"Fat Chat Feed" via Fat in Google Reader

In The News

2013-06-18T20:02:24Z

The AMA has endorsed the idea that “obesity” is a disease, not a “condition”. (Personally I consider it a characteristic.) Forbes states that this is “a move member physicians hope will spur better reimbursement for treating overweight Americans and create better health outcomes.” Exactly how it’s supposed to “create better health outcomes” when commonly prescribed treatments do not work long-term or create good health outcomes is not addressed.

In good things, Shakesville’s Fatsronauts 101 series continues to hit it out of the park.

The NY Times does a piece on Melissa McCarthy that doesn’t focus on her weight. That’s allowed?

The NY Times also reminds people go get some sleep.

Filed under: Anti-Obesity Programs, fat acceptance, FatnessInGeneral, News, Sleep

My first column for DIVA magazine is out!

2013-06-18T16:46:00Z

My first Seeing Queerly column for DIVA magazine is out! You can get it in all the usual magazine stockists, and directly via the DIVA website.

This month I'm talking about the weird world of the obesity expert, and how it differs from my queer world o' fat.

By the way, I'm an experienced and versatile freelance journalist and available for commissions.

Proudface, hehe.

An exercise

2013-06-18T14:33:44Z

Just as a change of pace, try the following. Take an article about the “obesity epidemic,” and substitute the word “sexiness” for “obesity.” Does that improve the article? Make it fun? Make it silly?

I tried it myself, and it really helped, up until the phrase “sexiness-related diabetes.” :(

The Tankini

2013-06-18T00:23:57Z

So it’s getting on summer (Although it doesn’t feel that way in NYC), and blog posts will be shorter and there will be no blog posts on the following dates: 7/29, 8/5, 8/12, 8/26^th. Normally I might take a summer break but fat hatred doesn’t. If I don’t post those days it’s not because I had a combo heart attack, diabetes, MS, plane crash, global warming catastrophe, I’m going to be on vacation, enjoying good food and fun exercise.

Last Sunday was the Big Fat Flea (Formerly the Fat Girl’s Flea). My favorite fat positive annual event. (Love it to be a bi-annual event, hint, hint). This year I paid $25 to get in a half hour early. And for $53 I walked out with: 2 pairs of pants, an awesome torrid dress, a hippie shirt, beads for my niece, sunglasses, a bathing suit, a swimming shirt, and tankini top. (I now have more tops than bottoms.)

Recently I joined an outdoor pool and despite the weather have been swimming 2-4 times a week. Unlike the once a week I was doing at the pool from hell. This meant a bathing suit upgrade from the 3 regular and one emergency bathing suit (the emergency suit was fraying.)

So off I went to Marshalls which has been going downhill for a while. I don’t blame Marshalls for the fact that two piece bikinis vanish after size 12, or that thin women’s bathing suits look like string and fat women’s a full-on evening gowns but I do blame them for their lack of inventory. Once we get pass the fat ceiling of size 16, selection and quantity becomes horrendous. I understand that not all fat women want to wear tankini, bikini and some even like the skirts but we are 2/3 of the majority, why do we have to get crap. All they had in my size was a few one piece dresses. I found one bathing suit, saw the long line and figured I might do better at Sears next door.

I did. Even though I call Sears the store of the most returns. If Sears didn’t have a better selection of bathing suits, I would tell them to stick to appliances.

Sears had tankinis, one pieces and skirts. But the tankini bottom and tops were sold separately and even with a half-off sale the pieces were $25 double than what the were in Marshalls. I ended up buying $125 worth of bathing suits. I'm not against spending more to get good quality, but I had a feeling that in one or two years I would be replacing them.

I thought about waiting for the flea to get my bathing suit but the one thing the flea doesn't have is quality control. It is all based on donations.

Doesn't mean I'm disappointed. I never am. I always find a great piece (This year being the Torrid dress) At the flea I got a bathing suit, a top and a swim shirt for $15. Two of them were from a sample sale and never worn. I also feel like I'm a person at the flea because I know that the organizers are looking out for us. They want shoppers to go away with that one or more great article of clothing.

