Be helpful, not hurtful…

It seems so simple.

Recently, however, she forgot about this little lesson and joined in some elementary school hijinks with a few friends.  It involved ‘teasing’ one of our neighbors with some not so helpful, rather hurtful statements.  This is certainly not how I raise my girl to behave and our talk about this sequence of events later that day helped her see the connection between the statement, “Be helpful, Not Hurtful” and her decisions and actions.  She tried to point fingers at her friends but it came down to being HER decision as to what action to take.

I wonder how many people make a conscious effort to ‘be helpful’ throughout their days. 

How can you be helpful, not hurtful?

When I asked my daughter this question she shared the following answers…

• I can say nice words to the people I see every day.
• I smile at everyone I see and sometimes they tell me it made their day.
• When other people are hurt I can go help them.
• I can help younger kids cross the street.
• I can help others to be helpful instead of hurtful.

She came up with these few items in just a few minutes… what can you come up with?  Leave your comment now.

Sincerely,
Darren Sproat

That is, until a possibility to relight the flame of one of those past passions presented itself. 

My attention, most recently, has turned to reigniting the passion with my ex-wife, Cheryl Sproat.  Her and I have known each other since the fall of 1988… I knew there was something special about her the moment I met her.  I wasn’t sure what it was at the time but I can say, today, it was her smile, her laugh, and her attitude of loving life, family, friends, and so much more no matter what came at her.

We would hang out occasionally as we shared some mutual friends.  I remember meeting her with a friend at the mall on my 17th birthday.  Not long after that, I found the courage to ask her if she would go to a movie with me.  It was December 3, 1988, I was nervous, I wanted her to like me as more than a casual acquaintance… She said yes and we decided to take in Mel Gibson’s latest at the time… ’Lethal Weapon’.

There started a wonderful friendship that gradually grew into an incredibly amazing, inspiring, and loving relationship.  We would spend more and more time together until it became pretty clear that you wouldn’t see one of us without the other…

We got married on August 3, 1996 and immediately wanted to start a family.  We both very much wanted to be parents.  The problem, we discovered, was that it was very unlikely Cheryl would ever be able to get pregnant naturally.  There is a long story there but I can admit that through it all we were each other’s rock.  With a little help from In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), Cheryl was able to get pregnant.  Later in the pregnancy, we found out we had been blessed with twins, one boy and one girl.  We both thought our perfect little family was all there.  Her pregnancy was ‘textbook’ as far as a multiples pregnancy goes.  Finally, on September 5, 2001, along came a beautiful, healthy little girl, MacKenzie.  Our boy, Michael, would not make it through delivery and is now MacKenzie’s guardian angel in heaven.  For more on MacKenzie and Michael, see: He is in our Hearts, Daddy.

There’s no doubt MacKenzie’s birth and Michael’s passing changed our lives…there’s something about becoming a parent that is so empowering and right…and there’s something about losing a child that is so deflating and wrong.  It wasn’t long after MacKenzie was born, however, that my relationship with Cheryl changed.  We, as a couple, were merely existing instead of really living.  Before, circumstances rarely determined our attitudes or moods and we lived and loved to the fullest.  With MacKenzie a part of our lives, we both felt incredibly blessed… what an amazing addition to our family that little miracle was.  During this period, however, life had become so routine that we felt we were merely taking up space, simply existing.  We were both very present for our daughter, of course, but something was missing in us.  Something wasn’t right.

Tensions between Cheryl and I grew and we began living our lives separately… not physically separate but emotionally and spiritually separate.  We recognized this and passed around the idea of engaging couple’s counselling or other means of working our way through what I considered to be a bump in the road.  I thought we owed it to ourselves, each other, and our amazing little girl, to work as hard as we could to reignite the passion we once had for each other.

It wasn’t long before we recognized that our hearts simply weren’t in it and we thought we would have to separate in order to build a positive home(s) for our little girl.  I remember thinking, “How could I love so deeply someone who refused to love me back.”  Cheryl and I separated and commenced our lives apart.  MacKenzie, although very disappointed, was quite resilient to all the changes going on around her.

I have some pretty amazing friends and family members who supported me through so much of the rollercoaster that has been the last 2-3 years of my life.  With their help, I didn’t allow the changes going on around me to influence my happiness.  I’m not going to say I didn’t have any sad days or that a bitter or resentful thought never went through my mind, but, thanks to amazing friends, an amazing employer, and an amazing family, I was able to focus my attention on what mattered.  I could focus on me and ‘create my little piece of happy’ along with building a positive, supportive home for my daughter and I.  At the same time, Cheryl was able to identify for herself who she was and wanted to become.

