TREK: A Personal Life Journey

A New Definition of Human Success

2011-12-27T13:19:00.000-08:00

We in the western world commonly define life success through our capacity to access goods and services. Money provides a unified system of access to goods and services and has become the most important of all commodities due to its function in providing said access. Thus, the abundance of money in a person or group’s pocket has come to be equated to life success. A lack of money is then equated to being unsuccessful and can lead to a devaluation of human life.

Besides human devaluation, there is another major problem with defining success through money. Money, like all material resources, is finite; there is only so much to go around. In order for one person to get money, he or she must take it from another; in so doing, robbing that person of their ability to access goods and services. We spend most of our waking lives in an effort to take money from a person or group while thinking of more and more clever ways to do so. We define ourselves as individuals by the means through which we take money from others, i.e. one’s job. Consequently, equating money with success creates a competitive reality which divides humans from each other and forces them to compete for access to the worlds goods and services. This atmosphere of competition breeds distrust, fear, hate, greed and loneliness as humans are constantly struggling against one another to be successful and survive. When we come to the understanding that equating money with success ultimately divides humans against one another and creates a devaluing of human life, it becomes clear that as a society we need to redefine what it means to be a successful human being.

How can we redefine what it means to be successful to allow full access to goods and services for all humans while maintaining, and even encouraging, trust and love between people? If we define success in terms of how much of a finite material good an individual or group has, this will divide us against one another as there is only X amount of any material commodity to go around. What would happen then if we defined success according to something that was infinite as opposed to finite?

A human’s capacity to give is infinite. Giving is not restricted to any material good or service. The act of giving has a value which is not proportional to the thing which is given. There is value in the act of giving itself, and our capacity to give is limitless. What then would the world be like if success is defined by our acts of giving as individuals and as groups? What if the act of giving became the new currency? If acts of giving defined life success, then the greatest gift a person could give another would be to increase that person’s ability to give. GDP (Gross Domestic Product) would become GDG (Gross Domestic Giving) as we shift towards measuring how many acts of giving we are producing as opposed to how much product we are moving. Commodities would continue to exchange hands; goods and services would be abundantly accessible for all; a new incentive for the creation, advancement, and implementation of technology would arise. To define human success through acts of giving would create an atmosphere of trust instead of distrust, love and compassion instead of fear and hate, generosity instead of greed, and community instead of loneliness.

Imagine a world where we collectively derive meaning and purpose in life from our limitless acts giving.

Giving for a Living.

Occupy Your Street

2011-12-08T12:16:00.001-08:00

We try and drown our negative feelings in external experiences. Anger, fear, pain, sadness, hatred. We believe these feelings to be so overwhelmingly powerful that it is better to hide, bury, run, destroy them than to feel them. So we go out for a night on the town, get drunk, watch a movie, eat until we cannot eat anymore, cut ourselves, go running, play a game, buy a toy, watch TV, surf the internet, call a friend, have sex, go to the gym, focus on the positive, spend money, make money, work, sleep, blame it on others, make others hurt...anything but feel what we are experiencing. Anything would feel better, we believe. Why not just feel what we feel? Why not be aware of what is going on in our own minds and bodies. We cannot control these feelings so does it make any sense to condem them?

We are trying so hard to protect ourselves. We work so hard and making life bearable. We do not wish to be numb to life, numb to our feelings, but the fear of those feelings is so strong and overwhelming. What if actually being present with our feelings and expressing them would help our lives be more bearable than it is when we are fighting them?

What if we all came together and made the intention to express our emotions? What if we created a place where it was okay and safe to be afraid, to be sad, to be lost, to be angry, to have hate. What if we witnessed each other feeling these emotions and gave loving attention to each and every one of those emotions, no matter the circumstance? What would your life be like? What would our world look like?

Alphabet Soup

2011-08-10T04:03:00.000-07:00

Daniel is X. Daniel wishes to be Y. Life is moving Daniel to Z. Daniel tries to be Y and is slapped in the face by life. Daniel hates being X. Being X is the path to being Z. Daniel must be safe in being X. Daniel must smile at Y and die. Die to the knowing of X Y and Z. They are all Daniel and Daniel is them. There is no Daniel, only the wish to be Y. To let go of the wish to be Y, is to let go of the idea of Daniel. Daniel must be safe in Death. Only in the death will the world open up past the alphabet.

Unknowable

2011-05-05T01:40:00.000-07:00

Life. Like a classic tale of suspense, mystery and intrigue. The hero has a path, a set journey to travel and goal to meet. The audience knows the hero must complete a certain task, and the audience also knows that he/she will complete the monumental challenge beset to him/her. You, as the audience, just have no idea how they will do it. This is why we watch, this is why we read. We already know the end, but we do not care about the end. We want to see and experience the journey.

It is our own journey which we are seeking to uncover. We are our own hero. It is our own personal journey that really inspires us on. We want to know what is going to happen. We want to know how we make it to the end. How will we get to the final product? What awaits us around the next corner? What will I do? How will I do it? And yet, we cannot know before hand. Everything unfolds in the moment and is shown to us when we need to see it. If we were to know already how it is to transpire before it actually happens, we would have no care to continue. It is the mystery that moves us...the unknown. It is the unknown which we strive to unlock and that which we fear at the same time.

Sensation Creation

2011-04-09T22:57:00.000-07:00

There is so much to do, and yet nothing to do. Thought feels it is the center of everything. It sees itself as the one who has the power to change, make, control. In the end, the only power thought has is in letting go. Letting what is, be what is. No reaction to the actuality of what is perceived. The perception is the only reality. One can be sure that what is felt is real...not the thing giving the feeling, but the feeling, the sensation itself is a reality. Considering thought has no control over what sensations it perceives, what sense is there in wanting a sensation to be anything different? To desire creates inevitable conflict. Whether it is a desire to recreate a pleasurable sensation, or whether it is a desire to never feel a particular sensation again, desire creates a resistance to the actuality of perception.

There seems to be a very deep and hidden aspect of the mind whose job it has become to interpret the sensations felt on the body. The average person is oblivious to the subtle, constant sensation which the body is undergoing at all times of the day and night. This part of the mind is in constant contact with all the sensations. We give free reign to this part of the mind and the consequences of this freedom are disastrous. This aspect of mind interprets, judges and responds to certain sensations it comes into contact with. It actually generates its own sensation in an attempt to encourage or discourage certain specific sense patterns the mind experiences. However, no aspect of the human mind has control over what sensations it comes into contact with. We may try and limit certain sensations and chase others, but ultimately we have no control. Additionally, this subtle aspect of the mind has a major flaw besides its feeble attempt at control. For example, the mind interprets a sensation it deems highly undesirable, it then generates a feeling overwhelming which the conscious mind becomes keen to and aware of. This feeling which the mind has generated has an effect on the body, the body reacts in a negative fashion. Perhaps the stomach flips, or there is a sensation of intense pain, nausea, tension, anger, fear etc. If intense enough, the reaction the body has towards the sensation which the mind generated is now interpreted as a new sensory event for evaluation. This sensory event which is so obviously unpleasant, can cause the mind to produce another sensation which then may have an effect on the body. This can quickly spiral out of control. This process is known to us as anxiety, and in extreme cases, panic attacks.

If we are to understand this process and see it, feel it, we must become sensitive. We must become aware to not only the large sensations which we are experiencing on the surface level of awareness, but we must reawaken our capacity to feel everything that is happening in the body no matter how small or insignificant we may deem the sensation. If we can see this process unfold; if we can become aware of how this subtle aspect of our mind is constantly trying to grasp at pleasurable sensation and run from unpleasant sensation then we may be able to see that it is not the thing outside of our body which causes us pain or pleasure. Rather it is us. Therefore, we have no one or nothing to blame for our reactions, not even ourselves...because we literally have no control over this small, subtle aspect of the mind. It does not see or understand the totality of the function which it has undertaken. If this part of the mind were to see the chaos it produces, we stand to rid ourselves of all anxiety and perhaps more.

with my death.

