"Fat Chat Feed" via Fat in Google Reader

Tru fax from hysterialand.

2009-11-10T00:57:00Z

I'm taking a little Nanowrimo break because I have some shit on my mind. I was going to do a tights review but I'm not in the mood.

I'm having some Inbetweenie angst right now courtesy of a very slight bit of weight gain.

I don't know how much because I don't weigh myself I keep tabs on what my body is doing fat wise by how my clothes fit. And right now I'm having pants problems.

I gained a little bit of weight and the two pairs of pants I have that fit well don't fit so well right now. But it's not enough weight that I can easily go a size up.

So I am freaking out because despite my earlier declaration of a wardrobe without pants, I'm too much of a big fucking wimp to brave the uber windy rainy Seattle fall weather without said pants.

I also don't have a lot of money as most of you know. Matter of fact right now I have no extra money that is not designated for bills or food.

So my weight fluctating really tends to freak me out. I'm talking weight changes in either direction. It freaks me out because I cannot (ever) just go out and pick up a new pair of pants or whatever willy nilly.

As things stand right now after bills next week, I will have just about enough to pick up a pair of pants from one of teh local thrift stores. What this doesn't mean is a pair of pants I like but a pair of pants I need.

And I have to tell you guys I get so angry and upset.

It feels really dumb and I'm embarrassed to admit it but this is when I hate being poor. I hate being poor because I more often than not wind up with clothing that I absolutely need rather than what I absolutely love.

I fucking resent having to spend what little bit of dinero I have for clothing on shit that says nothing about my style or entirely displeases my sense of aesthetics.

It upsets me because I really LOVE thrifting but, I tend to have to buy this thing rather than buying this other thing and I hate it.

There I said it.

I'm sitting here blushing and I am really embarrassed.

But there it is.

I had intended on saving my clothes monies for one very specific pair of pants from Torrid (these in case you're wondering) expensive but I have been waiting (and writing Torrid at least once every two months) for some plain black twill boot cut pants.

I'm going to rebudget.

This type of situation is also why I'm so keen on figuring out some kind of side hustle so when these things come up I don't panic.

Anyway.

Regarding the weight Uniballer figures that it's not actual permenant weight. My appetite has only recently gotten back to normal after all that epic sickness/super insomnia so my body is readjusting.

Fuck guys, I really hate this feeling. I know that I will get through it and I will at some point get some goddamn ass covers but it's that panic, that moment when I am thinking OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK and my brain kind of grinds to a halt.

Back to the inbetweenie thing.

I will tell you right now, I really don't like this particular size of my ass. My life would be entirely simpler if when I gained 5-10 pounds I went up an actual pants size.

Whenever I gain or lose weight it tends to come off or come on all over in a rather evenish fashion. I say evenish because anything under say a size 10 my thighs/boobs and shoulders are out of proportion with the rest of my body, but over all my body gets a little rounder in general.

The reason this bugs me is because when I do have small amounts of weight gain or loss like recently, nothing fits properly. Not my pants, not my bras, nothing fitted fits right. But unless I lose or gain a whole lot of weight (over 20 pounds one way or the other) my actual clothing sizes don't change a whole lot.

So this means that I gain a little weight and my usually perfect pants are too tight enough that I don't want to wear them. But (like the pants I'm wearing right now) the size up pants are still too big.

A photo to show you.

It's not super quality but my pants are safety pinned pulled in about two and a half inches so they don't fall right off of my ass.

That bit near my fingers is the giant safety pin.

These are a torrid size 14. My usual size is yes a 12 as we've discussed previously.

So I am feeling crabby and angry.

*Note to self take a deep fucking breath.*

I feel a little better.

I will have new pants soon, I just have to make do for another week with what I've got.

Back to Nanowrimo. I'm a little over 11K in. Way behind but yeah.

Also I have some hand sewn stuff to show you guys at some point. And my first attempts at crocheted accessories including a cuff bracelet and necklace thingymaboober.

Also watch out for some new sexy times advice about guess what?

Penis that's what.

Also the epic tights review coming soon.

I love you guys.

Tell me what's new and fabulous.

If you are seeing this post anywhere other than http://nudemuse.org/bloger.html or via a feed reader it has been stolen.

Bless Me O Zaftique, For I Have Sinned…

2009-11-09T22:30:06Z

This one’s straight from the WTF files.

