Ask Amy - the relationship expert, HintCafe.com

Insecure in relationship due to sexual issues

Sun, 25 Jul 2010 18:52:53 -0700

Q: I am seeing a woman that is going through a divorce (he is in the same house and knows) and has 2 children. I am 52 and she is 44. I have known her since she was 9 years old (brothers friend). We dated briefly when she was 25 and we parted. She found me again a year ago. I could tell in our first conversation that there was more and we fell madly in love almost immediately. We have been best friends since day one. I only get to see her two days a week mainly on Thursday and Saturday. We talk on the phone 4 - 5 times a day. We are very close and get along well. I feel that she is my soul mate and future wife. Her soon to be ex had erectile dysfunction for two years and she had asked for a divorce a year before this relationship started. I have never had a problem with sex until now. She has been critical when i didn't perform or have been tired. At times we don't seem to click or reach point of satisfaction together and am not sure why. I just have a problem with being insecure in this relationship and fight it. I have a good job, home and have always been secure. What do you think could be affecting us? What should i do to correct this insecurity?

Amy: Dear Bobby, It seems like quite a coincidence that your sexual issues and insecurities began (or are at least highlighted) in this relationship where she’s coming out of a marriage affected by sexual dysfunction. You see the connection, no?

Of course I don’t know for sure, but it might go something like this: She is hyper-sensitive to sexual issues given her recent past and her sensitivity makes her critical of your performance. You are also sensitive to sexual issues on some level just by virtue of knowing what she’s been dealing with. Your sensitivity, combined with her added pressure and both of you fearing that there might be a problem in this relationship, causes problems when they do occur. Your insecurities grow with each sub-par encounter, and it turns into a vicious cycle. So your question about correcting your insecurity is part of it, but its likely more complex than that.

If any of this resonates with you, I’d start by having a talk with her about the situation to get her take on it. Does she think that her issues with her husband might be affecting the way she reacts to you? Could the two of you work together to keep the situation with her husband and the situation with you separate? How could you respond in a way that would make her feel more confident and secure, and vice versa?

This conversation would be a huge step in the right direction and very often all it takes to make an enormous difference. Because the pressure and fear of things going wrong in bed is what actually contributes to things going wrong, getting the issues voiced and out in the open relieves a ton of pressure. Good luck.

Can't break up with a persuasive guy, keep going back

Sun, 25 Jul 2010 18:48:42 -0700

Q: Hi Amy, I am in relationship with a guy for last 3 yrs. I really want to break up as I feel smothered in this relationship, but have past unsuccessful attempts. the maximum time period was 2 mn and I again go back to him. Its a long distance relationship. I keep telling him repeatedly that I am never going to marry him but I am not able to date any one till I am in talking terms with him. He is a very persuasive guy. everyone around me just says that its I who have to be strong to break up this relationship else I will ruin my life. I feel that I need some support and constant encouragement to do this. Is there any help available in terms of support when you go through the loneliness period and prevent me from falling back to him. - Purnima

Amy: Dear Purnima, When someone tells me they feel smothered in a relationship yet they keep going back time and time again, there’s a lot more going on than can be addressed in a few paragraphs. The ultimate question is: What’s so bad about being alone? If you’d rather be with someone who smoothers you than be without him, you obviously have some issues with being alone.

I want you to look very carefully at the thoughts that come up during that “loneliness period” that makes you go back to the relationship. Loneliness is the emotion, but what are the actual thoughts? What are you telling yourself during this time? You are telling yourself something that makes you want to go back to him, something that makes your feeling of loneliness feel much worse than being in a bad relationship. Your first step to changing things is to identify those thoughts so that you know why you keep going back.

Once you understand what it is that scares you so much about being alone, you can deal with it. I recommend you talk to a friend or a coach or therapist about those fears if they feel too overwhelming to handle on your own. The most important thing to keep in mind is that those fears are most likely not true.

If you need support in the time right after you break up, try to find it in a friend or family member who will agree to be there for you. Tell that person up front that you keep falling into this pattern and you’d like them to remind you that you don’t want to be with this guy, even when you get lonely and feel like you want to go back. You might also write yourself a letter that you can read during that period. Write the letter now, during a time when you are confident that you don’t want to be with him so that in your lonely period you can read it to remind yourself of the bigger picture.

