Me: gleee

eeeee

did you watch!

Rachel: I did!

there’s so much to discuss

what did you think?

Me: SO MUCH

check my facebook

i wrote an essay

[ed. note. essay transcription:

For the record! Here are some things that I thought did not work.
-Puck's entire story line
-"We have a strict non-descrimination policy." Puke.
-The girls' number. Hardly even a mashup at all. Costumes were great though.
-TWO never been kiss...ed moments? Come on, writers.
-Slow motion hand-holding with strangers?!?! Where are we. I assume they forgot to make it explicit that Teenage DREAM was being literal? or something?
-Private school boy is too cute for Krazy Kurt, I preemptively hate that match-up

Things that worked.
-The mailman is always funny, always.
-Kurt, as usual, acted the SHIT out of this episode. The sweaty, balding hamhock scene actually really worked for me! They hit all the right emotional themes, it was surprising, it was believable, and it was relatable for me.
-The final guys' number was killer.
-Kids can be HORRIBLE in high school! It's really hard to realize that teachers are humans while you're in school, so I was a fan of having otherwise nice people, like Finn and Tina, be the "villains" for that conflict. Bieste for president of Glee.
-Sue's "WOUNDS" line won the episode, no one is surprised.

I'm ambivalent about Schue kissing Bieste. It was clearly a non-romantic, endearing friendship kiss, although Schue was probably being a little condescending, at least he wasn't being malicious and evil, like he usually is, or even causing unintended evil consequences due to negligence, like he sometimes does.]

it’s a good starting point i think

Rachel: haha I think I read it

I agreed entirely, except my opinion of the boys and girls numbers are switched from yours

but that’s unimportant

important= Kurt is seriously the best thing this show has going

that locker room scene was inTENSE

Me: OMG

how GREAT was it

Rachel: so great

Me: one of the best scenes of the series

kurts whole storyline was such a GREAT depiction of my life

like, my first kiss was also by a bully

in a different way

in that he was an asshole AFTER the fact

Rachel: ah ok

but still

it was great b/c they kissed but then, realistically, the guy was still an asshole

Me: in terms of hitting all the emotional themes

Rachel: but now kurt had more perspective

yeah, I totally agree

I was glad that everyone learned an Important Lesson

and that they got to humanize Bieste

because from the getgo that character has been pretty dehumanized

but her scene with will was really moving

Me: although they didn’t really establish anything new with her?

i feel like they’ve already established these character aspects

and i fear she is turning into a wuss

Rachel: they’ve def already established that she’s tough but gooey inside

or at least that she wants to be loved just like everyone else

but her quitting and the scene of sue gloating about it to will was more complex than this show usually gets

the whole ‘think of her to not be aroused’ plotline was kind of awful though

because clearly, even as the show was frowning on such behavior, it was taking part in it via comical interludes of her in lingerie

Me: but do you remember high school?

kids are evil brutal nihilistic pricks

poor miss cloutman!

i’m glad i don’t remember the things we said

and it happens all the time

and nice kids (tina, mike, finn) take part

because kids don’t realize that teachers are also humans

so i’m sure anyone who is a teacher was reaaaally feeling the mirror neurons last night

Rachel: omg I’m sure

kids are horrible to teachers, I remember that from middle and high school for sure

that part was realistic

Me: but i think the writers had problems with stakes

it’s well established that the central conflict between sue and bieste is that sue wants her gone, for budget

Rachel: right, that’s been true the whole season

Me: and we believe that sue is evil enough to go to unbelievable and despicable ends to get rid of her

but i don’t think we got to a point for bieste’s character to up and quit

which was the scene where schue tells her what the kids said

i think it would have made sense for them to cut her quitting and it would have worked

stern talking to from schue, and an apology

Rachel: definitely

I dont think people say stuff like “I am really going to quit” nowadays if they arent going to follow through 100%

in a situation like this

Me: so if the writers wanted to get bieste gone for the purpose of the sue-bieste conflict, they needed something else

Rachel: right

also, the scene at the private school was SO heavy-handed but also kind of cute

Me: slow motion hand holding?

Rachel: serious discussions with two gay and two straight men who are all friends?

due to a “strict non-bullying policy” or whatever

Me: shut up, twofer

you are making me nauseous

Rachel: I think at that point I said aloud to my roommate “oh, a ’strict’ policy?! well, that just about solves it then! all we need is strict non-bullying policies and the problem will be solved!”

