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How to Ask for What You Want

Laurie — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 20:29:29 +0000

This is a topic I’ve written about for years. A chapter in my first book Instant Persuasion is called “Ask and You’ll Receive.” In it, I share stories of disappointed expectations, such as:

“I wanted a special Valentine’s gift and I assumed he knew that. But he only got me a store-bought card and I was hurt.” Um, honey, if you didn’t tell him that you wanted a wrapped gift, he wasn’t going to read your mind. You set yourself up to be disappointed.

Communication Blunder: It’s a blunder to expect someone to offer you something that you want.

With all my insights and tips for others, I try to apply them to myself too. Turns out I have a big mouth in the public world, but when it comes to home life, sometimes I have to push myself to speak up. Anyone else like that?

Here’s the background on my most recent “asking for what I want” conversation. After I had my first child, I got the baby blues. My stress and anxiety began and blew up in the hospital the night after my son was born. My son cried most of the night, I didn’t know how to breastfeed or burp, and I had about four nurses visit me through the night to help. I finally gave up and sent my baby to cry in the nursery. At 3 in the morning, I felt alone, really alone.

Now that I’m pregnant again (due in late January) I think about that first night and I know that I don’t want to repeat it. So I decided to ask for what I want, which is, for my husband to spend the night with me in the hospital.

For some, that might seem like a small request, but we had never discussed that option and since my husband can’t take off much time from work I didn’t want him to be more exhausted than necessary. I was also much more gung-ho the first time around, believing that I could handle anything on my own. But this time, I am not so confident. I need help and admit it. I want him to sleep over even if I’m in a double room (but hopefully I’ll have a private one now that we are at a roomy suburban hospital rather than a city one). We are also lucky enough to have parents who can stay in our house with our other child.

So, the other night, as we lay in bed before going to sleep, I asked him, “This time, when I give birth, I’d really like you to sleep over in the hospital at least the first night. Would you do that?” He took a deep breath and said, “Really? You want me there. I guess I can do that.” I added a little more about why I wanted him there to comfort me, and he then he more positively said, “I’ll sleep on a chair. It doesn’t matter. I can take a nap during the day.” And that was it. I asked and I received… and I was relieved.

This may sound corny, but I’m proud of myself for making the request. The communication wonder listed in my book is true:

Communication Wonder: When you want something, ask for it. People don’t know what you want, only you do.

When’s the last time you asked your mate for what you wanted? Was it hard or easy to get the words out of your mouth? Are you more outspoken at home or in public?

Suburb v. City: The Big Question

Laurie — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 09:14:57 +0000

We lived in a Manhattan apartment until 6 weeks ago. Now we live a house in the ‘burbs of Westchester outside New York City. Was the move the right decision? Yes, for us.

The Big Pros:

1) Backyard. A major reason we decided to move is that our son loves being outside. Whenever he’s in a bad mood (since he was four months old), if we take him outside, he calms down and becomes happy again. This wonderful feature of Blake meant that in the city, at 7:30am after he, and therefore I, had been up for nearly 2 hours, I’d have to pack up the diaper bag, put our coats, bring a snack, my wallet, cell phone and take the elevator down to head to the park or just stroll and visit a Starbucks or the supermarket. I’m not kidding; I did that way too many times. Then there would be the mornings when he had no plans and it was too cold for an hour at the playground so his nanny would take him in and out of stores or set him free on the kid’s floor at Bloomingdale’s to run around. Now, in a house, I can just open the back door and Blake can run free in the yard, play on the swing set, and ride his tricycle. Since it’s summer, he also plays with water toys in the baby pool and he LOVES watering the plants with the hose. The ability to be outside in one second is a huge pro for our family. It also makes the weekend afternoons flow by because my husband and I are also happier being able to play outside and run into the bathroom or take turns watching him.

2) We have “family friends.” Yes, we had such friends before, but now we can actually spend time with them. We’ve have families over for brunch or dinner and we have the space for all of us to sit in the family room or playroom, or hang out in the backyard. What a pleasure to have a relaxing experience in our own house. It’s also a nice thing for my husband and I to share the experience of watching Blake play with another child. While I was able to do that in the city some times, Dave hardly ever saw Blake with a friend.

