Hils Blog {finding joy}

Twenty-seven.

2013-05-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

My poor mom thought she was getting a sweet, beautiful baby girl when she had me.
She didn't realize she would instead soon have a life size troll doll on her hands. ;)

Well it's official. Today I am one year older than I was a year ago. The big TWO SEVEN. I have learned a lot in my short time here on this Earth (like how to down a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough in no time flat), but one thing I have yet to even begin to grasp is the concept of time. How is it that during different experiences it seems to craaaawl and others it goes by way too fast? Why is it that it seems like just yesterday I graduated from high school and yet when I was in school it seemed as though that day would never come? Same goes for my oldest child starting kindergarten this fall when it seemed as though he would never grow out of the colicky phase as a newborn.

I may not ever learn how time works, but one thing I have learned (this past year especially) is that life and it's experiences are precious. Every. Single. One. The good, the bad, the happy, the tragic, the beautiful and the ugly. They all stick and mesh together to create each of our individual lives. The combination of all the experiences we have ever been through create a life that is so unique and different from anyone else's and makes us who we are. I have had some crappy things (and a few tragic things) happen to me in my lifetime. Things that when I was going through them I would have gladly given up for something better or easier. We all have. But as I look back on those experiences now, there isn't one thing I would change if given the opportunity. Those experiences (and how I reacted to them and grew from them) made me who I am today. For the better or for the worse. Hopefully for the better. :)

I can't help but recognize my Heavenly Father's hand in all things. I know he has a plan for me and for each one of us. That knowledge has allowed me to get through some pretty tough times in my life and allowed me to appreciate the good times even more. Hind sight is always 20/20 and that has proven to be true for me. I can't help but look back and think "DUH! That's why that had to happen!" on so many different occasions. My hope is to remember that when going through a tough time. To know that whatever trial or experience I am going through at that particular time will only continue to mold me and help me become the woman I am supposed to be.

So here's to twenty seven years and the knowledge that comes along with it. I feel like I have only reached the tip of the ice burg and can't wait for the many life experiences I have ahead. I can't describe just how happy I am and how much I love my life. Life at 27 is good.

p.s. I know you are thinking you wish you knew what to do for my birthday. Have no fear, I have just the thing! ;) Feel free to donate to our 5k we are running in honor of Michael tomorrow. Today is your last chance to contribute!

p.p.s. my sweet friend Marta posted a favorite recipe of mine in honor of my birthday on her blog today. I love just love her!

Spring in My Step

2013-04-30T11:48:00.002-07:00

Little Guy, me and Tiny Man out for a jog.

There is something about this time of year that I just love. I think it may have a lot to do with being able to finally say goodbye to those looooong winter months. Our days are filled with trips to the park, sunscreen, bike riding and sidewalk chalk. Our evenings are full of digging in the dirt and prepping our garden for this years crop. We were able to enjoy blossoms from our bushes and trees that we planted last spring which was such a fun surprise. There is something about seeing a tiny little bush grow and flourish where you planted it with your own two hands.

This time of year also brings with it the Running With Angels 5k at Thanksgiving Point here in Utah. It was this time last year when my love/hate relationship with running really started. I knew I had to run in this race for Michael, but I also knew that I couldn't run a mile without getting winded. Heck, I couldn't even run down my driveway to catch my child who was trying to escape without getting winded! Thus the training began. I started running every day and planned my long runs every Saturday. I worked hard and accomplished my goal of finishing under thirty minutes (which was a miracle) the day of the race. It was the most incredible experience, you can read all about it here.

I am excited about the race this year because I will be four months pregnant. It is sure to add a new element to the whole experience. I have been doing my best to train these past few weeks (having taken a few months break due to morning sickness) but boy am I SLOW! My pregnant body just doesn't move as fast as my non-pregnant one. I wouldn't miss this race for the world though, even if it means I have to walk it!

This particular 5k raises money for a program called Angel Watch which helps provide information, support and comfort to parents whose babies have life-threatening or life-limiting conditions. We have started a team again this year to help raise money for this wonderful program. Our team is called "Michael's Big Heart" in honor of our son. I'm not one to ask for people's money as I know in my life every cent is valuable! However, if you feel so inclined to donate in honor of Michael as well as so many other angel babies we would love it. I know the Angel Watch program will put your money to good use helping so many parents who find themselves in a similar situation we found ourselves in over 3 years ago.

Here's to spring and blossoms and running with a big ol' round belly. Bring on the sun baby!

General Conference Weekend

2013-04-06T16:15:00.001-07:00

(image source)

Whoa, hey! I am still alive! Just wanted to pop in and let you know what have been and will continue to be up to all weekend. It is our church's general conference and it has been AMAZING as usual. I encourage you to check it out, even if it's just for a talk or two, especially if you never have before. The messages that are given are for everyone and are guaranteed to enhance and enrich your life. The thing I love most about conference is that there is always that one talk or two that I feel was written specifically for me and the struggles I am going through at that moment. I am able to find peace and comfort and feel renewed and strengthened by the words and counsel that are given.

If you have any questions at all after watching, please don't hesitate to shoot me a comment or an email!

You can watch conference for free by going HERE.

Enjoy! :)

p.s. conference is best enjoyed with your favorite treat in hand. our treat of choice today were donuts from our favorite local bakery. I may just have to give Marta's conference trail mix a try for tomorrow's sessions!

On raising boys.

2013-02-28T22:21:00.005-08:00

Had someone told me when I was a little girl that I would have two boys when I was all grown up and a mommy, I probably would have cried. Everyone knows baby dolls are girls (except for the crazy looking cabbage patch boy dolls that no one ever wanted to play with) and therefore baby girls were all I knew! I knew how to match their dress with their shoes and their shirts with their bows. Every play house accessory we owned was either purple with some sort of floral design or pink with hearts. It was evident to my little 4 year old self that mommies had girls and that was that.

I love looking back at such innocent and naive days and can't help but chuckle a little. Now with two little blue eyed boys of my own I have learned just how much satisfaction and enjoyment can come from having them in my life.

Things I have learned about little boys:

:: they LOVE to be active. it starts out with a love of the park when they are younger and grows into bike riding, karate chopping and super hero fighting.

:: they are prone to be super addicted to technology. this is probably true with all kids, but we have had a constant battle with iPad use, video games and just plain ol' tv watching!

