When these elements are abundant, a relationship is vital and strong. When any one of them is in short supply, the relationship is troubled.

To make a relationship last…

Identify where it has deteriorated. Have dialogue to air resentments, correct misunderstandings and develop solutions to which both partners commit.

Take steps to keep the six elements out in the open, where they can be nurtured by you and your partner — so you can stay in love.

KEEP THE CHEMISTRY

Chemistry is the passion that sweeps you away when you first fall in love.

Test yourself: How often are you turned on by the way your partner looks dressed and undressed?

Answers: 1/Rarely… 2/Sometimes… 3/Often.

EARN EACH OTHER’S RESPECT

This has more to do with how good a person you are — and how good a person your partner is — than how good each of you makes the other feel. You demonstrate respect by how well you listen.

Test yourself: How often do you listen to your partner and hear him/her all the way through without interrupting?

Answers: 1/Rarely… 2/Sometimes… 3/Often.

ENJOY EACH OTHER

This is about having fun being together. When you’re with your spouse — or think about him — it makes you feel lighter and puts a smile on your face. Unpleasant people — judgmental, easy to disappoint and difficult to please — drain your energy.

Test yourself: How often do you and your partner dine alone together?

Answers: 1/Rarely… 2/Sometimes… 3/Often.

ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER AS IS

It is better to hope for change, rather than to keep acceptance contingent on changes being made. When acceptance is missing, partners feel judged and as if they can’t do anything right.

Test yourself: How often do you feel you can be yourself with your partner?

Answers: 1/Rarely… 2/Sometimes… 3/Often.

BUILD TRUST

Trust makes it safe to confide fears and dreams without concern that what you say will be exploited, betrayed, trivialized or ridiculed. It takes seconds to destroy trust — and years to rebuild it.

Test yourself: How often are you able to tell your partner things you feel embarrassed or ashamed about?

Answers: 1/Rarely… 2/Sometimes… 3/Often.

EMPATHY TO DEFUSE RESENTMENT

Empathy is about understanding and feeling understood by your partner. It’s asking, “What’s it like for my partner right now?” Don’t presume you know.

Test yourself: How frequently do you feel understood by your partner?

Answers: 1/Rarely… 2/Sometimes… 3/Often.

HOW DO YOU RATE?

If you and your partner scored 3’s across the board, you have the basis for a lasting relationship. Congratulations!

If, however, either you or your partner scored less than 3 in any of the six areas, you may want to improve.

Set aside time to talk through when and why any of those areas deteriorated. Make every effort to have a dialogue instead of a debate… to talk with instead of at or over… to listen openly rather than defensively.

Then decide what each of you specifically needs to do now to restore the chemistry, respect, enjoyment, acceptance, trust and empathy so that you can fall in love again — and stay there.

SOURCE: The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again…and Stay There (Perigee, $15.95)

ALSO “Listen Up!” on November 7 to catch my up close and very personal Canadian Public Radio appearance on Definitely Not the Opera and learn some hostage negotiation tips you can use in your life

AND FINALLY coming soon to a relationship near you, stay tuned for my new company Happier Couples – Love happier ever after with my partner Jeff Ullman, founder of Great Expectations.

Recently when I have been seeing couples, families or individuals in which an Axis I psychiatric illness (major depression, anxiety, bipolar illness, schizophrenia according to the current psychiatric diagnostic nomenclature that usually requires some sort of medication) is clearly not present I have offered them the following choice.

“Either I can diagnose you as having a sickness or illness and direct you towards treatment with psychotherapy (possibly long term) or medication and refer you to someone else who does much more of both currently than I or…

We can view you as being factually wrong, psychologically flawed and emotionally immature and work with you to correct all of these. By this I mean you are first looking at the world through a filter that is just a filter and not necessarily accurate with regard to the facts of a particular situation. Next you are psychologically processing that misperception in a way to cause you to view and treat your interpretation as an absolute immutable fact. Finally when you feel disappointed, hurt or frustrated in conjunction with that belief instead of pausing momentarily to reflect and then consider your options you immediately act on those feelings in ways that nearly always makes matters worse.”