3) Stores are farther, but closer in the suburbs. In the city, Buy Buy Baby wasn’t in walking distance from our apartment, therefore I didn’t go there, unless I had the energy for the half-hour journey each way of riding the subway and carrying bags back home (and those bags were heavy with diapers, toys and baby equipment). Now, I just get in the car and drive 5 minutes to get there.

4) Our house is neater. The toys are in the playroom, not in the family room, the kitchen or my bedroom. What a luxury to not have to step over toys! I realize this neatness might diminish once the second baby comes, but I know it will always be better than our city apartment.

5) It’s prettier and quieter. This is personal and you might not feel the same way, but I like looking out the window at trees and grass. I like seeing the moon at night and the stars out bright. I enjoy not waking up to horns and engines.

6) The commute. This one would be on the con list for some, but for my husband, it’s a pro. He hates having to operate on a train schedule, but he loves the 30 to 40 minute ride. It’s his time to read and think. When he gets home from work, he’s already had his down time and he’s excited to play with Blake. I’m not as much a fan of the commute, but since I have a city office and a home office, I don’t have to travel every day, so the commute doesn’t affect me very much.

7) Room for extended family. When my in-laws visit us at our house, they can sleep over in comfort. In the city, we didn’t really have room for them. When my parents visit, there’s enough space to play and spend hours at home without itching to leave. More space means more spontaneous fun and less need to plan events, classes and outings.

The Big Cons:

1) Less walking. I like to walk, but in the suburbs I have to decide to go for a walk. In the city I would walk to pick up milk, dinner, shampoo or something else every single day. I have to be more conscious of exercising now that I live in a house.

2) House work. There is no denying that a house is a lot of work. From moving in, to repairs, to little things you don’t think about like building bookshelves (I guess the prior owners didn’t have an overload of books like we do), I have a daily list of bills, chores and phone calls to tend to.

3) Friend work. Then there is the “work” of making new friends, finding the best stores, supermarket, deli, bagel shop (that’s my husband’s Sunday pursuit), etc. This is all the work of building a life for ourselves in our new community. Although I list it as a con, it can be a pro if you find it exciting to discover a new community and build friendships, which I do, sometimes. I advised one friend of mine considering the move to the suburbs, don’t do it unless you’re motivated and enthusiastic about putting in the time find out new restaurants, playgrounds, nursery schools, neighbors and friends. If that sounds like a horrible burden to you, then you might want to wait on the move.

4) Less time with my husband. This is my final con. His commute means he’s home about an hour less a day, but that’s not such a big deal because he still gets home early enough to spend an hour with Blake and have dinner with me. The real issue is that even when he is home, we have so many more chores and errands to run that the logistics take away from our time to relax and hang out together. Since my first trimester of pregnancy coincided with our move, I had also been going to sleep earlier than usual. Now that I feel better, we have a little more time. The only way to deal with this con is for us to be very alert of how we use our time. We don’t turn the TV on unless it’s a particular show we both like and we don’t check our email or go on-line for at least an hour after dinner.

All in all, as I read through my pros and cons, it’s clear that most of them are child dependent. We wouldn’t have moved if we didn’t have a child and plan to grow our family. Then again, there are many benefits to city living for kids: ease of playdates with other kids in the same apartment building; dozens of parks to choose from; exciting children’s museums; classes and nursery schools within strolling distance. And of course the pros for adults: great restaurants, closer to work, cultural events and good public transportation. Though at this point, my husband and I weren’t really taking advantage of the city restaurants and events anymore.

Now that I’ve shared too much information, I will leave you to consider whether my pros and cons are or would be the same as yours.

Are you considering the move to the suburbs? Are you a die-hard urbanite? What factors affect your decision?

Goodbye First Trimester, Hello Nuchal

Laurie — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 20:49:18 +0000

I’m 13 weeks now and relieved to put the first trimester behind me. Thankfully, my morning sickness dissolved just in time for me to attend the Smart Marriages conference, which I wrote about last week.

