To Every Man A Manswer

Halloween Costume Ideas

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 17:36:00 +0000

Dr. Awesome, Love your stuff. I have to go to a costume party through my wife's work tomorrow night. What should I wear? - Dave

Dave,

I have a list of unmanswered manswers backed up a couple of months, but I'm bumping this one to the top of the queue due to timeliness. Your need is immediate, so this gets elevated to manswer DEFCON 1. The last thing you need to do is compromise your masculinity by wearing a wussified costume. So let me help you out here.

Basically, I break down costumes into two categories: ones that require dressing up, and ones that don't. Now I prefer the non-dress up costumes, simply because when I get "dressed up" it is usually in camouflage, and something dies. And I've found that a good way to kill the mood at a costume party is to walk in with a freshly killed mountain lion. So I prefer what I call "psychological" costumes. But we'll get to those in a second. If you must dress up, go with something like:

- Superman. If you're going to dress up, why not pick a costume of someone who could destroy everybody else at the party with his heat vision? Sure, you could dress up as a different super hero, but why dress up in a lesser costume that guarantees you'll get your tail whipped by Superman? This costume works even if Yoda is at your party, as we all know who would win that fight. Go for the grand slam, go for the most powerful costume. Disclaimer though, don't dress up your infant as Superman. My parents made this mistake when I was younger, and I was confused for years. Why would Superman need a stroller?

- Special Forces attire. Another possibility for dressing up is to be prepared for random troubling situations that might arise. Great, dressing up as Super Mario might be creative and fun, but a plunger and a comical mustache will not help you when terrorists attack. At that point you'll definitely wish you had come dressed as a ninja. Think of John McClain in Die Hard and how he had to run across the broken glass because he didn't have shoes on. Be prepared! Note that the Superman costume works here too, because what terrorist expects freaking Superman to be at the party?

- Mime. This costume is ingenious for getting you out of small talk. You can still enjoy all the food and refreshments that people have out, since mimes have to eat or they will die off and the world be will a sadder place. But the second some boring bozo who doesn't know a thing about sports comes up to you and tries to start a conversation, you can just pretend you are stuck in an invisible box climbing a ladder. Ingenious! The perfect costume for the man who is unhappy about attending a costume party.

- Kanye West. This one is probably going to be overdone this Halloween, but you could always get one of those fake plastic bald things, paint some weird designs on it, and then go around telling everyone that Beyonce is better than them. I like this idea because it is timely, but any self-respecting terrorist is going to shoot Kanye right at the beginning. So definitely consider that before you pick this costume.

-Falcon (Balloon Boy). Another one that is timely but will probably be overdone this year. However, everyone else will be wearing huge silver helium filled Jiffy Pop looking balloons, which is all wrong. Falcon was never actually in the balloon. Little Falcon is kind of like Simon from Die Hard With A Vengeance when he said there was a bomb in a school, but only said that so he could steal 18 dump trucks worth of gold. Falcon just wanted his fifteen minutes of fame, which he is getting by being on this blog. To get the costume right, all you have to do is take a cardboard box and sit in it all night. To be as factual as possible, you should try and put the box upstairs in the attic, and don't say anything if the cops are looking for you. It is a very simple and multifunctional costume, and you can pretend to sleep to lure the Halloween terrorists into a false sense of security. And yes, I watched Die Hard this past weekend, hence all the references.

So if you insist on dressing up, those are the directions you should go. But I prefer psychological costumes...costumes where you don't have to dress up, where you instead get inside the head of those who wonder why you aren't wearing something stupid like they are. So under this scheme, you'd just show up at the part wearing normal clothes. When someone comes up to you asking who you are supposed to be, you can respond in several ways:

Clever: "I'm you, only way smarter and more sexy."

Mood killer: "I am a guy with (insert terminal disease here)."

15 year old: "I am a guy who just got done making out with your mom, BOOM!"

Annoyed: "I am a guy with a bad head ache, please leave me alone."

Gross: "I'm a guy with a highly contagious stomach virus."

Hostility: "I am a guy from the future, I have come back in time to tell you that you are an idiot and to shut up your face."

Direct: "Go away. I hate you."

Mood killer 2: "My lack of a costume represents the profound sadness that all of the people who are too impoverished to celebrate Halloween are currently experiencing."

Paranoid: Don't say anything, but point to the sky and mouth "They can hear us."

Emotional roller coaster: "Actually I am your father. No seriously, I know this is confusing, but your mom and me, well, a few years ago...anyway, go get your Pops something to drink."

Deaf: You can do any/all of the above by writing on little note cards that you are a deaf guy who doesn't know sign language but very much enjoys finger foods.

So Dave, those are my quick suggestions for costume ideas. If you're going to dress up, go for a costume that accomplishes something, like helping you be ready for danger, or helping you get out of small talk. But probably the most manly costume is to go for the subtle, sarcastic, psychological approach. People will not want to mess with you, which is good, because you don't need to get too emotionally attached to people who might get hit by stray bullets in a Halloween terrorist firefight. You might be thinking such an attack is unlikely, but I ask you, when is the easiest time for a bunch of guys dressed up like terrorists to walk around in the open without anyone asking questions? Heck, if I was a terrorist, that's when I would attack, just because the only thing better than spreading terror is spreading terror AND getting free candy. So be prepared Dave.

Dr Awesome

UPDATE: Dave, if you (or anyone else) decide to use any of these suggestions, send a picture and I'll post them here.

Fire Guide

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 14:55:00 +0000

Dr. Awesome,

I was watching some footage of all the wildfires in California, and was wondering what I should do if I ever catch on fire. Any suggestions?

Marc

Marc,

This is an interesting manswer topic, perhaps one of the most important topics I've ever received. Yes, it is important to watch manly movies, wear manly clothing, and do other things that carry the flag of manliness onto pansified battle fields of pansitude. But all of that takes a back seat when you are actually on fire. I'd say that in all my years of being manly, maybe only twice have I actually had to do something manly while I was on fire. And one of those times was intentional...I was subduing a feral pig and I wanted to save time by cooking the meat while I wrestled it. So in almost every circumstance, your number one priority should be to extinguish the flames on your own physical person before you carry out acts of masculinitude. And that's what I'm going to help you with today.

Let's start with a history lesson. When I was younger, I was a boy scout for a couple of weeks. It didn't last very long, because they refused to allow me to enter my gas-powered pinewood derby car in the competition. In hindsight I can see why...the pinewood derby race track was not built to handle a vehicle that could travel in excess of 75 mph. But still, I didn't want to be a part of an organization that stifled my abilities, so I quit. My time there was not a total waste though...I still know their motto of ‘be prepared’, and try to live my life by it. There are any number of dangerous things that could happen to you at any given time. That's why I almost never sleep, I am always heavily armed, and I spend most of my day in a battle-ready crouched position. I frequently practice leaping into action. I've asked people before to use three terms to describe me, and invariably the terms they list are 1) locked 2) cocked and 3) ready to rock. Thank you, boy scouts, for helping me to always be prepared.

Now, chances are most of you will never catch on fire. I wanted to give you specific numbers on those chances, so I googled “the likelihood of someone catching on fire today”. Amongst the results, I got back a tutorial on how to catch fire flies and a movie review for the film "Catch a Fire". Neither were helpful at the time, though I did bookmark that fire fly catching tutorial for when Baby Awesome gets older (yet another example of me being prepared). Anyway, there doesn't appear to be any readily available statistics that list your chances of catching fire today, which makes you wonder what the heck statisticians are doing with their time? But we do know it is within the realm of possibility. So any responsible person who wants to be prepared needs to know what to do when they find themselves engulfed in flames. Here is a list of dos and don'ts for how you should respond on the statistically-unknown-yet-still-possible chance you catch fire today. Note that these are not tips to prevent fires; there is plenty of information out there readily available on that topic. These are tips on what to do if you find yourself actually on fire:

