With Fear and Great Joy

A Much Needed Vacation

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 05:12:00 +0000

So we're a year and three months into this adoptive-parenting/parenting-three-kids thing, and we were in desperate need of a breather. I know there are parents of larger families that go years and years without getting away together as a couple for a break, but my hubby and I are not ones that would survive that. What can I say; we're weaklings!

Everything in our life has taken a beating this past year it seems: our marriage, finances, mental health, physical health, relationships with some family and friends, our faith, even just having the time and energy for interests and hobbies. It's been hard.

The start of the new year has felt like the turning of a page, the beginning of a new chapter - agood chapter - in our family and our life. Things are beginning to feel, dare I say, kind of normal (more on that in a future post). There have already been some good changes (some of which I'm not even sure about how they came about) and I'm optimistic about implementing more, for the sake of my family, my marriage... myself!

So here's to a FABULOUS 2012 and beyond! This cruise was the perfect way to kick it off. So grateful for parents that were willing to take time off work and haul down to Nashville to watch our crazy kids for over a week. We are SO blessed!

Here's what we got to indulge in last week:

Fancy dinners, eaten at the appropriate temperature (not COLD), and with adult conversation to boot!

Being entertained, instead of entertaining (I wasn't the cruise director for a week!). Nightlife that didn't consist of folding laundry while watching stuff on Netflix. No putting kids to bed, and no worrying about having to get up early with them the next morning.

Fun in the tropics. Warm weather! Island time!

Doing nothing

Time to read! Uninterrupted!

Getting dressed up and having somewhere to go. Romance!

Having Silly Fun!

Fulfilling some dreams unexpectedly.

During a day at the beach David decided to seize the opportunity to go parasailing, which is something he has always wanted to do. AND I got to be in a flash mob on the cruise ship (Thriller-style)! I had no idea that opportunity would present itself, but it was so fun. I couldn't get the video on here, but it's on my Facebook timeline, which is linked on the sidebar, I believe.

Are We There Yet?

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 03:15:00 +0000

We had a miserable weekend. I had such high hopes for it to be a good one. My sister and her husband and daughter came to visit and what was supposed to be a fun outing on Saturday resulted in a major meltdown. One of the most major meltdowns we have had in MONTHS. It sucked. And it made me really mad.

Then Sunday morning rolled around and God spoke some encouragement to me through my pastor's sermon. I wish what He spoke to me was as easy to accept and believe as it was to hear. Because it's Monday evening and I'm not still not over what happened on Saturday, but perhaps sharing what was preached, and what was spoken to my heart in the margins, will help it actually penetrate my soul.

The message was titled "Expecting Salvation." My pastor started off by reminiscing about car trips at the holidays with him and his sister in the back seat fighting, and that immortal question of "are we there yet?" Funny because the height of the meltdown this weekend occurred in the backseat of our mini van. My pastor talked about Israel's, and our own, longing for deliverance. Oh, how I can sympathize with the longing for deliverance. A fellow adoptive mom and I recently talked about how we feel assured about our children's future, but she said it's the dash to that future that is SO hard. The now is tough, and I am often asking God, "Are we there yet?" ...Though I'm not sure what "there" is.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are You so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but You do not answer, by night, and am not silent. Yet you are enthroned as the Holy On; You are the praise of Israel. In You our fathers put their trust; they trusted and You delivered them. They cried to You and were saved; in You they trusted and were not disappointed. But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by men and despised by the people. All who see me mock me; they hurl insults, shaking their heads; "He trusts in the LORD; let the Lord rescue him. Let Him deliver him, since He delights in him." - Psalm 22:1-8

I feel those words to my core. I am tired. I am weary. I am longing for deliverance.

This weekend (the day of the big meltdown) one of my kids, and my niece, were both upset that money wasn't being spent on them. They wanted to buy something, and they refused to have fun unless money was spent. My sister and I said later said to one another that if they could just get it in their head that they aren't having anything bought for them, if they could just accept that and eliminate the expectation, they could have been happy and had fun on this special outing that was planned for them. I don't understand the entitlement thing.

But what God reminded me of on Sunday was that I am much like my own child. I have major entitlement issues. I get bogged down in my current circumstances because I feel things should be different. Life should be easier. But God says, "If you would just get it in your head that you do have something special. I have ponied up and PAID the price for you. It's so much more than XYZ that you are longing for. It's eternal life!"

This is what Isaiah son of Amoz saw concerning Judah and Jerusalem: In the last days the mountain of the LORD's temple will be established as chief among the mountains; it will be raised above the hills, and all nations will stream to it. Many people will come and say, "Come, let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the house of the God of Jacob. He will teach us His ways, so that we may walk in His paths." The law will go out from Zion, the word of the Lord from Jerusalem. He will judge between the nations and will settle disputes for many peoples. They will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not take up sword against nation, nor will they train for war anymore. Come, O house of Jacob, let us walk in the light of the LORD. - Isaiah 2:1-5

Simeon took Him in his arms and praised God saying: "sovereign Lord, as you have promised, You now dismiss Your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen Your salvation..." - Luke 2:28-30

There was also a prophetess, Anna, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was very old; she had lived with her husband seven years after her marriage, and then was a widow until she was eighty-four. She never left the temple but worshipped night and day, fasting and praying. Coming up to them at that very moment, she gave thanks to God and spoke about the child to all who were looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem. - Luke 2:36-38

My pastor pointed out that the call to salvation is this: I am saved. I am being saved. I will be saved. Maybe life isn't going the way I had hoped or dreamed or planned. But there can be peace, hope, joy, and strength in the midst of the meltdowns in the backseat of the van. There can be peace, hope, joy, and strength in the journey, in the dash, in the "are we there yet?" Because God is using it all to refine. There is fulfillment. There is a purpose. There is a destination: Jesus.

