DERF Magazine: Latest News

Swine Flu mutates with Bird Flu to create Flying Pig Flu.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:42:26 -0500

Bengal fans hoping more Bengals players will buy them tickets

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI - After getting off to a 5-2 start, many Bengals fans are now enthused enough about the team to consider going to Paul Brown stadium to watch the game. They are now waiting for Bengal players to buy the tickets and distribute them to their adoring public.

Chad Ochocinco bought the…

Chad Ochocinco hoped to read own book during bye week

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI - Among his many plans for relaxation during the Bengals bye week, wide receiver Chad Ochocinco had planned to sit down and read his own book. His autobiography, Ocho Cinco: What Football and Life Have Thrown My Way was published well over a month ago, and Chad had really hoped…

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 01:00:00 -0400

WEST CHESTER, OH - Seeking a name that better represented what their customers are looking for, the owners of the Halloween Towne Costume Store have changed the name to Ye Olde Slut Shoppe.

Ye Olde Slut Shoppe proprietor Janette Stallworth is pleased with the change. “Business has really…

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:00:00 -0400

NEW YORK - In an effort to keep distractions to a minimum, Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia has vowed not to check his hotmail account through the rest of the post season. CC finds that being constantly copied on everyone’s emails leads to a frustrating flood of mail in his inbox.

“You think…

Chicago Bears consider shutting down franchise after humiliating loss

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:00:00 -0400

CHIGAGO - After suffering a humiliating 45-10 loss to the Cincinnati Bengals, officials within the storied Bears franchise are considering closing up shop after an almost 80 year presence in the NFL. Members of the Bears front office would only say, “Obviously, there isn’t much reason to…

Car accidents leading cause of misspelled tweets.

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:06:49 -0400

Balloon boy guilty of elaborate huffing scheme

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:04:49 -0400

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI - A shocking scene occurred on the News 5 set when Jack Atherton’s hair became agitated, leaping from the anchor’s head and attacking the hair of sportscaster Ken Broo.

Signs of trouble began early in the newscast when Jack Atherton’s hair seemed to be shifting uncomfortably back…

Oscar Meyer awarded Nobel Prize for meat extrusion

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 01:00:00 -0400

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN - Oscar Meyer has been rewarded for their many decades of hard work in the field of meat science with the industry’s highest honor: a Nobel Prize for meat extrusion. They were awarded the honor despite stiff competition from others in the meat extrusion sciences, including…

Balloon Boy trapped in backyard mine shaft this week

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 01:00:00 -0400

COLORADO – Authorities have responded to another 911 call this week from the Heene family in Fort Collins, Colorado. The family reported 6-year-old Falcon Heene has fallen into a 1,000 foot deep mine shaft on the family property.

The mine shaft was built by Richard Heene, Falcon’s…

Obama to use Nobel Peace Prize money to fund Afghanistan troop increases

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 01:00:00 -0400

WASHINGTON, DC - Upon learning that his Nobel Peace Prize includes a cash award of 1.4 million dollars, President Obama has pledged to use the money to help fund the war in Afghanistan. The money will be put to use after Obama receives it from the Nobel committee.

The President considered…

Tony Romo trades self for Carson Palmer in fantasy football

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 01:00:00 -0400

DALLAS - After escaping with an overtime win over the Kansas City Chiefs, Dallas quarterback Tony Romo was so disappointed in his performance that he immediately sought out to trade himself from his fantasy football team. After brief negotiations, he struck a deal to trade himself heads up…

Avian flu transmitted via Twitter

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 01:00:00 -0400

ATLANTA, GA - The Center for Disease Control has determined that the popular internet social media phenomenon Twitter is responsible for the spread of avian flu. CDC officials announced their finding via their Facebook page, to avoid further contamination.

Officials became suspicious after…

Conan, Jay, Oprah, Ellen seek sex scandals to boost ratings

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 01:00:00 -0400

NEW YORK - After seeing the ratings increase that occurred after David Letterman admitted to having an affair with a staff member, several national talk show hosts have sought out sex scandals of their own.

Staff members for Oprah Winfrey confirm that she has approached longtime companion…

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 10:13:11 -0400

Steelers fans gracious in defeat

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 10:11:12 -0400

Tim Tebow scolds concussion into turning life around and doing more volunteer work

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 01:00:00 -0400

GAINESVILLE, FL - A potentially tragic event has turned into an inspirational story of redemption, as Tim Tebow’s concussion has begged the Florida quarterback’s forgiveness and now pledges to work as a volunteer.

After receiving a brutal hit as his Florida Gators took on the Kentucky…

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI - After watching the Bengals beat their team, thousands of Pittsburgh Steeler fans left Paul Brown Stadium and discarded their Terrible Towels in frustration and embarrassment. Many of these towels ended up in the Ohio River, and surprisingly resulted in a significant…

Remote control for Fountain Square TV lost

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 07:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI - For the past several days, visitors to Fountain Square have been unable to change the channel on the jumbotron TV because the remote control is missing. The city is considering declaring a state of emergency until the issue is resolved.

The remote was last seen on Sunday, when…

Bengals plans to lose in final minutes thwarted

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 01:00:00 -0400

GREEN BAY, WI - After the Green Bay Packers recovered an onside kick late in the fourth quarter of last Sunday’s game, it appeared that the Bengals were on their way to a second straight heartbreaking, last minute loss. However, the Bengals’ plans to lose the game in the final seconds did…

Kanye West interrupts 5th grade soccer awards banquet

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 13:41:57 -0400

Ocho Cinco checks into Twitter rehab

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 13:41:36 -0400

Obama holds jackass summit with Kanye West and Serena Williams

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 01:00:00 -0400

WASHINGTON, DC - President Obama requested the presence of Kanye West and Serena Williams in the first ever White House Jackass Summit. Both stars showed up for the event after their embarrassing outbursts led to invitations.

At first, Kanye West claimed to have a previous commitment, where…

Bengals to patent new techniques for losing

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI - After a stunning loss to the Denver Broncos, members of the Cincinnati Bengals organization have decided to pursue patents on many new unique ideas for losing football games. The loss to the Broncos occurred after a tipped pass, and inspired the team to contact attorneys…

Starbucks employee never makes new pot of coffee in break room

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI - Starbucks employee Jason Spelling is becoming notorious among his coworkers for his habit of not making fresh coffee in the employee break room. Despite numerous notes and requests, Jason has continued this rude behavior.

The notes began as friendly general reminders that all…

Suspicious typo occurs during WEBN Fireworks

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI – Local residents witnessed a surprising typo during this year’s annual WEBN Labor Day Fireworks. WEBN officials say a pyrotechnic version of the word ‘DERF’ appeared during the fireworks display instead of the intended traditional word, ‘WEBN’. Authorities say the typo appears…

Non-alcoholic binge drinking on upswing at Christian universities

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 09:57:40 -0400

Surgical robot resents doctor assisted surgery

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 16:03:35 -0400

Govt probe of ongoing things continues

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 15:58:39 -0400