girl could get lost

my shoe soulmate

2011-11-15T12:12:00.000-08:00

last month while searching for some random wedding-related thing, i stumbled upon an inspiration board containing a photo of a pair of chanel shoes that i instantly fell head over heels (pun totally intended) in love with.

(credit: elizabeth messina photography)

as the days passed, i tried to dismiss the idea that i HAD. TO. HAVE. these shoes as a) they are chanel. chanel = ridiculously out of my budget and b) i couldn't find them. anywhere.

'lo after multiple online searches using every possible combination of "chanel" and "shoes" and "to die for," i finally discovered the style name and the fact that they came out back in 2008 making them even more obscure and hard to find.

until last week. when a pair popped up on ebay (after weeks of searching). in my size. brand new. and at a fraction of their original price.

if that doesn't say "these shoes are absolutely positively meant for you and you alone" then i don't know what does.

needless to say, i snapped those babies up and my precioussssss are on their way to me as we speak.

wedding planning: the first two months

2011-10-28T11:05:00.000-07:00

when i've made a decision or a plan to do something, no matter how far in the future it may be, i put the wheels in motion to get 'er done. especially if that something is an event that i'm really excited about. something like say, my wedding.

the last couple of months since our engagement have been a whirlwind with regards to wedding planning. most of the big decisions have been made.

when i started looking at venues literally the first week that we got engaged, d. thought i was off my rocker. i had to convince him that if we were going to get married next september like we were planning, then we were in fact already BEHIND the game since august/september is a highly desirable time of year to get married in the bay area due to the reliability of the weather. he finally got the clue when i narrowed done a couple of places that had the rustic, intimate feel we wanted and we found out that lo and behold, ALL of their saturdays from next may thru october were already booked out.

thus, we are going to have our wedding on a sunday. and that's fine with me. all of the out of town guests will be staying beyond the weekend anyway, and those that are local will have plenty of notice to take the following monday off if they plan on partying hard at our wedding (which i will see to it that they do!)

so, the deets.

wedding date: september 9, 2012 (i did d. a favor with this one. it can't get ANY easier to remember a wedding anniversary than 9/9 right?)

ceremony/reception venue: SO in love with the intimate and rustic feel of this place

(credit: shannon stellmacher photography)

wedding dress:

(credit: alvina valenta website)

JUST KIDDING. you didn't really think i'd post a photo of my wedding dress did you? the above dress however was my second choice. while i did love it, it didn't give me the same tear-inducing "wow" factor that my actual dress does. and the crazy thing is that my dress is the VERY FIRST wedding gown i ever tried on. i couldn't believe that i found it so fast, so i tried on many, many gowns after, but nothing else gave me the same feeling. until i went with my mom and sister and tried THE dress on again, and i just KNEW. i NEVER thought i would be on of those women (a la "say yes to the dress") who would get emotional and tear up when trying on a wedding dress...turns out, i was wrong.

wedding colors: gray and yellow

when i first tell people that my wedding colors are gray and yellow, some of them respond with "hmm..that sounds...interesting." until they see the above inspiration board that i put together and they realize how utterly AWESOME of a color combination it is. can't wait to see it all brought to life!

photographer: my oldest, dearest and uber-talented friend meesh has agreed to photograph our engagement and wedding photos as her gift to us. i can't even begin to thank her enough and i am so excited that she'll be such an integral part of our day!

flowers: my dream bouquet

(credit: gladys jem)

i've decided, with the help of family and friends, that we'll be doing the flowers ourselves *gasp*. we'll be using a lot of succulents (w/ some floral accents) because of their natural blue/gray tones and because we just generally love them. the beauty of using succulents in the centerpieces is that they can be done a couple weeks ahead of time. the bouquets and boutonnieres will be put together by my bridal party and i the day before the wedding. i've scouted the sf flower mart and have found a couple vendors who can special order my favorite flower, ranunculus, for me to incorporate into the bouquets since they'll be out of season that time of year. as for the succulents, they grow fairly fast around here so in a couple months we'll be picking out our favorites and planting them in our backyard to let them multiply...by the time september rolls around we'll have plenty on hand to use in the centerpieces and bouquets :)

so, as you'll see from the above, i'm not messin' around haha. the two big outstanding items are:

1. find a wedding officiant
2. find a videographer

d. and i have debated about my desire to have a videographer document the day. he thinks it's unnecessary and that we'll never even watch the wedding video. i think the complete opposite. not only will it be a great opportunity for us to relive the day and see all of the little things that we'll miss, but it'll also be a chance for friends and family who won't be at the wedding to witness it as well. and maybe he won't watch it, but i foresee that i'll probably watch it over and over and over again..haha.

