In anticipation of April 15, I am providing the following advice to geezers who are preparing their own IRS Form 1040. The following advice may or may not comply with the real IRS rules and regulations. So if you cite any information provided below during your audit, you’ll probably be going to jail, which may solve any tax problems you have.

Dependents. If you are a senior citizen and claim a child under 18 as a dependent, your return will be given extra scrutiny. Send along a sperm sample and a color photo of your trophy wife, preferably in a low cut blouse, to avoid this problem.

Loans to Family Members. Loans to family members should be listed under “non-business bad debt.” Include signed loan documents and emails begging the relative to pay you back. The IRS won’t allow your deduction, but it will provide them with a good laugh. They have families too, you know.

Family support. On the other hand, if your children are draining every last dollar of your savings to send their own kids to expensive private schools, the IRS may allow a very small “pity” deduction.

Education Credits. The IRS will not take kindly to seniors claiming education credits if your course load includes “Store Greetings,” “Burger Flipping,” or “Security Gate Guarding.”

Charity deductions. You cannot take a charity deduction for the tax money you contributed to governmental corporate bailouts.

Las Vegas/Atlantic City/Indian Casino Rule. All gambling winnings are considered ill-gotten gains and will be taxed at 90% regardless of your income. Don’t lie. The IRS checks casino videotapes.

Marriage. Speaking of sin, IRS rules generally favor senior citizens who stay single and just shack up. One of you can rent a motel room when the kids come. Do not try to deduct the room rental as ‘living expenses.”

Neatness. The IRS doesn’t want any trouble from the machines that scan your taxes. If your 5s look like 6s, the machine will have trouble. If the machine has trouble it signals an IRS employee who pulls your return and gives it the “troublemaker” review.

Line 32, Itemized Deductions. Check the “Gimme a break” box if you’re trying to itemize golf equipment used for “health purposes,” “miracle healing hormone treatments,” or any travel expenses in and around Branson, MO.

Form 1040, Line 99. If you have died during the year, be sure to check the box on line 99 labeled “Leave me alone. I’m dead.”

At first I thought it was my eyes. You know, spots that become bugs, which then become an army of ants marching across your vision. But no, it was not early onset glaucoma. It was the march of the asterisks.*

Asterisks probably began as poor cousins to the footnote. The dignified footnote required a raised number, author, page, publisher, and sometimes little Latin words such as Ovum and Ibid. An asterisk just said, “See below,” plain and simple. But asterisks served a purpose in drawing your attention to some small bit of information that you needed to know. Such as the study the author just cited was based on 5 people living in Elbonia.

But the subdued asterisk has now become a hidden enemy. The little asterisk on top now leads to text that redefines whatever it was that you read in the first place.

It started with the senior discounts. A hotel brochure shouting Special Senior Price on top had an asterisk that led to a smaller asterisk on the back of the brochure. Here the asterisk revealed that the discount was only good on Monday through Thursday, unless the Monday was an odd number. A second asterisk note said that senior amenities did not include shampoo or towels but did include one plastic cup. Wrapping not included.

After this discovery, I began noticing more and more of the little star-like creatures. The drug price listing screamed “Seniors! $4 drugs! But then there was the asterisk. I followed it to the bottom, where in small type it told me that the $4 drug price did not apply to pills packaged in foil, pills I might want to cut in half, pills taken twice a day, red pills, pills that wanted to be red, and pink pills posing as red pills – in fact any pill that was not white, round, and generic.

Next, I turned to restaurant coupons. First off, it seems to me the coupons themselves are now getting smaller along with the type size used on them. And right beside the price on those small coupons with the small type I found a small asterisk. It said that the second meal, which was “free,” not only had to be of a lesser value than the first meal ordered, but that meals with meat, chicken or anything green were excluded. And that if a doggie bag was provided for either of the meals, the price of the bag would be added to the total food bill. Drinks, of course, not included.

The movie theater senior discount also looked promising until I read the asterisk note. The $5 off price for seniors was available only for the first two rows at the noon showing. And you had to sign a release for any neck injuries you might get.

Being an experienced asterisk reader, I immediately noticed one on the cruise booklet right next to the words Senior Cabin Special. It led to the last page where the asterisk note stated that the cabin was on the lowest ship level, opposite the engine room entrance. On the plus side, the room did come with a twin bed and mattress. Sheets, of course, not included.

*If you’re stopping to read this asterisk, you must be a geezer!