I was perusing a few plus size clothing sites in an attempt to find a holiday dress that would both fit the way I’d like and pay homage to my gothy-Victorian-Renaissance-y aesthetic. Needless to say, no easy task. However, I was having a bit of luck on Zaftique (though, WTF #1: $120 for knit and polyester? Where was it weaved, on the fucking Moon?).

I came across one dress in particular that seemed as if it could be perfect. But although I usually don’t read the textual sales pitch accompanying the dress, this time my eye caught a word I didn’t expect in a description of a piece of clothing — “sin”.

The offending dress:

Apparently having arms and legs is a "sin" now! Who knew.

Here’s the link to the dress.

I’m trying to figure out what they mean by “sins” here — maybe you could help me out. I must be missing something, because it seems to imply that the greatest density of sins 0ccur around the upper arm and upper thigh area.

Please help me out. Because, from the way the description reads, it could only imply that “sins” is literally equivalent with fat cells. And though I’ve seen fat moralized in many different ways before, this is the first time I’ve seen the actual tissue called evil.

P.S. Anyone else see the irony in this being a scarlet-colored dress?

Publisher wears psychologist-radio-show hat: "Fat is Not Always Unhealthy"

2009-11-09T20:58:21Z

Check out Pearlsong publisher Peggy Elam, Ph.D., in her role as a clinical psychologist and co-host of the Health At Every Size show on Radio Free Nashville, talking about fat acceptance and combatting "obesity" myths: http://bit.ly/Dr_Peggy_Elam_on_WZTV_Fox_17.

WTF?!

2009-11-09T18:04:44Z

Kirstie Alley has EIGHT ringtail lemurs? That is WAY more interesting than her fatz, to be honest. How come no one told me?!?!?! Thanks to jenfu for the link!

Open Post: What’s on your mind?

2009-11-09T16:49:13Z

Posting will probably be lighter than usual in the next few weeks. I've taken on some freelance web design jobs again in an attempt to help pay down our $5,700 vet bill from Grayson's surgeries. I also ended up deciding to foster Nigel, the chocolate point Himalayan who's been traumatized by demon children and will need lots of love and attention in order to recover. You can't see his beautiful blue eyes in this pic, but you can see how absolutely gorgeous he is. To top it off, both Brandon and I seem to be coming down with something. He insists that his sore throat and stuffiness are just allergies, but I rarely suffer from them and I have the same congestion. So, consider this an open post to discuss anything on your mind or offer links to related news or sites. Here's a few headlines to check out.

A thought for the new week

2009-11-09T16:30:54Z

Recently, I read a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine in which 300 “moderately obese people” were followed on three different diets: the low-carb diet, the low-fat diet, and the Mediterranean diet (healthy fats, some dairy products, abundant fruits and vegetables). After the first five months of tightly controlled dieting, the dieters [...]

The Fat Studies Reader is out!

2009-11-09T13:03:00Z

It's been a long time coming but The Fat Studies Reader, edited by Esther Rothblum and Sondra Solovay, is now available from all good bookshops.

If you're anywhere near San Francisco, you might want to consider attending The Fat Studies Reader Reading and Release Party where you can hear brilliant Reader contributors tease you with short, tantalizing, provocative excerpts from their groundbreaking chapters.

When? 3 PM on November 21, 2009

Where? Modern Times Bookstore in San Francisco at 888 Valencia Street
San Francisco, CA 94110. (Between 19th and 20th streets.)

Who? The lineup includes: Esther Rothblum, Sondra Solovay, Marilyn Wann, Elana Dykewomon, Lacy Asbill, Matilda St. John, Natalie Boero, Deb Burgard, Nat Pyle, Michael Loewy, Dana Schuster, Lisa Tealer, Elena Escalera, Dylan Vade, Beth Bernstein and Pat Lyons.

Plus! Make a day of it. Flabulous! - An Evening of Performance By and For People of Size & Their Allies is happening after the reading. This history making show is going to amaze, inspire and excite you. It features some of the most influential and inspiring performers of size from the west coast. There are two shows (7 and 9 PM on November 21st.) Tix are $15 and the show is at SomArts - 934 Brannan St., SF.

Questions?
For questions about the Release Party, email Esther at ERothblu@sdsu.edu or Sondra at Sondra@SolovayLaw.com
Flabulous! Facebook Event

Geek Alert: New Fat Studies Papers

2009-11-09T12:55:00Z

A new batch of papers has been published that may be of interest to Fat Studies scholars. Antipode: A Radical Journal of Geography 41(5) looks at critical geographies of fat/bigness/corpulence.

Academics can get the online version of the journal through their institutions, civilians can probably get inter-library loans. Drop me a line if you want to read this stuff and are having trouble accessing it.

