Hil's Blog

The Beginnings.

2010-02-08T10:30:00.000-08:00

picture from flickr

It all started at a little call center in Rexburg, Idaho. I was working full time as a customer service rep, fresh out of high school. And I mean fresh. out. of. high. school. I had moved there just a few weeks after graduation and started working a 6:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. shift. Talk about being thrown into the real world! I worked at that position all summer and fall until I finally started school that winter (I was on the winter/summer track).

I had lots of fun dating that summer, not being committed to one single guy seemed to have it's benefits. I did have a boyfriend during the fall semester however, a boy I had met from the ward. We had dated for about 4 months and (I thought) things were going just dandy.

One day before Christmas, while at work, I was on the phone with a customer when this guy from one of the other customer service teams came up and put me on what was called "not ready". The "not ready" button was to be used for quick breaks, like going to the bathroom or getting a drink. The result was him hanging up on my customer. I couldn't stop laughing out of sheer disbelief that he had just hung up on one of my customers, possibly affecting my quality assurance score. Apparently he didn't know I had a customer on the line, but had a pretty good laugh himself.

He then asked me if I would like to go get ice cream sometime. It seemed innocent enough, and I love me some ice cream, so I gave him my number. Looking back I realize this probably wasn't the nicest thing to do as I already had a boyfriend at the time, but there was something about this guy. I couldn't put my finger on it just yet, but he interested me and I wanted to get to know him.

He ended up calling me during Christmas break and asked if I wanted to meet up with him at the mall where he and his roommate were doing some Christmas shopping. I had to do some Christmas shopping of my own, so I agreed. I ended up bringing my little sister along with me, mostly because I was nervous to be with two guys I had never spoken more than 10 words to.

We only spent about 30 minutes at the mall with them and helped his roommate pick out a shirt for his girlfriend. On the way home my sister told me how incredibly cute this guy was and how I should dump my current boyfriend for him. I believe she actually said that if I didn't marry him, she would.

Little did she know she was saying that about her future brother-in-law.

To be continued...

This post is part of a mini series telling about mine and my husband's love story. Read the intro here.

We interrupt our regular scheduled programing..

2010-02-08T08:14:00.000-08:00

..to let you know about a giveaway over at marta writes. My wonderful friend, Marta, is featuring Simply Yours Designs on her blog today for a giveaway of $30 to my shop.

Head on over to enter and be sure to tell her hello from me! It also might be nice to thank her for the chance to win, she is the best.

The giveaway ends today.

In honor of Valentine's week...

2010-02-07T20:48:00.000-08:00

I thought it might be good to document how my husband and I met through a mini series of blog posts this week, seeing how it is the week before Valentine's Day. The idea came to me this evening as I was going through an old box of things and came across the very first Valentine's Day gift my husband ever gave to me (it also happens to be the very best).

We had only been "officially" dating for a little over a month by the time Valentine's Day arrived. My husband (then boyfriend) gave me the most thoughtful gift: a journal that he had filled with copies of actual entries from his own personal journal since the first day we met. Each entry was completed with an illustration at the top of the page (which I thought was completely adorable).

This book happens to be one of my most cherished gifts as it tells our story from my husband's perspective. I love to think that this book will be handed down to our children and grandchildren and they will be able to read about how their parents and grandparents met, and the love we had for each other.

I decided it was about time that my side of the story was recorded. Ironic how it is the same story for each of us, yet we both tell it so differently. Maybe this is what that "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" book was all about? I don't know. I've never read it. I do know that last time I checked, men and women are both from Earth and there isn't any sign of human life (or any life?) on Mars or Venus, but whatever.

Stay tuned. This week should be fun.

Michael's Big Heart

2010-02-05T13:19:00.000-08:00

Ever since we found out our little Michael had what is called Ebstein's Anomaly I have searched the internet high and low for information on the condition. It is such a rare heart condition that there isn't much information out there about it and not even our doctor at Primary Children's could tell us much about how or why Michael had it.

We only knew the name of Michael's heart condition for less than a week before we lost him. This meant that I didn't have a whole lot of time to research before being thrown into the most heart wrenching experience of my life. It wasn't until several weeks later that I remembered a site that I had found during that week of researching.

The site I had came across was for the Ebstein's Anomaly Foundation, a foundation who says:

"We will accomplish our goals by funding research to advance the diagnosis, treatment and prevention of this rare congenital defect. Each year, we fund the most promising research under the direction of our Advisory Board. Our advisor will be doctors and institutions who are dealing with Ebstein's cases as well as other congenital heart defects on a daily bases."

I wanted to donate every last penny of my savings toward this foundation to provide more hope for Ebstein's patients in the future. Unfortunately, medical bills from Primary Children's, the hospital where Michael was delivered, the doctor and the echocardiograms were arriving in piles. So, I had to get creative on how to help this foundation.

