equivocality

the tide you swim against will carry you back home

Jeff — Thu, 17 May 2012 09:37:04 +0000

How quickly my world fell apart. How suddenly things have changed, never to be the same again. No one blames me for being unable to cope when so much has happened all at once.

When diagnosing the severity of your mood, the professionals always ask if you have a plan. Even the two cops who show up at your door at midnight cause your friends fear the worst will pose the question. I guess a plan is the sign that you’re in immediate danger, and I had three.

It means I get to be selfish now. I get to do what I need to survive. I get to think of myself for once in my life.

Even if my friends have never been through this, even if they don’t understand, they still care, and they prove it to me with every lingering hug, every meal they leave me, every call to ask how I’m feeling, every message left to let them know if there’s anything they can do, every reminder that they don’t want to lose me spoken through tears from those I’ve never seen cry.

I used to have nothing but guilt for worrying them, but now I understand that guilt is the last thing they want me to feel. They only want me to be okay. They’ve done so much to make me believe this, and that’s exactly what I need right now.

morbid self-attention

Jeff — Mon, 14 May 2012 08:01:11 +0000

My life has taken another turn again. The days can go on with regularity over and over, one day indistinguishable from the next. A long continuous chain.

—Taxi Driver

Time loses all meaning when you can’t sleep more than two hours in a row, and everything else becomes meaningless along with it. Some days I can’t eat, exercise, or face the world. All I can do is wonder when it’ll all end, and fight every thought that tells me to give up.

They said the medication may make me feel worse before I start feeling better. This is how I discover rock bottom is always relative. A strange little hole I find myself in, where the days grow brighter with the changing of seasons, insomnia means I never miss a sunrise or sunset, and I have nothing but free time, but none of it matters.

pharmaceutical intervention

Jeff — Mon, 07 May 2012 07:51:35 +0000

Sanity is supposed to come from little portions of Cipralex, but I have to survive long enough for the doctors to find the right dose. It may well be several months before they discover what works, and every day in between terrifies me.

Until then, I can’t sleep, I can’t come, I can’t eat more than half of what I used to before getting full, and I can’t go without Gravol to fight the nausea. The side-effects are supposed to be better than the alternative — and I suppose cottonmouth is good way to get me to drink more liquids — but every wretched day makes me question whether this unique form of hell is worth it.

This used to be one of my greatest fears, and here I am faced with it cause I couldn’t handle life by myself anymore.

what fool hath added water to the sea?

Jeff — Sat, 05 May 2012 04:17:36 +0000

O earth, I will befriend thee more with rain,
That shall distil from these two ancient urns,
Than youthful April shall with all his showers

—Titus Andronicus

I lost my life as I knew it, piece by piece, over days and weeks and months. Now things will never be the same. In moments of crisis, everything has been distilled; what’s gone is gone forever, and what remains is what I will carry for the rest of my life.

And as the threads unraveled, I tore myself from the world away, my face unable to bear the burden to others.

Protected: from here

Jeff — Tue, 01 May 2012 10:48:49 +0000

I filled the void you left with the rest of my life

Jeff — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 12:37:32 +0000

Download audio file (over-and-over.mp3)

And that’s why I spend so much time with people now, why it’s a little easier to bend each pitch, and why I don’t mind hazy night drives through purple sky and deer warnings as long as Mogwai is on. Everything I do is an attempt to be whole again, cause I still think of you with me at every dinner, movie, episode, nap, ride, gathering, and concert.

But surely you can’t be the same person I see in these photos taken so long ago. You’d be a little wiser from the years, a little stronger from the experiences, almost certainly sporting a new haircut, but I bet your heart would always be the same. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to let go. I realized that no matter what happens, regardless of how people grow and change, I’d always love that heart. That’s the only reason I understand what you meant by always have a weakness.

I filled the void you left with the rest of my life, but it’s still hard to be whole without you.

Protected: fault lines

Jeff — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 17:25:01 +0000

Do we have any movement from the Baratheons?

Jeff — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 04:40:57 +0000

Our nights are filled with alliances made and broken. I’ve never been particularly good at negotiation or betrayal, and that’s probably why my house is usually the first to go in the Game of Thrones. I’ve become that guy who sucks and consequently poses no threat at the thing everyone is into, but still plays cause it’s always worth seeing the bluffs and calls, the bold alpha strikes, and the development of grudges.

I’ve never gotten along with the caffeinated, shaky, socially awkward guys who frequent the rare binders at the comic book store, perhaps cause they remind me too much of an adolescent version of myself. But this is our own version of geekery, with our own rituals, and the company is never anything less than entertaining.

Armed with Valyrian steel blade and messenger raven, for control of the fiefdoms and the king’s court.

a path you didn't choose

Jeff — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 13:31:19 +0000

People are forgoing their heavy coats for light jackets, even a litte skin. But winter still lingers in the crisp air, a reminder that it hasn’t been long since those frigid nights, but that it’ll soon be warmer and brighter. On the right days, I can wake up with the warmth of the sun on my face, drive with the windows down, and eat dinner in the daylight.

The cats sit intently by the back door for hours, listening for any birds come home for Spring. They haven’t heard any since last year, and for Byron, that’s pretty much a lifetime. Nowadays, I measure time by how much heavier feels every day. There’s a comfort to be found in knowing that your cats are growing and healthy.

It feels like so much of what I used to cherish has fallen to the wayside. Like I’m relentlessly trying to catch up on sleep, on time spent with friends, on guitar practice, on various projects, on getting to inbox 0. With time now such a valuable resource, I’ve been re-evaluating things to salvage as much as I can. Figuring out the difference between what I truly enjoy and what I enjoy because I think I should, between what I need and what I want.

It’s strange to think that I’ve ended up here, and yet it’s hardly different from where I was not so long ago. Life is always interesting, no matter what age you are, and regardless of how you think you’ve settled into it. If you’re doing it right, at least.

© Jeff @ equivocality, 2012. | 4 comments
Post tags: Byron, cats, Dolly, seasons, spring | Categories: Daily Life, Photos

There's someone I want you to meet.

Jeff — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 12:33:37 +0000

He’s a great guy who looks particularly nice in a skinny tie. His deep, smokey eyes seem to slay every woman he meets, and even the ones he hasn’t yet. There’s a strapping masculinity that you like, carried in the angles of his face, but a gentle smile reveals his true personality.

He’s intelligent enough to challenge that mind of yours, but so down-to-earth that you’d never feel inadequate. He’s constantly creative and a musical genius, and I know you’d appreciate his work as much as he’d appreciate yours, even if they’re in different mediums. He can let loose and have a great time, but he’s responsible enough to know when to stop. He’s confident, but modest. Funny without being crude or clownish. Thoughtful and kind. Generous with his time, his thoughts, his possessions, and his life. He’s the total package, but most important of all, I know he’d make you happy.

And while I’ve always been unbearably jealous when I think of you with anyone else (and maybe I chose him cause I like to think he reminds me of myself), he’s the only guy I wouldn’t mind you being with if it can’t be me, cause it would be such a waste otherwise.