:: they are your little buddies. they love their mommies and have a tendency to be mamma's boys. they have such a capacity to love and show that love.

:: cars, trucks, trains, helicopters, dinosaurs, super heroes, Legos, robots, electronics, volcanoes, Star Wars, Batman, sports and bugs are all really cool.

:: they love to get dirty and find opportunities to do so every chance they get. they also like to "look sharp" (as my 5 year old says) every now and then.

:: wrestling matches with daddy make any bad day turn good.

:: wrestling matches with brothers will always end with someone in tears.

:: they are creative and imaginative and can turn any ordinary situation into an adventure in space or the jungle.

:: they love to be recognized for things they have done and gobble up any attention given to them.

:: they think potty words are hilarious.

:: they can be every bit as emotional as girls!

:: they don't have the same "friend drama" as girls. I've noticed this with some of Little Guys "girl" friends. they start young with the excluding folks. boys are more concerned about who gets to play with the light saber first.

:: they are observant (not to be confused with focused..) and mechanically minded. from a very young age they love to watch things and figure out how they work. i.e. tractors and garbage trucks

:: they are hilarious. there hasn't been a day that has gone by when my two boys haven't made me laugh.

Last of all I've learned that little boys are ready and eager to learn. I'm planning on being that main source for learning (along with the hubs of course) in hopes that these boys of mine learn to be good, hard-working, virtuous and respectful boys. It will be a difficult feat in this world today that teaches immorality as the norm, laziness and entitlement as a way of life and disrespect at every corner. Difficult? Yes. Impossible? No!

Boys are the best and if I were to say anything to that 4 year old "mommy" I would tell her "Mommies do have girls but they also have boys and they are every bit as wonderful (if not even more so ;) )."

Reese's Chocolate Cookie Dough Truffles

2013-02-14T20:15:00.001-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day! It's the day of love and I love making treats. (If you couldn't tell already by the nature of all the recipes on this blog. I'm pretty sure almost each one of them is some type of baked good or dessert!) I wanted to make something fun and somewhat special for Valentine's day and went scouring through my cook books. I found the winner in my favorite goodie book "The Cookie Dough Lover's Cookbook" that I got from my dear friend Marta. (She knows me all too well!) I love this book and find myself looking at it quite often because of the yummy treats and gorgeous pictures it contains. This time I landed on an "Inside Out Cookie Dough Truffle" and knew I had to make it.

As I searched my pantry for all the ingredients, my heart sunk as I realized I didn't have them all. I didn't want to have to pack both of my boys up and drive to the store just to get those specific items. So, I made due with what I had and altered the recipe a bit. They surprisingly turned out REALLY good and pretty darn cute. Below is the recipe I altered and highly recommend you making them some time soon. I plan on making the original recipe once I have everything on hand. :)

Reese's Chocolate Cookie Dough Truffles

adapted from The Cookie Dough Lover's Cookbook

Ingredients:

1 stick (1/2 cup) unsalted butter, room temperature
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/3 cup light brown sugar
2 tablespoons milk or cream
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/3 cup cocoa powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup chopped Reeses baking chips
8 oz almond bark (vanilla candy coating)

Instructions:

In a large bowl, beat butter and sugars until light and fluffy. Mix in milk and vanilla. Stir in flour, cocoa powder, and salt and mix on low speed until incorporated. Stir in Reese's baking chips. Cover and chill dough for 30 minutes or until firm enough to handle.

Form dough into 1-inch balls and arrange on baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Place sheet in freezer and chill for at least 15 minutes. Melt candy coating in a double boiler or microwave according to package directions, being careful not to overheat it. Using a fork or dipping tool (I used my fondu fork), dip truffles one at a time in candy coating to cover. Tap fork on side of the bowl to remove excess coating, and return truffles to baking sheets until set. With the left over coating, add food coloring of your choice (optional) and transfer into a piping bag fitted with a small round tip (or a plastic bag with a tiny hole cut in one of the corners) and pipe decorative lines over top of truffles.

Refidgerate in an airtight container, truffles will keep for up to 1 week.

p.s. Finding it funny that I posted a super unhealthy treat in the same week that I talked about being heart healthy and running? Me too. But that's just how I roll. ;)

A Heart Healthy Running Mix

2013-02-12T13:41:00.000-08:00

Here's a little tid bit for ya'll: February is National Heart Month! Fitting isn't it? Seeing how it is also the month that holds Valentine's day.

Both sides of my family (mom's mom and dad's dad) have had heart health issues and as a result I have always been somewhat paranoid about the health of my own heart. The desire to finally do something and be proactive with my heart health started when I lost my baby due to a very serious heart defect called Ebstein's Anomaly. During that time, amid all of the doctor's visits and echocardiograms, I learned more about the heart than I ever did in all my years of biology classes at school (no duh). It opened my eyes to what a miracle life is and made me never want to take my heart for granted again. It wasn't until last year that I really started to do something about it by signing up for my first 5k, knowing it would get me moving.

Since that 5k last May I have been running every other day and sometimes every day (minus a several week break I took this winter when I was just in a complete funk). It's hard for me, I won't lie. I'm a terrible runner. I have one leg that is slightly shorter than the other, which creates a very comical and somewhat uncomfortable looking run. It also is cause for a very sore back after each run. My heating pad is my best friend at night. Aside from the physical hurdles, my main problem deals with the fact that I'm not good with the mind game that comes along with running. It's hard for my brain to tell me, "You can do it!" when my body is screaming at me "You're going to kill over if you take one more step!".

One thing that helps me out is music. I realize every runner has their own opinion about this. I have a friend who runs to nothing but classical music, and another who runs to books on tape. My husband doesn't like to listen to anything but his feet on the pavement and the birds in the sky. It's all personal preference, but if you are like me and need that one song to keep you moving this mix is for you. There have been many times when I feel like giving up but then one of my favorite songs comes on and I tell myself that I can run until the end of that song. I've compiled a few of my favorites that I love to run to. They are all clean of any swear words (since that's just my style) so get your heart pumping and enjoy!

