Gardner is a Fideist, which describes anyone who uses faith to come to certain truths. William James, John Dewey, Blaise Pascal, Soren Kierkegard, were considered to have some Fideist tendencies

I am of the opinion that there are two ways of interpreting the world around you: either through faith or through logic and reason. I am way on the side of the “logic and reason” part of the spectrum. I don’t believe in ghosts, angels, the Lost City of Atlantis, heaven or hell, or the vast majority of conspiracy theories.

The book was intriguing to me because I don’t use faith in my life, for anything except trustworthy mundane information that sane and reasonable people accept on faith. For example, I do not doubt the existence of the city of Paris, France even though I have never seen it. That I accept on faith.

So since this book was a description of the use of faith in life, I approached the book with some healthy skepticism.

All in all, for the most even-handed description of our existence in this universe, this is the book for you. I don’t agree with everything he says, but I can understand how it’s possible for reasonable people to take certain things on faith, or at least treat some of “the unknowable” with some healthy consideration or agnosticism.

Gardner does not give any credence to the God of Abraham or any man-made gods. He is a Fideist. He believes in God, but that this God does not really have any real interest in human affairs. God is simply out there, and there is wonder in considering the possibilities of the unknown. His writing is very matter-of-fact and states that we have to know that our understanding of the universe has limits, and therefore a healthy consideration of a world we cannot access is possible. And that this consideration should not turn you into a raving lunatic.

I’m talking to you, Fundamentalists.

I should point out that Fideists assign a high value to science and reason, but consider the possibilities. There are no faeries, no angels, no ghosts to a Fideist, because those things are supposed to be observable in the “natural world”. Fideists (or at least Gartner) go beyond that natural world and say that there may very well be a world beyond this one that we simply don’t know, or can’t know, and is at least worth considering.

What I got from the book is that I am more agnostic about the unknown than I thought. For example, I believe that when we die, man, that’s it. You rot and turn to dust. No Pearly Gates or fuckers playing harps on clouds. No “standing before God or Jesus [or enter deity of choice here] for your judgment”. That’s it, auf wiedersehen, good-bye, sayonara, it’s the end, close the book and all that.

I still hold true to that belief, but according to Fidesim, you can’t say that definitively. I still believe it, but I think a Fideist might say that life after death is “unlikely, but possible”.

I can respect that, provided one keeps a healthy sense of indifference to whatever one considers. One should not waste their time on fanciful hopes such as life after death.

Make this world a better place.

Next book: Lost Christianities by Bart Ehrman.

So Producers have been falling all over themselves to make more of these shows for a number of reasons, namely they are cheap to produce, and there are millions of zombies that can’t get enough of them.  I’m lucky enough to have an amazing wife that eats this shit up.  Sometimes the worse it is, the better the show.

These are in no particular order.