-DO NOT look in a mirror. I am pretty sure this will only heighten the level of hysteria in the given moment.
-DO NOT investigate the source of the flames immediately. You are on fire, first things first. You can always track down the culprit and set him on fire later.
-DO NOT practice super hero ninja moves. As cool as that will look, again, you need to remember that you are on fire.
-DO NOT simply stop, drop, and roll without identifying your surroundings first. For example, if you happen to be near a patch of poison ivy or in a storage shed filled with fireworks, chances are it will only make the bad situation worse. Try finding a creek or a shallow pond.
-DO NOT admire the flames. Yes, they can be mesmerizing, possibly even romantic, but save the fire gazing for when the flames are located in a fireplace, not your khakis.
-DO NOT expect Smokey the Bear to come to your rescue. Even if you are in a forest. He is a fictitious character, thus this scenario is highly unlikely. Expecting help from any animal creature, fictitious or otherwise, is probably unrealistic. Unless you were prepared and trained your dog to fetch buckets of water, like I have done.
-DO NOT be so snooty that you’re against using a lawn sprinkler as opposed to the specifically designed ceiling sprinklers. In the event of you being in flames, both will be effective reaching the end goal you are seeking. Plus, as a general rule being snooty is never good. That may be why you are on fire. You might need to examine yourself in the mirror. Unless you are on fire.
-DO maneuver your way under a smoke detector, so as to alert others to your predicament.
-DO tell whatever people that show up that they should stay away. Hugs are important, but not when you are on fire. The only worse thing than one person on fire is two people on fire.
-DO grab a bag of microwave popcorn, if you have one handy. Once you have been extinguished, you'll probably be hungry, and you'll have a delicious bag of popcorn ready to be eaten.
-DO try and get someone to take your picture for your Facebook profile. Everything happens for a reason, and it's possible the reason for this is because God wanted you to have a hilarious profile pic.
-DO take your pants off if that is the location of the flames. The Golden Rule of Steves is not in play when your goods are on fire.
-DO check the liquid you are about to use to douse the flames. Water is good, gasoline would obviously be bad. Liquid Nitrogen might be tempting, but probably a bit of overkill, unless you have the ability to reform your body after it has been shattered like the T-1000 in Terminator 2.
-DO try some shock evangelism if there are people nearby. "Turn or burn" is much more effective if you are actually turning and burning.

There’s more that could go on this list, but I know that in this situation time is very valuable so we'll cut it off here. I don't want you wasting that time trying to remember an excessive list of tips. Just know if you can avoid the things mentioned above you will prevent the situation from getting worse. I would suggest coming up with sort of mnemonic device or something, like SohCahToa is supposed to help you remember geometry. Or was it SahCohToa? Crap if I know. Anyway, I hope this helps, Marc, should you wake up one morning and find yourself flaming.

Dr Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - Mancession?

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 14:41:00 +0000

Dr. Awesome,

I have heard from multiple sources the recent economic meltdown called a "mancession" as male unemployment rates have risen far more than female unemployment rates. Is this an appropriate term for what is happening? I don't like it, but I guess I can see where it comes from.

Thankfully still employed,
Matt

Matt,

No, I don't think this is an appropriate term. For one, it's really a stretch to put the word "man" into "recession." It's pretty easy to do it with words like man sandals (mandals), man nannies (mannies), man answers (manswers), and places where you prop your feet (ottomans). But you can't just put man on the front of any word you want to. That's mandiculous...see, great example, man ridiculous doesn't work. Another reason that I don't like this term is that men are not responsible for the recession. You've heard a lot of people getting blamed for what is going on...all the way from your average American living beyond his means to self-serving politicians and Wall Street bozos. But I'm willing to bet any amount of money you want that Carl Weathers had nothing to do with the recession. Therefore, not a mancession. The final reason I don't like this term is because I challenge the premise you mentioned. The only reason that male unemployment rates are higher than female is because more men had jobs to begin with. This is because of the bias against females inherent in the system. If the world would just quit being so sexist and act a little more egalitarian, businesses could fire more women too. So overall, mancession is just not a helpful term. I don't even like "recession," since in order to have a RE-cession you have to have cessed in the first place, and who likes cess pools? Nobody. That's why I prefer the term "economic sucktacularfest," as I think that best describes what is going on.

Dr Awesome

Exercise Attire

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 18:06:00 +0000

Dr. Awesome

Thanks for your wisdom on the short-shorts issue. If only all men heeded your sound advice!

The issue of running apparel raises another question. These days, I see lots of guys out running sans shirt. (Some men even carry their shirts with them while they run.) I do understand that the summer heat makes for a rather warm personal climate while running, but I maintain that this partial disrobing is completely unnecessary. Shirtless men tend to fall into two distinct categories, and my reaction to both is "Please put your shirt back on for the love of all that is good and holy." It is, I feel, analogous to women traipsing about in bikini tops: if they are out of shape, no one wants to see that; if they are in shape . . . well, no one classy wants to see that. I mean, help a sister out! I don't want to be forced to gaze on pasty man-flesh when I'm walking to work; and even if you look good, I don't want to ogle you! Fit or flab, put your pecs away. Put your shirt on and sweat like a man.

Also, I suspect it is sexist to run topless, since women are not permitted to do likewise.

Thoughts?

Thanks again for all you do, and all my best to Mrs.and Baby Awesome!

Alexis

Alexis,

Sorry it has taken me so long to get around to manswering you. I'm running out of excuses, so I'll make one up: I was at a secret government lab in Paraguay developing a toxic nerve agent that makes enemy troops think their pants are on fire. It's like a Jedi mind trick, except more hilarious. The real question is, am I making this excuse up, or is it legitimate? Is it really true, and Dr Awesome is just using it as his cover by hiding the truth in plain sight? Keep watching...don't be surprised if some wacky videos of the Iranian military doing some fire dances start appearing on the Youtubes. All of that to say, I'm back now, and ready to get my manswer on. Oh, you asked about my family...Mrs Awesome and Baby Awesome are doing great. At four months old, Baby Awesome has already killed a raccoon, mastered Pig Latin, and is busy writing a commentary on the book of Ecclesiastes. So I have high hopes for her. And Mrs Awesome continues to be better than I deserve. So things are well here, thanks for asking.

Now, on to your manswer. Running without a shirt on can be problematic, sure. The average man today is flabby and decidedly un-ripped, and should therefore not ever take his shirt off in public. It's questionable as to whether he should even take his shirt off in private either. Maybe showering while wearing an undershirt would provide motivation to lay off the Papa Johns and hit the elliptical a little harder. But you are right about folks exercising shirtless. You know how when you open a can of biscuits, and the ooey biscuit stuff overflows the top of the can in every direction? Many flabby men look like this, with their lower-half being the can and their torso resembling the biscuitous mixture. So, if you are biscuitous, do not take your shirt off in public. It's the golden rule...if you don't want to see a pasty biscuit explosion overflowing someone's pants, then don't force that image on to other people. You can still exercise, you can still go to the beach, but you just need to keep yourself covered up. Yeah, it might be hot, but the sweating is good for you. And the stench can be masked with copious amounts of Old Spice. So if your midsection resembles a can of delicious biscuits, do the world a favor and keep your shirt on. So far, Alexis, you and I are in agreement.

But where I'm going to disagree is on the appropriateness of exercising with your shirt off if you are ripped up two ways from Tuesday. I can't tell you how many times I've had conversations with other biscuitous dudes regarding what our lives would be like if we were jacked up like a pro-wrestler or an NFL linebacker. Invariably, the conversation becomes all the different places we would go without our shirt on. That's because it is assumed that, if we were really that jacked, we would never ever cover up our statuesqueness. Pretty much we would wear whatever pants are appropriate for the given situation...shorts if we're at the gym, jeans for a casual date, dress slacks with a belt and leather shoes for a formal meeting. We might even tie a tie around our neck if we were going to a wedding or funeral. But there is no way we'd be wearing a shirt. We would walk around, jacked through the roof, flexing for all the world to see. We'd even flex for the stupidest reasons, such as contorting our bodies in weird ways while offering directions to inquiring tourists. "Yeah, the bus stop is (huge Hulk Hogan flex) THAT WAY!!!" (followed by cupping our hand to our ear to solicit a reaction from the crowd). And nobody would scoff at this...all men would be jealous, and all women would want to bear our children. That's the kind of awesomeness you would get from wanton shirtless jacked uppery.

I know, Alexis, that you claim you don't want to see this, since you'd prefer to not have to ogle. And you claim that this is sexist, since women can't walk around shirtless. I'm not sure I'd say it is sexist...the fact of the matter is, women aren't visually stimulated like men are, so a shirtless woman creates a thousand times bigger problem than a shirtless dude. Think of how many wrecks have been caused by a shirtless jacked up dude running down the sidewalk, and then compare that number with the wrecks caused by a woman jogging in a sports bra. The bottom line is that men can't handle the temptation, so it's better for you ladies to stay fully clothed. I'm already sizing up Baby Awesome for some little girl Afghanistan clothing, just so I won't have to destroy any man that even thinks about checking her out. But women have more control over their temptations, so they aren't likely to cause any wrecks or traffic jams by staring down a shirtless man of badicalness. Rather than rear end someone while yelling out the window, women will calmly find a place to park, make sure their belongings are secured in the trunk or under the seat, and only then proceed to chase down the man with offers of bearing his progeny.