2011-01-30T00:30:00.000-08:00

And so it is.
That on this day, at this very hour. That I, understandably so, set out on a journey of one so unspeakably pointless that it warrants nothing but one, seemingly ridiculous and drawn out sentence as to convey, not only to those who would read it, but unto myself what it is that I am feeling and what it is that I have felt.
Time is lost and the time has come.
Tired.
That I am tired of doing what I am supposed to do.
That I am tired of doing what is right.
That I am tired of fighting the fight never ending.
And yet, it does end and will end;
with my death.
Life is nothing but a pointless journey from here to there. A movement, a fleeting few tiny steps in the vast and incalculable continuum of that we call life.
So heavy a burden it lay upon our shoulders.
So deep it cuts into our hearts.
What will one do? How shall one go on when there is no fruit, no taste, no joy of that which is timeless.
Now is the time for the timeless. Now is the time for the seed is planted. There is nothing to do. It has already begun. The end. Your End. Our End.
For I am tired.

To the Master and the Maker:

2011-01-25T00:25:00.001-08:00

There comes a time when all the roads and the paths come to a point. A fork in the ways. A crossing of thought, time and reality.

All things happen for a reason. The pain, sorrow, fear, pleasures, pursuits, passions.

We wander this life looking for meaning once had, now lost. There is nothing special or sacred to find out in the physical world.

All that we see, feel, hear, taste and smell can never tell the whole truth. All that is true - all that is real, exists within ourselves.

Choice is an illusion. You are but a small and insignificant part of a larger order. You are born of order and can only exist as order. Good, bad, right, wrong is a concept unknown in an orderly system.

There is nothing to do, to understand, to control. What must happen, will happen; what you must do, you will do.

Be the order, love thy self, drop judgement, 1 with now. I am separate; we are together; 1 is whole. 1 is real.

No Mind = No Problem

2011-01-01T11:55:00.000-08:00

What if there was no Me? What if there was no thing to look at? No thing to observe and say, I did this or I did that? If there was no thing to label then there would be nothing one could compare one`s self to. All judgments would cease to exist for there would be nothing to judge against. Then it does not matter if there is actually a Me or not a Me. What matters is that one believes there to be a Me. I believe I exist. I believe I am here and am making choices and have the ability to change what is Me. Thus when things happen I judge as negative, I then have the desire to change it. When things happen to me I judge as positive, I have the desire to sustain it. If there was no Me that things happen to, there would cease to be desire.

Of Love, Judgements and Desire

2011-01-01T11:26:00.000-08:00

Love and judgement are not the same thing. Do not mistake love to be a positive judgement of yourself. By judgement, I mean looking at the events of your life, the thoughts and choices you have made, and either liking or disliking what has happened. If I look upon the past and see something which has happened to me, that which I have thought or that which I have done and am happy with the results, that is not love for one`s self. Love can only exist when there is no judgment at all. When you judge yourself, you must first have an idea of what you desire or what you want to avoid. If there was no idea of the way things should be, the way I should act, the way I should feel, then there would be no judgement. Only when judgments are not present is there space for love to exist.

The Human Problem

2010-11-26T05:02:00.000-08:00

It is a terrible thing...to be seeking something in this life; yet it seems that I am always seeking something. Always looking to the future, waiting for the thing to come along that will change all of this. I see that I am upset more people do not see this is going on in their minds as well. I hate that humanity is so blinded by itself. It seems that we are all so consumed with attaining and becoming more. To be something more is an endless internal pursuit. It does not matter how much you attain, learn, change, grow, the pursuit is never over and the fight continues on. This is not a fight that we are comfortable with, yet we do not know anything different. The only thing that the mind can do is hope to gain enough knowledge to break itself out of this pattern, and yet it is the very pattern and movement of the acquisition of knowledge that creates the problem in the first place. One cannot strive and desire to be desirless since the very thought in itself is a desire.

What then is one to do? When every day is a fight, a struggle full of fear with only brief moments of contentment and peace. What is one to do when one sees that all "I" have are thoughts and the subsequent memories those thoughts have created and clung to as the ultimate truth. The longer one lives, the more thoughts and memories are accumulated and built up into the structure of the thing that is called "me". It seems that once a mind has accumulated enough knowledge, thought becomes constantly active trying to control the future based on the past memories it has accumulated. It is like a ball bouncing endlessly in a tiny enclosed room. In order to control ones future, thought is always projecting ideas of what could be and what should be. It seems to the bouncing ball in the tiny room that it needs to gain more knowledge to expand the boundary of the walls so that it will eventually expand large enough to encompass everything and will then finally be able to predict all outcomes of life. The ball will then be safe, secure, happy. The ball does not see that it itself has made the walls in which it is housed and that the dropping of those walls is something that it is unwilling to do. There is so much fear about what exists outside of those walls.

I cannot ignore this fundamental problem that exists within me and seemingly the rest of humanity. Most others around me seem content to go on living in this way while ignoring the symptoms. I feel like I have come to a point in the middle between ignorance and action. I cannot ignore this problem, nor am I willing to move past where I am as it seems it would ultimately mean my death. The death of my ideas, my thoughts -- all that I believe what makes me, "me". Thus I want to have my cake and eat it too...alas life does not work like this.

It is a terrible thing to be human, born into the slavery of a mind which appears fundamentally flawed from day one. I can see this is why I get such a sad and helpless feeling when looking at children sometimes. I see their future, I see what is happening right in front of my eyes yet I feel powerless to do anything about it. Afterall, I am more caught in the chaos of an enclosed mind than they are. Babies are innocent because they have no past and no future. For them, everything is now, but it does not take long before that changes and thought starts trying to control in an attempt to escape pain and sustain happiness.

Future Lies Desire

2010-09-15T13:25:00.000-07:00

What is it that I run towards? What is it that I am looking for? The most difficult aspect of life is to be honest with one's self. If I know exactly what it is that I am seeking, then I can stop playing games with myself. I have hidden and buried the things that I am searching for and hope to get in future. Some part of me does not want to see that which it seeks. If I could see what I was trying to get, would I still seek it? If there was no tomorrow, no future, then the movement of seeking would end. What would this state of mind be like? How can a person who seeks a state of mind which is free of becoming something in the future ever be free of seeking? One must accept one's self in the moment no matter what they happen to be. Which means one must drop all ideas of how one should or shouldn't be. The here and the now is all that matters. Can I look at myself and see the whole thing, the whole movement completely without judgment which means without ideas born of past experience and knowledge? Can there be no comparison with even with the past knowledge? I see what I perceive to be and and I see that which I want to be. I assume that the becoming something different must take course over the space of time which then implies effort, will, force and desire. The one who desires to become desireless. Action born of desire only takes the desire into account; the rest of life is not considered. This disconnection from all but desire breeds inevitable conflict in all other aspects of life. Loneliness and desire walk hand in hand. Desire increases and the farther disconnected from life we become. Soon a desire to be connected and rooted in life is formed once one feels and sees the disconnection, then one desires to be connected and the very desire created the disconnection. When one is in the movement of desire, clouded becomes the exterior and the interior. The desire becomes all important. The desire is the answer and the problem at the same time.

Between the Lines

2010-07-29T04:33:00.001-07:00

There seems to be moments in one's life when one could say that they have experienced something or thought about something in such a way that now one is changed. We might use the word insight to describe this change. I underwent a series of thoughts to try and understand what might be happening within myself when this insight occurs.

To know one's self is to know change. Like the river that moves but is still a river. I am a collection of cells that constantly move and change yet is still recognizable as a human. This human is moving and it is with all my might of thought that I may try and stop or change this movement. Thought itself is born of the movement. For movement to stop so must thought.

Can thought change the movement? I tend to have the assumption that if I think about a certain idea long or hard enough, I can bring about this insight. Can I have a thought which then translates into something different happening to the cells of the body? Thought cannot stop the movement for it is itself a movement, but can thought change the movement? Which is then asking fundamentally can the movement change itself? We can see change over generations. When DNA from two animals of likeness merge together you have something new and different, with luck, more able to adapt to life's challenges than the previous two. But, can thought, which is a product of the whole movement of the body and its parts produce a change within the body so that something else, something new is occurring?

Is thought a product of the change? One other possibility is that one has a thought because the function of the body has changed. New pathways in a person's mind have formed and this could possibly bring about a new and different way of thinking. This idea is contrary to me who operates under the pretense that I have thought, I control my thought and I have the power to change the world around me and change the world within as well.

Is it possible, however, that the thought and the process through which this thought can occur happens at the same time? We tend to believe that because we have thought that we are the thinkers. The ones who think and the ones who produce change. Though, our thoughts are limited because without the body, the thought does not exist which essentially means that the body and thought are one. When the thought moves so does the body and when the body moves so does thought. They are not separate, but one. They move together just as my foot does not move without the leg moving as well. Did the foot make the leg move or did the leg make the foot move? Obviously neither.

