It’s quite simple.

Don’t interrupt any Scene, for any reason, any time unless:

• You’re invited to take part in said Scene
• You’re someone with the authority to do so (DM, Host, etc.) and you have a damn good reason (e.g. safety!)
• There is an emergency and none of the above are available

Being drunk, stupid or overwhelmed by the “mating urge” doesn’t count.

I wonder.

It’s Tuesday – July somethingth and I’m back from Denver…Thunder In The Mountains.

I’ll save talking about the experience as a whole for another time and concentrate on one specific event. 

If you ever get a chance to do a Hook Pull, take it! Yeah, it sounds scary, but it’s those things that scare us most that offer the greatest reward. This was my second pull. I’d done one with a friend…we each put 8 ga. hooks in our backs and went to town. This was an experience with Jouvarti, Juju_Bees and about 100 other people…all with drums, shaman, 8 ga. hooks in our chests, hanging off of scaffolding and dancing in circles, being attacked by flogger handles, madmen with elephant hooks in their chests and Hitachi’s gone wild!

Emotions also pitch about the scale. I wept like a child and laughed maniacally. I screamed in pain and joy and just screamed for the pure hell of it. I was furious at times and rampantly turned on at others. Blood flowed down my chest and I wiped it on my forehead, even drew a smiley face. I reached out to Jouvarti and drew a line of blood down her forehead. We danced with strangers, danced alone, the three of us sat together and just pulled…lost to an energy not even able to be captured by words. Pain, for me, was a conduit to other places and a release for things long buried.

This will take some time to fully process, so I’m sure it will be revisited. There is also a suspension in my future; that’s just the next logical step. But I had to share what I had and encourage you.

Do it. Take the chance. It is worth it in every way.

-Tutivillus.Sadist 

I have deleted my Facebook account and will not be getting another one. Why? Well, Google+ is the main reason, but the last straw?

Getting ready to delete the account I went in to my "account settings" and saw that someone had accessed my account on June 9th from New Jersey at 8:30am EST? What's more, the report showed every OS and browser under the sun on that access (WTF?). Thinking it may just be some fluke from a mobile access, I logged in using my Android. Nope! (It evidently doesn't report those at all…odd.) When I refreshed the entry from the 9th was gone.

Fluke or not, that's just some nasty, lazy security.

Facebook? You suck!

Bye!

Not the one you’re thinking of (if you’re kinky) – I’m talking about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It has allowed me (with the help of a good Doc. and meds) to go from a wildly out of control Bipolar Type 1 to a man in remission for the last several years (although that remission has been seriously tested this last year). 

I accept being Bipolar. I got my first name on the Internet from writing about my illness and connecting with others who were trying to understand it. It’s been a factor in three divorces. When I stopped fighting it and began to harness it, work with it, everything fell into place — I wasn’t broken anymore. I was simply – me.

Unfortunately, it’s just never quite that easy, is it?

We’re multi-faceted beings in long, elliptical orbits and sometimes it isn’t until we get close to the sun that something else becomes visible.

For the last couple of years I have wondered at something gnawing at me. It’s been there longer, probably my whole life, but it wasn’t until my mind began to quiet that I could actually feel it. There wasn’t even a full awareness of it at first…just an oily sense of something else. This last year I’ve homed in on it, keeping quiet until recently; I don’t want something else. I don’t need another thing…

…but I’ve got one. Goddamit.

This is one I’m not going to be so vocal about simply because I don’t need to be. It won’t kill me, it’s not contagious, it’s not a danger to others and it doesn’t alter who I am. Treating it may make a difference in a lot of ways, but only to me, really. Knowing what’s there and how it works on me answers many, many questions and makes me sad in some ways and I am sorry to those that I inadvertently inflicted with my own faults. 

Ah well…this is how I was made. I know more and with that knowledge I must grow stronger, right?

Stand up, take a step and continue.

This is a continuation from the Negotiation series, asking:

Let's say this is for a Scene and he's provided references…

• Advise her to start with "What he *can't* do" then negotiate for what he can. This way the limits of the scene should be well defined…or not, depending upon her wishes.
• Is the scene SSC or RACK? (She should know and understand the differences).
• Safe words and rest words – well established and clearly understood, if desired.
• Can she bring someone to observe? (If desired)
• Sex, sexual contact, safe sex – yes/no, none? Define.
• Get his phone number, name and address, give it to someone she trusts.