for those of you that are married or getting married, did you have a videographer? if you did, are you happy with your decision and do you watch your wedding video? if you didn't, do you regret not having one?

that's about it on the wedding front for now...hope everyone has a great halloween :)

the blog gets a facelift

2011-10-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

things have been pretty quiet around these parts, mostly due to the fact that i've been buried deep in work craziness and wedding planning chaos.

more on that later...in the meantime, please click on over from your readers to check out my amazingly adorable new blog design, courtesy of the fabulous and talented sharnee.

what do you think?

the most important answer to the most important question

2011-08-17T14:58:00.000-07:00

i haven't forgotten that i still need to do an alaska trip post, but things were pretty crazy when we got back what with catching up at work and everything. then i was gone for three days again last week.

last wednesday, my sister and i flew to las vegas to meet my family for a mini reunion / birthday celebration. my cousin turned 21 on thursday so we wanted him to celebrate in style. plus my birthday was on sunday so it worked out well that my grandma, aunts, uncle and cousins were in town from the east coast so we could all celebrate together. d. didn't come with since he had to work and also stayed home to watch the pups.

after three fun-filled days of gambling, trying to stay cool in the 100 degree heat and eating way too much food, we drove back to my parents' house outside of LA on friday. my mom and stepdad seemed to be in a rush to get back to town saying that my stepdad needed to run to the office for a meeting.

when we got back though, my stepdad ended up sticking around for awhile and my mom mentioned that her friend would be coming over with food that she ordered so we could have an early birthday dinner for me that night. eventually, around 9pm, my stepdad finally left to go "to the office." when he got back a little while later, my mom called everyone down to the living room to start eating. i got up to go to the bathroom and my mom was all "WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" to which i answered "uhhhh...i need to pee. is that ok?" she was all "oh. okay go ahead."

when i got out of the bathroom, the doorbell rang. when i opened the front door, d. was standing there with a huge bouquet of flowers and a big smile on his face. i was in complete and utter shock as i wasn't expecting to see him until i got home on sunday. "surprise! happy birthday baby!" to which i shouted "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!"

i was so touched that he came to surprise me for my birthday that i started crying. then i started crying even more when he took my hand and started saying the sweetest, most wonderful things to me about how much he loves me and how happy i make him and how lucky he is...and THEN...he pulled a ring box from his pocket, got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. to which i shouted "OHMYGOSH YES!!" through my tears. then i heard cheers and applause and looked around to see that my entire family had gathered in the foyer and on the stairs and had been watching the entire time.

it means so much to me that he proposed to me in front of my family...especially my lola (grandmother) who i only get to see once a year at most. she cried, my mom cried, we all cried. we spent the rest of the weekend with my family and flew home on sunday afternoon.

the back story to all this is that my mom, stepdad and sister were all in on it. in fact, when my mom and stepdad AND dad and stepmom all came to visit us at separate times back in july, he asked both of them for their blessing to propose to me.

originally his flight was supposed to land at 6:45 (the "office meeting" my stepdad had to go to was to pick him up from the airport), but he MISSED HIS FLIGHT. then when he caught the next one, he was stuck on the plane after they landed due to a security alert at the orange county airport. the things my poor ~~boyfriend~~ fiance (!!!) had to do just to even get to me.

and the ring. holy cow i am SO in love with the ring. almost as in love as i am with d. it's beautiful and absolutely perfect in every single way.

i am so unbelievably happy. and I'M GETTING MARRIED. holy heck.

love letter

2011-08-05T09:31:00.000-07:00

yesterday I found a card in a used book i bought. it's dated 8/1/03 and says:

Embree,

I love you deeply! You are a part of me like these hills we both love and this earth we both walk. I will treasure my gift and learn to know it. It is wonderful, as you have been in in my life.