As I was thinking and speaking with Tvrtko about this, I saw an image in my mind. An image which represents a power unknowable by the conscious mind. The darkness is the thing that brought about the change of mind and body. I wanted to try and convey what I could visually depict in my mind - the above picture is what came out of me. I cannot help but see images in this drawing which represent many different thoughts I have had over the past few months.

One thing seems clear; there is a lot more to life than conscious thought can grasp.

The Machine of Thought

2010-02-10T09:30:00.001-08:00

As part of a Yoga class I was asked to question and write about the relation of the mind body connection, if there is one at all. The following is what I came up with. I assume share it with you all as it quite well sums up what I have been doing here in Brockwood. Additionally, the school I am attending recently launched a revised website which you can view here http://brockwood.org.uk/home.html

It does seem true for me, when my body is dealing with something difficult, my mind suffers for it as well. When I ingest things that my body does not like or has a hard time dealing with, I find that I become irritable, irrational and at times angry. I can see quite clearly, especially in my most recent years of life, how important eating a "good" diet is for my mental health. It seems to follow logically for me then that having a body which is in good physical condition would help me to have a mind which is better adept at dealing with life.

Whether or not having a healthy body would then allow my mind to be more alert and awake, I have no idea. How does one determine this to be true? How do I even acquire any evidence to support such things? I am not sure there is any physical evidence one could gather which would support such a notion. I can only make assumptions as to how my mind would react to a particular situation if my body were in a state different from the present state under which the conditions apply. Having this been said, however, I do find myself answering in the affirmative to the stated questions. In general, I feel that if I have a responsive body which is capable of dealing with the hardships that it endures over time; a body that can quickly, and with little effort, assimilate the energy that it needs for proper functioning while simultaneously discarding and excreting the matter that it does not need or want, this would be a body with exponentially more energy to use for other processes. It is my assumption that this unused energy could be directed more inwardly towards ones own nature and how one reacts in the environment which it is presented. Having such energy may possibly mean that I could experience, notice and/or pay attention to things happening within and without me that otherwise may go unnoticed when the body and mind are using its energy for other things.

I do see one problem with everything that I have stated above though. The basis for these views and assumptions are precluded by the very first assumption that the body and the mind are two separate things. It seems we find it quite easy to assume what exactly the thing that I call "I" really is. The common view of what I is in the west assumes a separation between the machine, which is the body, and the thing that resides in the machine called "I". "I" am separate from the thing in which "I" am housed. Being separate we then can assume that actions taken on the machine have no effect on the "I". This line of thinking can be seen in many aspects of society and in the way that I personally view and treat my body. I have the basic view 'keep the machine well oiled with good fuel and the machine will take me far with little trouble'. It is certainly possible though that the thing which I call "I" is nothing more than the machine itself. Logically, this seems much more realistic and plausible to me. A machine which operates in conjunction with numerous other machines working together to give rise to that which we see, feel and observe around us. It may have been that once it was a machine that acted in harmony with others around it, at some point seemingly this machine recognized and became aware that it was functioning and could control things around it through a will in of its own. This state of self awareness has assumed itself to be an individual separate from that which it acts on and observes externally. Born out of this perceived process of 'will, action and consequence' were the seeds which gave rise to the conscious being which I call "I". A machine with the ability to make decisions for itself which have a perceivable and definable consequence which the I is able to observe. The I that acts on the things that it can see, but has no relation to. I have then taken this a step further and assumed the thing that is the machine which I call "I" is separate from the thing that I call my body. I can act on the body; I can change the body through thought and will. The assumption being that anything I can change through my will is not then connected to or a part of me. The thing that I call "I" is everything that I assume cannot be changed through thought and self-made will. And to change the content of the the immovable "I" would be to destroy the "I" altogether. Conscious will and action taken from the point of view of the "I" to change or otherwise alter the "I" would be in essence a sort of mental suicide. In essence, a thought to change the very thing called "I" which makes the thought is an assumed contradiction and is dismissed as soon as it is thought up.

So, long story a little bit longer: this machine believes that it may have the energy and the will to see through that which itself has created in thought if indeed this machine took better care of that which it calls its body.

Brockwood Park School: Mature Student Program

2009-10-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

I find myself to be completely disconnected from my old life back in California. There are times that I want to talk to friends and family members back home, but I just do not know what I might say to them. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am in a new place doing a new thing for reasons which I cannot fully explain and really do not enjoy explaining. I do feel quite guilty for being so disconnected from all my family and friends.

For those of you who do not know, I am in England attending a school called Brockwood Park. I am what is known as a Mature Student at the school. I have written an article for the school newspaper trying to detail exactly what a Mature Student really is. This will help to explain what I am doing here and perhaps why I have chosen to come.

Here is the article:

What are the Mature Students?
At Brockwood Park School, any permanent resident is given the title of Staff, Student or Mature Student. The role of Staff and Student is relatively straightforward as their titles' seemingly suggest what their purpose, goals and activities might entail. But what exactly is this person who is called a Mature Student? What does a Mature Student do? Why are they there? What do they provide and/or gain from the educational institution of Brockwood Park School? In order to convey the role of a Mature Student at Brockwood I must first give the context in which we all live.

What is now called Brockwood Park School was once a plantation/manor-house with supporting buildings owned by the local farming family the Mortons. In 1969 the Krishnamurti Foundation and Trust of England bought the buildings along with 40 acres of land and converted it to school use. Located in the county of Hampshire, England, Brockwood is a boarding school set in the countryside surrounded by fields, trees, rabbits, sheep and alike. During term time, the school is filled to its current maximum capacity with about 65 Students ranging in age from 14 to 19, and originating from about 25 different countries. The majority of Staff that teach at Brockwood, live at Brockwood along with the Students and Mature Students. Staff take on not only the role of teacher/educator, but the role of parent as well. Their duty is to raise a healthy individual with a mind and body capable of meeting life's daily challenges in a manner that does not restrict the natural ebb and flow of life, but rather compliment it.

The primary goal of the school, originally laid down by the founder, J. Krishnamurti, is to educate individuals to question all aspects of daily life; to not accept what others say is truth, but to discover for one's self what truth really is. The idea being that an individual who can perceive life as it is will be capable of living with no internal conflict concerning what one is and what one believes one should be. However, the manner in which this education is to be carried out is not written down in any manual or text that Staff can follow and abide by. Instead, it is left open for interpretation, discussion and attempted implementation. Additionally, the school is physically rooted in a society that demands it conform to certain rules laid down by government and, if a Student is University bound, by the strict entry requirements mandated from said bodies. These facts combine to create a very difficult task for the Staff members of Brockwood who try to balance their educational style with the realities of higher education and a form of education heavily emphasised by founder Krishnamurti. Staff members constantly find themselves stuck in the grey area between educating a student to fit into society as it stands and educating the student to create a new society born of the ideas stressed by Krishnamurti.

This different approach to education, and indeed to life itself, attracts people of all ages, experience, education and background. Krishnamurti's intention was not to educate only young students at Brockwood Park School. Rather, he viewed education as an on-going process that never stops no matter what age a person is. Thus born out of these ideas is what would become the present day Mature Student Program. Though not a firm rule, in general, the Mature Students are between the ages of 21 to 28 years old. There have been Mature Students older than 28 and there have been Staff hired younger than 28. Mature Students were originally termed "Open University Students", indicating that this was a program for individuals of a certain age who have already passed through their mandatory education and are choosing to continue their academic pursuits in the physical and religious realm of Brockwood Park School. At some point, this title was dropped and was replaced with the Mature Student title. Whether or not the original intention was to have Open University Students enrolled in a sort of external academic program while attending Brockwood is unclear. What I can tell you is that this is certainly not the case today. There is no pressure from Staff upon the Mature Students to pursue any kind of academic achievement. What then are the Mature Students expected to do if not study some kind of academics? After all, the term student seems to indicate some form of intentional learning goals.

