Hils Blog {finding joy}

Back to Idaho

2012-06-03T21:36:00.002-07:00

My mom, the boys, and I all headed up to Idaho this last week. It was such a special trip, one that I am so grateful we took. It was my first time back since the big move. We got to see both of my grandma's, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. Poor Tiny got sick a day into the stay and made it so we couldn't see everyone I would have liked to so we will have to make it back up there again soon. Here is a quick recap:

01. - 03. Great Grams' apple trees are pretty incredible and perfect for climbing. My mom couldn't resist the temptation and ended up climbing them with Little Guy. I'm pretty sure this makes three generations that have climbed these trees. One reason I love Grams' house so much is all the memories that have been made there. It's the house my mom grew up in and that to me has always been something special to visit.
04. Both of these women will not like that I put this picture on here. If my grandma read my blog I'm sure I'd get a call from her saying "Oh hey, no one wants to see a picture of this old woman on the internet". But I couldn't resist. This was a favorite moment because Grams was showing off her new massager gadget. She always has the coolest latest and greatest things (as seen on TV). I loved our late night chats we had while I was there.
05. Tiny Man found the pistachios and the warrior, both of which have been there since I was his age.
06. - 07. I love each and every one of my three boys. I was so glad we were able to visit Michael's grave right after Memorial day. This was the first time in a long time that I was actually anxious about the visit. I couldn't ever put my thumb on an exact reason why. The cemetery is always so beautiful and happy with all of the flowers, pinwheels and other decorations brought by remembering loved ones. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have that I will see my son again some day.

Running With Angels 5k

2012-05-20T21:53:00.003-07:00

Saturday morning started early. It was the day of the 5k and I had major jitters that hit about 5:30 am. I eventually gave up trying to fall back to sleep and just got out of bed. I stretched and ate breakfast as the rest of my family slept. I started worrying about what the day would bring. Would I be able to climb the hills that I hadn't been training for? What if I got a side ache and couldn't run? Would I even be able to finish? Running a 5k hadn't ever been something on my bucket list, but I had a strong desire to finish this one. This one was for Michael. I wanted him to look down on me that day and be proud of his mom. I wanted him to know that I was running for him, proving once again that I would do anything for my children.

Jer and I put on our matching blue shirts and waited for my brother and his wife to arrive. They were going to drop their two little ones off for my mom to watch. She had driven all the way from St. George to be here to help. We may have been running a 5k that day, but my mom did some marathon babysitting by watching four kids under the age of four. We couldn't have done it without her!

Once they arrived, we got in their car and headed to the gardens. After a slight detour (aka getting lost) we made it to where we were supposed to be just in time to check in and go to the bathroom (the good ol' blue honey bucket!). The race was exhilarating. I couldn't believe just how many people were there. It took a good quarter to half mile before I was able to get into a good rhythm without the worry of running in to someone. I ran along side my sister in law, who was so awesome to come and support us. She is a faster runner than me and helped me keep a good pace. My brother was clear up ahead of us and Jer was just behind him. At one point I started to get a side ache, but worked my way through it. Overall I felt incredible. The run was absolutely gorgeous. It was through the Thanksgiving Point Gardens and the paths were breathtaking. My favorite part was running past the ginormous water fall. I made a mental note to go back there soon so that I could sit and enjoy the beauty of it all.

During my run I thought of Michael. I thought about our journey through the loss and heartache. I also thought about the many blessings and lessons that have come from it. I wondered if he could see me and if he knew I was doing this crazy thing for him. I felt strength from thinking of him and I know that's what kept pushing me along. I also thought of the other people there and wondered what loved ones they were running for. Occasionally I would see groups of family and friends with matching t-shirts all rallying together for someone they loved. It was touching and I thought of how wonderful all of my family and friends had been during the loss and continue to be.

As I reached mile three, I could see the end in sight. There was a massive upward hill between me and the finish line. How rude is that? Shouldn't it be downhill to the finish line?! It was brutal but I pushed my way up. As I crossed the finish line, I completely and totally pulled a Rocky Balboa (see proof below). It felt amazing and I was so happy to see my husband and brother there waiting for me at the finish line. My dad had helped me set a goal to finish in 30 minutes. I beat that goal and couldn't believe it.

We drank water, ate bananas and wandered around gathering all the free stuff at the booths for a while (I even got my first massage!). My brother finished second in his age group and 14th overall, which was so awesome. It was such a special time and a wonderful event to have participated in.

Now I can cross "Run a 5k" off my bucket list. But first I'll have to add it... :)

p.s. Our team came in 4th for the fund raising and I came in 3rd individually. A HUGE thank you to everyone who donated. You guys are all so awesome and we appreciated your support!

Team Baby Michael

Love having this man at my side.

And now, without further ado, I give you.... THE ROCKY BALBOA:

ADRIAN!!!!!

Happy Mother's Day Indeed.

