It’s no secret that the one thing women want more than anything else in the world is more government in their vaginas. Way, way deep, up there in their mother’s vaginas, in their daughter’s vaginas, in their great grandmother’s vaginas, and God & GOP willing, in every vagina across this great land, for [...]]]>

It’s no secret that the one thing women want more than anything else in the world is more government in their vaginas. Way, way deep, up there in their mother’s vaginas, in their daughter’s vaginas, in their great grandmother’s vaginas, and God & GOP willing, in every vagina across this great land, for now and forever, like the good testosterone-filled Lord intended. Amen.

Well, thank heavens the 24 Republican congressladies (and their 24 ladyparts) on the newly formed Women’s Policy Committee know stupidity is the first requirement of conservatism. And the second, third and fourth. Then, self-loathing.

Which helps explain why a caucus aimed at “raising the profile of GOP women in their roles as lawmakers, highlighting their diverse achievements and providing a unique, unified voice on a wide range of critically important issues” would be as hostile to ladyfolk as the Grand Old Party of misogynists they belong to, voting overwhelmingly against women’s rights as much as humanly, err make that womanly, possible.

A quick review of their voting records via Think Progress:

• Violence Against Women: Of the 24 women, 22 voted to rollback the Violence Against Women Act, backing a version of the bill that could violate the confidentiality of victims and that excluded protections for immigrants, LGBT people, and Native Americans.
• Access to contraception: 21 of the 24 co-sponsored the “Respect for Rights of Conscience Act” to take away regulations enacted under Obamacare requiring most employers to cover birth control in their health insurance plans, without additional cost-sharing.
• Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act: Of the 15 Republican Congresswomen who were in the House at the time, all 15 voted against the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009, a law that helps women hold accountable employers who discriminate in the pay practices based on gender.
• Paycheck Fairness Act Act: 13 of those 15 also voted against the Paycheck Fairness Act, which would update the 1963 Equal Pay Act by closing many of its loopholes and strengthening incentives to prevent pay discrimination.
• Reproductive health: According to Planned Parenthood, 20 of the 24 GOP women earned a zero score, voting against reproductive health at every opportunity. The average score for the women was under 6 percent.

Oooh how liberating! I guess the new slogan of the Republican Women caucus is “We Know Our Place.” Behind the nearest man, hands folded demurely, lips sealed, and eyes pointing down in respectful deference.

“Make no mistake, these aren’t just leaders on so-called ‘women’s issues,’ these are women leaders on all issues,” House Speaker John Boehner said.  “I am confident the Women’s Policy Committee will offer a fresh, new perspective on a vast array of challenges confronting Congress and be an important voice for the Republican Conference.”

After all, a lady should always be fresh as a daisy, and make approximately the same amount of noise.

Majority Leader Eric Cantor added, “Republican Women are leading the charge on issues that matter most to small businessmen and women and working families throughout the country. The newly-minted House Republican Women’s Policy Committee will provide a much-needed forum for thoughtful deliberation as we work to address big challenges like tax reform, health care and our nation’s debt. Through their varied backgrounds and personal experiences, the members of the House Republican Women’s Policy Committee have a unique advantage in making the case for lower taxes, less government red tape and pro-growth policies to get people back to work.”

Woohoo! Let’s get government’s big red tape out of our wallets and back into our vaginal canals to ensure those awesome pro-growth policies they’re always prattling on about apply exclusively to the soon-to-be expanding waistelines of every happily knocked up vessel of precious li’l miracles of congressional overreach.

“As mothers, grandmothers, daughters, wives and sisters, women often see things in a different context,” Rep. Bono Mack explained. “Today, our nation is confronting historic challenges – from a $15 trillion national debt to a sluggish economy that has suffered through 39 straight months of unemployment above 8 percent.  As Republican women, we have some really unique ideas for moving our nation forward, and we’re excited about working together to find solutions.”

To keep men in the workplace, or more specifically between our legs, where they can probe, prod, poke, and procreate to their uniquely estrogen-less hearts.

“When I am back home visiting with women in my district, the number one concern I hear is that the uncertainty in Washington about regulation, litigation and taxation is hindering their ability to innovate and create jobs,” said Rep. Marsha Blackburn.  “The Women’s Policy Committee was formed with the idea of better educating Members on the issues that impact women on a daily basis, whether they be mothers, daughters, or small business owners. I am honored to have been selected as a Vice Chair of this distinguished group of Republican women and look forward to our work ahead.”

To take society backwards.

