Great. Now go back and cut 20%.

That’s right. Shear it of a fifth before you press “send”. I guarantee the end result will be better than what you have now.

Not sure where to start? Here are some hints on what to discard.

1. Nix that first para
Whoah, sounds a bit drastic, doesn’t it?

Maybe. But if you’re anything like every other business writer out there, that first paragraph is just a load of corporate throat-clearing anyway.

If your opening line resembles any of the following, you’ve fallen prey to the preamble:

“At xxxx, we pride ourselves on/are committed to/believe in focusing on…”

“As a team leader, you play a critical role in the success of…”

“In my last message to you all I said…”

“In line with our strategy for…”

“In the last year, we have delivered…”

Don’t provide the strategic context. Don’t talk about what happened last year. And don’t tell your reader what they already know.

They’ll be skipping this stuff anyway so ditch dull warm-ups like the above and get straight to the point.

2. Save the bragging for your appraisal
The art of good corporate communication is about knowing the difference between what you’d like to say and what your readers really need to hear.

So, let’s say you’re announcing a new product, service, strategy or whatever.

Well, I’m sorry to break it to you, but your readers really don’t care how many late nights and ruined weekends went into getting the thing off the ground.

Nor are they impressed by how much collaboration and innovation and other clichéd corporate values went into the project.

They just want to know what it can do for them. So lose the corporate chest-beating and get straight to the point. Write for your reader, not your boss.

3. Kill your darlings (but keep the bodies)
That particularly fine turn of phrase you’ve been patting yourself on the back for all morning? Sorry, it’s got to go.

The exhortation to “kill your darlings” has been attributed to several writers. But it probably originated with the English literary critic Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch, who warned against the use of “extraneous ornamentation”, saying:

Whenever you feel an impulse to perpetrate a piece of exceptionally fine writing, obey it – whole-heartedly – and delete it before sending your manuscripts to press. Murder your darlings.

To this, I would add “keep the bodies”: paste that piece of purple prose into a document marked “hall of shame”. Return to it a few days later and you’ll see how right you were to let it go.

4. Bury dead verbs
As you may have learned at school, verbs are doing words. Dead verbs are verbs that do no more than pad out your writing. Take the following:

We’ll drive improvements in the business (“we’ll improve the business”)

We’ll deliver change across the firm (“we’ll change the firm”)

We must focus on co-operation with other teams (“we must co-operate with other teams”)

We have achieved success in 2011 (“we succeeded in 2011”)

In these examples, the dead verbs “driving”, “delivering”, “focusing on” and “achieving” do little but add extra words (notice how they’re all more or less interchangeable).

And they make the writing sound less forceful because the real verbs (“improve”, “change”, “co-operate”, “succeed”) have been relegated to the status of clunky abstract noun (“improvements”, “co-operation” etc).

Ditch dead verbs and you won’t just have extra word count to play with. You’ll also instantly sound less like a corporate drone and more like a human being.

5. Trim those wordy phrases
“At the present time”? You mean “now”, right?

And by “in excess of”, you mean “more than”, yes?

Then why not just say them that way?

A good rule of thumb is never to use any expression you wouldn’t use outside the office.

Presumably, you don’t talk like some jumped-up little wannabe lawyer at home.

So be brave at work and never use several words when one will do.

That means letting go of pompous phrases such as “in the event of” (“if), “in the absence of” (“without”) and “with the minimum of delay” (“quickly”).

6. Lose the hyperbolic adjectives
Yes, we understand you’re desperate to sell your brand’s product or service (or, as you’re no doubt tempted to call it, “experience”).

But spare us the inflated descriptors that make you sound breathless and not very bright. Like the person responsible for this, in fact, which plopped in my inbox shortly before Christmas.

This year we’ve not one but two fantastic New Year’s Eve parties. Celebrate in iconic style [huh?], with exclusive access to some of London’s most breathtaking views . . . head out onto our exclusive terrace overlooking the Thames to enjoy London’s incredible fireworks and breathtaking views.

