Need a Forward Push?

Letter to my Kuya

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 11:13:00 +0000

Dear Kuya Eugene,

I hope that this letter finds you in utmost comforts in heaven. It has been years that we have had last a conversation together. I still remember that I was juvenile and you were in your teens but the rest are no longer memories but rather emotions of how it is like to have you around. I may not have all the words before to express fully what I wanted to say but this time I write you this hopefully as an adult.

Since you left, I grew reconciling myself to having no male figure around. Luckily, mom is here to make things a little easier for me and ate. I know everybody tried their best to move on and oftentimes I felt like needing to follow the good things you have left behind. Of course I later on discovered my individuality, and probably the footsteps I track right now are no longer yours nor dad’s. I am sure that I did try to keep up with the challenge of bringing honor to the family. But no matter how much gold i take home with me, the feeling of wanting to chase the better impact you have made remains.

I may have been chained to factors that kept security and confidence from occurring in me. In many times I try to prevent myself from drawing straight lines between my gender orientation, the lack of a father, family secrets and competitiveness, culture and choices, and the many things that were lacking or taken away from me (you included). I look outside the box and realize what a mess this life is. However, I live and have become what I am now because of these constraints.

Many changes happened while you were gone. I assume you take a peek at the hallowed windows and witness almost all these. But this time I share to you how I experience what has transpired over the years.

The Nurse

So I am a nurse now Kuya! Probably not your daily-average-sane-psychotic nurse, I consider myself special. I would have loved it more had I taken the course on Computer Engineering or Journalism that I really wanted but skimming over my career track, everything came so fast that in the blink of an eye I am now taking my doctorate. Even if this decision to take nursing was heavily influenced by false promises, I still manage to give my best. But at times I could not resist to linger to the what-if questions especially if I face the frustration of not able to achieve the primary goal to why I took nursing - to work abroad.

I was somehow forced to believe that the heavens speak differently about my fate and that I am in this spot now for another purpose. Lesser to my eyes, what I do not see nor experience now is the greatness it may turn out at the end of the day. My skepticism though was not a hindrance to strive for a living and now I am teaching young nurses who just like me before are on their way to more challenges. I have also authored three books related to my profession and carry myself the hope that I will be able to touch lives through these familiar ways.

Lifestyle and Adventures

I am not sure how you would react to my lifestyle but I believe that I am engrossed into a wide range of human exploits. Since I came back from my four-year stay in Baguio, I have found myself loved and hated, stubborn yet growing, rewarded and punished, frozen yet seared, built and broken in a number of ways. Moreover, I have loved traveling and being afloat in the plane or slackened in the bus seat is one of the best ways I find tranquility. I am fast paced and ideas spark inside my thoughts like a lightning that comes out of nowhere. Oftentimes, I let my excitement take my impulsivity to a higher level but whether my decisions are sheer necessity or just stupidity, I take consolation of the positive ends, if not the fact that at least I tried.

Lately though, I have learned the art of mellowing down. My spirit that is constantly on the go has got to rest. My mind and emotions this time will be further tamed down. Even if I am at times irritated by the shadows of my past, I am blessed that i am enveloped by the unconditional support of mama, ate, the family, and my closest friends. I am also glad that Tagum is a lot different from what it used to, and now it is a better place to live a simple yet happy life.

The Big What if

It is irresistible to wonder how it would be like if you were still alive. If you were here, I am not sure if I would be able to do what I have done in the past few years as I remember you were too over-protective of me when I was still your young little Macoy. You will most likely stop me from taking risks that would jeopardize myself. On the contrary, I would perhaps not allow you either to stop me from my pursuits as I know I would strive hard and never stop to get what I want. Nevertheless, what’s important I reckon is that I am safe with the family. It would just be a lot better if you were here. Just like before, it would be amazing to have you as a companion as we go to places. I still remember the Video Rental Store visits we make. But then again, I am happier that you are now at peace up there.

Totally, there is nothing to worry about Kuya. The tasks I am left with and the goals that our family has set will not be led astray. I believe that everything will fall into its right places in the perfect time. And as long as I am here to protect mom and ate, please be confident that everything is basically A-okay!

Do send my love to our grandparents and I hope that this letter makes you smile!

Love,

Macoy

Friends, Time, and Friends

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:40:00 +0000

Relative as it is, friends are defined in a number of ways. As for me, having them is a need, a life demand. I could never think of life without these people. Not only would it be boring, I think my life itself would not be life at all. It would be dead or worse, owing to the fact that even dead people themselves have friends who miss them!