There are a few things that the Mature Students are expected to do while living at Brockwood. Seemingly the most important practical role is the physical work that aides in the daily functioning of the school. Unlike the younger Students, Mature Students do not pay tuition to live at Brockwood. Instead, they work 20 hours a week which pays for their room and board. There is a lot of work to be done in the school, but usually a Mature Student will perform a job on any given workday in either the Kitchen, Vegetable Garden, Grounds, Maintenance, Housekeeping, Primary School Inwoods, Krishnamurti Center or Krishnamurti Foundation. Through the work, Mature Students are learning practical skills and knowledge from the job they are assigned to perform. The school does make an effort to allow each Mature Student to perform the job or jobs he/she is most interested in. Besides the work, it is expected that the Mature Students have, at the very least, a casual interest in the teachings of Krishnamurti and that they try to incorporate these teachings into their daily lives and relationships. Finally, it is stressed that the Students of Brockwood may look to the Mature Students as role models of sorts; Students may come and seek advice or help in personal matters. Mature Students fill the age gap that normally exists in traditional schools where perhaps the oldest student is 18 and the youngest teacher is in their mid to late 20s. Thus Brockwood exhibits a natural age range within its confines. Additionally, most Mature Students are not in an authority role over the Students which may make it easier for the two groups to form connections. Mature Students are therefore encouraged to develop healthy interpersonal relationships with Students provided the relations do not turn romantic in nature. Mature Students are then accepted or denied enrollment in the school on the grounds of their willingness and ability to work at and for the school, their interest in Krishnamurti, and on their ability to form and keep healthy relationships with all other members of the school. Besides these three points, after acceptance into the school, Mature Students are left to do what they please with their free time provided they do so within the boundaries of the law and the guidelines of Brockwood.

From a practical point of view, the Mature Students are essential to the operation of the school. Brockwood is always running under a very tight budget. There are jobs that need to get done and if there were no Mature Students to perform these jobs, it would mean paying someone to do it at the expense of the already heavily stretched school budget. So in this way, the Mature Students are needed by the school and are at times viewed simply as practical help by Staff and Students, and not much else. The typical Mature Student works five days a week for four hours at a time. This gives them plenty of time, even during their days of work, to do other activities of their choosing. They can opt to attend classes offered to Students provided the instructor allows them and it does not conflict with their work schedule. If a Mature Student is versed in an area or areas of study, they can choose to offer classes. Finding new staff to teach at Brockwood is a constant challenge. There are always new Staff coming and going and it is a welcome treat for the school if a Mature Student is willing and able to teach a class or two. Teaching will replace their normal work duty as long as it is under 20 weekly hours worth of work, however, preparation time for classes is not a factor in this calculation. Mature Students that do teach find themselves with much less free time compared to Mature Students that perform typical work duties for the school. So it should be clear now what the Mature Students are offering to the school. They have become essential and mandatory parts of the operation of the school. They fill the natural age gap which would exist if not for their presence which also adds a sense of completeness and wholeness to the family of Brockwood. They perform necessary tasks which the school has come to rely upon, including teaching. However, all this having been said, this does not explain why a Mature Student would come to Brockwood. Why have they chosen to attend Brockwood?

Every individual Mature Student has his/her personal reasons for choosing to come to Brockwood Park School. In general, however, I have personally observed that most Mature Students are in a search for something. What that particular something is may be different from individual to individual, but there does seem to exist a quality of trying to find answers to any number of life's questions. I do not wish to attempt to speak for all Mature Students and give a general, all-encompassing answer as to what we are all doing at Brockwood and why. I can only speak for myself.

When I am asked why I chose to come to Brockwood as a Mature Student, I tend to stare at the questioner with what I believe to be a confused face. It has been very difficult for me to convey my decision to come because no explanation could ever fully describe the reasons, feelings and intuition that accompanied this choice in my life. When I was about 13 years old, there began a feeling and sense of emptiness and incompleteness that existed in the fabric of my every day life and activity. I interpreted this feeling as a lack of happiness and satisfaction with life. Acting under this belief, I was forced to ask, if I am not happy what must I do to become happy? The next logical step after this thought was a move in the direction of pleasure. Pleasure and happiness seem to coincide together in the general thought of Western society. It seemed though that no matter what I did in this endless pursuit of pleasure, the feeling of emptiness persisted. This feeling did not change after I graduated from school and got a job. I was forced to ask myself, why? Why was I unhappy? I told myself that I had so many good things in my life; there are people that love me, I have a job that pays a lot of money, and I live in a country that allows me relative free movement and experience. The rest of the world should be so lucky, I thought, however I was still dissatisfied constantly. I quit my job and I left the country to travel the world thinking that if I leave everything I know and have grown secure in, then perhaps I will find something different and new...perhaps even something I was missing and failing to understand. I found that I did not leave my troubles behind when I left the country, rather I took them with me. I was forced to realize my troubles were within me and and not without me. It was during this period of travel that I was introduced to the writings and talks of Krishnamurti and to the existence of the Mature Student program at Brockwood. His words spoke about this feeling of emptiness and incompleteness. There seemed to be something of great value and importance in what Krishnamurti talked about. I arranged to have a perspective week at Brockwood. It was during this week that I had a moment in which I felt that it would be important in my life journey if I chose to come. If I had to give this feeling a name, I would call it a gut feeling or extra sensory perception. It was this feeling, much more so then any thought or idea, which persuaded me to come to Brockwood.

For me, Brockwood is a physical place where I am allowed the space and the time to explore myself fully, to be open and honest not only with those around me, but more importantly with myself. If I am to truly understand this feeling of emptiness it is essential that I explore myself without the need to change who I am in order to conform to what I believe others wish me to be. Brockwood is a place which tries to allow for this type of an environment to exist. I find myself surrounded by people who, at the very least, are receptive to the journey I am on if not able to completely understand and sympathise with my feelings and thoughts on the matter. Yet even with all of that said, I still have a feeling of emptiness and so I push on in my journey and continue my presence at Brockwood Park School.

Every Mature Student is present at Brockwood for their own personal reasons, but they are all gaining something from the school, be it simply practical experience from their work or something deeper and more difficult to explain. They provide an invaluable service and help to make Brockwood a complete and well-rounded institution. They are both teachers and students, but have the luxury of not being identified and categorized into either role. They are free to live life at Brockwood as please, only involving themselves in what personally interests them...as long as they have done their work.

Daniel Burgess
Mature Student '09-'10
Brockwood Park School

Cancer and Addiction

2009-07-04T08:14:00.000-07:00

In our society we tend to get the impression that in order to be happy in one's life you must do certain things in order to attain such a state. You must get a good job, make a lot of money, have a family, etc. Once you do all of these things then somehow, magically, you will be fulfilled and that void in the center of your being will cease to exist.

It is apparent to me now, that our society as a whole has no clue how to live life in a healthy and meaningful manner. In life, it does not matter what you do, who you are with, where you live; in order to be fulfilled and close that void in the center, you must realize that there is nothing you can do to close the void. There is no action or inaction that you can take which will force yourself into a state of happiness. There is no use trying to avoid fear or any part of life that is distasteful, in fact this only makes things worse. It is only a matter of knowing that life is truly simple in its mass complexity. The moment; the here and the now is where the mind must be if we are to ever survive as a species.

As far as we know, we are the only animal on the planet that is consciously self aware. This is our blessing and our curse. It means that we have the ability to see how our actions will alter our reality and change our future. The only problem being that we are all out to make our own lives better. "I" come first and everything and everyone else comes later. If you look at the the earth you realize that everything that exists here lives in a simple balance of extreme complexity. The life of one species is mutually beneficial to others and vice-verse. This is true for all species, except for ours. If mother earth was a body and a life in of itself, humans would be the cancer of that body. We are the cells gone astray. We are not helping or being beneficial to the whole, we are simply there taking all the resources around us and using them to grow larger and larger. There are only two possible outcomes when it comes to cancer; either the cancer kills the host or the host kills the cancer. Unless we change, we are on a pathway to our own destruction. A path that we can all clearly see coming, yet cannot avoid. We would like to avoid it, but we do not understand why we are on this path in the first place or how we got there.

We are much to busy trying to control the future...trying to set things up so that we will be happy tomorrow or the next day or a year from now. We do not even know what this word happy means. It is just some vague idea of what life might be like if everything were perfect. Most of us have not ever experienced this happiness that we can remember. However, there was a time when all of us experienced that which we all seek. Memory cannot hold this experience which is exactly why an individual cannot think themselves into a state of happiness. Thought is all based on memory, knowledge and experience. As soon as we realize we are in a state of happiness and ask ourselves why, that state ceases to exist. Thought must be taken out of the equation.

