House of IG

Scarlet's Tumble

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 07:00:00 +0000

Originally posted in Oct. 23, 2008

*Sigh* in this here recession that we have found ourselves, having a job is a good thing. But watching this video put all of that in jeopardy. Kindred and I watched this vid yesterday afternoon while at work, and the fact that we still have jobs is a miracle akin to seeing Amy Winehouse sober. Watch it and then see our running commentary on it. Epic Roast!!

Luvvie: first this heffa starts with her off key song. Who in the hell is she serenading?? Oh she is feeling herself. Swooping her greasy bang and errthang
Kindred: where is her neck? I seriously might p*ss myself
Luvvie: lmao
Kindred: The vid is called "scarlet takes a tumble". Is that not enough foreshadowing?! Omg this vid is just delicious
Kindred: lol at her holding the smile before starting to film. And oh wow her hair's not moving. I think everybody has someone like this in their church choir. Where’s her neck? So, is this what a tenement looks like?
Luvvie: lmao at her changing shoes. She getting REST to kill
Kindred: is all her stuff in this room?
Luvvie: lol that’s an empty shell of a room. Oooo check out her sexy walk. GET EM GIRL!
Kindred: She's struggling with those wedges
Luvvie: The stomp on the table is hilarious
Kindred: wow, she hopped up on that table quick
Luvvie: hahahah the table's creaking already
Kindred: She is knock kneed like a mug. This can't go well
Luvvie: It’s like "bish imo give u 2 warnings to get off me. Get off me or feel my wrath
Kindred: what's with the flailing arms?

*Scarlet falls*

Luvvie: KABLAMO!!!! hahahahahahahahahahaha
Kindred: HAHHAHHAHAHA. that table got sweet revenge
Luvvie: humpty dumpty had a great fall!!!
Kindred: I think it kicked her in the ass. Literally
Luvvie: why is she writhing on the ground like a snake? Her spine AND her dignity r hurt
Kindred: whale down! Get the harpoons!
Luvvie: hahahahaha she just laid on the floor
Kindred: so, she's not getting up?
Luvvie: Lamenting her life
Kindred: poor decision making
Luvvie: LMAO!! Cue the violins
Kindred: notably, the wedges are still on
Luvvie: humpty dumpty don’t wanna b put 2getha again
Kindred: Who she talking to? Jesus? He on't wanna hear that
Luvvie: her bruised ego
Kindred: He too busy laughing
Luvvie: Jesus: “I aint tell u to do that.”
Kindred: ha! Her hair hat is crooked

Luvvie: why is her hair all askew???
Kindred: and so are her spectacles
Luvvie: LMAO!! There r TEARS coming out my eyes. TEARS
Kindred: My lifespace is complete
Luvvie: My life's mission is accomplished
Luvvie: she looks like an ACME cartoon character
Kindred: this, my friend, is why we need the internet
Luvvie: I agree. imo get fired laughing so hard. OMG,
Kindred: I can't breathe. I feel sorry for the table. who's gonna be its advocate?
Luvvie: the table is the TRUE victim here. it lost its life to the pure recklessness, and truly, selfishness of humptisha
Kindred: I’m pretty sure that it's against the law to sell a table with a sign saying "fatties, don't buy me"

Luvvie: lmao or... how bout "bish stand on me and u going DOWN”. the table DID creak a coupla times. it did ALL it could
Kindred: a frail, frail cry. couldn't handle all that raw emotion
Luvvie: we must remember this day in honor of that table so it won’t have lost its life in vain. we shall call 2moro "national honor thy table" day
Kindred: yeah, I think I'ma polish mine when I get home
Luvvie: yeah my desk is gon get flowers tomorrow
Kindred: that table went out like a G tho! like, she bounced offa it twice before falling on her @ss. maybe it used to be Chuck Norris' table
Luvvie: the table went "eff this. I’m out. I don’t need to take this from u or anybody else"
Kindred: that table had heart, man. real heart
Luvvie: can tables get purple hearts? it REALLY sacrificed itself for the greater good of the people
Kindred: they can if we start a petition

Luvvie: great. we must. for that there table... sniffs. that table went b4 its time
Kindred: i'ma show this vid to all of my tables at home
Luvvie: yeah so they realize they aint taken for granted
Kindred: like "you should be lucky I own you. a big bad diva coulda did you IN. think about that the next time I get a splinter, bish"
Luvvie: she fell ALL the way out and laid there for a full minute. who does that?? lmao!! best. vid. ever. it needs to win award for the "gigglefits"
Kindred: I’m pretty sure she couldn't get up
Luvvie: naw eff that. I was guffawing
Kindred: yeah I bookmarked it. I’m gonna watch it at least 4 times a day
Luvvie: I think it may b a record breaker
Kindred: with good reason! and hopefully, not a table breaker
Luvvie: hahahahahahaha computer desks everywhere cower in fear
Kindred: from the threat of FatFat with Wedges
Luvvie: Sister O’Dell needs to come get her niece
Kindred: and buy her a neck
Luvvie: yeah she leaving screech marks on her chest
Kindred: hopefully that fall straightened out her knock knees
Luvvie: her chin don’t wanna kno her boobs like that. they not its type
Kindred: so, maybe it was a blessing in disguise
Luvvie: blessings come in all forms, types, falls...
Kindred: I’m pretty sure they sell reinforced furniture. though i'm not sure I’d use it for....that
Luvvie: u couldn’t reinforce that shit wit the best industrial steel. It still won’t withstand all that pressha
Kindred: lmao titanium .....and I’m done
Luvvie: hahahah me too. Epic. good day to ya
Kindred: it's after 5 and noneck is making me wait

We are assh*les. And we are okay with that. © Luvvie. 2008

4 Seasons of Angst & Linen

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 14:00:00 +0000

So y'all know me and Kindred love a good roast. A coupla weeks ago, we were in the mood to listen to some douchebaggery music (note: we call ultra sappy songs douchebag music because you can just picture some douche on YouTube playing it on an acoustic guitar. We LOVE douchebag music).

We decided to watch Boyz II Men's "4 Seasons of Loneliness" vidjo, and this is what ensued on GChat.

Note: I tried to embed the video here from YouTube but ALL the 4 Seasons Vids on YouTube have embedding disabled by request. WHY WON'T UNIVERSAL MUSIC GROUP LET US BE GREAT AND IG???? *Wall Slide* Hater ass haters!!! Anyway, I made it happen by going to another site. TAKE THAT, UNIVERSAL!

Boyz II Men-4 Seasons Of Loneliness - Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

Luvvie: u see that linen!! and the all white. and the breeze

Kindred: they were some classy folks

Luvvie: and the flash of light. is this heaven???

Kindred: I see you by the vent, shawn. heyyy OWW OWW

Luvvie: shawn's shirt is blowing JUST right

Kindred: lmao where they hell they at?

Luvvie: see them in a room lookin like the 4 archangels

Kindred: inside and outside?!

Luvvie: hahaha @ wanya sittin on the floor indian style

Kindred: why he still need glasses? ain't NO sun

Luvvie: this HAS to be heaven. all them clouds and swaying clothes

Kindred: look at that mist, g. they too emollient. EEEE they in the future

Luvvie: lmaooooo the season transition

Kindred: spaceship R&B

Luvvie: bwaahahah he sittin on yulelog

Kindred: LMAO

Luvvie: indian style. they so vulnerable.

Kindred: they ain't change nothin but the colors of they linens

Luvvie: the tweenager in me jus swooned

Kindred: look at them SKI GOGGLES

Luvvie: they STILL rocking linen in winter and shit. and using one extra button on they shirts

Kindred: bam! they in space on yo ass

Luvvie: they are SO open and vulnerable

Kindred: green screen game proper

Luvvie: see them leaves fall like their emotional walls?

Kindred: is that a geisha in the forest?

Luvvie: she wrote her memoirs right under that tree

Kindred: maroon linens. lmao a DOVE

Luvvie: hahahaha omg and the scenes come outta wanya's eye?

Kindred: eeeee they just flew out his EYE g

Luvvie: GOMH! (get outta my head)

Kindred: bwhhahahahaa lmao EPIC. how come i never noticed this?!

Luvvie: this ish is soooo gahtdamn angsty and emotional

Kindred: was this ok in the 90s?

Luvvie: i cried and i wasnt even sad. tears jus came from my eyes

Kindred: is that what we was on?

Luvvie: yes. yes it was. the 90s wasnt shit for this. how did we approve of this cheesyness??

Kindred: i'm ashamed to tell people this was my fav music scene. now, i'll have to pretend to say it ironically

Luvvie: their linen game was TIGHT tho! just flowing w/ every movement of their hearts. i think the flow matched their heart beats

Kindred: it was TIMED

Luvvie: it WAS. and they showed just the right about of chesticles

Kindred: where's Pop up Video when you need them? i wanna know bout them breezes

Luvvie: not too much. just a taste. Pop up video: "17 fans were used during this shoot to get the wind velocity JUST right”

Kindred: "48 Air Conditioners were tested before the group found one they could all agree upon"

Luvvie: "Wanya practiced the perfect indian style sitting pose for a week before the shoot. he may have crushed his scrotum in the time, but he is just THAT dedicated."
"shawn personally picked out his favorite yulelog in the forest 'fo he sat on it. it felt right. he knew THAT was the one"

Kindred: "The Linen in the 'Fall' Season was actually knitted by Shawn's hairdresser at the time"

Luvvie: lmaooo!! "the boyz asked a psychic what heaven was like and tried to recreate it w/ this video. she told them they succeeded"

Kindred: "The snow in the 'Winter' season is actually baking powder and yeast. When the shoot was over, the director's wife made Four Seasons Matzoh balls from the leftovers"

Luvvie: bwahahahaaha "after this shoot, the boyz demanded they be referred to as matthew, mark, luke & john"

Kindred: BWHAHAHHAHA "The Geisha in the forest during the 'Fall' season was actually the producer's niece. The original choice suffered from an allergic reaction to the 100% Egyptian Yak of the Boyz' linens"

Luvvie: bwahahahahahahahahahah oh nooooooo "the iceberg that wanya & his super goggles were on was an extra from the movie "titanic" i melted from the heat pulsating from wanya's emotions. people were sad."

