Right now over 300 college kids are parading around in sponsored spandex performing the President's Fitness Challenge for a bunch of googley eyed grown men. Well-paid football professionals and numbers geeks are oohing and aahing over tenths of a second in an effort to figure out which specimen they'll hand over the $50 million "Deal or No Deal" briefcase. Endless numbers of greased up Mel Kiper wannabees are plotting these numbers into formulas trying to find the NFL equivalent of e=mc2.

We've done it again boys. Garcon! Mount #4's taxidermied head in the hallowed hallway of Jet misery. Put it dead center - right in between Doug Brien's foot and the floor plans of the Manhattan stadium.

1. God, does this guy have to endorse everything!?!

2. I think it's safe to say he's a shoe-in for "High Times: Sportsman of the Year"

3. So that's how he was able to put down 8,000 calories in a day without a problem

4. Note to College Swim Coaches around the country: Your team's eyes aren't red tomorrow from the chlorine

5. Ohhh, so that's why it was so foggy in China

6. "Oh you better take an 8th hit Michael. Spitz took 7 down easy."

Nourishment for your gambling Jones. Part 2 is here:

It's hard to care about this year's Super Bowl. Sure, I could take the easy route and blame it all on the world melting around us like a spoonful of margarine grilling on my Rachel Ray cookware. But I won't, I can believe it's more than transfatty fake butter. Unfortunately we got ourselves two high quality teams, armed with likeable personnel and two Jesus-like figures under center - one who is see here: and the other whose cranium can withstand a high speed Harley accident. It sort of reads like an awful M.

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You know the recession is getting deep when we are creating interactive Monopoly games mocking it. After all it was the Great Depression which served us up the original top hat, monocle and thimble (or so one dag blogger so falsely convinced me).

First let me start off by saying that this isn't a particularly easy post for me to write. It'd be an honor to delight you all with a long diatribe about the Jets annual implosion, but that would conflict with one of the great joys of being their fan. That of course is the joy of pocketing all the rage and torment into the pit of my stomach and then watching it explode at the most inopportune times like a bootleg 8th century jack-in-the-box.

The Scariest Economic Indicator of all?!?!

Wall Street is a barren stretch of gloom and tumbleweed, unemployment could sniff double digits in '09, yet the Yankees are spending money as if its 'the day after tomorrow.'

$423.5 million in total salary
Mark Teixiera - 8 years, $180 million
C.C. Sabathia - 7 years, $161 million
A.J. Burnett - 5 years, $82.5 million

In less than 10 days the Pinstripes poured through enough money to make even Dennis Kozlowski blush.

1. Honestly the most impressed I've ever been with Bush

2. You heard it here first: Obama's toast in Presidential dodgeball

Yea, he's a freshman in high school.

Behold...

A few quick thoughts:

1. So if he's Barry to his father Bobby Bonds that means....oh this kid is doomed

You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Conspiracy Zone!


Conspiracy #1
Detroit is preparing to make the Lions the crown jewel of the city

Schenectady, NY
With the market in freefall and hundreds of his clients suffering heavy 401(K) losses, Chief Investment Officer of AYN Asset Management Robert Lombardo is leaving his clients with one final piece of financial advice before closing up shop at his 17-year old investment firm:

"Leave your stock certificates in your mother's attic."

ATTN: Parental Advisory Explicit Content

You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Conspiracy Zone!

I would not, could not, in a pinch
I could not, would not, without a flinch
I will not bet on them with a mouse
I will not bet on them with my house
I will not bet on them here or there
I will not bet on them anywhere
I do not believe in Gang Green Madame
I do not like them, cause Gang Green I am

That being said: The Jets are the team to beat in the AFC

Let me set the stage for you: It's a frigid fall day. You and your pals are locked in a 13-13 tie after gutting out a game of pigskin for the last 3 and a 1/2 hours. Sadly, several of your best buds haven't made it this far - cracked endoskeleton, torn ligaments, and dehydration. Most of you can barely breathe. Your jersey tips an 8 extra lbs from when you started, loaded up with epidermis juice and a dab of crimson (some of which has your blood type). You've told everyone the game will be done by 4:30, but no one is throwing in the towel just yet.

Who'dathunk we'd end up in this mess when folks like Peter here were being celebrated two years ago?

Warning: Don't watch on the computer you'd hate to see a fist put through

As if this year didn't suck enough, Random House and Ann Coulter are leaving one last skid mark on our soiled 2008 Fruit of the Looms before the Waterford drops.

Behold it in all of its glory. Yup, nothing rings in holiday cheer quite like the Coultergeist. I put it a notch below running down the stairs at Grammy's Christmas morning to find the severed head of 'Geoffrey the Giraffe' under the tree.

And in keeping with the spirit of the holidays Random House is keeping the title of the comic book a secret -

Day 7.
T + 168 hours since the electoral map Doctors told me it was a 'B.'

10,080 minutes since my grey matter learned happiness could venture beyond the 'first slice of Fudgie the Whale' territory. (Not even the thought of Chuck Todd doing 'Just for Men - Facial Hair' pitch work in 20 years could hold a candle)

Yup, it was grand, euphoric, spectacularly refreshing. Step right up, jut your hand into my 10-gallon hat of ripped up positive adjectives, pull two out and I'll nod in agreement (Magnificently...Grandiose...Sure, that'll do).