My dog is almost 17 years old, half-blind, can’t jump on the bed because of joint issues, and sleeps 26 out of 24 hours of the day, and yet he’d still find a way to viciously murder me in my sleep if I put him in this catsuit by another name. With that being said, he’d still work it – OMG Blog

Jesse Williams took a break from tusslin’ with his ex-wife over money to hit Florence, Italy with his current girlfriend Taylour Paige and a stunning gold necklace that was honestly worn better by the nana of my childhood friend Michelle – Lainey Gossip

Let your ears jizz to the sound of Freddie Mercury’s powerful crooning as he sings a previously unheard stripped-down version of Time Waits For No One. And let your eyes jizz while watching him powerfully croon while dressed like a hot Mormon on Casual Friday – Pajiba

Adam Devine’s dick goes “clack clack” which means that I’m pretty sure his dick is a duck – Towleroad

The photographer is brave, because one false move by Farrah Abraham, and the pointy part of that elegant bikini top will stab in her the titty, sending a tsunami of silicone at them – Drunken Stepfather

Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan have officially split from their charity foundation with Prince William and Duchess Kate. And hopefully that’s the end of news about these four dramatically splitting… until some tabloid hears a rumor that they went out to dinner and “split” the check – HuffPo

I thought that Salma Hayek was about to eat a Pac-Man ghost until I realized it was just a fancy person lemon – Popoholic

Like many thirsty hos are out there, Marvel has been wanting to get into the Keanu Reeves business for years – Celebitchy

Jesse Tyler Ferguson better practice his “Move that bus!” because he’s going to be the new host of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition – Just Jared

An L.A. weatherman busted out a clit slip on TV and didn’t even know it – SOW

Pic: Shed Defender

I guess Carnival Cruise Line is helping James Cameron reverse engineer the sequel to Titanic by launching their biggest ship yet and weighing it down with Guy Fieri hamburgers and a motorcycle-themed roller coaster. According to People, Carnival’s latest sea coffin, dubbed the Mardi Gras, is still under construction in Finland, but it’s maiden voyage is scheduled for October of 2020. Cruisers will be able to enjoy the world’s first, and I predict last, roller coaster at sea. Because why not trust the same people who can’t manage to keep a buffet free of fecal matter with building an onboard iceberg called “BOLT: Ultimate Sea Coaster”. What could possibly go wrong?

People reports:

The new Mardi Gras is the largest Carnival Cruise Line ship ever built, weighing in at a whopping 18,000 tons.

BOLT: Ultimate Sea Coaster will feature 800 feet of track reaching speeds of nearly 40 mph. The coaster will stretch around Carnival’s iconic red funnel, offering riders 360-degree views of the water 187 feet above sea level.

You just know some drunk assholes are going to stand up in the lead car and try to do the Jack and Rose prow pose while suspended midair. This is out of control. What ever happened to good old fashioned sitting by the pool being served fruity cocktails and getting a sunburn after an unscheduled day-drinking nap? How is a person supposed to relax with a Jackie Collins book over the constant din of people screaming as they’re flung into the ocean at 40 mph?

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If you like mai tais, street style snacking, and pool-side relaxing, we'll probably find you somewhere on the Lido Deck or Summer Landing area of the new Mardi Gras. #ChooseFun #Carnival #CarnivalMardiGras

A post shared by Carnival Cruise Line (@carnival) on Jun 19, 2019 at 6:55am PDT

The only cruise I have ever had any desire to board was The Love Boat and that was mainly because of Charo. The Mardi Gras will also feature a show called  Family Feud Live! and “themed zones” called Lido, Summer Landing, Grand Central, French Quarter, La Piazza and the sinister sounding Ultimate Playground, which I pray is for children. Also on offer, “dive-in” movies, “plus a hang-out space with cornhole, trivia, arts and crafts, dance classes and more”. Julie McCoy is shook!

Where will the Mardi Gras be traveling to? Who cares. If you manage to survive the onboard entertainment, you’re going to be in no shape whatsoever for “traveling”.

Pic: Carnival via People

Hailey Baldwin has a very important job this week, and that’s to watch Million Dollar Baby, Rocky, and any number of other underdog fight movies, and learn how to say the words, “Don’t do it, you’ll never win!” while pounding her fists into his chest. Because it sounds like Justin Bieber really wants to fight Tom Cruise.

Two weeks ago, Justin challenged Tom Cruise to a UFC fight on Twitter, which sounded like a joke. Justin later confirmed all our suspicions by claiming it was just a joke, and he had no intention of throwing fists at a man who was starring in Interview With the Vampire when he was still in Huggies. According to TMZ, the first lie was the truth, and Justin’s truth was actually a lie. Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise in the Octagon. A secret phone call took place last Friday involving Justin’s manager Scooter Braun, co-CEO of William Morris Endeavor Ari Emanuel, and President of UFC Dana White.