Me: they forgot to establish that kurt was dreaming.

teenage dream.

because there are schools where there is less of a homophobic environment

they just… didn’t get there

where getting actually physically assaulted for being gay while your CHOIR teacher watches and says nothing is unthinkable

Rachel: oh yeah! that was a very weird scene

shue was just like “watching this happen is a profound moment.. for me… to ponder in silence”

Me: in line with his character

it was a horrifying scene, because it was a very accurate depiction of what happens in real life

Rachel: right

I thought the depiction of kurt being bullied was really intense and realistic

b/c bullying isn’t like in “teen wolf” where the bully just says dumb mean things about your mom

people get physically hurt

Me: the more i think about it, the more i think kurt is the best character on any tv show ever

Rachel: he’s so great

and chris colfer does an amazing job with it

Me: yeah, that’s what i mean

Rachel: when he got angry this ep it was totally real and grounded

Me: he’s just so absolutely alone

the way they do kurt’s loneliness is PERFECT

that is how every gay kid feels

no matter their circumstance

this deep, deep loneliness is universal

Rachel: yeah, and they made a great point that there are no other gay kids at the school

and it’s in ohio

so no matter how glittery the glee club costumes, it’s not really a gay-friendly environment that the show has created

Me: it’s a really fine point they make

and it’s been so gradual and perfect

with all the mike omalley scenes

Rachel: it almost seems accidental, it came up so subtly

oh totally

because now, the viewers realize how truly unusual it would be for kurts dad to react that way

Me: “you need to allow yourself to be alone until you find someone brave as you”

Rachel: given their circumstances

Me: that line that made me weep for days and oceans

Rachel: aww I know!

Me: that was so full of truth

Rachel: my heart grew three sizes

Me: and also shrank

because telling someone they need to be alone, and also being right while saying it, is horrible

Rachel: I mean, only horrible if being alone is always a terrible thing

which I hope it isn’t

although I still want Kurt to find a bf and not have his “first kiss” be from some conflicted bully

Me: here’s a link i think is good for this point

http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/11/the-campaign-against-mean-people/66354/

because it’s one of the saddest realities of god choosing you to be gay

is that the correct answer is “sorry, watch everyone else fall in love, you can’t yet, and it’s no one’s fault”

also in the list were santana’s comment “i can think of so many gay jokes right now”

“kurt, you’re with the boys”

such that whatever small comment that was made in the meeting with all the guys made perfect sense as a reason for his character to flip out and storm off to that private school

which would have been really weird if the only thing leading up to that was sam saying “…i don’t want to wear a feather boa”

Rachel: yeah, that made sense, I didn’t think it was an overreaction at all

but I have a query for you

about a part of the ep last night

Me: queery?

or query

Rachel: a queery!

when I was watching the boys meeting scene, I had an instant negative reaction to how the show handled kurt speaking to the guys

Me: about feather boas, or in kurt’s dream?

(i am choosing to reimagine the whole private school as a dream)

Rachel: because it seemed to me that even while trying to present an anti-bullying message, the writers were just depicting kurt as a stereotypical ‘fashion gay’ who would bring in a board of clothing swatches and talk about that instead of about song choice

and I get that fashion is a part of his character, but it seemed like they went out of their way to make him purposely ignore the point of the meeting in order to talk about “gay stuff,” and when I see that depiction elsewhere, I find it really offensive

but since it’s Glee, I can’t tell if I’m reading the scene totally wrong or not, because obviously they don’t intent to propagate stereotypes

even if that’s what I think they’re doing

Me: i think that’s kind of a tough thing!

because seriously, stereotypes are true

and i think the message is more “listen, gays can be lisping and mincing, AND THAT IS FINE”

because i think there’s a knee jerk reaction to say “not ALL x’s are Y’s!!!”

when talking about any group

not ALLL canadians are loggers!

not ALLL french are stinkies!

but like, probably a significant portion of canadians’ livelihoods have to do with logging

so on one hand, you want people to not prejudge others based on their group memberships

“Hi, I’m Kurt, nice to meet you, I’m gay.” “Can you tell me if my outfit matches?” is kind of offensive

and on the other hand, anyone in nude erections asking kurt that now is not offensive

Rachel: that’s exactly my predicament!

because on principle, there’s nothing wrong with him loving fashion and wanting to be on the girl’s team for the competition

those are choices as acceptable as a gay guy being an amazing dancer or a lawyer or whatever

but on the show, in that format, it feels offensive for them to constantly highlight that he isn’t “one of the guys” because he’s gay

and it feels like his interest in fashion is a major way that divide is indicated

Me: i think it’s that kurt’s feeling of not belonging

is because he doesn’t belong in a high school in the middle of ohio?

and someone like kurt in suburban ohio DOES create a lot of discomfort, for everyone?

