Freddy in Space

Shirt Punch Fuses Together John Carpenter & Dr. Seuss ... Today Only!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 05:05:00 +0000

The clever mash-ups continue over at Shirt Punch, with today's t-shirt of the day featuring a pretty hilarious fusion of The Cat In The Hat's Thing 1 & 2 with John Carpenter's The Thing. It seems only right!

Get it today and today only over at ShirtPunch.com!

Family Guy Pays Tribute To Halloween 4!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 04:22:00 +0000

Though I don't watch Family Guy as much as I'd like to, I've always been a big fan of the show, particularly the way they oftentimes cleverly manage to work in obscure pop culture references. This week's episode of the show featured one of the more obscure and awesome references I've ever seen on there, one that only folks like us would pick up on and appreciate.

A major plotline of the episode was that Peter Griffin discovers that a local newscaster by the name of Tom Tucker was actually the man who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4, under the stage name George P. Wilbur (the real name of the guy who actually did play Myers is both Halloween 4 & 6). Being that he happens to be a big time fan of Halloween 4, Peter decides to manage Tucker and revitalize his acting career. The episode features a couple references to the film, including a clip from it. Enjoy the full episode by clicking the image below!

Coolest animated tribute to horror since South Park's HUMAN CENTiPAD episode? I think so!

Check Out The First Trailer For Holliston!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 05:53:00 +0000

Last week I made a lengthy post about all things Holliston, the upcoming Adam Green created horror sitcom hitting FEARnet this April. If you missed that one, CLICK HERE to learn all about the show and how you can make sure you get to see it!

Well, to add to that post, the official trailer for the show just hit the net, which shows us the first real footage from it that we've seen. In just 60 seconds, it features everything from Victor Crowley cutting off Green's head to two hot chicks making out, GWAR's Oderus Urungus showing full ass to Green blowing Joe Lynch's head up Scanners style. In other words, it's 60 seconds of pure awesomeness, a small snippet of the full awesomeness we're in store for come April 3rd. Dig on it below!

Don't forget to make the call (877-FEAR-247) and demand your cable provider carry FEARnet, if they don't already!!

11 Horror Movie Performances Worthy Of Oscar Nominations!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 19:24:00 +0000

With the 84th annual Academy Awards just over a week away, a lot of love is being spread around to the Hollywood stars and starlets who have received nominations this year. Tonight, I want to share some of that love with the actors & actresses who never get any real mainstream love for their work; the ones whose resumes mostly consist of horror films. It's no secret that horror movies get little respect in the world of cinema, and that is never more evident than it is at the Oscars, where very rarely do horror movies ever win accolades or even receive nominations (The Silence Of The Lambs being one of the rare notable exceptions). It's a damn shame, though it's not hard to figure out why an inspiring film about a kid moving on after his dad dies on 9/11 gets a nomination while something violent and confrontational like The Woman does not. Just the way it goes.

Tonight, I wanted to ramble on a bit about some of my favorite horror movie performances, all of which would receive Oscar nods in a perfect world, a world where horror gets as much respect as sappy drama. Keep in mind that this is by no means a comprehensive list of all the best performances in horror movies, it's just eleven that immediately come to mind for me as favorites. And they're not in any specific order. In fact, I haven't even compiled the list in advance, I'm just kinda gonna come up with it as I go along here writing this post. That's just how I roll.

On with the list. Feel free to add your picks to it in the comments section below!

BRUCE CAMPBELL - SEBASTIAN HAFF/ELVIS - BUBBA HO-TEP

Though a God among men as far as horror fans are concerned, Bruce Campbell has never exactly been revered for his acting talent. It's the utter coolness and subsequent sex appeal that 'The Chin' exudes from every pore that has made him such a pop culture icon. But as a man who is either a delusional Elvis fan or Elvis himself in Bubba Ho-Tep, Bruce shows that he's got some serious acting chops, as he delivers what is in my humble opinion the performance of his career. While most may say Ash was the role he was born to play, I'm more inclined to say that Bruce was born to play an old dude in an old folks home who may or may not be Elvis Aaron Presley. The role gave Campbell the ability to flex his comedic wit as well as a less often seen capacity to tug at the heartstrings of horror fans, and he does both better than I honestly could've ever expected him to. Just seems rather fitting that he excel as playing a godlike King, does it not? Hail to him, baby.

BILL MOSELEY - OTIS - THE DEVIL'S REJECTS

Ah, Bill Moseley. I've always considered his career to be a bit cursed, in a way. Moseley is one of the better actors working within the confines of the genre, and he's unfortunately never really gotten to show off his stuff in anything more mainstream. Or maybe he just doesn't want to. All I know is that the fact that he only really does horror films has hurt Moseley a bit, at least in terms of being an actor, because let's face it, there aren't that many well written characters out there for the taking at any given time in the world of horror. Most filmmakers just throw Moseley into their shitty movies because they want his name attached to it, which they know will draw in his fans. And Moseley always seems to be happy to oblige. While that's really cool on the one hand, it has on the other hand resulted in a supremely talented actor appearing in far too many terrible horror movies.

Though he's great in House Of 1000 Corpses, it wasn't until The Devil's Rejects that Moseley really got to shine as Otis, a dare I say loveable serial killer with a penchant for sleeping with dead chicks and cutting off dude's faces. Moseley delivers an absolute tour de force of depravity, eliciting feelings out of the audience that few big screen killers ever have, or perhaps even have any right to. Whether he's scaring the shit out of us by raping a chick with a gun, making us laugh with ice cream smeared on his nose or damn near making us cry when he realizes he and his family have reached the end of the road, Moseley is on top of his game in Rejects, turning a cold-hearted killer into a surprisingly likeable guy.

ANGELA BETTIS - MAY - MAY

The first time I saw May, I absolutely fell in love with Angela Bettis, a love that grows each and every time I go back and revisit the film. Bettis is another one of those genre actors that is underrated, never really breaking into the mainstream and lending her talents to a few too many movies she is far better than (*cough* Scar 3D *cough*). Bettis is one of the more precious and adorable actresses out there and she brings every bit of that cute appeal to her performance as May Dove Canady, a sort of Dr. Frankenstein-esque character that is as cute when she's cutting up and stitching people together as she is when she's trying to look cool while smoking a cigarette. May is one of my absolute favorite horror movies of all time, with my love for it largely a result of how perfectly Bettis captured the awkward chick who desperately wants the perfect companion. Love this character, so so much.

ROBERT ENGLUND - FREDDY KRUEGER - A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (ALL OF THEM)

It's possible that Robert Englund is single-handedly the man who ushered me into a lifelong love of horror cinema. Childhood exposure to the Elm Street films are some the earliest and best memories I have of the genre, and my love for that franchise is all thanks to the character of Freddy Krueger, brought to life by a man who unfortunately hasn't gotten all that many opportunities to really shine throughout his career. It may surprise some to find out that Englund is a classically trained actor, and it is in my opinion this schooling and talent behind the makeup and glove that has made Freddy Krueger such an icon in both the world of horror and popular culture at large. While horror villains generally just serve to quickly and quietly knock off teens, Englund's talents turned the writing on the page into one of the most charismatic and entertaining movie characters of all time, single-handedly building both the franchise and New Line Cinema, the studio that put out the movies. Without the strength of his performance in the first Elm Street, it's unlikely that the film ever would've spawned any sequels. For that, we are all forever indebted to the man.

If ya ask me, Englund has never really gotten the credit he deserves for what he created with Freddy. Sure, us horror fans love and appreciate him endlessly, but what he did in those seven films is worthy of a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Oscars, as far as I'm concerned. Dude deserves more than a Scream Award, that's all I'm saying.

ROBERT SHAW - SAM QUINT - JAWS

It's hard to imagine that Robert Shaw was not the first choice to play Quint in Spielberg's finned epic. In fact, it wasn't until Sterling Hayden ran into some tax troubles that Shaw was even brought on board the Orca. Talk about happenstance! The reason this is such a surprise is because the way Shaw plays the part, it seems like it was tailor written for him and only him. Believe it or not I have actually never seen a single movie other than Jaws that Shaw has appeared in, which I'm really kinda thankful for. Why? Because he plays Quint with such conviction that I have always chosen to believe that the late Shaw was in fact that grizzled shark hunting character in real life too. Watching him play any character would tarnish that belief, so I think I'll go on believing this silliness. I truly believe Shaw was on the USS Indianapolis. And I truly believe he was an expert shark wrangler. That's the real mark of a strong performance, is it not?

MICHAEL PARKS - ABIN COOPER - RED STATE

The effectiveness of Kevin Smith's first horror film, Red State, largely rests on the shoulders of veteran actor Michael Parks. The longtime TV and film star has become a frequent collaborator with Quentin Tarantino & Robert Rodriguez in recent years, who have given him a career revival of sorts. Kevin Smith jumped on the Parks bandwagon with Red State, bringing him on board to play Abin Cooper, a batshit crazy homophobic pastor who leads his followers to kill in the name of Jesus Christ. Channeling the mad spirit of Charles Manson, Parks brings the pastor to life in terrifying fashion, delivering incredible monologues, dancing wildly and chillingly ordering the executions of anyone who opposes his extremist beliefs, with sheer and utter conviction every step of the way. My dad is a lifelong fan of Parks', always singing his praises, and after seeing Red State I finally fell in love with him for myself. Had the subject matter not been so grim and dark, I firmly believe that Parks would have received an Oscar nod for his performance. One need only watch his nearly 10 minute monologue early on in the movie to see what I'm talking about.

