ginnibeam.net

the place where trees speak louder than the people

Comments should be working now. Sorry about that, and thanks for alerting me to their brokenness.

Okay, so now that that's out of my system, actual updates. Or at least random thoughts.

My spiritual life has been getting stronger, despite the fact that I'm not able to attend church right now (due to weekend training). I've been doing some simple but practical things, like reading the Bible out loud to Alma so that I'm entertaining her while I read it, or praying every time I'm pumping on the weekends. Also significant: a friend from Watermark has asked me to be part of a small group of women (five including me) that she will be discipling for the next six months. I've always admired her boldness for evangelism and her passion for Christ, so I felt pretty honored that she asked. I think I'm going to learn a lot from this.

My social life is thriving more than ever. For the first time, I feel like social engagements are something I WANT to do, not something I dread and do out of obligation. We're really loving our Foundations group. Betty & Andrew threw a Chinese New Year party, which involved lots of delicious food and wonderful people. I've been going to Square One, the new moms ministry at Watermark, and it makes me feel awesomely normal (and smug that Alma is the cutest baby there). We've been hanging out with assorted members of the Cameron/Daniel/Andrew/Jason/Aaron/Michael/Alex crowd fairly regularly. We also got to see Nikki and Blake for a bit the other day.

Weekend training is going really well. I'm starting to actually really enjoy practicum instead of being stressed out by it; it feels like I'm actually teaching, and I, well, enjoy that. That's the whole point, right? Nicole (co-founder/owner of Sunstone) did my most recent assessment and had only good things to say, which made me feel great. I think I can do this, after all.
I'm teaching three mock classes in the next two weeks--two at my house, and one at Watermark before Square One to some of the moms there. GULP. On the plus side, none of them will be grading me or will know the difference if my timing is off by ten seconds.

Oh, and guys. I can do THREE pull-ups now. A few weeks ago, I couldn't even do one. I had Alan move the chin-up bar to the bedroom doorway, and every time I walk under it, I attempt to do as much as I can. Crazy!

I've lost a lot of weight recently--not by any particular design, probably a combination of breastfeeding, working out regularly, and not eating a ton. Anyway, I calculated it up today, and I have about 12% body fat. For women, 10-12% is considered essential fat. What this means for me practically is that I have pretty much lost all the weight that I have to lose. It's weird; I always thought I would feel different once I'd reached that point, if I ever reached it. Shouldn't I feel like a supermodel now? Shouldn't I feel some sense of accomplishment? Instead, I find myself thinking, "Okay, that's great, now I just need to improve the appearance of such and such and THEN I'll be beautiful." I'm starting to think that my sense of "beautiful" is like some people's sense of "rich"--it's always just a little bit more than what you have. Maybe I'm beautiful already. Maybe I've been beautiful all along.

Because I'm gone all day on the weekends and Alan's gone all day on the weekdays, our time together has become very precious, and we're trying to be intentional about how we spend it. To that end, we went on a date to a shooting range and it was SUPER fun. (We shot a .22 semi-automatic pistol; we were both pretty good at it--Alan was better, of course.) We went to IKEA one night to spend the gift certificates we've accumulated over the past two Christmases, and we ended up with a little chest of drawers, a coat rack, and a full-length mirror. We still have $60 left to spend, but the store was closing. I could have blown a LOT of money there.

Small house update: a before and after of the living room (first photo is from August 2010 when we'd just moved in):