There were some very trying moments.  There was finger pointing and threats.  There was mistrust.  I refused to allow bitterness or resentment to become a routine in my life and chose to focus on that which I was grateful for… there was so much, afterall, to be grateful for.  I didn’t allow additional financial commitments or other personal and professional challenges to change who I wanted to be.  I can’t say I wasn’t hurt because I was… I had put everything into my relationship with Cheryl.  What I can say, however, is that I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself and certainly didn’t want others to feel sorry for me.

Late in the summer, perhaps early fall 2009, I was dropping my daughter off at Cheryl’s place and something occured to me.  I had REALLY let go.  I spoke breifly to Cheryl and shared with her that I hoped she could find the peace she was looking for, that I wished for her only the very best, and that I had let go.  I shared with her that our success as a couple will not be measured by the failure of our marriage but by how we choose to raise our little girl… I shared with her that I had forgiven her and I asked that she forgive me.  I told her that, for as long as she would let me, I would be her friend.  I told her that her happiness is a decision away.

From that moment forward I recognized a change.  I didn’t know what it was or even if our previous conversation had anything to do with it, but our communications from that point forward were less stressed.  When we did talk we smiled, we laughed… we started sharing little pieces of our lives with each other again.  Both of us had been ‘dating’ if it could be called that and both of us had released each other and, as importantly, ourselves from the burden of our failed marriage.  Most of all, however, we both gave the other the space we needed to really determine who we wanted to become.

It was a cold day in January when we met so I could drop off some of MacKenzie’s things.  I had picked up a few coffees and we sat in my truck enjoying some conversation and laughs.  I looked at her and told her that I was proud of how we had grown past the bitterness and the next words out of her mouth would introduce another major change in our lives… she said, “Yes, Darren, we make a pretty good team, don’t we?”  There was something in her this cold morning that I hadn’t seen in years, something warm… it was a smile, a REAL smile!

I don’t think I could pinpoint when things started feeling right again… or, for that matter, FEELING at all.  But, we made great strides together when we found it in ourselves to forgive and move on… to release ourselves and eachother… to stop feeling sorry for ourselves… to focus on ourselves first.

Today, Cheryl and I are back together.  The passion has returned, the feeling has returned… it wont be easy rebuilding our lives, we recognize that, but we have a renewed commitment to each other and a renewed lease on our relationship.

I wish to thank all who regularly read and contribute to this blog.  Your many comments, e-mails, and contributions are true blessings and I am looking forward to many more.

Leave your comment and stay tuned…

Darren Sproat

Posted by Ms. Tausha.  Ms. Tausha is a regular contributor on Keeping It Real.  You can find her on Twitter and YouTube.

The other night I was on the phone with a good friend of mine who is also in the music business.  I recalled our previous conversations when we first began networking. When he would refer me to certain people to get things done he would tell me, “My name is your leverage.” Simply by affiliation, I would be able to gain access to certain people and areas I otherwise would not be able to gain access into.

The following day, after our conversation, I googled my friend’s name just to see what new articles were out there about him; there were pages and pages of articles, interviews, etc. On a whim, I then googled myself; to my surprise there were pages and pages of things that held MY NAME. At that moment, I came into full realization of something: first and foremost, my “leverage” is the name of Jesus; there is no other name that will open up doors for me. Second, I have FINALLY come to a place in this journey called life where I’ve found ME. I stand on my own. Before Christ, I strived to develop relationships with certain types of people. For instance, the types of men I wanted to date were always the ones who had a popular name; everybody knew them; every woman wanted them. I believed that my identity was found in the people I surrounded myself with. When I was at an event where I was meeting and greeting different people, I would introduce myself as being affiliated with that person; it was never just, “I am Tausha”, it was always, “I am Tausha, so and so’s friend.”

Do not get me wrong, I do know there are people that God has placed in my life to assist me in accomplishing what He wants me to accomplish in this earth; however, those people are sent by God. I no longer desire to seek out relationships with certain people in order to appear important; in order to feel like I am somebody. As I received this revelation in my heart, I was absolutely blown away! The power, the prestige, the identity that I so adamantly sought out in those men I have right here in me! And it’s been in me, I just had to realize it. Through Christ, I am all of those things that I was trying to get from a man. It isn’t found in any man, it is found through Christ in me.