**Before you begin! – Touch and proximity.

• **There is a difference between “May I Hug you” and “May I Touch you”. 
• **If someone crosses a boundary you are not comfortable with during negotiation, TELL THEM. Once may be a mistake. If they do it again? End it.
• **Negotiation is fluid – there is no 1 way to do it. There are, however, Wrong ways to negotiate.
• **Roll with it, relax, get to know who you’re talking to.
• **Active Listening is KEY!

• Lists and Compromise
  
  • Negotiation is about making lists and finding compromise
  • What is the nature of the negotiation?
    • Long-term
    • Short-term
    • Scene, etc **(Formal, Informal, 10-second, 3-month, Seduction, Dirty)
  • Find the Wants (Theirs), present the Wants (Yours), compare the Wants
  • **Why aren’t you saying “Desires?” (Talk about Lee’s “You know what would be hot?” vs. “I want to do…” Dirty Talk/Action)
  • Make the List
  • Compromise – you won’t get everything you want…deal with it. **(This is not just YOUR scene)
• Voice and Discovery
  • Remind all parties that this is the time Everyone Has A Voice! USE IT.
  • **It is often forgotten (by slaves, submissives, Doms, Masters, etc. That all RELEVANT parties involved in the negotiation have equal voice. Encourage a dialog!!)
    • **Who is Irrelevant? If two “Dominants” are negotiation a Scene for one (or more) of their “submissives”, that sub is irrelevant to the negotiation if the Dom has rights to negotiate for is/her “property”.
    • Discuss ”Property”, Relationships and appropriate approach when beginning Negotiations.
  • Reassure
  • Use the verbal clues to discover what you’re not being told.
    • Use the non-verbal clues to REALLY discover what you want to know.
  • Use a notebook, write things down
  • Ask specific questions, do not be shy! **(Asking for References? Both sides)
  • Define Hard and Soft Limits **(Concentrate on “Can”, not “Can’t”).
  • Reassure
• Time
  • Not everything will happen all at once – be patient **(Again, determine what’s Fantasy and what’s a Want)
    • **How to walk away from someone’s fantasy (Wasting your time)
  • The Dom/Master should set the pace, this is where Control begins
  • Often, using time and pace can weed out troublesome play partners
• The Close
  • Agreements – Be courteous, ask. **(It’s like closing a sale, a deal, a kiss)
    
    • The Word – Simple and informal
    • The Contract – Complex and binding **(But is it legal?)
    • http://24ways.org/2008/contract-killer

    “If you are writing a contract between you and your customers it doesn’t have to conform to the seemingly standard format of jargon and complicated legalese. You can be creative. A killer contract will clarify what is expected of both sides and it can also help you to communicate your approach to doing business. It will back-up your brand values and help you to build a great relationship between you and your customers. In other words, a creative contract can be a killer contract.“

  “What appears at first to be a straight-forward project can sometimes turn long and complicated and unless you play it straight from the beginning your relationship with your customer can suffer under the strain.“

  • Once closed, negotiations are done.

“It’s also important to note this…Negotiation is where a scene begins. It’s an Art. Skillful negotiation by a Dom can show their ability to take control. Skillful negotiation by a sub can show their ability to keep control and surrender when they see the situation fitting their comfort level and desires.

I am a firm believer in this. If you’re not doing it (especially in the beginning of a D/s “relationship”) then you’re only asking for troubles.” 

Dom: (let me know if *any* of these questions make you uncomfortable)
sub:Yes.
Dom: Safe words work here too!
sub:Thanks.
sub:I’m not uncomfortable.
Dom: Okay. Respect is key.
sub:Understood.
Dom: Humiliation during a scene?
sub:Not really. It’s not something I’m comfortable with right now.
Dom: Got it, we’ll put that on the “Soft Limits” list.

http://dungeonplace.com/hole/2008/09/23/negotiation/

©2009 Tutivillus / DungeonPlace.com

Originally Posted on: KinkAbuse.com

Copyright 2011 Tutivillus

Preface: Before you begin

Sit across the table from a Person of Interest and pay attention to what your mind does. If you’ve never met this person in the flesh, what’s the first thing you notice? Is it a physical trait? Their eyes? A curve? Lips, hair, ass? What about the sound of their voice? Or the way they walk? Do you pay attention to the warmth of their hand as you take it? Maybe their scent as you share a brief, friendly embrace.