According to its mission statement, the Women’s Policy Committee “is organized for the purpose of influencing, advancing, leading, and communicating the Republican agenda in the House of Representatives and is dedicated to the principles of job creation, less government, lower taxes, regulatory relief, personal responsibility, individual freedoms and a strong national defense.”

Like real (wo)men. After all, as Republicans, they already have the dick part down pat.

[image via MotleyNews]

Bored with their usual antics of deporting frightened Mexican and Mexican-ish looking people and denying ladies sluts access to baby murdering apparatus birth control (yawn!), the fine citizens of Aryanzona have turned their short, sun-scorched attention to another pressing matter: the true birth origins of a certain illegal Socialist, half-black, [...]]]> “I See Brown People!”

Bored with their usual antics of deporting frightened Mexican and Mexican-ish looking people and denying ladies sluts access to baby murdering apparatus birth control (yawn!), the fine citizens of Aryanzona have turned their short, sun-scorched attention to another pressing matter: the true birth origins of a certain illegal Socialist, half-black, possibly alien president, a one Barack Hussein Obama.

Yee-Haw!

The man in charge of running elections, Arizona’s Secretary of Hate, err State, Ken Bennett now says he’s not convinced Barack Obama was really born in the United States and is threatening to keep the president off the ballot in November.

Speaking to conservative Phoenix radio talk show host Mike Broomhead, Bennett said he was following the lead of the state’s eccentric Sheriff Joe Arpaio, a fellow Republican who ordered an investigation into the president’s birth certificate last year and concluded the document released by the White House is a forgery. Bennett said he is now trying to get verification from state officials in Hawaii that the certificate is authentic.

In doing so, Bennett caved to a fringe group of activists and writers who believe in a conspiracy theory that just never seems to die no matter how much proof they get. Hawaiian officials have said time and again that Obama was born there in 1961, yet the theory persists.

Bennett, the state’s No. 2 elected official just below Gov. Jan Brewer (R), said his investigation isn’t personal. He said the reason he started looking into it is because he got more than 1,200 emails asking him to do so after Arpaio’s investigation came out.

Wait, Arizona residents know how to write??

But even though Bennett isn’t convinced Obama was born in America, if he was even born at all, he would like you to know that he isn’t that terrible B-word everyone’s always hurling at him. Other than bastard.

“I’m not a birther. I believe the president was born in Hawaii — or at least I hope he was,” Bennett said on the show. “But my responsibility as secretary of state is to make sure the ballots in Arizona are correct and that those people whose names are on the ballot have met the qualifications for the office they are seeking.”

Light skin, low IQ, limited experience. Ya know, the usual.

Even the crazy love child of the Wicked Witch and the New Jersey Tanning Mom, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, knows the whole birther conspiracy is a bunch of deep-fried bull (testicles).

“It’s just something I believe is leading our country down a path of destruction and it just is not serving any good purpose.”

Unlike say, her signature hunt-down-Messicans-law!

Wel, good thing nothing, be it woman or brain power, is going to stand in Ken’s way!

Mike Broomhead, the radio host, pressed Bennett on what he would do if he didn’t get the right response back from Hawaii.

“If they won’t comply, if they refuse to comply with this, will you remove the president from the ballot? Will you exclude him from the ballot?”

“That’s possible,” Bennett said. “Or the other option would be I would ask all of candidates, including the president, maybe to submit a certified copy of their birth certificate. But I don’t want to do that.”

Of course not! After all, the other candidates are white.

[image via Gawker]

Lee Camp is a name synonymous with humorous irreverence, which is no surprise considering how much the 31-year-old comedian, activist, and writer has accomplished in his short time on this planet. Not to mention how many people he’s pissed off!

His unique brand of topical humor, scathing wit, and fearless devotion to equality, justice, and [...]]]>

Lee Camp is a name synonymous with humorous irreverence, which is no surprise considering how much the 31-year-old comedian, activist, and writer has accomplished in his short time on this planet. Not to mention how many people he’s pissed off!

His unique brand of topical humor, scathing wit, and fearless devotion to equality, justice, and a sensible political system of the people, by the people, and for the people, has helped cement his unshakable reputation as a liberal crusader and dedicated activist who’s not afraid to stand up for what’s right. Or in the case of his Fox News smack down, stand up to what’s wrong.

Whatever your political leanings, Lee Camp is a comedic force to be reckoned with, who will open your eyes, challenge your views, tell you why you’re an idiot, and make you care about the world around you, if you could ever stop laughing that is.