Christ has come! Hallelujah!

Christmas Crafting

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 05:02:00 +0000

I have been pinning away on Pinterest all fall, with plans of doing all kind of crafting with the kids this month. We have managed to eek out a few crafts in the midst of the Christmas crazies going on 'round here.

Aluminum Foil Icicles. So easy. We all had fun with these, and the 3 year old only needed very minimum help.

Tissue paper Christmas Trees - We made these over Thanksgiving and they were very tedious. We all lost interest fast, and we ended up cutting off the bottoms of these two puffy ones here just so we could be DONE. Mel decided gluing his flat on the tree would be faster. And my sister's was looking really cool, but she didn't even get hers halfway done.

I had this nifty idea to put the boys' train tracks around the Christmas tree, and then use empty food boxes and some inside-out wrapping paper to make a little village surrounding the tracks. The kids did have fun with this, but it didn't quite turn out as cute I was hoping.

Bubble Magnets! These were easy and fun. It did take a long time to make just a few of them, but I really enjoyed it. My older kids bailed pretty quick on the project, but my youngest helped me with a ton of these. We didn't have very strong magnets to put on the backs of ours, so they ended up being more about form than function. My three year old likes to play with them on the fridge though.

Beaded Ornaments. The kids were able to make these while I prepared dinner one evening. A simple, classic craft. I think my youngest actually ended up making a "wand" instead of an ornament.

This was a craft I did on my own, but kids could definitely help with it. I never appreciated how long a strand of lights is till I did this project. Phew! I did find that once I got the hang of it, it did go a lot faster. I did two strands of lights and the second one probably took me only half the amount of time as the first. Tedious, but adorable.

I have made TONS of recipes from ideas pinned on Pinterest. And I have made numerous Christmas gifts from ideas on there, but I obviously can't spoil any Christmas surprises by posting photos of that stuff.

Update

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 05:05:00 +0000

We had a great Thanksgiving. Almost unbelievably good. We spent it in Chicago with my side of the family and many family members and friends commented on how great our daughter was doing. It was a really wonderful weekend that I am so thankful for.

Then we came home from Chicago and our little bubble was burst. I had been so jazzed about the Christmas season, but so far, it hasn't been very jolly in our house. There are some changes that have come to pass, and that have yet to come to pass that have a certain child on edge. Changes, plus the Christmas crazies, plus some school stress, plus knowing that mom and dad are going away for a week in January (thank God!), all make for a perfect storm. And when the storm is in your family, in your house, all the time... well, it rains and pours on us all and it often feels like there is no place you can go to get dry.

I am praying that we are on the brink of another turning point. Satan seems to have it in for us here lately; my hard drive on my computer died, and then just as my husband got it all restored and back in order, my iPhone dropped on the driveway and the display shattered. There must be something good about to come because the enemy is trying to keep us down in the dust with one headache after another.

Thanksgiving Re-Do

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 03:22:00 +0000

Last Thanksgiving we messed up. Like one of those, we-read-all-the-attachment-books-but -still-tried-to-parent-our-child-with-traditional-methods messed up. I shudder when I think back on it. And apparently so does my daughter. She has been having a rough go this past week, thinking about the up-coming holiday. It's like she's having a post-traumatic response. You know it's serious when it's disrupting her school work and she's crying about in class. (Heap on some more Mommy-guilt.) Bless their ESL teacher, she has been concerned enough about her to help me brainstorm things we could do to ease her anxiety on the trip, even offering to loan some things to Mary that might help entertain her.

For a few days Mary denied it had anything to do with last year's events. Even when I said, "I wonder if you're thinking about last year?" But she's had such a good time the last couple times we visited Chicago that I knew she couldn't simply be stressing about this trip itself.

She finally came home from school one day and sat down and just bawled. Then she started going through exactly what happened last year, and saying "_______ is going to happen, and _________ is going to happen..." It provided one of those wonderful opportunities for me to model remorse and seek forgiveness (I did my best to channel The Great Christine Moers). I told her that mommies and daddies sometimes make mistakes, and that last year we made a big mistake. I told her that I wished we could go back and un-do it, but we can't. But that this year, we can re-do it, and things will be much different. My son was sitting there too and we all talked about how last year Mommy and Daddy still had a lot to learn. "Why?" they asked. "Well, because we had never done this kind of parenting. And just like it's been hard for you, it's been hard for Mommy and Daddy too. We've all had to learn a lot and adjust to a lot."

It felt like a big healing moment. And I have only heard one worry over Thanksgiving since that talk (as opposed to literally the constant anxious chatter and whining that had been going on previous to it). I know she's still anxious. And it will probably become more and more apparent as we inch closer to our trip. But I think there is more trust there now, and that seems to be providing her with some comfort.

Would love your prayers for Mary as we go through Thanksgiving here.

Thanksgiving was merely one of the first of many parenting mistakes I have made over the past year. And I'm sure there are many more to come. And all the trauma moms said, "Amen!" But we're always learning, aren't we? Anybody wanna make me feel better by sharing one of your therapeutic parenting screw-up moments? :)

Stuff That Hides

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 21:00:00 +0000

The past week or two has been hard. Things had seemingly been going so well and I felt it was time to wean off some medicine I was on. Big mistake. All the my old issues that seemed long gone came raging back... with a vengeance. I guess the medicine had merely been masking them.

Now that I'm back on my medicine, I'm remembering how long and hard the climb out of the deep, black pit can be. It feels like I'm never going to feel normal again. I am taking some serious steps toward working through all my STUFF though. It doesn't feel like it's going to change anything, but I'm trying to stay hopeful.