Ari allegedly claimed it would be an “epic fight” that needed to happen, with Dana claiming he would be 100% on board. Dana had previously told TMZ that it would be the “easiest fight to promote” in his entire career, and that he’d be an idiot not to make the fight happen. Scooter Braun reportedly assured both Ari and Dana that Justin would absolutely fight Tom Cruise if such a fight were organized.

The only piece missing is Tom Cruise himself. Tom is no stranger to shameless publicity stunts, but even he seems like he’s got more sense than to board this potential train wreck. And yet, according to TMZ, Ari allegedly claimed in the phone meeting that he believes Tom would agree to fight Justin Bieber. Apparently the apocalypse won’t be ushered in by four horses, but by two desperate dummies smacking the shit out of each other on pay-per-view.

What Justin hasn’t taken into consideration is that Tom Cruise is a very busy man and he takes his roles very seriously. Justin needs to prove he’s not going to waste Tom’s time with this fight. Tom will probably spend at least an hour beforehand psyching himself up by looking in the mirror and threatening, “Mission impossible? No, mission very possible, you little bitch.” And it would suck if after all that, a bratty Justin Bieber ducks on the first swing, and fakes a cramp that he blames on eating too many Go-Gurts at lunch.

Pic: Wenn.com

Maybe 2019 will finally be Princess Beatrice’s year. People reports that Michael K’s 5th favorite royal (after Prince Hot Ginge, THE QUEEN, Susan the Corgi and The Original Fergie) is “completely head over heels in love” for the first time since breaking up with her previous boyfriend of 10 years in 2016. Bea’s new beau is “34-year-old multi-millionaire property tycoon” Eduardo Mapeli Mozzi. People says Edo (as he’s known) and Bea have known each other for years but that the “relationship didn’t turn romantic until recently”. However, this wouldn’t be a story about Princess Bea if there wasn’t a whiff of scandal in the air.

The Daily Mail suggests that Bea and Edo’s romance may have overlapped with the relationship Edo had with his fiancé of three years and mother of his 3-year-old son. I fully expect Bea to start a campaign to collect the world’s trombones and smelt them down into a fiery miasma because Womp, Womp, Womp, Wahhh.

According to People:

Edoardo is a friend of Beatrice’s family, a source previously told PEOPLE, and they have known each other for years — however, the relationship didn’t turn romantic until recently.

The pair made their first public appearance in March, hitting the red carpet together for an elegant gala event at the National Portrait Gallery. Since then, they’ve been spotted everywhere from New York City to Bahrain.

While People, who also posted a story about how Bea and Princess Eugenie have found stability unlike Harry and William, says they didn’t become romantic until “recently”, DM says they started macking at the October wedding of Bea’s sister Eugenie, and that Edo was still living with his fiancé Dara Huang at the time.

We can also disclose for the first time that multi-millionaire Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi had been engaged for three-and-a-half years to his Chinese-American fiancee, and the couple continued to live together for weeks after he began a relationship with the Queen’s granddaughter at the October 12 nuptials.

Additionally, Dara’s dad Po Tien spoke to Radar, the official mouthpiece for disgruntled parents.

Ex-NASA scientist Po Tien, 80, told Radar about the gift revelation and his daughter’s man now dating Beatrice, “It sounds like they already knew Edo has a beautiful family. Why would they want to go and break this up? I can’t understand it. It’s not fair but the royal family is so powerful. What can I do? I can’t do anything.”

Po Tien has claimed his daughter Huang, a Harvard-educated architect, found out about Edo’s relationship with Beatrice through the press – and was devastated.

According to Huang’s angry father, “Dara came back here from London for Thanksgiving with [baby] Wolfie. She didn’t know anything about [Beatrice seeing Edo] and the next day her friend emailed the newspaper report to her. She was very upset. She showed me and her mom and then we knew what was going on.”

Apparently, things moved fast enough between Edo and Bea for them to vacation together in January. I guess you could consider January “recent”.

Princess Beatrice and her boyfriend, Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi, spent the New Year at Lamu, a quiet island near Kenya, where the Edo family owns a coastal property. pic.twitter.com/j3fKbo0nZH

— Royal Ladies (@vaninaswchindt) January 8, 2019

People notes that Bea and Edo have known each other since at least 2011 because Bea’s royal posse all attended Edo’s stepfather, Christopher Shale‘s, funeral. UnFun fact: He died on a Port-A-Potty at the Glastonbury music festival.