My eyes are drawn to the word “free” like peanut to butter. But this article is not about free. It’s about free’s distant cousin, discount. Well, it’s actually discount’s older brother, senior discount.

When I first became a geezer, I began noticing the words “senior discount.” Of course, I wasn’t interested. “I’m not really a senior, I’ll pay full price; it’s only fair,” I thought.

Then one evening I was standing in line at the movie theater and realized that the ticket prices were up five dollars since the last time I went to the movies. (OK, so I haven’t been to the movies in a while.) When I got to the cashier she looked at my bald head and grey hair and said, “Do you want the senior discount? $5 off.” “Hmmm,” I thought, that’s worth half a small popcorn. “I’ll take it,” I said.

Right there and then my attitude toward senior discounts became, “I’ve lived this long, now gimme my reward.” To tell the truth, I’m really not that greedy, but let’s face it, I’ve spent a lot of years paying taxes for Senatorial travel junkets, bailed out banks, and swine odor research – now it was time for a little payback.

  

I turned my senior discount attention to the grocery store. Clipping coupons and using my “Super Special Customer” card were the previously preferred methods of getting a discount on groceries. Now I noticed the small sign behind the customer service desk offering a Super Special Senior Discount card. One dollar back for every 20 dollars spent. A few minutes and Driver’s License with proof of age later, I had my own grocery senior discount card. I whistled my way though the aisles filling my shopping basket with goodies. I probably spent a few extra dollars – but I got my discount.

Next, I moved on to senior travel discounts. I’m retired. I can fly any time day or night – Airline senior discount. Hotel rooms empty? I can fill ‘em for days at a time because I don’t have to be back at work – Hotel senior discount. Travel to less desirable, more dangerous destinations – I’m talking Costa Rica, Switzerland, Liechtenstein – international senior discount. And if I can get a pack of senior citizens to travel together? Tour bus sized senior travel discounts all around.

  
Onward and upward to the world of culture, I thought. The Natural History museum was my first stop. Dinosaurs have old bones and geezers have old bones, so discounted membership seemed quite appropriate. I felt myself getting a little cocky walking through the museum with my Senior Membership card. I looked around at the families with young children. “Been there, done that – and now I’ve got my reward,” I thought, puffing my chest out like a cave man in a diorama.

  

The restaurant senior discount was a little trickier. I couldn’t decide if I should take the 10% senior discount or use the discount on the coupon the restaurant puts in the glossy section of the Sunday newspaper. I assumed the coupon was put there for geezers in the first place since we’re the only ones who still read newspapers. To determine if the senior discount or coupon was worth more I simply went up to the cash register with my bill. The female cashier winked and gave me a double discount. Of course, she was a senior!

Now that I’ve gotten the senior discount fever, I want more.

How about a discount where it really counts – at the surgeon’s. After all, without the elderly, where would heart surgeons be? In empty operating rooms, that’s where. So they should be giving us a better a Medicare senior discount when we need our bypasses or a few new valves.

And speaking of the government, couldn’t we get stamps for a little less? After all, geezers are about the only ones still using snail mail. Shouldn’t the government reward us for our years of loyalty?

But remember, you’re not going to automatically get a discount because you have grey hair. You must learn to ask for it. So as soon as you hit 50, learn to say, “Is there a discount for seniors?” You may think you shouldn’t get it because of your youthful charm. Get over it and take the senior discount. It’s free.

There was a time, which is now, when there were seven words you absolutely could not say in any medium, except cable TV. To those must be added five more words, which have been banned from all media, advertising, and even cable TV.

I am being allowed to use them here only because I have received written permission from the FCC.

Without further ado, the five words are “senior,” “old,” “aging,” “elderly,” and “mature.”

Elderly. Good riddance to this word since no one ever used it anyway. Even when there actually were old people, this word was not used. It always had the word “infirmed” attached. So if you were elderly, you were in a wheelchair or had a cane. It was supposed to be used in a kindly fashion, such as “Johnny, give up your seat for this elderly man,” but when Johnny got up, the elderly man, who didn’t want to be thought of as elderly, refused to sit in the seat, leading to a lot of ticked off people who had to stand while a seat went empty, resulting in the association of crotchety with elderly, thus giving the word an even worse connotation than when it started. So, in fact, elderly, was the first of our five words to go.

Old. Nobody ever wants to be old. Old means stepping on the ice flow with the Walrus. Kukukachoo. Old meant being shipped off to homes with the word “old” in it so you could die. Old meant “not young.” So the word “old” was simply banned from the language unless you could use it to modify something non-human like “old school,” “old building,” “old collectible” (which then became “vintage collectible”) Did you know that the book “Old Yellow” was renamed “Golden Aged Doggie?” Old still can be used in sentences, but only those that refer to the young such as “How old is that brat?”