The Real World – The Mac Daddy of reality TV… the one that started it all.  I think they’ve had 73 iterations of this one since, all with the same result: kids get drunk, screw and fight.
Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew – Same as The Real World, but these people were all once pseudo-celebrities that are older and uglier.
Intervention – A very depressing show about fucked up addicts, the fucked up family that raised them, who are now trying to fix it with cameras rolling. Intelligence eludes them.
The Real Housewives – A bunch of rich, spoiled, fake and plastic women with big breasts that can’t let go of the fact that they had the best prom dress 27 years before.
Survivor - Strangers go to a remote location, do idiotic activities called challenges, lose a bunch of weight, then stab each other in the back.
Ice Road Truckers – Truckers drive their trucks, on an ice road.  Sometimes they break down (the trucks and the truckers).  It’s fascinating.
American Idol – People that can’t sing and never could are fooled by their friends into thinking they can.  They get embarrassed and cry.
America’s Next Top Model - Emaciated girls try to avoid food and general nutrition while Tyra Banks boasts about how amazing she is.
The Bachelor - Some dude somehow gets to make out with 25 hot girls, it’s televised, and no one gets mad at him.
The Biggest Loser – Similar to America’s Next Top Model, but the contestants ate Tyra Banks.
America’s Got Talent – Bad grammar in the title, and the talent isn’t any gooder.
Wife Swap – Two married men show a complete stranger what an asshole he is married to.
The Simple Life – Two very rich, clueless and elitist heiresses live among commoners, and make their parents contemplate disowning them for simple stupidity.
The Apprentice – A very rich man gets to belittle and abuse potential employees in various ways… legally.
Big Brother – Much like The Real World, but they aren’t allowed to leave the house, nothing ever happens.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 – Two morons with eight children do anything they can to exploit said children, then act like bigger morons when the cameras aren’t taping them.
Dancing With The Stars – “Stars” in the title is debatable. It’s dancing with bad commentary and puns.
American Chopper – They build some bitchin’ bikes and fight the way most families wish they could.
Jersey Shore – Yes, another The Real World ripoff.  This time they stock the house with those that fail IQ tests.
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition – I think it’s the only show that has an ounce of sincerity. Granted most of the recipients of the new house foreclose within a year, but that’s beside the point. Feel good and cry, then turn off the TV.
The Hills – Yeah, it’s umm, like The Real World, but filled with attractive and extremely shallow people. Actually it’s scripted, too. Nothing based on reality here.
Top Chef - They cook.
Hogan Knows Best – It was Hulk Hogan, it was worth watching if you could get past his family, and Hulk Hogan.
Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica - Jessica Simpson proved to the world that she’s dumb as a box of recycled paper, and Nick proved that even with a wife as hot as Jessica, he’d rather cheat than talk to her the rest of his life.
Miami Ink – They tattoo people, in a tattoo parlor, and talk about tattoos.
The Surreal Life – More washed up pseudo-celebrities live together and easily show why they are washed up.
The Osbournes – The show that emasculated the frontman from Black Sabbath while also raising his stock on death pools everywhere.
Rock of Love – It’s The Bachelor, but the bachelor is a rocker, and the women are sluts.
Shear Genius – The exciting and emotional world… of cutting hair.
Flavor Of Love – Flavor Flav and a pack of beasts look for love in horrific displays of affection.
The Bad Girls Club – It’s the prequel for The Real Housewives, but the girls aren’t hot and they think they are.
Hell’s Kitchen – It’s Top Chef, but the host is an asshole.
Deadliest Catch – They fish for crabs in situations that make me extremely glad to work in computers.
Little People, Big World – A family of little people. Exploitation or not, they’re midgets!
The Amazing Race – Teams race around the world and we get to watch them stress out and hate each other.
Cathouse - A camera inside a brothel. Hello? This quickly ruins any fantasy you ever had about brothels.
Sunset Tan – The exciting, riveting and heart-wrenching world of a tanning salon.
Pitchmen - The behind the scenes life of two famous TV sales guys, until one of them croaks.  Too soon?
America’s Most Smartest Model - I must stress that I did not make this up, or the title. It exists. Look it up.
Say Yes To The Dress – Wedding gown shopping. Are there really that many women out there that would watch a show on this? I’ve always heard it’s one of the most stressful parts of the wedding for a woman… why watch this??
Supernanny - A British woman enters a home and disciplines bad children, legally. Actually, the parents should be the ones disciplined.
Toddlers & Tiaras – Jon and Kate have nothing on these horrific parents.
Hoarders - Pretty much like Intervention, although the drug of choice is a houseful of junk.
30 Days - It’s witness relocation without committing a crime first.
Cake Boss - A bakery?  Hell, they did it for a tanning salon, a barber and a tattoo parlor, why the fuck not?
Dr. 90210 – Plastic surgery reality. Most of the above shows already covered this one.
Hammertime - MC Hammer, but no big pants.
Bridezillas - Uber bitch potential brides. The groom should watch before saying “I do.”

There are so many more.  A completely obnoxious amount more. But I don’t want to continue on, as my brain hurts.  I now must go read something by Stephen Hawking to assure myself that we as a society are not going to be overthrown by lemurs soon.

