I’ve been here, with my growing babies. Everything is good.

A couple months ago I pulled back from blogging because I felt a need for more privacy. I’ve processed so much of my coming-of-age journey online. And I question how to let my heart pour out in words through my fingertips… without sharing indiscriminately with the world, with anyone who reads.

But I think it’s time to open up a little, for now.

Having Eliza changed me. A few weeks after she was born I turned 25. And suddenly I felt like I had arrived. I was midway through my twenties and had two kids. Life seemed shorter.

I don’t have time to waste. There is only one chance to know and love the Lord, to live and share Christ’s love every day. My life is passing. Our lives are all passing.

When my baby girl was born, something else changed. I somehow gained the courage to try new things. It’s as if the colors around me sharpened a little. I stopped thinking about trying things and now I do them. I feel more equipped and confident. I don’t know where it came from but I’m thankful for it.

The last change has been more of a struggle. Now that I have a husband and children, I feel that I have so much to lose. My heart aches at the bare thought. We are all so frail. Sickness, accidents, disasters, or sin can wipe out everything I hold dear in seconds. I do not hold my life. Or my happiness. Or my marriage. Or my children. Nothing I can do guarantees an outcome I will like.

And on a daily basis, I feel as though I’m squeezed into a tight little box because my children require such constant and close supervision. Everything requires strategic planning because merely leaving the room for 5 seconds could result in a bite or push and a crying baby. Planning to get even the most simple things done (like making supper) makes me anxious because I feel that I will be hindered. Forget any out-of-the-ordinary tasks, especially those with time constraints.

So my anxiety has been a bit off the charts since Eliza’s been born.

When 2012 began I didn’t pick a word of the year. But the one that has kept coming back to me is trust. And I know that’s because I desperately need to learn what that means, along with a deeper understanding of prayer. God has blessed me mightily through His Word in this season, but I feel that there is so much depth to prayer and I need discipline to plumb those depths.

So that is a little glimpse into my life lately. Or I suppose a long glimpse. How are you?

Don’t forget to enter my Salba chia giveaway!

This giveaway is now closed. The winner, chosen by random.org, is Callie with comment #9. Thanks to all who entered!

I’ve never done a product review on my blog (other than for books), but when I was contacted to ask if I’d like to do a review of Salba chia seeds, I had to say yes.

Chia seeds are one of my favorite health food splurges. A friend gave me some to try when I was pregnant with Eliza. They are tiny nutritional powerhouses that are easily mixed in to foods like yogurt, smoothies, and baked goods. They contain omega-3’s, protein, and fiber, making whatever you’re eating them with a lot more filling and nutrient-rich. They’re popular on health and fitness blogs.*

Salba sent me tortilla chips, salsa, ground seeds, and whole seeds to try.

After researching this brand of chia seeds, I found that they are simply a purer form of chia seed – grown in controlled conditions, with more omega-3’s and protein than regular chia.

Now, let’s be honest – chia seeds are a bit of a luxury to begin with. I got a good deal on mine on Amazon. Salba chia is even more expensive than the regular kind, which I’d been using. It’s kind of like buying anything organic, grass-fed, etc. – you pay for a higher quality.

The tortilla chips were very good. A.J. and I both enjoyed them. They were more filling than regular tortilla chips, and just as tasty. The flavor of the salsa took some getting used to, but I did end up enjoying it.

Salba has a whole section of recipes on their site, but I decided to make pumpkin chia pudding with the seeds. I’ve had the recipe bookmarked for ages. I loved how easily the ground salba mixed in. After the seeds expanded in the pumpkin overnight in the fridge, it did have a pudding-like texture and I couldn’t even tell the seeds were there.

I think my favorite thing about chia seeds is the way they enhance simple snacks to make them more filling – the pumpkin pudding is a perfect example.

Now on to the fun part. Salba has offered to give away a comparable selection of items to one of my readers. All you have to do is leave a comment, and for an additional entry, like Salba Smart on Facebook and leave me another comment letting me know you’ve done so.

This giveaway is open until Sunday, May 20 at 11:59 pm.

*A few blog entries about chia:

• Ch-ch-ch-Chia! :: think {pretty} thoughts
• Why Eat Chia Seeds? :: Eating Bird Food
• The Wonders of Chia :: Heather Eats Almond Butter

I’m never going to say that being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest job there is – especially in our culture with all our conveniences and comforts. But it’s not one of the easiest, that’s for sure. Three of its most challenging aspects stick out to me:

1. It’s high stakes. You have the physical and emotional well-being of at least one little person in your hands for most of your waking hours.

2. It’s lonely. Not only is it such a huge responsibility, but you’re going it alone for a lot of the time. I feel lonely without having family nearby. I can only imagine how lonely it is for single moms or those whose husbands are deployed.