At any rate, Bea’s in, Dara’s out, and People Magazine has been altered to Bea’s “head over heels” status. There’s no turning back now. Even though I think he has creepy serial killer eyes, it’s full steam ahead for BeaDo! Unless…

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At the Scottish National Storytelling Centre in Edinburgh, Princess Beatrice joined a storytelling session with Ed Vere, the 2019 winner of the @oscarsbookprize. Her Royal Highness is Patron of the Prize and attended the Award Ceremony in May. ⁣ ⁣ The Storytelling Centre is dedicated to preserving and recounting Scotland’s stories so that they can be enjoyed by future generations. Established in 2006, the centre forms a bustling arts venue that celebrates the nation’s cultural heritage.⁣ ⁣ Take a look at our Instagram story to find out more about HRH’s day in Edinburgh.⁣ ⁣

A post shared by The Duke of York (@hrhthedukeofyork) on Jun 18, 2019 at 6:32am PDT

Do it Bea! Follow your heart right into bed with the hunky Scottish children’s book author instead. It’s not too late!

Pic: Wenn.com

It was announced last month that a Taco Bell-themed resort was going to be a real thing. Well, Taco Bell is actually going through with it. And if you want to contribute to the shut down of the Palm Springs sewer system this summer, I’ll tell you how you can make that happen.

BuzzFeed says that starting next Thursday, June 27 at 1:00 PM Eastern Standard Time (gotta be specific, I know you’re all hyped), you’ll be able to go to the resort’s website to book one of the “exclusive, taco-themed rooms” with prices starting at $169 per night.

And here’s a shot at the pool, which should stay empty if every guest is going to abide by the “don’t go in if you’ve recently had diarrhea” rule:

It's almost time to book your reservation…

Reservations for #TheBell open June 27 at 10 AM PT and you're not gonna want to miss this.

— Taco Bell (@tacobell) June 20, 2019

The Taco Bell resort is considered a pop-up (more like poop-up) and will take over the current V Resort in Palm Springs from August 8th to August 12th.

Entertainment includes but is not limited to: a “Freeze Lounge,” dive-in movie, live performances, a salon offering “taco-inspired nail art”, and surely much, much more. And, duh you can get all the Taco Bell foods. So you can enjoy a movie, lounging on a hot-sauce pack-shaped floatie until one of the children in the pool shits themselves from the Cheesy Gordita Crunch they shovelled excitedly down their throat forty minutes earlier and the pool has to be cleared out for cleaning.

It will remain to be seen how many Americans go to the Taco Bell resort. Or even more insane, how many people from other countries go. Who would fly into the States to go to the Taco Bell Resort? Mess. Meanwhile, be on the lookout for the follow up to this BuzzFeed article: “How To Treat A Blown Out Rectum After Intense Diarrhea At A Taco Bell Resort.”

Pic: Taco Bell

Britney Spears’ Instagram account is the gift that keeps on giving, if you’re the type of person who loves first-person confessionals about highlights (as seen above), closet tours, and copious amounts of rock-hard abs in rolled-down shorts. But to some, it’s a thinly-veiled cry for help from a pop star held hostage. And fans have accused Britney’s team of editing the comments of her Instagram posts to make it look like everything is terrible.

The Blast says that earlier this week, a fan page called AbsoluteBritney accused Britney’s team of deleting positive Instagram comments on each of her posts, and keeping the negative ones. They believe Britney’s team are wiping away the positive ones so that people will scroll through the comments and see nothing but people asking if she’s okay, or if she needs help, or what’s wrong. They call the alleged comment moderation a “human rights violation.”

 

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So Britney’s team is deleting positive comments on her Instagram post and leaving negative ones to keep up the illusion that she needs help! They were all so quick to remove all comments before but now all the sudden they are leaving all negative ones but removing positive ones! How much longer is this going to be?!? This has to be human rights violation!!!! #FreeBritney #britneyspears

A post shared by AbsoluteBritney (@absolutebritneycom) on Jun 14, 2019 at 2:10pm PDT

Several of AbsoluteBritney’s followers commented that they couldn’t find positive comments that they had left, and that a quick peek at Britney’s most recent posts show numerous people questioning her current mental state. That’s not entirely true, considering if you look at the workout video Britney posted two days ago, there are multiple comments congratulating her on her hot body along side the ones that read, “No shade but I’m worried.”

Britney’s mom Lynne Spears also got involved. She commented on AbsoluteBritney’s post regarding the alleged comment cleaning, saying:

“I can’t believe u just posted this because I had a friend tell me the same thing! I posted something and tried to go back and find it and none of it is in order and I couldn’t find mine, which I JUST POSTED??? I know you are a true fan and love her so thank you for pointing this out because I have had others say the same.”

