1. “Jeepers Creepers” from Jeepers Creepers (2001)

Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those peepers?
Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those eyes?
Gosh all git-up, how’d you get so lit up?
Gosh all git up, how’d it get that size?

Undeniably, this is the jazziest song in my list. It’s been covered by everyone from Louis Armstrong to Ella Fitzgerald to Siouxsie and the Banshees. In the film Jeepers Creepers, Trish and Darry are warned by the mysterious psychic Jezelle that whenever they hear the song it means they’re in danger, and that it’s also the key to understanding the mysterious creature called the Creeper. I’m not sure that the song ever really helps in explaining the Creeper, as the only connection between the two seems to be the fact that he has a thing for stealing eyes. But that’s enough for me, as I would have been very disappointed if it turned out that you could dazzle the Creeper into submission with jazz hands.

2. “Hey You!” from The Mummy’s Curse (1944)

Hey, you
With the naughty eye
When you pass us by
We just have to cry
“Hey, you! Yoo-hoo!”

Deep in a Louisiana bayou, the mummy of Princess Ananka is resurrected in the form of beautiful woman when an excavation team exposes her to sunlight. “Cajun Joe,” the team’s foreman, takes her, for some inexplicable reason, to Tante Berthe’s Café where Tante Berthe herself sings the folk classic “Hey You.” The song sets the exotic, alluring mood for the film, and also heralds the imminent demise of both Tante and Cajun Joe. Ananka’s mummified hubby isn’t about to let his ancient bride be subjected to Cajun crooning. Why the mummy is in a Louisiana swamp to begin with is anybody’s guess, as its prequel, The Mummy’s Ghost, ended in Massachussetts. Lon Chaney, Jr. apparently hated this film, and it ended the Mummy franchise at Universal Studios for several decades. Still, I’ve always liked the Cajun vibe of this film.

3. “Your Eyes See But My Shadow” from Phantom of the Opera (1989)

Your eyes see but my shadow
My heart is overflowing
There so much you can learn to love
You’re not content knowing
Tenderly you could see my soul

The current stage version of Phantom gets all the glory, but Robert Englund put aside his striped sweater to play the part of Erik, the brilliant composer turned monster who makes a deal with the devil in exchange for the perfect song for his opera Don Juan Triumphant. Naturally, the deal goes south and his face melts off as soon as the song is complete. The song, called “Your Eyes See But My Shadow,” is lost for decades until an up and coming opera singer needs a break and rediscovers it. To be honest, this film is a pretty lousy version of Phantom, but the song is actually quite good. As is often the case with catchy diddies, anyone who hears it in the film is likely to die in a freak stage accident involving scaffolding and sandbags. While I wouldn’t go so far as to say that the song is good enough to justify having your face horribly disfigured, it’s undeniably the best part of the film.

4. Freddy’s Lullaby from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you.
Three, four, better lock your door.
Five, six, grab your crucifix.
Seven, eight, gonna stay up late.
Nine, ten, never sleep again.

I don’t know why lullabies are so inherently scary. Perhaps it’s because they remind us of how strange and uncanny sleep really is–something children seem to know, even if adults learn to forget it. Most traditional lullabies have a surreal and even violent subtext that equates sleep with death, or suggest that mysterious things happen during the night when we’re asleep and vulnerable. Wes Craven taps into all of these fears in the original Nightmare, a film that scared me as a kid far worse than other films of that era. That was due in no small part to this creepy lullaby often sung by jump-roping children and always a portent of Freddy’s arrival.

5. “In Dreams” from Blue Velvet (1986)

A candy colored clown they call the Sandman
Tiptoes to my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper
“Go to sleep everything is all right.”

It’s amazing that this film can turn such a classic, if saccharine, song into something so utterly depraved. The sexually ambiguous Ben initially does a bizarre pantomime version of the song, but it’s Frank’s recitation of it to Jeffrey before savagely beating him that makes it so horrifying. He delivers the song’s lyrics, after dosing himself with a powerful hallucinogenic gas, with such emphasis and force that he seems to insist that there’s a hidden message in it, or that it might give Jeffrey the answers he’s looking for. None of this is true, but the fact that Frank thinks so makes him—and the song—all the more frightening.

6. “Nights in White Satin” from Halloween 2 (2009)

Nights in white satin, never reaching the end,
Letters I’ve written, never meaning to send.
Beauty I’d always missed with these eyes before.
Just what the truth is, I can’t say anymore.

In his version of Halloween 2, Rob Zombie uses the classic Moody Blues song to symbolize Michael’s insanity and his powerful attachment to his dead mother. And it means a whole lot of hurt for anyone in the film who hears it. The song is very effective in setting an eerie tone for the film, and Zombie also uses it to establish the film’s use of white as symbol for oblivion. To that end, he also includes an archetypal white horse, which, as he explains at the beginning of the film, is a universal symbol for instinct, purity, rage, chaos and destruction. In much the same way, the television show Twin Peaks used a white horse to symbolize heroin addiction and the loss of reason. In Melville’s Moby Dick, the white whale symbolizes both god and death. None of this is even remotely relevant to John Carpenter’s Halloween or any of his original characters, and I don’t think Rob Zombie gives a rat’s ass. “Nights in White Satin” is still an awesome song though.

7. The cell phone ringtone from One Missed Call (2004)

This little ditty has no lyrics at all, but it’s a strangely haunting song, and the kind of tune that gets stuck in your head and you can’t remember its name. The original Japanese version of the song is far better in my opinion. It reminds me of a child’s music box that’s somehow playing underwater, or after it’s been badly damaged. As far as I know, the song is unique to the film, and not a traditional lullaby. Here’s a little fact that I didn’t know until writing this post: Corey has this ringtone assigned to my incoming calls.

Related posts:

1. The Phantom of the Opera (1998)

Pick of the Week

Nine Dead (2009)
A masked maniac locks nine strangers in a room together and reveals that he will kill one of them every ten minutes until they can figure out the factor that connects them all. As the clock starts to tick, the desperate prisoners scramble to solve the malevolent mystery in time to save their own lives.

Possession (2007)
An adaptation of the 2002 Korean film Addicted, this thriller stars Sarah Michelle Gellar as a young woman whose husband and brother-in-law each fall into comas. When the brother-in-law comes back to consciousness first, he acts as if he is her husband, making her more and more uncomfortable. Soon she begins to suspect that unnatural forces are working against her.

Tales from the Dead (2008)
Pay a visit to the darkest corners of the human soul with this terrifying horror anthology. The first tale follows a newly-reunited family as they uncover a dark secret about their happy home. The shocks keep coming when an underworld accountant runs into an unexpected problem while attempting to set his books straight, and later a materialistic businessman discovers that time is the only thing he’s running short on. The anthology winds to a close when an unrepentant black widow encounters a pretty young girl on a lonely country road.

Dead Life (2005)
Dead Life concerns a virus that wipes out the living and then resurrects the dead as zombies. Maxx saw the effects of this virus as a child when his father succumbed to it. Many years later Maxx finds himself defending his hometown from a new strain of the deadly virus.

House of Fears (2007)
Unrest star Corri English headlines this haunted house shocker about a group of teens forced to confront their most primal fears. All they wanted was to experience a cheap thrill or two by exploring a house that was said to be haunted, but after discovering an exotic artifact these six teens will become trapped in a labyrinthine house of unimaginable horrors. Will anyone be left to tell their horrifying tale when the morning sun ascends over the horizon, or could this evil be powerful enough to consume them all body and soul?

Haunted Echos (2008)
Their eight year old daughter abducted from their home and brutally murdered, grieving parents Guy (David Starzyk) and Laura Dykstra (Sean Young) attempt to move on with their lives by restoring an old home. Little did they realize their nightmare was just beginning.

Clownstrophobia (2010)

Tremors: The Complete Series (2003)

ROT: Reunion of Terror (2009)

new on blu-ray

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of March 10th, 2009
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of March 17th, 2009
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of March 29th, 2009

• 80s Tahi Horror Movie Posters That Will Melt Your Face
  I09
  I’m partial to the one of They Live, but the ones for Evil Dead are just as awesomely strange
• 10 Reasons Why They Live Is So Freaking Cool
  Day of the Woman
  “Roddy piper is a straight up one-lining bamf.” Amen to that, sister.
• “Rowdy” Roddy Piper Talks They Live!
  The Vault of Horror
  This is just plain awesome. I grew up watching the guy kick ass in the ring, and then on the big screen in one of the finest horror movies of the 80s. During interviews, including this one, he’s an intelligent, well-spoken, generous guy. Thank you B-Sol!
• Rant: The Current State of Horror Blogging
  I Love Horror
  Whether you agree with the argument or not, every horror blogger should read this post, which is part rallying cry, part manifesto.
• Planet Comics
  NAME OF WEBSITE HERE
  The July 1945 issue of Planet Comics is entitled “The Lost World” and it reminds me a little of Dead Snow, except the Nazi-esque zombies are from another planet.
• Horrifying Oscar Predictions!
  Kindertrauma
  The folks at Kindertrauma have made Oscar predictions using an intriguing horror-themed logic.
• Killer Tracks
  Final Girl
  A list of Stacie’s “five favorite WTF? horror movie songs.”
• Poetic Death
  Slasher Speak
  The book is “a collection of poems told from the viewpoints of the victims of a fictional mass murderer.” It’s a terrifically clever idea, and I really wish Vince would have posted his poem appearing in the anthology (or at least a few lines of it). But I suppose I can wait until I get my hands on a copy.
• Martyrs Movie Posters
  Final Girl
  “Still wrapping my head around Martyrs, trying to figure out what I’ll say when I finally write about it.” I can’t wait to hear what Stacie has to say about it, but until then, she’s kind enough to let us gawk at some of its bizarre and interesting posters.
• Little Ladies Love Retro Posters
  Club Silencio
  “Giant gross men, little bodacious women.” This is the strangest collection of movie posters you’re likely to see in a long time. The folks at Club Silencio are mad geniuses for thinking of it.

email suggestions for next week’s community highlights to jon@evilontwolegs.com

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – February 5, 2010
2. Horror Community Highlights – January 22, 2010
3. Horror Community Highlights – January 8, 2010

6. plant goo from space, CREEPSHOW

stephen king isn’t much of a director or an actor, but the one exception to this is his incredibly humorous portrayal of simple-minded jordy verrill in CREEPSHOW. jordy is in dire financial trouble (he’s behind on a $200 loan from the bank). he thinks he’s struck gold when he stumbles across a meteorite, reasonably wondering “how much they’ll pay for this up the college?” unfortunately for jordy, the meteorite contains a fast-growing plant-like organism that quickly consumes everything it touches. his home, belongings and eventually even he himself becomes completely covered in the moss-like substance, leaving jordy few options not involving watering himself or trying to get a gig as a chia-pet spokesman. while leading credence to the panspermia theory of how life arose on earth, this story ends rather pessimistically for our planet’s current residents with the organism slowly spreading outward from jordy’s home, destroying and/or covering everything in its path.

5. biollante, GODZILLA VS BIOLLANTE

no one creates and/or revives gigantic, destructive monsters quite like the japanese. see if you can follow this… after a particularly brutal rampage by godzilla, clean-up crews collected several pieces of his skin. a scientist decided it would be a good idea to try to make more resilient and hearty crops by splicing godzilla’s dna found in the skin into plants. other nations disapproved of this obviously brilliant idea, and bombed the japanese scientist’s lab, killing the scientist’s daughter in the process. in a rather sweet (but also creepy) move, the scientist splices his daughter’s dna into a rose bush in the hopes of preserving some aspect of her. years later, with the rose bush dying, the creepy father/scientist decides to try to keep the plant alive by splicing in godzilla’s dna as well (making this a rose/daughter/giant monster bouquet, which is roughly the same thing has having a loving child). unfortunately this doesn’t go so well, and the flower turns into a giant, slobbering monstrosity named biollante, complete with tusks and vines with mouths. godzilla and biollante roll around for a while on model buildings, but the fight ends up roughly a draw with godzilla sinking into the ocean and biollante turning into a bunch of space spores (while not yet confirmed by toho, those spores may have given rise to another of godzilla’s adversaries — space godzilla!). biollante is some-what reminiscent of audrey ii in appearance, but is larger, more dangerous, more mobile and has much less of a singing voice.

4. pods, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS

of all the evil plants listed here, these are probably the least outwardly violent but also the sneakiest. like little green crouching tigers, space pods sit patiently, waiting for you to be at your most vulnerable. once you’re asleep, their creepy little tendrils slink out and digest you, leaving a near perfect duplicate in your place. the resulting ‘pod people’ are identical to the originals, except they are devoid of emotion, are set on world domination, screech a lot and are communist (well, at least metaphorically). approaching the whole taking over the world thing from a “change the system from within” approach is indeed a clever plan, which is surprising given the idea came from a bunch of plant pods. still, you can’t come down too hard on the pods because regardless of which version of the story you watch, their plan seems to be very effective, besting even the likes of david sutherland and jeff goldblum.

3. leaves, THE RELIC

i’ve seen THE RELIC a few times, but i still don’t fully understand the plot. to the best of my understanding, there are these south american leaves that contain a mutating virus. coming into contact with these leaves will slowly turn you into a cgi rhinoceros-thing that tears up museums and has an insatiable hunger for said leaves, human hypothalamuses (hypothalamusi?) and tom sizemore. this creature, known as the mbwun (literal translation: “he who walks on all fours;” more useful loose translation: “he who just ate your brainstem“), is basically the result of a particularly unfunny practical joke the natives play on white men who come into their jungle and try to take their statues. moral of the story? do not go to south america and try to take other people’s statues.

2. trees, THE EVIL DEAD

while most of the plants on our list are content to just take over the world, dissolve you into your base minerals or smash you to a pulp, the kandarian demon possessed foliage of sam raimi’s THE EVIL DEAD kick things up a notch by trying to rape you. i suppose we’re lucky this idea never occurred to audrey 2 or biollante, but that will likely do little to comfort someone when they’re being felt-up by a pine tree. in THE EVIL DEAD, the trees actually leave cheryl alive after their encounter, but no one (not even her brother, ash) believes what happened to her. while the crimes of these trees may pale objectively in comparison to the murderous world-destroying antics of some of the other plants on this list, THE EVIL DEAD trees get our #2 spot because, come on — raping your sister? in terms of evil vegetation, this shit just got personal.

1. vines, THE RUINS

i made THE RUINS my #1 horror film of 2008 and i’m making its central villain #1 on this list as well because THE RUINS didn’t just make plants scary — it made them terrifying. playing off our fears of nature, disease and bodily intrusion, the vines from THE RUINS are the stuff of nightmares. without warning, they can drag you off into some dark, moist area and drink you alive… and that’s if you’re lucky! if you’re not, they’ll slowly grow into a wound, take root within, drive you insane and eat you from the inside out. fun!

so yeah — while you shouldn’t f with any of the plants on this list, personally i’d much rather face a hungry tomato, a druid god, a singing venus fly trap, or even an old-fashioned tree rapin’ before i got anywhere near the ancient architecture loving botanical bastards from THE RUINS.

Related posts:

1. Eleven Horror Movie Plants With Whom You Should Not F
2. Horror Community Highlights – September 4th, 2009

11. the kingdom plantae, THE HAPPENING

it’s never stated exactly which plants are targeting people with a suicide-inducing neurotoxin, but the implication seems to be just about all of them. scientifically unsound, it’d hard to believe that rose bushes and pine trees both evolved the same toxin simultaneously — but that’s not really this film’s biggest problem. the larger issue is a horror film that asks you to be afraid of chia pets. still, if this were to really happen you would be wise to find a way to appease our new leafy overlords as there appears to be little you could do to avoid the effects of this neurotoxin — except wait a few days for this new evolutionary adaptation to disappear. as they are apparently prone to do, in fantasy worlds designed around m. night shamalamadingdong’s fourth grade understanding of botany.

10. the family tree, POLTERGEIST

take POLTERGEIST as a lesson, kids — if your dad tells you that thing you’re afraid of is nothing to worry about and that you should actually be comforted by it — know that the object of your fear is definitely going to try to eat you. soon. luckily for robbie, the killer tree in the front yard was just a distraction to suck carol anne into the closet of phantasmagorical sucking, but that doesn’t mean that the creepy tree outside your window isn’t dead set on making you into a late night snack. to creepy trees, all you are is a little pajama-clad, blood-filled twinkie.

