"Fat Chat Feed" via Fat in Google Reader

Zaftig Honors - Thanks Sylvia and Bianca

2009-11-22T16:51:00Z

Thank you to Sylvia and Bianca for this most prestigious honor. Usually I hot delete the moment I see something like this on my computer, but this is the Fat-O-Sphere and I gots mad love for all my peeps within it...

So I have to get back to you on the fellow bloggers, however, here is my 10 honest things for anyone who hasn't hit delete yet...

1. I once was forced out of someone's house at gunpoint.

2. I spent my 17th birthday in a psychiatric ward.

3. I have a 7 pound dog named mush

4. I crashed a car while REM's "Losing My Religion" was playing on the radio.

5. I crush hard for Jennifer Connelly

6. I do not have belly button

7. One day, I aspire to be as clever as Shannon

8. I haven't farted in 20 years

9. My brother and sister were literally born nine months apart - she 1/21/70 he-10/22/70

10. I see dead people

Pictures, because it did happen

2009-11-22T04:00:17Z

I know how it is on the internet. People can say they do a ton of things, when they never do anything. Hence the saying, “Pictures, or it never happened.”

Today, I tested for my yellow belt.

The pictures are under the jump, as there’s a few of them there. (I did receive permission from Sensei J to take and post the pictures.)

This was the meditation at the beginning of the class with Sensei J. Because of the knee surgery, I do have the concession of not having to kneel. But that’s the only concession I am allowed.

There was a lot more involved than just these few pictures. Conall just didn’t spend the whole hour I was testing taking pictures.

Gratitude

2009-11-22T03:20:50Z

It’s that time of year; the (American) Thanksgiving Holiday is approaching in just a few days. And as I’m looking forward to sharing dinner with my family on Thursday, I’ve also been reflecting about what I’m grateful for.

It started a few weeks ago, at the gym, sitting in the sauna after a jaunt on the elliptical machine and a few laps in the pool. My whole body felt the perfect combination of relaxed and energized, and I felt so immensely grateful for the body that allows me to experience these things that feel so good. I love the sort of “floaty jogging” feel of the elliptical (at least that’s what being on the machine feels like to me!). I love the way the water feels on my body, providing both resistance and support, and so soft. I love the instant relaxation of the heat from the steam in the sauna.

In that moment I was awash with the realization of just how much I’m grateful for my body.

In my body I can dance, playfully shaking my hips or intimately swaying with a partner. In my body I can kiss, caress, and make love to my husband. In my body I can hug my sisters, touch the arm of a troubled friend, take the hand of a small child. In my body I can squeal or laugh when I’m happy and cry precious tears when I’m sad. In my body I can savor the delicious taste of just-barely-undercooked fresh-out-of-the-oven chocolate chip cookies and savor the juicy goodness of crisp, cold, fresh cucumbers. In my body I can close my eyes and listen to music or open my eyes to gaze at art, both of which inspire and transform me. In my body I get to feel the world around me—the wind on my face, the temperature of the air, the feeling and texture of my steering wheel or the crosswalk button or the straps of my purse. In this wonderful body I get to move throughout the world in a sensual way, experiencing both pure delight and transformative pain that challenges, teaches, and matures me.

And the cool thing? That my body size has no bearing whatsoever on my ability to delight in my body’s ability to do these amazing things.

So this Thanksgiving, I am grateful for my body, exactly as it is.

What are you grateful for?

Open Thread

2009-11-21T22:10:54Z

I am doing Nanowrimo this lovely evening and I’m focusing on my 50k word count goal. I am 2300 words away! I am gunning for an early finish tomorrow. Anyway, rock this open thread, Shapelings. Fluffication rules don’t apply. In keeping with what Sweet Machine wrote in the last open thread, BEHAVE. Here’s the comment policy This [...]

Testing for Yellow

2009-11-21T18:23:12Z

Today, I’m going to be testing for my Yellow belt. I’m extremely nervous about this.

If I survive, there may be pictures (depends on if Sensei allows).

Did I mention I’m nervous about this? Well, I am. Maybe. Just a little.

ETA: Test done. I passed! Picture post later!