You started doing comedy at a very young age. What would you say sparked your interest at a time when most boys are playing video games, discovering puberty, and more likely than not, unsuccessfully chasing girls?
Well, one thing that helped was that I always failed at the girl chasing. I bet if that had been working out, I would’ve had a lot less time for comedy. …I had loved making people laugh since I was little even though I was never the class clown. So I started emulating my favorite comedy writers when I was about 12. …So yeah, I guess it started as just really wanting to make people laugh. Now it’s moved into wanted to make people think as well as laugh.

Considering the former seat of the Confederacy isn’t exactly a bastion for liberalism, what was it like growing up in Richmond, Virginia? How did it influence your burgeoning activism and political leanings?
Well, the bigger influence was simply growing up in suburbia. Once I got out of there, I was like, “Holy shit, there’s a whole other world out here that thinks differently.” I think I still hold an anger about being lied to for so many years. And I don’t mean my parents – I mean my teachers and professors and everyone else who knows the truth about the world but changes it to fit with a good, white, suburban upbringing.

You received a lot of attention for your appearance on Fox & Friends in 2008 for saying live on air, “What is Fox News? It’s just a parade of propaganda, isn’t it? It’s just a…festival of ignorance.” Aside from a likely life-long ban from Fox, how did this incident affect you and your career? Is the old adage “there’s no such thing as bad publicity” true? Do you regret speaking your mind or were you happy to stick it to Fox given the opportunity? If you could do it over, would you change anything? If so, what?
At the time I thought that no one would see it other than Fox News viewers at 7AM on a Saturday. However, it went viral online and now it seems that everyone has seen it. So I certainly didn’t do it for publicity. I did it because I had to for my soul and for everyone who has died in these illegal wars. Over the course of the next two years, it definitely changed my life. It made it so that colleges, which had been my staple income, would no longer book me. So my entire career got washed away in that sense. But that clip has served as a calling card for other people and organizations and has helped me build the career I now have. And I want to make a difference much more than I care to tour colleges as an inoffensive, apolitical comedian.

You’ve been compared to such comic luminaries as George Carlin and Jon Stewart and have even been called the Che Guevara of comedy. How do you respond to this? Beyond being flattered, do you think these are accurate assessments of you and your work?
I think we all have a tendency to compare things to what we know from the past. Yet I think I’m very different from the comedians I’ve been compared to, but I also hope that they wouldn’t find such a comparison offensive. Whether the comparisons are accurate or not, I’m just proud to be in the genre of comedians speaking about real world issues. And that’s not meant to take anything away from other comics. People like Steven Wright were a huge inspiration to me even though they don’t fit in the genre I work in.

What inspired you to write “Moment of Clarity?” Was it in response to what you perceived (accurately I might add) as an increasingly dysfunctional political system out of touch with the needs and wants of real, everyday Americans throughout the country?
I started the “Moment of Clarity” web series simply because I wanted to speak my mind on a regular basis for a wider audience than the 100-person audiences I play to each night. But the theme quickly and unintentionally veered towards dealing with our dysfunctional society, government, and financial system. So unbeknownst to me, it did become a response to that. It’s tough to talk about world issues and not get drawn to the catastrophic events we’re sitting in the middle of. …You say “out of touch” with regular Americans. But I think it’s that the powerful don’t give a shit about average Americans. In fact, we’re only seen as a revenue stream.

What do you think is the most important issue facing the country right now? Why?
Money in politics. Period. ….Because as long as our political system can be bought and sold, the people who actually care about fixing this world will never get a chance to change things. So every issue you and I care about could be different if we get the money out of politics.

Why do you think the right-wing has become so extreme and out of touch with mainstream thought in this country? Is it backlash over the election of America’s first black president, Barack Obama?
The far right wing is living in some other universe – one filled with hatred towards immigrants, gays, women, and many others.  It’s not a world I can even understand. However, that being said, both sides are bought and sold by Wall Street. The only difference between the two is on social issues. How did we end up in a country that won’t allow thoughtful debate about war and the economy and instead simply allows Wall Street to hold it hostage? It’s very sick. I think it’s time to look outside the two corporate parties.

Why do you think Republicans/conservatives fear change so much, be it gays, immigrants, women, labor unions, clean energy solutions, and/or investing in anything that doesn’t involve bombing oil-rich countries? Is it hate or just ignorance? Does it matter? Or can we just chalk it up to little more than the last gasps of a dying breed?
Well, I give a lot of the blame to the mainstream media. I mean, Fox News really convinces these people that Obama is the most left-wing president we’ve ever seen, when in fact he’s rather right-wing. And of course it plays right into the hands of the corporate interests. They don’t give a shit about things like gay marriage, but they know it excites the base, so they play that card. And while everyone is running around screaming that about what consenting adults do in their own bedroom, Congress passes laws that take away our First Amendment rights. It’s a brilliant scheme.

