Busy

What goes through your mind when you hear that word?

How about, “Too little time and too much to do.”

Does that sound like you?

I’m sure it does.

Most people I talk to have too much to do and and too little time to get it all done.

Busyness is a given.

I’m busy.

You’re busy.

We’re all busy.

Even the lazy man is busy figuring out how to fill his time with things to do. If he can’t figure it out he sl

My dad took his first drink when he was 21-years old.

He took his last drink 21-years later.

In-between his first and last drink he never stopped drinking.

This may be weird to you, but I’m gonna say it: I do not know what a normal dad smells like.

My dad was not a normal dad: he smelled odd.

His breath was an amalgamated concoction of air, nicotine, and alcohol.

His skin had a gummy bear feel to it. When you rubbed his skin, it felt kinda gooey.

He was also a mean drunk. When he got drunk, he got angry and if he was not sulking in a chair, he was yelling at his children. I do not recall ever hearing the word “love” in our home.^[1]

Perhaps someone said, “I love you,” but I do not remember it. Love was not something I knew about. I had heard about it through television and rock songs, but I did not know what it really meant or how it was supposed to be lived out.

You wouldn’t know this either, but I’m gonna say this too: I never called my dad, “dad” or “father.” Even as I type the letters d-a-d, I’m reminded that those letters still seem a bit odd when I relate them to my father.

We had a nickname that we called him, but I’ll spare you that information. It took me about 10 years after he died to refer to him as “dad.” The D-word was not an appellation we used for him.

These circumstances were not unusual for me because my life was wall-to-wall dysfunction from birth until I was born the second time at twenty-five years old. To refrain from calling my dad “dad” was just part of the deal. If you don’t know any better, then it becomes the unchangeable and assumed norm.

Then he died

It was 1978.

He died in his sleep at the age of forty-two. The layman’s diagnosis was that he drank himself to death. That was probably true. He had kidney, liver, heart, and a few other known and unknown problems.

Amazingly he was a healthy and athletic policeman when he began to drink. When he died, he was a barely employable third shift production worker who went from job to job.

I was nineteen when he died.

By the time I was 12-years old I stopped attending church. My mother could not make us go anymore. Church was irrelevant for her boys–there were five of us and our primary interest was not God, but trouble and drugs.

Ironically we found good weed at our church. Some of the deacon’s children provided us with drugs. Not knowing Christ or the purpose of His church, it did not seem odd to look for and find good weed at our Sunday church meetings.

By the time I was 15-years old I left home. I began living with my grandmother. That same year I was put in jail for breaking and entering (B&E). We broke into our high school to get some scales for our drug business.

Anger, fear, hate, rebellion, discouragement, and discontentment made up my childhood. I had many highs–in more ways than one–and I had even more lows. It is amazing that a kid could be so messed up in such a short period of time. The focal point of my hate was toward my father. He was the most likely target for the pain that I felt. He was mean right up until he fell asleep that last time in 1978.

I arrived at my parent’s home just in time to see the EMS take him out, covered by a white sheet, and on a gurney. The person I hated the most died, but his death did not remove my anger or make me sorry.

Death puts all sin in perspective

It was not supposed to happen that way. He was forty-two. He was not supposed to die. I was not done hating him. My life, up to that point, was one big joke and then he played the final trick on me–he died.

I remember like it was yesterday the first time I ever told my father that I loved him. I was standing over his casket in McEwen Funeral Home in North Carolina. I walked up to the casket and looked over the edge.

That was the first time it dawned on me that I held on to my anger too long. When you’re angry, you don’t think about the other person dying. In fact, when you’re angry your thoughts are completely self-absorbed. No doubt I was so wrapped up in how I was hurt that I had no interest in redeeming the relationship. And then it was too late.

Yes, I was sinned against. My daddy hurt me. I was abused verbally and physically. Each day in my home was another version of torture and disappointment. From my view I knew who was at fault and I was counting the days until I could get out of the chaos.

I could make a strong case against my dad and I did. Hate controlled my heart. Though I rarely said anything to him, my heart was on fire. Then he died. Death is the final equalizer that puts all sin into perspective.

I lived in regret for many years for being so stubbornly proud. When you compare anger to death, death will always win. His death trumped my anger, but it did not remove it. I was now lost in a new kind of anger. It was regret, shame, and guilt for holding on to my anger too long. I played the fool.

Christ’s death gave me a new perspective

Mercifully someone introduced me to another man who died. That man was named Jesus. When the Father opened my eyes to the death of His Son, everything changed. Christ gave me a better perspective on what my father did to me.

I became acutely aware that we live in a fallen world full of fallen people. And when fallen people live in a fallen world, it is not unusual for there to be fallout in families–particularly between parents and their children. My past began to make sense to me.

For the first time in my life I had a better answer for my childhood. It was sin. My father was a sinner who sinned. That is why he did what he did to us. However, he was not the only one who sinned in our home.

I soon became informed that no man is righteous and we all stand guilty before our Creator. There are no levels of righteousness in God’s mind. We are all the same–guilty. I will not be able to stand before God and say that I’m a better person than my father. That want wash with God.

As it is written: “None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.” – Romans 3:10-12 (ESV)

Perhaps you have been hurt by someone. Perhaps you can make a case as strong as I have made my case here.

• Though we all are equally guilty before God, not everyone is equally mean.
• Though we all are equally guilty before God, some people act out their sin more.
• Though we all are equally guilty before God, some people are meaner than others.

If you have been sinned against in a more significant way than maybe someone else, then you will be tempted to be angry the way I was tempted to be angry. At some level of my mind I knew I was sinful, but it was easy to compare tit for tat and when I did that, I could hold on to my anger.