Senior. At one time this was a fine word indicating someone was 65 and eligible for Social Security. Then the retirement age changed to 66. So who was a senior now? Then movies needed more viewers, so senior discount tickets moved down to 62. Then supermarkets wanted to create a loyal base of senior customers, so the senior discount program began at age 60. Then restaurants wanted to attract more patrons so eligible ages for senior meals began to drop, resulting in 55 year olds being able to order bland turkey and saltless soggy green beans. Then the AARP said you could join at 50 to get those hotel discounts. Because senior is now anywhere from 50 to whatever depending on the discount you qualify for, it no longer has meaning and is banned.

Mature. This term still has some good uses when referring to Snappers [Ages 13 to 30 -- See What's a Geezer, Anyway for details.]. When they get that high school degree, when they finish college, when grad school is over – whenever any of these events occurs AND the Snapper gets a job, they are said to be mature. Of course, if they pick some bum or slut to marry, they lose this mature designation. After they divorce them and get stuck with alimony or raising a child on their own, they again become “mature.” But this term is not to be used with anyone, married or single, over the age of 40. Because in that case mature indicates wrinkles, sagging boobs and bellies, and hair growing out of facial orifices. Male actors avoid this “mature” designation by being sure their leading ladies are about 21 and a sex scene is included. Female actors who are considered “mature” just don’t work, unless they can play the hip mother of a teenager.

Aging. This word is banned because humans no longer age. You’ve heard “Sixty is the new thirty.” Ninety will be “the new thirty redux.” By continuing this 30 year cycle we will never have to be 35. Aging can also be avoided by munching multivitamins, injecting Botox, pumping iron, popping Viagra, and squeezing into leather jeans. And any other activity that lets you deny bodily changes. “Aging,” however, can still be used when referring to beef.

So, remember, any time you want to use one of these offensive five words, simply substitute the term “active adult.”

We geezers want to keep our minds active. But just adding up our golf scores and planning vacations doesn’t cut it. “Beginners Bridge” is fine, but some of us want some real meat to chew on (if our dentures can handle it, metaphorically speaking). We’re talking about attending undergraduate classes at the local colleges. Especially the ones within easy Dial-A-Ride distance from those senior communities that advertised “close to college.”

We’re not concerned with matriculation – in fact, we still don’t know what that means. We don’t want an advanced degree. We just want to sit in on regular college courses and take notes in an old-fashioned spiral notebook, or computer notebook if the grandkid will lend it to us. So what college subjects are popular with senior citizens?

Religion – particularly classes that have to do with God. We’re getting closer to him or her now so we’d like to have all the facts possible. You know, a Pearly Gates cram course.

History. What the heck was that Peloponnesian war about anyway? Hey, where is Peloponnesia? Is a bus tour available? Or how about learning details about some of the little wars we only memorized the dates of like the French-Indian war. Who were the good guys? The French or the Indians?

Literature. We now have the time to reflect on the language, style, and metaphors of the great poets. Why do good fences build good neighbors anyway? If I tried to build a fence, the first thing my neighbor would do is send his lawyer out with a Platt map. Maybe the French 17th century poets would be easier. Was this poetry inspired by fighting with the Indians?

Science. When we went to school an atom had a nucleus, electron and proton. Period. Apparently, over time, the atom has grown. So we want to know what all that other stuff is and how it got here. And it might be nice to know how it’s going to help us live longer and healthier.

Some colleges, however, report intimidation of students and teachers because some senior citizens who audit classes believe they know more than the professors. Well, there are some subjects we know a thing or two about.

American History? Vietnam combat. Been there, done that. Vietnam protests. Been there, done that also. And geezers can provide insight into little known historical events – like sitting in a line waiting for gas or paying 22% interest. And we know world history too, because we’ve been on tour buses with local guides who have provided the minutest detail about every rock the bus passes. We even have the pictures to prove it.

Psychology? They especially don’t like us auditing child psych classes. We’ve raised our children and spoiled our grandchildren. We could be guest speakers except we spend too much time in class laughing at what the professor says.

The most intimidated professors are the ones who love to spew their opinions as facts. Geezers have bought and sold enough used cars to know BS when we hear it, so we tend to stop the professor in mid-sentence and say something like “Poppycock.” Some professors just can’t handle the truth.

