equivocality

Allison + Eric — Wedding Day

Jeff — Mon, 20 May 2013 15:07:39 +0000

Allie and Eric had a picturesque wedding at South Pond, a quant little farm in Bethany Hills. Their day was filled with delightful details, like carriage rides to the ceremony, dove releases, and paper lanterns. It all made for a wedding film that never loses it’s momentum. Even though I’ve been working with a composer to score my most recent films, I still take special requests from couples who want me to use songs that have personal meaning to them, and in this case it was Such Great Heights by The Postal Service.

I cut my teeth on filmography and discovered my personal style when spending time on Eric and Mark’s farm in Bancroft. Back then, I had a cheap camcorder¹ but needed a subject, they had the snowboarding skills but needed a documentarian. That’s how I gained crucial experience with editing, composing, and grading, though it would be years before I got a real camera and finally understood aperture, shutter speed, and ISO as well. Filming Eric getting married was like coming around full-circle, where I could apply all the things I’ve learned through the years since those weekends spent in the country with his family and friends.

A Hitachi DVD-RAM camcorder, which only took terribly compressed video in some proprietary format.

in between

Jeff — Tue, 14 May 2013 01:37:55 +0000

I haven’t had much to say, which is always a strange state to be in. Probably due to the fact that I’m making a conscious effort to listen more and speak less. You begin to wonder about the importance of your thoughts, and what really needs to be said.

It feels like I’m between…things. I’ve recently finished off a few projects, so I’m taking a break before I start another productivity binge. Me-time has mostly involved winning drafts and cashing in wagers. Lisa’s off to Hawaii for her honeymoon so it’ll be a month before I see her again, but that gives me a much-needed chance to spend time with the friends who aren’t part of my regular schedule.

The cats are into their spring cycles, shedding like mad, and sleeping by the door during the day. I’m tempted to cut my hair short again in anticipation of the heat, but I’m having too much fun growing it out right now. I’ve decided to embrace the length cause I know I’ll get sick of it eventually and cut of it off, like any other cycle of growth and loss, love and hate.

little heart, go slow

Jeff — Fri, 03 May 2013 19:46:22 +0000

Spring officially begins when I can leave the windows in my house open all day. This only lasts about a week though, and is also around the time I have to remember to turn the stereo down at red lights and residential areas, a small price to pay for the simple pleasure of waking up with a breeze on my face.

It’s been more than a year since I’ve been on a schedule. Even the number of meals I have in a day has started to vary. Goals and deadlines are what help me keep pace. I know this can’t last forever, so I’m taking advantage of the time to be free and explore and establish the bonds I’ll need for the next stage of my life.

The struggle now is about balance, mostly between nourishing myself and my relationships, as there’s rarely enough time for both lately. Thankfully, spring is teaching me patience too. I’ve stopped trying to control everything, and I’m letting go of the tendency to want things be to be different from how they are right now.

The old me would have been scared to so unreservedly place myself in the hands fate. Now I know I’ll be okay if I can find happiness in however things are at any moment.

© Jeff @ equivocality, 2013. | 3 comments
Post tags: balance, reflection, spring | Categories: Daily Life, Photos, Thoughts

Protected: leaf on a stream

Jeff — Wed, 01 May 2013 13:01:43 +0000

sprung

Jeff — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 12:32:24 +0000

I’m riding on so much momentum it feels like I’ll never come to a stop. This is a drastic change from only a short while ago, and I can attribute it mostly to the chances I’ve had to apply the lessons I’ve learned. Being able to prove to myself that I still have things to discover, that I’m still refining myself as a person, has left me feeling confident and humble lately.

April 20th is the one day I wish I owned a BeaverTails stand. Protesting doesn’t get any more peaceful than this.

Making peace with myself used to be a struggle. Now that I’m actually happy with who I am, I realize how low a bar that used to be. I’ve been through stretches like this before though and they’ve never lasted, so I’m still approaching it all with cautious optimism. At least now I’m wise enough to know that happiness is something that needs to be worked at consistently, in the little ways, and I’m strong enough to keep it going.

Jon-Kabat Zinn has been helping me on this path too. I’ve been listening to a series of his mindful meditation exercises, and I carry a sense of calm through the day whenever I hear his voice. Every now and then he offers gentle advice on doing this kind of work, like how important it is to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you’re feeling, and I’ve been discovering that so much of it has relevance in other parts of my life.

© Jeff @ equivocality, 2013. | No comments
Post tags: reflection, self-evaluation, self-improvement | Categories: Photos, Thoughts

the distances we travel and yet how far we've still to sail

Jeff — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 23:54:26 +0000

It’s all a bit of a blur now, especially since we agree it feels like it’s been a year since my responsibilities as a son and a cousin and a friend in Toronto. I do remember trying to balance the caffeine — so I could be clear-headed and enjoying myself — with the insomnia that comes from having so much energy every night. Also, these acts of guerrilla happiness where messages of hope were expressed through posters and spray paint. It would appear that vandalism crosses over into art only in cities with a skyline worth mentioning.

We ended up at the Ontario Science Centre twice, once as nerds and again as wedding guests, which worked out cause the only exhibit we didn’t get a chance to see one day ended up being the only exhibit open to us during the reception. The highlight is always the planetarium though, in all it’s bean-bag, time-traveling glory, the experience itself worth the price of admission. With the exception of a poor facsimile of dragon’s beard candy, everything worked out.