Fantastic! Iconic! Exclusive! Breathtaking! Exclusive! Incredible! Breathtaking! Hmm. If they’d toned it down a bit they might have sounded a little more Exclusive! and a little less desperate.

Got any tips for cutting words to give your writing punch? Share them in the comments.

This issue came up during a workshop on professional communication I led recently for a group of non-native English speakers at the University of Cambridge. The one or two students who had worked with English people confirmed they had often had to “read between the lines” when dealing with English colleagues.

Those who hadn’t were quite bamboozled when presented with some of the contorted phrases we English can resort to in an effort to avoid appearing brash, abrupt and aggressive in the workplace. In the English office, using understatement verging on opacity is a sign of good manners.

Here’s how to master the peculiarly English art of the polite command

1. Don’t be too direct

Let’s imagine your boss would like to discuss something urgent with you and sends you an email saying the following:

Please come to my office right away.

Perhaps the boss wants to discuss the agenda for an upcoming meeting. Or ask the employee to take on a new project. Or give some feedback on a piece of work.

But whatever the boss’s intention, an English employee receiving such a direct command is likely to think, “Uh-oh, I’m in trouble. I’m probably going to be fired”.

2. Use different vocabulary to soften the request

A sensitive boss might choose to use less direct words:

Please pop by my office when you have a moment.

Notice how the phrases “pop by” and “when you have a moment” downplay the importance of the request by implying the boss would like a brief meeting that can, perhaps, be squeezed in on the way to the coffee machine.

However, few native English speakers would necessarily interpret this statement in such a way. The sense of urgency may not be explicit, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there: many native speakers would be hot-footing it to the boss’s office as soon as possible.

3. Turn the command into a question

Indeed, the author may want to make the request appear even less forthright by changing the command into a question:

Would you pop by my office when you have a moment?

Would you be able to pop by my office when you have a moment?

Would it be possible for you to pop by my office when you have a moment?

Would you happen to have a moment to pop by my office?

Note: these are not enquiries about the recipient’s willingness or ability to pop by the boss’s office. The illusion of choice in the matter is just that – an illusion. Each of these sentences may be phrased as a question, but do not doubt that each expresses a polite command.

4. Ask “would you mind?”

In fact, sometimes the question may be phrased in a way that appears to give the recipient even more choice in the matter. For example:

Would you mind popping by my office for a moment?

Note: the correct response is not “Yes, I would mind, actually”, but to get yourself to the boss’s office as soon as you can.

Sometimes the command may be couched in a statement in which the author seems to be telling you they are musing upon whether you would be willing to accept this apparent choice:

I was just wondering if you could pop by my office when you have a moment?

I was just wondering if you’d mind popping by my office, if you had a moment?

5. Express it as a negative question

More confusingly still, the author might phrase the command as a negative statement or question such as:

You couldn’t pop by my office when you have a moment, could you?

You wouldn’t mind popping by my office when you have a moment, would you?

I don’t suppose you’d mind popping by my office for a moment, would you?

A native English speaker can instinctively see the command behind all these roundabout questions and opaque understatements. But to a non-native speaker, they must be absolutely baffling.

6. Avoid overstatement

Indeed, some writers whose first language isn’t English mistakenly use overstatement, rather than understatement in a bid to be polite. And more confusingly still, such an approach can have the opposite effect to that intended. Take the following:

I would greatly appreciate it if you would come to my office at your earliest convenience.

I would be extremely grateful if you would come to my office at your earliest convenience.

I would be most thankful if you came to my office at your earliest convenience.

It would be most appreciated if you came to my office at your earliest convenience.

In these examples, the use of words such as “appreciate”, “grateful”, “thankful” and “at your earliest convenience” seem very polite on the surface. But when your ear is attuned to such understatement as “I don’t suppose you’d mind popping by my office for a moment, would you?”, such exaggerated politeness sounds sarcastic.

