Love & Relationships

Your Marriage: Buckle Down or Bail Out?

2013-04-23T18:21:22+00:00

The stigma that was once associated with divorce has largely been forgotten, but there are still plenty of people living in miserable marriages. There are a number of reasons why that might be, but primarily, when you get married you mean it.

People take their wedding vows seriously, and the decision to walk away is a difficult one to make. It means admitting that a relationship that was good and felt strong has become ugly and broken.

All marriages go through tough times, and every couple has to be willing to put in some serious labor if they’re going to continue to make each other happy.

Knowing when to buckle down and do the work and when to jump ship and swim for happier shores is a tricky thing, but these warning signs can help you to understand whether or not you’re fighting for a lost cause.

• Compromise is one of the most important elements of a healthy relationship. In an unhealthy relationship, it is one of the first things to go. The thing about compromise is that by definition, both parties get something they want, and both parties sacrifice something they want for the sake of peace. If you feel like you are the only one willing to make any sacrifices, or instead of middle ground there seems to be a wide, deep chasm between you, and speaking to your spouse about what you need has not helped, you may be in trouble.

• Every couple fights, every relationship has flaws, and we all find ourselves occasionally irritated by the ones we love. This is normal and healthy, and working through these times can make your bond stronger and your respect for each other grow. On the other hand, if you have to work to resolve problems constantly, and moments of harmony are rare, it may be time to consider ending the marriage.

• Early on in a relationship it is common to discover things about your partner that you find irritating, or even obnoxious. For a little while after moving in together there may be a laugh, a snore, bathroom habits, or bad table manners that make you consider throwing in the towel and ending it before it’s even had a chance. As time goes on, you find those things become a part of the sound of your home, and when your husband or wife goes out of town for a few nights you find yourself unable to sleep without the sound of that chainsaw in the bed next to you. It’s a common story, but when a relationship is going bad, the opposite begins to happen. If the things that you once found cute, quirky, or interesting about your spouse become unbearable, it’s likely time to say goodbye.

• Everyone needs and deserves a little ‘alone time,’ and being permanently attached to your spouse’s hip is a great way to start the irritating process described above, but if you find yourself looking for excuses to avoid your partner or wishing that they weren’t invited to events you’ll be attending, you may need to consider seriously getting back out on your own.

• Mutual respect is another necessary factor for a healthy and happy relationship. Without respect it becomes difficult to like or even just be friendly to your partner, much less love them. If you find that you have lost respect for your spouse, or you feel that they no longer treat you with respect, the marriage has hit a point from which there is probably no return.

• Seeking the help of a couple’s counselor is a great idea for anyone who wants to preserve their marriage, and very often a professional can teach communication tools and mediate conversations about important issues in order to effectively improve and even save the relationship. On the other hand, once a counselor has been engaged and his or her advice has been followed, if things haven’t improved it is likely that no amount of communication will solve the problem.

• One of the most reliable signs of a strong and healthy relationship is the sort of team dynamic that arises. ‘Our money,’ ‘our problems,’ and ‘our good times…’ that’s what marriage is about. If you no longer feel like your goals are aligned with your spouse’s goals, if you aren’t collaborating on the decisions that impact you both, then it may be time to strike out on your own anyway. When two smart, motivated people are working together toward the same end, encouraging and supporting one another, they can do amazing things. When two people are trying to move in different directions, but each feels tied down to the other against their will, no one thrives.

• Anger is not an uncommon emotion to encounter in a marriage, even a happy one. Living in close quarters and sharing each other’s burdens can combine with the usual frustrations and disappointments in life to create outbursts meanness or thoughtlessness. Anger is a normal and healthy emotion, but when it isn’t address, when it is allowed to fester in silence, it becomes something much more dangerous: resentment. Resentment can manifest in petty, spiteful acts, and is usually the reason that long forgotten mistakes get dug back up years later. The inability to address your anger with your spouse over time is a very bad sign for the marriage.

• Sometimes the things that keep us locked in unhappy marriages are ideas that we haven’t really allowed ourselves to consider, but once recognized they have to be addressed. One of the more foolish of these is the idea that being unhappy in a familiar situation is somehow preferable to being unhappy someplace new. The obvious flaw in this logic is that there is no guarantee that you will be unhappy once you’ve left. This is a simple fear of the unknown, which we all struggle with and which we must all overcome in order to lead full lives.

• Another argument that often keeps unhappy couples together is the idea that somehow the children are better off that way. Even very young kids are able to pick up on signals of anger and depression, and having two happy households will be much more beneficial to your children than one home unified by a shared misery.

