A lot of people are hoping that will be our cure-all, allowing us to finally pick the none of the above, but isn’t going to be the Republican establishment making the pick? What are the chances they’ll come up with the RINOiest ticket ever?

“Hey? Do you think Arlen Specter might want to still run as a Republican? What if we told him Chuck Hagel would be his running mate?”

Everyone is thinking we’ll get someone like Mitch Daniels, but I don’t know. Risky move. But the alternative is Romney, Gingrich, or Santorum. So there are no bad choices. Only awful ones.

* Whales at Sea World aren’t slaves. A judge ruled that. For reals.

I hope the judge dismissed the case by yelling, “Shut up, hippie!” and punching the plaintiff in the face.

* George Lucas is now claiming that Han Solo never shot first in Star Wars. It’s like he’s trying to do special editions of our memories now.

Man, I wish George Lucas would just hand over Star Wars to someone else now. Think of the awesome movie someone who actually knows what makes Star Wars great could make if George Lucas were out of the way. One day, someone will be able to make another great Star Wars movie. We may have to wait until George Lucas dies though. Hopefully he doesn’t come back as a Force ghost to continue giving his creative input.

BTW, if you go see The Phantom Menace in 3D, you are part of the problem and are my enemy.

* Wisdom of the Day from Dave Holmes:

Obviously, the main reason I was initally so disappointed by The Phantom Menace was that I couldn’t tell which items were in the foreground.

* Still chugging away at my new book. Hope to get the first draft done (and a lot of pressure off my back) this weekend. Are you excited? You should be excited. But you won’t see it for a while. Until then, by another copy of Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything.

We need a national point of order on exactly what a “right” is. We have a lot of “slavery is freedom” going on.

If you think you have a right to a job, food, and a place to live, slavery does provide all of that.

Rights do not evolve. Making rights ephemeral like that is a great way to lose them.

If it’s a right today, it would be a right a thousand years ago and a right you’d have alone on a deserted island.

I’m at CPAC, but I’m in disguise with a giant mustache and cowboy hat.

If we get a brokered convention, what the chance we’ll get an awesome ticket versus getting the RINOiest ticket ever?

“So, do you think Chuck Hagel would still want to run as a Republican?” #BrokeredConvention

“Great news! We’ve gotten Arlen Specter to rejoin the GOP. We’ve also picked a nominee. These two items are related.” #BrokeredConvention

“We’ve dubbed our current choices ‘The Three Musketeers.’ There’s a moderate, a different kind of moderate, and a westcoast liberal.” #BrokeredConvention

Today at CPAC, I’m wearing a disguise so I look exactly like Jonah Goldberg. If you see him, it’s probably me. I won’t drop character.

Obama: no useful experience or abilities, arrogant, and completely out of touch with the concerns of regular Americans — I’m starting to think he might be a bad president.

* Government dependence has shot up 23% under Obama. He probably considers that a success — “Look at how many more people government is helping!” — but he’s an idiot. And now that’s just another obstacle to cutting government; you get people dependent on it, and then they’ll freak out like a guy going through withdrawal if you try to take it away.

We have a lot of problems with our government in this country, and we’re not going to fix it without some sort of long term plan. Does anyone running actually offer that?

* Liberals now love drone strikes and keeping Gitmo open. Ends up all the things they screamed about most were just partisan bluster. Who could have guessed that… other than anyone who has ever dealt with the left before.

What are the core beliefs that liberals have that they will turn on their own side if a Democrat goes against them? That babies should be aborted? I think that’s about it. Basically just any view they feel to guilty about to ever walk back on.

* Apparently we might be going to war with Syria. Do they have oil? I think that’s only okay to do when the country doesn’t have anything of interest to the United States.

And while we’re in Syria… Iran is right there. Might as well get to it now and save some money. It’s like when they film a movie and its sequels back to back — it’s way cheaper that way.

* The iPad 3 will reportedly come out in March. I still have an iPad 1, which compared to the new stuff now looks like something a caveman would use to beat to death a woolly mammoth. I’ve also saved up my allowance (SarahK gives me an allowance every month if I’m good) to upgrade my tablet. So wow me, Apple. I’m ready this time. Make me a believer.

Santorum, eh? Any analysis on how his jib is cut?

I wait at the end of the level to fight you in a protracted battle… LIKE A BOSS!

Fun Fact: I watched the 2000 election returns come in at a Santorum reelection party. That was a long night.

