Expat Chronicles

Peruvian Food: The Best in Latin America

Colin — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 06:25:00 +0000

Brazilian and Argentine food is excellent, and Mexican restaurants dominate the international dining scene, but Peruvian food is the best in Latin America. The gastronomical FAIL that is Colombian cuisine is the worst in Latin America. Colombian food is so bad you’d need a guided food tour from an expert like me to eat the few good Colombian meals. I don’t think food tours would sell in Peru because it’s not hard to find delicious food. No matter where you go or what your budget, you’ll be amazed.

I recently met a Colombian woman who was living in Arequipa, Peru. She was from Medellin, so she grew up with the worst regional cuisine (paisa food) in the worst country (Colombia). While her looks and accent drive Peruvian men wild, her cooking surely doesn’t. The Peruvian girls who introduced us asked about Colombian food. I never miss a chance to tell Colombians how bad their food is. The first step in problem solving is acceptance. Overcoming denial. If Colombians go on believing their food’s good, it’ll never get better. So I told the Peruvians and the paisa woman that Colombian food is nothing to write home about, but I didn’t twist the knife. I didn’t detail the superiority of Peruvian cuisine compared to the inferior Colombian as pictured below.

Peruvian food dominating Colombian

After subtly making my point the paisita said something interesting: “La comida peruana es muy condimentada.” Peruvian food is very condimented, which I took to mean lots of spices, sauces, etc. But if I were to translate that literally, I’d write it as ‘Peruvian food is very flavored.’ The proud paisa implied (correctly) that Colombian food is not very flavored, thus confirming the boring nature of Colombian food: ACPM.

So as the paisa chick said, condiments, sauces, and seasoning is part of Peru’s success, but it’s not the key difference. Peru’s culinary greatness stems from their being experimental. Some of the best meals I’ve made resulted from experiments. Tinkering. Sometimes experimenting results in disaster, but it’s necessary to invent great dishes.

The degree of experimentation in Latin America’s best (Peruvian) and worst (Colombian) is a stark contrast. Colombians’ lack of culinary creativity is perfectly illustrated in the local saying, ACPM. Arroz, papa, carne, maduro. Rice, potato, meat, banana. That’s 90% of what Colombians eat. The meat can be chicken, pork, or beef. Sometimes “potato” means french fries. And sometimes it comes with ‘salad’, loosely defined since Americans wouldn’t call it ‘salad’. It’s more like cole slaw with lemon juice instead of dressing. Or if not salad, maybe ACPM comes with the even less appetizing arepa. Sometimes the meat comes with a sauce like cream of mushroom or barbecue sauce. But usually it’s bare. A 2-3 oz bare filet with bare rice, a salted potato, and a fried plantain or banana. Sound good? If not, escape ACPM by taking a food tour in Bogota.

Below you’ll see how experimental Peruvians get in the kitchen, starting with the national dish, ceviche.

Ceviche

Peruvian ceviche with calamari and three creamy sauces

To make ceviche, marinate raw fish in lemon juice to kill the bacteria and serve raw. Who would try that? Whoever’s idea it was didn’t stop there. They thought it’d be good with sweet potato. Raw fish in lemon juice with sweet potato. But sweet and sour wasn’t enough. They created an-all out oral orgy by adding spicy to the mix, via fresh rocoto. Sour, sweet, and spicy. Add cancha for crunch. Also seaweed for … I don’t know what seaweed brings. But I eat it all.

Ceviche’s rarely served with creamy sauces and calamari as in the first pic. And if you skip the cancha, ceviche’s a super-healthy plate. Raw fish is loaded with Omega 3 fatty acids and protein. Lemon juice adds your RDI of Vitamin C. Sweet potatoes are so low on the glycemic index they’re not considered a starch. Seaweed is a common ingredient in fat burner pills. All that healthy goodness and it’s delicious!

Peruvian ceviche in Barranco, Lima

I actually have a horrible case of acid reflux disease. Acid comes up from my stomach when I sleep. Five years ago it was so bad the acid ate away the enamel on four of my teeth, which I had to have capped. A doctor gave me a list of behaviors that aggravate acid reflux, and I noted that I was very guilty of 4 out of 7: spicy food, caffeine (especially coffee), alcohol, and eating before exercise.

Eating ceviche is worse than all of those. No food’s more acidic than lemon juice. Drinking the leche de tigre (Tiger Milk, the fishy lemon juice at the bottom of the bowl) after finishing all the food is like injecting acid into my gums. But I don’t care. I ALWAYS DRINK THE LECHE DE TIGRE. Sometimes I add it to beer.

I won’t live a life without ceviche, especially in Peru. I just spent a few months in Arequipa and Lima and I ate ceviche at least once a week, often two or three times. At one point my acid reflux got so bad the nerves in my front teeth inflamed and my gums swelled up. I have to take Ranitidina pills to eat ceviche so much, but it’s worth it. It’s nothing less than oral orgasm.

Arroz con Pollo / Pato

Every country has their own version of arroz con pollo – rice with chicken. Colombia’s version isn’t bad, but it’s inferior to Peru’s. To make Peruvian arroz con pollo, you need two different types of cilantro (there are two kinds) in enough quantity to turn the rice green. Saute chicken or duck thighs (duck tastes better). Cook diced peas and carrots with the rice. Serve the rice topped with the poultry, raw red pepper and red onion. Add a ton of aji like me.

I’ve seen Peruvian arroz con pollo served with a creamy, yellow sauce. Don’t know how to make it or what it’s called. Leave a comment if you know.

Ají de Gallina

Ají de Gallina in Barranco, Lima

Another perfect example of experimental cooking is seen in ají de gallina, a creamy chicken sauce served with rice. The sauce is made with evaporated milk, mild yellow peppers, Parmesan cheese, garlic, onion, and crushed pecans. PECANS!

Cook shredded chicken breast into the sauce. When thoroughly cooked, top the sauce with a boiled potato, hard boiled eggs, and black olives. Serve with rice.

Let’s do an ingredient roll call:

Evaporated milk
Yellow ají
Parmesan cheese
Garlic and onion
Pecans
Chicken
Potato
Boiled eggs
Black olives

Who would think to mix those? Boring Colombian chefs bow down!

Seco de Cordero

Seco de cordero receives little mention when people drool over Peruvian food. But it’s one of the best.

Sauteed lamb meat in another experimental sauce. Mix in a blender water, spinach, cilantro, yellow ají, a little onion and garlic. Seems strange, tastes great. Add peas and a boiled potato after making the sauce.

Seco de res is the same dish with beef in place of lamb.

Lomo Saltado

A $1.50 Lomo Saltado

Homemade Lomo Saltado, no rice

My lomo saltado with strawberries & cream and wine

Everybody raves for Lomo Saltado.

Fry potato strips (french fries). Then saute strips of steak with soy sauce, diced tomato and onion. Use enough oil and soy sauce for there to be a good amount of juice at the bottom. When cooked, throw the fries in and toss it all so the juice mixes with everything. Top with fresh cilantro and serve with rice.

The two shots on the right were cooked by me. In my opinion lomo saltado doesn’t need rice because it already has a good amount of starch in the potatoes. I’m not as anti-rice as when I wrote My Rice Rant, but I still cut it whenever possible. You can always cut it from Lomo Saltado. The pic on the right is a dinner I cooked for my Peruvian darling: Lomo Saltado sin arroz with Argentine Cabernet and Strawberries & Cream for dessert. Damn I’m good.

Chicharrón de Cerdo

Chicharrón de cerdo

In Colombia, chicharrón means pork rind, but not like the salty snacks in the States. Colombian pork rinds are deep fried pig skin. Cuts can range from pure grease and fat to very lean and red. Most are pretty greasy with a skin so hard it could break a tooth. One of Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s stories features a character who chipped a tooth eating chicharrón.

Deep-fried pork

In Peru, chicharrón simply means deep-fried. So they have chicharron de pollo (deep-fried chicken), chicharron de cerdo (deep-fried pork), and even chicharron de camaron (deep-fried shrimp). I didn’t eat pork or shellfish for over three years to avoid heathen food. I resumed eating pork when I moved to Colombia because bandeja paisa, the national dish and one of my top 4 Colombian dishes, features three (four if it comes with morcilla) pork foods: a chicharrón pork rind, chorizo, and beans cooked in pork fat. I took pork back, but shellfish only rarely, and I’ll never eat truly heathen shit like dogs or snakes.

I never had Peruvian chicharrón until I went back. It’s delicious. Heathen eating at its finest. Generous with the ají. Served with lightly fried potatoes, onion, and mint leaves with lemon juice.

There’s no reason Colombians can’t serve this. There’s nothing difficult about it. Colombians already eat a lot of pork and a lot of deep-fried food. Why don’t they deep fry pork? Maybe it’s too tasty for the Colombian palate.

Here’s a shot of chicharrón de camaron, deep-fried shrimp. It’s fried so hard that people eat the shell. They can chew and digest the entire shrimp. Crunchy seafood, the swine of the sea.

Chicharrón de Camaron, fried shrimp

Estofado de Res

Estofado de Res

Stewed beef

Estofado de res is another lesser-known Peruvian dish, but a good one. It’s usually cheap too. Thin-cut steak strips stewed in carrots, peas, onion, tomato, and bay leaves. It’s tangy.

Causa

Bad ass homemade causa

Causa de pollo

Causa is an inventive wonder. It’s a mashed potato cake with chicken salad filling and avocado. If chicken salad sandwich with avocado sounds good, it’s even better with mashed potato instead of bread. It’s filling.

The mashed potato has lemon juice so there’s a hint of sour.

Causa’s not only made with chicken. It often has tuna salad inside. Those are the two main variants, but there are several others. It’s sometimes served as an appetizer in small portions. In addition to chicken and tuna, they make lobster causa, octopus causa, shrimp causa. Some are purple, some are green. They serve it with elaborate creamy sauces. To see some wild causa designs, Google Image search “causa.” Food porn #foodporn.

Causa is distinctly Limeña, like Ajiaco to Bogota. The best causas are found at Lima seafood restaurants. You can usually find a sampler appetizer with three or four variants mentioned above. My favorite is plain old chicken causa with a ton of ají.

Malaya Dorada

Malaya Dorada

Beef ribs. Boil the ribs with carrots, celery, and ají peppers.

Served with rice, baked potato, and Russian salad. They call it Russian salad, but what they serve doesn’t look like what Google says Russian salad is. What they serve is mostly beets and a sweet, creamy dressing.

A major Colombian breakfast is Caldo de Costilla, beef rib soup. I eat at least one every week. It’s very simple: beef rib, potato, and cilantro. It’s good if you go to a place that serves a generous beef rib. Many caldos are stingy. Then beef rib soup sucks.

Locro de Pecho

Locro de Pecho

Another wild one. Pecho is the chest of a cow, or brisket. It’s boiled until soft and mixed in with a mess of mashed potato and spicy ají peppers. Very filling.

There are many variations of this, many of which are soups. This style of Locro de Pecho dominates Arequipa.

Alpaca Steak

Alpaca steak in mushroom sauce

Alpacas are similar to llamas, common in Peru. Alpacas’ meat makes great steaks. It’s leaner than beef with a similar flavor.

Alpacas also yield the softest fleece I’ve ever touched. I bought a baby alpaca sweater and blanket. After getting used to that blanket, it’s hard to go back to any other fabric. Arequipa’s a major producer of alpaca fleece clothes and blankets.

Arequipa Cuisine

Arequipa is unique in that it’s a small city of 1 million, but it’s produced enough dishes that it has a bona fide regional cuisine. Arequipa restaurants are called picanterías. This would be the equivalent of Colombia having a Bucaramanga cuisine and Bucaramanga restaurants. I’ll give Bucaramanga props for hormigas but it’s no Arequipa, which has contributed more than its fair share to Peruvian cuisine.

Before moving to South America, I was looking for work anywhere. Mexico, Argentina, Brazil, Colombia, Peru, anywhere. I’m only realizing now how lucky I got in landing a job in Arequipa.

Arequipa Soups

I always shake my head in disbelief when Colombians are proud of their soups. Ajiaco is by far the best Colombian soup. Caldo de costilla, mondongo, and sancocho are OK but not worth bragging about. But the vast majority of Colombian soups – those that come with lunch – aren’t worth eating. I often tell waitresses not to bring it. Just keep it if it’s rice soup, pasta soup, plantain soup, or cream of mushroom. It’ll just go to waste if you put it on my table.

No bullshit, they have pasta soup.

It’s also weird to see pride for Colombian soups because I lived in Arequipa where they have over a dozen soups that are amazing and inventive. I don’t know the ingredients, but just see the pics. They all have more ingredients, more flavor, and usually more meat.

Shrimp Chowder (expensive)

Chupe de Camaron (cheap)

Chochoco

Chaque

Chupe Criollo

There are more soups, but I never knew when I’d see a new one. I don’t carry my camera every day so I’m missing most of them.

Adobo

Arequipa specialty soup, Adobo

Adobo, pork chop soup

Sunday soup: Adobo & bread

Adobo is an Arequipa soup, but it’s different from those above because it’s a standalone meal. It’s also a Sunday ritual. You can only find Adobo on Sundays, but you find it everywhere. You can’t walk far on a Sunday in Arequipa without passing a sign advertising pork chop soup.

The pork chop is simmered with onions. It’s rich and tangy. If you like to throw down on swine, you’ll LOVE Peruvian chicharrón and Arequipeño adobo.

Cuy Chactao

Cuy chactao, guinea pig

Colombia has chiguiro (which is delicious), Peru has guinea pig (which is disgusting). Cuy chactao is known as a national dish, but it started in Arequipa.

Many people love cuy. I was on my holy diet when I lived in Peru so I never ordered this heathen fare. But I ate some once just to try it. It was the foulest smelling meat I’ve ever encountered. It tasted like a filthy pork. The biggest complaint people have about guinea pig is how much work it is. There ain’t much meat on these little fellas, and they have a ton of bones to get past. They’re so small they don’t filet them. They just cut them in half down the chest and belly, and deep fry them whole.

I once saw a small guinea pig farm and realized they’re the easiest beast of burden on the planet. They don’t even build cages for them because they don’t run. They don’t go anywhere. They just sit in the grass waiting to get slit in half.

Rocoto Relleno

Rocoto Relleno w/ Pastel de Papa & Chicha de Jora

Rocoto Relleno

Rocoto Relleno & Pastel de Papa

The top dog in Arequipa, the most revered plate, the source of Arequipeño pride, is Rocoto Relleno.

Rocoto is the spicy pepper in Peruvian cuisine. It’s the shape, color, and size of a red pepper. It’s de-seeded and de-stemmed, then stuffed with ground beef, cheese, peas, and black olives, then baked. The cheese oozes out from the top. I’m not much of a stuffed peppers guy, but rocoto relleno is damn good.

It’s served with pastel de papa, or potato cake. Layers of thin sliced potato baked with cheese and eggs. If they skimp on the cheese and eggs, it’s too dry for me. But when they’re generous with cheese and eggs, pastel de papa is the perfect compliment.

Soltero de Queso

Soltero de Queso

I almost never order vegetarian meals, but it does happen. Soltero de queso would be considered a salad in the States. It’s a good one and it inspired the style of salads I make here in Colombia year round. Dice up all the vegetables I can find, add olive oil and vinegar.

Soltero de queso doesn’t use all the vegetables however. It has queso campesino, butter beans, tomato, onion, corn, rocoto, parsley. Served with potato. If trying to burn fat, nix the potato and corn.

Queso Helado

Queso Helado - Cheese Ice Cream

Interesting dessert from Arequipa. It’s made from evaporated milk, condensed milk, vanilla extract, and sugar. Cinnamon is added on top. It’s good but I prefer real ice cream.

Americanos, Dobles, Triples

The American

Arequipa picanterías offer Americans, doubles, and triples. These are combination plates of Arequipa’s specialties. I don’t know the difference between the three, but I know Americanos are the biggest. This one has rocoto relleno, pastel de papa, estofado de res, and chicharrón de cerdo. Plus lentils and chicken spaghetti, but those don’t come standard. That’s just what this particular restaurant had extra to pile on the plate.

All these combo plates should be served with CHICHA DE JORA to be real Arequipeño.

Chicha de Jora

Chicha de Jora

Chicha de jora is a fermented beverage made from corn. It’s lightly carbonated and slightly alcoholic. They make it in huge orange clay pots. These pots are typical decoration for Arequipa picanterías.

Some chicha de jora formulas make a sour tasting drink. These ones can be trifling. Like drinking dishwater. I love chicha de jora when it’s colored like in the picture. The sour ones are lighter and cloudier, almost resembling dishwater.

At weekend lunches you’ll see people mixing chicha de jora with dark beer, Cusqueña Negra. It mixes well.

I’ve heard about a restaurant in Bogota’s La Candelaria, in the Chorro de Quevedo, that serves chicha de jora.

Kola Escocesa

Kola Escocesa

Not many cities of 1 million have a regional soda, as Arequipa has Kola Escocesa. It hasn’t grown out of the region because it’s not great. It tastes like a cross between Dr. Pepper and Black Cherry soda. Like a sweet cough syrup. Not great but not bad.

I don’t have shots of Papa Ocopa because I can’t imagine anyone ordering a boiled potato in a creamy sauce and calling it lunch. But that’s another Arequipa dish.

Other Drinks from Peru

Inca Kola

Peru’s most famous drink is probably Inca Kola. It’s the color of plutonium and tastes like bubble gum. I love it. The brand was bought out by Coca Cola. Read the interesting history of this soda on En Peru.

Chicha Morada

If any drink is more famous than Inca Kola, it’d be Chicha Morada (purple chicha). Similar to Chicha de Jora in that it’s made from corn, Chicha Morada is sweeter. It contains no alcohol or carbonation. I made it once. You boil the purple corn on the cob until the water turns dark purple. Then add diced apples and boil until they’re cooked. Add sugar if you like. It’s not the same, but it is drinkable without sugar. For some reason I find this stuff great when hung over.

This article still doesn’t do Peruvian food justice. I’m STILL missing some good plates like Locro de Zapallo, Caigua Rellena, and over half of the Arequipa soups. If you have pics, send them in and I’ll put them in.