Since we can’t gather ‘em up and ship them all off somewhere far away, like say Siberia, how do you propose we deal with the more extreme right-wing elements in society? How can we move forward on issues like climate change, gay rights, women’s rights, health care reform, tax reform, Wall street excesses, the military/industrial complex, and a functional social safety net while Republicans are stuck in what seems to be some warped vision of sometime between the 18th century and 1950?
Ha. While I like your Siberia idea, I think the bigger problem is that even the Democrats in Congress are not truly fighting for all those things you just mentioned. I mean, on climate change, Wall Street, military and more the Democrats have either backed down from the fight or actually been complicit in the pillaging of our country (and the bombing of other countries). I see more hope in the people, in movements like Occupy, in protesters standing up and demanding a different world. I see little hope in millionaires squabbling about how to best hide the truth from the American people.

One of the phrases I often find myself repeating, usually in frustrating rage, is that “Republicans are assholes and Democrats are pussies.” Why do you think this is the case? Why is it that Republicans have no problem lying, manipulating, and shaping the truth to fit their (typically terrible) objectives while Democrats have the right intentions, but fail miserably to communicate their message, refute the Republican spin machine, or move this country forward in a timely, productive manner? Do they need to grow some balls or is it just that the wheels of justice churn slowly, making it easier to move backwards than forwards?
No, all you have to do to find the answer to your question is… follow the money. On social issues like abortion or gay rights, most Democrats are, at least somewhat, good. Why? Because there’s no money in going the other way. But on all the other major issues – military, climate change, wall street regulation, etc. etc. etc. – Democrats are terrible. Why? Because the money interests come to them and say, “Here’s how you’re going to vote.” It’s as simple as that. A perfect example is that universal health care was never really fought for because the health insurance giants said no.

What do you foresee happening in the upcoming presidential elections? Does Obama win? Or does Romney shock the world? How important is this election and what does the outcome mean for the nation?
I think that it matters on the small things and it doesn’t matter on the big issues. In 20 years when Florida starts sinking under the ocean we’re going to look back and go, “What the hell were we thinking?” Of course if I have to pick between only those two, I want Obama to win. But neither one will get us out of this economic shit storm. Show me the guy who’s not taking advice from Goldman Sachs, and I’ll vote for that guy. But I also think that Obama may technically win in terms of votes, but Romney may end up in the White House. Many people don’t want to talk about the fact that a certain percentage of the vote is stolen by the right-wing in the past several elections. And this is why you see the difference between the exit polls and the computer numbers. At least 4 percent was stolen from John Kerry. And at least 4 percent was stolen from Obama. But in the last election it didn’t matter because Obama swamped those 4 percent. However, it looks like it will matter in this election. I wouldn’t be surprised if Obama technically wins by 2 points or so, but we’re then told he lost.

We saw a definite uptick in the amount of citizen protests taking place over the last 4 plus years, with the rise of both the Tea Party, or as I prefer to call them Teabaggers, and Occupy Wall Street movements. Aside from both being mass gatherings of disenchanted people, there seems to be little common ground between the two. What would you say are the main objectives of each and how do we bridge the gap between these two seemingly disparate groups? Are the Teabaggers more than just a bunch of angry white people who love guns but hate black people?
In my opinion the Tea Party in its earliest days was about a very similar anger to Occupy. It was about the fury over the bailout for Wall Street rather than a bailout for Main Street. However, the Tea Party was quickly co-opted by Fox News and Glenn Beck. So now it stands proudly for racism and hatred. I think the Tea Party is probably a lost cause at this point. However, I have strong hope for Occupy. Occupy has maintained its independence and is certainly not in bed with the media or with the Democratic party. Occupy continues to stand for re-imagining Wall Street, regaining our rights, and making the government for the people again instead of for the corporations. But as we’ve seen the corporate media will continue to undercut it and the police will continue to fight for the money interests. So it’s going to be a long, hard road. But I don’t know that there’s any other option out there.

How much is the media to blame for the current state of the nation? How responsible are they for sensationalizing and/or ignoring issues based on their marketability instead of their importance?
Very. People need to get their news from alternative sources. I think the mainstream media is 80% dead. It’s a ratings zombie not interested in bringing truth to the people.

What advice do you have for fledgling, like-minded, progressive journalists and activists, like myself, trying to get their voices heard and foster positive change while struggling to make ends meet?
I think we on the left have been the pawns of the Democrats for too long. I think there’s not a lot of time left and the millionaires in Congress don’t have the interest of the people anywhere near their heart. In fact, I think the interest of the people is close to their colon. It’s time we all look beyond money and towards how to correct this situation. Our quest for money over humans has taken us to a dark, ugly place. And each of us have to do our part to turn the lights back on. Thank you for doing yours.

What’s next for Lee Camp?
A Nutella and peanut butter sandwich. …Oh, you mean longer term? I hope to keep performing anywhere and everywhere that people will have me. I hope to perform at a bunch of protests this summer – You know, to give the protesters a cross of information and entertainment. Sometimes sleeping on the steps of the stock exchange or Bank of America can get boring, so there has to be some kind of entertainment. I also have a new comedy album coming out in two weeks entitled “Pepper Spray The Tears Away,” and as you mentioned, I have a book and e-book called “Moment of Clarity.”

Hungry for more Lee? Check out Lee’s website and his webseries for all the latest, greatest Lee Camp rants about how corporations are people (the serial-killer kind), and American democracy is its bloodied, battered victim. Rather than forking over your hard-earned money to greedy politicians and corporate puppets, why not give it to Lee instead? His book, Moment of Clarity, can be purchased directly on his website, or if you prefer the corporate behemoth route, at Amazon.com. The album “Pepper Spray the Tears Away” will be available at the end of this month. Until then, boring old Kleenex will have to do.

If there’s one thing America simply cannot get enough of, it is the rich, racist, radical Kentucky-fried-son-of-a-wingnut whose not-so-evolved views on homosexuality and civil rights make even his ancient cryptkeeper father, Papa Ron, seem normal by comparison.

Almost.

Good thing Rand Paul will do whatever it takes, blurt whatever comes out of his big, white power [...]]]>

If there’s one thing America simply cannot get enough of, it is the rich, racist, radical Kentucky-fried-son-of-a-wingnut whose not-so-evolved views on homosexuality and civil rights make even his ancient cryptkeeper father, Papa Ron, seem normal by comparison.

Almost.

Good thing Rand Paul will do whatever it takes, blurt whatever comes out of his big, white power mouth to avoid slipping ever closer to that scary, dangerous place (called the 21st century) where black people have rights, women are more than tits in a skirt, and homosexuals are more than just the sweaty, gyrating, chiseled physiques that haunt Rand Paul’s dreams whenever he closes his eyes.

Bein’ so straight, white and Christian must be hard!

Why not get a (non-gay) load off your chest and tell us about it, Rand?

“The president recently weighed in on marriage and you know he said his views were evolving on marriage.”

HAWHAWHAW, imagine that! A sentient being adapting in order to survive and thrive in a constantly-changing environment? Yeah, try telling that to the Dodo bird and the Republican Party!

“Call me cynical, but I wasn’t sure his views on marriage could get any gayer,” he said, drawing laughs from the crowd.

How about we just call you “asshole” instead?

“It did kind of bother me though that [Obama] used the justification for it in a biblical reference,” Paul continued, as did the laughter. “He said the biblical golden rule caused him to be for gay marriage. And I’m like, ‘what version of the Bible is he reading?’

OMG, probably the Queen James version??

“… I don’t know what version he’s getting it from.”

Me neither, but either way, he’s most certainly getting it from the rear.

He continued: “Now that doesn’t mean we need to be harsh and mean and hate people…”

Though by all means, feel free!

“But that doesn’t mean that we have to go ahead and give up our traditions. We’ve got 6,000 years of tradition.”

Hunting, gathering, slaying of the first born, bloodletting, witch hunts, crucifixtion, crusades, forced conversions, black plagues, beheadings, torture, stoning, slavery, rape, genocide, famine, near-constant war, chaos, disease, nuclear bombs,  and of course the nuclear family of one doomsday prepping man plus one doomsday prepping woman plus one and a half kids plus one pet, all crammed in an underground bunker like Jesus intended.

Saying it was time for traditionalists to stand together to “save the Republic” and that the traditional family unit needed to be defended, Paul declared, “The family is a really important thing. We shouldn’t just give up on it.”

We should spend every waking moment trying to destroy it, so abused and neglected foster children can be spared the horrors of living in a loving household with Adam and Steve and go back to the loveless orphanage where they belong.

“We’ve introduced the Life at Conception Act, the Pro-Life Act, the No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act, the Child Interstate Abortion Notification Act, I’m also co-sponsor of the Human Life Amendment,” Paul said. “I’ve also been trying to defund Planned Parenthood. Anybody here for that?”

Aww hells yeah! If you’ve got a dick, but don’t know dick about pushing a child through a vaginal canal, and care about life more than anything in the whole wide world (until it’s actually born), then the Rand Paul Devolution is for you!