There is a reason why in a state of economic depression, one of the industries that actually saw a gain in sales is the entertainment sector. When people feel down and out they look for something to distract them from how they are feeling. This is the true root of addiction. How can a person turn down the idea that they can do something here and now that will take their mind completely off of that which is troubling them? When the mind is completely focused on one specific thing, (be it video games, a movie, rock climbing, gardening, biking, sex or any action) the mind is then not focused on that which is unsettling. Of course, these actions are perceived to be relatively harmless and of course people would be right. The action is not harmless, but it is the reason that you are doing these things that are. If these actions are used as an escape from the thoughts that you are trying to run away from, then it is a huge problem...one that is not addressed or even understood in society as a whole. This is why the drug wars will go on forever. As long as we do not understand the root of our problems, they will never get solved.

Why is there such a dichotomy when it comes to Marijuana? There is a call by a growing group in America to legalize Marijuana because it is not harmful and actually helps people who have chronic pain. These people say that pot is non addictive, while others say it is. Scientifically we know that pot is not chemically addictive and mind altering like alcohol and harder drugs out there. Yet all of us at some time or another have met a person who seems to be addicted to it. Marijuana, like everything else, is not free from it's addictive capabilities. It all depends on why you are smoking it. Is a person using it to run away from the thoughts that plague them or are they using it for something else? Pot is just the lightning rod which blatantly demonstrates our societies misunderstanding with the true root of the problem. Anything can be addictive if it is used to run away from fear...and we are all running.

Think About It

2009-03-15T11:26:00.000-07:00

I have recently come to realize that thoughts are that which plague and haunt my existence day in and day out. It is my thoughts and the way I think that is the direct contributor to the way I feel at any given time.

For the longest time I would always try to associate the way I felt to external stimuli. Perhaps I am having a difficult time with one of my friends, my back hurts, it is cloudy outside and I am not getting enough sun, my car needs work, I have this or that to do etc, etc, etc. I always operated under the assumption that it was the things that happen in my life that make me feel a certain way. It has now occurred to me that all of these instances and times where I place blame on circumstance have nothing to do with my feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, loneliness and so on. These feelings, or rather, states of mind are developed within myself by myself. My thoughts (the way I see and interpret the world in my head) are what makes me feel the way that I do.

If I never had a single thought I would never feel depression, anxiety or fear. When I say fear I am not referring to the fear that you experience when on a high ledge or when confronted by a dog that wants to attack your jugular, but the fear that is derived from thinking about the future or the past. Yesterday it hit me that my feelings of loneliness might be a plea for an escape from these thoughts. I am looking for someone to distract me from these thoughts and feelings that I am experiencing. In doing so actually using that person that you end up seeking out to temporarily relieve your problems.

How does one control thought? Is there a way to stop thought with thought? This seems to be impossible for me. After all, if thought is the very thing in which you are trying to control, thinking about it is counterproductive. This is what I have found myself doing for the last couple of days. Thinking about thought and not being able to control that which is haunting me at the present moment. I feel trapped in an endless loop. A loop that I am aware of, yet unable to manipulate or change. The more thought I give it, the deeper and deeper I am consumed with the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

When ones problem lies solely in that of the mind and is dependant on thought and thought alone, there is no consolation or comfort to be had from external sources. No person, place or thing can change that which you think. It is up to the individual alone to solve ones own problem. My problem is one of thought and I know of no way to change my thoughts other than to think about them which will inherently give power to the feelings that I have experienced now for years.

The Future Plan...

2009-02-15T17:04:00.000-08:00

When last I wrote in my blog I spoke about the feelings of anxiety and fear that I have been experiencing on a regular basis since my return home from my travels. I am at a point now where I understand these feelings much more then I did when I last wrote about them.

I can remember being in 5th grade and coming to the conclusion that if I did not go to college and get a "good job" (which meant a high paying job to me), then I would not be living up to the expectations of society or my family. I felt the pressure, even then, to do good in school and get good grades so that I could get into a good college and then get a "good job" so that I can be successful. It was in this thought that I began the planning of my future. My long term goal then was simple: be perfect at school. I needed to be perfect so that I could stand out above the rest of my peers. Needless to say this self imposed pressure took its toll quite quickly and I broke under the surmounting pressure as the years wore on as things became to much for me. I will not go into this because I have already spoken about it in previous blog posts at great length (see Understanding My Past). The reason I mention this again is only to point out that it was here that me thinking about my future life began and I suppose it has not yet stopped. More importantly, however, is that I began planning in my head what I needed to do in the here and now and in the future to attain success as society sees it. It is ever since this moment that I have always had a plan in motion that is working me towards my goal off in the distant horizon. Of course this goal has changed or been revamped as time goes on, but the point is that there was always a goal to be met and I was always working towards that goal in some form or fashion. That is, until I returned from my travels in November.

Once I returned home, almost immediately I began having feelings of anxiety and fear. These were not feelings that I was unaccustomed to. It was not long before these feelings were so overwhelming they were affecting every aspect of my life and I began to slip into a cycle of depression. The feelings that I was undergoing were not foreign, but there was something different about the severity of it all. No matter what was happening in my life or the choices that I made, the feelings only seemed to get worse as time drew on. I tried to keep myself occupied with volunteer work and chores in the hope that my mind would be relieved of the strain while I did things that benefited others. However, except for the time that I was with Irene, it seemed no matter what I did, where I was or what was going on I felt the walls closing in around me and my feelings got more pronounced and progressively more difficult to deal with. I went deeper and deeper in the cycle of depression to the point where I could not take it anymore. I came to the decision that everything in my life needed to stop. No more volunteering, no more needless chores, no more huge list of things that needed to get done. I decided that all my time and energy needed to go towards me getting healthy and climbing back up the ladder of depression. Shortly after making this decision the weight I felt in my head lifted somewhat and I was able to think a bit more clearly. I realised that a lot, if not all, of the anxiety, fear and subsequent depression that I have been going through is directly related to me not having an ultimate goal off in the distance that I am working towards. No longer was my future certain; no longer did I have something that my mind could hold onto to keep me from loosing all sense of direction and in doing so becoming surrounded by fear, doubt and helplessness. Fear that I will never become "successful". Doubt that I will never be content or happy in my life and the helplessness that then ensues from these thoughts. Since the age of 10 I had always had a plan and now at age 25 I am now starting to understand how this plan and the thoughts that go along with them have effected me and my life thus far.

With this new found understanding came the subsiding of the massive amounts of fear and anxiety that I had been experiencing on a daily basis. I came to understand that having no future plan in my life makes me afraid on so many different levels, but that I cannot run from that fear or attempt to stop it. Instead, by embarrassing this fear and not acting upon it in any way the fear dissipates. It is like FDR said...the only thing to fear is fear itself. I am thus learning to be comfortable with the fact that my life has no future plan. I am attempting to live life in the here and the now; to live life in the moment rather then for tomorrow or the next year or years. This concept is something that I have not done for the last 15 years, and I find it is extremely difficult for me. My mind seems to constantly be searching for what is going to happen in my future. It seems to be a habit for me...something so automatic that I do not realise that it is or has happened. There was a point when I was actually quite comfortable and perhaps even happy to feel as though I have nothing on the horizon that I am working towards. I felt as though it has freed me to enjoy the smaller things in life as they happen instead of being so preoccupied with the future that I miss out on things as they happen. I felt happy that I can be content in the here and now instead of waiting for the day when I finally can be happy once all my plans come together. This feeling proved to be short lived as I came to realise today that I have a plan, but not one that I feel I can easily dismiss. I feel quite conflicted about having a plan at all, but I feel this is an opportunity that I should not let pass by without exploring the possibilities. Allow me to explain.

Last year when I was staying with my cousin in England I was going through difficulties which I now understand also deal directly with the things I have stated above. I was going through such mental trouble that my parents took it upon themselves to send me two books full of talks and excerpts from the philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti. Since reading these books I have been intrigued by this man, his take on life and how he feels it should be lived. His words are very pointed, deep and profound and I find that his words have helped me to understand myself better. In my research of the man I came across a school that he founded in England. This school has a program for people my age and I applied to attend last year (their school term starts in August), however things did not work out and I was put on the waiting list for 2009. I have now been invited to come and stay at the school for a prospective week to see if I will fit in and for me to see if this is even something that I wish to do. It is now my plan to take a trip to England to stay at the school for a week. In doing so I have fallen back on that which I have known for the last 15 years wherein having a goal in the future gives me temporary releif from the fear that I would otherwise experience. I am glad that at least I can see and understand what is happening in my head as these events unfold.

I am looking at my future and I wish to see a blank slate. I do not want to have anything set in stone as it seems to dull the things that happen in the here and now, but this school may have something of worth for me there. I will not know unless I go and investigate.