3. It’s open-ended repetition. The work is always there, staring you in the face – and it’s the same thing you’ve been doing day in and day out. And sometimes it seems like you work all. the. time and there’s nothing to show for it.

For me, these aspects of motherhood mean I have to take some down time if I can, just to give myself a chance to regroup, take a deep breath as it were, and get ready for the next go-round!

I’ve considered trying to drag myself out of bed earlier so I can have a more guaranteed time slot, but I’m not sure I have the commitment for that while I’m still up so much at night. For now I try to sync naps up and make the most of my alone time then (although I’m always distracted by everything I want to get done).

I also want to make a literal corner for myself. I don’t really have a space that’s just mine since Eliza still sleeps in our room, so my Bible, journals, and books meander all over the house.

What about you? Where do you find those survival corners of quietness for yourself?

Photo credit

(Our friend Oshea took these pictures for us with his awesome Canon. At least I think it’s a Canon. Either way, it’s a great camera.)

It’s already been a week since I said I was back from my break, so although naptime is so close to being over, I had to hop on and write a quick update.

I’ve been trying to scale back my expectations lately – and catch up on things at the same time. Miss E has been cutting teeth and keeping me up half the night, with a good night here and there. I have to learn I just can’t do everything in this season. But I am making an attempt to catch up on an immense amount of laundry.

This little one turned 6 months old last week! She’s a wobbly sitter, sleeps in her crib like a big girl, and is head over heels for her big brother. It’s so much fun to see them bond.

I love having a baby and I soak up every moment of that first year, but the older they get the more you can communicate with them, and I just love that so much. It’s so fun to connect, make her laugh, and watch how she settles down when we read Noodle Loves Bedtime every night before bed.

Speaking of communication, this one is talking! I love it (most of the time)! We have conversations throughout the day now and I actually feel less lonely at home now that I have a little someone to converse with. I love hearing what’s going through his mind, and piquing his imagination.

He’s also really developed his ability to pretend and play independently, which has been a breath of fresh air. Being able to wash dishes while he takes his Little People for a ride in their school bus and talks to himself is so different than doing it while he hangs on me waiting for me to entertain him.

I write imaginary blog posts all the time, but there just aren’t many spare moments anymore. And that’s okay – it’s a good thing. Happy Monday!

I guess not paying my bill on time meant I got a month-long blog break!

I lost 140 subscribers while I was gone… why, Feedburner, why? Has anyone else had this problem? Sometimes it’s just a reporting issue and all those people are still seeing updates. I sure hope that’s true.

Meanwhile, I’ve been pushing things further and further back on the counters…

Soaking up the baby-preciousness of this one…

And spending a lot of time outside enjoying the summer-like weather.

How are you?

“The doctrine of election is one thing, but to know that God has predestinated you, and to have the fruit of it in the good works to which you are ordained, is quite another thing. To talk about the love of Christ, to talk about the heaven that is provided for his people, and such things—all this is very well; but this may be done without any personal acquaintance with them. Therefore, beloved, never be satisfied with a sound creed, but desire to have it graven on the tablets of your heart. The doctrines of grace are good, but the grace of the doctrines is better still. See that you have it, and be not content with the idea that you are instructed until you so understand the doctrine that you have felt its spiritual power.”

- Charles Spurgeon (How to Read the Bible)

[image]

Guilt is not a bad thing, when it’s conviction. I want the Spirit to convict my heart of sin, so I can repent of it and seek Christ for forgiveness and help to obey.

So many times, I’ve read secular websites geared toward moms, and they’re quick to assure you not to feel guilty because you fail as a mom.

On the contrary, as a Christian mother I want to have high standards and ideals. I want to be hard on myself. I want to lay down my life, be the hands and feet of Jesus to my little ones, teach them, train them, play with them, read to them, invest in them selflessly and creatively and constantly.

That’s my ideal. And my calling as a child of God who also happens to be a mother. It’s nothing unusual for a Christian, just the way self-denial and servanthood should play out in my particular role.

But another kind of insidious “guilt” creeps in, masquerading as conviction. I think it can be a form of idolatry though.

You see, I start to think thoughts of fear. What if I become terminally ill? What if one of my children dies? What kind of regrets will I have? Will I regret doing the dishes instead of playing with them? Will I wish I hadn’t been so relieved when it was bedtime? Will I feel like I failed them as a mother?

These fears lead to a pervasive feeling of guilt following me through my days. I know my children are more important than my work. But common sense tells me that for a home to function, it’s necessary for me to do basic work like laundry and dishes, which means that I can’t give 100% of my attention to my children at all times.