GTL:
- My niece, Addi, is standing on her own for the first time!
- Recording with Daddy
- Alan bought me some new clothes (I was down to the dregs)
- Alma is four months old!
- We've been having some gorgeous weather lately
- ...and we had a LOT of rain one night that did the lakes a lot of good
- Alan bought me flowers a week or two ago
- Having this yoga stuff down pat
- Good friends who will help us with Alma
- Evangelism opportunity dropped right in our laps
- The exciting journey towards getting out of debt
- Set Daniel up on a successful blind date
- Leslie might be getting married soon!
- I deserve death, but have been given life
- Katy is going to take a crack at Alan's family tree
- My girl gets stronger and more beautiful every day
- Melanie invited me to her wedding
- Keeping the house relatively clean
- Alan made me chicken tortilla soup last night
- My sweet sleepy girl

taste the salt and taste the pain

I'm in a bit of a bad mood right now, which I recognize and am okay with--I can feel a little tired/grumpy/sad and it's not the end of the world, it doesn't mean all my progress is for naught, and I don't have to act on those feelings. But I do want to vent about something.

People are constantly telling Alan what a great dad he is. Complete strangers come over to tell him. And while I definitely agree with them (he is an AMAZING dad), I can't help wondering...what is it that he's doing that I'm not? Because other than Alan, not a single person (not one) has told me that I'm a good mom. The closest I've gotten is the reassurance that I'm not a bad mom, which is nice and all, but really. I feel like anything I do for Alma "doesn't count" because "it's my job," whereas all Alan has to do is not ignore her and he's automatically a great dad.

Annnnd then Alma just cooed and laughed at me for about five minutes straight and I feel like a petty loser for caring about recognition from anyone other than that sweet, happy, hazel-eyed girl. Sigh.

it's all the seasons in one day

Isaiah 49:15: “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!"

My first weekend of Tier 3 is over, and though it went very well (extraordinarily well, actually--and it's so much easier than the intensive!), I spent a great deal of the time missing Alma. I pumped milk for her in every ten-minute break and cooed at her over the phone and bragged to all my fellow trainees about her. Training kept me busy, of course, but every time my mind wasn't occupied, it went right back to her.

Sometimes I have a hard time understanding God's love. I compare it to my own idea of what it should be like ("If He loved me, wouldn't He ____?"), which leads to me feeling unloved. My friend Katy posted the aforementioned verse as her Facebook status today, and it was comforting to me. My love for Alma is huge, indescribable. If God's love is so constant that I could forget her before He would stop loving me, it must be pretty dang amazing.

GTL:
- Holy crap I'm going to be a yoga instructor soon!
- My DARCC interview went really well; they need someone to start right away and obviously I can't do that, since it's a weekend thing, but they're going to call me in March and see if I can join then
- The sweet, affectionate rats
- We finally paid off the last of our hospital/doctor bills
- I'm doing well on this new medication dosage and I'm breaking my habit of freaking out when things don't go as planned
- We had a really great dinner with the Calloways (yummy gumbo), and I'm excited about having a real friendship with them
- Foundations group meets for the first time this Tuesday
- My husband is the bomb dot gov
- We're finally full-fledged members of Watermark
- Alan is running regularly and plans to qualify for the Boston this year
The Hunger Games was pretty good (I liked the plot better than the writing, so I think the movies should be good)
- Actually, it's going to be a good year for movies overall: see also Avengers, Dark Knight Rises, The Hobbit
- The house is getting prettier and prettier (I swear I'll post pictures soon)
- Evanescence is going to be on the Underworld: Awakening soundtrack
- I have the greatest bunch of friends
- Alan's new "I'd Rather Be In Virginia" t-shirt
- Jennifer and Sebastian are coming over tomorrow
- God is still God, and that means more to me every day

things I would do if I had unlimited time and resources

figure skate, be a midwife, learn several other languages, dance ballet, enlist in the military, have fifteen kids, spend time gardening and landscaping, trace my family tree back in all directions, travel all over the world (spending at least a month in Turkey), learn martial arts, write an instrumental concept album based on the Neverending Story, adopt a bunch of animals, get a tattoo (or a dozen tattoos), work in a bridal salon, open my own yoga studio, take a Vipassana course.