So what’s the next big thing in the pregnancy journey? The “Nuchal Translucency“, also referred to as the “First Trimester Screen” or “Early Risk Assessment”. It’s a non-invasive ultrasound and blood test designed to “help your healthcare practitioner assess your baby’s risk of having Down syndrome (DS) and some other chromosomal abnormalities as well as major congenital heart problems,” says Babycenter.com. I’m excited for it because of the hi-resolution ultrasound (and the chance that I could find out the baby’s sex). Then again, it could give way to more worries.

Disclosure Note: NTD Labs is a provider of first trimester screening.
Both NTD Labs and ViaCord (our blog sponsor) are part of the PerkinElmer family. Although I have to admit, I didn’t know this before I started writing this post.

My friend’s nuchal results indicated that her child’s DS risk was higher than average based on the mother’s age during pregnancy. What does that mean? Basically, it means that she might benefit from an amnio. Yikes, now how does she make that decision? I don’t know if doctors realize this, but as soon as you tell a mother that her risk is “higher than normal” all she will do is think, eat, dream and talk about DS. After a week of self-torture my friend decided that she had to get an amnio or she’d spend the next 6 months going insane. During her week-long decision process, my friend also had to fend off her mother-in-law who insisted that the amnio was dangerous and unnecessary. She had her husband tell her “their” decision to have an amnio.

Of course, not everyone has the amnio after the nuchal results. Jaime, who writes the Blond Mom Blog, wrote about why she decided not to have an amnio after receiving disappointing nuchal results. For some, the nuchal is controversial because it can only indicate risks, it can’t give us yes/no results. An increased risk leads to more tough choices, amnio, cvs, and of course, the ultimate choice that most of us don’t even want to think about – what if we find out our child has DS or another chromosomal abnormality? No matter how prepared I like to be, that’s a conversation my husband and I will gladly avoid unless necessary.

How about you? Were you excited or nervous for the Nuchal? Did you have an amnio? How did you and your partner decide on this?

Are We Mismatched?

Laurie — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 20:22:16 +0000

I’ve noticed in my mediation practice that it’s quite common for a spouse to tell me that the relationship was fine until they had kids, and then….”my husband’s flaws blew up in my face!” I usually tell people that those flaws existed before you had children, but you didn’t notice them because forgetting to buy a tape measure doesn’t compare to the impending disaster of forgetting to buy diapers, and being tired and uninterested in cooking dinner is much less harmful than being too tired to bother giving your kid a bath or being too lazy to buy babyproof covers for the outlets. The flaws always existed, but the consequences are much worse when children are affected.

Where does this insight lead us? Since I’m in the same boat as everyone else when it comes to having discovered these new, but old flaws in my mate and myself, I’ll tell you how I handle the dilemma. First, I am a lot more forgiving than I used to be. Both my husband and I have been thrown into a new situation with a baby and until now we hadn’t felt the pressure to fix our flaws. Before baby, my lack of organization might mean I’d pay a bill late, but now that same flaw means I can’t find my son’s immunization record 5 minutes before we head to the pediatrician. It takes time to see how our own flaws affect our kids. That’s why I’m headed to Staples later today to buy a file cabinet. Recognizing my own flaws humbles me so that I’m a lot less annoyed at my husband’s flaws (which he is also trying to fix).

Not only am I more forgiving of flaws, I’m also a lot more aware of how we communicate with each other about the flaws and other mishaps that are the natural part of couple-hood and parenting. Since there are more opportunities to bicker, it’s become incredibly important that we handle those disagreements with tact and skill. This means taking stock of our natural communication styles. On this blog, we just launched a tremendously important quiz that helps you find out your own style. Are you a pushover, a diplomat or a director? Each communication style has its strengths and weaknesses. If both you and your mate take the quiz, then you can find out how your styles interact, for better or worse, and what to do about it. You can get started on the 10-question quiz now.

We can improve, reduce and fix some of our flaws, but there will always be those glitches that linger on for decades. How we handle and talk about those glitches can be the difference between a happily married couple and a divorced couple.

How do you and your mate talk about flaws? Are you more or less forgiving since pregnancy and/or parenthood? If you took the quiz, were the results on target?

Do You Have a Smart Marriage?

Laurie — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 22:46:01 +0000

Yesterday, I returned from an amazing three day Smart Marriages conference in Orlando. (Check out their perspective on the Number 1 Predictor of Divorce and their Relationship IQ Quiz). While I was there to speak on a panel, I also had the unique opportunity to listen to the leading researchers in the field of relationship education. I was stunned by the strength of the empirical data showing the harm of divorce and the benefit of lasting marriages.

The California Healthy Marriages Coalition collected some of the new research and organized it into pamphlets (with sourced footnotes) here. Some of the highlights are:

Girls with divorced parents are at particularly high risk for developing depressive symptoms during adolescence.
Almost 50% of households with children undergoing divorce move into poverty following the divorce.
In surveying 3,828 adolescents ages 14-16, those living with their biological father and mother were 2.4 times less likely to be sexually active than those living with their mother and her cohabitating partner, and 1.7 times less likely than those living with a never married single mother.
Juvenile incarceration rates for children of divorced parents have been found to be 12x higher than for children in two-parent families.
Men and women in unhappy marriages have higher cortisol levels after waking up and higher self-reported stress and blood pressure throughout the day than those who are generally happy with their marriage.
Higher marital relationship quality predicted long-term survival (over a 4-year period) in a study of 189 heart disease patients, independent of other known risk factors including initial severity of the diagnosis. The most seriously ill patients, if they were in satisfied, low-conflict marriages, lived significantly longer than much healthier patients in less-satisfying marriages.
When marital conflict is high and sustained, children benefit psychologically from divorce. When marital conflict is low, children suffer psychologically from divorce.

So much data, but what does it all mean? What if you are in a high conflict marriage? The answer is marriage education. Research gives us much hope that an individual can dramatically improve his or her relationship with a bit of education. Learning new communication, conflict-resolution and empathy skills are the tools you need for a smart marriage.

A longitudinal study on a well-known Marriage Education program found that, compared with couples without marriage education training, those with the training maintained high levels of relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction and lower problem intensity three years after training; they also demonstrated significantly greater communication skills and greater conflict-management skills up to 12 years after instruction.

Perhaps we didn’t learn everything we need to know in kindergarten. If you want to find out about a marriage education program in your neck of the woods, visit the Smart Marriages website here for a directory of classes. If you don’t need relationship help, then think about a friend who does, and let him or her know that marriage education is an option. Remember that marriage education is NOT therapy, it’s learning new skills that all of us need to succeed in the goal of lasting love.

Have you or has a friend been to a marriage education program? If so, what was it called and did it help? Any recommendations for the rest of us?

Things that Make Your Marriage Go Hmmm….

Laurie — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 15:31:57 +0000

When I started a Facebook fan page for my upcoming book, Fight Less, Love More (Rodale, Oct. 2010), I wasn’t sure whether I’d use it to announce book events or share advice. Turns out a third and better purpose evolved on its own. The fans themselves turned it into a forum to share their experiences with relationships. I’ve been stunned by their honesty, and some of the recent fan discussions about the ups and downs of marriage struck me as a topic that expecting couples and new parents could relate to.

I posted this status update as a question:

“Couples often have phases in their relationships, good years, and then not-so perfect years and back to more good years. If your relationship is going through a rough spell, don’t give up! Has anyone experienced the phases and survived?”

In response, Heather commented, “4 years ago we did…we actually separated for 3 months. We were in our worst financial state. very stressful. We just realized we loved each other regardless and we pulled through! We learned to better communicate our feelings from that experience! It has been uphill and going strong since!”

Dawn wrote, “There has been many stages that have unfolded in our marriage. From the loss of my son, to battles that were against our will, but apparently those battles were Gods will. Through all of them, we overcame challenges that may of been seen as a loss in ones eyes, but was only a win in our eyes…”

Marian responded with, “Yes and I was glad to see that things did get better. Have to admit, I had to do some things differently, for a different result.”

