I replied, “Really? Then I expect you’ll be okay with answering the following questions if asked by a potential client”:

1. “Many companies record conversations with potential customers and clients for training, so may I assume you won’t mind it if I record our conversation here on my voice memo?”
2. “If you were me, would you buy your financial products and services and if so why?”
3. “It’s very clear that what you’re selling is a good deal for you, but tell me specifically how and why it is a good deal for me?”
4. “How much of your own money have you invested in what you’re selling me?”
5. “Even though one cannot predict the future and although I know I can’t hold you to promises you make, what are the reasonable and realistic results I can expect to see if I sign on with you?”
6. “In the event that you don’t achieve those results, what then?”
7.  “Tell me specifically in dollars and cents what you make from my being your client?”
8. “What will your commissions be from further financial product upsells after it?”
9. “How much is your commission from this sale compared to commission from additional financial products you will try to upsell me on later on, once I agree to this?”
10. “Tell me what have been the biggest complaints by people just like me who bought this product or services from you and what did you do about them?”
11. “Might I call those customers or clients as well as your most satisfied customers and clients and ask them anything that’s on my mind and if not why not?”
12. “What’s the name of the person above you in the event that I need to speak to them about you?”

One of the younger people in the audience with probably five years experience replied: “None of our potential or actual customers or clients ask any of those questions.”

Then a much more senior person* who couldn’t restrain himself laughingly blurted out: “Yeah, but they might be thinking about them.”

Here’s the bottom line.  How defensive would you become if asked the above questions? How much would you think a potential client is being impertinent or offensive if they asked them? And is a potential client being paranoid if you are trying to sell them on services that you need them to buy more than they actually need to? After all, if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear.

Finally, if you were that potential client, had been hard sold something in the past that delivered absolutely none of what was promised, that ended up cheating you big time and if you said to yourself afterwards, “Never again will I allow myself to be put in that position again,” do you think asking questions such as the above would be so out of line?

* After my presentation the senior person in the audience came over to me and said, “You were right on the ‘money’ about much of what you said, but in all fairness to our people, many of our wealthy clients are rich, greedy, distrustful and stingy… so they are trying to squeeze the most out of us from their end.”  I then suggested three questions that would help his people get past a potential client’s greed, distrust and stinginess.  He looked at me and said, “Hmmm, you know I think those would work.”

I could tell you what they are, but then of course you’d have to hire me.

Since the release of Sheryl Sandberg’s runaway bestseller, Lean In, there has been a groundswell movement to encourage women to do just that.  I have discussed this with many women I know and many share with me that they are finding that easier said than done.

Some have shared with me that it’s not so easy leaning in when you feel unwelcome, resented and sometimes at best tolerated. One told me that she doesn’t want to act like the “b” word, but finds that when she meets with men in her company, just her anticipation of their unwelcoming, arms crossed, looking up at the ceiling almost mockingly causes her to feel on guard, a little brittle and for her voice to become a little pitchy (that’s “p” not “b”).

In my work with companies, law and accounting firms and especially ones in which the men far outnumber the women, I have observed some of what that woman described.

Sometimes the awkwardness in the room seems to be a case of the “chicken and the egg,” i.e. is it the woman anticipating a negative reaction from men that causes her to be uptight or is it her becoming uptight that causes the men to feel accused of being negative towards her even before they say anything.

One thing I know for sure is that underneath most hostility, resentment or unwelcoming attitudes is fear.

So what is it that the women may be afraid of and what is it that the men may be afraid of that is causing their uptight or nasty behavior on the surface?

One common thing that is going on is that sadly many men by nature appear to have a tendency to act more from ego and are prone to posturing a fair amount especially when they are feeling insecure.  Men also often have a habit of trying to puff themselves up, possibly because they are actually feeling small inside.  And this is something that most men don’t want to be called on.