The richest areas of Bogota are littered with Peruvian restaurants. There’s a district of them on Carrera 15 just south of Calle 100. Just when I thought there wasn’t room in the market for any more Peruvian restaurants, I heard of a new one near 76. Now we just need some priced in the 10,000 – 20,000 range!

Peruvian Food: The Best in Latin America

Santa Catalina Monastery in Arequipa, Peru

Colin — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 17:16:35 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Santa Catalina, a top tourist destination in Arequipa, was a monastery built in the 16th century and operated well into the 19th century. It takes up two square blocks of downtown Arequipa. Inside is a small town closed off to the outside world. It’s a concrete maze of hallways leading to living quarters, dining rooms, kitchens, and gardens.

The convent’s stated mission was to liberate souls stranded in purgatory, where nuns pledged to a life of simplicity in hopes to reach the highest spiritual level. However, Santa Catalina became quite a party house. Women had servants, drank wine, were entertained with music, and rumors allege that male studs were occasionally brought in. In the eighteenth century its reputation got so bad the Pope ordered a house cleaning at Santa Catalina.

See Santa Catalina’s website.

For easier picture viewing see the Santa Catalina album on the Expat Chronicles FB page.

Santa Catalina Monastery in Arequipa, Peru

Pictures of Arequipa, Peru

Colin — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 16:14:21 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Pictures of Plaza de Armas, Plaza España, el centro (downtown), Sachaca, Yanahuara, and Cerro Colorado in Arequipa, Peru.

For easier viewing see the Arequipa, Peru album on Expat Chronicles FB page.

Pictures of Arequipa, Peru

Two Gringo Killers of Peruvian Women

Colin — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 03:40:43 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Alternate Title: Joran van Der Sloot and William Trickett Smith II

Alternate Title: Gringo Treatment in Latin American Prisons

Joran van der Sloot

Joran van der Sloot, Peruana killer #1, in 2005

Joran van der Sloot grew up in Arruba a Dutch citizen and the son of a prominent lawyer. He played soccer and tennis at his private, English-language high school. His parents have said he was a manipulative liar as a child. Despite academic and athletic success, he grew a taste for casinos and partying on the Caribbean island.

At only 17 years old, Van der Sloot’s life would change after meeting Natalee Holloway, an American high school graduate from Alabama. They met in a nightclub and he took her to a local beach. She disappeared. They were seen leaving together so he was immediately a person of interest. His story changed several times. The investigation was botched.

Holloway was a beautiful Southern girl from a wealthy family, an honors student who’d won a full ride to the University of Alabama. Her disappearance was a compelling news story and Van der Sloot gained international infamy as the spoiled Dutch brat who got away with killing the lovely Southern belle. Van der Sloot’s Dutch interviews set television records in the Netherlands and American networks did in-depth specials. Despite the international media attention, because of poor law enforcement, his father’s coaching and his own shrewd maneuvering, Van der Sloot was never charged.

Another Dutchman from Arruba, Patrick van der Eem, befriended Van der Sloot and solicited a video confession. Van der Eem’s depicted as a “concerned citizen” and patriot by the media (especially ABC News). I applaud the great video he got, but I can see through the patriot shit. This guy’s a stone cold hustler, involved in cocaine and illegal endeavors and criminal types. I know the type well, and he reeks of it. He targeted Van der Sloot and worked him, earning €25,000 for the video. Here’s Van der Sloot telling him what happened to Holloway:

Van der Sloot claimed he was lying to someone he thought was a drug dealer. The video was deemed insufficient to bring charges. I believe what he explains to Van der Eem is exactly what happened that night (see a longer version with more of the incriminating conversation, plus Van der Sloot hitting the joint as he tells the story).

The question remains: Why would he dump her body in the ocean just because she went into convulsions? Why take such a risk when he could just call an ambulance? My guess: he drugged her in the nightclub. She went into convulsions because he’d been putting date rape drugs in her drinks. A relatively clean Southern girl, she had no tolerance and overdosed. He knew medical tests would find whatever he gave her and he’d be held responsible. So he dumped her body before even confirming she was dead.

After dodging charges, Van der Sloot moved to the Netherlands to attend university. He soon quit to attend university in Bangkok, Thailand, the sex tourism capital of the world. Just as soon as he arrived he quit school again. He went independent. Given that he bought a pizza joint just off campus, I assume his parents were financing him. He also made money playing online poker, aspiring to become a professional poker player.

In addition to pizza and poker Van der Sloot posed as a model scout for Thai women, reportedly earning $13,000 for every girl he could sell into the Dutch sex industry. Thai authorities are investigating his involvement in trafficking underage girls.

If you’re not amazed at the audacity of a kid who barely avoids a murder charge immediately going to sell Thai girls into prostitution, you’ll surely be surprised at what he did next. To get revenge against the Holloway family for what he perceived as their persecution against him, Van der Sloot offered them the details of her death for $250,000. The family lawyer documented a payment of $10,000. Van der Sloot was indicted in the US for wire fraud and extortion.

Joran van der Sloot in Peru

Before being indicted or suspecting anything, Van der Sloot flew to Lima, Peru for the Latin American Poker Tour. Partying in Miraflores on the Holloway’s money, Van der Sloot met Stephany Tatiana Flores Ramirez. She was found beaten and strangled to death in his hotel room.

By the time hotel staff found Flores’ body, Van der Sloot had slipped the border into Chile (read my Border Incident from the same Tacna-Arica crossing). As opposed to Hollaway’s, Flores’ death was an open-and-shut case. The room was registered in Van der Sloot’s name. Hotel cameras show the two of them going into his room at night, and in the morning Van der Sloot leaving alone without checking out or leaving his room key. His bloody baseball bat and tennis racket were in the room. Her car was found dumped across town, missing credit cards and cash.

Flores’ body was found on June 2. Chilean police arrested Van der Sloot on June 3. That’s light speed in Latin America (and anywhere for someone trying to evade authorities), illustrating the degree of his fame and the effort of Interpol.

Van der Sloot was immediately shipped to Lima in bulletproof vest among a media circus. He confessed, explaining he killed Flores when she found details of the Holloway case on his computer and confronted him. He beat her and choked her, ultimately killing her in a fit of rage.

In short time Joran van der Sloot aged twenty years.

Van der Sloot retracted his confession, but it was futile. They had his laptop. The web activity from the evening she was killed corroborated his confession. They had his clothes with her blood. They had the hotel videos.

Van der Sloot received financial aid from his mother (his father died of a heart attack just prior to the Flores murder) and a silly Florida woman enamored with him. He put up a legal battle. However, Van der Sloot again caused the death of a girl with connections. Flores’ father is an well-known Lima businessman; he ran for vice president and president (with no chance of winning). He’s been using his influence to publicize the case and ensure Van der Sloot doesn’t walk.

Last week Joran van der Sloot plead guilty and was sentenced to 28 years in prison. His sentence was reduced by two years for his confession.

(More on Van der Sloot below under Gringo Treatment in Latin American Prisons)

William Trickett Smith II

William Trickett Smith II, Peruana killer #2

William Trickett Smith II AKA “The Suitcase Killer” made Peruvian headlines when the chopped-up body of his Peruvian wife was found in a suitcase just off the coast of Barranco.

Unlike Joran Van der Sloot, William Trickett Smith II is a complete moron. I attribute Van der Sloot’s trafficking Thai women or extorting the Holloway family after evading charges to his being psychotic. Nobody can deny Van der Sloot is intelligent. To get away with that crime, with all the international attention and pressure, took smarts and endurance. Smith, when considering his crime was premeditated and planned, is amazingly stupid.

Note: Smith’s story didn’t receive the attention Van der Sloot’s did. Given the undeveloped news archives of Peruvian media, the lack of press coverage in American media, and the sketchy nature of the sources for the Wikipedia article, the published facts are few and inconsistent. This is an aggregation of what’s consistent across the board.

William Trickett Smith met Jana Claudia Gomez Menendez on the internet. They married some five months later. Major red flag! Five months is very quick to marry someone you met on the internet. Smith was a young, normal-looking young guy from rural Pennsylvania. He looks normal, but for a young guy to get married like that is not normal. He has a screw loose. Gomez, from Trujillo, is gorgeous. For a beautiful girl to marry only five months after meeting online, it can be assumed she was looking to marry a gringo (this USA Today article refers to her as an “Internet bride”).

The couple married in March 2007. Smith still lived in Pennsylvania, returning for only short trips. In July 2007 Gomez left home to meet her husband in Lima. She never returned. Her family contacted Smith. He told them he hadn’t been in Peru. They reported her missing. Smith flew to Peru to appear concerned.

Peruvian police may have already been building a case against Smith when a historic earthquake rocked the region a month later in August 2007. The day after the earthquake a blue suitcase was found on the coast in Barranco. Inside were the dismembered, partially decomposed remains of Gomez. She was identified by a butterfly tattoo on her neck, inspiring the names “La Enigma de la Mariposa” (The Butterfly Mystery) and “El Asesino de la Maleta” (The Suitcase Killer).

A week later William Trickett Smith II was arrested in Pennsylvania for violating his parole. I did a double-take at this. He’d made eleven trips to Peru while on parole. I was on supervised probation for five years. I wasn’t allowed to travel more than one county away from St. Louis (about two hours by car) without permission from my probation officer. Smith went to Peru eleven times without permission.

Smith was on parole for charges of selling cocaine and escaping police.

In searching his family’s house, US authorities found a mountain of evidence including clothes Gomez wore when she left Trujillo, her ID, and his computer with emails detailing his plans. He’d been asking Peruvian friends how to purchase drugs that put people to sleep, how to rent a boat anonymously, how to rent a boat at night, etc. He had her ID! He asked around how to rent a boat anonymously at night!

After reading these emails Peruvian police contacted Monica Cecilia Muñoz Pereda, a Lima girl Smith met online and had an “intimate relationship” with in the months after marrying Gomez. Muñoz told the events of a night when Smith met her in Lima and asked her to go on a boat ride. Smith carried a large blue suitcase, which he said contained work documents. Fifteen minutes into the hired fisherman taking them out to sea, Smith threw the suitcase overboard. He explained it’s an American tradition when finishing an old business to throw all the related documents and clothes into the ocean. He dumped the body in front of two witnesses!

Note: Muñoz and the boat driver were investigated. A grand jury cleared both, Muñoz by majority and the boat driver unanimously.

Already in custody, Smith went back to Pennsylvania state prison for violating his parole. In the meantime Peruvian authorities built their case and requested his extradition. He spent three years locked up in Pennsylvania before being extradited to Peru in August 2010.

William Trickett Smith II returns to Peru as "The Suitcase Killer."

Smith was sent to the same section of the same prison as Joran van der Sloot, just a couple months after Van der Sloot arrived. Last year Smith plead guilty and was sentenced to the maximum 35 years.

Incomprehensible idiocy

William Trickett Smith II planned this murder. For somebody who’d been involved in crime for years – he’d already done state time on drug charges – it’s unbelievable.

He traveled internationally eleven times while on parole. He married a girl just months after meeting her online. After realizing the mistake he made, whether he was embarrassed or enraged, he decided the best way out was to kill her.

Smith emailed Peruvians with questions explicitly related to his plan, leaving behind an e-paper trail and a slew of witnesses. He killed her when her family knew she was with him. His passport stamps and scanned passport ba code would confirm that he was in Peru at the time of her disappearance. He dumped her body in front of two witnesses. He flew back to the States, again stamping his passport on both ends, and told the family he was never in Peru. He kept her clothes and ID.

If this weren’t enough, Smith put her body in a suitcase where it would take years to decompose. Van der Sloot got away with the Holloway death largely because her body was never found. His island friend went far enough out in the sea before dumping her it’d be impossible to find her. The fish and salt water reduced her to nothing precisely because she wasn’t in a suitcase. Smith attached weights to the suitcase so it wouldn’t come up. It was dislodged with the earthquake, which was a tough break for his plan. But did he really think she’d remain un-found forever in a suitcase? This kid’s from the States. He’s seen CSI. Enough of Gomez’s body was still intact after over a month that she was identified by a tattoo. In that amount of time Holloway’s body was surely gone.

I can see why he needed the girl to help rent the boat – he didn’t speak Spanish. Still, instead of leaving two witnesses to your disposing of the body, you assume he’d think of a different plan. OR NOT KILL HER!

Reading between the lines

Pennsylvania authorities questioned how Smith traveled to Peru eleven times in such short time. For where he lived in upstate Pennsylvania, it would cost AT LEAST $11,000. Given his prior charges in the States, I’d bet the house he was hauling cocaine from Peru to Pennsylvania. The degree of stupidity in his plan is indicative of someone who’s awake for days snorting coke. His brain wasn’t resting. His perception of reality was diluted. Or maybe he was just born stupid. But then how did he finance all those trips?

Notable: The Suitcase Killer story in all its details broke in the second half of 2007. I moved to Peru in April 2008, and I’d never heard of Smith until I started researching the Van der Sloot story when he plead last week. I lived in Peru for a year and nobody gave me shit or even mentioned the gringo killer from The Butterfly Mystery just a year prior.

Also notable: William Trickett Smith’s II’s father, William Trickett Smith I, is a former Republican party leader marred by corruption.

Gringo Treatment in Latin American Prisons

The father of Stephany Flores is publicizing the favorable conditions her daughter’s killer enjoys in prison as a gringo with money. This video shows images of Van der Sloot’s 42” LCD television, Blu-Ray 3D DVD player, and iPhone with internet. It also shows his poxy Spanish, which he has plenty of time to improve.

This video’s also a good example of sensationalism in Latin media. The tone, sound effects, and content make Fox News look like the BBC.

Interest in prison conditions for Van der Sloot was sparked when this photo surfaced. An unidentified inmate poses with high profile foreign killers (from left) William Trickett Smith II, unidentified, Colombian sicario Hugo Trujillo Ospina (who killed an established Lima businesswoman), and Joran van der Sloot. They seem to be having a good time.

Van der Sloot was filmed buying marijuana inside the prison (the video’s not published online). He asks for a 5 soles bag. That’s less than $2, just over 3000 Colombian pesos. That’s the smallest bag you can buy on the street in Bogota. You really can’t spend less than 3000 pesos, and he’s getting that price in prison.

You have to understand how prison works in Latin America. Brazilian film Carandiru illustrates how once inside, prison isn’t run by the guards but the inmates. For an extreme example in Hugo Chavez’s gutted Venezuela, see this NY Times video of Margarita Island prison (embedding disabled). They have dancehalls, cock fighting, pools for kids, good food, drugs, whores and conjugal visits, advanced weaponry, and more. A Brit mixed into general population: “This is the best jail in the world.”

That’s how The Mick describes life in La Modelo in the 1980s. He says inside prison was the only time he never ran out of marijuana. There were always drugs, and whores were regularly brought in.

On the other hand I have a correspondence with Christopher K, who’s locked up in a Brazilian prison reserved for foreigners. I asked him to contribute a story but he said not much happens. Not even fights. Everybody was a tourist who got in trouble. They hail from North America, South America, Europe, and Africa. Everywhere but Brazil. Everybody gets free Portuguese classes (see Christopher K stories).

Currently these guys are separated from general populations with documented privileges. I don’t know what will happen later. Van der Sloot’s been sentenced to Piedras Gordas high-security penitentiary. But will he be put in general population? Maybe the Colombian would be OK, but I assume both Joran van der Sloot and William Trickett Smith II wouldn’t last a month in general population before they’re killed. Will they be separated for 30 years though? Is there a section for foreigners? Surely they’ll keep their luxuries.

Peruvian law says that with work or study, all these killers can be let free after half their time served. If they maximize their work/study credit, both Van der Sloot and Smith could be released while still in their forties.

Two Gringo Killers of Peruvian Women

Pictures of Barranco in Lima, Peru

Colin — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 02:10:45 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Pictures of the artsy, bohemian neighborhood just South of Miraflores in Lima, Peru. Included are Bajada de Baños, San Francisco plaza, El Ermito church, Puente de Suspiros, murals, the coastline, residential areas, parks, etc.

For easier viewing see the Barranco, Lima album on the Expat Chronicles FB page. See 2009 murals from Barranco, my 2009 tourism pics from Barranco, or read about my 2009 adventures in Lima.

Pictures of Barranco in Lima, Peru

Pictures of Miraflores in Lima, Peru

Colin — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 03:09:40 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Pictures of the most happenin’ and upscale neighborhood, the heart of Lima, Peru – Miraflores. Included are Kennedy Park, Avenida Larco, Larcomar, the coastline, residential areas, parks, etc.

For easier viewing see the Miraflores, Lima album on the Expat Chronicles FB page. Or read about my 2009 adventures in Lima.

Pictures of Miraflores in Lima, Peru

An American Prison Rape

Colin — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 19:11:41 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Last May in St. Louis I saw my high school buddy Mike for the first time since he’d been locked up four years ago. We got in trouble back then. I went my separate way for university, but he continued in a life of crime. He was caught moving over 100 pounds of marijuana from Arizona to St. Louis. He did his time in a Southern prison.

At our friend’s wedding he told me some stories. I told him about this blog and that I’d like to publish them. Our plan was to publish each of the six fights he got in. On the day we met, he started with the stories and I took notes, asking questions along the way. After two stories he got bored and said fights aren’t the most interesting aspects of prison.

“What are?” I asked. How drugs are smuggled in. The gangs and politics. The sex – sex between inmates, sex between inmates and guards (female or gay), the rapes.

“Rapes?” I asked. He said he saw one guy get raped. When I heard the story I realized it was more compelling than his fights. It had implications in race, prison politics, and street smarts. So instead of Mike’s 6 fights (4-1-1 according to him), here’s the story of a peckerwood getting raped.

“Peckerwood” is a derogatory term black guys call white guys. Aryan race gangs have adopted the term as a rite of passage. Mike saw “PECKERWOOD” tattoos across the backs of different white guys, not just Aryans but bikers, Irish Mob, and other gangs. He never found out exactly what it meant, but he knew the tattoo had to be earned, most likely for some violent act against a black inmate.

Peckerwood showed up to prison with the PECKERWOOD tattoo across his back. However, he’d never even been to prison. That was his first mistake: getting an Aryan prison gang tattoo when you’ve never been to prison. This caused a scandal, especially with the Aryans who run the prison and award the tattoo.