Other professors, of course, are quite happy to have students who are willing to sign up for morning classes, sit in the front rows, listen intently, contribute insightfully, and stay awake during the entire class.

We also like the Adopt-A-Senior program some of the universities have. It’s the pairing of an auditing geezer with an undergraduate student. If you’re a single geezer it’s a great way to meet studs and babes – and their single mothers and fathers – or widowed grandmothers and grandfathers.

One drawback to senior citizen auditing is attendance, particularly if the class meets three times a week. You know, we still enjoy our golf and bridge dates. And, as they say, all school and no play makes for a dull geezer. (Was that said by some 17th century French poet?).

I think geezer auditing will continue because the schools themselves like having us around. They think we have short memories and perhaps the last thing we’ll remember is that college that offered a great course, so why not leave them all our money? From the geezer side, donating to the schools may not be such a bad idea. It could help us pass the Pearly Gates entrance exam.

The healthcare insurance company’s chief lobbyist smiled. “Welcome to the tour of our hall of scary masks and costumes. For spreading the fear of healthcare reform they can’t be beat.”

“Here’s the alien mask,” the lobbyist said. “We have our guy put this one on, walk the streets and shout, ‘I’m a Canadian. I had to wait all day to see a doctor. Help me!’ Canadians didn’t used to be that scary, but these days that mask is a winner.

“Then there’s the Mexicano outfit. It’s really just a big sombrero and mustache. Our guy wearing that outfit doesn’t even have to say anything. He just hangs around outside hospital emergency rooms. If the media’s around we put three or four of our people there. Then we’re pretty sure the evening news will run a story about how the illegal aliens are using up our healthcare system. It’s good for a scare in the border states.”

“Next is our wooden African mask. We put this on where right-wingers gather – like boat shows. The person wearing it just has to say “Obamacare’ and the people there are so scared they start calling their concierge doctors on the spot.”

“Then we have our ‘The Government’s gonna’ get you’ series of masks.

“The gas mask is our latest addition. Our man wearing the mask walks up to people at senior citizen centers and gives them a thumbs up or thumbs down. Then he says ‘Healthcare reform. You live! You die!’ Seniors get so scared we have to hand out boxes of adult diapers.

“Another great mask to use with the senior citizens is this gorilla mask. Our man goes to golf courses where seniors play, jumps up and down and beats his chest. Then he growls, ‘Healthcare reform. Hand over your medical care! Gimme your health coverage!’ Then he rips up sheets of paper labeled ‘Senior Medical Coverage’. When seniors see this one, they hop in their golf carts and burn rubber.

“If that doesn’t work we dress up our man with a pirate outfit – hat, eye patch, beard, and clothes. He stands outside restaurants that offer early-bird specials and says, ‘Healthcare reform. Off with your weight, you fat geezer, or it’s off with your head! Aaaaargh.’ That one really cuts down the buffet line.

“For the security freaks, we have this black mask. We have one of our women wear it outside of buildings with doctor’s offices. She just stands there reading a big red folder labeled ‘Confidential Medical Records.’ It’s a good scare for people who care about privacy.

“If all else fails, we go for the pocket book.

“We have our guy put on this zombie mask with the dried blood. He stands outside town hall meetings and moans, ‘The cost of healthcare reform is sucking me dry. Owwwww! It hurts!’ Tying high cost to healthcare reform always gets the crowd whipped into a good zombie-like mob.

“Fear is the key,” concluded the lobbyist. “When people are afraid, there’s no discussion and no compromise. Just like we learned last time we won – scare people, kill the debate, and healthcare reform goes down. Then we can go back to healthcare insurers deciding what health care our customers can get.”

“But suppose healthcare reform gets enacted?” I ask.

“Don’t even want to think about it,” answered the lobbyist. “Losing our juicy profits scares me to death.”

Scammers use the phone to separate senior citizens from their money.

How can you tell if the person on the other end of the line is trying to scam you? Listen for these tell tale statements.

“Did you get the winning lottery check we sent you?”

“I can help you get back all the money you lost in the stock market.”

“I’m from the fraud department of your credit card company. We need you to confirm your credit card number.”

“I have two bidders for your timeshare.”

“I work for the IRS. We have a tax refund for you. I need your social security number to be sure we’re sending the check to the right person.”

“This is a one-time offer. You have to make up your mind right now.”

“The minute we receive the cash, we’ll send you the product.”

“Great news! There’s been a change in the Medicare prescription plan. We need your personal information so we can lower your drug costs.”