Time should not be enough to dissuade friendship from carrying on. If friends extend their role beyond time then perhaps they were also present before it? Soul-mates call you may, my friends came in different points of my life. Although some remained, others physically distant, and a few probably totally lost, the experience of friends is found in the magic of every single moment and the collection of good things (and bad things) shared with sincerity.

Be that as it may, it is not very clear how my childhood friends and I started to know each other. Perhaps it all began in grade school when I started off as a newcomer and then found myself singing, prancing, and do almost everything with everybody else. My memory with them may be a little faint but I do remember the glee and innocence we shared. I cannot of course recall all of their names nor faces, however a few have been with me side by side up to high school, college, and even up to now.

As I reached the point of tranquil settlement with the set of friends I had and looking for new ones seemed unnecessary, no less than the old ones came my new friends. As I was away from my family, these new people who came as strangers started listening, encouraging, and sympathizing. Although I had my defenses up at first, they too showed love and acceptance that expanded the space in my heart to welcome them as a new need I would no longer live without.

Whether old or new, time does not control the path of friends nor can it predict it. The timelessness of friendship cannot be fully deciphered. In spite of this, it is more important to me that I have them because they are vital to my living not for what they can give but for who they are and what i become when i am with them. At the end of the day, I find myself in peace and happiness that I have so far existed with friends who tag along for whatever reason... even if there is no reason at all!

Leading Off My Long-Distance Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 11:13:00 +0000

It has been a week since I came home after keeping myself ensnared from a seemingly non-ending contemplation of what lies ahead of the climacteric decision to finally leave Baguio City. As I experience the breath of home sweet home, I gasp in ambivalence with the thought of having left my boyfriend, my partner. Physical as the separation is claimed, keeping a long-distance relationship may not be as easy as it is read nor spelled.

I would have believed that this kind of setup rarely prospers. Hearing and reading repeated accounts of those who have been through failed long-distance relationships, I too settled into the thought that i would share the same fate should I engage into such. This thought may have been influenced by a mixture of emotions lead by fear of waiting for nothing, making a fool out of myself, and ultimately fear of failure.

Although despite these negative emotions that stir the situation into further complexity, I closed the deal to stay into my relationship. The fear of losing him is superior than any fear I could possibly think of now. Although the decision entails a lot of risks (unmanageable fights, unquenchable needing, etc.), I force myself to find peace that at least I still have him.

I am gay and unfortunately unable to get married, which may add more challenges to our situation. In order for us to be more realistic, we set a deadline to when we should be together again, or else accept that we too, like the others who tried, should part ways. We have no ties, but I know we have something more genuine than any ring or contract. I hold on to my love for him and the promise we made for each other whatever the stakes are.

As I spend the early days of remoteness from my lover, I carry on with my adventures and do what I can to become my best for my family and for that day I await that we meet again. The pain, the fears, and the feeling of inadequacy are all my responsibility to deal with. And as challenges cloud our relationship while 600 miles away from each other, I cling to hope to hinder myself from once again being astray.

The Resurrection of Forward Push

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 01:38:00 +0000

The blog is dead. Or rather, it WAS! I can no longer figure out why I stopped writing. But, I did stop and all I can do now is guess on the possible reasons why I did. It must be pointless to go back to those reasons but I find it very crucial for me to put these reasons into awareness because most of these are the keys to understanding my future articles.

To claim that the reason for stopping is blog maintenance issues is very lame. I remember when my former landlord and I had a disagreement on an issue regarding tariff increases, I decided to move in to another house but unfortunately my new place did not have any internet access at all. Probably this is a major factor why I stopped but if I really wanted to write then I would have sought ways to post like going to an internet shop. Obviously, there is another reason.

My masters drained my energy. I was enrolled to the final level of psychiatric and mental health nursing that involves intensive practice. I went to help victims of the typhoon and offered stress debriefing and I also took care of children with special needs. I made modules, researchers, and a lot more! To fit my blog to my schedule was simply hard to do but it was not impossible. So, this could also not be the major reason for stopping. There is still one more.

My ex-boyfriend and I got back. We again dated and tried to save the once destroyed relationship that we had. I had to spend more time with him than anything or anybody else but to make that a reason to stop writing is also lame. Probably, my euphoria for winning him back led me to conclude that I have moved on (or so I thought) and forward push already served its purpose.

I stopped writing and left the few who remain loyal readers to the blog hanging and probably frustrated. I am sorry. I admit it was selfish for me to stop. Believe you may, the reasons were unconscious to me and it took a lot of time and complexities (that I will explain in my future articles) before bringing everything into consciousness.

Around 2 weeks ago, I received messages from people telling me that they have been reading my blog and further asserted that they can fully relate to it. Only little did I know that some of my posts were actually still being read. That inspired me to bring life to Forward Push once more. I am still hoping that my former readers would still have the heart to check on my blog. It is back and it is alive!