Kindred: lmao @ super goggles and raw emotion "The couch used in the opening scene is actually from Shawn's personal collection. It can be purchased from Value City for $899."

Luvvie: Nope. I heard he got that couch from IKEA and its named "Heidi". $399 if u choose to put it together uself but i aint the one to gossip so u aint that from me

Kindred: LMAO you know Ikea ain't got no simple names. Heidi no? Plufjrtstagen? Prolly

Luvvie: ye they do. i own their bookcase named "Billy"

Kindred: that's an EXCEPTION

Luvvie: and they got a chair named "chloe"

Kindred: everybody got Billy

Luvvie: they are partial to dutch names lol

Kindred: we might even have Billy in the office *looks around*

Luvvie: and maybe the couch's last name heighhbfug

Kindred: Billl-ayyyy lmao ikea the only place where a piece of furniture got a first AND last name

Luvvie: *sigh* i love ikea. it's an adult's playground

Kindred: it IS. have you seen their latest catalog? Lovely. omg talk about digressing

Luvvie: i HAVE. i love it sooo much. all them goodies

Kindred: short attention span FTW

Luvvie: i aint see spring in they 4 seasons. did spring miss the casting call?

Kindred: we were BAMBOOZLED

Luvvie: spring was late and shit

Kindred: they spent all of the monies on geishas and goggles

Luvvie: and winter was like "whatever. i'll do his part"

Kindred: winter did have major play

Luvvie: mayb the 4 seasons were winter, summer, fall and space shrugs shoulders

Kindred: mmhmm or, there's no spring in heaven. just fans and air conditioning

Luvvie: hmm... *strokes chin* u just may b right

Kindred: and EMOTION

Luvvie: yes! heaven is FULL of emotion. and it has u vulnerable. and the only attire allowed is linen. Heaven is the caribbeans!!!

Kindred: *hugs self*

Luvvie: *dead* *sits indian style on office floor*

The 90s. *shakes my head*

Fabolous' Jagged Edge (aka Teefs)

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 14:00:00 +0000

So I pretty much spent all of last night on Twitter DYING. Someone started roasting Fabolous' teeth and I love a chance for a good roast so you know I joined in. These tweets were the result. I am RUDE for them and I got quitted at least 15 times.

Sidenote: I'm @LuvvieIG on Twitter. Follow me. My tweets don't bring all the boys to the yard but they bring all the cackles to your lifespace.

#FabsTeeth are real complex. He got rows AND columns. U'd think he'd have them fixed by now #Kanyeshrug. He got them teefs that look like charts & graphs w/ multiple data points. His grill is scary @ me. His teef epitomize "Jagged Edge"

His teef look like he on a strict titanium diet? O__O

#FabsTeeth looks like his toothpaste has iron chips in it

Yo #FabsTeeth, I'm happy for u and I'mo let u finish but the sword of Excalibur was the sharpest weapon of ALL time #KanyeShrug

Being bit with #FabsTeeth is considered assault w/ a deadly weapon in 15 states. #TrueStory

#FabsTeeth wakes up & pisses gingivitis, plaque and pleas for braces

#Fabsteeth waded in the water w/ Harriet. It was bout that freedom (from @myfabolouslife's mouf).

Let me quit clowning #FabsTeeth 'fo it haunts my hopes & dreams. Or chews on my fave pairs of shoes.

#FabsTeeth is a trending topic cuz it took a bite outta Twitter, instead of crime #TrueStory

We didn't land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock landed on #FabsTeeth *puts fist up*

Of course they are. They're sharper than steak knives RT @myfabolouslife #fabsteeth prints are on ur girl's nipple!

#FabsTeeth have a big ego. They're too big. Too wide. Too sharp. They won't fit.

I had a dream that one day, #FabsTeeth got braces so they'll stop scaring lil children & old people. Hell, regular adults.

Same thing #FabsTeeth said RT @Miss_KToYou I Just Wanna Be..I Just Wanna Be Successssfullll!

@myfabolouslife said "U love my smile no matter how chipped my tooth is." Me: "The devil IS A LAH!" #fabsteeth

#Fabsteeth: All my life I've had to fight. I've had to fight my gums, I've had to fight my tongue. A mouf aint safe w/ me in it

Then one of Fabolous' stans (yeah what? They still make y'all? In '09?) decided she wanted to defend his honor and call me a bitch. So I polled my Twitter followers and asked them if I should go IN on her and hurt her feelings or let it go. I was feeling petty last night. Well, about 30 of my followers replied with "GO IN!" And I listened to their instigating asses (LOVE YALL) and did. This is what happened.

Fab Stan ROAST
-------------------
So w/ a smile on my face cuz it really doesnt faze me, I shall have to dedicate a coupla my tweets to Fabolous #1 and ONLY stan

Dear Fab stan, BITCH deez! w/ yo wack ass. iRoast. iRant. Tis what I do. Get off his nuts. He STILL dont want u. Miss ME w/ that.

iHate when folks wanna call u "bitch" behind the veil of Twitter. I'm aint no keyboard thug. I'm just a serial roaster. iRoast celebs mostly

If u'll call me a bitch for roasting a celeb who doesnt KNOW U, please press Ctrl, Alt, Del & log off life. U're a belligerent dummy

If u call me a bitch for roasting a celeb who's teef look like a steak knife, press ESC on ur soul & retire to Dereon Hell.

If u wanna come @ me for saying something bout a celeb who wouldnt piss on u 2 put u out, reset ur lifespace & TRY AGAIN

U wanna insult me on Twitta for some celeb who aint been relevant since Y2K, then shut down ur personal hard drive & reboot.

AND if u gon come @ me on Twitter, please make sure ur hairhat aint crooked & the texture of iron wool. MISS ME W/ THAT SHIT!

If u gon TRY to go in on me for saying #FabsTeeth look like a samurai sword, u need a dropkick to the shins

THIS concludes my roast of Fabolous' #1 and ONLY stan, who decided to call me a bitch. I'm feeling petty 2nite so I had to go IN. *curtsies*

I'm a jerk. I gotta repent EXTRA hard today. And maybe go on a fast. I'm SO rude! iQuit myself.

@InfinityP said #fabsteeth look like this: [_][__/ __][_]. Bury me in a lace onesie & formal gloves w/ chanclattas. I. AM. DEAD.

Edit: iHeard that iHeard #FabsTeeth got that way when he tried to balance a Basketball on his head to impress a girl. But I ain;t the one to gossip so you ain't heard that from me. #KanyeShrug

Damp Sweatah, Dry Heart

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 15:46:00 +0000

The mid 90s were a boon to emotional, vulnerable @ss ninjas who loved to croon mediocre R&B ballads. But only one emo dude earns the title for Douchiest. Video. Ever. Behold, Mario Winans' "I Don't Wanna Know" with real-time commentary from me and Luvvie.

Luvvie: as he serenades himself w/ backlight. ANGST game is proper ALREADY lmaooo

Kindred: see? I knew Bad Boy was up to no good

Luvvie: why he bent over the piano??

Kindred: he is in PAIN

Luvvie: assessing his life. lmao why did the beat start and im twurkin in my chair? for such a sad song, the beat is TIGHT

Kindred: every time this comes on, i think it's the Fugees, as does the rest of America

Luvvie: OW OWWWWWW! see them make out in B&W

Kindred: classyyyy

Luvvie: lmaooooo! why is he sitting among trash?

Kindred: cause that's how he FEELS, his heart in the GUTTAH

Luvvie: NOT IN THE TUBB!!!! *faints* fully clothed!!!

Kindred: YES. I told you but there's nothing like the experience

Luvvie: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OMG they dont do angst like THIS no more

Kindred: they don't! he ruined it for everybody. and for his sweater

Luvvie: on that twin size bed he sittin on - what is this?? a dorm?

Kindred: that's why she left him

Luvvie: XL sheets face ass

hahaha he watching movies on a projector as he reminisce

Kindred: expensive ass projector but he can't afford a queen bed?! *gasp* DIDDY!

Luvvie: lmao at the chick rockin lingerie and a bucket hat. where's her short set?

Kindred: look at his superior acting skills. this video is full of bad decisions

Luvvie: that video is angsty as shit!!!

Kindred: how did he get a dry sweater?

Luvvie: bad decisions, bad acting. this GROWN man dipped himself in a tub fully-clothed and crying

Kindred: lmao he hugged the projector screen

Luvvie: H20 aint the answer to his problems

Kindred: look at all them tapes he got. this can't be healthy

Luvvie: yes! he had CASSETTES

Kindred: see? that's why she left. his priorities effed up

Luvvie: she left him cuz he sits in tubs weeping bout lost loves

Kindred: little bed, big tapes

Luvvie: *Dead* not lil bed, big tapes! And Diddy's slack-jawed ass had to make an appearance
muthafucka for what?

Kindred: YES he did. This is a Bad Boy movie that's why

Luvvie: LAWD! and of coure i aint gon start on the lyrics of said song. dont e'en get me BEGUN!!! the beesh IS playing u and u clearly found out but sittin amongst garbage and wading in a tub pool aint gon bring her back. u may wanna upgrade ur life and get a bigger bed

Kindred: he could buy that big dumb @ss screen but couldn't find a pair of balls

Luvvie: he could buy that big ass projector but he sleepin on a dorm bed. iCan't.

Kindred: california KANG. that's what he needs to do an appropriate bed slide. i mean seriously tho, where was he sitting with all that garbage? GETCHO BIG children under the stairs face ass

Luvvie: LMAO "sometimes i feel like a motherless child" face

Kindred: "life ain't been no crystal stair" face

Luvvie: boooooooooooo throws tomatoes at mario

Kindred: get off the staggggeeee
where's RILEY?