Obviously, most English people would be very forgiving of a non-native speaker who used such language. But if we heard it from someone whose first language was English we would detect a distinct hint of ironic deference. The words convey an extreme sense of urgency and the writer actually comes across as annoyed rather than appreciative.

If English is your second language – or even if you’re an English-speaking American or Australian, we’d be keen to hear what you think about the peculiarly English art of the polite command. Let us know your experiences in the comments.

Things couldn’t be more different in business. Your colleagues and clients are busy people with a hundred different demands on their time. And unlike your teachers they aren’t paid to read your stuff.

The lesson: In business, unlike at school, you have to fight to be read. Accept that most people will scan your words. Make it easy on them by using headers, bullets and short paragraphs.

2. They taught you to write with a beginning, a middle and an end

At school you learned that any essay must have an introduction and a conclusion. The meat of your argument came in the middle.

Judging by the number of business documents we’ve seen that begin by setting the scene, explaining the context and generally “warming the reader up”, this is a hard habit to shake.

But in business, you don’t have the luxury of the preamble. Your readers are time-pressed, so you need to dive straight in with your main point.

The lesson: Before writing that email, memo, web page or report ask yourself “what do I want my reader to do as a result of my words?”. The answer gives you your first line.

3. They taught you to pad, not prune
At school, you were told to expand on your answers. And while this trained you to think more deeply about questions, it also taught you to value padding over pruning – as editor Bill Harper has also argued.

Alas in business, sometimes people really do just want a “yes” or “no” answer. Filling pages for the sake of it is more likely to exasperate than impress your reader.

The lesson: Prune, prune and prune again! Once you’ve reached the point where you’re happy with your work, go back and cut 20%.

4. They rewarded you for using fancy words
When you were introduced to a new word at school, your teachers no doubt asked you to use it in a sentence to prove you understood it properly.

This task was essential because it increased your vocabulary. But it also subtly rewarded you for using words that were new and strange and only just within your grasp.

Pretentious words, nasty neologisms and impenetrable corporate jargon are your adult equivalent.

But such words are letting you down. In business, your goal is to be clear and persuasive, not to impress some authority figure.

The lesson: If there’s a choice between a short word and a long word, go for the short one. For example, say “start”, not “commence”, “after”, not “subsequently” and “change”, not “adjustment”.

And never use a word you wouldn’t use outside the office – do you “align”, “integrate” or “leverage” things at home?

5. They made you distance yourself from your words
At school, we were taught that overt references to the reader (as “you”) or the writer (“I”) were a no-no. In academic or scientific writing this approach made you sound more persuasive because you appeared objective.

For example, in the chemistry lab you were taught to use a passive form, such as “the sodium chloride was added to the test tube” rather than the active form “I added the sodium chloride to the test tube”.

Or in a literature essay, you’d win points for a formal expression like: “Hamlet’s fatal flaw might be considered to be procrastination”. You’d probably lose marks for the more familiar: “You could say Hamlet’s fatal flaw was procrastination”.

Alas, the reverse is true in business writing. In business, address your reader as “you” and she feels a connection with you. Refer to yourself as “I”, and you sound accountable.

Compare: “It is regrettable that mistakes were made in the dispatch of the order” with “I’m sorry your order didn’t arrive on time”. Which would you rather hear?

The lesson: Learn to spot passive verb forms and rework them so they’re active. Address your reader as “you”. This article, for example, contains over 70 references to “you” or “your” – that’s nearly 10% of the whole text. Does it sound any less authoritative for its friendly approach?

6. They taught you outdated rules about grammar

You can’t blame your teachers for instilling in you the rules that apply to academic prose. And if you went on to university, such rules probably fared you well.

But as any writer will tell you, in business writing it’s perfectly OK to start a sentence with “and” or “but”. In fact, doing so can make your sentences shorter – and your writing easier to read.

Similarly, contractions aren’t a problem if you’re after a conversational style.

And if a split infinitive just sounds better to the ear, feel free to boldly go there.