The more time that passes, the more I cannot help but feel that everything in life happens for a reason. I do not know what those reasons are, but I feel as though everything that I have gone through and am going through is leading me to a place where I am meant to be. I just need a mind that is open and free enough to see it.

The New Blog

2009-01-09T08:03:00.000-08:00

Every day is a new day in the life of me. Upon waking up, it does not matter what I have done the previous day or days. I could have saved the world yesterday from a massive attack from aliens and it would not matter today. I am always concerned with what I am going to do today. Or rather in my head it typically goes something like: "What am I not doing right now that I should be doing?".

Life since I have returned home has been filled with a great deal of mental difficulty. On almost every morning since my return home I wake up and immediately I am filled with feelings of mass anxiety and fear. For the longest time I could not really tell why I was waking up and being overwhelmed with these feelings. My normal reaction to this has been to want to sleep longer in the hopes that I will then wake up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the new day. This, however, has not happened once yet. Typically if I do go back to sleep at all, I will then be bombarded with dreams of a terrible nature and the feelings that I have will increase in their strength and severity. This is quite unusual to me because I am very much accustomed to sleeping soundly and peacefully. For the last couple of years, sleep has almost always been the one thing I can count on to consistently make me feel good in my life. It seems now that this is no longer the case.

I have a long list of things I wish to accomplish that are either down somewhere on paper or in my mind. Over the last several weeks since my return home, I have not really been able to accomplish any of them. I believe that I now understand that the feelings that hit me as soon as I wake up, and then are a burden the rest of the day, are related to this list of things that I have yet to accomplish. I feel that this list has become my job. These are tasks that I do not really want to do, but rather things that I must do and in this thought, all of these tasks then become my job. However, this job has no breaks and no time off. It is a job that exists every day of my waking life and has since I have returned home...that is until this morning when I awoke to find myself without anxiety and without fear for the first time in what seems like a long time. Now it all makes perfect sense because today was the first day since I have returned home that I did not expect myself to accomplish any task during the day. Today I expect myself to do absolutely nothing in the way of my "job". Today is simply about doing what I want to do, when I want to do it and nothing more. There are no expectations that will not be met. There is no fear about falling behind in my perfectionistic, task oriented mind. In essence, today is my first day off from work for a long time. Oddly enough, having a day off has given me the insight and passion to write a new blog. Ironically, writing a blog has been one of the things on my long list of tasks that I need to do. So here I am in the morning of my "day off" doing something that I have told myself that I needed to do for a long time now, but have not because of the overwhelming and all consuming feelings of anxiety and fear that have been controlling my life.

Now I need to determine what I should do now that I am aware of what is going on in my head and what is the major contributing factor to how I have been feeling since my return home. I suppose my cognitive behavior therapy training might come in handy in this case. Lowering my expectations of myself while at the same time giving myself credit for the things that I do accomplish may help me cope. I am very harsh on myself, and I know this...yet I find it very difficult to be anything but my own harshest critic and worst enemy.

THE NEW BLOG:
I am back from my TREK around the world and now the holidays are over. The question on my mind is where do I go from here? I really have no clue. Will I travel again? Maybe. If I do travel where will I go? I do not know.

This blog was made specifically to chronicle my travels around the world and the experiences that I had as I did them. It seems to me though, that this blog has evolved beyond to be just about travel. It has become something much more personal to me. It is a way for me to express my feelings and emotions in a way which could not otherwise be possible. Writing allows me to express parts of myself that I could not otherwise express. It helps me to sort out my feelings and emotions and also allows me to give the people in my life a way to perhaps better understand who I am and why I do what I do.

With this in mind, I have renamed my blog and changed the main focus to be not about my travels, but about me and my journey through life. Not quite as exciting I guess, but whatever.

Home Sweet Home

2008-11-15T10:00:00.000-08:00

I have made it home safe and sound.

It feels quite awkward being back. I feel like I never left at times...then at other times I feel like I have been gone for years.

I will write a much longer and more extensive blog when I get some time to do so.

Flying Home

2008-11-12T19:26:00.000-08:00

Today is my last day in China before my scheduled departure home. I have a sneaking suspicion that something is going to go wrong on my way back. I am a little worried about my VISA because I am cutting it very close to the expiration date. I will be relieved once I am on the plane heading back to America, but for now I am holding my breath hoping that everything will be okay.

1/1000

2008-10-23T03:10:00.000-07:00

So I am now finished with my idea submission to Google's Project and the deadline for submission has passed. Looking at Google's Project 10^100 page now indicates that Google received over 100,000 submissions to the project. Only 100 ideas will be released to the general public to vote on in January. This means that I have less than 1 chance out of 1000 to get my submission into that top 100 project ideas. I have confidence in my idea, but 1/1000 is pretty stiff odds. It's not the lotto, but it is pretty intimidating.

I am concerned that my project might not touch enough peoples lives to be considered as a top idea. There are sure to be other ideas that would have direct effect on more peoples lives as compared to mine. I am excited to see what other ideas have been submitted; January cannot come fast enough. I have found some other submission ideas that have been posted online by the idea authors. So far I have seen about three or four. I am not the only one trying to promote my idea prior to January. UVOL needs the support of volunteer organizations and volunteers all over the world if it is to be a successful website. Therefore, I have started trying to spread the word about UVOL now. Even if it not chosen as one of the top 100 ideas, perhaps my own efforts to promote UVOL will open doors.

When the idea for UVOL first hit me, it was like a rush of mental craziness as my brain started thinking of all the possibilities for what can be included in the site and how it could change things. I do not think this idea would have formulated if not for Google's Project, however. Since I began writing my submission last month I have been going over in my head how I first started thinking about what eventually came to be my idea for UVOL. The idea was certainly born out of my personal frustrations in finding volunteer work which stem back all the way to my high school days. Over the years I have had numerous experiences which have led to the formulation of this idea. The most recent experience I am still...experiencing. Had I known exactly what the volunteer project here in Jiaozuo was like, I probably never would have come. Things here are very disorganized and I still have my doubts about how trustworthy the project coordinator is. If UVOL had existed when I was searching for volunteer positions in China, I would have known to steer clear of this project and would have had a much easier time in finding a more worthy project of my time. I must be thankful for this project though; it has allowed me the time and opportunity to spend many an hour working on my UVOL submission and it has directly contributed to my ideas about what UVOL will be and how it will work to solve the problems volunteers and project coordinators face.

Searching for a desired volunteer project is like trying to find a needle in a haystack; after a systematic and planned search you might find that needle after hours upon hours of relentless searching. The only problem is, you never really know how the particular project you find will be or what the people are like that run it. Many times it takes a leap of faith that the project is how it is made out to be in the description (just like I had to do with this project). Same thing goes for project coordinators that are trying to find volunteers as well; how can anyone be sure that a volunteer is trustworthy and will do the things that he/she says they will? With luck, UVOL will make things a bit more transparent in the volunteering world. This will instill confidence in projects and in volunteers allowing people to make more informed decisions. Hopefully this will allow more people to volunteer who otherwise would not even try.

In the world of technology, simplicity is king. UVOL aims to make volunteering simple which will help volunteerism penetrate into the minds of the mainstream masses.

Okay, enough about UVOL. In less than a week I will be in Shanghai. I am very excited to be moving onto the next thing here in China. I always hate goodbyes though. I am not looking forward to saying bye to people that I will probably never see again. Saying bye to one of my Tai Chi teachers will be especially difficult, I think. He and I have become quite good friends even with our very difficult time communicating with each other. He has been teaching me things about Tai Chi that he is apparently not supposed to. The Chinese culture is very interesting in this regard. From what I have gathered, their "secrets" and wisdom that has been accumulated over thousands of generations are only passed down through family or to very select individuals. It is only very recently in Chinese culture has this trend started to change and the open sharing of information been introduced into the minds of the Chinese people. My Tai Chi teacher's teacher is very upset with him that he has been teaching me the things that he has. Even though my teacher is being open with me by teaching me these Tai Chi secrets, he makes a point to tell me that I am not to pass on the things that I have learned even to other Chinese people that he considers friends. He says that they are not his students so they cannot be taught this information. I do not fully understand this concept and tradition, but I find it very fascinating. In any case, I am very humbled that he has accepted me as his student even though it is getting him in trouble with his teacher. It will be very difficult to say goodbye to him.