2012-05-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

All my life I have been surrounded and influenced by amazing mothers and women. I've looked up to them, learned from them and wanted to be just like them. Ever since I was a little girl all I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a mom. I'm living the dream people. Too bad the dream is really, really hard. It's the most emotionally, physically and mentally taxing thing I have ever had to do in my life. It is also the most amazing, rewarding and holy thing I have ever done in my life. It's the only job in the world where you can feel exhaustion, frustation, love and joy simultaneously. I know I am so blessed to have been entrusted with these two little men. I am the happiest I have ever been and I know that these little guys (and their daddy) have everything to do with it. Sure, I could have traveled the world, furthered my education, received some corporate full time job but I know that none of that would have made me as happy as I am today with my boys. So, here's to long nights (and days), snotty noses, sleepy hugs, poopy diapers, slobbery kisses, dandelion bouquets, fingerprinted windows, messy countertops and heart melting "I love you too"s.

Happy belated mother's day to all the women in my life. I hope it was a good one.

Joy in the wee hours of the night.

2012-05-08T10:56:00.004-07:00

Tiny and I in all our baby fat glory a year and a half ago.

Last night I had a mom night.

Tiny Man had been fighting a fever off and on all day thanks to his stubborn little tooth that is refusing to break through. We put him to bed only to get him out of bed 15 minutes later due to his constant sobs. I snuggled with him for a bit, got him a bottle and laid him back down. He fell asleep off and on but woke up crying every 30 minutes or so. By ten o'clock I was ready for bed. It had been a long day that had started much too early for my liking and my head was ready for the pillow. Just as I turned out the light and curled up in bed I heard another little cry out from Tiny Man. I waited for a bit to see if he would go back to sleep on his own. When he didn't I reluctantly got out of my warm, cozy bed to see if I could calm him.

As I picked him up I noticed he was sopping wet. At first I thought maybe it was because he had wet through his diaper, but when I found his diaper mostly dry I realized it was sweat. The poor guy had an outrageous temperature and was just miserable. After giving him some Tylenol I sat in his rocking chair with his body snuggled up to mine and rocked him to sleep. It wasn't soon after that I started to fall asleep as well. I stood to lay him down in his crib and he woke up crying again (don't you hate it when that happens?!). So I went and got a pillow and a blanket and laid down with him on the couch. I rubbed his back as he whimpered and fell in and out of sleep.

While we laid there my mind couldn't help but flashback to when he was a newborn. I spent countless nights sleeping in his rocking chair or on the couch with him. Back then he struggled with both acid reflux and colic, which made for some very long days and even longer nights. He constantly had to be held and it was a blessed day when he allowed me to put him the Bjorn so that I finally had two arms to get things done. I remember that time being terribly exhausting, but I also remember often thinking "at least he is here with me and I can hold him in my arms and comfort him". Something I hadn't been able to do for Michael. It didn't make the situation any easier or any less exhausting, but it did give me a new perspective and a deep sense of gratitude.

At long last, after about two hours, I could tell his breaths were long and deep enough that I could lay him down without any problem. As I walked him back to his room I kissed his warm little forehead and neck and told him I loved him. I closed his door and climbed back into my nice, warm bed...only to be woken up several more times in the night. This morning I am reminded of how hard it is to function normally without adequate sleep (my heart goes out to you mothers with newborns)! However I am also reminded of how blessed I am to be a mom. No one actually ENJOYS not getting sleep. It's actually quite the opposite. But the snuggles and love I was able to give and receive were what made me grateful.

Motherhood is a beautiful gift that I am determined to not take for granted even with all of the long days and sleepless nights that come along with it.

I am not a runner.

2012-05-03T11:20:00.008-07:00

I've always hated running. I don't remember much about the days when we had our mile run in elementary school, but I do remember the absolute pure anxiety and stress that I felt during those days. I made myself physically sick and would beg my mom to let me stay home from school. It wasn't like staying home from school would get me out of having to run the mile, but it would at least postpone it for a day or two. My mom was wise in not letting me stay home and told me it was better to just get it over with so that I could stop worrying about it so much. I was always one of the last girls to cross the finish line. I knew the other boys and girls snickered behind my back (and sometimes to my face). It hurt. They didn't know what it was like to hate running as much as I did. They didn't have a body that was so uncoordinated it couldn't even put one foot in front of the other at a faster than walking pace. When I ran it felt like my entire body was shutting down one body part at a time. First my lungs, then my legs and it was all down hill from there.

Even though my body shutting down on me was bad, the worst part was my flushed face after the run. I've always struggled with blushing embarrassing shades of beet and raspberry reds. It's always a dead giveaway when I am uncomfortable or flustered. But it's even more red after a run. It was just as bad in jr. high and high school. So much for winning over any boys with how cute I looked while trying to be athletic. Finally by college I didn't have to ever run again if I didn't want to. And I didn't. Why voluntarily put myself through such torture?!

So, had you told my younger self that when I was 25 I would voluntarily sign up for a 5k I probably would have laughed in your face and said, "Good one."