Jeni

it made me smile...and makes me wonder who this embree and jeni are and if they are still in love. and what was the gift???

also, hello again! i am still catching up from being away, but alaska was amazing! will post some photos this weekend.

happy friday :)

on the state of things

2011-07-22T15:13:00.000-07:00

since i've been back, some of you have asked how things are going with d.

in a word, wonderful.

i am happy. the happiest i have been in my entire 28 years of existence. that's not even an exaggeration. come next month, we will have been living together (in sin!) for two years. while i know the facts, that number continues to shock me. how in holy heck have two years flown by at supersonic speed? time flies when you're having fun eh?

listen, i don't want this to turn into an ooey gooey post that makes you all gag. i just want to tell it like it is.

it's kissing me goodbye and telling me he loves me every morning when he leaves for work without fail, even though i'm still in bed in a half asleep daze...

it's respecting me and treating me like a 100% complete and equal partner in the relationship and never making decisions that will affect the both of us without discussing it together...

it's never taking me for granted and always telling me how much he appreciates me and is so lucky to have me...

it's knowing when i've had a bad day and telling me to sit down with a glass of wine while he cooks dinner...

it's talking about our future together...and having children....and imagining what an amazing father he's going to be...

it's him constantly telling me (and showing me) how much he loves my body and thinks i'm sexy, despite all of my past insecurities about it...

it's treating my whole (crazy!) family with as much love as if they were his own from the start...

it's knowing deep down to my bones that i can trust him...

it's....a whole bunch of other things that i'll save y'all from mentioning...ha...

it was a long road to get here, but i'm in the healthiest relationship i've ever been in. and it, and he, continue to surprise me every day.

so, yeah. that's how it is.

on another exciting note, tomorrow d. and i are leaving for a week long vacay on the kenai peninsula in alaska. soooo excited. aside from camping trips, we haven't been on a real vacation since we went to mexico last january. i'll miss you all while i'm gone...but in the meantime, you can stare at this photo of my cute puppies napping....because who doesn't like looking at cute puppies napping?

50 things

2011-07-19T23:50:00.000-07:00

...because 100 was too daunting a number. for now.

i was born in the philippines and moved to the US when i was 3 years old.
i have the NEW typical nuclear family consisting of: one mom, one stepdad, one dad, one stepmom, one sister, five stepsiblings.
all together my stepsiblings, sister and i just so happen to range in age from 25 to 33 years old. dude we’re totally like the filipino brady bunch. but not.
i have been in love three times in my life. (they do say the third time's a charm right?)
my favorite fruits are bananas, mangoes and cantaloupes.
i can't really whistle. (though not for lack of trying.)
the first horror movie i ever saw was child’s play. it forever ruined me against the my buddy and kid sister dolls.
i took piano and dance lessons from the age of 6 thru 18.
my favorite number is 14.
i was raised catholic. while i don't go to church regularly, i do believe in god.
i had my first kiss when i was 7 years old. it was with my babysitter’s son. at her house. and i had chicken pox.
i’m 5’4.” i used to bemoan my height because all of my friends were taller than me when i was younger. i don’t mind it at all anymore.
i have lived in four states: pennsylvania, connecticut, new york and california.
i speak and understand tagalog pretty fluently.
i am considered light-skinned for a filipina. in fact, most people think that i’m chinese.
i love karaoke...but only when it’s on a system where you can change the key. because while i love to sing, i don’t have a very impressive range.
i can curl my tongue up into a “u.”
i sometimes snore (much to d.'s dismay)
i’ve been known to have pretty bad road rage.
i believe in karma.
i don’t own a dvr.
i wear a size 8 shoe.
i can affect a fairly decent british accent. this has been confirmed by friends who are british.
i love easter because CADBURY. MINI. EGGS. need i say more?
i taught myself to play the guitar. i’m still working on playing and singing at the same time. no one tells you that’s the hardest part.
i have a scar on each knee from two different incidents.
i work with almost all men. and i don’t mind it at all. i must say it’s the best work environment i’ve ever had.
i am left-handed and proud of it.
my favorite color is green.
i have my nose pierced.
i love horseback riding. if i had the means, i would totally buy a horse.
i had my first oyster when i was 23 in a restaurant on top of the eiffel tower. it will likely be my last because nothankyou.
i can type over 90 words per minute.
i wear contact lenses though i love my glasses and don’t mind wearing them out.
if i could be any animal, i would be a black panther. i think they’re so powerful and graceful, not to mention beautiful.
i lost my virginity when i was 17 years old.
my favorite way to have tea is steeped in soy milk w/ honey.
i love the smell of freshly ground coffee beans.
i’ve never broken a bone. *knock on wood*
my favorite alcoholic beverage is the mojito.
i’ve been to europe once (france, england and italy) with my family. i’m looking forward to going back for many more trips in the future.
i have a skin allergy to nickel, most notably necklaces and earrings. the itchiness holy heck THE ITCHINESS.
i have two dogs that i adore. strider is a male black lab and echo is a female chocolate lab.
i have no problem going to the movies by myself and in fact, i quite like it.
i love flea markets.
i've only had two cavities in my entire life. so far.
i collect vintage pyrex.
up until recently, i preferred beer over wine, but am starting to develop quite a taste for the latter.
my astrological sign is leo.
i have absolutely no doubt in my mind and heart that d. is "the one."