The lesson: Break the rules if the result sounds better and is easier to read. Develop a writer’s ear by reading your work aloud.

1. Take a tip from Elmore Leonard: leave out the parts that people skip.

2. Use “people”, not “persons” (unless you really do want to sound like you’re arresting said “persons”).

3. Avoid tracked changes. They make work hard to proof and they’re terrible for working relationships.

4. Accept that your readers will scan. Make it easy for them with headers and paragraph returns.

5. It’s either “just as” or “equally” – never the horrible hybrid “equally as”.

6. The word “currently” is often redundant, as here: “We are currently updating our website”.

7. There’s no need for the jargon “best of breed” – “best” is enough.

8. “Imply” and “infer” mean different things: if you imply something, I might infer it.

9. “Momentarily” means “for a moment”, not “in a moment”.

10. When researching a piece, pick up the phone. You’re guaranteed to get better results than by emailing.

11. Drop the overused adjective “key” – it invariably attracts other jargon (“stakeholders”, “learnings”).

12. If you must use PowerPoint, stick to 4 or 5 bullets a slide (and 4 or 5 words to a bullet).

13. Save “takeaway” for that kebab you had on the way home last night. “Point” or “lesson” are better.

14. Remember to use an apostrophe in phrases like “one week’s notice” and “ten years’ experience”.

15. Taking minutes? Record important points, decisions and “to dos”, not “he said then she said” etc.

16. Numerals: spell out “one” to “ten”. Use figures for “11” or more.

17. Write your headline first – it will help crystallise your main point.

18. Need feedback on your writing? The more senior they are, the less they’ll rewrite for the sake of it.

19. “Now” is more powerful than wordy alternatives like “at this moment in time”.

20. Don’t call attention to the act of writing. “I hereby inform you of our new address” = “We’re moving”.

21. Far better to start a sentence with “and” than to ever use the word “additionally”.

22. Never choose a long word when a short one will do.

23. For good working relationships, get or give feedback on writing by phone or in person, not email.

24. Proofreading? Check headers, footers, captions etc both separately and as part of the whole.

25. Watch your tone: never say something in an email in a way you wouldn’t say it to their face.

See also:

More super-quick tips for better business writing

Another 25 super-speedy tips for better business writing

25 super-quick tips for better business writing

I don’t know about you but, whenever I pass a construction site, I always ask myself if they’re doing all they can not to kill me. Often, just to be sure, I cross the street. Well, imagine how happy I was to see this.

Isn’t it reassuring to know that the nice people at Balfour Beatty will achieve zero deaths. I mean, as achievements go, it’s a biggie.

But really, what were they doing before the health and safety department decided that zero deaths was one of the company’s Core Attainment Strategy Objectives? Were they actively trying to kill people?

As reassuring as this poster is, the diligent student of bad copy will still be left with some niggling doubts. Take ‘Zero ruined lives among our people’ for instance (at least they avoided the egregious “amongst”). Do their people include members of the public? Sounds like Kill Joy Corporate Lawyer sent another urgent email:

“Not sure we can say we won’t ruin any lives. Not, at least, until any members of the public take residence in these balsa-wood rabbit hutches”.

And what’s with the mathematical “Zero”? The words “No harm” probably didn’t sound corporate enough. But of course, that’s it. Their wanting to sound more corporate has inadvertently tipped their hand. It’s like a weak spot, a poker tell. They don’t consider us as human beings, we’re numbers on a balance sheet.

Now, before you all start calling me a cynical old curmudgeon – I admit, I’m pleased Balfour Beatty are concerned with safety. But I just can’t help being a little suspicious when they have to advertise it with an enormous war headline that stretches forty feet down a busy south London street. Couldn’t they have spent the money on more safety measures. Or are they more interested in appearing to be concerned with safety? Ok, I’m cynical.

They didn’t stop at telling us they are not going to kill us. They went on to explain how.