Rachel: it totally does, in real life

but in real life a kid like kurt in suburban ohio would probably not go to school in a full-on lady gaga costume

unless he had particularly supportive friends and family

so they’re already playing on a different level

Me: and i think it’s maybe just like heightened 10% for tv?

like the kiss got to the emotional core

Rachel: it totally did

that was so well-done

and perfect for this episode

Me: kurt is someone who would really really want to wear a full on lady gaga costume

so by making him actually do that

you get a little bit more drama and plot and conflict, while still staying true to the feeling

so it’s more representational of like, constance mcmillen

Rachel: I guess my problem is that Kurt is a smart character and he should’ve known that bringing in a design board would get a negative response from the guys

and the writers are smart and should know that you don’t have to prove a character is gay by making them care only about fabric swatches

can I pitch an alternate plotline to you?

Me: yes

because i think right now we’re on the same side of a very fine point

Rachel: I think so too

what if, instead of bringing in a costume board that doesn’t mention songs, Kurt had brought in the music for a song like “Man I Feel Like a Woman” or similar woman-hear-me-roar anthem

and the outfits would not be mentioned

but the song choice represents not only overcoming their discomfort with the ‘manly woman’ stereotype that they were hurling at Bieste but also lets them have a kick-ass number that Kurt gets credit for

more subtle? less stereotypical gay to make a point?

or the same?

Me: i dunno!

because things like this make me kneejerk to do something real faggy

maybe he wouldn’t bring in a fabric board and diarama, because he doesn’t have a prop department?

another alternate plotline

they’re sitting around talking

brainstorming

and he says “we should wear feather boas”

Rachel: Go on…

Me: the end

Rachel: I would support that too, if it got integrated into the final number

Me: it’s the same feeling

Rachel: Bc then they’re still allowing him to be exactly who he is

Without being so hamfisted as to use a literal fabic swatch board

Me: but then he can’t huffily gather his things and huff off in a huff

i think for the purposes of tv, they are indistinguishable

Rachel: I don’t know

Me: okay can we move on to our point of disagreement?

nvm let’s stay here

Rachel: Haha no move on

I agree that we’re on a razor-thin margin of differenxe

*ce

Me: okay

the girls v boys

i would like to posit as a jumping off point

what a mashup is, and what it should accomplish

they should, as a rule, be contrasting songs

Rachel: Or at least different songs

Me: but at the very least should create unexpected or different reactions than either one of the songs by themselves would

Rachel: Stylistic, tempo, era etc

Me: exhibit a

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfG94k41MrI

miley cyrus and biggie

Rachel: Agreed

Me: so the girls’ number

was just living on a prayer, full stop.

outfits, vocal performance, choreo? fantastic

you can’t just perform living on a prayer, say “start me up” at the end for the button, and call it a mashup

the men, however, got two songs that were different, and integrated them well

“free your mind in the name of love” is a different thing entirely

and i thought it worked well for the themes of the episode

and actually salvaged the whole episode

and i guess here, my primary criterion is “did they complete the assignment”

much like how i love modern family, because while being formulaic and sometimes cheesy and trite, it completes its assignment better than any other sitcom

Rachel: Woah, trite?

You watch it mister

Me: okay, minus two points for word choice

Rachel: Cheesy? Absolutely

But anyway! Glee mashups

Me: yes, fully rescind the word “trite”, it goes against my point

Glee mashups!

Rachel: I will agree that the girls’ wasn’t a great mashup in the ideallistically pure sense of the concept

BUT!

Costumes were hair-metal perfect, songs were two great classic rock hits that worked well together

Me: “worked well” = “the same song”?