Heart Healthy Running Mix by H C on Grooveshark
Heart Healthy Running Mix
1. On Top of the World by Imagine Dragons
2. Bulletproof by Family Force 5
3. Dancing On My Own by Robyn
4. Too Close by Alex Clare
5. Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) by Kelly Clarkson
6. Carried Away by Passion Pit
7. Tip Toes by Jayme Dee
8. Feel Again by One Republic
9. My Body by Young the Giant
10. Let it Roll by Flo Rida
11. 22 by Taylor Swift
12. Brokenhearted by Karmin
13. Kings and Queens by 30 Seconds to Mars
14. Lonely Boy by The Black Keys
15. Sail by AWOLNATION
16. Big and Chunky by will.i.am

It's February, I'm in love.

2013-02-05T21:21:00.001-08:00

January was a doozy. Hence the lack of blog posts on this here blog. My boys were sick THE ENTIRE MONTH (or so it seemed). They just kept getting one sickness after the other! Needless to say, I am welcoming February with open arms and can't wait for the promise of spring. Since February is the month of love, here are a few things I'm loving lately:

Nap time. It hasn't happened as frequently as it used to, so the days this little one does nap the hallelujah chorus plays in my head. p.s. I also love how he always sleeps with his hands behind his head... he's done it ever since he was a baby!

This kid's creativity. He created this robot all on his own while his brother and I napped one day. He comes up with a new idea/craft/etc. every day and it blows my mind how big he is getting.

The hot chocolate bar at 7-11. On a side note, one thing I do NOT love is having to walk out of inappropriate movies. The hubs and I had to walk out of one 1/3 of the way in and went for a hot cocoa run instead.

Stupid Hollywood.

Dog-earing pretty magazines. Pinterest is great and all, but nothing beats sitting on the couch with a stack of magazines to peruse. It's the real deal.

My full body sweatsuit. Thanks to my mom I have stayed warm even in the -6 degree temps this January has pulled out. It's my favorite thing to wear and I'm always looking for excuses to slip into it.

Snow days with my kiddos. We had an insane snow fall this last week which made it so I had to shovel 2 to 3 times a day. The boys loved having mommy outside to play with, and I loved it just as much. It was so beautiful!

The temple. My YW group just got back from a temple trip where we visited two temples up north. Our goal is to attend every temple in the state of Utah by the end of this year and we're all pretty excited about it! I have yet to find another place on this earth that feels as peaceful and provides as much comfort as this place. (Read more about our temples here.)

Snuggling brothers. These two are the best and worst of friends lately. I cherish the times when they actually do get along and snuggle each other.

Thank you February for saving us from January. I can already tell it's going to be a great month bringing much more to love!

Fabulous French Bread (a family favorite!)

2013-01-07T14:24:00.001-08:00

My mom first taught me how to make french bread when I was in high school. She had made it one time when a bunch of my friends were over, and it quickly became the most requested after school snack item when they were at our house. It was delicious warm and fresh out of the oven with my mom's homemade strawberry jam. I love that time I was able to spend with my mom in the kitchen during that high school age. She has always been one of my best friends and high school was no exception. I'm so glad she taught me to make this recipe as it is now a family favorite in my own home.

Ever since I graduated and moved away from home, I have had to call my mom and ask her for this recipe. It is no where to be found via the internets and it seriously is the best tasting french bread out there. The other day I was taking dinner to a family in our neighborhood and once again found myself calling my mom for the recipe. I told her that I just needed to get the cookbook. She told me it might be hard as she has tried looking before and doesn't think it's in print anymore. I thanked her for the recipe, once again, and promised not to lose it this time.

To my surprise, two days later a copy of that very cookbook was on my doorstep. I don't know how she swung it, but she was somehow able to find a used copy in perfect condition for dirt cheap. It was seriously the best surprise and I have been tagging pages ever since. I also made us some french bread the other day. My boys loved it!

Fabulous French Bread
from the Jr. League of Salt Lake City's Heritage Cookbook

INGREDIENTS:

2 packages dry yeast
1/2 cup warm water
2 cups hot water
3 tablespoons sugar
1 tablespoon salt
5 tablespoons shortening, melted, or vegetable oil
6 cups flour, unsifted
1 egg white
Sesame seeds (optional)

DIRECTIONS:

A note from Hil: My mom taught me this recipe using her kitchenaid, I now use mine. I made it without a kitchenaid once in college and it worked, the kitchenaid just makes the process so much smoother. Just be sure to use the kneading paddle during the "mix and rest" portion of the recipe.

Dissolve yeast in 1/2 cup warm water. Let stand 10 minutes. In large bowl combine 2 cups hot water, sugar, salt, shortening, and half of the flour; beat well. Stir in dissolved yeast. Stir in remaining flour. Mix well. Leaving spoon in batter, allow to rest again for 10 minutes. Stir vigorously. Allow to rest again for 10 minutes. Repeat 3 more times. Turn out dough onto floured board. Knead once or twice until lightly coated with flour. Divide dough in half. Roll each half into a 9" x 12" rectangle. Starting at long edge, roll loosely as for jelly roll. Seal edge. Place both rolls seam side down, on one large baking sheet. Gash top of each loaf diagonally 3 times with sharp knife. Brush with beaten egg white. Sprinkle with sesame seeds (optional). Let rise 30 minutes. Bake at 400 degrees for 35 minutes (until golden brown).

Yield: 2 loaves.

A formula for a new year.

2013-01-02T20:23:00.002-08:00

We had a wonderful Christmas and a very happy New Year. Christmas was spent here at home, which was magical and cozy. After Christmas we headed south to escape the winter wonderland that our little town had become in just a matter of days. Our sweet boys somehow contracted croup and spent most of the time lethargic with fevers and awful coughs. We are still fighting that bug but my boys sure are troopers and never complain. I could learn a lot from them!

As a result, I haven't had much time to think about resolutions. I did, however, read Meg's blog today and love what she has to say. I agree that sometimes we just need a break. In this day of Pinterest, blogs and social media I think we have even more reason to compare ourselves to others. To want to be that perfect somebody that doesn't exist but we think they do because we think we see them on the internet. Instead, what we see is a little piece of perfect from hundreds of different people. We rarely see the flaws, the mistakes, the normalcy. We need to just be comfortable with ourselves. Who cares if we make super crappy projects that aren't photo quality. Or who cares if we just don't make projects at all (eh hem. like me!). Who cares if we can't braid our hair into a flower or make really nutritious whole food meals for our family every meal. We shouldn't do things with the sole purpose to take pictures of them and post them ASAP to the internet looking for others approval. Instead, we should live in the moment. If that moment happens to present something worth posting, then go for it! But be present. Search for those things in life that are good and raise us up. Find joy in our every day lives. Strive to be a better person than we were the day before, but nothing more (in an attempt to not feel overwhelmed).

