Finding Equipoise

What do you say?

2009-12-16T22:27:45-07:00

I've been meaning to post for a while now. I just don't have the words. Well, perhaps I have the words, but I just can't spill them yet, or ever in some cases. What do you say when you're dealing with things beyond your control and you can't talk about them? How do you write when your words are censored? How do you reach out for help, for strength, for comfort, for hope, when you can't share what you're going through? I don't know what to say, friends. Except I'm dealing with both joys and heartaches at the moment. Thrilled one minute and depressed the next. The holiday season is nearly at its peak...and my emotions are undulating. I know I'm worrying you with these statements. You should know: I AM OK. I just need some time. I realize I've asked for time a lot this year. As I've said before, this year has been a rough one. I find myself wondering how I can possibly ask you for anything, when I've given you little to nothing in return? For someone who's been so open with you about everything, I'm having a hard time not letting it out. Unfortunately, some parts are not my stories to tell...and others are too uncertain to share just yet. For now, I only ask for the love and support, prayers, hope and friendship I've counted on from you in the past. I thank you in advance, from the bottom of my heart.

Ups and Downs

2009-12-04T22:27:14-07:00

I sometimes wonder where all my motivation goes. I mean, for a while there, I was really into running. In fact, I'm still really into it. It's just that I can't fathom running when the high today was 27 degrees. Does that make me a quitter? I feel like I start a lot of things I don't finish. Some of those things are silly side projects and it doesn't matter if they get done any time soon. I've realized, though, that I've started a lot of different things over the last few years to try to lose weight, or at least get in better shape, and no matter what, I fail to complete it- or even keep it up for a reasonable amount of time. I am so frustrated with myself about this. Every day I look into the mirror before I step into the shower and suck in my stomach and try to push my fat about to see what it would be like to look more like an hourglass and less like an apple on a stick. I am often found trying things on and then getting frustrated because yet another clothing item no longer fits. It's sort of funny sometimes that this weight issue seems so BIG to me because I'm really not THAT overweight. In fact, by most standards, I'm not overweight at all. It's just that, if I replaced the fat with muscle, I'd fit into things better and just generally FEEL better about myself. It's strange to look in the mirror and not recognize myself...or to look back to my college days and wonder where that girl went. That confident girl with the skinny waistline and the long flowing hair. She could conquer the world. I can't even conquer my body issues. Poor Love is constantly having to reassure me that he still finds me attractive. I don't think he knows how deeply this body-hate goes. It's so different to see your body after it's been ravaged by pregnancy. I'll spare any Men in my audience from details, but nothing is ever the same. You feel like a shriveled up raisin. The other day I tried on the jacket from one of my favorite suits and found I couldn't button it. So, that night I did pilates at midnight. A few days later I'm wondering to myself, "Just exactly what did that accomplish?"- because I haven't bothered to exercise since. I'm full of excuses why I don't have time to exercise, and truthfully, I have no idea how to stop that mind frame. I'm also full of reasons why I should- mostly complaints about the way I look- I am my worst critic. I never wanted to be that person who hated her body. I always swore I would stay in shape so I never had to feel like I didn't love my body. But...I didn't. Now it seems impossible to get back to where I was. I'm not disillusioned into thinking that I'm going to ever look the same as I did in college. The fine lines under my eyes and the pregnancy have told me that much. I'd just like to get to where I can feel good in my clothes. Have a little bit flatter tummy, get my waistline back, and feel strong and healthy. This is something I would like to achieve soon so that I can pass that feeling on to Zoe. I want to get in shape for myself...but also for Love...and for Zoe. She is watching me now. She's learning from me how to be a woman. She's watching me to see if I love and respect my body, or if I hate it. She's watching...and I'm not being a good example. I want to teach her to love her body...but the trouble is...I don't know where to start on myself...let alone my daughter. I need a plan...a winter plan. When it gets warm, I'll run again...but I don't want to wait that long. I want to stop feeling like a failure. Needed to get that out. Thanks friends.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T00:04:12-07:00

I'm going to be honest with you. This has been a rough year for me and my family. Truth be told, I will be especially grateful when it's over...and will be hoping for a much better year to come. However, as our U.S. holiday creeps up on me, I've been able to reflect over the wonderful things in my life and wanted to share with you what I am thankful for. Since I'm in a silly mood, I will do it as I spell out the word "Grateful"! (Bear with me.)

Gospel teachings. Heavenly Father is my rock. To try to live day to day without His wisdom, His guiding light, His comfort, His peace, His forgiveness is unfathomable to me. There have been many times in my life, and throughout this year, where I have turned to Him for help, comfort, or direction in my life and He has always been there for me. Also, I am thankful for Jesus Christ- for His example and especially his great atoning sacrifice for the sins of the world. I'm thankful for the knowledge I've gained and an increase in my spirituality this year. I'm also thankful for my trials because they push me to be better than I am.

