When I say “smoothie” I expect a cold blended mix of orange, pineapple, and banana. But now a “smoothie” can also refer to a cold young man who’s shaved the hair off his chest. All the hair, from below his stubbly beard to the top of his black bikini spandex underwear.

Why? They say it’s to attract the young babes who, they tell us, have a penchant for running their hands over hairless bodies. In the geezer’s younger days he remembers ads showing a Swedish blonde running her hands over a hairless face, saying, “Shave it off. All off.” And shave I did, waiting for that Swedish blonde to open the bathroom door and run her hands over my clean-shaven, but pimple-ridden face. Sad to say, she never did come through that door.

Another reason these boys are going bare-chested is to show off all that muscle and ab development. I guess if you’ve spent six months in the gym building a six-pack, you don’t want it hidden under a dark forest of hair.

All this chest shaving will result in changing the song “Hair” to “Bare.” Sing along, you old hippies:

Gimme a chest with no hair. Smooth, beautiful, bare.
Shining, shimmering, glistening, nipply, ripply
Chop it off down to there, bare!
Neck to you know where, bare!
Here shear it, there shave it, everywhere smoothy, smoothy
Bare!

In the great tradition of wild animals, we geezers do not shave our chests.

Think of a hairless animal and you think of the Spinx, a hairless cat. Doesn’t he look strange with all that baggy saggy skin exposed? Which is exactly what a male geezer chest would look like if exposed..

What kind of chests do you think female geezers want to see? Ones with sleek lines? Rippling muscles? Taut skin? Well, maybe they do. But only on their sons. On their geezer husbands and lovers they want to see the rolling plumage that only a hairy chest can provide

And let’s not forget the hands of our ladies that sometimes travel over that plumage. Those paths are much smoother to travel when paved with a fine layer of soft hair.

Which reminds me of another benefit of chest hair – insulation. If you live in the cold, chest hair provides an extra layer of protection. A place to hold little pockets of warm air against the winter wind. In the summer, as we seniors doggie paddle around the pool, chest hair not only insulates, but helps us stay afloat.

Aside from the practical nature of chest hair, there are also the aesthetic considerations. Chest shavers will point to smooth and marbled Greek statues as their idols. But geezers are not Greek statues. We are more like wild beasts. We think of the great ape, jumping up and down while beating his hairy chest. We think of the tall, fuzzy bear, rubbing his furry back against the tree. We think of the Abominable Snowman in his hairy suit waving at the camera. These are our chest hair role models.

If senior men wanted to be current and fashionable, they could show off their chest hair by coloring it. A streak of purple against a white haired chest to demonstrate our passion for life. A red streak to show our warrior like tendencies. And a blue stripe to display our support for clean air. Rows of rainbow-colored chests lining the beaches of South Florida would certainly brighten up the coastline.

So forget shaving off your chest hair my fellow geezer gentlemen. Leave the smooth chests to the young men. And the young women and Swedish blondes. I say, if he’s bare, beware. As that old hippie song should go,

Gimme a chest with hair. Thick, smooth, and all there.

Here’s the situation: Your geezer dad or mom has a new attractive 30-something love interest. You can see your inheritance flying off to St. Tropez. Here are a few things you can do to be sure your name remains in the will with some dollar signs next to it.

Hire a hit man. Craigslist is not the place to find a hit man, but a sleazy bar in the low-end part of town should serve the purpose.
Advantage: An experienced hit man will eliminate the dating partner with no muss or fuss. You will comfort your grieving parent and you’re back in the picture.
Disadvantage: The hit man will rat you out to the police (or be the police) and the only thing you will inherit is a very big cell mate named Bubba who is looking for a long-term prison relationship.

Make friends with the lover. Walk their dog, wash their car, pick up their dry cleaning. Take him or her to the theater and dinner at a fine restaurant at which you present a watch that looks expensive or small diamond bauble
Advantage: They may actually come to like your act and tell your parent to “think kindly” of you when changing the will.
Disadvantage: You fall for the love interest, thereby going into competition with your parent. You will lose your parent, lose your inheritance, and eventually, the lover will find someone with bigger baubles.