Rachel: It was energetic, fun, and ridiculous

Haha no, just songs from a similar era of music that dovetailed well

Me: i’m not being convinced that their energy and hair made it better than the boys

Rachel: My argument is basically that the boys had a better mashup but the girls had a better musical number

And honestly, I don’t put much emphasis on the “club assignment” framework

That’s just how the show excuses why normal hs kids would choreo, cvstume and stage 5 numbers a week

Me: okay let me clarify, because i agree with that

Rachel: haha k clarification = good

agreement = better

Me: because “start me up” didn’t add anything, it ended up taking away

Rachel: reasoned discourse = best

okay, I see that too

but also, I didn’t recognize either of the boy’s songs

and I thought the choreo was lackluster

Me: stop in the name of love?

Rachel: i mean, that one obvs, but what was the other song?

were there one or two other songs?

Me: free your miiiiind

two songs

Rachel: ?

I hadn’t ever heard that song before

Me: “Free Your Mind” is the name of a Grammy Award-nominated hit single released by the all-female R&B group En Vogue. Released on September 24, 1992 “Free Your Mind” is the third single released from En Vogue’s critically-acclaimed album Funky Divas. The anti-prejudice rock-oriented song reached number eight on the Billboard Hot 100 chart and number sixteen on the UK Singles Chart.

MTV Video Music Awards 1993

# Best R&B Video (won)
# Best Dance Video (won)

# Best Choreography – Travis Payne, Frank Gatson, and Lavelle Smith (won)

Rachel: ohhh En Vogue! From September 1992, when I was 4!

Me: it’s a claaaassic

Rachel: I can’t believe I forgot about Travis Payne’s epic MTV Movie Awards win

can’t believe it

Me: seriously look it up

Rachel: I think you see where I’m going on this one

Me: it’s a classic

Rachel: no, I believe you, but I have never heard of it or En Vogue

and while I’m glad Glee brings me new music

I feel that another function of mashups is to pair famous songs in a new and innovative way

Me: The group has won more MTV Video Music Awards than any other female group in MTV history, a total of seven, along with four Soul Train Awards, six American Music Awards, and seven Grammy nominations. En Vogue have accumulated over 2,800 weeks on various Billboard charts.[4]

you’re setting a very high bar for famous!

Rachel: again, that’s awesome for them and I am pleased for their success

haha true, I guess if I am the only one who didn’t recognize it, my point is invalid

but it’s certainly not as famous a song as living on a prayer, start me up, or stop in the name of love

is that an accurate statement?

Me: but also

did you know rain on my parade before you saw it on glee?

Rachel: of course!

I’ve seen funny girl

Me: or rose’s turn

Everythings coming up KUUUUURT

Rachel: there have been very few songs on Glee I didn’t recognize

Me: where i’m going with this is that even if you don’t know the song, it should still be awesome

Rachel: which is why last night’s mashup was so confusing!

haha okay, that’s a fair point

it mostly just contributed to my overall dissatisfaction with the boys’ number

also, costumes and choreo were way off: agree/disagree?

Me: costumes and choreo were appropriate

stop in the name of love is very 50s motown, and requires shiny blue jackets

Rachel: is it 50s motown or 60s soul?

Me: not sure

Rachel: I thought it deserved more because that is a great song

Me: but appropriate for either?

Rachel: it might even be 70s disco

which is a HUGE missed opportunity for costuming hilarity

Me: 1965

supremes, motown label

Rachel: but not motown era

ruh roh, razor thin disagreement again!

Me: still, shiny blue jackets, arm sway-snap

Rachel: yeah, pretty standard stuff, not as fun as the girls’ hair-metal ridiculousness

but I will concede that they were going for a motown vibe and that explains both the costumes and choreo

which is an idea I love in theory but apparently not practice

Me: and i feel like shiny blue jackets came back in the 1990s?

like boyz II men maybe?

i’m revisiting free your mind

i’m becoming even more recalcitrant in my opinion

because there’s this little do wop shoop shoop in the background

i’m thinking this is even more brilliant and inspired song choices than before

Rachel: I only watched it last night and I had a few glasses of wine, but I also stand by my opinion upon reflection

Me: agree to agree that the other person is wrong

Rachel: let’s both do that

Me: i agree with me that you are wrong

you agree with you that i am wrong

Rachel: and I agree with me that you are wrong!

precisely

so in that way, we’re both right

Me: right.

dare i even bring up puck’s clusterpuck of a storyline?

Rachel: UGH

that was so effing stupid

Me: like, what?