“I’m with the security company hired by your bank. You account number was stolen. To clear this up we need you to verify your bank account number.”

“Congratulations. You’ve won a free round trip to Mexico for two.”

When you even suspect a scammer is on the other end of the phone, simply say and do one of the following.

“My hemorrhoids are acting up. Gotta go. Bye.” Hang up.

“I lost it all to Madoff. Good bye.” Hang up.

“Can’t talk. The Feds have this line tapped.” Hang up.

“Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Can you hear me? I can’t hear you. I can’t hear you.” Hang up.

“My heart’s palpitating. Must have air.” Hang up.

“Does your mother know what you do for a living?” Hang up.

“Young man, I’m a doctor. And I can tell from the sound of your voice that you have syphilis. You should get help, soon.” Hang up.

“You talk too fast for me. Bye.” Hang up.

“I was born before they had social security numbers.” Hang up.

“I don’t know where my check book is. I’ll call you back when I find it.” Hang up.

If a phone scammer calls back, skip directly to the hang up part.

If you want to cut down on normal telemarketing calls, here’s the link to the National Do Not Call Registry. Of course, scammers simply ignore this Registry.

And if you have your own favorite scammer lines or response, please share them.

Nudity has been used for sales since the snake used a naked Eve to get Adam to take a bite of that apple.

This fact led me to wonder: How do advertisers use nudity when they’re selling to seniors?

Let’s consider the over-50 male.

There are ads that show men over 50 with an exposed chest. But the emphasis will be on his tight abs and six-pack as he is exercising on high-tech equipment. Any clothing he is wearing will be tight fitting to show off his rippling muscles and rock-solid legs. Or he might be shown running a marathon, climbing Mt. Everest, or swimming across the icy Atlantic while towing a barge. The implied message is “If you want this body, buy what I’m selling.”

If there’s a woman over 50 in an ad, the focus will usually be on the face – alluring, dazzling, and perfectly lit.

To give the “I’m a mature woman” signal, she will have grey hair or, better yet, grey highlights. The message is, “If you want your face to remain as smooth as a baby’s bottom, buy what I’m selling.”

Once the ads start showing an older woman below the chin, you can be sure she will have perky, gravity-defying breasts and tight-fitting clothes. She will be lying flat on her back lifting large weights with her firm legs, playing a smashing game of tennis, or twisting into yoga positions as if her bones were made of rubber.

It is these faux 35-year old bodies that pass for acceptable nudity in advertising for older adults.

For most geezers, of course, when we look at our naked bodies in the mirror (not that we do that too often) we see (if we stop to put on our glasses) wrinkles, skin which is in a losing battle with gravity, a bit of thickness in places we don’t want it to be, and the bumps, bruises, and scars of still being alive. In real life, this is called “normal aging.”

I say let the advertisers show normal aging geezers.

If advertisers were willing to show normal mature nude bodies think of the benefits they could achieve.

• Baby boomers will say, “Oh, my God. Is that what I’m going to look like?” and buy any product, diet, or exercise plan being sold.
• For older people who are shocked by the reality of it, the plastic surgery business will boom.
• For those senior men and women turned on by the nudity, sales of all bedroom and sex-related products will grow.

The closest any advertiser has come to actually showing nude older people (in the U.S., that is) was a car manufacturer that showed nude balloonists (waist up, anyway). I thought it was funny without being demeaning.

Maybe that ad is a small door opening to the acceptance of normal senior citizen nudity. I know we’ll have broken the barrier when there’s a geezer production of “Hair” and no one runs out of the theatre.

The 30-second Honda commercial, which shows real senior males, from the waist up, for about 3 seconds, is below.

©2009 GeezerGuff.com

“Retail isn’t an entirely untried idea in health care. In Texas, Medical City Dallas has been mingling retail on its hospital campus for 30 years and currently has 21 tenants that include a bank, dry cleaners and barbecue stand.” See PDF link. 

We geezers only visit hospitals if we need them.  Like for those minor surgeries where an old joint is replaced with a Terminator-like titanium part.  Or, God forbid, when we need one of the majors – you know, anything associated with the word biopsy or exploratory.  On the positive side, we might also hang around a hospital to see a new grandchild.  In general, though, we’d rather just do hospital drive bys.

 
Well, some hospitals have a different idea.  They want to create a hospital mall, or hospi-mall, that senior citizens can visit for fun!

To accomplish this, all the stores will have to be hospitalized.