According to my calculating my dad was a worse sinner than me. (You don’t want to go there in your heart. If you do, you will set yourself up for a lot of anger, bitterness, and a whole lot more.)

Let the Gospel inform your thinking

• My dad was a sinner. I am a sinner.
• My dad sinned. I do sin.
• My dad needed Christ. I need Christ.

The truth is that I am no different than my father. You will have to come to terms with this statement as you apply it to those who have hurt you. It will not serve you to compare your sin to someone else’s sin or your righteousness to someone else’s righteousness.

Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding. – 2 Corinthians 10:12 (ESV)

Do not be without understanding. If you compare yourself to another human being and then consider yourself better than that other person, you will poison your soul. The only person who will be hurting is you.

Typically when there is relational brokenness between a child and a parent, the child is usually the one articulating how he has been hurt by the sinful parent. His thinking is completely horizontal–what has been done to me, rather than vertical–what he has done to God. This is a mistake.

Believe me, I made this mistake. For many years I spent more time thinking about what my dad did wrong to me than what I did wrong to God. I poisoned my soul.

As I began to apply the Gospel to the brokenness of my family and to myself, only then was I free to not only understand what happened to me, but to be free from the sin of another that had controlled me for so many years.

I was a self-righteous victim. This is a deadly duo. A self-righteous victim is a person who is more aware of and irritated by the sins of another than being conscious of and grieved by his own sin.

As the Gospel came into my view, I began to realize that my dad was not the biggest sinner I knew. This was Paul’s realization as well (1 Timothy 1:15). He was acutely aware that he was the foremost sinner that he knew.

Though I’m sure he could find people who had sinned more–because we all can–he considered himself to be the worst of the worst. Our culture would hammer Paul for his anti-self-esteem-gospel. But he knew better.

It is only when you elevate your personal esteem that you get into trouble and poison your soul (Philippians 2:3). Paul did not have such a high view of himself. The more he lowered his self-esteem, the more he was able to see and experience Christ.

Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners. – Mark 2:17 (ESV)

Paul would not allow himself to compare what was done to him, but was acutely aware of what he had done to the Savior. There is no sin greater than the sins you and I commit that caused the glorious, perfect, and innocent Son of God to be executed on the cross.

There is nothing that has ever happened to you or to me that is greater than the sin you and I have committed against God. The Gospel levels the playing field. It releases you to get over your hurt. It releases you to be free from what was done to you. It also allows two sinners to:

• Mutually understand each other
• Mutually forgive each other
• Mutually love each other

This is what God always intended. It’s not about who did what, but whether we will humble our hearts before Almighty God. This kind of Gospel understanding changes everything. If there is a modicum of un-forgiveness in your soul for what has been done to you, then you are making two sad admissions:

1. You do not understand the Gospel in a transformative way
2. You are unwilling to apply the Gospel to your specific situation

Maybe my dad sinned more. I don’t know. Time will tell. My life is not over yet. Maybe when I’m dead we can tally up our sins, categorize them, and then see who was more guilty.

No, that’s silly. My dad was just like me. He was a sinner in need of a great God to save him. He was hopeless without God. He sinned grievously against God and others. And so have I.

Not only do I understand the Gospel now, but I understand my dad. Yes, we’re really no different. Two miserable people who need God. The only remaining sadness for me is that I cannot tell him about the redemptive, transformative power of the Gospel. But that is my appeal to you.

If you can make peace today, then do it. Don’t wait until it is impossible.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be conceited.

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. – Romans 12:16-22 (ESV)

1. ^[1] The reason I am sharing this story is because many parents I counsel tend to lose sight of God’s sovereignty and merciful care in their children’s lives. They often need to be reminded of the grace of God. Our ability to mess things up is not greater than God’s ability to fix things. This is what this story is about. ↩

If God’s grace is sufficient, which it is.

If God is able to change someone, which He is.

If the Spirit can empower a person to change, which He can.

If God’s Word is sufficient, which it is.

Then the big question is…

Why does a person not change?

This change question is the number one question asked when someone makes an appointment with me.

The questioner is always inquiring about the ins-and-outs of personal change, whether for themselves or someone else.

I cannot answer this question with specificity because I do not know the person they are talking about. I do not know why that person will not change. I also do not know when that person will change, or if they ever will change.

These are two huge realities that we all must come to terms with:

1. Why does he not change?
2. When will he change? (Hoping and assuming that he will.)

I want to deal with both of these questions in a general way, plus the always relevant topic of our attitude and response that we must have toward a person who is not changing.

Any discipler who has discipled for any length of time has pondered the change question. As you sit across from someone in a discipleship context or as you think about someone in your own family, you wonder when and if the person will change. These are valid and biblical thoughts.

If you take this change question and filter it through the grid of Scripture, what will come out on the other end are two possible reasons why a person does not change:

1. If a person is not a Christian, he cannot change.
2. If a person has un-repented sin in his life, he cannot change.

He is not a Christian

This is an obvious answer for a person who is not changing. Though he can make some behavioral changes, those changes will not be permanent because his heart has not been changed and is not being controlled by the Spirit of God, while being instructed by the Word of God.

All that he thinks and does comes from his heart and if his heart has not been changed by the power of God, then any change that he attempts will not be sustainable (Luke 6:43-45). On his best days he will be cyclic in his behavior.

Sometimes the unchanging person may live in a Christian environment, meaning he “goes to church” and has church friends, and participates in church activities. Typically in such cases he has learned the language of Christians while being in an un-regenerate condition.

He is christianized, but not born from above. This can also happen if he has been associated with Christianity or familiarized with it during his childhood or maybe it has been the predominate view of his culture.