I came up with the idea of creating one of my premade templates and dedicating it to my sweet Michael. Each time Michael's Big Heart Template is purchased, 100% of the earnings will go towards the Ebstein's Anomaly Foundation.

Also, for the month of February (since it is the month for hearts), 20% of all premade template orders will go towards the foundation.

You can purchase the template here.

If you would rather just donate to the foundation than purchase the template, you can do so here.

woulda, shoulda, coulda

2010-02-04T23:09:00.000-08:00

I was planning on a great post for tonight, but instead got caught up in reading a bunch of different blogs. Each of these blogs seemed to have two reoccurring themes - they all were either about pregnancy or babies who are in the hospital fighting and recovering.

All of which are progressing and doing well.

I truly couldn't be happier for those sweet little babies and their families. It helps me heal to see so many successful pregnancies and healthy babies. My prayers are with them that their parents will never have to experience the pain that comes with losing a child.

It makes me miss my Michael.

So, instead of an awesome post tonight, I'll shoot for tomorrow. Better late than never!

Babies

2010-02-03T16:25:00.000-08:00

I saw this movie trailer when my husband and I went to The Blind Side (great movie by the way). I couldn't help but tear up a little, something I seem to do quite often lately when it comes to babies. Sheesh, I can't even go to the movies without being bombarded by reminders of the fact that I don't have a baby in my arms.

The movie Babies looks adorable, you can't help but smile while watching the preview. I love that a Sufjan Stevens song is in the background.

The movie follows four babies in four different parts of the world. I am so excited for it to hit theaters as I am sure it will be absolutely endearing.

After all, I do love babies.

We're home.

2010-02-02T22:09:00.000-08:00

We are home from our week stay down south. It was wonderful and a much needed break from this frozen tundra. Little Guy and I had fun playing, shopping, sleeping, laughing and being with family (even though the poor guy was sick the entire week!) I missed my husband like crazy, but he stayed behind to be the responsible adult with work and school.

The first thing I did when I got home (after giving my hubby a big smooch) was throw my new towels in to wash and hung my new shower curtain. I really love the change and it now has me thinking about what other rooms I can revamp.

I have been catching up with the blogs in my reader and came across this beautiful post. I absolutely love the quote Natalie has posted:

"Indeed, there are times when the only way the path can be followed is on one's knees." - Neil A. Maxwell.

It has got me thinking about my Michael tonight, as many things just seem to do. I have thought about how the experience has brought me to my knees so many times, not knowing where else to go. Being on my knees has brought great comfort during times of heartache and sadness. It has allowed me to express gratitude in times when tender mercies were granted. It has made me stand a little taller. It has helped me feel my Father's love. It has made me feel closer to the son who is no longer with me.

Most importantly, it has made me realize just how close Heaven really is.

I'm so excited that it is finally February. I have been planning something for this month ever since we found out about Michael's heart condition and can't wait to finally get it started. I will be revealing it in the next few days but first I must get caught up on the mountains of laundry from our trip. Stay tuned.

Vacation + Homemade Playdough = Happiness

2010-01-29T22:41:00.000-08:00

Nothing beats being on vacation and playing with homemade playdough that your mom helped your son make. We are having lots of fun despite the fact that Little Guy came down with a nasty cold/flu the first day we got here.

We went shopping today and I did something that I usually have a hard time doing. I spent money on something I wanted, not necessarily something I needed. My bathroom is getting a total makeover as a result. Thank you T.J. Maxx for making this possible.

Who knew someone could be so excited over a new shower curtain and a couple of towels?

A Letter to Michael - Two Months

2010-01-27T22:42:00.001-08:00

Dear Michael,

Today marks two months since we held you in our arms for the first time... and said our goodbyes. Not a whole lot has happened since then, but I think we prefer it that way for now. I still think of you every day. And night for that matter... do I ever think about you at night. Nights are the hardest time for me. My mind always brings the memories of you right to the very front the second my head hits that pillow.

I think about the day I found out I was pregnant, the ultrasounds, the Primary Childen's visit, the loss, the induction, the labor, the delivery and the burial. All things that either bring tears to my eyes or cause my heart to ache, or both. But you know what my absolute favorite memories are? The moments when I was able to hold you in my arms, kiss your sweet little forehead and tell you that I love you.

I do love you, Michael. So much.

I'm so grateful to have had you in my life. You have changed it forever, for the good, and I am forever grateful.

Losing you has made it impossible for me to fall asleep, made me break down into tears more times then I can count, caused me to smell your blanket each night in hopes that I will catch any sign of your scent, and made me feel a pain that is so deep and so raw that I wish it upon no other person on this earth.

