FMyLife

gbabyy says FML

2009-11-21T22:25:04+00:00

Today, my daughter was playing outside. I was watching her from the window, and I saw her pick up a dead bird. I ran outside to grab her. As I picked her up and started scolding her, she tried to scratch my face. In the attempt, her hand went straight into my mouth. FML

sleepwalker says FML

2009-11-21T20:33:51+00:00

Today, I woke up in my roommate's bed. Apparently, the previous night I sleep-walked into her room, layed on her bed, and fell asleep. In the middle of her and her boyfriend having sex. He's now going around saying he slept with both of us. FML.

girl says FML

2009-11-21T19:36:04+00:00

Today, in dance class we did a choreography where we wear two shirts and take one off in one quick motion. After I took mine off, the audience goes "aaah". Then I realize that I had taken both my shirts off as stood there with only my bra on. I was being videotaped. FML

jibberish says FML

2009-11-21T19:15:02+00:00

Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really in to Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML

MrZach says FML

2009-11-21T18:21:04+00:00

Today, I had a tooth pulled. An hour or so later, I removed the gauze from my mouth, because I thought the bleeding had stopped. I got on my laptop. A few minutes later I looked down, to see that I had drooled blood all over the keyboard, and didn't know because my mouth was numb. FML

eyesightfail says FML

2009-11-21T18:02:47+00:00

Today, I saw a squirrel besides a tree, thinking it was cute, I stepped closer, picked up a pine cone and tried to lure it to come closer. After about two minutes of silently squatting on someone's lawn holding a pine cone, I realized the squirrel was dead. FML

frootloops says FML

2009-11-21T16:44:02+00:00

Today, I realized that my girlfriend had never said anything about the proposal ring I had put into a box of her Froot Loops. When I hinted it to her, she said that the cereal had expired, so she threw out the box. FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-21T15:51:06+00:00

Today, I submitted an entry for a logo design contest for my employer. Apparently, it is possible to lose a contest even when you had the only entry. FML

tealsoda says FML

2009-11-21T15:09:29+00:00

Today, a friend convinced me that I should throw a big party and invite everyone to come. After fixing a ton of party food, I sat around and waited for my guests to arrive. No one did. FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-21T14:32:31+00:00

Today, I am a science major. I was in lab all afternoon, and then had dinner with friends. After I left dinner, someone asked about the "fashion statement" and motioned to my head. I reached up and felt my lab goggles sitting on my hair like sunglasses; they had been there since I left the lab. FML

Guess says FML

2009-11-21T14:10:36+00:00

Today, I told my boyfriend of nine months that depression runs in my family and I think the reason I've been flipping shit so much lately may be that I am depressed. Not five minutes later he decided a break would be "the best thing for us right now." FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-21T07:56:23+00:00

Today, I found out that my mom had read my diary because she was worried. She now knows details about my depression, details about my sex life, such as how I lost my virginity, to whom (I don't have a boyfriend), and what condition I was in at the time (drunk as a duck). She also showed my dad. FML

bird-brain says FML

2009-11-21T07:19:11+00:00

Today, I was at a zoo with some friends in Germany. People were talking to this bird and it responded in complete, grammatically correct German sentences. One of my friends said 'Wow, that bird has better grammar than the exchange student!' A bird speaks better German than me. FML

AussieGirl says FML

2009-11-21T06:40:53+00:00

Today, as I put on my pajamas, a large spider ran down my leg. After freaking out, killing it, and recomposing myself, I went to the bathroom. As I sat down to go to the toilet, I looked up to see hundreds of baby spiders hanging over my head. FML

SeeBrendenBurn says FML

2009-11-21T03:28:47+00:00

Today, I went to a rock concert and met this amazing girl. We started talking and then swapped cell numbers. Five minutes later, she asks to see my cellphone, so I gave it to her. Once I got home I went to text her and saw that she deleted her number. FML

anonymous says FML

2009-11-21T03:00:58+00:00

Today, I was sitting with a friend who moved back into town, and he told me about how he hooked up with a girl at a bar last night. I asked him if she was hot, he responded "Yeah, I have a picture of her on my phone." It was a picture of my girlfriend. FML