I learned something from my dad this weekend. What I learned was, we don't have to be perfect in this life. That is not the goal, if it were it would be an unobtainable one. No one is perfect. We should, however, strive to progress. I love the formula above that came from this quote by President Thomas S. Monson, "May I share with you a formula that in my judgment will help you and help me to journey well through mortality... First, fill your mind with truth; second, fill your life with service; and third, fill your heart with love." With this formula, I am bound to progress! That is my plan for this year and hopefully it will stick with me for the rest of my life.

Happy New Year!

Peace on earth.

2012-12-21T10:47:00.000-08:00

I'll be the first to admit that blogging has not been on my mind at all lately. I receive the same email every December telling me that my domain name is due for renewal. Every December I contemplate what the best thing to do is. I love the friends I have made through this blog and the people who have touched my life (and maybe I've somehow done the same for them). But my heart just isn't in to writing posts lately. I will be paying the renewal once again in case that desire comes back sometime down the road. But for now, Instagram and Path are my main forms of documenting my life.

I couldn't go without mentioning how completely shaken and heartbroken I was after hearing about those sweet children in Connecticut. The day it happened, I cried tears of heartache, tears of frustation, and tears of utter and complete sympathy to those parents who had lost their little ones so close to Christmas time. The greif consumed me and I couldn't understand how such evil could exist here in this country and on this earth. The only comfort I found was through turning to our Heavenly Father. As I was thinking of all of the parents who were suffering from the loss of their babies, I couldn't help but be reminded of a talk given in October at my church's general conference. Elder Shayne M. Bowen spoke specifically to parents who have lost a child and provides so much insite and comfort to grieving parents. I love the quote, "Because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy."

This is a special time of year. A time when we remember and celebrate a little baby who came to this earth many years ago. With His birth came hope and joy. His life brought the highest example of how we should live. His atonement brought us freedom from greif and pain. His death was necessary in order for his resurrection to take place. With His resurrection came eternal life and the possibility for us to live again and to live with our families for eternity. Words can't properly express the deep love I have for my Savior. Through Him tears are dried, hearts are softened, fears are diminished, sins are forgiven, love is found and hope is restored.

I love the song, "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" and found it very fitting particularly because of the recent events in Connecticut. The right WILL prevail. We can have peace on earth because of that little tiny baby whose birth we get to celebrate in just a few short days. I wish you all a very merry Christmas and hope that peace and joy will find you this special season!

A Letter to My Baby - 3 years

2012-11-27T23:23:00.000-08:00

Flowers from your daddy. He NEVER sends flowers, so today must have been one special day. ;)

Dear Michael,

I am usually able to write these letters with ease. I have been thinking about this one all day and it seems as though the words don't want to come as freely this time. This is probably due to the fact that I am completely in awe this evening by the kindness that has been shown to our little family today.

Today is the three year mark since you were born. Happy birthday! We celebrated your birthday as a family (I baked a chocolate pie - your dad's favorite - and your big brother was so excited to get to blow out your candles for you). I thought about how this birthday celebration is so completely different from the one we recently had for your little brother. For his, we celebrated his life and for yours we celebrated your memory. Both of which I believe to be equally important.

Today was filled with so many acts of kindness. Word got out from my sweet friend and neighbor, Millie, about what this day meant to our family. We had people stop by with flowers, cookies, cards, cinnamon rolls... you name it. My phone and Facebook message inboxes were full of sweet notes from dear friends who were just letting me know they were thinking of us today. I am overwhelmed by their selflessness and kindness. Part of me feels like we don't deserve it because you (along with your brothers) are one of the greatest blessings our family has ever received. I feel so incredibly blessed to live in the neighborhood that we do and to have such wonderful friends. Tears filled my eyes with every gift and message and I couldn't help but sit on the couch and have a good cry a couple of times.

Before we left for Thanksgiving weekend, your Aunt Jenny sent me a gift in the mail. Inside the package was a picture frame with two pictures of your cousins visiting your grave. There was also a note inside letting me know that even though I wasn't close enough to visit you for your birthday, they were there watching over you for me. Talk about a sob fest to follow! It was one of the most thoughtful and beautiful gifts I could have received from them. When your big brother saw it he took it from me and told me he knew right where to put it. I followed him in to the kitchen and watched him place it right by the tile I have that was given to me soon after we lost you. My heart swelled as I realized just how much he understands and remembers.

Over Thanksgiving weekend our family tied fleece blankets at grandma's house to take to the local hospital for preemie babies. I am determined to do one act of service (if not more) every year in honor of you for your birthday. It's my one small way of giving back for all of the many tender mercies we have experienced after losing you. Your dad and I went to the hospital this evening to deliver the blankets and as I handed them over to the nurse I thought of those mothers who would be wrapping their sweet babies in them. I still have your blanket and am reminded of your warm, perfect body all swaddled up inside of it as the nurses handed you to me to hold for the first time. I was grateful we were able to do this one small thing in hopes that it would bring another mother comfort during whatever hard time (or happy time!) they were going through with their own baby.

I am so grateful for eternal families, Michael. Without the knowledge that I will one day hold you in my arms again this whole greif process would be a lot more difficult. But I do know that I will see you again and that has allowed me to turn my greif and pain into hope and even happiness. Recently in our church's general conference there was a talk given by Elder Shayne Bowen titled "Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also". It is a powerful and emotional talk about parents who go through the trial of losing a child in this life. In it he says, "Because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy." I believe this with all my heart and am so grateful for a Savior who suffered for my pains and heartache and has made it so we can live together again some day.

In this world where so many people are debating the value of life inside the womb I can't help but cringe when it is disregarded and thrown away like it never existed in the first place. Some of those same people may look at our loss and wonder what the big deal is or may even go so far as to just call it a failed pregnancy. I wish they could see how life is truly a miracle. I know for a fact you had a body and a spirit. Your time here on this earth was short, but you did have time here.

