For Nine Pounds - An Analogue Blog

Merry Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 25 Dec 2010 04:27:00 +0000

Well the subject line says it all really. I want to wish the readers of this blog, many who are also friends and family (who will also have to put up with this message in several formats) a very very Merry Christmas.

I hope you all have a great day, that Santa has bought you lots of goodies, and that your time with loved ones is stress and argument free.

The mutts and I will be out later braving the cold and remembering departed friends and companions as we stroll round. Then we will pig out and quaff liquids in vast quantities until we are fit to bursting, followed by trying to burst ourselves with chocolates and other snacky bits while watching some movies and playing video games.

Have a great day folks.

-- Could be remote blogging or just too lazy to fire up laptop/Macbook/netbook. But still this has been posted from my iPhone 4.

Mr Ward

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 18:27:00 +0000

As adults I think we can all look back and name favourite teachers from our school days.

For me it’s Mrs Miller, Miss Rose, Mr Page and Mrs Page (his wife also one of my teachers, although some prefered Mrs Lamb – who never did it for me) and Mr Brooks. But I think the one that had most influence was from when I was doing my A Levels and that was Mr Ward.

Mr Ward was my computer science tutor. I’m not sure how old he was, he had white hair and a bushy white beard. So I had no clues there. Let’s say that he was over 50 to be on the safe side. Mr Ward drove a vauxhaul cavilier (mid eighties model) which he drove to and from work each day (remember that car it’s important later). He also had a habit of taking snuff. Which oddly seems out of fashion these days.

The A level class I was in was a massive three students in size, and I was top dog in that group (although there was a more talented programmer in the following year behind me – Paul). If you haven’t been top dog in a class then you don’t know what you are missing. It’s a great experience.

Mr Ward treated us with respect and encouraged us to improve. He taught us not just the fundamentals of computing and programming, but also passed on his experience of the computer industry. Mr Ward had been involved in it in the early days. The early days when computers filled buildings, when there was punched tape and hard drives were massive expensive devices holding several kilobytes of data.

When it came to doing the actually A level exams, Mr Ward said if I didn’t pass the A level he would run me over next time he saw me crossing the road. It was hard to tell if he was joking or not. But I only got a pass grade in one A level, can you guess which one it was? Yep Computer Science, I think the threat to my life somehow sharpened my focus. That or it was a subject I really enjoyed and liked.

Looking back I think those A Level classes were some of the best days of my life.

But even after leaving collage and going off to Polytechnic to do an HND in Computer Studies, I still returned back to visit Mr Ward (as did Paul), on several occasions.

Now twenty four years later his memory is still with me, and more so these days than ever. Because now I too will be following in his footsteps, and changing career to become a lecturer teaching what we call ICT these days, but back in the day we would of called it computing.

I can only aspire to be as good a teacher as Mr Ward was. But I will carry on the tradition that he started twenty four years ago.

I don’t know what became of Mr Ward, but if he is up there in the great data processing centre in the sky (thnx for that Paul) that he is looking down, and sees that his legacy is carrying on, just before getting his snuff box out, taking a good pinch between finger and thumb, putting it on the back of his hand, and then sniffing it up.

Why I Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 19:27:00 +0000

Sometimes I get asked why I blog. And the regular answer I give is because I enjoy it. I enjoy writing. I enjoy the sharing, the comments. It also fuels my passion for which ever subject I'm blogging on, whether that is the outdoors, video games or tech/gadgets.
But that isn't the whole story as to why I blog.
There is a personal reason to. Which is one of legacy. A legacy to my son Nath. The hope is one day he will look back through my ramblings and learn a bit more about his old man.
With that I hope he will feel closer and understand me more. And when I'm no longer on this world I hope it gives him comfort and something he can show his kids.
Then again he pay look at it all briefly and think "what a load of bollux, that wasn't dad".
Then again what I've written just now could be a load of crap. And is just me trying to justify and cover up for the fact I have verbal direahea (sp?) and talk bollux.
But what ever you decide my motivation is, I've just stolen a couple of minutes of your life you'll never get back. Maybe that's my cunning plan... Just call me The Joker.......

-- Could be remote blogging or just too lazy to fire up laptop/Macbook/netbook. But still this has been posted from my iPhone 4.

