FMyLife

youmakemesick says FML

2009-11-12T00:36:56+00:00

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend if 4 years. Her response? First, she threw up all over me and then she started crying hysterically. I'll take that as a no. FML

akward411 says FML

2009-11-12T00:14:49+00:00

Today, I finally filed the divorce papers I was putting off for weeks. This is my third divorce. After my first husband cheated on me and my second husband and I learned we had VERY different views now my third husband is cheating on me with his fiancee. I'm a marriage counselor. FML

Kittykatkrunch says FML

2009-11-12T00:09:52+00:00

Today, I found out my boyfriend was crushing on his best friend. When I found out I asked him about it. He replied. "Don't worry babe, she is perfect and way too good for me". FML

DangerZone says FML

2009-11-11T22:05:08+00:00

Today, I was playing football for my school. I had the ball and was running down the sideline. The guy behind pulled my flag off along with my shorts and boxers. I dove to try to escape and I happened to land on the hottest girl in the class who was on the sideline. I had no pants on. FML

julie says FML

2009-11-11T20:54:57+00:00

Today, I realized that if you are too lazy to get completely dressed in the morning and only put on a top, you should not answer a Skype video call from your boss that involves you standing up, turning around and grabbing files from your filing cabinet all in clear view of your web cam. FML

WhatWentWrong says FML

2009-11-11T19:49:22+00:00

Today, everyone was telling me a girl I like wanted me to ask her on a date. I approached her, and asked if it was true. She said yes, but only because she wanted to reject me in person. FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-11T19:04:26+00:00

Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the noodles into the boiling water and I dropped my phone in. Not thinking, I went to retreive it from the water. I now have a completely useless phone and a useless hand. FML

kiwi says FML

2009-11-11T17:10:11+00:00

Today, I realized that the most romantic thing that my boyfriend and I have done in the last month is comb lice out of each other's hair. FML

NCanalyst says FML

2009-11-11T15:28:09+00:00

Today, I interviewed potential employees for a job position that I was supposed to get promoted to. FML

Physics fail. says FML

2009-11-11T14:09:08+00:00

Today, I finished up my physics project. I had to make some thing out of toothpicks and glue that will keep an egg from breaking when dropped 20 feet. It took me 10 hours to make it, but only took my dad 10 seconds to step on it and break it. It's due tomorrow. FML

Tragics says FML

2009-11-11T13:53:54+00:00

Today, my date sent me a text saying "I'm sorry we're running late, we will be there shortly." I replied asking what she meant by "we". She said her parents, who were coming along to chaperone. I laughed about two 27 year olds having chaperones, until she walked in with her parents. FML

iluvsu504 says FML

2009-11-11T13:17:48+00:00

Today, my girlfriend of 15 months broke up with me. Best part? I just picked up an expensive sterling silver ring engraved with Forever & Always for her last week (she knew about this). The other best part? She asked if she could still have it and if she could keep my hamster. FML

brokeasajoke says FML

2009-11-11T11:13:48+00:00

Today, I let my dad borrow my car. I found out a few hours later that he has had a suspended license for three years. How did I find out? He got pulled over and arrested. My car was also impounded. I'm a college student barely making it as it is. Guess who can't afford the impound fees? FML

Timetoloseweight says FML

2009-11-11T11:03:16+00:00

Today, for my birthday, my friends and family gave me: A Wii Fit, a free year at the gym and a book of diet recipes. They didn't consult with each other. I've asked for "something corresponding to me". FML

Sybil90 says FML

2009-11-11T08:03:15+00:00

Today, a bee flew in my car so I swerved off the road and hit a mailbox. It was a metal keg filled with cement buried in the ground. Taking my father's advice I fled the scene. Later my mailman knocked on my door holding part of my bumper. He said "Excuse me, I think you hit my mailbox this morning." FML

Stupidteach says FML

2009-11-11T07:47:18+00:00

Today, I asked my father for some help paying my college tuition. He told me he'd help me after I become more accredited than he is. My father has 2 PHDs. I'm studying to be an elementary school teacher. FML

Starchyld says FML

2009-11-11T07:21:21+00:00

Today, I went on blind date with a guy because both our moms thought we'd like eachother. Things were going really well until I got up to go to the bathroom and he says: "My mom was right, you do have perfect breedin' hips!" FML

dEpPrEsSeDgIrL says FML

2009-11-11T06:28:36+00:00

Today, my dad decided to clean my 20 gallon fish tank. I had 6 fish. One of them was called a transparent fish, clear with a bright orange tail, which was my favorite. My dad didn't see it, and dumped the water out along with it. FML