Mike heard through the grapevine that the Aryans pulled Peckerwood aside for a talk about his tattoo. Mike is 100% positive they gave him a chance to earn it. He didn’t know what they asked him to do, but he’s sure they gave Peckerwood a chance to earn his PECKERWOOD tattoo.

A week went by and Peckerwood hadn’t done as he was told. That was his second mistake. The Aryans got a hold of him one night and burned the PECKERWOOD tattoo off his back with a blowtorch. I didn’t know tattoos could be burned off. Apparently they can.

The next day Peckerwood requested segregation housing. I’ve never been to prison but I’ve heard you do NOT request segregation housing. It’s the equivalent of going to the guards and saying, “I’m a bitch. I can’t protect myself.” They put you in solitary confinement where you don’t interact with other inmates. It’s almost exclusively reserved for snitches.

Peckerwood was locked up for a minor drug charge; he’d have been out in just eight months. However, that deal’s not available for segregation housing. If he wanted protection, he’d be locked up for two years. After a day or two in segregation he requested to be put back in general population. That was his third mistake.

In states like Texas and California, I’ve heard you have to join a race gang the day you go in. Even though I get along well with blacks and Mexicans, there’s no mixing. I’d have to stick to my color. This prison wasn’t that extreme. There are independent crews of 5 – 10 guys down to defend each other, not just race gangs. Peckerwood’s only options weren’t the Aryans, bikers, or Irish Mob. Small groups of normal guys stick together too. My friend Mike was the leader of such a crew. Around the time Peckerwood left segregation housing, an Aryan leader approached Mike and told him nobody was to take Peckerwood in. They put the word out with all the crews. The Aryans dictated that Peckerwood would finish his time alone.

Anybody going back into general population after segregation housing would be labeled a bitch. Every bully and tough guy in the place would fuck with him. Mike says Peckerwood still could’ve finished his time without the situation getting worse. He would’ve been slapped around, tripped, had his food stolen, etc.

But then Peckerwood made his fourth mistake. Despite being shunned by all the white crews, he thought he could salvage a decent time and make friends. He started hanging out with the Crips, the infamous black gang. He sat with them at meals. They shared cigarettes and snacks.

This went on for a few weeks until one day Mike was going into the bathrooms. Mike was a Crip himself as a teen, so he was friendly with some of them. One Crip he knew was watching the entrance to the bathroom and greeted him, “Wassup, cuzz?” Thinking nothing of it, Mike greeted him back. As he went further into the bathroom the guy at the door asked, “You see anything tonight?” At that moment Mike saw Peckerwood bent over a toilet grunting, while a Homo Crip was fucking him.

Mike says Homo Crip had another punk. After Homo Crip fucked Peckerwood, he had his other punk fuck him. Peckerwood got fucked by two black guys consecutively. Talk about hard time!

The Crips threw a party for Peckerwood afterwards. Everybody got together for cigarettes, snacks, and drugs. He was brought into the family. He didn’t get fucked by everybody in the gang, only Homo Crip. But Homo Crip fucked him his whole time in prison. Mike added Peckerwood’s the type of guy to complete his parole with flying colors.

I read this story to The Mick, a prison veteran of three different countries. He said Peckerwood probably began to like it. That’s what happens.

My War on Drugs Rant

Colin — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 04:04:26 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Narcoterrorism threatened the Colombian government in the 1990s. Now there’s increasing talk of Mexico becoming a failed state. These state enemies are so powerful because of profits from illegal drugs.

In America’s defense, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton admitted the US bears some blame. I’d go further in saying US and European policies bear most blame for Colombian, Mexican, Central American, and increasingly Venezuelan governments falling victim to cocaine cartels. Cartels are so powerful because cocaine profits are astronomical, precisely because of US and European prohibition of drugs.

A gram of cocaine in St. Louis costs $60 IF you know people in the business. If you don’t know anyone you’ll pay $80. In Bogota, I pay $5. By these numbers we can assume the price increases by a factor of ten.

Most businesses, depending on the product, mark up 20%. Domestic drug dealers turn their money over twice or more. I’ve spoken with drug dealers about investing in my legal businesses. They laugh when I promise 10% in 6 months, which is a good return for legal endeavors. But if you’re used to illegal profits, 10% is nothing.

I’ve been offered to mule cocaine to Miami or Spain. Since I’m a bigger guy, I could carry over a kilo. I’ve been offered $8000 plus the flight. That only adds $10 to the price per gram, and international traffickers’ costs are much lower than the $5 charged in the Colombian streets. So what explains the $50 – 100 prices seen in the streets of St. Louis?

Once the mule gets the dope into the US, somebody needs to pick it up. They sell it to local wholesalers, who sell it to street-level drug dealers. Each of these workers at every step in the supply chain faces stiff prison sentences according to US law. Here’s a chart of mandatory minimum sentences:

28 g crack or 500 g powder cocaine – 5 years
280 g crack or 5,000 g powder cocaine – 10 years

These figures were recently adjusted after the Fair Sentencing Act, in which the disparity in quantity of crack vs. powder resulted in blacks receiving higher sentences because they’re more likely to deal in crack, was signed into law in 2010 by Barack Obama.

Still, 28 g of crack or 500 g of powder is not much. It’s a lot if you’re not in the industry. But if you do and you aspire to grow, a half a kilo is easily attainable. Getting caught with that means 5 years in prison. If you get to the point where you’re only selling 1/4, 1/2, or whole kilos, you’d easily have 5 kilos on hand, which would get you a 10 year mandatory minimum.

For this business to be worth the risk, sellers need to earn a lot of money.

According to Michael Reid‘s Forgotten Continent:

[A]n economist at the University of Maryland, has pointed out, prices at each stage in the long chain that turns a coca leaf on an Andean hillside into a gram of cocaine on the streets of the Bronx or the City of London are determined mainly by the need to reward risk-taking, rather than the cost of production. That is why the price of a kilo of pure cocaine (measured in relation to its equivalent in coca leaf) rises by a factor of roughly 200 times between the coca farm and the street. Most of the increase occurs once cocaine has entered the United States or Europe – because law enforcement is tighter and risk is thus higher. So even if repression in the producer countries succeeds in increasing leaf prices, this has little effect on cocaine prices.

The high profits are solely due to criminal risk faced in developed countries. If cartels can establish operations inside those countries (which they do), they get even more of those profits. That’s how they can acquire immense wealth to corrupt police and law enforcement officials, as well as challenge their national governments.

Mexico, Colombia, Peru, and increasingly Central America and Venezuela bear the brunt of America’s and Europe’s stiff drug policy.

Everybody Gets High

The vast majority of people get high. A tiny minority don’t drink or indulge in any conscious-altering substance like cigarettes or coffee. But most who don’t consider themselves “drug users” get high on legal drugs like alcohol, Percoset, Vicodin, Ambien, Oxycontin, Valium, Tramadol, Adderall, Xanax, codeine, and more. If you use any of those, don’t lie to yourself. You get high.

What’s the difference between those listed above and this list: cocaine, ecstasy, heroin, marijuana, meth? The first list is legal and backed by the big pharm lobby.

What’s the difference between Oxycontin and heroin? Oxycontin’s legal.

What’s the difference between Adderall and ecstasy? Adderall’s legal and actually preferred by rolling aficionados.

What’s one difference between Tylenol and Percoset or Vicodin? NFL players pop the latter two daily.

Altering consciousness is human nature. Why are some prohibited and others allowed?

Big Business Lobbying

Alcohol companies, including my former employer Anheuser-Busch, stand to lose sales if people could get high on other drugs than alcohol.

Pharmaceutical companies, along with alcohol, pose political opposition to legalization of medical marijuana. They’d sell less pills if people could smoke.

Prison guard unions wield immense power in California. If there are less people locked up, there will be less guards and thus a smaller union with less revenue. It’s in their interest to lock up as many as possible.

Victims of the War on Drugs

First and foremost, the real victims of the war on drugs are producer countries like Colombia. Without cocaine profits, the narco-guerrilla organization FARC would’ve been defeated long ago, as Sendero Luminoso in Peru was. Producers with operations in developed countries turn their money over 700% and higher. The limited resources of developed countries aren’t sufficient to combat that.

American organized crime was strongest during Prohibition. Regardless of legislation, people got drunk. It created huge profits and power for bootleggers. It’s the same with drugs. People are going to get high, regardless of the law. Its illegality creates powerful crime syndicates. The modern day bootleggers threaten the Andean and Central American countries.

Other victims of the War on Drugs are the huge number Americans being locked up:

The United States leads the world in the number of people incarcerated in federal and state correctional facilities. There are currently more than 2 million people in American prisons or jails. Approximately one-quarter of those people held in U.S. prisons or jails have been convicted of a drug offense. The United States incarcerates more people for drug offenses than any other country. With an estimated 6.8 million Americans struggling with drug abuse or dependence, the growth of the prison population continues to be driven largely by incarceration for drug offenses. source

“We have created an American gulag,” – said former drug czar Barry McCaffrey.

Most drug dealers I know aren’t hardened criminals. They’re simply risk takers. They have a higher propensity for risk given the reward. A great example is recently released Los Angeles-based cocaine kingpin Ricky Ross. If you hear Ricky Ross in interviews, especially The Last White Hope, you’ll hear an intelligent, well-spoken man who took advantage of a lucrative opportunity. If it weren’t for that opportunity, I don’t doubt he’d have excelled in any endeavor he chose.

The Last White Hope is a critical documentary on the American War on Drugs. I don’t buy its conspiracy theory that the drug Prohibition’s aim is to incarcerate African-Americans. But it’s inarguable that blacks are over-represented in prisons. Blacks aside, too many people of all colors are locked up. The United States has the highest incarceration rate in the world.

Watch American Drug War: The Last White Hope in its entirety on YouTube.

No Easy Solution

Nothing I’ve said here is new. Fortunately American opinion toward marijuana has shifted sharply. Possession of high quantities of marijuana is a misdemeanor in many states.

However, cocaine is the insanely profitable drug that destabilizes Latin America. I applaud Colombian president Juan Manuel Santos for publicly suggesting the world open the debate on legalization (good debate in that link’s comments). I was proud to see the US ambassador concur.

Legalization may go too far. Nobody wants crack and heroin sold at 7-11. But the mandatory minimum sentences have to go. They drive the price and profits up, which destabilize producing and transporting countries. Some form of decriminalization is needed.

There’s no easy solution because the American people won’t tolerate the level of drug addiction seen in Bogota. I’m one of few decriminalization proponents who will argue the obvious: drug use WILL GO UP if decriminalized. Use will also rise if the price drops.

In broad daylight I’ve seen bazuceros smoke crack in Chapinero, a middle class Bogota neighborhood. Americans won’t accept that. Hence, there’s no easy solution or we would’ve found it. But there must be a compromise because too many Americans are getting locked up and dangerous Latin American instability will continue because of developed countries’ demand for cocaine.

My War on Drugs Rant

Narcoterrorism: The Other World Terror

Colin — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 02:33:12 +0000

Expat Chronicles

After September 11, 2001 George W. Bush declared a global War on Terror. His terminology generated controversy. It’s not narrow enough of a definition. Critics often put “War on Terror” in quotes, implying illegitimacy. The weak, vague terminology is a product of political correctness and Bush’s desire not to alienate Muslims by calling it the “War on Islamic Terror.” It’s not a War on Islam, just Islamofascism and people who blow up “infidels,” but that name would surely offend.

Some say it’s impossible to wage war against an undefined enemy. How do we fight a war on terror? When is it over? What exactly is terrorism? A dictionary-esque definition would go something like this (from the Wikipedia page):

Terrorism is the systematic use of terror, especially as a means of coercion.

Would this include the Mafia and organized crime who extort businesses? What about my uncle, a union enforcer who uses violence (or the threat of) to intimidate those who go against the union or union members who go against the leadership? Is my uncle a terrorist? I hope not. The Wikipedia article goes on:

Common definitions of terrorism refer only to those violent acts which are intended to create fear (terror), are perpetrated for a religious, political or ideological goal; and deliberately target or disregard the safety of non-combatants (civilians).

Inspiring fear for “religious, political, or ideological goal[s]” leaves out for-profit terrorism. So the Mafia’s in the clear, but my uncle’s in the grey. Either way, discounting for-profit terrorism leaves out a form of world terrorism second only to Islamic: narcoterrorism.

In ~4 years in Latin America you read a lot of drug cartel news. I’ve learned a lot about the business. One core competency in being a large scale narco is “the systematic use of terror.” They systematically use terror to intimidate the government, police, journalists, and anyone who opposes their business.

From an earlier post on Colombian drug cartels:

Enrique Low Murtra wanted nothing more than to leave his job as Colombia’s justice minister to open a law office and return to his previous career as a university teacher. ‘I would like to imagine that vengeance is not eternal …’ he said … Two months earlier, on the instruction of Colombia’s president, Virgilio Barco, Low Murtra had signed warrants for the arrest and extradition to the United States on drugs charges of the five leading members of the Medellín Cartel … Faced with constant death threats, the minister sent his daughter out of the country. ‘Even going for a haircut has become a problem,’ he said. So intense did the threats become that, in July 1988, Barco sent him to Switzerland as ambassador … In 1991, he was back in Colombia, working as he had hoped as a law professor at the University of La Salle. No longer in government service, he had no bodyguards. He was gunned down at the entrance to the university.

Over three years had passed since the judge signed arrest warrants. The drug cartels never forget. They can’t let people get away. They need a high fear factor. Revenge and intimidation are key parts of the business.

In the story above a judge is assassinated. Maybe killing law enforcement officials isn’t the same as blowing up the World Trade Center. More from Wikipedia’s article on terrorism:

An abiding characteristic is the indiscriminate use of violence against noncombatants for the purpose of gaining publicity for a group, cause, or individual.

This is how I define terrorism:

Terrorism is the systematic and indiscriminate use of violence against noncombatants for religious, political, ideological, or economic goals.

I include for-profit motives. I also require indiscriminate violence against noncombatants to qualify as terrorism, clearing my uncle and most organized crime, both of which are discriminate.

Narcoterrorism is indiscriminate. Narcos don’t only target law enforcement. My Pablo Escobar article illustrates his tactics. He downed a commercial airliner. He bombed public buildings in Bogota, killing mostly civilians to intimidate the public into supporting a government peace deal. He kidnapped and killed Bogota’s elite families who had nothing to do with law enforcement, but were friends and family of policy makers. Escobar is often referred to as South America’s Hitler.

A disturbing example of narcoterrorism came from Rolling Stone’s American narco in Mexico story earlier this year. After infamous trafficker Arturo Beltran was killed by Mexican Marines, the Beltran Leyva cartel responded:

The night of the funeral for a commando who had been killed in the raid, assassins went to the home of the soldier’s family and machine-gunned his mother, sister, aunt and brother in their sleep, leaving behind nearly three dozen spent bullet casings. (from page 3 of the story)

A soldier’s entire family is killed after his funeral. That turned my stomach. Mexico is currently the heart of narcoterrorism; their cartels have begun to mimic Colombian tactics.

I’ve heard stories of murdered Colombians who had nothing to do with law enforcement. A lawyer helped some campesinos escape their FARC-dominated region. The FARC cell in Bogota killed the lawyer and his whole family. Civilians working noncombatant roles for the government in FARC red zones, if identified, are harassed and stalked even after returning to the city.

Islamic terror garners more global attention, and probably deserves it. It’s more of a threat because Islamofascists fault the US, Europe, and “the West” for their problems. Also, extreme interpretations of the Koran mandate that believers “slay the infidel.” Islamic terror overshadows narcoterrorism, illustrated in the difference between their respective Wikipedia articles. The Islamic Terror article is almost 10,000 words with over 180 sources. The narcoterrorism article is under 500 words, has bad punctuation, and cites only four sources. Mexico’s drug war has claimed 40,000 – 50,000 lives. That’s almost 20 times the casualties on 9/11, just in Mexico!

Will narcoterrorism ever garner the attention it deserves? The US government doesn’t ignore it given Plan Colombia and current efforts in Mexico. But in the hearts and minds of citizens of the developed world, narcoterrorism almost doesn’t exist. It only affects a few countries and doesn’t directly threaten America or Europe. It goes largely unnoticed. When Islamic terror has been subdued, will developed countries turn their attention to for-profit narcoterrorism?

Narcoterrorism: The Other World Terror

Understanding Uribismo

Colin — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 01:02:44 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Uribismo is the policies of former Colombian president Alvaro Uribe. An uribista is a supporter of those policies. Uribismo on Wikipedia (translated from Spanish):

Democratic Security: Society participates in the war against narco-terrorism, and in improving the police and military. Democratic Security aims to eliminate all forms of terrorism, and to achieve complete state control over security.
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Investor Confidence: Promote foreign investment in Colombia to create more jobs. Aims to position Colombia in the global economy and developing Colombia into a tourist destination. A strong state is needed for this, as detailed in the Democratic Security policy.
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Social Cohesion: Improving quality of life for all. Aiming to bring a state presence to people and places far from the capital, which have served as a refuge for guerrillas and paramilitaries for years. Aiming to improve health care coverage, education, utilities, internet, and environment preservation. With Social Cohesion, inhabitants of remote areas won’t be tempted to join narco-terrorist groups.
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State of Opinion: This makes no sense so I’m not translating it.

This is the official line defining uribismo. Who can argue? As with most political platforms, it’s specifically generic so it doesn’t alienate anyone.

I got a different explanation from a proud uribista. This isn’t the official line, and it’d certainly be disowned by Uribe. But this is how it was explained to me by Proud Uribista. And it’s probably closer to the heart and soul of popular uribismo.

Proud Uribista said he wants more than a strong hand (mano firme) in government. Proud Uribista wanted Uribe to exceed the bounds of legality against the FARC and drug cartels. Proud Uribista believes the government enemies can’t be defeated legally. Cocaine profits make them too powerful. Proud Uribista wanted someone to cross the line in waging war against guerrillas and narco-terrorists. Proud Uribista voted for an aggressive military that doesn’t hesitate to attack the FARC outside Colombia’s borders. Proud Uribista voted for an aggressive government that wouldn’t refrain from any tactic in defeating the FARC.

