The first to pass away was Grannie.  Grannie, my mother-in-law’s mother, was just a few weeks shy of her 100th birthday.  The second is my father-in-law.  He has been fighting cancer for over a year now.  He is under hospice care as I write this, not expected to live more than a day or two.

Over the years I’ve been to way too many funerals.  It was my habit to attend the funerals when my employees suffered a loss in their family.  It was a way to show support and caring for my employee during a difficult time.

If you are like me, it is hard to find the right words. Ultimately people whose loved ones have passed are simply appreciative that you show up to support them and honor their loved one.  But what do you say?

At Grannie’s funeral I found a plaque on the wall at the funeral home. It was a quote from Abraham Lincoln.  I think it may be worth making a card with this quote on it to pass along to those who are grieving.

“In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all, and it often comes with bitter agony.

Perfect relief is not possible, except with time.  You cannot now believe that you will ever feel better.  But this is not true.  You are sure to be happy again.  Knowing this, truly believing it, will make you less miserable now.

I have had experience enough to make this statement” 

Abraham Lincoln

December 23, 1862

I usually don’t put much stock in a card delivered on the day it is “supposed to show up.”  Birthday cards, Valentine’s Day Card, Boss’s day card, and so on.  Why?  Well…because somehow it has become expected…the social norm…to send a card on specific days.  It is the obligatory recognition of someone….a bit cynical?  Maybe.

But try this on.

How many cards start off with something like….”I know I don’t tell you often enough how much you mean to me, but on this special day….”

The event (birthday or whatever) reminds us to send a card to express a feeling (real or fake) that we rarely express any other time of the year. But guess what…forget to send a card on the right day and you will hurt someone’s feelings.  People expect you to express a kind word and send a card on that “special” day.

Unfortunately, these bad habits carry over to the workplace.  Leaders scramble to figure out how to engage an increasingly frustrated, under appreciated workforce.  Consultants are hired, books are read, and yes, many blogs devote multiple posts to increasing workers “engagement.”  We increase the “employee appreciation budget” to shower employees with company branded trinkets that will hardly be used.  We devise complicated recognition programs that recognize a few select “performers” and then fizzle out in six weeks.  We celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, promotions and retirements with cake, ice cream and platitudes.  Then we panic that someone got missed…why?  Because we quickly know that if you miss someone or miss an event, someone’s feelings are going to get hurt.  Employees come to expect cake, ice cream, and a branded trinket….perhaps they even feel entitled to it.

Why don’t we get the results we are looking for?

Despite our best intentions, we miss the point.  You will never get real engagement with a few select programs and an occasional piece of cake or a trinket.  Those programs do too little, too seldom for too few.

I’m not suggesting we stop sending cards or serving cake and ice cream.  What I am suggesting is we pay attention to our employees all through the year.  When they do something you like…go tell them.  Call them.  When you get an email from an employee early in the morning or late in the evening, acknowledge that you know they are going above and beyond. I’m not going to list a bunch of programs or ideas.  I really don’t want you to do what I do.  I want you to be YOU.  In your own way, regularly and genuinely appreciate your employees.  Don’t wait for a special occasion.

Get to know your employees.  Do you know what they are really proud of that they have accomplished for your company?  Do you know what they really enjoy doing at work or at home?  Do you know what they have accomplished at a previous employer?  Its okay to get a little personal.  What do they like to do outside of work?  Do they have a significant other?  Do they have kids? Over time you really should be aware of some of these items.  These are the things that make your employees uniquely them.

Those special occasion celebrations, cards and trinkets will have a lot more meaning behind them when given in context of a ongoing, regular, heartfelt atmosphere of appreciation, recognition and personalization.  A feeling that their boss knows them, cares about them, and appreciates their unique contribution to the organization and the world they live in will go further to increase employee engagement than any highly creative program you can put together.

Tonight I watched Piers Morgan interviewing Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Piers asked the former governor of California about the political campaign and specifically what President Obama and Governor Romney need to do in the debate Wednesday night. In his answer, Schwarzenegger said…(this is my paraphrase of his answer)

“President Obama doesn’t mean or believe everything he is saying in his campaign.  Governor Romney doesn’t either.  We are in a political campaign and you can’t really expect them to tell the truth.  They don’t even believe what they are saying….”