Adipositivity 610: ANNIVERSARY MESSAGE from Substantia Jones

2013-06-17T00:00:00Z

AN ANNIVERSARY MESSAGE FROM SUBSTANTIA JONES What a week last week was. The Huffington Post, Bust Magazine, The Daily Mail, several other outlets, and a couplefew interviews for pending articles. All this attention not only blew sunshine up my skirt, but also resulted in gobloads of mail, much of it from folks for whom the concept of resistance against body shame is new. I find that exciting and energizing. Outreach overdrive! Also last week: The Adipositivity site was hacked and two years worth of photographs were removed from view. I was threatened with a team of lawyers, suspended from tumblr, and informed by my web host (honestly lovely people) that I need to rebuild the site elsewhere by June of next year. I was called a “fat piece of shit” on Facebook by a dude in a non-ironic trucker hat with a cover photo filled with rows and rows of beer cans. (I think he's single, Ladies!) God only knows what they’re calling me in the comments sections of the above media pieces. Aaaand my rickety old computer began taking its last few gasps. Yes, the computer where all the naked fat ladies live. With the positive attention comes the negative. I'm cool with that. But I think I had a headache for seven days straight. While going through each of the 600ish Adipositivity images to remove hacker code, I was reminded of the way things were when I started the project in ’07. Laurie Toby Edison's “Women En Large” was on many a fatty bookshelf, but Leonard Nimoy’s book didn’t yet exist. Nuded-up fatfolk on the internet? Rare. For the purposes of uplift and empowerment? Rarer still. The Fatosphere was new enough for me never to have heard of it. My idea of fat activism began and ended with Marilyn Wann and NAAFA. That was it. Look at it today. Not only can I not keep up with all that's written and produced, there are activism efforts of which I’m not even aware. This is delicious stuff. This is progress. Many more battles to wage, but I’m committed to hanging in there with the rest of you as long as I can. Hey, I tattooed my ass, didn’t I? (Answer: No.) Thanks, as always, for your interest in the project. And thank you, Adiposers, for six years of dropping trou for my camera. I’d better stop here, before I start using words like ‘journey.’ If you’d care to give to the Adipositivity Computer & Aspirin Fund, you may do so by dusting off the old 'donate' button down on the left. Your contribution will be smiled at, then put to adipositive use. In that order. ~Substantia Jones Adipose: Of or relating to fat. Positivity: Characterized by or displaying acceptance or affirmation. MISSION: The Adipositivity Project aims to promote size acceptance, not by listing the merits of big people, or detailing examples of excellence (these things are easily seen all around us), but rather, through a visual display of fat physicality. The sort that's normally unseen. The hope is to widen definitions of physical beauty. Literally. The photographs here are sometimes close details of the fat female form, often without the inclusion of faces. One reason for this is to coax observers into imagining they're looking at the fat women in their own lives, ideally then accepting them as having aesthetic appeal which, for better or worse, often translates into more complete forms of acceptance. The women you see in these images are educators, executives, mothers, musicians, professionals, performers, artists, activists, clerks, and writers. They are perhaps even the women you've clucked at on the subway, rolled your eyes at in the market, or joked about with your friends. This is what they look like with their clothes off. Some are showing you their bodies proudly. Others timidly. And some quite reluctantly. But they all share a determination in altering commonly accepted notions of a narrow and specific beauty ideal. Bookmark adipositivity.com and check back often, as new photographs are added regularly(ish). And please help spread the message. The Adipositivity Project: Changing attitudes about the aesthetic validity of big women, one fat fanny at a time. ABOUT THE PHOTOGRAPHER: Substantia Jones’ photography has been exhibited in galleries and museums throughout the US East Coast, and has appeared in The New York Times, Time Out New York, and some other publications she can’t recall at this time, but you probably haven’t heard of them anyway. She is biographied in the 2006 Who’s Who in America (though under the name her momma gave her), and back in the day, she won some photography awards which would sound somewhat Mayberry if listed here, but at the time, they damn near made her cry. Still kinda do. She lives in Manhattan, where she also sometimes steps out (more like lays around) in front of the camera, and on some of those occasions, the snapping is done by her trusty sidekick, Dr. H, who also fetches her banana popsicles and maintains her muse, a certain pancake colored dog who’s asked that his name not be mentioned on the Internet. Ms. Jones likes crispy calamari, Squidbillies, and the ika okonomiyaki from Otafuku in the East Village, if only the lines weren’t so long. Thou shalt not reproduce without permission. Except for babies. Make all o' them you want. © The Adipositivity Project 2007-2013

“It gets better” is not enough

2013-06-17T01:48:00Z

I am sure that the people who say “It gets better” mean well. I am sure that they want to keep children from killing themselves. But “it gets better” doesn’t help a kid who is being teased mercilessly by his/her peers. If you’re 14 years old, and all your classmates have turned on you, what good is it to hear that things will be better in a year or more? I heard that sort of crap a lot when I was a kid, and I don’t remember it helping me much.

When I was that kid being picked on, what I learned was that adults can’t help, mostly because they don’t know how. I don’t know how well that has advanced, but I suspect it hasn’t.

To those who say “it gets better,” I’m sorry for disparaging your message. It isn’t wrong, at least most of the time. I was rocked with three emotional crises over a short period of time, but two years after the first one, I was a lot better. High school was still a trial, but it was better than eighth grade, and I did manage to gather together a group of friends. But “it gets better” isn’t much to offer a kid who is hurting now. Why can’t we make it better for that kid now?

The only thing I know is that, more than anything in the world, I want to help that kid who had trouble dealing with the torment. It seems to me that school administrators could do more to make their schools emotionally safe places. But maybe they don’t know how.

Welcome Bloop and other delights.

2013-06-15T08:20:00Z

Oops.