Kowtow to your parent. Be the loving son or daughter you were meant to be. Phone. Visit. Smile. Always say “Please,” and “Thank you” in a pleasant tone of voice.
Advantage: Your elderly parent will fall for it hook, line, and sinker, and will think you’re becoming a mature adult. Soon they’ll be calling their lawyer and you’ll be back in the will.
Disadvantage: You will scrape your knees groveling and your lips may freeze in a smiling position. But remember, in the end you’ll have enough of an inheritance to find your own younger love interest. Then your kids can kowtow to you.

Step right up ladies and gentlemen! Introducing our Go-Go-Gene Finder – the crystal ball of the future. The see all, tell all, be all that unravels the secrets of the coding in your genes. Sure, it can tell you about your ancestry. But what you geezers really want to know about is your future health.

Bones prone to osteoporosis? Breast or prostate cancer cells hiding in your body? Alzheimer’s amassing to attack your brain? We sure hope not. But why not check it out using our second generation handy dandy Go-Go Gene Finder. Don’t be fooled! This is not one of those genetic home test kits which are regulated by the FDA. And because we’re unregulated we can predict not only disease, but depression, hair loss, sagging skin, and propensity for gassy releases.

Trust us, there’s research aplenty for our Go-Go Gene Finder tests. For example, we had genetic testing done on Chinese political prisoners and found that 100% of them with genes for depression in fact got very depressed.

We’re so sure our Go-Go Gene Finder will help you we’ll guarantee the results. If our DNA test predicts a disease or condition and you die of some other disease or condition, we will cheerfully refund your money upon your presentation of a certified death certificate.

How is the test done? You simply provide a drop of blood, a bit of spit, a lock of hair, or the tip of your left pinky finger. Simply use our prepaid mailer to send the sample to our test lab.

Our labs are pretty much clean except for some occasional rat droppings that are well below established city standards. The labs are swept almost daily be an experienced crew of illegal aliens who can’t read English, thus ensuring privacy of your test results.

The staff that does the testing has graduated from or is currently enrolled in the local community college, which has a top-ranked hospitality industry program. Staff members have majored in or thought about majoring in a science or have taken at least one science-related course in which they got at least a C minus. When conducting tests, they wear clean, near-white lab coats and goggles. The goggles have very few scratches.

Testing is done by playing heavy metal music to your cells which causes the chromosomes to dance out. The testers then use country music to entice the genes out of your chromosomes. They put your genes under our patented gene-reading microscopes built in Chinese prisons (mostly by non-depressed prisoners). Our distributor claims they are “like new.”

Our secret software, written by very clever 16-year old Russians hackers, identifies the mutations that cause certain diseases and conditions. Red, green, and blue lights flash when different types of mutations are found. Sometimes the lab looks like a Vegas casino!

Punch cards are then printed out for each of your potential diseases and conditions. Our staff collects the punch cards, runs them through a vintage punch card reader and out spits your results.

Your results are given a secret code and entered in our secure computer database where they are reviewed by one of our senior scientists, who actually graduated a 4-year college with a degree in biology or a subject related to biology, such as basketball.

The next day you will receive an email with your special code. You log into our secure site, enter your special code, and, if the server is not down, will be transferred to our special legal disclaimer portion of the site. After reading and electronically agreeing to this 24-page document, you will be taken to your results.

We use lots of pie charts, bar charts, and pretty colors to show you which diseases and conditions your DNA testing has revealed you are prone to. As you review your results you’ll be excited by a sense of discovery – and the freedom discovery provides. For example, if testing reveals you don’t have the mutated gene for alcoholism, you can go out and get drunk. If you do find a gene mutation that predicts some dreaded disease, you can quickly buy some life insurance.

Or, you can print out our good-looking charts and graphs and show them to your doctor. Then ask him or her what you should do. They’ll be more than happy to tell you.

So down with the unknown – unlock the secrets in your genes. Begin your journey of discovery by calling our toll free number at 1-BAD-DNATEST.

Having spent our youth polluting the earth by preparing red-dyed Jell-O and washing our V-8 Chevys with garden hoses, we geezers now want to change our ways. It’s time to go green!

