'You've got your hands full'

Children and bereavement: Families share experiences and advice

Linda Jones — 2009-11-21T22:57:35+00:00

LIKE millions of others, I watched Children in Need through a mist of tears as two young sisters told an interviewer how much they loved their Daddy, before a caption revealed he'd since died.

I recently worked on a project involving research on how to help bereaved children. As it's not online, I thought I would rewrite and edit it, as well as adding in some bloggers' wisdom. I've pulled together posts that touch on this most delicate of subjects. I hope this may be useful to someone out there sometime.

Carrying grief with you

Of course, just like adults, no two children are the same when it comes to how they handle bereavement. Just like grown-ups, they will always want to remember a beloved person who has died fondly and to carry their memory in their heart.

I discovered that experts - and by that I mean bereaved people, will tell you that you don't 'get over' grief, you carry it with you and learn to live with it, day by day.

And while for adults and children alike that acceptance takes time, for children it also takes longer to understand what has happened.

Their understanding, reaction and on-going grief will also be further influenced by their age.

Joanne Mallon from Parentdish wrote this excellent post about how to talk to your children about death after Michael Jackson died. It's a great starting point and I'd strongly agree that Michael Rosen's Sad Book is a must-read for any child who has lost someone dear.

Stories of loss

Photo bigstockphoto.com

Joanne's own brother died when she was nine.

I asked her how she remembered him.

She said: "My son's middle name is Jonathan. He looks very like him, but we have to remember that Isaac is his own person. I often talk to my children about Jonathan, what he was like - partly to remember him and also to give them some insight into disability.

"They talk about him - and their other relatives who've died - as angels, all together. My daughter writes little letters and prayers to him and we have a photo of me and Jonathan in the living room. I only go to his grave very rarely - his grave is in a cemetery in Belfast (right next to those of the IRA hunger strikers). I find graves very depressing. "

Karin, whose dad died when she was nine, said: "For children, death is understood in terms of what it means to them, so if someone they love has died, it means they won’t see that person again and that makes them sad.

"It’s what made me cry when mum broke the news, and when I cried over the next few weeks and months it was always accompanied by the phrase ‘I miss Daddy’.

“I don’t think children are scared by death at all, certainly not in my experience.

"In fact I’m still not scared by death and I think that’s because it’s been openly talked about and experienced in my family – my mum’s sister died within a year of my dad, and my dad’s father too.

“We can forget how literal children are. As adults we understand implied meaning, but children may not always –

"Daddy’s gone away is a really unhelpful way of saying ‘Daddy’s dead’.

“I always joked that the highlights of not having a dad was that I never had to run my boyfriends past him, but in truth I so desperately wish I had had a dad."

Photo by lepiaf.geo on Flickr

A Mum Shaped Hole

You may know my lovely friend Laura from her blog Are We nearly There Yet Mummy.

But have you ever read what she calls her 'more serious' blog, A Mum Shaped Hole?

She says: “My mum died when I was nine, this is me trying to make sense of that. I am now 30 and I still struggle without her. The only way I can describe it is like having A Mum Shaped Hole in my life.”

Here’s an extract from a post, about how Laura's mum would treasure her grandchildren.

Would she think they look like me?

Would she admire my handsome boy all snails, scooters and bold adventure?

Would she smile at my beautiful girl all bossy and hands on hips smelling of apples and willful charm?

Would her heart melt when they called her name?

Would she be my shoulder to cry on when life is tough?

Would we laugh so hard that tears would fall?

I wish they had known her, and I for longer

I wish she was here

I miss my mum.

Laura told me: "I feel regret that my grief has affected my life in so many ways. Immediately afterwards was strange. Although she had been ill for two years I had no idea she was going to die. Although, subconsciously, maybe I did - as I remember being told off for humming the Funeral March one day.

"From my dad and sister's point of view it was a huge relief that Mum's suffering had ended. I come from a family where we laugh a lot and don't really discuss feelings openly and I think although I was encouraged to grieve, I was also encouraged to think about the good times.

"I now realise that I use humour as a coping mechanism and don't face things properly. The family motto is 'laugh in the face of adversity'!

"Even growing up I can remember getting cold sweats if the subject of mums came up and would rather avoid the conversation than talk about it and have people feeling sorry for me.

"It's only now that I can openly discuss my Mum and rather than feel embarrassed, feel proud of her.

"I became very clingy towards my dad and just wanted to be with him all the time.

"Since having my own children, my relationship with my grief has changed. Because I didn't have many memories of my mum as a child I felt a bit detached from her.

"But when I had the children and experienced the love that she too must have felt I felt more of a connection.

"I had a long period where I felt so incredibly sad and I still feel panic sometimes when I think that one day something may happen to me and my children will be left without a mother. "

Insomniac Mummy also wrote hauntingly of the death of her mother, who died 28 years ago. To this day, she says, she doesn't know what happened to her ashes or if she has a memorial stone. Look at the comments too, to see not only how bloggers can rally round each other, but also how many stories of loss are yet to be shared.

Photo by maessive on Flickr

Then, Insomniac Mummy wrote about her lovely Grandma who died recently.

Englishmum often remembers her friend C who died this year and how proud her daughter would now make her.

Single Parent Dad

Another blogger writing movingly about his own experience of grief and that of his adorable son Max, is Ian at Single Parent Dad.

Ian's wife Samantha died suddenly in 2005, when Max was a baby.

In a recent post about 'grief triggers' Ian says:

My boy understands why too, I do not like keeping things from him, he deserves the truth, however hard it is.

But last week was the first time it upset him.

I explained in the morning, what was ‘significant’ about the day, and while that was not a grief trigger for me, it certainly was for the boy.

While heartbreaking to witness, I was also immensely proud of my son. Proud because he had moved to such a level, gaining a better understanding of his loss, and able to show his emotion for it.

There was plenty of reassurance and cuddling, and we spoke about his mom, and how it was now. While she has physically gone, she will always be part of him, and gave him the best possible start in the world.

Is honesty the best policy when talking to children about bereavement?

Here’s what Cruse says:

In general, honesty is the best policy. However, there are also other considerations. When we talk to children about death we need to speak in language that they can understand. Also for some children we may let them know something about the death and share more information later when they are able to take it in.

“When we explain to a child about a death we may need to repeat what we say. We also need to be able to answer their questions.

"Also all family members need to be saying the same thing so the child does not become confused. It is also a good idea to let the child’s school know what you have said to the child.”

Bereavement counsellor Dodie Graves, from Wolverhampton's Compton Hospice, adds: “Because children can’t always express their emotions easily, understanding how they are dealing with grief can be difficult. It is common for children to want to be strong for their family, and it can be difficult for them to know who to turn to when they need support.

“Families’ bereavement support workers talk to children one-to- one, and with their families, to help them work together through their shared grief.

“They use puppets, games and art to help children express their feelings, and special memory jars and memory boxes to remember the person they’ve lost.

“They can also support families in learning how to communicate better together.”

Winston’s Wish (www.winstonswish.org.uk) has in-depth guidance for anyone wanting to help a bereaved child.

A gradual understanding

Parenting expert Sue Atkins stresses that it’s important to remember that children will not behave like adults.

It sounds obvious, but can be overlooked in these sad circumstances.

She says: “Children's understanding of death comes gradually.”

Sue's article on bereavement discusses how children of different ages may understand about death and grieve.

She says that from about nine years, most children will have an adult view of death, although this will depend on their development and maturity and their past experiences of death.

The best way of understanding what children think and feel about death is to listen carefully and to talk gently with them and be guided by them.

Many parents feel that childhood is a time free from difficulties and challenging events but in reality this just isn’t the case- but it’s how you handle the challenges that makes your children grow up well balanced, resilient and strong -able to handle the blows life deals them.

Sue adds: “It’s perfectly natural to cry in front of your children - if you explain what you are feeling."

What children going through loss need:

• Information

• Companionship

• Time to express their emotions

• Time to remember.

I’m very grateful to Sue for allowing me to use this information. She's a mum to two teenagers and a former deputy head teacher. She's also the author of Raising Happy Children for Dummies. Find out more at www.positive-parents.com

Where to find help:

Winston's Wish

Helpline: 0845 203 0405 (Mon-Fri 9-5pm)

Childhood Bereavement Network

Tel: 0115 911 8070

Child Bereavement Trust

Tel: 01494 446648 (General)

0845 357 1000 (Information/support line)

Cruse

Helpline: 0844 477 9400

Road for you – part of Cruse helping young people: www.rd4u.org.uk

Compassionate Friends

Helpline: 0845 123 2304

Books you may find helpful

*If you would like to share a story of bereavement or offer any advice to families facing the darkest of times, please do leave a comment and let us know any links to posts you think may be helpful.

Tales from a Travelling Mum out now - with a bit from me...

Linda Jones — 2009-11-20T23:46:50+00:00

I'VE just updated Have a Lovely Time with this so thought I'd add it here too. Hooray.

I'm one of the mums, along with Gail Mowat from the wonderful Big Beluga Baby who has contributed to travel writer Alice Griffin's new book.

How exciting. I hope this inspirational mum finds plenty of support in the blogosphere. Go Alice!

My contribution is about how much I love family holidays and breaks in the UK, what fun there is to be had and an explanation of why we wanted to set up Have a Lovely Time.

But most of all, of course, Tales from a Travelling Mum: Navigating Europe with a Babe-in-Arms is Alice's story of adventures across Europe with her baby daughter.

It sounds absolutely brilliant and I can't wait for my copy to arrive. Once I've read all about what Alice has been able to get up to, she's also kindly agreed to be interviewed for Have a Lovely Time.

Alice, who blogs at Fanciful Alice, says in her marketing material for the book: "Although essentially it is a travelogue, running throughout the book you will find a healthy amount of advice related to feeding, sleeping, playing and pacifying a baby or toddler on the plane, boat, train, bus, as well as in the car.

"Hopefully this makes the book both an interesting and a practical read for new parents looking to travel with their own children.

"You can expect to read about boat trips in Norway, hay-making in rural France, navigating Athens with a buggy, daily life in a small village in the Spanish mountains and a life-changing road trip..."

Alice adds: "My hope is that this book will highlight the fact that travel need not stop when love and babies come along, and can be adapted to suit your dreams as well as your budget."

Read some impressions of the book so far, including from A Modern Mother and Liz at Living With Kids.

You can buy the book here:

New freelance writing advice regular post - Write Away

Linda Jones — 2009-11-19T14:53:08+00:00

WHEN I started blogging, things seemed simple. I wanted to provide information for families with twins, triplets or more, who don't feature as much as they could in mainstream media.

That's why I began Got Your Hands Full, and that's why, when my book on freelance writing came out, I set up a separate site, Freelance Writing Tips.

But after three years, as time went on, I strayed from the original premise behind this site and started to feel more comfortable writing about my own experience. The support and friendship found through blogging has been phenomenal.

But friends don't talk about work much do they? So when I posted about how an online personality differed from a 'real' one, I was beginning to wonder how much my work could actually be of interest.

Several bloggers have been in touch with me asking bits and bobs of advice about breaking into freelance writing.

I'm happy to help.

I've also been working with Karen Sherr from Musical Minis, suggesting a blog was a good idea and that she could offer advice on child development, thanks to her experience as a play specialist and child psychology background. So I'm taking my own advice.

Through my company, we offer various training courses for writers. I've contributed to various publications and edited a few. My work 'spiel' reads:

FROM detailing the horror of receiving big pants for Christmas in Bella, to reporting on the heinous crimes of Fred West for regional media, my career has spanned nearly two decades and seen work published in dozens of publications.

In recent years, I've written on subjects including technology, parenting and journalism for titles including The Guardian and Press Gazette. A former news editor on the Wolverhampton Express & Star and the Worcester Evening News, I have also worked as a senior reporter at several regional newspapers.

Publications I've edited include Tamba’s Twins, Triplets & More magazine and the St Petersburg Press in Russia. My company Passionate Media, founded in 2003, supplies commercial writing services for national and local clients. These days, we're also working on podcasts, blogs and other social media malarkey.

When Karin from Cafebebe got in touch to ask for advice on a specific aspect of freelance writing, I thought I should do something as a regular feature.

I quickly asked last night on Twitter - what could I call an advice slot?

Marketing whizz and writer Sue Hunter came up with Write Away. I like it because it's so simple. A bit like me, of course. A copy of my book is winging its way to Sue, thank you.

As I was formulating these thoughts, I asked Josie from Sleep is for the Weak, because I'm a fond follower of her blog and writing workshop, if there was anything she would like advice with.

My answer to her query will form the first Write Away column.

I'm not sure how regular it will be yet. I'm hoping weekly, but as we know, life can get in the way. This will be advice on the business aspect of writing - how to make money from it, not on the 'craft' of writing itself. If you are realistically expecting to do the first, you should have mastered the second...okay?

You can see more feedback about my most modestly titled book here.

Please do send me any questions you'd appreciate help with.

You can do that by leaving a comment here or by emailing me linda[at]passionatemedia.co.uk.

I won't be able to reply except to say thanks by email. Please bear with me, I don't know what the interest will be like yet, but as I say, I am happy to help.

Thanks.

Media request: MyChild looking for more favourite UK parent bloggers

Linda Jones — 2009-11-18T08:17:16+00:00

PARENTING and education resource MyChild has carried a series of interviews with UK parent bloggers, of which I was the latest.

Editor Amy Schofield passed on that if any of my fellow bloggers wanted to be in the frame for being featured then they should get in touch.

You can contact Amy directly: Amy.Schofield[at]mychild.co.uk

Please bear in mind she's a very busy lady and may not be able to get back to you as soon as you may hope. (These are my words, not hers!)

A bit of a cock up on the parenting front

Linda Jones — 2009-11-17T17:34:14+00:00

LAST week, I was the featured 'favourite mummy blogger' on MyChild.

One question asked was "What is your most overused parenting expression?"

As I told Emily I'd been interviewed, I quizzed her on what she thought my answer was.

She said: "Is it dickhead?"

I protested that I never said such a thing.

"You do when you are driving," she told me, laughing.

It reminded me of the time my friend Alison rang me, distraught after I'd looked after her son for the day.

She said she'd reprimanded her three-year-old for calling someone 'stupid'.

"We don't say people are stupid, that's not a very nice thing to say," Alison had pointed out.

"And neither is for fuck's sake," her son replied.

Of course I got the blame. Done up like a kipper.

At our most recent birthday bash, one little girl was in my car and I said: "You haven't been in here before, have you sweetheart?"

She said: "Oh yes, you told me to shit the door."

Instead of glossing over this most regrettable of episodes, we spent the rest of the journey creased up at the possibilities for mental images conjured up. This is evidently pretty entertaining when you are 11.

Mums are supposed to say 'There, there...and Goodness me...' not unleash an expletive-filled road rage rant or widen the vocabulary of friends' children with corkers they'd rather they never heard. Aren't they?

I know swearing is not big and it's not clever. If I do hear my girls letting rip with a rude word or two, I will always point out the error of their ways.

But still, I have been known to swear just a little bit in front of my daughters and (the horror) their little friends - just like my mum did in front of me.

If my daughters were to swear they are told off in a definite case of 'do as I say, not as I do'. I'm fully aware of the hypocrisy of the situation.