Luvvie: *channels Riley Freeman* "NIGGA YOU GAY!!! ur woman left u for a sexy flexy ass nigga. now u crying like a BITCH"***

Kindred: "i mean, he wasn't een no real nigga, like TI"

Luvvie: *DEAD* YESSSSS

Kindred: lmao i'm sayin tho - you seint him in that tub, right? cause that video has haunted me for damn near a decade

Luvvie: drowning in angst, failure & broken heart

Kindred: but he couldn't do that naked tho? maybe it's cause he a Winans - too secular for Jesah

Luvvie: true story. he aint expose no male nipplage either. he kept it pg-16.5. the winans STAN for the LAWD

Kindred: mmhmm Bebe and Cece woulda whupped his @ss

[End scene]

Readers, can you think of any other videos that can match the level of estrogen and raw emotion shown in this clip? Did we miss anything in the commentary? Has Diddy ever fully closed his mouth? We need answers.

***We channeled Riley. We're some gentleladies so we don't talk like that in real life. Only through Riley Freeman.

I'm bout that Freedom. What u bout?

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 14:24:00 +0000

It was 1am and me, VEG (aka Crazy Magnet) and Overit (aka ZeeBaby) were group-chatting on GMail and it led to this conversation about Harriet Tubman. She was a saint (like Dorothy Mantooth).

Overit: I’m pretty sure Harriet Tubman woulda loved to lay up in a hammock reading freedom papers, but again, people have been rude since the dawn of time
VEG: lmao at reading freedom papers. I loved when I read in school how Harriet carried a pistol and threaten to shoot fools who were to too tired to keep going where they stood!
Overit: LMAO @ Harriet!!!!
VEG: and yeah: Harriet was gangsta. "You keep walking to freedom or you die right here!"
Luvvie: and Harriet was the FIRST gangsta.
Overit: mini overit confession: I used to be kinda intimidated by her (I knew she was dead) but she was antebellum HOOD
Luvvie: lmao!!! Not antebellum hood
Overit: like, would she have shot me??
VEG: lmao. She was like 'you ain't gonna stop so you can get caught and mess this up'. Harriet got you to freedom whether you were serious about it or not. She LEFT her two brothers who were late to show up at the meeting spot. They weren't about freedom. How you gone be late to the escape?
Luvvie: hahahaha Harriet: "Bitch, is u down for freedom or what??? cuz I aint got NO time to play these bald-headed shackled games w/ u. U in, or out? WassUp??"
VEG: Harriet: "I'm bout this freedom. What you bout?"
Luvvie: I imagine Harriet to be an antebellum madea
VEG: bwaaaah at antebellum madea
Luvvie: hahahaha!! not "I’m bout this freedom. what u bout?" dead

Harriet: "I'm bout this freedom. What u bout?"

VEG: I try to imagine: would have left my brothers? Answer: yes. lol
Overit: LMBAO exactly! I have 4, so I know ONE of them would be left
Luvvie: lmao and u KNO Africans cant b on time
Overit: and id hope it was the youngest, mute ass ninja
Luvvie: underground railroad is sposed to be well-oiled machine. Negros gon have u late as hell. Massa woulda BEEN caught up to the plan effing w/ Africans
Overit: moody and don’t ever talk, then once a yr he wanna fill you in on what he been thinking the whole yr, poof! vamoose
VEG: of all times to be on time, this was most important. I think making sure you make your connection with the freedom train is critical.
Luvvie: LMAO!! Z!!
Overit: id take a nap to prepare for the long trip ahead
Luvvie: ur youngest bro don’t say jack??
VEG: LMAO @ Z
Overit: he is so WEIRD
Luvvie: well it means he can keep a secret. we can give HIM the code to spread to the others
Overit: then he comes up to me twice a yr tryin CONVERSATE
Luvvie: hahaha conversate
Overit: and everyone cuts their eyes @ me like "he done chose u to speak with, speak to him"
Luvvie: hahahahahaha as they shine a spotlight on u
VEG: Z, I think he'd make the freedom train. lol. Seems to me he'd be on time.
Luvvie: yup he aint gon b behind makin convos like the rest of the late coloreds
VEG: He won't be chit chatting, saying goodbye and ish
Luvvie: or tellin someone they aint shit cuz u kno we good for that
Overit: oh no, he would have been at the site, RET TO GO
VEG: Can't you see it? 'I'm heading north today and I wanted to let you know, before I go, I hate you azz'
Luvvie: hahahahahaha *dies* "let me take this opportunity to tell u that ur mama aint shit. goodbye. see u on the free side"
VEG: lmao I'd have done that
Overit: girl, so would I. "bitch, chicken george be thankin bout me when he out in the field with you"
Luvvie: i'da been late talkin shit bout what I was gon do up north
VEG: LMAO at Z
Luvvie: and how I was gon rock them "city folks gear" hahahahahahahahaha
VEG: when I gets free...
Luvvie: NOT chicken george!!!!
Overit: WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?
Luvvie: iCANNOT w/ us!!
VEG: Nothin. Araminta Ross is a she-ro. She deserves to be celebrated
Overit: I have long been intrigued by george and kizzy. ole kambe bolongo faces. LMBAO @ bell atlantics voice
Luvvie: bwahahahaha
Overit: that's what I call him btw
Luvvie: isweahfoVishnu I need to quit u
VEG: my older brother would be late to the freedom train cuz he'd be trying to get these damn kids together. I’d be like 'hurry up now. we got to move'
Luvvie: I’d be late cuz I’d b draggin my sack of rice I aint wanna leave to waste
VEG: LMAO To you I'd say "negrette. How u gone cook that rice? We can't start a fire. It'll attract the dogs! Drop that ish"
Overit: I’d be late cause Harriet and I were beat on the same day, I'm narcoleptic too. and I KNOW id get beat, I just got an attitude with a cop in dc. My girl was talking btwn her teeth like "iswearzifyouhaveusherelongerthanweshouldimanevaspeaktoyouagain"
Luvvie: lmao
Overit: I was like, get off my seat!

We are dumb and ridiculous! Then as if that wasn't foolish enough, VEG went and wrote a poem for our she-ro, Harriet. It went a lil something like this:

This is dedicated to Araminta Ross, aka Harriet Tubman, bka Lady Moses, i.e. The Original Antebellum Gangsta

Ms. Tubman you gave us free.
When we were too tired to keep it movin'.
Your revolver put life in our tired feet.

"Go on or die" you said
While you held the muzzle to our head.

You was 'bout dat freedom
And if a fool was late you'd leave 'em.

Leading mo fos through the bush,
On a trip that was so far.
Dodging dogs and massa
Following that north star.

Comin' back again and again
Risking yo own life
To bring others to that freedom light.

Leading armed revolts
Telling white suffragists where they could go.

Yous one badass bish.

Weezy, Jeezy, Dopey and Sneezy...
They ain't got nuthin on you, a real gangsta.

*DEAD*. iQuit ALL of us. We are RUDE. This is what happens when you don't go to bed on time.

JBSSFAOU (Guess that Jeebs be... reference)

Oh and since Harriet was bout that freedom, What U BOUT? Tell us!

Weeping Wally

noreply@blogger.com (KindredSmile) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 20:43:00 +0000

The landscape surrounding Igville is more barren than Stevie's temples. Below, please find a post from my archives to liven up the place.

***********

One of my very first suitors in college was a guy who happened to be in two of my classes. Although I'm sure a variation of the "college goggles" were in effect, he was a cutie, and I was eager ~~to sow some Kindred oats~~ to branch out and take chances. So, we went to the Black Creativity exhibit at the Museum of Science & Industry (sidenote: game or not, this was an awesome exhibit that centered on Black innovations in technology). Things were going wonderfully (he uses big words in context! he's a gentleman! he's witty!) until we stumbled upon a panel discussing the lack of available technology in poor minority communities.

Let me preface this by saying that I feel very strongly about this topic. I grew up poor. I still am poor. If it wasn't for the Apple IIe's at the community library, I wouldn't have been introduced to computers until at least junior high (whatchu know bout that Number Munchers? Oregon Trail?!).

However, my frustration at the lack of current technology and the resulting education gap was no match for his. He got into a fervent argument with some unenlightened fool, and instead of wordsmithing him to death, this ninja started crying. Like, for real you guys. No lie. At first, I thought that maybe the air was exceptionally dusty and his allergies were flaring up, but then he started snotting and his voice started cracking and there was no escaping the fact that I was out on a date with a Weepy Will, a Sobbing Rob, a Bawling Ben. So, after gingerly asking him if he was alright, I went to the bathroom to call my Mom - her advice never steered me wrong. The conversation went like this:

Me: Ma! I'm out with [snotface] and he's CRYIN!

Mom: Why? What you do to him? [ed. note: Why was that her first reaction? WTF, Mama?]

Me: I ain't even do nothing! We at the museum and he just started crying down for no reason.

Mom: [giggles]

Me: Ma, this is NOT funny! What I'm supposed to do? I mean, I offered him a tissue...

Mom: Wait, you still there? [Gov't name], come home NOW.

Me: But I think he's still crying. What if he's dying or something? Maybe he's stressed out.

Mom: He ain't dying, he's crazy. Come HOME. This just like that episode of Law & Order! Hurry up before you end up in the alley somewhere.

So, I left. And the next time I saw him, he refused to make eye contact. It went this way for the rest of the semester, until one day he came up to me and made small talk as if nothing ever happened. That creeped me out way more than the blubbering did.

It was a longer time before I returned to the Museum.

IG Movement

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 05:30:00 +0000

I come before y'all today with sadness in my heart. My soulshack is HEAVY!

LibraSong, King IG, is moving to New York City. Leaving us in Chicago to go spread his seeds of IG in another geography. I's losing him to the city that never sleeps. The city of ornery cab drivers. The city of subways with NO reception. The city where happiness goes to die and dresses in all black.

Yeah. So what that he's going to pursue his dream of being a star-ruh on Broadway? So what that he's doing what he was DESTINED to do? So what that he gon make it so big and shine so bright that Stevie Wonders would be bothered by the rays???

HMPH! Why does he have to goooooooo???iPout

*wall slide*

Singing slowly & doing hand clap...

You and me, us never part (maki dada)
Ain't no ocean, ain't no see (maki dada)
Can keep my LibraSong away from me (maki dada)

*Wall slide*
*crumples to floor*
*beats fists on floor*

I's gon miss him cuz LibraSong is just like honey and I's just like a bee!