I posted this before I finished it,

Ahem,

Take two.

I am right now in bed cuddled up with my brand new Chromebook whom I have dubbed Bloop the Mighty, I am wrapped in my leopard print snuggy, I have coconut milk to drink.

This reclining while writing thing is pretty amazing.

My aching knees are not cold, my back doesn't hurt. I'm not saving every thirty seconds in a paranoid fashion.

I've even made my first writing submissions from wee Bloop.

This is all just amazing and wonderful.

Thank you again K. Thank you so so much.

Now can we talk about something?

If you are bothered by talk about periods I bid you farewell because we need to talk about my period.

Once upon a time I thought periods were no big deal. I sneered and made fun of people who lamented about them or whined about being bed ridden with cramps,

And then I turned 30.

Holy fucking shit.

Since I turned 30 my periods first just got wild. It was like playing Russian Roulette with my uterus. Clots, heavy bleeding, light spotting for a full seven days.

And then a couple of years ago the pain settled in.

My already cranky knees get swollen and sore. Or for some reason things like my hips or hands or feet hurt.

What the real actual fuck?

Also I'm regular. As in I've been using a period tracker app and even though about twice a year my period moves backward through the calender, I'm regular. 25 (um really body? TWENTY FIVE DAY CYCLE WTF R U DOING) day cycle, and then the roll of the dice.

If I bleed lightly everything hurts. I mean from the back of my neck to my toes, my scalp is tender my tits hurt. It's just not okay.

Or I bleed like it's a race and my uterus will win.

And the eating.

Goodness. My body demands fuel for the bleeds and wow. I am never so constantly hungry for EVERYTHING.

I used to just have cravings. You know I'd want fries, or meat, or nothing.

Now I WILL EAT EVERYTHING I SEE,

I often joke that my uterus has found the fountain of youth. When I was a teenager (I started a bit late) I thought I was supposed to have PERIODS. I mean that in an absolutely all caps holy shit way. I was pretty disappointed I didn't have that and then I thought well, all the hype is just hype and went skipping through the proverbial meadow as we all who have periods do.

As I get older it amazes me just how much bullshit I totally thought was legit this is how it is type stuff. All because it's what doctors and the tv said.

I can admit it. I was a total asshole about period related pain. When friends would say they were curled up in the fetal position in bed with a heating pad and drugs and in tears, I called bullshit.

And now this.

This leads me to believe that I was right to start questioning what I thought was medical gospel.

Going by what doctors have told me I should be any of these things for various reasons from being fat to being fat AND Black at the same time:

Dead of diabetes (presumed to be unamanaged)
Dead because I just continued to gain ALL THE WEIGHT,
So full of fat I shouldn't be able to walk, talk or breathe.

Etc etc,

When I lost so much weight in my 20s my doctors spent a lot of time alternately congratulating me and giving me dire warnings about regaining weight. As a teenager when I was doing high school activities like being a cheerleader (I know right? LOL) and being on the dance team, I complained then to a doctor about problems I was having with my knees.

I remember my knees swelling up, over time I lost a lot of flexibility and I was really scared.

Yes I was a little chubby and under that chubby along with that chubby I was athletic. I could dance. I wa a pretty good kicker, I was strong.

My doctor told me I was just fat.

Said with a straight face by someone who was awsare that I passed a lot of my fitness tests with flying colors except for things like coordination, I wasn't (ever) a good runner even at my fittest. But yes I was strong with a good layer of fat.

So I didn't get treated.

I wonder now if I had gotten adequate treatment then and wasn't made to feel like I had to start engaging in what would become a pathological amount of exercise, if my relationship with my body wouldn't have taken so long to get to a good place?

What if, what if.

I can also look back and see where things got me all fucked up,

I fully believed that despite my ability to do sit ups and push ups and pull ups and splits and high kicks blablabla, I was just fat and unfit because I wasn't a sports type athlete.

Also (this may not be right) I was frequently feeling like the fattest fatty fat fat because I was in fact built a lot differently than most of my friends. I was bigger than them. My perception of the inherent wrongness of my body (as most of us go through in adolescence) and the belief that if only I worked hard enough and did the right exercise I could change the shape of my body and eventually it would be acceptable and be a good body.

I also thought if I forced myself to run, eventually I would love it.

I never did. I still don't.

What if I had learned back then that I don't have to force myself to run because someone else has a different standard for bodies than I do?

What if I'd been able to even tell my Mother that I was afraid that there was something really wrong with my knees and ask her for help talking to the doctor?

What if my then nascent and still unformed belief that all bodies are good bodies and that fat isn't the devil had been supported?

When I did read my first book that talked about being "fat" (I put it in quotes because the author harped a lot on how awful being a size 12 was and how gross it was and later I found out she lost a shitload of weight and referred to her former self as being gross...you know how it is) I was so excited.

Granted I thought if I could be a size 12 too (even back then I was around a 12/14) then maybe I too could radically accept my body.