Depression and anxiety SUCK. They are the worst illnesses I have ever had to wade through. The. Worst. If you have never experienced them, I don't know if there are words to even describe it to you. Just consider yourself very lucky.

If you think of it, please keep me in your prayers.

Then and Now

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 06:30:00 +0000

Now that we are entering into our second year together as a family, we are beginning to celebrate events and holidays for the second time. And I can't help but compare then to now. Halloween was the first major event after our kids came home a year ago. Can you imagine how confused they must have been? They totally rolled with it though, and seemed to really enjoy themselves last year. And this year they were even more into it... and more opinionated about their costumes and such. (Although, I do remember a tiff last year when Mel was jealous over all the dress up clothes that Mary got to choose from for her costume. He ended up running around one afternoon in his Spiderman costume with fairy wings and beaded necklaces draped over the top.)

Here's us at a local fall festival last year:

I'm smiling on the outside, but on the inside I was a mess of other stuff.

Here's us, last weekend, at the same festival:

Here's us on Halloween night last year:

Here's the kids on Halloween this year:

We had a wonderful Halloween this year. The biggest differences between last year and this year probably aren't glaringly obvious from the photos, because it was a difference in how we were all feeling on the inside. There was more peace and joy this year. More carefree fun. Last year everything was just new, and uncomfortable, and scary... for all five of us.

There are also some changes that aren't so enjoyable, even though they are changes that signify growth, and perhaps even healing, they just don't give me the warm fuzzies. I will opt not to share those photos, but I do have them!

One trauma mom reminded some of us others this week of some words that were spoken to her about our trauma kids: The steps forward are permanent, the regressions are temporary. Tonight I am grateful for all the many, permanent steps forwarded we have taken as a family this past year; that have made for some beautiful, and lasting photos we can cherish.

I would love to hear in the comments if you guys can see the same differences I'm seeing in the two sets of photos?

This Is My "Yes"

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 14:22:00 +0000

Life in our home has hit rough waters again. It doesn't matter how much I anticipate and expect a regression in my children (like around this one-year anniversary home), it still throws us all for a loop when it happens.

I recently read Kisses From Katie, by Katie Davis. It was a very inspiring book, and had me asking God what he wanted me to simply say "yes" to. "What's the next thing, God? Certainly you have called me to do more with my life." This is something I've been wrestling with for the past week or so.

Meanwhile, as I'm wrestling with the big questions of life, life in our house has become a moment to moment, day to day thing. We just try to get through each moment, each day, as best we can, hoping we don't screw up too bad. And frankly, it just sucks right now. Finding the joy has been a challenge.

I've heard other moms say that attachment issues are contagious, that it's nearly impossible to live with a child with attachment issues and not develop some (or many) of your own. I have found this to be true. Very true. When someone who lives in your house, someone that you're trying to love unconditionally, is continually pushing you away, it's tough to not start to withdraw and develop your own coping strategies so you don't go coo coo, or fall off the deep end (now might not have been the best time to wean off my anti-depressants).

I am feeling defeated. I feel like I can't do this anymore. It all feels in vain. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall most days, and I'm so done. I'm done caring. Because when I care, it hurts. And I'm in so much constant pain lately, I just want it to stop.

Now you see how attachment issues spread.

As I talked to God about it today though, he reminded me of how much I like to play the part of the pot and point my finger at the kettle. I am the kettle. This is what I do to God's heart on a regular basis. And yet, he never gives up on me. He doesn't close himself off and withdraw. He doesn't stop caring. In fact, He pulls me even closer.

"But You're God!" I told Him this morning. "I am human! I can. Not. Do. That. I can't." And then He told me I don't have to. He said He would do it for me. He asked if I remembered when He assured me of this long ago. (Yes, I did.) He asked me to simply let myself be used, to let myself be emptied and then filled with the Holy Spirit so that He could do the work. All I had to do was say, "Yes."

I'll be honest. I don't want to say "yes." But I asked God, and He answered. Surprise, surprise; it was not the answer I was expecting or hoping for when I asked God what the next "thing" was. But I'm learning that with adoption, God doesn't require merely a "yes" at the beginning of the whole process. He requires us to say "yes" over and over and over again. Often multiple times a day.

It's hard. And it really sucks right now. But for today, and for many days to come, this is my "yes."

Almost A Year

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 04:44:00 +0000

At this time last year, we were busily preparing for our long awaited trip to Ethiopia to bring home our kids. I was terrified, but thrilled too.

Now a year has passed and this is the obligatory one-year anniversary blog post... kind of. Like many things over the past year, this post is not what I imagined it would be. I have been sorting through old photos and video from the past year in an effort to put together a photo book, and possibly a video to commemorate the event, and that has been difficult. Looking through the old photos and videos, especially the ones from just before we left for Ethiopia, are painful. Painful because the past year has been hard, and there are many days that I feel the only thing I want to do is slip back into those old photos. And the rest of the photos from the past year, the ones of all five us home together as a family, are painful because like I said, this past year has been hard. I look at those photos and I can remember all those very raw and scary feelings that were pumping through my body when they were taken.

We have had to re-imagine our dreams for our family. And while we have come a long way in the past year, some days those hard moments come screeching back and remind me of how far we have to go.

I have heard so many other adoptive families talk about their "Gotcha Day" celebrations, but we will not be doing much celebrating here. This whole month will mostly consist of holding our breath, hanging on tight, and hoping we survive. We have one child who does not deal well with traumaversaries. At all. Even when it's not called to their attention, their internal clock is aware of it and puts their entire body on edge. It's been obvious for about a week or so that the stress has been building (they have been realizing that Halloween is coming around for the second time), and today it popped. It was like a soda can being shaken up and it fizzed all over everyone and everything. Very messy.