If you’ve met them online, you may know what they choose to share, but you haven’t had the chance to pull in a full experience of that person. Now, while they are in front of you, your senses begin to gather everything, fill the gaps and complete the impression you will carry.

They are doing the same thing, at the same time from their point of view.

So, what’s important here?

This is going to be a Negotiation. Someone may eventually take the roll of Dominant, someone may eventually take the roll of submissive. How do you make the most of every second, learn and gather the greatest amount in the least amount of time?

It starts with a few simple courtesies and common practices.

Touch and Proximity

Most of us have a sense of personal space. When we meet someone who may become important to us our senses are on high alert. That sense of proximity is especially sensitive. Before you touch, hug, move close?

Ask.

“May I give you a hug?”

“While we talk about this, may I take your hand?”

“Would you mind if I put this claw on my finger and scratch your thigh?”

Ask.

It lays the groundwork for Trust and sets the tone of the negotiation. It’s also the best way to proceed without misunderstanding. It shows confidence and consideration.

Active Listening

Listen before forming a response. Taking mental notes. When responding using what was said to create an understanding. “I” statements and neutral language. These are all crucial tools used in Active Listening. Negotiation itself is about fluid communication. It will change and evolve throughout it’s lifetime, roll with it while being in touch with what you’re hearing, seeing and feeling. It validates that person across the table from you and, in their eyes, validates you.

During Negotiation, Everyone Has A Voice! Use it!

It doesn’t matter what role will be assumed. The end goal doesn’t matter. Negotiation is your time to speak, set expectations, voice desires, explore, fantasize and place limits. Never be afraid to speak at this time, it’s your right and it’s not only expected, it’s appreciated!

Broken Boundaries = NO

This one’s simple. Follow it, memorize it, worship it.

If someone crosses a boundary you are not comfortable with during negotiation, TELL THEM. Once may be a mistake. If they do it again? End it.

Easy. Keep these in mind and place them in play. You’ll never regret it and your negotiations will become so very much easier.

Tongues and Paper

At the tender age of First Play I had no idea of Negotiation and its meanings. I knew only “Do this!” and the actions that followed. Everything was unscripted, raw and fueled by adrenaline, stupidity and young lust.

Some time during the growing years a script appeared out of nowhere. I don’t know who wrote it. I don’t know where it came from, but it was there and it was full of “Choose Your Own Adventure” peels and turns. It had blank spots for me to fill and it was frustratingly vague.

The script was not the “Owners Manual to Male Sexuality and Dating”. It was more like a badly constructed slide presentation from the makers of an Infomercial failure. I grabbed a pen (should have been a pencil…they have erasers) and got to work.

I can proudly say that as I enter the 4th decade I have no fucking clue as to what I’m doing. I just know how to negotiate what I want and that’s what I want to pass on.

Want/Desire

When was the last time you wanted something, badly? You wanted it, but the other people involved in your “want” had other visions. That collective vision shifted what you wanted into something you participated in with less enthusiasm than you had when the initial excitement burned hard in your imagination.

Disappointed? Sure. It’s natural. Excitement and desire carries us away at times. It takes effort and careful measure (that’s Discipline to you and me) to control those emotions and reign them in. But how do we control them and not deflate the fun?

This may shock you a little, but you can have control, discipline and fun with…Compromise.

The hell you say?

Follow my logic before you burn the article.

Most of us look at compromise as taking a whole, tearing it apart and using the bits to piece together some abomination that’s a half-assed representation of the original construct. Why? Because it’s the only way to “keep the peace”. The path to happiness is a long and twisted road that gives all travelers sore feet and simply makes them grateful for a place to sit (the destination no longer being important).

That’s really not the best way to look at compromise, especially when negotiating. If you start with something grandiose, then yes, you’ll likely have to do some deconstruction before you actually make any progress.

“I want to do a scene where I tie you up with 27 (not 25) sparklers tied in your hair, suspend you exactly 6 and a half feet from the floor, flog you 323 times, paddle you (with my oak Frat paddle) exactly 27 times and then! (as the sparklers sputter) I will cut the ropes, dropping you into a small wading pool full of monkey urine (imported from the dark jungles of southern Madagascar).”

Yeah…chances are you’re gonna lose something if you start off with that. However…

“How would you feel about mixing rope, suspension and sparklers?”

…it’s a better foundation. You’re presenting key elements, starting simple and giving the person your negotiating with a chance to sound off. There’s also a good chance the two of you could build something even better than you first imagined.