Introduction: Questioning Obesity Politics
Rachel Colls and Bethan Evans

What to do with the 'Tubby Hubby'?'Obesity,' the Crisis of Masculinity, and the Nuclear Family in Early Cold War Canada
Deborah McPhail

Measuring Fatness, Governing Bodies: The Spatialities of the Body Mass Index (BMI) in Anti-Obesity Politics
Bethan Evans and Rachel Colls

Choosing Health? Exploring Children's Eating Practices at Home and at School
Emma Rawlins

Teaching the Politics of Obesity: Insights into Neoliberal Embodiment and Contemporary Biopolitics
Julie Guthman

Older Daughter’s Question

2009-11-09T12:08:54Z

“Mommy? Why are you so fat?” “Because that’s the way I’m built. We have a lot of large, strong women in our family. . . And I also dieted a lot when I was younger, and dieting can make you even bigger.” “Did you like how I did at the recital tonight?” “Yes. You played really, really well! [...]

Number 274, please step forward…

2009-11-09T10:59:14Z

5, 49, 22, 11, 475, 15, 31, 138, 29, 36, 110, 42, 54, 9, 165.

Each of these numbers represents something in my life but really, they don’t tell you much about me do they?

They could denote my bust measurement, my age, the number of my photographs I have posted at redbubble, the number of years I have spent studying at university, my shirt size, my husband’s weight, the number of my house, my hip measurement, the number of hours I spent in active labour to have both my children, my bra band size in inches, my height, my shoe size, the number of years I have been married to my husband and my weight and the number of lovers I have had. They could represent all of these things, some of these things or none of these things.

So while all those figures denote something about me and may (or may not) provide you with snippets of information about who I am, how I live my life or what is important to me, they really don’t tell you much at all. You might like to think I have had 138 lovers and that I wear a size 5 shoe. You are entitled to think that but you may or may not be correct. You would be making assumptions.

You might think I weigh 138 kilograms or 165 kilograms or 475 pounds. You may be right or you may not. Each of the numbers is an arbitrary designation foisted upon me by a scale of measurement devised by some wise person who had an overwhelming desire to keep track of things. Time, weight, size, length, volume – they are all arbitrary measures. In themselves, they mean diddly squat. Society has placed meaning upon some of these numbers. Society has placed a moral value on some of these numbers. If I have been married for 5 years, I might still be considered a newly-wed whereas if I have been married for 15 years I am doing pretty well considering the current divorce rate in this country. If I have studied at university for 5 years you might assume I am doing a double degree or postgrad study or that I study part time. If I have studied for 15 years at uni, you might think I have a student debt the size of the national deficit (and you would be right) or you might think I am have done several degrees. If you think I have had 5 lovers you might think that for a woman in this day and age who has been married twice and had another long term relationship, that 5 lovers isn’t too many whereas if you think I have had 49 lovers, you might think that is the most disgusting immoral thing you have ever heard. Or else wonder what the heck sort of pheromones I exude.

You could (and are more than welcome to) make all sorts of assumptions about my life from that list of numbers. Some of your assumptions may be right, some will not be. I am sure I am preaching to the choir here. You know you can’t learn much about me by looking at those numbers. If I hadn’t told you what any of them may correspond to, I doubt very much that anyone would have been able to correlate each number with what it represents in my life.

Yet how often are judgements made (by ourselves in regards to our own self worth or by others in regards to our lifestyle or personal characteristics) when the number corresponds to that which flashes up on our digital scales? Or when it is sewn into the tag inside our new jeans? How often are we judged, not just by others but by ourselves for those numbers? We see some numbers as bad and some as good, depending on what we are correlating those number with. 1000 dollars in our pocket is generally good, 1000 dollars owed in phone bills is not so good. 165lb might be one woman’s dream weight but it would another woman’s living hell. It is all subjective and arbitrary. They are just numbers. Numbers can’t have meaning unless we imbue them with that meaning.