idiosyncrasies

2011-07-18T12:17:00.000-07:00

...we all have them right? though some may be more far fetched (or let's face it, downright fa-reaky) than others, our idiosyncrasies contribute to our indviduality...

normal: the state or condition of being exactly like everyone else (see also: boring)

my mantra has always been "normal is boring." in fact, i should probably have a shirt that says that. WAIT. one sec...

"normal is boring" t-shirt that would be perfect for christine

ah ha! google never fails. i'm a medium, would prefer the vintage black color and my birthday's coming up in august. just sayin'.

ANYWAYS.

i was thinking the other day about my particular idiosyncrasies and as it turns out, i have a few. what's that? you'd like to hear about the little things that make me a ~~weirdo~~ charmingly quirky and unique individual? happy to oblige! (in list format of course because if you didn't know, me + lists = l-o-v-e)

when i change the volume level of the stereo in my car, it HAS to be an even number. it just has to. there is no such thing as a volume level of 13. not in my car.
if i'm eating directly out of a pint container of ice cream (which ~~i do on a weekly basis~~ is a very rare occasion) i can't just scoop out spoonfuls. i scrape the ice cream out bite by bite. and before i put it away? the level of the ice cream has to be as close to perfectly level as i can get it. yes i have issues. i know this.
the toilet paper needs to be hanging over the top of the roll. OVER. not under. don't even bother to argue with me on this.
when i set the alarm clock, the time needs to be in increments of 5. sometimes d. will set it to something like 5:37 and it drives. me. crazy.
when i was in high school, i worked part time at the gap. ever since then any pants/jeans have to be folded JUST SO...to the point where d. will sometimes fold all the laundry thinking he's doing me a favor (poor guy) and i'll completely refold every single pair of pants.
see above and also apply to t-shirts
i have a thing about peeling potatoes. i hate doing it. yet i have no problem peeling carrots.
i can't leave the house in the morning until the bed is made. even if i'm running late. (my childhood self would be all "WTF?!")
if i purchase anything off of a store shelf, i never take the one in the very front. i always reach behind it and take one further back

...and i'll stop at that before i scare you all away, but i'm sure i could come up with more.

looking back at that list, i seem less like a girl with idiosyncrasies and more like someone with tendencies of the OCD variety. but i'm not OCD. that i know of.

i'd love to hear some of your quirks...aaaand go.

true story #10

2011-07-18T00:14:00.000-07:00

i have a weakness for men with dark hair and light eyes...

...men like d.

p.s. on a completely unrelated note, i now have my own domain name...hurrah! the existing feed should still be fine if you don't feel like updating it.

if a tree falls in the forest...

2011-07-14T16:09:00.001-07:00

...and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

likewise, if someone who hasn't blogged in a year and a half writes a blog post, and no one is around to read it, does it really exist?

you may wonder (if you're even still here that is)...what happened to me?

the short answer is....life.

the long answer is...once i got over the icky feeling of knowing that a certain someone had been reading my blog, i started examining why it was that i was even still blogging. my life was so full at that point...and still is. there was so much going on that i wanted to be 100% there for, to savor and to enjoy. i didn't want to spend my days thinking "oh this is how i'm going to write about this incident" or wonder "man what will my next blog post be about?" i suppose you could say i started to feel that blogging was a chore that i kept putting off...and when i realized that's how i felt about it, i stopped.

it took a year and a half for me to start feeling the itch again....to write. i went back to my old blog and also to all the posts on this one and re-read them all....through the progression of posts from 2007 to 2010, i laughed, i cried, but most of all i felt a very acute sense of appreciation that i had those entries to look back to. so that i never forget how i changed and grew (for the better) when i made the big move across the country.

old school journal writing just wasn't cutting it for me. as i near my 30s i realize more and more that down the line, i'll want to look back to these days and relive the ups, the downs and the all arounds....remember how i navigated the big milestones and goings on of my life.

so...

hello again, old friend. i've missed you.

invasion of privacy

2010-02-25T22:44:00.000-08:00

...and so it was that my blog became viewable by invitation only.