With this revelation has come a whole ‘nother level of confidence in God, as well as in myself. As Paula White says, “If you don’t know who you are, you don’t know what you can do.” I can now proceed being fully persuaded, that God can and will do everything He has ever promised.  With this in mind, you can proceed the same way. It doesn’t matter who you’re affiliated with if you’re not “affiliated” with God. Everything in the earth is His, and the fullness thereof (Psalm 24:1). Think of it this way: Donald Trump is a very powerful name in this world. If you were good friends with Donald Trump, you would gain access into places you may never get to on your own. Now, referencing the aforementioned scripture, think of how much more you will gain access to if you are good friends with God! Everything is His!  Knowing who you are starts with knowing who’s you are.

Sincerely,
Ms. Tausha

There was a common theme that was rather disappointing… very few people were smiling or enjoying themselves.

There’s no doubt that the time of year adds unnecessary stresses to everyone’s already hectic schedules but there are several things you can do to prevent stress from getting the best of you at this time of year…

• Put perfection behind you – Everyone wants the holiday season to be perfect…from striving to achieve a perfect reaction from your spouse or children to a gift you purchased to desiring the perfect feast and family get together, the perfect gift wrapping and decorations, etc.  Accept that you may not be able to achieve perfection in every aspect of your holiday season.
• Set yours plans for visiting family and friends in accordance with your priorities – There’s nothing quite as stressful as trying to be in 4 or 5 places (Mom’s place, Dad’s place, Granparent’s places, etc…) all at once.  Set your priorities for family visits with family and friends in accordance with YOUR priorities not those of your Great Aunt!  Consider alternating between your’s and your significant other’s families yearly and leave yourself the time to truly enjoy these opportunities – especially if visiting these families requires any significant travel requirements.
• For those last minute items, plan before you shop – It’s natural to forget an item or have to make a trip to pick up a few things at the last minute.  Make a list and plan where and what you will buy before you hop in the car and head to the mall.
• Take a moment to enjoy the moment – The stress caused by hectic schedules and season related to-do lists can be relieved by simply taking a moment to breathe and enjoy the wonderful around you!  Take a moment to remember why you celebrate this time of year.

How do you handle seasonal stresses?

photo credit: isabisa

Past experiences, especially less than favourable ones, contribute to fears and serve only to put perceived barriers in front of us.  These ‘limitations’ can prevent us from staying focused on our goals and put us into a state of accepting mediocrity.

But, for some, staying focused on some future end-result can be overwhelming at times also.  Sure, we all want to achieve goals and aspirations and achieve a certain level of success.  We know that if all we think about is past failures we are likely just putting ourselves into a state of inaction.  The same can be said, however, of focusing to far into the future… to live only in that end result takes our focus off the now.  A big goal, no matter what it is, can be daunting to think about if it’s not broken down into achievable steps that we can focus on today… steps we can take right now to get us that much closer to our goals.

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” 
~  Robert Brault

It’s true.  For me, personally, I know that if I have a particularly big goal in front of me that focusing only on the end-result can overwhelm me and force me into a state of procrastination and making excuses… or it can take me out of the present moment and result in my absence to what is going on around me.  If instead I focus on the little steps I need to take right now, and I take action to achieve those little steps, then I can be satisfied at every moment that I am getting closer to my goal while staying present for myself and those around me.

“Develop an appreciation for the present moment. Seize every second of your life and savor it. Value your present moments.” 
~  Wayne Dyer

Appreciate the small things in life and take action on the steps necessary to achieve your goals.  You will live a m0re fruitful life and achieve beyond your imagination if you learn to savor the moment you’re in.  Furthermore, living in the now allows us to sieze opportunities as they unfold right in front of us…

“It would be incredible if we all lived every moment as if to create a memory we could cherish for a lifetime.”
~ Darren Sproat

photo credit: PrASanGaM

The answer is simple – I don’t use any special system to gain followers.  I read the tweets of those I follow… I look for interesting conversations and tweets between people and follow those people.  If they follow me back great.

I recently tweeted:

“Twitter isn’t just about follows. It’s about connections.  Connect with your followers to create meaningful relationships.”