Lincoln University: Epic fail

2009-11-21T17:15:00Z

Lincoln University, a historically black college in southern Pennsylvania, has made the news recently for jumping on the now-mandatory "wellness" bandwagon. As reported in the Chronicle of Higher Education, Lincoln's version is to institute a policy of weighing and measuring all freshmen; those with BMIs over 30 are required to take a one-credit course called "Fitness for Life" sometime before they graduate.

This policy exemplifies the worst of what's wrong with the way we as a culture approach fitness, health, and wellness. Like so many other institutions jumping on this bandwagon, Lincoln makes a fatal error in logic: It conflates weight with fitness.

So heavier freshmen at Lincoln are assumed to be "unfit" and "unhealthy." Just as bad, thinner freshmen are given a pass on the fitness course, the assumption being that they don't need it because they're not that fat.

If fitness and good health are the goals, shouldn't everyone have to take the course?

Some people object to the fitness course on libertarian grounds. Not me. I think good health and fitness is part of what we should be teaching children and practicing ourselves. But threatening or punishing larger people because of their size is not a useful strategy. As a researcher from the National Institutes of Health said recently, the number-one cause of obesity in this country is dieting. Programs like this buy in to the fat-is-unhealthy mindset. They also buy in to the thin-is-healthy mindset. By conflating weight with disease they do everyone a grave disservice.

My own school, Syracuse University, is looking at "wellness" programs right now. I hope I don't have to write a piece like this about SU someday.

We got a Wii, and the bowling is a blast!!!!!!

2009-11-21T16:19:00Z

I spent 6 hours yesterday hooking it up and trying to get it to work on our TV, which is not easy when you don't have the original remote (DH went on a cleaning rampage and threw out all the universal remotes that had quit working and the original remote for the TV was in that lot). I finally found the website for help, I suggest not using the url they put in the manual but shortening it to support.nintendo.com (they said to use support.nintendo.com/inputselects.html and that doesn't exist when you type it in). So anyway, I ended up having to run the Wii through the VCR and then we have to put a movie in, play a few seconds of it, stop the movie, and then we can play the Wii. Pain in the ass, but my son said he'll fix that the next time he comes up here (probably at Christmas).
DH came home from work, we ate dinner, and he wanted to try it out (we bought the WiiSports). So we bowled 5 games before he decided it was time to quit and get ready for bed (he has to work today and tomorrow). Now, my son and his wife can sit down and bowl, but I found out that doesn't work for me, and it doesn't work for DH either, so both of us were taking turns standing between the recliner and the loveseat, in front of the TV, bowling (he said not to tell anyone, but I beat him 2 of the 3 games and it was my first time ever bowling with the Wii, he had bowled with my son and DIL on theirs). Don't let anyone tell you that bowling on the Wii isn't exercise. If you're standing up to do it, and you take at least one step forward when you release the ball (like I do), it's exercise. I wasn't breathing hard or anything like that, and I was having a lot of fun, but I was sweating and the house wasn't that warm. Today, my back is sore, and my bad knee is giving me fits, but that's not going to keep me from bowling again tonight when DH gets home from work and we're done with dinner.
I don't know if we'll ever play any of the other games that are on the disc (though DH did say he thought I might beat him at tennis, so we may end up trying that). Even if we don't play any of the other games, it's worth it just for the fun we have with the bowling. And DH saw another Wii game that he'd like to have - it's the one where you're shooting chickens, comes with a gun (there's a deer-hunting one as well). I agreed with him that the chicken one looked like fun, so that might be next on our list of things to get for entertainment at home............

Shit that pisses me off — fat students not allowed to graduate, and other headlines.

2009-11-21T06:10:22Z

If you’re fat, too bad — no degree for you. Not until you’ve been rehabilitated and/or re-educated, that is.

Lincoln University has a new policy whereby students with a BMI over 30 are required to either lose weight or take a “Fitness for Life” course. Since they’re obviously too fucking dim to understand anything about nutrition or fitness, given that they’re fatty-fatty-fat-fats. (Relevant MetaFilter post. And NPR blog post.)

Okay, I know you know this, but let me just state, for the record: I am really goddamn fat. I’ve also just completed about four years’-worth of classes that focus on nutrition and fitness. And, now that I know a thing or two about nutrition and health — I’m still really goddamn fat.

(Thank you to Charlene, who emailed this in.)

ETA: Here’s a more in-depth analysis of the school policy’s legality and implications.