A person like this can put on church clothes and do churchy things, but he has not been changed by the overwhelming power of God. It takes a lot of discernment to be able to see through all the Christianize manifestations–while understanding that your assessment is subjective analysis at best.

Don’t be surprised if you pop the question, “Are you a Christian?” and he gives you an affirmative nod. Be careful about accepting his response when your conscience is saying something else. I think sometimes we want to think the best because we are pulling for them. We take off our discernment caps and do not press the matter. This could be a mistake.

In such cases, this might not be serving your friend. I don’t want anyone to assume that I am a Christian because I say I am a Christian. If someone has a concerned about my faith because of the behaviors they see in me, then I want them to love me enough to say something–even if they are wrong.

Which is worse:

1. Suggesting to someone that they are not a Christian and they get offended at you
2. Not saying anything to them and they truly aren’t Christians and they go to hell

I’m not asking you to call them on the carpet with a judgmental or uncharitable attitude. I’m asking you to love them so much that you want to share your heart about what you are observing in their lives.

I’m sure you will hold your subjective assessments loosely and humbly. But by all means, if you have concerns about whether a person is saved or not, then that issue needs to be unpacked–not in a suspicious or condemning way, but in a caring and wise way. Who knows, maybe that is all it takes for your friend to be on his way toward change.

Do not easily dismiss the salvation card.

He has sin in his life

Perhaps the person you love and care for is a Christian–to the best you can discern such things. But they are stuck and are not changing mentally, attitudinally, or behaviorally.

If they are a Christian and are not changing, then there is some kind of sin in their lives. They could be caught in sin, like what Paul talked about in Galatians 6:1-2.

Maybe they are not so much caught as they are enjoying their sin more than they enjoy making God’s name great through holy living. Whether their sin has caught them or they are holding on to their sin, in either case they will not grow into Christlike maturity.

Sin won’t let Christlike maturity happen. You cannot grieve or quench the Spirit of God and expect Him to empower you to grow into Christlikeness (Ephesians 4:30 & 1 Thessalonians 5:19).

Caveat - It is important that you distinguish between episodic sinning and pattern sinning when you’re trying to serve your friend. We all sin. That’s understood. There are hundreds of imperatives in the New Testament that would imply we have on-going problems with sin.

The difference between an episode and a pattern is how we respond to sinning. The episodic sinner will be fighting the good fight against sin, repenting of his sin, and seeking help for the recurring episodes of sin.

The pattern sinner is not repentant at the level of his heart and is consistent in his sin. He may pretend to repent, but he is not really fighting a fight against sin, and he is not soliciting the help of others to help him in that fight.

In either case of (1) no salvation or (2) stuck in sin, you have to be courageous, full of grace, and willing to unpack your friend. You must also hold your assessments humbly, while ministering grace to your unchanging friend.

But don’t think that grace, courage, strength, humility, discernment, and perseverance are at odds with each other. You must balance all of these Christlike character traits as you fight the fight for your friend.

A case study of the unchanging person

As you are fighting this fight for your friend, it is essential that you have the right perspective on the change process. Paul said,

Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. – Galatians 6:1-3 (ESV)

You want to make sure you’re guarding your heart and mind as you enter into someone else’s sin. If you’re not thinking rightly, you will become entangled, which usually means you can become self-righteous–which can manifest as anger and impatience.

In Luke 15:11-17 we are offered a template that I think we can apply to the unchanging person. This is the story of the prodigal son. As you think about this son, also think about your friend. Note the downward progression that eventually led to his repentance:

• Vs. 11 & 12 – The prodigal son asks his dad for his inheritance so he can run away from home and live a self-centered life.
• Vs. 13 – He leaves home and begins a hedonistic spending spree.
• Vs. 14 – He continues to rebel and because of his rebellion there can be only one outcome. He won’t listen and his demise continues its downward spiral. (You see a similar downward spiral in Romans 1:18-32)
• Vs. 15 – He is living for self. Though things are falling apart, he persists. He even finds likeminded friends to hang with–people unlike you who can help him. It continues to get worse for him. This is the way of sin: it gets worse before it gets better.
• Vs. 16 – God is graciously bringing him to an end as he contemplates snacking with the pigs. Be sure your sin will eventually find you out (Numbers 32:23). You begin to wonder how long he will stick to his stubborn ways.
• Vs. 17 – The light finally comes on. He comes to his senses. He is now in his right mind: he repents of his sin and begins to turn toward God and others.

What you need to know is that there is nothing you can do as far as making this son repent. You cannot make anyone repent. Repentance is a gift from God, that He grants in His own timing–if He grants it at all (2 Timothy 2:23-26). Yes–if He grants it at all.

The thing I have to always remind myself is which verse is the person in that I am talking to. Is he in verse 13 where the long downward spiral has just begun? Or is he in verse 16 and is just about to repent to God and others? This is important information to remind yourself of when a person is not changing.

God will not give you the answer–the end of the story. If He did, then you would rest in the awareness of knowing when and where he would repent. Meaning, your faith would be in the known outcome and you could rest in this information, but you would not be resting in God.

God will not give you the answer because He wants you to trust Him as you lovingly wait, while actively pray and engage your friend in the change process.

Therefore, you must guard your heart. His journey may have just begun–even though it may already seem to be a long time to you. Your job is to trust God all the way to the end, while praying, loving, and helping him to change.

Keys to remember

1. Having the right perspective is essential in serving your friend because in most cases he will not be ready to change when you first engage him about change.
2. It is helpful to know that repentance is a gift from God and you can’t force repentance upon someone. God grants repentance to people when He wants to, where He wants to, and how He wants to.
3. Before you ever address the heart of the person you’re serving, make doubly sure you’ve addressed the state of your own heart–and that you continue to do so.