I could sleep, I could sleep

2011 is wrapping up nicely. We were in our first parade (as Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus). We found a mentor couple for our Foundations group, and it's very likely that Betty and Andrew will be joining our group as well. I got my medication adjusted. We've figured out how to divvy up our Christmas time without drama. We're sending out Christmas cards for the first time (unfortunately, most of you won't be getting one; it's the curse of having so much family and so little expendable cash to spend on postage).

And then there's Alma--oh, that sweet, wonderful girl. She makes me so happy. We've had some hard days, but for every day where she fusses and cries, there's a day where she giggles non-stop, smiles so big that her eyes squint up, and snuggles into me while she sleeps. She coos and "talks" and loves to watch me fold clothes and listen to me sing. She's also sleeping through the night, more or less, which is a huge perk. She loves to stand and look around, and hates it when she can't see what's going on.

2012 is a promising year. There are a lot of things that could happen and a lot of ways it could go. Here are some highlights:

Tier 3 of yoga instructor training begins on January 7 and concludes March 18. It's a much lighter load than the intensive, since I'll only be in training on weekends from 8 to 6. Assuming I manage to graduate, I'd begin teaching immediately (although I won't get paid until I've taught ~25 classes). Finding time to teach will be tricky, but I'm thinking I'll stick with 6AM and weekend classes for the most part, since Alan will be able to take care of Alma. And dude. I'll be teaching. At freaking. Sunstone.

On top of that, a part-time paid advocacy position has opened up at DARCC. I would be covering parts of the hotline/hospital schedules not covered by volunteers, as well as being backup for the shifts that were covered. I would be paid just for being on call, regardless of whether or not I actually had a case come up during that time--and I'd get paid extra if a case did arise. I would also be splitting the position with a few other people, so I'd only have to work one weekend a month.
TL;DR version: I'd basically be getting paid to do what I currently do for free. I'm interviewing for the job in January. Nothing's guaranteed, but I'm good at what I do and I don't see why I wouldn't get it.

I find myself feeling torn about potentially taking on two jobs (albeit part time jobs) AFTER having a baby. My dad gave me one piece of advice when I told him about the DARCC opportunity: "Guard your time together." That was when I realized that what I put on my calendar has become infinitely more significant now that every minute I spend somewhere else is a minute I'm not spending with Alma. Given how much time I spent crying about her growing up when I was WITH her the whole time, I can't imagine how I would feel if I woke up one day and realized that I'd missed out on time with my wonderful girl and that I could never get it back. So yes, I am going to zealously guard our time together.

All that being said, I think it's healthy for me to have some time for myself and my interests. Alan and MD have both reassured me that this is a great opportunity for me. And if I'm going to be off doing yoga and advocacy anyway, I might as well get paid for it, right? Which leads nicely into my next point...

Finances are a little tight right now, as they always are around Christmastime, but I'm optimistic. We have two things we're trying to pay off: my car (pretty small amount) and Alan's school loans (oh my word soooo huge). Alan did the math, and if we continue putting the same amount towards debt every month (we would increase it if any additional income started coming in, but we're making conservative calculations here) and don't acquire any new debt (I don't see why we would), we will be completely debt-free by 2017 at the latest. Sure, it's a long way off, but big picture, it isn't too bad. And just think how awesome it'll be when we're out of debt completely and all that money is going into savings!

Then there's school. Alan just wrapped up his ASL4 course, which means he now has three correspondence courses of his choice, plus two computer sciences courses at UTD once he's done those. Finances will determine how many he can take at a time. My schooling is kind of up in the air for now, due to a limitation on time, finances, and uh...knowledge of what classes I have left. (In my defense, I have requested my transcript more times than I can count. Not much I can do to hurry it along.)

Meanwhile, Alan is all set to start leading his own small group of middle school boys at church! He's such a natural leader and he's always loved youth ministry, so this is a perfect fit for him. We're not sure yet exactly what this will entail, but we're excited.

OH AND MY BRO IS GOING ON A MISSION TRIP TO PERU AND MY JO-GIRL IS GETTIN' HITCHED, HOLLAAAAA.