The problem for Romney is that it’s hard to get excited about him in the primary unless the alternative is McCain.

Was it just a dream, or did America’s deadliest sniper claim to have punched out the E*Trade baby?

Buttercup yells “Go! Go! Go!” and starts running. I don’t think it’s possible for something to be cuter.

Liberals would benefit having someone go through their beliefs they think are mainstream and mark which ones are actually weird liberal bubble things.

Nothing ruins a political movement like achieving its goals. No one wants to keep yelling and waving signs after they get what they want. OWS wisely avoided this pitfall. The Occupiers roared in with nonspecific anger — about such things as Wall Street, with its walls and its streets, and the rich, with their money they got somehow — but it never set any actual goals.

* So not only did Rick Santorum win the caucuses in Minnesota and Missouri, but he also won Colorado. Yesterday, Intrade had Romney at a 98% chance of winning Colorado. No one saw this coming. I’m still not sure what’s going on. Someone explain this to me. Who is this Santorum? Where did he come from? Why are people voting for him?

Apparently, Santorum has like no money and no big name endorsements, so who knows if he can keep this up. But this has to be scaring Romney. People just really don’t like him and want another viable choice. And finally it’s Santorum’s turn in the spotlight. They say he’s a big government conservative, but the other option, Romney, is a big government not conservative.

* So what happened to Newt? Is he still around? I guess there’s a limit to how many times you can be frontrunner and lose it.

* And I’m out of blogging time. Working hard on my new book that will solve all of America’s problems, though. I should be back to my normal blogging capacity next week.

* Oh yeah, feel like I should mention something on the Prop 8 decision. No time for meaningful commentary — which IMAO is always abundant with — but I think the best way to keep people from tinkering around with marriage until it’s completely asinine is to get it out of government.

I asked CPAC if I was allowed to attend, but they told me no. That’s because it’s RINO dominated this year. All martini sipping elites. I brought my own martini shakers, but they were still like, “You’re too conservative. You’ll cause trouble.”

Elites don’t want to hang with an Idaho conservative. They’re all like, “Why don’t you run off and protest taxes on potatoes.”

I’m going to throw my own conservative conference in Idaho. It will be at a compound. Admission will be $5 less if you bring a gun, because no one will argue over five bucks with someone holding a gun.

Heh. The new Spider-man film is directed by a guy named “Webb.”

Better off having the government get out of the marriage business than have it redefine religious custom. Legal contracts between consenting adults for all!

I like to imagine there is this spookily-voiced voice actor whose only job is to say the title of Resident Evil games.

I have the new Resident Evil game for the 3DS. I also have a deadline for my next book. Being an adult sucks.

Hmm. Maybe playing video games helps me write better. Does anyone buy that argument? Scientists, get on it!

Elder Scrolls, stop having towns load separately from the rest of the world so we can fly again.

I miss the flying from Morrowind. I don’t miss the cliff racers.

If OWS crashes CPAC and is violent, next year consider holding CPAC in a city that recognizes conceal carry rights.

You know how in horror movies you think the bad guy is dead, but he keeps popping back up? Romney is like the opposite.

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From James:

[reference link]

From James:

From James:

[reference link]

From Les of Brick Moon:

[reference link]

From Arik:

From Arik:

From Arik:

[reference link]

From Arik:

[reference link]

From Arik:

[ref 1,ref 2]

From Arik:

From me (Harvey):

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From Neil:

[ref 1,ref 2]

From Proof:

Yes, that’s President “Man of the People” sitting behind the wheel of a 2013 Shelby GT500 [MSRP $60,000, and gets about 15 mpg]

Tough call this week.

James’s “no tongues” is a relatively obscure line from a very popular movie, but Les’s “pink drone” comes from a story that got very little play in the MSM.

I’m inclined to call this one a tie.

What say you?

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

* Is Santorum going to finally have his day? Polls show he could win Minnesota and Missouri while coming in second in Colorado. The party hasn’t really given him much consideration — despite technically winning Iowa — making him pretty much the only one not to be a frontrunner yet. His problems are charges he’s a big government conservative, he comes off as whiny sometimes, and a couple terms as Senator by itself isn’t much of a qualification to be a president. But he’s stuck around, so he has stick-to-it-tiveness. And he’s not Romney. Maybe that’s enough.

What’s this “brokered convention” thing again?

* So Iran apparently has an army of ninja women. That does seem like the appropriate first step before getting nuclear weapons. I don’t know how we skipped over it.