• Of course, the most obvious reason to leave a marriage is for mistreatment or abuse. Victims of physical, sexual, or verbal abuse should please, please look for support in trying to leave what is an increasingly dangerous situation. The wonderful counselors at the National Domestic Violence Hotline are available 24/7 to assist you in whatever way they can. Abuse is never the fault of the victim, no matter what the abuser says. All relationships are difficult, but healthy couples are able to make mistakes and move past them without hurting each other, and even unhappy couples don’t usually resort to violence.

Marriage is supposed to be a bond between partners who mutually support, respect, and care about each other, not a constant battle for power, and not an exchange of hurt and guilt. If your relationship has become a burden and not a boon in your life, it’s time to genuinely consider whether or not you would be better off on your own.

This article was written by Alan Brady. Alan is a writer who uses personal experience as inspiration to write about family, the environment, and business practices. He currently writes for Attorneys.com, which locates local child custody lawyers.

Do you want to write an article for us? Submit your article for consideration.

Recommended Reading

For more information and advice on relationship and marriage counseling, take a look at the following books:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up

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Solutions for a Sexless Marriage

2012-12-05T21:02:34+00:00

Are you not getting the sex in your relationship you would like to have? Perhaps your partner isn’t interested or is suffering from low libido? Sex deprivation is a big problem in a surprising number of marriages and relationships. In fact, surveys have shown that as much as 30% of all couples have sex no more than ten times a year.

So if this applies to you take heart - you’re certainly not alone. Better still, you can do something about it! You could try (and perhaps you have) medication and/or counseling to try to resolve the issue of low libido. Both of these can prove reasonably effective in some instances. However the reality is that for many couples the problem goes much deeper, and in many cases the partner with the ‘problem’ of a lack of interest in sex is not willing to do something about it, or even recognize that there is a problem in the first place.

If you are in that situation, the first thing to realize is that a lack of sex is actually a symptom of other things going on in the relationship. Essentially, your spouse or partner has somehow had their ‘sex switch’ turned off. By this I mean that they have lost contact with their essential sexual nature. It’s up to you to learn how to turn it back on.

As a relationship matures over time, what tends to happen is that the behaviors of the two people towards each other gradually change. In the early, lustful days, everything is new and exciting. You are caught up with learning about each other and experiencing the thrill of a new partner. However, if you think carefully, you will begin to see that there were things that you did then that helped the sexual attraction process that you are probably no longer doing! These included:

* Making your relationship the highest priority in your life. This means going out of your way to spend time together; planning events around being together; putting your partner ahead of anyone else in your life;

* Putting in an effort to be attractive to your partner;

* Continually trying new things together;

* Being more of a sexual giver than a taker (putting your partner’s sexual pleasure ahead of yours).

Isn’t it interesting that the decline of sex in a relationship usually coincides with a decline in these things happening as well?

So the key lesson here is to find ways to do all of these things again. If you do, you will very likely find that the sexual element will come back into your relationship quite naturally. Incidentally, these things are what couples in long term, sexually satisfying relationships tend to do and have never stopped doing.

So to get more sex happening in your marriage try doing some of the following:

* Show your partner that your relationship is the most important thing to you in the world. Put him and the time you spend together ahead of anything else. Plan some fun things to do together, put off that work or social engagement and have a night out together instead. Don’t allow the children (or your mother!) and their activities to come before your spouse.

* Imagine you and your partner are going on your third date. How would you like to look? Start looking that way for him again! Plan intentionally to look attractive for him whenever he is around, not just when you are going out for the evening. Put on some makeup every day, keep your hair stylish and if you need to get your body back in shape, put some effort into doing it.

* Suggest you and your partner try new things together, both in and out of the bedroom. If we do the same thing over and over we all know it will get boring eventually. Why do we somehow think sex is an exception? Plan some new and interesting things to do. If your partner is ‘busy’ then start with small things, but get some variety and fun into your relationship.

* Start being very attentive and considerate to your partner without expecting anything back.

When you start to put your partner and your relationship first, interesting things start to happen. Your relationship begins to get some of its life back (the life that has been sapped by pressures and distractions of children, career, finances and ‘living’ in general) and it really isn’t too long before the sexual spark returns. You not only will get the sex back, but your relationship will give you the fulfillment and joy you always wanted.

This article was written by Michael Andrews. For a free report by Michael, “How to Reignite the Sexual Passion in Your Relationship” visit www.moreandbettersex.com

Do you want to write an article for us? Submit your article for consideration.

Recommended Reading

For more information and advice about sexless marriages, take a look at the following books:

Kiss Me Again: Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage
Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages
Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It

Getting What You Want in Bed

Read article or view all Sex articles

Is it Better to Live Alone?

2012-11-12T21:49:51+00:00

A lot of the clients who come to my websites asking me for a personal 1 2 1 professional expert session with them are people who are worrying about their relationships or lack of them.

Quite often when I speak to them I find that although they are living with someone (or married to them and living with them too) they are not at all happy. They may then assume it is because their partner is irresponsible, selfish, dishonest, too noisy or whatever.