Whenever it’s on the Olympics I watch it, and I sometimes find myself cheering. If you still can, you might want to watch the Russian women, especially Liudmila Privivkova. I’m not usually into blondes, but holy crap I’d watch her throw rocks all day long, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, how the fuck does one train for Curling? Do you have to lift weights and shit? What do you have to do to get geared up for Curling? I mean, I’m sure you have to practice, but is it like a day of practicing your craft, then off to the gym? Do you study videos of the other teams? Get used to the cold by standing in a fridge? What?

If you’re a sweeper, do you volunteer to sweep people’s kitchens during your “off-season”? Is there an off-season?

Do you think during the Olympics, at some of the surrounding Vancouver bars, the men’s teams would taunt each other?

Great Britain starts off with, “Hey, USA team, you throw like fags, assholes.” We chime back with, “Oh yeah, you’re lucky I need to save my energy for tomorrow Nigel, or I’d literally sweep the floor with your gay British face. Why don’t you brush your teeth every once in a while.” Then Nigel’s teammates have to hold him back. “Save it for the match, old chap.” Or whatever British people say to each other.

That’s how it goes down in my head anyway.

Now I can’t keep up with all the games I bought over the months. Especially since my job is keeping me very busy, which is a good problem to have these days.

Here are the icons on my desktop:

1. Borderlands – Fantastic, but the co-op requires some serious firewall configuration to work. Although, that’s because I have two of them and one of them is a Cisco ASA 5505, which is basically the equivalent of buying a missile silo to protect your front lawn. But I digress.
2. Dragon Age: Origins – Second playthrough. Phenomenal game. I still need to finish the new DLC that was (FINALLY) released recently. My advice to you is do not kill Wynne. Recruit her. I made that mistake in my first playthough, but I went through many unnecessary health pots. Three words: AI peer pressure. And there’s an expansion pack coming out in March, which I have also purchased.
3. Dead . . . “Holy Shit that Scared the Piss Out of Me” . . . Space – Bought this on sale for $10 on Steam. I don’t regret it. The only criticism I have is that there’s really only one reliable weapon. The first one you get. The rest of them are situational I suppose, but the Plasma Cutter, especially if you upgrade it, can be used for everything. The Contact Beam’s alternative fire is effective too (and downright awesome), but I’ve only needed it a handful of times. I just finished this one so I will move on to:
4. Mass Effect 2 – Installed but haven’t started it. I’m a one-game-at-a-time kind of gamer. So now that I’ve finished Dead Space I’ll be able to comment on this one. Really loved ME1, so it shouldn’t disappoint.
5. Bioshock 2, Special Edition – Haven’t even installed it yet. Once again, one at a time.
6. Assassin’s Creed 2 – Pre-bought this one and it should be on it’s way soon.

As you can see, I am waaaay behind in my gaming. But hey, being too busy to play them is a good place to be with this unemployment rate, am I right?

And one more thing . . . I’m always looking out for a different MMO. And I mean an MMO that isn’t the same recycled copycat shit that keeps coming out of that genre. So if anyone has any ideas, let me know.

Cooties – I remember running from girls on the playground because they had cooties. Although I felt justified at the time, I realize now that what they had was not called “COOTIES” but “COOTERS” and that I want to get them ALL THE TIME.  If only I had known.

Kill the man with the ball – This was also known as “Smear the Queer” and probably the dumbest game ever invented. The guy holding the ball gets the shit kicked out of him until he drops the ball or begins to spit blood. My friends and I would play almost daily in the summer on my front lawn and it was in one of these scrums that my buddy got his nickname, Johnny Whimper.

Blind Darts – We would lay a dartboard on the floor and stand at the bottom of the stairs and blindly toss darts up the stairs and try to hit the dart board. What makes this more stupid was that we positioned the board in such a way that you couldn’t see it from the bottom of the stairs and only the thrower was at the bottom. Everyone else stood around the board. Brilliant, huh?

Red Light / Green Light – I once ended up in the ER after a fast and furious game getting stitches in my chin. That’s right, the fat kid tripped running up the porch and cracked his face on the top step. Go ahead and laugh, I’m used to it.