A new study claims that “Self-control [is] key to preventing childhood obesity” – except what I think they’re actually talking about is promoting eating competence by not restricting children’s diets. But I’m sure measuring self-control is WAHAAAAY better for getting research funding.

(Here’s the abstract to the actual study. I need to read the whole thing still, but I reserve the right to be pre-emptively pissy about these things.)

And, lastly but not leastly, the mystifying “Stop picking on fat people” appeared in the Opinion section of the Wall Street Journal.

I read it and immediately thought, “Buuuuuhwhat?”

Like, I’m sure it means well, but there’s a lot of stupid shit in there, including many lulzy references to how much food fat people eat. (To wit: those fat people sure do eat a lot!) And the author compares fat people to “workaholics, alcoholics or garden-variety idiots.”

Awesome.

Fat kills, but not in the way we’re used to thinking…

2009-11-21T01:53:27Z

I saw this story on the local news tonight. The anchors were surprised and incredulous that people would be killed for their fat, but it has happened, and we shouldn’t make light of these terrible murders simply to crack fat jokes. Posted in General Fat Talk, Miscellaneous, Random Chatter, What's In the News [...]

The most wonderful time of the year?

2009-11-20T21:58:31Z

Next Thursday, families in the U.S. will be celebrating Thanksgiving. The day after Thanksgiving, known as Black Friday, officially kicks off the holiday shopping season as bargain hunters risk bodily injury to get $300 HD flat screen TV’s and whatever video game is hot right now. There’s been a lot of talk this year about the [...]

Oprah to mauling victim: Blind? Disfigured? At least you won’t get fat

2009-11-20T21:01:38Z

You’ve heard of the Connecticut woman who was mauled by a 200-pound chimpanzee, right? Charla Nash, 65, was visiting a friend last February when her friend’s pet chimp attacked her, tearing off her nose, lips, eyelids and hands before being shot dead by cops. Nash later lost her eyes to infection and her facial disfigurement [...]

THE WAR on Obesity is Driving up Healthcare Costs, not Fatness

2009-11-20T19:33:00Z

Loan modification, finally!!! And a warning....