A rep for Britney spoke to Entertainment Tonight, and they deny any online shadiness is going on.

“We unequivocally deny the absurd allegations that we have promoted negative statements or deleted positive posts from Instagram and are considering appropriate action.”

Appropriate action? What does that even mean. Maybe they’re thinking of getting lawyers involved. Or maybe they plan on fighting all the absurd rumors of Instagram hijacking by turning off the comments while making her take a picture a day holding a recent newspaper. Err, if they’re trying to fight the idea that this is a weird social media hostage situation, they might not want to do that.

Pic: Instagram

Now, I try to avoid sporting events starring children at all costs, because it brings together three things I don’t want to be around: sports, competing children, and batshit insane overbearing parents. But this story has made me change my mind, because I didn’t know until this video came along that my new favorite pastime is watching moronic parents teach their children that the way to handle something that doesn’t go their way is to throw punches. And this children’s baseball brawl featured a pregnant woman wielding a baseball bat. Welcome to Lakewood Youth Baseball League’s half-time show: Jerry Springer Live! 

I learned firsthand that some parents of sports kids are a wreck when I went to the kiddie hockey game of a family member’s kid, and sat there, minding my own business, sipping from a pink Vitaminwater bottle filled with ro-zay. As I did that, alpha hockey mom Vicky (I’m sure her name was Vicky) stomped up to me in her pink UGGs and said in a sarcastically fake sweet tone, “That’s my usual seat, but it’s okay,” before stomping away. Vicky was right, because I then realized that I was sitting in a Game of Thrones-style throne made of hockey sticks with the words Queen Vicky spelled out in hockey pucks above me. Queen Vicky later got into a screaming match with parents from the other side over a call. But Queen Vicky is going to need to get wilder if she wants to compete in the big leagues of messy sports parents, because there’s lunatic parents who will risk spending their weekend in a jail cell over a call made by a 13-year-old at a kiddie baseball game.

CNN reports that on Saturday, a youth baseball game (Little League wants you to know that they had nothing to do with this shit) in Lakewood, CO turned into the saddest MMA team fight ever when a fight broke out after parents and coaches argued with the 13-year-old umpire about how many players were allowed on each team. That led to an all-out brawl on the field at Westgate Elementary School.

As they shook their head at the tragic ridiculousness of it all, the Lakewood Police Department posted a clip of the fight on their Facebook page. It’s best to watch it while listening to Hero by Mariah Carey since these parents are obviously perfect heroes and role models to their children.

Shout out to blondie in the tube top delivering a devastating flying punch onto a dude.

And because this mess wasn’t already a big enough Jerry Springer episode, it really became a Jerry Springer episode when one woman, who either has a stage 4 CASE OF THE BABIES or did what I would do at a children’s baseball game and swallowed an entire keg of beer to get through it, grabbed a bat and waved it around while shouting, “I don’t give a fuck!” before a guy grabbed it, which ended with him getting jumped. via TMZ

Not seen in that video: that lady’s unborn baby saying, “Well, I do give a fuck,” while frantically trying to tap out of that fight.

Police showed up and citations for disorderly conducted were made. Some parents could face child abuse charges for putting their kids in danger, and one man could get hit with assault charges for seriously punching another man. A rep for the Lakewood Police Department said this about the biggest disgusting mess to hit Lakewood since the one I made in the bathroom at Casa Bonita after eating there.

“We were disgusted, quite frankly. Baseball and 7-year-old kids, it’s the parents that need to grow up here. That’s the saddest part. These are parents and coaches, people they’re supposed to look up to. People that are supposed to be mentors, and this type of thing happens.”

If only these parents and coaches cared as much about being a good example to their children as they do about a call made by a 13-year-old at a children’s baseball game. Priorities: they got theirs in order!

But imagine giving that much of a fuck about a kids’ baseball game that you’re willing to end up in handcuffs over it? Weirdos. If I was a parent there, I wouldn’t even notice the call made by the teenage umpire, because I’d be too busy going through my Instagram while listening to a Jackie Collins book on Audible as I waited for the Postmates delivery person to bring the tiny cans of wine and Popeye’s chicken I ordered.

Pic: Facebook

Pride parades and events are meant to commemorate the gay struggle, our ongoing fight for rights, and show how we no longer (ish) need to hide ourselves for just being who we are. But it’s kind of turned into something more money-grubbing and capitalist. As most things end up. Well, Lady Bunny wants us to know that it’s starting to get a bit too much and she’s calling us gays out for giving in to the pandering. Taylor Swift just crossed Lady Bunny’s name off the list of gay special guests to bring out on her next tour.

