ExpectingWords.com

Hey Mean Moms, Zip It!

Laurie — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 16:43:32 +0000

Moms can be meanies. It’s no surprise that when I wrote about this sad fact on my blog, I had nearly a dozen responses of women sharing their experience of being attacked by other moms.

Jen, who has a 5 year old son with Autism explained that when he was younger she would keep him on a baby harness so he wouldn’t run off on her outside, which he had done many times. She had one mother telling her she was treating her son like a dog. Another told her she was cruel.

Georgia wrote that she was attacked during her pregnancy for gaining too much weight and deciding to induce labor. But everyone has their reasons.

For Georgia, she induced because the week of her due date her mother would be out of the country for work, her husband was going to be on the other side of the country for work, and her doctor was going on vacation.

Since I wrote that blog post I started to wonder, how might I be making decisions for my son, not because I think it’s the best decision, but because I’m afraid of the wrath of the mommy world?

When my son turned 15 months I took away his bottle gradually over a one week period. He’s not a strong eater or drinker (except he loves milk in the bottle), but I was told by his pediatrician and my mommy friends that my son would adjust within two weeks. He’d get thirsty and drink more from his straw cup or sippy cup. Didn’t happen. I tried seven types of cups.

Four weeks later I was still running around after him trying to get him to take sips just to reach a meager 12 ounces of daily fluid intake. I pushed fruit on him meal after meal because it’s high in water content. Still, he really wasn’t getting enough liquids. Was I doing something wrong?

Thankfully, I talked to my husband about what was going on. He knew our child wasn’t adjusting well to the no-bottle life. Why not give him the bottle a little longer, he suggested. Because it’s not normal I told him. Because the doctors say to take it away at 12 months and we’re already late on that. Because Katie Holmes was crucified in the press when 2.5 year old Suri was caught drinking from a bottle.

My husband brought me back to reality. He put the situation in context: We cannot make decisions for our son because of what other people think. Duh! That’s just what I was doing. (I highly recommend talking to your husband or partner about your fear of doing something wrong or being rejected by other moms. Men are not in that mommy world and can sometimes offer a clear perspective).

So I’m outing myself. My son is 19 months and he drinks from a bottle twice a day. And I refuse to be afraid of what anyone else thinks.

How would you “out” yourself?

(This post originally appeared as Laurie’s guest post on Babycenter.com’s Momformation blog)

Pregnant? How to Save Money on Maternity Clothes

Laurie — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 17:37:35 +0000

You find out you’re pregnant. You start shopping, or at least thinking about it. When is it reasonable to buy maternity clothes? 8 weeks? 12 weeks? Second trimester? Do you have to be showing before you start looking at cribs and paint colors? Is it ridiculous to stop moms in the street to ask them about their stroller?

One of my closest friends just entered second trimester. After nearly 10 weeks of waiting, she has released herself from the hold of “no shopping until…” and off she went to buy and buy and buy. Her husband thinks the shopping is a coping mechanism to deal with the pregnancy. I don’t.

I think it’s the pure joy and desire to have her outside world reflect what’s going on inside of her. But that doesn’t mean the wallet should become a bottomless pit.

One really cool way I kept my maternity clothes spending down was to ask close friends who had recently been pregnant whether they were interested in a maternity clothes merry-go-round. One friend jumped on the bandwagon. She shared her maternity clothes with me. I added to the collection and then lent them back to her or in our case, to another mutual friend who became pregnant next. The collection grows and I didn’t have to buy an expensive maternity dress for a wedding that took place when I was 8.5 months pregnant. And let me tell you, getting that huge dress out of my sight by mailing to my friend was more than a cost-saver, it was a sanity saver.

How do you keep your spending under control during pregnancy? Do you and your partner agree on financial limits? Who is the cheaper one?

Other Posts You Might Like:

Paying for a Sneak Peak of My Baby

Do’s and Don’ts on Buying Baby Clothes for Your Newborn

Husbands Beware: Your Wife Might Be a Babyfest Addict

Can stay-at-home moms and their working husbands really get along?