We want to be environmentally correct so when we are lowered into the brown dirt, the sky above us will be blue. So below are a few modest proposals for how geezers can contribute to a greener earth.

Let’s begin by lowering our consumption of food so less energy can be spent on farming. To do this, grocery stores should charge seniors higher prices to encourage less eating. A piece of fruit for breakfast, two carrots for lunch, and tofu and beans for dinner should be plenty.

If you, you fatty, must have more food, buy smart. When you’re at the supermarket, tear off only the leaves you need from those heads of lettuce – one a day should be fine. Bring a large bowl and pour only the breakfast cereal you’ll need for the week. Leave the package on the shelf for some other environmentally conscious green geezer to use.

If you must cook, forget the gas and electric ranges which suck up energy. Haven’t you heard of candle cooking? Put your pot on top of a few burning candles. As your food cooks, the air can be filled with the sweet smell of jasmine. You food may take a bit longer to cook, but eventually it will get done. Who knows, maybe you’ll lose your appetite by the time your food is ready. In which case, be sure to dump the food into your compost heap.

Naturally you’ll have a compost heap for your organic garden. Then you can grow your own vegetables – or let the vegetables go to the bugs, birds, coyotes, or bears in your neighborhood. Animals need to eat too.

As you know, making electricity burns up a lot of oil. So we geezers must “think green” and lead the way in electrical savings. Of course, you’ll want to replace your old Edison-type light bulbs. They went out with the 20th century. But let’s take it a step further. Since our eyesight is not what it used to be, let’s just keep our lights off. Since you don’t want to fall and break a hip by walking around in the dark at night, just sit quietly.

But don’t watch TV, which uses more electricity. Instead use one of those emergency radios with a hand crank.

Lowering our carbon footprint is another way to contribute to an environmentally-sound world. One way we senior citizens can do this is by breathing less, thus putting less carbon dioxide in the air. Practice with small, short breaths, taking in less and less air. Don’t move around too much as this requires more oxygen intake. You can take a few extra breaths when you’re cranking the emergency radio.

Water conservation is also where geezers can do their part. Wash cycles use a lot of water. Consolidate your wash loads, mixing colored and white clothes. Let the colors run! We lose our ability to see colors when we get older anyway. And if you’re sitting in the dark who can see your clothes?

Pets offer green opportunities. Since many seniors are retired, they have time to train their cats and dogs to use the toilet. No poop littering the streets or cat litter cluttering the garbage. Give it a try!

Sometimes we geezers have to think out of the box about caring for the environment. For example, how can you go green with sex?

Two in a shower saves water. When the action moves to the bedroom (after all, slipping in the shower can be harmful to your bones), remember to shut the water off. In winter, your lovemaking can heat up your bed like a 20th century light bulb, which means the thermostat can be lowered.

Finally, even in death we can go green. Crematoriums use electricity, so forget them. Just have your family throw you in the compost heap. You’ll be returning to the food chain. But for those of you who insist on being buried, consider a cardboard coffin – it’s biodegradable.

Now be creative. Think up some other environmentally-friendly tips as you sit quietly in the dark, eating your tofu and beans, and cranking your radio.

In anticipation of April 15, I am providing the following advice to geezers who are preparing their own IRS Form 1040. The following advice may or may not comply with the real IRS rules and regulations. So if you cite any information provided below during your audit, you’ll probably be going to jail, which may solve any tax problems you have.

Dependents. If you are a senior citizen and claim a child under 18 as a dependent, your return will be given extra scrutiny. Send along a sperm sample and a color photo of your trophy wife, preferably in a low cut blouse, to avoid this problem.

Loans to Family Members. Loans to family members should be listed under “non-business bad debt.” Include signed loan documents and emails begging the relative to pay you back. The IRS won’t allow your deduction, but it will provide them with a good laugh. They have families too, you know.

Family support. On the other hand, if your children are draining every last dollar of your savings to send their own kids to expensive private schools, the IRS may allow a very small “pity” deduction.