Fail says FML

2009-11-21T00:59:54+00:00

Today, I thought I'd surprise my girlfriend with a bear hug. I found her in the hall with her back to me talking to friends. As I walked up behind her and was about to wrap my arms around her, she said, "so does anyone have any ideas about how I should break it off with my boyfriend?" FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-21T00:47:39+00:00

Today, I was leaving work. I saw the bus, got on, and travelled back home. Once home, I laid down, turned on the TV, and then remembered I'd driven to work. FML

beckbm23 says FML

2009-11-21T00:03:30+00:00

Today, at work at a grocery store an old couple came through my checkout lane. As I was putting their bagged groceries in the cart, the old man started feeling me up. FML

Masonlee89 says FML

2009-11-20T22:59:06+00:00

Today, it was supposed to be payday. Instead, it was the day I found out that, for two weeks, I have been volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and am not actually employed by a construction company. FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-20T21:41:49+00:00

Today, I got my research paper back with a big zero at the top and the message, "Why would you turn this in? It wasn't good when your brother wrote it six years ago and it isn't good now." FML

FoundMyLighter says FML

2009-11-20T20:28:04+00:00

Today, my jeep wouldn't start so I opened the hood. I slammed my fingers in my jeep's hood. It latched shut. My hood release was inside the cab, and the jeep was in neutral and on an incline. It started to roll... with a ditch about 5 yards away. I had to skin my own fingers to get them out. FML

Ellen says FML

2009-11-20T19:56:01+00:00

Today, I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. FML

WhyTheEff says FML

2009-11-20T18:50:08+00:00

Today, I woke up to find my house TP'd. I also noticed our entire house was devoid of toilet paper. Someone had broken in just to steal our toilet paper and TP our own house with it. FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-20T16:27:40+00:00

Today, I was enjoying the benefits of marriage with my new husband. We were changing positions when my joints started crackling and popping like my mother's did when I was a kid. My husband stopped, concerned about my possible pain... I'm 20 years old and pop like an arthritic 50 year old. FML

Inkabadger says FML

2009-11-20T13:41:23+00:00

Today, since we hadn't be romantic for a while, I shaved, bathed, cut my hair and snuggled naked up to my husband in bed. He got up went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML

pchis4ever says FML

2009-11-20T13:30:32+00:00

Today I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

NotInMiddleSchool says FML

2009-11-20T12:24:58+00:00

Today, as I was yelled at by a middle school teacher in front of 30 6th graders for breaking the rule of "no cell phones in school." Luckily, I escaped being sent to the office after explaining I'm a 21 year old college student doing student teaching observations, not a middle schooler. FML

hopefulanonymous says FML

2009-11-20T11:01:33+00:00

Today, I dropped off a box for my sister at her job. In a rush, I unknowingly parked in a reserved spot. When I got back to my car, I saw that my car was being towed. After successfully flirting myself out of an expensive towing bill, I backed into the pole behind me, leaving a noticeable dent. FML

inpain says FML

2009-11-20T10:51:51+00:00

Today, I thought it would be funny to touch my girlfriend's back with my cold hands. She thought it would be funny to crush my left testicle with her knee as I was trying to fall asleep. FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-20T10:35:14+00:00

Today, I was walking around in Target with my friends and the guy I've liked for a long time. As we approached the patio section, I sat down on a chair only to hear a big wet watery sound. I got up and realized that I had just sat in some little kid's diarrhea. FML

WorstMedicalBill says FML

2009-11-20T09:53:04+00:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized I had to sneeze. Not wanting to sneeze on her, I tried my hardest to hold it in. When I climaxed, I couldn't hold it in any more and sneezed all over her face. FML

HellaBomber91 says FML

2009-11-20T08:56:40+00:00

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

starstruck says FML

2009-11-20T04:36:55+00:00

Today, I misplaced my wallet. Fortunately, I knew exactly where it was. Unfortunately, I had just taken out the only form of picture ID that morning. I couldn't stop the finders from laughing as they saw my fake celebrity entertainment ID while I tried to convince them it was actually my wallet. FML

ApparentlyIFail says FML

2009-11-20T04:30:59+00:00

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me so she could "let her life flow in the direction she wants." Apparently that includes smoking, stealing and making out with other girls at parties. The best part? She wants to get back together "after she matures and gets it out of her system." FML