FunnyCrave

Let’s Terrify Small Children For Christmas

Dan Seitz — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:51:57 +0000

You know what?

Other countries have way more fun on Christmas. Seriously. The Japanese dress up like trees and scare small children, the Europeans have Krampus who accompanies Santa and eats bad children and just spanks the naughty ones, and we’ve got the occasional lump of coal.

You know what? No. Absolutely not. Children need to learn, early and often, that the world is a cold, dangerous place and that people take joy and laughter in your pain. Especially since screaming children are inherently hilarious. We have a few suggestions for Christmas boogeymen that might fit in best with our Christmas traditions.

The Kardashians: The Kardashians erupt from the toilet and immediately start belittling your children to cover up their own insecurities and mental problems. Followed by their handmaiden, Bruce Jenner the Androgynous.

The Jersey Shore Whiners: If the children aren’t good, instead of carolers, they’ll have to listen to a group of snobs gripe about how “Jersey Shore” is reducing our culture and who just won’t shut up about it.

The Abuse Animals: Every Christmas, Reddit’s advice animals take over the television for the naughty boys and girls and permanently scar their minds. Foul Bachelorette Frog tells you what it’s really like to be single, little girls! Condescending Fox laughs at your tears, which are inflicted on you by Guilt-Giving Good Dog! Finally, Scumbag Steve steals your TV and Horrifying Houseguest uses it as a toilet after eating all your candy.

Jerry Sandusky: “And if you’re not good, children, he’ll put you in his sack. The first of many sack-related activities Creepy Jerry will be doing to you. So shape up and fly right.”

Nickelback: We know you’re wondering why Nickelback rates worse than child molestation. The answer is you can put a child molester in jail, but Nickelback continues to abuse our Constitutional right to free speech.

Which is why we’re making a wish-list to Santa Claus that involves nuking Canada. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Wait, Breaking Bad Wasn’t Nominated For a Golden Globe? How Else Am I Going To Have My Opinion Validated

Luis Prada — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 22:05:07 +0000

No. NO! I refuse to believe it. I can’t believe that the Golden Globe academy of voters, or whoever they are, didn’t nominate Breaking Bad for Best Television Series – Drama! I mean, it’s like, if they don’t nominate it, then how am I supposed to feel like everything I like is right in the eyes of a faceless, shadowy organization that might be a myth on par with the Illuminati? How can I live with myself if this random collection of presumably very old people isn’t as hip and with it as I am? Does that mean I’m not as hip and with it as I think I am?

There was this one time when I wanted to buy some pants, right? So, like, I wanted the pants, but then I was trying them on and I walked out of the dressing room while wearing the pants and some guy with muscles and a hat on backwards (so kewl!) called me a “cocksucking faggot.” So did his friends. All six of them.

I didn’t buy the pants. Why would I? I’m not a cocksucking faggot, and clearly those pants were for people that are homosexuals that prefer to spend their time performing suction upon male genitalia. I’m just not that kind of guy.

As of today, I still don’t own pants for fear of cocksucking faggotry.

The same goes with my favorite TV shows. If I like a show and no one else does, then why bother liking it? And if such an esteemed organization like the whoever-the-hell-votes-for-the-shows-and-movies-during-the-Golden-Globes doesn’t like a show I like, well, then, maybe that show wasn’t very good to begin with? Maybe all this time I’ve spent professing my undying love for Breaking Bad to everyone I meet has been wasted? What do I do, emotionally? Kill myself, I guess.

I guess I have to stop watching Breaking Bad.

But, hey, American Horror Story is nominated for Best Drama, and that show is still in the middle of its first season.

Maybe if I start liking that show people will start liking me?

Matrix-Style Brain Downloads Of Knowledge Are Almost A Real Thing

David Dietle — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 18:04:22 +0000

Scientists have finally started working on some cool advances in brain-magic. Sure, I have recently written about robots that control your limbs and DARPA’s new mind control helmets, but this is… okay, more of the same, kind of. This one, however, is about learning things with the same effort as installing Google Chrome. Some have drawn a parallel between this and some movie that people apparently saw, but allow me to be somewhat original.

Imagine you have a world where, let’s say, machines have driven mankind underground, and they are using a bunch of them as batteries. Got it? Okay. Now, let’s say that occasionally the people in suspended animation as batteries wake up, and are plugged back in to this “Matrix”, where they can now act like super-heroes. Once inside, they can just upload lessons into their brains. This is what I am talking about: Scientists have apparently developed a new technology that allows them to implant lessons into people’s brains, so they can learn, for instance, kung-fu, just by installing it.

Someone should make a movie like that. I suggest calling it “Kung-fu: Installing the legend, For Dummies.” Maybe starring Samuel L. Jackson and a block of wood.

The best part is that the scientists have found that they can implant these lessons without the “student” even knowing it is happening. Think about that — you could teach people without them even being aware of it. Sure, it’s scary to think that crazy anti-abortionists could use it to make people blow up hospitals, or our free will could be flushed down the toilet by bible thumping sociopaths from the midwest.

On the other hand, if we’re abusing technology here, there is significantly less harm in, say, convincing my wife to get rid of every shirt that isn’t a V-neck and every bra that isn’t a push-up. I’m not condoning it, I’m simply suggesting that if it’s going to be used improperly, it should be used improperly properly. There are idealists, however, that suggest this could be useful in helping people relearn how to use damaged limbs, or possibly even help people with learning disabilities learn at an accelerated pace.

Maybe it can teach people to see unicorns, too. Come on folks, the internet can teach classrooms about Egypt and allow scholars quickly disseminate information to their peers, but most of it is dedicated to Call of Duty and women being used as pincushions and semen sponges; there’s money in this folks, is what I’m getting at.

And if anyone is interested in my sci-fi movie idea, I suggest hiring the guys who did Speedracer. They did a movie about the mafia and lesbians, which I think it could use.

Dear Fundamentalists: Stop Being So Butthurt

Dan Seitz — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 18:26:54 +0000

We want to take a moment here to sort out “fundamentalists” from “Christians”. Christians are people who believe you should be nice to everybody and respect their decisions, even if they don’t personally approve of them. Most of America is, technically, Christian, but if you’re not Christian, they don’t care.

Then there are fundamentalists, who call themselves Christian, but lack the reading comprehension to understand certain key points in the Bible, like doing unto others, loving thy neighbor and this whole “Jesus doesn’t want you to be rich” thing. They consist almost entirely of middle and upper-middle-class white people, and with that comes, apparently, the biggest victim complex in the entire world. To hear them talk, they’re right there up on the cross with Jesus.

In reality, they’re whiners. And that whining has, lately, been hitting new ridiculous heights. To the point where they complain about the lyrics of a hymn being “changed”, when they weren’t.

At issue was the version of “May the Circle Be Unbroken”, a hymn Irrational Games used as the soundtrack for their latest “Shoot People In the Face And Also POLITICS!” extravaganza, “Bioshock Infinite”. A trailer came out and the chorus didn’t have “Lord” in it! CENSORSHIP! ANTI-CHRISTIAN PROPAGANDA! POP CULTURE PERVERTING OUR FAITH! BBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAWWWWW!

Then, of course, somebody actually bothered to look it up and realized that the common version of the song we know now was written in 1935. The game is set in 1912, when the hymn had completely different lyrics. Whoops!

This would be funnier if it didn’t happen every frickin’ day. Literally, not a day goes by that a person doesn’t do something fairly inconspicuous, only for some fundamentalist to see it and freak the hell out about how it’s a personal attack on their religion and oh how oppressed they are and blah blah blah.

You know what? If you read the Bible closely, Jesus actually dealt with this. It’s right after the Sermon on the Mount:

“And lo, Christ was approached by a Roman man, who had heard the sermon, and the Roman sayeth unto him ‘Why must thou oppress me by speaking of things I do not agree with?’ To which our Lord responded, ‘Why does my language oppress thee? Take this gift of maturity, and feel oppressed no more.’ And lo, did the scales fall from the Roman’s eyes and he found the teachings of our Lord to be something he could ignore.