Education Credits. The IRS will not take kindly to seniors claiming education credits if your course load includes “Store Greetings,” “Burger Flipping,” or “Security Gate Guarding.”

Charity deductions. You cannot take a charity deduction for the tax money you contributed to governmental corporate bailouts.

Las Vegas/Atlantic City/Indian Casino Rule. All gambling winnings are considered ill-gotten gains and will be taxed at 90% regardless of your income. Don’t lie. The IRS checks casino videotapes.

Marriage. Speaking of sin, IRS rules generally favor senior citizens who stay single and just shack up. One of you can rent a motel room when the kids come. Do not try to deduct the room rental as ‘living expenses.”

Neatness. The IRS doesn’t want any trouble from the machines that scan your taxes. If your 5s look like 6s, the machine will have trouble. If the machine has trouble it signals an IRS employee who pulls your return and gives it the “troublemaker” review.

Line 32, Itemized Deductions. Check the “Gimme a break” box if you’re trying to itemize golf equipment used for “health purposes,” “miracle healing hormone treatments,” or any travel expenses in and around Branson, MO.

Form 1040, Line 99. If you have died during the year, be sure to check the box on line 99 labeled “Leave me alone. I’m dead.”

At first I thought it was my eyes. You know, spots that become bugs, which then become an army of ants marching across your vision. But no, it was not early onset glaucoma. It was the march of the asterisks.*

Asterisks probably began as poor cousins to the footnote. The dignified footnote required a raised number, author, page, publisher, and sometimes little Latin words such as Ovum and Ibid. An asterisk just said, “See below,” plain and simple. But asterisks served a purpose in drawing your attention to some small bit of information that you needed to know. Such as the study the author just cited was based on 5 people living in Elbonia.

But the subdued asterisk has now become a hidden enemy. The little asterisk on top now leads to text that redefines whatever it was that you read in the first place.

It started with the senior discounts. A hotel brochure shouting Special Senior Price on top had an asterisk that led to a smaller asterisk on the back of the brochure. Here the asterisk revealed that the discount was only good on Monday through Thursday, unless the Monday was an odd number. A second asterisk note said that senior amenities did not include shampoo or towels but did include one plastic cup. Wrapping not included.

After this discovery, I began noticing more and more of the little star-like creatures. The drug price listing screamed “Seniors! $4 drugs! But then there was the asterisk. I followed it to the bottom, where in small type it told me that the $4 drug price did not apply to pills packaged in foil, pills I might want to cut in half, pills taken twice a day, red pills, pills that wanted to be red, and pink pills posing as red pills – in fact any pill that was not white, round, and generic.

Next, I turned to restaurant coupons. First off, it seems to me the coupons themselves are now getting smaller along with the type size used on them. And right beside the price on those small coupons with the small type I found a small asterisk. It said that the second meal, which was “free,” not only had to be of a lesser value than the first meal ordered, but that meals with meat, chicken or anything green were excluded. And that if a doggie bag was provided for either of the meals, the price of the bag would be added to the total food bill. Drinks, of course, not included.

The movie theater senior discount also looked promising until I read the asterisk note. The $5 off price for seniors was available only for the first two rows at the noon showing. And you had to sign a release for any neck injuries you might get.

Being an experienced asterisk reader, I immediately noticed one on the cruise booklet right next to the words Senior Cabin Special. It led to the last page where the asterisk note stated that the cabin was on the lowest ship level, opposite the engine room entrance. On the plus side, the room did come with a twin bed and mattress. Sheets, of course, not included.

*If you’re stopping to read this asterisk, you must be a geezer!

My eyes are drawn to the word “free” like peanut to butter. But this article is not about free. It’s about free’s distant cousin, discount. Well, it’s actually discount’s older brother, senior discount.

When I first became a geezer, I began noticing the words “senior discount.” Of course, I wasn’t interested. “I’m not really a senior, I’ll pay full price; it’s only fair,” I thought.

Then one evening I was standing in line at the movie theater and realized that the ticket prices were up five dollars since the last time I went to the movies. (OK, so I haven’t been to the movies in a while.) When I got to the cashier she looked at my bald head and grey hair and said, “Do you want the senior discount? $5 off.” “Hmmm,” I thought, that’s worth half a small popcorn. “I’ll take it,” I said.