Peace of Mind

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 11:27:00 +0000

I would do anything for peace of mind! A lot of people are striving for it and are even in constant struggle to achieve it. I would even kill if I have to. But then again, doing so would defnitely not give me what I need. Like I said, I would really do anything for peace of mind… anything!!!

Sadly, peace of mind is not that intrinsic as what other people claim. Yes, I agree with them when they said that it has to start from within. It really has to start from the inside before it blooms to a level that can be more appreciated. However, human as we are, we can never be fully immune to extrinsic factors. Oftentimes, we end up changing our environment in order to set the self-determined prerequisites before working on for inner peace.

Every moment in my recent relationship was a constant struggle for peace of mind. No matter what we (my ex and I) do to resolve our issues, it only ended up to futile efforts. There even came a time when our conflicts can no longer be talked over and was already intractable. I tried to ask for space but it was not granted. In every day that passed, issues were stacking on each other and all the more was it hard for me to forgive him and move forward. I became desperate for peace of mind by changing the situation on another approach and that meant getting out of the relationship. I was desperate to escape!

I remember the times when I used to leave the house with a heavy heart. I would often attend my masters’ class bringing along with me insults that I constantly processed just to look decent in front of my classmates. There were a lot of times that I was scared to go back home because I did not know what waited for me - another fight or another additional insult? I did not show weakness because I had to remain strong for my family and for myself. I got strength in the relationship when all I needed was just support. Totally, peace of mind along with my self-esteem was draining until it vanished.

I lost some things essential to my emotional and psychological intactness. I needed to get them back! Although it was initially difficult for me after the break-up to decide on how to start picking up those elements, looking at myself now being single again, I have gained some of them back and still in the process of fully gaining the sparkle that I once had.

If I ask myself now if I have peace of mind, the answer is a big YES despite the pain of losing him that I constantly bear. If I look at myself now on another angle, I guess it is better dealing with this pain and appreciate peace of mind at the end of the day than following my passion in loving him unconditionally yet not have inner peace at all.

Right now, I am in high hopes that someday I will be with the man who will share passion with me and the celebrated peace of the heart, mind, and soul that I so longed for!

My Support Systems

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 07:47:00 +0000

I always get excited whenever a Tuesday hit my calendar. It was the time I was scheduled to go to Saint Louis University (SLU) to attend the psych class for my masters in nursing. It was also the time I met my classmates whom I consider as one of the biggest support systems I have in Baguio City. After the class, we would often go to Gloria Jeans and spend some additional time to talk. We even share problems and give psychotherapy to each other if needed.

There are a lot of times when I faced them sad and confused because of problems with my ex who was then my present boyfriend. They let me see a lot of angles and share a variety of opinions and proposed solutions to the then current dilemmas. Some gave an obviously inappropriate advice (could be due to lack of understanding of the salient points) and some said some bright words that hit the right spot. Whenever my ex would inhibit me to go out with the only real social life that I have in Baguio, I would really assert for my right to go with them because it only happens once in every one or two weeks. Unfortunately, it often turned into another conflict between the two us.

It is actually not the amount or appropriateness of the advice that I am after whenever I see my friends. It is simply their presence and the experience of having people willing to spend time to listen and share both positive and negative energies with. I tried to extend my life to these people and what they had to offer because I do not want my world to revolve around my partner. The need for belongingness from friends is something that should not be denied nor forbidden. Nobody has the right to stop you from fulfilling a need.

I have learned to appreciate my support systems not by the quantity or number of people I have but on the quality of friendship and connection that we have in terms of genuineness, sincerity, and the implied promise that whatever happens, you are just there for each other. And yes, my real friends both in Baguio and in Tagum were completely there for me after the break-up.

There was not a day that nobody would call me just to check on how I was doing. While I was in Tagum City to spend the grieving process, my friends in Baguio kept calling on the phone just to listen and reflect with me. On the other hand, my friends in Tagum visited me at home and listened to my stories while offering a hand to hold on whenever I feel like crying. My best friends regularly took me to the local coffee shop to spend time talking and enjoying the wifi. Meanwhile, my mom and older sister would take me to malls and places where we could shop clothes and stuffs or to the supermarket for some groceries.

My Mom, my older sister and my real friends were all there and are still there to keep me sane, to check on my physical safety and emotional intactness, and to keep me diverted whenever I need to. They are my support system and I can not ever move forward without them.

Anger - the second stage of Grieving

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:50:00 +0000

Around three weeks after the break-up, just right after the denial stage, life for me started to turn into a big mess. I had a difficulty in picking myself up and I was in utmost confusion because I did not know where and how to start. I was a total wreck and all I can think of was just to stay in a corner and cry miserably.