Your perspective on the unchanging person

There have been many times in my life, where I needed to change, but was not willing to change. I’m grateful for people, who were willing to persevere with me. They patiently and lovingly walked me through the process of change.

At times the temptation may be to give up on people, especially if you become frustrated (angry) with them or if you’re afraid to confront (fear of man) them. I appeal to you not to give up on your friend.

Your desire to help is a Gospel desire: Christ died for us while we were sinners, not after we stopped sinning (Romans 5:8). To help a sinner, while the sinner is sinning is God-like.

As you know, it is inherent in sheep to wander. We all wander. Regeneration and sanctification are processes. I spent the first 25-years of my life getting to the cross and the rest of my life has been spent growing in cross-centered sanctification.

You must have faith for the process of regeneration and sanctification. If you do not have faith for the process that your friend is in, then you can be assured that he will be aware of it. Not only will he be aware of your displeasure, but your attitude will be an unnecessary hurdle he will have to scale.

One of the ways you can guard and regulate your attitude toward him is by expressing regular heart-felt gratitude to God for the privilege you have to be a minister of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18).

Talk to God. Talk to Him often. This is not only right, but it will help you when you talk to your friend. Give your counsel to God first in prayer. Run it by Him before it goes to another. If you do, then your heart will be governed rightly.

Lastly, let your friend know you care for him. Somehow, he must feel and know your care. Though he may reject it and even mock you for it, you must persevere. It is not unusual for someone to get mad with you when you care enough to speak truth into their lives.

Ask God how to persevere with your unchanging friend. The Father will tell you. And when He does, you get out your water jug and seed container and begin the arduous work of watering and planting, while trusting God for the growth.

I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. – 1 Corinthians 3:6 (ESV)

The heart of the husband trusts in her (Proverbs 31:11).

God looked upon Adam and said it was not good for him to be alone.

The Father did not explain why it was not good for Adam to be alone, but only that it was not good.

Through the centuries theologians have thought and written much as to why it was not good for man to be alone.

Many of their thoughts have been helpful.

I’m not totally sure of all the implications as to why God came to that conclusion.

Nevertheless, the Father’s solution to Adam’s loneliness was to make a woman who would complement him (Genesis 2:18-25).^[1]

Enter Eve

God put him to sleep and went to work.

When Adam awoke from his deep sleep he saw the most beautiful and special creation that God had made.

Adam was smitten and rightfully so.

Every man who has ever fallen in love understands to a degree what Adam felt that day.

A good wife is a good thing and when a man finds a good wife, he has found a great treasure (Proverbs 18:22). Adam was in love.

When a man loves a woman…

Adam’s love for his wife was also accompanied by faith and hope: faith that the relationship would last and hope that the relationship would be a mutually benefiting love affair. This is the way of love.

When I first met my wife, I decided that I wanted to “fall in love” with her. I, like Adam, was smitten. Part of the reason I loved her was because of my growing faith that God had put us together. I believed that God did not want me to be alone for the rest of my life and that He was leading me to someone He had chosen for me. The more I dated Lucia, the more my faith in what God was doing grew.

Faith in God’s leading and love for another person should grow proportionally. The more I believed God’s providential guidance in my life, the more willing I became to take the “risk of love.” As time progressed, I began to experience the hope found in a mutually benefiting relationship.

We were two people who desired to glorify God with our lives. We began to think that maybe God wanted us to do that together. However, in order for me to embrace a covenantal-one-flesh-forever-union, I knew that I would have to relinquish my independence. I needed to become vulnerable to the ups and downs of our soon-to-be marital relationship.

To love is to be vulnerable

To love someone is to become vulnerable to the other person in the relationship. The reason for this is because you are no longer an independent person beholden to no one.

To be single and independent does not call for this kind of dependent vulnerability to another human. But in order for a man and woman to be married, both the man and the woman must relinquish all of their desires for the benefits of singleness and independence and seek to serve each other for the glory of God.

Vulnerability is not unusual for partnerships. All partnerships call for a certain amount of vulnerability between the partners in order for them to move forward into what they have been called to become.

As it pertains to a husband, he must step out by faith and place his heart in the hands of the woman he is going to commit his life to. Though he is the leader, he is humbly submitting to God by becoming vulnerable to his future wife.

The heart of the husband trusts in her… – Proverbs 31:11

Even though I am the leader of my marriage and family I cannot be what God wants me to be without my wife. Yes, I am her head, but I am also vulnerable to her. I am beholding to her.

The truth is that my wife wields a certain amount of God-ordained power over me. This does not have to be a bad thing. Sadly, in Adam’s marriage we saw the worst case scenario played out in the garden of Eden as it pertained to the power of his wife used sinfully.

Eve, like Adam, was an independent creature who had to make her own decision as to whether she was going to follow God’s plan or exercise her autonomous free will by doing what she wanted to do. We know the rest of the story.

I do wonder sometimes if women know what kind of power they have over their husbands. I also wonder if they know how to harness their power for the mutual benefit of the marriage and for the purpose of making God’s name great through their marriage.

How do you use your power over your husband?

1. Do you know what kind of power you have over your husband?
2. Do you respect him by bringing your power into biblical submission?
3. Do you honor God by bringing your independent spirit into subjection for the greater good of the marriage?
4. Self-control is having power over your power. Ask your husband how well you are doing in this area of self-control.
5. Ask your husband how he has seen you use your power to complement your marriage.

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. - Proverbs 31:10-12 & 26 (ESV)

I have often said, though I do not think it is original with me, that a wife can be the best thing that ever happens to a man or she can be the worst thing to ever happen to him. She can contribute to his strength and make him better than he ever could be or she could gradually weaken him until he is a shell of what he used to be.