9. audrey ii, LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS

while it isn’t rare for plants on this list to crave human blood, it is unique to this entry that the plant in question can talk, (and in most versions) sing and dance. while audrey ii started off cute enough sucking drops of blood from seymour’s fingers, he/she quickly becomes a force to be reckoned with, demanding more fresh blood and freshly murdered singing dentists to satisfy his/her appetite. while seemingly destroyed before completing his/her plan to spread his/her seeds across the planet in the 1986 film version, audrey ii is more successful in the original stage play, apparently succeeding in killing seymour and starting a world-wide plantegeddon. while this is true of many of the plants on this list, the basic lesson here appears to be “don’t screw around with plants from outer space.”

8. druid tree god, THE GUARDIAN

while the druid tree god may seem like a good buddy to have in the beginning of this film (when the forest stops a nanny from being raped), especially given that its female followers tend to get naked surprisingly often. however, its desire for human infant sacrifices revealed later in the film is probably a deal-breaker. as far as deadliness goes, the druid tree god is actually kind of a push over. just remember to a) not feed it any infants and b) bring a chainsaw.

7. tomatoes, ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES

while many films keep the plant based threat hidden until mid-way through the picture, the threat from tomatoes is stated quite clearly in this film’s opening song. as it says, “they’ll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you, chew you up for brunch, and finish you off for dinner or lunch!” that doesn’t give you a lot of wiggle room for survival, or so it would seem in the earlier parts of this send up of b-movie classics. as it turns out, tomatoes (or at least those of the “killer” variety) share a devastating weakness — they shrink and become incapacitated when they hear the song “puberty love” (or, in at least once case, simply have the sheet music for the song shown to them). while it’s fairly unlikely you’ll be involved in a killer tomato related altercation, it’s probably best to have “puberty love” loaded on your ipod, just in case.

keep your roundup handy for next week, when we count down the final six plants that you wouldn’t want to run into in a dark greenhouse.

Related posts:

1. Eleven Horror Movie Plants With Whom You Should Not F (part 2)
2. Jon’s Holiday Horror Movie Revue

Reading Corey’s answers, I found out some interesting things regarding the genesis of Evil on Two Legs, one of Final Girl’s oldest and raddest cyber-friends. SOME VERY INTERESTING THINGS. What I didn’t find out, however, is why he eschews capital letters so very much! Oh well, next time.

1) What’s the key moment that led you to click that “Start Your Blog” button?

Eo2L originally existed in 2000 as a more traditional website with reviews and articles dealing with the slasher genre, organized by film. It lasted for a few years until I shut it down, due to a lack of time to devote to it. (The following is absolutely true, and not just me brown-nosing.). In 2007, I came across finalgirl.blogspot.com and began reading it chronologically from the beginning, leaving comments as I went. I was impressed by the combination of a highly personal and conversational writing style with the focus on a singular subject matter (horror films). Days later, when I got caught up to the current post, I decided that, with the help of my best friend Jon, I was going to resurrect Eo2L as a horror blog focusing on slasher films. So yeah. Basically, I ripped you off. Sorry ‘bout that.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases “morbid”, “aesthetic”, and “electromagnetic”.

Like most horror blogs, Eo2L is a contradiction. Devoted to an undeniably morbid topic (the cinematic portrayal of young adults being murdered by masked psychopaths with sharp objects), our site approaches this subject matter with humor, passion and a cartoony visual aesthetic. Many of the anagrams for the name of our site (e.g., Loveliest Gown, Legit Snow Love), like many of those for the word electromagnetic (e.g., Arctic Melee Tong, Tentacle Crime Go!, Cancer Gem Toilet), make little sense but would be great titles for the prequel to John Carpenter’s The Thing.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I’m always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered “bad”? Why or why not?

The biggest crime a film can commit is being dull. I enjoy almost any film that holds my attention, regardless of why. It’s fantastic when that reason is talented filmmaking, but I can’t deny that I’m mesmerized by inept storytelling, nonsensical plots and bizarre direction (e.g., H2 or anything by Dr. Uwe Boll).

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It’s true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It’s horrible.

This sounds like a decent setup for a made-for-television SyFy thriller. Jimmy Buffett could direct, star in, and write a song for it. Maybe call it Carnivoritaville?

Holy fucking shit, Stacie can’t stand Jimmy Buffett!

5) What’s the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Is that the front of the pants or the back? Depending on which, it’d either be Halloween (1978) or Friday the 13th part VII: The New Blood.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

Not a huge fan, but this question prompted me to look her up on IMDB. Did you know she’s the only female in John Carpenter’s The Thing? She’s the voice of the chess computer. That’s the kind of juicy role you can only get by being married to the director.

Corey’s time in High School was…well, it was weird.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

Three words: Sexy Sidebar Widgets.

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

While they quickly changed their age requirement and put strict restrictions on what could and could not be asked for, the Make-a-Wish Foundation grudgingly granted his wish for 100 abandoned warehouse real estate holdings, a dedicated team of electrical and mechanical engineers, 10 pig masks and (I quote) “a spiffy red/black cape that doesn’t make me look fat.”

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they’re so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don’t, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching “deviant” entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we “belong” and we’re truly part of a group.

Horror films are, in many ways, comparable to roller-coaster rides. You get all the positive aspects of a traumatic experience (excitement, adrenaline, etc.) without the inconvenience of actually dying. There’s also something to be said for the idea that horror films are a way to deal with our fears in a controlled setting that, logically, offers little danger but emotionally feels quite real. Death is, of course, the ultimate fear – and maybe horror films allow us to come to a better understanding of it. Or, less optimistically, perhaps they strengthen our own personal denial of death since we experience it through the characters in films over and over again, and yet are still fine once the credits roll.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

1981 is the bee’s knees. In addition to being THE year for slasher films (Halloween 2, My Bloody Valentine, Friday the 13th part 2, The Burning, The Prowler) 1981 also gave us Saturday the 14th. Case closed.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

I know, right? It’s like they took a film canister and filled it with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a bunch of croissants, two servings of crazy and ten servings of awesome and shook it all around.

12) What’s your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Or Jaws.

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie’s Halloween?

They’re big Nazareth fans?

Love does indeed hurt. So do knives. And sometimes, love hurts just like a knife.

14) What are your funereal wishes?

Um, eternal life? Unless that involves sparkling in the sunlight.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It’s not like she’s really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

You’re a weirdo. In a good way.

16) You’re on a sinking ghost ship that’s being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

“LSD is not as fun as I was hoping.”

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

That’s a relief. I was beginning to wonder.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

Yeah, try www.aaa-chemicals.com and search fo… HEY!

19) Weren’t you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

Dude, that was Sa-WEET.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

Like most Gen-Xers, I loved the 1980s. And I’m pretty fond of our current one, actually.

21) Would you rather be:
1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

“5) a Jaws” made me laugh, but I’d have to go with #1. Assuming the “no sparkle” rule from before.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

What am I supposed to do, sit around and wait for you? And I can’t do that-there’s no turning back. I need time to move on, I need love to feel strong ’cause I’ve had time to think it through. And maybe I’m too good for you. Ohh. Oh.

I’d like to caption this with “Which witch is which?”, but that wouldn’t make sense.

23) What’s something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn’t ask?

If we’d known how many leg fetishists Google would mistakenly filter to our site – we might have chosen a different name.

Related posts:

1. Welcome to Evil On Two Legs
2. Welcome
3. Blog Awards!

Pick of the Week

Dead Snow (2009)
A group of Norwegian friends get the scariest history lesson of their lives during a weekend getaway to the snowy town of Øksfjord, where the party is interrupted by throngs of Nazi zombies who once occupied the area. Armed with a machine-gun-equipped snowmobile, the gang fights for survival in director Tommy Wirkola’s quirky horror, shot on location in the mountains of Norway. The film had its U.S. premiere at the 2009 Sundance Film Festival.

Sorority Row (2009)
When a prank results in the accidental death of a Theta Pi sister, the sorority’s members keep the crime under wraps. But as graduation rolls around, a masked killer begins stalking and slaying the girls responsible for the death. Someone is out for revenge, but who could know about their dirty little secret? Stewart Hendler directs this slasher flick that stars Jamie Chung, Rumer Willis and Audrina Patridge.

The Box (2009)
Screen siren Cameron Diaz and former X-Man James Marsden star in the supernatural horror picture The Box (2008), directed by Donnie Darko cult fave Richard Kelly. The film’s premise involves a strange and ominous box granted to a young couple by a mysterious stranger (Frank Langella). They are informed that pressing various buttons on the box will grant them riches while killing a person unknown to them in the process.

Colour From The Dark (2008)
When poor Italian farmer Pietro (Michael Segal) and his troubled young sister-in-law, Alice (Marysia Kay), awaken a strange force at the bottom of their well, an otherworldly color creeps through the landscape and — at first — brings the family good luck. But soon the sinister color plunges the farmer and his clan into a terrible form of madness. Ivan Zuccon directs this film based on a story by pioneering horror-fantasy writer H.P. Lovecraft.

Edgar Allan Poe’s The Pit and the Pendulum (2009)
Edgar Allan Poe’s riveting tale of horror grips the screen again as the mysterious Dr. JB Divay (Lorielle New) takes seven college students to a creepy former mental asylum to prove her theory that the pain threshold can be controlled with hypnotherapy. The fun and games turn serious as the students begin to die and others are compelled to engage in unusual sexual pairings. David DeCoteau directs this homoerotic take on the classic tale of terror.

The Caretaker (2008)
Topher (Andrew St. John), Ricky (Diego J. Torres) and Snail (James Immekus) plan to surprise their homecoming dates with a trip to an isolated orchard, the supposed home of a killer known as the Caretaker. Since it’s also Halloween, there’s sure to be a few tricks in store for the ladies. This teen slasher flick co-stars Jennifer Tilly as an inappropriately amorous teacher and Judd Nelson as an overprotective dad.

Open Graves (2009)
When hotshot surfer Jason (Mike Vogel) and his wave-riding pals decide to play a curious old board game they stumble upon, they quickly learn the game’s dark secret: The winner gets a wish, but the loser dies a mysterious and grisly death. Now it’s up to Jason and his girlfriend, Erica (Eliza Dushku), to destroy the game and end its curse once and for all. This horror film from director Álvaro de Armiñán co-stars Naike Rivelli and Alex O’Dogherty.

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009)
Things get freaky fast for 16-year-old Darren Shan (Chris Massoglia) when his friend (Josh Hutcherson) takes him to a circus that’s chockfull of sideshow oddities. There, he meets vampire Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly) and receives a life-changing bite on the neck. As the newest member of the mysterious Cirque du Freak troupe, Darren keeps company with Madame Truska (Salma Hayek) and sparks a war between the vampires and their rivals.

new on blu-ray

• Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead
• The Crazies (1973)

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of February 2nd, 2010
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of February 9th, 2010
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of February 16th, 2010

• The Wolfman Remake – Just Why?
  No Room in Hell
  
• The Wolfman Coughs up a Furball
  All Things Horror
  
• Dear, The Unborn: A Letter
  Final Girl
  Written as a break-up letter, this is hands-down the funniest review I’ve read all year.
• Encyclopedia of Weird Westerns
  Zombo’s Closet of Horror
  If you’re curious to know more about that particular sub-genre called “Weird Menace Western,” then look no further.
• February Fracas: Hearts Will Bleed
  Vegan Voorhees
  Check out these personal ads from some lonely horror film slashers.
• Things I Love to Do: A List Inspired by Horror Films
  Day of the Woman
  I always suspected that BJ-C had interesting pastimes and hobbies. Here’s the proof.
• Bloggenaire: Arbogast on Film
  Final Girl
  With questions like “What’s the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?” and “Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.” — this is one of the most entertaining interviews you’re likely to read until Stacie posts another one.
• Battlin’ Bears – Chaney and Crawford
  Dr. Gangrene’s Tales from the Lab
  An interesting biographical piece on one of horror’s founding actors.
• The Stepfather: Paternal Instincts of the Familiar Kind
  Slasher Speak
  This is a terrific review of The Stepfather remake, and it also has something smart to say about remakes in general.

email suggestions for next week’s community highlights to jon@evilontwolegs.com

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – February 5, 2010
2. Horror Community Highlights – January 16, 2010
3. Horror Community Highlights – March 5, 2010

1. Freddy and Tina in Return of the Living Dead (1985)
Even though the smoking-hot, zombie version of Trash gets a lot of on-screen attention, all of my sympathy goes to Freddy. He’s a decent enough kid who’s simply trying to distance himself from his miscreant friends by holding down a respectable job and spending quality time with his best girl Tina. But Freddy is one of those lovable losers who just can’t ever seem to catch a break. He has what must be the world’s worst first day on the job at the Uneeda Medical Supply company when he’s infected with the zombie-inducing Trioxin. All through the terrible ordeal that follows, Tina stands by her man, up until the point that he tries to eat her. In a way, it’s a testament to Freddy’s undying loyalty to Tina that he only wants to eat her brain. Still, Tina has no choice but to lock him up in the chapel and abandon him. Even though it’s part of the funeral home, I can’t help but think of it as a symbolic wedding chapel and, sadly, a reminder of what could have been for this young couple.

Relationship Status: Nuked from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

2. Curt and Julie in Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993)
This movie gives its audience a new twist on the classic Romeo and Juliet story. Young Curt is madly in love with Julie, but his father’s job in the military is forcing them to move to a new town. So Curt, playing the part of the reckless teenager to perfection, runs away with his best girl, nothing between them but the shirts on their backs, a run-down motorcycle, a packet of Twizzlers and a hard-on. But their brief moment of teenage bliss is cut short when Curt crashes his motorcycle, killing Julie. But Curt wont’ give up just yet. He remembers seeing a strange chemical where his father works that seems to bring the dead back to life and, of course, tries it out on Julie. It’s the sort of rash, irresponsible thing that any good Romeo would do, and, like Shakespeare’s play, this film is a parody of teenage melodrama in a world that has failed to give them a safe place to act it all out. But this film asks questions that Shakespeare never dared. For instance, zombie-Julie loves Curt, but does she love him enough to stave off her hunger for human brains? And does Curt love Julie enough to stick with her, even though she’s now a self-mutilating, brain-eating ghoul? In the end, love does conquer all, as Curt and Julie would rather die together in an industrial furnace than live apart.

Relationship Status: In a burning ring of fire.

3. Michael and Luda in Dawn of the Dead (2004)
One of the many strengths of this movie is the way it turns into a profound character study that examines, among other things, just how loyal we are, or should be, to our families and fellow human beings. This is painfully evident in the relationship between Michael and Luda. Michael may be selfish and a petty criminal, but he loves his wife and protects her, even after she’s been infected, and even if it means risking the lives of everyone else trapped in the mall. I suppose the message here might be that love always trumps other ethical considerations, or that love can sometime blind us to the uglier truths around us. Andre refuses to see his newborn zombie-baby as anything other than his baby girl and will kill anyone who tries to hurt his zombie family. It’s a profoundly sad testament to the fact that the ties that bind can also destroy us, and that even our best human instincts and emotions can become dangerous and depraved. In a way, that’s what the best zombie movies are all about.

Relationship Status: Shot through the heart. And the head.

4. Gwen and Steven in Dance of the Dead (2008)
It’s now a truism, and something of a rallying cry, that “vampires don’t sparkle.” I would like to amend that by adding “but zombies sure can dance.” At least, that’s the case in this terrific parody of all the maudlin, saccharine teenage melodrama that Twilight takes all-too seriously. In the film, a high-school prom in Georgia in beset by hordes of zombies, which, when I think back to the awful awkwardness and boredom that was my own Junior prom, is probably a welcome reprieve. At any rate, it gives all the high school misfits and outcasts the chance to seize the day. The centerpiece of all this is the relationship that develops between Gwen and Stephen. Steven could never muster enough courage to ask her out, and Gwen would have never said yes, but all that changes during the zombie attack. Gwen has developed such strong feelings for Stephen that she confides in him that she’s been bitten and infected, and then pulls him into the high school bathroom for the mother of all frantic, teenage make-out sessions. In the middle of it, she turns into a zombie and bites him, turning him into a zombie as well. The two then proceed to passionately devour each other. The entire scene is punctuated by the swelling crescendos of the song “Wait” by the British power-pop band Junk. It’s a silly, grotesque scene that somehow manages to both parody and pay tribute to the emotional power of teenage romance.

Relationship Status: Consumed by love.