‘Tracking’? Tracking what? Wild boar? All this woolly list of gerunds does is neatly demonstrate that they emphatically do not know ‘how we’ll get there’. In case anyone from Balfour Beatty is reading this, here’s my suggestion. Instead of the list, why not demonstrate how you’re trying not to kill anyone. For example:

“Our scaffolding is checked every morning by a professional scaffolder to make sure the structures are completely secure. This is to prevent any loose pieces of corrugated iron flying off in high winds and scything their way down a busy pedestrian street like giant flying razor blades.”

I bet that would make you feel far more comfortable than being told their safety people are ‘involving’.

Satisfied that they’ve convinced us we’re not going to die, Balfour Beatty go on to describe the planned building. (Brace yourself: if you’re like me, the following piece of vile corp speak will send seismic shivers up and down your spine as you bristle with professional outrage).

For “Committed to preserving heritage” I read, “The building is listed so we’ve no choice but to renovate it at great cost (to the subsidising tax payers). What we would have liked to do is knock the whole thing down and erect an enormous glass cube that would be of no use to anyone”.

And please, who ever found an office ‘environment’ inspiring?

All in all, the whole thing comes across as a breathtakingly patronising box-ticking exercise that does more to flatter Balfour Beatty’s top brass than to allay the concerns of the public. That is, it’s written for the wrong audience.

A final thought: Imagine how ugly the finished building is going to be if it’s as pleasing to the eye as their copy is pleasing to the ear.

Nowhere is this timorous tone of voice more obvious than in those lists of corporate values that companies feel they have to compile (presumably because everyone else does).

I recently stumbled across a set of corporate values that had the hallmarks of such writing by committee all over it. Here’s how I imagine it happened:

——————————-
From: Hapless Copywriter

To: Killjoy Corporate Lawyer, Paranoid PR Person, Anxious Investor Relations Bod, HR Have-a-Say and Apprehensive Internal Communicator

Subject: Seven Pillars of Excellence

Dear all

Our external branding agency has advised us to get some corporate values. So after extensive consultation with the Executive Board, I have come up with the following “Seven Pillars of Excellence” (branding agency’s term) to which all 63,000 of our diverse employees subscribe:

1. We have integrity
2. We are responsible
3. We are ethical and professional
4. We put our clients first
5. We’re honest
6. We don’t harm the environment
7. We look after our employees

Please let me know if you’re happy with these. As soon as I get your sign-off, Internal Comms can inform our 63,000 diverse employees around the globe what their new values are.

Many thanks

Hapless Copywriter

——————————-
From: Killjoy Corporate Lawyer

To: Hapless Copywriter

Cc: Paranoid PR Person, Anxious Investor Relations Bod, HR Have-a-Say and Apprehensive Internal Communicator

Subject: Re: Seven Pillars of Excellence

Dear Hapless Copywriter

Please DO NOT publish our Seven Pillars of Excellence before implementing the following changes. To assist your understanding, I have included everyone’s core reasonings regarding the final, approved values of our 63,000-strong diverse employee base.

1. We have integrity
Can we prove we have integrity? Perhaps safer to say “we have a reputation for integrity”? Killjoy Corporate Lawyer

Think we need to understate the reputation bit, given the fraud case that’s about to hit the newswires. Suggest “a reputation for integrity is essential for our success”. Can’t argue with that! Paranoid PR Person

Sensitivities around the word “success” given our share price has fallen 31% in the last year. Need to emphasise we’re playing the long game. Anxious Investor Relations Bod

Therefore, although not technically a “value”, the following, irrefutable, statement is preferred:

Integrity – A reputation for integrity is essential for our long-term success.

2. We are responsible
Not keen on “we are responsible” – sounds like an admission of guilt. KCL

Agree – responsible for what? How about “we are responsible to our shareholders”? PPRP

Again, not with that 31% fall in the share price. Can we fudge with “stakeholders”, which could refer to anyone really? AIRB

Given the above, we suggest the second value shared by our 63,000 diverse employees around the globe should be:

Responsibility – We take responsibility for our actions and honor our commitments to our stakeholders.

3. We are ethical and professional
Is there a conflict between the terms “ethical” and “professional”? Esp with “Deviousness” now officially a Core Competency in our Sales team’s Strategic Talent Development Framework Initiative. HR Have-a-Say

How about “we behave in an ethical and professional manner”? That requires our employees to appear ethical/professional, wherever they are on the MBTI Personality Pyramid. Apprehensive Internal Communicator

Agree. Additionally, would suggest insertion of the formula “we are committed” in this value. Conveys our openness to the idea of appearing ethical/professional while protecting us in the event of the mask slipping. KCL

Given these concerns, we prefer:

Trust – We are committed to behaving in an ethical and professional manner.

4. We put our clients first
This is a nice sentiment, but I wonder if there’s potential for a loss of brand engagement, given that several large clients are suing us for mis-selling? PPRP

Isn’t our defence case built around clients being culpable – our partners in crime, as it were? Any scope to leverage the “partnership” angle? AIRB

Yes, subject to insertion of the ”we are committed” formula to hedge against possibility that we countersue. KCL

Therefore, please amend to:

Service and Excellence – We are committed to being a proactive, principled partner to our clients.

5. We’re honest

Not keen on “honest” – it doesn’t sound very “corporate”. Can we say “transparent” instead? It’s the word everyone else uses. PPRP

I like the idea of “transparency”. But too direct to say “we are transparent”. Better to say “we are committed to transparency”? HRHAS

Agree, but we’ve used “we are committed” twice already. To avoid repetition, how about “we seek”? AIC

On the subject of honesty, I feel that not being criminal is a big strategic differentiator in our industry. Can we include a value about our ongoing efforts to obey the law? AIRB

Agree, subject to the insertion of the word “applicable” in relation to the laws to which our employees are expected to adhere. Non-applicable laws to which our employees choose not to comply are not our concern. It’s a human rights issue. KCL

Given these points, please replace “We’re honest” with the following two values:

Transparency – We seek constructive, transparent and open dialogue with our stakeholders.

Adherence to Laws and Regulations – Members of the Board of Directors and employees are expected to comply with all applicable laws, regulations and policies.

6. We don’t harm the environment

How does this value square with recent accusations related to our non-retention of sub-recyclable bio-solids? PPRP

Dumping toxic shit on African villages isn’t an issue for our stakeholders, provided we do so sustainably. We need to stress that our view of the environment is long-term. AIRB

Therefore to express our support for sustainable harming of the environment (and the local communities of which we are proud to be a part), please amend as follows:

Sustainability – We conduct our business with a long-term view to support environmental and social sustainability.

7. We look after our employees
Given our synergy-related headcount adjustment goals, we might prefer to express this message another way. PPRP

How about “we value the efforts of our employees”? (ie, we reserve the right to performance-manage them out of the organisation if those efforts don’t translate into results). AIC

Also, morale is disappointingly low among those still to be rightsized and we’re haemorrhaging talent. I feel we need to express our aspiration to be a good employer. Let’s be upbeat – we’re not there yet, but it’s something we’re striving to design! HRHAS

Therefore, please replace with:

Commitment – We value the efforts of our employees and strive to create a work environment that is designed to attract, develop and retain talent.

I’m sure you’ll agree that the above amendments will deliver significant enhancements to our Seven Pillars of Excellence proposition.

Please confirm receipt of our key inputtings before sharing our new shared values with our 63,000 diverse employees.

All best,

Killjoy Corporate Lawyer

——————————-

Related post: How committed are you?

Here are some thoughts – what would you add to this list?

Do

1. Anticipate people’s questions
Put yourself in your audience’s shoes. If you’d been told there were to be redundancies in your team, what questions would you want answers to? They might include: Does this affect me? When will this happen? Where can I go to for advice and support?

2. Give people a chance to air their feelings
The workplace isn’t an emotion-free zone. Recognise that people will want to express their feelings about what’s happening. They may be angry and upset – so don’t try and pretend otherwise. Let them air their concerns and ask questions.

