Blab 'n Flab Freak News Daily: It's Positively FLABbergasting!

Dear Muslim Radicals Who Want to Blow Up Americans,

2009-04-06T10:52:00.006-04:00

This whole war on terror thingy has been a huge mistake. We're sorry we tried to hold the perpetrators of 9/11 accountable. We were wrong, and I promise to keep trying my best to weaken our national defenses and continually ignore the advice of my top military advisers.

Can we be friends?

Love,

His Holiness Barack Hussein Obama II
the 44th President of the United States of ~~America~~ Obamerica

P.S. Please listen to my theme song!

Hell in a handbasket.

Image by jmtimages via Flickr

"Used Condom" Comment Brings Politics to a New Low

2009-02-26T16:05:00.003-05:00

In the San Fernando Valley, politicians don't play nice and they certainly don't mince words. Sharron Aisenman, who is running for city council, buried a thick knife deep into the back of a former friend, Councilwoman Brenda Esqueda, in what can only be described as the bitchiest political tirade of the year. "...you are just being used, the same way they used you as a placeholder for Mario. Please be aware that when this crew is through with you, they will discard you like any other used condom," Aisenman spewed, in front of a shocked city council.

An artist's rendering of how things might have unfolded on Monday:

The whole debacle is here: San Fernando Valley Sun

Image inspired in part by a photo taken by moron noodle via Flickr

Ze Robots Will Conquer Ze World.

2009-02-20T01:29:00.004-05:00

It's true.

We've created extremely sophisticated artificial intelligence on the verge of taking over the world, compliments of the United States Navy. In a secretive report on "military robot ethics," Patrick Lin noted "'There is a common misconception that robots will do only what we have programmed them to do.'" He continued, "'Unfortunately, such a belief is sorely outdated, harking back to a time when ... programs could be written and understood by a single person.'" Fox News

Image by Javier Piragauta via Flickr

Cher Slums Around at Target and Michaels!

2009-02-18T01:26:00.000-05:00

Image via Wikipedia

And believes elephants should never be kept in a zoo...

Quote of the Day:

"I know there are a lot of Targets and a lot of stores called Michaels in the United States. We had a thing where we do painting and we would have these big Teamsters painting a little teapot for their mom. I would be running to Michaels and getting paintbrushes and stuff like that.....Elephants should not be in zoos..."

A big thanks to AP and the Teamsters for this one!

Bin Laden Desperate for Money, Applies for Job: Blames Economy

2009-02-06T11:55:00.000-05:00

"Bush's policies on terrorism really have made my life difficult," Bin Laden told Blab 'n Flab in an exclusive interview. "Between that and the economy, I really have been having a difficult time finding gigs. Funding for my organization has dropped by 30 percent as the economy is hitting my investors, and despite my celebrity status, I haven't been able to find a good fit for my skill set."

He decided to apply to the Hamilton Island caretaker position after discovering how much Queensland was paying for the job. After submitting a YouTube video resume, shown below, he was disappointed to learn that the Australians found his video offensive and declined his application.

"I mean, seriously, this discrimination in it's highest form," Bin Laden spewed, furious with the rejection. "I will be taking legal action, possibly a civil suit. I hear the ACLU has done some excellent work in past, so I might go to them for help."

Obama Team Tells NASA 'No We Can't'

2008-12-13T01:26:00.001-05:00

BREAKING TRANSITION TEAM NEWS:

A member of Obama's goon squad threw down, Chicago-style, in a shouting match with NASA adminstrator Mike Griffin earlier this week while discussing the agency's future. The heated power play officially ushered in a new dark age in NASA politics as a ominous sign of things to come as the facade of campaign niceties fades away.

Needless to say, Obama's transition team's obvious intentions of restructuring of governmental agencies and their funding to favor his pet projects is slowly coming into focus.

Fran Drescher Impersonates Senate Candidate: FacePunch Wednesday

2008-12-10T12:45:00.000-05:00

Fran Drescher has decided that her next career move will be to impersonate an United States Senator. What the eff are you thinking, woman? You have no qualifications to be a senator. You didn't even finish college (and I quote, "She attended a year at Queens College and then attended cosmetology school to become a hairdresser.") What exactly can you bring to policy discussions? "Mr. Senator, I do believe you need a new haircut." The ability of an United States senator to understand, draft, and evaluate legal documents and enact new laws is paramount to the success of our governmental process.

