'You've got your hands full'

Inspirational people, by Sarah Aitchison aged nine

2012-03-03T14:13:04+00:00

I've not written about my husband's illness. I haven't considered this deeply private anguish to be anyone else's business and I don't want to say anything to add to the distress of my closest family, most of all, our beautiful daughters.

Now I am in shock again. A turn of events last week has been particularly harrowing and a subsequent hospital stay traumatic. I can't find the right words to say what's up. My body and mind is still absorbing this latest news. Alone in my car, I have screamed as loud as I can, or I may offer up a silent scream as my face stings with more tears. I try to let the pain out. It's not enough.

I've been happy sometimes to share good news -- like when a treatment we were warned had meagre chance of working evoked a 'remarkable' effect. Or when, after spending more than a month not being allowed to move and having a cumbersome corset brace fitted to support his back, Neil was walking down the aisle - no brace, no frame, no stick. A fortnight earlier he couldn't manage a single step. If friends contact me online to ask how we are doing, I may offer a snippet of news, but I haven't said much.

Yet this week also brought great cause for celebration. Neil's birthday was a wonderful day where our house was filled with friends, family and laughter.

Among the cards, my sister in law Helen sent us some homework by our niece Sarah as she thought we may enjoy it. I was so touched by what it said, I wanted to share it here.

Inspirational people by Sarah Aitchison

Why are they inspirational to me?

This week's homework is about inspirational people. I have chosen to write about my Uncle Neil. He is inspirational to me because over Christmas and New Year, he organised a big celebration to show his love for his friends and family, even though he has been seriously ill and has been in and out of hospital.

Neil is my dad's brother and he lives near Birmingham with his partner and two daughters, Emily and Melissa (our cousins.)

In November last year, Neil was diagnosed with cancer. He was then immediately taken to hospital and stayed there for a number of months. Each time his family came to visit him he remained positive and planned the family wedding celebration in the new year. You would never hear him feeling sorry for himself or complain.

At the wedding, Uncle Neil was amazingly brave and was forever smiling. Obviously he was in a lot of pain but he didn't make a fuss because he knew it was everybody's special day, especially his wife and children. Neil needs a brace because he is so ill but he didn't wear it at all throughout the day. Uncle Neil was feeling very tired but he managed to make an excellent speech and made sure everyone was having a great day too.

What work do they do?

At the age of 18, Uncle Neil went to Canterbury University and studied journalism for three years. Four years on, at the age of 22, he worked for the BBC and various other newspapers, before going into business with his wife. Unfortunately now Neil is unable to work due to his illness.

How do their lives truly reflect on the teachings of Jesus?

Despite his illness, Uncle Neil is a kind, caring and loving father and husband. He is determined to overcome his illness with good humour and optimism for the future. He always puts other people before himself and shows great courage in the face of his pain. This is how Jesus would want people to live.

How can I be more like them?

To be more like my Uncle Neil, I should stop taking simple things for granted. I have a lot of things to be thankful for like: good health, a loving family and caring friends. I should be more thankful towards them because some people in this world don't have these things.

Our wedding in pictures

2012-01-20T15:52:48+00:00

Thanks to the wonderful photographer Jane Williams who also went beyond the call of duty in helping manhandle me into my dress. Of course there are plenty more pictures, I've shared most on my personal facebook page, but these are my five faourites I think.

I never thought I'd see the day/Save the Children

2011-09-18T18:52:43+01:00

Along with my partner, I met a new health worker last week – an oncologist.

I felt a now familiar mix of dread and hope as we listened to what he had to say.

His efficient approach was a breath of fresh air compared to the disorganised communication we've had with other medics.

In drought-stricken Eastern Africa, where children are dying, nobody cares much about how doctors communicate.

All that matters is that they save lives. Please sign the petition to help.

I'm tagging Liz, Tara, Becky, Laura and Erica to blog about this too.

Love at first sight...or was it sound?

2011-08-06T19:09:32+01:00

FIFTEEN years ago a wannabe reporter sailed through an interview at an evening paper in the Midlands.

I should have been there to grill the then BBC radio journalist. But I was on holiday. I must have been a bit nervous. What type of keen but potentially inexperienced new colleague would the editor foist upon us?

A week after I returned, I found out. The successful candidate phoned me. He hoped it would be a good idea to come along and say hello, perhaps I could give him a tour of the newsroom and help him find his way around a bit before he started.