Yet if you delve into things more than they already have you then see that they have lived with someone before and the same thing happened then. It is not so much that the person they are with is not suitable or perfect enough it is more to do with how they do not make suitable partners due to being better at living alone.

There are a few cases of people who are totally committed to each other, totally faithful, caring about each other and spending a lot of time together without living together. Although one or the other might then get feelings of insecurity or worry that things will go wrong the intelligent mature ones see that living together is no guarantee that their relationship will last longer or be better.

I have spoken to to a lot of people who live alone and assume that if they found a partner and moved in with them then they would be blissfully happy. Again they are often wrong. They have done this before and it has gone wrong. The women sometimes want a man purely for financial reasons (few men are rich and stupid enough to fall for this) and the men sometimes want the woman for housework or sex (how many women are dumb enough to fall for this? and who would want someone that dumb?).

One of the problems is that people tend to be self seeking now and are more likely to be interested in you for reasons other than love. Hence it is normal to see a dumb busty blonde go with an old wrinkly prune and understand that they have a relationship of convenience. He wants her for sex and appearances and she wants him for the dosh. With love comes care hence some relationships have no care at all. If the dumb busty blonde is only with the rich guy for his money she will lose interest if his business deals dry up and he becomes poor or if he becomes ill and needs nursing. But care can and should work two ways. Sometimes one of the partners cares for or loves the other less and then tries to take advantage of the other and hope that they love them so much that they do not care or they let it go.

Every relationship should involve a certain amount of compromise. Without it we have no guarantee that the relationship has been tested and works. If it only works when it is plain sailing and easy for both then how can we know it is a true relationship? Without some disagreements or arguments how do we know that one or both are not simply giving in for peace or to please the other and not having any real thoughts or needs of their own? A weak person may do this for a while, even a long while, but actually resent it, and then one day it all goes wrong. On the other hand if the are allowed to be themselves even at the risk of a row it is more likely that they can sort things out so that both are truly satisfied.

I have met a lot of couples where the woman proudly tells me her husband is always pleasing her yet you can see the poor man is under her thumb and henpecked and very miserable. If he had a chance to escape or do what he really wants he would but he will not break out of the spell. The woman is oblivious to or does not care how miserable he is so each really neither loves the other at all.

We owe it to ourselves and the people we meet in the future to work out if we are suited to living alone or being with someone before we start to look for or get involved in any relationships and only get involved with the ones that fit what we seek and offer.

This article was written by Charlotte Craig. Charlotte is a writer and advisor to women and has worked full time in this field for decades. You can read more of her articles here.

Do you want to write an article for us? Submit your article for consideration.

Recommended Reading

For more information and advice on living alone or with a partner, take a look at the following books:

Living Alone and Loving It: A Guide to Relishing the Solo Life
Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone
Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple

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When You Have Romantic Feelings Toward a Friend

2012-07-13T19:36:31+00:00

Friendships can develop into romantic relationships. If you are friends with someone you already have fostered the basics of a good relationship. No doubt you know this person pretty well and you obviously ‘click’ or you wouldn’t be friends. If you are considering whether to turn that friendship into something more, consider the following before you take the risky plunge.

Determine Why You Are Interested

Why are you having romantic feelings toward your friend? What is motivating your feelings? Are you on the rebound? Are you feeling lonely? Maybe you are dating around, but you are finding that it lacks something? Is your friend seeing someone and you feel jealous?

Determine why you are having romantic feelings for your friend before you ever act on them. You will either find that it is something as simple and temporary as being on the rebound, or it could actually be that you are feeling genuine romantic love toward him. Be honest to yourself about why you are having the feelings. Be sure of your feelings and be sure they are real and true before you act on them.

What Do You Know

There are instances when it is best to keep your romantic feelings for your friend to yourself. If he is married, if he has time and again told you that you are his ‘little sister’ or if he is in a serious relationship, it is probably for the best that you keep your mouth shut and your heart tucked away. These situations may change in the future, but for now, keep him strictly in the friend category.

Be Ready for Anything

Coming clean with your feelings is risky. You are risking your friendship. However, if you don’t come forward, you are risking the chance of finding true love. When you expose how you feel, that knowledge will change the relationship—there is no getting around it. It is just a fact. It might change for the better, or it might change for the worse. So, be ready for anything.

Talk to Him

If you’ve determined that your romantic feelings for your friend are genuine and they are not the temporary result of something else, and that it is worth the risk, you will need to come clean with your feelings. Being open about how you feel can be hard. It can be really, really hard if your friend has not shown any evidence of feeling romantic in return. However, holding on to your feelings is not a good thing. If you hold on to your feelings it will eventually make things awkward for you. You will be unable to hide your emotions and your friend will not understand why you are acting strange around him.