Laurie — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 18:58:10 +0000

My friend, Robin Saks Frankel, who is a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) and founder of Crib Notes, an e-newsletter for parents of kids ages zero to three, told me that she loves her husband, but she can’t stand him when he offers opinions on raising their young children. “When my husband has parenting suggestions I get annoyed, even though he certainly has the right as the daddy to be a part of the decision-making process.”

Despite her admission of his fatherly rights, the emotional tug of “You don’t know what you’re talking about!” is too much of a draw and they get into unnecessary fights. After all, she doesn’t tell her husband what to do at work, so why should he interfere with her job at home? I can imagine her rolling her eyes at her partner’s naïve parenting suggestion like “just ignore him” when their toddler throws his vegetables on the floor. Her response: Ignore him? When I do that he just continues throwing the rest of the food on the floor and he eats nothing for dinner.

My advice for her and for any loving mother and wife is to ask herself, what kind of boss do I want to be? A dictator or a diplomat?

Imagine that you are a corporate executive (which some SAHMs used to be, and some working moms still are). How would you make decisions without alienating your colleagues? Would you ask for input before making a decision that could affect them? Would you let your colleagues know that your door is always open to their ideas? When they approach you with a suggestion would you ask questions, take their input into consideration, and then discuss your reasoning when it’s decision-making time? If you’d do those things then you are choosing to be a diplomat- a respectful, attentive listener. It doesn’t matter whether 80% of your colleagues’ suggestions are entirely impractical. What matters is that 20% of those ideas are valuable. (Honestly, how many of your own ideas end up being impractical?)

But, even with the logic of diplomacy, it may still be hard to stay on course. Why is that? I think the answer is that some women expect their husbands to have levels of knowledge that they couldn’t possibly have. When my husband suggested that perhaps our son would eat the chicken if I grilled it instead of baking it, I was annoyed because I already tried that and it DIDN’T WORK! But here’s the catch: He didn’t know this because he wasn’t home, and it was ridiculous for me to expect him to know it. The diplomat in me has to remind myself that parenting involves a lot of trial and error. So if I’m the one making the majority of the trials and handling the majority of errors, then I have to be patient when my husband’s idea is one I tried last week. It’s not a dumb suggestion; it’s just one I tried already.

And every now and then, my husband, acting without my preconceived notions about our son, comes up with a good idea that would have never occurred to me. Encouraging him to share all ideas is what enables us to find the good ones.

Are you a SAHM or working mom who handles the majority of child-rearing responsibilities? Do you get annoyed with your husband’s suggestions? Do you find yourselves in a power struggle? Are you a stay-at-home dad who deals with the same issues?

Other Posts You Might Like:

Are You a Bossy Mom?

Failing at Post-Baby Romance?

Oversharing: What’s Public? What’s Private?

10 Surprises when Recovering from Labor and Delivery

Laurie — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 14:41:40 +0000

There’s a reason why new moms can’t wait to get out of the hospital after they give birth.

Here are the top ten post-delivery surprises my friends and I faced. If you’re preparing for birth, then reading this list just might help you smile instead of grimace when…

1) At least four nurses will squeeze your boobs. Sometimes, one will squeeze while another watches.

2) Your pulse and blood pressure will be taken every four hours to make sure you’re alive.

3) There is no such thing as nighttime in a hospital.

4) A random medical student may watch you give birth and you won’t care.

5) After having your baby, it will literally feel like you have a hole in your belly.

6) It’s hard to pee.

7) It hurts to sit down.

There is no space for flowers and you won’t have a vase.

9) You will not want to get out of your robe.

10) Like it or not, you are the host of the after-birth party.

What surprised you about your recovery from labor and delivery?

Other Posts You Might Like:

10 Tips for an Expecting Mother

Preparing for Birth Can Be a Lot Harder Than It Seems

How to Take Charge of Your Labor and Delivery

How to Take Charge of Your Labor and Delivery

The One Idea that Will Change the Way You Parent

Laurie — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 17:07:34 +0000

I read a book. It changed everything I thought about parenting. Raising a Child With Soul: How Time-Tested Jewish Wisdom Can Shape Your Child’s Character by Slovie Jungreis-Wolff is heavy on lessons and heavy on Bible stories. But don’t let that scare you. Even if you’re not Jewish or Christian, there are insights from Jungreis-Wolff that will change the way you parent forever.