Rachel: I don’t even know

so dumb

and pointless

and no one gained anything and it didn’t even make sense half the time

Me: oh hey, puck’s actor has to take a couple weeks off and record and promote a studio album, what can you do for us, writers?

Rachel: yep!

basically

Me: no words are to give their lives for the discussion of the disaster that was puck

but it was good for kevin

i mean artie

oh god

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NLT_%28band%29

kevin mchale nooooo

Their second single, “She Said, I Said (Time We Let Go)” was produced by Timbaland and released on August 21, 2007. The single peaked at number 65 on the Billboard Pop 100;[3] it also reached number 27 in Portugal.[4]

On December 18, 2007, they released an R&B-influenced version of “Silent Night”.

Compilation appearances
#Bratz: The Motion Picture (2007, Geffen) (song: “Heartburn”)

UGH NOOOOOO

anyway

i’m glad artie paid the bill

Rachel: hahahahaha omg “#27 in Portugal”

“R&B-influenced ‘Silent Night’”

this is the wikipedia page that keeps on giving

Me: i used to like artie as a character

now, not so sure

although him being in a “largely unknown” boy band prior to being a rapping cripple

makes him… sadder?

i don’t know

i’ll ruminate on implications later

Rachel: that page is high up on my ‘definitions of sadness’ list

“In 2008, they took part in the Johnny Wright-organized Bandemonium tour, with Menudo, VFactory and Glowb, which was less than successful”

Less. Than. Successful.

Me: yuck yuck yuck

Rachel: “Glowb”

I mean come ON

Me: his bandmate performed on idol?

this is TERRIBLE

Rachel: that’s tragic

Me: http://youtu.be/l0dZKOcbt04

was “discovered” by perez

(not as a competitor, as a special guest)

Rachel: “i luv yu travis garland
nd yur a sikk dancer”

(from the youtube comments)

Me: (i couldn’t tell)

this is all making me nauseous

Rachel: haha let’s move on then

I agree about artie

although my dislike of him stemmed from when he was going out with tina

and then increased when he dumped brittany for no reason

because she’s the best

Me: well, brittany used him

Rachel: I mean, a) she’s kind of too dumb to use people, b) he probably knew that going in, and c) wasn’t he using her too?

Me: yeah

Rachel: to get back at Tina for going out with mike chang?

Me: lots of moral ambiguity!

Rachel: so its kind of a wash on the using

and then I default to siding with brittany

Me: fair

i am not familiar with the handicapped community

but is this type of thing typical?

i could see how in theory, being in a wheelchair could have a big impact on how you see dating

i’m gunna have to tie it back to kurt, because that’s what i know

but they share that loneliness?

is that a fair statement?

because puck was manipulating/teaching him to be a dick to girls

and he went along with it for a while

i didn’t like that

he redeemed himself though

good for him

Rachel: that was great

(the redemption)

but the whole ‘being a jerk to girls together’ thing felt forced

Me: didn’t work at all.

even though he had a history of it!

did someone new write this episode?

just checked

regular writers

so

4000 words later

episode rating, 1-10?

Rachel: hahaha

Rachel: okay, I’ll ponder my rating

Me: k

35 users on imdb rated the ep, and it’s at a 9.7

for anchoring purposes

back in a bit

Rachel: NOM

8.5, btw

Me: any particular reason?

actually

don’t

4000 words

Rachel: yep

Me: and i’m going to be all boring

and agree that it’s an 8.5

the god episode was a 9.8

Rachel: haha k agreed

Me: i’m glad we talked it out though

Rachel: me too!

Me: because when the credits rolled

Rachel: I had so many queerys about it

Me: my gut said “WORST OF ALL TIME”

Rachel: ruh roh!

Me: but it was just puck

Rachel: turns out, it was just complex

Me: which i will ignore

Rachel: yeah, that’s the 1 point ding I gave it

and .5 is for one, but not both, of the mashups being weak

weak mashup TBD

Me: it helped that kurt received an 8 out of 3 for his performance and storyline

Rachel: yeah, honestly, the score would be a lot lower if kurt wasn’t around

he got more points than his rubric allowed

for being amazing

Me: yep

life changing

okay i’m going to put this on my blog

maybe we can do this again next week?!

Rachel: yes!

and blog away

Me: for gwyneth!

Rachel: ohhhhhh boy

yeah, that’s going to be eithe rreally amazing or really not amazing

Me: there will be Thoughts!