Luvvie

P.S. He started a blog called New York AMDA Bound. Y'all go say hey to him.

P.P.S. Don't thank cause you leaving, you off the hook. You best make your presence made on this here BLAWG of IG, lest you wanst me to come to EnWhyCee and roundhouse kick you in the shin. You'ont want N'AN! I still expect POSTS from you.

P.P.P.S. But really though, I'm SO proud of my dear friend. I know he's destined for nothing but greatness. Take NYC by storm! Love you like Beyonce loves her hairhats and spandex!

Drake is NOT segzy

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 05:21:00 +0000

I sweafoGAWD the folks on Twitter ain't got NO types of sense or sensibilities. Last night, I decided to Tweet my random thought about everyone's favorite Lil Wayne protege, Drake. Little did I know that I was gonna induce epic roast from folks.

@LuvvieIG: Am I the only one who thinks Drake's face looks melted? I just think of candle wax & Droopy the cartoon dog. Drake needs his face tightened. He looks like Cletus the Slack-faced Yokel.

@karriedaway: he look myopic like a mugg all abt the face. i still love me some aubrey graham tho.

@nakiasmile: he looks like one of those sad puppy drawings

@JordanXavier: NOOOOO! Drake is NOT sexy. He looks like a yellow stay puff marshmellow man.....

@babypuss yess I think he got a face of a hard working tired 50t year old man...smh

@JordanXavier: sumn from Ghostbuster with a side of Slimer w/ a smidge of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle...

@babypuss: he looks like a piece of butter left out on the counter too long.....melted ass mess def not attractive n he cnt dress

@MsFaustin: He looks like Frankenstein with Downs Syndrome...idk bout u but that does NOT turn me on!

@naturallyalise: Drake looks like an unwrinkled SharPei puppy..

@LuvvieIG: Drake do look like the sleeve of a shirt though. The unironed kind.

@JordanXavier: don't he look like a Picasso? From far it looks good but when u get close... Gag me. *pukes* LOL!

@1uppitynegress: Drake looks like his jaws are running from his forehead. I mean like that downward slope his cheeks are on is def frightening!

@JordanXavier: Drake looks like a cross breed between a ripe banana, chimpanzee and 2nd cousin removed from a Toxic cruisader.....

iHATE everyone!!! And by hate, I mean LOVE dearly. I was CRYING laughing. I opened Pandora's box and they roasted Hope to pieces! *dead and gone to a better place*

Luvvie

Red Pump Meetup

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 18:10:00 +0000

Apart from our humanitarian ways of roasting the foolish and senseless to pieces until they rectify their ways, the IGs do dabble in goodwill. Coming up is the Red Pump Meetup. If you're going to be in Chicago on June 20th (this Saturday), The Red Pump Project is having a mixer after the Blogging While Brown Conference, for Blogger Extraordinaire, Afrobella. She just moved to Chicago from Miami, and we're welcoming her here. Proceeds for the meetup goes to the Chicago Women's AIDS Project. Booze, food, raffles & good cause = a GOOD TIME!

Ladies, Rock your Red Pumps. Fellas, Rock your Red Ties (or a Red Ascot, as I'm SURE LibraSong will opt for).

If you come, I may do a live demonstration of a wall slide. It will be AWESOME! For more info, and to RSVP, go to the Eventbrite page.

Luvvie

Its a Birf'day 'Round These Parts...

noreply@blogger.com (LibraSong) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 17:00:00 +0000

Twenty-five yurrs to the day. This highest-of-ALL-yellow IGs has finally reached a quarter of a century mark. We know'd her by her full gov'mint name (which she won't post nowhere on these here internets) but you all know her by none other than KINDREDSMILE!!!

Now I (LibraSong) usually calls my friends on their b'days (<-- that was for all you Beyonce Stans that camp outside my apartment...feel free to leave for the day now...) and leave a very poignant rendition of "Happy Birthday" on their voicemail. But since I don't know how to do that online, I have resolved to issue one limited-time only birf'day haiku entitled "Yella."

*puts on beret*

High yella skin's day

Twenty-five years of Ig'nance

Looks like a DeBarge.

*snaps all around*

Thank you, thank you.

Happy Birf'day, Boo!

LibraSong

Now, it is MY turn to bless the birfday girl with my brand of IG. I dedicate this limerick & mini rap to her lifespace:

There once was a girl named Kindred
Whose level of IG was at Five Hundred
She turned twenty five
So glad she's alive
Cuz she's doper than strawberries & bread

We've been friends for years eleven
Since Kswisses we rocked often
Now we're fiercer than Tyra's lacefronts
But definitely not as fraudulent
Partner in crime in all things IG
I wish you happy birthday, we're gonna do it BIG!!!

YEAAAAHHH BOOOI!!!!

Heart ya like I heart Crépes!!! HAPPIEST of BIRTHDAYS!!! Your martinis and cake are forthcoming.

Luvvie

ANGSTY THURSDAY: Let Me Tell YOU Somethin'!

noreply@blogger.com (LibraSong) — Thu, 28 May 2009 14:12:00 +0000

Picture this: you wake up from a nap. Not a great nap, but a good one nonetheless. You checked all your media outlets prior to falling asleep so you know’d what was there and what would be new upon your wake. Well, you log onto your favorite site only to find that someone has commented all too radically on your blog located on a different site and used really nasty, low-down, triflin' language when they did so.

This happened to me, my people. Yes, it ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Suffice to say I was on my way IN…

Now, I talks about folks that I DON’T KNOW for the purposes of entertainment. Why, dear God(t) WHY, would somebody come for me like this and I DO know them?? You thought that you would be spared the wrath just ‘cuz you in my lifespace sporadically? Well let me say you thought WRONG, heffa! iAin’ts the one to come for ‘specially when I have not sent for you!

After having a session with the rest of the Ig Council, we have decided that the most proper course of action is to address ALL the people like the one above who so often overstep their bounds and create their own reality that they have almost completely detached themselves from THIS reality. With that in mind, let ANGSTY THURSDAY begin!

To officially start this special IGsational event, to all the people who think they can say whatever they want, do whatever they want, and attack whomever they want, I shall open the Book of FridayAfterNext and read from Chapter MissPearlie, Verses 2-3: And verily I say unto thee: TODAY is the day you muthaf@#$%*s is gon’ KICK IN!

Let me tell YOU somethin'!: Stans are the worst type of people. For those that may be unfamiliar with the term “Stan,” you remember that one Eminem song with Dido singing real scared-like “My tears gon’ cold, I’m wonderin’ why-y-y-y?” and the obsessed fan colored his hair and killed himself and was like rubbing Em’s cds all over his pubies and what not? (Ok, maybe that last part didn’t happen, but I’m sure you remember it now)

Well, people who go to any lengths to suffuse their being with whatever products the celebrity creates/endorses and then goes on a rampage should something negative be written/said pertaining to said celebrity are known as Stans. In this day and age, Beyonce Stans are definitely among the WORST of THE WORST. Anyone close to me will tell you that while I am not a Beyonce “fan,” I do enjoy a few of her songs and respect her talent and ability to entertain. I do believe, however, that she goes way too far way too often and I WILL comment on it whenever I see’s it. I love Whitney Houston more than any other artist, but guess what? She smoked crack for the greater part of this decade. I will tear a club UP if one of my Britney joints come through the speakers! But in case you didn’t notice, she lost her mind for about 5 years. I still supported her, Whitney, and any and everyone else that I love, but I don’t BLINDLY hold fast to them as though God told their mothers to follow a star to a manger to give birth to them on a cold Winter night. Seriously, Beyonce Stans think she shoots sunbeams from her ass and moonlight from her vajajay. I understand the confusion; they are more than likely just looking at the crystals, rhinestone, gems, and bedazzled embellishments on her tragic House of Dereon wardrobe. But if anybody thinks that I will be silenced simply because I receive comments with dissenting viewpoints, kick Everest.

To all the Stans, let me go real hard, list style:

1) Respond appropriately. If you read something in a blog with comments enabled, don’t go to Facebook and write on someone’s Wall, especially if your viewpoint is disgustingly offensive and proactively bitchy. If I Tweet somebody, they shouldn’t send me a message back on MySpace! If I tell somebody something in person, they shouldn’t run to the nearest computer to IM me their reaction! Learn how to respond, silly ass rabbit!

2) Do unto others… To use inflammatory and purposeful language is just soliciting a mutual response. I say what I say understanding and flat out expecting the same to be said to me, but Stans don't quite get that idea. If you can’t handle someone saying to you what you say to them, STFU and SI’DOWN!

Lastly, and perhaps most important, fellow IGs and those opposed to the Power of IG,

3) Know your role. As a budding actor, I sometimes have trouble staying in character given everything that is going on around me. And for the aforementioned person and all of her counterparts, apparently the same is true. For the time that we were cool, we were cool – but you weren’t ever a supa-close friend or nothin’. Nor do we stay in touch consistently now. So what makes you think you can say something to me – on a public forum, no less – that most of my BEST friends wouldn’t fix their lips to spew? For the people that “habitually line-step” c/o Charlie Murphy and Rick James, please know and understand this truth: you are EXTRAS. Production assistants at BEST. And what do extras do? They smile politely but SILENTLY interact, do their choreographed/planned steps and movements in the BACKGROUND, and get in and out of the scene without being noticed. Every now and again they may have a line of dialogue or two, but never enough to pull focus from the STAR. And now, because you tried to AD LIB something that was NOT in the script, your scene ends up on the CUTTING ROOM FLOOR.

As we continue ANGSTY THURSDAY, we ask that you visit the following to further delve into the multifaceted issues therein: Awesomely Luvvie | KindredSmile | NaturallyAlise

Pretty Ricky Firecrotch. iCan't.

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Tue, 26 May 2009 14:00:00 +0000

I was about to go to sleep last night, when I decided to visit Miss Jia's blog and what accosted me? The foolishness below. It kept me up for 45 minutes extra as I went clean off about it. Watch and see why I'm livid.

First of all, why is a dude knowingly called "Lingerie"? IsweahfoGAWD our mens done ran away. We're left with a buncha senseless effeminate boys. How do you introduce yourself as "Lingerie" and expect to be taken seriously?

Then... THEN I wonder. Why is this dude that close up on the camera? I can smell his yuckmouth from here. Him and his gold toofus need to give me AT LEAST 5 more feet. He is all up in my personal space and I'ont appreciate it in the LEAST bit. In fact, my eyebrows just curled up from watching him. I need to go find some gel to get them back laid down.

And then, move the video to about minute 1, and watch this turn into a Shack of Sinfulness.

*GASP* The devil is HARD at work, lawd!!! This little mofo got on some red panties, and they got the nerve to be loose. Him and his lil sausage and eggs need to go sat down somewhere. Who told him it was OK? WHO???? And look at him grind like he getting them dollars. Someone oughta be making it drizzle on him. He is twurking IT! Plus the tongue he's sticking out? It's not for a woman (Not that there's Anything Wrong With That - NTTAWWT). Y'all can't tell him he ain't SEGZY though. You just cain't! And he's moving his tiny pecs up and down. Hot mess.

Him and them jail braids ain't sh*t! Some things just can't be unseen or unlearned. iRebuke lil Boy ~~Blue~~ Red to the pits of Dereon embroidered, sequined and tacky H*ll. I do. My cornea just did a *wall slide*. My 3rd eye went blind and my 6th sense quit me. My pupils gave me the *side-eye*. I need some holy water sprayed on my face post-haste.

Jeebs hold my 40 acres and that mule, my cup (that runneth over with IG) & my vaseline. Get thee behind me, Firecrotch!!! iCan't. iWon't. iShan't. iRebuke it!

Luvvie

Prom Oh-Nine!

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Sun, 24 May 2009 05:00:00 +0000

So the ePosse was doing one of our daily Gmail threads of IG and BBMo sent this one, which started a string of poems to go with them. It's Prom Season, and hoodrats everywhere rejoice in their outfits.

ZeeBaby (aka Overit aka Shri Fry Rye)

Yo, why is her life as hard as it gets
Why is her prom dress designed to keep the heffa in debt
And why them dudes gotta match just cause they're part of her set
And why they all never in class but they party to death
Yea, and why they gon give you life for a murder
cause you kilt my eyes and you look like a burger, it's goin down
Why they sellin' yo mans CD's for under a dime
If it's all love daddy why you come wit your nine...KIDS
Why your waistline look like that cake
Why is a brother up North reppin Jordan more than Jordan
Why
iHate them.

**********

Aif Wonder

Quiet as its kept, and not for nothin
There's more to life than coming to prom, looking like a muffin
The internets is real, all it takes is one minute
For me to see your pic, then have to run to the clinic
My corneas is dirty from lookin atcha face
I'm comin for YOUR corneas with a spray of mace
You got your fake money out, frontin like a pro
But how you gon' explain that picture to your damn P.O.?
All I wanna know is your SAT score
Instead you got that tutu on, lookin like a slore
Leave your kid at home, why don't you stay at home too
And don't leave yo' domicile till you have a clue

And iQuit

**********

Luvvie

This is why my Black Card I reneged
All b/c of these lil urban nigs
Wearing tattered ribbons they call dresses
While rocking their fave polyurethane tresses
My 6th sense is offended
My 3rd eye went blind
Cataracts I contracted
They don lost they good mind

From viewing this monstrosity I'm officially upset
Opening this email I can't help but regret
I weep for our kids
They aint gon be sh*t
Can I stab their parentals
In their saggy pancake tits?

This is what I wonder
as I view these pics I ponder
This just cant be life
My people are so trife

*bows*

**********

NaturallyAlise

Lacefronts, hoodrattery, and tackiness, OH MY!
I look at the pics and think "Why Must I Cry"
Reh Dog's chilluns at the prom cutting the fool
And they mama's let them walk out like that mess is cool
ICant iQuit iShant like they did their pride
And now it's funegro time, cuz iDied

*crowd snaps and shit*

**********

PBG

Horrendous Hairhats & Colored contacts
Grills on teef & Fat hangin offa adolescent backs
Dresses are final projects from
Mrs. Monroe's sewing class
They only got a "D", but shoulda got
A swift kick in the ass!

As a people we ain't doin' well
Black folks runnin' outta time
Cuz this shit right here is
The best they got to represent
Prom season Oh-Nine!

WORD! The Pinstripe Crew has spoken, in odes of IG

Ego SO big...

noreply@blogger.com (LibraSong) — Thu, 21 May 2009 17:25:00 +0000

::clears throat up real good to clear any excess Swine mucus:: "Good Morning HOUSE OF IG! I's so happy I's doin' a jig! Cuz I got something good for ya'll: Beyonce gots a new vid'ja!........" (To the tune of "Good Morning Baltimore" from Hairspray...and if you don't know the song or the show, you probably hate me a little right now. Yeah? You DO?! Well you can kick rocks, SON! I'on't need chu! Wait, no - come back into my life).

Every so often in this world of ours, an event occurs that is so magnanimous that its too big, its too wide, its too much, it won't fit in the context of everyday casual conversation. No, if you thought my description was in reference to the size of a man's penisicle, you were wrong. And THAT'S how one Mrs. Beyonce Knowles-Carter GRABS your attention in her latest single and vid'ja for "Ego." I have tried to NOT address Bey in recent days (as some people INSIST that any level of evaluation of ANYTHING in the ENTIRE WORLD is automatically HATING and that I must be the biggest HATER in the world for so harshly criticizing Bey), but when someone so intently CRAMS themselves into your daily life (thank you, L'Oreal, Verizon, Pepsi, the Oscars, Hollywood, Macy's, etc.) you must assess the source if for nothing else but sanity.

This being the case, let me say the vid'ja for "Ego" is just -- well, its just -- awful. Its just AWFUL. I will attach the link to Beyonce's website so that you may witness this tragedy for yourself - and yes, I will have to post the link to the website and not embed the video as Dictat--Papa Knowles will surely be all over the internets for unapproved usage. And believe me - that is one mustache you do NOT want comin' after you. (I'll still try the link to the actual vid anyway...if its removed, just click the link) Why is the vid'ja just turr'ble? Thank you so much for asking!

http://www.beyonceonline.com/us/home

1) I get it, Bey. With the whole "Sasha Fierce" side of the album, for each video you are purposely using the same concept of black and white and two backup dancers - Single Ladies to Diva to Ego. We ALL get it, Bey. But just because you make it APPARENT that you are using the same concept doesn't make it alright to USE THE SAME CONCEPT. Thats like telling someone, "I know you almost died from smoking that crack out of a pipe. But THIS time let's try using a needle instead."

2) It seems that with each of these videos, Bey, you move further and further away from satsifying your public on the choreography tip. Single Ladies - GREAT. Diva - ::deep inhale:: Oooh... Ego - UN UH!!!!!! A song sometimes has heavy beats. If you simply pose and quickly change poses strictly according to those heavy beats, it is NOT DANCING. Yes, your boobs look huge, shiny, and delectable (although that could be the chicken cutlets I presume are sewn into all your costumes to make you look more like a Coke bottle and less like a pear). But this overacrching idea only serves to reinforce my notion that Bey has too many gay "Yes" men around her telling her that ANYTHING she does is "fierce" or "fierosh" (for the super gays out there).

3) And since I just used a Christian Siriano term, let me use another: Bey, you look a HOT TRANNY MESS! I personally believe that the only difference between "Beyonce" and "Sasha Fierce" is that Sasha is actually a drag queen. Thats right! A FEMALE IMPERSONATOR. Mmm hmmm, I said it TINA! And what?! Let me put it to you like this: have you ever watched RuPaul's show "Drag Race"? You know the winner from that competition, Bebe? Got the image in your mind? Ok. Now, have you ever seen a picture of Matthew Knowles? You have? Great! Now mix those things up in your head and watch the "Ego" video. You can't TELL me that Beyonce don't look like she is auditioning for the next season of "Drag Race"!!!
(for those of you who haven't connected it yet, see the below visual aid...I understand, I'm a visual learn'der too).

In closing, Bey - I know that you are trying to strike while the iron is hot and basically oversaturate the media market in whatever possible facet you and Daddy Warknowles can come up with before Jay knocks you up and Mama Tina's side of the gene pool kicks in, but you need to take a break. Regroup. You are one of the most popular artists in the universe (as I'm sure the first form of life we discover on Mars will be a piece of Dereon attire) so rest! Please. Justin ain't had a cd in like, 4 years, and he's still doin' alright. Christina's last album was what, 2 years ago? And she is still doing oher projects. Bey, you can feel free to focus on one thing so that your creative juices aren't being so minimally spread... You are making me start to like Ciara more and more.

She's Baaaaaaaaaack!

noreply@blogger.com (V dot) — Tue, 19 May 2009 05:25:00 +0000

And male strippers are totally ghey (NTTAWWT)

Oh, Ignant Ones. I want to first apologize for my absence. I have missed you.

It's been a busy 2009. I ended 2008 with a month long trip to Portugal, Kenya and Amsterdam and spent three weeks of 2009 in New Orleans. I've been working nonstop on projects that will bring me worldwide acclaim and finally get me the recognition I deserve for my creative brilliance (ok...maybe the last sentence is a wee bit exaggerated and full of delusion, but ya fell me, yes?).

None of this, however, is an excuse for my absence. Please, have mercy on me.

Do know that ignance has reigned in my life. A quick overview of some of the ridiculous, ignant and ridiculously ignant things that could only happen to moi (yes, I speak french):

A very cute Angolan boy, living in Portugal, asking me to do something very obscene. I think it was the first time I have ever gasped out loud.
A Kenyan visa Nazi taking my passport, calling me a saucy American and leading me to an empty room and leaving me for 20 minutes to think about my life.
Me soul training down the line at a mardi gras party in New Orleans only to get pushed out of the way by my parade duke so he could WALK down the line.
Me forgetting to pack shoes to go with my post-parade mardi gras day outfit and having to wear my cousin's dirty flip-flops, which were two sizes too big.
My 12-year old nephew announcing to the family that he will probably have a wet dream when he's 13, only to be met with a chorus of "shut ups" and "go downstairs". Those sex ed classes are a mutha, I tell you.

Most recently, ignance held court at my friend's bachelorette party. The hilarity that was the entertainment - i.e. skripper - is just too much to keep within our circle of friends. I was set on fire - literally - and two women were tossed around like rag dolls. It was gross and amusing at the same time. But the most ignant of it all has yet to be told.

First, brotha man, Dark Secret, was 40 minutes late (CPTime ruled; the pleasure party lady was also 40 minutes late. Folks who work on tips should be prompt. I'm just saying).

Dark Secret, DS for short, arrives and is much shorter than I expected. I was 5'9" in my heels (a nude peep toe platform pump, thank you very much) and had about an inch on him. He was accompanied by what I clearly and immediately recognized as a homo-thug in disguise: baggy jeans, baggy jersey, vest, long sleeve tees (the gheys like to layer) hat, lots o gold chains. His name was Sincere. He was not a skripper; rather, he was introduced as DS's 'brother'.

Now, good people, DS is quite chocolate, full of melanin. Sincere was the color of burnt sugar. DS had an accent. Sincere sounded like he was from the South Side of Chicago. Now, I am not saying they couldn't be brothers. But I wasn't buying it.

DS and Sincere are shown to the changing room. Much to my surprise, Sincere stayed in the room when DS changed into his skripper costume. Hmmm. Close family. I knocked on the door several times cuz time was of the essence (we had a limo coming - yeah, that's how we roll - to take us on a bar crawl) and, each time, Sincere opened it a crack and gave me an irritated expression.

Fast forward to show time. The music is cued and DS comes out...this is where it got really ignant. And ghey.

His costume: a straw, coolie hat (aka a 'china man' hat) that sat atop a red doo-rag. Red knee length suede boots (like a bad version of the much-hated Uggs) with satin straps that laced up his thighs. A sheer, gold mesh thongy-skirt thing. Some plastic gold spray painted chains. Sheer, gold mesh, fingerless, elbow-length gloves with red trim. It screamed: ghey.

The costume caused many of us to let out a few loud guffaws. We didn't get it. Was he a Chinese slave? I need him to research his costumes. DS was also covered in oil; methinks Sincere oiled his back.

During the show, as DS worked for tips, Sincere would hover over the woman he was near, giving side-eyes that would make Luvvie jealous. He also snapped at a few of us when we commented that DS's schlong wasn't real.

Well alrighty then. (it was, btw. Our bad.)

DS worked for his money, and was worth every penny. He worked it.

Besides, what's not to love about a pseudo-buff, possibly DL brotha, setting his member aflame, letting women pour hot wax on him, popping his bubble booty and writhing around on the floor? And who couldn't derive pleasure from watching Sincere smile in admiration as he watched the performance?

After the show, we hopped in the limo and hit the streets. We spent a great deal of the car time - 60 percent of it - inspecting pics and dissecting both the costume and Sincere's relationship with Dark Secret.

Good times for all.

Well, that's all for now folks. More ignance to come. Promise!

*I want to be clear that I am not judging Sincere or Dark Secret. I *heart* the gheys. I just wasn't buying their story.

Crazy Magnet

Lethal Side-Eye

noreply@blogger.com (KindredSmile) — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:02:00 +0000

I emailed this pic to Fresh about a week ago, and it's haunted me and Luvvie ever since. Below please find our commentary on this wonder of wonders.

Luvvie: What do I say to that???

Luvvie: Where do I begin, Lawd????

Kindred: HA! I tried to warn yo life, but now you are slayed in the name Mama Tina's long lost Creole ancestress

Luvvie: That side eye of glory gave me life, killt me dead and breathed oxygen into me at the same damn time

Kindred: Lethal, you hear me?! I think she models her look after Storm...but with an Island flavor. Ha! Tropic Storm game proper!

Luvvie: I feel like my life don changed for the better by seeing that

Kindred: I know mine has. I can rest easy knowing that British hoes are being murked en masse

Luvvie: She is a hybrid of chaka khan, tina turner and mama tina rolled into one

Kindred: One of them might be hiding in that tower of terror atop her head

Luvvie: U see that mammoth hairhat??? Can't nobody tell me she aint win an auction of the costume dept from the wiz And dyed the lion's mane and put that on

Kindred: She is yo QUEEN. Yo Black Sheba. Your Enchanted Tigress!

Luvvie: Its perfectly feline feathered. iCant That lady is a fierce kitty! I aint lyin

Kindred: Oooo, her aura is feisty. I think my monitor just gave me two snaps round the world

Luvvie: Then her eyebrows!!! Lawd her eyebrows! They look like that key on the keyboard that points up

Kindred: LMAO only if the tune is one of sass. Maybe Yamaha can give her an endorsement

Luvvie: They r all types of literal and figurative shaaaapness

Kindred: You see them angles, folk? Her arch is arched

Luvvie: The better to ice grill u with

Kindred: Naw her grill is one of heat and unbridled rage. That pasty mess offended her lifespace with her blandness

Luvvie: And her face? Sponsored by fashion fair All them layers of makeup

Kindred: Is there such a thing as bedazzled spackle? Cause if not, there is now

Luvvie: RuPaul is somewhere MAD at being swagger jacked

Kindred: Nah, I'd like to think he's somewhere writing her a Thank You lettah for inspiring folks round the world to resurrect their inner Diva and let her Shine

Luvvie: All of this jus makes this lethal side eye better

Kindred: It's the total package. You can't put this kind of ensemble together overnight. It is a perfect storm of fever...correction: Perfect Tropic Storm

Luvvie: I mean I feel like I aint even worthy of seein this pic

Kindred: Blessings come in many ways - now I have motivation to continue my daily side-eye exercises without fear of becoming wonky pupil-ed

Luvvie: I'm a side-eye rookie compared to her

Kindred: That side-eye represents her life, her countrymen, their struggle, their fears, their success. It's a badge of honor and a heavy burden

Luvvie: She is my mr miyagi and I must study this pic for hours... Nay, months so I can b side-eye game proper

Kindred: We all have our goals. If I can slay someone upon my deathbed with a side-eye like this, I'm sure I'd be brought back to life and perfect health almost instantly. Karma, ya know

Luvvie: That lady gotta feel some heat on the side of her face The way madame cameroon is lookin at her? I bet she got a black bruise on her cheek now amd don't kno how it got there

Kindred: LMAO can you imagine her the next day?! "Oh drat, I've got quite the blemish here"

Luvvie: Whooo lawd. Madame UK don't e'en kno it but its a shell of her former self sittin there

Kindred: Her soul is somewhere dazed and confused. It went for the light and got straight bamboozled

Luvvie: She'ont kno the old her is dead and gone. Cause: Lethal side-eye administered by hating ass first lady

Kindred: That hate is so powerful it can be acquired by osmosis. Now I hate Madame Crumpets and I'm still not sure why

Luvvie: Seriously, this pic is everything I ever wanted and never knew I needed

Kindred: This day has to be the worst of Madame UK's life. The only way it could get any worse is if Chris Brown showed up and asked her to go on a car ride

Luvvie: I aint scared of lions, tigers or bears but I'm scared of THAT side-eye

Kindred: I'm pretty sure First Lady Creole can now be classified as a terrorist AND war hero

Luvvie: Jeebs be a protectice cloak or somefin for madame uk

Kindred: No mere cloak is strong enough to protect her! Madame UK needs a distraction, like a handful of Fashion Fair compacts to toss at her and run. Oooh, or maybe a mirror like Medusa

Luvvie: I bet that side-eye scared her teeth str8

Kindred: Let's not get out of hand here. We all know there's no such thing as a British dentist, so a side-eye couldn't possibly resurrect Madame UK's teeth

Luvvie: weak from lookin at pic too long I need to lie down faints dramatic like

Kindred: I wonder if you fell in her weave, would I ever see you again? Would you return 20 years later to regale me with mystic tales of adventure?

Luvvie: Annnnnddd scene
takes a bow (no rihanna)

House of Truants

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Fri, 08 May 2009 05:48:00 +0000

We've turned these four walls into a House of Truants. It's that alternative schol that they dump all the kids that cut class to much and smoke cigs in the hallway. We've been missing like the front teef of a meth addict. Missing like Whoopi Goldberg's eyebrows. Missing like Ashanti's career. What had happened was... mmhmmm, YUUUPP! That's what happened. But really, we just ALL got extra busy at the same time. Besides, I run fitty-eleven other blogs and I've neglected this IGnificent house. I will do better.

HOWEVER, I ain't the one to point elbows but SOMEIG *coughs* Kindred *coughs* has been SITTING on a post since LAST WEEK! LAST. WEEK. I gchatted that fool a post on the way to the airport and she STILL ain't added her half of it and posted it a week later. But I ain't the one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me. Don't blame me, y'all. Blame that yella girl w/ the perpetual side-eye. Mmmhmmmmm

I'm just saying...

Luvvie

Onesie = Walking Turn On

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 16:06:00 +0000

Stumbled upon this gem on a website called Rad Dudes, and I had to post it here. It's made my morning.

Just in case you can't read what the caption on the picture says: "Because one is enough. when its you. Show where you're headed in the ultimate fashion climax. Fits so tight it shows all you've got... you're a walking turn-on. And treats your body as well as she does. Easy on. easy off. quick as a flick of her tongue. sexy cool crinkle cloth for those hot nights to come. Designed with your desires in mind... she'll eat you alive in it. The Big Zip is 50% polyester / 50% cotton. Long-sleeved in rust, blue, or black. Short-sleeved in natural, blue or camel. Are you man enough to fill it?"

iCant. That sounds like the caption I would have written for this thing. Except they were actually SERIOUS!

This dude is rocking a bellbottom onesie and FEELING himself. I will admit though, he is giving me LIFE! All that fierce is oozing from the pic. You can TELL he is just thinking "Yes, I know you see me. I'm sexy aint I? You don't even have to say it. You SEE me."

As if that wasn't the best. Then I read the caption and pretty much fell out my chair in HYSTERICS! The old, present, and future me is dead and GONE!

Let's do point by point of the foolishness.

"Ultimate Fashion Climax" - So pretty much, when you see this overgrown man in his denim onesie, you may just need to change your undies because you came TWICE. THAT is how awesome this outfit is. And I'm PRETTY sure I'm going to refer to myself as a "walking turn-on" AT LEAST 5 times today. Just because.

"Sexy Cool Crinkle Cloth" - Why am I thinking about taffeta at this description? Next time someone asks me what I'm rocking, I'mo tell them some "sexy COOOL crinkle fabric". Shonuff

"Long-sleeved in rust" - HUH? You mean to tell me where's a shiny version of this? I imagine whoever puts that on would look like a human penny. This visual is fantastic and by fantastic, I mean, scary and hilarious.

There's so much more foolishness in this whole thing, including all them pockets on the jumpsuit. But I will say this. It made my day. And yes, my day is early, but I doubt that there could be something that could top this. *Sigh* the 70s wasn't sh*t. I'da loved be alive during that time.

Where've we been?

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 16:30:00 +0000

What it does? The IGs have been missing for a minute and ish. We've just been ~~lazy~~ tryna get ourselves in order so we haven't written nothing.

In the meantime, I's having an eShindig over at my blog today to celebrate my 150th blog post. We's kicking it, popping some eBailey's. Make your way there and drop a line. We even started electric sliding. Come do a 2-step with me.

Luvvie

Nigerian Men & Online Dating: Seriously???

noreply@blogger.com (The O.N.E) — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 19:37:00 +0000

Last weekend, I visited my sister in a town that can rarely be located on a map, but somehow made it on the news TWICE this week. First, as the site for underage drunken celebrations of a high school basketball championship and second, as the town where a newly discovered terrorist spent his undergraduate years plotting against the good ol' U S of A. Go Peoria!!! May your light continue to burn bright (eyes being rolled).

That, however, is not the point of this post (and YES, Luvvie made it perfectly clear that I have been delinquent in my IG duties. For that, I apologize).

While in said town, I had lunch with a lady who was extremely excited about a "friend" she met on an online dating site. I immediately had to choke down my laughter and smile in such a way that would encourage her to continue an already embarrassing story. I was expecting her to say she met him on one of the typical sites (eHarmony, Match.com, etc.), but instead she said, "I met him on meetnigerians.net."

Wait.

Wait.

WHAT?!

Stop the effin' presses! I had no idea such a site existed! Dear friends, I cannot tell you the how this made me feel. Elated, but dismayed. Amused, but bemused. Tickled, but terrified at the thought of Nigerian men seeking love online. Why you may ask? Allow me to explain.

Nigerian men and romance are two terms that cannot and do NOT belong together. For these brothas, corny expressions of love coupled with an intense, but ridiculous stare are the well-known, but misguided ways to a woman's heart. Allow me to provide you with an example of each:

Scene: Downtown Chicago. You're in a club, sitting with your girlfriends, annoyed at the lack of male eyecandy, scantily-clad pregnant woman (there's one in every club), and scrubs hoping that they can accidentally catch you looking their way.

A stranger approaches (in a heavy Nigerian accent): What is up? (not Wassup) My name is Emeka and emmm...I was checking you out from across de way.

You (thinking to yourself): Hmm...not bad looking, kinda feeling the accent...let's see where this goes.

Emeka: Please eh, I want a good wo-man, a fine wo-man. A GOD-fearing wo-man! Is dat you? I hope so.

You: Ummm...o--k. (looking around for someone to save you, but your girls are not paying attention)

Emeka: Bay-bee (Baby), you are fine. So fine eh, I want to marry you. NOW!

You (eyes wide in shock, thinking): OH HELL NO! NOT AGAIN! WHY GOD? WHY????? (you back away in alarm and he steps even closer, turning on the stare of death)

Emeka: I have to have you. (the stare down begins)

You (thinking): What the hell is up with dude's eyes? Does he even blink?

Emeka: Why won't you let me love you?

You: What? I just met you dude!! (the hairs on the back of your neck are rising from his unwavering gaze. You look over to your girls, your eyes saying, "DAMMIT, COME SAVE ME!")

Emeka: It doesn't matta. We were meant to be. I feel it. Don't you?

You (thinking): O.M.G. This is NOT happening! I hope no one I know is here...

Emeka: Let me just say eh, you are the apple of my eye, the sugar in my tea, the mosquito in my sleeping net, the petrol (Gas) in my tank.

You (fed up with this African Rico Suave): Riiight. I have to go. My girls are waiting for me.

Emeka: No!!! Don't mind them. You cannot leave! The night is still young. (He takes your hand) Come and let us jam togedda. (Perverted smile and stare. Stare. Stare......)

**Sigh**

A woman's struggle never ends. What is a girl to do in such a situation? "Just say No" hasn't worked for drugs, why should it keep off a Nigerian man? His addiction to you forms faster and lasts longer than any crack habit, TRUST ME! First, it's the clubs, church, Best Buy (I was accosted by a surly and aggressive cab driver who propositioned me and then FOLLOWED ME to my car, insisting that he be the one I call on those, "lonely nights"). Now the madness has transferred to the World Wide Web. When will it end? When???

All I know is I'm scared and you should be too.

The O.N.E.

To Our Beloved Candace

noreply@blogger.com (KindredSmile) — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 17:23:00 +0000

Dearest Candace,

First and foremost, I begin this letter with words of thanks.

Thank you for your willingness to sh*t on common sense by continuing to comment on posts you don't like, solely about how much you don't like them. Granted, if your criticism was witty it might have been taken to heart, cause here at Igville, the power of a good roast reigns supreme. However, your comment was drier than Ciara's diaphragm and Alise's scalp.

Thank you for your dedication and perseverance, which ensures that you will grumble on every post that Luvvie writes, dignity be d*mned. Commenting on a post three days old at 1:13 in the morning conveys the fact that your angsty heart knows no bounds.

Thank you for your unsolicited advice which implies that we here at Igville write to please the masses. For the record, we don't. We write to amuse ourselves, and anyone else that finds our random humor entertaining is appreciated, but certainly not needed. Do not make the mistake of flattering yourself by assuming that your readership is required for us to lead fulfilling, Igtastic lives.

Now that the accolades are over, I have a few questions. Namely, why do you keep coming back to piss and moan? Is it the unbridled rage in your heart that compels you to do so? Second, it is my understanding that you enjoy the writing of our other contributors, including myself. If this is true, why must you bundle these compliments as the sweet filling inside of a sh*tty hate sandwich?

Last, and perhaps the most pressing question of all... why are you named Candace? Don't you realize that you were probably better off with the title of Anonymous? As both a mother and a daughter, this concerns me greatly.

You can respond to these inquiries at your leisure. Again, thank you. Thank you for failing so greatly that it caused me to succeed in writing a post in eight minutes flat.

Yours in Ig,
Kindred

Ruminations of the Random Persuasion

noreply@blogger.com (LibraSong) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 18:31:00 +0000

From time to time, I have cwazy thoughts. No, not "Maybe I should just come at her head real hard with little reason" crazy *raised eyebrow to Keri Hilson* or "I should get back with him even though parts of me are still swollen" crazy *side eye to YOU KNOW WHO,* but just thoughts that in the grand scheme of things don't really make sense. I, like you, sometimes refer to these thoughts as RANDOM. On a deeper level, they're not really random; we all know that just one thing any of our senses picks up on can trigger an entire string of internal conversation. However, without knowing the backstory, most other people would be caught off guard by these thoughts. And thus, my forte. I usually put my random thoughts in my Facebook statI, but because Facebook has become Twitbook or Facetwit (I think I like that one more...), I have decided to list them here. That's right - SANS backstory. PLEASE NOTE: Some of these are repeats. I agree with Luvvie - self-plagiarism is NOT plagiarism. Partake. Enjoy.

1) I don't care how much you may love him or think he's the hottest rapper in the game right now, Lil' Wayne still looks like a tatted up pap smear.

2) In my role as an admissions counselor, I just had to call a prospective student named Vesta. Too bad she was denied admission, 'cuz I was ready to shout "CongratuLAAAAAAAATIONS!!! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, OH, OHHH, oh, oh, oh!" P.S. Did you know that Vesta had a VID'JA for that song???! It looks like it was filmed on the set of "Amen."

3) In the words of Dave Chappelle, "I know a pimp when I see one..." and King Triton on the Little Mermaid was a pimp. SEVEN daughters and NO mama to be seen?? And that crown?! And the way he had to bring the smackdown on Ariel's treasure cave? However, I didn't care for the undertones of underage sex and beastiality - mm, hmm - I'm lookin' at YOU, so-called Prince Eric! Or should I say Prince Kelly?????

4) If Oprah, MISS SOFIA herself, tells you to do something, you best do it. If she told me to leave somebody I had been with for 14 years, I would say "Hey, this thing just ain't meant to be" and chuck the deuces. If not for any other reason than she could probably raise a series of fingers and have you removed from existence.

5) Those commercials with the kids working the computers and taking pictures and sending 'em to people and editing and cropping them and sh*t gives me a case of the Horribles. Kids shouldn't be THAT smart.

6) I saw a girl in a club a couple weeks ago that was at least a size 12 with a one piece, we'll say "outfit" on her body that was made for probably a size 10. Not a huge difference, but a few short observations. First, I use the term OUTFIT accurately...cuz Lord knows that thang out fit HER. Second, don't try to be sociable in the club when the right or more appropriately wrong move will reveal everything under that thin denim contraption. Third, be kind to yourself and to others as that ensemble made me feel like my corneas were fighting one another.

7) Beyonce appears in the latest issue of...what was it again, Vogue? Yes, I believe it was Vogue. One blogger put it best: "I don't know what she was selling this time." Seriously, it won't be long before the House of Dammititswrong is designing bedazzled diaphragms. "For the Single Lady who wants to stay a Single Lady." They'll be the tackiest, nastiest thang you can put in yo' vajajay since...Lil' Wayne!

Aaaaand we come full circle. This won't be a recurring post, just something I needed to get off my chest. Be cool.

Breakfast Song

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 06:06:00 +0000

Crownie is such a damn enabler, sending me these videos continually. He is like my Crack Dealer.

Luvvie: bwahahahahahahaha omg! cackles

Crownie: dead

iCANNOT. iWILLNOT

Luvvie: i think He callin me home after this. hahahahahahahahaha iShant.

Crownie: okay?!?!?

Luvvie: iRebuke it

Crownie: he said.... "no mo nuts of grapes"

Luvvie: hahahahahaha

Crownie: goes on to Glory

Luvvie: Flat. lined. no mo' chicken n mo' po'k chops. aint we talm bout breakfast???

Crownie: ;lsdf;lkjs;lgjfd RIGHT!

Luvvie: the hell is u eatin po' chops for breakfast for?

Crownie: LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO SUGAR AND RIIIICEEEE LMAOOOOO

Luvvie: hahahahaha convulses
iCant w/ ur colored people. i just cannot!

Crownie: them is YO folks! don't you put that evil on me!

Luvvie: hell naw they not

Crownie: ionno if i can handle the video AND a roast.

Luvvie: hahahaha

Crownie: i WILL be meetin' jeebus tonight if that happens.

Luvvie: hahahaha and they actually REHEARSED this song and was like "YES. this is THA JOINT!"

Crownie: RIGHT. that poor woman in the RED... she is soooo insignificant. sooo irrelevant

Luvvie: why did i jus cackle loudly

Crownie: LMAOOOOOOOO lawd jesus WHY? this belongs on a local access channel

Luvvie: she look like she thinkin "this is some bullshit"

Crownie: not on somebody's NEWS. deadddd she prolly whooped his ASS once this aired
and she saw that she looked like a buffoon. just IGNANT

Luvvie: lady in red: "this is what i get for tryna pay sister o'dell back. public embarassment"

Crownie: ____________________________________

Luvvie: she is like "who gon head ursher section 43 now?my church career is in shambles! who gon get my white gloves?"

Crownie: -dead- who gon get passa his urange juice?!?!

Luvvie: and hand him his tricolor bible? i been doin it for 45 yrs and i aint neva had to do some shit like this

Crownie: who gon take off his jacket when him feels the ghost?!?!

Luvvie: who gon throw the cape over his shoulders?

Crownie: LAWWWDDD WHO GON' HOLD HIS MULE WHEN HE SHOUTS?!?!?

Luvvie: hahahahahahahaha an spritz his hair back with prostyl gel when he sweats? who???

Crownie: kjrlkjfljdsgkjlqkweflwekgjneklt ooooh lawwwddd

Luvvie: ahahahaha i am thru. do u hear me?? thru w/ ur negroids!

Crownie: tell yo cousin' and aunt bertha that im quitting youtube cuzza dem!

Luvvie: bwahahahaha it aint my fault that ur Great God Aunt Eunice got played

Crownie: LMMFAO

Luvvie: youtube is the gateway to hell

Crownie: ain't it?

Luvvie: isweahfo frankincense, gold and myrrh

Crownie: LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL evil abounds.....the devil is BUSY.

Luvvie: the devil is a state of illinois social worker. SWAMPED w/ work

Crownie: LOLLLL

Bus Foolery

noreply@blogger.com (KindredSmile) — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 13:44:00 +0000

I introduced a feature entitled "Madison Tales" on my blog that is updated with increasing frequency cause folks don't know how to act. Below, find the post that started it all.

*********

So, my evening commute consists of taking the Madison bus from downtown to the Wesssidde to pick up Piggles. This bus ride is rarely, if ever, uneventful. In fact, sometimes it's the highlight of my day.

Scene: Bus stop, West Loop. Rush hour. Frantic commuters everywhere.

Cast: Kindred, surly because she skipped lunch in favor of shopping AND because two packed buses have passed her by:

Commuter Guy, a stereotype through and through:

Ms. Fatback*, a woman of handsome girth:

*No, she wasn't dressed like this at the bus stop - that would be another post entirely.

Commuter Guy parks his bike and stands on the bus stop, futzing with his Blackberry and briefcase. After about seven minutes, another crammed bus pulls up to let a couple of claustrophobic people off, gasping for air. Undaunted, Commuter Guy searches for his fare cause he is totally getting on this effin bus, laws of physics be d*mned. Kindred rolls her eyes and looks for the next one. Commuter Guy firmly plants his foot on the first step of the bus to signal his determination to board, while still searching for his fare. Momentarily distracted, he doesn't notice that Ms. Fatback is at the top of the steps. Finally finding his fare, Commuter Guy rushes up two more stairs, bounces off of Ms. Fatback's fat back, and tumbles down the stairs and onto the street, but not before knocking over a couple of other commuters and opening his briefcase (sending papers flying).

Cause I'm really all about the visual aids, here is an artistic interpretation of what happened:

Here is my (subtle) reaction:

Did I offer to help? No! Did I pick up any stray papers that were swirling about my head? No! What did I do? Rush into the Opera House because I was laughing so hard I turned purple and slobbed a little.

I'm not going to win a Compassionate Award any time soon.

Drop Kick me Jesus

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 06:04:00 +0000

I've been changed, for the day I listened to this song, I KNOWED there was a GAWD! My homie, Crownie (McIGface), who is so foolish he needs a Sense Bailout, and I were on GChat and I sent him this video. This video had me in a severe bout of the CackleFits, which didn't stop for most of the day. Twas turrble and awesome at the same time.

Luvvie: *dead* "Drop Kick me Jesus through the Goalposts of life"
Crownie: ;lkdsjflgsmfvlaeskrmealskvesr (Crownie's hysterical laughter)
___________________________________________________________________________________ (Crownie flatlines)
Luvvie: i request that people wear white usher gloves to my funegro. i aint gon make it!!
Crownie: laaaaawddd he is SERIOUS in his plea!
Luvvie: hahahah iCant
Crownie: neither LEFT nor the RIGHT
Luvvie: iQuit white people and country music
Crownie: *shouts*. iQuit YOU for sending me thisssss. ooooh i cant
Luvvie: hahahahahaha iDied, got resurrected, and DIED again!
Crownie: ;liijlkjkhvhfgxfd
Luvvie: Drop Kick me Jesus!
Crownie: i'm in my apartment SCREAMING. drop kick me jesus through the goal posts of LIFE! yesss lawwdddd
Luvvie: hahahahahahaha
Crownie: end over end...bwahahahahaha
Luvvie: i just KEELED again!
Crownie: LAWD i saved it to my favorites.
Luvvie: OMG im CRYING still!
Crownie: stoooppppp i can't take it!
Luvvie: my stomach hurts. OMG im soooo thru w/ homo sapiens. THROUGH! do u hear me??
Crownie: i just grew 3 new abs. God works in mysterious ways
Luvvie: bwahahahahaha. iQuit u. pack ur shit and GO
Crownie: where's my inhaler?????
Luvvie: u best find it b4 Jesus drop kicks u in the lungs
Crownie: LAESLDKJFGLKSDJFG *DEAAAADDDDD*
Luvvie: hahahahaha
Crownie: two quits in one day....you are gone from me now....be blessed...
Luvvie: nooooooooooooooo
Crownie: lmao.
Luvvie: *holds on to crownie's ankles*
u cant leave me! u cant LEAVE ME!!! do u hear me???? U aint goin NOWHERE!
Crownie: LOLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Luvvie: bwahaha aw man Jesus just drop kicked my ability to act right
Luvvie: *guffaws* why is this song stuck in my head??
Crownie: LMAO i thought i was the only one. i just texted my mama "drop kick me jesussssss". she said ... WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD?!?!
Luvvie: hahahahahahaha yessss

5 hrs later

Luvvie: Bwahahahahaha
Crownie: lmaoooooooooo
Luvvie: Thru the goalposts of life
Crownie: yes lawd. not to the left. nor the right
Luvvie: Hahahhahahah
Crownie: RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE, JESUS. direct me lawwwdddd
Luvvie: But thru them yellow bars of the world!
Crownie: YESSSSSS! *shouts off good square toed church shoes*. stacy adams
Luvvie: Hahahahhahahahahahahaha
*throws down church fedora and stilettos*
Crownie: lijaskjlfkadsjkkjnjugvgv I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT AND WILL NOT
Luvvie: Hahahaha
Crownie: i believe it's just best if i quit you not before you say something that bursts my laughbox. now****
completely wide open. just tear it to pieces.
Luvvie: Hahahaha U done quit me thrice 2day. Thrice!

Crownie: omg omg omg omg omg you HAVE TO GET ON YOUR COMPUTER. ASAP ASAP
Luvvie: Lol oh nooo. Whatcha find?
Crownie: OOOOOOOOOH lawwdddd. i found somebody performing it. jeeeeeeeesus it's a lil ole country family!
Luvvie: Hahahahahahaha Oh nooooo
Luvvie: The shit is hilarious. That song changed my life
Crownie: oohwhee jesus wept. lmao he sayssss "i got the will if YOU GOT THE TOOEEEE"
yess laawddd. my jesus is a PUNTER. praise GAWD'T!
Luvvie: Bwahahahahaahah Not a punter
Crownie: when jesus kicks me i want the LAWD to say.. "IT'S GOOOOOOOOOOODDD!!!"
Luvvie: IQuit u. pack ur shit!
Crownie: THIS IS IKE AND TINA....we got 5455645 days between here and a good nights right. you tryna leave me anna mae?!
Luvvie: yes i am!
Crownie: rest****
Luvvie: talm bout "My Jesus is a punter"

*watches 2nd drop kick me Rendition featuring White Church Choir* *dies again*

Crownie: a;lksjdlkfldkjsw
Luvvie: in honor of the superbowl??
Crownie: i died ... rose 3 seconds later only to DIE again. i want black and gold balloons @ my funegro
Luvvie: i would like my epitaph to say "she came, she tried to live a good life, but promptly died after she was drop kicked by Jesus after watchin this video
Crownie: LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LMAOOOO
Luvvie: omg this day has been AWESOME. jus b/c of drop kick me Jesus