Thanks Josh and Tom for this. Made me smile.

What the…? No, really: WTF? (Play video to see John agree with me…)

As if this story making ‘news’ wasn’t bad enough, a video of the little grimer has now surfaced on youtube. Of him rapping with his mates. Sigh…

Crapsicle.

Recently, however, the log burner was out of service for several days while we waited for a chimney sweep to visit. This occured during a really cold spell in Auckland and I am forced to admit we plugged the small, pretty hopeless electric heater in. Its inefficiency meant we wanted to keep its use to an absolute minimum (rightly so, as, even after the minimal use we gave it, it still added $40 to our electricity bill!), so I came up with the following five home heating alternatives:

1. Do the vacuuming
By far the best, this one. You’re going to do it anyway, so it might as well be when you’re cold. Have you ever noticed how much heat those things pump out? Plus, almost as a bonus, you get your carpets all nice and dust-free!

2. Bake a cake
In my experience, ovens are pretty good at making heat. I’m not saying try to preheat it with the door open, but you won’t be disappointed with the heat that huge chunk of metal sat in your kitchen gives off with a pan of cake mixture inside. You can even boil the kettle and enjoy the cake once the work is all done!

3. Have a bath
Treat yourself to a nice, hot (warning: not too hot!) bath. When you’re done, leave the water in it until cold. It will help!

4. Exercise!
Now is the time to follow the government’s advice and do some exercise. 1000 press ups or sit ups ought to do it, but beginners can start at ten and see how these warm them. Hopefully you’ll be eager for more by the end!

5. Insulate things
Although home insulation is a great idea, I’m talking about other things here. Like yourself. Try investing in a fleece or some possum-wool socks and wearing those around the house. Put an extra blanket on your bed. Or maybe an extra duvet…

So there you go. Next time you are stuck for some heat in the home, give these a try and you’ll be sure to survive the winter. And become stronger for it too. And a better person.

Obviously some little misinformed spade at the Post came up with this irrelevant pap some months after 9/11 and has been waiting for a ’suitable’ time for its publication for the best part of eight years. When turmoil erupted in Iran recently, they presumably ignored the advice of several more-educated interns at the paper and ran the headline anyway.

It’s a real shame for them, getting it wrong on such a grand scale. All they had to do was open an ‘Atlas of the World’ and look up Iran’s main religion to see that this headline wasn’t actually appropriate in this case. This is the level of research readers’ hard-earned money is put towards at good newspapers.

My friend in the States saw the headline on a copy of the ‘paper’ in a cafe. He left, having remarked, in ink, on the front page: “Racial Propaganda”. I suggest you do the same.

A puncture on the return journey from Matakana at the beginning of the month was to set the bad luck rolling, this alone resulting in the need for two new car tyres to get the car through its WOF (Warrant of Fitness, like an MOT, but spelt different). On returning home that night, we prepared some food to cook, only to see the little blue flame of the gas stove flicker out and not re-ignite until I refilled the gas cylinder next morning. We also opened a bill for our quarterly rates payment that evening. It was abundantly clear: May was not going to be cheap; The fifth month of 2009 was certainly not going to be a bargain; A humongous saving; A deal to bite one’s arm off for.

No! It was going to be f~@$ing* expensive! The car breaking down and costing $500 to fix the following weekend confirmed our fate.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever lived in the New Zealand rain forest at this time of year, but I can tell you: It can be cold and May was cold! Exceptionally cold apparently, with people stating it to be as cold as winter gets here (kind of good, as I’ve had a test run for winter now!). We became extremely grateful for our log burner during this time. We loved the log burner – it kept us warm. Until one night it started leaking smoke into the living room! So that was out of action for about six days until a sweep could come round and investigate. Yes, exactly: more expense! More notes prised from our cold little hands!

The sweep (sadly not a soot-faced little oik) explained that the cowl (no relation!) was broken and we needed a new one. The seemingly bargain price of $60 for a sweep took a $75 leap upwards.

Three weeks since the puncture and we tried to pour ourselves a glass of water. Nothing happened. Our home uses water collected from the rain, saved in a tank, so we went and checked the tank. Glumly, we discovered it was empty. We had not got round to clearing the gutters of all the rotten leaves and had therefore not got round to re-connecting the downpipes to the tank. Basically, we had not gotten round to collecting any water. A somewhat more deserved expense, this time, but still an expense!

Jen’s mother kindly offered to have us stay for the night, so we could shower in the morning, so we jumped in the second car to head over. Now that car wouldn’t start! By now we had had enough and just left it sitting there on the drive for a few days, until, nearing the end of the mother of all disastrous months, I went and gave it a good long try. Finally getting it started, it felt like things were starting to wear off.

Thankfully, the remaining costs of the month were kept to a relative low. They truly were a mean and nasty four weeks and I’m glad they are over. I know they are over because the 31st (exactly four weeks since the puncture!) brought me some kind fortune: I was called and offered a new job. A great job. A job I can’t wait to start…

*_flipping