You did exist.

You had your own crazy active personality and were prone to getting hiccups at least twice a day. You also had a sense of peace about you that I will never forget. I knew you were special. Our Heavenly Father knew that too and had greater plans for you. I am so grateful he allowed me to be the one to help you receive a body.

Your story has touched and helped so many people and I am proud to be called your mother. I can't wait for the day to hold you again my sweet baby boy. I hope you can see how much your family loves you!

Love,
Your Mommy

Halloween 2012, The Cast

2012-11-01T15:27:00.003-07:00

The cutest little itsy-bitsy spider (assuming spiders can be cute..)

The heroic Batman in action!

The adorable purple dragon with pink "coka-dots" with her little cougar fan showed up just in time for trick or treating!

The two extremely nerdy nerds. (Me on the left, Natalie on the right)

And of course the jack-o-lanterns.

We had a great Halloween with lots of parties leading up to the actual Halloween night. Each time I would put the boys' costumes on, Little Guy would ask "Is it the real Halloween yet?". Between trunk-or-treating, preschool parties, the stake dance I chaperoned (hence the nerd costume), the work parties and the actual night... we had a blast.

We had so much fun getting together with family for chili and cornbread at our place last night. With each grandkid that is added to the family the craziness and fun level just keeps getting higher.

Oh and before I end this post, anyone else cringing at the site of this?:

All I can say is I'm glad The Great Pumpkin is coming tonight to take it all away. Little Guy has been talking about The Great Pumpkin for an entire week now and how excited he is for him to come. Hooray for new traditions that stick!

October :: A month in review

2012-10-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

:: I used my sewing machine that has been in it's box (brand new) for the last 4 or 5 years. These super hero masks were a hit and make for the greatest little gifts or birthday party favors.

:: Little Guy wanted Batman cupcakes to take to preschool on his birthday. He was pretty happy with the final result even though he had requested Batman's face on half and Robin's on the other half...

:: Grandma and Grandpa came to visit during conference weekend! It was Grandpa's birthday and we were so happy we got to celebrate it with him (with a golf cake and all!).

:: Little Guy's preschool took a field trip to the pumpkin patch. I caught him holding hands three different times. With three different girls. Oy vey!

:: We got to meet up with Marta, Benji and Seth one day at Cornbelly's. It was a riot and the kids loved it! I loved catching up with Marta and squishing Seth's adorable cheeks. Seriously, isn't he the cutest?? I'm so glad we live close enough to get together every once in a while, we sure love this bunch!

:: Jer has been out of town WAY too much the last two months. Three full weeks to be exact. I go through a lot of Nestle dark chocolate chips when he's gone.

:: Drove up to Wheeler farm with the cousins the other day. Tyler loved seeing all of the animals and Caleb loved playing with his cousins on the playground. We also had a neighbor friend with us, which proved the saying "the more the merrier" to be right!

I can't believe October has come and gone. Check back later for a Halloween post!

Mini Batch of Sugar Cookies (with best cream cheese frosting ever!)

2012-10-24T13:58:00.000-07:00

Little Guy loves making sugar cookies. I'm pretty sure it's on the list of his top 5 favorite things to do along with go to Disneyland and open presents on Christmas morning. Seriously, that's how much he loves it. I wish I could make the sugar cookie thing happen more often but I have developed a strong aversion to the activity. Mostly due to the fact that it is so tedious and takes FOREVER and makes a gargantuan mess in my kitchen.

Think about it. First you have to make the dough, then roll the dough, then cut the dough, then cook the dough, then let the cookie cool, then make the frosting, then spread the frosting, then decorate on top of the frosting and the only part I really enjoy is eating the cookie. The biggest problem is when we are left with dozens of cookies on the countertop and I have zero self control to avoid popping them in my mouth one giant bite at a time.

The other day Little Guy really wanted to make Halloween sugar cookies. It was cold and rainy out so the boredom was settling in. The only cookie cutters I own are Halloween themed so I knew I didn't have much of an excuse not to. I REALLY didn't want to spend hours making them though, so I got on the google and found a recipe for a small batch of sugar cookies! Hallelujah! The best part? It was actually really yummy! The sour cream makes them moist and soft, which isn't what I was expecting from such a small batch. Plus they only made about 12 medium sized cookies which meant it didn't take long at all and we didn't have a ton leftover. That's a win/win situation in my book.

It made these kiddos super happy. See for yourself:

Mini Batch of Sugar Cookies

INGREDIENTS:

1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup butter
1 egg yolk from a large egg
1/2 tbsp vanilla extract
1 tbsp sour cream
1 cup flour
1/8 tsp baking powder
1/8 tsp salt

INSTRUCTIONS:

Cream sugar and butter together in a mixing bowl. Add egg yolk and vanilla extract and mix until everything is well-blended. Add sour cream and mix again. Add flour, baking powder and salt. Mix everything together until it is all incorporated and creates round crumbs.

Once the crumbs are formed use your hands to squish the dough into a ball. Roll the ball of dough between two pieces of wax paper until desired thickness is achieved. Use a cookie cutter to cut out shapes and place them on a cookie sheet.

Bake at 350* for 6 minutes, then rotate your cookie sheet and cook for an additional 3 minutes.

Let cool and decorate with best cream cheese frosting ever!

Best Cream Cheese Frosting Ever

INGREDIENTS:

8 oz. cream cheese (not rock solid, but you can use it right of out the fridge!)
5 Tbs. softened butter
2 tsp. vanilla
2 cups powdered sugar

INSTRUCTIONS:

Beat cream cheese, softened butter and vanilla together in a bowl until combined. Gradually add powdered sugar as you continue to mix. Feel free to add more sugar until desired consistency and sweetness is reached!

Beam Me Up

2012-10-22T11:19:00.003-07:00

Photo credit: Alyce Clegg Photography

This morning I received a message from a dear friend of mine, Sarah. Sarah and I used to be neighbors when I was little and living in Farmington. She comes from a family with five girls and my sister and I spent a lot of time with them. I always thought of them as the real life "Little Women" and they have always had a special place in my heart!

This was her message to me on Facebook:

Hi Hilary,

This is a little random but I came across this song and thought I would pass it along to you. I've enjoyed following your public blog and thought of your sweet Michael when I heard this song. I hope maybe it'll bring a little joy into your day.