Rachel: I might watch “Shakespeare in Love” beforehand so I’m in the right mindset about her

Me: or ironman 2

will will be once again making out with Every Adult On The Show

Rachel: my roommate and I have this theory about will

in which he does whatever the last person he spoke to suggested to him on any given issue

Me: hahahahah

i can think of no instances where that isn’t true

will should die

Lest we forget that Mimi has the uncanny ability to make temporal lobes weep at the drop of a dog-whistle-pitch hat metaphor, here is the video that I actually recommend you watch, an 18 year retrospective of incredibleness.

The F.U.D.G.E. Theater Company has one of the first productions of The Wedding Singer in New England, and I’m lucky enough to be a part of it!  The show is, in all honesty, way better than you might expect.  And that’s saying something! You would expect it to be terrific!

It was nominated for all sorts of Tonys when it was on Broadway, including best musical, book, score, choreography, and actor (comedian Stephen Lynch originated the lead role of Robbie Hart).  It’s effing legit.

It’s full of really high-energy, true-to-the-80s, dance-til-you-die dance numbers, like this one:

…as well as all the songs from the movie, like the grandma’s rap, I Wanna Grow Old With You, and Somebody Kill Me (Please).

I’m in the dance ensemble, as a result of which I have lost eight pounds in the past three weeks since rehearsals have started, as well as several smaller roles, like the drunk Steve Buscemi best man and a Billy Idol impersonator, among others.  The leads are supremely talented, and I’m not just saying that.  Here’s a video of our Julia (Kira Cowan, left) and co-ensemble member (AnneMarie Alvarez, right) tearing it up at a cabaret last year:

The cast is gorgeous!  Look at us! I know what you’re thinking! I could get it with the whole damn cast! Well guess what? Your chances of doing so are greatly improved by coming to see the show.

HERE ARE THE DEETZ.

WHERE:

The Arsenal Center for the Arts
321 Arsenal Street
Watertown, Massachusetts

WHEN:

July 24, 25, 30, 31, Aug 1 at 8pm
July 26 at 2pm

HOW DO I GET TICKETS?

Click here.

Tickets are $20 for general admission, $18 for students and seniors.  ProTip! There isn’t any uncomfortable audience participation/assaulting in this show, so don’t be afraid of the front row!

TRIVIA: Did you know that six of the cast members were subjected to the Naughty Nelly/Raunchy Robert encounter?

If I Were a Free-Fallin’ Boy, DJ Earworm

The important question about his death, though, remains unanswered: What do gay people think about it?

Gay people are known to have very important opinions.  That’s a sentence that doesn’t even include a link because it’s so true I don’t even need to source it.

Three more things are true:

1. All celebrities are dead right now.
2. People talked about all celebrities being dead on Facebook.
3. Being concerned about the well-being of society like I am, I compiled some valuable (and possibly life-saving!) information about how concerned people were about dead celebrities.  Specifically, how gay people and straight people were concerned to varying degrees about dead celebrities.

For people not familiar with my Facebook Gaynalyses, here’s the procedure and methodology: I have all of my Facebook friends categorized into one of three friend lists – Gay People, Straight Dudes, and Straight Bitties.  If you are my Facebook friend, I have categorized you.  If you friend me, I will categorize you.  For each of the three groups of people, I counted all status updates between June 25 at 12:01 am until June 30 at 11:59 pm, as well as counted how many statuses mentioned Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, or Ed McMahon and their respective deadnesses. Those are the only dead celebrities, apparently, that warranted mention by my friends Other dead celebrities, such as Steve McNair, earned either one or zero newsfeed appearances from June 25 until the time of this post, influencing both the study period and which dead celebrities were worthy of my scientific scrutiny.  Maybe you should have dangled some more babies out of windows, Steve.

Over the six-day study period, during which 1053 status updates appeared in my newsfeed, 15.4% of all Facebook status updates referred to celebrity death.  Gays and dudes were somewhat more interested in dead celebrities than their cats, fights with boyfriends, and shitty jobs than the ladies were, as you can see below in Figure 1.

Out of the four dead celebrities in question, Michael Jackson’s death had the most uniform appeal among all three study groups.

Straight dudes went comparatively crazy over Billy Mays’ death, probably because they’re all Neanderthals, and Mays dropped out of West Virginia University, kaboom, in typical straight dude fashion.