Reality check

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 18:31:00 +0000

Sometimes reality had a way of smashing it's way through and breaking any illusions you may have.
Having to sign my divorce papers is just one of those times.
Any hopes I may of harboured of getting back together shattered with the few pen strokes that make up my signiture.
It hurts more now than it did when she left. Back then there was a glimmer of hope. Maybe she'll change her mind.
But the divorce papers have a way of say "no she hadn't".
Friends, family and even her say I should move on. But it's hard I don't want to, I still love her.
But that love died in her for me. What stings is that what we had wasn't worth trying to save. Strangely she can't tell me what she did to try and rekindle the feelings herself. She didn't try. And that cuts so deep.
There are stories and folk tales of dogs that waited for years at the spot where their owner died refusing to move, waiting for the owner to return. That's me really refusing to move on, hoping she will return realising she still loved me.
I can't just switch off that love. I married the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
So I'll be a tortured soul, and the world had better watch out as I vent my anger on the world in the form of humour and rants at the stuff that annoys me. So business as usual then...

-- Could be remote blogging or just too lazy to fire up laptop/Macbook/netbook. But still this has been posted from my iPhone 3G.

Brown: My Part In His Downfall

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 23 May 2010 06:46:00 +0000

It can’t of been missed that here in the UK recently we had a General Election. For those not familiar with the what one is the basic description of one is as follows: A General Election is when politicians pretend to listen to the public (also at this time known as the voter or gullible) in exchange for the public pretending to give a dam about the lies told to them by the said politician. But it doesn’t stop there because it also requires the public to also suspend their disbelief and start to believe that their vote actually counts, and that we have a democratic process. When in fact it doesn’t matter who you voted for, the politicians are all the same and just out to claw and clamour their way to power at anyone's expense while lining their own pockets at our expense.

It was interesting to hear the results come in during the night. Especially when it was obvious that the UK public had finally seen sense and rejected Gordon Brown (my arch enemy).

But Gordon and Labour being so thick skinned and evil, and using some reality distortion field, seemed to be under the impression that the voter hadn’t just delivered a great big kick in the bollux to them.

Well as Brown tried every last trick to cling to the power he so much craved and needed (he is a power sucking incubus you know), it was obvious to us all he was not just a wounded animal that needed putting out of his misery (it needed doing with extreme prejudice and as messily and violent as possible, nothing humane about it), I started to celebrate the downfall of my deadliest arch foe ever.

As documented elsewhere on this blog, Brown and I had been embraced in a deadly battle. A battle he had been winning. Well he would, he had the whole of the British Government behind him. If this had been a boxing match, I think we would of said that before the election I was on the mat, struggling to get up after repeatedly receiving knock out blows, my face covered in cuts and blood, eyes barely open from the constant barrage of punches to the face. Then when the ref wasn’t looking Brown would put the boot in to while I was on the floor.

It was close, real close, Brown had nearly defeated me for good.

Then as I watched the British (so called) Democratic Process finally manage to loosen Brown’s vice like grip on the door frame at Number 10, so that he could be dragged kicking and screaming out in to the street, my celebrations went up several levels.

My own reality field started to distort, suddenly the tv images of Brown leaving Number 10 melted in to the Wizard of Oz. Number 10 was now on top of Brown, with only his feet showing. The Press where singing Ding Dong! Brown is Dead. But we still had the problem of getting the red size 10’s off Browns dead feet. Bud my three legged dog was Toto.

And that is basically all I remember until about last Thursday. I’ve been on one hell of a celebratory bender. Imagine like The Hangover (it’s a funny movie go rent it) but going on for a lot longer and not in Las Vegas.

I’m still trying to patch things together. But I think I’ve been married and divorced three times, done every depraved sexual act possible with several women of questionable virtues, consumed enough alcohol and drugs to keep Keith Richards going for an afternoon (yep that’s a hell of a lot), somehow get the number one spot on Interpol and the FBI’s most wanted list, and I think I’m not sure of, lived my fantasy of Heather Graham and Angelina Jolie together with me. But I can’t definitely be sure of that last one, they claimed that was their real names.

So as I try and piece to together the last few days and make sense of this brave new world, I will have to see how the Witch of the East aka Cameron and his side kick the Wizard aka Clegg handle the rebuild of Oz and all the damage that the Wicked Brown has done. I just pray they don’t decide to pick up where Brown left off, the bruises haven’t healed yet.