In fact one of the reason many men don’t like to bring their wives to a number of business related events is that they believe their wives can see through that puffery, not particularly like it and will look at them with a disapproving look.  A number of men have told me that they feel that their wives might blow their cover when the man is trying to come off as confident and self-assured.

One man was very articulate about the awkwardness he felt about his wife, who he nevertheless loved greatly (and I don’t think it was a case of the man doth protest too much).  He told me, “When I am with my wife, I know when I’m bullsh–ing, she knows when I am bullsh–ing, and I know that she knows when I am bullsh–ing.  All of that makes for my feeling inhibited around her when I am trying to promote an air of confidence to other people.”

One wife told me that she didn’t mind her husband acting with confidence.  What she couldn’t stand is when he started acting like a know-it-all bore, who couldn’t take a hint when people had heard enough from him.  She told me that she felt both embarrassed for him and with him.  And what made it worse was how thin skinned he was when she tried to “delicately” point it out to him afterwards. Nevertheless she also declared how much she loved her husband (and again I will plead it not being a case of the lady doth protesting too much).

So if the above is a common phenomenon, is it possible that men are transferring the feelings they might have towards a wife or even a mother onto the women they are dealing with at work and that they are unconscious of this, but nevertheless acting resentful towards the women at work because of it?

And is it possible that because the men are acting this way and unaware of it, that the women are fearful that the deck is stacked against them before they even get a word out?

What do you think?

And what are your suggestions on how women and men can both lean in with confidence to make the exchanges between them energetic, synergistic and helpful to the organization that they are both a part of?

A: How it treats those who have hurt it and those who are hurting in it (adapted from Pearl Buck, Winston Churchill, Fyodor Dostoevsky, John F. Kennedy)

Wouldn’t You Agree?

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Satisfied clients will recommend you to friends, family members and other business they know if they’re asked.

Delighted clients will sing your praises to others without being asked.

From Wikipedia: The “Net Promoter Score” is a customer loyalty metric developed by (and a registered trademark of) Fred Reichheld, Bain & Company, and Satmetrix. It was introduced by Reichheld in his 2003 Harvard Business Review article “One Number You Need to Grow”.^[2] NPS can be as low as −100% (everybody is a detractor) or as high as +100% (everybody is a promoter). An NPS that is positive (i.e., higher than zero) is felt to be good, and an NPS of +50% is excellent.

For more information read Reichheld’s classic book, The Ultimate Question: Driving Good Profits and True Growth.

The Net Promoter Score is tied to whether or not a customer or client would recommend your product or service to a friend or family member.

It is now widely used and often more revealing than many of the customer satisfaction surveys that are on the market, because it essentially says, “Your customer or client’s actions speak louder than their words… or surveys they fill out.”

Using this with your current clients will accomplish the following:

1. Tell you what they really think of you
2. Tell you what you need to improve to improve how they think of you
3. Suggest subliminally that your clients should be thinking of referring you to their friends, family members and other business associates

The way to  put this into practice is to reach out to your current clients and say, “My firm and I have embarked on a program to maximize the satisfaction that our clients such as you feel.  Rather than guessing what that might be, might I ask you a few questions that will help us to provide even better service to you?” (Hopefully they will respond, “Okay”).

Then say, “Thank you,” and ask, “Would you recommend our firm/services to your friends, family members or other businesses you know if they asked? If so, why?  If not, why not?”  Then allow them to answer and prod them to give you specific vs. general answers that can guide on what to do with regard to your services.

If they bring up a gripe, drill down to let them get it all off their chest by asking, “At its worst, when we/I have done that, how frustrated has that made you feel?” Then when they explain, pause, look them in the eye and without any excuses say, “I’m sorry, I’m glad you let me know. I’m going to fix that.”

If they bring up something great, drill down and have them elaborate on it so they remember something they feel very grateful to you for.  Then when they finish, smile and say, “I’m very pleased that we were able to do that and want to do even more going forward.”

After the above discussions say to them, “One last question, what would we need to do even better for you to go out of your way to recommend us to your friends, family members or other businesses you know without their asking?”