5. Denise and Danny in Zombie Honeymoon (2004)
Wedding vows specify “until death do we part,” but does that allow for zombie-ism? Part parody, part serious character study, this film uses zombies as a vehicle to explore the uncertainties, hopes, fears, and life-changing effects involved in a new marriage. All of these emotions are crystallized after Danny seems to die and then mysteriously recovers, and Denise realizes just how much her life now depends on this person she’s married. In one of the more moving scenes in the movie, Danny proves just how much he’s committed to making a new life with her by quitting his job and selling their apartment. But their commitment is really put to the test as Danny’s behavior becomes increasingly horrific, to the point that he begins feeding on their friends. In some ways, this is a parody of how much you change after marriage, as Danny was a devout vegetarian before all this. But this film is also a more serious exploration as to how much change one partner is willing to tolerate in the other. Denise’s mother warned her, “you hurt the people you love,” but what is the limit that she’ll endure? In the end, Denise stays with Danny for as long as she possibly can. And in doing so, this becomes a sentimental and sometimes poignant story about a relationship that love can’t salvage.

Relationship Status: Currently separated.

6. Shaun and Ed in Shaun of the Dead (2004)
There are a lot of dysfunctional couples in this film – Shaun and Liz, David and Diane, Shaun’s mother and step-father – and much of the film is about sorting it all out. It’s also about how Shaun finally finds some momentum and direction in his life. But, more than all of that, it’s a love story that celebrates the power of the bro-mance. Sure, Shaun “gets the girl,” and settles down into adulthood, but the film’s greatest triumph is that not even a nagging girlfriend, or problems with paying the rent, or a zombie apocalypse, or even death itself can disrupt the powerful male bond between Shaun and Ed. This film is a tribute to that particular kind of loyalty that guys instinctively understand, even if their girlfriends never will.

Relationship Status: Happily ever-after.

Related posts:

1. Watch Zombie Girl for Free
2. James & Nathan Make a Porno plus Zombie Product Placement
3. Zombie Girl: The Movie

Pick of the Week

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)
It’s back: The flesh-eating virus that decimated a cabin full of coeds is on the loose again. This time around, a high school prom is ground zero for the epidemic in this horror sequel directed by Ti West. Thanks to a local stream being contaminated during the first outbreak, the bottled water being distributed at the high school dance is causing the unwitting students to break out in ghastly blisters and sores.

She’s Crushed (2009)
The morning after is acutely uncomfortable for Ray (Henrik Norlén), who engages in a one-night stand with innocent-looking Tara (Natalie Dickinson) and then tries to move on. Tara doesn’t see things his way, and she takes lethal measures to keep the passion alive. In this horror-thriller directed by Patrick Johnson, tortured soul becomes torturing avenger as Tara sets about obliterating from Ray’s life anyone who might compete for his attention.

Red Hook (2009)
Despite her better judgment, college freshman Jenny (Christina Brucato) reluctantly agrees to join her new friends in a New York City scavenger hunt. As the group receives mysterious text message clues, they’re sent to dark, dangerous corners of the city. Soon, they realize that this is no innocent game, and winning could mean the difference between life and death. Terrence Mann, Hollis Scarborough and Frankie Shaw co-star in this thriller.

Freeway Killer (2009)
This is the terrifying true story of William Bonin (Scott Leet), the notorious “Freeway Killer” who, from April 1979 to June 1980, was responsible for the murders of at least 16 young men along the streets and highways of Los Angeles. As disturbing as real life gets, this low-budget horror thriller brings a gritty, you-are-there quality to the ghastly proceedings while showing a flesh-and-blood monster and his accomplices in brutal action.

The Fiend (1971)
An emotionally disturbed cult member loses grip on his sanity and sets off on a killing spree.

Scream (1983)
Not to be confused with another Scream — that of a jubilant Wes Craven when he went to the bank in 1993 with the release of his popular horror film — this much weaker Scream was never heard at the box office. Like in many a similar film, a most thick-headed group of dullards go hiking for the weekend, this time in a remote Western ghost town. Once there, they end up joining the ghosts, one by one. As they sit waiting for the next victim to be bumped off, a horseback-riding stranger comes into town. He entertains them with a story of his seafaring days nearly a half-century earlier and then rides off — but not for long. Apparently that was the intermission.

Art of the Devil 3 (2008)
A black magician attempts to offset the toll that dark power has taken on his body by forcibly removing the power of a dark deity from the bodies of other humans who have absorbed it in this sequel to the hit Thai horror film Long Khong (aka Art of the Devil 2).

Hellhounds (2009)
Director Rick Schroder tries his hand at horror with this nightmarish shocker about an ancient Greek warrior attempting to rescue his wife’s soul from the underworld while fending off the hounds of hell. His bride Demetria (Amanda Brooks) poisoned on their wedding day by a jealous rival, crestfallen Kleitos (Scott Elrod) rallies the troops and storms the underworld, where Hades has already laid claim to Demetria’s soul. The deeper Kleitos and his warriors venture into the underworld, the greater the danger of falling victim to Hades’ snarling pack of vicious hellhounds, who are quickly closing in from all sides.

Phantom Racer (2009)
A demonic racecar driver returns from the dead to seek revenge against his former rival.

I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle (1989)
Bad taste slasher-movies never had it so good. In this horror/comedy movie, the film’s hero purchases an antique motorcycle. Somehow, the bike gets a taste for blood, and behaves in every respect just like a traditional vampire (shunning crucifixes, etc.). It also has a taste for human and animal flesh, and is given to dismembering its victims.

Breaking Nikki (2009)
When a call girl agrees to pose as a john’s ex-wife, she becomes caught-up in a sick revenge fantasy that quickly turns deadly.

Cabin Fever: Director’s Cut (2002)

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of February 2nd, 2010
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of February 9th, 2010
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of February 23rd, 2010

the house of the devil

the house of the devil is a beautifully shot film that, true to the 1980s films it so carefully emulates, is a slow-burn tension builder with an explosive third act. everything about this film, such as the opening/closing credits, the film stock “look” and the inclusion of dated fashion statements like acid-washed jeans and handmade friendship bracelets are carefully crafted to make this film seem like it was made in the mid 1980s. the film’s promotion has even gone so far as to even include a vhs copy of the film in certain dvd bundles. despite a slow and suspenseful build-up in the first hour of the film, the pay-off in the film’s finale is disappointingly unsatisfying. while i detest over-explanation, there is such a thing as being too vague and just stubbornly refusing to answer important plot questions. add in that the film’s final reveal is a bit confusing and contradictory, and you’re left with a decent little thriller that, while it wouldn’t have made my ‘best of’ list for 2009, is still worth a look. it’s also worth noting that it also serves as a nice cautionary tale to would-be minions of the dark lord: if you’re a virgin-sacrificing demon-worshiper, you really should take up boating or something and learn to tie a damn knot.

pontypool

after hearing so many good things about pontypool, i was really looking forward to it. difficult to find for rental, i broke down and ordered a copy from amazon to satisfy my zombie-lust for what brad mchargue called the best horror film of 2009 and entertainment weekly named the 19th best zombie film of all time. i really wanted to like this film, and as the first third of film played out, like it i did. but then something happened. as the horror ramped up in the plot, it became clear that we were never actually going to witness the horror… we were only going to hear about it. the film takes place almost entirely within a radio station which, if handled really well, would be fine. however, the events being described by witnesses and news reports sound so much more interesting than what happens in this film’s single location with its three ridiculously undeveloped and unsympathetic characters.

you may have heard that this is ‘a thinking person’s’ zombie film. and, in many ways, that is true. the central concept of the film is a zombie-like virus that spreads to people not through bites and bodily fluid, but through language. metaphorically rich, the film uses this idea to comment liberally on politics, the nature of communication and pop culture, and as a reason to pose various philosophical hum-dingers. what it doesn’t do, though, is insert all these “messages” into an engaging, believable story with tense situations and sympathetic characters. by the end of the film, the characters are really little more than mouth-pieces for whatever philosophical or political satire the filmmakers wanted to push forward. at one point in the film, a doctor climbs through an open window (in a building the other characters had allegedly locked down due to the rampaging hordes outside) and immediately begins spouting exposition into the radio station’s microphone. it’s like the writer said “well, we need someone smart to explain all this linguistic/pseudo-science mumbo-jumbo, so let’s just have a scientist crawl through a window and start spouting explanations with no rational motivation for doing so — i’m sure no one will notice.”

don’t get me wrong — there are some good, original ideas in pontypool. mixing complicated linguistic, psychological, philosophical and political concepts, i’ve seen the film described as “what you’d get if noam chomsky made a zombie movie” (if that was my description, i might mention richard dawkins as well). throwing all of that into a zombie scenario is a brilliant concept, but, at least for me, it takes more than just an interesting idea to make a film compelling. with no character development, no scares, no tension and unbelievable dialogue and character motivations, the “message” of the film seems to be the only thing that the filmmakers care about and that makes the whole film come across as intellectualized art-school masturbation. If you’re that focused on putting forward your political and philosophical ideas, then maybe it’d be better to make a documentary, write a linguistics journal article or call in to a political talk-radio show than frame it in a horror film. oh, and the ‘epilogue’ the film shows after the credits made me want to microwave the dvd. and then jump up-and-down on it. and then throw it out into the snowmegeddon that was crushing washington, dc at the time.

i tried really, really hard to like pontypool, but just couldn’t manage to do it. however, you should take that opinion with a grain of salt, seeing as i seem to be in the minority on this one and i’m the guy who thinks jennifer’s body is the best horror film of 2009.

zombieland

call me an uneducated simpleton, but after being disappointed by pontypool, i put in zombieland and said to myself, “yeah, this is more f’ing like it.” from the opening credits i knew i was going to love zombieland… and that proved true all the way through, up to and including the brief after-credits zinger. perfect casting (thankfully they recast emma stone in the role previously slated for mila kunis), super-charged zombies, and a surprising amount of heart for a film so filled with action and laughs, zombieland would have easily made my “best of 2009″ list (likely right below drag me to hell). woody harrelson is hilarious as the bad-ass southern zombie slayer, and jesse eisenberg’s awkward, but oddly likable wuss complements him perfectly. my favorite part of the film, however, has to be the placement of the zombie “rules” within the zombieland world itself. what could have broken the fourth wall and pulled you out of the film turns out to be a primary source of the film’s humor and charm. highly recommended. want a sequel. now.

Related posts:

1. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Saw VI Gets Smacked Down by a Ghost Edition)
2. Nazi Zombies!
3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (gore & Megan Fox edition)

Pick of the Week

Dead Tone (2007)
A seemingly innocuous pastime involving fun-loving collegians and prank phone calls turns into a lethal cat-and-mouse game in this blood-drenched fright fest starring Rutger Hauer and Brian Hooks. While vacationing at a secluded mansion after finals, a group of university students dials random telephone numbers and tries to unnerve the person on the other end. But their fun is short-circuited when one of them unwittingly connects with a slasher.

The Stepfather (2009)
Mom’s (Sela Ward) new boyfriend, David (Dylan Walsh), isn’t quite right and Michael knows it. A series of mysterious events leads the teen to suspect that David might in fact be a dangerous serial killer known for preying on families. Now, all he needs to do is gather evidence before it’s too late. Nelson McCormick directs this spine-tingling remake of the 1987 thriller based on the real-life story of killer John Emil List.

Stephen Romano Presents: Shock Festival (2009)
Screenwriter and Shock Festival author Stephen Romano takes viewers on a sexy, sleazy ride though the wildest horror and exploitation flicks ever produced with this collection of vintage and original movie trailers. In addition to a feature-length exploitation trailer marathon, Romano and friends offer up an entire collection of “fake” movie trailers based on the fictional posters featured in his book. An additional horror film trailer collection is sure to terrify, and dozens of rare television spots take viewers right back to the time when grindhouse cinemas were the lifeblood of 42nd Street. Finally, fire up your MP3 player to experience over 300 digitally re-mastered radio spots from the 1970s and 80s, two of the hottest decades in horror film history.

The Brotherhood V: Alumni (2009)
The pretty alums of Sunnydale High receive invitiations for an unexpected reunion at their old alma mater, where the fallout from an unsolved murder on their prom night comes back to haunt them, and some unlucky grads soon join their dead classmate. Even amidst the bloodshed, these randy co-eds find time for some serious carnal activity in this gay-themed horror thriller from director David DeCoteau, who also helmed The Brotherhood I-IV.

Night of the Flesheaters (2008)
The cheating wife of a powerful crime boss and her handsome archeologist hitman lover battle an ancient evil in a cursed forest populated by demonic Native American zombies. With the vengeful kingpin in hot pursuit, the desperate couple finds their car destroyed by the Stone Man, an indestructible force with a hunger for human flesh. But surviving on foot won’t be easy, because in this forest every step you take could be your last.

Satan’s Wife (1977)
The Devil’s daughters find their fates conflicting in this satanic shocker from Italy. The Prince of Darkness seduces four gorgeous women, spreading his seed so that his scourge may take human form. When Almarisa discovers that she is literally the spawn of Satan, her intense self-loathing prompts her down the path of destruction. Daria, on the other hand, couldn’t be more delighted with her diabolical roots. Using her powers to toy with mankind, the mischievous hell spawn soon finds herself confronted by a dubious exorcist who may possess the power to banish her to the underworld forever.

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of February 16th, 2010
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of February 23rd, 2010
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of February 2nd, 2010

• New Zombie Flick from 300 Producer: A.D. Teaser and Film Poster
  Zombie Info
  Hell, yeah!
• Female Villains in Horror: Annie Wilkes
  Fascination with Fear
  In honor of Women in Horror Month, this is a well-crafted tribute to the character that Kathy Bates made famous.
• Women in Horror Month Extravaganza: What if Norman Bates Had Been Norma?
  Day of the Woman
  BJ-C promises this is the first in a series of “What if ______ had been a Woman,” and I hope she’s right, because this post is awesome, and I’d love to hear what she has to say about Jason, Freddy, Hannibal Lecter, and the Jigsaw Killer, just to name a few.
• Black History Month Day One: Duane Jones
  The Horror Digest
  This is the first in a series of posts in honor of Black History Month. This post, in particular, is an insightful analysis of one of the most memorable and important characters in horror film history.
• Hide Your Nips from the Booby Trapper
  Horror-Movies.Ca
  Oh, wait. What?
• Awesome Movie Poster Friday – the 1977 Edition
  Final Girl
  Posters of Suspiria that I’ve never seen before make me very happy.
• The Year in Horrror: 1977
  Final Girl
  This is part of Stacy’s ongoing retrospective, and it proves just how awesome it was to be alive in 1977 (even if I don’t actually remember it, because I was still in diapers).
• Not Calm. So Not Calm.
  Arbogast on Film
  Arbogast has written incredibly rich analysis of the soundtrack to Silent Night, Deadly Night, and it makes me wish he’d write a book on the role of music in horror films.
• Halloween II
  Kindertrauma
  I’ll admit that I was worried that Unk wouldn’t be able to pull off this comparison between Shirley Temple’s character from The Blue Bird and Laurie Strode from Zombie’s Halloween 2. But I’ll be damned if he didn’t, and brilliantly so! This is a terrific look at how Zombie changed Laurie’s character.
• The Brain-Bats of Venus
  The Golden Age of Comic Books
  [pun] I’m a sucker for vintage horror. [/pun]

email suggestions for next week’s community highlights to jon@evilontwolegs.com

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – February 19, 2010
2. Horror Community Highlights – March 5, 2010
3. Horror Community Highlights – October 29, 2009

1. Nightbreed (1990)
I love this film (and Clive Barker’s novel Cabal on which it’s based), but I think Nightbreed was a missed opportunity. This film really needs a sequel, because despite some problems with plot and pacing, it has so many intriguing characters with little or no development plus a rich mythology of which we are only given a small glimpse. I’m a fan of the Hellraiser series, but Nightbreed has far more material for a franchise, so a sequel should be a walk in the park. The film has a strong cult following, but it never got a fair shake because for some reason the studio billed it as a slasher film, and I’ve always heard that Barker wasn’t happy with the finished product. Nightbreed left the door wide open for a sequel that could focus on just how Boone will fulfill his destiny as Cabal, as well as how Ashberry will fulfill his role as the Breed’s new arch-villain or any other number of stories dealing with the mythology’s past.