Remember, Rand Paul will stand up for your rights by stomping on everyone else’s, including any dumb broad stupid enough to be a lesbian and protest outside a Rand Paul rally.

Because two wrongs don’t make a right. They make a Rand.

Woohoo! Congratulations, Gays and Gayettes! President Barack Obama Glama has finally come out of the closet on his very controversial belief that gay men and women should have the same marriage rights as Kim Kardashian and that one tall goofy looking fellow on Jay-Z’s team, Kris Humptydumpty or whatever.

Thus, President Obama’s evolution back [...]]]>

Woohoo! Congratulations, Gays and Gayettes! President Barack Obama Glama has finally come out of the closet on his very controversial belief that gay men and women should have the same marriage rights as Kim Kardashian and that one tall goofy looking fellow on Jay-Z’s team, Kris Humptydumpty or whatever.

Thus, President Obama’s evolution back to the position he originally held in 1996, when running for president was just a twinkle in his eye, is complete, and all those who doubted his liberal street cred/coolness factor can totally go suck it (gay way included this time!).

OBAMA: I have to tell you that over the course of several years as I have talked to friends and family and neighbors when I think about members of my own staff who are in incredibly committed monogamous relationships, same-sex relationships, who are raising kids together, when I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf and yet feel constrained, even now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is gone, because they are not able to commit themselves in a marriage, at a certain point I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married.

Well Hallef*ckinglujah! America can now enter the 21st century, and join Argentina, Belgium, Canada, Iceland, the Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, Spain, South Africa, and Sweden in granting gays and lesbians the right to be as miserable and undersexed as everyone else in holy matrimony.

Meanwhile, current Republican presidential candidate, Mittens Romney, whose forefathers “redefined” marriage as between one man and as many women as he could swat into his desert abode using the Book of Mormon, continues to evolve the opposite way.

And now that he opposes even civil unions, Governor Gay Marriage is well on his way to losing the White House, but fulfilling his lifelong dream of getting to be the next, totally non-gay Governor of North Carolina.

Like Mormon Jesus intended.

When not spreading their legs to pop out even more precious li’l miracles of federal restrictions on reproductive rights, celebrities & celebrated owners of breasts and ovaries, Kate Beckinsale, Judy Greer and Andrea Savage “spread” the message that the one thing women really want in their vagina is the [...]]]>
Republicans, Get In My Vagina!

When not spreading their legs to pop out even more precious li’l miracles of federal restrictions on reproductive rights, celebrities & celebrated owners of breasts and ovaries, Kate Beckinsale, Judy Greer and Andrea Savage “spread” the message that the one thing women really want in their vagina is the government.

Sure, a lot’s been said about a women’s right to choose. But what about women’s right to choose to not have a choice?

That’s where Republicans come in!

They can help you with those big decisions by making them for you. Because who knows better about what a woman wants than a 65 year-old Southern white man who believes that Mary is as much of a virgin as Bristol Palin and his 18-year-old daughter?

Because when it comes to control over your dumb bodies, why not leave it to the Grand Old Party of people who believe the only place black holes exist is between a lady’s thighs?

So remember ladies, do what real women in real America are doing, elect a Republican and “Let the Oval Office take care of YOUR oval office.”

[image via GINKthink]

Michele, my (liberty) belle. How nice it must be to live in an alternate dimension, one where sexy, straight-as-pray-the-gay-away homosexual conversion therapists make the perfect hubbies (not to mention personal stylists!) and loony, pill-popping, Migraine-suffering (and inducing!), unhinged gaffe-magnets come thisclose to winning the Republican nomination courtesy of their near-flawless campaign.

Ignorance Psychosis is bliss, [...]]]>

Michele, my (liberty) belle. How nice it must be to live in an alternate dimension, one where sexy, straight-as-pray-the-gay-away homosexual conversion therapists make the perfect hubbies (not to mention personal stylists!) and loony, pill-popping, Migraine-suffering (and inducing!), unhinged gaffe-magnets come thisclose to winning the Republican nomination courtesy of their near-flawless campaign.

Ignorance Psychosis is bliss, my friends!

Good thing in Michele’s reality-defying fantasy land beyond the fourth dimension, let’s call it Bachmanndu, she is already President and doesn’t have to worry about the awful lamestream media sabotaging her heroic campaign efforts by covering every mindblowingly dumb thing she says and does.

But on Earth? Well that’s a different story altogether!

Speaking to Christian Broadcasting Network host David Brody, Bachmann explains how her “extremely careful” and “almost mistake-free” campaign was doomed by the vast liberal media conspiracy known as reality.