Then listen to whatever they say.  When they finish, say this to them, “This is very important and I want to make sure I got it exactly right. Is what you said, (then repeat word for word what they said) and if I or we did that, you’d recommend me/us to friends, family members and other businesses without their even asking?”

Then wait for them to give you a confirmatory, “Yes.”  When they do that, it tends to deepen their commitment to actually doing that in the future.

If they say, “It’s not my style to do that unless someone asks me,” be gracious and respond, “I can understand that, many people are uncomfortable doing something like that and I just thought it doesn’t hurt to ask.  In the meantime, I look forward to continuing to work with you and to be even better at how I and my firm serves you.”

BTW if you are uncomfortable doing the above, be candid with yourself.

Is it because you can’t stand pushing people in any way, shape or form, or is it that you don’t want to find out how your customer or client really feels about you and your firm? If it’s the latter, one of the reasons you may be uncomfortable is that down deep you may feel guilty that you care less about being of service than you do about upselling them on more services when you are being pressured by your firm to increase revenue and you don’t want your clients to find out. After all, being of service is about what’s in it for them, being of sales is about what’s in it for you and if they know that, they’re not going to want to promote you to anyone.

A: People who feel unacceptable and unlovable regardless of how much they are accepted or loved as adults.

Wouldn’t You Agree?

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A: Something they were supposed to do and didn’t or something they did do that they are trying to keep from being discovered.  By keeping you on the defensive or off the scent of something they have done wrong or failed to do, “Blaming takes the worry out of being found out.”

Wouldn’t You Agree?

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Let’s face it.  It’s not that you hate such exercises; it’s that you hate how lousy you are at them.

You’ve heard all this talk about building relationships (and I am an international expert on that subject).  But let’s face it.  You’ve never been good at that.  Just ask your spouse or even your kids who think you’re incredibly smart. Period.  End of compliments from them.

I hate to say it, but building business is secondarily about building relationships.  What it’s about is getting the chance to demonstrate some incredible service professional skill, talent or capability and solving an Important, Critical and/or Urgent problem (what we call taking it to the ICU) in some effective and efficient way that your client and you know they never would have come up with in a million years.  After you’ve demonstrated such amazing value, they might want to develop a relationship with you.

So let’s make this as painless as possible and cut to the chase that it’s all about getting and closing new business.  Right?

And so, when it’s service professional speed networking time, be prepared to ask and answer these questions:

1. Hi, I’m ______, what’s your name?
2. I work for _________ which does __________ and what I do there is ______________.
3. What’s your company and what does it do?
4. What do you do there?
5. Who hires you?
6. What do they hire you for?
7. When do they hire you?
8. What do you get done for them?
9. Why do they hire YOU and not one of your competitors?
10. Tell me a story of a problem you solved for someone, using a counter intuitive solution, and the “breakthrough” result so I can get a taste of how you do what you do and what difference it makes.

Isn’t this fun?

Seriously, take the above to your partners, associates and anyone else who is trying to do biz dev and modify it to fit what makes sense.

Good luck.

Special thanks to:

• Patrick Henry, The Fishing Coach
• David Ackert, The Ackert Advisory
• David Booth and Deborah Shames, Eloqui
• K.C. Victor, Victor Legal Solutions
• Dave and Marhnelle Hibbard, Dialexis
  
• Marty Nemko, NPR Career Coach host, U.S News & World Report columnist

They are all great at what they do. You should check them out.