NATHAN BAESEL - LESLIE VERNON - BEHIND THE MASK : THE RISE OF LESLIE VERNON

Though I believe that Behind The Mask is appreciated by less people than it should be appreciated by, there's no questioning that there is a whole lot of love within the community for the movie. And if you ask any one of its uber fans what they love about it so much, they'll likely tell you that it is the character of Leslie Vernon that draws them to the movie, a seemingly normal dude who takes us behind the scenes to show us what it's truly like to be a horror movie killer. Brought to life by Nathan Baesel, who made his film debut in the movie, Vernon is one of the most charismatic and likeable guys in recent horror history, a fact that remains even when he's tearing teens apart with his trusty scythe. One minute he's making you laugh and the next he's making you realize he's not fucking around about this killing people business, all the while managing to make the girls want to date him and the guys want to go out and grab a beer with him. He's just so damn suave.

Behind The Mask is one of the most brilliant horror films in the last decade, deconstructing the genre in masterfully clever fashion, and it's the hugely entertaining performance of Baesel that a large amount of the film's success hinges on.

Did I ever mention that the prequel/sequel needs your help, or else it won't get made? Oh that's right, I already did 137 times in the past.

DIETER LASER - DR. HEITER - THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

This is another one of those performances that I totally buy on every level. Hell, after the first time I saw Human Centipede, I was pretty damn convinced that Dieter Laser and Dr. Heiter were actually one in the same. And I was quite frankly shocked to soon thereafter get this reply from Centipede star Ashley C. Williams when I asked her if Laser was that scary in real life; "He is the nicest man ever". Though the subject matter of the film could've easily been handled in a goofy and unrealistic fashion, it's the frightening conviction that Laser brings to the part that really puts the disturbing meter off the charts, turning a potentially humorous idea into a genuinely terrifying horror film. The curse of Laser's incredible performance is that I don't think I'll ever be able to watch any of his movies in the future and not think of him as the mad Dr. Heiter. And no matter how many people meet him and tell me he's really a nice dude, I will forever be afraid of him.

LINA LEANDERSSON - ELI - LET THE RIGHT ONE IN

I was fairly surprised when Let The Right One In as a whole didn't get nominated for an Oscar in the Best Foreign Film category. Major snub, if you're asking me. As far as the acting in the film goes, then 13 year old Leandersson's performance as the vampire Eli is totally Oscar worthy as well. Playing a child vampire is by no means an easy task, as you essentially have to come off as being innocent and young as well as old and wise, at the very same time. Though she had never appeared in anything prior to Let The Right One In, Leandersson impeccably portrayed the role, delivering a performance you'd expect from somebody much older and with a whole heck of a lot more experience. The scene where she tells her young human lover to "Be me", while blood is dripping from her head and body, is a particularly impressive moment that showcases the power she exudes in the role. Thankfully for Eli, Oskar is the only Oscar she needs. Awww, isn't that sweet?

JACK NICHOLSON - JACK TORRANCE - THE SHINING

OK so this pick is a bit different than most of the others, as Nicholson is obviously well respected in the mainstream for his acting talents. And though the Kubrick directed Shining is also well respected as more than just the typical 'horror film', your mind might be boggled to learn that Nicholson did not receive an Oscar nomination the year of its release for his iconic performance as Jack Torrance, a family man slowly driven mad by an ominous hotel. Nicholson's performance has all the strength of other performances that did earn him both Oscar nominations and wins, and what we have again there is simply a case of the Academy not wanting to recognize films where characters wield axes and try to kill their children. It's hard to imagine The Shining with anyone other than Nicholson slamming that axe through the bathroom door and I can't help but feel like a large degree of the power the film holds would've been lost if any of the original choices ended up playing the part (Robin Williams, Harrison Ford). Nicholson always brings a certain crazed quality to his roles, which is amped up to maximum levels of madness as Jack Torrance. Torrance's descent is totally believable and once he does finally snap, my god is Nicholson's performance terrifying. Him not being nominated for Best Actor for the performance is in my opinion one of the biggest Oscar snubs of all time.

DAVID HESS - KRUG STILLO - THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

The late David Hess is another guy that always genuinely scared me, before I ended up chatting with him and finding out that he was really a sweet guy behind all that cinematic rape and butchery. Hess made a career out of being a sleazy psychopath, a career which began in 1972 with The Last House On The Left. The creep factor of the film heavily relies on the fact that what we're watching feels so raw and real, and David Hess feels about as real as a cinematic killer could ever feel as Krug Stillo, the leader of a gang of murderous rapists. I remember in an interview Hess stated that after the movie came out, people were genuinely afraid of him, moving away from him when they saw him on the subway, and it's easy to see why. Had I not known any better, I'd still believe that Hess was as sleazy and as dangerous as the savage Krug. A true mark of a truly powerful performance.
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Again, feel free to leave comments with your thoughts on my picks and/or add your own personal picks to the mix. Let's get some discussion going here, folks!

Trailer Of The Week : The Aggression Scale

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 23:01:00 +0000

If ya think about it, Home Alone is nothing more than a family friendly home invasion flick. But what if that story of children fighting back against a home invasion were told through the mind of a horror filmmaker rather than through the mind of the late John Hughes? That's seemingly the question the film that I've chosen as my favorite trailer from last week is out to answer. Check out the first look at The Aggression Scale!

I know I've said this before, but one of my biggest fears is and has always been somebody breaking into my house. It's something I honestly think about nearly every night as I'm lying in bed, with the littlest of unfamiliar sounds generally jarring my ass out of bed and into the kitchen to grab the biggest knife I can find. I really don't know where this fear comes from, seeing as how I've never been the victim of anything of the sort, but the thought of somebody coming into my home with the intention of hurting me/my loved ones is just something that terrifies me more than anything else. I'm sure it'll never actually happen, considering I live in a pretty safe place, but I nevertheless think about it far too often. I guess I'm kinda crazy.

Anyways, it is likely because I have this fear that I'm such a huge fan of home invasion horror movies. They scare the crap out of me and seeing as how I like to be scared and disturbed, I'm strongly drawn towards movies like The Strangers & Funny Games. While I generally run away from my fears in real life, I like to tackle them head on through the safety of horror films, which kinda right there sums up why we love the genre so much, does it not? OK this post has taken a far too intellectual turn and my brain is hurting, so let's just get back to talking about Home Alone & The Aggression Scale!

Though it's hard to really get a good feel of the movie through this trailer, as there's no dialogue spoken in it, I gotta say I love the idea of a home invasion horror movie where the kids fight back against the invaders, setting up traps and protecting their homestead. There's more to the story than that, with a large sum of stolen money being the reason the two sides are at war, but I dig that general idea a whole lot. I also love the fact that this movie stars Derek Mears, who did an amazing job as Jason in the Friday The 13th remake. Really happy to see him get to act in this one outside of makeup and not hidden underneath a mask. Even though Mears is one of the sweetest and most kind hearted men in real life, there's no denying that he's a pretty scary dude when he wants to be. Daniel Stern aint got nothin' on him in that department!

The Aggression Scale will premiere at this year's SXSW Film Festival, taking place next month. Anchor Bay has already picked up the film for distribution, though no details have yet been announced regarding when those of us who can't attend SXSW will be able to see it.

I'll keep ya posted as I learn more!

Giveaway Time! Win The Human Centipede 2 UNCUT Blu-ray!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 22:23:00 +0000

In one of the most gloriously inappropriate release date tie-ins of all time, The Human Centipede 2 hit DVD & Blu-ray today ... Valentine's Day. 12 people stitched together asshole to mouth may not seem like the most romantic thing at first sight, especially when those twelve people are shitting each other's shit into each other's mouths, but if ya really think about it, the movie is at its core about a guy who's just trying to create inseparable bonds between complete strangers. I don't know about you, but that's pretty romantic to me.

I was sent a copy of the fully uncut Blu-ray release a couple weeks ago, for review purposes. Thing is, I already reviewed the movie after catching it On Demand a couple months back and I really didn't dig on it nearly as much as I did the first one. So rather than be selfish and keep the disc for myself, I've decided that in the loving spirit of Valentine's Day I'd instead give it away to one of you fine folks. I never got around to even taking the movie out of its packaging, so this baby is still freshly sealed. And again I reiterate, it is totally UNCUT, unlike the On Demand version I saw. Yay for even more depravity!

If you want to welcome some ass to mouth loving into your life this Valentine's Day, all you've gotta do to throw your hat in the race is leave a comment below with your e-mail address and your guess as to how many little pieces of candy hearts are in that there glass container above. The person closest to the actual number (and yes, I will actually count them!), takes home the Blu-ray. As for the candies, they will be force fed to my own personal centipede tonight, after I'm done counting them. Nothing says Valentine's like candy hearts being passed through three fused together GI tracts and then shit out the other end, am I right?!

Giveaway will run through the week, so you have until the clock strikes midnight this Sunday, the 26th, to get your comment in. Good luck and Happy Valentine's Day!