it's sad to do that, but knowing that chick was reading all about my life just made me (and my blog) feel...tainted. invaded. dirty.

funny how i don't mind the rest of the world reading what i write.

so hello again, my dear old friends. if you're reading this, you are on my contacts list and someone that i know is a legitimate reader/blogger.

it sort of feels a little cozier around these parts now doesn't it? hee. however if you know of anyone else that needs an invite, holler at your girl. just not someone who starts with a "w" and rhymes with "whore." oh wait, i didn't deliver that right did i?

oh well.

true story #9: wow

2010-02-21T14:07:00.000-08:00

i checked my stats yesterday for the first time in a quite awhile and discovered something pretty sad and somewhat hilarious. the girl that The Ex cheated on me with? READS MY BLOG. (why hello there.)

not only that, for her to even have this blog address, she had to have been reading my old blog AND she had to have emailed me (under a fake email), to obtain the new blog address.

wow.

obviously since this blog is public, anyone who chooses to can read what i write. i just wonder why she even cares what's going on in my life. she is obviously aware that i broke up with The Ex over a year ago, and that i've moved on. so should she.

it's quite sad, really.

mexico day one: 1.10.10 loreto

2010-01-23T10:25:00.000-08:00

we landed at a tiny two terminal airport in loreto and had to walk off the plane directly onto the tarmac, welcomed by the bright mexican sun. from the airport, we drove directly into town to catch the tail end of the weekly flea market. it was just like any american flea market with the exception of vendors selling copious amounts of freshly caught seafood and a variety of homemade tamales and tacos. there were also little carts selling cups of this warm concoction of sweet corn, mayonnaise, cheese and hot sauce. sounds weird, but it was oddly delicious.

the rv park in loreto where the caravan was staying was well equipped with electricity, hot showers and even a restaurant with laundry and internet access. by the time we met everyone and settled in, it was late afternoon. d. and i decided to take a walk into town to start exploring before dinner. we didn't get too far before we were drawn into a beautiful hotel off of the plaza called the posada de las flores. the interior wood and furnishings were taken from a torn down mansion. looking up at what appeared to be glass skylights from the courtyard, we realized they were actually the bottom of the rooftop pool! we ventured up to the roof to investigate and had our first margaritas of the trip at the rooftop bar.

dinner that night back at the trailer consisted of delicious and unbelievably fresh jumbo prawns that we sauteed in lemon, white wine and butter. it was an indication of all of the amazing meals we would be having all week.

we decided to walk dinner off with another stroll into town with d.'s parents, stopping in at an ice cream store that had more popsicle flavors than you could ever imagine. d. had his first one, bright blue and chiclet flavored. not my favorite, but he enjoyed it. before leaving loreto on wednesday morning, we would go back to try coconut, cookies n' cream, chile/cucumber (interesting) and kiwi/strawberry.

not even a full day in mexico yet and already we didn't want to leave.

true story #8

2009-11-30T16:25:00.000-08:00

puppy has come to associate my cursing out loud to mean that i have dropped food somewhere in the house.

for the most part, he's right. whenever d. or i are in the kitchen, puppy is usually in there keeping watch juuuuust in case one of us drops a crumb or a morsel or anything remotely edible onto the floor so he can hoover it right up.

now and then, i've had a little spill or dropped something in front of him and usually will curse as a result. as one might imagine, i had more than the usual number of said spills during my pre-thanksgiving baking. a couple of these times, puppy wasn't in the kitchen with me. i noticed however that upon my yelling "oh shit!" he'd come running into the kitchen and was all "what'd you spill? where is it? where's the food?"

this cracked me up to the extent that a couple times this past weekend, when i was in a different part of the house, or if i was in the house and puppy was in the yard, i'd yell out "shit!" just to see what would happen.

like clockwork every time, no matter where he was, puppy came running.

my dog, he's a genious. sort of.

maraming salamat...