Here's my point my friends,

This shit is really fucking hard.

Never forget that it is a process and there is no Super Fatty Benchmark of Fat Awesomeness,

None of us who you might look to for advice or wisdom about these things sprung forth from the womb knowing and understanding these things.

Shit some days I STILL don't totally get it,

It takes a lot of work and frequently going through a lot of bullshit to get a handle on body politics.

But here's the awesome part.

Every piece of information you ever needed about bodies, fatness, the politics, the academics, the science, the personal positions, HAES, mindful eating, why Real Women Have Curves type activism is terrible, about how intersectionality works and how to navigate it, how to be a good ally, how to not be a racist dickbag, how to talk about gender in an inclusive way and so much more is right here.

Dudes, DOOODS so much of that information is freaking free.

You have the googles. You have the facebooks. You have the twitters.

Unlike me you won't have to rely on interlibrary book loans, requests for books that nobody has ever heard of, you don't have to buy books unless you want to. Babes, it is all here.

My personal credo is that yes knowledge is power.

You can never know too much about how to navigate intersectionality, you can never know too much about the interactions between parallel and intersecting privileges.

It's so exciting,

And frankly, you can do it. I do not want to hear that it's too academic or that it's too hard. If this were ten years ago I'd buy that but not now because there is a diverse range of voices out there. You just have to do some work.

Yes.

Fat acceptance, feminism, etc etc whatever you are doing takes work. It takes work and the sure knowledge that you do not yet know all the things. That even if you haev the masters of all masters degrees in something, there are going to be parts of it that you cannot speak to or from because it's just not a part of your life.

That's okay.

Remember you don't have to speak from all angles, I used to try and do that and frankly it drove me nuts.

The flip side to that is that you must remember that just because something doesn't speak to your personal specific experience, no one is saying your experience is invalid. Nor is anyone ever saying your personal experience is more or less important than mine or another persons,

Experiences are often similar, often just the same and just as often completely different,

No one can create ALL their content tailored to you. That is a shitty position to be in so don't do it,

Right now my homies remember this.

I did not learn these things overnight. I didn't take classes, I don't have a degree, I am just a person who has had an interest in body politics and has talked about them for a very long time. I made the choice a long time ago, even before this little blog was born, before the Fatosphere was a thing, before I found Fatshionista, before I found the internet to learn this shit.

You can too if you want,

And I am very happy to be a part of your learning

Next week I want to talk about stuff that is difficult for me.i want to talk about figuring out some stuff with my health situation, how I am dealing with it and how I am self caring through it,

I love you my homies and haters.

Homo Out.

If you are seeing this post anywhere other than http://blog.nudemuse.org or via a feed reader it has been stolen.

Get into A Ton of Trouble -- Book 4 of the Josephine Fuller mystery series -- now available in trade paperback

2013-06-15T14:00:00Z

A Ton of Trouble, the fourth book in Lynne Murray's Josephine Fuller mystery series, is now available in trade paperback at Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com, The Book Depository, and the Pearlsong Press retail store. Look for it soon at Powells.com. A Ton...

The Fitbit

2013-06-14T06:49:35Z

I’ve been seeing pedometers discussed a bit lately. In some ways, they get a bad rap; we’ve seen them [mis-]used in “wellness” programs and that accuracy varies. Although they can be amusing, as noted by one NY Times commenter:

Fitbit has a clip on model that I attach to the waistband of tights or to the center of my bra. I’ve had this one for a year and it’s gone through the laundry and still works…though it did count the washing and drying as 37 flights of stairs.

- comment from Karen in Chicago

Ana Mardoll, meanwhile, uses one to be sure she doesn’t walk too much.

As it happens, I’ve had a Fitbit Zip for about 6 months now. What does it say?

Graph showing daily average steps for every 7 days

The above graph the daily average steps for each week. There’s some variations, but it varies between 2400 and 5500 per day.

Daily average steps per month

The daily average per month graph, however, shows a much smaller variation – from 2950 to 3400. That’s a fairly narrow range. On average, the Zip says I’m walking about the same as I did six months ago.

What has changed?

I have become more aware of how much I walk. I thought I was more active on the weekends because I walk around the house more frequently than the office. Wrong! The house is more compact; I have to make an effort if I want to walk as much on the weekends as I do by just going to work.

I am more consistent in my walking routine. I had noticed before I got the Zip that varying between “not walking much” and “going on a hike” would leave me with aching knees. Now I have a higher “minimum” and I have a LOT fewer problems.

For the curious, the Fitbit Zip is pretty much a pedometer. It doesn’t do flights of stairs or track my sleep, like other models do. It uploads data to a website for long-term tracking. The website can be used with or without one of the trackers, if you’re into manually entering things. (Personally I just use the Zip.)

One gripe I’ve had about the “dashboard” is that it assumes I want to track my weight, calories, etc. No, I don’t want to log food. I don’t want to track my weight. I don’t care how many calories you think I’ve used….