2. Slither (2006)
We don’t need a Cloverfield sequel. There, I said it. THIS is the monster movie that needs a sequel. Slither is smart and fun, with likable characters and monsters that behave as a real monsters should. Slither is wonderfully devoid of annoying media hype, secret web pages, viral marketing, or a monster who makes peek-a-boo screen appearances. Slither was a gift to fans of old-fashioned, b-grade horror, and it left me wanting more. Where did that slithery, parasitic alien come from? Slither takes place in a small southern town, and I loved that, but what would happen if one of those parasites landed in a larger southern city, such as Memphis or Nashville? I know I’d watch a film that has cowboys, country singers, Elvis impersonators and zombies in it. Plus, Nathan Fillion really deserves more time on the big screen.

3. Ghosts of Mars (2001)
While obviously not John Carpenter’s best film, I don’t understand why so many people hate Ghosts of Mars. It has a terrific original soundtrack by Carpenter, Steve Vai, and the enigmatic guitar virtuoso Buckethead. Jason Statham does a competent job in it, as does Natasha Hinstridge, and I even liked Ice-Cube’s portrayal of Desolation Williams. And how could anyone not respect the tough and sassy Helena Braddock, played by the original Foxy Brown herself, Pam Grier. I think people were annoyed by the flashbacks and unconventional narrative style, but the story itself is a simple, straightforward allegory about the conflict between science and magic, good and evil, masculinity and femininity, love and war or whatever binary opposition you care to pick. Carpenter needs to redeem this film by giving it a sequel. The story warrants it, as the evil red horde of Martians that are still loose at the end of the film are, of course, going to make their way to mother Earth and, of course, it’ll be up to Ice-Cube to save the day yet again. But this time, he could enlist the help of always-bad-ass Eliza Dusku (who’s out of work now that Dollhouse has been axed) or maybe 50-Cent, which isn’t all that far-fetched since he’s started acting now. I will go on the record here and now as saying that I want to see that film.

4. The Tingler (1959)
Even though it often shows up on lists for the worst films of all time, I love the shameless, ham-fisted glory that is The Tingler. The film included such gimmicks as placing buzzers under the theater seats, a staff of fake nurses on standby in case of heart attacks, and color sequences added to the black and white film to highlight the shock of the blood-filled bathtub. All of this was designed to exploit the film’s premise that a mysterious creature called “the tingler” lives in each of us watching the film and is responsible for producing fear. None of those tricks would work today, if they ever did, but just imagine what an intrepid, creative director could do with the concept today: a 3d tingler set loose in the theater, complete with surround sound and movable seats. After the film is released, it could also make for a really kick-ass permanent attraction at Disney World.

5. They Live (1988)
Along with Escape from New York, They Live is another John Carpenter film that defined my young adulthood, so I have admittedly selfish reasons for wanting to see what a modern reboot of it might look like. I love the way Nada, the film’s hero (played by Rowdy Roddy Piper) is content to simply “kick ass and chew bubble gum.” He has no moody, complicated brooding, or inner demons to wrestle with—just those legions of alien scum. But, more than that, the film’s anti-corporate, anti-sloganeering, anti-commercial message is very much needed today. In our culture of incessant tweeting, text-messaging, viral networking, and product placement, we need another Nada to smack the slick veneer off it all and show us that there’s more to life if we look hard enough. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has been doing really schmaltzy family-friendly movies lately, like The Gridiron Gang and The Tooth Fairy. I’d love to see him in the role of Nada, grabbing those alien scum by their white collars as he shouts “can you smell what the Nada is cooking?”

6. May (2002)
I love the simplicity of slasher film killers. They kill because they’re evil, or insane, or seek revenge, and that’s about it. But it’s refreshing when a director such as Lucky McKee takes this genre to new places. May is much more than a slasher or Frankenstein knock-off. It’s a well-crafted and skillfully unsettling character study of what it means to be a social misfit. Even though the film is terrific as is, I don’t think we’ve gotten to the bottom of May’s psychosis, or exhausted the film’s potential as an allegory of alienation. Just like we needed a sequel to Ginger Snaps to take its original metaphor about puberty and femininity into surprising new directions involving drugs and addiction, we need a sequel to May. It ends with that ambiguous final sequence in which her creation Amy seems to come to life. The insinuation is that it’s all in May’s head, and that’s she’s more isolated and in her head than ever before. But what would May be like if she finally found the companionship and acceptance she so desperately needs? What kind of person could give that her? Together, I bet they would be even creepier than the desperately lonely version of May.

7. Dagon (2001)
Hardcore fans of Lovecraft may quibble with the fact that the film Dagon is actually a version of the novella The Shadow over Insmouth, but it’s one of the more successful adaptations nonetheless. I’m not sure I like the way Ezra Godden plays his character Paul Marsh as a bumbling boob until the last quarter of the film, but Stuart Gordon’s portrayal of the town Imboca is incredible. It captures the combinations of the grotesque, the sublime, the surreal and the serene that makes Lovecraft’s fiction so creepy and compelling. The film had a modest budget and the special effects are mostly terrific, but I would love to see what Gordon could do with a more substantial budget in a reboot of Dagon. I’m talking about the kind of budget and ambition that Peter Jackson had with his Lord of the Rings trilogy. While far more esoteric and hidden, Lovecraft’s world of slithering, sickly gods and half-human mutants has just as much depth and richness as Tolkien’s Middle Earth; that’s more than enough to warrant a proper trilogy of its own.

No related posts.

Pick of the Week

The House of the Devil (2009)
A cash-strapped college student named Samantha (Jocelin Donahue) takes a babysitting job during a full lunar eclipse and ends up fighting for her life. She soon discovers that her employers, Tom (Tom Noonan) and Mary (Mary Woronov) Ulman, are hiding a wicked, sick and twisted secret. Ti West (Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever) writes, directs and edits this terrifying film set in the early 1980s. Greta Gerwig and AJ Bowen co-star.

Zombieland (2009)
An easily spooked guy, Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg), joins forces with wild man Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) to fight for survival in a world virtually taken over by freakish zombies. As they destroy scores of the undead, they meet up with two other survivors, Little Rock (Abigail Breslin) and Wichita (Emma Stone), and journey to a supposedly safe abandoned amusement park. Ruben Fleischer directs this horror romp.

She-Wolf of London: The Complete Series (1990)
While conducting research on a foggy English moor with fetching mythology professor Ian Matheson (Neil Dickson), beautiful American grad student Randi Wallace (Kate Hodge) is attacked by a werewolf — and becomes one herself. Now Randi and Ian try to reverse her curse. Meanwhile, they investigate all manner of unexplained incidents together — first in England, then in California where Ian hosts a talk show — in this supernatural series.

Triangle (2009)
Murder strikes the Bermuda Triangle in this gripping high-seas horror starring Melissa George, Liam Hemsworth and Rachael Carpani. Jess encounters the first of many bad omens when her car kills a seagull near the local harbor. Later that night, her yacht hits a storm, forcing her and her friends to board a mysterious deserted ship. The clock on the ship has stopped — and so has any sense of safety. Christopher Smith writes and directs.

Circle of Eight (2009)
Jessica (Austin Highsmith) has no idea what she’s getting into when she moves into an eighth-floor loft at the Dante, an historic building in downtown Los Angeles where the neighbors seem alternately friendly and frightening. Tension mounts as Jessica bears witness to a series of gruesome deaths that, apparently, no one else can see. Ryan Doom and DJ Qualls co-star in this horror serial that originally aired as a MySpace Web series.

New to Blu-ray

• The Girl Next Door
• The Lost
• Spiral

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of February 16th, 2010
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of February 23rd, 2010
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of February 9th, 2010

in response to total film’s rather bizarre horror blog awards nominee list (four out of five of which are not blogs at all), one of the nominees (bloody-disgusting) is running their own horror blogger awards.

the nominee list is comprised of 63 personal horror blogs, many of which you’ll undoubtedly be familiar with (including eo2l). however, there are a lot on the list that i haven’t seen before and, if you’re anything like me, you’re looking forward to going through the list thoroughly, familiarizing yourself with those sites that you haven’t run across before.

so stop lolly-gagging here and head over to the bloody-disgusting blog awards page and start going through that list. and be sure to cast a vote for your favorite of the blogs before the deadline of february 12th! no pressure to make your vote for this site… we’re just happy to have our name on a nominee list that includes so many of the blogs we visit and read daily.

if this is your first visit to evilontwolegs.com because you found us on the list of nominees, here are a few of our more popular past posts for you take a gander at.

• Evilontwolegs 2009 Movie Awards
• The Fashion of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
• Top 5 Silliest Things About Twilight
• Films That Defined My Childhood
• Horror Posters: Poland
• The Most Disturbing Horror Films Ever Made
• The Fashion of Horror Villains
• Vampire Showdown: Twilight vs. Let the Right One In
• Movies Every Horror Fan Has Seen (Except Me)
• The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake Part 2
• A Nightmare on Elm St: 10 Pointless Observations
• Slumber Party Massacre: The Poem
• Top 10 Reasons Why Horror Fans Should Be Poetry Fans

Related posts:

1. Blog Awards!
2. We’re on the lamb
3. Horror Community Highlights – December 27, 2010

Pick of the Week

Pontypool (2008)
Bruce McDonald, critically acclaimed director of The Tracey Fragments, teams with author Tony Burgess to adapt Burgess’ own novel about a small town in the grip of a mysterious frenzy. It may be Valentine’s Day, but for caustic radio personality Grant Mazzy (Stephen McHattie) that’s just another reason to be miserable. Mazzy used to be a certified radio superstar, but working in Pontypool is a far shot from working in the big city. Today, however, as Mazzy prepares for his regular routine of reading the weather, updating school closings, and pleading his case for a little on-air controversy to producer Sydney Bryer (Lisa Houle), the appearance of an unexpected figure signals the beginning of a disturbing phenomenon in the small town of Pontypool.

Madness (2009)
Four teens fight for their lives when they’re attacked by a group of crazed killers during a drive through the countryside. Cheerleaders Tara and Jenna were on their way to a competition when they crossed paths with Chad and Oliver, whose car had just broken down near a remote gas station. Sympathetic, the two girls offer the stranded strangers a lift. Little did the unsuspecting teens realize that they were about to become the prey in a sadistic game of death. After their car is run off the road, the four teens are locked away and systematically slaughtered. Realizing that their time is quickly running out, the remaining teens resolve to fight back against their captors, and do everything in their power to stay alive.

Saw VI (2009)
Special Agent Strahm is long gone, and Det. Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) is now the heir to John Jigsaw’s (Tobin Bell) terrifying legacy. FBI Agent Erickson (Mark Rolston) is now hot on his trail, but Hoffman is about to reveal Jigsaw’s grand plot. Kevin Greutert directs this next installment of the smash horror dynasty, while Betsy Russell, Peter Outerbridge, Tanedra Howard and Shawnee Smith co-star.

Bad Biology (2008)
In this outrageously twisted tale of sex and horror, highly excitable Jennifer (Charlee Danielson) and well-endowed Batz (Anthony Sneed) are strangers in search of sexual fulfillment. When they meet, the two discover that they’re an explosive match made for lustful perversion. Mutant babies and a deadly dismembered member haunt this sure-to-be cult classic from director Frank Henenlotter (Basket Case, Frankenhooker).

Alone in the Dark II (2008)
When a 100-year-old witch (Allison Lange) hatches a horrid plot to sacrifice a young girl with a mystical dagger, a team of witch hunters led by Edward Carnby (Rick Yune) set out to stop the killing and retrieve the terrible blade. But soon they discover that anyone who touches the knife falls under the power of the witch’s vengeful bloodlust. Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer direct this horror film that co-stars Lance Henriksen.

New to Blu-ray

• The Toolbox Murders (1978)

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of January 19th, 2010
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of January 5th, 2010
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of January 12th, 2010

• Skeletons in the Closet : Actors with roots in horror…
  Fascination with Fear
  I had completely forgotten that before he was Aragorn, Viggo Mortensen was “Tex” in Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III
• Pizza, Pipes, and Pandorum
  Final Girl
  “Some people enjoy things that others do not! I know this is a hard concept for The Internet to grasp, but it’s true. Sometimes it leaves one scratching one’s head- ‘What kind of crack are these people smoking that they actually like that movie, and where can I get some?’”
• Defining the Found Footage Genre
  In it for the Kills
  I’ll admit that I’m not the biggest fan of the ‘found footage’ genre in horror, but I do love Nathaniel Hawthorne and Henry James, and this post makes a compelling argument that those writers have a few things in common with it.
• Psycho Semi-Centennial: This Movie’s for the Birds
  The Vault of Horror
  This is an intelligent, witty analysis that’ll make you want to watch the great-granddaddy of slasher films all over again.
• Pre-code Horror
  Golden Age Comic Book Stories
  I read this blog every day, but this week’s installment of horror comics is especially terrific.
• The Paradise of Horror
  Top Ten Original Horror Songs
  I love music. I love horror films. I love top ten lists. ‘Nuff said.

email suggestions for next week’s community highlights to jon@evilontwolegs.com

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – January 8, 2010
2. Horror Community Highlights – January 1, 2010
3. Horror Community Highlights – January 16, 2010

January is not only the time for great retrospectives and “best of lists” from the online horror community, but also awards. Eo2L would like to thank Maryanne from The Spooky Brew for nominating us for a Kreativ Blogger Award, Johnny Sandman from The Paradise of Horror for the One Lovely Blog Award and Chris at Fascination With Fear for the Fantastically Frightening Award (created by Day of the Woman’s BJ-C). However, with great awards come great responsibilities. Each of these awards suggest that you pass the award on to others (7 others for the Kreativ Blogger Award, 15 for the One Lovely Blog Award and an unspecified number for The Fantastically Frightening Award). The Fantastically Frightening Award also requests that you specify why you’re passing the award on to each blog. The Kreativ Blogger Award has a few more rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the Kreativ Blogger Award logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated

Items 1-3 have been taken care of, so here are some things you might not know about the folks behind Evil on Two Legs.

For the sake of brevity, we’ve decided to combine our nominations for all three awards into one short list. These are sites that we love that have not already received these awards (to the best of our knowledge) that we think deserve a special shout out. If you are on this list, feel free to pick your own award from the three (or, if you’re greedy… grab ‘em all!). Given that all of these sites are horror related, I’d think you’d go for the Fantastically Frightening award… but if roses and teacups are more your thing, more power to you. Lastly, realize there are hundreds nay thousands of deserving sites out there, so please do not be offended if you’ve been overlooked by these viral award things. We try to keep our blog roll (see sidebar) updated with the active horror blogs that we enjoy, but even that is just a sampling of the quality sites out there. If you are a horror blogger that puts time, energy and passion into your site, then please consider yourself a recipient, from us, of these awards as well.

Final Girl
One of the most unique and consistently entertaining voices in the horror blogging community. If you’re not reading Final Girl, you’re not doing it right.

Kindertrauma
If it scared you as a kid, you’ll find it here. And you’ll love it.

Freddy in Space
With recent posts like “The Top 25 Kills of the Last 10 Years” and “Cool Shit on Ebay,” this blog feels a lot like it’s being written just for us. But it’s probably ok if you like it too.

Frankensteinia
All Frankenstein, all the time.

Vegan Voorhees
Perhaps the only person we can definitively say watches more slashers than either of us. This site is a little slice of slasher film heaven.

No Room in Hell
Slickly designed and smartly written, No Room in Hell is another horror blog written by two friends.

The Horror Section
In addition to its nostalgia-laden content, just the design of this site will instantly transport you back to when you were just discovering horror films and each oversized VHS box in the video store held a mystique that’s difficult to find in the DVD and internet age.

Update: Somehow it escaped our notice that No Room In Hell bestowed upon us the esteemed Zombie Chicken Award. Can you feel the love? Well, hopefully we can pass some of that love on… The blogs we nominated above should feel free to include the Zombie Chicken Award among their possible award options as well. Here’s the description:

The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken – excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words.

Related posts:

1. The Bloody-Disgusting Horror Blogger Awards

Pick of the Week

Pandorum (2009)
Upon rousing themselves from hyper-sleep, Payton (Dennis Quaid) and Bower (Ben Foster), a pair of crewmen assigned to work on a spacecraft, discover startling gaps in their collective memory — including who they are and what, exactly, their mission was in the first place. The plot thickens when they realize they’re not the only ones on board the ship. Cam Gigandet co-stars in this gripping sci-fi thriller.

(2009)
A U.S. marshall tracking a vicious murderer through the Antarctic must locate the killer before the sun sets for six months, or risk being trapped in the dark with the madman for months on end in director Dominic Sena’s adaptation of the graphic novel series by Greg Rucka.