Right there and then my attitude toward senior discounts became, “I’ve lived this long, now gimme my reward.” To tell the truth, I’m really not that greedy, but let’s face it, I’ve spent a lot of years paying taxes for Senatorial travel junkets, bailed out banks, and swine odor research – now it was time for a little payback.

  

I turned my senior discount attention to the grocery store. Clipping coupons and using my “Super Special Customer” card were the previously preferred methods of getting a discount on groceries. Now I noticed the small sign behind the customer service desk offering a Super Special Senior Discount card. One dollar back for every 20 dollars spent. A few minutes and Driver’s License with proof of age later, I had my own grocery senior discount card. I whistled my way though the aisles filling my shopping basket with goodies. I probably spent a few extra dollars – but I got my discount.

Next, I moved on to senior travel discounts. I’m retired. I can fly any time day or night – Airline senior discount. Hotel rooms empty? I can fill ‘em for days at a time because I don’t have to be back at work – Hotel senior discount. Travel to less desirable, more dangerous destinations – I’m talking Costa Rica, Switzerland, Liechtenstein – international senior discount. And if I can get a pack of senior citizens to travel together? Tour bus sized senior travel discounts all around.

  
Onward and upward to the world of culture, I thought. The Natural History museum was my first stop. Dinosaurs have old bones and geezers have old bones, so discounted membership seemed quite appropriate. I felt myself getting a little cocky walking through the museum with my Senior Membership card. I looked around at the families with young children. “Been there, done that – and now I’ve got my reward,” I thought, puffing my chest out like a cave man in a diorama.

  

The restaurant senior discount was a little trickier. I couldn’t decide if I should take the 10% senior discount or use the discount on the coupon the restaurant puts in the glossy section of the Sunday newspaper. I assumed the coupon was put there for geezers in the first place since we’re the only ones who still read newspapers. To determine if the senior discount or coupon was worth more I simply went up to the cash register with my bill. The female cashier winked and gave me a double discount. Of course, she was a senior!

Now that I’ve gotten the senior discount fever, I want more.

How about a discount where it really counts – at the surgeon’s. After all, without the elderly, where would heart surgeons be? In empty operating rooms, that’s where. So they should be giving us a better a Medicare senior discount when we need our bypasses or a few new valves.

And speaking of the government, couldn’t we get stamps for a little less? After all, geezers are about the only ones still using snail mail. Shouldn’t the government reward us for our years of loyalty?

But remember, you’re not going to automatically get a discount because you have grey hair. You must learn to ask for it. So as soon as you hit 50, learn to say, “Is there a discount for seniors?” You may think you shouldn’t get it because of your youthful charm. Get over it and take the senior discount. It’s free.

There was a time, which is now, when there were seven words you absolutely could not say in any medium, except cable TV. To those must be added five more words, which have been banned from all media, advertising, and even cable TV.

I am being allowed to use them here only because I have received written permission from the FCC.

Without further ado, the five words are “senior,” “old,” “aging,” “elderly,” and “mature.”

Elderly. Good riddance to this word since no one ever used it anyway. Even when there actually were old people, this word was not used. It always had the word “infirmed” attached. So if you were elderly, you were in a wheelchair or had a cane. It was supposed to be used in a kindly fashion, such as “Johnny, give up your seat for this elderly man,” but when Johnny got up, the elderly man, who didn’t want to be thought of as elderly, refused to sit in the seat, leading to a lot of ticked off people who had to stand while a seat went empty, resulting in the association of crotchety with elderly, thus giving the word an even worse connotation than when it started. So, in fact, elderly, was the first of our five words to go.

Old. Nobody ever wants to be old. Old means stepping on the ice flow with the Walrus. Kukukachoo. Old meant being shipped off to homes with the word “old” in it so you could die. Old meant “not young.” So the word “old” was simply banned from the language unless you could use it to modify something non-human like “old school,” “old building,” “old collectible” (which then became “vintage collectible”) Did you know that the book “Old Yellow” was renamed “Golden Aged Doggie?” Old still can be used in sentences, but only those that refer to the young such as “How old is that brat?”