Miserable says FML

2009-11-11T02:06:30+00:00

Today, I did laundry in my apartment complex's laundry room. I put my stuff in the dryer and returned to my room. The sign on the door says the laundry room closes at 10 pm, but that's rarely true. Tonight it was. I have to wait until 8 am. I work at 7:30. My work clothes are in there. FML

whoawhat says FML

2009-11-11T01:55:39+00:00

Today, I went to the grocery store where I work to pick up my pay check. After I got it, I headed back to the dorms to take a quick nap before Chemistry later. I woke up, and my check was gone. I later found it. In the form of a text from my roommate saying he gambled away 'our' money. FML

Saphira says FML

2009-11-11T01:43:13+00:00

Today, my dad's girlfriend threw me a birthday party and all the gifts, decorations, and the cake were according to my age, which they thought was 12. I turned 13 today. FML

carsuck says FML

2009-11-11T00:55:17+00:00

Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

noexceptions says FML

2009-11-11T00:16:38+00:00

Today, at school, I got stuck in the elevator and was about to panic before I remembered I had my phone. I called my mother and she called the school to tell them that I was stuck. They got me out in a few minutes and then confiscated my phone and gave me two detentions for using it in school. FML

Danners88 says FML

2009-11-10T23:36:38+00:00

Today, I was at a Remembrance Day service when an old widow told me I had my "grandad's" medals on the wrong side of my coat. I told her that I was an Afghanistan veteran and that they were mine. She then berated me in front of the WHOLE service for "lying". FML

IHateYouBackspace says FML

2009-11-10T22:38:34+00:00

Today, I was trying to write an essay for school while sleep deprived. After getting 7 pages into it, I crashed face-first onto the keyboard and slept for 20 minutes. When I woke up, my essay was nothing more than a blank document. My face had been pressing the Backspace button the entire time. FML

prayforme says FML

2009-11-10T20:52:18+00:00

Today, I woke up next to the girl I had drunk intercourse with last night. Before we got it on, I noticed a package of birth control pills on her nightstand. Because of this, I felt no need to use a condom, or pull out. When I woke up, I noticed those "pills" were actually a makeup case. FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-10T20:17:28+00:00

Today, my credit card number was stolen. The thief used it to purchase identity theft protection. FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-10T19:28:32+00:00

Today, I found out that I'm 8 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to be leaving for Paris with my college abstinence group for a year. FML

Abby says FML

2009-11-10T19:10:15+00:00

Today, I got wasted at a party and went out to my car to get something. I went back to the house and realized I got locked out. After knocking on the door, ringing the doorbell, and shouting "LET ME INNNN" my friend called and asked where I was. That's when I realized I was at the wrong house. FML

mhmohyeah says FML

2009-11-10T18:05:34+00:00

Today, I was jumping on every crunchy leaf on the sidewalk. I went especially far out of my way to step on one only to notice it didn't crunch right. I looked closer, it was a dead bird. FML

GillyPirate says FML

2009-11-10T18:04:05+00:00

Today, I received a call offering me a job with the census bureau. I applied for this job 6 months ago while I was still fighting tooth and nail to stay where I was. Since I didn't get the job, I was evicted from my apartment, got on public assistance, and moved from North Carolina to Florida with my mother. FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-10T17:57:54+00:00

Today, I woke up in a complete daze. It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened. Apparently my sleepwalking problems have returned, only this time I managed to overdose myself with Nyquil. As a result, I slept for fourteen hours, wet my sheets and lost my job. FML

PiaNO says FML

2009-11-10T16:41:24+00:00

Today, I was teaching a ten year old how to play piano. Halfway through the lesson, she made a minor mistake, which, trying to be a good tutor, I corrected her. She smiled up at me, paused, then slammed the key cover down onto my fingers. FML

Anonymous says FML

2009-11-10T14:18:30+00:00

Today, I got a new CD player for my car and an alarm installed for added security. After work, I saw my windows smashed, the CD player gone, the alarm wires cut, and a note that said, "Try again." FML

jobless says FML

2009-11-10T14:16:39+00:00

Today, I got an invitation to my "going away lunch" the company is throwing for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML