How Not To Act Old

#160: Don’t Get A Dog

Pamela Redmond Satran — Sat, 28 Jul 2012 20:11:22 +0000

What is it that makes middle-aged women not only run out en masse and get dogs, but become more attached to their dogs than to, say, their husbands and children? Never mind, don’t answer that, I know what: The dogs actually like them! Want to spend time with them! While I understand, on an emotional [...]

#159: Don’t Talk To Strangers

Pamela Redmond Satran — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 04:16:09 +0000

Want to make your kids so embarrassed by you that their faces burst into flames and they attempt to sink right down into the grime-covered floor? Then go to a restaurant with them, spend some time acting like a normal person — you know, ordering a glass of wine, surveying the menu — and then, [...]

#158: Defy Expectations

Pamela Redmond Satran — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 21:45:02 +0000

As How Not To Act Old dictates go, this one is a tad sanctimonious, a bit fifty-and-fantabulous, a little “Yeah, you old, but you still got the mojo, Mama!” And you know, we don’t buy that bullshit around here. We’re all about: Sure, we’re a little bit wiser, but our tits are saggy and we [...]

#157: Don’t Fear the Wrong

Pamela Redmond Satran — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 15:34:45 +0000

Some old people, even some who are not my husband, are so afraid of being wrong — of feeling insecure, inexpert, foolish, stupid, whatever — that they work very hard at being right all the time. Or at least, at not being wrong, not doing or saying the wrong thing. What’s, well, wrong with that?, [...]

#156: Downsize Your Dining Room

Pamela Redmond Satran — Mon, 02 May 2011 13:24:05 +0000

During one of my random tours of Twitter the other day (how are you supposed to use that thing?), I happened to notice that @EpsteinLiterary, aka literary agent Kate Epstein, claimed she’d sold her house in less than a day using the advice in a book she’d represented, Okay, excuse the dangling sentence there, but [...]

#155: Don’t Read Mass Market Paperbacks

Pamela Redmond Satran — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 14:54:25 +0000

OK, this may seem like an odd directive. Why not: Don’t read trashy novels? Or maybe: Don’t read any kind of fiction? And wait a minute, didn’t you tell me way back at Number 42 that I wasn’t supposed to read anything at all? And what is a mass market paperback anyway? A mass market [...]

#154: I’ve Decided: It’s “Don’t Dress Up”

Pamela Redmond Satran — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 13:37:25 +0000

Despite the confusion the New York Times brought to this issue, I’ve decided after much deliberation and observation that the official How Not To Act Old dictate should be “Don’t Dress Up.” The Evil Young are much more likely to go out looking like they cleaned the basement, got drunk, danced all night, had sex [...]

My Christmas Problem

Pamela Redmond Satran — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 01:52:23 +0000

#153: Don’t Fear Death

Pamela Redmond Satran — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 23:52:29 +0000

I went to the cemetery today with my badass friend Mary Jean: historic Green-Wood Cemetery in Brooklyn, not that far from where we met and became friends as young moms 25 years ago. A few minutes into our old people-style trolley tour, I looked over to find Mary Jean had put on her sunglasses: How freaking [...]

#152: Tear Up Those Theatre Tickets

Pamela Redmond Satran — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 00:45:29 +0000

It pains me to come clean about this, since, as a cultured person who cares about the future of art and wants to protect the finer entertainments — museums, the symphony, poetry, for Christ’s sake — against the onslaught of hip hop performances and monster truck rallies…..wait a minute, what was I trying to say? [...]