Just goes to show you that celebreality continues to run the People's Republic of New York. So, Fran, I hereby sentence you to 50 self-inflicted punches. Heck, why stop there? Please beat yourself into a senseless, bloody, unusable pulp. Do it. Just dooo it.

Politics with a Side of Funny: Tweeple to Follow

2008-12-07T22:26:00.001-05:00

If you are still laboring under the impression that conservative politicos are boring, stale, and straight-jacket serious, it's time you tap into the Twittervein and refresh your mindset- because it's dead wrong. To facilitate this process, I'd like to present the Silver Flabber Award to the following witty conservatives on Twitter:

@pinkelephantpun
@Linc4Justice
@Morticia626
@jimmiebjr
@RightGirl
@Michelle_Moore
@mortimas
@RightMichigan
@Leaningright
@blogsofwar

If you are not following them already, you. are. wrong. Period.

Oh, and to all my lovely tweeps: I love each and every one of you, so don't feel bad if you're not on the Best Flabber list. If you are a funny political tweeter/blogger, I'll come to my senses one day and notice your brilliance. If you'd like to speed up the process, send me a DM or @AJae reply.

Don't Underestimate Young Republicans/ Conservatives, #TCOT

2008-12-06T02:29:00.002-05:00

['cause I won't fit in the box]

Twitterland is all abuzz right now with one of the most infectious movements in the rightosphere:
Top Conservatives on Twitter.com,

a.k.a the infamous
#TCOT.

#TCOT's grassroots gorilla wordfare* is on the verge of a total hostile takeover of the liberal-ruled social media outlet, with astronomical growth just days after its inaugural listing...and I'm so proud to say that @AJae is on the list.

With that being said, there is something that has been tweeting around (ever since Hot Air published a piece on #TCOT) that really rubs me the wrong way. I am 100% certain that this is not #TCOT's official opinion, but I've run into a shocking number of conservatives that hold the view that you have to be a certain age to have valid contributions to political dialogue and/or be a 'real' conservative. (This issue, of course, certainly isn't just confined to Twitter.) It's this tiny little box that they can automatically stuff any new young voices that pop up in the party into and continue on their merry way.

We, as conservatives, need to check this attitude at the door. It's annoying, it's patronizing, and it's one of the reasons young conservatives lose interest in the party early on. Personally, I found it insulting: just because I'm only 21 doesn't mean that I'm somehow missing the logic and reasoning processing centers in my brain. I'm used to being insulted by lefties claiming that I'm full of the 'foolishness of youth,' but this sentiment from my supposed allies has left me bewildered. As Steven Lee of the New Republican has proven, younger conservatives are a essential key to reforming our party while staying true to core conservative values.

So, please, for the sake of preserving our great nation and reinventing the Republican party (and the conservative movement), don't forget the youth in your grassroots reform campaigns. Encourage and foster a new generation of intelligent, well-rounded politicians, writers, and opinion-makers.

*War of words. Yes, I like to make up my own language. Shaddup.

Wordless: Paris Hilton Dishes on Brittney Flickinger

2008-12-04T02:36:00.000-05:00

Bree [Van De Camp] Hodge is One Badass Bitch.

2008-12-01T12:13:00.000-05:00

She deals with terrorism the easy way.
A conservative, gun-toting, fiery redhead with lava pit of passion concealed under a serene mask, she sticks to her opinions and is loyal to a fault. She is a powerful woman-a housewife and a mother, yet is so much more than just a composite of either of these titles. You know her as Bree Hodge, Desperate Housewife. I know her as my hero and a example of exactly the kind of woman we need to protect and cherish in the conservative side of the political spectrum. Speculated to be the least favorite of the Desperate Housewives, I am shocked that her character has been allowed to express her "radical " agenda at all. Yes, she is stereotypical (an uptight, cold bitch with OCD and maniacal tendencies, because, hey, how could a woman with four guns and a nice looking house be normal?), and the show does villanize her character on several occasions, but ultimately, she still overcomes the script's hurdles to be a semi-loveable being. Which reminds me of another conservative, powerful woman who isn't afraid of children, housework, or guns:

Millions of Americans have no problem accepting a fictional Bree Hodge, but when she comes to life and steps out of the silver screen and onto the national stage, people will stop at nothing to destroy her. I find it sad that people will stand in mass rallies and chant empty promises of change and hope, yet refuse to broaden their narrow opinions to include a woman in the White House. Good job, America! We have another four years of the Clinton administration thanks to your 'change.' I'm not suggesting that Palin is perfect, or even ready to be the next President, but the fact that she wasn't even given a fair chance tells me that we haven't come very far since 1920. Both sides of the political fence have failed us once again.