My kids have come a long way in the past year. And our day to day is dramatically different than it was even just a few months ago. But it's all still hard. It might always be hard. Lately I have had to wrestle through a lot of resentment to remember that it's worth it.

I just finished reading Kisses From Katie by Katie Davis, and this was one of the many parts I marked with my highlighter:

"'Do not forget in the darkness what you have been promised in the light.' When my days are dark and difficult, I am tempted to look around and think, Why? Why did I do this? Why would I take one more child?... What am I doing here? I do not usually forget the answer to all these questions: 'For Jesus. Because He called me to this and because He gave His life for me.' This means that it has been granted to me, it is my privilege, not only to believe in Him but also to suffer for Him (see Philippians 1:29). That suffering is not alone, but is with Him, and oh, what a privilege it is just to be able to be in His presence, to share with my sweet savior."

I'll sign off with that thought this evening. Perhaps I will have something more sunny to share later this week. But I make no promises.

Empowered to Connect

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 05:34:00 +0000

I was lucky enough to have Karyn Purvis bring her Empowered to Connect conference right here to where I live this weekend. The tickets were dirt cheap, and so I really had no excuse not to attend. I was also lucky enough to find friends that let my kids come play yesterday and today so that my husband and I could attend the conference together. What a blessing!

I didn't realize how much I needed the conference till I was there. I had read just about every adoptive parenting book there 's out there before my kids came home, and being a part of several support groups post-adoption has helped keep some of that info fresh as we remind each other of the principles taught in these books as we wade through the trenches together.

But of course, the conference goes into such depth, and to just be coached intensely through it all for two straight days has really helped me to get my head and heart back on track.

Some of the things that really resonated with me, or that I would really like to jump right into working on in our home more are:

- Remembering the preciousness of my children, remembering that there is a precious child underneath all the "poop" (behaviors) as Karyn Purvis put it.

- I learned a lot about sensory processing disorders and what that can look like. I realized my kids probably struggle with this a lot more than I initially thought, and I would like touse some of the suggested strategies to help them more with this.

- We need to always be seeking traction. Sometimes we have to lower the bar, and lower the bar, and then lower it some more to get traction, but as long as we're even taking baby steps, then we've got traction.

- When a child knows you're their partner, their coach, and when they feel in relationship with you, you can teach them anything!

- Arguing can be such an issue for so many of us families. When they're not arguing, our goal is to remind them we're listening, and that they are heard. They are sometimes trying with their arguing to just push us away with a wall of words.

- I need to go for full awareness more with my kids: eyes, ears, touch... And not just holler to them from across the room

Hearing in depth about how their brains work... and don't work, was fascinating, and validating. There was just so much information given to us that as one presenter said, "it's like drinking from a fire hose."

I thought I was going to have a couple relaxing days sans kids, but it turned out to be much more mentally exhausting than I anticipated. I came home and fell asleep on the couch for over an hour (while I was supposed to be watching Harry Potter with the family). I just plain pooped!

One of the greatest things about the weekend was having a friend from one of my online support groups stay at our house. She has the wisdom of more years of parenting than me, more kids, and has dealt with more extreme behaviors. So I was kind of hoping my kids would show some of their true colors while she was here so she could coach me a little, and my kids (well, one of them) did not disappoint. There wasn't any full blown meltdowns, but there was a lot of some annoying behaviors that were making me nuts on Friday night. So my friend pulled me aside in the midst of it and told me what emotion she was seeing and hearing through my child's behavior. What she told me was so simple, and so obvious, but I was totally missing it. And I used her coaching to reassure my child and meet that need that they were trying to express, and when I did, the issue was completely over. Just like that.

Now I know it won't always be that easy and simple. But it was so eye-opening to me. It has helped me to shift my focus and I'm seeing a lot of previous meltdowns and behaviors for truly what they were - FEAR, as well as a desire for connection and closeness. Wow. I mean, that simple little intervention from that friend feels life changing.

I saw a lot of my local friends there, and got to meet some people that I have only previously known through the internet, but now I can put a real face and voice and personality to their name. It was nice to chat with friends over lunch about what we were learning, and it was nice to spend some time with other adoptive moms, sharing our struggles and frustrations over margaritas and chips on Friday night (props to my hubby for enduring an entire day and evening on Friday of being the only guy in any of the groups).

The other perk of the conference was coming home and hearing how much I was missed by my kids. I was even told by one child, "I don't like going to other people's houses. I only like being with you and Daddy." I've never been so grateful for separation anxiety in my life!

Jumping Ahead

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 18:21:00 +0000

This weekend we hosted (what I'm pretty sure was) our daughter's first birthday party. As an adoptive family, sometimes it's difficult to see past the struggles and the loss. But this weekend was one of the shining moments when I could look around and see the beauty and the gain. I mean, how many twenty-something moms get to host a Hollywood-themed birthday party for their tween daughter and her friends? In the brief lulls between the girly giggles, the Justin Bieber karaoke, and chowing down on some amazingly yummy strawberry cake, I realized that though there is much I have missed in my children's lives, I am still blessed to be a part of some of their firsts. And I have been allowed to jump ahead to a phase of parenting I never thought I would be in whilst still in my twenties. It's not an easy phase, but it still has its joys, and I feel honored (sometimes) that God feels I'm up for the challenges and responsibilities. I feel blessed to be gaining the wisdom from this phase of parenting, and this kind of parenting, at a young age.