I remember that call like it was yesterday, how lovely this new voice sounded, how quickly I agreed to his polite request and rather inexplicably, how much I was already looking forward to him turning up.

"I'd like to marry that man," I thought when he did.

Ridiculous isn't it? (Two children on, we aren't married yet!)

As he stood there, smiling, his blue-grey eyes twinkling and his immaculate suit making him look every inch a professional, I was knocked for six.

Beaming, I showed Neil round, introducing him to our colleagues. I remember thinking he could be my deputy, wouldn't that be great.

Days later he started work.

I wondered what on earth he must think of me as I asked him to write stuff, sent him out on jobs, or sometimes took him to task about some typo or confusing court reporting. If honest we all know this happened too often, sorry Darling. I wouldn't dare do anything to let him know how I felt as I started to day dream about meeting up after work.

If a group of us went out for a drink, I always tried my best to have a chat, wearing more make-up than I ever had before.

But soon I got another call with an offer I couldn't refuse.

Another editor wanted me to go and work for him, he'd pay well. Miles away, up North.

I agreed and a starting date was set.

It was at my leaving do that me and Neil got together.

Well I say got together, I jumped on him.

And I say, leaving do, but I wasn't allowed in after a few drinks in the pub. Club bouncers decided I was in no fit state.

Neil's car had broken down and he nearly hadn't made it, I was so nervous, I'd drank quite a bit, quite early on.

Neil offered to walk me home. So with a week before I was due to head off to my new job, I jumped on his lap on a park bench on the way home and told him how gorgeous he was. I'm not sure how much he understood. Too much vodka just possibly made me sound like I was talking in code.

And did I mention he was on calls? Neil was phoning the emergency services at regular intervals to see if there was anything to report for Monday's paper.

He also needed to ring me the next day to discuss these stories.

I got my apology in early. I was sorry for being too drunk to get into the leaving do, sorry he'd had to walk me home, sorry I was so pissed, sorry I'd jumped on him and sorry I'd gone on a bit.

And then it came.

"You don't have anything to be sorry about," he said.

I cannot tell you how I felt when I heard that. On top of the world comes close.

The kind souls in our office arranged a second leaving do.

That's when we became an item. Neil moved in with me for the few days before I was due to move.

As my new job turned into a nightmare, Neil was my rock. Truth be told I missed him too much.

My bosses weren't impressed.

"If you were anywhere near a professional you'd stay here at the weekend instead of shagging in Birmingham," they told me, among other things.

They may have had a point.

But we also managed to see each other in the week, even if it was a snatched hour here or there between a complicated train journey either way.

I hated my job but I knew I loved Neil.

And I have done ever since.

Halloween, love it or hate it?

2010-10-13T21:15:17+01:00

I'M not a fan and fully appreciate this makes me a killjoy.

What do you think? I recently posted about this on Ready for Ten and so far the comments seem about 50-50 as to those who say it's a great fun time and others who say no fangs. (Yes see what I did there.)

The parties can be great and there's lots of fab crafts to get stuck into, but it's trick or treating which leaves me cold.

My concerns are about kids thinking they can knock on people's doors fully expecting to be kindly given sweets, or in some cases, money.

I know there are plenty of people who share a sunny disposition and believe this is marvellous. I suppose I just happen to be a miserable old sod who doesn't like the thought of my daughters going from home to home asking for such treats.

And yes I am a complete hypocrite as I do keep plenty of sweets for the gangs of kids knocking at our door.

Photo shows gingerbread ghost biscuits from Asda, courtesy of Press Loft.

I hate gingerbread too. Bah humbug.

Check out my post and the very interesting comments from those who agree and disagree.

Win a walk with wolves to mark 3D release of Alpha and Omega

2010-10-13T20:44:28+01:00

IF your kids are into animals (particularly wolves) then we have a half-term treat for you. On 22nd October Alpha and Omega, will be released in wolftastic 3D in cinemas all over the country. The film is all about Kate and Humphrey, two wolves in the wild, who are trying to get home after being taken by park rangers and shipped halfway across the country.

To mark the release of the film on 3D, bloggers are being given the chance to win a walk with wolves no less via Ready for Ten.

Find out more about the walk, watch the film trailer and enter the competition here.

Some great resources for families with twins, triplets or more

2010-10-13T11:34:06+01:00

THIS is a cross-post from Ready for Ten, where I'm editor and where lots of marvellous bloggers write about life with kids aged six to nine.

We have a twice weekly 'best of the web' post and this week one of these has been about multiple birth families. I hope you find some of the links here useful and that you can check out the bloggers mentioned and perhaps add any details of who I've missed.