Then, as he was wandering away, a pile of excrement most foul fell and crushed the Roman. Sayeth the Lord, ‘As ye spout dung, so shall ye reap.’ And the Son said ‘Come on, Dad, we talked about this. You said you’d do it my way.’

Sayeth the Lord, ‘I know. But my way is funnier. Leave this out of the book, Luke.’”

FYI: Ice Cube Appreciates Good Architecture

Luis Prada — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 21:19:03 +0000

As a big N.W.A., and a fan of Ice Cube as well, I am shocked – SHOCKED! — to discover that Ice Cube didn’t only attended the school of hard knocks. He also attended the Phoenix Institute of Technology in 1987 and studied architectural drafting. Ice Cube, the man that once opined on the simplistic beauty of a day in which he did not required the use of his AK, has a deep appreciation for buildings.

Ice Cube suggests you to check yo self before you wreck yo self, and then, post-checking yo self and ensuring you have not yet wrecked yo self, check out that really nice structure over there. Particularly, Ice Cube wants you to appreciate the Eames building in L.A.

Graduate School: An FAQ For Morons

Dan Seitz — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 19:16:40 +0000

I write this the day before I take my capstone examination for my master’s degree in film. This will be the culmination of five years and roughly a Lexus’ worth of money to obtain a graduate degree. Five long years of toil, working on student productions, working temp jobs, eating Ramen, and stumbling onto a much more financially and emotionally rewarding career that my degree is absolutely pointless in; you know, just like the equally useless undergraduate degree in theater.

Nonetheless, departing graduate school is a time of change and loss. Eagerly anticipated loss, actually. Because now I don’t have to deal with ignorant idiots anymore. Seriously, the amount of idiocy I deal with is staggering.

So, as a public service to graduate students everywhere, I’ve assembled a brief FAQ for the morons who don’t seem to comprehend what a graduate education is.

“Why are my tax dollars paying for your education?”

Actually, as a general rule, they’re not paying for graduate students. Graduate students instead live using a novel economic model called “slavery”. Either they work for the institution providing them the graduate degree for virtually nothing, or they work crappy temp jobs, since getting an actual permanent job is out of the question, that regularly fire them at short notice for financial reasons. Both involve eating a lot of Ramen, selling your bodily fluids, as well as living through the intense, sometimes grotesque, side effects of selling your body for scientific research in exchange for enough cash to purchase more Ramen.

“Why don’t you study something useful?”

Invariably the person asking this question has a high school diploma, never even thought about going to college, and likes to whine about being overtaxed while collecting government benefits of some form.

“I’m sure that’ll make you a lot of money?”

I enjoy these the most. Especially the days when I was looking for a job, taking any side gigs I could find, always keeping a roof over my head, some corporate peon was always happy to see that and weigh in with a little joke about how all graduate students are shiftless bums.

Then they wonder why artists always depict corporate peons as smug ignorant douchebags.

Of course, inevitably, these losers apply for law school. Really, guy? Another lawyer? What’s you’re contribution to the flooded world of lawyer-ing going to be? Are you going to to be the Christopher Columbus of law? Are you going to discover a whole new branch of society that previously hasn’t been defiled by bloodthirsty sharks?

Why don’t you study something useful?

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iOS5 Newstand: Magazine Subscriptions And Free Apps (not really)

David Dietle — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 17:53:42 +0000

I am among the many no doubt millions of people who threw away the shackles of the old iPhone operating system for the new, shiny iOS5 and man is it OS-y. A major reason I installed it was to see what this Siri thing was all about… Oops there, she only works on the iPhone 4S. Oh, and the “backup” I had to do 3 times before the install actually happened, at 2 hours a pop because my goddamn computer is slow and ran out of storage halfway through… but that is another gripe for another day.

iOS5 also came with a new app: Newstand. It’s the digital version of that thing you look over when you are waiting in line and Kim Kardashian is thrusting various parts of her life in your face so you read it because it’s there and you’re bored. Do you care if Taylor Swift has a secret to flat abs? No, but reading it keeps you from acknowledging the geriatric in front of you is buying prunes, Depends and condoms.

So I decided to check it out because I was bored, and the iPhone has a pretty hefty library of free crap. I am a tech geek, so I immediately hunted down the one tech title they had. It had 1 and a half star. Hmm. I figured it must be a turd, but let’s give it a look anyway. It turns out, the people reviewing it actually thought the magazine was okay, except that the “free” app was just a way to read the subscription-only magazine. That was a bit shitty, so I moved on. How about Good Housekeeping? “That’s an old title, my wife reads magazines like that sometimes, maybe the free app will have something interesting” I thought.

Again, the free app had some crappy reviews. And, again, the “free” app is a useless piece of crap used only for viewing the subscription-only digital version of the magazine. With no free issue to test it out. Just pony up the, what, $20 a regular print subscription costs? No? Wait, you want $55 for it?

Here’s where logic breaks down. Let’s explore the difference between digital and “real” copies of magazines. If you want to make, say, 1000 copies of a print magazine, you need 1000 magazine’s worth of paper. Now, some of that may come from recycling because Go Earth and stuff, but we’re still chopping down trees for paper because recycling is a pain in the ass and it’s always easier to just kill something. Then there is the fact that you have to pay postage to send them out, there’s mailmen… The list of why magazines suck is endless.

But guess what it takes to produce 1000 digital copies? In this case, 1000 people to download it. With that kind of savings, the digital version should be way, way (way) less. You see, magazines do all of their layout and copy editing these days in, you guessed it, computers. So guess what they have before they go to real presses? That’s right kids, digital copies.

Now, no one in the multitude of reviews I read of Good Housekeeping suggested that they should have free, unfettered access to the magazine through the app that was advertised as being free, simply that they didn’t even get a single sample to give them an idea of what they were getting into. For 225% the cost of the print version. Sure, some people are on the magazine’s and Apple’s side, although they read suspiciously like someone who works for the aforementioned companies:

And really, is being a dick to potential customers a good business model? I am pretty sure the “f*ck you because we said so” method of working with paying customers failed as soon as people realized they had options. And with the number of free websites serving up free information for free, it’s a tough sell to get people to pay ridiculously inflated prices for what are basically imaginary magazines that cost nothing to copy.

To not sound like a dick myself, I was going to point out that I was able to use my new iOS5-provided iCloud to move those screenshots from my phone to my PC. Except I couldn’t, so I had to email them to myself. Look, Apple, Magazine people: Folks are pissed because you said they could have a magazine for free, and what you gave them was essentially an empty plastic bag and said “you can read it if you pay us.” The bait-and-switch got people killed in the old days; these days it just costs you customers, especially because some loudmouth on the internet is going to share it with everyone. For free.

Why, Yes, Media, Malia Obama is Going Through Puberty. How Perceptive Of You.

Dan Seitz — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 18:27:28 +0000

So, here’s a question: can a thirteen-year-old girl only tangentially in the media spotlight go through a growth spurt like a typical teenager and not have the media obsess over it?

Apparently not. Sorry, Malia. As in, Malia Obama.

But, hey, at least you get to serve as an example of how degraded and pointless our news media has become! Horray for profound levels of saddness!

Here is — and I wish this were a joke — the headline for an article that actually ran on ABC News:

Malia Obama, 13, Almost as Tall as the President

Oh, yeah, real hard-hitting journalism, right there! That’s really important! The rest of the article almost lives up to that standard of relevancy, explaining that — SURPRISE! — thirteen-year-olds are still growing children, and this is about the age that puberty kicks in! So we shouldn’t be surprised that she’s almost as tall as her parents, especially since both her parents are really tall!