As I said in Why Petro beat Peñalosa, I didn’t know anybody who wanted Santos for president (I met Proud Uribista after the election). But I once attended a party of mostly paisas. Uribe’s from Medellin. Carlos Castaño was from Antioquia, a Colombian paramilitary hotbed. The party banter turned political. Uribe hadn’t been disallowed from running for a third term, and these paisas were arguing whether he or Santos should be the next president. No other candidate was mentioned. They argued over who would be the biggest paraco. They wanted an ally to the paramilitaries.

Bogota has been far removed from the guerrilla-paramilitary violence that plagues the countryside and small towns, the “pueblo.” But all Colombians can relate to cocaine-funded enemies of the state. The hunt for Pablo Escobar was inarguably helped by the extrajudicial killings of Los Pepes. The spirit of uribismo, according to Proud Uribista and the paisas from that party, seems to be in that same vein of vigilantism.

Fun Facts:

Alvaro Uribe was one of three world leaders awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by George W. Bush. The other two were Tony Blair and John Howard.
Uribe attended both Harvard and Oxford universities.
Uribe’s father was kidnapped and murdered by the FARC in 1983.
The FARC fired mortars from Bogota’s infamous Cartucho at the Presidential Palace during Uribe’s inauguration. They missed and hit a nearby neighborhood, killing several civilians.
Uribe enjoyed 80% approval upon leaving office, but his legacy has since been tainted by corruption allegations. Much of his former cabinet is in jail or awaiting trial.

Understanding Uribismo

Why Petro Beat Peñalosa

Colin — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 05:50:45 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Alternate Title: 2011 Bogota Mayoral Election Analysis

If you read my Peñalosa article back in July, you know I think he’s the coolest politician ever. He was a heavy favorite to win the Bogota mayoral race. But he lost to Gustavo Petro. How? This election was Peñalosa’s to lose.

Don’t get me wrong, I think Gustavo Petro’s a great guy. He was an important leader for the Uribe opposition and the engine driver of outing the parapolitica scandal. But he’s a Congressman for Christ’s sake. His forte is policy. How does that qualify him for the role of mayor, a city manager? Peñalosa, on the other hand, is a world-renowned urban development guru. He’s the best guy for any developing world capital, especially this one.

Why did he lose? Simply put, he was endorsed by former president Alvaro Uribe. It’d seem like a good idea to anyone to embrace such an endorsement. Uribe enjoyed 80% approval on leaving office just a year ago. Plus, Uribe was from a different political party, Peñalosa’s Green Party’s nemesis in the last presidential election. In the States when someone crosses the aisle with an endorsement, the benefiting candidate plasters it everywhere he can. Southern Democrat Zell Miller gave the keynote speech at George W. Bush’s 2004 RNC. And Barack Obama’s most important endorsement in 2008 was Bush’s Secretary of State and lifelong Republican Colin Powell.

The difference is this was a local election in Bogota. Bogota is the liberal mecca of Colombia. I spoke to a lot of Colombians in the run-up to the 2010 presidential election between Uribe’s chosen successor and Defense Minister Juan Manuel Santos and former Bogota mayor Antanas Mockus. I didn’t know anyone who wanted Santos. And the only Santos campaign signs I saw were at his headquarters on Calle 72. Everybody in Bogota wanted Mockus. And all the signs were green for Mockus’ and Peñalosa’s Green Party. I was surprised beyond belief when Santos won by 20 points.

The lesson to learn was that I live in a tiny bubble of Colombia – the most urban and progressive in the country. It’s a small section that doesn’t represent the majority of the country which voted for a continuation of the Uribe policies that crippled the FARC. Bogotanos didn’t bear the brunt of guerrilla violence. They were more outraged at human rights violations and corruption in Uribe’s government. People wanted Petro because they want Uribe in jail. My FB friends for Petro didn’t care at all about him before the Uribe endorsement.

The U may win on the national level, but this is Bogota. The liberal mecca. Imagine if, in 2009, George W. Bush had endorsed a Democrat mayoral candidate in a San Francisco or New York primary. It’d sound crazy to an American, but this is about the same. It’s easy to say in hindsight, but Peñalosa should’ve shunned the former president.

If you take another look at the CR article announcing Petro’s victory, note the first comment celebrates not the defeat of Peñalosa, but of Uribe.

Enrique Peñalosa and Congestion in Bogota

Why Petro Beat Peñalosa

Closing Bogota Brothel Tours

Colin — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 23:04:13 +0000

Expat Chronicles

I’ve taken down the Bogota Brothel Tours site. I’ve closed shop for a plethora of reasons.

I didn’t like it

The most important reason I’d been looking for a way out was simply because I don’t like it. It may be surprising to some readers because of my stories. I went a little crazy when I first moved to South America, but it quickly wore off. I’m not going to say I didn’t slip up at all this year, but the number of times was almost zero. And the 2012 number will be zero. I never want to go to whorehouses. All the gringos I hang out with in Bogota know that I never want to go. Just like strip clubs back in the States, I never want to go.

The problem is Bogota’s ley zanahoria – bars close at 3 am (St. Louis also). So if you want to keep drinking after 3, there are only a few illegal places that stay open. The non-whorehouses are expensive and a taxi ride away. Or they’re sketchy and the only girls are whores anyway. The inexpensive whorehouses are in walking distance. So despite never wanting to go, I end up going anyway when I want to keep drinking.

I don’t like whores. I don’t like whorehouse waitstaff. The whorehouse managers are OK. And to be fair, some of the whores and whorehouse waitstaff are OK. But most suck. I really didn’t like escorting gringos into Santa Fe. A couple times I had to stare down or mouth off to shady looking thieves. I didn’t enjoy the job from the get-go. I got the idea to sell the business to someone who does enjoy going to those places. The website, content, and inbound links should be worth at least $2,000. Launching and flipping a business would’ve been a nice accomplishment on my entrepreneurial resume.

Hurts credibility as writer

Being associated with the sex industry became too much of a liability for me as a writer. I am a writer, first and foremost. I don’t sell drugs. I’m not a pimp. I’m a writer. I create entertainment. It’s subversive, many people find it offensive. So don’t read it. With the tours, I was trying to find ways in monetizing my writing, which is free. Unfortunately the tours provided ammo for critics to dismiss my writing as promoting sex tourism.

Part of the reason I didn’t sell the business was because I wouldn’t link to it anymore, even if the buyer paid for an ad. I couldn’t in good conscience sell a business I’d refuse to link to.

Colombian disapproval

NEWS FLASH – Colombians don’t approve of gringos setting up sex industry businesses in their country. This actually hadn’t occurred to me before setting up shop. I didn’t think anybody’d care about me. But they did and they made their disapproval known. While prostitution is legal in Colombia, out in the open for all to see, that doesn’t mean they want gringos publishing the fact in English on the internet. And they’re not vying to become a sex tourism hot spot.

Despite what you may assume, I hold high respect for the Colombian government. They’ve persevered in the face of extreme adversity, from guerrillas and paramilitaries to narco-terrorists. I don’t want to be the nemesis of those figures whom I honestly admire. They may not like my stories, but I’m not actively trying to oppose them. So I’m not going to promote an industry they don’t want to see developed.

I don’t want to promote sex tourism

I never intended to promote sex tourism. I thought I could help business travelers and backpackers through the sketchy parts of town. However, it’s impossible to make the argument that the Bogota Brothel Tours website didn’t promote sex tourism. Being criticized, naturally, I started coming up with arguments. I planned to publish an article titled “In Defense of Sex Tourism,” which would’ve made a great case why it’s inevitable for Colombia to become a sex tourism hotspot as the security situation improves.

Sex isn’t only the “world’s oldest profession.” It’s a bona fide industry. Going through business school you probably think of it as beneath you or tainted, sordid. Then I read The Geek-Kings of Smut, an overview of the evolving porn business from it’s Los Angeles-based, brick-and-mortar roots to the current internet age run by geeks. Then I read this in Online porn often leads high-tech way:

Online pornographers have been among the first to exploit new technology for more than a decade — from video-streaming and fee-based subscriptions to pop-up ads and electronic billing. Their bold experimentation has helped make porn one of the most profitable online industries, and their ideas are staples at Fortune 500 companies.

Not only is sex a bona fide industry, it’s often a leading industry. Other industries follow. Tourism is just one small part of the big picture. Thailand is the world’s leader, but Latin America isn’t far behind. The regional leader for Latina sex tourism is Costa Rica (see costaricaticas.com). Costa Rica ranks with Argentina and Panama in its perception of safety and security. If Colombia is ever to enjoy the same perception, the sex tourism will certainly come with it. There’s no stopping it, unless violence and crime return to the levels of ten years ago.

I’ve heard from “Mongers” that many of the sex workers in Costa Rica are Colombians. I’ve met Colombian prostitutes in Peru and Chile. Peru is much poorer than Colombia, yet they don’t export the masses of prostitutes. Colombian women’s propensity for prostitution can’t be attributed to poverty. There must be something in the culture. If a perception of security comes to Colombia, so will the Mongers.

I convinced myself that sex businesses represent capitalist purity. It’s the oldest profession and a leading industry. The only argument against it would have to come from religion – moral reasons. You couldn’t convince me from an economic or scientific standpoint. ”In Defense of Sex Tourism” would’ve been a great article, but I couldn’t bring myself to publish it. Despite all the arguments I could come up with, I didn’t believe it. If I worked in public policy, would I try to develop the industry? No.

Religion

One reason I didn’t list in the End of Expat Chronicles poll was a religious conversion. I didn’t list it because that wouldn’t cause me to shut this site down. I’d just change the content. Several months ago I wrote Conversations with Christians, in which I interviewed two born again friends. Readers may have thought I’d gone crazy or was putting on a show, but I really was attending Mass each Sunday for a few months. I’ve continued to pray and build a relationship with God as I understand Him.

If you put your mind to it, you can reconcile whatever you want with your religion. Before the Civil War the Bible was used to justify slavery. I believe there is a time to kill. Otherwise how would you deal with Hitler? But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t justify brothel tours. I have a good imagination, but not good enough to convince myself of that.

I’m not claiming to be “born again,” but I have been praying every day. If you read my Conversations with Christians post, you’ll see it didn’t happen for those guys overnight. I’m not saying I’m devout or on the path to being so. I’m just saying religion played a part in closing shop, and after I decided that I received a sign not to sell it either. I’m just leaving it behind.

“Todo tiene su final” by Hector Lavoe

Closing Bogota Brothel Tours

Expat Chronicles Store

Colin — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:16:09 +0000

Expat Chronicles

My last post, the End of Expat Chronicles poll, asked which most likely reason would mean the end this blog. At the time of this writing, only six people have voted “Career – Colin goes back to corporate or other employer who insists on sterile online persona.”

This is the most likely reason because the nature of this blog is increasingly becoming a liability on my ability to earn. It recently got me fired for the second time this year. This employer knew about the blog and tours before hiring me, but underestimated the amount of pressure he’d have to endure to employ me. That pressure ultimately proved to be too much.

I’m almost at the four year point with this site. It’s shit-or-get-off-the-pot time. I know my writing’s interesting, but I’m not sure it’s interesting enough to earn a living. Given the nature of my content negates my ability to earn a living, I’m dedicating these next 12 months to monetizing this blog. If I can’t eek out on a Latin American cost of living by then, it’ll be reassessment time.

My first angle is launching the Expat Chronicles store. I got the idea from hilarious blog 27b/6. Unfortunately, unlike 27b/6 I don’t have a massive global audience. So (a) I can’t rely on a tiny percentage of readers buying something and (b) I can’t mark my items up only a few dollars. I need almost every reader who doesn’t want to see Expat Chronicles shut down to buy something nice. With each product you buy, $10 goes to keeping Expat Chronicles in business.

I worked all week to get this store up in time for Christmas. It has some great gag gifts, plus some you may want to be seen with yourself. CafePress ships worldwide, and not too expensive outside the US. Below is a gallery of some selected products. Visit the store.

BTW – anything not in the color / form you’d like, let me know and I’ll add it.

Expat Chronicles Store

End of Expat Chronicles

Colin — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 16:02:36 +0000

Expat Chronicles

I’ve been thinking about how Expat Chronicles will, if ever, come to an end. I’d like to know what the readers think, so I’m having a poll. Pardon the provocative title, it’s meant for you to click through. Please vote!

These are the reasons I came up with. Feel free to write in a different outcome in the comments. I may add it into the poll.

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

FYI – I’m not enforcing the comment policy on this post.

New Comment Policy on Expat Chronicles

End of Expat Chronicles

Colombia Bang: E-Book by Roosh V

Colin — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 00:32:07 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Roosh is a PUA blogger, a pickup artist. He travels the world and has sex with women. Giving advice and detailing his exploits is his job. Not bad, huh? He spent six months in Medellin. He wrote Colombia Bang, a how-to book on getting laid in Colombia. It’s only $5 and worth the investment if you want to bang Colombian women.

Buy Colombia Bang for $5 (using that link supports Expat Chronicles)

The first chapter, “Welcome to Colombia,” doesn’t offer anything new to readers of this blog. However, I’ll highlight this passage on Bogota:

The air pollution is abominable and you may find yourself choking on fumes during taxi rides through congested streets. Without a rail system, the city’s size becomes unmanageable, and getting from one part of town to another is a headache. The weather is mild during the day but cool and rainy at night. There is a slight bohemian and hipster vibe among the females, with Converse shoes and mullets being common among both sexes.

I can’t really argue However, maybe not on the paisa women but there are exponentially more mullets in Medellin than Bogota.

On Medellin:

The girls here are arguably more attractive because of the shallower paisa culture, which teaches young women to aim for looks instead of brains. Gigantic fake breasts are not uncommon (as well as ass implants), especially in the richest part of town (El Poblado). This creates a cheesier vibe than Bogotá, but Medellín’s permanent summer is also more pleasing to the eyes, since girls don’t need to pile on the thick clothing.

It’s not arguable. Paisa chicks are more attractive. Not only do they spend more time on themselves, but the paisa bloodline is more Spanish and less Indian, and most people prefer the European look.

Roosh chose Medellin because:

[W]ith pleasant weather, bountiful supply of single women, and modern public transportation, it’s a rather easy choice. If you want something more spicy without the gringo hordes, Cali should be your pick. If you want a more progressive vibe along with a large selection of restaurants and clubs then choose Bogotá.

Exactly. Want eternal spring with the best looking white women and friendliest people? Medellin. Want spicy salsa with the biggest butts and flirtiest women? Cali. International metropolis with the best restaurants, nightlife, business opportunities, and museums? Bogota.

The second chapter’s titled “Logistics” and lists travel resources and gringo websites on the lifestyle, followed by sub-sections “Packing,” “Calculating a Budget,” and “A Sound Strategy for Learning Spanish.” The third chapter, “Culture,” gets into the guts of getting laid in Colombia. I’ve highlighted my favorite passages and added my own feedback.

Many girls have a tag technique where they call you and let the phone ring just once so you get the hint and call her back. This is their way of saying they want to talk to you but are unable (or unwilling) to pay for it.

It actually rings less than once. It’s a fraction of a ring. This technique is very popular, especially among prepagos (who there’s no reason to call back anyway) and women of lower morals. In fact, I wouldn’t trust any of the girls who’ve called me like that. However, I myself do this not only to girls but also friends. The reason I do it, however, isn’t because I’m too cheap to use my credit. I do it when I want it to appear as if I called someone when I don’t really want to talk.

Another Colombian nightlife feature is that girls rarely go out with only girls—they go out with other men. Because the girls can’t afford to buy their own drinks (remember they can’t even afford to keep up a balance on their cell phone), they’ll always be trying to go out with guys who will pay their way. It’s common for a girl to check you out but within a protected ring of dudes, leaving you with few options to start an interaction. Since at least one of those guys is paying for drinks and trying to get in her pants, he’ll more often than not be displeased if you make headway with her, and even if you do make headway, she’s not going to hook up with you in front of her social circle.

This is the biggest obstacle to getting laid in Colombia. Nobody says it, but Colombia’s a sausage-fest. It’s not only because girls don’t want to pay for drinks. I attribute it more to the Colombia’s long history of violence. I’ve even heard that outdoor patios like at Irish Pub are a recent phenomenon – most Bogota bars were all closed up to the outside streets for decades. Shootouts were common in Zona Rosa in the 90s.

The only way to avoid the sausage-fest is to hit the most expensive clubs and spend like a gringo on vacation, which may not be in the budget if you live here. But the premiere discotecas of Zona Rosa and Park 93 have plenty of unattended women.

Colombian society is constructed to make it as hard as possible for you to get laid, thwarting you every step of the way.

100% true unless you count banging whores as getting laid. Getting laid with non-gold digger non-prepago Colombianas is difficult. Peru is the opposite. In retrospect, I think I chose Colombia because it was closer to reality. Peru was ridiculous.

I got a chuckle from this one:

American girls are significantly fatter, but Colombian girls aren’t exactly the thinnest culture you’ll come across—it’s very hard to find one who doesn’t have some pudge around her belly or extra fat on her arms … You’ll find a good amount of chubby girls, but not massive cows like in the States.

Even truer in the brisk climate of Bogota.

You’ll find [Colombian girls] to be flakey, unreliable, and seemingly not too serious about fucking, especially at younger ages. The truth is that Colombian girls aren’t as horny as American girls and banging one won’t be the easiest thing you attempt. The moon and the stars have to be aligned almost perfectly for her to decide it’s time to get laid. The result is that you’ll have a pile of numbers that quickly wind up in purgatory … Besides having actual game, the most important quality in gaining your Colombian flag is raw animal persistence.

FLAKY Colombian women. This CAN’T be understated, and it’s worse in Bogota. “Flaky, unreliable, and seemingly not too serious about fucking” – you’re going to deal with a lot of this. “[Y]ou’ll have a pile of numbers that quickly wind up in purgatory” – I couldn’t count them on all my fingers and toes. “The most important quality in gaining your Colombian flag is raw animal persistence” – this is something that’s held me back. I like to think it’s because I have DIGNITY. But I know I’ve dropped lines that didn’t necessarily warrant dropping. If I call a girl three times and we haven’t met, I’m done. Shit, I’d only call three times for a girl I really like. Colombian women will blow guys off for weeks when there may be a chance, partly because Colombian men have that persistence. Also, Colombian women can act like that because they’re so physically attractive; they have all the power. They’re hotter than Brazilian women but brasileras have a better reputation because they’re not such a pain in the ass.