Even though I spend tons of time with them, I have this constant fear that I’m not enjoying them enough or doing enough. That I’m not fun enough. I wish I could stop being so tired so I could enjoy them more. I feel guilty for counting down the hours till naptime.

I’ve been really trying to sort this out in my head and heart lately. What is the difference between serving Jesus by pouring out my life for my children, and a constant nagging worry that I’m not being enough?

I think it comes down to a) accepting my finitude, and b) not idolizing my children. Or to combine the two points, God has given me a finite amount of ability and energy, and a limited amount of time with my children, and He wants me to trust Him with that.

I am not perfect. I am not the source of light and life and salvation. I am not inherently righteous. I am not the way to God. I am not the Savior of the world. Jesus is all of those things. When I fail as a mother, He covers my sin with His grace. And in humility I must accept that I am a finite, fallen creature, with a limited time on this earth, and children who are finite as well. I must not seize onto each moment with trembling hands, afraid that it will be taken away if I don’t squeeze all the sweetness out of it.

I must open my hands. I know I must leave my sin and self behind to walk in life with Jesus my Savior. May I never tell myself that it’s okay to lower my standards as a mom. But may I not seek to hold onto my children as if they are mine to keep. May I lean on Christ for strength and grace, knowing that in myself I can never be what my children need in a mother.

Tomorrow I can live in joy with my children, not because I’m such a great mom, or because I perfectly cherish every moment, but because they are gifts from the Giver of all good things, and because He is my life.

I love Kari Jobe’s first album, so I’ve been waiting with anticipation for this one. I love it too. It’s been playing on repeat in the living room for the past couple days. Christian likes to “sing” along silently by mouthing imaginary words and staring into Eliza’s eyes.

I was disappointed in The Wedding Machine. I loved the last book I read by the same author (review here), but this one had some unnecessary “adult” content and was thick with irrelevant details. I finally got interested over halfway through. It was still well-written by most Christian fiction standards though. ***

I’ve read The Gospel and Personal Evangelism once before, but I felt like I needed a refresher. It coincided with a series our church has been doing on evangelism. It’s a simply written review of the basics of evangelism. It’s not gripping or very compelling, but it is helpful and of course, convicting. ****

We picked up this new favorite children’s book at the library yesterday. I love books that are engaging for Christian and fun for me to read. Tumble Me Tumbily is full of creative, lilting rhymes – “Yum tummy tickly pumpkin pumpernickly, / Whistling a noodle tune, / Making music with my spoon.” It’s a pleasure to read aloud.

I have a couple oatmeal recipes to share. I apologize in advance for my subpar photography, but recipe posts just aren’t complete without pictures.

Overnight Pumpkin Oats (my favorite breakfast!)

Would you believe me if I told you cold oatmeal is delicious? I was definitely skeptical. But it is!

1/2 cup old-fashioned oats
1/2 cup milk (I like using this)
1/2 cup pumpkin
1 Tbsp. flaxseed or chia seeds (optional)
Cinnamon to taste

Mix all ingredients together, cover with plastic wrap, and refrigerate overnight. In the morning, microwave for 30 seconds to take the chill off. Slice in a banana for sweetness. Best served with coffee.

Baked Oatmeal Snack Bars (based on this recipe)

I forgot to take a picture before wrapping the bars, but this gives you a general idea of how mine look. I love these because they’re sugar-free except for the natural fruit sugars. Christian loves them too, especially spread with peanut butter.

The original recipe calls for salt, but I did not like how that turned out. Here’s my version, which I really like. Warning: they’re good, but they do taste healthy. It’s not like eating cookies.

1 1/4 cups milk
1 egg
1 tsp. vanilla
1 1/2 cups old-fashioned oats
1 medium apple, chopped
Raisins and slivered almonds to taste
Cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, cloves to taste

Spray 8×8 baking pan with cooking spray. Mix wet ingredients in pan. Add oats, fruit, and spices. Mix again. Bake at 350 for 40 minutes. Slice when cooled.

I have a feeling I’ll be saying this every year, but it just doesn’t seem possible that my sweet baby is another year older.

He’s not much of a baby anymore, either (although sometimes he pretends to be).

He’s a bona fide toddler, and he’s turning into a little boy.

His second year has been filled with my pregnancy and the arrival of his baby sister, but I hope and pray he doesn’t feel replaced, just enriched by the added love (and craziness!) in our home.

He’s beginning to show more of a desire to please us – for example, sometimes he’ll actually bring us something we ask for, instead of throwing it across the room while whispering, “Ka!!”

I’m getting such a kick out of all the words and phrases he can say. We can almost have conversations now… okay, maybe we’re not quite there yet, but it’s right around the corner.

I can’t imagine my life without Christian. I’m so glad God gave him to us.

[Ironically, this post was cut short by the end of naptime... there's so much more I could've written!]