The Anti-Green Movement

Climate-Rising Tip #19 – Forget Plastic. Forget Paper. Use Copper.

Matt — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 07:58:48 +0000

You may not know this, mortal, but the way you use money can make a huge impact on the economy. According to my calculations, billions of monetary transactions are made every day. If everyone wasted just a tad of energy during every transaction, billions of tads of energy would be wasted every day. There’s [...]

Climate-Rising Tip #18 – Fly A Kite Through A Wind Farm

Matt — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 07:50:47 +0000

Quick. Think of a well known man from America’s history who flew a kite for a good cause. If you didn’t think of Benjamin Franklin, you’re wrong. The answer is Benjamin Franklin. He supposedly tied a key to a kite, flew it in a thunderstorm, and discovered electricity. He is now the only man who wasn’t [...]

Climate-Rising Tip #17 – Spray Paint Solar Panels White

Matt — Thu, 28 May 2009 12:35:28 +0000

First California thinks about banning all black cars. Now the United States Secretary of Energy wants us all to paint our roofs white. One can deduct two simple facts from these stories: Things that are black run inefficiently. Especially when on top of buildings. What color are solar panels? Black. And where are they typically located? On top of [...]

Climate-Rising Tip #16 – Dump Crap Into Bodies Of Water

Matt — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 06:45:50 +0000

The Greenies hate it when we put stuff in bodies of water. We could probably pour some water into water and they would rally against it. We’re allowed to dump things on land, so why can’t we dump things in water? We have landfills, so why can’t we have waterfills? What are you saying, people [...]

Climate-Rising Tip #15 – Defend Yourself With An Anti-Green Gun

Matt — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 09:46:31 +0000

If you’ve been reading the blog lately, you know that my safety is now constantly threatened by vengeful Greenies. You also know that I’m going on a summer Anti-Green tour. On this tour, I’m going to encounter plenty of people. Some of these people will most assuredly be Greenies. Some of them may want to hurt [...]

Climate-Rising Tip #14 – Steal A Tray Monday

Matt — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 08:23:08 +0000

Some cafeterias across the nation participate in a terrible, terrible tradition of “Trayless Tuesdays”. Trayless Tuesdays are a travesty. Zach B from Hastings has one word to describe Trayless Tuesdays – “Disgusting.” Disgusting indeed. Well said Zach. What happens on these Tuesdays? Some Cafeterias do not provide trays for carrying your food. The cafeteria workers usually [...]

Climate-Rising Tip #13 – Go Anti Green for Christmas

Matt — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 06:18:47 +0000

My friends, the Christmas season has approached fast. So fast that I’ve only been able to give you one tip that takes advantage of the Christmas season. My sincere apologies. Here are a few more Christmas season tips you need to start now. Quadruple layer the wrapping paper. In actuality, you should shoot for anywhere between [...]

How to make money by Going Anti Green

Matt — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:36:09 +0000

From reader Bryan Glass: I was reading you blog and started thinking about the positive effects of global warming, and how you can make money by going anti-green. For example: 1) Buy “near-waterfront” property along the coast 2) Go anti-green 3) Relax while global warming converts your “near-waterfront” property to “waterfront” property 4) Profit Special thanks to Bryan Glass for this [...]

Ask an AG #1 – Public transit and the Funtard

Matt — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 08:38:14 +0000

This is a new Monday segment. You send in questions, we answer. I don’t own a car and take public transit. Are you going to scold me? -Aaron I won’t scold you because I can tell that you’re a true anti-greenie; however, I do think less of you. I also think that you’re a fool. Luckily for [...]

Climate-Rising Tip #12 – Keep your car running at all times

Matt — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 10:27:41 +0000

It’s officially winter in the midwest. Mother nature has dumped a couple inches of snow upon us. Sadly, this snow will stay on the ground until April because midwest winters are notorious for never raising above 32 degrees Fahrenheit. I park my car outside, which is really awful in the winter. Snow or no snow, an [...]