What’s ridiculous about all this is, who exactly is this article explaining puberty to, again? Everybody reading ABCNews.com probably made it far enough in the educational system to see hormones kick in. This isn’t actually news, or even gossip, it’s just insulting.

And it gets worse, which is the sad thing. Witness Chelsea Clinton. If she were anybody else, a thirty-year-old woman with two master’s degrees doing puff pieces for NBC News would make all the mark of a BB gun fired at a destroyer. But because old people still hate her dad, Rush Limbaugh, a college dropout, threw a hissy fit about how unqualified she was. Or how about America being shocked — shocked! — that Dubya’s 19-year-old daughters were trying to buy beer with a fake ID? As much as we hate to agree with Katie Roiphe, who brings new meaning to the term “butthurt whiner”, she does have a point: teenagers do this stuff all the time.

So, FunnyCrave would like to take a pledge, here and now, to all current and future Presidential children: we promise not to make fun of you for being normal human beings, unlike, apparently, everyone else.

Your parents are still fair game.

Study Confirms That You Are Wasting Your Time On The Internet

Luis Prada — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 23:08:11 +0000

I don’t need no damned studies to let me know that most people aren’t doing anything constructive with their time when using the internet. All I have to do is look at FunnyCrave’s traffic numbers and know that many, many people waste their precious time reading and commenting on bullshit that I and my staff writers cobble together from trending news topics and our collective stockpile of stale dick jokes and poop references. But researchers gone ahead and have conducted such research anyway, so I might as well write an article about this trending news topic, and perhaps even sprinkle it with a nice coating of dick jokes and poop references.

The Pew Research Center’s Internet & American Life Project, an organization I will never type the name of and will always copy and paste when I need to put it in to an article, conducted a survey and found that 53% of 19 to 29 year-olds spend their time online doing nothing of importance. This, of course, can be attributed to the fact that whippersnappers don’t have an appreciation for the high-falutin techno flim-flammary they use on a daily basis.

This is opposed to the 12% of people over 65 that say they had been online the previous day for no reason, but they said that because they got confused and thought they were being asked if they had waited in a line for anything. Their answers reflect this, as most replied with “Yes, at the bank. And at the place where I buy my butterscotch candy.”

Overall, though, a majority of people that go online have no reason to be online, as almost 60% of adults said they occasionally used the internet to kill time and to be unproductive. The results tended to correspond with age, so the younger a respondent was, the more inclined they were to wasting time on the internet.

Seeing as the internet will be here for the rest of humanity’s days, I think it’s safe to say that as the younger generations get older, they, too, will be using the internet to waste time more and more. But the manner in which they choose to waste time will change. Today the whippersnappers dillydally on the Youtubes and the facebooks while Tweeting pictures of their danglers and hoo-has to each other. By the time today’s young folk are in their 50s and 60s, though, their internet habits will change from Youtubeing and Facebooking their hoo-has and danglers to WebMD’ing illnesses to make sure their whoo-has and danglers aren’t dying and Tweeting pictures of them to get everyone’s opinion.

“How’s my dangler looking? #doesthislookinfected??”

Carrier IQ Proves Cellphone Makers, Networks Are All Idiots

Dan Seitz — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 18:20:07 +0000

So, hey, yeah, in case you hadn’t heard, a lot of cell phone manufacturers and networks colluded to use Carrier IQ, which you can’t opt-out of, and deliberately collects literally everything it can, from your passwords and text messages to your location, and sends it over the Internet, unencrypted, to total strangers! Even if you opted out of sending this information elsewhere! Carrier IQ just pulls on its honey badger pants, kicks you in the junk, and takes that information anyway while whispering all the horrible sexual techniques your mom likes in your ear.

We’re sure that questions of why and how will be answered by the inevitable lawsuits and government investigations that will unfold as this whole mess falls apart, but we do want to ask, before the turds really start flying, one question of all involved:

Exactly how f***ing stupid were you to seriously think you could get away with this?