Scoring: 1 = rarely; 2 = sometimes; 3 = frequently

1. How often do you say,  “I’m sorry” vs. expect others to say, “I’m sorry”?
2. How often do you say, “Thank you” vs. expect others to say, “Thank you”?
3. How often do you say, “I was wrong” vs. expect others to say, “I was wrong”?
4. How often do you patiently wait for people who are taking too long vs. expect people to patiently wait for you when you are taking too long?
5. How often do you go out of your way to help someone without their having to ask vs. expect someone to go out of their way to help you without your having to ask?
6. How often do you give people the benefit of the doubt vs. expect people to give you the benefit of the doubt?
7. How often do you give others a compliment vs. expect others to give you a    compliment?
8. How often do you root for others vs. expect others to root for you?
9. How often do you acknowledge the deeds of others vs. expect others to acknowledge your deeds?
10. How often do you listen to others vs. expect others to listen to you?
11. How often do you take responsibility for your actions vs. expect others to take  responsibility for their actions?
12. How often do you accept no for an answer from others vs. expect others to take no for an answer from you?

Scoring:

12 – 17: There is little to no gold in the rules you follow. You are not only a “dyed in the wool” person who lives by a double standard, you’re “high maintenance” (easy to upset, difficult to please) and a drag.  You tick of people and most people resent you.  If they keep you in their lives, you are either frickin’ brilliant at something, they need something from you that they can’t get from anyone else, they are martyrs or they’re so furious and feel so guilty about feeling close to out of control that they either put up with you or worse give you your way.  Be careful.  Once they wise up and realize how little they get from a relationship with you and gather the courage to cut their losses, you’re toast.

18 – 26: You’re average.  Not bad, not so great.  You can improve and move into the 25 – 30 category and become a valued friend and partner or you can spend too much time with the 12- 17 category people and have them drag you down to their level. It’s really your choice.

27 – 36: You really do practice the golden rule and do onto others as you would have them do onto you. You’re also “low maintenance” (easy to please, difficult to upset) and a dream as a friend or partner.  People may not realize and appreciate you for your great qualities at first, but over time they will.  Be careful not to get involved with people in the 12 – 17 category.  You will be minced meat and over time they will only cause you to become frustrated or sullen.  You may do so by thinking of yourself as the better person, when in reality you are being foolish.

* Of course if you are real gutsy, have the people around you take the DSAT in terms of how they would rate you.  And then if you are really committed to changing for the better, do a gap analysis between their ratings and yours and then ask them what you need to start doing and stop doing so that they view you as practicing the Golden Rule.

I have a close friend who has a unique way of selling businesses by: a) helping founders of businesses to be be more rational; b) causing buyers to be more irrational (so as to offer the highest prices for those businesses).  And I would be happy to introduce you to him.

But what caught my attention in a recent conversation is how he dealt effectively with his sixteen year old  daughter’s question about the fact that many of her girl friends were having sex and she didn’t know if she was ready to do the same with her boyfriend (my friend and his wife have a wonderfully communicative relationship with their children).

My friend responded to his daughter: “You’ll know you’re ready for sex if you’re okay with the possibility that your boyfriend might not speak to the day after and might even avoid you and furthermore if he tells other people about it and the word spreads that you did it with him, which can make you the focus of a lot of gossip.”

She replied, “Dad, you’re so weird.  That will never happen.”

Nevertheless she refrained from having sex and then six weeks later, she took her dad aside and said: :”You’ll never guess what happened?  My close friend Carrie had sex with her boyfriend over the weekend and he stopped talking to her and told his friends about it and now the whole thing has spread through the school that she did it.  How did you know that would happen?”

My friend replied, “I wasn’t always your dad, once upon a time I was a boy too.”

For what it’s worth, both of my friend’s daughters were virgins when they started college.

Of course if such a deterrent doesn’t stop you, you might follow the advice of funny man Geoff Brown who is my co-host on the Zo What Morning Show along with philosopher Zo Williams.  Geoff says that when a young man comes to his house to take his daughter out on a date, he directs that man to go to a bathroom in the back of the house and “jerk off” to get it out of his system so that he doesn’t spend the entire date trying to get his daughter to have sex with him.

A: The in-sight into what you say and do or fail to say and do that detracts from your Results, Reputation and Relationships*.

Wouldn’t you agree?

Please share your comments below.

* Source: REAL INFLUENCE: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In (Amacom, 2013)