2009-11-23T12:33:00.000-08:00

...means "many thanks" in tagalog.

this year, more than any other, i have so much to be thankful for.

i am thankful for my job. this time last year, i took a huge paycut in order to keep my job in a struggling economy and had a part time weekend job as well. yet since then, my company has been acquired by a larger, successful corporation. i worked my ass off to show the new parent company what i've got to offer and now have a higher position, salary and no more weekend job to show for it. i work with a wonderful group of people. i am proud to be a woman in a management position in a field that is dominated by men. and no matter how much i may bitch and complain when i have a rough day at work, the reality is that i thank God every day that i HAVE a job when so many people right now do not.

i am thankful for my family. especially my mama and my sister. no matter what crazy stupid situations i've put myself in, they have always, ALWAYS been there to support me whenever i needed them. regardless of whether they agree with what i'm doing or not.

i am thankful for my puppy. BEST. DOG. EVAR. (also, the most photographed dog in the history of the world.)

i am thankful for finding the ability to let go of a relationship that just wasn't meant to be. The Ex's actions, no matter how long ago they were, turned me into an ugly person. someone i didn't recognize. someone i despised. i was paralyzed by my paranoia that the second i turned my back, he would fuck me over again. i did things that i wasn't proud of to try to prevent that from happening. i was hanging onto something that wasn't worth saving. i'm glad however, that i did give it another try. i will never have regrets. it was a learning experience and one that had a profound impact on my life. most importantly, it became blatantly clear to me what i DON'T want in a relationship and a partner.

i am thankful for d. he has helped me realize what i've been missing out on. he's shown me what it's like to have a partner who doesn't just take and take and take, but gives and gives freely and unselfishly. i am also thankful for his down and dirty skills in the bedroom. i'm just sayin'.

i am thankful for the blogosphere. for allowing me to get things off my chest. for not judging me. for older readers who followed me here from the old blog and for new readers stopping by. for being rock stars and just all around awesome.

i am thankful for being able to follow a recipe. this will serve me well as i am in charge of dessert for d.'s family's thanksgiving this year. due to the sheer amount of people that will be in attendance, i'm making three, possibly four desserts. because i'm a sucker for self torture like that. ginger pumpkin tart (so over pumpkin pie and this is a much yummier alternative), lemon meringue pie and gooey chocolate butter cookies. jury's still out on the fourth dessert. dutch apple pie? pumpkin roulade? tiramisu? i want to make sure there's something for everyone, including the person who may not like pumpkin or lemon or chocolate. GAH. any other suggestions?

i am thankful for thanksgiving. for the wonderful and copious amounts of food and of course for the upcoming five day weekend. LOVE.

happy thanksgiving everyone :).

true story #7

2009-10-30T10:16:00.000-07:00

when you see The Ex for the first time in months, and he tells you how great you look? and that when he was in the jungles of peru on vacation he thought a lot about you and how much he misses you and how he realizes how stupid he was to mess up the best thing that ever happened to him? and that he's planning on moving back east before the end of the year because there's nothing for him out here anymore, but would change his plans if you would reconsider giving it another try with him?

when something like that happens? that's called VALIDATION.

needless to say, my answer was a polite thanks but no thanks. though to his credit, he was very sincere and also told me that he was glad that i'm happy and that's all that matters. i honestly hope he finishes the growing up he needs to do, finds what he's looking for and is happy.

true story #6

2009-07-28T11:19:00.000-07:00

i miss this blog. and the blogosphere.

update on my life the past two months to come. and boy will it be a doozy.

baby steps

2009-05-19T00:30:00.000-07:00

as i might've mentioned a few times in recent posts, green eyes and i have spent practically every night together the last few weeks. it wouldn't be an overstatement to say i've been wasting my rent money at my place since i've only been stopping by to pick up clothes. even puppy has been spending his days at green eyes' house while we're at work.

it's the happiest i've been in a very long time.

and yet.

the last few nights, i haven't slept well. lying on my side with his arms wrapped around me, i've never felt more at home...but i've found myself staring at the wall, my mind overwhelmed with its swirl of thoughts and worries. the reality is that we've only known each other for four months. FOUR MONTHS.

and we're practically living together.

i know that every relationship runs on its own timeline, but i'm scared that we're moving too fast. i'm scared that i've been losing myself in this little domestic bubble we've built before we've even gotten a chance to really know each other. and i sensed that he's been feeling like that too. yet the flipside is that i love spending time with him, and i'm sad when i'm not around him. a conundrum...

my concerns were validated when he sent me a text message this afternoon as i was about to leave work:

"baby i hope you had a good day. can i have some alone time tonight? just need some space right now."

my first reaction was to be hurt. that he didn't want me to spend the night. but then i got a grip and realized i'd been thinking right along those same lines, but just haven't had the strength to pry myself away. so i called him and said that i understood and that i'd stop by on my way home to pick up puppy and a few of my things.

we talked about it when i got to his house. and he was relieved that i wasn't taking it personally, wasn't freaking out, and that i understood where he was coming from. we talked about taking a step back and trying to follow the normal course of events in a relationship. trying out not spending every single night together. maybe just three or four nights a week, but with time in between to let us miss each other. and to be our own people. it's just too early for us to be a "we" 24/7.