Don’t give numbers power over you. Don’t let a number on the scale or on the tag in your clothing dictate to you what your life must be like. Just because you are 220, 250, 300, 450 pounds or whatever other weight, doesn’t mean you cant have a productive life. Sure, you might not but you might not at 100lb or 120lb either. Wearing a size 20 jeans doesn’t mean you can’t be a good person. It doesn’t mean you can’t be a healthy person. It doesn’t mean you can’t be a productive person. Or a smart person, or an active person. It doesn’t mean a thing other than you wear size 20 jeans. Numbers do not have moral value. They are merely designations. We (society) are putting the meaning and the moral value on these numbers. We need to realise that we are only harming ourselves by doing this. These numbers are largely irrelevant, what matters is how you feel, whether you are able to do the things you want to do in your life and whether or not you are harming anyone else in the process. And even those things change from moment to moment. Everything is fluid, everything changes – constantly. We need to not get bogged down in what today held or what we think tomorrow may hold. We need to not allow numbers to dictate our lives, especially not numbers on scales or clothing. Let’s break free from being defined and dictated to by arbitrary numbers, let’s do something outrageous and try being defined by who we are as individuals and see how that goes.

Back to square one

2009-11-09T07:19:16Z

Several months ago, I posted this question to the intertubes: Would it be inhumane to spray Hooghly when she jumps on the table and countertops? I had a water gun, which I didn’t use because it was too intense. After trial and error, I purchased what I thought was the perfect solution: A little travel [...]

Injured in car accident? Weight loss will fix you right up.

2009-11-09T07:44:14Z

Danielle writes:

Hi my name is Danielle and I wanted to submit a story. This blog has helped me to be a lot more aware of how anti-fat bias can impede interactions with health care professionals.

Three weeks ago my mother was in a car accident and suffered injuries to her feet and knees. One leg has swelled significantly and made it difficult for her to walk. She started going to a physical therapist for her injuries. This therapist told her that the best thing she could do to heal would be to lose weight, and he is requiring her to submit food logs to him so he can monitor her diet. I wonder how all of his thin patients recuperate from accidents. She has to see him three times a week, and every time she comes back more and more demoralized. Now he has started pushing weight loss surgery. What does bariatric surgery have to do with a car accident?

Another short story. I fell down the stairs a few months ago and have suffered back pain as a result. I never had back problems before. Now I can’t walk a block without experiencing severe pain. I put off going to the doctor about it for a long time because I knew she’d do nothing to help me, but it go so bad I had to seek help. Of course she said the only thing I could do for the pain is lose weight. She didn’t even bother with pain medication because weight loss is the only “cure”, and pain meds simply treat the symptoms. Now I’ve been fat all my life and I used to be able to dance and walk and run and wear high heels and I can’t do any of that anymore. I refuse to diet because I know that will make the situation worse, but I do feel trapped.

Thank you for helping so many.

Newsflash: HAES Really Works!

2009-11-08T21:33:00Z

At least, according to researchers at Laval University in Quebec, who have just published the results of a randomized trial comparing Health at Every Size with other food-related interventions.

The study involved premenopausal women considered overweight or obese, who spent time either in an HAES group, a support group, or a control group. A year after the trial had ended, the women in the HAES group had less "situational susceptibility to disinhibition," meaning they were less likely than women in the other two groups to overeat when triggered by stress, abundance, and other external situations. Women in both the HAES and support groups ate less in response to perceptions of hunger.

I'm a little irked that the ScienceDaily writeup of the study refers to HAES as a "new weight paradigm." But hey, it's still good news, and the beginning, I hope, of more studies looking at the benefits of HAES. Now, if only I could get these study results to the last group of doctors I spoke to . . .

Interview with Charlie Lovett, author of The Program, at BBW Reviews

2009-11-08T19:51:24Z

BBW Reviews has posted an interview with Charlie Lovett, author of the novel The Program. Those who comment on the interview will have a chance of winning a copy of the book, about an evil weight loss clinic and the...

A big white blob is sitting on my counter

2009-11-08T18:32:44Z

Can you guess what this is? I’ll give you a hint: It’s all wrapped up (with holes cut into the top) so that my cats won’t get to it. Stumped? Ok, here’s another hint: They really, really want to eat it, which I think is gross. Still confused? Ok, here’s a picture of what’s inside: It’s Amish Friendship [...]

Farther than we've ever been is NOT FAR ENOUGH

2009-11-08T15:45:00Z

The View

2009-11-07T18:19:14Z

Yes, I'm bragging. I need to, because yesterday I just mailed my assessment payment.

Me and My Scales Part 4: Scales of Doom

2009-11-07T15:20:32Z

This post has been in draft for a very long time. I haven’t posted much over the past year, but I hope this addition to the Me and My Scales series will kick-start it off again. This builds on my philosophy that fat and size acceptance are an ongoing journey, not a destination.

Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3

I did not one day hear the Fat Acceptance Word and shriek: “Glory!” I was not saved.

I did not go forth and diet no more.