2009-11-20T18:27:00Z

We've only been trying since August of 2008 to get a loan modification on the mortgage on DH's house. DH has an ARM, that was supposed to be set at 9% when he refinanced in 2006 (3 months before we got married). When he went to sign the papers, they had upped the rate to 10.55%. He didn't want to sign, but didn't have much choice, as he had credit card companies that were hounding him and threatening to garnish wages, etc (credit cards he didn't know he had, his ex-wife got them in his name, ran them up, and when she left, he was stuck holding the bag). So he signed. The rate was fixed for 2 years with an option to refinance.
Well, y'all know what happened to the housing market in 2008. His house, that had been appraised at 125K (and I have no fucking clue how they came up with that appraisal for a one bedroom, 1 bathroom house with no central heat/air), was no longer worth that (tax appraisal was 66.5K). Mortgage company kept calling and asking if we were ready for the rate to reset and our payments to go up, and if we didn't want that, they were willing to lock us in for 5 years at our current rate and payment (the payment was almost $1200 a month, including escrow for taxes and insurance). We told them no way were we willing to lock in at the current rate, but if they were willing to lower it, we would talk. Nope, they didn't want to talk. And that continued.
Then we got a call from someone who said he could help us negotiate a loan modification. We talked, and eventually, he couldn't help us, because we were "under water" on the mortgage (owed more than the house was worth). But, he knew of a company who could help us (and that should have been a huge warning flag). He said he was going with a company called Green Credit Solutions, who had lawyers working on loan modifications for people who weren't able to get their lenders to work with them. A couple of his family members were also signing up, and so were a lot of his other customers. Cost was $3,495 and if GCS wasn't able to get a loan mod for you, you got $2,945 of it back (yeah, right). So we came up with the money, filled out the paperwork, sent all of the documentation they required, and thought we were on our way to a loan modification.
Well, between August of 2008, when we first started talking with Sean and GCS,and July of 2009 when we quit hearing from GCS, we had 8 different negotiators who had worked on our loan modification. Now they did apply for at least one loan modification that I know of, because our lender told us we had been denied. Something about DH made too much money (but that was because they were counting my income, and they weren't supposed to, since I'm not on the mortgage, and I wasn't going to be on the new one either). At that point, one of the negotiators said he wasn't supposed to tell us this, but that if we quit making payments on the house, our lender might be more willing to negotiate a loan modification. Up until then, DH had had the payments on the mortgage taken out of the checking account automatically every month. So, in November of 2008, he decided that he would stop the automatic withdrawal and we went to the bank and did that, went home and called the lender, told them the AWD had been stopped. In December, the lender tried to do an AWD, it was refused, and I had sent them a check. The bank also refused to cash our check because they thought we had stopped all payments to the lender, not just the AWD. So when the check bounced (and I caught it right away, because I balance our checkbook online every week), I called the bank to see why they had refused payment on the check. Bank said oops, our mistake, tell the lender to send the check back through and we will pay it.
So I called the lender, explained what had happened, and was told the check would be sent back through. Problem solved, right? Guess again.
So January comes around. I send in the mortgage payment check, with a note in the memo line that it's the payment for Jan 09. Then the calls start coming about when are we going to make January's payment. I told them we made it. That they needed to send back through the check I wrote for December's payment and gave them the check number. They said they couldn't do that, that we needed to send them another check for December's payment. I said, fine, send me back the check I wrote for December and I'll send you another check. Can't do that, they said, we take an electronic image and destroy the check. So send me some kind of assurance that you aren't going to resubmit that check for payment. Can't do that, they said. Then piss up a rope for your payment, I said. I'm not sending you another check so you can have two checks for the same month's payment and be able to cash both of them, and I'm not paying for a stop payment on the one, when you charged us a bounced check fee for the AWD not being paid when you knew we had stopped that.
February rolls around, I send them a check for the mortgage. Check clears the bank, and they try to do an AWD. And they charge us a bounce fee for the AWD failing. I call and chew ass. Then I fax them a letter stating that the AWD has been stopped, with copies of paperwork from the bank.
Lender calls every day, 3 to 4 times a day, either wanting to know if we're going to make the missed payment (which is in the savings account), or if we want to lock in at our current rate and payment for the next 5 years. It gets to the point where I know all the phone numbers they use, and when those numbers show up on caller id, I don't even bother to answer the phone. DH won't talk to them at all, he gets too mad (like I don't....lol).
Finally, we decide that GCS isn't going to do us any good, and we stop making mortgage payments on the house (they go into the savings account). When the lender calls, we tell them "Either give us a decent loan modification or take the house, we don't care. We don't have any kids, so we don't have to worry about schools or anything like that. We're not so invested in this house that we have to stay here, we can move, and we will." They piss and moan and delay and belly-ache and say there's nothing they can do. They've had an online appraisal of the house done and that comes out at 80K. I start laughing. They want to know what is so funny. I tell them there is no central heat/air in the house, that there is one wall furnace in the hallway to heat the whole downstairs, there are 2 electric baseboard heaters for the upstairs, and there's no heat at all in the basement. The valuation for taxes has gone down to 60K, and they'd be lucky to get 45K for the house, if they could sell it at all (there are houses in this town that have been for sale for more than a year and they're all better than this one). The only thing this house has going for it is its location (across the street from the lake/park, closest neighbor is across the street, and one across the American Legion parking lot). We told them it would take them 6 months to get us out of the house (so they would have lost a year's worth of house payments (14K), then the house would sit empty for who knows how long while they had to pay property taxes on it and lose more house payments, and then take a loss if and when they finally sold it).
So we got a phone call a couple of weeks ago, telling us we had been approved for a loan modification. Our rate went from 10.55% to 3.375% and is locked in for 5 years. Our mortgage payment went from $1157.28 a month to $620.69. We got the papers to go over (and sign) on the 11th. They had to be back by 20th (luckily they sent them next-day UPS and included a return label for us to use and there is a UPS pick-up box here in town). They recommended that we have a lawyer go over them with us, so we did. We signed them, got them notarized, and sent them back with the certified check for the escrow deposit (and I wrote down the UPS tracking number, and checked on it, they got the paperwork back yesterday).
So it pays to be a bitch sometimes, and believe me, I was a bitch with DH's lender. I just wish I could find the assholes who ran the scam called GCS. They would not even want to meet Helga, let alone PsychoBitch from Hell. I guess we'll just have to chalk that money up to experience, and let it go, but damn, that burns my hide, especially since I did research them and they seemed to be a legitimate company. Now, doing more research on them since their website has disappeared and their phone lines are disconnected, I find out they've fucked over a lot of people. DH and I are lucky, in that we didn't lose the house, and we managed to get the loan modification on our own, but there are a lot of people out there who relied on GCS who weren't so lucky. All we lost was $3,495 - they lost that and their homes.