I feel desperate to share one of many remarkable insights I gained from this book. I want to SHOUT this idea to all parents from the top of the Empire State Building.

Jungreis-Wolff writes that one key to building good character in young children is to avoid false praise. She says that when a child displays a special interest or talent (baking cookies, drawing a picture, finger-painting, etc.) do not give false praise that they are amazing painters, superb chefs or the best artists. Do not hang every picture on the fridge. Doing that will only make their knees buckle when the real world shows them that they are not as talented as they thought they were.

Instead of boosting their ego on empty compliments, boost their soul through generosity. How? Take their specially-made crafts and cookies and give them away! Encourage your child to mail the picture to Grandma, the finger painting to Aunt Laura. Take the cookies to the fire department or neighbors and let your child share the gift.

When your child receives a phone call from Grandpa saying, “Thank you so much for sending the picture, it brightened my day!” your child will know that he can bring light into the world through giving. When the fireman shows enormous appreciation for a single cookie, your child will feel proud of himself for bringing such joy to a stranger. And isn’t that what parents are supposed to do? Teach our children to build self-esteem by experiencing pride and joy when they make the world a little bit brighter. It’s common sense, uncommonly used.

Other Posts You Might Like:

Birth Order is All It’s Cracked Up To Be

Are Babies Bad for Relationships?

Mickey, I Don’t Want to Be Your Friend

Is a vacation possible, without my son?

Laurie — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 17:37:38 +0000

This past weekend my husband and I flew to Cancun, Mexico. We spent four nights in Shangri-la, while our son stayed at home with visiting grandparents. It was our longest time away from our son. The weather was nice. It was slightly overcast part of the time, but as long as I could sit in a lounge chair by the pool with my husband beside me, I was euphoric. Blake was thoroughly entertained and happy at home, and the grandparents were thrilled to be with him. What could go wrong? Me.

Apparently, I need to take a vacation from my brain. For the first day of my trip, it just wouldn’t stop the movie reel: what if our plane crashes? What if Blake desperately cries for me for hours? What if they put him in the warmer pajamas but the heat is turned too high and Blake overheats in the middle of the night? What if they forget to read him “Goodnight Moon” at bedtime?

What if I shouldn’t have left my baby?

I met another mother at the hotel bar who was also on her first “couple” vacation with her husband since having their ten-month old. We bonded. She told me that she’s surprised no one called the police when she handed her daughter over to her mother-in-law the day before their vacation. The transfer happened at a McDonalds at a highway rest stop mid-way between the two ladies who lived hours apart. When my new friend passed the baby to her mother-in-law at the fast food joint, she was bawling, as if she would never see her daughter again.

By day 2 of our trip, we had confirmation that Blake hadn’t cried for his mommy or daddy once, that he ate his entire meals (which he never does with us!) and that he was energetic, happy and a pleasure to be around. Now we could really start relaxing. And so the vacation from my brain began.

We ate, we drank, we talked, we slept, we… you know, and we laughed. We laughed at our son’s funny words and habits (like “pooter” for computer and how he copies us and sometimes calls himself “Blakey Blake”). We laughed at ourselves and how we go away so that we can spend half the time talking about Blake. We realized that just like everything else changed when we had Blake, so had vacations. The fact that the hotel provided free phone calls to the United States was better than drinking margaritas and eating chocolate cake. A direct flight home, priceless.

I didn’t know if would be possible to ever have a relaxing, beautiful beach vacation again with my husband. It is. We are not just parents, we are a couple.

Are you a new parent or expecting parent planning a vacation? Have you recently gone on a vacation without your child? Were you more or less anxious than you expected? Do you think vacations are more fun with your kids or without them?

Other Posts You Might Like:

To Babymoon or Not?

Am I a Good Enough Mother?

Over-sharing: What if Your Partner Shares Too Much?

If Mothering Were a Sport, I’d be a Rookie

Laurie — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 10:00:39 +0000

Mothering: The most exhausting test of endurance I have ever experienced.

Not only does this sport require tremendous energy and money, it also requires parents to be constant activity planners. That’s where moms Heather Flett and Whitney Moss come in. They make parents’ lives a little bit easier with their creative blog www.RookieMoms.com (I guest blogged for them last week about 5 activities to stay in love, even when you have young children!) and book. Meanwhile, their book The Rookie Mom’s Handbook: 250 Activities to Do with (and Without) Your Baby expands upon the blog by sharing helpful, funny and totally necessary advice for new moms, making it a great baby shower gift.

One of their blog posts, 25 Activities to Try During Your Maternity Leave, was oh so fitting for me because I found it incredibly hard to get out of the house for the first couple months of my son’s life. I guess I’m not the only one who felt this way. Here’s one of the activities recommended during maternity leave that I want to pass on to you.

“Activity #1: Observe Fearless Fridays.
This means you should do something you’re afraid of, like changing your baby’s diaper in a park or in the trunk of your car, nursing in public, mixing a bottle while on an errand or simply committing to a social engagement. Such simple things, unless you’re a new mother or father!”

Here are a few other activities from their clever little book that I loved.

“#16 Go on a reconnaissance mission
When the baby is in a good mood (or better, sleeping peacefully in the stroller), scope out your local shopping destinations for “safe places” at where you can feed and change her. That way you can get out of the house every day and know that you don’t have to race against the clock to get back home.

#28 Drink beer
If you’re nursing, beer is widely rumored to help with milk production. If you aren’t nursing, beer might still help you deal with the crying (yours and baby’s). Also, it’s worth mentioning that we’re talking about one beer a day, not a whole case…

#248 Launch the first annual Camp Grandma
Here’s how it works: Plan an overnight trip with your partner, even if you just make reservations at a nearby hotel. Ask your baby’s grandparents to come stay at your place while you’re away, saving you the trouble of packing up all of baby’s things. Train grandma and grandpa to use the car seat, stroller, and the coffee maker and then LET GO.”

What activities would you recommend for rookie moms? Did you ever feel like you just couldn’t get out of the house? Are you pregnant and wondering what you will do during maternity leave?

Other Posts You Might Like:

My Baby Blues

Sex Talk: Post-Pregnancy

Why I’m a Mommy Club Outcast

How to stay in love, even when you have young children!

Laurie — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 22:37:12 +0000

Today, I’m excited to share my guest post on guest post on RookieMoms.com.

I wrote about 5 fun activities to do with your spouse to keep your relationship strong.

My husband and I know that our son adds a lot of stress to our relationship, so we use these activities to stay connected.

Perhaps they will make a difference for you too.

Are You a Bossy Mom?

Laurie — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 09:00:16 +0000

I promised to be a little more patient and my husband promised to be a little faster. That’s the compromise we reached once it became clear that I had gotten used to barking orders: “Get the washcloth! Bring me the bottle! Go find him the tiny little stuffed dog he loves that is usually in his crib but not here right now!” Yes, I mean those exclamation points.

I’m hoping I’m not the only one who suffers from I-Had-a-Baby-and-Turned-Into-a-Barking-Dog syndrome.

According to new research that I wrote about in another post, 90 percent of couples say their relationship is worse since they had a baby. I suspect it’s because life tends to feel like an emergency all the time when there’s a baby or toddler around. The sense of urgency means many of us push niceties, tactfulness, and respect to the side for the greater good (the child).

I read a story a few months ago about a mom who was bathing her three young kids in the tub, and once they were nearly all clean, IT happened. The youngest pooped in the tub. I can only imagine what the mom yelled to her husband in that moment. She ended up having to take them out, clean the tub, and then bathe them all again. I think she would deserve a pass on any barked orders.

But the truth is that in general, a child does not equal a state of emergency, and I have to remind myself of this for the other greater good (my marriage). If I don’t have that exact toy my son wants for another five minutes, he can just deal with that, and so should I. If my back is hurting because I’ve been holding the kid for too long and my husband wants to go to the bathroom and wash his hands and change out of his work clothes before taking over, I should just put the child down. So what if he whines for a few minutes? (It’ll be my husband’s job to deal with our son’s bad mood when he gets out of the bathroom anyway, but don’t tell him I said that!)

Mostly, I need to remember that words like “Please,” “Thank you,” “Would you mind…?” and “Do you think you could…?” are meant for the man I love, too, not just for strangers helping me in a store or taking my order at a restaurant.