The moral of the story?

Real change is impossible until you open your mind to new possibilities.

Lindsay Lohan Dishes on Her Sexuality and Her Newest Toy

2008-11-15T01:54:00.000-05:00

In an exclusive interview, Lindsay Lohan* gives Blab 'n Flab the official dirt on her sexuality, what new toy is making her hot, and how she's exploiting the current political and cultural moods to stay famous by sitting on her ass and do nothing but hang out with a gal pal in skimpy clothing. AJae, the mistress of secrets here at Blab 'n Flab, caught up with Lohan at an undisclosed Starb*cks somewhere near her home.

AJAE: So, Lindsay, there's been a lot of rumors flying around about you and Sam (Samantha Rosen). Are you actually out of the closet now? And what's this we're hearing about a possible side boyfriend in the near future?

------------------------------
LOHAN (Sips on her non-fat Vanilla Latte a moment): Well AJae, the fact of the matter is that I feel that riding the bi-sexual/lezzie/100% boring straight girl line for as long as possible will help people forget that I haven't successfully held down a job in...um, well, forever. I am not bi-sexual. And I love the man juice too much to commit to Sam and give her the respect she (and the rest of the GBLT community) deserves. I prefer to think of myself as an attention ho with no viable sexual orientation. I am in talks with an un-named male F-list celeb's agent to discuss an tabloid photo-op only 'relationship' arrangement to ensure that men will still think I'm attractive. So, yeah, things are really good with me and her right now. We're in a good place. A love cocoon.

AJAE: Wow. You're definitely in a better place now. So what else is new?

LOHAN: Like, oh my gawd, I totally just snatched up this fierce new toy- you might know it from the James Bond film, "You Only Live Twice"-but it really just makes my panties wet. I'm totally all up in James Bond's business now with my new autogyro [Editor's note: What did you think it was?! You're nasty. =]. And I'm drooling over the new Bond film that's out-it's definitely a date-night flick for me-makes me feel like a wicked bad girl. (Twitches a little)

AJAE: I am feeling the autogyro. So, then, you've kicked your partying and drugs for good, and you're really okay?

LOHAN: Definitely. My agent made sure that me and SamRo have been heavily photographed doing healthy activities like smoking and playing innocuous games like Scrabble. I am whatever the tabs publish, ya know? I'm taking a page from Britney's book, minus the whole bald head thing. That's just ugly.

AJAE: Indeed. Quite ugly. How do you feel about current California events? The wildfires? The Siport shooting in Santa Clara? And the Paula Abdul fan-cide deal?

LOHAN: Well, AJae, I don't know anything about the Siport shooting thingy- Santa Clara is outside of my brain-bubble area. And I'm staying inside a lot and getting extra facials and body wraps to ensure that my skin isn't affected by the extra environmental pollutants the fires are spewing into the air and stuff. That's just sad about Paula, with her finally getting edged out of the spotlight by that new bitch-what's her name? Kara DioGuardi. Yeah.

AJAE: Ummm...yeah. Okay. Well I'm running out of time here so I've got to wrap this up-any final words?

LOHAN (Frowns...nibbles on her ciggy butt):Miley Cyrus is a ho.

AJAE: That about sums it up...Thank you for talking to Blab 'n Flab today, and don't forget to hit me up whenever you decide you are asexual or whatever.

---------------------------

In other news, Blab 'n Flab is working on an exclusive first interview with Bristol Palin's baby, so don't bother reading People for the exclusive pics, 'cause we've got this sh*t on lock. Or whatever.

Disclosure Policy

2008-11-15T01:47:00.000-05:00

This policy is valid from 15 November 2008

Note: Blab 'n Flab Freak News Daily is not meant to be read by those who suffer from Geliophobia, Cherophobia, Euphobia, Neophobia, Caligynephobia, Cyberphobia, Enissophobia, Heresyphobia or Hereiophobia, Oneirogmophobia, Panophobia, Eleutherophobia, Homophobia, Atelophobia, Philophobia, Allodoxaphobia, Doxophobia, or Primeisodophobia.

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Halloween.