I remember the time when I used to close my room and sing with the karaoke machine while tears roll down my face. I would often turn the mp3 player on and lock myself in my room and spend all day crying even while under the tune of the happiest dance songs. One of my favorite activities – cooking - was not a good diversion either since I could not even get started by not thinking of the times when I used to cook my specialty Chopsuey for him and he in return would show his expertise on Adobo for me.

I know that what we had together was very lovely and the break-up is something I consider as one of the biggest downfalls I have in this lifetime. Whenever I suffer miserably in thinking of the loss, I always go back to blaming everything on him. For me, it was just all his fault!

I was not contented with just believing that he was to blame for everything. I felt the need to hear from all my friends that it was indeed his fault. Hearing things against him from people I consider my allies seemed like music to my ears. Every time I felt down I always talk to my mom and friends of how and why he was to be blamed. It never fails to boost my ego.

Speaking of the ego, anger was the only way for my ego to rebuild itself. It was an emotion that I know I should not contain otherwise I will blow up. It took me three months to deal and manage my anger. It was a good thing that this emotion did not get in the way of my job because every time I face my students I automatically shift to the teaching mode in full flow but, during break s I always deal with the sadness and the anger that comes right after it.

It took me a lot of power to finally master the skill in managing my anger until it slowly left my system. When the point came that I was no longer angry at him, I realized that my ego had already mustered the strength for it to receive painful blows from the truths. That was the time I reflected on my own contributions to our problems and facing the fact that it takes two to tango a good and a bad dance.

The time to blame him was over and the time to blame myself began. I realized that if it were not for anger, my ego would not have been prepared for the next ego-breaking stages of the grieving process.

Building Myself and Loving Baguio Once More

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 13:08:00 +0000

My assumed married life revolved around Baguio City. It is where I discovered a lot of unknown things in my personality and where much of my transformation as an adult occurred not physically but rather mentally and emotionally. It is the place where I fostered my love for my recent ex and it is the pool of my personal experiences ranging from worst to best.

I really think that it is one of the loveliest cities in the Philippines because of its wonderful combination of nature, urbanity, and weather. The only catch is that it is about 600 miles away from home (Tagum City) and is considerably far. I remember that despite all the difficulties that waited in this place, I still opted to leave my comfort zones, fly to Baguio, face different kinds of people with different cultures and values, learn languages somewhat alien to my own, and start life anew with him. I thought that if loving him meant that I must do this kind of sacrifice then I did not see why I should not.

I learned to love Baguio only because he was in it. I fully embraced a lifestyle that is far different from what I had back home until the point came that I decided to leave everything behind for a reason only few can fully decipher. The escape I made for home and freedom from the chains in my life was carried out. I left the place as a torn and incomplete being. Some pieces of me were still left with him and even a lot more were left in Baguio.

For more than a month, I was a complete mess yet I knew that there was a need for me to push myself a little forward. I tried to bring myself back to the right track in both personal and professional aspects of my life and started to pick up the pieces to build myself once again. I remembered that in order for me to completely do that, I must go back Baguio. I knew That someday I will and when that time comes I must be prepared to face it.

Now, I am back in Baguio! Being here again this early did not occur to me at all because I felt I still needed more time at home for myself and for my family. But, due to demands of the times and my desire to finish my masters as soon as possible before I migrate to the USA, I forcibly induced my preparedness to be back. And so I made my choice...

Now I am starting to take back the pieces I left here and I think I am really doing a good job at it. My mind is set not to see him as much as possible because the wounds that have started to heal might be agitated once more. In time, I will cross that bridge but for now I must do what I am supposed to do out of love for myself and for people who truly love me. Moreover, I learned to further appreciate and love Baguio City no longer for reasons related to my ex but because of the splendor that it contains and every beautiful thing it has to offer!

Denial: The first stage of Grieving

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 00:21:00 +0000

I used to see him every time I opened my wallet. I forgot that it was an important thing for me to remove his picture because it no longer had a place inside it. I was in denial. I acted as if the break-up did not happen. In my mind was the awareness that the relationship is gone but the heart did not feel any pain, misery or despair. Like I said I was in denial – the first stage of grieving according to Kubler-Ross.

I thought that if this repression carries on, all the painful emotions might someday come rushing to hit me all at once and I might not be able to manage them in the context of sanity. I then rushed my heart to feel the hurt but the effort was futile. I was still in denial. My heart was numb to preserve its wholeness and muster energy before facing what has to be faced.