But it's true. I really did. Just yesterday. And I am officially crazy. It was always sort of up in the air whether I was truly insane or not. But now there is no question. The last few weeks I have been running a mile here and a mile there. Wait, what? Did I seriously just type that? Who.. am.. I...? My brother has been a big motivator getting me into running. Him and my Nike+ app that is. The other night I ran two whole miles. The farthest I have ever ran in my entire life. It felt horrible, but so good. I had no idea my body was even capable of doing that. I ran another 1.8 miles just this morning. I have a long way to go to get up to 5k material before May 19th but I'm going to try my hardest.

The 5k I signed up for is the Running with Angels 5k walk/run they do here every year to raise money for a wonderful program called Angel Watch. Angel Watch provides information, support and comfort to parents whose babies have life-threatening or life-limiting conditions. I remember hearing about it soon after we lost Michael and having a desire to do it in his honor. Unfortunately we lived too far away, I was pregnant and was completely not in physical shape to do it. I happened upon it by chance yesterday and was so excited to see that it hadn't already passed for this year. I signed myself and my husband up. We started a team and have recruited my brother and sister-in-law so far. We will all be running in honor and remembrance of baby Michael (hence the name "Team Baby Michael). I am terrified and excited all at the same time. Donate, come run with us or come watch. I'll be the one killed over with the beet red face just 1/4 of the way into the race! Wish me luck.

Joy Cometh in the Morning

2012-04-22T19:45:00.000-07:00

Tests and trials come to all of us. Sometimes we may ask ourselves, "Why?" This message answers that question and was so powerful I just had to share it! Happy Sunday.

Miracles do happen!

2012-04-21T14:05:00.000-07:00

I am so happy to report that the Killpack family has been approved (how about a shout out to EMI for doing the right thing?!) and can now go forward with the Spina Bifida surgery for their daughter Maggie. I have been doing the happy dance ever since finding out the good news and can only imagine how they must be feeling!

Even though the insurance is going to cover the surgery, they are still required to cover a good portion themselves. For the next month 100% of proceeds from my design shop Simply Yours Designs will be going towards this sweet baby girl and her family. If you aren't in need of a design I have set up a donate button on the site where you can donate any amount. Every little bit will help! Also, their extended family has set up a donation site where you can donate anonymously. Thank you to all who have been so supportive!

Help the Killpack Family

2012-04-18T22:02:00.001-07:00

By far the biggest blessing we have had with this move is living next to such amazing people. Our next door neighbors, the Killpacks, have welcomed us with open arms and made us feel right at home. They have three kids, two that are close to my Little Guy's age, and they are just the best friends any little kid could ever ask for. Little Guy adores them, as well as their mom, Millie and of course Bishop.

The Killpacks are expecting their fourth child and recently found out that she has Spina Bifida. Unfortunately, it is not the first time they have heard those words uttered during the 20 week ultrasound as their son Davy also has it. We were all heartbroken with the news but so incredibly hopeful when Millie told us about a surgery that was available now that would potentially help their unborn daughter have more mobility and possibly even walk.

The Killpacks flew to Houston on Easter to meet with the doctors and then have the surgery done that Thursday. Well Thursday came and went and Millie was still waiting to be admitted to the hospital. They battled with their insurance company, Educators Mutual, to cover the surgery for several days. The physical and emotional exhaustion of it all just breaks my heart. Their insurance company has denied covering the surgery so, sadly, they returned home today heartbroken but not defeated. Not yet.

A local news company covered their story tonight. I watched it through blurry eyes from the tears that were welling up and spilling over.

My plea to you is to watch the video link below and then leave a comment for their story on ABC4's website. Hopefully if we can give their story enough publicity we can change the minds of the insurance company in time for them to still have this surgery done. The blessing and miracle of modern day medicine isn't out there for nothing. It is there to bless families like the Killpack's. I pray with all my heart that a measly insurance company doesn't get in the way of what could be a miracle for this sweet family!

*UPDATE* and another with yours truly...

Smile.

2012-04-14T19:52:00.000-07:00

Life is so great, isn't it? But it can be so difficult sometimes. It seems as though trials and heartache have bombarded too many of my friends (and family) these last few months. My heart is heavy as I think of each of them and the burdens they have been called to bare. Infertility, infant loss, spina bifida and premature babies are just some of the trials that have struck and brought me to tears. I can't help but look at my life and recognize how truly blessed we are at this time. Part of me feels guilty, another part of me feels uneasy but I mostly just feel the desire to enjoy every day. I want to use this time of personal bliss to help those who are struggling around me. I would take it all away from them if it were possible!

I have had a couple conversations with some amazing women lately that have made me ponder why it is we are put through such trying times. This last week we were able to go to beautiful St. George to visit my parents for Easter. While I was there I had the opportunity to meet up with two wonderful women. Women who I have come to know thanks to this little blog.

I met Melissa first. We set our meeting place at the park where our kids could run around and play while we chatted. Melissa emailed me just two months ago telling me of her story. The emails brought me to tears as I recognized it all too well. She lost her sweet little Gracie to Ebstein's Anomaly at just 22 weeks pregnant. All I wanted to do was throw my arms around her and give her a big hug. When I found out she lived just blocks away from my parents house I was thrilled to know that it would actually be possible. We talked for an hour at the park about our shared heartaches, our gratitude of the knowledge we have that we will see our babies again someday, and about living life after such a tragedy. I couldn't help but think back on how hard it was that first year after losing Michael and was amazed by her faith and strength. I hate that we were brought together by such horrible circumstances, but so grateful to have met a new friend.