Carpal tunnel surgery upcoming

2009-11-20T17:56:00Z

Well, I finally got the results from the EMG test done on my right arm. I do have carpal tunnel, the nerve is pinched in my wrist and the neuroligist recommends surgery to fix it before any damage is done to the nerve. At least the numbness is just in my hand now, and isn't in my arm, shoulder, neck, and head anymore. I am wearing a wrist brace at night, and it seems to help some, but the numbness in my hand doesn't ever go completely away. Unfortunately, I can't have the surgery done right away as DH is scheduled on Dec 14th for a complete knee replacement (his left knee is bone-on-bone and he's in a lot of pain that ibuprofen and extra strength tylenol combined don't even touch). So I'll probably get that done in February, after DH is mostly healed, but before he goes back to work (so he can take care of me, since I'm right-handed and won't be able to use that hand much for a couple of weeks).
His doctor at the VA says that, at 53 (almost 54), he's really too young for a knee replacement, but the orthopedic surgeon we saw yesterday said that since the cortisone shots and SynVisc shots didn't work, and pain meds don't help, that replacement is the only thing left to do in order to lessen the pain. Evidently, replacement doesn't always totally get rid of the pain, but most of the time, it does. DH is willing to go for it, he says anything is better than what he's dealing with right now.
The surgery isn't going to be done at the VA, they aren't doing any new surgeries because they are so far behind, so we had to find a civilian hospital to do it. Luckily, there's one in Alexandria (only 25 miles away) and the surgeon who will be doing the knee replacement trained at the VA in Minneapolis (small world....lol).
Looks like DH will be off work for about 8 weeks. He has some pre-surgery exercises to do to strengthen the muscles around the knee, and then he'll probably have to go to the VA at St Cloud a couple of times a week for physical therapy after the replacement. We have a meeting about knee replacements to attend next week, an informational type thing, where they tell us what to expect in more detail, and what medications he needs to stop taking and how long before the surgery he needs to stop taking them.
We may end up paying for a couple of his visits to the surgeon, since the VA says they're only paying for one visit before surgery, the surgery itself, and one visit afterward. According to the scheduling nurse, after the surgery, there will be a visit to remove the staples (two weeks post-op), then a visit 4 weeks post-op, and another one 12 weeks post-op (and another one after a year has passed). I don't think the VA is going to want to pay for those last 3 visits, but I don't see how a PA or an ortho doc at the VA is going to be able to do the follow-up when they aren't ones who did the surgery. But, like DH says, if we have to pay for the visits, so be it, we'll find the money somewhere (probably will come out of the money we're saving on the house payment since we finally got the loan modification on the house, which is a whole 'nother post).

Fat Models vs. Skinny Models

2009-11-20T18:11:14Z

I know there has been some brou-ha going on lately about this issue. Truthfully, I haven’t read any of it – because it’s such a moldy-oldie issue. So, if it’s so moldy-oldie, why do I choose to write about it? Because I think the issue is more about the fat community than the clothing industry.

My personal feelings about thin models selling fat clothing is that it is offensive. I feel like the vendor is treating me like I am so stupid I don’t know that the clothes draping on the willowy model are going to look significantly different on me.

However, in the past, Lane Giant and others have done experiments of running ads with fat models and ads with thin models and the ads with the thin models always create more sales.

So while I know that clothes are going to look different on my fat body, the sales numbers have led the companies to believe in general folks in the fat community do not know this. Or that fat people so hate their own fat bodies, that they don’t want to buy something that a fat woman is wearing. Either way – how sad is that?

Until we learn to look at fat bodies (others and our own) and see beauty – we are going to have issues (conscious or not) buying clothes that are modeled on fat bodies. And you can’t blame the clothing industry for doing what is necessary to sell the most of their product.