Via The Hill:

Michele Bachmann: I think one thing I learned is a person has to be extremely careful with what they say. Make sure you have Elvis Presley’s birthday down, because that’s very important, and know where John Wayne was born. Those are two extremely important pieces of information.

David Brody: Oh, the media loves to beat everybody up.

Michele Bachmann: What they focus on is kind of amazing, when it looks like the house is burning down around us, that’s what they care about.

David Brody: You ran pretty much an impeccable campaign, in terms of a mistake-free campaign.

Michele Bachmann: Thank you, it really was.

David Brody: It pretty much was.

Bachmann: It really was, we were extremely careful, and we were almost mistake-free, but for those two points, Elvis Presley’s birthday and John Wayne’s birthplace. I’ve apologized, and we moved beyond.

I mean, big deal. Serial killers, tough guy actors, what’s the difference? Confusing the joyous birth of rock legend Elvis Presley with the 34th anniversary of his untimely prescription drug abusing death? Who hasn’t??

Besides, she already made up for that by using her sacred one man-one woman union to Marcus as tribute to the King’s favorite indulgence, fluffer nutter sandwiches. Can you guess which one’s the fluffer and which one’s the nutter?

Oh, and there’s also that time Michele made even Rick Perry look semi-intelligent by claiming a cancer vaccine makes girls “suffer retardation.”  As opposed to say, listening to Michele Bachmann.

Or when Michele signed that wingnut pledge vowing to fight evil gay marriage by marrying one herself and take America back(wards) to the good ol’ days when enslaved black children could dream of one day being free, not leader of the free world.

Alas, all good things must come to an end, so Bachmann returned to the campaign trail to face the bleak, medicated reality and formally endorse Mitt Romney.

“I am honored … to lend my voice and my endorsement to Mitt Romney as our president to take the country back.”

After all, thanks to Marcus, she has more than enough experience on taking things from behind!

[image via Wonkette]

Oh no-zees! Looks like the constant spew of homophobic outrage from the strictly heterosexual, not-at-all-suspiciously-anal-sex-obsessed closet cases on the right over Mitt Romney’s hiring of an openly gay campaign adviser has worked its wondrous, sodomite-busting charms.

Apparently, the yelling was so loud about Mittens’ decision to hire a known homosexual to advise him on the GOP’s [...]]]>

Oh no-zees! Looks like the constant spew of homophobic outrage from the strictly heterosexual, not-at-all-suspiciously-anal-sex-obsessed closet cases on the right over Mitt Romney’s hiring of an openly gay campaign adviser has worked its wondrous, sodomite-busting charms.

Apparently, the yelling was so loud about Mittens’ decision to hire a known homosexual to advise him on the GOP’s favorite pastime, the manliest of manly activities, protracted bloody wars, that the homosexual adviser in question Richard Grenell was forced to resign. You know, Mitt has very delicate eardrums!

So with all the forceful determination you’d expect from a man with the backbone of a gelatinous blobfish, Mitt Romney nobly defended his staffer and responded to the uproar by stashing Grenell in the closet and praying the whole thing would just go away. Sort of like poor people.

From the Washington Post:

GRENELL: I have decided to resign from the Romney campaign as the Foreign Policy and National Security Spokesman. While I welcomed the challenge to confront President Obama’s foreign policy failures and weak leadership on the world stage, my ability to speak clearly and forcefully on the issues has been greatly diminished by the hyper-partisan discussion of personal issues that sometimes comes from a presidential campaign.

Sometimes. Like when that presidential campaign is Republican and involves anyone not constantly trolling for the nearest hot tits in a skirt to receive his man seed, like the good Lord intended.

I want to thank Governor Romney for his belief in me and my abilities and his clear message to me that being openly gay was a non-issue for him and his team.

Such a non-issue in fact that no one dare mention his terrible affliction so help them God.

“Officials from the Romney campaign and respected Republicans not on the campaign contacted Ric Grenell over the weekend in an attempt to persuade him not to leave the campaign. Grenell was upset that there was no public statement of support for him by the campaign and no supportive social conservatives were enlisted to calm the waters.”

Where the F is Moses when you need him?

“We are disappointed that Ric decided to resign from the campaign for his own personal reasons,” Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades said in a statement. “We wanted him to stay because he had superior qualifications for the position he was hired to fill.”

What?? They always thought gay people loved getting bent over and screwed from behind!

[image via Examiner]

Hooray! The gang’s all here! It’s the 2012 White House Correspondents Dinner/Nerd Prom where media celebrities, political celebrities, [...]]]>

Ooooh Kim Kardashian! Jimmy Kimmel! The cast of Glee! The great Arianna Huffington (re)Post! Hillary Clinton drunk texting from Cartagena! Birth certificate jokes! Ballrooms! Bow ties! The lamestream media! The lazy, no-good, do nothing (except destroy society) Congress!