It was a busy weekend, which included hosting some out-of-town family that joined us for the party. All my kids did great (maybe the word "great" is a stretch for my crabby three-year-old). This was a pretty momentous occasion for Mary. She has watched every other family member celebrate a birthday, and has been convinced her birthday was never coming. I was fully expecting some major meltdowns, but the weekend came and went without any; at least without any major ones. AND in addition to hosting out-of-tow family, and hosting a WAY fab party (if I do say so myself), I made cupcakes (so what if it was a box mix?) for Mary to take to celebrate her birthday tomorrow at school. I feel like friggin' Super Mom!

I'm proud of Mary. And I'm proud of Mel for coping well with seeing a bigger birthday party than he got back in January. (We had only been home less than 3 months at that point. So the fact that I dragged my deeply depressed butt out of bed and hosted any kind of birthday party was a Divine miracle in and of itself.) And I'm proud of me. :)

Enjoy the (many) photos from the weekend:

A Family Event

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 06:46:00 +0000

I can only imagine how awkward, painful, and anxiety-inducing big family events must be for my kids. So I was pretty nervous about our big trip up to Chicago for my brother's wedding. Lots of people, lots of family moments, uncertainty about what to expect and the proper way to behave... Not to mention the fact that their little brother got to be in the wedding and they didn't (there was some jealousy). I was bracing myself for a brutal weekend of meltdowns. And we did have a few of those moments, but overall the kids did AMAZING! The day of the wedding was especially great. It was wonderful to see the kids remember friends and family from our previous trip up there this summer, and to see them more at ease being away from home and around lots of people. My kids simply amaze me.

Photos are something that are never easy with our daughter. She has been doing better though. It's a process. We actually got a decent family photo at the wedding! Whoa! At least we ended up with some smiling shots mixed in with the not-so-happy ones.

Mel TORE UP the dance floor. That kid has got moves! He was on fire, and quite the hit of the party. Mary danced too! She just kept her dancing to the very outskirts of the dance floor. They LOVED the reception though, and would have stayed up all night dancing and partying if they could have.

Here are some photos from the trip:

Therapeutic Parenting

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 20:29:00 +0000

Lately I have received some informal coaching by some other trauma moms on my therapeutic parenting (this was all solicited, not unsolicited, advice). I have been resistant to the idea of therapeutic parenting since even before our kids came home. But the truth is, as one mom recently reminded me, trying to parent these kids with traditional parenting techniques is like trying to nail jello to a tree. It just flat out doesn't work. Not only does it not work, it often makes issues worse. So therapeutic parenting just simply becomes a survival tool.

If you're wondering what therapeutic parenting is, here is a link to a great blog post on it. And if you already know what therapeutic parenting is, this blog post is still well worth the read.

Using TP techniques goes against every traditional parenting bone in my body. It feels wrong. But my kids are hurt and broken, and what feels right to me really doesn't matter. What other parents, and even other adoptive parents think, doesn't matter. Attachment and healing matter.

As we have been practicing TPing (because believe me, this doesn't come easy; we will be practicing and practicing, and messing up and messing up), I have seen big changes in our family dynamic. For us, the big key to TPing is ignoring our daughter's tone. It is SO hard to do. And it feels wrong to allow a child to speak disrespectfully to adults. But when the tone comes out it is because fear is present. Trying to correct the tone is not meeting her present need, it only sends her further into a fight or flight state and escalates the tone. I really didn't even notice how often fear is present in my daughter till I started working on ignoring her tone and honing in on the fear underneath it. I have learned so much about my daughter in the past few weeks, and have developed a lot more compassion for her. Honestly, I see that I have been doing a pretty crappy job of being a mommy up till now (and I'm still VERY far from perfect). The positive changes that have been happening lately have been due to the change in me, not in my daughter.

I've got some other things I want to share about how things are going, but it's been hard to find time. I'll try to update again soon. Thanks for being a part of this journey with us!

I will try to post more specifics about this soon

Love Ain't Cheap

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 04:31:00 +0000

Today was the first day of school. My, how life has changed since their first day of school last November! Less than a year ago I was very apathetic about their schooling, I just wanted the break it provided me with. This year I have provided their teachers with plenty of background on my kiddos, and have been advocating for them to get the help they need to achieve the academic goals we have talked about over the summer.

Mary seems to have wonderful teachers, and I think this year is going to be life changing for her. Sounds like she has a team at the school that is all set to help her learn a lot this year. That's just what she needs. I'm thrilled for her!

Mel wasn't feeling good today and missed the first day. So I don't know much about his teacher yet.

Though much has changed from last November, some change takes more time. Like many adoptive parents, especially those of older children from trauma, I have become pretty good at love as an action. "Loving caregiving," is a phrase I've heard another mom use to describe it. But the feelings of love are still elusive most days. If you are not an adoptive parent, that might sound pretty cold. It is probably the most guilt-inducing element of adoption for us parents. But it allows us the blessing of learning to choose love; we spend every day striving to love our children like Christ loves us. And oh, is it hard. Giving hugs and affection... even saying, "I love you".... I have to force myself to do it most days.

The pain of all this is intensified when I see people at church, teachers, friends, grabbing my kids and hugging them; telling me how much they love spending time with my kids... And today I even received an email from one of my children's teachers telling me that she "loves them already." It's all like a stab to a trauma mom's heart. How can these people throw this affection, and these words, around so easily? What is SO wrong with me that I can't do what seems to come so easily to everyone else? You can see how the guilt builds up quickly.

It breaks my heart that it has to be so hard. And it makes me mad that the (shallow) affection that other adults throw at my kids seems to cheapen this whole idea of love, and confuses my kids.