* So if you were looking to the New York Post for a new column by me, instead there’s one by the puppy blender. Is he moving in on my turf? His column is on Obama and rising tuition costs, and it’s not very funny so I don’t get the point of it.

* Wisdom of the Day from jon:

Madonna was super unsupportive when her dad tried to be a preacher.

Maybe Obama should use the Beatle’s “Getting Better” as his campaign theme song.

It’s not an easy task to channel my awesomeness into the written word, but I do what I can.

For the Red Dawn remake, will the underground resistance run around shouting, “Honey Badgers!”?

And a Battleship movie? Come on.

As for the game, well I guess it was exciting that last minute or so.

That’s all I have to say about that.

* There was also the Nevada caucus Saturday which Mitt Romney won handily. That means… I dunno. I don’t think anything. This is all going to get dragged out until at least Super Tuesday which is March 6th. Then hopefully we’ll have a merciful end to all this.

* By the way, have you ever heard this story about Mitt Romney and the search for a business partner’s missing daughter? It certainly doesn’t make Romney or Bain Capital look that bad.

* We had good economic news, which is bad economic news so far as it means Obama has a better chance of reelection. Of course, it’s only good in relative to how bad things are (and the unemployment number is only good if you ignore how much smaller the workforce is that it used to be). Still, it’s inevitable the economy is going to rebound at some point no matter how much Obama worked against it; capitalism is just too strong. And when you get the bottom that low, a big boost is inevitable eventually.

Still, hope we can lose the dead weight of Obama in November, but I’m going to try getting into the 1% either way.

* As for another reason we need to get a different president, look how one of Obama’s favorite Justices tells Egypt that our Constitution isn’t a great model to follow and they should look to other countries. Of course, is it that big a surprise that liberal Justices don’t like our Constitution when they do everything they can to ignore its meaning?

Of course, maybe the reason Ginsburg thinks she doesn’t like the Constitution is that she’s never actually read it.

* Wisdom of the Day from James Taranto:

I’ve never seen the antiabortion side of the debate try to deny the other side’s existence the way the pro-abortion side does.

Liberals live in Bizarro world.

So Komen is literally trying to split the baby.

It is pretty Orwellian to claim not donating to Planned Parenthood is “being political.”

Why do abortion groups need donations? Isn’t abortion very profitable? That’s like donating to Philip Morris.

The Left: “We still won’t trust Komen enough to donate money to them until we see them publicly strangle a baby.”

Things may seem bad, but just remember that I’ll be old enough to run for president in 2016 so we only have to hold out until then.

Here’s video of little Buttercup singing.

So are the left admitting abortion is awful? Like if abortions were more than 3% of Planned Parenthood, then it would be a bad organization?

For some reason, when Planned Parenthood is mentioned I keep thinking of the underwear gnomes saying, “Abortions is big business!”

If you were making a new candy company, a good name would be Strangers. “You can trust candy from Strangers.”

Madonna is the halftime show? That’ll be huge for anyone who’s been in a coma since the 80s.

Is Madonna Lady Gaga’s grandmother?

Do you know that spousal abuse goes up i% during the Super Bowl?

I hear whichever team wins the Super Bowl gets ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

“He drove a Chevy Volt; he died in a fire long before the apocalypse.”

I give up. You can’t make fun of a movie based on the game Battleship. It is a punch line.

And why is Liam Neeson starring in it? Does he have tax problems?

Was a tattooed soccer player trying to sell me underwear during a football game?

Does the “bend it like Beckham” thing refer to his sexuality?

Why would I pay money for flowers when the phrase “Gimme some sugar, baby” achieves the same end?

The only thing funny about the Budweiser ads so far is that they think I want to drink something called Bud Light Platinum.

The Madonna halftime hasn’t been a complete disaster. I did get cute video of my 16 mo old daughter dancing.

Felt like that halftime show should have been accompanied by Harrison Ford warning us not to look at it.

Don’t tell Americans you want world peace. Tell the dumb, violent foreigners.

A show shouldn’t be called “Smash” unless it’s about the Incredible Hulk.

Hollywood, stop basing movies on board games and old toys and get us that Aquaman feature film.

It’s not Hollywood’s liberal bias so much these days as it is its crap bias.

The Super Bowl has been as good as it could be considering that Obama is still president.

I hope we get to see the new OT rules where the two quarterbacks play dodge ball.