When I offer this “pick one or the other choice” to many clients, they are at first taken aback, and wonder if I am serious. When they see that I am, they pause and seriously consider the implications of either choice and then choose the second.

At that point we work as partners moving towards the common goal of their adjusting their perception to an alternate and more positive interpretation, processing even that positive interpretation as a possibility vs. a hardened fact, and then pausing before they react.

What would you choose?

UPCOMING LIVE WEBCAST with Patricia Wheeler, top executive coach and partner of Marshall Goldsmith at: LEADING NEWS about: “Executive Transitions: What Senior Leaders Need to Know and Do” executive coach Patricia Wheeler interviewed by Larry Levin on November 3, 1 PM EDT/1 AM PDT.

Also incredible book on the practical use of cutting edge neuroscience research: Your Brain at Work by David Rock. “This is the best, the most helpful, and the brainiest book I’ve read on how the brain affects how, why and what we do and act. After reading only the first four chapters, I felt roughly 100% more efficient in organizing my work and personal life.” – Warren Bennis, Distinguished Professor of Business and University Professor, University of Southern California and author of “On Becoming a Leader.

And finally be sure to check out: Business Relationships that Last by Ed Wallace. “In Business Relationships That Last, Ed Wallace captures the immediate need for organizations and individuals to build relationships of integrity and confidence. That trust benefits every aspect of service and will help grow your business and generate superior performance.” —Stephen M. R. Covey, author of the New York Times bestseller The Speed of Trust

You’ll have much more chance for success in your relationships
if you leverage a future that nobody has messed up
than if you bring up an event that has already happened
and stay stuck in rehashing it to the point where everybody is frustrated

Maybe it’s me, but I see and hear more and more people talking at or over each other and less and less just listening to each other. I’ve also noticed that much of these debates — for I wouldn’t call them discussions or dialogues — center on some event that is happening and one person being in the criticising role and the other being in the defensive or hunkered down role. Something that I’ve learned from my good friend Marshall Goldsmith, executive coach and author of the WSJ #1 best selling book, What Got You Here, Won’t Get You There and use extensively is what I call “Leveraging the Future.” It is quite magical to help all relationships. All it requires is the desire to make a situation better, willingness to focus on a solution instead of staying hopelessly stuck in a problem and most importantly, the willingness to proactively take responsibility for your actions. It usually starts with: “Going forward…” Here are some examples:

To improve your chances for success in your job:

Say to your boss: “Going forward, I would like to increase the chances of my getting a promotion or a raise at my next review. To do that what is something I should always do and something I should never do to make that happen?”

To improve your marriage:

Say to your spouse: “Going forward I want to be a better husband/wife. What is something I should always do and something I should never do that would help me to be that to you?”

To improve your relationship with your children:

Say to your child or children: “Going forward I want to be a better mom/dad. What is something I should always do and something I should never do that would help me to be that to you?”

To improve your relationship with your aging parent:

Say to them: “Going forward I want to be a better son/daughter. What is something I should always do and something I should never do that would help me do that?”

In a webcast that Marshall did a while back, he told the story of asking his aging mom the last question. She responded that she thought he was a great son, but that one thing that always lifted her spirits was when she would receive a card in her mailbox (don’t you remember feeling the same if you received a “care” package at overnight camp?). Marshall promptly started doing that regularly. Some time later when she was dying she told him that one of the things that made her later life happy was going down and receiving those cards. The key of course in making all of these work is the desire to make things better (vs. needing to be right) and invest in your relationships by your being the one to go first.

BTW I am a great fan and appreciative friend of Marshall’s who in addition to his many activities has some great Leading News webcasts available. I was fortunate enough to do one recently that you can hear at Leading News. I was interviewed by one of the “best listeners” I have ever met, Patricia Wheeler. Patricia is a top executive coach in her own right and you can hear her live interview at Leading News about: “Executive Transitions: What Senior Leaders Need to Know and Do” by Larry Levin on November 3, 1 PM EDT/1 AM PDT.