Those who know me from Twitter know that I have over 17,000 followers. I’m not going to try to tell you that I have a meaningful connection with every one of them.  However, that doesn’t change the fact that I will, on a regular basis, engage a few of my followers, individuals who I may not have had any past exchange with, in a meaningful conversation in an attempt to “put a face to the follow” or see what makes someone tick.  In every case where I have engaged in a meaningful conversation with someone following me I have come out of it a better person… I have met some incredible people, inspirational people, successful people, happy people, sad people, people in love, people who’s hearts have been torn out, people who have reached the top of the mountain and people making mountains out of mole hills.

The bottomline for me is I have met people… I have made connections.  I have kept it real.

Communicating in such a way is not productive and can be filled with assumptions.  This is all too often the case when one doesn’t make the effort to listen and understand the conversation.  Instead of giving one’s attention to actually understand the conversation one simply takes the words, applies personal perception and emotion to what was heard, and reacts.

“To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.”
~ John Marshall

Effective communications requires a person to more than simply hear and react to what is being said.

“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen.  Just listen.  Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention… ”
~ Rachel Naomi Remen

So, how do we listen?

It’s simple… open your eyes and ears and shut your mouth!

photo credit: Stéfan

photo credit: chema.foces

“Relinquish your attachment to the known, step into the unknown, and you will step into the field of all possibilities.”
~ Deepak Chopra

It took me a long time to understand that stepping outside of my comfort zone was the only real means to experience new things in life.  In doing so, I have overcome fears and perceived limitations in nearly every facet of my life.  Every once and a while, however, I need a little reminder and the quote above from Deepak Chopra reminded me of that tonight.

Let me know your thoughts?

Regards,
Darren Sproat

Some Background

She was born in Canada but her parents and 4 of her 6 siblings were born in and around Thailand.  While she always knew of her ancestry, she didn’t really have a deep connection back to her homeland until she spent 6 months living with her Grandmother right in Thailand.  As it turns out, that 6 months was the last 6 months of her grandmother’s life.  In the brief time she spent there, listening to the stories of her Grandmother growing up in Thailand and raising her own family there, she realized that she had unintentionally embarked upon a journey of personal self discovery. 

She returned to Canada after her Grandmother’s passing only to feel compelled to return to Thailand to continue her grandmother’s work.

An Intention to Help becomes a Personal Journey of Self Discovery

Once she confirmed her intention to move and continue her Grandmother’s work, I encouraged her to maintain a journal of her experiences while she was there.  In the back of my mind I was thinking it would be fantastic material for a blog about her activities and experiences.  While it never did turn into a blog, she did maintain a journal while she was there.  In writing the journal she had only one guideline… at the end of every day she would write a short paragraph about a person she met, an event she attended, an experience she had, or a realization or discovery she made that inspired her in some way.

She provided me access to her journal and, in reading it, I become incredibly humbled and inspired by her story.  Frankly, I think her writing is worthy of publishing.  She is adamant, however, that keeping her journal private is important to her at this time so I will, of course, honour her request to keep this information to myself except to share that it tells the story of a 30-something young woman taking herself out of her comfort zone to give all of herself to assist those in need.  It tells the story of a young woman discovering, first hand, the privileges she lived with, the institutions and freedoms that she took for granted, and the general well-being of living in Canada.  It tells the story of a young woman, through her selfless actions, discovering herself.

In a recent conversation, she admits that this journey was one of self discovery - one of facing fears and overcoming barriers.  She admits that it was her who, ultimately, was benefiting from her intentions to help others.  In her words,

“I realized that anyone is able to change the world one thought at a time.  I woke every morning and set a few very attainable goals and at the end of every day I wrote about the one person or thing that day that inspired me.  I didn’t write about the ‘good deeds’ I was doing for the people or families I was with because I soon discovered that what I was doing was helping me as much or more than it was helping others.  The more I did for the community the more I learned about myself – what inspired and motivated me.  I felt enlightened to what I am and can become.  I discovered what made me, me.  I understand now what my Grandmother knew for a lifetime.”

I would be honoured if you chose to share your thoughts.

Regards,
Darren Sproat

It would be incredible if everyone lived every moment as if to create a memory they could cherish for a lifetime.  What kind of life do you want to create?
~ Darren Sproat, 2008

Take a moment to absorb all that is wonderful going on around you and you stand a good chance of creating those memories you can cherish for a lifetime.  What kind of life do you want to create?

Warmest Regards,
Darren