The next day I got a message via Facebook from cute Jill suggesting we get together before I headed back home. I'm so glad she did! I have read Jill's blog for so long and have loved getting to know her through our blogs. I received comments and emails from her during the loss of Michael and they were so comforting during that time. She is a beautiful woman inside and out with some of the cutest kids ever. We met up for a midday cupcake at 25th and Main (the cutest and yummiest little bakery/cafe). She brought her cute little baby girl and I brought Tiny along. We have always joked that we need to arrange a marriage for the two, however after meeting that cute little thing in real life.. I'm pretty sure it has gone from a joke to the real deal!

Jill and I had a meaningful conversation about how hard life can be at times, yet how much better it all is when we have our faith to help us through. I felt so comfortable talking with her, as though we had been long time friends. She then took me on a little personal tour of the town square project that her husband played a big part in organizing a few years back. It was incredible, complete with a splash pad and little lazy river for the kids to play in. I couldn't believe that I hadn't taken my boys there before! We agreed the next time we met up would be there so that our kids could have fun playing in the water.

It was so fun meeting these women in real life. Thank you both, Melissa and Jill, for taking time out of your busy schedules to meet up. I feel so blessed to know you both as you are women who inspire me to be better! I came to the conclusion that we are given trials for so many incredible reasons, but one of those reasons is so that we are able to meet new friends who support us and care for us all along the way.

Bite-size Cinnamon Rolls with Cream Cheese Frosting

2012-03-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

I made these mini cinnamon rolls yesterday for my young women's class in church. They turned to be just as tasty as they were cute! I found the recipe for these mini cinnamon rolls via Pinterest and knew they would be perfect to double as my object lesson and treat. I changed the recipe quite a bit, but kept the idea of using crescent rolls for the dough.

The girls told me they were almost like little cinnamon roll cookies, which was a fun twist. My boys ate them right up, they ended up being the perfect little portion for them! I will definitely be making these little guys again soon, as they were so easy and delicious.

Bite-size Cinnamon Rolls
makes 32 mini rolls

Ingredients:

2 (8oz) tubes crescent roll dough
1/2 c. brown sugar
2 tsp. cinnamon

For the cream cheese frosting:
4 oz. cream cheese (softened)
1/2 c. butter (softened)
1 c. powdered sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla

Directions:

Preheat oven according to crescent roll dough package directions. Layout half the dough (4 triangles) and pinch all the seams together. Flip over and pinch the seams on the back side together too. Using a rolling pin, smooth the seams and roll the dough into a square about 1/4″ thick.

Brush with half the butter, and sprinkle with as much cinnamon and brown sugar as you want. Roll into a log and cut into 8 pieces.

Place mini cinnamon rolls into a non-stick sprayed mini muffin tin. Repeat steps with the other half and the other tube of crescent rolls. Bake according to package directions.

Meanwhile, mix together cream cheese, butter, powdered sugar and vanilla. Once rolls have cooled, spread over the top and enjoy!

To cut or not to cut? That is the question.

2012-03-23T08:47:00.002-07:00

The big debate around here is whether we should cut this Tiny Man's hair or not. I've always wanted a little boy with cute curly hair and I know if we cut off these little curls they will be gone forever. The argument, however, is that it is on the verge of being a mullet. As much as I love the whole "business in the front, party in the back" look, I just don't know that it's right for my cute little one year old. So, the curls may not last much longer, but until they are snipped away i'm going to love every second of them!

Good Friends.

2012-03-20T21:39:00.002-07:00

I mentioned that we had an outing last week that deserved it's very own post. It was at that outing where I finally, at long last, met my dear friend Meg. The story that follows is one that I don't think I could ever do justice, but here is some background to how she and I came to know each other.

A few years back my sister-in-law, Hannah, told me about her friend, Meg, who had lost her baby at 21 weeks and soon after was diagnosed with cancer. My heart ached for this girl I didn't even know. At the time, I couldn't imagine what it could possibly be like to lose a baby, not to mention find out I had cancer on top of it all. Her strength and faith through it all truly left me in awe.

Fast forward to my pregnancy with Michael. When Hannah found out how dire my own situation was she sent me a link to Meg's blog (she must have truly been inspired!). I looked through the archives and read about her experience with her baby Clayton. I sobbed as I saw pictures of his funeral and the loving family he had left behind. I know that her blog was a tender mercy given to me from our Heavenly Father that helped prepare me for what was to come. Just days later I found myself living the same horrific nightmare of burying my own son. I too, lost my baby at 21 weeks. Because of her blog I knew that state law recognized that loss as a stillbirth. Because of her blog I knew that they had tiny caskets available for such circumstances. Because of her blog I also knew that we could bury our little Michael with my sweet grandpa in the same burial plot. Meg's story gave me knowledge about something I would have had no clue about otherwise, and even though I didn't know her yet, Meg gave me strength through one of the hardest times in my life.