No, seriously. We want IQ tests, because you are incredibly stupid.

Let’s start with the most basic: hackers play with their phones. They do it all the time: they wipe OSes, they install new ones, they download them to their computers and pick them apart. And a lot of hackers just so happen to be rabid privacy freaks.

Seriously, did that never occur to you, that somebody might find this thing, realize what it does, and tell the entire Internet? What, did you think the hackers, which all hate you, weren’t going to come along, see this, and rat you out?

And did it ever strike you, once, that this was a bad idea when Verizon, of all people, said no? This is Verizon! They sold their customers’ rights to the FBI once! They don’t care about privacy and even they knew this was a ticking time bomb!

In short, you are f***ing stupid, and you’ll all probably go to jail, where a nice, upstanding citizen we’ve hired for the purpose will teach you about violation and its many different shades.

We know because we fired up a “Sodomize the Carrier Executives who Violated Your Privacy” Kickstarter. It’s over $100,000, and convicts are apparently willing to rape you for less than half a pack of cigarettes. Just something to think about.

Infographic About Casinos

Luis Prada — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:00:18 +0000

This infographic makes me wonder why I’m writing dick jokes for the internet. Why isn’t FunnyCrave a gambling site? If it were, I’d be typing this from a bungalow in Hawaii with a trained orangutang as my man-servant. His name would be Bobo, and he would fetch me martinis every time I snapped my fingers.

Via: CasinoTopLists.com

Only The Smartest Chimps Throw Their Poop

Luis Prada — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:49:24 +0000

We all rightfully view throwing your own poop as disgusting, primitive behavior. If a guy on the bus cops a squat in to his own hand and flings the resulting brown mess at someone you will be outraged and, in the heat of the moment, perhaps between those rare moments when you don’t have an angry fist pummeling this man’s face, you will say something to the effect of “what are you, a monkey?! You’re a huuuuu-maaaaan!”

We think this because, well, to hell with an erudite, scientific explanation – if you throw poop you’re stupid. It’s just that simple. We see the chimps at the zoo tossing poop and we think, “Of course that chimp is throwing poop! That chimp is an idiot.” We expect no less from chimps; throwing poop is the hallmark of idiocy.

According to some researchers at the National Primate Research Center, apparently, the chimps that throw their own poop – or throw anything, for that matter – are actually the most intelligent chimps. And thus, our entire concept of poop throwing has been flipped on its head and now its ass is pointed straight up in the air and is being used as a poop fountain; spraying chunks of intelligence all over unsuspecting tourists with cameras.

The researchers identified a number of chimps that enjoyed hurling objects and poop and then they gave them brain scans to monitor their brain activity and level of cognitive development. The scans showed increased activity in the motor cortex, as well as increased activity in the areas of the brain we humans use for speech. In other words, throwing objects, even poop, is a means of communication; of getting another chimp’s attention.

Before I read this entire article from Gizmodo, my theory for why the smartest chimps are the, for the lack of the better word, tossers, is because throwing is evolutionary; it’s an invention. As a species, one of the finest moments of innovation for humanity was the invention of the spear, or even further back than that, the rock. When we figured out weaponry, that was a big moment for us. And then, one day, one of our ancestors threw that weapon at something and that something died. That brilliant ancestor of ours had single handedly invented the fine art of getting shit done without having to move very much — an invention we have never once stopped perfecting, even to this day, and never will stop perfecting. Therefore, this ancestor was an inventor on par with Telsa and Franklin, and all he did was throw a thing at another thing.

As I read the rest of the article, my theory turned out to be in line with that of the researchers. Throwing, no matter what object or substance is being thrown, is a form of tool usage and is a big sign of intelligence.

The lesson we can take away from this is, if you see a chimp throwing its own poop, that chimp may one day be the very same chimp that bashes your skull in with a rock after it breaks in to your home during the Great Chimp Uprising of 2019. And if you see a human throwing their own feces, cut him or her some slack – they’re not very good at communicating, and that’s the only way they can get your attention.

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