Have No Expectations

Do not go into the conversation expecting anything. Keep those dreamy, romantic fantasies far from you. Remember, you have had a long time to process and come to terms with your feelings. The chances are very high that you will not get the reaction you expect when you come forward with your feelings. This doesn’t necessarily mean that your friend can’t, doesn’t or won’t return your feelings, it just means that he will also need time to process, especially if he never suspected how you feel. Say what you have to say and tell him you are going to give him time to think. Don’t take any initial response you receive to heart.

Accept the Response

If your friend finally tells you that he is unable to return your romantic feelings for whatever reason, accept it. While it will hurt and you will feel rejected, you cannot make someone feel something that is not there. You cannot hold it against him. Try to maintain the friendship, if you can. However, if you are finding it difficult to still see him in a friend-way and hang out, tell him you need some time apart to get your feelings back on solid ground.

If your friend returns your feelings, go with it! You two already have the basis for what all solid relationships need, and that is friendship. Enjoy yourselves as you venture down this new path in the relationship and be thankful that you were courageous enough to take the risk!

Recommended Reading

For more information and advice on friendship, take a look at the following books:

The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care for
The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules for Making Meaningful Connections
When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You

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Thoughts on Love – Getting Past the Honeymoon Hangover

2012-06-12T19:53:15+00:00

While riding the train home from work the other day I noticed the phrase “where’s the love?” scribbled in graffiti on a building wall. It got me thinking about my past failed relationships and how crazy and imperfect and difficult and painful love can sometimes be. However, more recently I am the proud participant in a most wondrous and fulfilling relationship.

It wasn’t without it’s challenges and it certainly took some hard work and large degree of angst but I’m feeling particularly gratified at having recently negotiated this tricky post-honeymoon stage with my partner. So with the scars of experience I thought I’d share some personal insights into how we navigated this phase of love and reached a new level of maturity in our relationship.

It started with fairly basic stuff: I met this guy through a friend of mine at one of her art shows. He was single, an accountant and in his mid 30s. He didn’t knock me out when I saw him and the conversation wasn’t electrifying but there was something about him that stuck so that within a week I found myself looking forward to our next opportunity to meet.

Thankfully, Louise (my art friend) was having a follow up show and it was this second meeting where I knew something had got me excited about this guy. Anyway, one thing led to another, we had an awkward first date (who hasn’t!) and before long I guess you could say we were in that lovely, honey-flavoured, early stages of a relationship. But, 6 months later as the blissful dream began to curdle into sober reality I started to get seriously edgy and a barrage of issues preoccupied my consciousness. I had so much stuff built up from other failed relationships that before I was aware of what was happening I realised that I was blaming this guy for the pain and dysfunction of the earlier failures! It’s amazing how I finally had a guy that was treating me decently only for me to see it as a window of opportunity to vent all my past pains and grievances!!

This realisation was a deep shock, and needless to say somewhat of a watershed moment in our relationship. Love takes such enormous courage. In part due to the fact that I was confronted squarely with my own imperfections as a result of my human condition but I was going through the whole experience in front of the one person whom I didn’t want this to see! The incredible thing about true love, which I have now learnt, is that by baring the so called “ugly truth” about myself it didn’t drive my partner away like I thought it would but it only served to strengthen our relationship.

It’s simply breathtaking the capacity we humans have for love if given the chance to show it. So I can’t stress enough that if you have to lean on him for support then bloody well do it – it’s in our human nature to want to help others. He will appreciate that you view him with enough respect to be able to get his help with personal issues and he will love the feeling of being involved as an important part of your life. The other facet that became an issue was that I was becoming too clingy, too reliant, too overbearing about everything. Because I had that strong need for constant reassurance and reinforcement I became increasingly demanding of his attention, often at the expense of my own life progress and to his increasing annoyance. Again, I learned the hard way that it’s critical that both parties get on with their own lives – i.e. don’t become overly needy and dependent on his world, it’s important while the relationship is still in it’s early stages that you maintain your level of independence through your friends, job etc. If he’s worth his salt your worlds will naturally integrate, if not the relationship can be become unbalanced and lead to resentment.

Now I know this is sounding like I am the one with all the problems – that is completely not true – my partner has many problems and issues relating to his own upbringing and his own experience with the human condition. We have had equally as much trouble with his issues as we have with mine, but I wanted to avoid another typical “bitch” session where it’s just a meaningless attack on the male species. After all, one of the most important aspects in the success and longevity of our relationship is forgiveness. By no means would I call our relationship perfect or even blissful but it’s got one aspect about it, which I value above all others – it’s real and it’s honest. Relationships are messy, dysfunctional, imperfect, angst-ridden and uncoordinated but guess what? That’s human nature, and with a little courage and honesty! I know that amongst all the apparent imperfection that defines modern relationships you can find that amazing human-to-human connection with someone that will be more than just a “flash in the pan”.

