For my more appropriate takes on the impact of the realtime, social web, see my other blog:

Tweetage Wasteland- Confessions of an Internet Superhero

WINNERS

Sheen

John Cryer

Hookers

Coke Dealers

Liquor Stores

Defense Attorneys

Pimps

Divorce Lawyers

Ex-Wives

The Contractors Working on Jon Cryer’s House

Hookers Turned Extortionists

Crisis Management Firms Hired by CBS

Prenup Writers

People Who Insist America is on the Decline

Investors Who Shorted CBS and Time Warner

Judges on the Take

Guys who get drunk and insist they’re as funny as those idiots on TV

LOSERS

Viewers

People who, at a recent dinner party, argued that this is the golden age of television

Anyone who has appeared on, written for or been associated with any show that’s shared a medium with Two and Half Men

Lawyers who bet they could proofread an entire contract without cracking up

Parents whose six year-old says to them, “Wait, I don’t get why this is funny.”

People who loved Jon Cryer as Duckie in Pretty in Pink and inadvertantly wondered what he’s up to these days

Really funny comedians who never got their pilots picked up

People who already hated Mondays

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Reminder: Check out the new blog, Tweetage Wasteland.

We All Have Photographic Memories – Do your kids remember experiences or photos of experiences?

I’m a Web Analytics Junkie – Think facebook is addictive, try this.

Is the End of Privacy the End of Shame? – Can shame survive when everyone gives up their privacy?

My Kids Refuse to Go Viral – Why can’t they be more like that kid David on the way home from the dentist?

My head is in the Cloud – the most popular post by far.

The Blind Side

I came across a minority kid who was uneducated, down on his luck and weighed about 370. Then I had a really unique and crazy idea: What about football?

The Hurt Locker

I risked my life for this country more than 800 times. Then I come home and, what, no Fruity Pebbles?

A Serious Man

To learn what it’s really like to be Jewish, you can spend a few weeks analyzing the talmudic references in this movie, or you can just visit oldjewstellingjokes.com for about 5 minutes.

District 9

Wouldn’t it have been cool if we merged movies and the main guy from District 9 was the fourth friend who was missing for much of The Hangover? (An aside: Was I the only one who left the theater thinking, “Man, that little alien child behaves a lot better than my kids…”)

Inglourious Basterds

How much more popular would history class be if all history were written by a husky kung fu movie addict hopped up on cocaine and ho hos?

Precious

Moving, painful and gut wrenching. Bottom line, if you can get through this whole movie without looking away, you’re (probably) ready to watch the Barbara Walters interview with Monique.

Crazy Heart

During Bridges’ speech I wondered whether – after all this time since the Big Lebowski started filming – maybe one of the Coen brothers should finally yell “cut.”

……..

Reminder: I am doing almost all of my writing over at Tweetage Wasteland, Confessions of an Internet Superhero.

“What state is Boise in?”

And they answer:

“Idaho.”

And you say:

“You are? Really?”

Get it?

I da hoe

Introducing…

Tweetage Wasteland: Confessions of an Internet Superhero.

Even the most skeptical will have a hard time disagreeing with this analysis of the options. See for yourself:

1. Any medical instruments accidentally left inside your body cavity during surgery are yours to keep.

2. The several hundred people Steve Jobs cut ahead of on the liver transplant waiting list will all get a free Nano.

3. You still have to turn your head, but as a cost-cutting measure, a guy in Bangalore who calls himself Larry will handle the cough.

4. Regardless of my friend Mordy’s heartfelt steam room proclamations to the contrary, scrotum size is not the new penis size.

5. The release of two pieces of classified data: The prostate digital exam doesn’t actually test for anything. And that guy with the white coat is not really a doctor.

6. Barring any last minute ammendments, Rifka Bergenbaum’s daughter will finally marry a nice doctor.

7. You know that front desk person who puts you on hold even when there’s no one else on the line or in the office, lies about being out of vaccines, and when you called reporting chest pain told you that the next available appointment was in three months? She’s going to appear in front of a Congressional panel where she’ll finally admit she wants you dead.

8. Inspired by Elin Nordegren, all Emergency Medical Technicians will now be required to carry a nine iron in their ambulances.

9. Olbermann will name an itchiness he’s had in is ass for two years as the worst person in the world and start a new end of show countdown: “It’s been fourteen days since I was promised some decent cream.”

10. White House crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi admit that, even after several tries, they still can’t get past the receptionist at my doctor’s office.

Elin Nordegren has historically been embarrassed at her lack of golf skills, routinely coming up with excuses why she won’t be available to play a round with some other PGA spouses.

Tiger urged her to practice. But this practice had to take place beyond the sight of curious onlookers who might out Elin as a non-golfer. Last week, during one of her many middle of the night sessions, Nordegren accidentally let a club sail from her hands. The club flew over the roof of the couple’s Florida mansion and smashed the back window of their SUV.

Nervous about the potential of the neighbors going on Larry King Live and letting the whole world know his wife can’t hit a decent drive to save her life, Tiger rushes to the garage, starts the vehicle, and after a brief strategic conversation with caddy Steve Williams, smashes the shit out of the car by slicing it into a tree and playing a perfect bunker shot into a fire hydrant.

All was going fine until people started getting suspicious. The rumors of domestic violence were just a little too close to the reality of Elin’s poor athleticism.

Tiger made attempts at the tried and true distraction methods such as cryptic website posts and avoiding the cops, but it seemed hopeless. Soon every PGA wife on the tour would know that Tiger’s wife had no skills.

So, in a last ditch effort to save the reputation of his wife, Tiger put on his green jacket and started fucking a bunch of people. And so far, it seems to be working.

Sorry US Magazine and TMZ, you’ve been played by the master.

After about two minutes of Ozzy being Ozzy, he suddenly decides he’s had enough of the video. And this is a sensation he never has when it comes to just about any video content. He can be watching a teeth whitening infomercial and burst into tears when he hears it’s time for bed.

But this time he said stop. He said he’d rather listen to that song about the guy who lives in the pear (that’s Bon Jovi’s Living on a Prayer to you and me).

I smelled victory. No more Ozzy.

The next morning over french toast, my son looks up and asks if we can listen to Iron Man. So I say, “But I thought we decided that song was sort of terrible?”

And he says, “No Dadda, we decided the song was really good. It’s just that guy who is terrible.”

Oh, oh, we were halfway there…

Thankfully, since last weekend, the only thing he wants to listen to is Tom Morello and the Boss doing Ghost of Tom Joad at MSG.

Think about it.

You’re Maurice Sendak. You’re at a dinner party (anywhere, really). Someone you’ve never met tries to strike up a conversation.

Them: So what do you do?

You: Oh, me? I write children’s books.

Them: Really? Anything I might have heard of?

After season three, I now wonder if the accolades can ever live up to the insane quality of the show. My wife insisted, about midway through the season finale, that I publicly apologize to the show for having called it overrated in the past. I apologize (but I am, in part, thinking about the January Jones GQ cover as I do it).