Blood Creek (2009)
When a family agrees to host an occult-obsessed Nazi scholar in their West Virginia farmhouse prior to World War II, they’re transformed into his undead slaves and must kidnap local victims to feed his bloodlust. Years later, an abducted war hero (Dominic Purcell) breaks free from the zombie family’s clutches, rounds up his brother (Henry Cavill) and returns to the wilderness for payback. Joel Schumacher directs this supernatural horror flick.

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of January 5th, 2010
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of May 19th, 2009
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of January 26th, 2010

• Jerry’s Lament: Romanticism in Fright Night
  The Paradise of Horror
  I instantly and unconditionally love any post that makes references–in the same paragraph–to Aristotle, Shakespeare, and Jerry from Fright Night.
• Gruesome New Photos From Piranha 3D
  Horror-Movies.Ca
  Ok. I’m hooked.
• Hey Kids, It’s the Cannibal Holocaust Live-Tweet!
  The Vault of Horror
  This was such a good idea, and so much fun to read, it ought to be a requirement for all horror bloggers.
• Heart of the Snow Maiden
  The Horrors of it All
  From the 1953 Adventures into the Unknown #40, this is indeed perfect for “January’s sub-zero scream theme.”
• Inhospitable Innkeepers In Horror History
  In it for the Kills
  This would have been even better if it were posted around Christmas, but it’s still one of the most interesting and original posts I’ve read in a long time.
• Here’s to You: Ten Jack-Asses in Horror
  Fascination with Fear
  
• PUKE-A-PALOOZA: THE BEST VOMIT IN HORROR
  Day of the Woman
  
• Total Film Drops the Ball, Revealed to be Incredibly Self-Serving
  I Love Horror
  
• The Burning (1981) review
  The Spooky Brew
  

email suggestions for next week’s community highlights to jon@evilontwolegs.com

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – January 1, 2010
2. Horror Community Highlights – January 22, 2010
3. Horror Community Highlights – January 8, 2010

the best horror films of 2009

#8

martyrs

martyrs is an incredibly brave and shocking film. the plot drastically shifts gears halfway into the film and while many (myself included) prefer the trajectory of the first half, the direction it ends up heading is undeniably thought-provoking. more evidence that there are some really f’d up filmmakers in france.

#7

my bloody valentine 3d

one of the few remakes to surpass the film it’s based on, my bloody valentine 3d is a fun, exciting slasher with its tongue firmly planted in its cheek. best viewed in three dimensions, the theatrical experience is not simulated well at home, but the blu-ray comes far closer than the dvd version.

#6

friday the 13th

hated by many, i really dug the friday the 13th reboot. simplistic and flawed, yes — but what prior entry in the series wasn’t? i still kinda cringe at the idea of jason kidnapping people… but that’s really a small complaint against what’s really a fantastically entertaining and shockingly brutal entry in one my favorite franchises.

#5

splinter

splinter is a by-the-numbers trapped-in-an-enclosed-place monster flick, but it’s so well executed that it never feels formulaic or predictable. if i’d seen this when i was 13, i know i would have loudly proclaimed to friends and family that this was THE BEST FILM EVER and maybe even written a really crappy fanfic cross-over sequel titled splinter vs the thing.

#4

trick ‘r treat

horror anthologies have a long history… unfortunately recent parts of that history primarily involve sucking. trick ‘r treat is an extreme exception to that trend. sam, the sack hooded trick-r-treater, is one of the cutest (and simultaneously creepiest) horror villains in recent memory. the studio seemed to lack confidence in the film, but i hope its success on dvd is large enough to ensure this isn’t the last we see of sam.

#3

drag me to hell

sam raimi’s absence from horror has been sorely felt for years. any fears i harbored that raimi’s skill at creating his own unique campy brand of horror had atrophied after years baby-sitting spider-man were laid to rest with the release of this immensely stylish and funny demonic thriller.

#2

paranormal activity

like the best campfire ghost stories, paranormal activity is simple, short and terrifying. it really needs to be viewed with no distractions and, preferably, late at night. its scares will not work for everyone, but those that are susceptible to its subtle brand of horror will be creeped out long after the credits have rolled. and on dvd, since they list about fifty gajillion fans… those credits are really, really long.

#1

jennifer’s body

if you’d told me a year ago that my favorite horror film of the year would star megan fox, i would have likely backed slowly away from you and called the guys with the big butterfly nets. or maybe i would have just thought what you said was just highly unlikely to be true. regardless… that hypothetical you would have been absolutely right. many seem to have trouble getting past diablo cody’s stylized uber-cool teen speak, but unrealistic dialogue works for me when done well (e.g. heathers, clockwork orange or anything written by joss whedon, quentin tarantino or david mamet). a smart and satirical horror/black comedy, i predict this will be a cult classic years from now when the megan fox backlash wears off. i could be wrong though… as one fellow blogger (brad of ilovehorror.net) put it, “watching jennifer’s body made me want to punch a baby in the face.”

the worst horror films of 2009

#5

the haunting in connecticut

like the amityville horror, this is another new england ghost tale supposedly based on a bullshit true story. boring and far from scary, this haunted house film brings little new to the table. and i still can’t figure out what’s supposed to be happening in the poster — my best guess is that someone is vomiting on the space shuttle.

#4

stan helsing

despite a surprisingly likable cast, stan helsing is dragged down by a terrible concept and an unfortunate lack of anything approximating ‘funny.’ i picked this up because i imagined it was going to be in the vein of scary movie, but instead of being aimed at the post-modern slashers like scream and i know what you did last summer, it’d take on the 1980s slasher classics. and while leatherface, freddy and jason do make appearances (oh-so-cleverly renamed pleatherface, fweddy and mason), classic slasher situations and cliches are completely absent, replaced with a scooby-doo-esque setup and more fart jokes than i care to recall.

#3

the unborn

i should have known better than to think a movie that relies on photoshopped butt cheeks as its main draw could be decent, but i took a $20 gamble on the unborn (on blu-ray no less). new to the blu-ray revolution, my magical thinking was that seeing the film in HD might somehow improve the experience of the film… which is a lot like thinking a piece of dog crap would look more appealing because you’re using a magnifying glass. i’ve blocked most of it from my memory, but it had something to do with a dead twin, the holocaust, another dead twin and gary oldman with a funky accent.

#2

offspring

offspring begs you to be shocked by the fact that children are committing murder, which is somewhat offset by the fact that the children in question are dressed like bam-bam rubble and pebbles flintstone and the bloody entrails they’re playing in look suspiciously like rubber tubes doused in ketchup. as the tired cliches rack up and the preposterous plot collapses in on itself, you can’t help but feel bad for the kids who got to tell all their friends they were going to be in a big hollywood movie — and then had to put up with the teasing, playground bullying and dating-related rejections that no doubt occurred once this film hit dvd. it’s also worth noting that this film is based on the second book in a series, which may make it a first in the horror genre… a sequel to a film that hasn’t been made yet.

#1

the cell 2

completely ignoring the one thing that the original film got right (its stunning nightmarish visuals), the cell 2 is a cluster-f of bad writing, poor direction, crappy cgi and frank whaley. this movie isn’t just tedious and boring… if placed in close proximity to other dvds on your shelf, i fear it could cause other films to become more tedious and boring via osmosis. avoid at all costs.

the best horror documentaries of 2009

not quite hollywood

while geographically narrow in scope (not quite hollywood deals with only australian films), this is one of the best documentaries about exploitation films ever made. i could watch this thing all day long.

his name was jason

a documentary detailing the history of the friday the 13th franchise, hosted by tom savini? now if i ever run across a genie in a lamp, i’ve got an extra wish to use!

zombie girl: the movie

following 12-year-old emily hagins in her quest to make the feature length zombie epic pathogen, zombie girl is a touching and inspirational story of how one young girl somehow manages to pull off what i’m sure every horror fan dreamed of doing as a kid. don’t miss this film and be sure to read our q&a with emily and check out her site at cheesynuggets.com to see what she’s up to now.

the most surprising horror films of 2009

saw 6

the saw franchise has been in a steady decline for a while now, and no one expected that trend to change with part six. wrong we were, however, as the sixth entry in franchise proved to be far superior to the last few sequels and added in some much-needed depth by using jigsaw’s increasingly improbable exploits to comment on current politics. not the best film in the series, but a welcome change of direction that gives hope for future entries.

orphan

despite featuring one of my favorite actors (peter sarsgaard), orphan looked bad. like, really bad. i stayed far away from it theatrically, and tried my best to avoid it on dvd. however, one night the dangerous combination of having a little too much to drink and browsing the pay-per-view channel ended with me giving it a try. luck was on my side that night as orphan is a surprisingly well executed thriller, largely due to the amazingly creepy performance from child star isabelle fuhrman. a fantastic entry in the ‘evil child’ genre.

the most disappointing horror films of 2009

the final destination

the final destination films have always had fantastic deaths, an easy-to-understand (if silly) mythology and somewhat interesting characters. throw 3d in the mix, and it seems like a perfect match. unfortunately final destination 4 (bizarrely retitled the final destination) keeps the deaths but makes little sense plot-wise and features the least-defined characters in horror history. i don’t need much in terms of characterization, but these teens/20-somethings don’t appear to be high school students, college students or employed. apparently their purpose in life is to just sit around their scarcely furnished but expensive looking apartments and wait to die. which, thankfully, they do in short order.

laid to rest

i had high hopes for laid to rest. it looked to be a unique take on the slasher formula with some old-school special effects. while the death sequences are indeed impressive, there is little to like in the rest of the film (with the possible exception of a catchy song that’s entire lyrics seem to be “sexy bitches are my favorite kind of bitches”). the characters and situations are impossible to identify with because every character reaction seems disconnected from reality and contradicts common sense. like a bad sitcom, laid to rest feels like it takes place in a confined, artificial and magical world which, unfortunately, makes getting scared by or emotionally attached to anything that happens in that world impossible.

the grudge 3

after the grudge 2, i doubt many expected very much from part three. however, when i saw it was directed by splinter creator toby wilkins, i got very excited that maybe the new sequel might exceed expectations. for whatever reason, this is not the case… the grudge 3 is just more tired, poorly executed jump scares paired with an unengaging story. rather disappointing given the combination of such a talented director and a horror franchise with such potential.

my name is bruce

my name is bruce is one of those concepts that sounds impossible to screw up… bruce campbell as bruce campbell vs the undead. but they found a way. campbell somehow manages to be unlikable, unfunny and uninteresting through the majority of this film, which is shocking to anyone who’s ever met him or seen him speak. given his natural charisma, charm and improv ability, it’s shocking how poorly my name is bruce turned out. maybe with spider-man now abandoned, bruce and sam raimi can finally be reunited and produce something as good as the film this should have been.

the most bizarre horror film of 2009

halloween ii

rob zombie’s h2 is one of the strangest franchise slasher films ever made. flawed but fascinating, it is (for better or worse) the product of a singular vision and definitely the exact film that zombie wanted to make. the entire thing, from the jarring opening sequence to the inclusion of “love hurts” in the closing credits feels like a giant raised middle finger from rob zombie. unfortunately, it’s unclear to me who the finger is raised to… critics? the studio? fans? there are things i like and things i don’t about the film and i have yet to firmly decide how i feel about it as a whole (hopefully watching the unrated cut this week will solidify my feelings one way or the other). in any case, its brazen disregard for convention and unquestionably unique take on the evil in haddonfield make it a must-see for genre fans.

the biggest fumble of 2009

the last house on the left

like many films before it (the most maddening example being spielberg’s a.i.), the remake of the last house on the left is a brilliant piece of film making that falls completely and utterly on its face in its final moments and really should have just ended just a few minutes earlier. like seeing your favorite team leading through the whole game, only to lose with seconds on the clock… finishing this film is a disheartening experience that makes you wish it had sucked from the beginning instead of getting your hopes up. while spielberg had no such excuse (having final cut), the ending of the last house on the left stinks of studio interference. an unfortunate bit of interference that is solely responsible for keeping this film off many a ‘best of’ list. including mine.

Related posts:

1. Friday the 13th (2009)
2. Horror Community Highlights – September 4th, 2009
3. Friday the 13th Movie Site Goes Live

Pick of the Week

Halloween II (2009)
After Michael Myers’s (Tyler Mane) horrific Halloween night rampage in Haddonfield, the townspeople try to recover — but the nightmare isn’t over in Rob Zombie’s bloody sequel to his reimagining of the original Halloween horror flick. Malcolm McDowell reprises his role as Dr. Sam Loomis, and Scout Taylor-Compton returns as Myers’s sister, Laurie Strode. Brad Dourif, Danielle Harris and Bill Moseley co-star.

Hunchback of the Morgue (1973)
In this gory spine-chiller from Spain, dim-witted hunchback morgue attendant Gotho (Paul Naschy) makes a deal with mad scientist Dr. Orla (Alberto Dalbes): Gotho will provide fresh body parts to feed Orla’s horrific live creation, and the doctor will revive the woman Gotho loves. Gotho has hidden the corpse of Ilse (Maria Elena Arpon) in a dank crypt after brutally attacking the medical students preparing to dissect her body.

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of January 19th, 2010
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of January 5th, 2010
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of January 26th, 2010

Update 1/12/10: Melissa of Bloody Mary’s Movie Review was randomly chosen as our giveaway winner! Congratulations to her, and thanks to all that entered!

In anticipation of its January 12th release, Sony Pictures Home Entertainment has been kind enough to offer a free Blu-ray copy of the unrated director’s cut of Rob Zombie’s Halloween II to one of our site’s readers. If you’re interested in receiving this free Blu-ray copy of the film, please leave a comment below (don’t forget to include your email address) or simply email me at corey@evilontwolegs.com and include something like “Halloween Blu-ray Giveaway” or (if you’re feeling more exuberant) “I WANT ME THAT THERE H2 BLURAY PRONTO!” in the subject line. A winner will be announced shortly, so enter now.

Official H2 DVD/Blu-Ray Trailer

Synopsis (from Sony Pictures Home Entertainment): Rob Zombie’s H2 (HALLOWEEN) picks up at the exact moment that 2007’s box-office smash, HALLOWEEN stopped and follows the aftermath of Michael Myers’s (Tyler Mane) murderous rampage through the eyes of heroine Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor Compton). Evil has a new destiny. Michael Myers is back in this terrifying sequel to Rob Zombie’s visionary re-imagining of Halloween. It is that time of year again, and Michael Myers has returned home to sleepy Haddonfield, Illinois to take care of some unfinished family business. Unleashing a trail of terror that only horror master Zombie can, Myers will stop at nothing to bring closure to the secrets of his twisted past. But the town’s got an unlikely new hero, if they can only stay alive long enough to stop the unstoppable.

