equivocality

She does this for a living

Jeff — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 04:28:23 +0000

It’s a voice that slays us, her tone dark and mysterious, her vibrato delicate and succinct. Yet snide. Flippant, even, cause fuckers, she’s not going anywhere.

This is what pulls our hearts out of our chests.

my friends are fucking awesome

Jeff — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 05:39:54 +0000

Cause stuff like this can happen any time.

(I love Audra’s laugh. Conversely, I hate mine.)

(+50 bonus points if you get the song reference.)

Dead Cells

Jeff — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 15:14:05 +0000

I’m getting a haircut today. I tend to look a great deal frumpier when a month has passed, which is also around the time my hair starts to piss me off, in a “WHY WON’T YOU STAY LIKE THAT?! NO, LIKE THAT. AAAAARGGGHHGH” kind of way.

My last one was on Christmas Eve, in the middle of a rushed holiday schedule, and I remember exactly the frame of mind I had when I went for that haircut. It feels like I’ve been through so much since then; emotional changes, personal epiphanies, and life experienced. It’s only been a little over a month.

Sometimes, I wonder if it would be scary to be my friend or lover, because of how much transformation I can go through in short periods of time. Julie once said I had changed a lot in the year that I knew her at the time. I wanted her to quantify that for me, but I didn’t, hoping it was generally for the better.

I can only hope it’s always an improvement.

Things are changing, day by day

Jeff — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 07:02:02 +0000

Edit: Wow, I found an old photo I took in 2004 of the CD in Trolley’s CD player.

Modest Mouse used to be the best kept indie rock secret. Then they let Gravity Rides Everything be used in a Nissan commercial. Then they did Saturday Night Live. Then they did The O.C. (Really, Modest Mouse? REALLY?). Then they appeared on Rock Band 2 and Guitar Hero World Tour, and now I wonder if they were just sellouts doing it for the money to begin with.

But before all that happened, or perhaps as it happened, they came out with Float On.

Download audio file (float-on.mp3)

This was the song of 2004. It defined the year for me. I was picking myself up off the floor after a torrid relationship, and settling down alone, finding my own little bit of peace.

That was six years ago, and I’m back there again. I had an odd moment of serenity as I left the staircase to the Tai Chi studio tonight, and walked into the frigid, calm air. Sort of like I had no hope, but that didn’t matter because I didn’t need hope; I had my hands, my senses, my wits, and my camera, and that was good enough.

I’m sure the fact that I’ve starting working from home four days out of the week has something to do with it. I can work on projects with my music loud, and my pjs on. I don’t get interrupted, so my productivity is great.

Okay, so I’ve been avoiding any movies or TV shows with dating or romance. I’m sticking strictly to Babylon 5 and The Sopranos. It’s been working, because I’ve been feeling better about myself and my current situation. Thinking: “Maybe I’m a nice secret right now”.

Lover/Dreamer

Jeff — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 06:36:49 +0000

(+5 bonus points if you get the album reference.)

I really do have love to give! I just don’t know where to put it!

—Quiz Kid Donnie Smith, Magnolia

Okay, I’ll admit it.

I need to love. I need it, the way I need to eat.

This is the same part of me that notices the faint outlines of hearts drawn in car windows. Also, the same part that marvels about that adolescent point in life, when one would draw something so simple and insignificant because the only worry was whether or not someone liked you back.

So when I don’t have someone to love, it fucking kills me.

No Motive

Jeff — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 05:06:14 +0000

You know it sucks, realizing that everything you believed in is complete bullshit.

—Some guy sitting on a bench in some movie

This is how I’ve been feeling lately. I’ve lost the plot. I’m wandering and wondering. Aimless. Floating. Disconnected. Questioning what it’s all for.

It’s not that I haven’t been able to keep myself occupied. My calendar until March is quite busy actually. But I feel like a spectre, floating through the world; ethereal, immaterial, intangible, and unable to be touched or affected by anything.

On the other hand, music is hitting me pretty hard right now. I tend to dance a lot, mostly in my room. I actually recorded myself dancing to see what it looks like. I can only imagine that it’s on the same level of embarrassment as getting caught masturbating to furries (yep, there’s a porn for that) with bean dip smeared on my chest.