Real friends are far and few between for many, but I have several. Some live closer to me than others, some I've only met in internet world, but all of you have touched my life for the better and have stuck by me through good times and bad. I want you to know that your constant support and encouragement is greatly appreciated. I consider myself so blessed to have such amazing people in my life. You all are the family that I chose!

A love of reading, of music, and of the arts. Books take me to far away places and let me explore life through the eyes of thousands of characters. I'm grateful that I love to read and that my daughter has grown to also love to read. Music touches my soul in a way I can't describe. I love all forms of music, dance and expression and I'm so grateful for not only my musical talent, but for the talent of all people in this world who have grabbed my heart with their music and movement. I love many forms of the arts and am grateful that so many of you share your artistic talents with me through the internet.

Toddlerhood. Zoe is my greatest gift. I love being her Mother. I love the laughter and joy that she brings to my life. She pushes my buttons and exercises my patience but, no matter how frustrated she makes me, I love her just the same. She is so smart and sweet and lovely. She continues to be my little miracle. I have enjoyed watching her grow and learn as she went from baby to toddler. I'm grateful for the sweet moments when I get an unexpected show of affection, a silly laugh, when she dances to the music, when she talks...I could go on and on. I thank Heavenly Father every day for entrusting her to my care. I love you Zoe!

Employment. My heart aches for those who don't have jobs or who are having financial troubles because of lowered wages or effects of the economy. It's easy to think of only yourself and your troubles...and I have been up until recently. Then I realized how incredibly blessed we are just to have stable employment. I am especially grateful for my work-from-home job. It allows me to prioritize my life the way I need to as a Mother and I couldn't be more thankful. Our jobs may only pay the bills and little more, but because of them I have a house, food, a car and the necessities of life. That is truly a blessing right now.

Family. I have a great love for my family- which includes the one I married into. I have been blessed with so many wonderful people that I call family. People that will be there to help me, no matter my need. People who love and accept me for who I am. People who love my daughter as much as I do. To my blood family, thank you for dropping everything when I come home so I can get in as much time as I can with you, thank you for your love, your support, your friendship, your phone calls, your concern and for always being there when I need you. To my in-laws, thank you for stepping in as my family lives far away, for providing me sisterly/brotherly love and advice, for accepting me into your family as one of your own, for babysitting, for your friendship and for your service and support. To all of you, I wouldn't be where I am without you and I love you all dearly.

Unceasing service from others and for the opportunity to serve. This year has presented me with so many wonderful opportunities to serve and receive service. Whether through church, to a friend or from a friend, to or from neighbors, to or from strangers, I have seen so much selfless love this year. Service is a way to help people feel loved, relieved, supported, acknowledged and cared for. I pray I will have many more opportunities to serve my fellowman and to experience the kind of love for every person that Heavenly Father has.

Love is my partner in life, he is my best friend, my lover, my confidant and my shoulder to cry on. Without him, my life would be incomplete. He treats me as his equal and loves me more than I ever thought possible. He supports me in my decisions and encourages my growth. He is an amazing Father. To watch him with Zoe is a constant joy to my heart. He works so hard to take care of our family. I'm so grateful I am married to him for ETERNITY! I love you, Love!

I hope each of you take a minute to express what you're grateful for this year, whether you celebrate Thanksgiving or not. I hope those of you that do celebrate have a great time with your families and friends. Happy Thanksgiving!

On the same page?

2009-11-16T22:03:01-07:00

Recently I've had to make a few house rules for Zoe to keep her out of trouble/ harm's way. Since I'm the one home with her most often I enforce those rules, but sometimes forget to pass them on to Love. So the other day Love and I were in the car and I brought it up:

Me: I think it would be a good idea to sit down and write out some house rules.

Love: ...

Me: It's just that I want to have it written out so that we're on the same page.

Love: I thought we were on the same page...or have you skipped ahead a few pages?

Me: Well...

Love: ...'cuz you tend to do that sometimes. I'm sitting there on page one and you've skipped ahead to like page 25. Or, I'm stuck in the pre-log...the...what is that before the first chapter? (Love hates to read.)

Me: The prologue?

Love: Yeah, I'm stuck in the prologue and you're on like chapter 5.

I guess I need to be better at communication???

The Charter for Compassion

2009-11-12T21:43:21-07:00

I found this on Penelope Illustration. She stumbled upon this video while looking up an NPR recording of Karen Armstrong speaking. (Please click over to her blog if you'd like to hear the recording.) I believe The Charter for Compassion is striving for the kind of world that I want to live in. They are asking people to create a compassionate environment worldwide by following The Golden Rule- which from my background is, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I've put the video here because I think it's a very noble cause and I hope, as Penelope said, that you will pass it on too.

Because I'm that lazy...

2009-11-06T21:52:19-07:00

Our trip to New Mexico was so fun! Zoe was a lot less clingy this time and showed off her colorful personality. Zoe had a blast Trick-or-Treating in her little fairy costume. It was really nice to spend time with my family. Love you guys! Since my Mom posted pictures of the trip on her blog, I'll just link you there. Enjoy!