After news hit the blog about Michael's burial, I soon received an email from Meg expressing her deepest condolences. It was the first of many emails we would send back and forth to each other over the years. Knowing she had been through what I was going through and had hurt the way I was hurting and came out on top, gave me strength. I soon received a beautiful handmade tree* that to this day sits right next to the computer on my desk. It is a constant reminder of not only my sweet Michael, but my sweet friend and her little Clayton.

Meeting Meg in person last week and finally being able to give her the hug that she deserves meant so much to me. She has over come so much (she is now a cancer survivor!) and is such an inspiration to me. If ever anyone doubts the power of blogs let them know that there are true friendships that can be formed because of them. Thank you Meg for making the long trip to meet up with us! And thank you Hannah for introducing me to someone who has most definitely "lifted me higher".

*p.s. Meg sells these beautiful handmade trees in her Etsy shop. They are all so cute and make the perfect sentimental gift!

An update with the help of instagram...

2012-03-14T20:22:00.000-07:00

I was very hesitant about the idea of having an iPhone when I first brought mine home. I didn't want it to completely take over my life and wasn't sure how I was going to prevent that from happening. I am ~~reluctant~~ happy to say that I have fully embraced it and love having it around. Instead of taking over my life, it has only enhanced it. It has allowed me to connect with friends and family with apps such as instagram. It's a fun way to "mini blog" and document my days. I love it. Here is a bit of an update from the last couple weeks of instagram on my phone.

FOOD

(from left to right, top to bottom)

:: my dinner tonight. yes, dinner. not dessert.

:: Birthday Cake Oreo's. all I can say is if you haven't tried these, you must.

:: my solo dinner. after a long week of snot wiping, the hubs sent me out of the house for an evening to myself. I ended up getting caught in a blizzard and found shelter at a nearby Paradise Bakery. their fire roasted tomato soup always hits the spot!

:: my favorite tea to drink before bed time. perfect for when fighting a cold and need a little something to warm you up and help you sleep.

MISC

:: the boys make a new LEGO creation every Sunday. this jet was their latest and greatest.

:: speaking of air craft, Little Guy was watching a show about helicopters found on Netflix. I couldn't stop laughing at the outfits... so 90's. I'm pretty sure I had a similar floral vest, and I know my brother had that very same shirt. classy.

:: my tiny little nephew who is just the sweetest little thing ever. I got to watch him for a short hour this last weekend and it was heaven holding that tiny little guy!

:: the handouts I made for our Young Women's New Beginnings program. I'm loving my calling serving with the young girls in our ward.

TINY MAN

:: Sunday afternoon cuddles. the best.

:: mr. scowling pants. this is Tiny's favorite new facial expression that makes me laugh every single time.

:: we had a super fun outing* today where tiny got to ride a horse for the first time ever. it must have tuckered him completely out because he fell asleep on the ride home and stayed asleep during the transfer from car to crib.

:: Tiny hit the jackpot when he found out how to open his crib drawer full of toys.

LITTLE GUY

:: still loves dressing up as pirates, firemen, superheros, bad guys, etc.

:: new glasses! I just love them on him.

:: he is getting to be a big boy and being introduced to things like "Star Wars" and LEGO's, and even better? LEGO Star Wars the movie.

:: our stay-at-home preschool when he was too sick to go.

*the fun outing was with a dear blogging friend who I have wanted to meet for almost 3 years now. Meg and her little Tru were the sweetest and we had a really fun time with them. it may just deserve it's own post soon. stay tuned.

This just in..

2012-03-09T08:06:00.002-08:00

BREAKING NEWS: Two young boys were found to be happy and energetic after a night of little to no sleep. Their mother on the other hand was not so lucky.

I think I may be dipping into the vanilla coke zero supply today. It's a good thing they are so darn cute. It's easy to forget nights like last night with those two grins to wake up to.

Have a great weekend!

Looking through windows.

2012-03-08T09:10:00.000-08:00

I love this and just had to share.

I think I'll put "clean windows" on our weekend's to do list. ;)

Transplanted

2012-02-26T20:38:00.002-08:00

The other day was gorgeous here in Utah. To say we have had a mild winter would be an understatement. We have yet to have any "real" snow that actually sticks around longer than 12 hours. I, of course, am not complaining. Though I do love snow in limited quantities, it's not something that I long or wish for. Despite the mild winter I still find myself anxious for spring, and the other day we had a taste of it.

"We're going to the park." I exclaimed. Tiny Man looked at me puzzled, he doesn't quite know the word "park" yet. Little Guy jumped up and down clapping his hands. I smiled and turned to Tiny, "Should we go?" Those three words he does know and he immediately took off towards his room. I followed him, watching his little body waddle from side to side while his short little legs led him along. He then found his shoes and nestled down into my lap for me to put them on for him. Tiny is very independent, but he knows his limits as to what he can and can't do. Putting on shoes is one of those things he can't do so he waits ~~patiently~~ for me to do it for him.