But overall, you raise some good points. Men, if your midsection is best described using the same terminology that applies to uncooked doughy biscuits rising out of a can, it would probably be better if you spend the rest of your life completely clothed. But if you have somehow reached a stage where you are so jacked that people confuse you for a statue or possibly a character from Greek mythology, then don't keep yourself covered. Share with the world how gigantor you are. Yes, you might cause some women to stumble, but that's a small price to pay for displaying to one and all what the perfect human form looks like. I'm sorry that ladies don't quite have the same options for shirtlessness, but as I've mentioned, men cease to function mentally when a shirtless woman runs by. That's way worse than the reaction that women have for shirtless men. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go take a shower with my shirt on.

Dr Awesome

Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee: Round 8

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 15:31:00 +0000

Our even less than quasi-weekly Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee: Round 8 begins now.

Last week's winners:

mjbagel: Another wedgie? Are you kidding me?

brodave: FFFRRRREEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!!!!

jackandmandy: I hope Bin Laden DOES choke Kanye out with his beard.

Now, let's see who is man enough to come up with something for this one:

Not a Manswer: Yellowstone Dawn

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 15:04:00 +0000

I'm taking a break from the usual manswer format today to share with you a screenplay for a movie I just wrote. I don't know how many of you have been watching, but this week PBS has been running a pretty good documentary on the history of the US National Parks. I really do love exploring the national parks; I've been to several of them, and want to visit them all. While I was watching this show, I was wondering to myself what would make it better. And a thought occurred to me...what if I combined my love of the national parks with my love of badical action movies? So ladies and gentlemen, today I give you the product of that wondering: Yellowstone Dawn. If you have any suggestions as to which actors should play which parts, I'd be more than happy to hear them. Also any songs for the soundtrack you have in mind, along with where in the movie they should go. Without further ado, Yellowstone Dawn.

Scene 1: Yosemite National Park. A couple of dudes are having a nice day climbing El Capitan.

Dude 1: Sure is a nice day for a climb.
Dude 2: Yep. Hey, that looks like a missile headed straight for us.
Dude 1: Oh no!

Missile blows up the side of El Capitan and the dudes perish. In the valley below, a terrorist who is definitely not from the Middle East so as to avoid stereotypes looks on with a grim smile.

Terry (that is his name): Phase 1 of my plan is complete. Terrorist sidekick with a thick yet unidentifiable accent who is the brawn behind this outfit, get me the President on the phone.
Brawny terrorist: Aye sir.
Hot lady who has misgivings about the terrorist plan but is attracted to Terry's charisma: Ooh, let's make out.
Terry: Sounds good.

(They make out, but we cut away quickly because this movie is PG)

Scene 2: Oval Office. President Wong, played by an Asian lady for the purposes of diversity, walks in and sees the red phone on her desk ringing.

President Wong: Herro?
Terry: Sup President. I'm sure you've heard by now that I shot a missile in Yosemite. If you don't give me ten billion dollars, as well as total control of Louisiana (their gumbo is delicious), I'm going to blow up Yellowstone.
President: Ten Birrion! Rouisiana! Yerrowstone! You are crazy.
Terry: Why are you pronouncing all of your Ls like Rs?
President: I am an Asian lady for the purposes of diversity, and I am playing into the stereotype.
Terry: That makes sense. Get me my money and my gumbo or Yellowstone is ancient history.
President: I see you have an appreciation for irony, since Yerrowstone features many ancient seismic formations.
Terry: You have one hour.
President: Ok, bye.
(hangs up, then turns to VP American Indian)
President: Get me someone from the National Parks Service.
VP Tenderfoot: Yes ma'am.

Scene 3: A busted up double wide trailer somewhere way out in the middle of Yellowstone. A caucasian Park Ranger named John Ranger is asleep on his couch covered in empty bottles of bourbon. The door busts open, and in walks a token hilarious black sidekick named Jamal.

Jamal: Wake up John! Fo' shizzle!
John: Leave me alone. I prefer to be drunk, because at some point before this movie started, my wife left me and took my dog. The only way I would get up is if my country needed me in some way. This is foreshadowing.
Jamal: You crazy, white boy, you crazy!
(Phone rings, John answers)
VP Tenderfoot: Hello, this is the Vice President. Stand by to talk to President Wong.
John: Ok.
President Wong: Herro John. Terry the Terrorist is about to blow up Yerrowstone National Park. You must stop him.
John: But President, I'm in Yellowstone. I've never even heard of Yerrowstone.
President: Please do not make fun of my R and L situation. It is a sensitive topic.
John: Sorry. How much time do I have to stop this guy?
President: 57 minutes.
John: Ok, gotta go, talk to you later.
President: You are Yerrowstone's onry hope. Good ruck.
John: I seriously have no idea what you just said.
(hangs up, then turns to Jamal)
John: I am totally sober now, and we've got 57 minutes to stop Terry the Terrorist from blowing this whole place up.
Jamal: Oh snap! Let's roll!
(John and Jamal take off on their horses)

Scene 4: Terry, Brawny Terrorist, and Hot Lady are by Ol' Faithful setting up their explosives.

Brawny: How do you plan on blowing up this whole place?
Terry: If I drop my explosives into a very active seismic area, the resulting earthquakes and volcanoes and such will destroy everything. Look, why don't you worry about taking out any pesky park rangers who show up, and leave the planning to me.
Brawny: You got it boss.
Terry: I should take the time to explain to no one in particular why I'm doing this. I had a bad experience on a youth group retreat one time, which leads me both to an abiding hatred of national parks, and an abiding love of bayou gumbo. This is character development.
Hot lady: I have reservations about this plan, because while you two were talking I walked over and made friends with a lovable moose. I don't want to hurt him.
Terry (slaps her): If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
Hot lady: My current expression shows that I don't like you anymore, and that I will most likely wind up helping any park rangers who show up.
(John and Jamal come riding up)
John: Stop, you terrorist! I am John Ranger, here to foil your nefarious plans!
Terry: Wait, you're a park ranger named John Ranger?
John: Yeah, I get that a lot. I'm named John because all action heroes are named John, and the Ranger thing was just lucky I guess.
Terry: Well I don't think John Ranger is a very catchy name.
John: Oh yeah? Well your mom is not very catchy!
Terry: That doesn't make sense.
(John punches Terry, but doesn't see Brawny sneaking up behind him and Jamal. He cracks them both over the head, and they get knocked out. Brawny puts them in a cage suspended over Old Faithful. They wake up, and see Terry putting the finishing touches on his missile)
John: You'll never get away with this!
Terry: Oh but I will. I am leaving now. I could have killed you earlier, but instead I put you in a cage that you can only escape from if someone helps you. Good luck with that.
(Terry, Brawny, and Hot Lady leave).
John: Well darn, we are in a real pickle.
Jamal: Sho' nuff! I was hoping to get a crack at that Brawny guy, so that I could deliver a token one liner.
John: Yep. If only someone would help us get out of this cage.
Jamal: Who even knows we're here who would be sympathetic enough to help us get out of this precarious situation?

Scene 5: Terry and co. are headed out of the park to get away from the explosion

Hot Lady: I sure do miss my new moose friend. And John was very attractive.
Terry: Well, whatever you do, don't run away while Brawny and I are not looking.
(Hot Lady's moose friend and some of his buddies moose-rush the vehicle the terrorists are in, distracting Brawny and Terry. Hot Lady runs away)
Hot Lady, to the mooses: Thanks guys!
Terry: We didn't need her anyway. I hope I don't regret telling her where our secret hideout is.

Scene 6: Back at Old Faithful, Hot Lady comes riding up on the back of her moose friend.

Hot Lady: I am here to rescue you. The timer on the missile shows only 60 seconds, so this is going to be very dramatic and exciting.
John: Tell you what. If you let me down, I'll disarm the missile, you and I will make out for a bit, and then Jamal and I will go chase Terry.
Hot Lady: Sounds good. I know where they are heading, and after we make out I'll tell you.
(All of that happens)

Scene 7: Terrorist hideout.

Brawny: Shouldn't our missile have gone off by now?
Terry: Yes. I hope nothing went wrong.
John shows up: Something did go wrong. Your girlfriend, who is now my girlfriend, helped us escape. I disarmed your explosives, made out with her, and now I'm here to fight you to the death.
Terry: It would be very interesting if, before we fought, a chase scene ensued where you end up squaring off with me and Jamal ends up squaring off with Brawny.
John: Agreed.
(That happens. First, we see Jamal catch up with Brawny)
Brawny: You cannot beat me, as I am strong and foreign.
Jamal: Insert hilarious joke here.
(Jamal takes a beating, but ultimately kills Brawny)
Jamal: Insert a second, even more hilarious joke here.
(Back to John and Terry)
John: Give it up, Terry, you are through
Terry: No way, Ranger. You'll have to kill me!
John: Ok
(John kills Terry)
John: One liner.