This article was written by Melanie Dugan. Mel has found that understanding and appreicating the true meaning of love has helped her gain some objectivity and therefore more honesty about her role in nurturing a relationship in love.

Do you want to write an article for us? Submit your article for consideration.

Recommended Reading

For more information and advice on beating the honeymoon hangover, take a look at the following books:

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships

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Is it Better to Live Alone?

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The Three Keys to Creating Passion in Your Relationship

2012-06-08T17:21:05+00:00

Nothing affects our happiness or the quality of our life more than the state of our marriage or intimate relationship. We can have everything else in the world – all the money, fame and success that we want. We can even have great relationships with other people, including our friends and our children. But if the connection we have with our intimate partner isn’t strong, success in any other area will have a hollow ring.

Unfortunately, the majority of people in relationships don’t have the passion and intimacy they really want. The divorce courts are evidence of that. And of the couples that do stay together, those who enjoy continued and developing intimacy are in such a minority that they really stand out. However, having a relationship that IS filled with deep passion and excitement is not only possible, it’s very achievable. It simply comes down to doing some basic things on a continuous basis. It’s like everything else in our life: find out the right things to do, do them, and continue to do them until you get the result you want.

Here are three of the key things that will help you to create the passion and intimacy in your relationship that you really want. And here’s a clue: if you’ve been in your marriage for a while, they’re almost certainly things that you used to do when things were passionate, and which you’ve simply stopped doing.

Put your relationship first. If your relationship has more influence on your overall happiness than anything else, doesn’t it make sense to make it the highest priority in your life? Whatever you do in your life, consider the impact on your partner first. Make spending time together come before anything else. Be grateful for your partner and for the fact that you have a relationship with someone at all (millions of people don’t and they live desperately lonely lives).

Meet your partner’s needs before your own. Many people are in relationships for what they can get out of them and feel affronted if their “needs aren’t met”. But think back to the early days when you and your partner got together: isn’ it true that you would do anything for them and you got great pleasure from seeing them happy? When we lovingly put our partner’s needs before our own – with a healthy self esteem – it often has the strange effect of actually getting us what we want much more quickly.

Turn your relationship into an adventure. Don’t just ‘settle’ into your set routine. Try some different things together. These can be around the interests you both have, but why not branch out into something completely different and see if you both like it? Sexually, why not be a bit more experimental? It seems that sex is the only part of our lives where we can do the same things over and over and yet be surprised that it gets boring! Sharing new and fun experiences engages our emotions and links them back to our partner. It also makes our life much more fulfilling when we are stepping out of our ‘comfort zone’ and experiencing new things. If you want to get passion out of your relationship, you have to put passion into it. If you’re unsure what to do, think back to the feelings you had and the things you did when you first got together. Imagine you are starting out again with your partner and make every day a fun new day. A passionate relationship might require a bit of effort, but it is so worth it!

This article was written by Michael Andrews. Michael is a counsellor, speaker and author of three books including the best-selling, “Real Intimacy: The 9 Habits of Great Relationships”. For more on how to create renewed passion and intimacy in your marriage or relationship visit http://www.lovesexinstitute.com/

Do you want to write an article for us? Submit your article for consideration.

Recommended Reading

For more information and advice on creating and maintaining passion in relationships, take a look at the following books:

The Passion Trap: Where Is Your Relationship Going?
Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships

Solutions for a Sexless Marriage

Read article or view all Sex articles

Discover Your Secret Sexual Bounce

2012-05-15T15:36:35+00:00

If we’ve said it once…we’ve said it a million times….

“For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time. ” ~Isabel Allende

Now, these words are not meant to be taken literally (as there are plenty places “down there” that need attending to) but I find that many if not all women, regardless of age, race, location or level of sexual desire, all tend to agree on one common theme: FOREPLAY DOES NOT START IN THE BEDROOM. This concept in and of itself appears to be purposely ignored by most men with an almost stubborn refusal to grasp its core concept. WHY DO THEY DO THAT??

If asked directly, any guy I know would immediately concede to the ‘want’ and ‘desire’ to please his girl. Why the idea of ‘verbal foreplay’ is met with such resistance is something I will never understand. I have seen it in action, I have felt its physical response and I am here to report one thing….“sigh…”. I certainly cannot speak for all women everywhere but I feel confident in speaking for the majority. Grab a tit, smack an ass and there will be a long road ahead, requiring hard work to get a gal going. Tell a woman how you see her, tell her how she makes you feel, tell her intimate descriptions that only her lover gets to witness and I assure you, panties will be around ankles before there’s even a chance to lock the door.