Fright Rags Limited Edition My Bloody Valentine Shirt - 24 Hours Only! Hurry Hurry!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 05:36:00 +0000

Though I was personally lobbying hardcore for them to put out a shirt in memory of that 2001 horror flick Valentine that Denise Richards was in, Fright Rags decided to instead honor the more loveable choice this Valentine's Day, by offering up a limited edition My Bloody Valentine t-shirt, available for the 14th of February 2012 and only the 14th of February 2012. Fair enough, that works too.

The design will be available as a men's shirt, a women's shirt or a hoodie, all of which you can dig on below!

**The red on the design is a lot more vibrant than it appears in these pictures. The color drained out of the red when I resized these for some reason. Shame on me and my terrible MS Paint skills**

The thing I like most about this shirt is that it serves as both a shirt for the original and the remake, both of which I personally love. Well played Fright Rags, well played.

Grab yours today and only today over at Fright Rags!

Walking Dead Awesomeness From Toy Fair 2012!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 04:30:00 +0000

I generally like to leave event coverage to the people/sites that were actually at any given event, but two Walking Dead related things seen at Toy Fair in NYC this past weekend came to my attention today that I simply cannot resist sharing. Toy Fair actually began Sunday and continues through this coming Wednesday, so expect more awesomeness to head our way in the coming days. What's the best place to go for coverage? Well, there are oodles of sites out there on the net covering the event, but I'll direct you over to my boy Paul's blog Idle Hands, where you can see tons of pictures and news coming out of Toy Fair, including looks at new Evil Dead toys & some new additions to the Living Dead Doll family (Chucky!!), as well as all kinds of other geeky plastic glory!

Now where were we? Oh right, Walking Dead. Last night's episode was pretty awesome, wasn't it? Oh wait, that's not what we're here to talk about. Right right, now I remember.

Check out two kickass upcoming Walking Dead products that I've already set aside money for!

First up, though Season 2 is only just over halfway through with, the packaging was already unveiled for the deluxe edition Blu-ray release, which will be hitting store shelves sometime later in the year. Feast your undead lovin' eyes on what is perhaps the coolest disc casing of all time!

Sculpted by McFarlane Toys, this piece is based on the 'RV Zombie' created by KNB EFX for Season 2. A pull of the screwdriver embedded into this guy's skull is what serves to open up the case. How's that for an awesome display piece?!

Above pictures courtesy of MTV Geek, who were given the exclusive on them.

McFarlane also announced that they will be adding to their Walking Dead action figure line later in the year, with a Season 2 wave consisting of a shaved head Shane, 'Well Zombie', 'RV Zombie', 'Bicycle Girl Zombie' & a new Rick Grimes, in street clothes. The figures themselves weren't unveiled, but look for them to hit stores come October.

The second item that really caught my eye was some sort of new game being released by Jakks Pacific, which looks to fuse Duck Hunt with zombies. Sounds good to me!

Though the official description of the item seems to suggest that you plug the plastic pump action shotgun into the TV and you're then somehow able to shoot zombies while watching The Walking Dead, I'm assuming plugging it in brings some kind of game up on the screen which allows you to roam around shooting video game renderings of the show's zombies. Really not 100% sure, but this looks pretty cool and innovative regardless. And I want it.

Remember, for more Toy Fair 2012 coverage, make Idle Hands your one stop shop!

The Walking Dead Returns Tonight!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 23:59:00 +0000

We made it, fellow Walking Dead fans. After nearly three full months spent without the show in our lives, the lumbering undead return to our television screens tonight, for the first of the final six episodes of Season 2. What's in store for the group now that their hopeful efforts of finding little Sophia alive and well have been completely blown to shit in grandly grotesque fashion? We find out tonight at 9/8c on AMC!

I wanted to do something special to celebrate the big return tonight and I found that special something in the form of a little makeup kit I stuffed into Jen's stocking on Christmas morning ...

What better way to celebrate the mid-season premiere of the show than by turning Jen into the iconic split jaw zombie that was seen in Season 1? No better way, says I. Thankfully, ever the good sport about me putting weird shit on her face for the sake of the blog, Jen obliged. So let's get to it, shall we?!

Though they're fun, these little cheapo kits are generally pretty shitty, never quite providing all the tools you really need in order to turn yourself or your friend into the image that's pictured on the packaging. This Walking Dead inspired one from Rubies is no exception. All the kit contains is a crummy little latex appliance and tubes of fake blood and facial adhesive. No face paint. Nothing to blend the seam between human skin and latex appliance.

As you'll see below, the sum of these half assed parts doesn't exactly result in the most realistic looking zombie.

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Thankfully, a guy like me always has dried up liquid latex and packets of 'scary skin' at his disposal. And a girl like Jen has plenty of makeup lying around. Both used in conjunction with this kit, with a little creativity throw into the mix, should be able to turn this mess into something mildly impressive, no?

Well, we worked together and did our best and we're both pretty happy with how things turned out, to the point that Jen is currently cooking dinner with the full makeup still all over her face. Mmmm, can't wait to find rubbery pieces of liquid latex in my chicken tonight.

Here's the end result; Jen as a super sexy half jaw'd zombie, ripped straight from the set of The Walking Dead! With a little more patience and a bottle of liquid latex that wasn't so dry and crusty this could've been a whole lot smoother looking, but I think it came out pretty cool all things considered!

Would you hit that? Cause I'd hit that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go enjoy the show with my little zombie by my side. If I can only convince her to leave it on for some post-show activities ...

Remember, 9/8c on AMC, DON'T MISS IT!!

Chronicle : It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's A Really Awesome Movie!!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 18:01:00 +0000

If there's two types of movies that have been done to death in the last couple years it's the found footage movie and the superhero movie, both of which many different filmmakers have attempted to subvert and inject new life into of late; some successfully, most others not so much. What Chronicle does is combine both of those tired concepts into one, delivering to us the world's first ever found footage superhero movie. And guess what? The fusion of the two results in one of the freshest and most exciting cinematic experiences in years (think X-Men meets Cloverfield), managing to be unique within the world of both found footage cinema as well as superhero cinema, a thoroughly entertaining and original ride every step of the way. It's almost like an origins prequel to a superhero movie we've never seen and it's pretty damn awesome, if you're asking me. Which I totally assume you are every time I write a review. Makes me feel good.

Chronicle is the story of three average everyday high schoolers from different social circles that end up encountering some kind of strange alien device, which they inherit superhuman telekinetic powers from. While they start off innocently enough, skipping rocks in the water with their minds and playing football at 30,000 feet in the air, the least 'popular' member of the group (Andrew) soon starts showing off his darker side, his new found abilities finally giving him power over those who walk all over him. Instead of shooting up the school like the bullied kids in real high schools across the country oftentimes resort to doing, Andrew realizes that he can get his comic book villain on and literally use his powers to destroy the entire town and everyone in it.

And that right there is the main idea of Chronicle. Rather than simply being a mindless action movie about high school kids with superpowers, the movie is at its core an exploration of both the effects of bullying as well as an examination of what different people do when handed immense amounts of power, some using it for good, others using it for evil. In that regard, Chronicle is the most interesting and original take on the superhero movie since Unbreakable, one that like that film is mostly grounded in reality (though obviously to a lesser extent, seeing as how Bruce Willis never took flight in that one). Filled out with characters we actually care about, and who feel totally real, this sense of realism is the main strong suit of the film, in my opinion.

That said, an equal strength of Max Landis' (son of John!) script is that Chronicle works not only as that dramatic exploration of the descent into madness of a good kid pushed to his breaking point, but also as the big out of control popcorn action movie that you might expect it to be nothing more than. Cars are hurled through the air, our teenage superheros are flying around like birds, and it's all enormously entertaining to watch, oftentimes jaw droppingly so. Landis' script is a nice balance of the fun and the dramatic, making this one smarter than your run of the mill superhero movie, successfully doing more than simply entertaining while at the time delivering superhuman levels of entertainment at all times. So it's got depth if ya want depth and mindless action if ya just want mindless action. I call that a win-win.

Now, let's talk about the found footage aspect a bit. Does the film need to be told in the found footage style? No, it probably doesn't. But that's the hot thing right now and the fact that it is told in that fashion is never bothersome, nor does the movie rely on the usual tropes of movies of the sort. If anything, the fact that it's found footage helps make the extraordinary events of the movie all the more extraordinary, given that what we're watching feels more real than it would if the movie were told in typical cinematic fashion. On top of that, Andrew creatively figures out a way to telekinetically suspend the camera in the air, so there's some serious innovation there that separates this one from the norm when it comes to movies made in this style, making it a heck of a lot more visually exciting and dynamic than just a kid walking around holding a camera. Besides, the movie is mostly about Andrew and his descent into madness, so it's only natural that we see the events from his point of view. So ya, no complaints about the whole found footage thing from me, even though it does work a whole lot better in the first half and they do kinda drop it altogether in the (EPIC) last 15 minutes and just show us the action as if we're watching a non found footage movie. None of it bothered me one bit, I was just enjoying the ride.