I remembered what my co-psychotherapist told me that I should fully embrace the grieving process including the time it takes for its completion. I said Okay and so it was time to wholly embrace the grieving process! I knew that I cannot rush healing otherwise I will always deal with a non-ending cycle of relapses.

Every time my girl best friend (Lani) brutally scolds me for keeping the picture, I always pull out the reply that his picture does not cause any harm so why bother. If I am in the denial stage then so shall I be in denial! Days passed by and I continually performed the regular check by staring at his picture on my wallet.

Before the second week ended, looking at him in the picture seemed to start giving me an absurd feeling that was not present before. I already felt the pain slowly crawling into my nerves and into my heart. Finally, I was hurting!

I already got the stimulus I need to finally remove his picture from my wallet along with four other photos of us together. I hid his solo picture in a secret place and decided to burn the other four in a special ceremony that I devised the night that followed. I cried while slowly burning them. I allowed myself to feel the pain I was longing for.

The pictures are gone but the memories still lived. I was hurting so much that every thought of him was like a direct stab on the chest. But I knew it was good because finally, I made it pass the first stage of the grieving process! I was no longer in denial.

It Pays to Cry

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 05:18:00 +0000

My career gave my newly single life a good kick start. Since the break-up, I received more demands from work and passed the NCLEX which is one of the three exams I will be taking this year to open more opportunities for me in the world of professional nursing since nowadays, being only a BSN graduate and a registered nurse in the Philippines is no longer enough to give you an edge in the labor force.

My current job as a lecturer in review centers gave me an opportunity to expand my knowledge in nursing, skill in teaching, and finance my lifestyle which is quite posh at the moment. Unfortunately, this job blocked my way to fully prepare myself for the upcoming NCLEX. I only had 20 days of self-review while working and I still did not see any reason to reschedule the exam to a later date.

Prior the exam, I had to travel from Baguio to Makati where the examination will be held. During the trip, I came across places where my ex and I used to go to when we were having our vacation in Manila. I consider it one of the best vacations I had in my life only because I was with him. Seeing those scenes triggered memories to float in my mind and while seated in the bus, I was constantly sucked into my inner vacuum and slowly being consumed by the feeling of misery, despair, and loss.

Upon arrival to my hotel room, all of the weakness both physical and emotional met to the point enough to cause distress. Seated on my bed, tears suddenly came rushing out from my tear ducts. They were in a hurry to go out along with the heaviness I was bearing inside. I cried and screamed, sworn bad words, punched the bed and the walls, and threw anything I could touch that I knew would not break. Out of ridiculousness, I even took the laundry from my luggage and washed them while crying. That night was a night of crying, meaninglessness and misery. I finished doing the laundry, stopped crying, and immediately went to bed. I took it as the final and crucial preparation for the NCLEX.

On the next day, I took the NCLEX. There was not a drop of anxiety in my nerves despite the lack of reading and preparation. I took it with all confidence with no concern on the result. Two days after the exam, I knew from the quick result service that I passed. I PASSED! And in front of the computer I once again cried so hard but no longer did I shed tears of misery but rather it was tears of victory that rolled down my face!

From that experience, I learned that I am a victor, not just because I passed the NCLEX and are on the right professional track, but because I know how to cry. Once again I have proven myself that I am indeed a master of my emotions and this is the strongest foundation of my victory.

Our Gay Wedding Plans: Adjourned!

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 05:20:00 +0000

A friend told me just lately or rather viciously ordered me to stop the “if only” and “what ifs”. Not only does it foster false reassurance, it also becomes an emotional obstruction towards moving on. She told me that I have to help myself and not rely on others for me to do that. After all, it is I who is moving on and not them. Okay, so I got the point! I must help myself and that is why nowadays I am doing just that.

On my half-brother’s recently held wedding, I was caught into an emotional interlude when the entourage led by me – the best man – marched across the beautiful cathedral’s aisle. The bride and groom’s eyes seemed to sparkle as if it only communicated happiness, excitement, and the words “This is finally it!”

While everybody was in mind of the ceremony, I on the other hand was busy sinking myself into my own fantasy. My strong conviction to move on was nowhere to be found that time. Then I started to ask myself the not-to-be-asked-ever-again-question “WHAT IF Dale and I got married like what we planned to have on the late quarter of this year? How would it be like if we both exchanged the “I dos” and kissed in front of everyone?

Stop!

My thoughts came to a halt for a while but the sequel still followed…“Our families were already supporting of what he had, it would definitely be a great gay wedding!” and I added “We were so sure of ourselves that we were meant to be together. IF ONLY we did not break up. IF ONLY as live-in partners, we did better”.

STOP!!! And I mean it.