Page Six says Lady Bunny is dragging us gays this Pride season. While Pride is supposed to be about changing social consciousness and moving human rights forward, there’s a lot of “Human rights! Sponsored by SPRINT” going on:

“A lot of the floats now are Sprint and Red Bull, or corporations with straight bodybuilders playing music that they think gay people will like. It seems more of a marketing thing than a march. They televise the parade and the broadcast mainly includes the big corporate floats [not] civic-minded groups.”

Listen, Bunny, leave the bodybuilders alone. I don’t care if they’re straight, but last year, the guys who were hired by this Canadian bank to walk around the Toronto Pride parade shirtless and get people to sign up for accounts were not as buff as the prior year and I don’t need you contributing to that.

She continued by saying that maybe our dire political situation might make the gays wake up to the struggle (good luck with that one):

“There has always been a dialogue of: Is this parade a march for our rights, or is it a parade with balloons and confetti? Some feel it’s gone too far in the direction of confetti. Maybe because of political developments, they feel it’s time to renew our commitment to the struggle.”

Lady Bunny is going to walk in the Reclaim Pride Coalition March, which will have “no corporate floats.”

Even though Lady Bunny is dragging us gays for all the corporate shills we allow, she’s also not going to let her social consciousness get in the way of securing her bag, honey. She admits that she will ride on a sponsored float at Pride and will also DJ at a RuPaul’s Drag Race party.

“I’m doing everything I possibly can.”

Listen, don’t let your social justice make you go broke, Bunny. Do your hypocritical thang, mama.

But let’s be real: this Pride shit has been corporate. I noticed the other day that Xbox had a rainbow twitter icon. How mad did the gamer boys get over that? You know how many times I’ve heard someone call someone a “fag” online Xbox to no repercussion? But it’s June and that means Pride because gays have tons of disposable income and we love video games. It’s called capitalism. And isn’t the TRUE mark of acceptance being exploited for capitalist gain?

Pic: Wenn.com

This week started out with Jennifer Lopez saying that her first two marriages didn’t really count. Now the Today show is following suit and saying that flashing sex toy giver and over-all giver of the creeps, Matt Lauer, is being erased from their history (which is hard to do because he was basically the face of the show for 20 years). Today celebrated the 25th anniversary of their move to their current studio (they will really celebrate anything) this morning, and they mentioned nearly every past member of Today, except for Matt Lauer.

According to UPROXX:

Matt Lauer took over as a TODAY co-anchor in January 1997 following Bryant Gumbel’s departure. That’s a few short years after Katie Couric and Gumbel hosted the first-ever episode from the morning institution’s move to Studio 1A in Rockefeller Center, so it’s not up for debate that Lauer — who was fired by NBCn November 2017 for inappropriate sexual workplace behavior — was an integral part of TODAY‘s public image at the current location for two decades. However, no one would be able to guess that fact from the looks of a new 25-year montage released by NBC on Thursday morning.

Look normally I’m a fan of selective memory. Like when you hook up with some douche after a night of too many white wine spritzers, you are allowed to quickly file that under: doesn’t count.  If I did montage of my life. there would be endless bad decisions cut from that montage. The difference is, millions of people saw NBC’s decision to keep Matt Lauer on air for 20 years. This wasn’t some one night stand, NBC!! We saw this messiness for years and it’s pretty weird to just pretend it didn’t happen.

Well, Matt Lauer does not qualify as a “special moment” to be highlighted in this video (or at least, no one can spot him), whereas Couric, Gumbel, Al Roker, Savannah Guthrie, Hoda Kotb, Lester Holt, Carson Daly, and more did make the cut. That’s pretty awkward. On one hand, NBC seems to be pretending that Lauer doesn’t even exist, and one can easily understand why they’d want to imagine that’s the case, but that’s not reality. Then again, NBC’s handling of the Lauer mess didn’t arrive without criticism.

I am partly thankful that Today tried to protect us from overdosing on Matt Lauer’s smugness by not including him in montages, but if only they erased Matt Lauer from Today when they got the first few complaints about him. Let’s hope for their sake that he’s still not sending unsolicited notes to Today, because he’s probably got some not so great notes on this one since it’s not like he’s got anything else to do.

Here’s a clip of Today with its Matt Lauer annulment in full effect:

When TODAY first moved to Studio 1A in 1994, it became a place where the team could try new things and connect with viewers.

Take a look back on some of those special moments over the past 25 years. pic.twitter.com/km1cbuMeAB

— TODAY (@TODAYshow) June 20, 2019

Pic: Wenn.com