Yet, losing you has made me feel more love than I have ever felt before. It has made my faith firm, and it has strengthened my relationship with our Heavenly Father.

The pain that I felt when I found out we had lost you is still there and is very real. But it is numbed by the knowledge I have that I will be able to see you again someday. I am so grateful to our God who has made that possible.

I miss you Michael. Thank you for all of the lessons you have taught and will continue to teach. Thank you for making me a better person.

I love you forever,
Mom

Thai Chicken Curry

2010-01-24T21:39:00.000-08:00

I finally made the curry tonight. It was delicious and turned out great (surprisingly). So, as promised here is the recipe.

Before sharing though, there are a few things I need to confess:

1. I'm not actually 100% sure this is necessarily a Thai Chicken Curry as my title says. But it tastes identical to the curry from our favorite Thai restaurant... so I've decided to call it that.

2. I am horrible at taking food photos. I can never make them look appetizing (especially if it is yellow!). I like to blame it on the lighting, but I know it's usually just my lack of photography and photoshop skill. So, please don't decide whether you are going to make this stuff based on my photos. Rather, base it off of me telling you that this is some really good curry.

3. I am a messy cook. When I cook, my kitchen looks like a tornado hit. It doesn't matter if I am making a full on three course meal or just baking cookies, my kitchen ends up looking like a disaster. I try to clean as I go along, but that's usually when I screw things up because I wasn't paying enough attention. I don't know why I thought you should know that, but I feel much better now that it is out on the table (literally).

Here is the recipe from my mom:

Thai Chicken Curry

2 3/4 cups coconut milk
3 T. yellow curry paste or dried curry
4 chicken breasts (boneless) cut into bite size chunks
2 cups chicken broth
2 med. potatoes cut into bite size chunks ( about 1 1/2 cups)
1 onion cut into thick wedges (about 1 cup)
1/2 cup chopped carrots (or more if desired)
2 T. fish sauce or 1 tsp. salt
2 T.palm sugar or brown sugar

Cook one cup coconut milk to a gentle boil over medium-high heat. Cook 2 to 3 minutes until it begins to thicken and becomes fragrant.

Add curry paste and cook 2 to 3 minutes, pressing and stirring to dissolve it into the coconut milk.

Add the chicken and cook another minute or two tossing to coat with the sauce.

Add remaining 1 3/4 cups of coconut milk, the chicken broth, potatoes, carrots, onions, fish sauce, and the sugar and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to maintain a lively simmer and cook stirring now and then, until the chicken is cooked and the potatoes and carrots are tender. About 6 to 8 minutes.

Serve over rice.

Happy cooking!

It helped to watch this lady make her curry before I started. My mom sent me the link and even though her recipe isn't same as the one above, it is similar enough to at least get an idea of what to do!

Coding Issues

2010-01-23T07:04:00.000-08:00

Thanks to HayHay, it was brought to my attention that my blog button was directing people to the wrong blog. That's my crazy brain for ya. It is now fixed, so if you currently have my button just replace it with the new coding provided below or on the sidebar.

...Oh, and don't forget to enjoy the rest of your weekend! As for the curry... I think tonight could be the night. Cross your fingers.

I give up.

2010-01-22T00:13:00.000-08:00

It is past midnight here and I went to bed over an hour ago. I finally gave up on trying to fall asleep and I'm sure my husband didn't appreciate hearing me toss and turn non stop. So here I sit on my couch in the dark with my laptop, hoping to get some of my thoughts out so that I can finally have some peace of mind and go to sleep. Night time really is the worse time for me. For some reason my brain feels the need to think about every little last thing before I fall asleep. It drives me nuts.

Tonight I was thinking about our appointment at Primary Children's. I can still feel the pain of that visit each time I think about it. I'm not sure how I was able to keep composure as the doctor told us that we were going to lose our son to Ebstein's. Thank goodness for my pregnant body and having to use the restroom right after so that I could have some time to myself. I sobbed good and hard in that bathroom stall. I'm sure the lady next to me was wondering what my problem was.

I remember telling my mom, sister and sister-in-law later that evening that I felt like a ticking time bomb. It wasn't a matter of if we lose him anymore, it was a matter of when. Little did I know then that I only had less than a week left with my little boy and in exactly one week from that day I would give birth to my stillborn son.

It all happened so fast and just seems like a blur. Maybe that is one reason why I have such a hard time not thinking about it now... because I didn't have much time to think about it then. It went like this: we met with the specialist here in town on a Wednesday, he made an emergency appointment for us with Primary Children's that Friday, we had another appointment here on the following Wednesday, we lost Michael that night, Thursday it was confirmed to us that we had in fact lost him, Friday I was induced and gave birth and Saturday we buried our little angel baby.