I’m in a No Motiv state-of-mind; that strange period between Jacky and Louise, when I was living on Island Park with Trolley, and we would go for car rides in the summer to Diagram for Healing. But it’s And The Sadness Prevails that I’m rediscovering, hearing the songs from a different point in my life very different from when I last gave the album a thorough listen.

When John asks me how my day was, it seems like my answer is always somewhere between “shitty” and “like someone took a giant shit on my face¹”. And when he asks what happened, I can never give him a specific incident. It’s just this depression, this sagging feeling that’s been weighing so heavily on me, because I haven’t been able to let go as easily as I’d like.

I’m trying to find my footing in the Tao Te Ching. Verse 44 in particular is speaking to me right now:

One’s own reputation — why the fuss?
One’s own wealth — why the concern?
I say, what you gain is more trouble than what you lose
Love is the fruit of sacrifice
Wealth is the fruit of generosity
Be content, rest in your own fullness —
You will not suffer from loss
You’ll avoid the snare of this world
You’ll have long life and endless blessings

The transition continues.

I should postscript this with a note that I wouldn’t enjoy this

Images

Jeff — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 05:06:40 +0000

This week I’ve been seeing images when I wake up in the middle of the night. Usually in the form of slow, flesh ripping decapitation, or bullets entering non-vital parts of my body, like my arms. Not of self-mutilation but mutilation of the self. These images, in some form or another, have followed me my whole life, and went away after I started therapy¹. Now they’re back.

There’s been a new one lately though.

I have a one-inch thick, two meter pole through the heart, sticking out perpendicularly to my body in both directions evenly. My heart and lungs have grown and healed around this pole, and even a gentle impact on either end, due to the mechanical-force multiplying nature of the fulcrum that is my heart, could disrupt my organs and kill me.

So as I’m trying to fall asleep again, I see myself going about any regular day, stumbling around with this unwieldy pole, hoping I don’t trip, and no one bumps into it.

Or perhaps, co-incidentally from something/someone else.

On Trying Earwax-Flavoured Jelly Belly Jelly Beans

Jeff — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 01:10:24 +0000

Amy: Gross! How would you even know what earwax tastes like?
Me: Haven’t you ever French kissed someone’s ear?
Amy, with a look of disgust on her face: No.
Brain: Hmmmmmmmm. Uh oh?

Love Is Like Santa Claus

Jeff — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 13:35:06 +0000

I had been waiting for the right one to come along my whole life. My mistake was thinking she was waiting for me too.

Art for Haiti

Jeff — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 20:57:16 +0000

There’s a fundraiser for Haitian earthquake survivors at the Cube Gallery happening in two weeks. An auction will be held after the viewing, and any money raised from the auction will go to the Red Cross. I’ve donated one of my favourite photos, the very first print of “Carrot Feet” (to which I hold much sentimental attachment), to the cause. I’m also going to personally extend this to all other prints from my Fruit and Body series, so if you purchase a print between now and the auction, I’ll put 100% of the sale price towards the fundraiser.

If you have artwork you’d like to donate, please contact me and I’ll get you in touch with the appropriate people. When people can walk away with amazing artwork while helping those in need, it’s a win-win situation. I’ll be attending to meet the other artists and hopefully pick something up for myself if any artwork speaks to me.

From the Cube Gallery website:

Haitian Disaster Art Fundraiser

In light of the disaster that has befallen the people of Haiti, Cube Gallery and AfrikArt Konnection, in collaboration with Paul Dewar, MP are calling Canadian artists to rally together to assist in the efforts underway to make the lives of Haitian survivors better.

Event Date: February 9, 2010
Event Time: 6 pm viewing; 8 pm auction
Location: Cube Gallery, 7 Hamilton Ave. N.

Artwork viewing: begins at 6pm
Fundraising Auction: 8pm

There will be a reception, music, light foods and entertainment at Cube Gallery on Hamilton Ave. The event is hosted by Oni the Haitian Sensation.