Bonus reminder my Fitbit doesn’t track stairs.

There’s also a beta for a new dashboard, which is better at letting me hide what I don’t care to see.

Example new dashboard.

Personally I prefer the new one.

Overall, if you’re the sort of person who learned to disconnect from and distrust your body, this kind of tracker may be a useful tool. But like many things, your mileage may vary.

Filed under: Anti-Obesity Programs, Exercise, Walking

Therapy for fat people and everybody else* now available via Skype

2013-06-13T14:50:00Z

Exciting therapy news! I can now offer counselling/psychotherapy sessions via Skype and I have some spaces available for new clients.

Skype therapy is for people who are time-pressured, who may not be able to get to East London very easily, who may prefer an onscreen therapist rather than someone physically in the room with them. There may be other reasons you might choose Skype too. Having therapy via Skype is the same as having face-to-face therapy in some ways (the things you can talk about, my professional service), and different in others (sessions take place in your own space, for example).

Please get in touch with me if you are interested in working face-to-face or via Skype. We can have a preliminary chat by email, and if you want to book a session I will talk you through the steps needed to set things up. My office is in East London, and the Skype service is available to anybody anywhere in the UK, or British people living abroad.

I work with people from all kinds of backgrounds and specialise in working with issues relating to fat and bodies in general, sexuality and social justice. I am an experienced and qualified therapist as well as a Registered Member of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy.

Feel free to peruse the extensive Frequently Asked Questions section of my website, which gives plenty of background information, and drop me a line if you have any questions or comments.

* Yep.

More on NAAFA’s name

2013-06-12T04:31:26Z

Following on from a previous post on NAAFA’s possible name change, I found an article online that provides more insight into the NAAFA Board of Director’s point of view. The biggest surprise to me is that they are saying that most members are in favor of removing the word “fat” from NAAFA’s name. (This article also names Brandon Macsata, a friend of NAAFA for a few years, as the consultant who is working on the name change; the newsletter article simply states that NAAFA is working with a PR firm.)

I’d be interested to hear what people think given this additional info. But if you really feel strongly, click on the link in the original newsletter article and let NAAFA know!

Louise Mathewson appointed ambassador to U.S for Australia's Synapse organization

2013-06-11T15:00:00Z

Louise Mathewson, author of A Life Interrupted: Living with Brain Injury, has a new role as ambassador to the U.S. for Synapse, an Australian organization supporting people with Acquired Brain Injuries (ABIs). "We know that Acquired Brain Injury doesn't discriminate...

Is size acceptance going mainstream?

2013-06-11T14:39:56Z

A bit ago I blogged here about NKoTB’s “Remix” video with the hot fatty. I forgot to mention Sara Bareilles’s “Brave” video, with a couple of fat dancers (and others) doing one person flash mobs. Is this a trend in videos?

If it is, it’s not new. Katy Perry had her “Firework” video a few years ago, featuring (among other things) a fat girl in a bathing suit getting the courage to take off her robe and jump in the pool. And there are certainly more that I’ve forgotten. (Feel free to suggest other examples, dear readers!)

My thinking is that, within the culture of music videos, a certain (you could say superficial) level of fat acceptance is part of that culture. Sort of like being politically correct, but less about doctrine and more about selling the song. If you want to create feelings that are uplifiting and inclusive, displaying fat acceptance is a good way of doing it. And I like that.

Why do you think some videos display fat acceptance? And do you think that’s a good thing?

Painting, Activism, Community and Fat Queer Feminists

2013-06-11T13:51:00Z

Ruth Angel Edwards 2013

Ruth Angel Edwards has produced an extraordinary painting that features an image of me, my girlfriend and some friends and acquaintances from London's queer community. The painting shows a group of people (feminists, women, queers) constructing a space out of wood amidst a forest against some mountains.

I came to be in the painting in a very informal way. Last summer, my friend Ele Cockerill (the one with the bucket) sent me a text to say that Ruth was looking for subjects on which to base a painting. I'd seen Ruth playing in a band called Covergirl and another called Yola Fatoush, and she is part of a scene of young artists, queers and musicians that has supported my own band. I didn't know she was a painter. We arranged to meet up with some other people I know a bit, and she explained what she was looking for. This would be a large-scale painting that referenced women's communities, back-to-the-land lesbian separatism, the physicality of building something yourself. She took some photographs of a group of us looking as though we were working and making something. That was that.

Michigan Dykes by Lynn Levy, 1982
Andrews-Hunt, C. (1983) Images of Our Flesh, Seattle: The Fat Avengers.