I can't help but cry as I think back on these events and how everything happened so quickly. There have been a few times when I have a hard time believing that it all actually really happened. I suppose that is one reason why I am so grateful to have so many tangible reminders of my baby.

As crazy as it may sound, I believe it was a blessing that it happened during the time frame that it did. That week between the appointment and the induction was one of the hardest weeks of my life (second only to the following weeks after we lost our baby). It was difficult answering people's questions of whether we knew if it was a boy or girl, did we have a name picked out, when was my due date, etc. etc. There was the constant battle in my head as to whether I tell them about my situation or just play along and pretend like everything was happy and good in the world. Then there were the times when I was alone and couldn't control the sobs. It was just a horrible week.

I know that my son isn't with us right now because it was God's will. However, that knowledge doesn't make me miss my baby any less. As my sweet aunt whose twins were stillborn said, a mother's love is constant. Others will forget about him, but Michael will always be with me in my thoughts and in my prayers until that beautiful day when I can hold him in my arms once again.

Fresh Salsa

2010-01-20T19:38:00.000-08:00

No curry tonight. Instead we stuffed ourselves full of our favorite salsa for dinner. I would love to tell you that I made this salsa from scratch and could give you the recipe, but the truth is that we bought it from our favorite mexican restaurant. We splurged and bought a whole tub full tonight. Yuh-um.

This stuff is my weak spot lately. It is so yummy and so fresh and so spicy. Seriously the best salsa we have ever come across. I think my brother has even been quoted saying he could drink it, it's that good. Not only is it the yummiest snack, but I love that I can justify eating a lot of it by telling myself that I am getting my daily servings of veggies.

On another note, we took a stroll through Target tonight and came upon their bulk section. Talk about awesome! We are one of the few families that actually doesn't own a membership to any of the bulk stores, so we decided to do a little stocking up. We are now set for a while with toilet paper, cleaning products and apple juice. Whoohoo.

Preview

2010-01-19T19:59:00.000-08:00

It's been a crazy week. Kind of scary to think that it is only Tuesday. Hopefully the rest of the week will calm down some. Today I got my hair cut. I added some bangs because I was desperately wanting something new for my hair but didn't want to chop it off quite yet. Thanks to Megan who talked me into it, without really talking to me but rather led by example.

After the hair cut I made dinner for a family who recently had a bouncing baby boy. Aside from the fact that I accidentally added one tablespoon of salt instead of the 2 teaspoons it called for, preparation went well. When I dropped the food off I was able to take a peak at the sweet little baby. He was just a week old and completely lost in dreamland at that moment. As I gazed down at his innocence, I couldn't help but be reminded of my sweet little baby that I was able to hold in my arms just seven weeks ago. It's crazy isn't it? What these babies do to our hearts? We can't help but love them to pieces and want to shower them with kisses.

I'm hoping this week slows down so that I can finally try the yellow curry recipe my mom sent me via email. It took me about a week to find all of the ingredients it calls for and now that I have them I can't wait to give it a try. If things all work out and it is as tasty as my mom promises (which it will be just as long as I don't mess things up -like I did with the salt earlier today) then I will post some pictures and the recipe. If it doesn't work out, I'll still probably post about it.

It's all about keeping it real around here.

Postnatal Appointment

2010-01-15T12:26:00.000-08:00

Little Guy sporting his "cheeeese" face.

Wednesday was an interesting day. I had my six week postnatal appointment and went with no new baby in-tow. My husband came and watched Little Guy for me, they hung out in the waiting room and played with the fishies. The nurse took my vitals and asked if I wanted them to weigh me. I decided sure, why not? It will hopefully give me more motivation to continue working out and eating better. Wrong. It just depressed me. It's hard telling myself that it's okay to have some extra weight, I just had a baby for crying out loud. Hard only because I have no baby to show for it.

I sat in the room waiting for the doctor to come in for about 30 minutes. In that 30 minutes I looked around the room. It was weird being there. Last time I was there we had just broken the news from our Primary Childrens visit to my doc that our little Michael had Ebstein's Anomaly and wasn't expected to make it to full gestation. We had discussed plans on what we would do should he not make it (where we wanted to deliver and so on). Our doctor let us listen to our little boy's heart beat with the doppler. It was strong and healthy and gave us hope.

I spotted the doppler on the counter and had an empty feeling as I thought about how it would remain there for the rest of the appointment. I thought about my new little nephew and how truly happy I was for his parents and siblings. Happy that they weren't experiencing any pain, only joy and happiness for a new healthy baby boy. I couldn't help but envy them just a little.

My sister-in-law and I were pregnant at the same time over two years ago when I had my Little Guy and she had her C. They were just six months apart. We were excited to have another set of cousins close in age this time around. She was to have her little boy first and then two months later our Michael would make his debut. It obviously didn't work out as planned. Instead, our sweet little Michael came early. I'm sure it was hard for her, watching us go through our experience, seeing how it was so close to home.

My thoughts then went on to how my life had changed since that moment in the hospital when we found out we had lost our little boy. I like to think the experience has made me stronger, more compassionate, more loving, more aware of my surroundings, more able to recognize my blessings and more understanding of my Heavenly Father's love for each of us. I can't help but want to live a better life.

The doctor eventually came in to the room. By that time I was close to an emotional wreck, but was somehow able to keep composure. He asked me how things were going and if I was healing emotionally. I told him that I felt like I was. He was very understanding and told me that it would take some time as this was a difficult thing to experience. I am so grateful for him, he has been so great during this whole process. He then did his thing and told me things look normal and healthy and sent me on my way.

I met my husband and Little Guy out in the waiting room. Little Guy greeted me with a huge smile and big bear hug. I held on tight to him, grateful he was in my life. As I drove home with him buckled up in the back, I couldn't help but think about how refreshing those 30 minutes alone were. It gave me some quiet time to reflect and recognize, once again, just how truly blessed I am.

*As for this weekend it will be a time of reflection, once again. We just received our pictures of Michael from the photographer today and I can't help but think about those precious moments we had with our son. I am so grateful that we have them to remind us of the sweet tender mercies.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation

2010-01-12T08:30:00.000-08:00

(Picture taken from source)

I couldn't sleep last night. This seems to be a reoccurring thing in my life lately. My husband and I ended up having a pretty deep conversation right before bed. He still fell asleep within three seconds but I couldn't get my mind to shut down.

The next thing I knew I was back at that night when I gave birth to Michael. A scene that has been played over and over in my mind over the last 6 weeks. I hadn't cried too much that day while I was in labor. At least not as much as I expected to. I would cry, however, whenever I thought about how after all this pain was over with, I wasn't going to have the reward of hearing a baby cry. Instead it would be silent.

It wasn't until it was time for me to push when I finally let the tears come. I couldn't help but sob through the rest of the delivery. Not because I was in pain physically (thank you epidurals), but because I was in pain emotionally. It was a mortifying thing, giving birth to my stillborn son. It wasn't until they placed my sweet little boy in my arms when I finally felt some peace from the suffering I had just been through.

His perfect little body was warm in my arms. He was a lot bigger than I had expected him to be. I couldn't help but just stare at my precious little boy. He was perfect. His nose and mouth looked just like Little Guys did when he was a baby. He had ten fingers and ten toes. He had the tiniest little fingernails and toenails. His ears were adorable. His eyes were closed and he looked so peaceful. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I told him I loved him and kissed his forehead.

Those moments we had with him were precious. I believe they have really helped me in the healing process. Actually being able to hold him, touch him and give him kisses allowed my broken heart to mend. We were so blessed to have been told about a service that is offered to parents of children who are stillborn or die as infants called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep - NILMDTS. It is a foundation where over 7,000 photographers from the United States and 25 countries offer their time and talent to take pictures of these sweet babies at no cost.

You can watch the TODAY Show special on this wonderful foundation, here. Grab some tissues.

Our photographer was so incredibly sweet and respectful of our situation. I can hardly wait to get our pictures back from her. I have been a fan of hers for so long, she is a very prominent photographer around here and I never imagined I would ever get any pictures taken by her. She is very busy and the fact that she took time at ten o'clock that night (after she had just finished up at a wedding) to come and take pictures of our sweet baby truly touched our hearts. Words can't express how grateful I am to have had those precious moments captured in pictures for us to have always.

I'm not really sure where I am going with this post, I suppose I just needed to write down my thoughts that I had last night so that hopefully I can get through another day (and get a better night's sleep tonight). Part of me wants to apologize for the sob fest this blog has become. However, another part of me feels like I shouldn't apologize because this it just my life right now. It is what I deal with every single day when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed each night. I wouldn't feel right about avoiding the subject, as this is a sort of journal of my life.

I do want to end by saying how grateful I am for the comfort that can come through prayer and the hope that I will one day see my boy again.

New Favorites for a New Year

2010-01-11T09:11:00.000-08:00

:: Pink Fresh and Clean Perfume. I picked my friend up for a girls night one night and when she got in the car a wave of smelly goodness hit my nose. I asked her what she was wearing, and it happened to be this perfume. It immediately went on my Christmas wish list. It smelled wonderful! I love wearing it. It is just the right mix of subtle and awesome.