And so I stopped and came back to my senses. I realized that the heart would not stop calling out his name out loud. This is probably normal given the fact that it has really been just two months yet that passed. The brain should always have the power to interfere these fantasies and govern by answering “It is over and done. Lesson learned. Move on.” This phenomenon is what I call the brain and heart working, not equally, but in synchrony.

I proved from this experience that my friend was indeed right! From now on, I should give myself a favor and start helping myself (seriously this time). I now cling on to the hope that someday everything that Dale and I had will become “a thing of the past” and remembering it would only elicit a smile and a thought of how better I have become since then. I believe that I will get married perhaps not now but in the right time… and of course, with the right man!

Reunited and it Feels So Good!

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Fri, 29 May 2009 02:17:00 +0000

I may have lost the most important man in my life (Dale, my ex-bf) but at least I won two more men in the person of my half brothers who have been disconnected from my life and my family since day one.

I knew upon the leakage of family secrets that my father had children from other women aside from my mom. Knowledge of the harsh truth had me felt like there was no time for grieving because the thought that I had half-brothers had me rushing to find them. The internet was the best place to commence the search.

Champ is my younger half brother in General Santos City who I met barely 5 years ago when I was still a nursing student. He was the only person who replied to the hundreds of emails I sent to strangers I suspected would have the key to my quest. Eventually, we figured out that we had the same father and I found exactly who I was looking for.

Giovanni has been a regular invitee to significant family events. He is older than me and younger than my full-blood sister. There must be something special about him that makes him entitled to these prerogatives. And I was not wrong. He, indeed, is special. The bubble has burst and I found out that is also my half-brother.

In an attempt to cope from my recent breakup, I figured that it would be helpful to tap some support systems near the area. I called Champ up to visit Tagum City (my hometown) and promised to introduce him to our older sister, grandmother, and people that he should have known as part of his birth right. I toured him around the city and shared family stories while driving the car.

I also called Giovanni up to meet his newly found brother. Our older sister – Karen – was busy with her kid so the three of us spent the night together. We had dinner in some nice restaurant and headed to a videoke bar where we spent the night sharing our stories, feelings, and happiness that somehow another puzzle piece became clear in our lives.

I opened up myself and they gave support despite the fact that my stories are different since I am gay. They were proud of me for standing for a good decision and sympathized with the pain I am currently bearing. All my inner conflicts, past or current, came to a pause of peace with my brothers. It was totally a night to remember for the three of us and I am glad that I was the key for the reunion.

Somehow, another chapter of our lives was opened now that the bond between us was formally made. Today, Giovanni will be getting married to his long-time girlfriend and we are reunited once more for this event. I will be the best man later (or best woman as I always cry out) and I only wish the couple the best of luck for their newest adventure!

Alone and Missing Home

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Thu, 28 May 2009 08:04:00 +0000

Yesterday was my only-gay-best-friend’s birthday. Whenever I think of Caesar’s situation being alone in Pampanga and spending his special day far from family and real friends, I can’t help but recall the trials I have encountered during the times I felt alone in Baguio.

To feel alone does not necessarily have to be physical. It is purely subjective whatever the cause may be! Despite the fact that I had people who tried and are willing to keep me company and/or at least make me smile, I can only remember how everything seemed blank and futile in my eyes.

I have realized that there is a slight, if not big, difference between “just missing home” and “officially missing home”. To just miss home is what I felt when I was having my internship in far away hospitals. It is to miss with pure innocence. It is automatic and a form of regression back to our infancy and childhood when we used to feel the inner need for home that contained the basic love, trust, and safety.

On the other hand, officially missing home is everything stated above with the addition of utmost concern to the point worry. As long as these thoughts are not delusional, inevitably thinking of home is a struggle for survival. This occurred to me when I was living in Baguio.

During the times that I faced threats to my ego, safety, and general welfare, I could only think of being silent and nonreactive to avoid these threats from intensifying. Indeed, major problems including issues that I and my partner (ex-bf) had were no longer on the surface but unfortunately, they were also left unresolved. I was creating a vacuum within me and lost a lot of things. I lost my assertiveness and had to relearn it. I lost my self-esteem and had to reflect on my worth. I almost lost self-respect and could only think of one thing – ESCAPE! I wanted to be back to my comfort zone. I wanted to be back to home.

Now I ask myself how I survived those dilemmas. Probably it was the promise I made to my family and friends that I will go back home in one peace. Probably it was the newly built support system I had in my masters’ classes in the university. But, I guess it was my inner strength and the prayers I made that fostered the strength are what count the most.

During nights of fear and terror, I slept with a rosary tied in my hands and knew then that God offered another yet special kind of home. Every time I woke up in the morning clenching the beads of my little rosary, I no longer felt alone.