Then Schwarzenegger went on to talk about the debate…”Americans need to listen carefully to what the candidates are saying to see who is most believable.” 

I guess he meant listen to whose lies are most believable?  I’m not really sure.

Piers Morgan never challenged the premise that lying is acceptable by a President of the United States and a candidate for President of the United States.  It is as though it is expected…okay…normal.  It’s as though one of the qualifications for the job is the ability to tell a lie in the most believable fashion.

How did we get here?  Little by little… Slowly over time… truth became relative and out of vogue.  It became more important to appear authentic than be authentic.  Image became more important than ideas.  Reputation became more important that reality. 

The truth crisis isn’t limited to politics.  It exists in business (including HR), politics, organizations, governments, families and communities.  Sometimes the truth crisis is over huge issues of monumental consequence.  At other times the truth crisis is over mundane and nearly irrelevant issues. 

Regardless of the issue, we need leaders (political, business, HR, religious, etc.) who tell the truth.  And those who have the courage to tell the truth need to be rewarded, not crucified. 

As we discover and seek to live authentic lives and become more authentic leaders…let’s commit to tell the truth (and reward others who tell the truth), even if our voice shakes.

I suppose everyone’s road to authenticity is unique. My road is taking me through divorce among many other things.  I am being stripped of what I thought was preserving dignity and significance.  As painful as all this is on a personal level, I’m seeing a level of emotional health on the horizon that I didn’t even know was missing just six months ago.

I believe a designed order of events has been underway to prepare me for this journey.  I would have never expected “professional” networks could have been setting the stage for such a personal transformation.  But it is happening.  Two blogs and the people behind those blogs has been wedging concepts of authenticity into my psche.

Jason Seiden’s blog  (@seiden on twitter) introduced me the term “profersonal.”  Among many other things, his blog challenged me to stop thinking of my life in two segements…one that is professional and the other that is personal.  It was an initial challenge to my authenticity…and it made me just a bit uncomfortable.

Then Talent Anarchy (@joegerstandt and @jasonlauritsen on twitter) comes along and keeps talking about flying the “freak flag.”  What the hell.  At first I thought it might be a marketing gimmick….an attention getter.  (Sorry guys, it was just my lack of freakiness trying to figure you out!)  But the more I read their blog and after I got to see them speak I finally started getting it.  They are the antethis of gimmick.  They are about discovering and living authentic lives and setting talent free.

I’ve recently started a very challenging study with a small group of men who are seeking to deepen their authenticity.  We are using a book called “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” as a catalyst to our journey.  I’ll be honest with you…just don’t tell anyone else this…but I’m scared shitless of this part of my journey.  But I’m continuing forward because of an anticipation of raising my own freak flag.

There is something here that is deeply divine in its design in my life.  And it is profoundly critical in leadership.  Jason Seiden refers to it in terms of being profersional.  Joe and Jason talk about setting talent free.  I whole heartedly believe that the impact of our leadership is multipled many times over by the level of our authenticity.  Unfortunately, most of us mistakenly believe we “are doing fine, even if (our) relational life and interior world is not in order.” (quote from “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” by Peter Scazzero.  You can read Pete’s blog and follow him on twitter (@peterscazzero).

The blog that pulled all this together for me is written by Heather Kinzie (@LeadingSolution on twitter).  Her post, Freak Flag, so inspired me I printed it and posted it on the wall of my cube at work.  There is a lot of meat in that post.  The last sentence she wrote nailed me…”And while this authenticity comes with scars, flaws, quirks, anxiety and the occaisonal storm of swear words, I’m okay with that – they do nothing but add to the tapestry that is my Freak Flag.”  

Providence is working in my life to pull together people…can I call them mentors?…to prepare me for the right journey, at the right time.  It’s hard…it’s scary…it’s at times extremely painful and simultaneously exhilarating.

I’m on my journey, as unique as it is, to a deeper level of freakiness.  Hope to see you on the road as well!

You decide its time to get your annual physical (It’s been 3 1/2 years since your last one!) And when you tell the doctor some of these vague symptoms he decides to run a few tests.  A week later you get the news that changes everything.  You have inoperable cancer and you only have one month to live.

The church I attend in Arkansas is going through a series of messages around this premise.  Its all about living a NO REGRETS life.  If you want to listen to the series you can follow this LINK.