Adoption has taught me so much. One of the many things it has taught me is not to take genuine love for granted. It is precious, and rare, and often has to be fought for. David and I waited (what felt like) a long time to give birth to our bio son, Isaac. That wait has made us cherish him in a way we wouldn't have been able to if we hadn't had to wait, and pray, and suffer, and have our hearts broken. I'm believing it will be the same with our older two Ethiopian children. That love, when it comes, will be more precious than gold or diamonds. The wait is hard, and our hearts break. But I don't want the cheap love. Someday the feelings will come. In the meantime, we love like Christ has taught us. We love in action, not in feeling.

End of Summer Fun

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 13:34:00 +0000

This post was originally written for, and posted HERE, at my other blog home.

My first summer with three kids was... interesting. I had lofty plans for activities and learning, but most of them didn't happen. We did have fun celebrating summer today though with some reading and a little field trip.

We got a couple books from the library about ice cream, and read a little on the subject before we headed out to visit our local dairy plant.

I must admit, we were a bit disappointed in our visit to the dairy plant. There was no actual tour. Their idea of a "tour" was to let us watch a video on how they make their various dairy products. Kind of lame.

But we took a picture with a (fake) cow!

And we got free ice cream! So it wasn't a total bust. Turns out they don't even make ice cream at the plant we visit. They make it in Chattanooga.

Anyhow, we decided to go up to the store and buy some rock salt so we could make ice cream ourselves. We found directions online for making ice cream without an ice cream maker (because we don't have one), using just ziploc baggies, rock salt, and then stuff pretty much everybody has around the kitchen (ice cubes, milk, sugar, and vanilla). I was pretty skeptical as to whether this was actually going to work or not, but it did! I ended up doing all the shaking, because the bags were too heavy for the three year old and my two big kids were busy teaching themselves the Cha-Cha Slide (don't ask). It only took five minutes though! And it was really yummy! Downside: It didn't make very much, and it melted REALLY fast.

Here's Isaac giving a "thumbs up" (we'll have to work on that) for his ice cream.

Other books about ice cream:

The Ice Cream King by Steve Metzger and Julie Downing

I Am An Ice Cream Truck by Ace Landers

Milk to Ice Cream by Inez Snyder

Wemberly's Ice Cream Star by Kevin Henkes

I Like Ice Cream by Robin Pickering

Should I Share My Ice Cream by Mo Willems

From Cow to Ice Cream by Bertram T. Knight

Ice Cream by Elisha Cooper

Yummy Ice Cream: A Book About Sharing by Emma Quay and Anna

Link Love

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 04:57:00 +0000

I thank God for blogs and social media every day. They have helped me SO hugely over the past 10 months. Here's some great stuff I've been reading lately from some women who mean a lot to me:

The lovely Diana at Gold To Refine shares wisdom on Hope and Healing.

Lisa from A Bushel and A Peck posted on Empowered to Connect about Seeing Past the Mad to the Sad.

I like what Christine at Welcome to My Brain had to say about how to deal with meltdowns: Eat Lightening and Crap Thunder.

Lisa at Life in the Grateful House talks about Faith, Hope, and Love.

And Marty at Marty's Musings talks about our Dreams.

Is it Still Summer?

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 04:43:00 +0000

I have always loved summer. Loved visiting family, swimming, laid back days, taking vacations, a break from school or work. But all that has changed. Now that I have school aged kids from hard places, summer can be stressful. Visiting family brings anxiety, the days are busy and exhausting, vacations are different and less frequent, and there is no break for me very often.

My kids have done amazingly well this summer, all things considered. We have traveled, done lots of new things, not had much of a routine, and have been going on less sleep than we usually do. We've had moments, but they have really been troopers. I'm very proud of them!

Our Chicago trip was great! The kids did great, I got to see family, and we just all had fun! We go back for my brothers wedding in September and we are ALL excited about it! Yay! Mary is even asking when family is coming to visit. She wants them ALL to come visit she told me today. Wow, what a turnaround from just a few months ago!

I have hardly even tapped into all the ideas for activities, outings, and crafts I had come up with. It makes me feel better having it though.

There's been tons of stuff bubbling around in my head and my heart that I want to share, but by the end of the day, I am SO tired and can't find the energy to post. School will start soon though, and hopefully I will find some time to organize my thoughts then and put a decent post together. Till then, here are some photos from out Chicago trip:

Fumbling Through Summer

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 05:37:00 +0000

Sorry for my absence here lately. I'm new to the whole being a mom to three kids over summer break thing. It's time consuming. We've been busy and I'll post an update soon.

Practice Makes Perfect

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 03:55:00 +0000

Parenting a child from trauma will stretch you, change you, grow you. It has to, or you won't survive. It all happens in such a cloud of crazy though that it's as though a tornado has picked you up and thrown you to the other side of town; you don't realize you aren't where you once were till the storm quiets momentarily, you stick your head out your front door and see completely new surroundings.

All this stretching and changing and growing happens through repeated practice of things that aren't easy or fun.

When we had been home only about a month from Ethiopia, I heard a sermon on forgiveness that literally brought me to my knees in a big sobbing mess, because I knew I had to forgive my daughter. And I knew I was going to have to continue forgiving my daughter over and over and over.

Forgiveness is hard. Especially when you have to practice it every day. Multiple times a day.

But slowly, hour after hour, day after day, month after month, you begin to understand the emotions behind the behaviors. You choose to dwell on the good rather than dwelling on the meltdowns. You don't take things so personally. You develop a little bit of a thicker skin.

Then one day you realize that these things you have practiced don't just apply to your child. You realize that your instinct is to forgive others too, and not to hold a grudge. You realize that if you're not willing to give up on the most difficult relationship in your life, then you're not willing to give up on ANY relationship in your life. It's a beautiful discovery. It's a rainbow in between the storm showers... and tornadic winds.

I'm thanking God tonight for this wonderful gift... thanking Him for the practice. Even though the practice isn't fun, and I'm still far from perfect. Hee.

What kind of practice has God been giving you?

A Kick Butt Summer

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 04:18:00 +0000

Yup, summer is kicking my butt. I am exhausted.

I have been doing a lot of fun stuff with the kids, but my brain isn't even working well enough to take any photos. Seriously, I have taken like ZERO photos in the past week or so. (Sad face)

We have fallen into a pretty nice routine during the week, since the kids have ESL summer school during June. And I have been pretty impressed with how well they have dealt with the transition into summer and then not having all the structure of school all day every day. We have done a weekend trip to visit family, and a sleepover with friends, etc. And they have rolled with it all amazingly well. Of course, I'm probably asking for it by even typing those words, right?

Our oldest heads off to a week of sleep-away on Monday, and I'm pretty excited to have a little bit of relief for a few days. While the boys have a tendency to grate on my nerves a lot more than my daughter lately, my daughter is our least flexible child, and so I'm looking forward to being able to do some things with the boys next week that would not be so easy (or enjoyable) if Mary were in tow too.

My hubs has been slammed with work lately. Which is a good problem to have when you're running your own production company. But it really stinks for me and the kids. We miss him, and summer is just THAT much more exhausting when I'm flying solo most days... and nights. Finding balance with David's work is actually something that has been a struggle for years. I know David doesn't enjoy the intensity of it either, and honestly, I would love it if you would just pray for us to have more time together as a husband and wife, and as a family. It feels like this is just never going to change, but I just can't believe this is God's will for us as a family. It's got to get better.

Some Not So Guilty Confessions

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 05:27:00 +0000

Some days I still really have to work on not letting the guilt creep back in. I think raising kids from trauma adds at least an extra two heaping servings of guilt onto a mommas plates than what she would normally have. But I have to remember that my children may look a lot like all the other kids they're surrounded by on a regular basis, but they are very different from children being raised by their biological parents. So...

Yes, my kids watch T.V. And they play video games. Because I am very actively parenting and entertaining them pretty much every other moment of the day, and gosh darn it, I need a break sometimes!

I will cut my kids and myself some slack when I feel the urge to get frustrated upon seeing all the other neighborhood kids out playing merrily WITHOUT their parents with them. It's OK that my kids are still learning how to do that. I will savor these days that they still want to hang out with me (even when I don't always want to hang out with them).

I will anxiously await the start of school in August, because my kids thrive on structure and predictability of school, they need the social and culture practice, and they can't be in the room with each other for more than five minutes without bickering over something.

I will not allow much time for my kids to get bored this summer, because boredom can often = meltdowns in our house. My children are not typical children, and that's not their fault nor mine. So we will have lots of stuff planned to keep us busy.

I will continue putting my kids to bed early (or at least early by comparison to the rest of the neighborhood kids), because their brains need sleep to heal and I need some time in the evening to get stuff done, and to chill. Summer is already kicking my butt!

Here are some photos of what we've been up to lately:

I made a cheapo water table for them which they all have virtually no interest in. What the hay?? This photo captures one of two times that my children have played in this water table.

Summer days full of fun mean this little guy gets tired early. Especially since he's been missing his nap a lot of days.

We "celebrated" the last day of school at Applebees. We wanted the kids to know how proud of them we were.

A visit to the Adventure Science Center. The irony of this photo is not lost on me.

Both my kids loved this thing. Amazing seeing as how Mel puked every time we rode in the car in Ethiopia. But spin him around and flip him upside down and he's fine. Go figure.

This was supposed to simulate weightlessness. I'm no rocket scientist, but I'm thinking weightlessness feels much different than what is pictured here.

Mary wanted to make chocolate covered pretzels one afternoon. The boys helped her. They were yummy.

Mel with one of his many books he likes to make.

David shooting the We Have Room music video.

Friends came over and we had a water balloon fight!

We made marble mazes one morning. They kids had a lot of fun with this project.

Here's the marble maze Mel and I made together.

This is an age progression Mel did at the Adventure Science Center.

Ready to swim.

My three little fish.

Ooo! Ooo! The second time the water table was used!

Letting Go of the Guilt

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Tue, 24 May 2011 04:15:00 +0000

I have had many conversations with other "trauma mommas," and it seems we have all suffered from feelings of guilt. Guilt that we didn't instantly love our adopted children. Guilt that our feelings for all our children aren't identical. Guilt that we aren't doing as good of a job as we feel we should be. Guilt that we aren't enjoying motherhood as much as we think we should be. Guilt that we have guilt...

One of my wonderful friends, Sandra, said something to me a while back. She told me that my feelings I was having toward my child were normal human reactions. She said something like, "Of course you don't like being around them! No normal human being would like being around someone that acts that way."

God smacked me around with the truth of that statement a few nights ago. I went to close the boys' bedroom door and David and I just gazed at Isaac, asleep in all his cuteness. And that familiar tinge of guilt struck me again. I felt bad that I didn't feel those same warm, fuzzies toward my other children. I didn't have the desire to gaze at them while they were sleeping. And then God said, "So what! You are being their mom regardless, day in and day out, even when you don't want to, which means so much more to me than doing it when you feel all ooey gooey about it." It was such a strong reassurance I got from God. And it has released me from so much of my guilt.

And then a day or two later I was mourning not having those love-at-first-sight with my Ethiopian children. I was feeling like I was some sort of weirdo for not having that experience. I had prayed so hard to have that kind of experience, and I felt such an expectation to feel that way. And God showed up again and told me, "You are normal. It would be more strange if you did instantly fall in love with two strangers. That is a more abnormal experience than what you had. Have you ever believed in love at first sight? No. So why decide to start believing in it now?"

I am reminding myself of those truths today. It was a hard day as we transition out of school mode and into summer mode. And honestly, I think this whole summer is going to be a bumpy ride. And when that guilt starts to creep in again, I will remind myself of what God has told me. I will remember that I am doing it. And as long as I continue to simply get up every morning and keep on keeping on, there's no room for guilt.

We're Fundraising Again - Find Out WHY!

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Thu, 19 May 2011 03:56:00 +0000

After three mega yard sales in a year, I thought I would never have another again in my life. But as Justin Bieber says, "Never Say Never!" (Yes, now that I have a tween daughter I know all about Justin Bieber.)

This time we're raising money to help my sister, Rebecca. About five and half years ago Rebecca felt a lump in her side. She went to the doctor, and after much insistence that this was something they needed to take seriously, they discovered a very large tumor in her liver. She was eventually diagnosed with bile duct cancer, otherwise known as cholangiocarcinoma. She has been under active treatment of her cancer for the entire past five and half years. She has never been in remission. She has never had a break from the nightmare of constant chemo, surgeries, procedures, fatigue, side effects, doctor consults, medical bills, hospital stays, worry, stress, and back and forth travel to Mayo. She is not a candidate for a transplant. The long term survival rate for this type of cancer is not good. The cancer has since metastasized to her lungs. And they are running out of treatment options for her.

There is so much more to Rebecca's story I wish I had time to share with you all. She has been through a lot. She is young. And she has a daughter, and a husband. Please, please, please go read some of Rebecca's beautifully written story here.

Rebecca is already a miracle. She is strong. And though I can't make her cancer go away, I can do other things... I can have a yardsale! Because here's the thing. Cancer doesn't just attack your body; it attacks your relationships, your livelihood, your dreams and plans, your marriage, your finances... It seems no part of your life is safe from the ravages of cancer. It can leave you feeling helpless. But we are not helpless. We have the sword of the Spirit (Would you please join us in praying continually for Rebecca?)! And we have the means to help lighten the heavy load of those bravely battling this stupid thing called cancer.

We are attempting to lighten Rebecca's financial load a couple ways. First, we are having a yard sale in July here in the Nashville area. If you're local, we need your STUFF! We'll even come pick it up from you! Email me at watsonadoption @ gmail . com, or comment on here or facebook or where ever! We have room to store it here, so we can come get it anytime!

Second, with the help of a generous friend, I am having an online/catalog Thirty-One party. 100% of the money made from the party is going directly toward helping Rebecca! Thirty-One has SUCH awesome stuff! I will have a link to shop soon! What an easy and fun way to help! I am so grateful to have this amazing opportunity to help!

Bonding and Preserving Memories

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Mon, 16 May 2011 14:01:00 +0000

I shared this post on my other blog, but figured you all would probably enjoy it as well.

I stumbled upon a wonderful idea for preserving family memories while I was surfing the net for summer survival ideas to keep us busy once school ends for the year. I wish I could remember where I found this idea, but the gist of it is to keep a little drawing journal of family memories. The thought is that this is easier and less time consuming than scrapbooking, and so more memories can be recorded and preserved.

I loved the idea, and it also sounded like a great way to help the bonding process with my Ethiopian children, as we could read the journal together and have warm fuzzy feelings about the memories we have made.

When my kids initially discovered my sketchbook and box of crayons on my nightstand, they started asking questions, and even though I only had a few entries completed, I went ahead and read them my journal. I explained that I have been recording memories in my journal in the evening before I go to bed. Then I read the completed entries to them, and they LOVED IT! And since that first reading they have requested additional readings, and have also asked for their own drawing journals.

I just gave them their blank journals this week, and they are already filling them up. I love that they sit in their beds at night and draw in them, because I told them that's when I do my drawing. They tell me what they want to write in their journals, and then I write it down on a sheet of paper and they copy the words into their books (they can't write independently yet). Then they illustrate them too, of course!

My daughter even decided she wanted to type some of her text up on the computer last night. She needed a lot of help, but it was great literacy practice, as well as great computer practice!

I'm not a scrapbooker, so this is a perfect way for me to visually record some family memories. And it is all great literacy practice for my kiddos. Check out these photos from our journals:

Mommy's journal

Mel's journal

Mary's journal (note: the brown circles in the drawing of the pool here are coins that they were playing with... not poop, as it kind of looks like)

I also bought a journal for Isaac, but he's been falling asleep every evening before our journaling time, so his is still empty.

Hair

noreply@blogger.com (Amy @ Literacy Launchpad) — Sun, 15 May 2011 05:29:00 +0000

It's been a hair week around here for the girls. I chopped of a bunch of my hair off Wednesday for a funky new summer do.

Then today I spent 7 hours at the salon getting Mary's hair braided for the summer. Whew! There has been much drama over her hair lately, and I can't figure out what the issue is. After talking with her some about it this week it seemed like she just doesn't like having to sit still, and doesn't like people touching her hair.

I thought the drama was over this evening once we were home and the braids were all said and done. But when she looked in the mirror at bedtime she got upset that the braids were so small (don't know why that is a problem) and wanted to take them out. She was saying something about not liking how it makes her face look. I hope she gets past that, because those things are staying in! And I'm tired of battling over her hair!

I was really impressed with her today though. It was painful for her while they were doing her hair, and she was so bored and restless. When we left the hair place she started complaining about it all. Then started to cry a little. Then she thanked me for the braids. Complaining, and then a spontaneous "thank you." I was a bit shocked. I sympathized with her about how hard it must have been and praised her for doing so well, and I suggested we stop and get some dinner. She said, "Wow, Mommy. You are so nice." And she was completely genuine when she said it. You could have knocked me over with a feather when she said that. That's the most reciprocity of affection we have received from her lately. It warmed my heart.