Related posts:

1. Fan Art Field Trip: Halloween
2. The Hair of Halloween (2007)
3. Why Dogs Hate Halloween

• 5 Brutal Horror Movie Scenes from 2009
  Horror-Movies.ca!
  This could also pass as a respectable list of 5 of the best horror films of 2009.
• The Vault’s 2010 Horror Preview
  The Vault of Horror
  I like the mix of film, tv, and literature in this preview of 2010. And I am in %100 percent agreement that Diary of the Dead is a very under-rated, under-appreciated film. I’m looking forward to Romero’s next one.
• A Decade Of Horror
  No Room in Hell
  I’m still on the fence about all the remakes of classic horror films, but this intelligent and thorough retrospective will provide lots of ammunition for the fans who think the trend has gone on too long.
• Decade of the Afraid
  Vegan Voorhees
  The consensus in the online horror community seems to be that torture porn, remakes, the Asian invasion, and reality tv defined the past decade. Check this list out for some of the best and worst moments of it all.
• A Decade of Debauchery
  Fascination with Fear
  How can you go wrong with a list that includes categories like “Favorite movie that you probably hate but I like” and “Favorite Animals Gone Wild film”?
• The Year of the Vampire
  Monster Land
  This is a thoughtful consideration as to why horror films of the past decade have been dominated by all those pointy-toothed blood-suckers.
• Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 (11-20)
  The Jaded Viewer

email suggestions for next week’s community highlights to jon@evilontwolegs.com

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – January 1, 2010
2. Horror Community Highlights – January 16, 2010
3. Horror Community Highlights – January 22, 2010

jennifer’s body
maybe it’s because megan fox was a part of the travesty that is transformers 2 or because i had no idea going in that the film was scribed by juno writer diablo cody, but i expected jennifer’s body to suck and suck hard. given such low expectations, it’s not a huge shock then that it surpassed them… but what was shocking was by how much. this is a damn good movie! a smart mixture of heathers, buffy the vampire slayer and the exorcist, jennifer’s body is a funny, bitingly satirical film revolving around the often unhealthy and parasitic nature of teen female friendships. while perhaps not oscar-worthy, megan fox turns in a surprisingly layered performance, deals very well with cody’s highly stylized dialogue and (as shown to the left) pulls off one hell of a creepy smile. not a perfect film, but highly recommended. just make sure to avoid the inferior theatrical version and watch the unrated director’s cut instead.

the butcher
referring to the snuff-film-within-a-gore-film in the butcher, a character says “i know we can sell it to the US. they’re always looking for something bloody.” and, you know… he’s right, because i was intrigued enough by the description of this low-budget korean hostel knock-off to cue it up on netflix watch instantly. and while there are a few unique disturbing images to be found in the butcher (a first-person view of a homosexual rape by a man wearing a pig’s head leaps to mind), all lose their impact due to poor setup of the situations, shoddy camera-work and the incessant and annoying babbling, squealing and whining of the main character. i have no doubt i would be reduced to a babbling wreck as well if kidnapped and tortured, but the primary victim in the butcher takes it to such ridiculous, comedic extremes that they should have just named the film a guy cries, yells, begs, spits and crawls around in the dirt for about an hour. the film seems to have few aspirations above qualifying for the label ‘torture porn’ and, in that, it does succeed. and while it may fit very squarely into that subgenre, it’s not a very noteworthy example of it.

wrong turn 3: left for dead
many seem to prefer the campiness and insanity of the sequel to the original film, but in my mind wrong turn 2 doesn’t hold a candle to wrong turn. while i will not deny the inherent awesome-ness in having henry rollins square off against a bunch of cannibal hillbillies in the second film, the original wrong turn had a terrifying atmosphere and vicious tone that the sequel lacked. wrong turn 3 follows in that trend, replacing style and scares with camp and over-the-top comic violence. the kills are entertaining enough, but both the script and characters (even the once-creepy cackling antagonist, “three-finger”) are dull and lifeless. wrong turn 3 didn’t bore me to tears, but left me wishing for something that more firmly built on the scares of the first film or was more successful at imitating the ridiculous antics of the second.

Related posts:

1. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
2. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (ghost house edition)
3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Saw VI Gets Smacked Down by a Ghost Edition)

The Final Destination (2009)
Young Nick O’Bannon (Bobby Campo) thinks he’s cheated death when he keeps a grisly premonition from becoming reality, saving his friends and himself from being crushed in a catastrophic accident — but the survivors soon realize that fate has other plans. Shantel VanSanten, Haley Webb and Nick Zano also star in this fourth installment of the Final Destination franchise, the first film in the series to be lensed in 3-D.

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of January 26th, 2010
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of January 19th, 2010
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of January 12th, 2010

• A Showcase of Phones in Horror Films
  Day of the Woman
  I love posts that offer a novel way of looking at films I’ve seen dozens of times.
• Pulse and the Horrors of Loneliness
  Monster Land
  I think the best film reviews do more than provide a synopsis or simple evaluation of a particular film—they also make an argument about films in general. Monster Scholar’s review is a case in point.
• The Search For Genuine Scares – Horror Fans And Bloggers Weigh In
  No Room in Hell
  This is the kind of discussion I want to read more of in the horror blogging community!
• Aunt John’s Ghostly Guide to Basic Cable
  Kindertrauma
  “If your Aunt John was in charge of a basic cable network, here are some shows I would like to see produced.”
• “Holy Shit!” Endings, Part One
  Fascination with Fear
  I think Soylent Green should have made the list, but this is one of the coolest “end of the year” posts I’ve read yet.
• Elaine Lamkin’s Top 10 Underappreciated Horror Films Of The Past Decade
  Fatally Yours
  “Ranging from a Lovecraftian Civil War horror to Vietnam War ghosts to a VERY lonely Belgian inn-keeper to an Aussie bushman everyone ELSE should leave alone, there should be something for everyone in the following list.”
• More Scary Pro Wrestlers!
  The Vault of Horror
  When I was growing up, this stuff was a guilty pleasure of mine. And this list is a good indication why.
• Vote: Hottest Horror Vixen of 2009
  Horror-Movies.Ca
  Thank you, Horror-Movies.Ca. Thank you.
• Horror Poster Look-Alike Extravaganza
  Welcome to Monster Land
• Top 25 Horror Film sof the Decade
  Day of the Woman
• 10 to watch in ‘10
  Dinner with Max Jenke
• 5 Things I’ve Learned This Year
  The Horror Digest
• Top 20 From the Decade
  The Spooky Brew

email suggestions for next week’s community highlights to jon@evilontwolegs.com

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – January 8, 2010
2. Horror Community Highlights – January 16, 2010
3. Horror Community Highlights – January 22, 2010

Pick of the Week

Paranormal Activity (2007)
When Katie (Katie Featherston) and Micah (Micah Sloat) fear their San Diego, Calif., home may be haunted by a demonic presence, Micah sets up a video camera to document all the jaw-dropping, hair-raising action over a series of several nights in fall 2006. The paranormal occurrences increase in frequency and significance, leaving Katie more and more distraught — and determined to put an end to the terror.

Jennifer’s Body (2009)
After a supernatural romp with a satanic emo band, hot cheerleader Jennifer (Megan Fox) is transformed into a demon with an insatiable appetite for high school boys. Now, it’s up to Jennifer’s BFF, Needy (Amanda Seyfried), to protect the guys from the bloodthirsty man-eater. Penned by Diablo Cody (Juno), this one-of-a-kind horror comedy co-stars Adam Brody as the devil-worshipping band’s lead singer.

Vampire Killers (2009)
Two luckless friends (played by James Corden and Mathew Horne) head to a hamlet in the Welsh countryside for a hiking holiday, only to find all the women of the village enslaved by an ancient vampire curse. Armed with crucifixes, axes and anything else they can add to their arsenal, the duo prepares to fight for their lives. Paul McGann and Silvia Colloca also star in this bitingly funny tale of horror from director Phil Claydon.

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of December 22nd, 2009
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of March 29th, 2009
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of September 29th, 2009

• Never Kill Santa Claus / Trick or Treat
  The Horrors of it All
  “What would the horrordays be without a visit from jolly ‘ol St. Nick, eh? And don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about jolly ‘ol Satanis either….”
• He Sees You When You’re Sleeping: Top Ten Scary Santas
  Fatally Yours
  By looking at Santa “through a twisted and macabre lens, that towering figure of Christmas (not the zombie guy, the other one) has also become something less than holly jolly, and something far more ho-ho-horrible.”
• The Big Zombie Carols Finale!
  The Vault of Horror
  “One last drool-tide song for all you zombie carolers out there…”
• Top 10 Horror Films of 2009
  Horror-Movies.ca
  This list reminded me that I really need to see both Pontypool and Paranormal Activity.
• The Creepy Origins of the Best Horror Movie Bad Guys
  Star Costumes
  Reading their well-written biographies almost made me feel like I was meeting these iconic villains for the first time.
• Behind the scenes: Frankenstein, 1931
  Frankensteinia
  Posts like this one are the reason I read horror blogs: it is intelligent, insightful, and surprising.

email suggestions for next week’s community highlights to jon@evilontwolegs.com

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – December 6, 2009
2. Horror Community Highlights – December 19, 2009
3. Horror Community Highlights – December 11, 2009

1. Lois Lane!
I had no idea that Superman’s best gal is in this film. No offense to Kate Bosworth, but Margot Kidder IS Lois Lane. I was happy to see that what made her work so well as the plucky Daily Planet reporter is also evident in the way she plays the role of sorority gal Barb. She’s hardly the stereotypical airhead, but a foul mouthed, hard drinking, wise cracking woman who was born an old soul. I love the way she’s completely unperturbed, and even slightly amused, by the prank caller. And she has no end of fun with the naïve rookie cop, convincing him that “Fellatio-20880” is the new phone exchange for the sorority house.

2. Surly Women
This is a bad-ass sorority! For one, there’s a poster of an old lady giving the finger hanging on the sorority house wall. Also, the sorority’s den mother is called “Mac,” and she’s just as sassy as Margot Kidder’s Barb. She hides enough liquor throughout the house to drink Dylan Thomas under the table, and even brushes her teeth with whisky. Plus, when a concerned father shows up and complains about the morally unsavory conditions of the sorority house, Mrs. Mac responds by giving him the finger, too. After all, she can’t help it if the girls behave badly. As she so eloquently puts it, “these broads would hump the Leaning Tower of Pizza if they could get up there.”

3. Funny Hats and Fur Coats
I spent very little time around fraternities and sororities in college, so I’m not exactly hip as to what kind of fashion is involved. But I never imagined that sorority girls dressed as Strawberry Shortcake and fraternity boys as Grizzly Adams. Of course, Jess is the gentler, kinder exception to the otherwise hard-bellied nature of this sorority. And perhaps that pink, puffy hat is simply a nod to renaissance fashion. She was Juliet, after all, in Franco Zeferelli’s classic version of Shakespeare’s play. However, unless Chris has just joined the crew of a Nantucket whaling vessel, there is simply no excuse for that abomination of a coat.

4. The Dad from Nightmare on Elm Street
Lieutenant Fuller, it turns out, will show up again as Nancy’s dad in Nightmare, and they’re pretty much the same character. In both films, he’s a rough-around-the-edges, competent town-cop who can’t quite manage to save the day. However, in Black Christmas, he actually stands guard while Jess sleeps. It’s too bad he doesn’t treat Nancy as well in Nightmare. In that film, he ignores her warnings and lies to her about Freddy.

5. Jason and the Amazing Technicolor Hockey Mask
In Black Christmas, we get an early glimpse of what would later become THE iconic slasher apparel. Of course, Jason’s version is toned down, and one can only wonder what would have happened had he picked up this hockey mask instead. He’d still be a methodical killing machine but I bet he’d have just a little more spring in his step. Actually, this hockey mask also looks like the face plate they made Hannibal Lecter wear–had he decided to decorate it for Cinco de Mayo.

6. The House from Halloween
This film has an uncanny way of predicting the future. First, Nancy’s dad makes and Jason’s mask make their first appearances, and then the film takes place in the Myers house. Well, the sorority house does have a little more bling than the more austere and suburban houses of Haddonfield. But the opening sequence of Black Christmas does look a lot like Halloween. Plus, Billy is a prototype for Michael Myers in that he has lots of bizarre, unresolved issues with Agnes, who I take to be the little girl he murdered years ago. Not to take anything away from a film that is in my top five of all time, but Carpenter basically took Black Christmas, then changed the holiday, moved the setting to a middle-class neighborhood, gave Billy a family, replaced all the fur coats, funny hats, and surly women, and ended up with his masterpiece.

Related posts:

1. Strange and Bizarre Horror Collectibles
2. A Nightmare on Elm Street: 10 Pointless Observations

Shattered Lives (2006)
Years after killing her mother when her two clown dolls advised it as a solution to her stress over keeping her mother’s (Lucia Sullivan) infidelity from her father (Jeff Zukowski), schizophrenic teen Rachel (Christina Rosenberg) has another break in the wake of a tragedy in this psychological thriller. After her beloved dad dies in a car accident, Rachel’s clowns once again come to life for her and lead her down a tragic, bloody path.

Paranormal Entity (2009)
Following Thomas Finley’s apparent slaying of his younger sister and a paranormal investigator, this home video footage surfaced, clearly revealing his family’s frighteningly real struggles with a powerful spiritual entity that haunted their house. Throughout this terrifying horror film, the Finleys gradually turn on each other and become overwhelmed by the demonic force that refuses to leave them alone.

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of September 22nd, 2009
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of December 29th, 2009
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of December 8th, 2009

• Ryohei Hase’s Fantasy Art
  Paintalicious
  The folks at Monster Crazy pointed me to Hase’s artwork. My favorite of his is called “Melancholy” and it’s just about the creepiest thing I’ve seen in months.
• Four Songs to Pee Your Pants By
  In it for the Kills
  I am in complete agreement with this post. Poltergeist 2 has its problems, but if you don’t find Reverend Kane’s song scary, you need to have your ears checked.
• BJ-C’s Worst of 2009
  Day of the Woman
  The only thing I like better than retrospective “Best Of” lists, are “Worst Of” lists, especially when they’re this well-written. However, I do beg to differ with My Bloody Valentine 3D!
• Nasty Deaths in Non-Horror Films
  Fascination With Fear
  It’s true that Raiders of the Lost Ark is in no way a horror film, but that scene in which the Nazi’s face melts off scared the bejeesus out of me as a kid.
• Book Review: Demon Days By Richard Finney And D.L. Snell
  Fatally Yours
  Demon Days is one “part church-conspiracy novel, one part assassin thriller, one part possession horror story and one part gum-shoe noir,” and so I think I’ll be reading this sometime in the near future.
• Top 5 Films I’m Avoiding ON PURPOSE
  Love Train for the Tenebrous Empire
  I’m also endlessly fascinated by films that do seem truly disturbing and dangerous, films that really get under your skin and actually make you feel bad. And I agree that Cannibal Holocaust is one of those very rare films that should never be seen again.

email suggestions for next week’s community highlights to jon@evilontwolegs.com

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – December 11, 2009
2. Horror Community Highlights – December 6, 2009
3. Horror Community Highlights – December 27, 2010

Brittney-Jade
brittnahjade@gmail.com

In earlier posts we’ve looked at the fashion and style of Haddonfield, horror villains in general and Camp Crystal Lake (twice). This week we’re headin’ to Texas, alleged home of the NASA Space Center, Cordell Walker (aka Walker, Texas Ranger), the breed of cattle known as ‘longhorns’ and far too many families of ravenous, psychotic cannibals to name. We’re accompanied this go ’round by Brittney-Jade Colangelo, professional baton twirler, horror twitter-er, world-renowned hostess of dayofwoman.com, and recently crowned Ms. Horror Blogosphere 2009. So join Brittney-Jade, Jon and myself in breaking the cardinal rule by “messing with Texas” as we delve into the fashion sense and interior decorating choices present in 1974’s foliage-unfriendly classic — The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Jon: If I remember correctly, that’s the THIRD time in this film they’ve had to pull the van over to look for her pasties. Brittney-Jade: Little known fact, she used those diamond cutters to make a hole in the side of the van. Her friend’s hot-pants make it very difficult to move and the sliding door just wasn’t cutting it. Corey: see video

Jon: In early drafts, the film was called “The Kentucky Corncob Massacre,” and Strawhead was the original villain. Corey: Ya know, pardner… sometimes you wear the hat, and sometimes the hat wears you. Brittney-Jade: I knew it was bad to have a denim jacket with denim pants, but for some reason a denim polo, denim overalls, and a straw hat just screams CLASSY!

Jon: He wore a snappy dress shirt, nicely pressed pants, and brand new patent leather shoes, but, tragically, he forgot to put on his parachute. Corey: What is with all the denim and heavy materials, Franklin? It’s not like you didn’t know you were going to Texas in the summer. And those shoes look like something your hateful mom bought you for the first day of Kindergarten. Brittney-Jade: I’d be frustrated too if I was wearing double denim in a wheelchair. I’m pretty sure he knows he looks awful, but he can’t get anyone to help him change.

Jon: INVISIBLE MEATBALL SUB Corey: Wearing a chicken breast as a necklace is both a fashionable and utilitarian choice. Brittney-Jade: First someone interrupts his voodoo ritual makeup application, then someone bashes his chicken necklace, and THEN someone steals his lunch. Today is just not his day.

Corey: No, Franklin that shirt doesn’t make you look fat. But the Baby Ruth fashion accessory isn’t exactly slimming. Brittney-Jade: I see his winter coat is coming in nicely. All we need is a gold chain and a nightclub and we’ll have ourselves one hell of a looker. Jon: I’m pretty sure this guy would run around buck-hairy-ass-naked if he didn’t need pockets for his candy bars.

Jon: This is an age-old story of the haves and the have-nots. He’s clearly strutting around with enough fabric in those bell bottoms to make a sail, and yet that other poor girl hasn’t got enough for even a decent tube top. Brittney-Jade: I have to wear these stupid white bell bottoms?! IT’S EVEN AFTER LABOR DAY! Greg gets to wear jeans, Why can’t I?! My sister gets to walk around topless! MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA! Corey: Jerry, on the left, is following the ‘worms’ sign inside to buy some night-crawlers so he can take the homeless children fishing. The homeless children that have been taking shelter under his bell-bottoms since Tuscon.

Corey: “It says Smoked Sausage on the package,” says Franklin. “So you smoke it. Like a cigarette.” Jon: This is the precise moment we know the kids are in a heap of trouble. Pam’s hand gets stuck in the van’s window, Kirk becomes mesmerized by his own reflection in a puddle, and Franklin suddenly sprouts a very large wart. Brittney-Jade: I use my bandannas as shirts all the time. Especially when hanging out with my two-tone denim boyfriend. And my double denim handicapped pal.

Jon: He may be a murderous cannibal, but Leatherface knows how to dress the part of a proper Texas host. Notice the matching lime-green apron and facial mask, accentuated with a delightfully droll tie depicting a slab of fatback ham. Corey: The mask may say “it’s party-time,” but the tie tells you he’s all business. Brittney-Jade: Someone is in desperate need of some botox and a washing machine. At least Gerber baby food green is the new black.

Brittney-Jade: Greg has gotten all grown up now, complete with Burt Reynolds chest hair. He’s been trying to grow the moustache for years, but this’ll do for now. Jon: I get the feeling that at any moment he’s going to do a soft-shoe routine to the tune of “I’m Just a Gigalo” Corey: I was thinking he looked more like he’s about to replicate Robert Hays’ “Staying Alive” disco scene from Airplane.

Corey: Craig’s List can be really hit-or-miss. The description said “ADORABLE Overstuffed Reclining Love Seat $300!” Jon: THIS is what happens when you order a couch from Ikea and then assemble it after doing way too much peyote. Brittney-Jade: Even Billy Mays couldn’t sell me this. Zombie Billy Mays…that’s a different story.

Brittney-Jade:I feel like this is the shirt Zack Braff rejected for Garden State, but the glasses that inspired Sally Jessy Raphael. Jon: Riiiiiiii-cola! Corey: Jerry had a solid plan of wearing clothing that blended into the underbrush to avoid detection from local cannibals, but his unfortunate habit of screaming Skynard lyrics at the top of his lungs when nervous did eventually draw Leatherface’s attention.

Corey: Jerry was horribly embarrassed when he realized he’d accidentally worn a throw rug that morning and left his shirt out for Stanley Steamer. Brittney-Jade: Poor guy, the darts he put in his shirt actually accentuated his man boobs. This is why I get my clothes fixed by Americans. Jon: That’s either the ugliest shirt I’ve ever seen, or it’s a very clever attempt to disguise himself as the rug that’s draped across the railing.

Jon: I find it disturbing that Leatherface look so incredibly sad in this picture. It’s as if he’s spent the entire day in the kitchen, then got all dressed up, put on his best skin mask, and nobody has shown up for the party. Corey: So ronery… Brittney-Jade: That’s the last time I’m buying facial lotion from Buffalo Bill.

Jon: Grandpa has the kind of confidence you just don’t see in contemporary horror villains. He’s brazenly wearing a pink shirt with a polka-dot tie, and he is so relaxed and calm that he can just nod right off in the middle of his own movie. Corey: Say what you will about the Leatherface clan, but there’s no denying their fashion ethic. Even when slicing meat or bashing in a girl’s head with a hammer, a tie is a MUST. Do they eat people… yes, yes they do. But they do so with unmatched style and sophistication. Brittney-Jade: Apparently, he didn’t get the memo that we weren’t buying facial lotion from Buffalo Bill anymore. He did however dress up for dinner, glad to see we have our priorities in line. I wonder if he pinkies out at dinner…

Corey: Wearing the tie outside the apron earns Leatherface 10 out of 10 for style, but loses several points for being a safety hazard. You’ve never known embarrassment until you’ve gotten your tie caught in your chainsaw blade and had to explain to the young girl you were chasing why it’ll be a few minutes before you can slice her up while you sort this mess out. Jon: It looks good, but it’s impractical. Look at all that blood. That’s what aprons are for. Now he’s going to have to waste precious time washing those stains out of his favorite tie. Brittney-Jade: Its okay guys, he’ll just kill Bill Cosby’s wardrobe designer and turn another one of his sweaters into a tie. We all know inbred cannibals are good with needle and thread.

Jon: Secretly, Leatherface has been dressing up as Julia Child and working on a book entitled “Mastering the Art of French Cooking for Cannibals.” Corey: Leatherface actually wears three different masks in the film, each intended for a different activity. in addition to the “lounging around the house and freaking people the fuck out” mask and the “sitting down for dinner with the family and freaking people the fuck out mask,” here we have the “cooking/cleaning and freaking the people the fuck out” mask. Brittney-Jade: I believe this is the “late night show and freaking people the fuck out” mask. I’m surprised Jay Leno hasn’t sued them for copyright infringement for stealing his chin and wearing it as their own.

Jon: This is kielbasa! I asked for Wiener Schnitzel! Brittney-Jade: I know, your food is touching. I wouldn’t be happy either. I’m sure you could separate them with your nipples though. Just calm yourself. Corey: You slave over an open stove all day, and then you have to tie them down to a chair made out of human limbs just to get them to eat… dating vegetarians can be such a hassle.

Jon: It’s sad, really, seeing the once youthful and vibrant Joker get all sad and corpulent in his later years. Corey: This image perfectly represents everything I remember about “Mrs. Doubtfire.” Brittney-Jade: DAMN IT LEATHERFACE, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT MOMMY’S MAKEUP IS EXPENSIVE AND NOT A PLAYTHING. That’s it mister, no chainsaw for you. Go to your room.

Corey: The dangers of trying to touch-up your lipstick in the rear-view mirror… Jon: I like this gal’s style. Sure, she’s about to be horribly mutilated by a vicious killer, but that’s no reason she can’t spice it up with jazz hands. Brittney-Jade: Carrie, you had your movie. Get out of here.

Jon: Now, it’s one thing to stuff yourself into a suit that’s clearly three sizes too small. But he’s acting downright silly if he thinks he can make those clown feet of his fit into those wee cowboy boots. Brittney-Jade: I ordered ‘chase people with a chainsaw with ease’ boots. Hell, I’ll settle for boots ‘made for walking.’ But these ’sitting’ boots are NOT what were described on my eBay auction. Corey: Little known trivia factoid: Leatherface accidentally invented the 1980s trend of ripped jeans.

Jon: “Don’t do it…” Corey: Leatherface demonstrates the “turn away then face the mirror real quickly — the first thing you see, take it off” rule of accessorizing. In this case, he chooses to lose the tie — it’s just competing visually too heavily with the blood-and-sinew-choked chainsaw and the sun-dried flesh mask. Brittney-Jade: Now I know where you got the makeup idea from, that’s the last time you’re hanging out with that Ledger kid.

Related posts:

1. Villanelle Review of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part Two
2. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
3. The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake Part 2

Psycho Ward (2008)
A group of urban researchers set about exploring an abandoned psychiatric hospital with a terrible history, but are they prepared for the horrifying, possibly supernatural secrets hidden within its crumbling walls? No sooner do they get there than the would-be explorers begin to vanish mysteriously, and soon they must band together and use their wits, knowledge and resourcefulness to survive the terror of the Pyscho Ward.

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of December 8th, 2009
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of December 29th, 2009
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of September 15th, 2009

• The Twelve Deaths of Black Christmas
  Monster Land
  “To ring in the holiday season, I’m bringing you 12 deaths of the Black Christmas remake.”
• Get Your Xmas Presents Here
  Hey! Look Behind You!
  “If you’re looking for something to get your horror loving friends or if you want to add on to your wish list, here are some suggestions.”
• Gifts For Horror Movie Bloggers
  Zombos Closet of Horror
  If anyone reading this feels strongly compelled to buy me a Christmas present, this list is a good place to look (I’m particularly keen on “The Rough Guide to Horror Movies”).
• Xmas Horror
  Kindertrauma
  Name the Christmas-themed films in this list of stills and win a Kindertrauma T-shirt.
• Monster Crazy
  With its daily installments of horror-themed artwork, posters, and stills, this blog is my new addiction.
• Going Out on a Limb: Trees in Horror
  Fascination with Fear
  
• Thirteen Scarier Movie Moments
  Monster Land
  

email suggestions for next week’s community highlights to jon@evilontwolegs.com

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – December 19, 2009
2. Horror Community Highlights – December 6, 2009
3. Horror Community Highlights – November (Friday the) 13th, 2009

one might think that long extinct carnivorous dinosaurs might not fit into a teenage vampire love-story, but if you were that one, you would be sorely mistaken. as these images clearly show, i think raptors were the missing ingredient from the twilight saga… had they actually been included in the print and film versions of the stories, perhaps they would not have been such financial failures and so clearly alienated the critical demographic of female 12-16 year-olds.

Related posts:

1. If only this were real…

Pick of the Week

Carriers (2009)
As a lethal virus spreads across the globe, brothers Brian (Chris Pine) and Danny (Lou Taylor Pucci), along with Bobby (Piper Perabo) and Kate (Emily VanCamp), seek a supposed plague-free haven. But while circumventing those infected, the travelers begin to turn against one another. Real-life brothers Alex Pastor and David Pastor write and direct this apocalyptic chiller, which co-stars Christopher Meloni.

Plaguers (2008)
When sexy intergalactic pirates disguised as nurses infiltrate a ship transporting much-needed fuel to Earth, they unwittingly unleash a malicious alien power that turns the ship’s inhabitants into bloodthirsty space zombies. Now, pirates and crew must band together to destroy the evil force before the infected vessel reaches Earth. Director Brad Sykes helms this sci-fi horror flick that stars Steve Railsback and Alexis Zibolis.

Home Movie (2008)
Lutheran minister David Poe (Adrian Pasdar) has documented just about every moment of his twins’ lives on his camcorder. But even he and his therapist wife, Clare (Cady McClain), don’t see the terror living under their roof in the form of their twins, Jack and Emily. This chilling assemblage of snippets from David’s camera reveals the children’s horrific behavior, random acts of violence the Poes are unable to stop until it’s too late.

The Skeptic (2008)
Ignoring the odd circumstances of his aunt’s death and ominous warnings about her abandoned Victorian, cynical attorney Bryan Beckett (Tim Daly) moves into the house. But before you can say “boo,” things that go bump in the night make him question his sanity. Writer-director Tennyson Bardwell’s supernatural tale — by turns comic and creepy — also stars Zoe Saldana, Tom Arnold, Edward Herrmann and Robert Prosky.

New to Blu-ray

• The Alphabet Killer
• Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
• While She Was Out
• Jack Brooks: Moster Slayer

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of December 29th, 2009
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of December 15th, 2009
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of June 23th, 2009

• Dear Santa
  The Horror Section
  A Christmas wish-list that EVERY horror fan should read. And I mean right now!
• Film Recommendations for December 4th
  Hey! Look Behind You!
  I will fully endorse any list of films that recommends both Serenity AND Troll 2.
• Final Curtains – The Rant for Better Endings
  No Room In Hell
  “When was the law written that states every horror movie has to end in either one last jump, a dream sequence, or a final scene where the remaining characters are placed back into certain doom after the audience was falsely convinced they were safe?”
• Mr. Johnny Sandman’s Stance on Remakes
  The Paradise of Horror
  I don’t really mind remakes, and don’t always see what all the fuss is about, but I will agree with Johnny that we need to draw the line with The Exorcist and Jaws.
• He Knows You’re Alone
  Vegan Voorhees
  I love reviews of classic films, especially when they make me want to watch them again. This review is a case in point.
• Silent Night, Bloody Night (Part 1 of 8)
  In It For The Kills
  This isn’t Silent Night, DEADLY Night, but you can watch the first part of a classic Christmas horror movie to put you in the proper Holiday mood.

email suggestions for next week’s community highlights to jon@evilontwolegs.com

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – December 11, 2009
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of December 1st, 2009
3. Horror Community Highlights – December 27, 2010

not quite hollywood: the wild, untold story of ozploitation!
currently available via netflix watch instantly, i watched not quite hollywood on a whim, knowing nothing about it and little about its subject matter (australian exploitation films of the 70s and 80s). having watched it twice now, i can’t believe i hadn’t heard of this documentary before. much like the 32nd street trailer compilations, this is a must-see for fans of horror and exploitation cinema. unlike those compilations though, this documentary is a highly polished and has an interesting story to tell as it traces the history and influence of australian exploitation films. interviews with directors like quentin tarantino, greg mclean, james wan and leigh whannell show the influence of “ozploitation” on modern classics like death proof, saw and wolf creek. go watch it. like, right f’ing now. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

hardware
i remember seeing hardware as a kid and really liking it but thinking “there’s something going on here i’m not old enough to understand.” almost twenty years later i can see what that was. there’s a surreal “i just graduated from art-school” style to many scenes in the film that didn’t resonate with my fifteen year old self. ironically, those aspects of the film don’t do much for my thirty-four year old self either as they make a relatively simple horror story occasionally come across as pompous and self-indulgent. i really should have seen this film in my early twenties when i was eating up ’self-indulgent’ and ‘pompous’ like it was my job.

that said — i really liked hardware as a kid, and i really like it now. the story is both simple and unique. in an unspecified but decidedly crappy vision of the future, a scavenger brings home a piece of mechanical junk to his girlfriend for use in her sculptures. unfortunately for her and everyone she knows, the piece of junk turns out to be part of a murderous robot that rebuilds itself from pieces of surrounding junk and begins killing everyone it encounters. imagine a horror version of bladerunner with a healthy sprinkling of fallout 3 on top (right down to the over-the-top post-apocalyptic radio dj). the robot looks a little silly at times by today’s standards (and, given its low-budget, even by 1990 standards), but this is definitely a sci-fi/horror gem worth seeking out… if no other reason, to hear the ‘wibberly-wobberly’ song sung by the creepy/chubby/peeping-tom/stalker guy.

Oh we all walk the Wibberly-Wobberly walk.
And we all talk the Wibberly-Wobberly talk.
And all we all wear Wibberly-Wobberly ties.
And we look at all the pretty girls with Wibberly-Wobberly eyes.

spine tingler! the william castle story
spine tingler! is a documentary showcasing the life of famous horror film director/producer william castle. viewed as the poor-man’s alfred hitchcock, castle’s films are generally remembered for their gimmicks rather than their quality. for example, the house on haunted hill was filmed in “emergo” (an elaborate film process involving a rubber skeleton on a string that floated above the audience) and the tingler featured “percepto” (wherein castle famously rigged certain audience seats with electric buzzers). lovingly told from the perspective of family, friends and fans, spine tingler! is a fascinating look at both william castle’s life and his contribution to the horror genre.

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of October 20th, 2009
2. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (ghost house edition)
3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (gore & Megan Fox edition)

buy the twilight commentary track at rifftrax.com/rifftrax/twilight

Related posts:

1. MST3k Does Horror
2. Golden Turkey: Top Five Silliest Things About Twilight
3. Vampire Showdown: Twilight vs Let the Right One In

Pick of the Week

Deadline (2009)
When Alice (Brittany Murphy), a fragile scribe, seeks peace so she can complete her screenplay before a deadline, she moves to a remote, deserted country house. Soon, baffling noises ignite her imagination and pursuit to discover the force behind the mind games. Will she meet her deadline or end up dead? Sean McConville writes and directs this psychological thriller while Thora Birch, Tammy Blanchard and Marc Blucas co-star.