If you have ever been to a NAAFA Convention, you will know that one of the most joyful events is the fashion show. NAAFA members model clothing for the vendors attending the convention. I have participated in several of these fashion shows, and I have to tell you I love it. I also love being out in the audience during the fashion shows. Onstage or not, there is such a pure joy in seeing fat people wearing beautiful clothing, feeling good about themselves, and knowing that they are being admired and appreciated. And lots of clothing gets sold in the process.

Some print catalogues do use fat models, and a few even use super-size models. Online, you have a greater chance of seeing clothing modeled by fat and super-size models. But these are smaller companies and often they cannot compete with the big companies when it comes to pricing; making it more difficult for the fat community to support them.

So even if you object to the use of thin models, your personal circumstances may leave you with little choice; and I don’t want to berate anyone for doing what they feel is best for themselves. We all have to make choices and pick the battles we can or want to fight. Hell, I order from Lane Giant (or Woman Within as it’s now called – are they referring to that thin woman inside of me that is supposedly screaming to get out? Well if she exists, she can STFU), because sometimes I can’t justify paying $80 for a pair of slacks modeled by a fat woman, when I can get the same thing for $30 modeled by a thin woman. Do I feel torn about it? Sure. I want to support fat-positive companies, and my husband will confirm that I do (way more than he would like at times) So we all do what we can do, when we can.

I much prefer that vendors who sell to fat people use fat people to market their product; and we’re making a little headway. But again until fat people put their money where their fat is and stop giving those vendors business, it’s not likely to happen.

And as a footnote, I don’t want to totally dis on the companies like Lane Giant – they were here first! If you are an oldster like me, you can remember the joy when the first Lane Giant store came to your local mall! Holy crap. A store where all the clothes fit YOU! And the clothes were cute too. So there is a level of loyalty to them because they saved me (and maybe you) from those awful old lady clothes which was what I had to wear before because there were no other choices. And now there is Torrid and Avenues – but Lane Bryant (there I said it) led the way – much to their profit, but they still led the way.

Is Newsweek’s cover of Palin in short shorts sexist?

2009-11-20T17:12:39Z

Even I was kind of shocked by Newsweek’s cover this week of Sarah Palin — not for the image used, which on first glance seemed both puzzling and irrelevant, but for the blatantly biased headline of “How do you solve a problem like Sarah? She’s bad news for the GOP — and for everybody else, [...]

Transgender Day of Remembrance

2009-11-20T17:34:53Z

Today is Transgender Day of Remembrance, a day to remember transgender victims of violence. Here’s a list of the people we’re remembering in 2009. Please take a moment to read their names and stories — what is known of them — and think about these people, mostly young women, who suffered often exceptionally brutal violence [...]

THE MANY FAT ACCEPTANCE MOVEMENTS

2009-11-20T14:04:00Z

I have been thinking a lot about my own Fat Acceptance and my own health. I have written a lot here about my journey from the self hatred endorsed by everyone around me to a gentle, accepting stance that is promoted by the Fat Acceptance concept. Yet, there does not seen to be one fat acceptance movement but many. The variety of opinions and schools of thought is a bit overwhelming. I would prefer that there was one central organization overseeing the movement and declaring what is correct and what is taboo.

As you all know, that is not the case. I have to figure out what Fat Acceptance means to me. I have to find peace with all the aspects of food, body image, stigma, prejudice, feminism, virility, health, exercise... I could go on and on.

I know that I have never ever been able to reign in my eating for any length of time, The only long term experience I had was eating pound and pounds of meat and little else for three years. The moment I started eating complex carbs, I gained all my weight back and more.

I like the way not berating myself for what I eat feels. Yet, I do experience many uncomfortable realities being the weight I am. I am working with my doctors to mitigate them, however, from where I stand, it is clear that losing weight would help almost all of them. I do not even pursue this option, because at this point, I do believe that any weight I would lose would be back on plus more in short order.

I have had a few nights now of waking up gasping for air, even with my CPAP breathing machine. I am going to call my doctor and talk about this, yet I know the best solution will be to lose weight. I also believe that trying to lose weight is a waste of time for me. I have a lifetime of evidence towards that.

Everyone I talk to about this (if I talk to anyone about this) would say something different to me about this because there is no one authority or agreed on Fat Acceptance Movement.

If there was one FA authority, I could go there and figure out what the FA appropriate next steps for the apnea should be.

I am still not sure what to so next. I cannot discuss this with my family, because their heads explode when I tell them that losing weight is not an option for me. I have a sweet therapist that does her best to understand FA but not sure where that is going. I have a few friends in FA, but I do not want to burden them.

I'll go over to the Fat Studies list and ask the brains over there about treatment options for the sleep apnea. They always have good info and are very kind to me.

I wonder, a lot, if walking the Fat Acceptance path is the right one for me. I believe it is. It is just that I am not sure which one of the many versions of the Fat Acceptance movement is going to wind up being mine. I know I like the community and the suspension of the self hatred, yet I still find myself wondering if subscribing to what I understand is set point theory, and not trying to lose weight is the right thing for me. Again, there is no one "right" course of action. The different opinions within the Fat Acceptance Community confuse me instead of help me figure out what is right for me.

I am still learning and investigating the movement. Heck, I still am only half way through Linda Bacon's book.

I am just a little scared and shell shocked about waking up gasping for breath. It's very scary.

Okay that's all for now.

below is an unrelated thread about the trauma kids are exposed to via Fat stigma... I was going to post it separately and decided to just put it at the end. They are the blog exchanges from another blog, but I wanted in here on my blog.

I commented

I am aware of my fatness as well.
One thing I find fascinating though is that I was aware of my fatness back when I was a teen as well – and was certainly made aware of it by teachers, doctors, members of my peer group, etc. Yet, looking at old photos of myself, I wasn’t anything like as fat as I thought I was – indeed I find it difficult even recognizing the person in the picture.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

someone responded to my comment
Maybe – just maybe – if people weren’t so obsessed with labeling people as “fat”, “obese” etc. we’d have a lot more people around who are both happier and healthier. Regardless of their body type.

I responded:
 i have said this exact thing as I develop my foundation in the FA movement. I am 43 years old 390. When I look at photos of myself I see a cute kid that has a few extra pounds. As a child I was taught that I was inappropriately fat and teased as XX described. forget school, and kids, just from my parents alone, who took my fat as their failure, I was bribed, weight watchered, diet doctored, fat camped, punished and have one particular painful memory of my father dragging a 11 year old me out of bed at 6am to force me to do jumping jacks and because my effort wasn’t enthusiastic enough, he viciously called me a fat horse, walked away and didn’t speak to me for 2 days. Today I wonder, (and hope for todays fat kids) that if I was nurtured to be the best, healthiest, me I could be as a boy if I would weigh less than I do today. Even if it would not have made a difference in my body, I sure would have loved to take a pass on the three decades of self hate and sense of unworthiness that was my inner life until I found the FA/HAES community.   

Someone replied -- I’m so sorry these things happened to you, and even sorrier that your experiences are not unusual.

I responded....

 “and even sorrier that your experiences are not unusual”  sniper, when i first got here i was like, wow these FA activist are an angry bunch, but now I feel compelled to contribute & to do what I can to help bring on the change that will make experiences like these unusual. I know I am still a zygote in the FA world, but this is the world I am moving to… it beats the crap out of the world I grew up in.   Awww, crap,

Someone replied,

Ivan, I’m sorry. I’ll tell you, FA is good for me now – but more importantly, I don’t want to participate in a world that continues to do that sort of harm to kids. 

I responded

• ivan Posted November 20, 2009 at 8:55 am | Permalink “I don’t want to participate in a world that continues to do that sort of harm to kids.”  XXXXX, I think that although painful, participation in the world that does this sort of harm to kids in necessary if I am going to effect any change in that world. It is difficult to consider participating (let alone moving around easily) in that world as a 390 lb man, however, if I believe that our culture’s hatred of fat people is wrong, I need to stand up against it even if it hurts my knees to stand up for a long time.

Quick Link: Not Screwing Up Your Kids

2009-11-20T14:25:05Z

One of my favorite blogs, Living~400lbs, did a wonderful post yesterday about a recent article in Oprah’s magazine. If you’re raising kids, you might want to check it out. Actually, if you come into contact with kids at all, you should check it out. The road to hell is paved with misguided intentions, people . . . And [...]

Quick Hit: stop picking on fat people

2009-11-20T10:33:21Z

The rotund make the world go round…

Make the world go round… get it?

*snigger*