Banned Ad

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 18 May 2010 10:51:00 +0000

Apparently the FT wont run this ad…

A Rare Political Post

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 15:37:00 +0000

So did you catch the “historical” tv debate between the leaders of the three main political parties in the UK? I didn’t, I listened to it on the radio instead. The picture quality is better. Plus listening to the debate I was able to see Brown for what he really is and not have that image perverted by the reality distortion field that the rest of you are fooled by.

Listening to the debate I was a bit confused about who the third voice was. I recognised the voices of Brown (cnut) and Cameron (worm tongue) but the third one couldn’t of been Clegg. Why? Well it appeared every time Brown opened his mouth he was speaking for Clegg. Every time it was either Clegg and him agreed, or thought the same thing. It was very clear he was speaking for Clegg. So I assumed that Clegg had been struck dumb or something. So who was that third voice? It can’t of been Clegg else he would of told Brown to feck off and that he could speak for himself. Although with Brown speaking like that it did make it sound like Brown and Clegg were a gay couple.

If that was the case which would be the giver and which the taker? Well based on the fact Brown as a Chancellor and PM just takes, takes, takes I think we have our answer to that question.

During the debate Brown kept trying to get the point over that Cameron would be taking over £6 billion out of the UK economy at a time when it was needed to help it recover. Yet Brown and his short memory seems to forget he took out hundreds of billions out of the economy to line the pockets of his banking friends when we the public needed the money even more during the recession, and then handed the bill over to us to pay. But at least when Brown is dethroned at the next election he will have a cushy board job with his banking mates to fall back on, and the golden good bye, and multi million pound pension.

And yes we all know that the Tories are taking money from big business, but at least they are taking it and not giving it (at the moment, although we have very little left to give after Brown has been robbing us for so long).

Don’t get me on the Lib Dems. Shills of the BPI. Which party in the House of Lords just did a cut and paste from a letter from the BPI that is now law? Yep the Lib Dems. Mind you it is a BPI spokesman (ex) that is running as a prospective Labour candidate in this election. You thought China or North Korea was bad? Just wait until the BPI has finished perverting the democratic system and basic rights in law.

But I’m going to end it there I could easily go on and on. I have a lot of hate to let out about these politicians. Hate you don’t want to hear. We all know that politicians are thievin’ lying scum only out to line their own pockets at our expense. And that every four years or so they have to fain interest and pretend to listen to us, yet like dogs all they hear when we speak is “blah blah blah blah”. They have no intention of doing anything that will benefit us,unless it is also in their financial interest.

Oops I promised to have stopped, I’m getting as bad as an MP in breaking promises.

Laters…

Happy Easter

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 16:25:00 +0000

No matter what your religious believes are, it doesn't change the fact we are in the middle of a religious holiday. So I'm going to wish you a happy Easter.
But if we remove the religious imagery one of the images that says Easter to me is that of the daffodil.
So here are a couple of photos taken on my iPhone of the 'wild' fenland daffs.

There are also cultivated ones as well.

-- Could be remote blogging or just too lazy to fire up laptop/Macbook/netbook. But still this has been posted from my iPhone 3G.

Sophie Dahl I Have Seen Your Future

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 20:47:00 +0000

This very pretty young lady (god that makes me sound old) is Sophie Dahl, grand daughter to that Roald Dahl, model, author and one of the beautiful people, has her first cookery program starting on the BBC this month.

But I have a warning for her. Make this your last cookery program or your future could be this:

Ms Lawson used to be as slender as Ms Dahl. But after several cookery tv series now has an arse wider than a three double decker buses. And a chest that has snow on it most of the year.

Which if we are to believe Ms Lawson from her Nigella Express series can be explained away from the fact that she has flasks of soup stashed away in her handbag, next to flasks of smoothies. Oh and not forgetting that when she makes food as presents for her friends it doesn’t make the taxi ride to the friends. That’s right Ms Lawson scoffs it all.

I’m not even going to go on about the big smug factor that seems to have been developed by Ms Lawson.

So Sophie please please you may be able to cook up a meal of delights that would make a man forget about trying to take you upstairs.

But stop with this series and keep that amazing figure of yours. Don’t become the next fat arse Nigella.

Kate Moss YSL Ad Gives Me The Horn

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 16:30:00 +0000

and if it doesn’t do the same for you then you are either dead from the waist down or kiss men. She is HOT HOT HOT in this ad. In fact just thinking about it now I can feel a warm tingle below.