2008-11-01T14:51:00.000-04:00

Anybody else more scared of the election results than supernatural beings hanging out in your house on Halloween?

'Nuff said.

Sexism, Sarah Palin, and The Queen of Spain: Why I Love Twitter

2008-10-03T07:00:00.000-04:00

This election has highlighted issues that many of us have been sweeping under the carpet for years, as race, gender, disabilities have become fair parley. The subtle discrimination that lurks deep within each of our minds is being exploited in this race like no other political campaign in history. Although I personally don't believe that the Democratic ticket should be viewed any differently from any other male dominated ticket (in that Obama shouldn't be viewed any differently than a male of a different ethnicity because I don't believe that your skin color affects your thinking, ability to lead, or is anyway superior/inferior to any other Asian, Hawaiian, Neatherdal, Scottish, Spanish, Hispanic, Caucasian male), but there is no doubt that is not an opinion shared by America. So this election is ground-breaking anyway you look at it. Sarah Palin, in particular, has been at the center of a thousand whirling dervishes of controversy. She's a girl. Running for the vice presidency. This post was supposed to be done last week, and so many more ~~must-read~~ excellent articles and sources have popped up since my Twitter conversation (like this very logical article from Tammy Bruce), but sexism in American politics isn't going away folks. Although I admit this post is belated [Shuddaup. I got a mean virus that rendered me incapable of functioning for like ~~forever~~. And my lovely MTF* emergency room is staffed with incompetent idiots who shouldn't have been allowed to graduate from whatever backwoods college they supposedly became nurses at. They couldn't even give me an I.V. in my perfectly-popping-easier-to-find-than-your-granny's-cookies veins. I seriously wanted to give myself the damn I.V.-I would have done a better job. (Segue into a Proud Moment: Back in my ~~toy~~ soldier days, I had to take this CLS** class that involved shoving tubes down people's noses and giving each other I.V.s and fun stuff like that, and I kid you not, I did a better job than the freaking medic teaching the class. Yes, I'm vein. And very, very punny.) Anyway, I have two huge bruises in my left arm. Ugh.], it is still very relevant.

Without further ado:

--------------------------------------

It began with a boring night of reading Roe v. Wade and watching a crappy Lifetime movie while twittering random thoughts and evolved into an exciting political debate with a great twitterati and blogger, the Queen of Spain. What follows is an abridged conversation of the debate about sexism in this election and Sarah Palin:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AJae: Watching Coco Chanel and reading Roe v.Wade: the untold story of the landmark supreme court decision that made abortion legal-What a combo! Anybody else already tired of this election? I'm getting tired of sorting through the internet rumors and misinformation.

QueenofSpain in reply to nmckinney28: [U]m...well it wouldn't make sense...and I think it's clear there have been [D]emocrats calling out the sexism against Palin

AJae: Obama's campaign may or may not be defending Palin against sexist remarks, but the Dems as a whole certainly are not.

The Queen of Spain: The [Democrats] as a whole? Really? Seriously? You mean the party that stands up for women's rights? The ones that vote FOR affordable child care and equal pay and family leave? The ones that have already condemned the remarks by the SC chair? You mean THOSE democrats? Give me a break. Excellent attempt to play victim, but the '[Democrats] hate women' card is equally as absurb as the GOP candidate for VP.

AJae: I was referring strictly to the response to Palin's candidacy in that the Democratic party seems to be rapidly falling into a pit of sexist 'PTA moms should stay at home with their children and leave politics alone' remarks and gaffes. I'm not sure where the Democratic party of yester-year that used to champion women's rights went... but this campaign seems to be erasing history. I do love the victim card so...but that was not exactly the point I was making. I was just discussing the current state of affairs derived from reputable news sources, not opinion or other biased articles. And I [certainly] did not infer that "the [Democrats] hate women" but rather that they aren't necessarily pointing out sexism against Palin.

The Queen of Spain: [C]ould you point to these news sources you speak of? And when [I'm] back to my computer I will send various [examples of Democrats] and [Democratic organizations] decrying sexism. (Specifically against Palin, mind you. My and others issues with Palin are in her policy. Critical over her issues, not her vagina.)

AJae: I understand why you would be critical of her issues, and I wholeheartedly support that. What I'm noticing is an extremely un-professional response to Palin's gender by the media and certain [Democrats]. http://tinyurl.com/6leock This article only scratches the surface [of media bias] , but it's a start. [Even Democrats are agreeing that the Palin response is excessive: Mark Penn told the LA Times, and I quote: "'...all of the media is now being viewed as partisan in one way or another. And that is an unfortunate development.'