In the United States I don’t advise using the Internet because of the ease of meeting girls in bars and clubs. If a man wants to approach ten girls on a weekend night in any medium-sized American city, he’ll easily be able to do so, since there’s really no shortage of available girls for him to practice his game on.

-

It’s a different story in Colombia. There’s a difficulty that doesn’t exist in the States: finding targets. You can be in a huge Colombian club with hundreds of people, dancing to a rotating mix of house music, salsa, or reggaeton, and literally see nothing suitable around you to approach. The reason is because girls hang with other guys, usually at tables. You can approach girls with other guys—and you’ll learn how shortly—but the success rate of these approaches is low because so much of your time is spent integrating yourself into the group rather than gaming your girl. Therefore we must drag the Internet option out of the woodwork to compensate for these nightlife difficulties.

I’ve never liked the internet thing and not gotten into it here, unless you count my marriage ad (for which I did get inquiries) But the fact is Roosh is right, especially if you’re only in Colombia for a short time. Get some leads via internet beforehand. I’d caution you however that internet is the natural habitat of visa-hunting bricheras.

The Internet strategy is a pure numbers game and no doubt you’ll feel like a copy-and-paste monkey, but in the end it does work and personally resulted in my second Colombian bang. Spend at least thirty minutes a day on these sites building up prospects and don’t be cheap when it comes to shelling out money for the pay sites. I’ve met a few guys who had dates lined up during their one-week Colombian vacation by hitting all three sites like a horny grizzly bear. Even one success from Internet gaming will make you feel quite satisfied, especially if it results in your flag.

Interesting.

Day game is a great way to meet girls outside of the artificial club environment and will be a strong preference for guys who aren’t drinkers. In the States it’s used mostly to supplement nighttime activities, but in Colombia day game takes on a more serious importance because of the already mentioned difficulties of meeting Colombian girls in bars. To guarantee your Colombian flag, you’ll have to make more approaches during the day than at night. This isn’t going to be particularly easy or enjoyable, since you’ll be alone without the loosening effects of friends or alcohol, but it has to be done to ensure success.

DAY GAME. Write that down. Also, “[I]n Colombia day game takes on a more serious importance because of the already mentioned difficulties of meeting Colombian girls in bars.” Write that down, too. Because when night falls, this city’s women disappear, especially in Chapinero, Bogota, a neighborhood crawling with hot young Colombianas during the day. It’s like magic – when night falls they disappear. I blame the history of violence.

I actually got turned on to day game from The Mick. He’s always hollering at girls in the street in the mornings and afternoons. Gringos, get it OUT OF YOUR MIND that you’re going to go out at night, meet girls getting drunk, and hook up that way like happens in most of the world and even Latin America. You’re setting yourself up for failure. In Colombia, and especially Bogota, meet them and get numbers during the day, and get to know them later or make evening plans.

Universities in Colombia have armed guards at the gates, so you’ll need to bring your driver’s license or some form of identification to gain access (I don’t recommend bringing your passport, since it may not be stored securely). Tell the guard you’re either thinking of signing up for a language class or would like to study at the library. If that doesn’t work, go to another entrance and simply say you’d like to attend class and need to talk to the director of language studies. Since there are multiple entrances and different guards, you can perform this scam for quite a while.

I live in the heart of Chapinero, surrounded by literally tens of thousands (if not hundreds of thousands) of college students and it never occurred to me to hang out on college campuses. This is a great strategy that forms a central tenet of Roosh’s strategy to getting laid in Colombia.

One criticism of this part of the book is that all his “approaches” in universities revolve around studying Spanish, which is great for backpackers or people here for a short time, but it won’t work for expats. Especially if you have 3+ years in country.

For those of us expats, we’ve all faked not speaking or having poxy Spanish before (especially with cops or when needing a new ticket to Machu Picchu). But I don’t feel comfortable faking it for more than five minutes. It’s just a matter of time before they smell it on you and you’re caught. Something they say is going to provoke a facial expression that gives you away, or you’re going to get annoyed at the slow pace of the conversation and “dramatically improve,” or you’re going to see somebody you know and say “¿Q’HUBO PUES PARCE, BIEN O NO?”

I’ve thought of taking a Spanish literature course at a local university, but I wouldn’t recommend “opening” a girl with a question on the finer points of El olvido que seremos or even Colombian history because most Latinos don’t read. However, if you want a smart one like I do, that’ll weed out the ones who spend all their time watching telenovelas, internet chatting, and taking pictures of themselves. Otherwise, get a new opener. From my experience in opening, just start doing it regularly. If you’re approaching women regularly, openers just pop into your head.

When advising strategy for picking up chicks in the mall, here’s an example of a question to keep her engaged:

…

“Where’s a good place to buy skinny jeans?”

Jesus, Roosh. No man should ever say that in any language. SHUT UP AND SQUAT!

I’ve concluded that going out in the United States is more about meeting someone new, but in Colombia it’s about hanging out with people you already know. You’re further limited by only having three nights to consistently find girls out and about (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday).

Thursday, Friday, Saturday doesn’t apply to Bogota. It takes some research, but there’s rumba 7 days a week unless it’s ley seca or a puente.

I don’t recommend that you open during the day in English because it comes across as presumptive and arrogant, but at night, where you want to be a little arrogant, go ahead and start off in English.

I don’t find it arrogant, but I’m not Colombian. Still, if you don’t speak Spanish then it’s a good way to find chicks who speak English. Keep in mind that any Colombian who speaks English wants to practice. Part of it is showing off but part of it is sincerely wanting to practice. They don’t have loads of immigrants like developed countries do, so good students take advantage. Plus any colombiana who speaks English is probably open to dating gringos.

For instance, avoid buying drinks for girls who don’t reward you with some sort of intimacy first, even though it wouldn’t be expensive to do so.

I generally agree with this advice, and definitely in Gringolandia. And I’m VERY MUCH against picking up all the tabs once dating.

Still, Colombia’s a different story. As Roosh stated, there’s a long line of guys willing to buy all a girl’s drinks. Colombian women (especially attractive ones) are very materialistic. If you come off cheap to a girl you just met, you’ll be dismissed. Plus, in South American bars you buy the whole bottle. If a major part of your sexual strategy is getting a girl drunk, as it is a part of mine and Roosh’s, you want to get the bottle on the table. You can have the girl come out her pockets for the vaca, but it’s faster and more convenient to just take care of it.

If you’re at a place that has a dance floor, I suggest you use it. Dancing is very important to Colombian girls and you should put in a token effort to show her that you’re capable of sharing one of her passions. It’s not important to be a good dancer, since I’ve seen a ton of horrible gringo dancers with decent-looking girls, but it’s important to give it your best for a few songs because there is no bigger buzzkill to a Colombian girl than a guy who doesn’t dance at all.

One word: salsa! Hit the salseras. My favorite is Goze de Pagano in el centro / La Candelaria. Although salsa spots can be terrible about not having unaccompanied women – tables of big groups of girls and guys – it’s no big deal to dance with a girl from another group. It’s actually expected and part of salsa culture. Bring girls you know to trade. Salsa is SEXY. “It’s not important to be a good dancer,” as Roosh says, but if you learn the basic steps it makes a big difference. Not only will your dance partner get into you, but other girls watching will want a piece. The importance of dancing in Colombia and greater Latin America can’t be understated.

Colombia isn’t as much of a one-night stand culture as America, so you’ll find that the pick-up usually ends with a measly number. Even kisses are much harder to come by on the same night you meet, but that’s no surprise because half her social circle will be looking on.

True. I’ve actually been missing gringas for some time. And I always enjoy them when I go back home. The gender roles in developed countries have been blurred. Gringas make the first move. Latinas not so much.

I’m confident that you’ll find getting numbers isn’t especially hard, whether during the day, night, or on the Internet. The hardest part is actually getting them out on dates.

This goes back to their flakiness, and it can’t be understated. Numbers ending up in purgatory.

At this point it’s worth mentioning the prepago, a gold digger who actively seeks out gringos in order to get wined and dined.

This is actually an incorrect definition of Colombian slang. A prepago is a ho. As in, pay a certain amount of cash beforehand, then have sex. You can wine and dine her if you want, but a prepago gets paid in cash for having sex. Colombian slang doesn’t really have a term for gringo-hunters like brichera in Peru, but I’ve heard gringera and cazadora de gringos used.

I can see how Roosh could’ve used ‘prepago’ in that way for months and never been corrected. If talking to any Colombian, it doesn’t necessarily render this passage untrue:

It’s true that some gringos don’t mind dating a prepago, just like how many American men don’t mind dating a girl who’s into him for his money. They know they’re indirectly paying for it anyway, so that fact doesn’t faze them … If you’re not sure if you have a prepago on your hands, ask yourself the following question: “Could a normal Colombian guy afford the things this girl expects from me?” … I estimate that there’s only a 15% chance you’ll actually meet one during your one month or less stay in Colombia.

Maybe due to non-ho Colombianas being such a pain in the ass, the culture of prostitution in Colombia is VAST. There are loads of prepagos. So if a girl pulled some gold digger stunt on you, you could tell a Colombian the story and they’d respond, ‘She’s a ho.’ Hence Roosh’s confusion.

Many prepagos date on the side, and their dating practices are obviously gold digger-esque. So prepagos are more than willing to date gringos. I know some that hang around La Candelaria. They’re a gang of seemingly clean college girls who date gringos and work as hoes in the high end ho-houses up north. Prepagos are so common in this country, I’m 100% positive that at least ONE gringo, maybe as many as FIVE, reading this in Colombia are dating a girl who either has worked or is currently working as a ho. With my experience in the Bogota sex industry, I’m 100% positive.

Only use text messaging if you know for a fact that it’s a method of communication she uses, since she probably won’t have the balance to reply to messages. (I dated a Colombian girl for months who never sent me a single text message.) I also suspect some girls simply don’t “get” text messaging. It’s a safe bet to use it if she sends you messages first, but generally speaking the less Americanized she is, the more likely it is that she won’t.

I’ve never run into this, but I haven’t dealt with any lower estrato girls.

Understand that you can be flexible about contacting her. Many guys who are short on time call the next day and have succeeded that way. I’m a fan of waiting at least two days because you don’t want to show that you’re needy.

Waiting at least two days, popularized in classic bachelor flick Swingers, is standard operating procedure in Gringolandia. However, I’ve reversed course in Colombia. Colombian FLAKINESS makes it so difficult after a few days. The line’s gone cold so many times. And I’ve had seemingly cool-playing Colombian girls call me the very next day after meeting in a drunken rumba, so I started calling the next day while the coals are still hot. I may be wrong here. I shoot myself in the foot a lot. I’m not the expert, Roosh is.

In fact, cute young girls are so flakey that we need to introduce a specific move that will greatly reduce the likelihood of the flake. After telling her you’re going to confirm the date on Thursday afternoon, simply give her radio silence once Thursday rolls by. Don’t contact her. If she attempts to call or text you at some point in the late afternoon or early evening, that means she got anxious or excited about going out with you and wanted to ask if the date is still on for the night. Pick up the phone or text her back and set the time as usual. (If she attempts to contact you in the morning or early afternoon, it’s probably to cancel.) There are times I’ve pulled this move and the girl didn’t call or text me, meaning she didn’t give a shit about me to see if the date was on or not.

-

I don’t recommend using this move on girls who are showing extraordinary interest or who were easy to get in touch with. You’ll know to use it on those girls who took two weeks simply to get on the phone or agree to a date. Always use it on wishy-washy girls, but restrain from using it on girls who have given you zero flakey suspicions.

EXCELLENT idea. I wish I’d done something similar with the more attractive girls who I let go. Maybe, with those ones, use this tool and don’t take it personally if they don’t call. Then employ a little “raw animal persistence” after the missed date, acting as if nothing happened.

For some reason, Messenger has taken hold in South America and is the preferred instant chat program, above AIM, Google Chat, or Yahoo Messenger … It’ll be a given that her email will be from Hotmail, so you can plug that into Messenger and her contact will pop up. That said, don’t use Messenger. It ties you to the computer and offers no benefits over email when it comes to setting dates.

I just want to gripe about how Microsoft dominates Latin America. Seriously, Latinos reading this, don’t have a Hotmail address in 2011. Make the switch to Gmail. You’ll thank me later. On a sidenote, however, FB chat has supplanted Messenger and Google Chrome has spanked IE down in the browser industry due to its inherent bad-ass-ness and also poor bandwidth / slow internet connections.

Besides getting stood up, a bad thing that could happen on the date is her bringing along a relative, invariably a “cousin.” In that case, she’s pegging you for a chump that’s going to treat them both to drinks. You have two options here to save face: call a friend to come and occupy the cousin or say you forgot your money and have to go home to get it.

There’s actually another option: making her pay. I really wish more gringos would start doing this, because you’re fucking it up for the rest of us. Don’t be weak.

This is actually some ho shit if you ask me. Gold digger at best, but hoes do this. Unfortunately it’s common, though it’s never happened to me. Being a PUA, Roosh was surely attracting everything and anything he could. But the other guys I know who this has happened to, for most it’s happened more than once. Yet never to me. Noticing that is when I formed an abstract theory on what kind of people you attract. Some guys attract those women like bees to honey. I don’t. It’s like they can smell the frugality and brokeness on me despite being a gringo.

Now this is where I tell you that Colombian girls are harder to kiss than American girls. There is an unfortunately high chance that she won’t let you get close enough for the kiss at the second venue. Then you’ll have to make a last ditch effort before you escort her home or into a taxi. The best way to know if a girl is ready to be kissed is if you get in really close to her face and she holds steady while maintaining eye contact. If she can’t keep eye contact and does her best to look away, she’s definitely not ready.

I have a different way of dealing with proper-actin’ Latinas, though I imagine it’s not consistent with PUA practices. It works for me. I call it “bulldozing the bitch.” Best case scenario, you’re making out. Worst case, you know where you stand and don’t waste any more time. And even in those worst cases, those silly bitches often hit me up later on FB after I forgot about them.

After you’re done beating her pussy up (congrats on your flag), call her a taxi, assuming she doesn’t want to stay. This is the point where she may make several comments about how much a taxi costs. For theatrical effect, she may look through her purse and have an exasperated look on her face as if she forgot her massive wad at home. She may then straight-up ask for money. If I like the girl, I take a hard line: I don’t give her anything. I tell her that she’s welcome to spend the night and take the bus in the morning. If I never want to see the girl again, I give her the taxi money to get rid of her.

I’m against paying for everything, but I’m not against getting the taxi especially beforehand. I’ve mostly heard it before a booty call. They want to come over but don’t have taxi fare. If that’s going to make or break the deal, get the taxi. Also, you have to keep in mind that America’s 10% unemployment is historically high. Colombia’s 10% unemployment is historically low. A lot of people, especially young people, simply don’t have money.

The reason I don’t think you should give taxi money to a girl you like is because she’ll lose respect for you afterward. We want her to see us as a man she has to put in effort to spend time with, not a wallet that she just has to show up, eat, drink, and spread her legs for. If she wants the benefits of dating a fun gringo, she has to pay for the cab ride to have a good time with him. Besides having to please you, that’s the most we’re going to ask from her. In the end, dating a middle class girl will always be preferred over dating poor girls, where the line between a normal relationship and prostitution becomes blurry.

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Definitely don’t pick up all the tabs unless she’s pooped out a few of your kids already.

[W]hen you return home and start macking again, something will seem off. The women in your country will be hideous, fat, cold, and full of masculine attitude. You’ll feel lethargic, uninspired, and unmotivated. And this is where you’ll miss Colombian women. Their jealousy and neediness, which you found annoying at the time, will turn out to be endearing and almost charming. Their femininity and ability to please a man will be miles ahead of the girls you meet at your favorite watering hole back home. You’ll stare at the calendar, check your budget, see how many days off you can get from work, and then plan your glorious return.

A great ode not just to Colombian women, but Latinas in general. My first Latin girlfriend was a Brazilian over ten years ago and, while I didn’t realize it at the time, I’m certainly past the point of no return. Although I do occasionally miss gringas, I’m resolved to my lifelong love affair with the Latin woman.

Whether you’re pondering a trip to Colombia or you’ve already gotten residency, Colombia Bang is a useful guide in getting laid in Colombia. It’s five fuckin’ dollars, and buying a copy keeps this blog in business. It’s a great read, so what are you waiting for?

Buy Colombia Bang for $5. Also, don’t forget you’ll have most success meeting women DURING THE DAY. Roosh wrote a non-country-specific guide for that called Day Bang.
(buying those links supports Expat Chronicles)

If you don’t care about the thrill of the hunt, you can always get right down to the sex in Bogota with security, translation, and guidance through Bogota’s red light districts

I know a lot of people have less than loving feelings for PUA and the seduction community. So if you want to air those complaints, I’m going to be a little lax on my comment policy when it comes to respect. Roosh is a public figure, as are other PUA writers, so they can handle a little more criticism. However, you still have to use your real name unless you’re commenting under the name of your linked website.

Colombia Bang: E-Book by Roosh V

Vanity and Colombian Women

Colin — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 05:17:33 +0000

Expat Chronicles

There’s something different about Colombian women. They take extraordinary pride in their beauty.

Don’t get me wrong, all beautiful women are vain. I almost married a gringa five years ago. This beautiful gringa had a gang of hot gringa friends, and their favorite time of the night was picture-taking. They knew how to pose and smile. Then they’d all clamor to look at the pictures, and I knew they were clamoring to look at themselves in the shot.

Vanity is the excessive belief in one’s own abilities or attractiveness to others.

Latinas are a more feminine breed and they take picture-taking to a new level. Colombianas are the worst, maybe because of the model industry in their country. Any day of the week, check out the Colombia Reports Lite page. The entire celebrity gossip scene in Colombia is about models. Their beauty pageants make national news. The pageant winners are household names. They literally worship these silly bitches.

In America beauty pageant winners are largely a joke. They’re morons. In Colombia they’re glorified. Unfortunately, normal Colombian girls aspire to be models.