I also hope you can check out Ready for Ten in general as it's a lively fun site with some great writing from the likes of Deb, Rosie, Ellen, Liz, Joanne, lovely Jo, Ian, another lovely Jo, Tim, Maggie, Kath, Alice, Cathy, Keris, Camilla, Ursula, Jane and Jan.

If you've got twins, triplets or more aged six to nine, then you'll already know how you get twice, three times or more the fun. You'll have survived those first years that pass by in a whirl and be facing up to questions arising at school, or perhaps changing family dynamics.

This is a follow up post to Sophie's round up of resources for anyone tackling the sometimes tricky relationships between brothers and sisters.

Support networks

Anyone seeking guidance on the unique challenges having multiple birth children of this age can bring can join Tamba, the Twins and Multiple Births Association, which has a brilliant online forum as well as a network of experts who can help with issues arising such as sibling rivalry or concerns about confidence or self esteem. Another wonderful resource is the website Twinsclub.co.uk which has hugely popular support boards and lots of articles written by parents for parents.

Ready for Ten contributor Ursula Hirschkorn has a brilliant blog, Four down mum to go, which reflects on the reality of how younger twins can fit in with the rest of the family. On the NHS Choices website, as well as features about babies and toddlers, you can also find useful and brilliantly researched information about multiple myths and twins in school.

Double the fun for bloggers

The British Mummy Bloggers group also has a section for parents of multiple birth children. And while many of its members have younger children, there's plenty of mutual understanding and empathy on offer, whatever your children's age.

Heather at Young and Younger carried a multiple births carnival which made for interesting reading and fellow blogger Marianne Woolley is set to welcome guest posters at the third Multiples Mayhem carnival on October 25.

Emily at More than Just a Mother recently posted about the age old thorny question of assumptions people make about twins.

More blogging twin mums with a sense of fun and thought-provoking posts are Michelle, Everyday Stranger, Plan B and Rebecca.

Mum of triplets and home educator Grit has a fantastic blog, packed full of inspiration for creativity and individuality.

There are oodles more blogging mums and dads, please do add your favourites in the comments. Here's a massive list from 2008.

You can read the rest of this post over at Ready for Ten.

And if you have any suggestions for further 'best of the web' topics, do let us know!

Half a story

2010-09-26T18:33:47+01:00

© Copyright Keith Havercroft and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence

I'VE been writing a lot about mental health lately on our Breaking the Silence blog as well as for the magazine One in Four.

This has largely involved helping people tell their stories of mental distress.

Posts by Suzie Grogan about her family history and Deerbaby who wrote about a fleeting moment etched on her memory inspired me to find out more about an institution I mentioned in our recent carnival of blog posts about mental illness.

And I've discovered half a story. It's the sort of story the me of 15-20 years ago would have jumped on. I may still do that. Perhaps I could pull a more in-depth report together.

Services at the psychiatric hospital in the town where I grew up are under review. The hospital was something me and my friends grew up making jokes about, and my mum in her then customary fashion, explained to me when I was a child, it was for people "who had a bath with their clothes on."

But I never knew that in Feb 1969 24 patients died in a fire there.

They were locked in, despite a previous change in the law that said patients shouldn't be. Most of the patients died from smoke inhalation.

An accident investigation found no night staff had been trained in fire evacuation procedures for at least 20 years despite urgent calls for such training six years earlier. There was a delay of 10 minutes between a nurse first noticing smoke and calling the fire brigade. The report also found that staffing at the hospital was "on the low side".

I'm thinking I'd like to go to my home town and see the local coverage that followed, track down relatives of people who died and see what they remember of what happened and what action, if any they took after the fire.

The 24 patients who died were described as elderly women. Things were said to be made worse by the age of the building, referred to in the Hansard report of questions on the subject in the immediate aftermath as “Constructed 14 years before the Indian Mutiny,” and by the fact that women patients were routinely locked in their ward at night.

Staffing was also questioned after the event – only two qualified nurses and a junior to oversee almost 100 severely mentally ill women, some of whom couldn't move from their beds.

Questions were asked in the House of Commons about the fire and fire reporting was reviewed in the wake of the tragedy.

I find this fascinating.

And I think I'd like to know more.

Back on a 'healthy eating plan' - I just can't say "diet"

2010-09-26T11:41:27+01:00

"I SHED six stone, just look at me now!” scream the headlines and we admire how a champion slimmer conquered a lifetime of overeating to reach their target weight.