I know this may seem as if I am appealing to men (and if by any chance there are guys out there reading this…listen closely) but my real objective is to let women know it’s ok and totally within our rights to ask (if not demand) what it is you want from your sexual partner. Let’s think about it shall we? Have men ever proved too meek or shy when it comes to requesting (if you consider a slight nudge to the back of our heads a ‘request’) to let us know what they want in bed? They have somehow all been born and raised with the idea that their pleasure is always within legitimized rights and our roll is to fulfill them. Great!! Happy to!! It’s actually a complete turn on and thrill to bring your lover pleasure. Personally? All for it. So, what’s the problem? I have discovered that all too many women do not feel the same justification in demanding the same return of pleasure. How did that happen? When did society dictate that men are in control? That men are more deserving then women when it comes to sexual fulfillment?

We have been raised to believe that keeping a man happy in bed will keep him faithful, will keep him ‘sane’. We have been raised with a simultaneous concept that sexual wholeness is not as important to the female counter part. Bullshit! Sorry, there is no other word for it. Any woman who doesn’t think her sexual fulfillment rates high on her priority list (and forgive my brutal assumptions) has simply never had good sex. Let me rephrase that. Perhaps she has engaged in ‘good’ sex… ‘decent’ sex…’nice’…‘sweet’ sex with her partner but I would bet the bank that she has never achieved an orgasm only to open her eyes and have completely forgotten where she was. Where time has stood still and all that existed was that wave that runs through you, encompasses you and for a brief but heavenly moment, you have forgotten where and who you are. That my sister, is ‘damn good’ sex and that is what we all deserve. To each of us that may translate into a million different things (sometimes, even all at once!) and that is what I am here telling you that we as women have every right to ask for.

For us sex goes deeper then a touch here and a caress there. Whether it’s love you’re making or up against the wall heat you’re seeking, each experience can only be increased in pleasure with verbal play and unabashed communication. I admit, sometimes a simplistic ‘horny’ need over takes us and we are good to go but every woman will find that the right sentiment (sometimes dirty, sometimes loving, sometimes a combination of both) will ultimately lead to true sexual satisfaction.

Look at it like this (for all us suburban, fresh dinner on the table kinda girls)….does a good meal not require preparation? A trip to the market? A marinade over night? Give the same attention to your love life. You’d be pleasantly surprised how just the right text, the short but perfectly worded email, will get your workaholic man home early for a change with his belt already unbuckled.

Excitement. Passion. Fantasy. Things we all want. Things most of us are missing. We can never reenact the ‘first kiss’ (nothing like it, huh?) but we can create other firsts and similar moments to remind us of how it felt and who we once were. I realize it sounds as if I am solving all our problems with a rise in our own sexuality and gratifying orgasms and maybe there is a part of me that believes that to be true.

I have learned many valuable lessons in life and in writing this today, one in particular stands out. Sometimes that which we want from others, begins with our own personal change. Look in the mirror and visualize who you want to be…then be ‘HER’! Don’t be intimidated by who you have been until now or the rules your life has set for you because sometimes it takes a strong woman to inspire change and make her fantasy her everyday reality. I can only speak from experience but when I feel sexy, I feel strong. A million years ago (when I was just a child) I remember going shopping with my favorite aunt. In the dressing room I noticed her lacy underwear and thigh highs, I was perplexed. I asked her why she would wear such blatantly sexual undergarments on an average day, just running random errands and shopping with her young niece. Her response? “Sweetie, it just makes me feel sexy and feminine all day…it’s my little secret”. I thought she was nuts! So much effort to be appreciated by no one. Today? I totally get it. If my day is comprised of nothing but running to the market or driving carpool, you can be rest assured that underneath the standard uniform of ‘soccer mom’ I am a walking seductress. Why? Because it makes me feel good damnit! The secret may always be mine but it is a secret that puts a sexual bounce in my step and hey, you never know what the day may bring…..

You gotta start somewhere and I encourage all women out there to find their secret ‘sexual bounce’ and run with it!

This article was written by Grace Lansing. Grace run the website, ‘the broad review’ where women can ask questions, share thoughts, seek advice and find support.

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Recommended Reading

For more information and advice on sex and feeling sexy, take a look at the following books:

Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think
The Power of WOW: A Guide to Unleashing the Confident, Sexy You
Getting the Sex You Want: Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together

The Three Keys to Creating Passion in Your Relationship

Read article or view all Sex articles

Single Mom Dating Tips

2012-04-18T21:08:48+00:00

As a single mom it can be difficult to venture out into the dating world. Single mothers have to wear many hats, putting on the dating hat, too, can be overwhelming. The good news is it’s possible to be a single mom and have fun dating and relaxing with people of the opposite sex. The key is to keep your wits about you, and to understand that you are the one that makes the rules. Here are some tips that can help guide you.