Dating while living at parents place

Sun, 25 Jul 2010 18:45:39 -0700

Q: So I'm 25 and never dated, problem is I thought by now I would have my own place but life didnt work out, big problem is I feel I can never bring a girl to my house to meet my parents, my mom is into religion real bad and tries to force it on everyone and my stepdad is sort of the same way he bitches about everything and just doesnt stop then goes to church and pretends to be good, I'm not religious at all And cant stand living here but dont make enough to live on my own or with friends my job has cut hours so bad I'm working 12-15 hours a week been trying to find anything but no ones hiring where I live or so it seems, i was always waiting until I had my own place to date but doesnt seem like its going to happen even my friends have told me not to bring a girl over to my house, i have to actually go visit them because my parents get on there nerves, talking with my parents isnt an option anyone have any ideas how to fix this situation or do I have to wait until I get a job and get out of here? - Jon

Amy:Dear Jon, I understand your living situation, but what does it have to do with dating? You don’t have to bring girls back to your parent’s house if you aren’t comfortable with it. In fact, from the way you describe it I agree that you probably shouldn’t bring them there. But why would that prevent you from dating altogether? You can still take a girl out to dinner, to the movies, to her place…There are an infinite number of possible places to go and literally one place that you can’t go. I don’t see the problem.

I think you're using your living situation as an excuse to not date. Often when people wait for the circumstances to be perfect before they act, they’re really just avoiding action. I don’t see any reason at all that you can’t begin to date and just not take girls to your home. If you find a girl you really like and you go out with her several times and she asks about your living situation, tell her. You have to be honest about your family at some point whether you live with your parents or not. But that’s about five steps down the line and not something you need to worry about today, if ever.

Stop waiting for the all the stars to align and for everything to be perfect, or you’ll find yourself waiting forever. You need to start dating and take it one date at a time. There’s no reason to rush ahead into, “what happens after a month when she wants to see where I live?” Just start at the beginning and ask a girl out first, before you jump into imaginary future outcomes. They are likely not as scary as you imagine.

How much neglect is ok in a relationship, where to draw the line

Mon, 05 Jul 2010 20:59:04 -0700

Q: I have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 months. I know he really cares about me and vice versa. He has just started studying for the bar exam and he is also taking classes. He also found out last year in December that his father has terminal cancer. He is an only child and I know he is going through a lot. I want to be supportive and I see a future with him. but I need to know what to expect from him. In regards to affection, attention, phone calls etc. I know I have to not take things personal but how much "neglect" is ok? like where do I draw the line? Also how can I make things easier? Should I just back off? like if I don't hear from him all day, should I call him? or should I just let him be? I don't want to push him away but is it wrong to also think about myself and what I need? - Arpi

Amy: Dear Arpi, It’s not wrong to think about your own needs and this is the perfect opportunity to evaluate them. Take a good look at what you want and what you’re willing to compromise for this relationship.

As far as what he’s going through, I wouldn’t expect much from him or from the relationship right now. I think the best thing you can do is to be there for him and approach this as if it’s an opportunity for you to help. If you feel comfortable with it, make this relationship about serving him and helping him through this time. It’s okay if that doesn’t sound like something you’re up for. That’s totally understandable, especially considering that it’s only a few months into your relationship. But if you are up for it, constantly ask yourself how you can best support him. Many times that’s going to mean asking him that question and doing what he says even if that’s giving him space or setting aside your own needs for his. Remember that this is temporary and things will even out if you’re together long term.

My hunch is that you may not be in a place to give up your own needs for him at this time. That’s not a bad thing and it doesn’t mean anything negative about you. It could just be that it’s only been 4 months and you aren’t sure about this yet. That’s totally okay. If you aren’t up for it, be honest about that with yourself and with him. He will understand. If you really feel that his issues being priority right now isn’t what you want, it’s okay to admit that to yourself and take a step back from the relationship.

I can’t answer your questions about when it’s time to call and when it’s time to give him space. Those things depend on him and his preferences, so you need to ask him those questions. Just ask—he’ll likely tell you exactly how you can best help him. Make sure to listen with an open mind and remember that it’s not about you. He’s dealing with major life issues and he deserves to do that drama-free. If you fear that you may start to resent him for neglecting your needs, talk to him about that upfront. And if, despite open communication, you begin to feel neglected or like your needs aren’t being met, take a break from the relationship and let him go through his stuff without you. His life will settle down and you can try your relationship again at that time.

We dated before, found each other again and ...

Mon, 05 Jul 2010 20:54:57 -0700

Q: My girlfriend in college and I dated for 2 years before breaking up, we recently found each other again and were together for 1 year before she ended it saying I don't spend enough time with her and that she needs to travel and find herself. I am currently in medical school and before we reunited I tried to explain how difficult it would be to have a relationship due to my time constraints. She said she understood at the time and was always there for me, but over the course of the year she felt more and more used as our relationship had to live around my schedule. She resented me always putting school before her and I resented her not understanding my commitment. Well 2 months ago she ended it saying perhaps we can meet up again in the future as we did this last time. She is planning on traveling west with a friend of hers and will perhaps try to find a place to live out there. I am beside myself now with guilt for having let this relationship fail a 2nd time. I truly love her and I feel she loves me, there just seemed to be too many forces pulling us apart. I am nearing the end of school now, things have died down and I have free-time, all I can think is I wish she was here. She leaves soon for her trip and I don't want to lose her, but I know this is important to her. How should I proceed? Should I just trust in fate to reunite us? Next year I match for residency and I wanted her to come with me, but she says too little too late last we talked. Please help. - Will

Amy: Dear Will, Yes, I think you should definitely trust in fate to reunite you as it did in the past because it’s a no-lose solution. When you believe that things will work out for the best without your needing to control the details, you win. No matter what happens. You win because you give yourself permission to not worry. When you aren’t worried, you not only feel good in the moment but you free your mind to see other possibilities and creative solutions that you just don’t see when you are consumed by anxiety. So, trusting that everything will work out if it’s meant to—and reminding yourself that it happened in the past—are excellent things to do.

Trusting in the Universe doesn’t necessarily mean giving up all action. You can have complete faith that things will work out and still take action when it seems appropriate. In this situation, it sounds like the ball is in her court. I would suggest telling her exactly how you feel without any agenda or hopes of changing her mind. As much as you want her back, I’m sure you’d agree that the most important thing is that she’s happy. If she decided to give your relationship another chance but wasn’t totally on board with her decision, neither of you would win. The choice to try again has come from her and it has to be what she really wants.

Tell her how you feel and that you’re afraid that you may have lost her forever. Let her know that you are there when she’s ready to talk and that you’d be thrilled if she decided that she wants to try again, but that you want her to do what feels right to her. And then really set her free to do what she needs to do. If that means traveling or even living somewhere else for a while, trust that she’s doing what she needs to do in order to ultimately do what’s best for both of you. You can use any time apart to your advantage as well, getting reacquainted with yourself and your desires after the grueling years of medical school. Get back in touch with what you enjoy, renew friendships and build new ones, and focus on having fun for a while. If she felt as though school came first in your life, it probably did. Put fun and play first for a while and see how things turn around in your life.

Often, the circumstance that’s causing your relationship stress might just be a trigger for deeper issues. You say that she resented you for putting school first and you resented her for not understanding. Know that if you were to get back together, even though the external circumstances may have changed, your resentment issues might come up over some other circumstance. They may not—but it’s something to think about and possibly discuss if you do end up giving it another shot.

Good luck. I know it’s hard to be the one waiting. The more freedom you give her to do what she needs to do, the better your chances of reconciliation.

Like this girl who lives next door, but she is traveling soon

Mon, 05 Jul 2010 20:52:09 -0700

Q: I like this girl who lives next door. Till a week back we just exchanged greetings. Last week she baked some rolls and she offered me one. So I took the opportunity and asked her out. She agreed but unfortunately she was leaving town on vacation next day. So we decided to get dinner when she got back. But when she gets back I will be traveling. I told her that and we decided to meet up after I return. At that time, my trip wasn't finalized so I couldn't tell her when I will be returning. Now that my trip is finalized, I return around 3 weeks after she returns from her trip.

Her bike is parked in her balcony. Should I write her a note saying that I will be back mid-June and that we can get dinner when I get back and leave it in the basket on her bike or would that be weird? She shouldn't think I'm a stalker or something or get the wrong message. Or should I just wait till I get back 3 weeks later and talk to her about getting dinner? Would waiting be too late? She shouldn't think that I've left the neighborhood if she doesn't see me around for 3 weeks. - AB

Amy: Dear AB, I don’t think you should wait until you get back. If you were returning a few days or even a week after her I’d probably suggest you wait, but 3 weeks is an eternity when you’re talking about going out for the first time.

You could put a note in her bike basket as long as her bike is easily accessible to you. If you need to climb over bushes or scale the side of a building to get to it, that’s going to look a little stalker-ish. So basically, if anyone can access her balcony and her bike, go for it. But if you’d be infringing on her privacy by getting close enough to leave a note in the basket, don’t do it. In that case, slip the note under her door.