:: Old Navy Yoga Pants. Old Navy was having an awesome sale on all of their activewear this weekend. I picked up 2 pairs of yoga pants and some running capris. I'm pretty sure my husband is going to regret ever allowing me to buy them as they will be the only pants I will wear from now on. Talk about comfortable.

:: Lindsay Brin's Postnatal Boot Camp. This was the main reason why I bought the yoga pants. I have been doing this DVD for two weeks now, I will be starting week three this week. I can't tell you how much I love it. I am so completely uncoordinated when it comes to work out dvd's, but somehow I can actually keep up with this one and still feel like I got a great workout at the end of it. Lindsay and I had a sort of product exchange when I designed her blog, and I am so glad we did! Here's to losing all that baby weight...

:: Cuties Clementines. I have gone through two bags of these already since the new year. They are SO yummy and the perfect little snack to help curb your cravings for something sweet.

:: Arstid Table Lamps from IKEA. We finally got bedside lamps for our bedroom after going 4 years without any. The in-laws gave them to us for Christmas and I am absolutely in love. It has been so nice to have them so that I can read to get sleepy while my husband snoozes away (he can fall asleep in 3 seconds flat, I on the other hand take about 30 to 60 minutes on a good night).

:: Skookies. I love my skookie skillets! My mom gave them to us for Christmas and we have already made good use of them. Many of you asked what a skookie was after reading my New Years Eve post. They are a cookie baked in a skillet, topped with ice cream, caramel and fudge. They are dangerously good... and addictive. Aside from cookies, you can make mini pizza's and omelets in these babies.

:: My First Book of Mormon Stories. Little Guy got this book for Christmas and has been obsessed with it ever since. He walks around the house saying "Nephi" and "Alma" (which cracks me up) and always requests it before bedtime. It does a wonderful job of summarizing stories from the Book of Mormon for little kids. If you would like a copy of the adult version of this book, go here and scroll down to the bottom. It's one of my personal favorites.

:: Our bed. This thing got a major upgrade this Christmas. My husband's parents got us a 3-inch memory foam topper, which was heavenly just on it's own. But then we also got a featherbed from my parents, which made it even more heavenly. We now have to run and jump in order to get into our bed. I love it so much I would be happy to just stay in it all day everyday. Good thing I have a toddler to drag me out of it and keep me going.

Plans

2010-01-08T12:12:00.000-08:00

Friday's are always just a little hard for me. They mark one more week that we have lived without our sweet little Michael. Today makes a total of six weeks. I feel like my heart is healing though. There are more good days than bad and I haven't had a good hard cry in a while. Not because I have been putting it off or avoiding it (I don't think), but just because I haven't felt the need to. I'm sure the time will come again when I do, but for now I feel at peace.

The other day I was thinking about how I was supposed to be 27 weeks pregnant this week. But then I thought about how I obviously wasn't supposed to be otherwise I would be. We were supposed to lose Michael and there is a reason for why things turned out the way they did. We just won't know that reason for a while.

I am usually not a huge planner (something I should probably work on this year) but when it came to getting pregnant for the second time I really thought it out and planned it just right. The plan was to have my boys be 29 to 33 months apart. This way Little Guy would be a little older and it would make it so they were only two school years apart. We have Jr. High's here, so when Little Guy was in 9th grade, Michael would have been in 7th and they both would have been with each other for that one year. Same with in high school as a senior and sophomore. A silly reason for the age difference, I realize, but it was important to me.

Now my plans have been completely changed. I have no idea where to go from here. It's hard to know when to get pregnant again. I can't help but realize that this was a huge lesson on how we shouldn't get so caught up in our plans or what we think is best. God obviously knows more than we do and works on his own time schedule, one that is the best for us whether we realize it or not.

Hopefully we will figure things out soon so that we can start planning again. However, this time I am determined to not get too set on our plans knowing how things can change in an instant.

I felt the aching in my heart all over again when I read about baby Gavin yesterday. Burying your own child is something that I wish on no one. His family is in my prayers during their time of grief. I am so happy to see all of the love and support they have from friends and people who don't even know him (like me) who heard about this sweet boy via facebook or twitter.

Sweet Remembrances

2010-01-05T21:55:00.000-08:00

One of the many things I have learned from my experience with losing Michael is how incredibly caring people are. It never ceases to amaze me the kind acts that are done in behalf of our sweet little boy.

Over Christmas I received a package from Meg. I was led to Meg's blog through my sister-in-law, who had told me about her friend's experience right after our visit with Primary Children's. I read Meg's story just a few days before losing Michael. She lost her sweet little boy, Clayton, at 21 weeks. I remember reading her posts and sobbing uncontrollably, praying that I would not have to experience the heartache that that poor mother had gone through. Little did I know that I would be going through that very experience just days later. Meg is truly an inspiration and has been such an example to me. After losing Clayton, she was diagnosed with cancer and after a long hard road is finally in remission. Her strength is admirable.