As for Farrah Fawcett – gays were basically the only ones who cared, because her spirit adjective is the word “fabulous”, making her an immediate favorite of the gays, or a gayvorite. Straight bitties were just jealous she looked so good, and straight dudes think of her looking like this, not this, so they all gave her the silent treatment, being the disrespectful bastards they are. 

Regarding Ed McMahon’s death, no one cared.  He started the wave of celebrideath, but he was only mentioned 6 times on Facebook, and every mention just appeared in a list of dead celebrities 3 days after he died, e.g. “Liz Taylor just sighed relief. Mcmahon fawcett Jackson. We all know these things come in threes [sic].” 

Wikipedia doesn’t call him the “greatest side kick of all time” for nothing.

Here’s a stacked bar graph to better visualize their relative popularity, as the data set is “statuses mentioning dead celebrities” instead of “statuses”.  Sure, this graph directly contradicts stuff I said before, but you haven’t been reading that closely, and also… Facebook. Let’s not get crazy, people. 

***

So there you have it.  Everything you didn’t really care to know about dead celebrities and Facebook.  If you care to learn more about how gay people use Facebook in a slightly different manner than straight people, click here for some similar posts.   Also, none of these graphs come close to the time Bea Arthur died – gays went nuts. Out they minds. You can peep that here.

Please reconsider all previous criticisms and skepticism of people who find images of God in toast and Cheetos, because today, I found God in my facebook newsfeed. If I can use “God” as a placeholder for “extreme coincidence”.  Poetic license, people.

I hope you have read this post, a.k.a. my last post, a.k.a. the post in which I chronicled an evening in which an older couple engaged in some impromptu manual exercises in the middle of a crowded bar, a.k.a. handjobs.  This post is a sequel to that post.

You may remember that Naughty Nelly told me that she and Robert met at a gay bar, “well not so much a gay bar. It’s more of a whorehouse.”  TURNS OUT! Nelly may not have been as a reliable source as I originally may have intuited!  I have a friend who is a talented photographer (check him out) who just so happened to be on assignment for a photography project.  The place in which he was on assignment was Jacque’s, which is a drag bar in Boston.  That is where Robert and Nelly met, because they were spotted together! Not a whorehouse at all!  I feel so betrayed.  Photographer friend sent me this shot:

This is Robert and Nelly dancing together at the drag bar almost exactly one hour before I encountered them. The song being performed at this time was “I Will Survive”. Unfortunately, the performer on stage at this time was the only one that did not agree to be photographed by my friend, so I can’t provide any more detail or context about their now-fabled meeting. (Video, for possible illustrative purposes only). For the record, Jacque’s has the following policy listed on the homepage of their website:

We sincerely ask that you please remain seated throughout the performance for the enjoyment of all our customers and out of respect for the entertainers who work so hard for you. Thank you.

Speaking with my friend, we have been able to forensically synthesize an accurate timeline of their evening based on timestamps of photos and text messages.

• 11:45 pm – This picture is taken. 
• 12:04 am – Robert and Nelly leave Jacque’s drag bar and do the nasty on the patio of an unknown restaurant. Please do not share photographic evidence supporting that second part if anyone happens to have any, I’ve had enough coincidences about this thank you very much.
• 12:57 am – They’re in the bar I’m in, doing yuck yuck things I’ve previously mentioned.
• 1:10 am- They retire to Robert’s hotel room.
• 1:54 am  – Nelly comes back to the bar, she and I chat.
• 2:01 am – Robert comes to collect Nelly, the bar closes, I go home and have nightmares for the rest of the week.

So like, there’s nothing exceedingly exciting or newsworthy, other than the extreme coincidence that I was not the only person I know to encounter Nelly and Robert that fateful evening.  Although I think I’m pretty much done with my recent luck of coincidentally finding people having sex in public for trues, people.

As per yooge, me and the group of quaids were there this past Thursday. Steve and Rob finished up their set around 12:30, but we stuck around for a little while longer.  This post is about to take a dramatic turn. Do not associate the content that follows with my prior ringing endorsement of Steve and Rob, who you should go see wherever they may appear.  Steve and Rob are good people, a sharp contrast to what follows.

The only bar patrons at this point were about 25 twentysomethings and one older couple.  This is a usual occurrence – the bar, being attached to a Marriott and right next to two dance clubs, tends to attract a diverse age range – business travelers, foreign tourists, and college students.  Then, there was a less than usual occurrence. Indeed, I would go as far as to say that it was an unusual occurrence. The older couple was handjobbing. Hand. Jobbing. Right at the table, right in front of everyone, right in plain sight of my impressionable, naive, society-trusting eyes.

Oh my, I said to myself.  I have hit the Are you this person? jackpot. Us suddenly unintentional voyeurs were hooting, hollering, cheering, screaming in fear, squealing in disgust, vocalizing the entire gamut of reactions possible when abruptly being unwittingly thrust into a couple’s Private Time. They acknowledge the crowd with a little wave and a smile, then get back to business.  Cameras flash.  They don’t stop.  They are very clearly enjoying the spotlight.  There may or may not have been a cell phone with video capability shining a very bright LED light on them for holy-shit-that-just-happened posterity purposes.  (A video which may or may not be located here. You can’t see anything, other than be able to confirm that the arm is going up and down.  It’s very grainy, so step away from your screen and squint.  It’s solely to prove I’m not a liar about this, and also some of the screams are quite entertaining as people realize one by one what is happening).  She says, “Send us over a drink, at least!” and HOLY FUCK SHE’S GETTING ON HER KNEES. My stomach and repressed, discretion-valuing Catholic upbringing can handle it no longer.  I go to the other side of the bar, back turned, hands around my eyes like horse blinders.  A minute or two later, they exit the bar and go into the hotel.

In the next 5 minutes, the phrase “That just happened.” was spoken no fewer than 642 times. People wept, people laughed nervously, people sat in corners rocking back and forth.

Then! The woman came back! She sat at the bar! And ordered a glass of wine.  I went over to her and chatted up the Susan Boyle of hooking up.  Here’s our conversation, reproduced to the best of my trauma-blunted hippocampus’ ability. (for best results, read her lines with a Long Island accent, and every time there is a vowel sound, hold it out for 50% longer than you would think is necessary. Also, add a smidgen of MadTV’s Stewart’s mom’s intonation)

Me: Wow, that was quite the performance.  Can I take a picture with you??

Nelly: Of course, darling.

Me: Um, my name’s Steve.

Nelly: Well, it’s very nice to meet you Steve.  My name is Nelly*.

Me: So like, who was that dude?

Nelly: His name is Robert*.

Me: Where did you meet him?

Nelly: At a gay bar.

Me: A gay bar…?

Nelly: Yeah, a gay bar.  It’s right around the corner.  My gay friend was like “Let’s go out! To the gay bar!” Well, it’s not so much a gay bar. It’s more of a whorehouse.

Me: Oh, a whorehouse.

Nelly: Yeah, a whorehouse.  Anyway, I met Robert, and then we went to this patio of this restaurant around the *other* corner from here and we did it on the patio.

Me: So this is your second public encounter tonight?

Nelly: Well yeah! I went out to lunch at this nice restaurant that had a nice patio, so I brought Robert there and we had sex on one of the tables, and then we came here.  He has a room in the hotel tonight, but he wants me to come back to his house.  I don’t think I trust him enough for that.

Me: … (short inhale, squint) …

(Robert enters the bar)

Me: Nice to meet you, Robert.  Well done today.

Robert: Thank you. That was a nice tribute to Michael Jackson that you sang tonight.

Nelly: Robert can speak Italian!

Robert: Something in Italian

Me: You guys know that there were people that saw you, right?

Nelly: Oh yeah, what’s the big deal?

Me: Did you notice the camera flashes?

Nelly: Ya, we put on quite the show, didn’t we!?

Me: You guys make such a cute couple.  Can I take a picture of you two?

Robert: Please do!

Nelly: Here, take my business card! Email it to me! Hold on, let me write down my personal email address for you.

Me: Oh, well thank you! I’ll be sure to send it!

Click. (Beep, rather. It’s a camera phone. But “click” is a word more strongly associated with the sound a camera shutter makes. You get the damn point.)

Me, mind collapsing from the gravity of the situation I have experienced: Okay, well I’m going to find my friends. You two have a good night…

***

I hate straight people.

*This is a morally ambiguous post at best.  I at least changed their names, because I have at minimum 0.002 souls.

Bonus! Here’s a quick clip of Press Secretary Robert Gibbs confirming that Monday’s White House reception for LGBT leaders is just for show and no actual action is being considered with regard to gay rights legislation: