Before we go any further, check this shit out:

I have no idea what Floorball is but that shit looks hot!  All I know is I saw dudes on Segways, Pringles sponsorships, gratuitous drunken Scandinavian fanatics and a wiffle ball.  I’m in!

It’s a designer world we live in these days.  Look at our news media, if you belong to the left you get your own news channel, if you belong to the right, so do you.  Businesses are finding new ways to cater to their target demographic everyday through what are called “Value Added Services”.  Like when you go to Babies R Us and they have “expectant mother parking”.

With this in mind, I wasn’t exactly shocked when I recently went to Home Depot and saw “Contractor Parking” signs.  What did shock me, however, was this:

One of two things are going on here in this picture.

1- Some dude/chick is fronting like they got carpenter skills just so they could get good parking at The Depot.

2- Somewhere within the walls of The Depot walks the most delicate contractor on Earth.

You see that is a Jetta.  A car normally reserved solely for use as a parent’s high school graduation gift for their 18 year old daughter.  When I think of a contractor I think of some burly dude named Wayne that drives a truck with more dimples in the fenders than Khloe Kardashian’s thighs.

But a Jetta? How much does this dude get clowned upon when he rolls deep up into a jobsite blarin’ Black Eyed Peas’ “I Got A Feeling”?  He’s probably the guy that can barely keep from giggling when his workers use the word “studs” or “caulk”.

Now in the corner of the picture you will see parked next to the Jetta is an old Benz with oxidized paint.  Now that dude I believe.  I see that dude rolling around with 4×4’s hanging out the window cuz they were too long for his backseat.  Plus you can tell that dude don’t give a fuck.  He didn’t even bother to roll up his windows before going into the store.  That’s how fucked up his life is as a contractor, he’s basically saying, “Go ahead and screw with my car, you’re not going to make my life any worse.”

THAT is the dude I want working on my house!

So my new job has me working at a warehouse for a discount department store.  Imagine any evil nationwide entity where you choose to buy both tampons and TV’s and you have a 33% chance of being correct.  The fascinating thing about working here is I had no idea some of the crazy shit that crosses the shelves of America everyday.  I look at the things my employees move around everyday and am just fascinated at some of the things people have thought of to make a buck.

And every once in awhile I get super hater-jealous at an idea I can’t believe I didn’t think of.  Case in point, I present to you the Robo-Sapiens:

I don’t know anything about this product.  I don’t know if it is fun, if it’s cool or even if it functions.  All I know is that I am ridiculously jealous of the play on words that passed me by when I failed to turn “Homo” into “Robo”.  But as George Bush so elegantly put once upon a time, “Fool me once shame on… shame on you.  Fool me… you can’t get fooled again.”

So I have chosen today in this forum to announce my new line of adult action figures called Robo-Sexuals.  And like any good toy it has to have substance.  So instead of the age old classic kung-fu grip, Robo-Sexuals will just make a fist on one hand.   And we also know any good robo-toy needs to have transformation powers.  So the other hand will shape-shift into a lube dispensing power cannon.  The robot comes dressed in a finely tailored suit but when its light meter senses that it’s after 9:00pm the suit transforms into cut off jeans, mesh shirt and ascot.

However understanding my target market I do understand that not every person would openly play with the toy so for those still not ready to take the plunge there is the Limited “No-Robo” Edition.  Which allows even the proudest straight man play with the toy to his heart’s content while still proudly asserting his staunch “No Robo” stance.

Long time readers know I love all things Canadian.  Michael J Fox, hairy muff and most of all their bands.  Here is a great independently made video to one of Canada’s best bands Broken Social Scene.  For those that haven’t heard of them you may still know one of their members.  You see Broken Social Scene is one of those so-called “Super Groups” made up of all sorts of Cantuckians, one of which is Leslie Feist, whom you may know simply as Feist.

Anyway check our this great vid and if you dig on the song there is a stream/download of the song embedded below.

Broken Social Scene – All To All by ericaurr

Intro:

Hey this is TJ Shelby.  Many months ago, Jrodius laid before me an open offer to become a contributing blogger on Going Guerilla whenever I felt the urge.  At the time, GG had a significantly different vibe from many of my rage and rant posts that I was writing on my blog at the time (mostly against Prop 8 and against the Mormons as I transitioned away from full participation in that religion).  The posts offered by Jrodius and Puddins were often rants (hilarious rants) that still felt lighthearted and overall positive.  I think I’m at a place in my life now where I can write to that particular mood setting.  On that note, I hope you enjoy my first offering:

So my 8-year daughter had a play date at the home of one of her little friends.  I’ve never met this girl’s parents but my wife, Nicole, has apparently interacted with the girl’s mother at our local school bus stop and maybe even some school functions too.  The girl has been over to our house before and she’s a good, well-behaved kid.

After said play date, Hannah comes home and my interrogation begins (because I watch Law and Order, CSI, etc).  Nothing out of the ordinary is revealed.  Playing, pets (my daughter has been warming to other people’s pets and overcoming her phobia), dolls, chasing younger siblings, etc.  Okay, it seems like it was all on the up and up.

Then, an hour or so later, during dinner, our family discussion led to a general reminder about why Mommy (Nicole) is still not physically able to be at 100% Mom-level due to her recovering from the pregnancy and C-section.  At which point,
Hannah says, “Oh yeah, I saw a C-section.  It was gross.”