I will be taking a train to Shanghai, but I will not be immediately meeting up with my friend Alan in Shanghai. Alan's family own an apartment in Shanghai where I will be staying for a time, but at the moment there are some plumbing problems in the house and we cannot stay there until those are fixed. Upon my arrival to Shanghai on Monday, I will be staying with a couchsurfer. I am very thankful for the existence of couchsurfing and not just because I get to stay in wonderful people's houses for free. Couchsurfing has also played a part in formulating my ideas for UVOL. Anyway, I am looking forward to staying with another couchsurfer and I hope that one day when I have a place of my own I will be able to host people from around the world as well.

UVOL: Google's Project 10^100 Idea Submission

2008-10-18T01:47:00.000-07:00

I have been working long and hard on my submission to Google's Project 10 to the 100th. Thank you to everyone who has helped me along in this process, I greatly appreciate it. With luck, UVOL will come into being and make finding a volunteer position easier, faster and more affordable for all.

The document below contains the description of what Google's project is along with my submission to the project. If you cannot see the document below, click the following link or copy and paste the text into your browsers address bar:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/7196515/UVOL-Googles-Project-10100-Idea-Submission

UVOL - Google's Project 10^100 - Idea Submission - Upload a Document to Scribd

The Wuzhi Project Faliure

2008-10-07T17:30:00.000-07:00

I have a little over two weeks to go before I travel to Shanghai to meet up with my friend Alan. In the scheme of things, two weeks is nothing and will pass in the blink of an eye. It sure does not feel like that right now though.

I feel as though I am wasting my time here at this project. There is not much for me to do. Even when I do teach English it is for 2 hours at most in one day. The rest of the time here is spent trying to think of things to do which could occupy my time so I do not go crazy. The problem is, I do not have much energy and things that I could be doing I do not feel like committing any time or energy to. I could be spending a lot of my time trying to learn Chinese, like I was hoping to do before I came here to China. At this point though, I feel it would be a waste of time. I do not foresee myself coming back here to China after January and I also am not interested in teaching myself to learn a language. I have been spending a considerable amount of time learning Tai Chi in the early hours of the morning and in the evening. I find this to be a good experience. I do not particularly care for the ideas or philosophy behind Tai Chi, but I find it to be a good way to wake up in the morning, stretch, and keep my body in a healthy condition. I think I have been overdoing it a bit though; my left leg is currently injured. It started out as a small pull and eventually then complicated some other parts of my leg as well. I choose not to do any Tai Chi last night or this morning and I probably will not do any tonight either in the hopes that my leg will be well enough to wake up for some Tai Chi tomorrow morning.

Overall this volunteer project is not what it is said to be. It has potential to be a great volunteer experience and benefit a lot in the local community, however, the people that are currently running the program (which is Yao as far as I can tell) seem to be focused only on what can make the program money which at this point is just teaching English to a few school children. Yao is trying to liaison with others in the community here in Jiaozuo to expand the number of students that are taught, but it does not seem to be going very well. There are many other things that volunteers who come to this program could be doing to help the local community, but it seems that if it is not making any money for the project, Yao is not interested in it. This project seems doomed to failure if this trend continues as it certainly will not attract any foreign volunteers and people here in China are not even familiar with what the word volunteer means. Working for nothing is not a concept that Chinese are familiar with so the likelihood of finding people here in the community that would be willing to volunteer are slim to none.

I have to hand it to Yao and his girlfriend, Wangsha,though for their very kind nature in letting me stay with them. Even though I am doing very little for the program in terms of volunteering, I am staying with them for free. Wangsha cooks food for me on many days and they even just bought another computer because I was spending so much time on their laptop. Actually, they take care of so much for me, I am becoming quite lazy in a lot of ways; a feeling that I hate and is contributing to my not wanting to be here at this project anymore. I would leave this very instant if it was not for the kids that I am teaching English. There are two kids in particular that I have been teaching which are very keen to learn as much as they can. When I leave, I will miss them both and I hope that my time and effort in their English education will help them in the future. I do hope that one day they will both be able to venture outside of China to an English speaking country to see what the West has to offer them.

This experience in Jiaozuo at the Wuzhi project, coupled with many previous experiences with regards to volunteering and finding a volunteer project, has given me first hand experience with the difficult nature and, at times, all consuming task of finding a volunteer project that best suits me. Yao's project does not really suit me, and I know that now, but only after coming here and experiencing it first hand. These experiences have given me an idea for a website that, if successful, will make volunteerism a much easier and manageable task for not only would be volunteers like me, but for projects who are trying to find people as well (even here at the Wuzhi project). I have been spending a considerable amount of time writing up a project proposal that I will be submitting to Google's Project 10 to the 100th. If you have not heard about it, check it out here.

Many of you who read my blog on a regular basis have already seem some version of my project proposal. Thank you all for your feedback and input on the proposal. It is hard taking a step back and looking at my idea from an objective standpoint and you all have helped me in doing that, so again Thank You! I will be posting a blog with the final version of my proposal once it is finalised for all to see. With luck, my project will be chosen by Google as one of the 100 ideas that will be voted on by the public starting in January. I am hoping that with the exposure through Google's project, this website will become a reality and finally make it easy and fast for people to find volunteer projects and for projects to find the people that they need regardless if it is a domestic or international project. I am very excited by the possibilities of what this website has to offer volunteerism everywhere. The hard part will be convincing everyone else of what it can do and that is why I have been spending a lot of time trying to get my proposal just right.

It was bound to happen, and I suppose I am lucky that it happened now instead of earlier in my trip. My camera has died. I am sad to say that I will probably not be posting any more pictures from my time here in China. This is quite unfortunate since I will be traveling with Alan in Shanghai and Beijing. The great wall, the birds nest, the temple of heaven, the summer palace: all places that I will not have pictures of. Hopefully Alan and his mom will have a camera and I can take some shots that I can post after my return home. For now though, enjoy the last of the pictures:

China

Homebound Thoughts

2008-09-27T01:43:00.000-07:00

I take very few showers here in this apartment. The water they use for the shower is solar heated, which is basically another way of saying it is cold water. I guess it is a very good way to conserve on energy, both in gas and in water because you rarely use any of either. I assume I am smelling pretty bad at the moment, but luckily I have a cold and cannot smell much of anything.

When last I blogged, I was not very sure about the place that I was staying in nor about the people that I am staying with. I am still not really sure about either, but I do know now that I will, most likely, be staying here for another month in Jiaozuo. Late in October I will travel to Shanghai and meet up with an old friend of mine, Alan and his mother. They will be on vacation for a about 3 weeks. I will stay with them and travel to Beijing with them as well. I am extremely excited to be meeting up with Alan. Prior to me leaving for this leg of my travels in February, I was trying to meet with as many of my friends and family as I could before I left. Alan was one of the people that I tried to connect with before I left, but was never able to. I am not sure how many years it has been since I have seen Alan, but it has been a very long time. It is nice that I will also be going to back to Beijing because there are many things that I intended on seeing when I was there, but never got the chance to. Being with Alan and his mom will also be a welcome change since they are people that I implicitly trust; I cannot say that about the people that I am living with now, unfortunately.

After my travels with Alan and his mother, I will be returning home for the holidays. I booked my flight and I will be returning to San Francisco International on November 14th. I cannot really explain what it feels like to know that I will be traveling home so soon. In a way, I do not really believe it. All this time that I have been away, I have been thinking about the day that I would return home and under what circumstances that would happen. My mind has run through countless scenarios about when, where, how and why this would happen. Pointless scenarios, yet that is what my mind does. So to now know the answers to those questions, it is almost as though my mind is just discounting these thoughts as mere possibilies of a return home and not the reality of actually coming home.

I do not know how long I will be home for. There are many ideas in my head for what I can do. I am just going to wait and see how I feel once I am home. There are to many what ifs that are still floating around for me to be able to know what is going to happen. My main goal will be to spend as much time as I can with my family and friends as possible. I want to see everyone and I am looking forward to being home for the holidays at the very least.