Also just out: Your Brain at Work by David Rock. “This is the best, the most helpful, and the brainiest book I’ve read on how the brain affects how, why and what we do and act. After reading only the first four chapters, I felt roughly 100% more efficient in organizing my work and personal life.” – Warren Bennis, Distinguished Professor of Business and University Professor, University of Southern California and author of “On Becoming a Leader.

And finally be sure to check out: Business Relationships that Last by Ed Wallace. “In Business Relationships That Last, Ed Wallace captures the immediate need for organizations and individuals to build relationships of integrity and confidence. That trust benefits every aspect of service and will help grow your business and generate superior performance.” —Stephen M. R. Covey, author of the New York Times bestseller The Speed of Trust

I recently appeared on This Week in Startups hosted by Jason Calacanis and we covered a lot of topics that several viewers wanted to hear more about.  One of those was the difference between an opportunist and a visionary.

An opportunist* by nature sees something that is already out there, and then focuses on a way to ruthlessly beat the competition, create barriers to entry and race ahead.  That head start can give an opportunist a short runway advantage over the competition, but there’s no guarantee that others won’t find a way to catch up and beat them.  Microsoft was opportunistic when it jumped out with Windows to lift sole proprietor status of the user friendly interface from Apple’s first Macintosh.  It did the same again with Microsoft Office which quickly became the 800 pound gorilla, outmaneuvering WordStar and WordPerfect for market share dominance.  But Google beat the crap out of Internet Explorer not to mention Yahoo as far as the search market is concerned.

Opportunists are about extending a grasp in an already competitive environment.  They are about being grabby.

A visionary by nature is about seeing something that doesn’t exist.  It’s not about extending human grasp and outgrabbing the competition; it’s about extending human experience and going beyond the imagination.  Walt Disney was a visionary because he extended the human experience from what his wife referred to as a “dirty” amusement park into not just a “theme park” but “The Happiest Place on Earth.”

“When I started on Disneyland, my wife used to say, ‘But why do you want to build an amusement park? They’re so dirty.’ I told her that was just the point–mine wouldn’t be. Disneyland would be a world of Americans, past and present, seen through the eyes of my imagination–a place of warmth and nostalgia, of illusion and color and delight.” – Walt Disney

From a practical standpoint, one of the other advantages of a vision over an opportunity is that it extends your runway, because you are so far beyond everyone else.  That may explain why Apple so fiercely guards the opening presentations of its visionary products.  When they are finally revealed, it is so clear how they have outdistanced the competition that many would be competitors don’t even bother trying.  Think of how the iphone has done just that to the competition and how unreliable and unsatisfying its competitors’ products have been (such as the Blackberry Storm).

One of the problems with a number of founders and entrepreneurs that I discussed with Jason is that many of them are the first to seize an opportunity (a la Microsoft) and are hailed by the world as visionaries, but then turn out to be “one trick pony” opportunists.

With some deep listening and a little prodding, such founders and entreprenuers have often revealed their paranoid fears to me of being exposed as an opportunist/one trick pony in visionary/successful businessman’s clothing.  The more anxious they become that they can’t repeat that first success, the more often they become hostile, difficult to work with, “terrors” at work and then are barely able to contain their anxiety out in the investment world where they’re trying to court new capital.

What’s fascinating is that once they share this all too common fear, they exhale – physically, psychologically and emotionally.  It is as if a huge monkey is lifted off their backs.  It is also as if their minds were overloaded modems that have been disconnected, powered down, rested, powered up and then rebooted.  Suddenly they have new bandwidth and begin to see other possibilities and they start visualizing.  They also realize that even if they were the original visionary or opportunist or whatever, they don’t have to be the sole visionary anymore.

Jason Calacanis spoke about this in our interview when he explained how visions can be culled from all kinds of places by just listening and observing and having your people listen and observe what’s out there in the market place and what’s really on your customers and clients’ minds and in their hearts, their deepest fears, their greatest dreams and beyond their imagination.