When I thought about the painting, I imagined a big landscape with small figures within it, perhaps looking like busy elves beavering away on a structure. I imagined myself as a stick figure far in the background and very inconsequential. I was amazed to see how the painting actually turned out. Far from being a marginal figure, my representation is central to the work. I feel simultaneously thrilled and shy about this, it's both unsettling and exciting to see myself in this way. It brings to mind the archival research I did whilst working towards my doctorate and my interest in the emergence of fat activism through lesbian feminist communities of the 1970s and 80s. I came across many photographic images of community where fat dykes were central and here I am, also central to this picture.

detail by Ruth Angel Edwards

Ruth has painted me as I looked on the day, in my Piggly Wiggly t-shirt and Birkenstocks, with my hair scraped back. You can see one of my tattoos, the grey along my hairline, my rosacea. You can also see a strong gaze, confidence, a powerful attitude. It's really flattering! As my friend Rachel Berger says: "She really captured you". It feels fantastic to see myself in this painting, as someone who is also constituted by a community of action and imagination, and that elements of my real community are here with me in the image, not least my fat girlfriend too. I love that this is a painting of (presumably feminist) collective action. It's not the structure that is central to the image, it's the people. I'm not a painter, but a piece of this scale and scope is, to me, about work and dedication, as is the image itself. It pleases me no end to see 'work' so much a part of the piece; things don't just happen, there is always work behind it all, often women's work, no matter how hidden.

This painting references a feminist past, and a present compellingly. I am probably the oldest one in the picture, maybe the only one to have had first hand experience of second wave feminist land-based organising in the 1980s. Many of my politics and values were established in that period, but I am also critical of it; it was often a terrible time in feminism for queers like me, for trans people, for people of colour. The painting represents a lesbian feminist utopia in some ways, but I feel that my critical presence undermines that somewhat. My boyfriend is out of the frame, for example, but was there when the reference photographs were taken, and is also part of this social group. I hope the inclusion of me enables younger feminists to resist adopting the more problematic aspects of vintage fundamentalist feminism unchecked, and to develop more progressive politics.

Pinky by Sadie Lee

Ruth's painting has made me think about other queer representations of fat in modern painting (which, sadly, excludes Allyson Mitchell, queer fat artist par excellence). By queer I mean that either painter or sitter, or both, are queer, or where there is a queer sensibility infusing the work. Lucien Freud's celebrated paintings of Leigh Bowery and Big Sue spring to mind, but so too does Sadie Lee's paintings Pinky and Amy's Room. What's interesting to me is that the people painting them with love and attention are not fat. The same goes for Ruth. When you're fat it's often hard to imagine your physical presence being anything but abhorrent to someone else, especially thin people, and lord knows we encounter social messages like this every day. But these artists value fat people and our bodies, not as cute or pretty, or as the potential to be normal and nice, or in a traditionally socially sanctioned way, and far beyond a rhetoric of healthy/unhealthy, but as we are and as they see us. It is fabulous.

So eternally grateful.

2013-06-10T23:48:00Z

So something so huge I can't even say how much it means to me happened today.

Someone bought me a laptop.

The chromebook I've been trying to save for and failing because of bills and food.

I've mentioned it but my desktop is on her last legs. I've had her for about ten years and we've been through me learning how to build a computer, rebuilds, hotswapping drives, me learning how to master windows xp, learning how to code HTML, two moves, three monitors, several video and audio cards. I've written thousands of words on her, I've lost thousands of words on her.

I've been slowly moving files into google drive and working from there. Her dvd deck pooped itself so I haven't been able to burn off backups. It's been a thing.

And then this morning just after I got to work Uniballer said there was a mystery box. Neither of us had ordered anything recently so I told him to open it just in case it was something we needed to return and inside...

First Uniballer sent me an all caps holy shit call home right now message and I was afraid it was landlord business or something and he read me the note and I sat here at my desk at work fighting tears.

I'm fighting tears right now.

This is among the kindest most wonderful things anyone has done for me.

I just...you guys.

I look back on the kindness of strangers over the years. Friends from the internet who bought me food when I didn't have any, the person who bought me pants that at the time were too small but now hilariously fit.

Donations to help me get some thing edited professionally.

All the people who bought my self care book (it's not available just now I am reworking it).

The people who have stuck around this here little spot even when shit is mean.

now this.

I have to be honest, I almost had a panic attack. Such depths of generosity aimed my way break me in the most wonderful way.

Sometimes life is full of bullshit and stress. Dealing with bullshit and microagressions and all the other bullshit that comes along with perambulating the earth in my body.

And then this.

And you guys.

Homies you are why I'm still here. A big part of my reason for being and doing and writing is that it is important to me to feel like I am doing my part to make the universe a better place for those of us who are on the outside of things. And you all help me fulfill that need.

So before I start sobbing at my desk (seriously)

Thank you.

Thank you K for believing in my writing and me and sending me the one thing I've been needing the most. A machine to work on safely. You have saved me so much worry and grief. I can't even express how thankful I am.

Thank you readers. Yes you homies. Thank you for doing self care with me, and telling me how you are doing. I care about you and I want all of us to if not be okay to at least feel a little better. Thank you for coming here and even if you're shy, thank you for reading.

Thank you for being awesome and never making being here unpleasant.

Thank you for reminding me when I need to be nicer to myself.