Be Emotionally Healthy

If you have recently left a relationship, give yourself time to heal emotionally before you start dating. It is easy to get involved with someone who is not truly compatible for you when you are lonely, vulnerable, and when your self-esteem may be low. Wait until your heart heals so you can avoid a disastrous rebound relationship. When you do enter the dating scene, don’t become exclusive with the first man that raises your interest.

Keep It Real

Single mothers are notorious for being martyrs. Don’t forego dating, or keep yourself from enjoying a date when you are on it, because of worry or guilt about your children being left with a sitter. If you don’t keep those feeling in check, you may find that they do a number on your brain. In fact, they can easily become an excuse for you to avoid intimacy and a social life altogether.

Never Chase After a Man

One of the biggest mistakes that women make, whether a single mom or not, is chasing after men. Men have hunting instincts and they like challenges. Let men initiate the contact again and again. If they are truly interested, they will continue to call and ask to spend time with you.

Tune In to Your Date

Do not spend your entire dating time talking about your children non-stop. Allot five to ten minutes of communication time to the subject of your children, if they are brought up, and then move the conversation along. If all you do is talk about your children when you are on a date, the man may begin to feel that there is no room in your life for anyone else. He may also think that you don’t have much going on as an individual because you’ve wrapped your whole identity up in being a ‘mom’.

Down Downplay Your Children

When you do meet a man who you feel may be Mr. Right, never feel that because you have children that you are less of a catch. Be proud that you are a mom and never send the message that you feel it hinders you, or makes you less worthy of a relationship. Never feel or act apologetic for being a package-deal. Any man that is worth your time will respect you and your life and he will be capable of rising to the occasion and forming a quality relationship with you.

Your Children

Children make attachments very easy. You should not let a man come into your home and interact with your children unless you are fairly certain he is going to be around for a very long stretch of time. Wait until you have formed a strong bond with a man before you bring him into your children’s lives. If possible, keep your children from seeing the various men you date. Arrange for them to be a sitter’s or relative’s home when you go out on dates, or arrange to meet your date outside or at a public place.

With that said, you should never lie or keep things from your children. However, do keep the information you give to them at an age-appropriate level. Do not feel that you have to hide the fact that you are going out with ‘a friend’ a secret. While they shouldn’t know everything you do when you go out, do give them some idea of what you will be doing so they can feel at peace with you away. You children need to learn (and respect) that you are an individual, not just a mom. They need to learn it is OK for mom to go out to eat or to a movie with a friend.

Never ask your children to keep anything from their father. This confuses children and makes them feel insecure. If your children’s father comes to you and says that the children told him you were dating, don’t get into a discussion about it with him. You are no longer a couple and your life is your own. As long as you are being a good mother, who you date and where you go is none of his business.

Recommended Reading

For more information and advice on dating as a single mother, take a look at the following books:

How to Date Like a Grown-Up
The Single Mother’s Guide to Dating Well without Parenting Poorly
Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World

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The Rules of Friendship

2012-02-23T20:26:00+00:00

Friends are the people who are in your life because you want them in your life. While platonic friendships don’t have the major commitment qualities like a family or romantic relationship has, a true friendship will be able to last a lifetime – long after the death of parents, and the comings and goings of love interests. Yet, just like in family and romantic relationship, friendships can have issues and there are rules to follow. Here are the basic rules of friendship and how to determine if a friend in your life is breaking the rules.

Be loyal to your friends in good times and in bad times. If a friend only wants to hang out with you when life is good for you and they avoid you when you are having problems, they are not a true friend.

Respect the person for who they are, not the money or position they hold. You should be able to feel if someone is hanging out with you because they like you as a person. If you pick up on things that alert you that the person is only in the friendship because you have money or you hold a position in society or work that they admire, they are not a true friend.

Keep your word and do what you say you will do. If you are in a friendship with someone and they never do what they tell you they will do, they are not being a good friend to you.

Don’t talk about your friends behind their backs. If you are hearing that a friend of yours is gossiping about you, ask the friend to see if it is true. If it is, they are not a true friend to you.

Don’t share your friend’s secrets with others. This goes back to gossiping. If you have confided something in a friend and others learn about it, your friend has betrayed your confidence and they are not acting as a true friend to you.

Always be honest with your friends. There is a difference between being honest and being critical. Appreciate a friend who will be open and honest enough with you to tell you if an outfit looks terrible on you or if your have bad breath. Think twice about a friend who is always nitpicking at you and who seems to be bent on bashing you as a person.

Accept your friends for who they are. Everyone is different and has their own spiritual and moral reasons for the things they do, or don’t do, in life. If you have a friend who is consistently trying to get you to change who you are at your foundational core, they are not accepting, appreciating, and loving you for who you are. An individual who tries to get you to change your principles and morals is not being a true friend.