Although many people do, hopefully you and I will never get that kind of message from a doctor.  But can you stop for a few minutes and think about that?  What if you DID get that kind of message?   How would it focus your priorities?

I bet you’d spend more time with family and friends.  I bet you wouldn’t need to read any more books or blogs about work life balance…you’d figure it out real quick.  Would you continue to travel out on Sunday and get home late Friday?  Would you work nights and weekends?  Would miss any more of your kids school activities?

Which relationships would you mend?

Would you continue to expend time and energy on the projects at work that you struggle to find real value in for your people or your company?

How would your leadership style be impacted?

Would you quit your job?  If so, maybe you’re in the wrong job now!

What would you want your legacy to look like…at work…at home…in your community?

Most people who read this post will likely read it quickly (it’s short) and move on down the list.  I hope you are not like most people.  I hope you will take some time and really think through the questions I’ve posed.

My hope is you join me in a No Regrets life commitment.

If you feel compelled, leave a comment and share with the world what you would do differently if you were only given one month to live.

My daughter started kindergarten this year.  It’s gonna be a big year for her…possibly one of the most important…since everything you need know, you learn in kindergarten…

This poem, written by Robert Fulghum, is called “All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten”

It’s simple.  It’s profound.  And just maybe it provides a business strategy for how you treat and work with your employees.  Perhaps it helps you serve your customers. It may just be the culture that creates a winning and engaged team.

To say the last five months have been a roller coaster would be an understatement.  I’ve experienced transition in my work and my family.  I’ve moved from Illinois to Northwest Arkansas.  My established routines and relationships have been turned on there heads.

I grew up on the Gulf Coast of Mississippi.  Our family survived many hurricanes and tropical storms.  I have vivid memories of watching the Mike Reader on WLOX, Channel 5 from Biloxi forecasting storm winds, storm surge, landfall predictions, etc.

As a certainty of an approaching storm having an impact on my home town of Pascagoula increased, our preparation went into full swing.  We brought in all the lawn/patio furniture.  We packed up family pictures and high value items that could fit in the cars.  We boarded up windows.  I even remember putting furniture up on blocks for extra protection if water got in the house.  It was storm preparation.  School was cancelled.  Mom and Dad didn’t go to work.  Time and engery was intensly focused on protecting life and property.  Life didn’t get back to normal until the storm passed, storm cleanup was completed and routines were re-established.

I’ve been in a “life storm” for several months.  Preparation has included a focusing of all my energy on what has been critical to surviving the storm.

My storm is not over.  But “life storms” are different from weather storms.  Life storms are messy and often take a long time to end.  But I’m finally re-establishing routines and creating new norms.  A part of that is reconnecting to relationships, networking, reading and writing.

One thing I know about storms…they either destroy you or make you stronger.  I’m getting stronger.  Look for future posts on how to survive a storm and come out on top instead of being defined and destroyed by life’s storms.

Next week is my turn.

For nearly a year I have been e-mailing  blog posts that I feel are particularly insightful and relevant to my team.  As you can imagine I’ve gotten mixed results….some have loved reading what many of you are writing.  Others “just don’t have time” to read for 5 minutes.  Thats okay.  My goal has been to expose my team to the world of blogging and the great content that exists.

I decided to use a post written by @talentminded posted on Blogging4Jobs.com as the base for my presentation next week. The article I’m using is Embracing Mobile, Evolving Technology, & Generation C.  My goal is to explore the impacts of a digital generation on our current and future workforce, challenging existing paradigms on how we interact with our employees.  As I work on this presentation, I realize my biggest challenge will be the “naysayers.”  Those are the ones on our team that are more focused on existing rules and policies.  They sometimes struggle to see possibilities beyond what exists today.  We don’t have many of these types on our team…but there are a couple of vocal ones!

Then last night I read Jason Lauritsen’s post on “What If…?”   What a great post!  I love the way Jason used that simple start to a question to help break down barriers and discover possibilities.  So this morning I e-mailed that article out to my team…I’m planting the seed to open minds.  I’ll most definitely use the “What if…?” to push the boundries of the discussion.

This is what we have to do. We do it for ourselves and we do it for our colleagues.

Many of the “trench HR” folks in our organizations struggle to break free from “NO.”  Why?  They see themselves as policy police?  They don’t make the rules, they enforce them?  They just left an unemployement hearing…that they lost?  They just finished a deposition and are feeling the pain of the wrong boundry being pushed?  The reasons are varied.