Hooray! The gang’s all here! It’s the 2012 White House Correspondents Dinner/Nerd Prom where media celebrities, political celebrities, and celebrity celebrities get together to mutually masturbate one another in a (hopefully) mostly metaphoric way, as part of the great journalistic tradition of being the government’s fearless watchdog lapdog.

And just like Osama bin Laden one year earlier, America’s favorite Joker-in-Chief Barack Obama killed this one too.

B-Rock in da House, y’all!

Guess when it comes to killing things, be it terrorists and/or dork & celeb-studded crowds, everyone knows it’s all about the O!

[image via Washington Post]

Supreme asshole and constant reminder of all that is wrong with our nation’s legal system, Justice Antonin Scalia did not disappoint in his latest opportunity to ruin America with terrible legislation aimed at those least able to defend themselves: the terrible, no good Mexicans.

You see, Scalia has never met a bad law he didn’t like, [...]]]>

Supreme asshole and constant reminder of all that is wrong with our nation’s legal system, Justice Antonin Scalia did not disappoint in his latest opportunity to ruin America with terrible legislation aimed at those least able to defend themselves: the terrible, no good Mexicans.

You see, Scalia has never met a bad law he didn’t like, or for that matter, a brown person he did like, which is why it comes as no surprise that the Supreme Court’s Supreme Dick is simply smitten (but not in a gross gay way) with Aryanzona’s “Let’s have a Mexican-hunting party” SB 1070 law, making brown skin illegal unless it is on Jan Brewer and comes from the nearest electric tanning bed.

And why not? Scalia has always loved hunting (small game, small children, whatever), not to mention Antonin knows illegal immigrants are pretty much the same as bank robbers, in that they are constantly stealing money by working long, grueling hours at below-standard wages.

From TPM:

In his fervent defense Wednesday of Arizona’s right to crack down on illegal immigration, Justice Antonin Scalia likened immigration enforcement to crackdowns on bank robbers.

“What’s wrong about the states enforcing federal law?” Scalia said during his aggressive questioning of U.S. Solicitor General Donald Verrilli. “There is a federal law against robbing federal banks. Can it be made a state crime to rob those banks? I think it is.”

The Reagan-appointed justice mocked the Obama administration’s argument that S.B. 1070 unconstitutionally forces the federal government to re-prioritize its enforcement resources and go after undocumented people who are not dangerous.

“But does the attorney general come in and say, you know, we might really only want to go after the professional bank robbers?” Scalia said. “If it’s just an amateur bank robber, you know, we’re going to let it go. And the state’s interfering with our whole scheme here because it’s prosecuting all these bank robbers.”

The line drew uncomfortable laughter and some gasps in the courtroom. It’s the sort of analogy that makes it easier for immigrant-rights advocates to accuse their opponents of lacking humanity. The vast majority of undocumented immigrants, advocates often have to point out, are not criminals and are merely trying to make a living for themselves and their families.

You mean immigrants have regular people feelings? Gasp! So much for the perks of being an alien.

Besides, what’s an “amateur bank robber” anyway? Oh right, the kind that sneaks into your financial institution and washes the dishes in the back with the rest of the underpaid employees instead of breaking open the vault and holding the place hostage, with promises of water refills and cloth wrapped utensils? Makes total sense now.

Angela Kelley, an immigration policy expert at the liberal Center for American Progress, said Scalia’s analogy is also wrong.

“Justice Scalia is funny but his analogy is false. As a justice, he knows that there are things only the federal government can do, things the states can do and some things both can do. In this case only the feds can deport unauthorized immigrants. In the case of bank robbers, either the states or the feds can arrest, prosecute and jail them. I don’t think Justice Scalia is advocating for each of the 50 states to start deportation programs.”

Of course not! He is advocating for each of the 50 states to start execution programs, silly!

“What does sovereignty mean if it does not include the ability to defend your borders? The states can police their borders,” Scalia said, suggesting that the White House opposes S.B. 1070 because it “doesn’t want [immigration] law enforced so rigorously, and that preempts the state from enforcing it vigorously.”

When Verrilli argued that international concerns factor into the federal government’s supremacy over immigration policy, Scalia angrily interrupted, “So we have to enforce our laws in a manner that will please Mexico. Is that what you’re saying?”

¡Ay dios mio! ¿Cómo se dice, “sociopath” en español?

Oh yeah, Scalia.

[image via TPM]