The title says it all. I can’t put my finger on one thing that is making me feel good. I was nervous that the office was going to fall apart while I was out sick Monday, but it didn’t. I totally blew my group away on my part of a project we were working on for school. Tony comes in three days. Vacation will start and the work Blackberry is going to be switched off.

Tonight I went out for dinner and drinks with a coworker. Then went out to get Shamrock Shakes at McDonald’s with another friend. By the way, they are amazing.

The rest of the week is going to be a little busy so this may be the last post for a week or so. I hope you all have a good week. Follow me on twitter @coverthomo for more frequent updates.

Until next time!!!

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You need to watch this. I haven’t laughed alone as hard as I did last night watching this.

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I am so tired of being second best. It is really starting to wear me out. I am tired of being that guy that everyone is friendly with but has no personal, close attachment to anyone.

I go out and have a good time with my friends and sometimes my family but at the end of the night, I am the one who goes home alone. Everyone has that closest best friend or relationship with someone that no matter what, I can never be a part of in the same way.

I want someone to call at night before bed to wish them sweet dreams. I want the random “I’m thinking about you” texts during the day. I want someone to feel happy and safe when I walk into the room because they know that I’m there. I don’t just want to be “that nice kid.” I don’t want that awkward feeling when I send a someone a message and they say they are with their other half.  I want to be IT for someone. To this day, I have never looked someone in the eye and told them I loved them or had them tell me.

Tony and I had a strong relationship like that for a while but now he has a boyfriend. My best friend and I are close, but he has girls hanging all over him all the time. While both of these guys mean a lot to me, I will never mean to them what they mean to me and there is nothing I can do about it.

Sometimes I feel socially retarded. I have a few friends who I value a lot but I am just so tired of not having a close, intimate relationship with anyone. It makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Everyone thinks I am a great guy and all of that, but for some reason, here I sit alone on the couch at the end of every night.

At first, I started thinking that I must be needy wanting all of these things but then I shot that theory down. While I want these things for myself, I really just want to make someone happy in every way I can. My heart is in the right place. What I want is so simple, but means so much to me that I am just about fed up with it. Something needs to change. I’m done.

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I have been keeping busy as of late. This weekend my friend came to visit me. We went out for dinner and drinks and had a little chat. He gave me a little talk about how I need to get out more. I do think that I need to get out more and meet more people, however I think that I need to start making improvements on myself first and foremost.

I have put myself in a situation where I feel that I cant really talk with anyone about how I really feel about Tony without feeling like I just keep repeating myself or that I am putting people in an uncomfortable situation. Sometimes, I really don’t want advice or encouragement, I just want to be listened to without feeling that guilt.

I do know what my problems are and I do know what I need to do in order to overcome the problems, but I really don’t feel like moving on from it right now. I know that that sounds so backwards but right now, I really don’t want to change. Perhaps I should see a therapist just for the sake of having a place to go and vent.

Last night or this morning, I had a really nice dream. It was quite pleasant to wake up to. In the dream, I was vacationing in this really big house with other people who I think were friends. I woke up in my room in a good mood. The sun was beaming into my room and keeping me nice and warm. I went upstairs to make coffee and then I saw Tony there. He had his beautiful smile showing and he came over and gave me a big hug and then he kissed me. The only other thing that I remember is that I think his boyfriend was there too. That was awkward and I think that is when I woke up. It was still a nice dream to have.

This week is going to be a busy week. I have a couple of different assignments due for school and some projects and meetings at work this week. I am looking forward to Spring Break when Tony comes. It will be nice to have some time where I don’t have to worry about anything. Under three weeks to go!

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I have read about Oliver North in the past. Part of me liked him because of some of the sneaky things he did. But this completely changed my mind. How someone of his intelligence can really think that allowing gays to openly serve in the military is going to be a “burden to these youngsters” serving in the military? He says that this is like allowing pedophiles into the military? Hmm… I don’t see the connection. I doubt gay people are going to be a burden to people serving because frankly, they already do serve.