She is out of my league, but I have a huge crush on her

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 17:56:59 -0700

Q: Dr. Amy, I have this friend from UMass that just graduated. She is a co-worker. We both worked in the same lab, but now she's going to UMass Med for grad school an hour away and I will still be a senior. She'll be working in the lab at UMass for the summer before she starts a rotation at UMass med in the fall. I have an internship in the Boston area ~2hrs away. She's out of my league, but is a really nice person, beautiful and i have a huge crush on her. I already know a lot about her because she is very flirtatious, but I couldn't tell if she was just doing that with me or if she's normally like that because I've never seen her outside of work. We don't have the same group of friends but we started hanging out a little more at work towards the end of the year. She's having a graduation party soon, so i was going to ask her out to dinner but I can't tell if she's into me. What would you suggest I do? - Chris

Amy: Dear Chris, You have to do what feels best to you, but I would definitely recommend taking a chance and just asking her out. What do you really have to lose? Think about how you will feel if you ask her out and she says yes. Pretty great, huh? Now think about how you will feel if you let this opportunity pass and think back on it 6 months or a year later. Wouldn’t you wonder “what if”?

Now think about how you’ll feel if you ask her out to dinner and she says no. This image is what’s holding you back, but I guarantee that you’re adding in lots of unlikely detail and unnecessary “story”. If she were to turn down your dinner offer what would you make that mean? Try to separate the actual event (the two of you don’t go to dinner) from the story and meaning you’re attaching to it. For example, your story might be about the way she turns you down. If you imagine it being humiliating, question that. She’s obviously a kind and considerate person and you are her friend, so she’s not going to be cruel. Or maybe you think that if she turns you down it means that you could never get a girl like her or that she is out of your league, when it actually doesn’t mean that at all. All it means is that she doesn’t want to go to dinner. Whatever it is that makes asking her out seem scary, look at those things are question them. They are most likely not true at all and very unlikely anyway.

At any rate, if things don’t go the way you want you can rest assured knowing that you won’t be near her for the next year. And if things do go the way you want, well, that seems worth the risk to me. Good luck!

Decreased sex life since we moved in together

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 18:42:59 -0700

Q: My boyfriend and I moved to a new city 9 months ago for graduate school. This is our first time living together or with a significant other in general. We have been together for almost two years, he is 23 and I am 25. I have made friends through school and work, he has not. That being said it has been hard to adjust to our new life together and our sex life has taken a turn for the worst. We haven't completely stopped doing it, but for the past 5 or 6 months we have been intimate only once a month! After we moved here things slowly started to decrease in frequency in the bedroom. Our relationship remains awesome otherwise- we get along great and love each other! I want to think that we are both just stressed and adjusting to a new city and a new life but once a month? I have gone through all possibilities in my head - Is he cheating? has he found someone else? Is he bored with me? We have talked about it numerous times, and every time he says that he is insecure- which does not make sense to me. Why all of a sudden is he insecure? I want to believe him but I am stuck on the thought that it is something else. Perhaps he is not getting enough physical activity, perhaps he is depressed or we are drinking too much? I have no idea and I am frustrated and hurt! If he is insecure then what can I do besides be patient and supportive? And at what point do I say enough is enough. What can I do? What can we do? And why is this happening?

Amy: Dear Anonymous, I can’t tell you why this is happening but I do know that moving in together is probably the biggest change that can occur in a relationship, aside from having a child. It can be a major source of stress, even when you both really want it to happen and even if you were spending almost all of your time together before. So, the fact that things got a little out of whack around the time you moved in together, or even in the months leading up to the move, isn’t surprising. That those changes manifest in your sex life isn’t shocking either. Even if you never had problems in that area before, it’s often one of the first things to suffer when things get stressful.

If you haven’t already, I would talk to your boyfriend in detail about his insecurities. You question why he is insecure all of a sudden, but he’s the only person who can answer that question. You mention many potential reasons just in your question (e.g., you’ve made friends and he hasn’t, he has recently started graduate school). Talk to him about his insecurity and be compassionate for whatever he’s going through. I know it doesn’t seem like his being insecure as a graduate student would impact your sex life, but it definitely can. In other words, his insecurity—or whatever he is going through—doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with your or anything to do with sex or even with your relationship per se. Regardless of what his stress is about, it can affect your sex life.

You might also examine your role in the situation. It’s easy to think that since you want to have sex more than once a month and you’re not, he must be the problem. But maybe he sees things differently. For example, you may have stopped initiating sex due to your fear of rejection and not even noticed. Your sexual relationship is a two-way street, so even if you think the issue has more to do with him, you may be surprised to learn that he thinks that you are part of the problem too. Open communication is the only way to get to the bottom of it.