Have a wonderful day!
Sarah

Attached was a link to the song below. I listened to it and it immediately brought me to tears. It is such a beautiful song about a mother who misses her child and asks for just one more minute. This song touched me in such a deep way. It's funny how just the other day I made the comment to Jer about how this year has been a good year as far as greif goes. I have truly come to terms with the loss and know that it is our Heavenly Father's will and have known that from the very beginning. There have been very few moments this year where I have cried remembering my sweet Michael. Most of my thoughts about his loss are ones of humility, reverence and gratitude. But today was a reminder of what an unpredictable roller coaster greif is. Despite my knowledge and certainty that I will see my son again, I still miss him. I've always wished to just have one minute with him, breathing in my arms. With having him stillborn I never had that moment. I know that wish will come true one day though and I'm forever grateful for that.

I recognize there are many of you who read this blog that have suffered a similar loss and might be touched by this song as well so I knew I just had to share it.

Thank you so much for sending this my way Sarah!

A few of my favorite lyrics from the song:
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet / I look at you and you're looking at me
Could you beam me up / Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it / Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face / Beam me up, / Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter, /
I think, a minutes enough, / Just beam me up.

SIDE NOTE: The conference talk "Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also" has brought so much comfort into my life this month. I'm so grateful for inspired leaders and their words of counsel!

FIVE

2012-10-08T09:09:00.003-07:00

photo credit: Bethany Reed Photography

Wow, five years old. I can't believe you are FIVE! It seems like not that long ago we were bringing you home from the hospital all bundled up in your soft blue blankets. Yes, blankets as in the plural form of blanket. It was freezing cold in Idaho the weekend we brought you home. In fact, it snowed the day after we brought you home from the hospital! We were living with great-grandma at the time and she was tickled pink to have a newborn in her home again. She and grandma both took such good care of us as we tried to figure out this whole mother/son business. Daddy was there too and had the magic touch when it came to calming you down from your colicky spells. I was terrified as a new mother, but had an overwhelming sense of love for the bundle in my arms that depended on me for everything. I knew from that moment on, my heart would never be just my own again.

Since that cold week in October you have grown into a tender-hearted, fun-loving, super-hero-costume-wearing, LEGO building, adorable little boy. You are mommy's little buddy and love to help me out whenever you see a need. Just the other day (a crazy day for mommy) you came up to me and gave me a big hug out of no where. When I asked why you had given me a hug your reply was simple, "Because you needed one". You have a tendency to melt my heart and make me laugh each and every day.

A five year old's mind is such a fun thing to observe. You are fascinated with bugs (much to your mother's dismay) and love to ask about how things work. When you aren't too busy teasing your little brother, you are playing with him and showing him how to be a big boy like you. As with any child in your generation, if you could watch TV and play video games all day you would. But since that is not allowed you spend your time outside on your RAZOR scooter, making crafts (splat monsters!), dressing up in costumes and building with your LEGOs.

For your birthday this year we were pretty low key. Daddy was out of town on your actual birthday, so we celebrated the weekend before. You had requested LEGO Batman items and nothing else. Later on in the day we had our first ever family photos taken and all you could think about the entire time was your birthday dinner at Pizza Pie Cafe. It made me giggle knowing that every time we told you to smile all you were thinking of was that oreo dessert pizza you would get to eat right after.

Words can't describe the love I have for you! You will always be my special Little Guy, regardless of how non-little you are getting.

Happy fifth birthday, Bugs!

Love,
Mommy

p.s. As I mentioned, we had our first ever family photo session two weekends ago by Bethany Reed Photography. It was so much fun and I can't wait to tell you all about it and share them with you very soon! You can see her blog post about it here. If you head over, leave a comment and show her some love because she's just awesome.

Fall?...check!

2012-09-21T06:33:00.001-07:00

Body aches?...check.

Stuffy nose?...check.

Sore throats?...check.

Nasty cough coming from the 4 year old?...check.

Waking up for the day at 4:30am with the uncomfortable almost 2 year old?...check!

Fall is officially upon us thanks to this nasty cold that has decided to join our family. We spent the entire day in our jammies yesterday. We felt like we could get away with it a little more seeing how daddy has been out of town all week and won't be back until later today. In an attempt to make the most of our lazy day I whipped up a batch of this homemade playdough. It turned out awesome and I just may never buy store bought playdough again. The homemade stuff is so much softer, squishier and just plain awesomer. I can use words like awesomer because I've been up since 4:30am.

Little Guy was pretty disappointed that he had to stay home from preschool due to his phlegmy cough yesterday. He looks forward to going each day and loves his teacher. He always comes home with the cutest little projects. He asked me if we could play pretend preschool and have me be the teacher. I just wasn't up to par and he kept telling me things like "No, mom, teacher doesn't say that, she says...(insert fun/creative phrase here)". We did succeed in having coloring time though and learned that Tiny Man is a pro at this photo bombing business:

We will be spending another day at home in hopes to finally beat this cold/cough. It's nice to just take things slow and not have anywhere to go on days like this. Bring on the sweats and playdough one more time!

Side note: This morning the boys discovered "Yo Gabba Gabba". There are no words, other than...these guys were definitely under the influence when this show was created. Kids, don't do drugs. They won't be watching this again! Bleh.

Lately.

2012-09-10T14:16:00.001-07:00

:: We finally got Jer to come down to St. George with us! It turned out to be an impromptu family reunion for a bit as all of us siblings were in town. We had lots of fun and went on a perfect little hike for little legs. Little Guy loved it and wants to go "hike a mountain" all the time now. (My sister and her husband had left before the hike, otherwise they would have been pictured here with us:)

:: The pool is always the funnest place to be at my parents house. We tried to get in as much swimming as possible as we know the swimming season is almost over. Tiny Man learned to swim on his own with his water wings on. It was the cutest little thing seeing his little legs kicking like crazy moving his tiny body through the water.

:: We said goodbye to Aunt Lindsey and the baby chicks. Lindsey is off to college (started today!) at BYU-Idaho and the chicks were off to a new home. We were able to watch these babies hatch from their eggs, which was pretty awesome. We are going to miss Lindsey but are so glad she's already having the time of her life. She is the best.