**Instantly my Dad-alert antennae jump to attention**

“Hannah”…in my softest, most non-threatening voice, “When exactly did you see a C-section?”

“When I was at _____’s house.”

“Oh.  That’s interesting sweetie. (Mind racing.  How do I approach this gently?) And why did you end up watching a baby
being born?”

“Oh well, ______ and I couldn’t change the TV channel and ______’s mom was busy out on the porch so we watched the video of when ______’s brother was born.”

“(W…T…F!!!)  …sigh…  Alright.  And Hannah, what did you think of the video?”

“It was a long video dad.  I didn’t know there was so much blood when a baby comes out.  There is a LOT of blood.”

“Yes Princess.  Sometimes there is a lot of blood.  (Bringing it full circle) That is why your Mom is still recovering and needs you and your brother to help her during the day.”

“Was there a lot of blood when Aaron was born?  Cuz that was freaky.”

——————–

Okay, let’s review.  Play date, unsupervised television, unapproachable parent, baby birth video.  My question to fellow parents is simply this:  Am I over-reacting in thinking this is just full on bat-shit crazy?  Or should I just chill out and realize that sooner or later my 8 year old was going to learn about the bloody medical realities of how babies enter this world?  Let me know…

By now, if you read this site regularly, it’s probably plain to see that I will one day make a great old neighbor.  I am going to be awesome at telling kids to get off my lawn, perfecting the phrase “My yard, my ball” and shooting kids that litter on my front yard with pellet guns.  That’s something old people do, right?  My point is that I’m really good already at letting little things annoy me greatly.

One of the things that really “gets my goat” (old person lingo) is the phrase “I’m just saying”.  This may be one of the biggest crutches to mentally retarded conversationalists around the world.  Think of this phrase as a verbal life raft for drowning arguments, or as an invisible force field of poorly contrived words acting as a safe haven deflecting all logic.

The phrase “I’m Just Saying” should really come with a name tag that reads “Hi! My Name Is: Stupid” because that’s all I see when you say it.  The phrase implies that yes, you do realize that I just took your feeble stance, decimated with logic and facts, yet you still feel the need to try and save face with this idiotic phrase.  It is so sad really.

For example:

Stupid Person- “I don’t know why we even allow foreigners in America.  We don’t want ‘em.”

Smart Person- “Well everyone in America is a product of immigration at some point, therefore unless your family is Native American, you too are a product of foreigners coming to America.  In fact, our country even has erected a beacon to immigration* at the gates of our largest city decreeing ‘Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free’.  It seems unfair to say we don’t want them if we are publicly stating that they are welcomed in America, doesn’t it?”

Stupid Person- “I’m just saying…”

Yes asswipe, this is America and you are definitely entitled to “just say” anything you like.  But know that I also reserve the right to destroy stupidity at it’s every turn.  In fact I see it as my, and everyone else’s, duty to destroy your stupidity so it won’t infect others.  Think of me as the world’s first thought oncologist and you sir or madam are the idiotic cancer killing America.

I’m just saying…

*Yes I know The Statue Of Liberty was a gift from the French.

Fuck yes!

[H/T] Nick Holmes

I was a Humanities major in college, as such I often had to study, and be subsequently tested on, various forms of classical music.  Composers like Puccini, Verdi, Vivaldi, and Wagner.  But the soundtrack to my life in San Diego during my 20’s was much more akin to punk music.  Unlike many people I don’t see why your love of either must be mutually exclusive.  Luckily I’m not the only one.  Check out London Punkharmonic Orchestra, if you like ‘em you can even download their album free in the player below.

This is The Clash’s original version of “White Riot”:

A quick aside… How fucking awesome is Joe Strummer?  If you like Op Ivy or Rancid and don’t know Joe Strummer you should be stoned in public.

The London Punkharmonic Ochestra Version:

I even love how the orchestral version makes a faux siren sound at the beginning as the original song did. Now on to the free music sexiness:

London Punkharmonic Orchestra by zsoltbako

(Besides the fact my boy hooked me up with a bootleg copy of Arcade Fire’s new album two weeks early…) This is what I’m digging on today:

Swedish House Mafia – One (Your Name) feat Pharrell

H/T: Faux Fur and Soccer Shirts

*Update: Just found this stream with a free d/l of the song.  Grab it while it lasts… (Click down arrow in player)

Been grabbing all kinds of free music on the web lately.  But it ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none…  So go get yours!

Childish Gambino – Cul de Sac

The name may not ring a bell but the face might.  Childish Gambino is also better known as Donald Glover, one of the starts of NBC’s Community.  But for some of us we know him from Derrick Comedy and his time writing for 30 Rock.  His entire album-length mixtape is available for free download here.  Here’s the second cut off the album:

Shout Out Louds – Tonight I Have To Leave It/Normandie

Not new songs by any stretch, but they are great ones and they’re available to download for free.  This whole album, Our Ill Wills, is fantastic by this Swedish outfit.  If you like these songs I advise you to pick up the rest. (To download simply click the downward arrow on the far right of the player)

Shout Out Louds- Tonight I Have To Leave It by whatbear
Normandie – Shout Out Louds by deadpoetshonour

Just for good measure here is my favorite song off this album, but unfortunately it is stream only. No download:
02-shout out louds-impossible (album version) by brunodalvi

Arcade Fire 4x The Pleasure

Here are four songs, singles and B-Sides, released in advance of the Canadian band’s upcoming new album The Suburbs.  All are available for free download.
Arcade Fire by WNYorker