He says it  will affect “readiness routine, and retention.” Does he think that people are not going to sign up for the military if gay people are allowed to serve? What about the 13,000 + men and women that have been dismissed under DADT? I think that’s a retention problem.

This guy’s an asshole.

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This weekend, my best friend from high school came into the city and I had a blast. It was a much needed break from life and my busy schedule.

He came in Friday evening. We walked around the city for a while and just hung out and talked. We had a couple of drinks at a bar. It was a good time. He asked me what I found physically attracted about him. That was slightly awkward but I told him and he seems really comfortable around me which is really nice. He knows that I think he is attractive.

The next evening we went out and he told me that he felt I was holding things back from him and that he knows I trust him and that he was always there to talk. The night went on, we had some more drinks at the place I always go. I am friends with the manager and the staff there so there were lots of drinks all around. I never get drunk. It is not like me at all. But that night I did. On the way back to my place, I just flat out told him about Tony and how I had told him I loved him and how that didn’t go over so well. We made it back to my place and we were both sitting on the couch and I just spilled everything I felt. He kept telling me I was his best friend and everything was going to be okay and other things. He was so sweet. I ended up almost in his arms. He was holding my hand and I just kept going on and tearing up.

I needed to do that for so long and I need to open up more often. I guess I have a problem being comfortable enough around people to tell them all of this in person rather than online. It was amazing. I feel like a load was taken off of my shoulders.

He is an amazing guy. I am so lucky to have him as a friend. I am planning something special for him coming up so if all goes well with that I will let you know. Until then, I am going to continue as usual. I feel a lot better and I am planning some things for Spring Break and taking some time off. Right now I feel excited and I feel light and somewhat carefree. I am going to enjoy it while I can.

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Lately, I have had a couple of conversations about my best friend and the dynamics of of the gay man/straight man “best friendship.”

Let me provide you with my story. My best friend was the first person that I came out to. We both went to high school together and had several classes together. He was your typical jock back then. He was on the soccer team and was the star of the track team. He had a very cute girlfriend who he was truly in love with. I was more of the quiet guy who wasn’t really popular and never really spend much time around school after hours.

I came out to him one day over instant message during our freshman year of college. He was the first person I told and my heart was racing, I was sweating as I typed in that message. After I hit that send button there was nothing that I could but sit in anticipation. This was his message in response:

“thats perfectly fine with me dude.. to each his own…. there is nothing wrong with that or how you want to live your life.. if anything ur prolly the smart one.. u dont wanna live with a woman trust me haha.. but yeah dude, ur a good guy, and i respect that u were able to tell me that too. its takes a lot of courage… it takes a lot of guts to tell people something like that… some people care about these things and are weirded out by it, but i respect u and i appreciate the friendship that we have… if this is how u feel there is nothing i can do about it.. I accept you for you”

I don’t think there is anything more that he could have said to put me at ease. I felt so relieved, so grateful.

Today, we are still great friends. We often talk with each other about life how old we are getting. When we were kids, we always talked about how we were both going to be successful when we got out of our small towns and now we look back at that and laugh because we are part of the few that did get out and are making something of ourselves. He always comes to me seeking relationship advice which I am always happy to give. We have been making more and more of an effort to hang out together when we can. I am planning on having him over for a weekend in a couple weeks. We don’t talk much about my being gay which frankly, is fine by me. Him seeing me as much more than that is just what I wanted. I feel comfortable talking with him though. Recently when I was going through a rough time, he sensed something was wrong and we were able to talk about it. He truly is a great friend and I am honored to have him in my life.

I know that coming out to a straight friend may not always go as well as it did for me. Do you have a straight best or close friend? How did he react when you told him you were gay? Are you still close? Let me know in the comments.

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A friend showed this to me. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. I thought I would share it with you folks.

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