See that guy I was dating his ex when his girlfriend was her best friend and she got jealous that I did a big thing for my girlfriend and he felt humiliated in front of everyone and his dad called my parents about the “slander” and imagine how hard that was when it’s difficult just telling them we’re early.

As chance would have it, Dave got married to Jenny, and Jenny went to medical school with Alex, and two friends I met at drastically different times in my life ended up with only a single degree of separation. I’ve been keeping in touch with Dave so when we finally got to see each other, we were able to enjoy each other’s company instead of trying to cram in all the time lost between us.

Lisa and I stayed at their swanky downtown condo that night so we could carpool and be kids again, taking advantage of an open bar and accessible balcony, the kind of things that matter when unwittingly confronted with the reunion of an old clique.

Anthony¹, who wears his 3D glasses at night, was our planetarium presenter. He also happened to be working as an usher for the ceremony, but being the responsible adult that he is, couldn’t join us outside.

Your bosons are giving me a hadron.

I agreed that double-fisting is unladylike, but still refused to hold the second drink. If you hang around a life-size cutout of Commander Hadfield though, you don’t look like such a lush cause obviously he needs both hands to hold his helmet.

This was the picture we used to apply for the Trailer Park Boys casting call. I’m still getting used to this version of myself, even though it’s been me for months now.

Every now and then I found myself confronted with spectres of the past. I try to hide my feelings in those situations, but this proves impossible when time is spent in such proximity over several days, and Lisa inevitably saw me in my most vulnerable moments. She’d rub my arm, or provide a bit of perspective to comfort me. Eventually, I realized I was no longer alone in the struggle, because she began to understand me on an important level.

Through the discussions and comfortable silences, I learned to love myself too. I believed in myself because she believed in me. This is how I know our stories are intertwined. She will always be a major character in my book, and this road trip the beginning of another chapter.

Lisa calls him Anthony Goldblum cause of build and diction.

libre

Jeff — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 01:22:21 +0000

It’s good to have something to write about again. To have friends who are comforting and kind in my most sensitive moments, and just as importantly, things to confide in them. Good hair days. Reasons to wear something nice. Dreams without desire. Feelings without fear.

I never realized how much I needed a get away until I came home and got more done in a week than in the month before I left. Without a guitar or a workload or an internet connection or a routine or any of my decks, detaching from life as I knew it was a simple matter. Maybe that’s why it felt like I was gone for so long, even though time passed so quickly. The only real consideration I ever had was how I’d like to spend each particular moment, and presented with that kind of freedom, I learned to truly let go of everything else.

This is a picture I didn't take

Jeff — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 11:25:04 +0000

Of you, arms up and chest out, body crashing against the surf. Top pulled back into place with each wave, bottoms adjusted as needed. A splash of rain on a flower soon to burgeon.

In that instance I became aware of what was happening in myself. I could look at it clearly, and saw it as it was because it was already there, part of my experience in that moment, for better or for worse. I allowed myself to be exactly as I was without fear or shame. Detached yet present. Mindful to how I’ve longed to feel this for someone again, and how I’ve never fully surrendered myself to it until now. A reason for the lyrics in the awkward smiles, the molto crescendo in every incidental touch.

This is a picture I didn’t take of you, a memory from which I can’t seem to look away. A moment I carry with me to remind myself that I can love again.

Catan Catan Strip-Catan

Jeff — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 20:43:55 +0000

We’ve started making wagers in our multiplayer Magic games, small baubles or other people’s property or an half-hour of labour¹ to add another dimension to the gameplay. For a particular three-way match, I anted my attendance at Catan Catan Strip-Catan cause I couldn’t make up my mind on going. Another busy week meant I was tired of being social — with the possibility of being naked in such a situation, no less — but it still sounded like a night that shouldn’t be passed up.

Socks are usually the first to go, but the pair counts as one point. And Brandon isn’t playing, he’s just half-naked for reasons.

Tiana and Shawn teamed up on me, since they wanted me to go more than they wanted to win what I had offered. However, they’ve also been making me feel comfortable with myself lately (the cuddles always help), so I was okay with being tackle-out at some point during the party. I ended up winning all my Catan matches anyway, and never needed to take off more than an accoutrement.

Great when you need the dishes done after a party, but I’m more likely to take a massage.

Heather + Dave — Wedding Day

Jeff — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 03:27:50 +0000

Shot at a Jewish sleep-away camp at the side of the Ottawa River on a perfect day.

This film is one of the highlights of my 2012 wedding season. I had to end it on a scene during the first look, when Dave’s face reveals how anxious he is to see Heather in her dress; those are the moments that speak for all the years in a relationship. They’ve known each other since grade 7, along with most of the wedding party. You can easily tell how close everyone is from the way they touch and dance and embrace.

I worked very closely with Adrian from Five Stripe Studios in scoring this film. The wooden buildings and outdoor setting made me think of summer camp, so I wanted the first section to sound like an old tape you’d find in your dad’s glove compartment as he’s driving you there, the ribbon warped from heat. Adrian did an amazing job of creating that mood, the careful melodica being a very nice touch. There were also important details I asked for, like the slide guitar going from note to note exactly when the focus zooms from a leaf to the sun¹, which he ingeniously built into a repeating theme.

Having complete control over the music is great for perfectionists like me, but the best thing about working with such a talented composer is being able to give each couple a set of songs that have been created just for them, something that makes each film particularly unique.

At 1:45.