Scene 8: John, Jamal, Hot Lady, and the moose are in the Oval Office with the President

President: John, the entire nation owes you a debt of gratitude.
John: Just doing my job. All I want to do now is settle down with Hot Lady and our new moose friend and live a peaceful life.
(phone rings)
President: Herro?
Jerry, Terry's brother: This is Jerry, Terry's brother. I am at the Grand Canyon with an even more evil plot than my brother had. If you want to stop me, it will at the very least take an entire sequel.
President: Oh no!
John: Jamal, there's more work to do.
Jamal: Man whitey, you keep me all twisted up in the game!
(everyone laughs, including Jerry, who apparently is still on the phone)
Jerry: Try and stop me!
John: See you in a bit.

Roll credits, including "COMING SOON: YELLOWSTONE DAWN 2: CANYON DESTINY"

Manliest Animal

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:15:00 +0000

Dr. Awesome:

What is the manliest animal? I am not asking out of idle curiosity, but for purposes of badicalness. If a man ever needed to a) prove his love to a woman by presenting her with a trophy or b) regain man-points by either slaying the creature after an epic battle of brain and brawn or forcing it into frightened servitude via superior willpower, what would be the best animal? It's tempting to answer "bear" immediately, but I immediately second-guessed myself. Why? Because, for one, the male bull shark has the highest concentration of testosterone in its blood out of the entire animal kingdom. So I thought I would appeal to you, with your numerous PhDs and extensive knowledge on all things manly, to put this question to rest.

Hunter

Hunter,

I'd be remiss if I didn't point out how appropriate it is for someone named "Hunter" to ask this question. Well, played, Hunter's parents, for naming him something that would leave him no choice but to be testosteriffic when he grows up. Now on to your question, first let me advise you that women, in general, respond better to flowers and candy rather than trophies and certificates. I know this from personal experience. I thought the flowers and candy thing was way over done, so one year I decided to give Mrs. Awesome a "Wife of the Year" certificate that I created in Microsoft Word. Despite it being straight from the heart and printed on the finest laser printer paper, she was less than pleased. In retrospect, I should have at least had it framed. But you didn’t come to learn about why I spent 2005 sleeping on the couch, so let’s get to the focus on the manliest animal.

It’s quite the daunting task to place a label on the manliest animal. That’s like putting Chuck Norris, Mr. T, William Wallace, Jack Bauer, the Ultimate Warrior, and a host of others in a King of the Ring match. There is no way you could tell me with absolute certainty who would be wearing the crown at the end. However, we do know who is better at fighting British oppression or pitying fools or growing beards while selling the Total Gym. We can look at various categories and tell who is more likely to dominate in that particular area. So in a similar manner, I'll look at the two categories you mentioned, and then tell you what animal works best for each.

We’ll start with one you mentioned, woman wooing. From my experience, women are not fans of purposeless killings of animals. Subduing a male bull shark is quite a feat, but unless like me you have a freezer room at your house dedicated to the preservation of hanging meat, your fridge would never hold all those fish sticks. There would be significant waste, which might prove your love of inefficiency rather than your love for her. To capture a woman’s heart, you need to take down an animal that is multifunctional. That is why a cow is your best choice. After slaying a cow, you can cook her dinner, fashion her a matching belt and purse, even a bible cover. And if you plan things well and give the gift during a blizzard, the two of you can crawl inside the carcass and stay warm. Women love to snuggle. Sure, it's not that difficult to stalk and take down a cow...I do it every morning because I like beef and unpasteurized milk for breakfast. But as far as versatility, cows are pretty high up there. Nothing says "I love you" like steak, leather, and snuggling in a carcass.

Our next category takes into account your second point, most impressive animals to defeat in an epic battle. A major determinant here is where the clash goes down. Do you get home field advantage or does the animal? My manswer varies depending on that factor, because everybody knows a win on the road in front of a hostile crowd is more impressive than a win at home. For the sake of length, we’ll look at the altercation going down in the animal’s domain. The manliest creature for you to battle with on his own turf is probably a walrus. First of all, you would be subjected to subfreezing temperatures. I don’t know how much you weigh, but the walrus has hundreds of pounds of blubber to help keep warm. Advantage walrus. Secondly, due to the blubber, do you know how many body shots you have to land for them to ever be effective? Advantage walrus. Also, the walrus is at home on both land and in the water, which I think is called being ambidextrous. So he will try and get you into the icy waters, because he has flippers to go along with his tusks and can kill you in either way. Again, advantage walrus. Another point to consider, have you ever seen a walrus up close? They have mustaches. Not only are they manly, they must be wise. Furthermore, the walrus has two katana blades in his mouth, so he’s kind of like Storm Shadow, which means he is probably also skilled in ninjutsu. Granted I have never seen a walrus performing any type martial arts, but that is all the more reason to believe they can. That lays to rest any question about a walrus' mobility. Finally, as an animal, a walrus has all sorts of friends in the animal kingdom he can call on for backup. All animals hate humans, because we are so uppity, what with our literature and opposable thumbs and the fact that we are responsible for broadway musicals. So in this high stakes game, I'm thinking the wise-ninja walrus, with his size, cold-weather powers, and social connection to the rest of the animal world, is king.

So just off the top of my head, the two animals I think you'd want to go after are a cow and a walrus. Maybe one day scientists will find a way to successfully mate a walrus and a cow, creating some sort of super-animal that is both delicious and deadly. God help us if that ever happens. Anyway, best of luck to you, Hunter, as you try to bag these crafty creatures.

Dr Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - Divorce

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 18:33:00 +0000

Dr Awesome.

About 3 weeks ago, my wife left me and my son. Given the circumstances, (I've been replaced by a "boy", read: not a man, who I made the mistake of having as a friend) she isn't coming back.
I'm dealing with a divorce really well. I'm exercising a lot more, reading more books, wrestling all comers, etc.... The only thing I've not been doing is having much luck with women.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but being able to care for and live with a woman is, in my opinion, a large part of being a man.
Has 6 years of being married made me lose my edge on how to impress other women? Or is it just too soon, and I'm emotionally sabotaging myself?

Nick

Nick,

Sorry to go both serious and rapid-fire on you for this one, but I really think the manliest possible thing you could do in this situation is put every ounce of energy you have into getting her back. I realize reconciliation is not possible in every situation, but marriage is such an important thing that I wouldn't advise moving on until you've exhausted every possibility of fixing things. If it has really only been three weeks since she left you, I'm not sure that's really enough time to a) have done everything you could to reconcile or b) come to a point where you are ready to put six years of marriage behind you and start dating again. I'm sorry if you were expecting something humorous or sarcastic, but it makes me profoundly sad when I hear about marriages breaking up, and it's just not something I can joke about. I'll be praying that you and your wife can somehow patch things up, that she asks for forgiveness, that you grant it, and that y'all are able to move on stronger than before.

Dr Awesome

PDA

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 18:56:00 +0000

Dr. Awesome,

While working at my job in the warehouse of moving heavy objects, my co worker got a call from his wife. He did a little sweet talking to her and it felt a little weird after a while and slightly unmanly. So it got me thinking surely there must be some balance of letting someone you care for them and still be manly. Any thoughts on this would be much appreciated.

Matt

Matt,

Before I get to the manswer, I'm curious about your job. You mentioned that you work in a "warehouse of moving heavy objects." Now does that mean your job as a warehouse worker is to move heavy objects? Or are you employed at a warehouse where many heavy objects are in constant motion? I'd say the second is a more manly job, as dodging heavy objects would prepare you quite well to dominate American Gladiators-style competitions. I have an obstacle course in my back yard that includes many automotive engines suspended from chains, which I get my neighbors to hurl at me while I'm cutting the grass. I find that's a good way to get some cardio in, plus it helps me practice my jump kicks. Anyway, your warehouse job seems pretty cool, so I salute you sir.

Now, on to your coworker. Sweet talking is another one of those subjects that can be manly or unmanly, depending on a couple of variables. Much like talking to your children, the tone of your voice is much less important than the content of your words. Calling your spouse and professing your love to her in a sing songy voice is ok, provided you are reading her an epic narrative of how many men you've slain to attain her love. Conversely, calling your spouse and, in your deepest manly radio voice, telling her that she is your lovey wovey dovey schnookums wookums is abject pansitude. Remember that the key here is the message, not the method. So I'm reserving judgment on your coworker until I know what the content of his message is. Only if the content is pansified will I recommend hitting him with a moving heavy object.