But revisit even the most successful dieter’s story later and often some or all of the pounds have piled back on.

I'm one of those people. Shortly before I had my children I'd lost four stone at Weight Watchers. Since having them, it's all gone back on, plus some more. Two years ago I lost two stone quite quickly through "better" eating and going to the gym - which I love once I get there.

Once you have lost weight – whether it’s a little or a lot - it is all too easy to be lulled into a false sense of security. I got stuck in a diet/binge/feel bad cycle and wrote last year about binge eating as well as writing for One in Four magazine about a relationship between obesity and depression.

Psychologist Dr Mike Green, from Aston University, says that changing your eating habits to allow for long-term weight loss means a “massive” shift in behaviour over a prolonged period of time.

He says that often people who have had a more ‘chaotic’ rather than ‘routine’ approach to eating can struggle to achieve or maintain weight loss.

“It’s important to regularise eating patterns. This certainly can’t be addressed by a quick fix approach,” says Dr Green.

“You are seeking to address attitudes to food built up through habitual eating habits and to lose weight, you need to suppress hunger or the feeling that you are hungry.

“In actual fact, research has shown that for dieters, the reason they eat often has little to do with biological hunger, so they have to tackle their eating patterns.

“If they fail to do this, as soon as they eat ‘normally’ again, the weight will go back on.”

Nutritionist Lyndel Costain adds: “Some people find it harder. Genetic influences, learned eating and exercise habits, including using of food to cope with comfort, stress or emotions while growing up, all play a part.

“People who have struggled with their weight are more prone to the dangers of 'all or nothing' thinking - if they lapse or eat a 'bad' food, have a blow-out or miss the gym a few times, they slip into into negative self-talk where they tell themselves they have blown it as they always do or they are hopeless and may as well give up.

“Recognising and turning this around is the key to success.

“Following an intense weight loss programme where there is rigid restraint, the risk of “all or nothing thinking” is greatly increased.

“That's why fad diets usually fail – they are too extreme to keep up. When 'broken,' the person feels a failure and gives up, when the fad diet was the failure, not them.”

Lyndel adds that research shows that while people may lose weight using different approaches, there are some common habits for long term weight loss success.

Thoughts, behaviour and mindset are key, she says, as are a healthy diet and active lifestyle.

“Most people who want to lose weight know what to do, adds Lyndel.

“But more often than not something keeps stopping them from keeping up healthier habits. When the next diet comes along with its tempting promises, or there’s the need to lose weight for a specific reason, it’s easy to jump on board.

“But the question to ask is if your chosen approach will really help you to recognise and change the thoughts and behaviour that have stopped you losing, then keeping weight off, in the past.”

Leading slimming organisations advise on keeping the weight off, by adapting their programmes long-term. The days of encouraging people to lose as much weight as possible, as quickly as possible are long gone.

A Slimming World spokeswoman says members are encouraged to find the motivation, confidence and support they need in order to make healthy and highly effective lifestyle changes for life.

Group support is also seen as a key element of people’s success with Weight Watchers.

Don’t forget that at these groups, the leader has successfully lost and kept off weight with the particular organisation.

A Weight Watchers’ rep dds: “We encourage small achievable changes to physical activity levels which can then be built upon to build up to a regular exercise regime – whether that’s walking a bit further each week, taking fitness classes, or going to the gym. So again, it’s much more likely to be followed long-term if it is something you enjoy doing.”

At Rosemary Conley, exercise is incorporated into the weekly meetings.

According to Lyndel, key elements of success are to:

• Believe that you can control your weight and the changes involved are really worth it

• Stay realistic and value what you have achieved rather than dwell on a weight you ‘dream’ of being

• Be more active – plan ways to fit activity into your daily life – aim for an hour of walking daily

• Plan ahead for regular meals and snacks, starting with breakfast

• Choose a balanced, low-fat diet with plenty of fruit and vegetables

• Watch portion size and limit fast food

• Sit down to eat and take time over meals, paying attention to what you are eating

• Have a flexible approach – plan in and enjoy some favourite foods without guilt

• Recognise and address ‘all or nothing’ thinking and other negative ‘self-talk’

• Keep making conscious choices

• Learn to confront problems rather than eat, drink, sleep or wish they would go away

• Enlist ongoing help and support from family, friends, professionals or websites

• Regularly (at least once a week but not more than once daily) check your weight.

• Take action before your weight increases by more than 2kg

She remains optimistic that anyone – whatever their past eating habits - can overcome the barriers to maintaining weight loss.

She says: “The good news is that with the right skills, mindset, and support, a healthier weight can still be achieved.”

So, over the last week I've tried again to take small steps to improve my diet and health. I have aimed to:

Reduce the amount of fast food/takeaways I buy - I haven't had any.
Drink more water
Eat more fish
Have five servings of fruit/veg a day

I've lost half a stone.

I don't want that yo-yo to go back up.

I'd also love to take more exercise but my confidence isn't there yet.

At the moment, I'm feeling happy and very motivated. Here's hoping I can enjoy the next month as much. I went to see Lyndel a couple of years back and she told me:

* Food is not 'good' or 'bad'.

* I am not 'bad' for getting fat. The way I eat is not 'disgusting'.

* I am not a failure for putting on weight after leaving a slimming club.

* I do not lack 'willpower'

* I should stop beating myself up about getting fat

* The way I eat, when I eat and how much I eat, is learned behaviour.

* I CAN EAT WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT (Yes I am shouting.)

* Hearing and starting to grasp these things, at the age of gone 40,made me cry.

And good luck Michelle! I know how you feel. x

Why twins' parties needn't be double the trouble

2010-09-17T15:51:23+01:00

FOR as long as my daughters have been school-age, I've considered it inevitable they'd be invited to different parties, one without the other.

This meant that when they were younger, we tended to try and make the time special for our other daughter in some way while their sister was out celebrating.

These days we basically just tell them ‘that’s life.’ They both have their own mates after all and we wouldn’t expect other mums to automatically invite their sister.

One weekend for example, we had a friend of Melissa’ staying as Emily was invited to a sleepover along with a select group of three other girls – all members of what they call their ‘best friends' club.’

Being her sister didn’t guarantee entry.

Once a mum told me she didn't invite either daughter to a party because she didn't want to upset the other one.

But it’s not just going to parties that can throw up ‘interesting’ issues you never knew existed. A post by Joanne Mallon over on Ready for Ten all about birthday party etiquette, including what to do about inviting twins or going to a party for twins, has got me thinking.

Sometimes the smallest things about having a party or birthday would cause me to stop and think. Joint cards and presents were very gratefully received but we would have loved one each.

I remember one year, the sender had scribbled over the “you” on Wishing you a Happy Birthday to make it wishing you both a happy birthday. I muttered a bit but felt guilty at being ungrateful and perhaps, over-reacting. It was hardly the end of the world and at least they had gone to the trouble to send a card.

But when I spoke to oher mums of twins. I was heartened to find I was not alone, with the general consensus being only people without multiples would send a single card.

Karen, mum to Thomas and Benjamin, aged two, said: "This is one of my pet hates. People just don't seem to understand that they are individuals. They may be twins, but if you had two children of different ages, whose birthdays were the same, would they still only give one card?

“When my two had their first birthday, they had a few cards like this and I just couldn't help myself for saying something. People just thought that I was being picky, but this really drives me up the wall. Even worse is one present to share. ”

Emma, mum of Toby and Seth, also two, added: "When it was their first birthday we got a card saying Happy Birthday Twins. What made it slightly worse was that it was from my best friend who knows how much I dislike that sort of thing."

Lorraine, mum of triplets Harry, Laura and George pointed out that what to send or give to their friends on their birthday has also proved thought provoking.

She says: “My triplets always send a card each as well as a present, it may not cost much as they will usually get something from the £1 shop along with a large packet of sweets but at least they all get to give the birthday child a present and card.”

"As a mother of triplets I strive to promote individuality in our children and I would hope others would follow suit but sometimes they need a gentle reminder.

“My children attend lots of parties for other multiple birth children and I make sure that I practice what I preach. The obvious delight on a child’s face when they realise that they can open their own card and present from each of my children is wonderful.”

To be fair to card buyers, the range available isn't exactly overwhelming.

Choice is severely limited.

As children get older they do not want birthday cards that underline their being part of a multiple birth unit but at the very beginning, when they are first born, it would be nice to enjoy the same level of choice as other parents.

Top tips for a very happy birthday

Have a quiet word with friends and relations before the big day - politely ask them to send a card each.
Start as you mean to go on - However young your children, they are individuals and should be treated as such.
Practice what you preach - a present from each of your children, however inexpensive, will be well appreciated and should go some way to ensuring the favour is returned.
If you want to go to the effort separate thank you cards are also a nice idea.