I have Facebook friends who have albums of themselves. Not just photos, albums. Each album may have 20 – 50 photos, and some have a dozen or so albums. Some even create Facebook fan pages for themselves! Their albums feature photos of them sitting or standing in the exact same place. They’re holding their camera out, changing position or smile, and snapping off dozens and dozens of shots of themselves with slight tweaks to their eyes, smiles, whatever. I’ve never seen such vanity in my life.

Vanity is the excessive belief in one’s own abilities or attractiveness to others.

I didn’t realize this until I was in Medellin one night and a paisa chick, trying to flirt, asked me for my camera. She said she loves photos. She proceeded to take shots of herself. She changed angles, smiles, her eyes. She didn’t change them, she merely tweaked them, for dozens of shots. Dozens. By the time she gave the camera back, she’d deleted all the photos except her favorite. That was the moment I realized the vanity in Colombian women.

There was another Colombian girl with whom I had a brief – very brief – affair. She was proud to be a part of a model agency. She was cute, but certainly no model. I almost wanted to tell her, “Honey, you’re great, but stop this model nonsense. You’ll never be a model.” I never told her before it was over. She never got the point. She was one of these models that worked as a brand girl in Centromayor or whatever, selling laundry detergent or what have you.

In Colombia there’s this unhealthy glorification of models and immaculate beauty. It’s fucked up.

I also think it’s a reason why Colombia has such a VAST PROSTITUTION INDUSTRY. And why Colombian women have so much power over their men. Shit, in almost every gringo-colombiana couple I know, the woman has all the power in the relationship (gringo friend, if you have to ask, you have your answer).

Seriously, to the Colombian men, and to the gringos who date Colombian women, stand up and be a man. Put these silly bitches in their place. They might be fine, but as a wise man once told me, “No matter how fine she seems, keep in mind that some guy is tired of fucking her.”

If in doubt of what I’m saying, go through your Facebook female friends from Colombia. See how many of them have ALBUMS and ALBUMS of themselves, nobody else, themselves in the same spot, with dozens and dozens of photos of themselves in the same spot, slightly tweaked. They get off on themselves. It’s quasi-gay if you ask me.

Here’s a perfect example. Not to be a hater, but check out this Natalia Hoyos woman. Facebook regularly recommends that I “subscribe” to her. Why would I do that? Why would I give a shit about her? What does she offer besides being a model? Most importantly, some dumb ass Colombian friends of mine must subscribe to her if FB thinks I’d be a good fit too. This is the role model for too many young Colombian women.

Is there any doubt about the extreme vanity in Colombian women? I’m running the risk of being FB deleted because I have many female friends who I’m describing to a T.

Vanity and Colombian Women

New Athletics Goal: DUNK!

Colin — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 00:24:15 +0000

Expat Chronicles

I recently achieved a powerlifting milestone and long-time personal goal: a 400 lb squat. Check it out:

Actually, I didn’t get deep enough for that rep. It’d have been disqualified in a powerlifting competition because my hips don’t go lower than my knees. HOWEVER, I’d just gotten 405 for a deep squat easy but Mikey The Shitty Cameraman was standing right behind me and my pants were riding up my ass. A significant percentage of the screen is my ass going down and opening up, then contracting on the way up. It’s too gay to publish. I decided to go for 415 and had Mikey The Shitty Cameraman move to the side. This time he fucked up the camera and took a still shot as I was unracked the bar. I had 415 lbs on my back for at least ten seconds before he gave me the green light to start the rep. Holding that much on your back without moving is still taxing. I knew I didn’t get low enough before even seeing the video, but I got 405 clean so I was happy.

The other goal I’d hoped for was a 500 lb deadlift. After squatting, I started working up towards a deadlift PR. To my surprise, while working up on singles, I missed 445. Missed it twice actually. Just the week prior I pulled 465. Happy to get my squat PR, I threw in the towel.

Instead of continuing the quest for 500, I strategically deload every few months. Powerlifting heavy-ass weight causes deep muscle soreness. Professionals get deep tissue massages regularly. It also takes a toll on your nervous system. It’s hard going in week in week out to lift dangerously heavy weight without a break.

I’m taking a break, but not from goal-focused exercise. Since recently incorporating bodyweight exercises in my routines, I stayed at a relatively light weight for a PR, 205-210. I noticed while playing basketball that my vertical hadn’t plummeted. For most of my athletic career, I’d found strength to be inversely correlated to my vertical. The more weight I could push/pull, the more difficult it was to get above the rim. And the higher I could jump, the less weight I could move.

Here, on the other hand, I’m the strongest I’ve ever been (depending how it’s measured) yet I can get half my hand over the rim easily. The coach of the team I practice with made a comment while watching, “Estás volando, Colin.” You’re flying. One thing I’d always heard if going for a dunk is that you should be able to squat twice your bodyweight. While that 415 rep wasn’t deep enough, I figure it’s close enough for someone with legs as long as mine. (Being lanky makes all powerlifting difficult, except deadlift which is easier if you have long arms – but not if your legs are long too).

So I’m going for an athletics goal that’s evaded me all my life, to dunk a basketball on a ten-foot rim. Vertical jump is an important measure of overall athleticism. Unless you’re freakishly tall, dunking on a regulation basket will impress anybody – I don’t care who it is.

I’m not “freakishly tall,” but I’m 6’2 – 6’3 (188 cm). That’s about as tall as the shortest NBA players who dunk in games. However, Spud Webb won the 1986 NBA Dunk Contest (video) at only 5’7 (170 cm)! If he can do it, I can do it.

This is where someone says, “But you’re white.” Ever since White Men Can’t Jump was released in junior high, when I was playing basketball every day at school with the black kids, that phrase has gotten under my skin and cut deep (despite it being a great flick). It’s twisting the knife every time I’m on a court and someone says, “You can’t dunk? Really?”

The next coolest thing to do is finger roll layup then tap the backboard. No matter how cool you make that look, you’re still a white guy doing layups. STL native David Lee aside, I can’t argue until I prove that obnoxious fucking saying wrong. It’s my new goal.

Here’s the strategy.

Plyometrics

I was first introduced to plyometrics by a white guy (shorter than me) from the UMSL pickup games who could dunk. It was the strangest workout I’d ever done, but I could feel it working. It had exercises I’d never heard of like “Calf Jump Curls.” The pullup sets didn’t aim for quantity or added weight, but speed. The program wasn’t designed for vertical jump however. The guy got it from the Rams trainer for the receivers and cornerbacks, so it emphasized overall explosiveness.

After some weeks on that program, I’ll never forget what I did to a dude on the court. After blocking his shot and sending the ball back the other way, as soon as I landed I busted off in a sprint and beat his teammates to the ball, taking it down court for a layup. If that’s ever happened to you, I imagine it’s pretty demoralizing.

Being a little experienced in plyometrics, I knew these were part of the path to achieving a dunk.

Here’s my plyometrics routine, done twice a week:

Squat jumps 2 x 10
Lateral jumps on box 2 x 10 (1 each side)
Tuck jumps 3 x 10
Single leg lateral hops 2 x 10 (1 each side)
Depth jumps 2 x 10

To see animations of these exercises, see the Sports Fitness Advisor page I got them from. To see the bizarre plyometrics routine designed for football speed players, send me an email to webmaster at expat-chronicles dot com. It’s too weird and advanced to post here.

Explosive Strength

You don’t drop strength training from a vertical jump program. However, it’s a different kind of strength that’s emphasized. Some of the plyometric exercises, like High Pulls, were explosive strength exercises. The opposite of explosive strength would be what I call “brute strength,” characterized by slow, grinding reps. Most of what you see in Strongman competitions is brute strength. Most guys who train brute strength favor the bench press and deadlift.

Here’s an example of brute strength in a slow, grinding rep by my friend James pulling 475 at Eagle:

These slow, grinding reps are the meat and potatoes of strength training, but it doesn’t cover all the bases in overall power. Speed and explosiveness are important. Olympic weightlifting, featuring the Snatch and Clean and jerk, incorporate both brute strength and explosiveness.

The explosiveness exercises I’ve chosen to increase my vertical jump are the hang snatch and power clean. The hang snatch is not common at all, but it’s the closest weightlifting exercise to a jump besides actually jumping. It also focuses on upper body explosiveness.

Watch this Chinese powerlifter hang snatching:

I consider the hang snatch more similar to jumping because it doesn’t start from the floor, which actually makes it harder. You can’t hang snatch as much as you can snatch from the floor because there’s less leg drive. I imagine powerlifters training for the snatch by do hang snatches because their legs are stronger than their upper bodies.

If going for a maximum height jump, you’d go down as if starting from the floor, but not if you have a basketball in your hand.

Power clean involves all the muscles of the posterior chain, but the bar doesn’t end up above your head. Watch this amazing 440 lb power clean:

Here’s my strength training routine for increasing vertical jump, done twice a week alternating workouts.

Workout A

Hang Snatch 3 x 5
Squat 3 x 5
1-arm Pushups 3 x 5-10
L-Sits 3 x 10-20 seconds

Workout B

Power Clean 3 x 5
Deadlift 3 x 5
Handstand Pushups 3 x 5-10
Human Levers 3 x 5

I’m still squatting and deadlifting heavy because I don’t want to lose too much mass, which is probably inevitable on this workout.

Some say you start your day with the heaviest lift, others say the most emplosive. I have snatches and cleans first because I want to emphasize them. I put Hang Snatches with Squat because the former destroys the back, so I won’t want to deadlift after that. And since Power Cleans involve the legs, I thought they’d be better off on the day I’m not squatting. Handstand Pushups would be difficult after Snatching since the shoulders would be fatigued, so I put them with Cleans and Deads.

UPDATE – Every time I design a strategy, I end up tweaking it.

Cutting out deadlifts altogether, replacing with another day of squats. I need all the leg power I can get, and no need for brute back strength.
Cutting Hang Snatch and Power Clean reps from 5 to 3. 3×5 is a lot on the nervous system, plus it’s difficult to get 3×5 while increasing weight. So I’m going 3×3.

Flexibility

Plyometrics wasn’t the first time I was introduced to explosiveness training. My first time was when my college buddy Craig, a high school track star who competed at the state level for a 2000+ student high school, taught me how to sprint. One of the many things he emphasized was flexibility, especially for tall sprinters and especially the hamstrings. If you can gain an extra inch on each stride, those inches add up even in the shortest sprints.

Unfortunately flexibility was, is, and always will be my Achilles Heel, but only in the all-important hamstrings. I’m flexible everywhere but there and the adductors. Only a few times in my life have I been able to touch my toes comfortably, and now’s not one of those times. But flexibility’s important in explosiveness, so I’m doing a short routine at the end of every workout.

It’s ironic I’ve ignored flexibility training for so long, since my training philosophy focuses more on functionality than appearance. And for overall health, there are few things you could do as easily, economically, and pain-free as stretching every day for 30 minutes. Countless times I’ve had ambitions to do so, it’s just really easy to procrastinate, skip, and forget.

Powerlifters, strongmen, and even bodybuilders should know that stretching after weight training has been shown to increase gains up to 20%.

Fat Loss

Fat doesn’t move itself, so it’s just weighing down the body’s springiness. Getting as lean as possible is part of any vertical jump training program. This is fairly obvious as, while they do exist, most fat people you know can’t dunk.

This is my most challenging aspect of fitness, because 90% of fat loss is diet. As they say, “abs are built in the kitchen.” 10 years ago if I was anticipating a college spring break at the beach or a Missouri float trip, I was very disciplined. At 32, my dietary discipline’s shit. I just don’t care. If I want two pieces of pizza for an appetizer, then a bandeja paisa, and a giant chocolate bar for dessert, then by God I’m going to have it. And I eat like that A LOT. I love to eat. I love to overeat.

I still stay lean and mean through exercise. I can see my abs year-round. But I still have a layer of fat on me. I’ve only had the “ripped” look once in my life – while boxing amateur and weighing only 175.

This picture perfectly sizes up how I feel when it’s time to burn fat. But I have to do it for this goal.

For fat loss I’ll cut out all starchy carbohydrates. Unfortunately that doesn’t mean I won’t eat any because (A) I live in South America and (B) my aforementioned dietary discipline is shit. But I’ll try.

My fat loss diets mean eating paleo, which I try to do anyway. But paleo with minimum carbs, minimum cheating, fruit every morning, and salad every day.

My salads are good and cheap, and not what most gringos would think of as salad. Most gringo salads are 80-90% lettuce. I sometimes use lettuce, but never more than 20%. I get fresh broccoli, cauliflour, cucumber, red/green peppers, tomatoes, zucchini, and whatever other raw vegetables I can get a hold of. Dice everything up into tiny cubes. Add olive oil, vinegar, salt, and pepper. Serve.

Another fat loss trick I use is intermittent fasting. Intermittent fasting is when you eat / drink nothing but water for 24 hours. This is easier for me to do than refraining from junk food. I’m more likely not to eat at all than to eat only permitted foods. When you fast, your body ramps up its fat-burning hormones before it begins eating away muscle. That’s why you don’t do it more than 24 hours. It’s also important not to eat a shitty meal at the end of the 24 hours. All the strength and conditioning coaches I read recommend intermittent fasting up to twice a week. Not only does it burn fat, it saves money!

Here’s my weekly routine while fasting twice a week:

Monday – Workout A
Tuesday – Plyometrics
Wednesday – Rest
Thursday – Workout B
Friday – Plyometrics
Saturday – Basketball, dunk attempts if I can’t get a game, sprints if I can’t get a court
Sunday – Rest

I hope to dunk by the end of January with this program. I’m very interested in feedback from people experienced in vertical jump training. Also, Jump Manual is the internet authority on vertical jump training. Unfortunately the program costs over $60, and I don’t think it’ll make or break my success. Still, if you have Jump Manual holler. Much appreciated.

New Athletics Goal: DUNK!

When Speaking Spanish Doesn’t Serve

Colin — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 04:03:13 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Alternate Title: Gonzo Crashes and Burns!

Gonzo is a gringo buddy in Bogota. Mikey’s a friend from St. Louis who recently arrived to learn Spanish and gain international business experience. Tetona’s the girl I was seeing at the time of this story.

We all went out drinking on August 5. I remember the date because Colombia had just beaten South Korea in the World Cup U-20, which was hosted in Colombia this year. Hosting the tournament was a great honor for this historically troubled country, and the Colombian team had a good squad, so there was a tremendous amount of energy throughout Bogota and Colombia.

Tetona, Mikey, and I went to meet Gonzo at the Carulla at Calle 85 and Carrera 15. They have a giant screen displayed over almost a square block of flat concrete for a giant crowd to get drunk while watching the game. Gonzo’s from Canada, so I don’t believe he gave a shit about soccer before going expat. However he adopted it and is now a passionate fan. He bought a Colombian jersey he wears every time the national selection plays, and was wearing it on this night.

Mikey and I, on the other hand, don’t give a shit about soccer. I like the energy when the national team plays, so I’m down to party. It’s nice to meet a bunch of friends for beer and guaro with the game in the background. But I don’t necessarily want to actually watch soccer.

That’s why Mikey, Tetona, and I were late in meeting Gonzo at the Carulla. We arrived just as the game ended. Colombia won, so everybody was going crazy and blowing these obnoxious fucking horns. If I could change anything about Colombian soccer fans, it’d be the obnoxious horns they blow. They’re not bad if someone’s not blowing one right next to you. They actually add to the energy and vibe if they’re just going off in your exterior perimeter. But if you go to the heart of the action where thousands of fans were just watching Colombia win, the horns are enough to make your temper short.

I had to get away from the horns so the four of us headed south on 15. Six or seven blocks later it was OK. Gonzo was already wasted from drinking beer and guaro during the entire game with Colombian strangers. Mikey and I tried to catch up. We chose a small bar with a patio.

Next to our table were a group of three girls in nursing outfits. I had Tetona for later but I’m always trying help out hungry homies, so I started a conversation with them. Our groups merged. The boys and girls in play included Gonzo, Mikey, a slim OK looking girl, a chubby but cute girl, and another girl I don’t remember at all.

Mikey is what I’d call “devastatingly handsome.” Any time you’re out on the hunt and meeting girls, one of the girls is always going to want Mikey. It’s inevitable. One night at a salsero I was talking up a couple girls and got bored. I told him to practice his Spanish with them for a minute while I go pour guaro down my throat. I was gone for 3 minutes at most, and when I came back one of the girls was rubbing his arm up and down and staring into his eyes, completely hypnotized by his looks. Some dudes got it like that.

NO HOMO but I’m quite confident women find Gonzo handsome, but not irresistibly handsome. Women don’t throw themselves at him like they do at Mikey, but Gonzo definitely does well. He’s got game. He’s banged women in bar bathrooms, he’s been with a significant number of women, he’s no chump.

Chubbs took a liking to Mikey, so told me Tetona. She said Chubbs licked her lips while looking at Mikey, and that’s a sure sign. Mikey’d been in town a week at most and spoke no Spanish. But if you look like him it doesn’t matter.

Gonzo, who’s been in South America just over a year, didn’t speak much Spanish when we first started hanging out. But he’s taken classes and been immersed in the language, so he’s starting to speak just fine.

Gonzo started acting, well, gonzo. These girls turned out to be gynecology students. He started joking about their job. He imitated looking into a vagina, and used his arms to demonstrate spreading the walls and turning his head all about to look around. Latin men, while they can be hilarious to party with, have a different sense of humor. Latin women aren’t used to jokes like that, and these Latinas’ reaction was positive. Slim-N-OK seemed interested in Gonzo.

Gonzo’s gonzo behavior didn’t let up. At some point he was proclaiming that he worked as a stripper. He stood up and demonstrated what he told them was his main move. He said he stands over the woman’s head, then he squatted down so his ass came to his ankles. He squatted down several times to his ankles and explained he picks up bills from women’s mouths with his ass cheeks. He mimicked the motion of picking up bills with ass cheeks several times. I was laughing my ass off. The girls were shocked but excited.

Our server told us the bar was closing. It was time to move on. Chubbs definitely wanted Mikey, and Slim-N-OK was interested enough in Gonzo that she was willing to come with us to the next bar. The Forgettable-One went home.

I chose the next bar, Cafe Sirope at Calle 60 and Octava in Chapinero. It’s a lounge and primarily a date spot. It has hip decor and good music with videos. It’s the kind of music upper-class Colombians listen to (think Manu Chao). I used to live around the corner from Cafe Sirope. They know me well.