Take your normal mall bookstore.  It has one medical reference section.  But a hospital mall bookstore could have an entire shelf devoted to coughs – their identification (the dry, the barking, the whooping) and treatment (honey-flavored sugar drops, cherry syrup, bourbon).  It would have medical best-sellers like What to Read While Waiting All Night in the Emergency Room. And sections on rare diseases that have no movie star willing to testify for them.

Its magazine racks would be filled with publications devoted to medical specialties. Surgery Illustrated would be popular with seniors who usually sleep during their surgery and want to see what went on inside their bodies.  Once a year the magazine would publish its Scrubs issue with male and female nurses wearing Spandex scrubs while in naughty poses in the surgery suite.

Hospi-mall restaurants would also have to be unique. The fast food restaurant, called Chicken-in-the-Pox, would have a drive-up wheelchair window.

The sit-down restaurant – Blandy’s – would have crisp, white tablecloths and colorful, non-allergenic plastic flowers.  Your dinner would begin with diabetic lettuce – half an iceberg lettuce with no dressing.  For your main course, salt-free, mercury-free, fat-free fish with a sort-of-white sauce. On the side, pureed vegetables of not-quite orange color.  And for dessert, colorless, flourless, sugarless, tasteless cake.

Of course, the chef would offer nightly specials such as Mumpy Meatballs.  Named after a childhood disease only senior citizens remember, this dish will present meatballs swollen to a size guaranteed to make chewing and swallowing painful.

There will be a call button at each table to get the waiter’s attention. You will have to press it at least three times and cry out in pain before the waiter responds.

And what would a hospi-mall be without its own bar?  Have your prescription drugs served in a cocktail glass with tonic water and a maraschino cherry.  Your hits of oxygen would be “the pure stuff,” not cut down with city air. Or you could take a little ether in the Talk Like A Duck room.

Specialty drinks would include the Intern Special – triple caffeinated black coffee with a double shot of No-Doze.  Or Dr. Z’s special sleeper – ground sleeping pills in a double decaffeinated hot milk.  And for the tea drinkers, Heavenly Hemlock, guaranteed to put you to sleep for a long, long, long time.

What about entertainment at the hospital mall?  Live operations, naturally.  You would sit in surgery suite bleachers, and as the sedated patient is rolled in, cheerleaders would lead you in shouting “Cut! Stat! Cut! Stat!”

There could also be evening poetry readings by hospital patients:

“Filled with barium.
 Bending my knees.
 Feel like a cork
 On New Year’s eve.”

Or why not turn the hospital hallways, often so quiet at night, into race tracks. The nurse’s station could become a betting parlor for wheelchair or walker races. “Speedman wins by a wheel. Oh, his sugar drip bag dropped off. Disqualified!”

Naturally, the hospi-mall would have a retail store to sell medical-related goods. Silver-plated bedpans suitable for serving chips and dips, super stethoscopes to be used for spying on the room next door, and plastic water pitchers in all the colors of the rainbow.
 
Next to the retail store would be an upscale clothing store.  Geezers could buy floral gowns with no backs for playing patient, white lab coats for playing doctor, candy stripe short skirts for playing around, and of course, spandex scrubs. (“As seen in the Surgery Illustrated Scrubs issue.”)

©2009 GeezerGuff.com

Times have caught up with the movie – at least in Japan. See this article in the Japan Times. There, people over 65 are now committing more crimes. They tend to be petty crimes, but crimes nevertheless.

In case you’re planning on becoming an elderly criminal keep these key points in mind:

1. People expect their criminals to be young. So consider wearing a wig. Brown or brunette will do. Men, shave your white beards.

2. Avoid crimes that require weapons. The idea is to add excitement to your life – not get killed.

3. People will expect you to steal food so you can eat – so don’t. Steal the unusual – things like placemats, oil filters, or scented candles. Of course, you can’t eat these items, but maybe you can trade them for food on Craigslist.

4. Do not plan on using your electric scooter as the getaway vehicle. Even elderly bank guards will be able to catch you.

5. Plan to commit your crime early in the day. Crime is hard work and you want to be sure you can get to your early bird dinner on time.

6. Committing a crime will probably cause heart palpitations. Make sure your artificial heart battery is fully charged before carrying out the felony. While you’re at it, also use fresh batteries in your hearing aid. You want to be able to hear the cops when they read you your Miranda rights.

These are just a few ideas for beginning your new life of elderly crime. But as a disclaimer I must warn you that crime does not pay. So if you get caught, don’t blame me.

For a Bizarro Comic take on senior crime, click here.

©2009 GeezerGuff.com