But if you are wondering what all the fuss is about take a look at the following youtube clip of the ad with Ms Moss in it. While you are watching that I’ll be in the bathroom. What? I have a weak bladder <cough>.

Know who else gives me the horn? Winona Ryder from her 2002 shoplifting trial. She looked so vulnerable during that trial. Her whole look just said designed to give the Judge and the jury the horn. How did the men in the court room not have to disappear off to the toilets every 5 minutes? Heck I’m starting to tingle again…

Oh two tingly feelings below in one blog post. Wow if I had this while I was married may be I’d still be married.

This has been a poor attempt at a tribute to Derek & Clive. They were true comedy greats, heroes of mine, and I think the world is worse off without them in it lighting it up.

Exclusive: Cheryl Cole's Mensa Membership Photo Revealed

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 13:57:00 +0000

And a big thanks to News Media Images for letting me use the image.

geocaching

noreply@blogger.com (amateurblogman) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

so.. i thought id do a blog on geocaching. for those of you that might follow me on twitter you may have read me going on about it,for those of you who dont here we go lol.
so what is it, well its basically a high tec tresure hunt using handheld GPS, IPHONE, BLACKBERRY,
to find hidden boxes (caches) around the world. caches can be any size from as small as the height of a penny to as large as you can hide. they are hidden by other cachers mostly in places of interest or places where they will be hard to find without getting rumbled by passers by, inside the cache there will be a log book to sign and date when you where there along with some little trinket items or swaps as they are called,the idea is if you remove a swap u replace it with one of your own. on top of this there maybe items called travel bugs or geocoins inside these items have a little dog tag attached which has a number onit from this you go to the website which will give you the info you need telling you what its mission is.
once youve dont all this found your cache etc you log your find on the web www.geocaching.com its free to join and great fun for all the family. and i bet theres ones near you you prob walk by them everyday and dont even know it.

good luck

Short Pieces

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 14:16:00 +0000

Wow it's been a little while since I posted on here. Seems I'm the only one these days. Hopefully the other contributors will post something soon to save you from my mad ramblings.
I mean you know who I hate and why. You know that Gordon Brown is out to get me and that he has been prepared to sacrifice the Western economy to do that. But you probably need a break from me. Or at least some one to post between my delusional rants.

I mean do you really want me to write about how I was disgusted with Gordon Brown's latest "please vote for me" campaign. I mean come on he comes across as one of those drunk wife beaters that having beaten the shit out of the spouse in a drunken rage, begs for forgiveness the next morning promising never to do it again, with his "take another look at Labour". I just hope that the British electorate is not as stupid as those abused spouses who take back that wife beater, believing those lies.
I mean on the Labour website they have a campaign going at the moment where they want people to submit photos showing how Labour have changed the country. I'd love folks to post pictures of all the closed factories and businesses because Brown fecked us over. He thought it was a good idea to save the jobs and necks of his pals in the City, yet let's the common man get made redundant left right and centre (heck he is letting the North East potentially go into economic meltdown), and does nothing about it. But then again it's his City pals that will give him that cushy position on the board once the cnut gets kicked out of power. So what do we expect from the corrupt?

Or would you prefer I write about now that Cheryl Cole has dumped cheating scumbag Ashley Cole that she should come visit me. Oh don't get me wrong I'd jump her bones if given the chance. But that wouldn't be the reason why. I'd like to let her get her life in perspective and see the shit hole of a mess that my life is. Which there are also a lot of people in a similar situation. I think once she is shown things in context that her situation although emotional painful is not that big a deal in the scale of things. And if she wants to receive or give a sympathy knee trembler afterwards then I'm up for it.

i have a life mate

noreply@blogger.com (amateurblogman) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 00:59:00 +0000

So there you are on a monday evening 3 minutes to 6 and waiting on the "beep beep" of your watch so you can get home from a long day at work. and some asshole comes in and asks "what time ya close mate" in there thick country accent, most ordinary folk have went home to let us people in retail get to ours. yes i know we are open for a service etc etc,but 3 minutes to 6 is taking the piss. "i need a shirt for goin' out ta' night" he says to which i reply "casual or formal", "ack its only for takin' her for somfin to eat" casual then it is ya cheap git. so i show him to the shirts "what about this one" i say "and what size you looking" "oh large will do me mate", yeah right in dreams chubby last time you seen large was on a mc donalds wrapper. in this time the "beep beep" has gone and the other staff are giving me the "we're away home nod",no point us all wasting time as numpty looks at new shirts. "aye ill take dat mate hope im not keeping ya back like" he says as we walk to the till "ah no sure im here till 6" i said looking at my watch, knowing its 10 past, "im in no hurry"

Don't get me wrong i dont mind my job i quite like it. But there's always one person that'll keep 10 people back just because being open 7 days a week isnt enough.