"baby," he said. "it scares me, the feelings i have for you so soon. i love being with you. i love spending time with you. but things are moving so fast. i find myself thinking about asking you to move in with me. but that would be crazy when we've only known each other a few months. "

(agreed, but points to him for at least thinking about it.)

"i'm in love with you. i can literally see myself being with you forever...and being happy."

(million kajillion bonus points.)

"but i don't think it makes sense for me to be saying these things to you until we take the time to really get to know each other. so we have a stronger foundation for down the road."

(agreed.)

so. i took a few of my things back with me tonight to my house. my guitar, half of puppy's dog food, some clothes. and here i lie in my own bed for the first time in weeks. and while i miss him, i also feel like i have some space to breathe and do some "me" things tonight.

and as he said, it'll be that much more rewarding when i do see him.

it doesn't hurt that two hours after i left, he called me and said, "i miss you. come back over here."

ha. but i didn't. we were strong.

and here's to hoping our relationship and future will be too.

true story #5

2009-05-13T11:09:00.000-07:00

if you want to thank your boyfriend for taking you on a long relaxing weekend to lake tahoe? be in his kitchen cooking him honey dijon pork tenderloin and roasted sweet potatoes in nothing but an apron, heels and a smile when he gets home from work. you will score major brownie points. MAJOR.

those three words

2009-04-28T13:50:00.000-07:00

this past weekend brought the conclusion of a drama-filled couple of weeks involving an ex-girlfriend of green eyes' who stalked and sent me messages on facebook.

not his ex-wife mind you. no, this was an old girlfriend from years ago who he briefly hooked up with again right after he and his wife separated. and she still holds a torch for him. to the point where she sent me message after message asking me if i was seeing him and telling me he still sent her texts telling her he loved her. i ignored them and refused to even answer her. needless to say, i didn't believe her and green eyes adamantly and furiously denied even having had any contact with her since before he met me. and i believe him. aside from the fact that he has spent virtually every night with me since we met, homegirl is also busted and seriously looks like someone who would harbor an unhealthy obsession. call me a bitch, but i'm just stating fact.

it all came to fruition on friday night when she drove two hours to show up unannounced at his house and throw herself at him in an attempt to illicit some sort of response. when i showed up at his house that night, i wanted nothing more than to walk in there and slap the living hell out of her. but i didn't.

instead he met me out front, told me she was in really bad shape because he told her in no uncertain terms that he didn't want to be with her. that he wanted me. that she finally got the clue, but he couldn't kick her out because it was late and she was in no shape to drive the two hours back home.

so she would stay. and i would leave to go home and drown my jealousy in a bottle of wine.

but before i did, that night in the dark, in the middle of his driveway, he took my hand and stared earnestly in my eyes.

and told me that he loved me. that her showing up like that only reinforced his feelings about me.

and i was happy. so happy. yet so angry that this bitch made what was supposed to be a beautiful moment into something else because of her presence.

the next morning, early, he called me and told me he just kicked her out of his house. and please would i come over. so i did.

and he said it the way i was supposed to hear it the first time. i love you. i never expected you in my life and i never expected to fall in love with you so hard so fast. but i did and i do. and i can't imagine what i'd do without you right now. you make me so happy.

and i said it back.

we're taking baby steps...but i'm in love. and it's a frightening and wonderful place to be.

true story #4

2009-04-21T11:58:00.001-07:00

if you check all over and under the couch and living room (where you started) and all over and under the bed and the bedroom (where you ended up) and you still can't find your underwear in the morning? then you know it was a wild night.

gaining some clarity. sort of.

2009-04-09T10:19:00.000-07:00

this past weekend green eyes took me to see a bull riding competition with some friends of his. yes, a bull riding competition. it was the first one i've ever been to, and i loved it. seeing all the cowboy hats and big belt buckles made me smile, not to mention the fact that it was one of the few events i've been to in the bay area that didn't have very many asian attendees ha.

we had free tickets because green eyes' mom used to be the director of events at the venue where it was held. in fact they used to have the rodeo in town every year up until last year when i guess interest in the sport waned around the bay and for the first year in a long time, the rodeo didn't come. bummer because i would LOVE to go to the rodeo. makes me really miss horseback riding. i haven't been in way too long, something i'll have to rectify soon.