So the answer is straightforward, and also not so straightforward. The only way to get the answers and insight that you want is to work on your communication with him about what’s going on. From there, you’ll have to feel your way forward. Learn as much as you can about what he thinks is the source of your issues and about his insecurities. Listen with an open mind with kindness and compassion, trying not to take things personally. Take it slowly and work on things with patience and optimism. If you’re both committed to making it work, you will.

Struggling to find work which caused stress and she moved out

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 22:22:39 -0700

Q: Me and my recent ex had been together for the past two and a half years and have lived together the whole time. With the economy down I have been struggling to find work while she was struggling to find hours at her job and recently took a second job. I know that my lack of work was making her resentful towards me but we were always open and honest about it and discussed ways I could find work.

Outside of that our relationship was almost perfect. We were very close and affectionate and she is my best friend. About two weeks ago she gave me an ultimatum, Get a job in two weeks or I am leaving you. I tried as I always did and she never left. Then two weeks ago I caught her kissing another guy we met together 1 week earlier with the intent to go much farther. He left we talked and it looked as though we might be able to salvage things as I try to be open and understanding. But then two days later I found out that they were still talking. She denied it but I showed her the text she forgot to delete to him and she admitted it. She moved out later that day. She was crying and saying she was confused and didn't want to throw away what we had but needed space.

She wrote me and swears that she is still in love with me and despite how it looks she did not leave me for him and that they talk but only as friends. Just weeks prior we were talking of marriage and agreeing that is what we both want. I have broken most contact with her to respect her space request. Any advice I miss her. - Gerry

Amy: Dear Gerry, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing right now by honoring her need for space. Even though she says she made a mistake, if she wants to get back together right away it’s likely out of fear of losing you completely. It’s clear from her actions that she does in fact need some time away from the relationship. The time apart can benefit both of you. You’re likely in shock over what has gone down so suddenly, so taking some time to process that for yourself is a good idea.

So, the first step is simple—take some time off. That means there’s essentially nothing to do right now but to take it day to day. You may still talk from time to time to begin the process of working through some of your issues, but you’re not together as a couple and you’ll probably spend much more time apart than together for a while.

When the time is right you can start to rebuild. The most important thing is that you are both honest about the relationship. For her, that means really looking at what it was about you being out of work that bothered her so much and what benefits she got from temporarily being with someone else. I don’t know your job situation, but it sounds like she thought you weren’t trying hard enough if she got to the point of giving you an ultimatum. If there’s any truth in that, be honest with yourself and with her about it.

It’s going to take some time and some work, but things can get back on track. Just don’t rush things. Take it one day at a time for a while and feel your way toward a better place together.

Dating a guy who is a health nut and wants me to take diet pills

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 22:09:08 -0700

Q: I am 22 and just got out of a horrible 4 year relationship and am trying to start over. I have been dating this 20 year old guy for about a week now, he's in the army and most of the week he's been away in the field so we haven't been able to talk. We met on an online dating site and he told me in the beginning he had a couple of other sites open but he would shut them down if I wanted. I told him I didn't want to sound controlling but he knew I wanted him to and he said he would. Well the entire time he's been away I've had this horrible gut feeling that I am not the only girl he's talking to/seeing. Could this just be my insecurity because we met online or am I just not ready for another relationship yet? Also, he is a big health nut, I guess it comes from being in the army, so he's pushing the idea of taking diet pills on me. I am not fat and I don't want to take any diet pills, but I have agreed to work out with him because I would like to get into shape, but whenever he brings up diet pills it lowers my self esteem a lot. How should I approach him about if he's seeing other girls and the diet thing without sounding like I am nagging or jealous? We've only been together about a week. Everything else about him is perfect so I would hate to already have problems. - Tana

Amy: Dear Tana, I think you need to slow down and get to know this person before you make him your boyfriend. You wonder why you’re suspicious of him talking to other girls. It’s because you don’t know him. How could you after a week? Your suspicion is not your body telling you that you aren’t ready for a relationship (although I’d investigate that, because it sounds like you want to be in a relationship with him a little too quickly), and it has nothing to do with how you met. It’s because he's virtually still a stranger at this point so of course you’re going to wonder about his character.

Speaking of character…what kind of guy tries to get a girl he just met to take diet pills, and why would you want to be with such a person? I don’t like him. I’m just sayin’…

You say that everything about him is perfect, well, that’s because everyone is perfect in the first seven days. I would tell him that he can continue to do what he wants on the other sites for a while and you talk to whomever you’d like, until the two of you get to know each other much better. I think a good rule of thumb is a month. Form a friendship or have a casual dating relationship for a month and then see where you both stand. There’s a great chance that when you get to know him you’ll find that you don’t like him anyhow. And please don’t take the diet pills.