Can’t wait to head home and see what the kids have in store for me tonight. Maybe it will be “chase your little sister with a booger” or my personal fave, “shit, close the lid and don’t flush”. Late!

The first state is Shitter and is for the announcement of bodily functions (even miscarriages). Here you can boast of notable bowel movements (of unusual weight, shape, or size), urination lasting for more than one minute and five seconds and anything else that has been known to leak or propel itself out of the body. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is, yes. Vomiting is included. As well as menstruation. But let’s not get mesmerized by volume, weight, and duration. Don’t forget color. If something is normally a certain color or hue and comes out totally off color, you’ll need an outlet for sharing this news. Say your urine is normally a boring pale yellow but one day welcomes you with a day-brightening lime green Gatorade color, you’ll need to share this with the world and post it on Shitter. Mind you, when it clears up, no one cares about that. This is only for if you continue to piss a plutonium based discharge.

Shitter also encompasses other aspects of humanity. Other things more than suitable to be listed on Shitter are: any information regarding a reality TV show, any information concerning Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, news of a United States financial institution, anything Barrack Obama says (or does). Speaking of Barry we might as well include anything that hyena Oprah Winfrey says, and last but not least something like hot tips about Jennifer Aniston, and the co star she’s doing from her latest film. Unless of course it’s a female co star, then it should be listed on Twatter and not Shitter. IF she doesn’t “go all the way” with a woman, then it’s listed on just Titter and not Twatter.

The other states and examples of the information they should contain are as follows (in no particular order):

Bitter: An outlet for the gay community, women’s movements (but not bowel), Democrats, any of my ex-girlfriends, fans of the hit show The View and cast members of said hit show.

Bit ‘er: If you have a woman into rough sex or you are a woman into rough sex.

Critter: Pest control, small penises, scary looking children.

Clitter: for women who have an unusually large erogenous zone at the top of the vagina. Now don’t get me wrong here. I’m not saying that you think it’s bigger than more or a little plump. I’m saying that if it looks like she has a pink baby carrot between her legs, we’ll need to know and on Clitter is where we’ll look.

Did ‘er: a place to list the names of all the girls you’ve banged and for West Virginian males to chat about their sisters, daughters, and mothers. Also, for Bill Clinton to list information on his current roomy Jewish intern.

Fitter: Anyone who weighs less than Kirstie Alley. 93% percent of NFL players qualify to use this service.

Flitter: a site for gay men.

Git ‘er: for West Virginian males with stubborn sisters, daughters, and mothers.

Hitter: The Violent Sports Talk Network. Messages posted about soccer are punishable by death.

Itter: Here is a place for the linguistically challenged who cannot properly pronounce a B through Z plus the –itter.

Jitter: for guys who think they cum an exorbitant amount.

Kid ‘er: a place to list diplomatic responses to questions she asks like: Do I look fat in this dress? Is my sister hotter than me? If you weren’t dating me would you do my friends?

Litter: Information on people we should throw away. Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Kanye West, Chris Brown, Jon and Kate from “Jon and Kate Plus Eight”… in fact we could probably get rid of three of those kids and no one would care. Then they’ll probably launch the new hit show “And Then There Were Five” so the dipshits who watched the original show would have something to look forward to. With that in mind, let’s throw the eight out as well.

Mit ‘er: a place for guys in the South to state where they hooked up with their current significant other: “I mit ‘er at the Chuck and Puke on Route 11.”

Nitter: for those whose balls are made of yarn.

Pitter: birth announcements, as in pitter patter (of little feet).

Quitter: for the pussies who stopped drinking and/or smoking because their doctors told them it was no good for them and/or their wives or husbands wanted them to stop.

Sitter: a place for guys to share fantasies about the college girl who watches their kids. If a woman has such fantasies, please use Twatter.

Spitter: Now, one might think that those who choose NOT to finish a certain job (hint: the wind does this) would be listed in Quitter. But I don’t think so. The job IS complete but the doer of the action (aka the subject of the sentence) chooses to hock out the creamy prize like it’s a loogie during flu season.