Chronicle is a totally wild and completely unique spectacle, one that I gotta say I kinda loved. Landis clearly loves superhero movies as much as his dad loves horror movies, and it's pretty evident that he has most definitely inherited a lot of daddy's talent. His unique and brilliant script combined with strong direction (by Josh Trank), oodles of incredible effects and solid performances from everyone involved make this one the first real exciting movie of 2012 and a definite shoe in for my end of the year list of favorites. It's like watching somebody else's wildest lucid dream play out and it's truly quite unlike anything I've ever seen before. Simply put, Chronicle's superpower is that it's really fuckin' good, a quick dose of fun that for once is totally worth every penny of your hard earned money. 'Nuff said. Go see it if you haven't yet.

I leave you with this incredible video of the amazing viral marketing that was used to promote the movie in New York City a couple weeks back, where remote control planes made to look like humans were flown around the city. Too cool.

Catching Up On Screeners : Method Man & A Dead Hooker

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 16:41:00 +0000

My ever growing screener pile is getting out of control and if I don't start banging these things out at a rapid pace, I'm gonna end up buried alive by DVD's. So today, with the day off of work and the house to myself, I decided to play catch up and watch two recent screeners; one which will be released on Valentine's Day (this coming Tuesday) and the other which came out last week. Abridged and to the point thoughts on both below!

OUT ON DVD FEBRUARY 14TH!

A mortician’s life is suddenly changed when a dead woman’s body comes into his morgue and stirs up memories of his past. While trying to pull himself together, he finds a young boy hiding in the morgue. The boy tells him that he's only there to say goodbye to his dead mother because he's on the run from his father, who wants him dead. Determined to help him, the mortician takes on the role of personal protector and will stop at nothing to end the cycle of abuse.

I guess the best thing I can say about this one is that it's a better movie than the movie it would appear to be; another bad horror flick starring a rapper. For one, The Mortician isn't a horror film so much as it is a gritty redemptive drama. And for two, it's not all that bad, at least not as bad as one would likely expect it to be. That said, it's ultimately fairly tough to sit through. What starts out as a film with a lot of promise quickly devolves into cliche and nauseatingly sentimental dreck. Blah.

The Mortician gets off to a very slow start, with the majority of the first 20 minutes or so focusing solely on a silent and rigid Method Man, going about his daily life as the titular character. Little dialogue is spoken and we mostly just get to be a fly on the morgue wall as the character cuts open bodies and, at night, taxidermies animals. He's a tortured character with some serious mother issues and the rapper surprisingly turns him into a fairly compelling character to watch. It was this initial introduction to the character that I found most redeeming about the movie. From the blues-y soundtrack to some pretty impressive cadaver effects and a gritty almost Combat Shock-esque depiction of a city run by drugs and violence, the opening to the film is highly watchable and engaging. From there, it's pretty much all downhill.

Once your run of the mill 'don't judge a book by its cover' gang banger joins the mix and the plot becomes more about Method Man saving a young boy from his big bad mean streets father than it is about him and his own problems, The Mortician essentially turns into a totally cliche movie with forced sentimental drama that evokes the spirit of the Hallmark Channel. Except maybe for the mortician himself, I personally didn't care for any of the characters in the movie, and I found my boy Meth's quest to save himself through saving a young boy to be quite dull and tiresome. Though my relationship with the movie started out as a pretty good one, I actually kind of ended up hating everything about it by the end of it. Again I say, blah.

Though a well lensed movie that ended up being more well made than I expected it to be, I'm gonna advise you to skip this wholly unremarkable film. It's watchable but it's not half as powerful as it thinks it is, and the fact remains that we've all seen it done and seen it done a whole lot better before. In my opinion, the story would've been a lot more effective as a short film that solely focused on the titular character, as it feels way too dragged out as a feature length experience.

But hey, at least we get a brief couple appearances from Edward Furlong!

OUT NOW ON DVD!

Four friends set out on an everyday errand and end up in a fight for their lives when they discover the body of a dead hooker in their trunk.

Even though it only just hit DVD last Tuesday, I still feel like me seeing and reviewing this one is an event that's at least a solid year late. Every other horror blogger on the net has seemingly already reviewed Dead Hooker in the distant past, as both theatrical screenings and screener copies have been out there for a while now. Hell, I've been sitting on a copy for over a year now, holding off on checking it out and spewing my thoughts until it was available for mass consumption. Now that it finally is, thanks to the folks at IFC Midnight, I excitedly set out to see for myself today what pretty much everyone I know and even folks like Eli Roth have been raving about for what seems like forever now. I literally have not stumbled upon a single person who has had anything negative to say about this movie, so my hopes were needless to say sky high.

Now the bad thing about serious hype like that is that it's hard for any movie to be as good as you might go into it expecting it to be, based on how much everyone around you seems to love and embrace it. I guess I'm in the minority here when I say that, for me, Dead Hooker In A Trunk didn't even come close to living up to the hype that has been surrounding it for the past year. If I'm being totally honest, I'm fairly baffled right about now as to why so many people have been raving about this movie for so long. The way it's been built up would lead one to believe that it's a fully polished kickass masterpiece, but the fact of the matter is that this Dead Hooker is quite an amateur piece of cinema, one that I found not half as enjoyable or entertaining as a movie bearing its title should by all means be. There aint nothing wrong with low budget and amateur, but when the story isn't good and the movie isn't fun to watch, those things really show. I found the movie to all around be quite dull and boring, spending most of its run-time checking the clock to see how much more I had to endure. Is it just me?

I guess I just didn't 'get' the movie and I'd really like for someone who truly loved it to comment below and let me know what they dig about it so much, because I'm really feeling like I missed something here. I don't know if it's just that people want to support indie DIY filmmakers like the Soska Sisters, which I'm totally all for, but to me I found nothing significant about this movie that could possibly have resulted in so many people falling so in love with it. I appreciate the fact that the Soska's wrote/directed/starred in the movie, doing it all on their own and all with very little money, and I'm all for hot chicks kicking ass and playing around with blood, but I just couldn't get into this thing at all.

Now if there's anything positive I have to say about the movie it's that there are a few impressively executed scenes of action and gore, which I guess is the main draw of the movie for most. Whether an eye is being knocked clean out of its socket, an arm is being chainsaw'd off or chicks are kicking dude's asses, it's all really well pulled off, especially given the budget. Unfortunately, these scenes of fun and ass kicking bloody awesomeness are few and far between not to mention brief when they do happen, far outweighed by boring sequences of poorly acted characters dropping F bombs and seemingly auditioning for a Tarantino film. Sorry, but lots of cursing and a couple scenes of cool action/violence do not a good movie make, least not for me.

While I do think it's awesome that Sylvia & Jen Soska made this thing all on their own, and have made a career now out of doing so, this is one movie that's bandwagon I just can't jump on. Color me disappointed, a disappointment that I have to attribute to too many people getting a little too excited about this one and heaping serious amounts of unwarranted praise onto it. I don't mean to hate on the Soska's or suggest that anyone is wrong for liking this one just cause I didn't, but I just have to be honest with my opinions.

Hate to say it, but I can't help but wonder if this movie would've gotten the same attention had it not been made by hot twins ...

Vintage Video Of The Week : Blood Spattered Bride/I Dismember Mama Double Feature Trailer!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 16:05:00 +0000

It's the 1970's and the art of the exploitation horror film is in full bloom. In an effort to bring audiences to theaters, filmmakers with little money and no access to movie stars cram as much hardcore violence and nudity into their films as possible, providing something for audiences that the big Hollywood films simply cannot. In addition to the material in the films themselves being as salacious as possible, clever marketing campaigns are also drawn up, oftentimes proclaiming that the films themselves are potentially harmful to those who watch them. There's no perhaps no greater example of this kind of over the top marketing than the trailer that was created back then to promote a double feature of the films Blood Spattered Bride & I Dismember Mama, a double feature whose purchase of a ticket included an 'Up Chuck Cup' to capture the meals that would surely spew forth from your belly upon enduring it!

Rather than merely cutting together footage from the two films, as the run of the mill trailer does, the folks who created this one instead decided to inter-cut small snippets of the movies into a mock news report, which was made to look like it was filmed after a showing of the double feature. The idea here was that a man literally went crazy just from watching the two movies back to back, and the faux news reporter is there to capture all the madness and interview the other patrons who saw it all go down. Proving that nothing sells horror like hippies with piss fetishes, psychopaths who giggle maniacally & abusive husbands, the trailer pretty much ensured that anybody who laid eyes on it would find themselves dropping their hard earned cash to see the double feature. How could you resist?!

So let's head back to the 70's and enjoy the most epic trailer of all time, the kind of marketing that you just don't see nowadays and probably never will again!

Help A Reader Out! RE: Identifying A Movie

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 15:31:00 +0000

Every once in a while I get an e-mail from a reader asking me for help identifying an old school horror movie that they can only remember minute details about, like kinda sorta what the cover art looked like or kinda sorta how one particular scene may or may not have played out. Sometimes, I can solve the mysteries myself. Other times, I cannot. Just got an e-mail the other day from a reader by the name of Michael M. and though I feel like I should know this one, I'm totally drawing all sorts of blanks about it. So I figured if anyone can help him out, it'd be you folks.

Read Mike's e-mail below and let me/him know if you know what movie he is trying to locate. Let's end this mystery together!!