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OH! Just a fun tidbit. The other day Zoe brought me her ABC book and was mumbling something. I looked right at her and concentrated on her words and she said, "ABC's?" I got so excited and proud of my smart little girl! She also counts to three and asks "What's that?" at every opportunity. I'm really enjoying her growing vocabulary.

Be OK

2009-10-26T23:56:40-06:00

I am leaving on Wednesday to go to New Mexico to visit my family and celebrate Halloween. I am so excited to see them! This will be Zoe's first "real" Halloween. She's going to re-use her fairy wings from my sister's wedding and go Trick-or-Treating with her Uncle A. It will be fun! In my absence I will leave you a video of Zoe dancing to "Be OK" by Ingrid Michaelson. My child loves music and will dance nearly every time she hears some. I just love her!

Grateful

2009-10-23T23:33:43-06:00

So my running program went on hiatus for a couple weeks. Mostly because I got busy with work and motherhood and blah, blah, blah and figured that was the easiest to give up. Also, because it got cold...very suddenly. After almost two weeks I really thought about it and decided that taking care of my body was more important than housework or really anything else...because if I let my body down...I will let everything and everyone down in not being able to do what I normally do. Plus I missed it...A LOT. I FEEL so much better when I've exercised. I feel healthy, happy, and in control- which you know is like breathing to me. Also, I'm sick of the unsightly bulges. So I emailed Love and told him I needed to figure out some way to run again. I figured he'd email me back some encouragement and I'd need to start brainstorming. Instead he emailed me and said he'd permanently put Zoe to bed on the nights I wanted to run- we usually switch off every two nights- so I could just go as soon as my dinner had settled. After a week of this I really think it's going to work. It freed me to go whenever I was ready instead of worrying about getting Zoe to bed first or coming up with excuses (like laziness) not to. It helps that it also gives me motivation in the form of guilt: "If Love is going to put Zoe to bed, I can't really just be lazy and not run." I'm so grateful, not only for his support, but for him enabling me to create a healthy habit. Besides, I figure it's a win-win for him. He gets time with Zoe on his own (while I get time on my own) and, if I get in better shape, he'll reap the benefits. :) Hello, week 3!

Am I doing this right?

2009-10-14T22:21:54-06:00

As a (relatively) new mother, I've come to the abrupt realization recently that I have no idea what I'm doing. Finally I realize why so many parents turn to other parents, mothers, parenting books and doctors for advice all the time. I think in the first year of life your main focus is to keep your kid alive. You have to make sure they are getting enough food, sleep, attention, playtime, etc. Then suddenly they begin to crawl and you must make sure to keep them out of harm's way and teach them how to master things like stairs and to refrain from using that chair that topples backwards to pull themselves up. You finally get to a point where you are trusting them more and more and then they start to walk. It's a whole new ballgame, walking. Suddenly, because they are mobile on two legs just like everyone else, they think they are big. They begin using their daily accumulated vocabulary not just to practice sounds, but to communicate ideas...or frustrations. They want to start doing things themselves and you want to let them. You try not to hover while they climb up the stairs and stand up dangerously close to the edge. You praise them for their good behavior and do your best to divert them from violent behavior (like hitting, scratching, and pinching), dangerous behavior (like running into the street), and annoying behavior (like screaming). Then you watch shows about a Fantastic English Caregiver who gives parents discipline coaching and see all these kids who's parents were just like you...doing their best to raise kids into productive members of society without really knowing how...and their kids went the complete opposite of their hopes. You see these little monsters and you think, "Oh, my kids will never be like that." How do you know??!! I sometimes see a stubbornness and defiance in my daughter at a tender age of 15 months that I didn't expect to encounter until her teen years and I wonder how I'm ever going to do this RIGHT. I don't want her to turn into a little monster because I let her get away with everything (which I don't)...yet I also don't want to be that overly controlling mother that every child hates because she won't let them be their own person. I want her to have all the opportunities in the world to choose from. I want her to be able to decide on her own what she likes and dislikes, what kind of person she wants to be, etc. I also want to pass on to her important pearls of wisdom I've strung around my neck over the years. How does one do all this right? If you know, I'd invite you to tell me. I'd guess that you don't. I don't think anyone does. In fact, I'm fairly certain every single parent in the world asks themselves after every parenting action, "Did I do that right? Did I do the best I could? Will I help them? Will I hinder them?" and so on. I guess I'll just do my best to try to live in the moment. Second guessing the past will do no good most of the time...and my hopes for her future are just that- hopes. It's likely that she'll go a completely different direction than I could ever imagine. It's likely there will be many mistakes, fun, heartache, joy, and surprises (happy and sad) over the course of her life. I'm sure she'll teach me more than I'll ever teach her. I just hope when she looks back on her youth she'll forget my mistakes and just see how much I love her and how much hope I will always have for her future.

Zoe Talks

2009-10-08T18:29:42-06:00

Another taste of Zoe's talking skills. In this video she was particularly chatty. Unfortunately I had just finished taking pictures and switched to video so quickly to catch her mood that I forgot to turn the camera. So, sorry...again, you will have to turn your head to watch!