The most complete men you’ll ever find are those who are truly one flesh in every imaginable way in their marriage. It is not a man’s portfolio that makes him great or complete. His job, house, or car do not fill the bill either. A man with a humble and loving wife who knows how to use her strength to help him become a man of God is a rich man.

Dear wife, the Bible is full of references that talk about your power. You are an amazing woman who can be used mightily by God. It’s kinda like the Gospel. Though many perceive the Gospel as weak and foolish, God calls it the wisdom and power of God (1 Corinthians 1:18-25). You are in a similar role.

Our culture looks down on the Christian woman as though she is helpless and weak. That would not be the testimony of Scripture. It would not be the testimony of scores of men I have counseled through the years whose wives have just left them. Wives have power! I’ve listed a few verses that talk about the power of the wife, particularly in how she uses her tongue.

Death is in the Power of the Tongue – Prov. 18:21

• A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike; – Proverbs 27:15 (ESV)
• It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman. – Proverbs 21:9 (ESV)
• There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. – Proverbs 12:18 (ESV)
• If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless. – James 1:26 (ESV)

Life is in the Power of the Tongue – Prov. 18:21

• A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. – Proverbs 15:4 (ESV)
• A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver – Proverbs 25:11 (ESV)
• Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body. – Proverbs 16:24 (ESV)
• Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. – Ephesians 4:29 (ESV)

There is a warning and an encouragement for all of us in these verses. But I am particularly addressing the wives in this article. They have power and they are called to use that power redemptively. The following is a case study of a lady who used her power to help destroy her marriage.

Case Study: The spear you sharpen may stab you in the heart

Shari is a bitter and insecure lady. Her life has gone from one broken relationship to another. Five years ago she met Kennon and they had a whirlwind dating relationship. They were impure in their relationship, but rationalized what they were doing by hastily marrying.

Though friends had reservations about Kennon and Shari getting married, no one spoke into their lives because the couple kept themselves at arm’s length from helpful and caring relationships. Their marriage was doomed from the beginning.

Shari’s criticalness and insecurity fed into Kennon’s own cravings for respect and affirmation. After four years of marriage, Kennon began a flirtatious relationship with a woman at work. Within six months Kennon was involved in full-blown adultery.

Kennon’s sins are numerous and he is fully responsible for how he decided to sin against God and his wife. The good news was that through counseling he admitted his numerous sins and repented. Currently he is seeking to walk out his repentance by addressing his sin issues, even those that predated his relationship with Shari, as well as the numerous sins he committed in their marriage.

His humility and repentance have been inspiring to others.

Shari, on the other hand, is not repentant at all. She is angry, accusative, and divisive. The anger she has toward Kennon and the hurt she received from Kennon blind her to how she has been an accomplice in his sin. The spear she has been sharpening for years is now stabbing her in the heart. That spear has been her wicked tongue.

Shari has a nagging, critical, and condemning tongue. Her own craving for approval and acceptance chokes the life out of her relationships. No one, not even Kennon, could endure a relationship with her.

She cannot see how her attitude helped push her husband out the door and into the arms of another woman.^[2]  Eventually, she pushes everyone away from her. No one familiar with this story condones what Kennon did, but it is quite obvious to all that it took two people to destroy their marriage.

Unfortunately the pain that Shari now feels was in part self-afflicted. It is even sadder that she cannot see her sin. If she could, she would be well on the road to restoring her soul to God. She might even be able to restore her marriage. I have to think that as she pillows her head each evening, she feels the sting of guilt on her conscience.

Even in my most justifiable rants the Spirit of God softly speaks to my conscience to remind me that I am not squeaky clean. It is in that moment of hearing the “still small voice” that I have to decide if I’m going to continue to stew in anger or will I humble myself before God.

There is an element of stubbornness in me when I persist in my innocence, while clearly articulating the sin of another. Shari cannot be that deceived. Sadly, the pain which she feels blinds her to her own role in destroying the marriage.

She wielded a lot of power in her marriage, but never sought to use it redemptively. Perhaps this is a wake-up call to some Christian women. If so, I pray you heed that call by setting aside your personal hurt–like the Savior–and begin using the power that God has given you for His glory and for your marriage.

Application Questions

1. Are you more prone to criticize your husband or encourage him?
2. Are you more apt to condemn your husband or forgive him?
3. Do you treat your husband the way God treats you?
4. Ask your children (or friends) their honest assessment of how you treat your husband. What did they say?
5. Can you be trusted to hold your husband’s heart in your hands? Why or why not?
6. Do you regularly confess your sin to your husband and seek his forgiveness?
7. How has your walk with God positively impacted your husband’s life? Ask him to answer this question.
8. How would he generally characterize you: a complainer/grumbler or an encourager/motivator?
9. Do you see yourself as a bigger sinner than your husband? (See Matthew 7:3-5; 1 Timothy 1:15)
10. Write out a prayer of thanksgiving about your husband, listing the top five reasons you praise God for him. Will you show it to him today?

1. ^[1] As an aside, there should not be a word “helpmate.” That is a derivative of two words (help meet, from the KJV) that were never meant to be put together as one word.

   “Help meet” are two words that have their own independent meanings. “Help” is obvious, but “meet” is more obscure. It is an old English word that means “suitable” or “complement.”

   The two words mean a helper who is suitable or who complements him. If you use the word “helpmeet” or the modern derivation “helpmate,” it would read “help suitable.” This is odd.

   The point of this is that if we don’t know the words, then the definition becomes obscured, which makes the application even more elusive. ↩

2. ^[2] This statement is not placing Kennon’s sin of adultery on Shari. Kennon is guilty as charged. He did wrong and he stands alone for the sins he chose to do. However, Shari placed stumbling block after stumbling block in front of Kennon. She had a role to play. ↩

When my daughter rides with me she is the passenger.