So does the strategist, who had his own complaints about sexism in media coverage about Sen. Clinton, think the media is being harder on Palin than other candidates?

'I think that the media is doing the kinds of stories on Palin that they're not doing on the other candidates. And that's going to subject them to people concluding that they're giving her a tougher time.'" http://tinyurl.com/4h9gtm I apologize for two articles in a row from the LA Times... An interesting article from CBS that discusses both sides of the sexism and Palin issue: http://tinyurl.com/6jqgxu

The Queen of Spain: That was a Dem (Mark Penn) defending her against the media? I don't understand. At all. A conservative columnist thinks she didn't need to know which version of the bush doctrine?*** These articles point out nothing to me.Here's a Dem PAC with a better wrap up for youhttp://tinyurl.com/6mve9fthey defend. Your point was that the Dems were not denouncing the sexism. Everything you've sent me proves otherwise. I am confused.

AJae: [Mark Penn wasn't exactly defending Palin-he was basically just admitting that the problem existed] I can definitely see where you are coming from, but I still think this election is turning into a mudslide of sexism and avoidance of issues. Your over generalization of Dems protecting Palin from sexism is misleading and uninformed. Honestly, I don't have the time or ability to go back and quote the appropriate sources, but there is no doubt that sexism in the Democratic party had a significant influence in the failure of Hilary Clinton candidacy. The sexism and Palin issue is admittedly [often] too much ado about nothing, but to say that Dem[ocrats] are coming together and defending Palin against such slander is a gross misrepresentation of fact.

The Queen of Spain: We're not protecting her, but we're calling it out too. Which is more than I can say for them when Hillary or Michelle O were attacked. She needs no protecting by Democrats, that's for sure. That's a different issue entirely. And I would say sexism in the world may have, but not by this Democrat, who voted for Obama. She lost me in South Carolina and with her 3am GOP playbook. Not her gender. http://tinyurl.com/658l5k Enjoy.

AJae: Let's not forget that Bill Clinton has been documented calling his wife a cunt and similar language on many occasions. Is he a misogynistic politician?

The Queen of Spain: Bill Clinton has been documented calling his wife a cunt? Missed that one, but heard about mcCain...Here's a good wrap up of just blogosphere stuff http://tinyurl.com/6nostj

AJae: Yes, Bill Clinton has been documented doing so, but that received little attention. I honestly don't know how Hillary can stand being married to him.

As things heated up, summerm joined the discussion:

summerm:I know 1 site to do a sexism watch on Palin, here's the most recent http://tinyurl.com/66be6m

AJae: Rape Kits and Palin: http://tinyurl.com/5zv98q Apparently, the rape kit decision was the police chief's, not Palin's. Mayor does not equal Supreme Ruler of Wasilla. Darn.

The Queen of Spain: I can help debunk your assertion (New Evidence: Palin Had Direct Role In Charging Rape Victims For Exams" http://tinyurl.com/4vu7z7 )

summerm: "Comella would not answer other questions, including when Palin learned of Wasilla’s policy or whether she tried to change it"

AJae: According to the bylaws of the City of Wasilla, there is no direct way that Palin could've changed the rape policy. See the PDF on http://tinyurl.com/4vu7z7 The mayor is not allowed to interfere with the actual law-making process. "[C]lear evidence suggesting Palin knew Wasilla was charging the victims of sexual assault has been hard to find" from http://tinyurl.com/4vu7z (although Huffington Post is admittedly not a reliable, fact-checked news source). And I have been reading through the source documents the article cites and have been hard pressed to find the evidence they claim is there. But, yes, it is her fault for picking a crappy police chief. Aren't you glad she's made major mistakes she's learned from?

summerm: If in a town that small she couldn't keep track of the the police chief she hired was doing, how does that make her qualified to b[e mayor/VP]? So she did as crappy a job vetting her police chief as McCain did vetting her? I live in a small town, everyone knows what the PC [...] Sorry, with her already "if you get raped and pregnant tough shit" attitude, don't see her caring much about rape victims.