I recently came across a redundancy announcement that ended with the words we won’t take any questions now as we appreciate that you may need some time to digest this announcement.

Such a statement is designed to protect the feelings of the person breaking the bad news at the expense of those receiving it.

It’s cowardice masquerading (badly) as concern.

3. Use a variety of communication channels
Sometimes, the written word isn’t enough. In 2010, workers at Essex Police were told their redundancy payments were to be halved – in an article on the intranet.

The bosses obviously didn’t have the courage to face up to staff directly – and you can imagine how their employees felt when that little bombshell quietly appeared on the homepage.

4. Share information as soon as possible
Media rumour and gossip at the water cooler breed uncertainty and fear. Be sure employees hear the news from you first.

Don’t

1. Try to make out bad news is good news

Remember this scene from The Office, the BBC comedy show?

David: Well, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I’ve been promoted. So, every cloud… You’re still thinking about the bad news, aren’t you?

Malcolm: There’s no good news, David! There’s only bad news and irrelevant news!

Few managers would be quite so crass, yet you’d be surprised at how many managers try to mitigate bad news by looking on the bright side.

Just remember: a memo about redundancies or wage cuts isn’t made more palatable by corporate chest-beating about the benefits the change will bring to the organisation. Especially if you’re not going to be part of said organisation for much longer.

For real-life examples of how and how not to do it, listen to this podcast by the FT‘s Lucy Kellaway on Two memos divided by understanding.

2. Resort to corporate euphemisms
Obscuring the issue with euphemistic language may make the person breaking the bad news feel better, but no one else.

Challenging usually means difficult, issues are more likely to be problems, and cost-efficiencies are always cuts.

Being told you’re part of a downsizing (or, worse still, rightsizing) operation does not make you feel better about losing your job. Probably worse, in fact.

3. Talk like a robot operated by the Legal department
Similarly, don’t hide behind legalese. Phrases that sound as if they’ve been lifted from a contract – like prior to and effective immediately – send the message that your priority is to cover your back.

I recently came across a redundancy memo that told employees the company would offer redeployment opportunities where possible.

Only a terrified manager could disguise the fairly positive message “we’re going to do everything we can to find people jobs elsewhere in the firm” with such cold, dehumanising language.

4. Do that corporate throat-clearing thing
Yes, it’s important to explain why, for example, redundancies are necessary.

But making your audience sit through a paragraph beginning “As you know, the current financial crisis has led to unprecedented restructuring in our industry…” is just prolonging the agony.

Don’t bury the most important message in irrelevant information or old news. Lead with the news and answer the tough questions up front. Then provide the context.

5. Pass the buck
The change may be out of your hands – but don’t dwell on it. If you’re having to shut up shop because the government told you to, that doesn’t make it any easier on the affected employees.

It’s a good question, which more internal comms specialists should ask themselves. I’ve seen lots of examples of internal communicators writing for the wrong readers – ie, their clients (the managers), rather than the employees those managers are trying to reach.

The way to approach it is not to write articles discussing the complex big-picture strategic stuff that managers are always keen to communicate. Instead, try and seek out the stories that illustrate the strategy in question.

For example, let’s say HR wants to promote greater internal mobility in the organisation. An article in which the head of HR talks about the benefits of greater mobility, why the strategy has been launched, and what her team’s goals are does little beyond patting the client on the back.

An article profiling employees who have moved around the firm is much more likely to sell the benefits of the strategy. Interview them about what they and their teams gained from their mobility and you’re much more likely to inspire employees to sign up to the new strategy.

Story first, strategic context second.

On the micro level of the sentence, you often find internal communicators leading with the strategic context rather than the news that’s relevant to the target audience – again in a bid to please the client. See Who do you think you’re talking to?

Finally, I’d also recommend all internal comms writers to read this wonderful manifesto for the simple scribe by a professional journalist, which gives lots of great advice for keeping readers interested.