Another aspect of your question, though, is more interesting. How do you express affection for another person when there are other people around? After all, this issue with your coworker has only come up because he is engaging in this behavior around other people. For the most part, public displays of affection should be avoided, just like that urge you get at every wedding reception to do the running man. Sure it may seem like its all good fun, but in reality everyone else is pointing and laughing at you. PDA, like impersonations of MC Hammer, are best for the privacy of your home.

So, when is PDA ok? Seldom, but there are occasions when you are in a public place and you need to show your significant other you care. When these moments arise, try to keep them short and classy, much like Emmanuel Lewis. A few suggestions might be throwing your arm over her shoulders, putting your hand on her lower back, or giving her a freshly skinned racoon hide. The last one could also be considered quite chivalrous if happens to be cold outside, so double points for that. We all know these moments can not always be avoided, so how do we approach them? I think everyone involved has a certain responsibility. This includes you, your spouse, and the public at large. Let's take a closer look at who is responsible for what.

MAN - You are the iniator of the affection. Trust me, I know what it's like to have women throwing themselves at you...I call it the Curse of the Biceps. But really, men should be the one taking the lead on this stuff. That way, you can be sure you are keeping it short and discrete. You want to communicate what needs communicating, and then move along. Display your affection publicly, but don't be gratuitous.

WOMAN - You are the receiver of the affection, so it's your responsibility to partner with the man in not letting things get out of hand. Yes, you're going crazy for his biceps, but you need to keep yourself under control. Remember you're in public. Accept his affection with the appropriate level of warmth, and then be about your business.

PUBLIC - You are the third member of this social contract. The man and the woman are being affectionate, and you have two roles here. Role one is to not watch them too closely. This isn't a show being put on for your benefit, so even though they are in public, give them a little privacy. But the flip side of this is that it is also your role to make sure things don't go too far. If the man and woman go from tasteful, Emmanuel Lewis-like affection to full fledge making out or worse, it's your responsibility as the public to throw a huge bucket of cold water on them. This might make them mad, but they didn't hold up their end of the bargain, so they have no leg to stand on.

As I mentioned, PDA is something that should be avoided. But in those rare instances when you do need to display some affection in public, such as when you need to let all potential suitors know that your lady is spoken for, then try and abide by these guidelines I've listed here. It will help you avoid your coworkers trying to anonymously belittle you via internet advice columns.

Dr Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - Dealing With A Stinky Friend

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 12:06:00 +0000

Dr. Awesome,

I come to you in great need. An old friend of mine is in dire need of a dudefrontation. He is one of my oldest friends, but in the past two years has become no one wants to casually chat with, let alone hang out with. The man barely showers, and couples with the fact that he is a big guy who sweats a lot results in him smelling like an unwashed toilet at all times. He also smokes like a chimney but refuses to acknowledge the fact that it bothers everyone.

He must have developed some sort an allergy to cleaning, as both his car and his room are horrifically dirty. I understand that some messiness is a part of every man's life. But this moves far beyond general messiness to a level I can only describe as "don't walk in there without closed toe shoes."

On top of all that my friend has forgotten all social rules. He frequently invites himself to places he is not wanted (due to everything above), makes inappropriate jokes at even less appropriate times, has no idea of how far is too far and in general is a jerk to everyone he comes into contact with.

The worst part of all is his horrible sensitivity, many other one on one dudefrontations have failed as he quickly tries to justify his rude behavior, or gets overly sensitive and defensive about any thing brought up, refusing to see his behavior as unacceptable, but rather deciding that the other person is being mean and is simply trying to tear him down.

This has been going on for some time now, and in the immortal words of Twisted Sister "We're not gonna take it anymore!" We need you help Dr. Awesome. You re our last hope

-Sam Vimes

Sam,

The questions keep getting longer while the manswers keep getting shorter. I promise I'll be back for some full length manswers soon, but in the meantime, let me address this question. This person you are describing sounds like that character from Austin Powers who was morbidly obese and whose parents were likely not married at the time of conception. So my first word of advice is to keep small children at a safe distance, just in case he politely invites them to get in his belly. You also mentioned that this began happening to your friend in the past two years, so that makes me wonder if something happened within that time period that triggered this unpleasant chain of events. Maybe he bought Windows Vista, maybe he didn’t like the addition of Kara DioGuardi to American Idol judges panel, maybe he was particularly upset when Pluto got stripped of its status as a planet, maybe he's a huge fan of the Big 10 and has gotten tired of his favorite football teams getting destroyed by teams from better conferences. Whatever it is, you have to figure it out and help him resolve his latent issues. The temptation is there to abandon your friend, and I certainly understand that, as he appears to be something of a rube. But still, Pluto is not coming back as a planet, so your friend needs your help now more than ever. If you can help him deal with some of his junk, perhaps your friendship can be restored to the original heights of its badicalness and his cleanliness. Or, just install one those office type fire hoses that unravel from the wall and follow him around blasting him every time he comes over. One of two things will happen: 1) he finally gets a shower 2) he stops coming over. Either way, you kind of win. You're welcome.

Dr. Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - Clothing Choices

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 10:54:00 +0000

Dr. Awesome,

I will get right to the point: my husband thinks collared shirts with gym shorts looks good, and is an acceptable clothing combination. I think collared shirts and gym shorts together look nerdy in an "uncool" way, and are an unacceptable clothing combination. What is your opinion on the matter?

God bless!
Beth
http://ohthosewalterboys.blogspot.com

Beth,

That is a strange choice of clothing combination. He’s trying to combine the best of both worlds: a nice looking professional shirt coupled with the comfort and freeness of mesh shorts, which is interesting to say the least. But I wouldn’t judge your husband too harshly just yet. Is there a chance he has some sort of alternate identity like Bruce Wayne and Batman, or maybe a secret profession that you just don’t know about like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies? Maybe his outfits are an attempt to gain the trust of unsuspecting unusually dressing evil band of terrorists, some nefarious neer-do-wells who prefer to look all business in the torso region while all party in the pants area. If that is the case we should be thanking him for serving our country rather than questioning his fashion decisions. Before I can manswer further, I’d like to know the whole story, so check with him and get back with me. Note that even though you are his wife, he will be unable to outright tell you if he is engaged in some sort of elaborate cloak and dagger activities. So get him to blink once for yes or twice for no. That’s code, and undercover agents are good at that type of stuff.

Dr. Awesome

Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee: Round 7

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 16:53:00 +0000

First let me apologize again for the infrequency of posts here lately. I have been on assignment and while I can't say exactly where or exactly what I have been doing, it may or may not involve a steel cage, Osama Bin Laden, Kanye West, and a death match. If this were to ever happen, Kanye could rip Bin Laden to shreds lyrically, but Bin Laden, though small is wiry, and would eventually choke Kanye out with his beard. Now on to more important business...

Our even less than quasi-weekly Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee: Round 7 begins now.Last week's winners:

mjbagel: Dang. I should be prayin’ not shavin’. Cinematic odds are 300 to 1 I’m gonna die first.

perkyguy: If a close shave you must get, nothing works like facial sweat.

bobfromchicago: Dave was depressed. He was certain that Billy Mays would be the voice of Dave's latest invention, "The Face Squeegee." But it was not meant to be.

vlad: Disclaimer: Man in photo does not convey proper, nor accurately represent the usage of our razer blade. For information on how to use this product or any products of our other ines call us (toll free) at 1-800-GET-RAZR, or visit us online at www.howtoshave.com.

Now let's see who is man enough to come up with something for this one:

Man Purses

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 17:33:00 +0000

Dear Dr. Awesome,

Today the owner of the company I work for came into our office. As he was leaving our office I noticed he was carrying what some call a “man purse” or murse for short. I for one do not call it this. I am a firm believer in the “If it looks like a duck” doctrine so I simply call it a purse. I was tempted to laugh but refrained mainly because I want to still have a job tomorrow. Now I cannot say that I have never carried a purse before. I have gone shopping with my wife and have been forced to carry a purse for approximately .0000000000001 seconds. My question is what is needed for a man to be able to carry a purse and still be considered manly? And if there are not situations in which it is manly should I say something and risk losing my job?

Chris

Chris,

You get points for being the first questioner in the history of this column to ask a question that uses picoseconds as a reference of time. 0.1 picoseconds is a very short amount of time, roughly equal to how long it takes me to change the radio if the Jonas Brothers come on. So thank you for giving me a way to work picoseconds into a manswer. I am also a firm believer in the “If it looks like a duck” doctrine: if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then Yogi Berra must be around the corner dropping sage wisdom while cutting someone’s hair. I’m not quite sure how this relates to murses though? So let’s talk about them a little more directly.

Before we slip into the downward spiral of yet another female accessory trying to crossover into man’s domain, let me thank you for being honest about holding your wife’s purse. It is true, all husbands have been faced with this situation before. We have to accept the purse duty as a service to our wives. But what we do with it in our possession is critical. Obviously, we cannot throw it over our shoulder and lean up against the wall with a hand on our hip. And while fashioning some sort of sign that says "Greetings onlookers! I am holding this purse for my wife and I'm quite comfortable with my masculinity!" definitely communicates the appropriate message, you don't always have with you the materials for making a sign. So what do you do? One option is to drop it on the ground and squat over it in a three point stance, similar to an offensive tackle at the line of scrimmage. The purse becomes your quarterback and you must protect it. Another option is to hold it at arms length, with the same sort of timidity you would use if you were inserting enriched uranium into a nuclear reactor. However, my preferred option is to sit it in the middle of an aisle, hide behind a rack, and watch as people see an abandoned purse in the floor. It is very entertaining, and every once and a while you get lucky and someone tries to pick it up and run. If this happens, have fun.

I am torn as to what to call these ambiguous handbags. Man purse is an oxymoron, like jumbo shrimp or Mr. Richard Simmons, and could confuse people in casual conversation (side note: if man purses are coming up in casual conversations with your buddies, you need new buddies). However, the more I think about this, shortening "man purse" to "murse" doesn't work either, because in reality there is no such thing as a man purse. If we call it a murse, we are accepting the fact that it is a man’s purse, and that is not true. If a male used a feminine product you wouldn’t call it a manpon...you'd call it the apocalypse (I believe this is one of the things John talks about in Revelation). Also, murse might refer to a male nurse, and we don't want to impugn the dignity of male nurses by suggesting they carry man purses. So I’ve decided to call it a purse, period. No matter what, it is a purse. A man can carry it, camouflage it, spray paint flames on it, or fill it with beef jerky. But you would just have a man carrying a flaming camouflaged purse filled with meat. While that might be useful (flame-kissed jerky makes almost any situation more manly), would you really be better off? You've still got a freaking purse. If we give in and call it any of the other terms, that is giving purses a foothold in the halls of manliness, and we can't allow that. A purse is a purse is a purse. It's not a murse, a man bag, a man satchel, or anything of that sort. If it has short handles and works best being carried near your arm pit with your arm through the straps, it's a purse. You might as well get rid of your jerky and fill it up with cosmetics.

To answer your two specific questions: 1) what is needed for a man to carry a purse and still be considered manly? There is only one way: you need a wife or girlfriend, you need to have left her purse in the aisle like I mentioned, and you need to be carrying the purse back to her as part of your victory lap after destroying the clown who tried to steal it. I almost said that it is acceptable to carry a purse if it is still in possession of a woman who you are carrying out of a burning building after you've rescued her, but technically, she's carrying the purse so it doesn't count. But really, the only way you can carry a purse and still be a man is if you are in the process of returning the purse to a woman. 2) Should you say something to your purse-carrying boss? You know how the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him confront the owner of the company he works for about his selection of bags and totes. That is a judgment call that is all yours my friend. I will direct you to the dudefrontation formula where you can fill in your personalized information and go from there. I lean towards finding a new job, because I can't possibly work for someone who might have creamy lotion in his purse. But final say is yours.

I hope this helps you Chris. If you decided to confront your boss’s boss’s boss and he gets upset, the good news is he carries a purse so you can probably take him. If you do lose your job, take solace in the fact that you were making the world a manlier place. Let me know if it the dudfrontation doesn’t go well, I’ll send you an application to become an intern here at Awesome Labs LLC. It doesn’t pay anything, but you get to work in a guaranteed man-purse-free environment. Also we eat a lot of jerky, which is nice.

Dr Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - Man Crying

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 22:34:00 +0000

Dr. Awesome,

This is a serious question. Some of the questions you get are sarcastic or light hearted. I was watching Band of Brothers the other day. The soldiers had just found a nazi concentration camp and as I watched one of the prisoners run up and begin hugging one of the US soldiers I just began sobbing. These men were so malnourished, beaten, abused, and broken. My friend who was watching this with me didn't even bat an eye at the situation. My question comes in two parts. 1) It was okay to cry at the sight of this even though it was a TV show... right? and 2) Is it really okay to NOT be emotionally affected by this?

Tim

Tim,

I briefly touched on this recently, but more elaboration is needed. It is most definitely ok to be affected in that way by something like that. When someone is liberated from oppression, that is one of the most joyous things we can behold. Tears of joy at a time like that are highly appropriate. You can also cry if you are giving your daughter away (and by that I mean giving her hand in marriage, not giving her away like you would get rid of an old sofa...what kind of parent are you anyway?). Tears of sorrow are ok if a close loved one dies, like a spouse, parent, or particularly faithful dog. You may also cry if something unfortunate happens to your favorite team, such as them having to play against Tim Tebow. As far as men not being affected emotionally in these situations, I would seriously question whether they are actual human beings or not. None of the Terminators ever cried, and look how sucky that turned out for all of humanity. You should probably take this "friend" of yours to some place that has lots of vats of molten metal and toss him in. On behalf of all humans, I thank you.

Dr Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - Spicy Foods

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 22:24:00 +0000

Dr.Awesome,

FirstI want to applaud you and your tireless efforts in making this a manlier world.Today's society is melding into a uni-gender mess. The womenfolk need a "NurseAwesome" to set them straight. Anyway on to my question....I love hot food. If you don't sweat, it's not hot enough. What is your take on guys that think mildsalsa is too hot?

AlphaDog, Chicago burbs.

Alpha Dog,

My take is that as much as you claim to like spicy food, you really are setting the bar too low. You say "if you don't sweat, it's not hot enough" as if mere sweat is an appropriate measure of how hot something should be. Friend, food that just makes you sweat is basically tee-ball, maybe coach pitch. If you want to graduate from little league to run with the big boys, you need food that makes you bleed. Smelling it needs to cause the hair in your nostrils to fall out. It needs to be so hot that it causes even the most hardened atheist to cry out to the Lord for mercy. "Chernobyl" is a decent word to describe the face-melting hotness I'm going for. After eating it, if you haven't been turned into an irradiated zombie, it wasn't hot enough. As for men who think mild salsa is too hot...well, I guess the world needs wusses, otherwise, how would poodles ever get bred?

Dr Awesome

Men's Fashion

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 18:09:00 +0000

Dr. Awesome,

You always talk about metrosexuals and women when you discuss clothing, but I've never seen you address what proper badical man-attire is. Should I wear a suit like James Bond, or a leather vest and hip holster like John Wayne? In essence, what clothes say "I can kill a bear with my pinky finger" while still being presentable in public?

Thanks,
Dressed to Kill

DtK,

First, let me apologize for the lack of manswers lately. I've been traveling around to various townhall meetings getting both sides angry at each other in the hopes that I could film something funny happening and then get interviewed on the Today Show. So far that hasn't happened, so I guess I'll come back to pursuing fame and fortune via the blog world. Sigh.

It's been said that the clothes make the man. But I know that is false, because when I asked my parents where people come from, they told me when a mommy and daddy love each other they go in a room and pray and God puts a baby in mommy's stomach. So obviously secluded couples prayer time plus divine intervention are the things that make a man. Clothing has nothing to do with it, unless you have a special outfit you wear for prayer time.

However, clothing is important, because what you wear says a lot about you. It doesn't say everything, because people defy stereotypes all the time. But still, stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. Computer nerds have a look, frat boys have a look, ninjas have a look, pirates have a look, doctors of awesomeness have a look. Certainly some styles are better than others, in terms of style and functionality. So today I'm going to give you the two most important factors on how to approach dressing yourself while keeping your masculinity intact.

First, style. It is important to be somewhat stylish, since you want people to take you seriously. Think Marty McFly in Back to the Future, when he showed up wearing a 1985-style vest in a 1955 diner and the owner thought it was a life preserver. One thing lead to another, and he wound up getting chased all over the town square and filling a car with poop. All thanks to not having the appropriate style for the time and place he found himself. You want your clothing to be stylish, but not so stylish that it looks like you read fashion magazines. If you've ever seen someone prancing down a runway at a fashion show in Paris wearing the jeans you have on, you should burn the pants and then do five hundred pushups as a form of ritual purification. If you are unable to do the five hundred pushups, you'll need to set the pants on fire while you are wearing them. This will purify you from wearing wussy metro clothing as well as not having any sort of upper body strength. A good rule of thumb when purchasing clothing is to never spend more on an item than you would on a plate of meat at Outback Steakhouse. This guideline isn't a hard rule, as there are times when you might have to spend more on a nice suit or on sunglasses with a computer screen built in so that you can do all kinds of spy stuff. But still, don't go overboard on the fashion. The goal is to fit in, without sticking out in either the "I really really don't care what people think" direction or the "I'm obsessed with what other people think about my style!" direction.

The second idea you want to go with is functionality. You want your clothing to be something that assists you rather than hinders you in whatever situation in which you find yourself. If you know you're going to be attending a wedding or a funeral, a finely tailored suit is what you should opt for, rather than desert camo (unless it's a theme wedding, which would be fantastic). But just as a suit would be a good idea for that situation, a suit would only get in the way if you know you're going to be placing bombs on the underwater support structure of a seaborne base operated by a criminal mastermind. Really, I think you should take a cue from Superman. He wore his outer clothing appropriate for reporting, for romantic nights out with Lois Lane, for kicking it in Smallville with his parents, and so on. But underneath he always had on a versatile outfit suitable for anything that Lex Luthor could throw at him (except for Kryptonite, but ignore that for the purposes of this metaphor). That's kind of the approach I take. Right now I have on your typical office clothing, but underneath I have on a ghillie suit, just in case the CIA calls again. Be Prepared, that's a good motto to have.

The perfect clothing option would be combining the best of both these worlds. For example a nice looking pull over that has a kevlar vest woven in just in case a gunfight breaks out, or perhaps hazardous material suits that double as bee-keeping gear. I can't tell you how many times I've had to leave a fresh honeycomb behind for fear of radiation poisoning. It's admittingly tough to find such desirable traits in a single piece of clothing. With all the focus on two very specific criterion, I'm reminded of a chart I once learned about in of my old econ classes, the BCG matrix. Below you will find the original matrix and then one as it applies to our clothing situation.

As you can see, a button up shirt with a pair of khakis is suitable for 95% of the situations you'll find yourself in. If the button up is made of sham-wow material by the Germans so you know it's good, that's just bonus.

Anyway, DtK, I hope that was helpful. Armed with the knowledge that your clothing should be stylish as well as functional, you should now be ready to take on the world. Just watch out for radioactive honeycombs.

Dr Awesome

Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee: Round 6

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 11:56:00 +0000

Our quasi-weekly Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee: Round 6 begins now.

Last week's winners:

Ben: Hello sir. Would you like a free knife?

Vlad: WARNING: Cigarettes may cause men in tight pants to their knives in your face. DO NOT SMOKE

Stormbinger: You’re gonna drop some ashes! Here, let me get that for you.

Now let's see who is man enough to come up with something for this one:

Rapid Fire Manswer - Women With Tattoos

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 14:41:00 +0000

what is the manly response to a woman with tats? any manly rules for them?
thanks,
Lauren

Lauren,

I've manswered before that I'm not a huge fan of men with tattoos, simply because I think cartoons, drawings, and murals of legendary college football coaches are kind of dumb and unsightly. I mentioned a few ways that men could maybe pull off having a tattoo, but those rules are pretty strict. As for women, I'm not sure that they should have one at all. Feminine bodies look best without making them a canvas for art work. I understand that you might want to get something to permanently commemorate the awesome time you had at Spring Break in Destin, FL 1999! but that's what they make airbrushed t-shirts for. For the most part, a woman getting a tattoo is a questionable decision she will likely regret later. A flower on the ankle may look cute now, but a withered flower on the cankle in 25 years is going to be an eyesore. If you really, really insist on doing something that will set you apart in a unique and creative way, maybe just get a fun hat or something. You can always take a hat off, while a so-called "tramp stamp" is forever.

Dr Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - Pirates Vs Ninjas

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 14:41:00 +0000

Dr. Awesome,

I was wondering if you have any thoughts on the ongoing debate between Pirates and Ninjas. In my opinion, we had some Somali pirates decide they could act like pirates whenever they wanted. However, some Navy SEALS (American ninjas if you ask me) came along and exposed their pirate brains to the fresh ocean air.

Any thoughts?

James

James,

I agree with you, there is no way a pirate beats a ninja, ever. It was the same deal on that episode of Deadliest Warrior recently, where a pirate supposedly defeated a knight. Horse squeeze. I know from experience that fighting for your life with a talking parrot on your shoulder for comedic effect is extremely difficult. Throw in a wooden peg leg and a possible eye patch, and you would likely get dominated by a ill-tempered ferret, let alone a ninja. In a battle of pirates versus ninjas, ninjas win every single time. Sorry Jack Sparrow.

Dr Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - Three Wolf Shirt

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 21:28:00 +0000

I would like your opinion on the manliness of the famous Three Wolf Shirt found at Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Three-Official-T-Shirt-Cotton-Sleeve/dp/B000NZW3IY/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top. Make sure you read the reviews to see what I’m talking about…

Dave

Dave,

I'm very familiar with that shirt. Direct exposure to it has been shown to cause cancer in 11 out of 10 test subjects. Supposedly Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, right? So some scientists got Chuck Norris to watch "Ol' Yeller" and cry a few tears onto the shirt, just to see what would happen. The resulting effects were so far-reaching that Pluto lost its status as a planet.

Dr Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - Throw Pillows

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 21:05:00 +0000

Dr. Awesome,

I read your post about fine china and wondered what your thoughts are about so-called "throw pillows." Personally, I think they are named so for the fact that they make normally comfortable sofas and chairs so uncomfortable that I want to throw them across the room. On the other hand, when I use them to cradle my head, as a true pillow should be used, my mom says I'm messing them up. What are they good for if not for cranial support?

Keep on man-ing,
Hunter
Orange Park, FL

Hunter,

I'm not opposed to decorative items. A deer head, a stolen road sign, a neon sign, a sculpted clay bust of Lionel Richie like the "Hello" video, these things are very tasteful. What I am opposed to are decorative items that masquerade as useful items. For example, Mrs Awesome has a couple of antique bird cages. This, despite the fact that we don't have any antique birds, or even any modern birds for that matter. I hate these bird cages, because they masquerade as useful items, though they really have no purpose other than to be decorative. Throw pillows fall into this category. They are completely worthless and are insulting to men of good conscience. We would like to relax and lounge, but we can't because of these stupid decorative pillows! I call them faux pillows rather than throw pillows, because they are deceptive and deceitful. I recommend throwing these faux throw pillows into the fireplace. Your mom might get angry, but it's her own fault for bringing these faux pillows into your life. She's simply stuck in the hole she dug for herself. Good luck.

Dr Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - Motorcyle Riding

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 20:56:00 +0000

Rather than manswer questions as part of a manswer wagon, I'm going to start doing the shorter ones as their own separate manswers. This will make them easier to categorize and link to. Here is the first Rapid Fire Manswer:

If one dude is riding on a motorcycle with another dude, where are appropriate places for the passenger to put his hands?

James

James,

He should place his hand on the handlebars of a different motorcycle. Alternatively, he can place both hands over the eyes of the driver. The subsequent crash will be both spectacular and lethan and will spare the world the chance of those two clowns ever somehow reproducing and passing on their wussitude to a new generation.

Dr Awesome

(For more thoughts on motorcycles, mopeds, and scooters, see here)

Short Shorts

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 02:15:00 +0000

Doctor Awesome,

I have recently started running to get in shape for a mantacular trip my brother, father and I are taking in a few months. 7 days rafting in the Grand Canyon. I have been noticing a trend as I make my way down the local running path. It seems the more experienced you get as a runner, the shorter your shorts have to get. A group of local guys that run marathons seem to take this to the extreme. My question: How short is too short when you are running?

VDM

The shorts on the fist-bump dudes need their own manswer: At what length do manshorts cross the line from "COOL" to "disturbing?"

Steph @ Red Clay Diaries via comments (on Male Greeting Guide post)

VDM & S@RCD,

Let me start off by saying that this post is only directed to men who can still wear shorts. All men reach an age at some point in their lives where shorts are no longer an acceptable option. Some men reach this in their teens, while others last well into adulthood. But eventually, men's legs get bony and ghost white pale, which signals that they should have stopped wearing shorts a decade ago. The only time I ever saw my granddad wearing shorts is when he ran out of the house in the night in his boxers with a shotgun chasing teenage miscreants off his property. So if you have reached that age, men, the only proper length for your shorts is "past your ankles." I think those of you who should be avoiding shorts know who you are, so I don't need to say anything further.

As for those of you who still can wear shorts in public without people confusing you for a whooping crane, let's talk proper length. Obviously, you can go too long with shorts, as I've manswered here. But how short can you go and still maintain your masculinity? That's the burning question. The ironic thing is that maximum manliness is usually found somewhere between two extremes: one side of the scale is animalistic barbarianism, while on the other is feminism. By feminism, I’m not referring to the political ideology aimed at equal rights for women; I’m more talking color-coordination and curtsies. I think women should vote all they want to, just to be clear. But manly men live somewhere between savage brutality and savage wussitude. Hence, we must find the proper length of shorts. How do you maximize comfort, while minimalizing the amount you are displaying to the whole world exactly what you bring to the table?

This is why I am introducing the Masculinimeter. It is a unit of measurement, based on the metric system, so as to encompass any foreign men out there who no longer wish to be effeminate. One masculinimeter is roughly equivalent to a country mile, 1.21 gigawatts, or 88 mph. That is correct, this unit measures length, power, and velocity. Also, if you take the derivative of a masculinimeter with respect to time, you get horsepower. For the record, if you are curious how much I bench, it is 200 kilomasculinimeters.

Anyway, once you have properly calibrated equipment for measuring in masculinimeters (which could be a scale, a graduated cylinder, or some sort of sonar device), you are ready to determine the proper length of your shorts. A pair of manshorts should hang to the knee when standing, but more importantly, not rise to show man thigh hair when sitting. No exceptions. Anything within that range is exactly 1 masculinimeter, and anything outside of it is negative infinity masculinimeters. If anyone has any shorts that don't measure in at one masculinimeter, you should toss them now. Some of you may have to get rid your of all the shorts you own at this point. That's ok, just remember to measure in masculinimeters the next shorts you buy. You are having to sacrifice some shorts that you probably like, but keep in mind that no one likes seeing you in such short shorts. You are doing unto others in the arena of short shorts before they do unto you. It's the golden rule, as it applies to absurdly short pantwear.

Note that the same guidelines apply for swimwear as well. I do all of my swimming usually in camo cargo pants, so that I can carry as much gear with me as possible. You might be tempted to dress like Michael Phelps when you are in the water, but I ask you, where does Michael Phelps keep his hunting knife in case of alligator attacks? Where does he keep his drug paraphernalia? Where does he keep his self respect? There is no room in a speedo for those things, so stick with normal shorts in this arena as well.

I hope that manswers your question. There is a reason short shorts are called Daisy Dukes rather than Dave Dukes. Nobody wants to see Dave Coulier (Joey from Full House) in short shorts. So do us all a favor and Cut. It. Out. If a man wears shorts that do not measure in at one masculinimeter, he is doing a disservice to the world, and he should be executed.

Have a nice day everybody!

Dr Awesome

Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee: Round 5

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 13:53:00 +0000

Our weekly Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee: Round 5 begins now.

Last week's winners:

Chris Winkleman: Silly girl. It doesn’t work if you pull your own finger.

bigguy said: To avoid having to destroy another bathroom for only having two urinals, I am going to place this little girl at the door as a lookout. No spectators, No stage fright.

Jonathan Ferguson: Did you enjoy “Bring Your Daughter to Work Day” Jenny?

Honorable mention goes to James for his entire commercial script. Good job, James.

Now let's see who is man enough to come up with something for this one:

Boys and Dolls

gotmanswers@gmail.com (Dr Awesome) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 15:39:00 +0000

Dr. Awesome -

I know from the outset of the question in the subject it seems there shouldn't be any debate needed, but let me briefly explain... we have a 2 year old boy. He's been all boy since day one. He loves sports, and cars, and running as fast as he can until he tackles something. However in 5 weeks he'll get a new little sister and life will change dramatically for him. In order to prepare him for this, my mother-in-law bought my son a doll to have around the house to get used to a baby-doll. I find myself torn... is allowing your son to have a baby-doll (temporarily, mind you) ok if it may ultimately make him a more manly big brother, or should we just stick with the footballs and trucks and work out the necessary sibling nurturing when the time comes? Thanks for your advice and ongoing awesomeness,

-Cabbage Patch Dad

Cabbage Patch Dad,

Congratulations on Baby #2, CPD. I am going to use CPD, if that is ok with you. It makes me think of California Police Department, which makes me think of CHiP’s, which makes me think of Ponch. And those are happy thoughts, happy thoughts of my old Big Wheel and writing citations for the neighborhood ne'er-do-wells on my Etch-a-sketch. Surprisingly, this is the first manswer involving a mother-in-law. I’m glad to see that old "hate your MIL" stereotype is going away. I rather enjoy my mother-in-law...she’s a free babysitter and makes the best fried chicken in the universe.

However, in this case your MIL has overstepped her boundaries. You need to inform her of this very delicately and with the utmost respect. You may or may not know this, but the only person that has more power to influence your life on a day to day basis than your MIL is God Almighty Himself. You might think that it would be your wife, but you are wrong. A mother and daughter have a special bond, and if the MIL chooses, she can turn your wife into a puppet on her string. And not a fun puppet either...I'm thinking here of the cast of Pinocchio with dueling machetes versus particularly upset Muppets reenacting the battle royale scene from Anchorman . So reassure your MIL that it has nothing do with her parenting skills and that she did a great job with your wife, so well in fact that you married her.

But still, your MIL has to know that giving a doll to a boy to help him adjust to life with a sibling is pure shenanigans, for a variety of reasons. First, I can speak from experience here having grown up with a sister, boys are not especially delicate when forced to be around dolls. They tend to set them on fire, rip their heads off, and engage in various and sundry activities that do not contribute to the well-being of the doll. So your MIL, by giving your son a doll as a stand-in for future sibling, has all but guaranteed that the new infant will be tied to some bottle rockets and ignited. Way to go, MIL.

But beyond that very practical reason not to give your child a doll as a proxy for soon-to-be-born children, there's also the fact that boys shouldn't play with dolls. Action figures, yes, dolls, no. Action figures could not be more different than dolls. For one, Barbie has no weaponry, and her Barbie house only has walls on one side, which is totally worthless for defense against assaults from Skeletor. Another, can a Cabbage Patch Kid turn into a Corvette? And, Barbies are accessorized with clothes, while Action Figures are accessorized with ever-cooler vehicles and guns. Finally, when has a Care Bear ever stopped a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world? So it's clear that a doll serves no purpose in the life of a boy, while an action figure will better help prepare him for the daily grind of defending civilization that he's going to face as an adult.

So overall, dolls are a bad idea in general for little boys, and certainly would never work at helping your son prepare to be a big brother. But I don't want to leave you empty-handed when it comes to helping him get ready. Here are a few suggestions for how to help a little boy adjust to having a little one around.

- Lock him in a room filled with poisonous snakes. This will prepare him to help fight off any social deviants who will one day try to put the moves on his sister. If he can subdue a cottonmouth, he's got a good shot at handling teenagers. Of course, I think ultimately the job of laying the beatdown on boys who try to talk to your daughter falls on your shoulders, CPD. But it wouldn't help to have backup, maybe somebody to handle your light work. That's where Junior comes in.

- He's going to need to learn to be very, very quiet while the baby is sleeping. Interestingly enough, being very very quiet is something he'll also have to learn if he ever wants to be a covert operative. I say get him to sneak into a day care, tie up one of the other kids, and have him live the day as them. Countries spend fortunes on looking for spies, but who would expect espionage from a toddler? Just don't be surprised if he sneaks up on you, puts you in a head lock, and informs you that he has secretly observed his new sister crapping in the corner behind the potted plant.

- Replace those Baby Einstein DVD’s with the footage of the secret service protecting Reagan. You need to teach him that protection sometimes requires self-sacrifice. Think of various dangerous situations that your infant can get into, and start building your son’s tolerance in ways that can save your daughter. For instance, some infants have a tendency to tumble down stairs. Your son should be willing to throw himself in her path to keep her from falling further. To prepare him for this, starting today, grab your son much like Abraham took Isaac and go to the staircase. Start at the bottom step, and roll your son off. Keep this up a week or so and then move on to the second step. Repeat this process until he can make it all the way from top to bottom. That's just one example...I'm sure you can think of other ways that your son could take the brunt of various injuries for your daughter. Remember, greater love has no child than this, that he might stick his finger into an electrical socket for his sister. Or something like that.

So CPD, I hope these suggestions will help you out. Quick summary: tell the MIL to come on over any time as long as the fried chicken is in tow and the dolls are not. And if she has access to a large number of venomous serpents that would be nice too. Just make sure she knows you’re not implying anything when you ask her for them. One more thing, if these suggestions work for you at all, you think you can get me an autographed picture of Ponch?

Dr Awesome