For years now I have been trying to identify a horror movie based on its poster art and have had no such luck. I'm afraid all I have to go on is a description and a vague time frame of when it was probably from. It was sometime in 1980s, and I want to say most likely around the mid-80s. I used to see this movie at a rental store my family frequented when I was a kid. The image I remember is this: a woman's body is sprawled out (kind of similar to the woman on the STUDENT BODIES poster, but more flat on her back) atop the head of a giant toothbrush. The bristles looked like sharp, pointed teeth, and a couple of them may or may not have been impaling her body. I think we could also see one arm and one leg dangling loosely. I recall it just being that single image against a solid color background. I have no clue as to what the title was. I just remember seeing this box cover at the store often and it always scared the heck out of me. (I was probably no more than 9 years old, so this was long before I was into horror movies.) But now that I've since gotten into horror, I've been trying to identify this movie for years to try and track down a copy and see it out of curiosity.

I've always figured the movie was probably from the mid-80s to earlier, but I'm not entirely sure of the time frame since it's been so long. That's just what I can recall from memory. I realize it might not be much to go on. Heck, that could have just been the VHS box cover and the actual poster art was completely different. But I've looked all around the Internet and asked on some horror movie forums, even looked through websites collecting older horror movie posters, and have gotten nowhere. If you could help in identifying this movie, I'd really appreciate it.

Everything You Need To Know About : Holliston

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 22:50:00 +0000

By now you've probably heard a thing or two about Holliston, an upcoming television series being put out by FEARnet. But what exactly is Holliston, where and when can you see it & what's it about? Tonight I answer all those questions and other questions you didn't even know you wanted the answers to, as I fill you in on everything you need to know about what is looking to be one of the best things to happen to horror in 2012 ... HOLLISTON!

First thing's first. Before we even get into what the show is about, let's talk about how you can see it once it premieres on FEARnet come Tuesday, April 3rd. It may seem like I'm starting at the end here, but this is mucho importanto information and without knowing how you can go about catching the show, you'll likely end up missing it. So pay attention!

You probably know FEARnet, the website, but did you know that FEARnet is also a television station, as of just a couple years back? It is on this station, NOT ON THE WEBSITE, that Holliston will be airing starting April 3rd. It's all horror all the time over on FEARnet, a channel that devotes every time slot of its programming schedule to horror movies. Wondering why the hell you've never flipped past it on your TV? Well, the unfortunate thing is that not all that many cable providers carry the channel, and even the ones that do carry it require you to request it be added to your package.

Here's the most recent listing of the cable providers that do in fact carry FEARnet ...

- Verizon FiOS
- Comcast
- Time Warner Cable
- Cox Communications

From what I gather some other smaller providers do carry FEARnet On Demand, but these are the only ones I know of that carry the regular channel itself. Now the catch here is that even these providers don't all have the channel available in all outlets, so if you do watch TV through one of these companies, you're gonna have to give them a ring and see if they can add it to your television.

Now, what if your cable provider isn't listed up above? Well then, you're finding yourself in the same boat that I'm in right about now. My provider is Cablevision and they don't currently have FEARnet available, just as many providers around the country do not. So we're shit out of luck then, right? Well, not exactly.

Here's the part where we've gotta take action. We have to show our providers that we want FEARnet, or else they're never gonna give it to us. Simple as that. So what you've gotta do, if you find yourself hooked up with a provider that doesn't provide the goods, is pick up your phone and call the following number ...

877-FEAR-247

When you make this call, FEARnet will let you know whether or not their channel is available from your cable provider. If it is not, they will from there connect you directly to your provider, where it's then up to you to demand they carry the channel. No amount of begging or pleading is guaranteed to yield results, but the idea here is that if enough people call their providers demanding it, we'll soon start seeing FEARnet pop up in a lot more outlets, hopefully many before April comes around, so that the most amount of people possible can enjoy Holliston. So this is one of those times where we've all gotta rally together, because this is really all in our hands.

Now what happens if we don't stand up and demand the channel or if we can't get it added to our lineup even if we do? Well, then we're gonna have to wait till several months after Holliston premieres before we can check it out either online or on DVD/Blu-ray. I don't know about you but that bums me out, as does the fact that I currently don't have a channel I can flip on to watch horror movies whenever I damn well please.

So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call up FEARnet (877-FEAR-247) and DEMAND IT from your cable provider!! Go ahead, take a moment to do it right now and don't you dare read on until you do!

Alright, now that we're all caught up to speed on that whole ordeal, let's get into the show itself. First, a little rundown of what it's about and then we'll meet the cast of characters who will bring it to life.

Described as The Big Bang Theory meets Evil Dead 2 (or alternatively Wayne's World meets Saw), Holliston is the first ever horror sitcom, based on actual events in the life of Hatchet/Frozen director Adam Green. But Holliston didn't begin its life as the Holliston we're about to have unleashed upon us ...

Back in 2000, before he even made Hatchet, Green made a super low budget film called Coffee & Donuts. A romantic comedy about two friends trying to launch a radio station in their hometown of Holliston, Massachusetts (where Green was actually born), the movie was bought by Disney/Touchstone, who planned to turn it into a sitcom for UPN. Obviously, the UPN deal never panned out, so there Green was a solid decade later, never being able to deliver what was at the time called Coffee & Donuts to his fans, either in a sitcom or movie form (due to various issues, the movie never saw official release).

Enter FEARnet, hungry to provide their viewers with original content, outside of just showing other people's movies all the time. A deal is inked between Green and FEARnet, the show is re-tooled to gear it more towards the horror crowd and it's reborn as Holliston; the very first original series from the channel. Voila. Click the play button above to see a faux video of the show being pitched to FEARnet!

That backstory out of the way, here's what the show is about ...

Adam Green and fellow filmmaker/BFF Joe Lynch (director of Wrong Turn 2/Knights of Badassdom) essentially play themselves in the show, or rather the themselves that they'd perhaps be if they never attained their dreams of being filmmakers. They star as Adam & Joe, two small town guys with dreams of making their own horror flicks, struggling with day to day life working at a local cable access station, where at nights they host a show called 'The Movie Crypt'. In the words of Ariescope, Green's production company, "the two must face their own far fetched ambitions, cope with their troubled work life, and learn how to deal with the opposite sex during that awkward period of life when nothing is working out like it was supposed to."

Aside from Green & Lynch, the show will also star a couple other familiar faces. Let's meet them!

DEE SNIDER

Yep, that's Dee Snider, the man who played a huge part in Adam Green pursuing his dreams of making horror movies (in real life). Dee plays Lance Rockett, the guys' boss at the radio station. Contrary to Dee's real life persona, Rockett is a wannabee rockstar that never quite made it. No Twisted Sister here; Rockett is merely the cross dressing lead singer of a Van Halen cover band.

ODERUS URUNGUS

GWAR frontman Oderus Urungus also plays an alternative version of himself; Oderus, the strange being who lives in Adam's closet. Holliston's answer to Home Improvement's Wilson, Oderus provides advice to Green whenever he needs it most. Unlike Wilson, the advice is almost always offensive and godawful.

CORRI ENGLISH

You may remember Corri English from the horror films Unrest & Killer Pad, the latter of which was directed by Robert Englund. In the show Corri plays Green's ex-girlfriend, the great heartbreak of his life that he just can't seem to get over.

This hilarious viral video hit the net earlier this week which features English in her supremely awkward (faux) audition video for the show. Give it a watch to get a feel for what you can expect from Holliston!

LAURA ORTIZ

Rounding out the core cast is Laura Catalina Ortiz, who played the preciously deformed Ruby in the kickass Hills Have Eyes remake (and who was super awesome enough to sit down for an interview with little old me waaaaayyy back in 2008). Laura plays the current girlfriend of Joe Lynch's character.

Speaking of familiar faces, several guest stars for the six episode season 1 run have already been announced, including genre legends the likes of Tony Todd, Kane Hodder, Danielle Harris, Bill Moseley & John Landis.

And that about brings ya up to speed with everything you need to know. I don't know about you, but this looks to be a horror fan's absolute dream show, and I can't think of any better people to deliver it to us than Green & Lynch, two men who are super fans just like us at the end of the day. The show will premiere April 3rd over on FEARnet, with six total episodes in season 1 airing subsequent Tuesday nights.

Remember, if your provider doesn't carry the channel, you need to DEMAND THEY DO or you'll be left out in the cold come April 3rd. So unless you want to wait till later in the year to see the show on DVD or online, call up your cable provider and tell them you want FEARnet and you want it NOW. If you don't tell them you want it, they have no way of knowing you want it, so it'll likely stay off your programming package until we all start asking for it. Don't take no for an answer. You've got a couple months to convince them to carry the channel.

877-FEAR-247

^^ GET TO IT!!! ^^

Tonight's Guest On Piper's Pit Is ... Eli Roth?!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 04:28:00 +0000

I have no earthly idea how these two people ended up in a room together, filming such awesomeness, but I'm not gonna question it. I was bumming around Funny Or Die tonight when I stumbled upon this, a video of Rowdy Roddy Piper interviewing Eli Roth in a mock episode of the vintage WWF segment Piper's Pit. As both a life long fan of old school WWF as well as a big time Eli Roth supporter, I really could never ask for much more than this.

Fellow fans of both, enjoy these few minutes of pure gold, as the Hot Rod gives Roth the complete Morton Downey Jr. experience!

Cool Promotional Shit : The Innkeepers Hotel Keychain!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 23:32:00 +0000

Shit Movie Fest's Tom Bryce recently attended a screening of The Innkeepers where these promotional key chains were being handed out, made to look like vintage relics from the hotel where the movie takes place. Being the awesome guy that he is, Tom snagged a couple for me. Love the movie and I have a weird fascination with these kinda old hotel key chains, so I'm very happy to add this one to my ever growing collection of promotional goodies. Thanks Tom!!

As I mentioned a couple weeks back, Jen and I are going to the real Yankee Pedlar Inn for a Valentine's getaway next weekend, where the movie was actually shot. It's funny because I was recently wondering if the hotel still used vintage style hotel keys affixed to key chains like these, and I kinda sorta fantasized about leaving the premises with one. Now that I've got my own, I guess I don't have to! And thank god because when push came to shove, I doubt I'd be man enough to walk out of a haunted hotel with stolen property. Bad ju-ju, my friends.

On a related note, it was just announced that The Innkeepers will be hitting DVD & Blu-ray on April 24th. Pre-order your copy today!!

I'd Hate To Live In A Van Down By This River!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 04:03:00 +0000

**THIS POST IS SPOILER FREE!**

When it comes to TV I generally stick to reality shows, with everything from Intervention to Hoarders to American Idol (screw off) popping up in my weekly couch sitting schedule. I generally don't get into sitcoms/narrative dramas, as I usually prefer to wait till the seasons or entire series' are available on DVD, so that I can watch them all at my own pace. Something about having to wait a week to continue a story that just doesn't work for me. Hell, even when I try to keep up, I generally end up giving up on shows after a couple weeks, losing interest as time passes. There are of course exceptions, like The Walking Dead, but ya, not really all that much of a TV guy. But goddamn do I love to see people high on smack and buried under mounds of trash and feces.

In any event, whenever a horror themed program pops up, I kinda feel obligated to give it a watch and see if I can't get into it. And if it's created by the guy who made Paranormal Activity and is produced by Spielberg, then you can bet your ass my ass is gonna be on the couch come premiere time, beer in my hand and cat on my lap.

The River, which just so happens to be created by Oren Peli and produced by Steven Spielberg, premiered tonight on ABC, the first two parts of eight total in the first season (both parts were directed by House of Wax/Orphan director Jaume Collet-Serra ... another reason for me to tune in). Though I find it hard to comment on/judge TV shows so early in the game, as it's kinda like reviewing a movie after only seeing a couple scenes from it, I do want to quickly give my brief thoughts on what we've seen so far, as well as leave the floor open afterwards for you to do the same.

The basic premise of the show is that a Steve Irwin-esque adventure TV show host has disappeared in the Amazon (the jungle, not the website), after over 20 years on the air. As time passes he is believed to be dead, until a signal from his emergency beacon suggests otherwise. Armed with the surviving members of the show's TV crew, along with some of their family members, the father and mother of the host take to the Amazon to find out if he's still alive, and if not, at least discover what the hell really happened to him. Cue oodles of mystery and intrigue.

I've encountered very few TV shows that grab a hold of me right off the bat, making me fall in love with them right after being introduced to them. Again, watching an episode or even a small handful of episodes is like seeing a tiny section of a massive painting, so it's really hard to say whether or not you're into any given show until you really delve deeper into it. Take True Blood for example. Though one of my favorite things about TV these days, it took me several episodes into the first season before I even figured out if I liked it or not.

Such is seemingly going to be the case, for me, with The River. I spent the past two hours flip flopping between being heavily interested in the show and being quite underwhelmed by what I was witnessing (parts of the first episode felt VERY fake and lame), so it's really hard to say whether or not I'm gonna end up digging this one. What I can say is that I really like the premise of the show, which sort of mashes up Paranormal Activity with The Serpent And The Rainbow and Lost. The show seems set to be a head on collision of magic, supernatural elements and serious amounts of mystery, all things I can get behind. So they've at least got me there.

Though The River is essentially a 'found footage' TV show, don't let that deter you from getting involved with it if you're over that whole style of storytelling (which I quite frankly am). I say that because the show feels more like a normal narrative TV show than it does a found footage movie, with cameras always rolling when nobody seems to even be filming the action and the quick cuts and time stamps we're used to from the sub-genre all but absent from the proceedings. Though they do make a point to crowbar in reminders that we're watching footage that's been filmed by somebody with a camera, I honestly wouldn't have even known it was a found footage tale if I came in midway through the show, aside from various shots here and there of the characters as they appear on security cameras inside of a boat and things of that nature. So ya, if you were worried about shaky cam overload, have no fear.

That said, the show does at times reflect many of the familiar and tired tropes of the found footage film, things like a character dropping dead right in the line of sight of his own fallen camera (yawn). Hoping they keep that kind of business to a minimum. In Part Two of this premiere there was even one scene of a quick time lapse sleeping sequence, ala the Paranormal Activity films, though that was admittedly kind of a cool little homage, given Oren Peli obviously created both that series and this one.

I will say that The River impressively does jump right into things without wasting any time, almost to a fault. The first part of the two part premiere feels very rushed, but it's always nice to see shows/films that get right to the stuff we care about seeing. So props to it for that. That sense of the story being rushed was all but gone in the superior second episode, so that was likely just first episode awkwardness, which most new shows suffer from. Can't fault it too much for that.

And that's really all the input I can give about this one so far. Time will tell whether this ends up being Lost for horror fans or just another serving of footage that should've never been found. I'll reserve any real judgement for now and see how I'm feeling come next week, when I will most definitely be tuning in. That said, I really don't see how this could go on for more than one season. Then again, I guess people were saying the same about Lost when it first crash landed on TV screens. And there those same fans were six seasons later still craving more ...

By the way, is anyone else feeling like we're getting a bit of a Spielberg overload lately? I feel like his name is being attached to everything these days, from movies to TV shows, and I'm beginning to wonder if he's even aware of half the projects he's involved with. Hate to say it, but I'm kinda feeling like his name is losing a bit of its power amidst this rampant involvement of his with far too many things. Meh.

Anyways, feel free to leave your comments below with your thoughts on The River so far, if and when you get around to checking it out. I'd love to hear 'em!

Oh and though it's unlikely that I'll continue to post episode reviews each week, you can read my continuing thoughts on each new episode over on the Freddy In Space Facebook page!

OK, now I'm done. Goodnight!

Trailer Of The Week : Dead Shadows

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 23:12:00 +0000

If there's one thing I'm a sucker for it's practical effects. If there's another thing I'm a sucker for it's modern day French horror. My favorite trailer from last week is a showcase of both. Check out the first look at Dead Shadows!

SYNOPSIS:
Chris is a young man whose parents were brutally killed 11 years ago, on the same day Halley's Comet could be seen from earth. Tonight a new comet is going to appear, and everyone in his building is getting ready for a party to celebrate the event. There's even an apocalypse theory going around. As the night falls, Chris starts to discover that people are acting strange - and it seems to somehow be connected to the comet. People are becoming disoriented and violent, and it doesn't take long before they start mutating into something from beyond this world. In a fight for survival, Chris has to try to escape from his building with the help from some other tenants - but will they make it out alive?

This trailer is the very first I've heard about this movie whatsoever and if it's any indication of the practical FX filled monster movie we're in store for, you can color me excited for the release of this one. No official release date has been set, though Dead Shadows is supposedly coming out sometime this year. Learn more/see more/dig on this baby more over on the official website!

Also gotta give a shout-out to the trailer for Ghosts On A Plane ... err ... 7500, the upcoming new film from the director of The Grudge (original & remake). A few days after the trailer hit last week, a pretty cool 'in-flight experience' trailer hit on the film's website, which shows you the same trailer as if you were watching it while on the haunted flight itself, screen shake-age and all. So go check that out if ya get the chance!

The Woman In Black : Atmosphere For The Win

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 19:09:00 +0000

While I had been looking forward to seeing The Woman In Black for the past several months, I wouldn't necessarily say I had been overly excited about the film, at least not as excited as many others in the community have been of late. Despite the fact that this is another venture for legendary British studio HAMMER, who have been churning out some real gems in the few short years since their under new ownership comeback (Let Me In/Wake Wood), as well as the fact that it's the second directorial effort of the man who brought us Eden Lake, one of my favorite horror films in recent years, there's just been something holding me back from getting too pumped up about this one. Ever since clips and trailers started coming our way a few months back, in anticipation for this past Friday's theatrical release, I couldn't help but feel like The Woman In Black was set to be another by the numbers haunted house flick, a generic rehashing of concepts and ideas from fright fest's past. Nevertheless, it was mostly the fact that Eden Lake's James Watkins was in the director's chair that got my ass in the theater last night. Oh who am I kidding, my ass would've shelled out the money to be in that theater whether I had any desire to see the movie or not. Such is the unwritten commitment of being a horror blogger!

So, now having seen The Woman In Black, were my initial judgements correct? Well let's just say that I pretty much got exactly from it what I expected to get from it, which isn't all that much of a bad thing, all things considered.

Before we go any further though, I wanted to quick mention something that I was not aware of in regards to this movie, until one of you guys over on the Facebook page informed me of it. Last night I made a status update over there saying that I was "Going to the theater to see a horror movie that's not in 3D, isn't a remake & doesn't feature any found footage". I quickly found myself wiping egg off my face when I was informed that The Woman In Black is in fact a remake of a 1989 TV movie of the same name, both films adapted from a 1983 novel by author Susan Hill (also called The Woman In Black). Just wanted to share that for anyone who was in the dark about that fact like I was. Funny enough, I also learned that this remake was originally going to be filmed in 3D, which it thankfully was not! In any event, the original TV movie apparently slipped into the public domain over the years and can be watched in full over on YouTube. Definitely want to check that one out at some point.