Back to the package. Meg has a little side business where she sews the most adorable family trees. I have been in love with these from the first time I saw them. Such a cute idea! Well, Meg was sweet enough to make a tree just for Michael. It brought tears to my eyes and warmed my heart. Thank you again Meg, I absolutely adore Michael's tree.

Then, tonight, I had two special visitors who brought with them an incredible dinner, complete with taco salad and the fluffiest lemon cheesecake I have ever had. YUM. They are both girls that I went to elementary, jr. high, and high school with. I hadn't seen them in ages and it was so great to catch up with them both. They both just recently had little babies within the last couple of months and are such great mommies.

Not only did they bring dinner with them, but a cute little gift bag. As I opened it and pulled out what was inside I had to fight back the tears. Inside was the most beautiful necklace with Michael's name and birth date.

I am so happy to have these things as little reminders of my sweet baby boy around my home and in my life. I truly am touched by and grateful for these beautiful acts of kindness. Thank you, thank you.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-04T09:58:00.000-08:00

We had a pretty low key new years celebration. We decided to stay home and have a little family party complete with sparkling cider, pizza, scookies and Band Hero.

Little Guy is obsessed with playing the drums, and actually holds a pretty good beat. I had fun pretending I was Taylor Swift and the hubs rocked the guitar. It was a fun way to ring in the New Year.

Hope you all had a very happy New Year!

Another Year

2009-12-31T10:23:00.000-08:00

Another year is on the horizon and I am once again sitting here in my sweats thinking about what I have accomplished and learned in the last twelve months. 2009 was a bittersweet year. As I look back on the events of the year, I can't help but be filled with gratitude for the things I learned.

:: because of the scary economic times our country saw this year, I find myself being even more grateful than usual that my husband still has a job.

:: being alone for 2 to 3 nights out of the week pays off. my husband got through yet another year of school, leaving only one more to go until he achieves his MBA.

:: two year olds are way too much fun and provide much laughter.

:: vacations are well worth the money spent and help create so many memories.

:: sometimes things don't happen on your time schedule. we were so blessed to be able to get pregnant after months of hoping.

:: there is so much to be learned through our trials and the trials of others.

:: there aren't many things in this life that you can do on your own.

:: life truly is a miracle.

:: I took good health for granted, until someone I love was not blessed with it.

:: it's okay to leave dishes in the sink, clothes in the dryer, the bed unmade and soap scum in the shower to spend time with your child. they grow up way too fast to miss those precious moments.

:: two new additions to our extended family makes it feel that more complete and reminds me just how special families are.

:: I don't have to be an excellent cook, just the fact that I try makes my husband happy.

:: sleep is definitely NOT over-rated, especially if I plan on being happy the next day.

:: through trials we are able to learn, grow and recommit to being a better person. we can find so much strength through prayer.

:: finding joy in everyday life makes me happy.

I was pregnant for five out of the twelve months. Those five months were full of joy, excitement and hope as we looked forward to welcoming another baby into our family. Though things didn't work out as planned, we still feel very blessed to have had that sweet baby with us for at least those five months this year. It has made me realize (once again) how important families are and grateful that we can be together forever.

2009 was a year of joy, sorrow, trials, learning and growth. Here's to 2010, I hope to carry what I have learned into the new year and continue to move forward collecting more experiences along the way.

Wishing you all a very happy new year!

Michael's Ring

2009-12-28T22:02:00.001-08:00

When I graduated from high school, my parents gave me a pretty little maroon box after the graduation ceremony. Inside was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. I later found out my mom had helped in the design and had been sure to pick out a stone that was my favorite color. It was a pink sapphire with a small diamond as an accent. I loved it. I wasn't expecting anything at all and it was a wonderful surprise.

Fast forward to when I got engaged. I had always worn my pink sapphire on my left hand. Everyday in fact. When I got engaged I replaced the ring until I could get it resized to fit my right hand (for some reason my right hand is a bit fatter than my left..). Well, I ended up losing my ring during that time. I have absolutely no idea what happened to it and was sick to my stomach when I realized I had lost it.

Over the years I have probably expressed to my husband how sad I was about losing the ring. I know I have said on more than one occasion how I wish I still had that ring, but never thought he would (or could for that matter) do anything about it. After all, it was a custom made ring that my mom had helped design.

I haven't ever been a big jewelry person. In fact, the only jewelry I ever wear is my wedding ring and an occasional set of earrings. I am the type that would be just as happy with a big box of chocolates than a piece of jewelry. So, it was more for sentimental reasons as to why I wanted the ring again.