HER: “You have something like photographic memory, right?”
ME: “Yeah, I forget what they called it.”

It’s always great to see really rich people succeed against marginal odds.

People were very excited about Obama when he first emerged on the scene in 2008, but as his campaign went on — and as he’s actually served as president — it’s become apparent to the general public that he’s simply not a serious candidate for the job.

* Can you believe all this Komen stuff? Komen wants to stick to just fighting breast cancer and thus doesn’t want to be involved in anything controversial like the abortion debate — which you think both sides would be okay with but the left are freaking out that Komen won’t give money to Planned Parenthood anymore. You have to look at this from the left’s side, though. They been supporting something horrific for so long, and they never want to confront that. Part of what helps them sleep at night is telling themselves that Planned Parenthood is an important women’s health organization and not instead some pro-abortion political organization that makes a lot of money tearing up the unborn. This whole Komen thing is making them confront that fiction, and thus you can understand their reaction. It’s freak out about this or contemplate the horror they’ve been supporting.

* Speaking of horrors, Donald Trump has come out in support of Mitt Romney. I think it was Romney’s line about not being concerned about the very poor that put him over the top. Other things Trump is not concerned with is realistic looking hair.

* Obama has started to use Jesus to try and justify his horrible policies, which seems pretty blasphemous. You know how the media freaks out about a coming theocracy if a Republican even mentions God, but Obama can claim that he did all his policies for religious reasons and the media won’t care? I think a big part of that is that when a liberal invokes God, no one really takes them seriously. Actually, I think half the time in Obama’s speech, he pronounced the Son of God’s name as “Jebus”.

* Wisdom of the Day from David Burge:

I support Susan G. Komen’s right to choose who to fund. #OurCheckbooksOurSelves

* In the interest of supporting the arts and interesting forms of capitalism, I should mention that you can now pay to appear in the Bearmageddon comic getting killed by a bear. So if you’ve always wanted to see what it would be like if you were killed by a bear plus be immortalized in the web comic and the eventually print version, here’s your chance. I have to say, it’s tempting.

* Still hard at work on my next book. It’s so awesome and I want to share it with all of you, but it will have to wait.

If you ever need a power rush, find the biggest celebrities and most powerful people on Twitter and block them from following you.

“Fighting cancer is important, so it’s best not to try and tie it to anything politically controversial.” -non-existent reasonable liberal

Abortion is one of those things so horrifying you have keep doubling down on it or risk looking back.

I always imagined that Planned Parenthood has a logo like the Ghostbusters, but with a baby in place of the ghost.

Who cares about Komen? Aren’t my tax dollars still going to Planned Parenthood?

Liberals give you no choice but to pay for Planned Parenthood and NPR, but they’re worried about Christians imposing their views on others?

Is there anything liberals scream about that isn’t pure projection?

“We want abortion to be safe, legal, and paid for by people who find it abhorrent.”

Obama: “Jesus told me to pursue these policies. Jesus is the one with the pitchfork, right?”

My 16 month old daughter is the greatest dancer I’ve ever seen.

* BTW, it was late notice so I didn’t mention it on my blog, but I was on Michael Graham’s radio show yesterday and it was lots of fun. If I can get some audio, I’ll put it up.

UPDATE: Here’s the audio.

* So, Ann Coulter sure has become a mindless Romney shill. She even has a column explaining how Romneycare is great and and mandated insurance is conservative. It was so well reasoned, it got her praise from David Frum.

Let this be a lesson to you: You can’t be constantly outrageous to get attention and be conservative. Conservatism is not outrageous, so eventually you’re going to run out of ways to be outrageous from the right and settle in on being outrageous to the right. Well, she’s sure getting attention again, so mission accomplished.

* Hey, they’re thinking of regulating sugar like they do alcohol and tobacco. Freedom is an okay idea, but it gets dangerous when freedom means people are allowed to make their own decision on what they eat and stuff. Maybe all of this is once again because Michelle Obama is just so tried of looking at fat kids. She tried to make it voluntary, but now government is going to come and actually knock the Twinkies out of their chubby little hands.

You know, we all made fun of Newt’s moon colony, but that might be the only option left if some of us still like this freedom thing.

* Wisdom of the Day from Ace of Spades:

It’s terrible that Komen Foundation is giving up its charity work and going back exclusively to the money-grubbing field of cancer research.

* Here’s bad lip-reading of Rick Santorum:

Eventually this gag is going to get tiresome, but today is not that day.