As you may have/haven't noitced this is only my second blog fgirst one didnt go to well did it lol anyway im here now get over yourselves lol, forgive my spelling and bad grammer. hopefully it will improve after reading others on here and a few i other places i will be posting more often.

You Know Who Else I Hate? Ashley Cole

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 19:47:00 +0000

yep the post title says it all really. Here is a man married to a very attractive woman. Yet somehow the twat feels a need to cheat on her with other women.
It wasn't bad enough that he did it once and got caught. But it now appears he has been caught again playing away!
What's up with the guy? He had one mission in life once he married Cheryl Cole. To keep her mouth full anyway he could so that she no longer recorded another piece of crap music again. Instead he decided that this mission, one that many red blooded men would of died for, was not good enough for him. He really is a selfish cnut.
But maybe Cheryl Cole is having the last laugh on Ashley Cole in the Elvive advert on tv when she says "Weak, limp,lifeless..." is she talking shampoo or telling us what Ashley is really like between the covers?

I do see a trend with the Chelsea squad. Ashley Cole cheats on wife, Frank Lampard cheats on wife, John Terry cheats on wife. Something in the Chelsea shower water I assume.
To complete the picture I am painting I do hear that Drogba is very popular with the young ladies right up to the point that they realise that he does not go down off the pitch anywhere as close to as much as he does on the pitch or as easily.

Raymond Blanc Is A C**t Too

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 20:33:00 +0000

Raymond Blanc is a right c**t. No the French chef really is. I've just seen the BBC pimping out his new tv series Raymond Blanc's Kitchen Secrets starting on the 15th February.
What the feckin use is that? Valentines Day is the day before. The men in the UK need the knowledge now so on the big day we can impress that special person with our cullinery skills in the kitchen.
But noooo Raymond is being c**tish by keeping the knowledge we need to himself until after we need it.
I know what he is upto. Oh yes I know what his oh so not so cunning plan is.
It's a cunning French plot to spoil the British males chances of getting some Valentine Day action.
He's hoping that by making us flops in the kitchen that we will be flops in the bedroom. Well I have news for Mr Blanc I don't need his help to make me look a flop in the bedroom. I can do a pretty good job of that all by myself thank you very much.
Do we really want tossers like Jamie Oliver being the only ones getting some action on the 14th, because the know the secret of keeping their souffles up?

You can probably tell this post is the follow up to the ever popular blog post I wrote about Santa at Christmas.

Liar Liar Your Pants Are On Fire Luke Byrne

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 18:15:00 +0000

I have to apologise to regular readers here. When I first joined this blogging community I started off with light hearted fluff. But recently I have been getting more serious in the posts and the subject matter that they cover. Sadly with my blood boiling once more I feel the need to rant about what is on my mind.

After reading “In response to Irish Mail on Sunday” I was disgusted. I’ve chatted with Melanie Schregardus on twitter, and I read her posts. I can tell you the way Luke Byrne (@Lukezo on Twitter) has portrayed her in his hatchet job that sparked Melanie’s post (the link above) is the complete polar opposite to how she really is.

So often the journalistic profession beats the drum about how amateurish bloggers are. That they don’t check facts, they are written badly, etc etc blah blah blah.

Yet here we have yet another example of how the “professional” journalist really works. Ok how Mr Bryne works anyway. I really don’t want to start smearing a whole profession because of one or two bad eggs.

It’s funny really because since his story went to print and out to the public in todays paper Mr Bryne has locked his Twitter account. Why would he feel the need to do that? Maybe he knows that a shit storm is coming his way. He must realise that by quoting stuff totally out of context, false reporting, and basically assassinating an innocents good name, it will all come back to haunt him.

Yes there is the whole fair use thing for the quoting from the blog post. But I’m sure that doesn’t cover distorting what was actually said and meant and using it totally out of context.

It’s probably why he has locked his twitter account. He doesn’t want folks to quote him out of context and distorting his words, and doing a similar job on him as he has tried doing to Melanie.

