DERF Magazine: Latest News

Boone Country Farmer's Market overrun by actual farmers

Thu, 23 May 2013 10:19:54 -0400

Judge denies Chad Johnson request to perform dance before placing bail

Thu, 23 May 2013 10:16:20 -0400

Members of One Direction admit they were the ones booing Justin Beiber

Wed, 22 May 2013 01:00:00 -0400

LAS VEGAS, NV - Justin Bieber was greeted by boos from the assembled audience at the Billboard Music Awards after saying that he was an artist and deserved to be taken seriously. Members of the boy band One Direction now admit that they were leading the chorus of jeers.

“We are so sick of…

295 million Americans feel they were unfairly targeted by IRS

Wed, 22 May 2013 01:00:00 -0400

WASHINGTON, DC - Following recent revelations that the IRS may have targeted political groups who were seeking tax exempt status, 295 million Americans have also spoken up, saying that they too were targeted unfairly by the IRS.

“Yeah, I guess this was bound to happen,” said IRS director…

Cincinnati criminals consider offers to relocate to Detroit

Wed, 22 May 2013 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI, OH - Following Chief James Craig’s announcement that he will accept an offer to become the Police Chief in Detroit, Cincinnati criminals are now considering similar offers to relocate. The city of Detroit has put together packages aimed at attracting Cincinnati criminals.

“We…

Shadow Hare considers Cincinnati Police Chief position

Tue, 14 May 2013 21:22:23 -0400

Heroic Eden Park resident frees captive butterflies from Krohn Conservatory

Tue, 14 May 2013 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI, OH - Eden Park resident Charles Rodgers is being called a hero after releasing the population of captive butterflies from the nearby Krohn Conservatory. The newly freed butterflies are now being debriefed by authorities about their time in captivity.

“I had just got back from…

Cincinnati seeks transportation funds for OTR piggyback rides

Tue, 14 May 2013 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI, OH - In an effort to increase transportation options within the neighborhood of Over the Rhine, Cincinnati City Council has begun the process of seeking federal transportation funds to pay for a system of piggyback rides.

“This is a plan that will pay for itself in the first…

Cuban leader Raul Castro condemns Ariel Castro for shaming family name

Thu, 09 May 2013 11:54:01 -0400

Kidnapper Ariel Castro charged with holding Cleveland Browns offense captive since 2003

Thu, 09 May 2013 01:00:00 -0400

CLEVELAND, OH – After charging Cleveland resident Ariel Castro on four counts of kidnapping, authorities discovered Castro also abducted the Cleveland Browns offense in 2003, the year after the Browns made their last playoff appearance.

“It is such a relief to finally locate our offense.’…

Congress removes evidence of Cinco De Mayo party before immigration bill debate

Wed, 08 May 2013 01:00:00 -0400

WASHINGTON, DC - With debate set to begin on the immigration bill, members of Congress have been furiously working behind the scenes to clean up all evidence of their recent Cinco De Mayo party.

“Nothing to see here,” said Congressman Ralph Strickmeyer of Georgia as he removed a large…

NBA player Jason Collins and WNBA come out of closet

Wed, 01 May 2013 12:40:09 -0400

MTV's Jersey Shore star Ronnie passes miraculous kidney stone that closely resembles Snooki

Wed, 01 May 2013 01:00:00 -0400

STATEN ISLAND, NY - Reality TV fans were concerned for the health of Jersey Shore star Ronnie after learning he had recently needed medical attention for kidney stones. Their concern turned to delight, however, upon learning that one of the passed stones bore an exact likeness to his costar…

Escaped circus monkey revealed to be former News 5 Anchor Jack Atherton

Wed, 01 May 2013 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI, OH - News reports of an escaped monkey in the streets of Cincinnati energized the media this week. However, the reports were discovered to be false, as the escaped monkey was revealed to be former Cincinnati News 5 anchor Jack Atherton.