For a long time, I still weighed myself. I still rated my value according to the number on the scale. Yes, even though I let myself eat what I wanted. And after so many years of restriction and self denial, what I wanted was food and lots of it. And I still felt the need to binge – to consume vast quantities of ‘forbidden’ food in secret – although the binges became less frequent and a smaller amount of food over time. To the point that I have not binged in years, incidentally.

(No, I’m not claiming ‘good fatty’ status – just stating that for me food restriction, AKA dieting, was one end of a wildly tottering seesaw with binging on the other end. Allowing my eating to self-regulate eventually allowed the seesaw to balance.)

Clearly, this wasn’t self care, but strangely, I feel it was a part of my path being able to care for myself.

I really don’t know how to describe the ‘in between years’ when intellectually I understood that my body did not deserve my hatred, but I hadn’t come to the point where loving my body was natural to me.

But, at some point, the scales disappeared.

I am not sure when, exactly. You would think I’d have a suitably dramatic memory of tossing the scales out the window, or running them over, or some similar angry, defiant act. But I don’t.

Nevertheless, I was somewhat anxious when my partner John commenced home dialysis a few years ago and I had to allow a pair of scales into the house (so he can work out how much fluid is removed each night – ‘dry’ weight vs his pre-dialysis weight).

They sat ominously in the corner of the bathroom: THE SCALES OF DOOM.

I worried that I would be tempted (or perhaps ‘compelled’ is the word?) to re-enter an obsession with a kilo lost or a kilo gained, that I would be on the whole diet merry-go-around again.

But, after about 15 or so years of actively not dieting, and instinctive eating, I found that I was sufficiently at ease with my size and weight to look in the mirror and enjoy my shape, not for its potential if I lose a few kilos, but as it is now.

But I still have ‘bad’ days of course. Doesn’t everyone?

Accepting one’s body as it exists today is a challenge, particularly if one is DEATHFAT.

I remember one particular ‘bad’ day a few years ago relating to the production of one of my partner’s art works. We were sourcing most of the costumes for a 70s tableau from a costume hire studio – and all they had to fit my size were hideous mumus and caftans. I was reduced to humilated tears. It worked out fine in the end – I ended up wearing a black corset over one of the groovier caftans and it looked great – but the humiliation and SHAME OF BEING FAT burned deep that day, even though I declared myself ‘pro-size acceptance’ and had for some time.

That’s part of what I mean about size acceptance and fat acceptance being a journey. We have an idealised goal in mind, but we are human. We have doubts and failings and slips and stumbles. My weight has gone up and down during this time, but that is a natural thing which doesn’t bother me either way. I haven’t been on a scale in a long time, and could only guess at what I weigh (approx 115kg +/- 5kg). At the moment, I am on a downward cycle (My jeans from last year completely slip over my hips), but that is not through any conscious decision to lose weight. I don’t feel like I am depriving myself of anything – quite the opposite in fact! However I am sure that at some point, I will be on a gaining cycle again.

We are battling against anti-fat propaganda and pressure to be thin. In fact, I believe it goes further; it’s a pressure on women in general to be aware of the *beholder* (you know “beauty is in the eye of…”, etc.) That is, we judge ourselves (and are judged) by external things – how we dress, our make up, whether our hair is professionally coifed or tousled, our size – things that are basically superficial.

The realisation that we can base our self-esteem on things other than our appearance is a big one, but very, very hard. I don’t think anyone can perfectly achieve size acceptance 100% of the time, but being aware that it is a path we can choose is a really important first step.

Posted in Body Acceptance, Body Image, Fat, Fat Acceptance, Fat Activism, Fatadelic, HAES, Life, Size Acceptance Tagged: diet, scales, weightloss

WZTV Fox 17 News story on Health At Every Size to air Nov. 8 & 9, 2009 in Nashville area

2009-11-07T03:44:55Z

A few weeks ago Nick Paranjape, morning anchor/reporter for WZTV Fox 17, interviewed me (Peggy Elam, Ph.D.) about Health At Every Size. I was interviewed at the WRFN studio in Pasquo, and they filmed Pat Ballard and me co-hosting our Monday morning Radio Free Nashville show.

The story has been scheduled to air this coming Sunday, November 8 during the 9 p.m. newscast. It should also be run the next morning during the Tennessee Mornings show (5 a.m. to 9 a.m.).

Watch it and let us know what you think!

Oh where oh where

2009-11-07T00:58:57Z

In the NaBloPoMo naughty chair, that's where baby Shannon is.