Senior. At one time this was a fine word indicating someone was 65 and eligible for Social Security. Then the retirement age changed to 66. So who was a senior now? Then movies needed more viewers, so senior discount tickets moved down to 62. Then supermarkets wanted to create a loyal base of senior customers, so the senior discount program began at age 60. Then restaurants wanted to attract more patrons so eligible ages for senior meals began to drop, resulting in 55 year olds being able to order bland turkey and saltless soggy green beans. Then the AARP said you could join at 50 to get those hotel discounts. Because senior is now anywhere from 50 to whatever depending on the discount you qualify for, it no longer has meaning and is banned.

Mature. This term still has some good uses when referring to Snappers [Ages 13 to 30 -- See What's a Geezer, Anyway for details.]. When they get that high school degree, when they finish college, when grad school is over – whenever any of these events occurs AND the Snapper gets a job, they are said to be mature. Of course, if they pick some bum or slut to marry, they lose this mature designation. After they divorce them and get stuck with alimony or raising a child on their own, they again become “mature.” But this term is not to be used with anyone, married or single, over the age of 40. Because in that case mature indicates wrinkles, sagging boobs and bellies, and hair growing out of facial orifices. Male actors avoid this “mature” designation by being sure their leading ladies are about 21 and a sex scene is included. Female actors who are considered “mature” just don’t work, unless they can play the hip mother of a teenager.

Aging. This word is banned because humans no longer age. You’ve heard “Sixty is the new thirty.” Ninety will be “the new thirty redux.” By continuing this 30 year cycle we will never have to be 35. Aging can also be avoided by munching multivitamins, injecting Botox, pumping iron, popping Viagra, and squeezing into leather jeans. And any other activity that lets you deny bodily changes. “Aging,” however, can still be used when referring to beef.

So, remember, any time you want to use one of these offensive five words, simply substitute the term “active adult.”

We geezers want to keep our minds active. But just adding up our golf scores and planning vacations doesn’t cut it. “Beginners Bridge” is fine, but some of us want some real meat to chew on (if our dentures can handle it, metaphorically speaking). We’re talking about attending undergraduate classes at the local colleges. Especially the ones within easy Dial-A-Ride distance from those senior communities that advertised “close to college.”

We’re not concerned with matriculation – in fact, we still don’t know what that means. We don’t want an advanced degree. We just want to sit in on regular college courses and take notes in an old-fashioned spiral notebook, or computer notebook if the grandkid will lend it to us. So what college subjects are popular with senior citizens?

Religion – particularly classes that have to do with God. We’re getting closer to him or her now so we’d like to have all the facts possible. You know, a Pearly Gates cram course.

History. What the heck was that Peloponnesian war about anyway? Hey, where is Peloponnesia? Is a bus tour available? Or how about learning details about some of the little wars we only memorized the dates of like the French-Indian war. Who were the good guys? The French or the Indians?

Literature. We now have the time to reflect on the language, style, and metaphors of the great poets. Why do good fences build good neighbors anyway? If I tried to build a fence, the first thing my neighbor would do is send his lawyer out with a Platt map. Maybe the French 17th century poets would be easier. Was this poetry inspired by fighting with the Indians?

Science. When we went to school an atom had a nucleus, electron and proton. Period. Apparently, over time, the atom has grown. So we want to know what all that other stuff is and how it got here. And it might be nice to know how it’s going to help us live longer and healthier.

Some colleges, however, report intimidation of students and teachers because some senior citizens who audit classes believe they know more than the professors. Well, there are some subjects we know a thing or two about.

American History? Vietnam combat. Been there, done that. Vietnam protests. Been there, done that also. And geezers can provide insight into little known historical events – like sitting in a line waiting for gas or paying 22% interest. And we know world history too, because we’ve been on tour buses with local guides who have provided the minutest detail about every rock the bus passes. We even have the pictures to prove it.

Psychology? They especially don’t like us auditing child psych classes. We’ve raised our children and spoiled our grandchildren. We could be guest speakers except we spend too much time in class laughing at what the professor says.

The most intimidated professors are the ones who love to spew their opinions as facts. Geezers have bought and sold enough used cars to know BS when we hear it, so we tend to stop the professor in mid-sentence and say something like “Poppycock.” Some professors just can’t handle the truth.

Other professors, of course, are quite happy to have students who are willing to sign up for morning classes, sit in the front rows, listen intently, contribute insightfully, and stay awake during the entire class.

We also like the Adopt-A-Senior program some of the universities have. It’s the pairing of an auditing geezer with an undergraduate student. If you’re a single geezer it’s a great way to meet studs and babes – and their single mothers and fathers – or widowed grandmothers and grandfathers.

One drawback to senior citizen auditing is attendance, particularly if the class meets three times a week. You know, we still enjoy our golf and bridge dates. And, as they say, all school and no play makes for a dull geezer. (Was that said by some 17th century French poet?).

I think geezer auditing will continue because the schools themselves like having us around. They think we have short memories and perhaps the last thing we’ll remember is that college that offered a great course, so why not leave them all our money? From the geezer side, donating to the schools may not be such a bad idea. It could help us pass the Pearly Gates entrance exam.

The healthcare insurance company’s chief lobbyist smiled. “Welcome to the tour of our hall of scary masks and costumes. For spreading the fear of healthcare reform they can’t be beat.”

“Here’s the alien mask,” the lobbyist said. “We have our guy put this one on, walk the streets and shout, ‘I’m a Canadian. I had to wait all day to see a doctor. Help me!’ Canadians didn’t used to be that scary, but these days that mask is a winner.

“Then there’s the Mexicano outfit. It’s really just a big sombrero and mustache. Our guy wearing that outfit doesn’t even have to say anything. He just hangs around outside hospital emergency rooms. If the media’s around we put three or four of our people there. Then we’re pretty sure the evening news will run a story about how the illegal aliens are using up our healthcare system. It’s good for a scare in the border states.”

“Next is our wooden African mask. We put this on where right-wingers gather – like boat shows. The person wearing it just has to say “Obamacare’ and the people there are so scared they start calling their concierge doctors on the spot.”

“Then we have our ‘The Government’s gonna’ get you’ series of masks.

“The gas mask is our latest addition. Our man wearing the mask walks up to people at senior citizen centers and gives them a thumbs up or thumbs down. Then he says ‘Healthcare reform. You live! You die!’ Seniors get so scared we have to hand out boxes of adult diapers.

“Another great mask to use with the senior citizens is this gorilla mask. Our man goes to golf courses where seniors play, jumps up and down and beats his chest. Then he growls, ‘Healthcare reform. Hand over your medical care! Gimme your health coverage!’ Then he rips up sheets of paper labeled ‘Senior Medical Coverage’. When seniors see this one, they hop in their golf carts and burn rubber.

“If that doesn’t work we dress up our man with a pirate outfit – hat, eye patch, beard, and clothes. He stands outside restaurants that offer early-bird specials and says, ‘Healthcare reform. Off with your weight, you fat geezer, or it’s off with your head! Aaaaargh.’ That one really cuts down the buffet line.

“For the security freaks, we have this black mask. We have one of our women wear it outside of buildings with doctor’s offices. She just stands there reading a big red folder labeled ‘Confidential Medical Records.’ It’s a good scare for people who care about privacy.

“If all else fails, we go for the pocket book.

“We have our guy put on this zombie mask with the dried blood. He stands outside town hall meetings and moans, ‘The cost of healthcare reform is sucking me dry. Owwwww! It hurts!’ Tying high cost to healthcare reform always gets the crowd whipped into a good zombie-like mob.

“Fear is the key,” concluded the lobbyist. “When people are afraid, there’s no discussion and no compromise. Just like we learned last time we won – scare people, kill the debate, and healthcare reform goes down. Then we can go back to healthcare insurers deciding what health care our customers can get.”

“But suppose healthcare reform gets enacted?” I ask.

“Don’t even want to think about it,” answered the lobbyist. “Losing our juicy profits scares me to death.”