* I have been appropriately called to task by my good friend, astute coach and NPR host, Marty Nemko, for bad mouthing the many entrepreneurs who have made this country great as “grabby” and opportunistic. I love entrepreneurs.  My fellow psychiatrists see me as an entrepreneur. I don’t have an issue with the true entrepreneurs who see themselves as entrepreneurs.  The people I have issue with are those entrepreneurs who are seen as visionaries when they really aren’t, and like that moniker.  It’s as if they are much smarter than they are bright and want the world to think of them as brighter than they really are.  (And many of them think of themselves as smart, when in reality they were luckier than smart) Then they begin to act badly out of the fear of being exposed as merely smart rather than bright.

Books, Upcoming events and other resources of note:

A just posted video for you to consider and discuss with your teams on: “Two Question to Delegate Better and Hold People Accountable.”

Just out: Your Brain at Work by David Rock. “This is the best, the most helpful, and the brainiest book I’ve read on how the brain affects how, why and what we do and act. After reading only the first four chapters, I felt roughly 100% more efficient in organizing my work and personal life.” – Warren Bennis, Distinguished Professor of Business and University Professor, University of Southern California and author of “On Becoming a Leader.

And be sure to check out: Business Relationships that Last by Ed Wallace. “In Business Relationships That Last, Ed Wallace captures the immediate need for organizations and individuals to build relationships of integrity and confidence. That trust benefits every aspect of service and will help grow your business and generate superior performance.” —Stephen M. R. Covey, author of the New York Times bestseller The Speed of Trust

November 3rd , 2009 at 1:00pm EST / 10:00am PST: Leading News free webcast: “Executive Transitions: What Senior Leaders Need to Know and Do” featuring Executive Coach Patricia Wheeler, moderated by Larry Levin.  Patricia is one of the clearest communicators I have ever met.

That said, I can’t resist trying some “soft” shrink stuff on you and invite you to respond or react to the following in any way you choose after you try it.

I’d like you to ask those closest to you how much they feel you care about their feelings and how much they feel deeply listened to by you. If they say, “You’re one of the most caring people and one of the best listeners we know,” then please accept my apology for presuming that you may not be.

If however they say they don’t feel cared about or listened to, ask them how much that hurts them and negatively affects them. If they say, “A lot,” you might want to fix that.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Nearly everyone who is connected to the Internet is connaected through a modem and everyone who uses a modem has had on multiple occasions had to unplug it, power down, unbundle it, rest it, power up, reconnect and then reboot it. That occurs when the modem is filled beyond its capacity to receive and transfer information between your computer and the Internet.

And when your modem is overloaded, there is no other alternative than to follow the steps above. Well what if as people you function as modems that are constantly trying to receive and transfer information between your customers and clients and your company? your board of directors and your employees? your shareholders and your executive team? your department and other departments? your spouse and your children? your aging parent and their health care providers? yadda, yadda, yadda and yadda (I told you that you were overloaded)?

Like modems I think we all need to unplug, power down, etc. and that is what we do when we take a break, do yoga, exercise, go on vacation and “eat, drink and attempt to be merry.”

Here’s the rub. We are in actuality NOT modems. A modem can unplug, power down and reboot without any build up or accumulation of old data when it restarts. We on the other hand are overloaded by a lot of “peoplestuff” (and that’s a euphemism). So even when we take a break, it is there waiting for us at work or at home and often with the additional emotional charge of our having taken the break.

After listening and caring about the needs of the world around us, a break certainly gives us a break, but what works even better is to have the world reciprocate by listening and caring about us in return. I have referred to that in my book, “Just Listen” as having our “Mirror Neuron Receptor Deficit” corrected.

Mirror neurons are special nerve cells in our cerebral cortex that fire when we watch another person do something, imagine ourselves doing the same thing or when we actually do the same thing. They are what are behind the phenomenon of yawning when others yawn. They are also thought to be behind imitation, learning and empathy…and when defective associated or possibly causative of autism and autism spectrum disorders such as Asperger’s Syndrome.

My observation which is borne out by my clinical practice is that each time we do conform psychologically and emotionally and behaviorally to the needs of the outside world, a reciprocal hunger to have it be returned is created. That is what I have designated as a “Mirror Neuron Receptor Deficit,” i.e. our ache to be mirrored. That also explains why we often tear up when someone is spontaneously kind to us or when we see those tear jerker scenes in movies when two people who are at odds are finally in sync with each other. Crying at those moments – what I call “tears of endearment” -is the result of that deficit, ache and hunger suddenly being eliminated.