I’m the driver.

Kinda logical isn’t it?

She goes where I go.

I lead. She follows.

She is at the mercy of me because I’m the one in control of the car.

I have total influence over her.

This is an analogy for what Paul was talking about when he said,

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? – 2 Corinthians 6:14 (ESV)

You know the analogy don’t you? Seemingly every preacher who has ever preached this text mentions something about two animals in a yoke. The reason they say this is because that is exactly what Paul was referring to.

Think of two oxen pulling a wagon while both of them are in a harness or yoke. When in the yoke, they are one. Paul was bringing to his audience what Moses brought to his back in the day when he said,

You shall not plow with an ox and a donkey together. – Deuteronomy 22:10 (ESV)

Do not put up with it readily enough

The unequal yoke in this passage is a picture of someone who has influence over another person. Paul is warning the Corinthian Christians that if they do not stop and turn around from their evil unchristian relationships that they are involved in, then the influence of those ungodly relationships will take them where they do not want to go.

The entire letter to the Corinthians is Paul’s attempt to persuade the Christians to make a break from evil influences. He knows they are susceptible to the power that these influences can have over them. This is where the yoke analogy is very helpful.

Think again about my daughter in the car with me. If I turn right, then she will turn right. If I go into a ditch, then she will go into a ditch. The same is true in the yoke analogy. Imagine an oxen and a donkey in a yoke. The oxen is trying to move forward while the donkey is stubbornly insisting on his way.

Whether it is my daughter or the oxen, they both are influenced by what another one is doing. Two people cannot walk together if they are not in agreement (Amos 3:3). Paul is giving a stern warning to his Christian brothers about the foolishness of their choices.

As he moves through the rest of this letter he will become even more explicit in his concern for the Corinthian Christians. He sees them being gullible as they are pulled away from the faith. Notice how he says it later on:

But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ. For if someone comes and proclaims another Jesus than the one we proclaimed, or if you receive a different spirit from the one you received, or if you accept a different gospel from the one you accepted, you put up with it readily enough. – 2 Corinthians 11:3-4 (ESV)

The unbeliever Paul has in mind in this passage is the person who is influencing the Christians to walk away from their faith. Paul wants them to know that these people will exert influence over them if they allow them to.

His language could not be any stronger. He considers these people to be false apostles. This is a very serious matter. There is no matter more serious than this one. They were promoting another Gospel and nothing stirred Paul’s soul more vehemently than when someone was tinkering with the Gospel (Galatians 1:6-9).

This is not the doctrine of separation

It is important that we guard our hearts from taking this passage to places where Paul did not intend. What I mean is that some well-meaning Christians have interpreted this passage to mean that you are to separate from the world–the culture. This is a problematic interpretation of the passage.

Paul is not saying that. If he were, then we all would be in a mess. It is physically, spiritually, and mentally impossible to separate from the evil that is in this world. The biggest reason you can’t separate from evil is because evil lurks in our hearts. Notice how and where John described evil:

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. – 1 John 2:14-15 (ESV)

John tells us not to love the things in this world and then he goes on to describe what he means. He says that the things of this world are such things as ungodly desires and pride. John’s definition of worldliness is sinful desires and pride. His location of worldliness is in our hearts.

James says something similar as he teaches the Christians the dangers of being drawn away by our ungodly desires. Though we are dead to sin, James is well-aware that we can choose to sin and he is warning his friends about the repercussions of allowing sin to influence them.

But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. – James 1:14-15 (ESV)

As you consider these passages you can see the impossibility of fully separating from worldliness, especially since it lurks in our hearts. We’re all susceptible to sin. Therefore, the issue is not about trying to do the impossible: completely separate from ungodliness. The real issue is to not let ungodliness have influence or control over our hearts and lives.

Paul, John, and James were very concerned about how we can be influenced and controlled by evil.

Gospel-motivated living standards

Some people who hold to the doctrine of separation believe that if you don’t hold to their beliefs, then you can do anything you want to (Romans 6:1). This is actually jumping from one ditch to the other. Christians are not supposed to live in either ditch:

1. You cannot separate from the world.
2. You cannot give into the sinful temptations of the world.

The Gospel is the middle of the road that we should choose to walk down. We live in the world–yes, but we do not give ourselves over to the sinful influences of the world. Whether those sinful influences are in our hearts or the sinful influences of others, the Gospel-centered man resists these allurements.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. – Romans 12:2 (ESV)

If you allow the doctrine of separation to define how you live in this world, then you may have odd and mostly untenable rules. If you allow the doctrine of licentiousness define how you live in this world, then you will be tempted to give yourself over to anything that comes down the pike.

Only the Gospel can set the right biblical boundaries for holiness. Only the Gospel can give you righteous living standards. The Gospel enables you to live in the world, but does not allow you to live any way you want to live.

As you humble yourself to the power of the Gospel you will be enabled by God’s grace to choose to walk in the light. You will be able to resist the dark influences of this life. This is what Paul was calling the Corinthians back to–Gospel-centered living.

As he finished up his light vs. dark analogies in chapter six, he closed his train of thought by making a Gospel appeal. He appealed to the Corinthians to choose to live holy lives because they had received the promise of the Father.

Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God. – 2 Corinthians 7:1 (ESV)

Paul is essentially saying, “Because you have the Gospel, I appeal to you to cleanse yourself from every sinful thing that influences you and choose to walk in holiness.” This is what we all can do. Though we cannot separate from the world, we can choose to not let the world have influence over us.

What influences your life?

It is easy to test yourself on this matter of what influences you. Here is a simple test question: is there something going on in your life that you do not want others to know about? How you answer that question will tell you quickly as to whether you have ungodly influences in your life.

Don’t move too fast here. Think about it. Let me say it again: Is there something going on in your life that you do not want others to know about? Stop. Think. How did you answer that question?

Another way you can test yourself is by assessing the people and/or the things that you allow to influence you. Here are some sample questions that can help you to accurately assess your heart. Remember, the things your heart is drawn to will tell you the condition of your heart.

1. What is your heart generally drawn to?
2. What kind of people are you generally drawn to?
3. When you have nothing to do, what do you do?
4. When you have nothing to think about, what do you think about?
5. What is the spiritual depth of your regular circle of friends?
6. What is the spiritual depth of your favorite media materials? (TV shows, movies, podcasts, music, books, etc.)
7. What kinds of activities are you generally drawn to: (1) Self-serving activities; (2) Other-serving activities.
8. Describe your passion for God?
9. Describe the practical influence that God has over your life? (The operative word here is practical.)
10. Who are your main teachers, i.e. Bible, passionate Christians, sports, culture, movies, worldly people, etc.

If your closest friends are people who are unhappily married, then you’re going to be unhappily married. If your closest friends are more interested in partying and playing, then they will be the controlling influence in your life.

If your closest friends are more interested in shopping than walking in holiness, then you will not be interested in holiness. If your main media input is not Biblio-centric, then your heart will be distant from God and cold toward others.

Not white – not black

The temptation for today’s Christian is not to deny God outright like what Paul was dealing with in the New Testament. Today’s Christian is different. We adhere to more of a sanctified covetousness. In the art world they call it 18% gray, the place that is between black and white.

We want Jesus, but we also want social acceptance and social affluence. We want Jesus and we want to live in the right house, drive the right car, hang with the right people, and wear the right clothes. These are the things that influence way too many Christians today.

You cannot be yoked to Jesus and something else if you expect rest for your soul. Who is in your yoke with you? Is it Jesus or some donkey from the world? You can’t have Jesus and something else in your yoke. There are only two spots in the yoke and one of those spots belongs to you.

It is your choice as to who you want in your yoke. Who do you want in your yoke?

Are you a Christian? If so, do you not know who you belong to? Do you not know who you have been yoked to? It is Christ. My appeal to you is similar to Paul’s: let Him be in the yoke with you. I pray that He will be my yoke-fellow. I’m tempted to say, “God is my co-pilot.”^[1]

In the sense that Paul was talking, He should be. Is he?

Because you have these promises, I appeal to you to make a clean break from that which controls you and cling to Christ alone. If you will make a clean break from the things that are defiling you, then you will be able to bring holiness to completion (2 Corinthians 7:1).

God has already made you holy, so now you must choose to become what He has already made you to be. Don’t wait around to see what God will do. You have to make a decision as to whether you want to come out of the nonsense, secrecy, addiction, darkness, and bad influences of your life so you can trust God.

These are my sermon notes, put in a narrative format. You can find the entire sermon on 2 Corinthians 6:14-7:1 here. If you would like some help “coming out of the world,” please contact me. We can set-up an appointment.

1. ^[1] Somebody shoot me. I never thought I would say that and mean it. ↩

From Logos - His mind was so clear and his literary style so chaste and lucid that it is a real joy to read his works and one derives pleasure and profit at the same time. —D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones

Warfield is remembered as one of Reformed theology’s most ardent defenders. He strongly adhered to Calvinism as supported by the Westminster Confession of Faith, and his writings often concentrate on this aspect of theology.

This book is marked by the careful exegesis for which Warfield was renowned, and lays a solid foundation for an acceptance of biblical authority. The argument is compelling; I do not believe it has ever been answered. —John Stott

B. B. Warfield’s volume on divine revelation and biblical inspiration pioneered a view of the Bible’s infallibility, inerrancy, and authority. Many modern Reformed and evangelical Christians still hold to the beliefs and arguments set forth in Revelation and Inspiration.

The Works of B.B. Warfield, Vol. 1: Revelation and Inspiration, by B. B. Warfield (eBook format)

Trusting God, by Jerry Bridges

Adversity is hard to endure and can even be harder to understand.

If God were really in control, why would He allow the tragic auto accident or crucial job loss?

How could He permit cancer in a loved one or the death of a child? Grappling with His concern for us we ask, “Why is God allowing this” or “What have I done wrong.”

In an effort to strengthen his own trust in God during a time of adversity, Jerry Bridges began a lengthy Bible study on the topic of God’s sovereignty.

What he learned changed his life, and he now shares the fruit of that study with you in Trusting God. As you begin to explore the scope of God’s power over nations, nature, and the detailed lives of individuals, you’ll begin to acknowledge His loving control. And as you come to know Him better, you’ll find yourself trusting Him more completely. Even when life hurts.

Trusting God, Jerry Bridges (audiobook)

How can I help you?

This was an amazingly kind email from a member of our Membership Site, one that affirms God’s vision that He has placed in our hearts:

Dear Rick,
There seems to be so many ways to help. Whatever my church does or does not do, I want to be part of a national/international movement of getting more people on board with this Gospel-centered vision.