Carla wrote, “We did a couple of years ago and were separated for a little over 6 months. Thank God we worked thru it and are going thru the good times now! Thinking our love can get us thru anything now that we survived that trial period ”

Two days ago I wrote this update:

Game Show time! Name “Things that Make a Couple More Likely to Fight” 1) Broken air conditioning (I’m suffering from that right now!), 2) Lack of sleep, 3) A new baby, 4) ….. what’s your answer?

In response, Laura wrote, “Money…always money(or lack of it)..LOL”

Diane commented, “Each one’s best efforts at parenting-and the kids’ best effort to play one parent against another…”

Jill revealed, “Feeling like ur husband nvr grows up nd u r a single mom with 3 kids ugghhhh”

Amanda wrote, “I’m in school, couldn’t find a job, we had to move in w/ his parents, Anyone wanna talk about HELL? I’m in hell, my hubs doesn’t even like his mom…!?!”

Carol added, “living in his parents house and having no privacy even when you eat having someone watching you . and when you are home having to sit in your room till your husband gets home.”

Helen responded with, “Lack of sleep 4 both of us.”

What are your answers to these questions? Did you know that so many people face ups and downs in marriage? Is this what you expected on your wedding day or has the reality of “better or worse” taken you by surprise?

OMG My Air Conditioner Broke!

Laurie — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 17:19:41 +0000

I was going to write a post about how little time I spend reading the week-by-week pregnancy updates, as compared to the immense amount of time I devoted to that during my first pregnancy. I was going to write about how this second child is already getting less attention than my first, but, I can’t even write about that right now, because I am totally sidetracked by lack of AC! It was in the 90s today. It’s 85 degrees right now, and a high of 98 tomorrow.

We have AC working on the first floor, but it broke down today on the second floor where the bedrooms are. If it was only my husband and me at home, we’d live, but with Blake, my sweet little 2-year old? Poor thing! His crib is upstairs and we’ve debated all options. It’s too late to go to my parents’ house, his crib is too heavy to carry downstairs, so we put on our little fan and my husband is out running to Walmart to buy an industrial strength fan. We have an emergency AC guy coming sometime before midnight, but who knows if he can fix it? And in terms of stressful marital moments, lack of AC certainly creates one.

I guess I am back to my original topic. There is so much going on in life and so much of my energy is taken up by Blake that I just don’t have the time to devote to the wonder and excitement of my pregnancy. (Just checked the baby monitor, thank goodness Blake fell asleep!).

A while ago I wrote a post about the affect of birth order on personality. The first-born is the approval-seeker, having been lavished with attention and praise throughout childhood. The second-born tends to be a risk-taker, possibly trying to steal attention. I can already see this happening during pregnancy. My husband and I talk about this second pregnancy about one-third as much as we talked about the first one.

I guess that’s just how things go. Now if only the AC guy would show up!!!

Morning Sickness

Laurie — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 15:57:43 +0000

We moved to a new house a few weeks ago and the other day a good friend asked me how I like it here. “I don’t know. The house makes me nauseous,” I answered.

“Oh, and my car also makes me nauseous, so do the streets and my backyard.” There really was no other way to answer the question. I think I love it here, but I need to wait another few weeks before I can know for sure.

First trimester is icky. Thankfully, I haven’t thrown up (yet), but the head spinning in pretty frequent. If I think too deeply about something like my house or where to go out to dinner on Friday, I might gag. My morning sickness wasn’t this bad during my first pregnancy (and I’m hoping that a different experience of pregnancy might mean that I’m having a girl. I know, it’s delusional, but let me hope.) One more complaint to add before I change the topic – I’m also extremely tired. “How tired?” asked my father. “Well, on some days, it’s as if I woke up in the morning and took NyQuil and then tried to go about my day.”

My new neighbor told me that during her first and second trimester of pregnancy, she was puking many times a day. The hardest part was that she’s also a stay-at-home mom to her toddler. Her two-year-old would sit with her while she laid on the bathroom floor. That must have been unimaginably hard. As a working mom, I have help during most days, meaning that if I slack off on the job because of morning sickness, my son doesn’t bear the brunt of it and I don’t bear the guilt of that. I think that being a good stay-at-home mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world.