* I’m probably going to be a bit lighter on blogging for a couple weeks as I need that time to finish up my next ebook for HarperCollins (which is quite a bit longer than the last one). The book is going to be my solutions for all the problems America is facing, so it’s sort of my magnum opus of my all my time blogging and writing columns. Thus I want to make sure it’s as good as it can be. This isn’t just going to be a book. It’s going to be a movement to revitalize our country and make it even more awesome than we can possibly imagine.

Romney: “Shut up, you stupid poor people! No one wants to hear what comes out of your money-less mouths!”

Then again, poor people in this country are a bit whiny when you compare what they have to what historically is considered poverty. I guess we’re all kind of whiny that way, though. #FirstWorldProblems

Romney 2012: “Shut up, poverty.”

I could be an enthusiastic Romney supporter. The Romney campaign just needs to tell me where to send the invoice for that.

They should do a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em robots movie starring Mitt Romney and Al Gore.

Romney: “I’m not concerned about the very poor. I have a shotgun.”

Romney: “Zombies are the undead? I thought they were poor people. Now those movies are sad instead of funny.”

I’m not concerned about very poor people because malnutrition makes them easy to best in hand to hand combat.

Know who could have run as a stark contrast to Mitt Romney? Hobo with a Shotgun.

Romney: “I am in fact concerned about the very poor… especially them touching me and getting poor germs on me.”

Maybe we should just run Eric Cartman for president.

At shooting ranges, they have the paper targets out front, but they keep barrels of fish in a back room so you have to ask for it.

Is it possible for George Lucas to ruin the prequels with new special edition changes? Like Darth Maul now comes back as the lovable Halfy?

Spellcheck, I’m not going to capitalize “internet.” Give it up.

Basil is technically right that it’s not over, but CW is that the only one who can defeat Romney now is Romney. Basically he has to make some huge mistake to lose. Like be caught with a dead hooker. That sort of thing.

Still, maybe Newt can pick up some Southern states and gain some momentum. The disadvantage of that is that then we’d might have Newt as a nominee. Just can’t trust that guy. Unlike Romney who…

What are we trying to accomplish again?

* Romney is already kind of stepping in it, though. “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” Not so bad in context, but these are the things people seize on. Other things he needs to avoid saying:

“Poverty is funny.”

“I like the sound poor people make when I run over them in my limo.”

“Shut up, you stupid poor people! No one wants to hear what comes out of your money-less mouths!”

Actually, if Romney gets challenged on his concern for the poor, a good response would be, “And exactly how many millions have you given to charity?”

* Of course, Obama isn’t exactly saying all the right things either. A woman confronted him the other day with how her husband couldn’t find a job, and Obama said he found her husband’s unemployment “interesting.”

Obama 2012: “I find your lack of a job intriguing.”

Hmm. He is a lot like Spock.

* Rick Santorum says that Newt Gingrich should stop pressuring rivals to drop out. Gingrich responded saying, “I will… when you drop out.”

If Santorum had dropped out before the Florida primary… Gingrich still would have lost. But if Ron Paul had also dropped out… Gingrich still would have lost because Ron Paul voters wouldn’t vote at all and would instead just stay home and put brand new tin foil coverings on their windows.

* The CBO is estimating another trillion plus deficit. But don’t worry, taxes should soon go up to help with that. Though that should also slow economic growth.

Obama 2012!

* Wisdom of the Day from Grover Norquist:

I want to cut Warren Buffett’s secretary’s taxes. Obama hopes she ignores her pain and focusses on his promises to raise Warren’s taxes.

* DC Comics has announced new Watchmen comics. Since Watchmen is considered to be one of the greatest comics of all time — nay, one of the greatest pieces of literature of all time — and nearly sacred, and since Alan Moore isn’t going to be involved with these new comics, expect fandom to scream like an abattoir full of retarded children. Actually, there’s no question Alan Moore wasn’t going to be involved as DC Comics burnt bridges with him (plus he’s a weirdo — a weirdo who takes all his characters seriously and write them three-dimensionally), but DC does own the rights to the Watchmen characters and this should be a pretty big deal. And they’re going to be prequels, which is good since *SPOILER* Rorschach was killed in the end (he gets all blowed up in one of the saddest scenes since Old Yeller). Who would care about new Watchmen comics with Rorschach?