Never take your friends for granted. If you have a friend who does things because they know you will come along behind them and clean up their messes, or if they always assume you’ll do things without asking you first, they are taking advantage of you. While friends should be willing to help each other out and be there for each other without expecting anything in return, a blanket assumption that you will always do things for them simply ‘because’ is not a healthy relationship.

Friends will see each other’s point of view. A friendship should work both ways. No one person is always right and no one person is always wrong. If you are in a friendship with someone who is unable to listen to you or see your point of view during times of turmoil or chaos, this person is behaving selfishly and isn’t validating you as an individual.

Friends will maintain some type of quality communication with each other. Friends don’t have to be joined at the hip or see each other all the time. However, if a true friendship is in place, quality communication will be taking place to keep the friendship solid. The communication can be via phone, email, snail-mail, or in-person. If you have a friend who doesn’t have the time of day for your when they get a new man in their life or when they may another new friend, they are not behaving as a true friend to you.

After reading through the rules of friendship you may see problems with some of the friends in your life. Maybe they aren’t treating you like they should. If so, it could be time for a long talk with your friend about your relationship. Once things are brought to their attention things could change for the better.

On a side note, don’t forget to apply the rules to yourself, too. If you think you are failing one of your friends and not being a true friend to them, plan to do things different. After all, friendship is a two-way street.

Recommended Reading

For more information and advice on friendship, take a look at the following books:

More in Love & Relationships: Friendship & Single Life

When You Have Romantic Feelings Toward a Friend

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Dealing with Your Man’s Midlife Crisis

2012-02-08T20:09:43+00:00

If you sense that your man is going through a midlife crisis, keep in mind that all men do not behave dangerously or recklessly or do things to destroy their relationships. Yet, this doesn’t mean these ‘good guys’ don’t struggle with midlife issues. It’s perfectly acceptable for your man to question past decisions and/or to make impulsive changes. As long as he is not doing anything that is harmful, let him learn from past decisions and make changes where he wishes. Here are some things you can deal to help your guy through this challenging time.

Encourage Small Changes

When a man is going through a midlife crisis, he likes change simply because it is something different. If your man seems to have lost interest in things that normally thrilled or interested him – such as hobbies, work, friends, sports, and more – this is a sign that your guy is becoming bored with life. Encourage the small changes you see him learning toward, even if it something as small as trying new foods, watching different kinds of television programs, or wearing a new style of clothing or trying a new hobby. Having the freedom to make changes in these small areas can go a long way in staving off the big changes that some men can make during their midlife crisis that can wreak havoc on a relationship.

Be There and Don’t Fall for the Bait

Sometimes men who are going through midlife crisis seem to turn into fault-finding machines. Nothing anyone says or does is pleasing to them—and that includes you and the things you do, too. While he may seem to be itching for a fight, try not to be fault-finding of him during his mood changes. During this stage in life many men feel emotionally weak and empty, but they want to appear strong. So, try not to take it personal and realize that it is just a symptom of a life adjustment that your partner is making internally. Don’t let it start arguments that will give him a ‘justification’ for behaving more outlandish. Give your man the space he needs to work out his issues, but do verbally let him know that you are there for him if he should ever want to talk or just snuggle.

Have a Relationship Re-Do

Men who are going through a midlife crisis feel the loss of youth and sexual vitality. For some men, this often leads to sexual adventures outside of the relationship. To help affair proof your marriage during this weak time in your husband’s life, do a relationship re-do. This doesn’t mean you scrap everything about your marriage, but do make changes that bring sexual life back into the relationship. Let your sexual inhibitions go and let your husband know you find him sexually attractive. Do things you have never done before like taking your husband to an adults-only weekend getaway, dressing sexy, talking dirty, having sexual encounters in different places at different times of the day than the norm, and more.

With this in mind, you should know that a man going through a midlife crisis may seem to lose interest in sex. This is generally due to a lack of testosterone and other physical issues and it has nothing to do with you or how sexually attracted he is to you. If you think your man falls into this category, don’t put any sexual pressure on him. Be patient with him and let him know through word and deed that you enjoy being around him. Intimacy doesn’t always have to involve sex. Believe it or not, some men just want to be cuddled.

Take Care of You

When your guy is going through a midlife crisis and changes and mood swings seem to be all around, don’t forget to take care of yourself. What your man is going through has nothing to do with you, no matter what he may say. Also, keep in mind that you are more than just your relationship, so do things that keep you feeling good about yourself. If you find that you are getting to a point that you can cope with your husband’s midlife crisis, don’t be afraid to seek out professional help. A midlife crisis can result in depression – not only for the man, but for the female in his life.

Recommended Reading

For more information and advice on midlife crises, take a look at the following books:

Men in Midlife Crisis
Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis
How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis

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