The Break-up

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Tue, 26 May 2009 06:36:00 +0000

I must say that one of the strongest motivation I had in starting all over with this new blog is the recent break-up I had with Dale (my ex boyfriend, and I repeat.... my ex boyfriend). A new blog would definitely be perfect, not in staining anybody's reputation nor put blame on whosoever but, to share and be constantly reminded of how I was able to pick myself up and be in the faith that this is only but one of the crosses I must bear in this lifetime.

The most important thing at this point I guess is the thought that at the end of the day, everything becomes a learning experience on me and on everybody else. Fate has her own way of teaching us all sorts of lessons in life may it be through the easy way or the hardest and most painful way ever. Sometimes, we fail to extract the gist from the incident and oftentimes, we even refuse it. We refuse to learn! One can blame the ego and pride if they feel that this is the only thing they have left but whether this is deniable or not, those who fail to learn are doomed to repeat the painful process all over again.

Enough with fate. Now, does this have any psychiatric implication? A component of our personality called the "unconscious" is a dump of all good and bad things that happened in the past that we can no longer recall. The need of the unconscious oftentimes reflect in our choices - the color of our shoes, the size of the car, whether you fence your house or not, and even on the choice of boyfriends/girlfriends. I know a lot who has relatively been into a number of relationships that ended into disappointments. You can go ahead and blame the other parties should you wish to but, if you take a closer look on your self, you will find out that the unconscious might have something to do with it. In its attempt to resolve the hidden conflicts (which is almost impossible), one has a tendency to choose someone who will eventually break-up with him/her in the long run. I remind you that this choice is not conscious but rather unconscious.

The chain of repeated negative experiences will eventually carry on until you do something to stop it. But How?

First, you need to find acceptance within yourself that you have a contribution to the situation
Second, be aware of the pattern of these negative experiences
Third, Identify the NEED that the unconscious is trying to fulfill with the choices that you make
Fourth, Cut the chain. Redivert the need
Fifth, CHANGE for the better.

The five steps I have formulated is simply the process of LEARNING in its valid sense. You can claim you've learned your lesson and tell everybody about it but the truth of the matter is that you really haven't learned a thing. We should keep in mind that the most important thing is not what you tell others but what you tell your self.Before you convince others, first you must convince yourself.

Going back to the break-up. Well, It's over and done now and moving on means more than saying "I've moved on!". It is a process that involves Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and ultimately acceptance (Kubler-Ross). The most important key factor in healing and moving on is TIME. Right now, my need for a new partner and a new relationship is not yet a FELT NEED. Thus, I have decided to take an entire year to grieve plus another year for preparation for the next relationship and basically focus into other aspects of my life that I neglected when I was in a relationship with Dale. I need to take time to preserve what's left in me until it naturally blooms back to fullness.

Again, I don't want to convince others that I've moved on... First, I must convince myself.

Ten Ways to Make Better Decisions

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Sun, 24 May 2009 14:04:00 +0000

The welfare of our lives are mostly dictated by how we make Decisions, Decisions, Decisions! We make decisions almost every day - from the small ones (decaf or espresso?) to the big life-changing more-confusing ones (espresso or decaf?!?!). We try not to boo-boo our way to bonkerville with wrong decisions. Read on...

1. DONT FEAR THE CONSEQUENCES We are afraid of the results of our decisions. (You can say that again). We are afraid of the... alright, sheesh! We are lead into wrong decisions because we are afraid to fail, lose, or be hurt at the end. It's like go playing safe and rather not getting all the good stuff than choose to do something and get the junky bad stuff. Sometimes I am like "Forget about the underground parking lot. Let's park somewhere safe (yet far)". I was shit sweating when I got to the mall. Bummer!

2. GO WITH YOUR GUT Instincts rock!! Hell yeah! sometimes the first choice that enters your mind has a bigger chance of ending up to be the best decision! Just call it the instinctive snap decision.

3. CONSIDER YOUR EMOTIONS Did someone ever tell you that you make the best and most rationale decisions when you are under the clouds of depression? Well, i'm telling you now so don't forget it. Depressed people have the most realistic take on the world thus termed 'depressive realism'. All emotions affect our thinking and motivation, so it may be best to avoid making important decisions under their influence

4. PLAY THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE To make good decisions, you need to do more than latch on to facts and figures that you like best. Admittedly, searching for evidences that could prove you wrong is a painful process. So don't be a stubborn asshole kid! Don't choose to hear what you want to in making decisions or else end up a dork. Choose with humility and with a little less dogmatically.

5. KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL It's a special holiday sale at the mall and you go rushing (oh, dont forget to wear your undies you sale-freak you) to buy stuffs which prices are "reduced". You compare the current price to the old price and you get a ringing in your ears for a good bargain. You hand over the card *kashiiiiing!!*, and end up with another wrong decision because it turns out that what you bought is still expensive in absolute terms and you are already out-of-budget. Bottomline? Keep our decisions from being attached to irrelevant fact and figures... Focus!

6. BEWARE OF SOCIAL PRESSURE No on is immune to that eeeveeel social pressure! Admit it, we make decisions and consider what others think about it. Beware of situations in which you have little individual responsibility - that's when you make irresponsible choices. If you suspect that you're making a choice because you think that it's what others (your boss, parents, boyfriend, etc) would want, then think again.

7. LOOK AT IT ANOTHER WAY I admit that I would rather buy snacks that are "90 per cent fat free" than those with "10 per cent fat"... Don't be a goof, they're just basically the same! Look at your options from more than one angle and avoid rushing or being hell impulsive in making the right choices.

8. DON'T CRY OVER SPILT MILK The more we invest in something, the more commitment we feel towards it even if it's already not a good idea to continue. Don't count the wastage, just choose what you think is best!

9. LIMIT YOUR OPTIONS You get more pleasure choosing from 5 different ice cream flavors than from 20. More choice makes more demands on your information-processing skills, and the process can be confusing and time-consuming. Greater choices also has greater chances of making a mistake so you may feel less satisfied because of a fear that you've missed a better opportunity.

10. HAVE SOMEONE ELSE CHOOSE Sometimes, people not involved in the decision-making-pressure have a better view of stuffs so maybe it's time you relinguish your drag queen crown and let others choose for you...

Blog Resettlement

noreply@blogger.com (mckhoii) — Sun, 24 May 2009 12:42:00 +0000

About the Blog

Welcome to Forward Push!!! It took me a very long time to finally muster all that idea and drive to create the blog that I was planning on making a long time ago and yes, here it is! My old blog www.mckhoii.com is still in service but from now on i will be more devoted to my new blog which I believe will cross more borders in touching lives by letting people see other dimensions that the heart and even the brain find hard to decipher. Life is nothing but a mere collection of thinking stops to make our choices. It is inevitable to fall and stumble down. Life is unfair and that is a fact. But, will you let cruelty win everytime you encouter it? There is a mass need for everyone to move forward in life. This blog is not just for the weak, nor is it just for the strong. This is simply for those who need a forward push! Welcome to my website!

About the Author

I am an angel stripped of wings against my will, strengthened with ceaseless chastisement, deafened by castigation, held prisoner in the dungeon of pain, torment, and tears. I laugh when anguished severely and cry miserably when exposed to authentic bliss. Yes, I am ambivalently neurotic but utterly unconfirmed schizophrenic. I can inflict death if provoked. Rat racers, dogs in a manger, backseat drivers, especially barefaced liars must all observe proper time, distance and shielding upon face to face encounters to avert from the radioactively foul element of my persona. (And get shame for Chrissakes!) I am a repeated passing fancy to a lot who remain blinded by despicable superficiality and unresolved past issues, but to those who would rather feel than just see, I sparkle as bright as an everlasting star. My histrionically boisterous nature has caused grouchy others to believe that I am a sadistic monster, meanwhile to some I remain the awaited bearer of delight, even the sole spring of what seemed to be a hopeless smile. Influence is one faculty I abusively operate and I can manipulate with either charisma or vile coercion in politically or emotionally taking gullible fools to another planet. My philosophies in life are free to plagiarize and although resilient, I still consider dying for my integrity a non-recommended yet worthwhile phenomenon. My existence is sculpted by music and I am oftentimes caught drowning in the sea of notes and rousing lines. Without it, I am a zombie. I am the superstar of my very own fairy tale and I summon the colors of magic in candid words, earnest caring, and plain sweet romance. I extract more joy living alone than in faking my way into a bogus relationship. I guarantee utmost devotion as long as it is real. When I am in love, I mean business and when I say I mean business, I can exploit brains and even brute force to fight for my man! (Intruders beware and, oooh, don’t you even think about it)The kid who once dreamt of conquering the world is still stuck in my body and he has an irrepressible penchant for neat novels, anime/cartoons, and mouthwatering super dark chocolates. I am a bona fide lacto-ovo vegetarian and an obsessed possessor of a sweet tooth. Albeit denied of a godlike physique like Apollo’s, my skills and intellect appraised with 3 dozens of medals and trophies have catapulted beyond the counterweight of what I lack. I am driven towards evolution into a divine champ of perfection in the splendid nirvana but until then, I am lain rested into the hands of those who wish to enjoy my earthly human presence.

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