If you really want to correct a mirror neuron receptor deficit in others, earn their gratitude and reciprocal generosity in addition to suggesting they take a break, in addition to giving them a solution, in addition to even understanding them try listening to them in a way in which they “feel felt.” When that happens they will exhale, relax, open their minds and hearts to you and be grateful in return.

And as MasterCard would say, that experience is “priceless.”

****
Dear blog readers, Please accept my deep and sincere thank you. Your support has been instrumental to my book, “Just Listen,” reaching #1 in four categories at amazon and it being reviewed the current TIME magazine.

Catch an upcoming free webcast on: “The Simple Way to Get Through to Difficult People” at Career Coaches: Special Interest Group on Wednesday, October 14 from 12-1 PM EDT.

Both narcissists and people with Asperger like features are goal minded to a fault, and both can view other people more as functions or vehicles to achieve that goal instead of as people with feelings.  However a critical difference between the two is that a narcissist doesn’t care if they hurt you or your feelings (and the truly malignant ones may even take delight in doing so), whereas someone with Asperger’s like features would prefer not to.

My advice to people who live with malignant narcissists is to get out and to those who live with narcissists to demand they get help or else you are going to painfully lonely and making excuses for them to friends, family and you children forever.

However if you live with someone with Asperger like features it’s a little more complicated.  For instance even though you may feel how they treat you is meant personally, if what they do is not meant personally, it’s not right for you to take it personally.  That means it is neither fair nor reasonable to treat someone who is just not sensitive (i.e. they are not doing it intentionally) as if they were someone who is insensitive (i.e. they are intentionally not sensitive).  Instead of reacting and talking at them, be calm and talk to or with them and focus on their specific observable behavior(s) and the effect it has on you and what it causes you to do in response, which you don’t want to do.  Furthermore, give them a specific alternative observable behavior to do instead, because in these areas that they are weak, they may not be teachable, but they are often trainable if you speak to them in a respectful way.

If you are the person with Asperger like features you may be dumbfounded since your intention is never to hurt the people you care about, or for that matter to hurt anyone.  Rather your intention is just to move projects forward towards the goal you have in mind.

I remember the time an entrepreneur with Asperger like feature brought in his 14 year old daughter at the insistence of his wife, who told him in no uncertain terms, “You need to go see Dr. Goulston, because your daughter can’t stand you.”

When they came in, she clearly didn’t want to be there and pulled into a corner of my L-shaped couch and he said in a mechanical way how much he loved his daughter and would never want to upset her.  It was clear by her body language that his analytical way of speaking only reinforced her feelings of anger towards him.

Now since I am a bit on the intuitive side, I imagined the following scenario happening at home (none of which she had told me) and said to her: “What’s it like when he drives you crazy and you scream at him from your room, ‘Get out! Leave me the f— alone!’  And then when he does, you lie down on your bed and ‘flip him off’ aiming your finger at the door you just slammed on him?’”

Apparently my intuition hit a bullseye and she promptly pulled into a fetal position and started sobbing and rocking herself in complete pain.  At that point her father looked at her (while she writhed in pain), was bewildered, then looked at me and started to cry.  I don’t think he knew what crying was, because he touch his tears and looked at them on his fingers as if they were blood.  He then looked at me, trying very hard to comprehend and said: “My little girl is in awful pain and I think I somehow caused it.  But I love her and that’s the last thing I would ever want to do.”

That breakthrough was the beginning of not only a different relationship with her daughter, but a different relatedness.

The sad fact of this story is that I don’t think the pain that his daughter was feeling and his confusion about how he was causing it is terribly unique.

***

Dear blog readers, Please accept my deep and sincere thank you.  Your support has been instrumental to my book reaching #1 in four categories at amazon and it being reviewed the current TIME magazine.

Catch an upcoming free webcast on: “The Simple Way to Get Through to Difficult People” at Career Coaches: Special Interest Group on Wednesday, October 14 from 12-1 PM EDT.