AJae: I don't think her abortion stance is necessarily phrased in such harsh terms, but I'm actually researching the Roe v. Wade issue as we speak. As a child from a teenage mother who got pregnant via rape, I'm undoubtedly biased.

summerm: Of course she uses nicer terms, but basically the same thing. Choice is something only those with penises can have. I understand the bias, but [the] diff[erence] between [being] raped and choose to keep and [being] raped and tough shit you're gonna keep it anyway.

AJae: [It was far past all of our bedtimes at this point and the conversation was left at a stalemate] But what a rousing and informative night it's been...I have a lot to think about and some issues to reconsider.

America, get ready to face a new reckoning at the hands of Twitter!

---------------------
*MTF: Military Treatment Facility
**CLS: Combat Lifesaver Course
*** Note: It has widely been acknowledged that there is no specific or official "Bush Doctrine" in existence, and that the fault for this incident should rest squarely on the shoulders of Charles Gibson and ABC.

A few of our sources:

http://womencount.org/blog/blog_detail/2008-09-sexism-and-sarah-palin

Financial reports: http://www.cityofwasilla.com/index.aspx?page=136

Questionable, but still:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jacob-alperinsheriff/sarah-palin-instituted-ra_b_125833.html

Why I Heart Google.

2008-09-15T02:07:00.000-04:00

My favorite[est] recent Google search that found my blog (and I quote):

"bra to cover the flab"

You? A Republican?

2008-09-12T16:34:00.000-04:00

A conversation with a friend:

"You know, never pegged you as a republican. And while some people think she walks on water, I don't. I don't hate her, I look at her critically, just like I do the other candidates. And the problem this year is that they all suck, all lie, and all change their positions on their key issues several times. Don't know which one I'm voting for yet. That's why I keep asking people their political views to see it from other view points. Quick question, what is it about McCain you like and what is it about Obama you don't like?"

Palin doesn't walk on water...but neither does anybody else I know. The sad thing about this election is that we're all focusing on the VP pick as if she was running for President. She is not. Even sadder, she appears to have more executive and military experience than Obama, the Democratic PRESIDENTIAL candidate...All this time we're spending tearing down McCain's VP, we're ignoring many of the real issues behind the campaign: Why did Obama go to the same church for 20 years and then denounce his pastor when his church became politically inconvenient? Why are we talking about Palin, the VICE-President, instead of comparing Obama's and McCain's credentials? And why is this election turning into a cult-like celebrity contest of Who-Has-The-Cooler-Rhetoric? Why aren't we hearing how Obama's great Change is going to rescue the U.S. from it's downward economic spiral?

And why in hell is the media grilling the Republican VP pick as if she is going to be the President tomorrow, yet they never asked Obama, the Democratic Presidential candidate, the same questions?

Why do I trust McCain more as president? Simply: He has solid military experience and obvious leadership abilities, which at our present state of foreign policy, is desperately needed. And, so far, his campaign has been less about great, soaring rhetoric and more about actual issues...all served up with a side of less spin. He picked a VP that will round out his own shortcomings (youth, for one) and bring a fresh perspective to the White House on energy and other important issues.

I realize I didn't quite answer your question.

McCain: Policy-making experience, years of military experience, the ability to make decisions based on what he thinks is the best course of action, regardless of party line, and the ability to work in a joint-party environment without stone-walling.

Obama: No military familiarity or experience, more concerned with his appearance than actual issues, little policy-making experience, and the tendency to rely on advisers and the party's gospel. Being the president is not the same as convincing a whole sh*t ton of people to join your religious cult. He's just too fluffy. No substance.

More juicy Sarah Palin slander:

http://weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/015/548bfqty.asp

DISCLAIMER: This was an actual conversation, not a researched, fact-checked post, and thus may have errors or misinterpretations of fact. A 'from-the-gut' reaction, not necessarily logically formed.

Asshole, Anyone? Dem Carol Fowler claims Palin's Sole VP Qualification is that "She Hasn't Had an Abortion"

2008-09-10T22:24:00.000-04:00

Someone, please, stop the carnage already. This is seriously getting out of hand.

After weeks of zero media criticism of the Obama campaign, the Democrats are tripping over themselves with insulting gaffes. It appears that the Lipstick-on-a-Pig fiasco was only the beginning. Carol Fowler, South Carolina Democratic chairwomen, declared today* that Sarah Palin's "primary qualification seems to be that she hasn’t had an abortion." Not only does the statement degrade any executive abilities she has shown while in office as governor, it insults every woman who has ever made the decision to keep their child or adopt. Forget politics. Forget policies. Forget the war in Iraq. Forget the economy. At the core of this election is women, their rights, and why so many people still secretly harbor prejudice against strong women (particularly moms and former housewives) in authoritative positions.