:: Little Guy started preschool for his second year this last Thursday. He loves his teacher this time around and doesn't get why he can't just go every day of the week! He is a big preschooler, I'm guessing one of the biggest in his class and could probably fit right in with the kindergartners. I'm happy to have him around for one more year though, as I am in absolutely no hurry for this kid to grow up. I love having him around. He is so helpful and hilarious.

:: Yesterday we went on a family bike ride to the duck pond and snapped this super high quality family photo. I love how Little Guy's face isn't all the way in the picture. So classic. I love my little family and seriously can't believe how blessed we have been. I thank my Heavenly Father each and every day for my boys and for the opportunity I have to be their wife and mother. Some days I get scared realizing that it's probably too good to be true and something bad is just waiting around the corner. But I try not to dwell on that feeling and just enjoy the blissfulness while it lasts. Life really is good.

5 Ways to Have Fun at Lagoon

2012-08-26T20:25:00.000-07:00

{1} Avoid rides like the one above at all costs. Enlist your non-motion sick spouse to take the child on this one. This will prevent you from throwing up all over the place and will allow you to eat more churros.

{2} Wear sunscreen and go on rides that get you wet. This will prevent you from frying and melting. Both things that should only be done in the kitchen, not at Lagoon.

{3} Get super excited to take your posterity on your favorite white roller coaster from when you were younger, then ignore the rational thoughts in your head about not going on it because you will get sick only to find out it was your posterity's least favorite ride of the day meaning you got sick and sacrificed for nothing! Oh wait, maybe this one should be under the "how NOT to have fun at Lagoon.." Oh well, funny the things we think our children will love just because we do or once did.

{4} DO NOT GO ON THE FERRIS WHEEL AND THINK YOU WON'T GET SICK. Because you will. It's deceiving standing there in all it's big and slow glory. You think it's not moving very fast so it's probably pretty safe. It's a false sense of security, don't listen to yourself!

{5} Leave this one at home with his cousins. Trust me on this one. Even though we missed him like crazy while we were away (even Little Guy kept saying how much he missed him) we were grateful to not have a stroller that we had to pack around, or worry about no napping, or worry about him being too hot, or having to change his diaper, etc. etc. Besides he had way more fun with his cousins than he would have at some place with too many people and no air conditioning. And just a side note... we are not talking about how big he looks in this picture. It's just not happening.

*BONUS TIPS:

-- Eat at Subway or Arby's for lunch (they have them in the park), not from the gross Lagoon chicken/burger/pizza joints.

-- If your child is persistent on going on the TerrorRide and you don't want them to go because you know they will get scared, let them go anyway. You'll be surprised to find out it is their favorite ride in the entire park. Then they will ask to go again, and love it just as much as the first time. Oh wait, maybe that's just my child...

-- Take Less Drowsy Dramamine one hour before going if you have a tendency to get motion sick. It won't help in any way shape or form when you find yourself being tossed about to and fro by a big colorful piece of mechanical metal, but at least you tried.

Seven.

2012-08-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

When thinking about this post I had originally planned writing it in list form. However as I started listing the things we have happened these past seven years, I concluded that it just wasn't going to work. How can I put all of the love that has existed these past seven years in a list? I can't because love is something that can't be described with words. It's something that is felt with the mind, body and soul.

I knew I could be happy with Jer from those first moments I met him at the call center we both worked at in college. And as cheesy as you may find this next statement to be, he has made me happier than I ever thought I could be. I found my journal from when we were first dating and read it just last week. In there I talked about how Jer made me feel like I was genuinely the most beautiful girl in the world, inside and out. What girl doesn't want to feel that way? He still has a way of instilling an inner confidence in me and helping me love myself even on the worst of days. There are so many things that I love about this guy and I count my blessings each day that we are together living our lives as one and raising this little family of ours.

It was seven years ago yesterday that we were married in the Idaho Falls, Idaho LDS temple. I have come to find that of the many days we are given here on this earth, there are just a handful that you can remember every little detail, every feeling that you experienced that day. August 19, 2005 was one of those days. I remember the excitement, the butterflies, the pink and green decorations, the hand-me-down cake that the cake lady thought she could re-use, the friends, the family, the wonderful spirit that was there in the temple, the exhaustion from a jam-packed day, the pain from Jer biting my finger as I fed him his piece of cake, the laughter after my little (male) cousin caught the bouquet and on and on. It was the perfect start to our little family.

I love you Jer! Thanks for the best seven years of my life so far. Can't wait for the eternity we have ahead!

This one...

2012-08-17T21:01:00.000-07:00

This one loves animals and is such a helper. We are here at my parents house chicken and dog sitting and this little guy has been at my side helping the entire time. He has told me several times this week that Batman and Superman are real and wants to be sure that I know. He's a little concerned about Mickey Mouse not being real though because he didn't talk to him when he was at Disneyland.

Tonight this one was very disappointed and a little embarrassed that Yogurtland only had Hello Kitty cups to offer. "Why do they only have girl cups?" he said. He also gets mortified when I make him come in the Women's bathroom with me because I am paranoid to let him go into the Men's all by himself.

This one's imagination is out of this world and he is fascinated with robots. He was excited to find out that robots are indeed real. He asked if he could get a robot dog for his birthday. I told him that would be pretty awesome (my usual response) and he called me out and said, "Say yes or no mom. Actually, say yes".

The stories that this one comes up with are pretty incredible. He is trying to figure out the fine line between a "story" and a "lie" and will hopefully realize soon that they aren't much different from each other. He loves making people laugh though, and will often throw in the words "poo-poo" and "pee-pee" thinking they are the most hilarious words out there. I'll admit he has caught me off guard a couple of times and got me laughing, but I usually trying to settle down and help him think up some words that are a little more polite but equally funny.

This one just has something about him that calms my raging insides on a bad day (assuming he isn't having a bad day as well, but that's another thought for another time). He is my little sweetheart who genuinely cares about others and will always be special to me. I love him to pieces and have a love/hate relationship with watching him grow up so big. It's just too darn fast for my liking.

Regardless of the time that seems to be flying by forcing us all to grow older, this one will always be my little guy.

Doing what little boys do best...

2012-08-15T11:24:00.001-07:00

...being little boys. Sometimes they drive their mother crazy, but most times they are the funniest, sweetest, most curious, adventurous, cuddliest,and cutest little boys around. I love my two little sidekicks!