Once we were all dressed and ready to go, we stepped out into the crisp air that wasn't completely warm, but wasn't frigid either. As we walked to the nearby park breathing in that fresh air we took in the surroundings of our new neighborhood. It is a weird feeling to be in one place where you have lived most of your life one moment and suddenly be in a new place the next moment. We have quite literally been transplanted. My roots still long for the familiar soil back in Idaho. I miss knowing where everything is around town and not getting lost, having spur of the moment get togethers with my grandma's, and play dates with our dear friends. Yet another part of me loves this new, foreign soil that is here. Getting adjusted and acquainted takes time, but it helps when everyone is as nice as our neighbors are. They have welcomed us with open arms and we feel so blessed. We are feeling more at home each and every day and before we know it our roots will take and this new place will no longer be so unfamiliar.

Until then, we'll just enjoy the exploration of our new surroundings.

I don't think the boys will object, especially if it means more trips to the park.

Early Mornings

2012-02-23T07:18:00.000-08:00

From the archives: Tiny Man enjoying some Saturday morning cartoons iPhone style in bed with daddy.

This morning started early. Earlier than I normally like to be dragged out of bed at least. Tiny Man had gotten his legs stuck in the rungs of his crib and was not happy. When we got up to rescue him from the grasp of his crib we noticed Little Guy was already awake. Just standing there in the hallway. If only I could be a morning person like him.

It made me think back to high school when I couldn't sleep past 8 o'clock if it killed me. 6:30 AM was my preferred wake up time. Then there was college. I worked a 6am to 4pm shift at a call center. This meant waking up as early as 4:30am most mornings. I believe it is safe to say that the day my first child was born was the day I no longer could call myself a morning person. My boys have fought sleep with all their might ever since they were born, which makes for a very tired mommy who despises mornings.

After getting both of the boys back in their beds I crawled back into my own warm bed and laid there, wide awake. I've had a lot on my mind as I heard some news yesterday that punctured my heart. One of my very best friends from elementary school and beyond had just given birth to her son at just 23 weeks pregnant. It was completely unexpected and ended in an emergency c-section. He is a little fighter and doctors are amazed by his strength. This hit too close to home and there have been several times when I just can't stop the tears from coming.

I laid there thinking about my sweet friend and all that she has ahead of her. My heart aches for her and I am praying my little heart out that things will be alright. Will you pray for her too? I know they could use all the prayers they can get at this time.

After not being able to fall back to sleep I decided to get up early and get ready for the day. Just like the days from my youth. And you know what? It feels good. I may even try to make a habit out of getting up before the boys to enjoy this quiet, peaceful moment in the day before the chaos begins.

p.s. Hil's Blog got a makeover! Click on over and join the party if you are reading this in a reader.

Hil's Blog with a purpose.

2012-02-19T21:30:00.000-08:00

A double rainbow spotted somewhere between here and my parents house on our road trip a few years back.

When I first started Hil's Blog it was meant to be a place where I could come and write about anything I wanted. It didn't really have much purpose behind it, except for providing a place for my recipes, thoughts and experiences to all mingle together.

A year after starting this blog I discussed the topic of finding joy and four months after that I added it as my tagline. However, it wasn't until five short months after that when I would truly need to make a conscience effort to implement the task of finding joy on a daily basis.

Five months after adding that tagline to Hil's Blog, we lost our little Michael. When that happened, it felt as though all of the joy in my life had been sucked dry. Greif was thick and heavy and all consuming. There were days when it was a struggle to even breath through the heart ache. I turned to my blog as an outlet for my thoughts and emotions during that time. I wrote of my struggles and pains and wrote of peoples kindnesses towards our family. It was incredibly cathartic and possibly one of the best things I could have done for myself during that trial. I needed to talk about it. I needed to tell Michael's story. I didn't feel like I could do that face to face with many people, knowing that the whole situation made them uncomfortable. By writing it on my blog, people had a choice to listen.

I was completely blown away with the response I got during that time from readers who truly cared about my family's situation. I made dear friends during that trying time in my life, friends who don't realize how much their words, actions and prayers meant to me.

I've thought a lot about this blog in the last few months. Ideas of getting rid of it all together have crossed my mind more than once. The blogging world can be a toxic one if you allow it. But there was something deep down inside of me telling me to not give up. To keep telling my story. That sometime, somewhere, someone needs to hear it. That someone may just be 40 year old me down the road, re-reading about my life and experiences. I know I will be grateful that I recorded it and grateful for the reminders. Or it may just be the woman on pinterest who is trying to find a good sugary recipe and happened to find it here! But it very well may be that mother who just lost her own baby and needs to know that she is not alone in her heartache. And to me, that would make it all worth it.

I love that this blog helps remind me to find joy in every day life. Each time I sat down at my computer to write about Michael, I saw that tagline "finding joy" and it reminded me to do just that. I also love what my amazing neighbor, Millie, said while helping me teach my lesson last Sunday. She mentioned the fact that joy will not just be handed to us in our laps, we have to actually seek it out. It is there, waiting for us to find it in the little things. We just have to open our eyes (and hearts)and go find it.

Sopapilla Cheesecake Bars // a.k.a. the bars I can't stop eating

2012-02-17T08:41:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's the easy recipes that are the most amazing, am I right?