Thank you.

Thank you for everything.

I love you.

Homo Out.

PS...

I am breaking one of my own rules and cross posting this at my writing blog.

If you are seeing this post anywhere other than http://blog.nudemuse.org or via a feed reader it has been stolen.

About great achievements.

2013-06-11T00:05:43Z

Sometime after I earned my first Master's degree in Education, I had a thought. Here I was achieving a graduate degree that only about 8 percent of the US population have done. My thought was I could achive this, so why can't I be thin? After all there only about an 8% chance of losing weight and keeping it off, why should it be harder than getting a master's degree?

My first Masters had been difficult. I twice thought about dropping out. I got two low grades, I had second thoughts about going into teaching and later it turned out the thesis adviser was barely letting anyone graduate (She was eventually replaced and I finally finished.) Writing the thesis itself took all my free time and I lived in the library.

But all I thought about after this incredible accomplishment is why I couldn't get thin.

The first degree was a nightmare. I ended up never using it. I really didn't like teaching and I had trouble finding work.

So I got another Master's degree this time in Library Science. Getting was much smoother than the first one. When it was time to do my thesis, I was ready. I found two partners who wanted to finish in one semester. We all worked full time. So every single weekend and some weekday nights the three of us would hole up in a study room at the library and work on our research for hours. Imagine that, having the discipline to give up weekends (at the time I was recently married) to finish this paper.

During this degree, I was a "successful" dieter. I had being doing a low carb diet for almost a year, I had lost 40 pounds and kept it off. Eventually I stopped losing and started gaining. But for a while I thought I had it all: the education, the husband, and the weight loss.

Recently a visiting NYU professor tweeted: Dear obese PhD applicants: If you don't have the willpower to stop eating carbs, you won't have the willpower to do a dissertation.

The tweet was taken down quickly but the damage was done. The "professor" had to quickly backtrack his words, probably fearful of losing his job.

It's funny of all the unwarranted dieting advice he signalled out that fat people cannot stop eating carbs. Earlier tweets indicated he is a fan of the paleo diet fad (I can write an entire blog post about how incorrect it is and how our Paleo ancestors ate mostly vegetarian.)

I have previously written that when I gave up carbs completely, I got very ill. Even in the earlier low carb diets I did where the carb count was higher, I had heart palpitations, reflux disease, constant thoughts of food, dreams about cheating. I became pre-occupied with food, always thinking about the next meal. It turned out that low carb dieting is yet another low calorie diet.

I have to wonder how I managed to find the strength and discipline after all this dieting to finish two masters degrees.

And if you want to see more fabulous fat people with advanced degrees, click here.

Update alert

2013-06-08T19:17:42Z

Whaliam here. I just updated the theme of this blog, from grid to . . . I forget what the new one is called, but it looks somewhat like the old one. The problem with grid is that it didn’t show the author’s name. The new one does that, but is a bit less compact looking, and doesn’t show the blogroll. So I’m not sure that I’ll keep it. Any suggestions?

Adipositivity 609

2013-06-06T10:42:06Z

Adipose: Of or relating to fat. Positivity: Characterized by or displaying acceptance or affirmation. MISSION: The Adipositivity Project aims to promote size acceptance, not by listing the merits of big people, or detailing examples of excellence (these things are easily seen all around us), but rather, through a visual display of fat physicality. The sort that's normally unseen. The hope is to widen definitions of physical beauty. Literally. The photographs here are sometimes close details of the fat female form, often without the inclusion of faces. One reason for this is to coax observers into imagining they're looking at the fat women in their own lives, ideally then accepting them as having aesthetic appeal which, for better or worse, often translates into more complete forms of acceptance. The women you see in these images are educators, executives, mothers, musicians, professionals, performers, artists, activists, clerks, and writers. They are perhaps even the women you've clucked at on the subway, rolled your eyes at in the market, or joked about with your friends. This is what they look like with their clothes off. Some are showing you their bodies proudly. Others timidly. And some quite reluctantly. But they all share a determination in altering commonly accepted notions of a narrow and specific beauty ideal. Bookmark adipositivity.com and check back often, as new photographs are added regularly(ish). And please help spread the message. The Adipositivity Project: Changing attitudes about the aesthetic validity of big women, one fat fanny at a time. ABOUT THE PHOTOGRAPHER: Substantia Jones’ photography has been exhibited in galleries and museums throughout the US East Coast, and has appeared in The New York Times, Time Out New York, and some other publications she can’t recall at this time, but you probably haven’t heard of them anyway. She is biographied in the 2006 Who’s Who in America (though under the name her momma gave her), and back in the day, she won some photography awards which would sound somewhat Mayberry if listed here, but at the time, they damn near made her cry. Still kinda do. She lives in Manhattan, where she also sometimes steps out (more like lays around) in front of the camera, and on some of those occasions, the snapping is done by her trusty sidekick, Dr. H, who also fetches her banana popsicles and maintains her muse, a certain pancake colored dog who’s asked that his name not be mentioned on the Internet. Ms. Jones likes crispy calamari, Squidbillies, and the ika okonomiyaki from Otafuku in the East Village, if only the lines weren’t so long. Thou shalt not reproduce without permission. Except for babies. Make all o' them you want. © The Adipositivity Project 2007-2013

Thanks for your donations

2013-06-06T12:40:00Z

This is just a very quick post to extend my heartfelt gratitude to those generous people who have made donations over the past few months. You know who you are.