I am also very excited that by the time I get back everyone will know who the next President of the United States will be. I watched the first of the presidential debates today. This debate was much more tame then I remember the debates of Gore/Bush and Kerry/Bush being. Both candidates seemed to be very respectful towards one another, which took me by surprise. Since leaving in February, I have been very disconnected with the general feeling of the country on the elections. As I travel I have had many, many people ask me about who I thought was going to win and who I wanted to have win the election. I found it somewhat strange because this is not a conversation I am used to having in America. We in America seem to feel it is off limits to talk about politics unless you are very good friends with the person you are speaking to. It was nice to be able to have these conversations freely without worrying about offending anyone. Anyway, prior to me leaving I had no reservations in saying that Obama was going to wipe the floor with McCain. Although, it was hard to be able to say that as of late considering just how long I have been away and how disconnected I am with the feelings of other Americans. After watching the debates though, I feel I can state once again that I believe there is only a slight chance that McCain will be victorious. Obama is certainly the stronger candidate and the McCain campaign is not anywhere near the caliber of what the Bush campaigns were in 2000 and 2004. Next week will bring the debate between the vice president candidates which will be very interesting for me to watch. I have been very distant and disconnected from all the controversy surrounding Palin. I do not know very much about Biden either so it will be an educational experience for me to see the two duke it out. One more note on the elections: I can say that if McCain were to win the presidency, many people in many countries around the world will pretty much write off Americans as being naive, ignorant, and/or just plain stupid based off of many conversations that I have had with people about it. Many people in the countries that I have visited are still very confused about why the American people elected Bush into a second term and they are very afraid that we will elect McCain.

The other day I was walking through the streets of Jiaozuo trying to find some good things to take pictures of (there really are not that many I have found). While walking, this chinese girl comes up to me out of no where and starts talking to me in broken English saying she wants to be my friend. I said, okay. So now I have a friend here in Jiaozuo named Nana. We do not always understand each other because she has only taken 2 years of English, but we figure it out most of the time. She is a very nice person and has since taken me to her families house. Nana's mom cooked me a huge welcoming meal full for delicious food and I met her brother and her brother's friends who also speaks some English. They were very excited to see a foreigner, and of course, asked to take a picture with me. I am looking forward to spending some more time with my new friends in Jiaozuo. I trust them more than the people I am staying with.

Things with Yao and his girl friend are pretty much the same as when I got here. I am occasionally helping to teach English. When I am not teaching English...which is very often, I am reading and on the internet, of course. However, I have been spending a lot of time learning Taichi. I have been waking up at 5:30 in the morning and riding Yaos scooter a couple of miles to a square where a very nice 74 year old ex-doctor is teaching me Taichi. Then in the evening around 8:30 or so, I am learning from another Taichi master. Taichi is much more difficult then I every imagined it would be. When I was working for BART in Oakland, I used to watch the Chinese community come out in the early morning hours to do Taichi. It never looked all that hard when I used to watch. So it came as quite a surprise when I started just to do some "warm up" exercises the first day and was sweating and in pain just from stretches. Only after a few days though my body is feeling very good and I can tell that it has helped me out quite a bit. I feel like I am standing up straighter in general. Prior to me starting Taichi, my back was hurting a lot and felt very weak in general. After two days of Taichi my back stopped hurting and feels strong again. It is good stuff this Taichi and I hope to learn a fair amount of it prior to returning home. Hopefully I can continue with what I have already learned once I am back, and perhaps find a teacher near home where I can continue learning. I think, if it was not for the Taichi, I probably would not be staying here with Yao and his girlfriend as I do not feel like I am being very productive as a volunteer.

I have added some more pictures to my China album:

China

International Man of Mystery

2008-09-19T04:38:00.000-07:00

I think I now know what it feels like to be a celebrity. Walking around in China everyone pays attention to me constantly. People stare, point, take pictures, whisper to eachother. It is an odd sensation to be the center of attention no matter where you go. Beijing was not all that bad. I ran into other white people every once in a while there. We would then stare at eachother like we too had never seen a white person before in our lives. For some reason, we would not speak to eachother just stare. Such an unusual social experience, China.

Now I am in a city named Jiaozuo. Every chinese person calls this a small city. To me there is nothing small about it. There are people everywhere. I have been told this is a city of 600,000 people. In relative terms, that is not that large. Fremont is a city of 210,000 people. I would say that there are about 50 times as many people on the streets of Jiaozuo then there are in Fremont. The proportions just do not make sense to me. It crossed my mind that it may feel like this simply because there are more people walking or on bikes or scooters here then there are in Fremont. I then looked at how many cars were on the road and there seemed to be more of them as well. The numbers just do not add up. This city feels more like it holds a couple million. Who knows what the truth is. Lets just say there are a lot of people where I am staying and they all stare at me. It is funny to see their faces as I pass by on a scooter; some of them seemed so shocked at what they are witnessing.

Yesterday I went on a tour of a couple of hospitals, an orphanage and an old folks home. Everywhere I went I was being treated like a VIP. Processions of people were following me everywhere. A young woman's only job seemed to be to take pictures of me as I walked around and was shown areas of one of the hospitals. I am not even really sure what I was doing in these areas. My only thought was that at some point I might be doing some volunteer work in these places at some point. The old folks home could really use some help. Even just to organize some people to come and spend time with the people who live there. They seem very estranged and bored. I tried to put forth ideas of organizing some days to come down and spend time with these people. Ideas that did not seem to sit very well with Yao, the person whose house I am staying with and the person that I was warned about before coming here.

It is still to early to tell exactly how things are going to go here at this "volunteer position". I hesitate to call it that at this point. I suppose I am volunteering my time, but so far the only volunteering I have done has been spent with two young boys on two separate occasions. Basically I speak with them and try to get them to use their English that they have already been taught. It helps them to hear a native speaker and it seems like they might enjoy it at times. I am still not exactly sure what else I am going to be able to do here other then that. It seems that Yao really wants me to teach english and only english. I am not sure what his intentions are and there are some communication difficulties. I ask a question and it does not seem like he understands what I am asking. Or perhaps he does understand it and he deflects it. It is very difficult to tell.

I have been able to determine that Yao cares a lot about this project and its future. He hopes to turn this project into a self-sufficient volunteer project that has enough money to operate and a constant flow of volunteers both from within and without China. At this point, I am the only volunteer in the project and I am living with Yao and his girlfriend. Yao is very intelligent and cares about the people here in China both young and old. I do get the feeling that there are things that he is not telling me about. However, I am not sure if that is because he does not know how to say them or because he fears what I may do with the knowledge. It is very clear to me that Yao wants me to stay for as long as possible. He goes out of his way to make sure that I have everything that I may want or need. Well, he makes his girlfriend go out of her way, anyhow. I do not like the way in which he treats his girlfriend at times. I am not sure if it is just cultural differences or if he just has a little domestic violence in him. From my point of view he treats her very poorly. He makes her do things which she does not really want to do. His girlfriend picked me up from the train station when I arrived here, come to find out that he basically forced her to come get me. Yao told me that he was the one who would be picking me up. Later that night, Yao and I were going to go out to dinner but his girlfriend did not wish to go along and wanted to stay home. I cannot speak Mandarin, but I understood that through his words he basically forced her into coming along. I do not like this behaviour, but I am not sure if this is the norm in Chinese culture. Actually, I am not even sure if I care if it is the norm or not. Even if it is normal in all of Chinese culture, I still feel like it is wrong and that Yao needs an attitude adjustment.

I am not sure if the people of China know what stars look like. It is so polluted in this country that you can never see the stars. I am spitting much more then usual in an attempt to get all the crap out of my mouth. It scares me to think that the pollution is only going to get worse here before it gets any better. I hesitate to think what worse will turn into. I never feel clean here. I am constantly thinking about the pollution and about how much pollution is in the food that I am eating or what kind of bugs might be in the water that was used to wash the vegetables that I am about to put in my mouth. Bottled water seems to be a norm though, which is great. I just hope that it is bottled in a part of china that is clean.

Toilets in this country are just plain odd. The traditional western style toilet is a rarity in public places. It seems as though people have them in their homes, but every public toilet I have been to has been a squat pot, as they are so lovingly called. These are basically holes in the ground. One step above a port-a-potty...they smell about the same though. Actually, port-a-pottys might even be better considering there is normally toilet paper in them. In America, before I left the house, I would check my pockets to make sure I had my keys, wallet, and cell phone; here it is wallet, keys, toilet paper. If you are caught out and about in China without toilet paper on you, things can turn ugly pretty quick. I am crossing my fingers that I do not get a stomach sickness while I am here in this country. I just cannot image what would happen if I am in some squat pot in the middle of no where without toilet paper when I need an entire roll, meanwhile a mob of people are waiting outside the bathroom to take my picture.

Here are some pictures from China and I also added some more pictures to the Germany album as well:
http://picasaweb.google.com/ddb123/China#
http://picasaweb.google.com/ddb123/Germany#