So the six of us – me, Tetona, Mikey, Chubbs, Gonzo, and Slim-N-OK – found a taxi willing to let all of us pile in. I usually sit in front because I’m the tallest, but for whatever reason I had the back-left-window seat with Tetona on my right. Mikey sat in front. Chubbs and Slim-N-OK sat to the right of Tetona, and after they’d squeezed in Gonzo dove in on top of their laps. His arms rested on Tetona’s lap, his head almost reaching the space in front of me.

As soon as Slim-N-OK, who was sitting next to the right-side window, closed the door, Gonzo screamed, “AAAAGGGHHHH, ¡¡¡mi dedo de pie!!!”

He kept screaming as the taxi started toward 60 and 8th, “¡Mi dedo de pie, hijueputa!”

He kept screaming “¡Mi dedo de pie!” He turned to see the girls under him and said, “¡Voy a cagar!” (I’m going to shit).

He went on, “Voy a cagar en tu cara (I’m going to shit in your face) … Voy a cagar rojo (I’m going to shit red) … ¡Sangre, sangre! (Blood, blood!) … Voy a cagar sangre en tu cara (I’m going to shit blood in your face) … Cancer, vas a ver mi cancer! (Cancer! You’re going to see my cancer!) … ” Everybody, except Mikey but including the taxi driver, understood everything Gonzo said.

Always trying to help hungry homies, I implored him in English to chill out. He switched to English, and actually completely moderated his tone to tell me in English with a straight face, “You have no idea how much my toe hurts.” I said something and he replied, “You see that light that’s on?” I noticed that the interior light of the taxi above our heads was indeed on. “That’s because of my toe,” he explained, implying the back-right door hadn’t shut all the way because his toe had impeded its closing.

His moderate English tone immediately went back to crying out in Spanish for the few more minutes until we arrived at 60 and 8th. I ushered everyone into the spot. It was empty, we had the place to ourselves. I chose a table near the back which had three sofas (always helping the homies). Tetona and I settled into the one in the corner (always helping homies). The two gynecology students sat down and I noticed their completely different vibe – very defensive. They had sat down next to each other in the middle couch.

Mikey had bee-lined to the bathroom before I’d even picked a table, and Gonzo was last to the table. The third sofa had no arms, and Gonzo stretched out onto it in a lying position with his feet next to the girls’ sofa. He spread his legs out, opening his crotch and casually laid his head in his hands and, looking at the girls stuck out his tongue in a licking motion. I couldn’t hold back my laughter. He was sexually taunting them. The girls didn’t find it funny. Their defenses intensified.

Mikey came to the table, seeming surprised and disappointed at the seating arrangement. What can you do? I poured beer into my face.

Gonzo sat up and Mikey sat down. I poured beer into my face. Small talk was attempted. It lasted for a beer or two. The shot clock was winding down, and when Slim-N-OK went to the bathroom Mikey made his move. He switched couches to position himself next to Chubbs and slapped his arm down on her thigh. I started kissing Tetona to take some attention off and push the envelope (always helping the homies).

There was certainly a peck, and maybe a quick tongue kiss between the two. But soon Slim-N-OK returned and had to sit down next to Gonzo. Her mood affected Chubbs and it was decided they had to go. We asked for the check. I must’ve gone to the bathroom, because I never heard Gonzo ask Tetona to put the check box in her purse.

Cafe Sirope is a fine lounge, maybe even a “hipster” place on gringo standards. They have elegant boxes to present the check – I’d describe them as painted “jewelry boxes” in English. Gonzo succeeded in convincing Tetona to put the box in her purse while I was in the bathroom.

When I came back we sorted out the bill and left. In the taxi, I don’t remember what Gonzo said but Tetona speaks perfect English. Whatever he said angered her, and she hit him over the head with the box several times. I didn’t know what she was hitting him with. I found out later. When we got back to my place she showed me the jewelry box she hit Gonzo with.

When we all got out near my place, Gonzo got in an argument with the taxi driver over the previously agreed-upon fare. Gonzo insulted him in Spanish, and the taxi driver insulted him verbally and manually before driving off. The girls were so ostracized that Mikey barely got a kiss from Chubbs before they were both in a taxi headed home. Gonzo was pissed about the taxi and all he spent, but I couldn’t stop laughing about everything that happened. We all went our own ways.

After Tetona left the next morning, I called Gonzo to tell him how he shot himself in the foot and also how funny he was the night before. He said he didn’t care because the girls were “fat and ugly.”

I returned the jewelry box to Cafe Sirope.

Ever since that night, I’ve sincerely complimented Gonzo on his progress in Castellano. That’s how, if you’re genuinely an asshole, IT DOESN’T SERVE TO SPEAK SPANISH.

P.S. “Gonzo” regularly leaves negative comments on this site under his real name. Feel free to rip him up!

Not Every Peruana Wants a Gringo

When Speaking Spanish Doesn’t Serve

The Boycott America Challenge

Colin — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 22:10:39 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Alternate Title: My Ugly American Rant Part 2

My first Ugly American Rant focused on America’s influence via its public sector. Our dominating influence comes less from government and more from industry. Don’t think so? Put your money where your mouth is and see if you can live without us.

I’d been working on this idea for years but never published it. Then I came across this passage in Lebanese author Nassim Nicholas Taleb‘s Black Swan (highly recommended book, spawned black swan theory):

Whenever you hear a snotty (and frustrated) European middlebrow presenting his stereotypes about Americans, he will often describe them as “uncultured,” “unintellectual,” and “poor in math” because, unlike his peers, Americans are not into equation drills and the constructions middlebrows call “high culture” – like knowledge of Goethe’s inspirational (and central) trip o Italy, or familiarity with the Delft school of painting. Yet the person making these statements is likely to be addicted to his iPod, wear blue jeans, and use Microsoft Word to jot down his “cultural” statements on his PC, with some Google searches here and there interrupting his composition. Well, it so happens that America is currently far, far more creative than these nations of museumgoers and equation solvers. It is also far more tolerant of bottom-up tinkering and undirected trial and error. And globalization has allowed the United States to specialize in the creative aspect of things, the production of concepts and ideas, that is, the scalable part of the products, and, increasingly, by exporting jobs, separate the less scalable components and assign them to those happy to be paid by the hour.

Taleb published Black Swan in 2007, beating me by four years dammit.

But the point still stands. What would you dear anti-Americanists do without the fruits of our labor? What would your life be like? Give it a shot.

I’m not going to make it so difficult that you can’t listen to the music genres of rock and roll, hip hop, jazz, or blues. The Brits have thoroughly beaten us at our own game of rock and roll; you can listen to them. But no American artists – which would be especially difficult if you’re a fan of hip hop.

I’m the last person to argue for Hollywood movies. I watch less than one movie a month, and if sitting down before 90% of the shit at your local cinema I’d turn it off within 20 minutes. Unfortunately most of you love Transformers and Avatar and Titanic and that shit. You’re going to have to get some culture by watching foreign films and documentaries. And for television you’re going to have to get by on soccer, British news and comedy, and your local productions including culturally and language-adjusted clones of American shows like Yo me llamo (Colombia’s American Idol). ¡Qué pena no se permite Los Simpson!

Entertainment’s not what’s going to trip you up. I shouldn’t have started there. I should’ve scored the first round knockout with technology. That’s right, no Google. No Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, or Yahoo. You have to change your email address if it’s Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo, or AOL. Hardware will be a little easier, but no Apple (I bet 1,000,000 pesos most anti-American snobs have Macs and iPhones), Microsoft, Dell, HP. You can’t use products from any of the Silicon Valley companies that have made the most impact in the last century on how we live our lives today.

You can still have internet and computers. But you’ll have to use a Toshiba or Acer. And your operating system won’t be Windows. You gotta use Linux on your Toshiba. That’s not so bad actually, Linux is the world’s best operating system. But you know your lazy ass don’t want to learn how to use it!

Once you’ve installed Linux on your Acer, and learned how to use it, you’re going to need a browser for the web. Unfortunately that browser won’t be Firefox, Internet Explorer, Chrome, or Safari. It’ll be Opera. To search the web, you can’t use Google, Yahoo, or Bing. Baidu is the most popular search engine after those three. Do a search on that piece of shit for “expat chronicles” – nothing! I don’t know what you’re going to use. I don’t know what social networking site you’re going to use either, but I know it won’t be Facebook, Twitter, Google +, LinkedIn, Orkut, MySpace, hi5, Flickr, Bebo, or CouchSurfing. I don’t know what’s left. May be easier to drop social networking.

If you’re web savvy enough to be social bookmarking, you can’t use Digg, Delicious, or reddit. Fortunately you’ll have a worthy substitute in Canadian-born StumbleUpon, which should please the most fervent anti-Americans I’ve ever met (CANADIANS!). If you have a website, you can’t publish it with content management systems WordPress or Blogger. But you can use Japanese-owned (although American-authored) Movable Type or the Belgian Drupal (ironically the CMS for whitehouse.gov). It should be refreshing to learn that, although recently acquired by Microsoft, Skype was invented by genius Swedish innovator Niklas Zennström.

You’ve realized you can’t boycott America. The country dominates the internet. It’s so one-sided, why don’t you do me a favor and let me know when somebody outside the United States develops some internet shit that matters.

I won’t claim all denim jeans for the boycott. Only American brands aren’t allowed, which you’d probably be better dressed without. But for me, I’d have to replace most of my wardrobe and even get a new style if I weren’t allowed Levi’s, Nike, or Converse (best powerlifter shoes).

As in denim, I won’t claim cheeseburgers and french fries. But you sure as hell can’t eat at McDonald’s or drink Coca-Cola. I don’t consume either, but don’t front because you know there’s a McDonald’s in your town. And it’s profitable. Your countrymen are lining up to pay for that shit more than it’s worth. I can’t even think of a non-American restaurant with presences all over the world. Can you?

You’ve already quit trying. I know. It’s OK. But here’s some more food for thought.

In a 2011 study on the world’s most valuable brands, those highest recognized, 9 of the top 10 were all American brands. You may talk a big game about the end of the United States, but when you vote with your dollar you choose American products again and again and again. The top 10 from the Brandz study:

Apple
Google
IBM
McDonald’s
Microsoft
Coca-Cola
AT&T
Marlboro
China Mobile
General Electric

Many people think China’s taking over the world. They’ve certainly come up, but they’re largely a one-trick pony. They make cheap shit. Boycotting China would be the next most difficult country to boycott, but it wouldn’t be difficult. If you live in a developed country, you’d just have to look at the labels for the stuff you buy at WalMart or whichever store sells cheap shit and, instead of buying the one Made in China, buy the one made in the Southeast Asian country. If you live an a developing country, you just buy the locally-made cheap shit.

Not until China can move past making cheap shit and being the world’s factory floor will they be influencing the world as much as the States. Their big brands like Baidu and that Chinese FB knockoff are only big because (A) their own market’s so big and (B) they face little competition from America and Europe because of (1) the language and (2) willingness to comply with Chinese censorship and other Communist Party of China government bullshit.

They don’t have to develop anything. They just copy what the West puts out and either (A) do it cheaper or (B) translate it to Mandarin. I know many telecommunications professionals in Bogota who complain about Chinese company Huawei. They do zero R&D, but after Nokia or Siemens or whoever develop a new technology like 4G equipment, Huawei duplicates the technology and undercuts price. Chinese industry doesn’t lead, it follows.

I only heard about that Chinese Facebook site because a friend in China sent me a screenshot of this thread. I couldn’t have made that up, HILARIOUS! (the comment in English)

I will give China props for taking more gold medals in the last Olympics, although they were the home team and they didn’t get the most total medals. I also must award props if I wrote three paragraphs on them.

Disagreeing comments welcome as always. But if you’re gonna cry “poor research” then you better back it up with substance and a link to a credible source.

The Boycott America Challenge

Killing Pablo: Summary and Review

Colin — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 05:48:12 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Alternate Title: My Definitive Pablo Escobar Post

Killing Pablo by Mark Bowden, from the jacket:

(buying the book through that link supports Expat Chronicles)

Here is the story of the brutal rise and fall of Colombian cocaine cartel kingpin Pablo Escobar, whose criminal empire held a nation of thirty million hostage – a reign of terror that would only end with Escobar’s death. In an intense, up-close account, award-winning journalist Mark Bowden exposes never-before-revealed details of how U.S. operatives covertly led the sixteen-month manhunt. Drawing on unprecedented access to the soldiers, field agents, and key Colombian and U.S. officials involved in the chase, as well as top-secret documents and transcripts of Escobar’s intercepted phone conversations, Bowden creates a gripping narrative that is epic in scope, a tour de force of investigative journalism, and a stark portrayal of rough justice in the real world.

This book is Colombian history required reading.

MAD SPOILERS

Killing Pablo begins with the 1948 assassination of Jorge Eliécer Gaitán Ayala (whose face is on the 1000 peso bill), which sparked the infamous riot Bogotazo and La Violencia, the civil war that some could argue hasn’t yet ended. Learning about this time in Colombia illustrates the degree of violence the country’s seen. The war was genocidal, it was terrorism, it was indiscriminate killing. Colombia has one of the most violent histories in the world. That time provides context for how a man like Pablo Escobar came to be.

Then the book details Escobar’s early life in Medellin, a normal paisa upbringing during La Violencia. He took to smoking marijuana early and dropped out of school, eventually turning to petty crime. Petty crime turned into stealing cars and kidnapping. As Escobar climbed the criminal ladder, his propensity for violence increased.

Sometimes the victim was killed after the ransom was paid, just to make a point. It was murder, but a kind of murder that can be rationalized … Pablo lived in a world where accumulation of wealth required the capacity to defend it. Even for legitimate usinessmen in Medellin there was little effective or honest law enforcement. If someone cheated you, you either accepted your losses or took steps yourself to settle the score. If you grew successsful enough, you had to contend with corrupt police and government officials who wanted a piece of your profits. This was especially true in Pablo’s new illicit business. As the amounts of money and contraband grew, so did the need to enforce discipline, punish enemies, collect debts, and bribe officials. Kidnapping or even killing someone who had cheated him not only kept the books balanced; it sent a message.

Pablo Escobar became a mass murderer. At the same time he adopted a keen sense of catering to public opinion. Escobar’s credited with the 1971 kidnapping of Conservative industrialist Diego Echavarria, who was wildly unpopular among the paisa lower classes. Echavarria was killed after his family paid the $50,000 ransom. Escobar later became an expert at manipulating the Colombian public.

So Escobar was already an established gangster by the late 1970s when the US market developed a strong demand for cocaine. Escobar’s known as a cocaine kingpin, but he lent little to the production, smuggling, or sale of the drug. He rose to the top using violence or the threat of violence. He became the boss because he was the most feared.

Escobar was among a cadre of narcotraffickers who quickly amassed great wealth. Their excesses were jaw-dropping (most famous was Escobar’s personal zoo, of which the hippos were killed soon after I moved to Colombia). Escobar wanted more than money, he wanted honor and adulation. He doled out huge amounts of money on public works for the poor. In 1982 he was elected a substitute congressman (in the National Congress!).

The first day of the new congressional session, with Escobar present, newly appointed justice minister Rodrigo Lara, a politician whose pet issue was going after drug money’s influence in government, denounced Escobar on the floor of Congress:

Morality is one thing … but it is another thing when somebody runs a campaign exclusively with these funds … [We have] a congressman who … through astute business deals in bicycles and other things, appears with a gigantic fortune, with nine planes, three hangars at the Medellin airport, and creates the movement ‘Death to Kidnappers,’ while on the other hand, mounts charitable organizations with which he tries to bribe a needy and unprotected people. And there are investigations going on in the United States, of which I cannot inform you here tonight in the House, on the criminal condust of Mr. Ortega’s alternate.

Soon after, national newspaper El Espectador published mugshots of Pablo Escobar from a 1976 arrest. Weeks later, ABC-TV aired a documentary naming Pablo Escobar as the top cocaine trafficker in Colombia.

[Escobar's] fall from grace was hard and fast … Pablo was publicly denounced by Galán and kicked out of the New Liberal Party … [T]he revelations of past arrests and new arrest warrants were too much to overcome.

Escobar’s Terror Campaign Begins

The Colombian public soon became familiar with what the Medellin underworld had long known about Escobar’s brutality:

Lara was murdered three months later. Riding in his chauffeur-driven Mercedes in northern Bogota, he was hit by seven bullets from a machine pistol wielded by an ex-convict on a motorcycle … The bullet-proof vest given him by U.S. ambassador Lewis Tambs was found on the seat beside him. It probably would not have helped.

El Espectador editor Guillermo Cano Isaza wrote:

For some time now these sinister men have managed to create an empire of immorality, tricking and making fools of the complacent, doling out crumbs and bribes upon them while a cowardly and often entranced populace stood idly by, content with their illusions and entertained by stories of their jet-set lives.

Soon after publishing that, Cano was assassinated outside his office.

By the end of 1987 there were killings in the news almost every day in Bogotá. The new U.S. ambassador, Charles Gillespie, began warning Washington that the escalating violence in Colombia was threatening to topple the state, and the National Security Council began preparing a “comprehensive national strategy” to shore up the government.

In May 1989, Pablo’s men set off a car bomb in Bogotá alongside a vehicle carrying General Miguel Maza, the head of the DAS. Six people were killed and fifty more injured. The wheels of Maza’s car melted on the asphalt in the heat of the blast, but the sturdy general, who was leading the hunt for Pablo, stepped out unhurt.

On August 18 [1989], a sicario with a Uzi submachine gun shot down [presidential candidate] Galán as he made a campaign speech before supporters in Soacha, a town southwest of Bogota. Three months later, in an effort to kill Galán’s successor candidate, César Gaviria, his men planted a bomb on an Avianca airliner, blowing it out of the sky. One hundred and ten people were killed, including two Americans.

That same day, Escobar hit men killed Antioquia police colonel Waldemar Franklin. Also killed in 1989 were the Unión Patriótica presidential candidate José Antequera, El Espectador lawyer Hector Giraldo, Bucaramanga radio newsman Luis Vera, judge Martha Gonzales’s father, Medellin reporter Jorge Vallejo, Antioquia governor Antonio Roldan, superior tribunal magistrate Carlos Valencia, and more.

