Filmfail.com

The Tentacle Rape That Is Transformers 3

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 09:35:16 PDT

Michael Bay’s latest Transformers flick, Dark of the Moon, replaces gratuitous tracking shots Megan Fox’s orange ass with Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s less-orange ass. Personally, I think that betrays the entire struggle between the Autobots and the Decepticons in that it… aw who am I kidding, this movie only has Transformers in it for branding purposes! It’s really just a terrible excuse ...

Judy Moody and the NOT Not Bummer Summer

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Tue, 31 May 2011 07:37:17 PDT

Do you like obnoxious four-year-olds who speak like antiquated stoners and search for bigfoot with Roller Girl from Boogie Nights?

Madea’s Big Happy Family

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Wed, 04 May 2011 10:45:31 PDT

Madea’s Big Happy Family? Make that Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family, the most uncomfortably complicated movie title since Legend of the Guardians: Owls of Ga’Hoole or Percy Jackson And The Olympians: The Lightning Thief. If it weren’t for Tyler Perry, this website might not exist as your go-to source for poorly constructed reviews recorded in sub-optimal conditions which often ...

Rebecca Black Enjoys Fun Fun Fun Fun

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 10:04:36 PDT

This really sums up all that needs to be said about Rebecca Black. I’ve cut together every time she discusses how she feels the weekends are fun fun fun fun. I had to do it.

A Psychoanalysis of Big Momma’s House

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 07:53:34 PST

With the release of Big Mammas: Like Father, Like Son, Film Fail wonders why Martin Lawrence's character feels the need to dress up like a large woman so frequently. Certainly this isn't typical protocol for an FBI agent...

DON’T Just Go With It

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 12:14:25 PST

I think we’ve come to the point as a society where even the people who really like Jennifer Aniston are fully committed to the idea that she’s a terrible actress. Combined with the career of Adam Sandler, which has been hitting the same middlebrow note for 20 years now, we shouldn’t expect that to change with the advent of Just ...

Dear Tron Legacy, Tron Was A Total Mess

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 11:00:36 PST

The original Tron movie was made in the eighties, when Daft Punk was still just a beautiful dream in a European Discotheque, and boy howdy does it ever show.

Who Let Me Interview Jake Gyllenhaal About “Love and Other Drugs?”

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 10:20:03 PST

For some unknown reason, NYU Local asked me to interview some famous (aka superior) people at the New York premiere of Love and Other Drugs, which may be better known by its original title, Pretty People Have Sex For Two Hours, and scored some choice interviews with all the stars of the film who didn’t consider themselves too pretty and ...

Part One of a Review of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 11:10:58 PDT

‘Tis part one of the epic conclusion to the Harry Potter saga! I’m sure you all already knew that though, since this series has been going on for some seven years or something crazy like that. To think that in all that time, it’s only now that producers have been smart enough to cash in on Potter fans’ extreme gullibility ...

Saw 3D Treats You Like You’re Five!

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 12:34:15 PDT

Thank God this is the last hurrah for the Saw series because I'm already getting pretty tired of this Saw 3d and Jackass 3D and whatever kinda risky business these marketing executives keep coming up with (maybe a Risky Business 3D? Now THERE'S something I'd pay to see).

Oh God There’s A Family Circus Movie

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 06:10:18 PDT

Well, there's officially no God, because Fox has acquired the rights and is moving forward on a Family Circus movie. Yes, they've apparently exhausted every other idea for comic book movies and have resorted to turning this God-awful comic into a God-awful live action movie. I've created some mock ups of what that movie will most definitely not be. I wish this film the slow and painful death it so righteously deserves.

Meats of Evil

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 13:44:40 PDT

I don't know much about much, but I reckon that those Oscar Meyer luncheon meats are filled with pure evil. This is a relatively stupid short film I did, because I've been watching too much Invader Zim lately...

Legend of the Guardians of Self-Serious Owl Warriors

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 11:52:40 PDT

Folklore whispers of the mystical heroes. The ones who can vanquish the almighty evils of the world, the ones who don the armor forged by the quiet passion of the Gods, and ride to GLORIOUS victory on the wings of... um, well using the wings of... they're birds.

Alpha And Omega Promotes Sex To Kids!

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 13:58:46 PDT

You all like sex right? And you love talking animals too, right? Well what if we combine the two? I know, you're probably thinking "Isn't that why we have furry porn?" Well some Lionsgate guys felt like...

Going The Distance

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 09:15:48 PDT

Sate your appetites with this here four second review of Going The Distance, starring Drew Barrymore and Justin Long

Vampires Suck Sucks Harder Than Twilight

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 07:15:27 PDT

Vampires Suck is so terrible, so stupid, so un-funny, that I would rather watch Twilight. All the laughs in Twilight come from horribly awkward dialogue and unintentional sight gags, whereas all the laughs in Vampires Suck are PREVENTED by horribly awkward attempts at humor and heavy-handed sight gags AKA people falling down a lot.

Eat Pray Love Makes Us Vomit Atheistic Hatred

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 16:14:56 PDT

Eat Pray Love? More like Eat PREY Love, amirite?

Step Up 3D – The Unintentional Comedy Hit of the Summer

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 07:15:54 PDT

It's been a long time since I laughed at a trailer as much as I did while watching Step Up 3D's trailer. You thought 3D movies were bad (they are) and you also thought dancing movies were bad (they REALLY are) well can you even imagine how bad a dancing movie is IN 3D? No you cannot...

Cats and Dogs: Revenge of Kitty Galore

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 09:08:18 PDT

Reviewed in 4 Seconds! It's like Pussy Galore from James Bond, but they have to say kitty instead of pussy, because they don't want kids thinking about vaginas!

How The Sorcerer’s Apprentice Ruins Your Childhood

dan@filmfail.com (Daniel Rickmers) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 10:43:16 PDT

It's a live action remake of a Mickey cartoon from Fantasia with 80 minutes of 'splosions...