But I guess, in the scheme of things, I can't believe it matters all that much - certainly not as much as loving them and doing the best I can for them, even if I'm the one who needs to wash her mouth out with soap.

Also, my mum is worse, I promise. And I turned out okay, didn't I.... ?

By the way, if anyone wants to disagree with me, they can sod right off.*

* Oh you know what I mean.

Media request: Lovers reunited? Stories wanted

Linda Jones — 2009-11-17T10:33:24+00:00

MY freelance journalist colleague Johanna Payton is looking for heartwarming stories of lost loves who have got back together again.

Jo says:

I'm looking for three couples from very different age groups with very different stories of how they fell in love, were separated for a significant period of time, and then got back together again.

Ideally I'm looking for:

The couple in their 20's who were childhood sweethearts but split up when they went to uni and have just found each other again.

The couple in their 30s/40s who married young, had kids, divorced and then realised they still loved each other.

The couple over 50 who were together many years ago and separated through circumstances beyond their control and have found each other again, many, many years later.

Can you help?

Couples will need to use their real names and be photographed.
Many thanks,

Jo
www.twitter.com/jopayton

Please email Jo[at]Johannapayton.co.uk if you can help.

How our children see us: Parent bloggers' portraits hit YouTube

Linda Jones — 2009-11-16T13:02:04+00:00

THANK YOU to the sublime (yes sublime) Tara at Stickyfingers for including me in her Picture Perfect meme.

Here's my daughters' efforts on YouTube, along with lots of other online friends as seen by their little 'uns - and that's thanks to Erica at LittleMummy, whose video skills I have long encouraged, don't you know.

Media request: Did you have a large gap between having children?

Linda Jones — 2009-11-16T09:03:26+00:00

JOURNALIST Olivia Greenway wants to speak to mums who had their children at least eight years apart.

She's researching a women's weekly magazine feature.

"One of the children must be under 18," says Olivia.

"I just need to make a short phonecall and to have a picture of the mum with her children.

"If they can mail me the info, contact number with preferrred time and pic by the 18th November, I'll phone after the 20th."

Please email olivagreenway[at]hotmail.comif you'd like to help.

Please support The Great Panto Review 2009 for children's cancer charity NACCPO

Linda Jones — 2009-11-15T22:04:47+00:00

I'VE just spent far too long updating news of The Great Panto review 2009.

This was my idea to bring bloggers together, give them a chance to take their families to their local pantomime and raise money for a children's cancer charity called NACCPO at the same time.

I'm absolutely cock-a-hoop that more than 20 theatres across the country have now agreed to welcome bloggers. In return for their places at media previews or tickets for a different night of the panto, I'm asking reviewers to donate to NACCPO.

I hope readers will also consider helping this wonderful charity, which relies heavily on fundraising.

You can donate online here.

I'd like to thank everyone who has pledged their support so far. Obviously this will kick off properly closer to Christmas, but it has been great to see bloggers and theatres back us. Over at Have a Lovely Time, I've listed some of the theatres and bloggers taking part.

More will follow when I can find all the details blog about this again in the very near future.

I've also listed some of the blog posts already publicising our festive fundraising bid. This one by Caroline Smailes made me almost jump out of my chair with delight - it's not every day someone reckons I have a 'genius idea' you know.

Thank you again to all the bloggers and tweeters who have helped us spread the word.

Here's hoping we can actually raise some money to help families whose children face battles we may have prayed ours will avoid.

* I'll update with more details and, ta-da, a blog badge as soon as I can. Please support our Justgiving page for NACCPO. Please blog about The Great Panto Review and please keep coming back for more news of how we are getting on. Any sign of Dick yet?

Mychild.co.uk interview on what blogging has brought me

Linda Jones — 2009-11-13T13:21:57+00:00

CHECK it out if you like, it's here.

It's a timely reminder really, what with having had a bit of a break and everything.