Silent Night, Deadly Night Boxset (1989, 1990, 1991)
Includes:
Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker

New to Blu-ray

• Gremlins

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of July 7th, 2009
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of December 22nd, 2009
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of December 8th, 2009

• The Bird is the Word!
  Arbogast on Film
  Gooble-gobble-hey!
• Our Favorite Turkeys
  Lost Highway’s B-Movie Reviews
  “In honor of a day of massive turkey consumption we thought it would be appropriate to bring you our favorite movie turkeys of all times.”
• What I’m Thankful For
  The Horror Effect
  What do Bruce Campbell and German Expressionism have in common? They’re both on this list of things that every horror fan should be thankful for.
• Thanksgiving Horror Films
  Hey! Look behind you!
  A list of films perfect for Thanksgiving, but also appropriate for any food-related holiday.
• The Boris Karloff Blogathon: Day 5
  Frankensteinia
  
• The Uncanny Women of Boris Karloff
  Day of the Woman
  
• Zombies: The Boris Karloff Connection
  The Zed Word: Zombie Blog
  

email suggestions for next week’s community highlights to jon@evilontwolegs.com

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – November 20, 2009
2. Horror Community Highlights – August 14, 2009
3. Horror Community Highlights – November (Friday the) 13th, 2009

when john at zomboscloset sent out a call for “golden turkeys” (movies so bad, they’re good), twilight is the first thing that jumped to mind. for the horror fan, twilight is a near non-stop work of comedic genius. where else are you going to see vampires playing baseball in the day and watch people base an entire romantic relationship around how the girl’s blood smells? what other vampire movie posits the cure for getting bit by a vampire is to get bit by another, slightly nicer vampire? you may call this film vapid, silly, dumb and insulting… all of which it is. but it’s also a near-perfect mix of unintentional humor, ed wood quality dialogue and self-satirizing views on romance.

my apologies to any twi-hards or hard-lights or whatever twilight fans are called… but wow, this movie is bad. in my mind, it’s so horribly silly and overdone that it actually pushes the dial all the way around on the quality meter, breaking through to the other side… this is truly a movie deserving of the description “so bad, it’s good.” so, in honor of the upcoming thanksgiving holiday, i hereby declare twilight as the first annual 2009 eo2l golden turkey award winner. as further evidence of it deserving such a prestigious honor, i give you the top 5 silliest things about twilight.

5. vegetarian vampires. edward and his family drink deer’s blood and refer to themselves as ‘vegetarian’ vampires. since neither vampires nor vegetarians drink deer’s blood, neither term is really very accurate. also… what happens if they accidentally leave a deer close to death, but not completely drained? i am hopeful that new moon’s plot revolves around a blood-sucking fawn preying on the local high school populace.

4. this moment. i haven’t read the books, so i can’t explain in detail what the intended interpretation of this moment in the film is, but my best guess is this: edward catches a whiff of bella’s hairspray, gets a sudden and surprising erection and then throws up in his mouth. given that he’s a high school boy, as far as first reactions to meeting a girl go, that’s not really that horrible.

3. spider monkey. “you’d better hold on tight, spider monkey.” as horrible as that line is, it was almost worse as these were two of the other six possible options (i kid you not) given to the actors. with writing this solid, the movie was pretty much guaranteed to become the cultural phenomena we are witness to today.

Edward: Wrap your legs around me like a spider monkey.
Bella: Done.

Edward: Got a good grip? Don’t let go.
Bella: No chance of that, buddy.

2. vampire baseball. i may be alone in this opinion, but there are few things as funny as watching vampires hop around the grass and leap into the sky like coked-up flying squirrels, chasing after a baseball. this concept is at least moderately understandable when it existed only in the imagination of one strange little woman… but the fact that a group of dozens (if not hundreds) involved in the making of this film took that idea off the page, thought it was wise to put it on film and carried through with it is truly inexplicable.

1. sparkly vampires. i’m not one of those purists that says ‘you cannot tinker with vampire mythology’… as far as i’m concerned, tinker away. some of my favorite vampire films (e.g., near dark) ignore certain established conventions, so that is not my gripe with twilight. the problem is that, no matter how you cut it, vampires that sparkle in the sunlight like a twelve year-old girl’s blinged-out cell phone are silly. you can say melodramatic things like “this is the face of a killer” while sparkling, if you like… but that’s not going to affect the inherent silliness of daylight-twinkling vampires one little bit. it’s such a mind-numbingly stupid concept, that when i first saw twilight, it was hard for me to believe that anyone could take the movie seriously… but as this weekend’s box office for new moon shows, i was dead wrong about that. i have yet to see the sequel, but i am hopeful that it will be filled with the same silliness and over-the-top cheesiness that entertained me so in the first film and earned it the 2009 golden turkey award.

Related posts:

1. Vampire Showdown: Twilight vs Let the Right One In
2. The Best of Twilight Rifftrax
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of March 17th, 2009

Pick of the Week

The Silent Scream (1980)
Terror floods the screen in this stylish classic from the golden age of slasher films. College student Scotty Parker (Rebecca Balding) becomes a boarder with the Engels family and soon learns that a murderer resides in their creepy mansion. After other students are killed, Scotty grows more and more fearful of Mrs. Engels (Yvonne De Carlo) and her son. Two policemen race to stop the slayings, but will they be in time to save Scotty?

Blood Moon Rising (2009)
Adult-film legend Ron Jeremy headlines this horror flick about an army of evil beings who rise from hell at the behest of the devil’s daughter, Lucy. Now, the fate of the world rests in the hands of Lucy’s hippie great-great-granddaughter, Sadie. With comic-book geek Darrell (Neal Trout) by her side, Sadie battles zombies, vampires and other creepy creatures. Laurie Love does double duty playing Lucy and Sadie.

Reborn (2009)
When a newlywed couple buys a foreclosed house in the Arizona desert, they think they’ve found their dream home. But this is no ordinary house: It was once the site of gruesome murders by the half-machine serial killer Motorman Dan. Too late, they learn that Motorman’s bloody rampage is far from over. Jimmy Flowers returns as the mechanical monstrosity in this sequel that also stars David C. Hayes, Davina Joy, Kathleen Benner and Kevin Moyers.

The Witches Hammer (2006)
Top secret Project 571 brings Rebecca (Claudia Coulter) back from death, turning her into a vampire assassin tasked with killing other vampires. But when a gang of the undead destroys Project 571, Rebecca fights to keep the souls of the damned off the earth. Joining forces with two priests, she must kill master vampire Hugo Renoir before he releases the damned souls and forces earth into eternal darkness in this horror adventure.

Devil Girl (2007)
Following her dad’s death, daring damsel Fay (Jessica Graham) motors down Route 66 until a mechanical problem strands her in a small town. While trying to fix her car, Fay endures nightmarish ordeals with several creepy locals, including one highly disturbing clown (Joe Wanjai Ross). Full of non-stop thrills, this fast-paced horror movie co-stars Vanessa Kay, Tim Abell, Willow Hale and Elina Madison.

House of Fears (2007)
Unrest star Corri English headlines this haunted house shocker about a group of teens forced to confront their most primal fears. All they wanted was to experience a cheap thrill or two by exploring a house that was said to be haunted, but after discovering an exotic artifact these six teens will become trapped in a labyrinthine house of unimaginable horrors. Will anyone be left to tell their horrifying tale when the morning sun ascends over the horizon, or could this evil be powerful enough to consume them all body and soul?

New to Blu-ray

• Angel Heart
• The Monster Squad
• My Bloody Valentine
• Frailty
• Cujo
• Blood: The Last Vampire

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of March 24th, 2009
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of November 17th, 2009
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of November 3rd, 2009

• Eyes without a Face
  Uranium Cafe
  A smart and pithy review about the smart and pithy 1960 French film.
• Horror Movies for Thanksgiving
  Kindertrauma
  Halloween gets all the glory, but there’s plenty of Turkey-day gore in this terrific list.
• Movie Poster Friday – The “Don’t” Edition
  Final Girl
  Don’t answer the phone, don’t go in the woods alone, don’t go in the park, don’t go in the house, and don’t look now. But do read this post.
• What America Needs, Is More Zombies.
  Horror Society
  BJC of Day of the Woman offers this bit of advice about how to cope in a week that promises to be dominated by moody, effervescing teen-age vampires.
• What About Near Dark?
  The Paradise of Horror
  “But if you want a good vampire story about teen love and violence then avoid Twilight and see Near Dark.” I’ll second that.

email suggestions for next week’s community highlights to jon@evilontwolegs.com

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – September 18th, 2009
2. Horror Community Highlights – November 27, 2009
3. Horror Community Highlights – November (Friday the) 13th, 2009

The Birds
(Czechoslovakia)

Dawn of the Dead
(Germany)

Carrie
(Turkey)

Carrie
(Spain)

The Exorcist
(Turkey)

The Howling
(Belgium)

Friday the 13th
(Australia)

Friday the 13th Part 2
(Turkey)

King Kong
(Spain)

Psycho
(Czechoslovakia)

A Nightmare on Elm St.
(Germany)

A Nightmare on Elm St.
(Russia)

The Omen
(Czechoslovakia)

The Omen
(Turkey)

Return of the Living Dead
(France)

Scanners
(Italy)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(France)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(Italy)

Terror Train
(Germany)

Related posts:

1. Horror Posters: Japan
2. Is HATCHET a Slasher Film?
3. Horror Posters: Poland

Pick of the Week

Train (2008)
College athlete Alex (Thora Birch) and her teammates are in for one hell of a ride when, after a night of heavy partying, they miss a train to their next meet in Europe and unwittingly accept alternate transport from a stranger — with deadly consequences. The international gore-fest from director Gideon Raff (The Killing Floor) was shot in Bulgaria and takes bloody inspiration from a rash of news reports about real crimes in Eastern Europe.

Thirst (2009)
When the smoke clears from a failed experiment to find a cure for a fatal disease, a devout priest finds himself forever changed. Specifically, he’s a vampire — but that isn’t the only thing that’s different. Now he’s also willing to commit adultery with the wife of his childhood friend, a sin he never would have considered before. Kang-ho Song, Ha-kyun Shin and Ok-bin Kim co-star in this horror offering from Korean director Chan-wook Park.

Vampire Party (2008)
Equal parts Airplane! and Shaun of the Dead, this vampire spoof finds friends Sam Polisatokoniminsky (Patrick Mille), Alice (Frédérique Bel) and Prune (Julie Fournier) invited to a party at a rural mansion. Too late, they discover that they’re on the evening’s menu for their bloodsucking hosts. As merriment turns to mayhem, the trio encounters a plethora of bizarre situations (and groan-inducing sight gags) in their attempt to escape.

Basement Jack (2008)
Eleven years after slaying fifteen people including his own mother, serial killer Jack Riley sets out to finish what he started in this low-budget slasher opus. Jack Riley was just seventeen years old when he embarked on the brutal killing spree that earned him the dubious nickname Basement Jack. Eleven years later Jack’s still dangerous as ever, and he’s about to be released from the state asylum.

Penance (2009)
Inspired by actual events, Days of Darkness director\co-screenwriter Jake Kennedy’s sophomore shocker tells the story of single mother Amelia (Marieh Delfino), who turns to stripping as a means of making ends meet and winds up the unwilling subject of a grim purification ritual. When sexy dancer Suzy takes a beating that leaves her unable to perform, she asks Amelia to cover her latest gig. Reluctantly accepting so her friend can convalesce, Amelia begins to grow uneasy when her driver (Tony Todd) taxis her to a dark and remote location. Once inside, Amelia finds herself imprisoned with a number of other unchaste women by a sadistic captor (Graham McTavish) who uses various torture methods to rid them of their impurities.

Bangkok Haunted (2001)
Join horror specialists Oxide Pang (The Eye) and Pisuth Praesang-lam for a terrifying trip into the unknown in this frightful collection of three skin-crawling tales that are sure to give viewers more than a few sleepless nights. When an antiques dealer discovers an ancient instrument that appears to open a gateway between two worlds, she soon finds that you may never truly know yourself as well as you think you do in “Legend of the Drum.” An aphrodisiac that claims to be the most potent way of attracting the opposite sex around proves more effective than a customer ever imagined in the cautionary tale “Black Magic Woman,” and a haunted police cadet in search of the truth behind a young girl’s suicide finds that some mysteries are better left unsolved in “Revenge.”

New to Blu-ray

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of March 17th, 2009
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of November 10th, 2009
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of November 3rd, 2009

• The Faces of Jason
  Monster Land
  For maximum nostalgic effect, read this terrific post to the tune of “Memories.”
• The Fine Art Of Friday The 13th
  Kindertrauma
  Name these scenes from the Friday the 13th series and win a copy of Part Six.
• Friday the 13th…
  Pluck You Too
  Take a brief tour of Blairstown, where Friday the 13th was filmed.
• Happy Friday the 13th! Join The Celebration
  Friday the 13th Blog
  Celebrate the 13th with modernized versions of classic trailers, an interview with Adrienne King, and a chance to win the film’s original LP soundtrack.
• Sexy Psychos
  Vegan Voorhees
  If you are man or woman enough to admit that you have “watched a slasher film and, when the murderous fiend is unmasked, thought, ‘I’m strangely attracted to that person,’” then this post is for you.

email suggestions for next week’s community highlights to jon@evilontwolegs.com

Related posts:

1. Friday the 13th (2009)
2. Horror Community Highlights – November 20, 2009
3. Horror Community Highlights – November 6, 2009

1. Dracula (1931)
When I was five years old, the Book Mobile came to my elementary school every other month or so. I couldn’t yet read anything more advanced than “Run Spot Run,” so I never got all that excited about it, until one day I noticed this big, glossy book with lots of photos and movie stills from what I later came to know as classic Universal horror films. I gave up my ice-cream money for that book, and pretty much wore the thing out. I loved the pictures of the The Fly, The Mummy, and The Wolfman, but it was Bela Lugosi’s Dracula that hooked me more than the others. Of course, I couldn’t articulate why I was so interested in his character, but I think it was his combination of menace and sophistication, animal ferocity and cultivation. As a kid, it gave me a whole new way to think about the monsters that I thought lurked beneath my bed. Even though I begged them, my parents never did let me actually watch Browning’s Dracula until I was much older, but Bela Lugosi’s strange portrayal captivated my childhood imagination for years.

2. The Omen (1976)
I was around ten years old when this film started making its way into the movie of the week circuit, and one weekend I stayed up late and sneaked into my parent’s basement to watch it. I remember thinking the story was a little boring and hard to follow, until I realized that the kid in the film was not human, and this his parents were probably going to have to kill him. As an adult, I really don’t care for this film, but as a kid, it was shocking to think about the fact that the relationship between children and adults can be violent and antagonistic. And I can distinctly remember spending hours the next day in front of the bathroom mirror looking for a 666 birth-mark hidden deep in my scalp.

3. The Shining (1980)
I grew up in a rural town, so it was a really big deal when we finally got cable one summer. As part of a promotional package, we got two free weeks of Showtime, which I pretty much watched non-stop. Most of the time, I’d gather the neighborhood boys to watch Emmanuel, but one day in the middle of the week I decided to watch The Shining by myself. It might have been the creepy music, the claustrophobic setting, the story’s uncanny blend of real-life and supernatural threats, or the fact that much of the film is from Danny’s point-of-view, but The Shining effed me up like no film ever has, or likely ever will again. Even though this film scarred my fragile adolescent psyche, it had at least one positive effect. For the rest of the summer, I dreaded being inside or in any kind of confined space, so I spent most of my remaining free time learning to play baseball. It turned out to be a pretty good summer. Still, like Danny’s insatiable curiosity to peak behind door #237, I knew I’d never get rid of my new-found need to see if the next horror film would scare me as badly as The Shining.

4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Around the age of thirteen, I discovered slashers and rented every one of them I could find at the local video store. I came to love all that low-budget gore, cheesy dialogue, and lurid stories about relentless killers and intrepid teenage survivors. And then I rented The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It was unlike any slasher I had ever seen. It didn’t follow any of the conventions, and it didn’t even seem like a movie at all, but an hour and twenty minutes of raw, uncut screaming and brutality. I didn’t have enough savvy at the time to understand that Hooper used a deliberate “documentary” aesthetic to give the film a kind of gritty naturalism. But I did learn that when it comes to horror films, the rules of conventional story-telling or standard decency don’t always apply, and that no other genre of film could be more thrilling.

5. Return of the Living Dead (1985)
As a teenager, I learned so many things from this film. First, I learned that zombie films aren’t just gory social commentary about our own inhumanity, but can be smart, funny, and provocative, all at the same time. Second, I learned that punk rockers have the coolest nicknames, i.e., Trash, Scuz, Spider, and Suicide. Third, I learned that no matter how much I would come to hate my after-school job as a bag boy, it couldn’t get any worse than Freddy’s first day on the job at the Uneeda Medical Supply Company. And finally, I learned that 1985 was THE year that defined the zeitgeist of that decade, but NOT because of The Breakfast Club. For me, the 80s will always be best defined by The Return of the Living Dead. In fact, this film is unique to this list in that none of the above films still scare me like they did when I was a kid, but this one takes me right back to 1985 and still entertains me every single time I watch it.

Related posts:

1. Childhood Horrors
2. Movies Every Horror Fan Has Seen (Except Me)
3. Where Have all the Real Horror Films Gone?