You can imagine my surprise as I opened a small gift Christmas morning, only to find a pretty little maroon box inside. I opened the box and was in complete shock as I stared down at the pink sapphire ring that my parents had given me so long ago. My husband then told me to look on the inside of the band. There I found an inscription that read "MLC". Michael's initials. Tears filled my eyes and I was overwhelmed with emotion.

I later found out that my husband had gone back to the same jeweler that my parents had gotten my graduation ring from. He asked them if they would be able to replicate the ring, and found out they still had the drawings and plans from the first one in their books. He requested that they make another one and after Michael's death, he went in and asked if they would be able to inscribe his initials into the ring. I am so happy that I will now always have a little reminder of him with me.

One last part of this story, is when I researched pink sapphire last night, I found out it is meant to "provide strength during difficult times". Completely fitting for our little Michael.

Thank you for the beautiful gift sweetheart. I love you so very much.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-21T14:09:00.000-08:00

Four more days until Christmas. I am over the top excited for this year's festivities. We are busily preparing for the big trip, but I wanted to take some time to say Merry Christmas before I sign off for a while!

Christmas time means it's time to pull out all the traditions. I am big on keeping traditions from my childhood and my husbands. We put up our tree after Thanksgiving, open jammies on Christmas Eve, set out a plate of sugar cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer, make my husband's favorite custard pie, watch "A Christmas Story", "Elf" and other classics, read the nativity story, drink lots of hot chocolate with extra whipped cream, etc. etc.

Some new traditions this year include sponsoring a little boy who would be Michael's same age from the giving tree at my husband's work. We also want to get a stocking for our sweet little boy that will hang with the rest of ours. Lastly, this will be the first year that Santa comes to visit Little Guy (he was too young the last couple years to really know what was going on, so we decided to skip that whole portion of Christmas). He is so excited to have Santa come and knows it means he also gets to see "duh", which is his little baby cousin Stella.

I am excited for all the festivities, but I am also trying to keep the true spirit of Christmas in my heart. I'm so grateful for the selfless life that the little babe in a manger led. His example and sacrifice was the best gift any of us could have ever received.

My heart is different this Christmas. It is aching for my baby Michael, yet so full of love. It will truly be a time for remembrance this year. But I have found so much comfort through my Savior and his atoning sacrifice. May we all live our lives a little better, love a little stronger, and give of ourselves a little more this Christmas season. Have a very merry Christmas!

Never Surrender

2009-12-17T22:18:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here tonight, once again unable to go to sleep. My thoughts are consumed with the loss, labor and delivery of Michael. I can't believe that it was 3 weeks ago that I gave birth to our still born son. Or, as I prefer to call him, our angel baby. There are nights when the pain is so raw, there is nothing I can do but allow the tears to fall down my face into my pillow. I have been having more good days then bad lately though, so I count my blessings.

Tonight is one of those nights when I can't help but let the tears come. It hurts too much to keep them in, so I have given up on the fight. Nights like tonight I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling the little kicks and jabs from my baby. I miss dreaming about what he will be like and how his big brother will react with him around.

I miss Michael.

It all started when I was folding laundry right before bedtime. Somehow my maternity jeans and sweatshirt had ended up in the mix and I realized that I needed to pack them away. They were two of the three maternity purchases I had made this pregnancy. I had worn them when we went to meet with Primary Children's. And I had worn them the day I went in for delivery.

I felt the constant pain in my heart intensify and my eyes started burning with tears once again.

It's nights like tonight when I find great comfort in messages given during the LDS general conference. It never ceases to amaze me the revelation these men receive, and the application and comfort that we can find in so many of their words. The talk I read tonight was called "The Infinite Power of Hope" by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. I wanted to share part of it that struck so deep with me.

"And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in.

Never surrender.

Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.

Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart."

So, my new goal is to never surrender. I will not give in and let despair take over my life. I am blessed with the hope that I will one day see Michael again. That death is not the end. That he will return to my arms once more. Words can't express how grateful I am for the hope of that day.

And until that day comes, I will live my life to it's best and love my family (including Michael) with everything I have, continuing on with hope.

Baby it's cold outside!

2009-12-15T12:30:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered what absolute, complete and utter bliss looks like? Well, I'm pretty sure I found it a couple days ago and thought I would share:

We have had lots of snow here, and instead of doing my usual yearly complaining I have been soaking it up. Yes, it is cold. Yes, it is a pain to drive in. Yes, it makes it so I have to mop daily. But how could I ever complain about something that makes my little guy so happy? He has a permanent smile on his face the entire time he is outside in the white fluff. He brings me his boots every morning and begs to go out and play.

It is blissful to see the excitement on his face during this time of year.