The guardians of the anti-obesity world benefit from funding by weight loss multinationals and Big Pharma, and access to places where many people listen to them. Academics who bring a critical perspective to fat stuff have the financial support of their institutions. Grassroots voices, like mine, operate on very modest means. In addition, we are often required to take great risks in speaking out, and in bearing the brunt of the backlash. Many of us regularly get hatemail and are targeted by trolls.

Every donation, no matter how big or small, helps keep me going and is greatly encouraging.

If you would like to help support my work on fat, including the writing I do for this blog, please use the PayPal 'Donate' button at the top on the right of the screen.

When you and your body aren't getting along.

2013-06-05T00:13:00Z

Right this minute I am kind of (read really) pissed off at my body.

My body is doing shit I don't want it to do and I'm angry.

I'm still not sleeping well. My ears are draining and causing my throat to be sore. Things hurt that are not supposed to be hurting.

I am really not happy.

I want to go for a long walk because the nights are warm and nice. I do it and my knees swell up.

I want to dance and my muscles lock up and stiffen.

Again I'm reminded that the weight loss as a cure all for aching joints and other bodily problems is a lie.

I'm frustrated.

I'm having trouble conceptualizing what size of clothing to buy. A lot of the clothes I saved for and bought during the fall to wear this summer don't fit right.

It is not awesome.

I am also living an object lesson.

Right now I can't be mean to myself.

Even though I'm entirely done with how my body is behaving and reacting to everything right now, I am trying really hard to self care.

I make sure I'm taking my vitamins and drinking water.

I am in the fuckin' trenches right now y'all.

My natural instinct at this point tells me that it doesn't matter. Fuck what my body has to say about it and I will do ALL the shit I want. I will walk that mile and a half fuck the consequences. Fuck taking my vitamins. Fuck drinking water I can survive on energy drinks and candy.

Being that my natural instinct leads me to fuck it all I am actively making myself slow down and just not.

I look at myself and say can you just not?

Come on bro *yes I call myself bro* just don't. You know this will not end well. Walk but not that far. Take your vitamins. Fix your eyebrows. Put some lotion on your ashy fucking feet.

I am having this talk with myself every damn day.

The lesson here is that yes, even I who am the Self Caring Like a Mother Fucker Matriarch, has trouble with it.

Sometimes I can't do anything beyond having a snack.

Other days I'm really doing it. I pack a good lunch, I feel cute, I have on my new shoes that don't hurt my feet. I walk but not so far that I'm limping by the time I get home. I take an awesome bath, I have a dinner.

But it's not as consistent as you might think.

As I've told you my friends. Sometimes this shit is really fucking hard.

I'm not immune to tripping up or falling down.

When you think you're failing, you're probably fine. IF not fine, you're not an awful person if you can't do it every day.

The good news is that while it is very stressful to think you are failing at yet another thing, understand that this thing is very easily fixable.

When you feel like you're failing at self care go get a drink of water. Stretch some part of your body until it feels really good. Put lotion on your feet. Put on some chapstick and bang bam boom you're doing it,.

Take a deep breath.

Remember that you and I are human.

We are fragile, breakable, mercurial, we smell bad sometimes and sometimes we can be absolute dickbags to ourselves.

And it's okay.

No really. Regardless of what the voice in your head says or what your Mom said or what anyone else said.

The wonderful and awful thing about you and me and everyone else is that we're human and we do a lot of shit that isn't awesome.

Sometimes that means we have to apologize to others and often we have to apologize to ourselves.

So here is me apologizing to myself.

Hello Self,
Bro I'm sorry I've been such an asshole. I know there are things going on that you can't help or do anything about and I shouldn't be such a bitch about it. I'm trying to stop that. So let's make up. Tonight some eyebrow beautification and shit.
Love Me

What else am I doing to support my self care needs this week?

I am wearing cute clothes. I don't give a fuck. For instance today I'm wearing a two shades of purple satiny skirt that was the bottom half of some kind of fugly formal thing I thrifted.

I am using my lip scrub to get rid of some dead skin and discoloration in the corners of my mouth.

I'm drinking hot things to sooth my throat.

I'm eating food. Granted I haven't been eating super good food but it is food so that is good.

NOw that's all for right now.

Beatfreak how are you doing sugar?

Also the rest of you how is your self care happening or not happening? Do you need some ideas?

HOmo Out.

If you are seeing this post anywhere other than http://blog.nudemuse.org or via a feed reader it has been stolen.