Don’t confuse this with those women who complain: “I’m not putting that in my mouth. You PEE from it!” Yes, sue me. I pee from it. But you pee from your lovely little pink Venus Fly Trap too but yet I still find the courage to lick it like the wallpaper at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate factory. Don’t I? Yes. I’m asking you to sing karaoke with a flesh microphone and you’re asking me to stick my face into a large piping hot pepperoni pizza. But don’t get me started on this.

Vitter: the Arnold Schwarzenegger “Fitter” board

Yidder: Jews only. Which is to say everyone who works in the entertainment and or publishing industry… you’re free to post here.

Zitter: self explanatory, for those with a bad complexion and also the Arnold Schwarzenegger “Sitter” board.

Racist: for all white people. No buts and no excuses. If you are white, you’re guilty as charged. You’re a racist. Get used to it.

My first Dan Brown experience was The Da Vinci Code.  I fell into the hype, and the book was highly suggested by a buddy.  I gave it a whirl, as much for the controversy that I was starting to hear, as well as the subject matter itself.  Religious debates aside, I really enjoyed the book.

Brown obviously had done a lot of research and combined volumes of fact, legend, speculation, ancient mysteries, Christian doctrine, symbology and secret societies and wrapped it into a story.  At times I felt like I should have been taking notes for future reference (cue the school days shudders) because, as the characters in the book worked through their predicaments, the interpretations mixed with facts of ancient mysteries were coming at me in rapid fire.  The characters and story were definitely good enough to keep me riveted, and I would spend hours on the computer Googling many items from the book.

Six long years later for Dan Brown fans and his next book is published, The Lost Symbol.  I just finished it.

If you take my paragraph above (starting with “Brown obviously had done…”), add in “science” to the first sentence, then substitute “was there” for “were definitely good enough to keep me riveted” in the last, then you have The Lost Symbol.

The story that everything else was wrapped around was very weak.  I have read all five of Dan Brown’s novels, and my one major critical point in his writing style is that he misleads the reader.  He writes them in the narrative style, injecting the character’s thoughts so the reader can “see” more of the character and what is going on as they decipher the mysteries.  Countless times in his novels, as a conversation is happening, a revelation is discovered, or a mystery is unlocked, Brown cuts off the conversation and switches scenes.  The character has that “AHA!!” moment that reveals a major plot piece.  Brown  then makes the reader wait pages, sometimes chapters, before unveiling what that revelation was… yet we follow the character through on their harrowing adventure not understanding WHY they are trying to frantically get to point B on the map, but the character knows.  That makes no sense to me, and I found it irritating to me at times in this book.  It would be like dining with my wife at a restaurant and having a phone call about something we were talking about.  Then I would stand suddenly, grab her hand, rush out to the car and drive for 35 minutes to get home, all the while not telling her why.  Believe me, if life happened as Brown writes, there might be a lot more unexpected revelations, but there also would be a lot more divorces and throats being punched.  Brown has to have faith in his readers that we would be just as anxious as the characters, and that a fake cliff hanger is not needed.  The story and the craft of good storytelling should be strong enough so as not to throw in an unseen twist just for the sake of an unseen twist.  It is cheap.  If that twist is revealed to the reader early on, but the characters are kept in the dark, a good narrative should accomplish the same goal.  The twist revealed here actually left me feeling cheated, and I was distracted for many pages as I kept thinking back to earlier in the book… and how Brown misled.

A number of elements of this story are similar to those in Da Vinci.  The protagonist, Robert Langdon, returns for his third novel (he was in Angels & Demons and The Da Vinci Code), there is a strong, intelligent female character that is involved in the adventure side-by-side with Langdon, there is an uber-creepy villain (this one, also bald, is tattooed over his whole body, instead of an albino monk), and the supporting characters all have their own agenda where you try to figure out who to trust.

The meat of this novel is again in the mysteries, symbology and the interpretations of both. Brown does a better job in instructing the reader on opening the mind and changing our perception of the world we live in, than delivering characters that you care what fate awaits. Robert Langdon’s skepticism through the whole book becomes so annoying  that you wonder if Brown even remembers that this is the third novel he wrote him into.  Personally, if I were in Langdon’s shoes and encountered the events of Rome (Angels & Demons) then Paris (The Da Vinci Code) and experienced the puzzles that were “solved” in both, my skepticism would be long gone.  Hell, I’d be looking at my  water bottle and wondering what Poland Spring is really trying to tell the world.

Overall, I really enjoyed the book. It doesn’t sound like it, but I did.  I enjoyed it for the science (noetic science plays a part), and the huge amount of factual trivia regarding Washington D.C., our Founding Fathers, the Freemasons, and some of the “secrets in plain view” in buildings in Washington.  I had many “that’s cool!” moments as I read some of these facts as the characters unraveled the puzzles before them.  I want to go back to Washington and see some of them for myself now.  You’ll never guess what fictional character has a sculpture on a cathedral in Washington!  I can’t imagine what else Brown had uncovered that didn’t even make it into the book.  Centuries of mysticism, beliefs, and persecution shaped how humankind has evolved thinking and has left the true meanings of original works shrouded in symbology and puzzles.

The main focus of this novel is perspective.  Brown impressively created the puzzles and interpretations about how objects, thoughts, words, spirituality, the human mind, and legends all can change monumentally if the perspective is changed.  Allegory is more of a character here than the actual characters, and that is welcome.  He avoids the heavy-handed religious overtones, and focuses on spirituality instead of the denominational aspects.  No true secrets were revealed in the pages, but Brown leaves the reader wondering “What if it were true?” again. To me, this makes The Lost Symbol a worthwhile read.  It allows us to explore what we are now, and what our forefathers had in mind when they built America, what the ancient scientists and philosophers studied before modern technology, and what today’s technology will really allow us to uncover.

1. Don’t Believe Everything You Read
What this means is don’t believe everything you read about how the adopting agency lists the dog.  Spayed/neutered? Check. House-trained? Check. Shots up to date and de-wormed? Check.
Reality? Check please!!  Turns out that “copy and paste” errors affect the website author just as it does the rest of us.

2. Get To Know Your Carpet
Learn and inspect every inch of your carpeting about every 22 minutes.  About half of my first floor in my house is carpeting, the other half being flooring of some kind (hardwood, tile or vinyl).  The entire second floor is carpeted.  Puppies seem to appreciate carpeting in the same way that theylike dropping their asses on grass outside.  It must be the feeling between their toes.

3. Get Up and Personal With Your Dog’s Poop
Poop, crap, excrement, shit, number two, Crohnsicles, doo-doo… no matter what you call it, if your Vet says to keep an eye on it, you better.  Much like our own brown deposits tell us volumes about our health, eating habits and excessive drinking, the Baby Ruth’s that these tiny beasts drop sometimes contain living creatures of their own.

4. Your Vet Is Your Friend
By “friend” I mean that friend that is always asking you for lots of money, and shows you no compassion for the journey you have now decided to undertake.  The only good thing is they are probably the only people in the world that you can hand a bag of crap to without any repercussions.  I add to this tiny pleasure of mine by bringing in a good eight pounds of the steamers when they only require about an ounce.

5.  Establish Dominance
Puppies aren’t very bright.  Much like their bladders, they don’t seem to have large brains.  She makes up for brain power by exerting pure energy, mostly at inopportune times.  Our old dog just wants to be and live out his remaining time in peace.  He, much like me, just wants to lay around and be left alone.  Our puppy has other, very playful, thoughts.  She nips and jumps, and his irritation has given way to growling, to baring teeth, to vicious barking… we fear what’s next.  He can snap her scrawny neck quick, but she doesn’t seem to recognize that possibility.  She does act submissive, but unfortunately our old guy is blind, all he knows is that she’s nearby and annoying as hell.  With me, on the other hand, she bites my hands, arms, ankles and calves.  Trust me, I will always be on guard when exiting the shower.  I have to flip her on her back and hold her there while trying to stare into her eyes to establish my dominance… all the while she is making sounds like “The Tiny Warrior” from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls.

6. It’s Worth It
For the expected “awwwww” moment, I have to say it was all worth it.  It is one of the most rewarding things to know that you saved this loving and needy creature from a possible horrible fate, either by the cruel and heartless acts by those out for their own sick enjoyment, or by the financial shortcomings of the organizations trying to save the animals.  We adopted our first dog almost twelve years ago, and found out that he would have been put down the following day if he wasn’t adopted on that day.  Our newest pup was rescued “from a very bad situation” down in Virginia.

Welcome to our family, little girl.

Anyway, my son’s last track practice of the week was at 5:15 that day and when I got home I found out that it was coaches/parents vs. the kids. I was pretty pumped – here was my chance to show my kid that his old man still had the jets. I took him to practice and was ready to run. When I got there I found out there was a shortage of parents so I had to double up and run two legs of a 4×100m relay. Just to remind you all, 100m = about 109 yards. That’s longer than a football field. So I sprinted 218 yards in about a 3 min span. That’s a greater distance than I have sprinted in about the last 15 years combined.

So I am the starter in the first leg and I take off like a bat out of hell – just destroyed the 7th grade girl in the lane next to me by at least 30 yards. I felt pretty good – the old man still had the jets. So I hand off the baton with my team well in first place and am pretty winded but not too horrible. Then I go to get into position to run leg #2. I start off pretty good but about half way through the legs start to get a bit rubbery – I still beat the little snot next to me, but not by as much.

Now I’m pretty winded and need to catch my breath. It takes a little while and I do get my breath back, but something just isn’t right. I really didn’t feel well at all. I tried to walk it off and chatted with some other parents, but I just felt like crap. I decided that maybe it would help if I walked to the car and sat with the AC on for a few minutes. I think deep down, I was a like one of those wounded animals that just needs to find a place to crawl off and die – some place secure and away from the all of the other animals. Anyway, after 5-10 minutes in the car, I become honest with myself and admit that I really just need to puke – that lasagna was not sitting right at all. So I got out of the Santa Fe and walked around to the back of it, out of view of everyone else, and just spewed like Vesuvius. Chucks of beef lasagna everywhere, including stuck in my nose. I walked around to go back in the car and clean myself up when another wave hit and I spewed again. This time was worse, not only because  I could have been spotted, but because when I opened the door, my friggin ice scraper fell out of the door holder and right into ground zero. Dammit!!! Anyway, I found some old Wendy’s napkins (all sprinters consist on Wendy’s) and cleaned myself up and drank some water.

Suddenly, I felt 100% better – as if I had been healed by the touch of God. After a thorough check that I had no incriminating spew on my body or clothes, I went back down to practice and had a nice rest of the day. Of course when practice was over, I had to fess up to the boy as there were those large vomit lakes by the car. He had a good laugh – I let him enjoy his laugh and didn’t mention to him until we got home that that he was sitting on the very Wendy’s napkins I used to clean myself off. The best laugh is the last laugh.

Several of the boy’s friends did tell me how great I looked running – probably just being nice but my ego is taking them at their word. When we got home, I started hitting  my son with the “Your old man’s still got the speed” line to which he replied “To go along with a lot of vomit”. He did finally give me a nice backhanded compliment of “Well, you certainly are fast for someone who looks like you. Fast enough to beat a 7th grade girl. Good job, Dad”. I think I made my point with him – case dismissed.

So although the cost was high – a $5 lunch special I will never get back – I was able to defend the pride of Dads everywhere. And that, my friends, is priceless. Well, I guess the price was actually $5, but who’s counting.

CollegeHumor puts together something that has not been discussed in the geek world: the idea that the Death Star destruction by a small Jedi squad was maybe a little, too easy.  Well maybe in back alleys, private homes and sci-fi conventions, but not many other places.  The truth is out there somewhere, and if you pay attention, maybe you too can decide what is truth, and what is fabricated by those completely out of touch with reality and should do something meaningful with their lives. Clear you mind, just as the “truthers” have done.