Well, I guess DC is banking on some people caring, because they’re making 34 comics, but only four are going to be centered on Rorschach. I mean, they have a six issue miniseries on Ozymandias; who cares? I want nothing but comics of Rorschach’s nihilistic musings while being brutal to criminals. He’s like Batman if Batman were poor and much crazier. “None of you seem to understand. I’m not locked in here with you. You’re locked in here with ME!”

If Rorschach were still alive today, though, I kind of get the feeling he’d be a Ron Paul supporter.

The Republican primary has crushed my soul. I don’t care if Ron Paul is the nominee; just end it.

Google News has given me an Ultimate badge in reading stories about politics, video games, and Nintendo BECAUSE I AM AN INFORMED READER!

I’m such a dedicated news reader that I have a gold badge in reading stories about the XBox and I don’t even own an XBox.

Fun Fact: People pay me for my opinions and no one even wants to hear yours.

Some readers have corrected me that the Arrested Development character Obama most resembles isn’t Gob Bluth but instead Tobias Funke.

As for the Arrested Development character I’m most like, I’d say Michael… but it’s probably George Michael. As for SarahK, she’s most like Rita because she’s very pretty.

I wonder if the Death Wish remake will be as right wing as the original.

Though I do like to annoy cats, gluten free bread is too expensive to waste on the breading meme.

I don’t know why I’m supposed to be so concerned by all this presidential election stuff; I don’t even work in government.

America is dying a slow death, and the best we can get is promises to make it an even slower death.

I don’t care about electability. I don’t care about nominating a true conservative. I just don’t like Obama. Also, I’m hugely tired of this primary.

We need something like the moon mission to get us out of our rut. My suggestion: national effort to build working lightsaber.

They need to come up with a summer version of curling for the Summer Olympics.

There really was a country named “Prussia”? Why would you name yourself like you’re a cheap Russia knockoff? That’s like having a country today named “Sturkey”.

We’ll stop pointing out liberal hypocrisy if they admit that at least 95% of everything they say is partisan BS.

They’re doing new Watchmen comics without Alan Moore? Expect to hear fandom scream like an abattoir full of retarded children.

Mitt Romney has wrapped it up. He won Florida yesterday, and that means there’s no chance for anyone else in the GOP race.

Newt Gingrich supporters? Hate to break it to you, but it’s time to pack it in.

Rick Santorum followers? The writing’s on the wall.

Ron Paul supporters? The nurse will be by shortly with your medications. And a fresh supply of tin foil.

The 2012 Republican primary season is done. There’s no way anyone can catch Mitt Romney. Just look:

Graph from The New York Times

See?

After the big win in Florida, Mitt Romney has 71 delegates. He only needs … let’s see, 1,144 to win, minus 71 already won, leaves 1,073 … Oh. My. Goodness. He only needs 1,073 more delegates to win.

Let’s look at the upcoming primary calendar, do the math, and see where things stand.

If Romney wins every delegate in every race, he would surpass the magic number of 1,144 as early as April 3.

What about Gingrich? If he were to somehow win every delegate in every state from here on out, he wouldn’t reach 1,144 until April 3.

Rick Santorum? Heck, if he won every delegate in every upcoming race, he wouldn’t hit 1,144 until April 3.

Ron Paul? Well, if he went on a winning streak and won every delegate in every primary and caucus, he wouldn’t pass 1,144 until April 3.

So, there you have it.

Romney can mathematically wrap this thing up in just over two months, on April 3, 2012. That’s a done deal.

Meanwhile, none of the the other three could lock it up until April 3, 2012. And that’s an impossible task.

Hey, don’t get angry with me. Numbers don’t lie.

Newscasters and party establishment will, but numbers won’t.

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Arik:

From Arik:

[reference link]

From Arik:

[reference link]

From Basil:

[reference link]

From Basil:

[reference link]

From CrustyB:

From Dodsfall:

[reference link]

From James:

[reference link]

From Les of Brick Moon:

From Mike:

[reference link]

From Travelwise42:

From VelvetElvis:

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

NOTE: if you’re going for a Soylent Green reference, you’ll need to be creative about it.

I call double win for Basil with “Art Metrano” and “just enough”.

What say you?

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

But he’ll win handily. And Gingrich will carry on. And so probably will Santorum as he doesn’t have anything better to do. That goes double for Ron Paul. When will this horrible primary end? I don’t know. I’m just tired of it; it’s awful. At least we won’t end it this time with McCain as our nominee.