Good people….but some days are filled with activities and challenges that makes you want to say “no” to every request and forget about innovation and pushing boundries.  For those people and those days, a little help to set aside the “no” is needed.

Take a deep breath.  Let go of the “no.”  Set yourself free to explore possibilities and dream big dreams.

My family is moving!  My wife received a new position in her company that is moving us from North Central Illinois to Northwest Arkansas.  My wife and daughter have already moved, leaving my son and me behind for now.  It is my task to “de-clutter” the house and finish remodel projects. 

It’s a crazy time in our lives, but nothing that many others have not experienced in the past, are experiencing now or may experience in the future.  There are four things that have stood out to me as we have been going through this move.

1.  Nothing is more important than family.  We all would say the same thing.  I know I have.  Now that we are three weeks apart as a family (and 4 weeks to go), the importance of those relationships and being together is more prominent in my heart and mind.  Yes, I’m missing my family.  But it is more than just me missing my family.  It’s about the stability that is created or enhanced by having the family together that I notice taking its toll on me, my wife and especially the kids.  Family is important.  Cherish the times you have together.

2.  A close second in importance is friends.  When we told our 13 year old son we were moving, he ran upstairs, slammed the door to his room and cried for half an hour.  The only thing he heard in our announcement of the move was we are ripping him away from his friends.  While he has calmed down some since then, he still reminds from time to time that “selling this house is ruining my life.”  It’s his way of expressing how important his friends are to him.  He wants to spend every spare minute with them.  For Jennifer and I the tearing away from our friends here in Illinois is no less painful…we just express it differently.  And my 4 year old has bounced back best.  She already has several new “best friends” in her new day care.  The point is this.  Don’t wait until a move separates you from friends.  Spend time and make memories with friends.  Friends help you get through rough times.  And we have certainly experienced that in preparation for this move.

3.  You don’t need all that stuff.  Junk days come once a year in our community.  This last week we cleaned out the house, basement and garage and created a huge pile of unused things we had accumulated over the past several years.  We piled it all in in one big pile by the street and the city will be coming by today to take it to a landfill.  My son and took arm loads of junk to the street.  You know what junk really is?  Junk is the things we bought that at one time we thought we absolutely had to have but that now have lost is value.  And in reality, the value was really never there…it was only perceived value.  The lesson for us has been a stark reminder that things don’t buy happiness, things are not nearly as important as you think they are.  Save your money.  Save the landfill.  And give more money away to worthy causes that are providing important services to our community.

4.  Finish it now, enjoy it now.  We’ve been in this house for six years.  When we bought it, we knew we had a lot of work today.  Our house is a brick Victorian style built in the 1870’s.  It is full of character and charm.  Much of the remodel we completed before moving in, but there were a lot of projects “put off for another day.”  Now that we are moving and have to sell the house, I’m hard at work completing all the projects.  As I look at the house now compared to even 6 weeks ago, I wonder why I didn’t get this done earlier so our family could enjoy the finished project.  Have undone projects (I’m not just talking about in your house…what about at work or in relationships)?  Make it a priority to get it done and enjoy the fruit of your labors.

Well, there you go.  Four vivid reminders of what is real all from junk days and a move.

Earlier this week I posted 13 rules for life and leadership attributed to Gen. Colin Powell.  You can read all 13 of  them here.  The 13th rule is “Perpetual Optimism is a Force Multiplier.”  I’ve been thinking about that one…

Force multipliers sound like something I want all in my work and life.  I mean really. The Dictionary of Military and Associated Terms identifies a force multiplier as a capability that, when added to and employed by a combat force, significantly increases the combat potential of that force and thus enhances the probability of successful mission accomplishment.

I think of it like this.  A force multiplier should take my best efforts and propel them so forcefully forward that success is nearly guaranteed.  Wow!  If you and I believe that such force multipliers exist, we would be fools not to apply those multipliers at every opportunity.

So now, I want to understand the significance of perpetual optimism.  According to Colin Powell, mere optimism isn’t enough to be considered a force multiplier. It takes perpetual  optimism.

So here it is…our force multiplier.

Perpetual Optimism + Your Best Efforts (hard work) = Success Multiplied!