There is a saying that goes something like “what goes around, comes around” (I hope I got that the right way round, I usually never do). Some religions believe in karma. Another saying is that “payback is a bitch”. I just hope that justice is swift in this case. That Mr Bryne gets what is coming to him.

I fail to see how he can remain employed when it is known that his journalistic integrity is none existent. But then MP’s are still in a job after being caught with their hands in the cookie jar. So I’m not holding my breath over this one.

Sadly I know that usually when a paper has to print a retraction or apology they do it in as small a font as they can get away with, and bury it on some page near the back of the paper. It is a shame that they can’t be forced to print the apology etc in an equally prominent way.

Luckily in this day and age with the bloggersphere and other outlets the record can be set straight quickly online. It just means that for the justice bit we have to rely on the old system. Here’s hoping that they do the right thing and slap Mr Byrne down.

Guilt Factor

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 17:50:00 +0000

The other night one of the folks I follow on that echo box called Twitter tweeted the following:

“Know what will make one stop feeling sorry for themselves? Reading about Haiti.”

So I replied:

“not if u r homeless or unemployed & living on handouts struggling to live it wont”

When I woke up I had the following responses back:

“there are children starving &hurt, injured trapped in crumbled bldgs w/no hope 4 rescue, there is always someone worse off.”

“they have no WATER, even, in many places. any homeless person in the US can get themselves a glass of water.”

“Update from Haiti: "People with broken limbs were so numb they don't cry"”

Oh my blood is boiling over this.

But before I dive off the deep end and upset people. Let me state for the record that Haiti is a massive disaster and the price in human life that has been paid, the suffering that is going on with the survivors, is truly beyond words. (On a side note once more the international community are demonstrating that they are not capable of organising a piss up at a brewery let alone get desperately needed aid to the survivors.)

Right now on to upsetting folks…

If your sitting at home deciding “do I pay the bills this week or eat?”, maybe the debt collectors are knocking at your door, or your biggest decision of the day is which doorway or alleyway do I sleep in tonight, do you really need some self righteous git telling you to stop feeling sorry for yourself because there are worse off out there?

In case you are wondering and weighing up the pros and cons of the argument, let me give you a big hint. The answer is NO.

I’m not saying that folks in the circumstances described are heartless or shouldn’t care, they will be shocked, horrified by the images coming out of Haiti. They will also feel empathy for the survivors and their struggle to live through the aftermath.

The last thing we need are sanctimonious twats sitting in their smug comfortable towers, looking down on the less fortunate and preaching to them.

There was only one reason for that initial tweet. It wasn’t to inform people of the horrors that have happened, or of the struggle to exist by the survivors. No it was a plain and simple attempt to make folks feel guilty. As were the follow up tweets,which were meant to make me feel guilty for even voicing dissent against the first tweet they did.

I hate these guilt trips that they try to play on people. I really do. Luckily for me I am an insensitive bastard that is already suffering for past crimes against humanity in a previous life (feck does this mean in my next life I’m going to suffer even more? Will I not learn? Looks not.)

If all you have to add to the discussion is playing the guilt factor like this, then I have something to say to you. Shut the feck up and listen to the conversation between the adults, and try and learn something.

I’d like to close on a positive note, and say how much I admire those that are raising money to help those in Haiti. Whether it is by passing on info on how to donate and where, to those that are doing sponsored events.

How Stupid Do You Think I Am Brown?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 19:02:00 +0000

Sometimes you read a news headline and you think “I bloody knew it”. I had one of those moments when I read the following headline on the BBC website “PM targets 'middle class voters'”.

Suddenly my years of feeling persecuted by Brown (read all about Why Does Gordon Brown Hate Me? or as it should of been entitled Gordon Brown and his part in my downfall) seemed verified. At last others were acknowledging what a hate monger Brown was to a whole section of society. Ok it wasn’t the complete acknowledgement of guilt that I wanted. I’d of preferred something that was less general and more specific like “PM targets Darren”.

But it’s a start I thought in the healing process. Suddenly I felt less paranoid and delusional. As my hands reached for the phone to dial my ex to let her know I hadn’t been completely round the bend during our years of marriage, I thought I better read the article.

“What the feck?” This wasn’t an admission of how Brown had been picking the hard earned cash from peoples pockets in hidden taxes (well not so hidden as more smoke and mirrors) for years as Chancellor of the Exchequer like a sophisticated Artful Dodger. There was nothing artful about the way Brown operated. Brown picked the middle classes pockets like a clumsy and crude teenager trying to get into the pants of his first girlfriend.

This was an article about how Brown was trying to court the middle classes to vote for him in the up and coming general election. Brown was expecting these people to forget the years of larceny he has committed in his positions of power. He wants them to come to him after having a beating and say “please sir may I have another?”

He’s spent billions bailing out his banker buddies, and happily does nothing to bail out joe public. He just lumbers joe public with the bill. But then I guess that is only natural we won’t be offering him a seat on the board once he gets kicked out of office. But we have to ignore that fact and vote for him apparently.

In Browns myopic world his relationship with the British public is that of owner and puppy. Where he is the owner that kicks the puppy in angry fits (also known as budget statements) and expects the puppy to come back wagging it’s tail.

Well it’s time that the puppy turned and bit it’s master. So in the spirit of last years Christmas number one I hope the the British people will join me in saying “Feck you I’m not doing what you tell me”.

Snake Oil By Any Other Name

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 21:25:00 +0000

What the mutha feckin heck is a “word of mouth specialist”? Is that a posh way of describing a hooker that only does blow jobs?

Why do I ask? Well that is how some-one described themselves in their twitter profile.

I was checking them out after they asked “is there anything that you do like? at least something is being done...” after I had made the following comment to some-one else “I was going 2 say there is no good taste in Farnborough just bad planning decisions ;)”.

[Side note: the some-one else agreed with me about the more town planning in Farnborough is crap]

I did respond to their question with “well I did like it when they were knocking large chunks of it down”. Which apparently is harsh!

But seriously “word of mouth specialist”? Can we stop with these pretentious self important twatish names please?

You’re not fooling anyone, a snake oil salesman is a snake oil salesman whether you call yourself a “social media guru” or “word of mouth specialist”.

I’m going to leave you with a clip of the genius of Bill Hicks (miss ya Bill the world needs you more than ever) and his plea to folks in advertising/marketing which I feel goes doubly to the “social media guru” or “word of mouth specialist”.

Children of the Revolution

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 18:09:00 +0000

join me in the counter revolution I am planning. What will we be revolting against? I’ve not got that far in the planning. But whatever it is it’ll be big. The odds will be against us, with plenty of opportunities for pointless suicide missions that prove the futility of the struggle.

I think the recruitment videos for this counter revolution should be shot by a scandinavian director. They seem to have a thing for shooting their films in black and white, and getting over to the audience a bleakness that just makes you want to slit your wrists.

So where will the headquarters of this counter revolution be? I’ve given this a lot of thought and it can be only one place really. That place is the North Pole and Santa's Grotto. It’s perfect. Let’s face it any revolution worth it’s salt needs the capability to manufacture weapons, make uniforms etc. Over the last two or three years it has become politically incorrect to exploit children and the poor of this world. Luckily the world does not share this view of the elves working for Santa. So if Santa can exploit them, so can we. Which means between January and April (Santa’s downtime between his seasonal work) the elves will be pumping out AK47 clones. Plus how cool would it be going on that suicide mission in a sleigh and reindeers?

No revolution would be complete without an iconic image of the leader that could be used on merchandising. We’ll be going with the classic revolution merchandise, posters, t-shirts and badges. To keep initial start up costs down all official merchandise will be available through Cafepress. The iconic image that we will be using is a licensed image of Snoopy as a pilot on top of his kennel.

So there are the plans so far as they stand. Up the revolution.

Here’s An Idea

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 15:14:00 +0000

Here’s a game for those of us that are unemployed that have iPhones or Google Android phones.

One of the in things on those phones is to take part in the geo location based social game thingies like Four Square or Gowalla.

So instead of marking locations like coffee shops, and other expensive hang outs that those with money have.

Let us unemployed mark alternative locations, like the jobcentre and really cheap places to eat, or a park bench. Places that we go that don’t require having disposable income.

I’ve already marked my local jobcentre on Gowalla. Next visit I have to the council offices to get free dog poo bags guess what I will be adding to Gowalla?

So lets rage against the machine and have our counter social geo location game within the social geo location game.

UK Government Wants YOU To Die…

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 20:50:00 +0000

when the zombie apocalypse hits.

Saturday my son bought the first Left 4 Dead game on the Xbox360. Yes I know there is a new one out. But my son hadn’t played the first one and wanted to play that first, before splashing out for the latest and greatest. Besides he got a good deal buying it “pre-owned” or as it truly should be called at the video game shop “second hand” or “used”. But those sharks like to use “pre-owned” as it sounds better and allows them to charge a little bit more for it.

As a good father I played the game with him for a couple of hours or so. My son is lucky he has a dad that is into video games as much as he is.

Anyway after playing it hit me. All these games, and movies are set in the US. Why? I’ll tell you why. That’s where they have easy access to guns and other weapons to defend themselves.

Ok yes 28 Days, and 28 Weeks were set in the UK, I’ll give you that. And in those movies how did any survivors defend themselves? They had to run away!! Shaun of the Dead (also set in the UK) also showed that you need a GUN.

It’s our restrictive laws on guns that will stop more of us in the UK surviving when the zombie apocalypse hits. While the Americans are blasting the heads off of every undead as if hunting season has come early. We here in the UK will be trying to out run the undead vermin hoping that the Armed Forces will be enough to save us.

We can’t even kit our troops out properly for planned conflicts. So the hopes that they will be able to handle the zombie horde is not something we should rely on.

Oh Brown and his cronies will be ok. But feck the rest of us, we will have to rely on being a bit more fitter than the undead. Oh and that zombies are no good at self defense as we try and attack them with potato peelers, bread knifes and cricket bats.

In fact knowing how our legal system works the first zombie I kill defending myself and my home will see me locked up and the key thrown away.

Brown and his crooked lot have diluted the law so much that the victim is the one that gets punished. I bet the zombies would get more help from the state as well than me. In fact I would bet good money that I don’t have that Brown already has announcements for helping the undead get jobs.

I want this to be an issue at the next election. I want it legal to have a gun. I want the law weighted back in favour of the living and defending your home from the living dead. I also want the law changed so that when you die you stay dead.

It’s not that much to ask for is it?

Santa is a c***

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 00:20:00 +0000

No he is. I’ll go even further if I find his rotund body round mine again I’ll feckin’ knee cap him.

Year after bloody year I have the same item at the top of my Christmas list. Year after bloody year his fatness gives me the item that is sooo far down on the list it has dropped off the bottom and fallen down a mine shaft. I don’t need more socks you fat feck. What I need is the item at the top of my list.

How feckin’ hard is it to get me Heather Graham, Heather Locklear and Angelina Jolie for one night of mad passion? Ok one night maybe an over statement of my prowess between the bed sheets. 20 seconds if they were lucky, on a good night possibly, then they would have to entertain their selves for the rest of the time.

But even so my list said Heather Graham, Heather Locklear and Angelina Jolie and not feckin’ socks.

Just what is it that you have got against me Santa? Is it because as a little boy I wouldn’t jump and wiggle around on your knee like all the other kids? You sick perverted feck, just because I wouldn’t play your little Michael Jacksonesq games. You have to go and punish me later in life.

Santa is it you putting the frighteners on Gordon Brown? I was only the other day pondering on here why the feck does he hate me so much.

Just once Your Seasonally Plumpness, just f’in once would you please give me Heather Graham, Heather Locklear and Angelina Jolie for one night of down right degrading disgusting drug and fetish fuelled sex? A sock on the willy just doesn’t even compare, and you know it.

Thanks fatty

Eastenders Writers Steal And Then Lose The Plot

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 19:39:00 +0000

I want my licence fee money back off the BBC.

Last night I was forced to watch the Christmas Day Eastenders special. Now this is a dire series at the best of times. However the script writers of this show have plunged new depths.

Not only did they steal the plot for their Christmas show, they managed to completely bugger it up as well.

So what plot did they steal? Well there is this little known show from the States called The Simpsons. No-one watches it. Which is probably why the BBC Eastenders team felt safe in stealing a plot from one of it’s episodes.

There was a two parter called “Who Shot Mr Burns?” in which the owner of the local nuclear power plant Mr Burns gets shot. It took the writers of the Simpsons 25 minutes (approximately and allowing for adverts etc) to build up the plot from scratch, and a list of suspects.

The Eastenders writers taking the same plot line took an hour (no adverts to take into account), to basically tell a similar story. Talk about waffle and losing the plot.

Aren’t the British screen writers always touted as being so so talented. Yet based on this evidence the BBC needs to sack the pile of shite they have writing for them on Eastenders and do some poaching from the staff of writers used on the Simpsons.

But until they do I’m not funding this creative theft and incompetence. I want my money back.