Sadly, it seems as though McCain's VP pick has successfully ignited a nationwide bitchfest pitting woman against woman in a 'who-can-rip-out-Sarah-Palin's-heart-fastest' contest.

*Of course, she was forced to make a hasty retraction, but still...

I'm Awesome. And Republican.

2008-09-10T15:51:00.000-04:00

I was twittering tonight and came to an astonishing realization. Republicans are so not cool. I'm not sure why, but it might have something to do with the loud-mouthed, small-minded, homophobic few that dominate the public's view of Republicans. 'Cause moderates who agree with the economic and other sensible, non-discriminatory policies of the GOP stay at home and shut up. They don't have radio shows or television spectacles. All the cool kids are Democrats.

Well, guess what, bitches. There's a new girl in town and she's gonna rock your socks Republican style.

A Moose in Manhattan: Sarah Palin is Doomed

2008-09-08T00:37:00.000-04:00

The Republicans pulled a rabbit out of their metaphorical hat when McCain chose a woman as his running mate, and I couldn't be happier. She brings a fresh perspective to the campaign, is relatively unsullied by the political bullshit that many career politicians bath in, and, as a woman, has the potential to break the endless cycle of male-dominated presidencies. As a mother, she's obviously already well qualified as a diplomat/peacemaker, can multi-task like no other, and listens to the needs of "the little man." As an Alaskan, she has a unique perspective on energy issues and the oil crisis.

I especially approve of her wholehearted backing of her daughter's pregnancy, which is a tangible example of her actually living the values she preaches and demonstrates a notable humility. America needs someone who isn't holier than thou. We don't need a "perfect" family. By the statistics, the "perfect" family is a virtual dinosaur-who doesn't have a deep family secret or a nasty vice? We need a family who is struggling through the same issues we do. I am probably biased on this one, as I was the product of a teen pregnancy myself. Although my mother chose not to marry my father(which, believe me, was one of the smartest decisions she's ever made), she did raise me and did a damn fine job of it. She didn't drop out of school, in fact, she graduated early with honors and went on to complete her bachelors and masters degree. AND she did that without any support from her parents or my father. I'm not saying that what she did is right for everyone, that adoption is a bad choice, or that abortion is evil, simply that I approve of the support Palin has given her daughter.

The sad thing is...I doubt that a woman will be in office in my lifetime, and certainly not a Republican woman. Many people won't vote for her simply *because* she is a woman, a mother, a wife, and, most of all, a Republican. They will tune out any campaign platform she runs on because they have already written her off. Some conservatives will brand her as a fallen woman, evil, even, and some liberals will brand her as a 'barefoot and pregnant,' raving religious madwoman because she has five children-regardless of any actual leadership abilities that she possesses.

So, Sarah Palin, I applaud your courage and I will root for your success because I believe that a woman will bring great changes to the presidential office, but ultimately, I realize that you will likely only succeed in putting a few more fractures in the glass ceiling.

America is not ready for the future.

An Evolution: Blab 'n Bytes to Blab 'n Flab

2008-09-07T21:49:00.000-04:00

My mother and I have a tumultuous relationship at best, but, damn, is she ever brilliant sometimes. Many of our conflicts center on differing moral approaches to life, as I tend to be a bit crass...and she tends to go to church every Sunday. Not to mention that she's entirely too nosy for her own good.

A few weeks ago, we got into a huge row over the phone because *she googled my name.* Really, mom? Really. Google at your own risk. She dug all the way to page FOUR of the search results {Who does that?!} to find the one kinda-shady project I had, Blab 'n Bytes Freak News Daily. She went into a long tirade about the crap I was promoting {and this was back when the blog was really tame and didn't even include profane language...although I did reference porn in one of the news stories...do you think 'porn' is a dirty word? I mean, what else am I supposed to call it?}. It was exquisite- she was like "What is this, this 'Blab 'n Flab' crap..." I unfortunately tuned out the reminder of the conflict, but I've come to realize that my mother had a fabulous idea- Blab 'n Bytes Freak News Daily would be *so* much better as Blab 'n Flab Freak News Daily.