“Sparklers? Hell, I’ve always wanted to shoot bottle rockets out my ass!” (Don’t try that…it’s a literary example…just to illustrate a point.)

Want is good. It’s great! Getting everyone to start wanting, desiring the same outcome? Better.

Building Trust

Once that common ground is found and a base constructed you need to create a structure. The structure is Trust. It’s a simple thing, fragile at first, then it becomes complex and a central support for any relationship. Violate trust and something dies; rebuilding sucks and is best avoided. What I’m about to write is only a few of the common sense methods used to create trust in a relationship.

Start simple and go from there. If you are spending moments with a person to discuss mutual desires and goals, there’s a good chance that you will have time to build — if everything clicks.

Follow your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, take a step back. If the other person gets impatient and walks, it was not meant to be.

If it feels wrong, walk. Thank them for their time, be courteous, leave as a friend or at least an ally.

If it all feels great? Go with the natural pace, force nothing.

If the other person has a difficult time establishing trust or boundaries, create a few exercises to help create them.

Be very clear about what you are wanting, what you expect and the roles each should fill.

Follow through – Always. What ever you say, what ever you say your are going to do…DO IT!

Respect. Respect. Respect! No matter what the role, respect!

Paper?

In our world there are precious few laws constructed to protect, but a paper trail has never hurt…if you’re the one with the paper. Also (and more importantly), it makes a great reference! Especially if you have more than one play partner. You never want to be in the position of mixing hard limits…it’s awkward and often leads to swearing.

Get a good notebook, a pen and keep track of your negotiations. Don’t be obsessive about your notes. Just write down the important points and keep them handy.

“But I…”

There’s a two-edged sword to all of this negotiation, it’s avoidable, but not many people consider it until they’ve been cut. I’m going to put it out there, so everyone can take appreciation of its naked simplicity.

Do not try to re-negotiate a scene while that scene is underway!

Is that difficult to understand? No? Then why the hell do so many people do it? If you are unsure of something that may or may not be a boundary then one of two things are happening:

You are second guessing yourself (knock it off!)

You didn’t negotiate this part of the scene

If you’re suffering from number 1, either stop now or do a very quick check in with your partner.

“Are you okay with this?”

If yes, keep going and trust them.

If no, stop the scene.

If you’re suffering from number 2, then you’ve got a choice. You can either follow the steps above or stop the scene once it enters unfamiliar territory.

Under no circumstances do you ever (as Top or bottom) try to re-negotiate limits, boundaries or scene parameters once said scene is underway!

I don’t care how hot the chemistry is or how many people are watching or how badly you want to get into that person…if it’s a limit, then it’s NO.

Example: You’re going to do a scene that involves penetration. It has been made very clear that protection MUST be used, but when the time comes you just don’t feel like it goes with the spirit of the scene. You whisper into your partner’s ear and try to convince them to forgo said “rainhat”.

Congratulations, you are not only a douche, but also deserve a complimentary burning at the stake.

It does not matter whether you are the Top or the bottom. If you’ve both agreed on the scene and it has begun, that is what you’re doing! You both have the option to end it if it’s not what you want and you can both fine tune it, later, to make it into something that works for you.

Note: I realize there are MANY who will take exception to this…that is okay. We all learn where our comfort levels are. Shifting focus during a scene and carrying a consenting partner with you is an advanced skill and does not, in my opinion, fall under “renegotiation during a scene”.

Go…

These are just the basics. I may have presented them lightheartedly, but that does not mean it’s not a serious topic. Whether the process takes five minutes on the fly or months of meetings, negotiation is at the core of what we do. It should be habit, make it so.

Negotiation is discovery. It’s learning about the inner workings of another person; listening to intimate details they will not share with more than a handful of others. It is exciting and it is beautiful. Learn to embrace it.

You will be rewarded.

We're launching The Sadist Project…finally. Here's a preview.

I feel exposed…and kinda naked!

I fired off a question on Formspring.

"Slaughter Porn – Yes? No?" And provided a couple of links to some pictures Jouvarti and I did. (She has begun exploring stage makeup with the intent to create some crime scene reenactments.)

As a society, we have a fascination with Crime Scenes…CSI, the voyeurism of violence. I wanted to see what would happen if I changed the name to "Slaughter Porn".

I think GrayDancer's reaction summed it up the best.

Seems to answer the question and follow the consensus! (I wonder if he's a CSI fan?)