* You know the RNC chair whose name looks like that of a Ronulan — Reince Priebus? Well, he’s actually kind of cool. He compared President Obama to Captain Schettino, that Italian captain who ran a cruise ship aground and fled. His counterpart, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, called that “incendiary,” but it’s hard to dispute the facts of the comparison. The best you could do is, “Obama is nothing like Captain Schettino — Obama doesn’t even speak Italian. Plus, it’s hard to imagine someone trusting him with a boat in the first place.”

* Obama famously got in a spat with Governor Jan Brewer, and Governor Jindal says the same thing happened with him. Apparently, Obama is really thin-skinned and likes to try to be theatrical for the press. Who knew a community organizer and legislator who mainly voted “present” wasn’t going to be up to the gravity of the job?

This only stresses the importance of having a Republican candidate who will really go after Obama in the debates. We need to cook that wiener while everyone is watching.

* You ever get the idea that Obama has a thing against religion? He recently got a 9-0 decision against him when he tried to tell religious organizations who they could and couldn’t hire, and now he’s trying to force religious organizations to pay for contraceptives and morning after pills even if they’re morally opposed. What’s the chance the same Supreme Court is going to uphold that one? This is like how a militant atheist would mindlessly antagonize churches to no real purpose. What exactly does Obama bitterly cling to? Probably nothing as American as guns and religion.

* As pointed out in Best of the Web (the “Three Papers in One!” item), the New York Times has published an editorial calling for the end to the filibuster. This is a change of position from 2005 when, while Bush was president, they expressed support for the filibuster — that being a change of position from 1995 when, while Clinton was president, they called for the end of the filibuster. So this is pretty consistent for them — they’re consistently partisan hacks.

Do you know there are people who take the New York Times seriously? Or maybe that’s just an urban legend. Like bigfoot.

* Wisdom of the Day from Lauren Ashley Bishop:

groupon are you crazy if i had laser hair i would never get it removed

George Strait’s name makes it seem like he’s really over compensating for something.

Are we absolutely certain a rhinoceros is not some sort of mammal/dinosaur hybrid?

Mitt Romney is like a human-colored Charlie Crist.

“Grapes are great, but can we make them weird and shriveled and ruin cookies with them, because I hate kids.” -guy who invented raisins

So what then? More talk of Romney inevitability? He is the one with the resources to compete in all the states, and Gingrich has shown he can’t stay on top for very long without flaming out. And Santorum… people like him, but they just don’t take him seriously as a presidential candidate.

And frankly, I’m tried of this. I want to focus on the two man race and bashing Obama. I am excited for the constant, public campaign about how Obama is failure and needs to be thrown out of office. I’ve kind of gotten to the point I don’t care who the other guy is we’re replacing Obama with as long as he’s an other guy. He won’t be great, but he’ll be someone else.

* Obama has been weasly on how much his raising taxes on the rich will bring in, but estimate are it will be about 4% of the annual deficit. So all this time and energy spent on something that isn’t going to help us any (and by taking money from those who actually know how to use it well and giving it instead to the idiots in D.C., will probably hurt us some); do you ever get the feeling that a lot of what Obama does is just to try and distract dumb, jealous people from what a horrible job he’s doing as president? He should get that fireball up his sleeve device Gob Bluth had and use that as a distraction whenever anyone tries to nail him down on a question.

“Ooh! Pretty fire! What were we talking about?”

* Right Wing News has a poll up of right-leaning bloggers on the presidential elections (I participated). Gingrich has a plurality of support, but a majority think Mitt Romney is the most electable. I agree with them, but I don’t get the big Romney boosters (such as the over the top Ann Coulter lately). They seem like a variation of the underwear gnomes.

Phase 1: Pick most electable candidate.
Phase 2: Win presidency.
Phase 3: ??

We need big change to do anything about the size of government and the amount of debt we have. And while a Romney presidency would be less bad than another Obama term, it still seems rather pointless in the long run.

* Obama is the most polarizing president ever. But he was supposed to unite the country with his nice-talking and articulateness and vague good things he was going to do for this country.

If we one day get a time machine, we really need to go back to 2008 and just start slapping everyone super enthused about an Obama presidency and never stop. Right after we do the same thing to the supporters of the 16th Amendment.

* From Conan O’Brien, here’s Guy Fieri eating in reverse:

I’m not sure who Guy Fieri is, but he’s just one of those guys you’re sure you hate as soon as you look at him. And look at this recent tweet from him:

“Goin’ big in Vegas for some Runnin’ Rebel style DDD…”

Why replace the ‘g’ with an apostrophe? It saves no typing and just makes you look like an idiot. I just don’t understand the world.

I just realized what they called Snow White in Snow White. Did they just call her Snow White the whole time or did she have a shorter name? Is her first name “Snow” and her last name “White”?

I’m reading Dale Carnegie’s “How To Win Friends and Influence People
.” To persuade others, you have to be respectful to everyone. Bleh. I mean, you have genuinely respect the other person’s viewpoint. Of course, this was written long before the internet existed.

Also, Dale Carnegie probably didn’t deal with my situation where I’m so smart and everyone else is so dumb.

And, frankly, I don’t think influencing others is worth the cost of being nice to idiots.

I know I should be offended when I request a hug and Buttercup shouts, “No!” and runs away, but it’s so cute.

How can you be against the government wasting money when you personally waste money by donating to the Ron Paul campaign?

If we ever end up at war with China, how will that affect the release of the next gen iPad?

Love the PCMatic ad with the woman in her “State” sweatshirt. Only way it would be better is if it said “College”.

Jimmy cracked corn and I cannot overstate my concern.

When using an oven, I’m always briefly confused that the timer is hours:minutes and not minutes:seconds.

I’m excited for the new Incredible Hulk tv series, “Smash”.

If Batman didn’t exist we’d have to invent him.

Weirdos would be a lot harder to identify if there was no such thing as pet ferrets.

Just watched the Chuck finale. Awesome end to a great series.

Could the star of Sherlock have anymore of a British name? “Benedict Cumberbatch”.

Anyway, I heard that there was a long discussion of moon bases during it. I don’t like moon bases. That could ruin my nuke the moon plans. People would say, “You can’t nuke the moon; there’s a moon base there.” And I wouldn’t know how to respond to that. So a moon base is a horrible idea.

Consensus on the debate seems to be that Newt blew his chance to regain any momentum. Intrade now has Romney back to having an over 90% chance of winning Florida, so we’re back to “Romney is inevitable and nothing can stop him!” mode. So let’s once again practice being Romney boosters.

Here’s my new attempt at a Romney slogan:

“Romney 2012: Much like the T-800 in Terminator 2, he’s been reprogrammed to be on our side.”

* Hey, Biden is adding accents to his routine. After the election and we’re all celebrating acknowledging that Romney is president, he and Obama should develop a vaudeville routine and travel the country. Obama would be the Abbot and Biden the Costello. Part of the routine would be Biden constantly accidentally saying racist things about Obama while Obama just tries to ignore it — basically what he does in his presidency now.

“Hey, Obama!”

* Yet another Democrat has accused Republicans of being terrorists. I know I’ve made this point before, but it’s worth saying again: Obviously conservatives aren’t terrorists because liberals still exist. There are many more conservatives than liberals, we have lots of guns, we have the majorities in the military, so we if we ever did decide to be terrorists and kill all the liberals, it would probably take about a weekend. But we don’t, because that would mean. Still, it would be nice for liberals to acknowledge every once in a while that the only reason they exist is because conservatives eschew violence against others just because they disagree with them. In fact, they should give us a cash reward for how nice we are. We should demand that.

* James Taranto found this silly article about “colorblind racism”. I didn’t actually read it as the Orwellian title tells you all you need to know. If you’re arguing than one can’t end racism unless we still focus on race, you’re actually not arguing against racism. What you’re arguing is that you still need it and don’t want it to end.

* Here’s a letter signed by sixteen scientists (Science!) that there is no compelling need for drastic measures against global warming. I like how at the beginning the letter points out the use of “incontrovertible” by those arguing for global warming. There is no incontrovertible in science (there is in Science! but not science); if something is incontrovertible, it’s gone from science to dogma. Part of the problem of the whole global warming craze is its damage to the idea of what science really is. The anti-science people are really the ones who prop science up as some unquestionable religion when that’s never what true science would claim to be.

So we need more education for people on how to tell “science” from “Science!”.

* Wisdom of the Day from Michael J. Nelson:

Barry White’s songs are less romantic if you imagine, with precise detail, Barry White making love.

It should be illegal to use the term “fair share” without some concrete definition of it. Sentence for this crime: punch to face.

“Fair share” will never be defined as far as taxation. It’s not a policy. It’s just a whine.

So are we serious on this debt thing, or is that just a partisan attack we’ll forget when we have a Republican president?