speaking of green eyes' mom, i met her at the event. yes, i met his mom. and his stepdad too, who is like a father to him since green eyes was barely a teen when they got married. big step, that. meeting one set of his parents. we didn't get to talk much since they were seated in a different section and we arrived a little late, but they were very sweet.

after the bull riding, we met up with some friends of his in soma at a bar for awhile before heading back to his house. you can imagine by this point after having had beers at the bull riding then more drinks at the bar that we were feeling a little tipsy. by nature green eyes is a pretty quiet guy...but when he drinks? he talks my ear off. i kind of like hearing him talk so openly when he usually doesn't, and in particular he tends to talk about his feelings and thoughts about "us."

that night after arriving back at his house, we were spooned in his bed just talking in the dark. after a momentary silence we had the following unexpected yet enlightening conversation:

green eyes: what are you doing with a guy like me?

me: what do you mean a guy like you?

green eyes: look at you. you're beautiful. you could have any guy you wanted. yet here you are with me.

at which point t i turned over to face him and looked him straight in the eye...

me: it's simple. i didn't know it until i met you, but i'm coming to realize that you? are exactly what i want. there. i said it. does that scare you?

green eyes: no. that doesn't scare me. what scares me is that i have feelings for you. and i'm scared that you're going to hurt me. i've been through a lot this past year. so have you. are you ready for this?

me: to be honest, i did debate that a lot in the beginning. whether or not i was ready for you so soon. but after some thought, i realized that i'd been checked out of my relationship for a long time before it actually ended. i was holding onto something that wasn't there anymore. and now? i'm happier than i've been in a long time. so yeah, i'm ready for this. whatever "this" is.

green eyes: okay. i hear you. and that's good to know because for me...if we're going to do this...i'm an all or nothing kind of guy. i'm ready to give it all.

me: so am i.

green eyes: well okay then.

me: okay.

green eyes: so i was thinking we should get puppy a dog bed for my house...since you're here all the time anyway...

me: wow. that's sort of a big step. do you think you're ready for that? (half joking)

green eyes: i know right. but yeah, i think i am.

me: and for the record, i have feelings for you too you know. you better not hurt me either punk.

green eyes: i won't.

me: good.

and then last night he told me he'd cleared out a drawer for me in his dresser in case i wanted to leave some things there.

though despite that conversation, notice we still haven't actually defined what "this" is.

i mean, i know it involves spending pretty much every night together. and having a great time whenever we're together. and fucking phenomenal sex. and delicious home-cooked meals. and helping him choose and apply paint for his fireplace. and pick out veggies and fruits to plant in his garden. and meeting all his friends and his mom and stepdad. and puppy absolutely adores him and vice versa (he's jokingly started referring to him as his dog). and thinking about him all. the. freaking. time. and constantly being touched and surprised by how sweet and considerate he is (which by the way brings my sister to tears when i tell her because she says this is what i deserved all along and wasn't getting and i shouldn't be so surprised when a guy treats me like that). and did i mention the amazing sex?

so. though i'm still not clear on exactly what "this" is? i'm liking it. a lot.

true story #3

2009-04-07T08:48:00.001-07:00

when you sing and play your guitar for a man for the first time, and he responds with "damn baby i can imagine you singing my kids to sleep someday," your ovaries WILL weep and wrench with yearning. and then you'll remind yourself to get. a. grip. woman.

didn't see this coming

2009-03-23T18:09:00.000-07:00

green eyes and i have spent nine out of the last ten nights together.

what the fuck am i doing?

he's not my typical "type." not hot, but kind. not tall, but sweet. almost to his mid-thirties, yet boyishly endearing. he has rough, callused hands, yet when they're on me they're the most gentle i've ever felt. he was married, yet has been divorced for almost a year. i'm happy when i'm with him, sad when i'm not.

i've known him for two months. while i've been on dates with other men, the reality is that each time i've thought to myself that i'd rather be spending the evening with him. i wasn't looking for another relationship so soon. neither was he. yet it's been vocalized that despite our initial intentions, feelings are beginning to creep into the picture.

last night, we decided to take a break from each other...thinking maybe it wasn't so healthy spending all this time together so soon. i went out to dinner with a friend, but was thinking of him the entire time. he woke me up this morning with a phone call. "baby i missed you last night."

and then i slid off my bed into a puddle of mush.

so fuck it, we said. i'm leaving to see him in a few minutes.

am i getting myself into trouble or what?

gah.

true story #2

2009-03-16T16:36:00.000-07:00

i think men that cook are sexy.

especially men that cook for me.