Blab, of course, is referring to me rambling about random crap, and the flab element comes into play when I sink my teeth into the celebrities and other geniuses of our society. Don't even get me started on Miley Cyrus. But, that, my dear readers, is another story...

It's really that simple: introducing Blab 'n Bytes as Blab 'n Flab.

Blab 'n Bytes Sounds Stupid

2008-08-29T23:59:00.000-04:00

The Chief Blogger Gnome has been indulging in some indecent bloggery lusting for a review from AAYSR (and what D-List blogger wouldn't-anybody who is anybody is somebody in the AAYSR universe) after Sue Doe-Nim posted about her review. The proof is in the numbers. Two of the three bloggerites-that-all-the-cool-kids-want-to-be, [Sue Doe Nim, the Immoral Matriarch, and Deb-on-the-Rocks], have been reviewed and declared to be fucking fabulous.

Let's face it. "Blab 'n Bytes Freak News Daily" sounds just like plain old douchebaggery, and I need to just go ahead and give myself a nice 'Go F--- Yourself' award right now. Because, honestly, I can't even stand the crap I've been pedaling. My misled attempts at 'professionalism' have just created a blog that is flat and uninteresting.

To put it eloquently: Good girls never get ahead [which is probably okay, since I stopped being a good girl at the ripe old age of two]; Fox News, CNN, and Reuters have already got 'professional' reporting covered; and no one cares about news gnomes. Nobody. I so fired their lazy asses.

'Cause the only freak worth hearing about is me.

Outrageous News with a side of Parody?

2008-08-26T00:03:00.000-04:00

Would you like to read about your favorite celebs, catch up with the world's insane, and find out that your friendly neighborhood rodeo clown decided to rob a bank of 3 mil...or just get the latest news straight-up, as-is, no shading, irony, or parody? The News Gnomes have been undergoing some serious late night, Starb*cks fueled brainstorming sessions, and the foremost conclusion is that Blab 'n Bytes should go Lake Wobegon on your a**, dear readers.

After, of course, the legal Gnomes (Oh Legal Gnomes, where art thou? The Chief Blogger Gnome has lost her d*mn mind...) finish their debate about the consequences of gossiping slightly untrue rumors about famous persons and whatnot.

In the words of Chief Blogger Gnome:

"It's time for Blab 'n Bytes to take off the gloves, quit the radio-edit on shady language, and get real...real interesting."

What do you think?

Dude, I Totally Have the Montauk Monster In My Trunk...Uh I Mean...Well...I have Pictures.

2008-08-02T02:33:00.000-04:00

A beaked beast's award winning performance as The Montauk Monster began with its spectacular, yet so simple, act of dying and washing on to a beach in the Hamptons a few weeks ago. Once a D-List monster, the creature decided, after long discussions with his publicist, that giving up the ghost could be a very healthy move for his career. He was right. This little hairless beast has ignited an internet-wide, Emmy-worth controversy involving monsters, New Yorkers, Star Wars, and the X-Files. Take that, all you hairless terrier posers!

I honestly don't know who is the real freak this story- the mutated, decomposing hairless raccoon or the people who have claimed to have seen it. We've got the bimbo triplets, who claim they took the picture, the blond lifeguard who "rescued" the remains, the old man "who carted it away," or the large group of people who believe they've seen the Montauk monster alive and well. Rounding out this circus of hoopla, Alanna Nevitski, the woman who supposedly uploaded the picture to Gawker, isn't even getting any attention for her discovery. Everyone else is.

Is it real? Is it Photoshop? Is it just a publicity stunt?

We may never know, but the real question left is where exactly is the Montauk Monster?

Source: Fox News

The Great Alien Cover-up...Or Simply Dementia? Former Astronaut Says Aliens are Real, Blames NASA

2008-07-25T17:00:00.000-04:00

Dr. Edgar Mitchell, 77, has an out of this world confession: Aliens are real. Once a member of the Apollo 14 space project, he is one of the few humans who have walked the moon, and now he coming clean about the alien conspiracy: the government has, indeed, been hiding the facts from us.

"[R]eal-life ET's were similar to the traditional image of a "small gray" — short, slight frame, large eyes and large head," he was quoted as saying during an interview with Kerrang! Radio. In addition, he added, "[H]uman technology is 'not nearly as sophisticated' as the aliens' and 'had they been hostile,' he warned, 'we would be been gone by now.'"

Creepy? Or just a bad remake of the ET plotline?

News Source:

Kerrang! Radio
Fox News