A couple weeks ago I came across this super simple recipe. I decided to make it seeing how I already had most of the ingredients in my fridge. Once they were finished baking the instructions told me to wait until they were completely chilled before cutting into them. However, when they came out of the oven I couldn't resist the sweet, sugary aroma that consumed both nostrils and had to try just a taste. It was with that first taste that I knew I was a gonner.

We have made these three times since and with each time we have had to find someone to share them with in order to save me from eating the entire pan. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

Sopapilla Cheesecake Bars

INGREDIENTS

2 (8 oz) packages cream cheese
2 cans Crescent rolls
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup butter, melted
1/2 cup sugar
1 tablespoon cinnamon

DIRECTIONS

Using a 9 x 13 baking pan, unroll one package of crescent roll dough and line the bottom of the pan, pinching together any seams. Mix together the cream cheese, sugar and vanilla. Spread over the crescent rolls. Unroll the other can of crescent rolls and place on top of cream cheese mixture, again pinching any seams together. Pour one stick of melted butter over the top. Mix the remaining sugar and cinnamon together and sprinkle evenly on top of the butter. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Let cool, then chill completely in the refrigerator before cutting into bars.

On being a mom.

2012-02-08T08:21:00.000-08:00

Last Friday I had one of those moments when time slowed down enough to feel as though it were standing still. My crazy, busy one year old (who is more of a monkey these days than a tiny man) fell asleep right next to me on the couch after a long day of fighting a nap. As he has never slept anywhere but his crib (I don't count his carseat because he has never slept longer than 15 minutes in it) it was quite the momentous occasion. I couldn't help but snap a quick phone shot to document this rare occurrence. I laid there breathing in his smell, listening to his deep breaths and sporadic sucks on his binky. I watched his little hand twitch ever so slightly and finally fall completely limp to his side. There is something about watching a child sleep that is so rewarding. It is then when they truly look like the sweet innocent angels sent down to bless your life on this earth.

Every night in the last four years since Little Guy was born, Jer and I have snuck into the boy's rooms and watched them sleep for a few moments. Usually a leg or two have wiggled their way out of the covers and dangle off the mattress. We re-adjust their bodies on to the beds, pull the covers back over them, turn off night lights and kiss them goodnight. After what might be considered a bad day, watching them in their innocent sleep we quickly forget about the messes that were made, the fits that were thrown, the whines and complaints that were constant and simply get to enjoy them for what they are. Sweet little boys sent to us from our Father in Heaven to raise and care for.

I know I don't get this mother thing right most of the time. There are days when I can't help but blink back the tears in frustration with myself for losing my patience or not doing enough for my boys. But in moments of quiet snuggles like I experienced on Friday I was reminded that the effort put in to trying to be a good mom is completely worth it.

Simplifying.

2012-01-06T08:19:00.000-08:00

Hot wheels and wrestles.

I've had some discussions with family and friends recently that have made me pause, want to rewind and regroup. In one of the conversations the topic was about kids and the addiction to electronics these days. My awesome sister-in-law pointed out the fact that the addiction comes from the parents. If your child sees you frequently in front of the computer, your phone, the television, etc. then that's what they think they need as well. I had probably subconsciously made that connection before, but it had never been verbalized for me until that moment.

The very next day, my siblings were all sitting around on the couch, each with smart phones in hand and a basketball game on in the background. My one year old went around to each one of them trying to get a phone. When he was unsuccessful he started to cry. I distracted him with a toy and he soon forgot about wanting a phone to play with. To me, it was a confirmation to what my sister-in-law had just said the previous night.

Technology is amazing and awesome and so incredibly useful. But it also scares me. It scares me that my children are growing up in a day in age when if you don't have some sort of electronic on in the background or in your hands, you are bored. Where teenagers don't even have the conversation skills to interview for a job because they are more use to texting and facebooking than actually talking to a human being. Where people are more and more desensitized by the games they play and the shows they watch.

My resolution, not just for the new year but for my new life (too cheesy?), is to spend less time in front of these things and more time pulling out the paints, taking a walk to the park, discovering new museums, building lego towers, racing hot wheels, reading books, baking pretzels and telling stories. Creating moments where my boys can learn, grow and explore rather than just be "entertained" is going to be my priority. It will be hard. Because, let's face it, it's so much easier (and less messy) to put on a show or set up a computer game than it is to bring out craft after craft and toy after toy to keep them entertained.

But there will be no more excuses.

Wish me luck!

p.s. I won't be updating this blog for a while, so please excuse my absence.

Homemade Hot Cocoa

2011-12-20T20:48:00.000-08:00

A couple of years ago when we still lived in Idaho, one of our neighbors brought us homemade hot chocolate. I was in absolute awe of this, not realizing it was something that could be accomplished at home (duh). I made a point to ask her for the recipe knowing it would be a good thing for this hot chocolate lover to have. I never was able to corner her for the recipe and forgot about it once summer came. That is until the following winter when our neighborhood ladies put together a cookbook. When I received my book I'd be lying if I told you it wasn't one of the first recipes I searched for. Low and behold on page five of that book laid the very recipe I had been coveting for an entire year.