What are your tips for keeping readers interested?

In our previous posts on readability and the parts of speech and what readability scores can and can’t tell you, we looked at two pieces of writing.

The first extract appeared in a report published by a well-known management consultancy. The second says the same thing, but in a much more readable way. Here they are again:

Leverage analytics to drive prediction
Use predictive analytics as a decision support tool to drive a forward-looking analysis of scenarios, response effectiveness, and critical correlations that can complicate or escalate events. Better understanding of the drivers of extreme events, whether external developments or internal process interactions, can help build a robust, flexible and dynamic crisis management program. The objective for enhanced analytics is not to predict events, but to help companies develop more meaningful warning indicators, and an increased awareness of their leverage in preventing or managing ‘runaway’ crises.

Learn from the past
If you know what causes crises, you can prepare for them. So analyse what’s happened in the past to help you predict what might happen in the future. It will let you spot the warning signs that a crisis is unfolding, so you can stop it escalating or even happening at all.

To test our view that the second version is more readable than the first, we sent both texts to a real-life mum. A retired nurse, our guinea pig is not an expert in business, but is intelligent and articulate.

We asked her to circle any phrases in either piece she didn’t understand. She did so, and exceeded the brief by providing her own commentary. Here’s what we received back:

For those of you who can’t decipher our mum’s scrawl, here’s what it says:

Note in margin of version 1

“all sounds like tosh”

Commentary on version 1

“I know all of these words individually but in this piece it all sounds like gobbledygook.”

Commentary on version 2

“So that’s what it was supposed to be saying. No. 1 might just as well have been written in ancient Aramaic for all the sense it made.”

Our rewrite passed the mum test, where the original failed spectacularly.

Are you confident your writing would pass the same test?

Follow us on Twitter for regular business writing tips.

51. Yes, it is OK to start sentences with ‘and’, ‘because’, ‘or’ and ‘but’.

52. Don’t say “following” when you mean “after”.

53. Try copying the style of your daily paper. It’s guaranteed to be more readable than most business docs.

54. Edit with a knife, not a pen. Only add words if they’re absolutely necessary.

55. Write about the stories that illustrate what you want to say, not the strategy behind it.

56. Pin a list of banned words on your wall. It forces you to rethink whenever you’re tempted by jargon.

57. Never write a sentence longer than 24 words. That’s the point they get hard to follow.

58. Use “you” more than “we”. Count the instances of each word and rewrite if necessary.

59. Overpoliteness can sound rude. Compare “at your earliest convenience” with “as soon as you can”.

60. Address your reader directly: “download the guidelines now” not “employees should download…”

61. Say “based on”, not “based around”. Think about it: bases sit below things, not around them.

62. No one will ever complain that your writing is too easy to read.

63. Rewriting your work isn’t a sign of failure – it’s an essential part of the process.

64. There’s a reason your spellchecker underlines “learnings”. Replace this non-word with “lessons”.

65. Is there any more meaningless adjective than “meaningful”? Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

66. Whenever you sit down to write, keep in mind Billy Wilder’s 1st rule of filmmaking: “Don’t be boring”.

67. The word “solutions” is usually redundant. “Building solutions” v “building”: what’s the difference?

68. Save keystrokes by ditching “nevertheless” for “but”.

69. As Orwell said, if it’s possible to cut a word, do. A phrase like “by means of” is 2 words too long.

70. Never use “myself” when you mean “I” or “me”. It’s not more polite – just grammatically wrong.

71. Ditch “there is/there are”. “We won for two reasons” is punchier than “there are two reasons we won”.

72. Tempted to use the phrase “due to the fact that”? Why not simply say “as”?

73. Made a mistake? “I’m sorry” is much more powerful than “we regret that”. Which would you rather hear?

74. Avoid Latinisms like “per annum” and “per capita”. Friendlier to say “a year” and “a person”.

75. As your teachers said at exam time: just answer the question. What info is your reader asking for?