Now that I've filled you in on that information that you probably already knew, let's resume my thoughts, shall we?!

So ya, I expected a fairly generic haunted house movie and that's just about note for note what I got from this one. Rife with jump scares aplenty, creepy dolls, lunging CG ghosts & cryptic messages underneath old wallpaper, The Woman In Black is in essence your run of the mill creaky floorboard haunted house flick. That said, it's a very well done run of the mill creaky floorboard haunted house flick.

The film left me feeling very much the same way last year's Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark did, another film that was coincidentally also a loose remake of a TV movie. In the same way that I really had nothing bad to say about that one, aside from the familiar trappings of its execution, I really have nothing bad to say about The Woman In Black either, aside from the same complaints of genericism. Though by all means a well made old school ghost film, The Woman In Black's only real fault is that many other well made ghost films have come before it, oftentimes going about their business in strikingly similar fashion. Much like I would've appreciated Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark a heck of a lot more had I never seen a Guillermo Del Toro movie before it, the same can be said for this one in regards to haunted house cinema. Again though, that's just about the only thing bad that I really have to say about the movie, so don't let that detract from the fact that I found it to ultimately be a very well made and all around solid film, one that's paint by numbers approach to the storytelling doesn't change the fact that it comes out smelling like a rose in a genre populated largely by flat out bad movies. If the worst you can say about a horror movie is that it's good but derivative, then there's really not much to complain about.

The Woman In Black is a bit of a star vehicle for Daniel Radcliffe, a sort of showcase of the fact that he can have a career outside of the Harry Potter films. Though the script unfortunately doesn't allow him to do all that much or display much range, serious props must be given to young Radcliffe for commanding the screen and fully embodying the character he plays, never once making me think of him as the young wizard with the lightning bolt on his forehead. Even though he's only in his early 20's, and is largely known for his child stardom, Radcliffe never for a second seemed out of place as Arthur Kipps, a wise beyond his years father who lost his wife during the birth of their son. I honestly expected to find myself giggling over the sight of Harry Potter being a father (bet that makes ya feel old, eh?!) and battling ghosts, but Radcliffe totally owns the part and completely sheds the Potter image altogether, which is an impressive feat. Again, he really doesn't get to do or say all that much throughout the movie, but even when he's just walking around the haunted house by himself, not uttering a single word, Radcliffe manages to be captivating and a pleasure to watch, which I've gotta commend him for. Looks like that's one child star that's got a bright future ahead of him as an adult actor. Just stay away from the drugs, Danny boy!

Again I must stress that though I found The Woman In Black to be a bit too predictable and cookie cutter, it's a fine film all around, one that's got several things going for it that I quite liked. For one, the story is solid, not just a tale of a scared dude trapped inside a haunted house but rather one of a man who is desperately trying to prove the existence of spirits in an effort to show himself that his wife is not just forever lost in some black abyss somewhere. At its core, the story is about Radcliffe's search for hope, the hope that two people can in fact be reunited in the afterlife, a hope that forces him to put himself into some pretty frightening situations. I liked this idea a whole lot and it added a nice layer of realism to the story, never once raising the "why the hell doesn't he just leave the goddamn house?!" question that most of these types of movies make us ponder and roll our eyes at. That said, some of the complexity and exploration of that solid story is tossed away in favor of quick jump scares at times, which is kind of a shame. Would've liked to have seen some of those strong ideas explored a bit more. Nevertheless, the story does reach a strong and satisfying conclusion, even if it is a predictable one.

The main highlight of the film for me though is the rich atmosphere, which largely must be credited to the house chosen as the haunted location and the incredible Oscar worthy job the set decorators did on turning it into what truly looks like an uber creepy lived in house from the past. In movies like this one atmosphere is half the battle, and The Woman In Black valiantly triumphs in that half of the battle. The movie is beautiful to look at and those visuals and locations were what really impressed me most about the whole thing. In fact, it was surprisingly those scenes where Radcliffe is just walking around the dimly lit by candlelight house, exploring its creepiness and seeing things out of the corner of his eye, that I found most enjoyable to watch. Go figure.

Taking the haunted house flick back to its classy old school roots and delivering a story more akin to vintage horrors like The Changeling than recent hits such as the Paranormal Activity films, HAMMER has in my opinion crafted another hit with The Woman In Black, a more than formidable addition to their quickly growing catalogue of impressive new era horror films. Though it apes heavily from haunted horror films past and relies a bit too much on jump scares over any real sense of lasting terror, The Woman In Black provides some genuine thrills and chills set inside a wonderfully creepy haunted house, bolstered by strong performances all around, making it an effective entry into the annals of atmospheric haunted house horror. If you're into that sort of thing, and don't mind healthy doses of predictability and rehashed ideas in your horror films, then I really can't think of any reason to dissuade you from dropping your dough on this one. It gets the job done and is an enjoyable watch, more than anything else.

That said, I'd personally recommend you get your fix of moody HAMMER horror with last year's Wake Wood instead, another film that deals heavily with the theme of dead children, in a much more original and effective fashion. Seek that one out if you haven't yet. Though a totally different kind of film on every level, I also once again strongly encourage you to check out Watkins' previous film Eden Lake, a dark descent into human on human hell that certainly aint for the weak of heart.

Vintage Video Of The Week : Rare Creepshow Making Of Footage!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 04:41:00 +0000

With this weekend largely being devoted to celebrating the birthday of George Romero within the horror community, it seems only right that this week's Vintage Video Of The Week follow suit!

Though a fan favorite within the community, Creepshow has to date never been released onto home video in the United States with a single special feature attached to it*. Can you believe that? Even though it was released on Blu-ray by Warner Bros. a couple years back, the disc was still completely bare bones, save for a tacked on trailer. Now that's what I call some bullshit!

Thankfully, a YouTube user by the name of ZombiePhan was rummaging through his friend's VHS collection one day when he stumbled upon a homemade tape that consisted of several different segments from various TV shows in the 80's. On that tape was a segment from the news show PM Magazine, which ran from the late 70's to the late 80's. Taped from their 1982 Halloween special, the segment featured a behind the scenes making of look at Creepshow, which was released that same year. The piece mostly focuses on the filming of the Creepshow segment They're Creeping Up On You, and features interviews with bug wranglers as well as George Romero, Stephen King, Tom Savini and various stars.

Enjoy this rare behind the scenes footage, never before seen by even the most rabid of Creepshow fanatics!

*Creepshow completists will want to pick up the 2 Disc Special Edition DVD which hit the UK back in 2007. Packed with special features, including a commentary, a 90 minute making of documentary & deleted scenes, the set is the ultimate release of the film to date. Just make sure you've got a Region Free player!

Where's Romero? George's Many Cameos In His Own Films!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 18:20:00 +0000

As part of this weekend's ongoing celebration of the 72nd birthday of George A. Romero, I wanted to take a look back at several of George's blink and you miss him cameos in his own films over the years. Much like Hitchcock, Romero inserted himself into most of the horror films he made, oftentimes in camoes so small that finding him has become a 'Where's Waldo?' of sorts for horror fans. When I Google'd around for a picture filled listing of all of these cameos earlier today, I surprisingly couldn't find a single website that had done such a thing, so I knew it was up to me to hunt down those cameos and compile such a list.

So here's the internet's very first pictorial look at George Romero's many cameos in the films he directed, in chronological order and with timestamps indicating where you can find him!

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD - 56:29

That's a cherubic looking George on the far left there, as a news reporter trying to figure out why the hell dead people are coming back to life. Though he's hard to recognize given how different he looked back then, it's the voice that gives this one away.

THE CRAZIES - 19:37

Romero apparently has a couple cameos in this one, as a member of a crowd being hurried into a school towards the beginning of the film (seen above) and then later on as either the mayor of the town or one of the President's men, seen on a television screen. I've heard accounts of both but don't own the film so I can't go back and find out for sure. Huge thanks goes to reader David Foskey for screen grabbing this image for me!!

MARTIN - 1:03:11

In his largest role to date, Romero appeared in Martin for a several minute long scene as Father Howard, a cigarette smoking wine enthusiast priest. I don't know about you, but I'd totally start going to church if Romero was the priest!

DAWN OF THE DEAD - 00:59 & 1:47:08

Romero has a couple cameos in Dawn, first as a TV director at the beginning of the film, a cameo which is very easy to spot if you've ever seen the man. Towards the end is a much more hard to spot cameo, where George appears for a split second as a Santa suit clad biker, during the scene where the biker gang is throwing pies at the zombies' faces. All hail Romero Claus!!

DAY OF THE DEAD - 1:34:57

Though never seen from the waist up, Romero appears very briefly in Day right after Capt. Rhodes is ripped apart, as a cart pushing zombie with a scarf wrapped around his waist. Romero in fact wears this plaid scarf on the set of all of his movies for good luck, so this was a nice little reference to that fact.

DIARY OF THE DEAD - 44:50

After only providing a vocal cameo in Land of the Dead (as the voice of a puppeteer), George returned in front of the camera for Diary, playing police chief Arthur Katz. He appears during a televised press conference that the characters are watching and provides a cover-up for the zombie outbreak.

**BONUS CAMEO!!**

SILENCE OF THE LAMBS - 1:13:05

Though not a film he directed, Romero pops up very briefly during the scene where Hannibal delivers the iconic 'silence of the lambs' speech to Clarice, while inside his holding cell. Romero plays an FBI agent who pulls Clarice out of harm's way when Hannibal gets a little too close for comfort. You go, George!!

In Honor Of George Romero's Birthday Today, Print Out Your Pair Of Romero's Signature Glasses, Courtesy Of Screaming Brain Studio!!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 17:12:00 +0000

It was on this day waaaay back in 1940 that mama Romero spit out little son George, having no idea that her seemingly normal little boy would end up revolutionizing the zombie film and changing the landscape of the horror genre forever, inspiring the work of countless filmmakers to pick up a camera in his wake and becoming a golden God to horror fans the world over. Here we are 72 years later and ole George is still at it, making zombie films and entertaining audiences with his trademark fusion of horror and social commentary.

Second only to that trademark is George's trademark pair of badass oversized old man glasses, which he never leaves the house without. Many have suggested that it is this pair of iconic glasses that gives George his power, filling him with the superhuman ability to make kickass gut munching horror flicks. When Clark Kent throws on that red cape, he becomes Superman. When Bruce Wayne pulls that cowl over his head, he becomes Batman. And when George Romero tosses on those spectacles, he becomes George A. Romero; living legend and horror god.

In honor of George's 72nd birthday today, and to give fans attending today's screening of Night of the Living Dead at The Hollywood Theater in Dormont, PA a special little treat, my buddy Terry Callen whipped up replica pairs of Romero's trademark glasses, designed to let fans watch the film as it was always intended to be seen; through the eyes of Romero himself! Those attending the Hollywood Theater screening will also be invited to take part in a commemorative birthday photo, a picture taken of diehard Romero fans rocking the glasses, in tribute to the master. Exclusive to the event, the glasses will be selling for $1.

If you can't make it out to PA today and you're just gonna kick back in your own home today/tonight and watch some Romero films, you can still watch them in Romero Vision with Screaming Brain Studio's commemorative George Romero print out birthday glasses, which you can print RIGHT HERE or over at the Living Dead Festival Facebook page, a page which exists to help spread the word on the fundraiser to help fix up the iconic chapel seen in the beginning of Night Of the Living Dead, which will be destroyed if fans can't help raise the money needed for repairs. Learn more over at Fix The Chapel!

Happy Birthday, Mr. Romero!!

New Release Review : 2-Headed Shark Attack

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 00:56:00 +0000

RELEASED ON DVD & BLU-RAY THIS TUESDAY!

When a semester at sea ship is sunk by a mutated two-headed shark, the survivors escape to a deserted island. But when it starts flooding, the coeds are no longer safe from the double jaws of the monster.

Ooooh snap. The Asylum is back with another mega monster creature feature epic, this time out to prove that two heads are better than one. Tonight we watch and run 2-Headed Shark Attack through the patented Freddy In Space Syfy Originals gamut, which consists of three simple criteria designed to determine if it's any good ... as in, in terms of Syfy Originals good. As I've said in the past, these types of movies really can't be judged or rated on the same scale that 'real' horror movies are, so I came up with this little system to properly rate and judge these monstrous pieces of awesome trash. It's not cinematography, acting or story here we're rating, no no, it's three simple things that all Syfy Originals should by all means deliver. Unfortunately, most can't seem to get it right.

So then, does this latest offering grab the shark by the fins or sink like a rock? Let's find out, shall we?!

1) Is the monster cool?

This one can usually be answered before even watching the movie. In the case of this particular movie, yes, a two headed shark is pretty fucking cool, the most revolutionary use of a shark since Syfy fused one with an octopus last year. I like this siamese shark a whole lot, nearly as much as I like Brooke Hogan's derriere (ya feel me, Hulk?). The beast is brought to life mostly through the usual horrible CGI, but close-up shots of the shark chomping down on his many victims are admirably pulled off with a rubbery practically created creature, which is always a cool thing to see. That said, I again must reiterate that it's mostly the work of shoddy computer technicians on display here, though isn't godawful CG work one of the things that makes these kinds of movies so damn fun?

2) Is the monster given enough screen time?

My answer to this one almost always seems to be a highly disappointed no, but I actually can't complain about the screen time given to the 2 headed shark in this one. Not much time ever seems to go by without him making at least a brief appearance. Best of all, in between the scenes of him popping up to spill some blood, we get to see Carmen Electra's career hit rock bottom (oh wait, that happened years ago didn't it?), Brooke Hogan disappoint her father even further than her music career did & Charlie O'Connell once again drive home the point that his big brother got all the talent. So ya, can't complain in this department. Oh, and though it's fun to kid, Brooke-amania is actually one of the best actors in the whole thing, which is a bit like saying Troll 2 is the best movie called Troll 2 but still, that counts for something. And yes, her monster boobs are given ample screen time too, which also counts for something.

3) Are there cool kills?

While there is a bunch of the usual actors disappearing into the mouth of the beast in waves of bad CGI glory business, there are actually some inspired kills in this one too, particularly one which sees the shark spitting a woman from mouth to mouth and tearing her limb from limb in the process, before finally popping her head like a champagne cork. Though there are only a couple such notably awesome death scenes, there are so many characters written into the movie that there is plenty of bloodshed and more than enough shark on human consumption to satiate the bloodlust of any Syfy Original fan, which is more than can be said for most of these. So again, check on this one.

Conclusion : Is it fun?

Ya know, it's saying something when a Syfy Original can entertain you even when you're sober and alone. 2-Headed Shark Attack did just that for me tonight, which I've gotta give props to both it and director Christopher Olen Ray for. Olen Ray revels in the blood, boobs and monsters that his shlock master father Fred made a career on, delivering one of the more fun films of this type that I've seen.

Whadya say, Hulkster?

Amen to that, BROTHER!!!

Reader Beware, You're In For A Challenge : How Well Do You Know Your Goosebumps Cover Arts?!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 23:42:00 +0000

When I was a youngster, RL Stine was as good as God in my book; a man that was never seen and yet delivered utmost joy and happiness into my life. Burying my head in Goosebumps books got me through many a day of torturous grade school and I will always be thankful to RL for that. Those books will forever occupy a special quadrant of my right ventricle and I look forward to the day when I can usher my future children into the world of horror through Stine's writings. Don't get your hopes up though Jen, that day is still very far away, barring any unforeseen accidents.

If you're a lifelong Goosebump'er like myself, I issue a challenge to you tonight, a challenge that will test your true fandom of the book series and force your mind to travel back in time to your formative years. I've excised small portions of the iconic imagery from 10 different original Goosebumps books and I challenge you to name as many of the books as you can, using only those small slivers of awesomeness as your guide. In doing so, keep in mind that these are only from the original covers of the 62 books in the original Goosebumps series.

Leave a comment with your answers and good luck!!

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Cool Promotional Shit : House Of Wax 'See Paris Die' T-Shirt!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 12:37:00 +0000

Whenever anyone asks me why I would ever watch or enjoy a horror movie with Paris Hilton in it, I smile and offer up a simple reply that generally shuts them up. 'Because,' I say, 'Paris gets killed in it'. By way of the transitive property, my answer essentially morphs their question into "Why would you want to see Paris Hilton get killed?", a question no one in their right mind would ever ask, thereby nullifying their original question altogether. Yay, I win.

The makers of the House of Wax remake were incredibly smart in casting Paris Hilton in the movie, a brilliant decision that may at first seem insulting to horror fans who are used to a genre god like Vincent Price occupying the titular waxy house. Not only did they attract her fans to the movie, but they also appeased the many haters of her worthless existence by killing her off in the most brutal and fittingly phallic way possible; a long metal pole is first thrust through her forehead, which Paris then slowly slides down, the forehead pole holding her in place like a beautifully horrifying piece of art, even more beautiful and horrifying than watching Paris suck a dick on found footage style night vision home video.

The whole idea of putting Paris in the movie seems to be centered around this particularly awesome death scene, a hunch which was further proven to me when Warner Bros. decided to utilize the fact that Paris gets killed in the movie as a clever promotional tool, a marketing tactic that even Vincent Price would approve of. Check out the shirts that the brothers Warner handed out in goodie bags at the 2005 premiere of House Of Wax in Los Angeles!

The shirt was produced in very limited quantities and you'd be hard pressed to ever get your hands on one these days. In fact, I'd say your chances of getting your hands on Paris herself are a whole lot higher.

For the record, aside from just the fact that Paris gets killed (and strips down to her bra & panties), I am one of the seemingly few big time fans of the House Of Wax redux. I found it to be really well done and I have a blast with it every time I watch it. I haven't spoken to many horror fans who echo this sentiment, but it's nevertheless an opinion I'll bravely defend whenever I'm called to action to do so. So there.

What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't end this post by embed'ing the full Paris Hilton death scene from the film? Not a very good one! So hit the play button below to enjoy Paris getting a different kind of large, hard object shoved into her! Oohhhh, it hurts so good!!