That same year, Forbes listed Escobar as the seventh-richest man in the world with $25 billion.

Changing Attitudes in Washington

Around the same time, American public opinion turned strongly against cocaine with the crack epidemic and Reagan’s “Say NO to Drugs.” Plus, the power the traffickers wielded was destabilizing the region. The Cold War was still on, and US officials worried socialist regimes would get in bed with the cartels. A photo of Escobar’s cocaine being shipped from Nicaragua emerged (1980sSandinistas‘ Nicaragua).

After ten years of Plan Colombia, using US military to combat drugs doesn’t seem outside the box. But in the 1980s it was unprecedented. The new political implications led the US government to consider Escobar a “clear and present danger.” The potential for teaming with socialists set the stage. The Americans killed in the Avianca bombing sealed the deal. The Bush administration successfully made the legal argument that Escobar could be targeted for military assassination.

Over the next five years, the United States would basically underwrite a secret war in Colombia … The U.s. might have been considering acting unilaterally, if necessary, but Bush clearly preferred cooperation from Colombia.

Bloque de Busqueda

Colombia formed the Bloque de Busqueda, the Search Bloc, a special police force with the sole aim of apprehending high profile Medellin Cartel figures, namely Pablo Escobar. The force was headed by Colonel Hugo Martinez.

Finding Pablo would be especially daunting, not only for his brutality. The seventh-richest man in the world, Escobar “practially owned Medellin … including much of its police force …” For this reason no paisas were allowed in the Search Bloc, not that many wanted in. This probably kept corruption at bay, but it didn’t make for effective policing in Medellin. Imagine a similar police force in Texas comprised only of non-Texans.

In the first two weeks of its inception, Escobar killed 30 of the Search Bloc’s 200 men.

Centra Spike

For years the US had CIA and DEA agents operating in Colombia. For Pablo they introduced US special ops team Centra Spike.

Centra Spike was designed to offer an array of support intelligence, but its primary specialty was finding people. Eavesdropping on radio and telephone conversations from the air, its members were capable of pinpointing the origin of a radio or cell-phone call with amazing accuracy within seconds.

Planes flew around Medellin listening for Pablo and other Medellin Cartel leaders’ voices on radio or satellite phones. Their conversations were listened to by native Spanish-speaking US soldiers and recorded for Colonel Hugo Martinez’s Search Bloc.

The men of Centra Spike are really interesting. Bona fide spies. A bit on them:

Centra Spike’s team lived in hotel rooms, moving frequently … They avoided restaurants and bars and did their professional best to blend in colorlessly. Secrecy was not just Centra Spike’s protection; it was an essential part of its strategy. So long as their target remained unaware of Centra Spike, the unit would hear and see a lot more. In time, the unit’s goal was to electronically infiltrate the cartel and crawl inside the heads of the men who ran it. Only a handful of people at the U.S. embassy, the ambassador and the CIA station chief, and maybe one or two trusted aides, knew …

A colorful paragraph on the lifestyle of a Centra Spike agent:

When it was impossible to penetrate an organization with a spy, Centra Spike could get inside from a distance, placing “ears on a target.” It still meant that guys like Jacoby would have to move in and stay, often in very dangerous places. In San Salvador, members of the team would leave their hotels in the morning and drive to their airport base as fast as they could go, speeding ninety miles an hour through railroad underpasses where guerrillas liked to lob grenades. For techies like them, few jobs offered the same mix of intellectual stimulation and heart-pounding danger and excitement. If a detachment of Marxist guerrillas was hiding in the hills of Nicaragua, there wasn’t time to do laboratory experiments and write papers and wait for peer reviews. Centra Spike had to come up with a way to find them and track them, for as long as necessary. The unit had ample funding to move fast, adapt, and improvise, and its members enjoyed the urgency and importance men feel when others’ lives depend on their work. Add to that the sense of doing good, of making the world a better place, of serving the United States of America. The work was so compelling that it had undone more than one marriage in the unit, and made some of the men strangers to their children.

In short, Centra Spike provided intelligence which Colombian forces acted on. Much of it was time sensitive, as in, “He’s at this location – GET HIM!” Centra Spike’s first target was cartel lieutenant Jose Gonzalo Rodriguez Gacha, who they pinpointed at a finca near Bogota. They passed the info to Colombian president Barco, who ordered the air force to “destroy the finca and everyone in it.” The leading pilot spotted a nearby pueblo, making the mission too dangerous to civilians, so the attack was called off last minute.

But this illustrates how Centra Spike’s intelligence fed Colombian law enforcement, although usually in the form of on-the-ground raids which ended in the target being “killed in shootouts with police.”

Escobar’s New Terror Campaign and Manipulation of Public Opinion

As seen earlier, Escobar had a sense for public opinion. He saw himself as a man of the people, an average paisa from Antioquia made good, battling the power elite in Bogota. The national government and press industry is centered in Bogota, and closely linked. Power’s passed between a small club, as in the rest of Latin America. Current president Juan Manuel Santos is from such a family. His great uncle was a former president and owner of El Tiempo.

Escobar’s next move was to pressure the powerful families in Bogota, “We will begin to go for the oligarchs and burn the houses of the rich.” Soon after the inauguration of president Cesar Gaviria, who ran on a hawkish platform against cartels, Escobar kidnapped journalist Diana Turbay, daughter of former president Julio Turbay, plus four members of her news team. He then kidnapped El Tiempo editor Francisco Santos and the son of the paper’s owner. Not done, he kidnapped Marina Montoya, the sister of president Barco’s top aide; Maruja Pachon, sister-in-law of assassinated presidential candidate Galán and wife of a prominent congressman, and the sister of the congressman.

Escobar and other traffickers billed themselves “The Extraditables,” and began to play on anti-gringo sentiment and nationalism to repeal its extradition treaty. Extradition to the US was their biggest fear; they believed they could always manipulate justice in Colombia, but not America. He started a letter writing campaign to the public making the case for outlawing extradition in a rewriting of the Colombian Constitution. He claimed his “detentions” of media and government figures were in response to atrocities in the slums of Medellin committed by the Search Bloc.

A new group sprung up, “The Notables.” The Notables were powerful Bogota figures in favor of striking a deal with Escobar. The group comprised of relatives of the kidnapped civilians being held hostage by Escobar. The Notables, who were from president Gaviria’s same social circle, pressured him. They argued the drug traffickers should be treated as revolutionaries like M-19 as opposed to criminals.

At the same time, Escobar’s bombing campaign in Bogota plus the continuing violence in Medellin (he had an open 5 million peso award for any police officer killed) began to weigh on the Colombian public. They wanted an end to the violence. The pressure on the president to strike a deal was immense. In Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s words, “Gaviria stood, pale as death.”

Surrender, Imprisonment, and Escape

The Colombian Search Bloc, US special ops, and the embassy were pissed when Escobar’s strategy worked. They were on the verge of catching him in Medellin; they’d narrowly missed him twice. But on the day Colombia outlawed extradition, Pablo Escobar turned himself in. Some of his hostages were killed, but most were released.

Pablo’s “confession,” part of his deal with the state, would ignore the kidnappings, the murders of Turbay and Montoya, the thousands of car-bomb victims, political victims, murdered judges and police officers … Pablo acknowledged only one crime: acting as a middleman in a French drug deal arranged by his dead cousin Gustavo. In purely legal terms, he did not even admit he was guilty of that. He had been tried and convicted in absentia by French authorities, and, according to Pablo’s carefully crafted statement “That country’s penal code … gives one the right to apply for a revision of their case, when they appear before their national judge, in this case a Colombian judge. This is precisely the objective of my voluntary presentation to this office, in other words, to have a Colombian judge examine my case.”

Escobar thought he’d eventually get the conviction tossed by a Colombian judge. In the mean time, he and other Medellin Cartel figures would serve time in La Catedral, a prison he built for himself which the government had agreed to. The prison was outfitted with big screen TVs, stereo equipment, waterbeds, and more. They regularly had women brought in (normal in Latin American prisons). Search Bloc officers weren’t allowed within 100 meters.

The prison guards were no more than Pablo’s employees, and the army checkpoints just waved Pablo’s trucks through. The inmates facetiously referred to the regular truck route as the “tunnel.” To have plenty of cash on hand, Pablo shipped in tightly rolled American hundred-dollar bills in milk cans, which would be buried in the fog of dawn at places around the prison. Two of the cans, each containing at least $1 million, were buried under the soccer field. A bar was installed, with a lounge and a disco. For the gymnasium there was a sauna. Inmates’ “cells” were actually more like hotel suites, with living rooms, small kitchens, bedrooms, and bath. Workmen began constructing small, camouflaged cabanas uphill from the main prison. This i where Pablo and the other inmate intended to hide out if La Catedral was ever bombed or invaded. In the meantime, the cabanas made excellent retreats, where the men entertained women privately. Brightly colored, surrealistic murals were painted on the walls and ceilings of the cabanas, as in the classic sixties-era dopers’ lairs, complete with black lamps and Surround Sound. Food was prepared for them by chefs Pablo hired away from fine restaurants, and once the bar and disco were up and running, he hosted many parties and even wedding receptions.

-

He had a powerful telescope placed on the balcony overlooking Medellin, which opened up beneath his feet like a personal fief, so that he could see his wife and children at any of their various homes below. They visited him often at the prison. A small play area was built for Manuela, with a big playhouse stuffed with toys and dolls … Family and friends dined on stuffed turkey, caviar, fresh salmon, smoked trout, and potato salad …

-

It was not a normal prison in other ways. Pablo, for instance did not feel obliged to actually stay. He rarely missed an important pro soccer game in Medellin – police would block off traffic to allow Pablo’s motorcade easy access to and from the stadium he had built years before – and he was sighted shopping in a fashionable Bogota mall over the Christmas holidays.

Today, La Catedral is a tourist attraction.

Being on the run was bad for Escobar’s business. His own organization had problems and the Cali Cartel were making gains. Being locked up in his own prison actually created a safe haven for Escobar to shore things up. He began house cleaning, ordering killings from the prison. Two cartel chiefs visiting him at the prison, who’d fallen out of his favor, were killed there.

When he heard of the killings, around the same time embarrassing photos of the prison luxuries surfaced, President Gaviria ordered Escobar moved to another prison. Justice Ministry lawyer Eduardo Mendoza was charged with the task. When he arrived at La Catedral to meet the squad which would take the prison, the general refused to assault the prison. After some calls back to Bogota and local discussion, it was decided that Mendoza would go in alone. Inside, Escobar took Mendoza hostage for breaking their agreement.

When word reached the president, the media had already begun covering the happenings. The local general refused to storm the prison, so the president ordered a special force to Medellin to take the palace. By the time they arrived and led the assault, Pablo and most of his crew had walked down the hill, cut holes in the wire fence, and escaped. A joke at the US embassy after this incident:

How many Colombian prison guards and soldiers does it take to let Pablo Escobar escape?

400. 1 to open the gate and 399 to watch.

Delta Force

With Pablo on the loose, the hunt was back on. He continued bombing Bogota. Colonel Hugo Martinez was called back to lead Search Bloc. Centra Spike resumed flying over the country listening to phone conversations. President Gaviria was publicly humiliated, and now wanted all the gringo help he could get. Washington green-lighted whatever it took. Delta Force, some of the baddest men on the planet, were sent in.

However, Delta wouldn’t be used to kill Escobar themselves. They were there to teach the Search Bloc best practices leading assaults and other military tactics. The US decision makers still didn’t want American soldiers pulling triggers.

Los Pepes

After a horrifying bookstore bombing in Bogota from Escobar, in which twenty-one mostly children were left dead, a hacienda owned by Escobar’s mother was burned down. Buildings housing Escobar family were bombed. Escobar’s non-criminal associates – bankers, lawyers, etc. – started getting assassinated all over town.

Los Pepes were a vigilante group that sprung up in 1990. “Pepe” stands for Perseguidos por Pablo Escobar – Persecuted by Pablo Escobar. They were most likely headed by relatives of the Medellin cartel figures killed at La Catedral, financed by the Cali Cartel, and it’s generally accepted that Colombian police and the Search Bloc made up much of the rank and file.

A name, the existence of an organized cell of Colombian citizens bent on destroying Pablo Escobar, would strike fear into those associated with or related to the fugitive, if not to Pablo himself. To amplify the menace they needed to advertise, use the media. Their initial appearance was electrifying and started a national guessing game about their identity. Ambassador Busby thought the group had the look of a classic military “psy-op,” or psychological operation, but he didn’t know whose it was.

…

Los Pepes added new life to an effort that seemed to be going nowhere. A formidable array of enemies were now closing in around Pablo. The effort up until now had been devoted to finding Pablo himself and, in effect, to plucking him off the top of his mountain of financial, legal, and organizational supports. Now the tactics had shifted. Officially and unofficially, Pablo’s enemies had begun to take down the mountain.

By all accounts, Los Pepes were effective in tearing down Escobar’s protective infrastructure. This had been a dirty war for years. It was only a matter of time before Escobar’s terror tactics came back on him. It’s easy for a bleeding-heart liberal to cry foul, but we don’t know what would’ve happened without Los Pepes. If I were a Colombian police officer in the Search Bloc at that time, I’d have been a Pepe.

Los Pepes acted on the same info Centra Spike had passed on to the Search Bloc, and their assault tactics resembled those that Delta taught to the Colombian police. There was major concern among US officials that Delta would be linked to Los Pepes. US forces training extrajudicial death squads – that kind of stuff makes great fodder for American imperialism rants. But this was a dirty war.

Leveraging Escobar’s Family

The CIA prepared a psychological profile of Escobar based on the recordings of his conversations.

Escobar does seem to have genuine paternal feelings fro his children, and the young daughter Manuela is described as his favorite. His parents were once kidnapped by a rival group, and Escobar apparently spared no effort or expense rescuing them. Whether his concern for his parents or his children would overcome his stringent security consciousness is not clear.

If the CIA knew that, his former Medellin Cartel partners certainly knew too. In 1993 Los Pepes were killing people associated with Escobar daily in Medellin. They began making public threats against his family.

Escobar tried to fly his family to Miami. The US embassy revoked their visas on the grounds that children couldn’t travel to the US without both parents. The family was met at the Medellin airport and stripped of their visas.

Escobar continued bombing Bogota, but not as fast as Los Pepes continued killing his relatives and associates. The US embassy worked to deny Escobar relatives safe havens. Peru publicly stated no Escobar relative could enter even as a tourist. Costa Rica deported back to Colombia a few relatives who had successfully entered the country, as did Chile. Escobar’s immediate family succeeded in boarding a flight to Germany, but they were stopped and detained for hours in the airport terminal. It was decided they couldn’t enter Germany and flown back to Colombia.

Escobar grew more desperate to protect his family. His teenage son became his main contact. They spoke daily. They were careful in their communications, but Centra Spike continued listening and trying to pinpoint the father.

The End

Escobar was eventually pinpointed and a police team stormed the house. He fled through a window onto a neighboring roof, where he was gunned down. He took a shot in the leg and torso, but the kill shot entered his right ear and out his left. No ballistics were done, but it’s assumed the shot was delivered point blank. There are conspiracy theories that a Delta sniper may have fired that shot, but most believe whichever officer first arrived to the fallen Escobar executed him. If you were a cop, could you blame him?

This photo, which graces the cover of the book, was published in Semana magazine. It caused a controversy in Colombia because the fella on the right is a gringo. The Colombian public was not aware of gringo involvement in the hunt for Pablo.

However, the actual killing of Pablo did not involve any gringos. Centra Spike did not provide the intel that led to Escobar’s location. Colombian intelligence and Colombian police finally caught him. The closing of the deal was a 100% Colombian operation, although gringos were in tow.

An Ode to Colombian Hero Hugo Martinez

The hunt for Pablo Escobar is a great story, required reading for gringos living in Colombia. It’ss chock full of heroes, people who gave their lives for Colombia: Lara, Cano, Galán, scores of Colombian police officers and civilians.

But, for me, the most amazing story was that of Search Bloc leader Colonel Hugo Martinez. I can’t imagine the balls it took to publicly head the search for the biggest killer on the continent in recorded history. He literally entered a death match with the odds stacked against him.

The job of heading up the Search Bloc was supposed to be a rotating position each month because of how dangerous it was. But the bosses quickly retracted that and Martinez ended up the only one. His family was repeatedly targeted by Escobar.

Adding more to Martinez’s story is his son, Hugo Jr., who followed his father’s footsteps into the military. He specialized in surveillance, and he ultimately led the Colombian eavesdropping efforts. Hugo Jr. was personally the one who finally zeroed in on Pablo and called in the raid. It’s a story right out of Hollywood, but it’s true.

Martinez has been subject of criticism for orchestrating Los Pepes and other brutality. Who gives a shit? I take my hat off to father and son.

Fun Facts

Author Mark Bowden is also from St. Louis.

Bowden also wrote Blackhawk Down about the US Marine raid in Mogadishu, Somalia. Blackhawk Down‘s a bad ass movie.

Killing Pablo is being developed into a movie, hopefully as bad ass as Blackhawk Down.

This era comprised The Mick‘s first years in Colombia. His first years outside prison were during Pablo’s bombing campaign in Bogota.

Pablo Escobar, as do many paisas, enjoyed sex with adolescent girls.

Escobar didn’t drink or snort much, but he smoked weed every day all day.

Escobar, according to Bowden, “was very articulate, and even though he could slip into the familiar paisa patois, he usually used very clean Spanish, free of vulgarity and with a vocabulary of some sophistication, which he was fond of sprinkling with English words and expressions.”

“Clear and present danger” is the title of the Escobar-inspired book and film by Tom Clancy. At 15 I thought the movie was cool. Now it’s inarguably the cheesiest manifestation of Colombian stereotypes, although it made a point about the state of affairs at the time. Scenes from the film are featured in the hilarious YouTube satire, COLOMBIA: Would you take the risk?

There’s a Pablo Escobar Tour today in Medellin.

The History Channel did a documentary on Killing Pablo. The whole program is published on YouTube. Watch the first of ten parts.

Buy Killing Pablo on Amazon (using that link supports Expat Chronicles).

Fernando Botero’s depiction of the Escobar’s killing:

Read my narcoterrorism article.

Killing Pablo: Summary and Review