My neighbor had hoped her morning sickness would end at 13 weeks, but it went on and on for another 13 weeks. I didn’t realize that could happen.

How long did your morning sickness last? What’s the hardest part?

Little Blake, as your birthday present, you will no longer be the center of the world

Laurie — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 15:33:16 +0000

It’s a long title, but that’s the best way to say it. Yesterday we celebrated Blake’s 2nd birthday. It was fabulous. Family friends, in the backyard at our new house, pizza, BBQ, music and fun.

The best part was that Blake was lovingly surrounded by all four grandparents and his great-grandmother. What a lucky little boy!

During the party I was thinking about how next year at this time, Blake will have a sibling. I wonder how this will affect Blake’s personality. He gets so much attention right now, and he has since he was born.

One of our friends here yesterday has a seven-month old boy and she was saying how great it is that she just puts him on the floor with a ball and he’s happy playing by himself for an hour. I overheard this and ran to tell her, “Appreciate this! Do you know that not all babies do this? Blake never entertained himself with a ball for more than a few minutes.” She had no idea. ”You mean every baby doesn’t happily play with balls for hours?” she asked. ”One hundred percent, no. It’s personality that defines how much a child can play by him or herself.”

Soon my theory will be put to the test. Is it nature or nurture? When I’m caring for a newborn, what will Blake do? Learn to entertain himself or become a tantrum- crazy 2.5 year old? Perhaps there will be a few months of adjustment with more attention demands at first, and then acceptance of the new way of life.

Whatever happens, I stubbornly refuse to feel guilty about giving Blake less attention. I think it will be good for him.

So, happy birthday Blake! Next year you will no longer be the center of attention, but we will love you just as much!

Are you expecting another child? Do you worry about how your first will handle it? If you have more than one kid, how did you balance the needs of your kids? Was it harder or easier than you expected?

Do You Love or Hate Being Pregnant?

Laurie — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 14:33:17 +0000

Now that I’m out (aka made the pregnancy announcement), I’ve been asked that strange question, “Do you like being pregnant?” which is usually followed by a pressure-cooker comment like, “because I LOVED being pregnant!” Hmm, what am I supposed to answer? I’m fine being pregnant and I’m also fine when I’m not pregnant. I don’t have strong feelings about it. Heidi Klum says she loves being pregnant, so does Jessica Alba, but are they for real or just saying that because it sounds good? A woman named Kat writes a whole blog taking the opposite view – I Hate Being Pregnant.

I wonder if people love and hate pregnant for the same reasons. For instance, a foreign being has taken over your body. This can feel special and exciting, or weird, painful and alien-like. Or perhaps some people love the extra attention they get from husbands, co-workers and friends while being pregnant. Then again, a friend of mine who is very private is thrilled that she is pregnant, but she’s very put-off by the questions and attention from others. On the other hand, perhaps those who tried harder and longer to get pregnant are more apt to appreciate and love the experience of pregnancy.

My friend Robin, founder of Crib Notes, an on-line playgroup and newsletter for parents with kids under 2, is one of those lucky pregnant ladies who had very little sickness during pregnancy. She says that she loved being pregnant because of “the excitement of knowing my baby was growing inside of me and wondering what he was going to look like, be like and how my life was going to change. And of course the shallow chick side of me loved that I had a license to get bigger and have a milkshake when I felt like it. I’ve never felt as confident in a bathing suit as I did when pregnant!”

Another friend, whose name is withheld for fear of implicating family members, told me she’s been put on the spot with the do you love/hate being pregnant question.

I’ve had several people including my mom and my MIL tell me they loved being pregnant. And I questioned if it was actually true – there is a lot going on that isn’t so pleasant and genuinely difficult “to love”.

I’ve also had friends tell me they absolutely hated being pregnant which was typically tied to illness, pain, or general discomfort. I wondered when the physical and/or emotional suffering is so severe, if it completely overshadows how amazing the experience really is – which made me sad.

My position… I don’t love or hate being pregnant. But I love that I am pregnant.

What’s your position on pregnancy? Hate it? Love it?