Taking Root.

2012-08-08T09:51:00.000-07:00

Here is our cute little garden. It isn't anything miraculous or noteworthy, but we have fallen in love with it this summer. Each evening we walk out to take a look and see what it has to offer us that day. We have jalapeños and cherry tomatoes coming out of our ears! I think it's time for some salsa. I am super anxious to see what our artichoke plant ends up doing. For now, it's just being ginormous with no promise of anything but hugeness in site. I love knowing that we planted this garden from itty bitty seeds and after some water and sunshine those seeds have sprouted roots and completely taken to the soil we prepared for them.

I feel much like those little seeds. We have lived here in our home for 9 months now and it feels like home. We love our neighbors, our friends, and our church callings. I just returned from girls camp (yes I was gone another 4 days from my boys! They loved being with daddy again though and even got to go visit grandma and grandpa while I was gone). Camp was a huge success. And by success I mean 21 teenage girls got along perfectly with no drama for 4 days straight. Talk about a miracle! We have the best girls in our ward and some truly wonderful leaders. I feel so blessed to get to serve with each one of them. At camp we had some really great spiritual experiences, some awesome food (shout out to Natalie!), and a whole lot of fun (we found ourselves laughing so hard we cried many times). I must admit right now that one of my favorite parts was the hike (even though we ran into a bear on the trail!). Never in a million years would I have ever thought I'd say that. It was always my least favorite part of camp growing up. But every activity we did was such a great experience. Every minute I was there I just kept thinking, "This is so awesome, I am so lucky to be a part of this!" I feel that way about my life right now as well.

After so many years of asking ourselves "What are we supposed to be doing? Where are we supposed to be?", I believe we finally found the answer. We know we are supposed to be exactly where we are right now. It just feels right and I couldn't ask for anything more than that feeling at this moment. It's never certain how long moments like these are meant to last, but I'll cherish it while I've got it!

Now if you'll excuse me, there is some salsa that needs to be made.

Youth Conference 2012

2012-07-22T20:38:00.003-07:00

Last weekend I had the opportunity to go to youth conference with our stake* at Snow College in Ephraim, Utah. I had heard plenty about the college, but had never actually been there, and now I know why. It is out in the middle of no where! It did have a beautiful campus with some really neat buildings and a cool bell tower though. I had an absolute blast with the youth from our stake and the other leaders that were there. Those three days were jam packed with lots of fun, activities, workshops, devotionals and even a dance at the end where we pulled off our own flash mob (check that one off the bucket list!).

In order to go, I had to leave the boys home alone with Jer for the weekend. I couldn't sleep the whole night before and I had tears in my eyes as I pulled out of the driveway that next morning, waving goodbye to my boys. It was so hard to leave because I knew I would miss them like crazy. Once we were at Snow College, however, we were so busy with everything that I was shocked to realize I didn't have time to miss my boys too much. It was comforting to know they were in such good hands and I know Jer loved spending some one on one time with them.

I was lucky enough to get to go with my dear friend, Mandy, and we both ended up having an absolute riot. It's dangerous getting two full-time mom's out of the house on their own and putting them in a crowd of teenage kids. We got in the middle of one of the largest water fights I have ever seen (with approximately 250+ people), stayed up late, danced like we were 16 again and even took a midnight run to the Mav for some ice cream. It wasn't until we woke up in the morning when we realized we aren't as young as we once were. It didn't help that we were sleeping on plastic mattresses in our sleeping bags, we didn't complain though because we were just glad we weren't camping! A few ibuprofen's later and we were back at it for another day's worth of activities.

The best part about this youth conference is that it not only provided a lot of fun for the youth that were there, but it also provided so many opportunities to feel the spirit. We were all taught so many great things out of the "For the Strength of Youth" manual while we were there. On the very last day we had a testimony meeting for the youth to go up and share what they had learned and felt while at youth conference. Every one of those testimonies was so powerful and made me realize just how strong and awesome the youth are today.

I must say that despite the wonderful time I had while I was gone, it was so good to come back home to my boys. There is nothing sweeter than two little arms wrapped around your neck and hearing the words, "I missed you mommy!" I missed them too.

*I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. You can learn more about my church and how it is organized here. I currently serve in the Young Women's organization for my ward (and love it!). Feel free to email if you ever have any questions! It's something I love to talk about. :)

My Mom's Cute (and clean) Chicken Coop

2012-07-20T13:05:00.002-07:00

I told you this coop deserves a post of it's own. The boys love going to my parents house for three reasons:

1. Grandma and Grandpa (and aunt Lindsey!)

2. The pool.

3. The chickens.

My parents chicken coop and garden area is one of the cutest little places on earth. They keep the place pristine which means their chickens and eggs are also clean. Their chickens are sweet and completely mellow so much so that they let my boys pick them up and hold them. The thing I love most about my parents chickens is the unique types that create diversity amongst the "flock" (is that the right term there mom??). They have four silkies, one bantam white crested polish, one bantam cochin, and one ameraucana. They all lay different colored and sized eggs which makes it super fun for the boys to go collect them each day. It's always a surprise to see what kind of egg we are going to get and Little Guy almost always eats them that very day. Doesn't get any fresher than that folks!

We were lucky enough to be there right after my mom had hatched a bunch of cute little polish chicks in her incubator. I couldn't get enough of them and their "pom-pom" heads. They were seriously cute and the boys knew it. If there was ever a point during the trip when I couldn't find one of them, we always found them in the laundry room where the chicks were.

I love that my parents have this little piece of country in their own backyard... along with the pool which counts as little piece of paradise. Why we aren't down there every weekend is beyond me...

After a day at the pool, we always ended up sitting on the bench back by the coop with the chickens in the evenings. It is so peaceful there and quite entertaining to watch the chickens do their thing. I loved watching Tiny Man follow each chicken with his hands out in front of him, crouching down to pick them up but missing them by a mile each and every time. He was determined and never did give up. I would eventually give in and go pick one up for him, and then he would giggle and settle in next to it on the bench. I loved watching my boys fall in love with these chickens (and secretly fell in love with them myself along the way).

There, now you have seen the coop. What do you think? Does it make you want chickens now?? They almost have me convinced. Almost. ;)