This year (since we are in an entirely different state now) I decided to borrow her idea and give my new neighbors a taste of our Idaho Christmas. I wanted to find a cute way to package it and after a few minutes on Pinterest I was inspired and came up with this:

What do you think? Cute? I like the way they turned out and am glad I was able to find the big quart jars so that it could hold enough servings for a big family if needed. They were super easy to do I just made the tags in photoshop, threaded some cute ribbon through them and then added a Christmasy scrapbook paper top. So easy. The thing that made them extra cute was our personal little delivery man:

He practiced saying "Merry Christmas!" and handing the jars over before we left. The neighbors loved it!

Homemade Hot Cocoa

1 box (1 lb, 10 oz) non fat dry milk (11 cups)
4 cups sifted confectioner's sugar
2 (8 oz) jars flavored non dairy creamer (I used Hazelnut this time but there are lots of options)
1 (11 oz) jar non dairy creamer (3 cups)
1 box (1 lb) chocolate milk mix - like Nestle Quick (2 cups)

In a very large bowl (find your biggest mixing bowl and then get an even bigger one, seriously this makes a ton!) combine all ingredients, stir until well blended. Store in an air tight container. Give with serving instructions. Yeild: about 19 1/2 cups of cocoa mix.

To serve: Add 3 heaping tablespoons to 6 oz. hot water.

The best cup of hot chocolate.

2011-12-11T21:34:00.000-08:00

During the winter months I become somewhat obsessed with hot, chocolately drinks. Every evening before bed I warm myself up a mug of water (or milk if I'm being daring) and enjoy a nice drink of hot chocolate before I go to bed. It produces excellent padding and insulation during the cold winter months. Trust me. Big sweaters and sweat pants become my best friends. I have had some really good cups of hot chocolate in years past, however, I think I may have found my favorite concoction yet. Allow me to share, since that is precisely what I would do if you had come over to my house this evening.

Best Cup of Hot Chocolate

What you will need:

1 festive mug full of hot water
3 table spoons of Stephen's Gourmet Hot Cocoa in Milk Chocolate
a splash (or two.. or three...) of amaretto flavored coffee creamer
1 nice big swirl of Reddi Wip

What you do:

Stir hot chocolate mix into the hot water. Use a milk frother if you have one. Add a splash (or two.. or three...) of amaretto flavored coffee creamer. Taste, make sure there is enough amaretto flavoring to your liking. Then add a little more for good measure. Top it all off with a nice big swirl of Reddi Wip. Spray some in your mouth straight from the canister and put it back in the fridge before anyone notices. Snuggle up on the couch to watch a good movie or even just the news. It won't matter what your watching. The hot chocolate will be so good you won't be paying any attention to what's on the television. Instead you'll be dreaming of all things joyful and good in life. Including the yummy mug of chocolate in your hands. Enjoy!

Lunch time around here...

2011-12-07T21:44:00.000-08:00

... can get rather silly.

Actually, if we are being honest, it's not just lunch time that gets silly around here!

I love these boys of mine.

a recap of November, instagram style.

2011-12-01T09:15:00.000-08:00

1 :: the boys and I sat outside in the car after meeting with the title company while daddy went into the bank. the house buying process turned out to be much more complicated than anyone ever tells you!
2 :: we are finally home owners! we got the keys just two mintues before the moving truck arrived with our stuff. talk about perfect timing.
3 :: Grandma came to help unpack (she also came for some cuddle time with the grandkids). we loved having her here and were sad to see her go.
4 :: the very last box was unpacked just one day after the moving trucks arrived. thanks to family who came to our rescue and helped out big time!
5 :: Tiny's tooth marks in a banana. I love that gap of his.
6 :: received our very first package in the mail at our new home. salted caramel hot chocolate on a stick from ticketkitchen.com. oh so good. a huge thanks to sweet Amber for the perfect house warming gift!
7 :: prepping for Tiny's first birthday. we kept it very low key and it was awesome.
8 :: when I say low key, I mean it. we bought the cake from Costco!
9 :: I'm pretty sure Tiny loved his cake. he just ate the frosting off of it for the longest time, but eventually dug in. he was savoring every single bite.
10 :: we headed to Idaho for Thanksgiving with Jer's family. I had my very first Black Friday shopping experience. the highlight was seeing these two kiddos with their daddies as content as can be. we lucked out bringing such happy kids along!
11 :: this guy slept for about 15 minutes during the trip home. he screamed bloody murder for the remaining 3 hours. he still hates the car... and I'm starting to as well. hoping that whole "beam me up, scotty" thing comes to real life soon.
12 :: Jer's brother came to help put Christmas lights up last weekend. they did a great job and finished in under an hour. impressive.
13 :: oh didn't you know? it's Halloween around here. all. the. time.
14 :: we ate leftover birthday cake to celebrate Michael's birthday. we lit a candle and sang happy birthday to him. Little Guy loved it!
15 :: my little "helper".
16 :: I love waking up to this scene each morning. we are so excited and ready for Christmas in our new home!