I’m curious to know if other moms have barked more orders since having a baby. What’s the worst thing you’ve barked? Do you try to say “Please” and “Thank you” to your honey? Would you consider yourself a bossy mom? Is your mate a bossy dad?

(This post originally appeared as Laurie’s guest post on Babycenter.com’s Momformation blog)

Other Posts You Might Like:

I’m a Wanna-be Selfish Mom

Why I Hired the Television Babysitter

Breastfeeding is a Man’s Job Too

How to Take Charge of Your Labor and Delivery

Laurie — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 10:00:28 +0000

When I discovered the blog www.AtYourCervix.blogspot.com I was shocked, to say the least. A courageous Labor and Delivery Registered Nurse (who remains anonymous) blogs about what goes on behind closed doors at the maternity ward in the hospital where she works. AtYourCervix is a smart and savvy lady with more than eight years of experience in Obstetrical Nursing. She currently works in a teaching hospital in Pennsylvania where over 4000 babies are born annually. With a commitment to service and a voice of compassion for mothers, she shares her insights with us in today’s guest post. Thank you AtYourCervix, for your words of wisdom.

How to Take Charge of Your Labor and Delivery
from guest blogger, AtYourCervix

You’re having a baby. Congratulations! I’m sure you’re looking forward to the day where you get to finally gaze upon the beautiful face of the little one gestating inside of your body.

Whether you receive your prenatal care with a physician or a midwife, many expecting parents plan to give birth in a hospital. But, do you know what to expect once you arrive at the hospital? Do you have a birth plan or list of preferences in place for the labor and birth — or do you plan on flying by the seat of your pants?

Planning ahead and knowing what you might expect are important to your labor and delivery experience. What are the routine procedures and protocols at the hospital where you will be delivering?

Fetal Monitoring for How Long?

Many hospitals – if not all – require you to have an initial period of fetal monitoring. Sometimes this may be as short as 15-20 minutes. Or, if anything looks suspicious on the monitor, they may require you to be on the fetal monitor for longer periods of time. This can be variable, depending on the “routine policy” of your hospital.

Getting Out of Bed

Lying down in a hospital bed, while having contractions, can be very uncomfortable for many women. My best suggestion to you is to get out of that bed as often as you can! This not only makes your labor pains more bearable, but it helps the baby move and rotate into an optimal position for labor to progress.

Unnecessary IV’s

Some hospitals require each laboring woman to have an intravenous (IV) site placed upon admission. This is simply an IV site where fluids and medications can be given during the labor process. Can you refuse or opt out of receiving an IV placed? You’ll have to ask your hospital or care provider if you really need that IV placed.

Creating the Environment

Hospitals can be brightly lit, loud places to try to give birth. This can be counterproductive to your ability to relax and focus on breathing through your contractions. You can turn down (or turn off) the lights in your labor room. You might want to bring your own source of music (earbuds, CD player) to help drown out the beeps and dings of the hospital environment.

Limiting Cervical Exams

Cervical exams are done routinely in many hospitals to gauge the progress of a woman’s labor. Sometimes they are done rather frequently. Keep in mind, however, that the risk for an infection increases with each cervical exam, especially when your “bag of water” is broken. As a laboring woman, you do have the right to question frequent cervical checks (as well as virtually every other procedure!) done while in the hospital. It never hurts to ask questions about whether something is necessary or not.

Dads: what can you do to help Mom?

Go to childbirth classes together. Consider it a date night before the baby arrives. You will help learn valuable techniques and supportive measures for labor and birth. Make sure you talk with your partner before labor begins about what her goals are: does she want to avoid an epidural? Is she open to pain medication or does she want to have a natural childbirth? What can you do to help her achieve her goals?

Some ideas for Dad to help Mom: suggesting a change in her position or movement every 15-30 minutes, walking in the room or the hallway, use of tub or shower, massage (if she wants you to touch her – some women don’t like being touched in labor), playing her favorite soothing music, getting her juice or other liquids to drink, keeping her supplied with ice chips, reminding her of what a great job she’s doing, as well as reminding her to keep her bladder empty.

A positive, encouraging partner can be priceless to a laboring woman!

Other Posts You Might Like:

10 Tips for an Expecting Mother

Preparing for Birth Can Be a Lot Harder Than It Seems

Top 5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me BEFORE The Baby Came