“Residents of the area are now free to go…

Millions of styrofoam cups discarded after Earth Day parties

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 11:20:52 -0400

Local man sues Netflix for harmful recommendations

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 11:20:05 -0400

Kentucky Derby festival to kick off with ceremonial first Infield Urination

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0400

LOUISVILLE, KY - Festivities will soon be officially underway for the Kentucky Derby, as the ceremonial first Infield Urination takes place at Churchill Downs. This year’s ceremonial First Urination will be performed by retired Kentucky state senator Graham Wendall.

As a crowd of hundreds…

Section of I-75 informed it was adopted

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI, OH - A section of Interstate 75 in Ohio this week is experience a wide range of emotions. The stretch of road was just told that is was adopted.

“This section of I-75 is going through a difficult emotional time,” said Ohio Transportation Department Psychologist Dr. Harold…

Max & Erma finalize divorce.

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 13:18:34 -0400

Unemployment rising among accordion players

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 12:41:03 -0400

Shin-Soo Choo underwhelmed by reception from Cincinnati\'s Little Korea neighborhood

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI, OH - Despite fitting right in with his teammates on the field, new Cincinnati Reds outfielder Shin-Soo Choo has been underwhelmed by the reception he’s received in Cincinnati’s Little Korea neighborhood.

“I expected a parade,” said Choo. “But I would've taken a few high fives…

North Korea awards national defense contract to Howell Illinois Ace Hardware

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0400

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - After considering a multitude of bids and analyzing the country’s financial resources, North Korea has awarded it's national defense contract to Ace Hardware. The announcement was made in a press conference that featured North Korean President Kim Jong-un and…

Shipment of bubble wrap arrives safely

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 12:34:20 -0400

Shocking amount of porn found in rubble of Gamble House

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI, OH - Despite years of protests and attempts to save the historic Gamble House, the home was recently demolished. While many mourn the loss of the Gamble House, many others are shocked by the prodigious amounts of pornography which have been found amidst its rubble.

“Every stone…

Image of toaster appears on Virgin Mary painting

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0400

FAIRFIELD, OH - Parishioners packed the Fairfield Church of Nazarene this week as word of the toaster apparition spread throughout the community. The phenomenon continues to prompt waves of intense emotion as people try to comprehend the heavenly message. Throughout viewing hours set up by…

Tension mounts as Angelina Jolie attempts to adopt Kim Jong-un

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0400

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - As the world watches out for a potential conflict between North Korea and South Korea, tensions continue to mount. The situation has been made more complex and perhaps volatile by the announcement that Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie is in the process of attempting…

Workers seek new ways to waste time after NCAA tournament ends

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 01:00:00 -0400

CHICAGO, IL - As the NCAA tournament winds to a close in less than a week, alert office workers have already begun plans on new ways to waste time once the tournament ends and their brackets become obsolete.

“This isn’t going to be like all those other years,” said Morgan Stanley broker…

Jeff Ruby breaks thirty second media silence to appear on Food Network

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI, OH - Following an unprecedented 30 seconds in which Cincinnati restauranteur Jeff Ruby swore off the media, Mr. Ruby broke free of his reclusive ways to appear on The Food Network’s “Chef Wanted with Anne Burrell.”

Ruby initially announced his media boycott a room of fawning…

Cincinnati hookers offered makeovers by Horseshoe Casino

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 00:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI, OH - The Queen City’s new Horseshoe Casino is looking to increase visibility and enhance visitor’s experiences in every way possible. The casino has announced plans to achieve that goal by offering makeovers to Cincinnati’s prostitution community.

“We want visitors to…

Xavier seeks selection in University of Phoenix online basketball tourney

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI, OH - Despite being denied a bid into either the NCAA or NIT tournaments, the Xavier athletic department is still holding out hope for a successful post-season. The men’s basketball team is awaiting selection day for the University of Phoenix’s annual online basketball tournament.
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