I want others to “get it” and to spread the word and grow more leaders and impact churches, and change lives. Thank you, - Samantha

Here was my partial response

Thank you so much. As you think about serving us, here are a few things to think about as far as how you and others can help us:

• Pray through how to market our resources, e.g. Twitter, Facebook, and other social media sites. Ask millions to join, follow, and distribute. You can do this today by marketing us through your Social Media outlets.
• Pray about how to grow the Member Site, even if all they want to do is support us at $4.95. Some treat us as “missionaries” and support us at $4.95 per mo.
• Distribute our Small Group Life book to a zillion folks. You can also do this through Facebook and other Social Media outlets.
• Get my website on every church website in the world. The website is my “big box” store. It’s our “Best Buy” or “Whole Foods.” The diff is that we’ve placed it in the “sky.”
• Find a small army of volunteers to do the work: e.g. Translating more articles into more languages, tech savvy people who want to volunteer.
• Build a network of Gospel-centered counselors who want to work for pay or no pay–their choice.
• Find donors who believe in what we’re doing and want to contribute to our Non Profit Ministry.
• We need funds to build the mother of all websites that would accommodate all Christians, everywhere around the word.
• Our specialty is sanctification so we deal with all things that pertain to life and godliness through a Gospel-centered filter.

We are amazingly busy and blessed. The Father has given us a real big door and we’re grateful for His mercies. And I’m grateful that you would ask how you could help. – rick

I think it would be accurate to say that every person that I have counseled over the last 15 years has asked some version of the same question.

Does that strike you as amazing?

I’m sure there have been some exceptions, but nearly every person who has come to me for help has asked essentially the same thing.

Here are some of the variations of the same question:

How do I change?

How does she change?

How do I know he has changed?

What does change look like?

No matter how you slice it, the question is about “change.” Somebody wants somebody to change. Either the person asking wants to change or he wants to know how someone else can change.

Here is another striking observation: repentance, the Bible word for change, is under-valued and under-utilized in Christian relationships. Though the most-oft-asked question is about change, the dynamics of repentance are not regularly active in many Christian’s lives.

Test yourself to see how you do. Let me ask you a few questions to see how you value and utilize repentance:

1. When is the last time you asked someone to forgive you?
2. How often do you ask your spouse to forgive you?
3. How often do you ask God to forgive you?
4. Do you regularly ask others to bring loving correction to your life?
5. Are you more apt to let a person sin without calling them to repentance?
6. Are you tempted to hide your sin from your friends?

How did you do? Are you regularly on the receiving and granting end of forgiveness? Are you a repenting friend? Do you live in a community of repenting friends? We can, you know?

Christ came to die because of sin. He gave His life so we could be freed from sin. Isn’t this amazing news? Isn’t it great news, the best news? The power of the Gospel in our lives is limitless.

We have something that the world can’t touch. They are frenetic in their pursuit to drown out the noise of their guilty consciences. Not the Christian. We have an other-worldly power working in our lives. Regular, daily cleansing is our gift because of the Gospel.

Liabilities of not changing

Are you enjoying these Gospel-riches? Though we were completely justified at salvation, the doctrine of progressive sanctification implies there is still more work to do. Progressive sanctification means the progressive removal of sin.

God gave us a way to remove sin, which is through repentance. The responsibility is on us to access this means of grace so sin can be incrementally removed from our lives.

If we do not regularly repent of our sin then we will be hindered in our growth into Christlikeness. Un-removed sin creates collateral soul damage. Here is a sampling of what can happen inside of us if we’re not regularly repenting:

• spiritual immaturity
• spiritual blindness
• lack of discernment
• quenching of the Spirit
• grieving of the Spirit
• hardening of the conscience
• dullness of our spirit
• addiction to sin
• the growth of more sin

These things will hinder our growth in God, our relationship with God, and our relationship with others.

How do I change?

A regular question I ask in counseling is, “Did you repent?” Sometimes I will follow-up with, “How did you do it?” You may be surprised at some of the answers I get. More times than not, the answers are vague and outside of biblical bounds.

It is important that we all know how to repent. I think sometimes we can just say “repent,” but not carefully walk a person through the process of repenting. The following steps are what I would consider a biblical process of repentance:

1. Sin happens. Sin is the condition for repentance. It is important that we know what sin is. This requires the ability to identify sin. If you don’t have sound and robust sin categories then you may not know that you sinned and, thus, cannot repent of your sin.
2. Once the sin happens, the repentant man will be convicted. This is the kindness of God. Conviction is one of God’s mercies to us.
3. The Spirit of God not only brings clarity to the sinner about his sin, but He begins to move the sinner’s heart away from his sin by reminding him of the Gospel–God’s solution for sin.
4. The convicted man is humbled by the realities of the cross. He not only realizes what he did, but that God is merciful to take his sin and place it on His Son so the sinner can be permanently freed from this specific sin.
5. Armed with a Gospel-centered awareness, the sinner confesses his sin to God.
6. God freely forgives and freely cleanses the man from his sin.
7. The freed man is now restored and reconciled to God.
8. If he has sinned against others, he will confess and repent to them so he can be restored and reconciled to others.
9. Freely forgiven, he is compelled to share with others what God has done.
10. He may ask a few close friends to help him so that he does not sin this way again. He shares his sin patterns only because of his affection for God. He is appropriately suspicious of himself, therefore he solicits the help of friends to serve him in his walk with the Savior.
11. Others become encouraged and emboldened to share their sins because they see the hope and the freedom this man has in the Gospel and they don’t want to hide any longer.

These possibilities sound too wonderful to believe, but they are true. We can be free in Christ all the time. Sin is only a depressing thought to those who have no means to get rid of their sin.

But for those who understand the Gospel, they are not overwhelmed or discouraged by their sin. They  are ready and willing to attack their sin because they know the power that is found in the Gospel.

Because of the power of the Gospel the Christian community is released to be a confessing and repenting community. Praise God for the Savior’s cross-work on our behalf.

The template for change

The goal of repentance is not vague or hard to discern. Simply put…the goal of repentance is to be like Christ. Jesus is the template or bench mark we compare ourselves to.

If a person is repentant, then there is a conscious effort to continue to grow into Christlikeness. Christ is the goal and repentance is the only vehicle that will get you to the goal.

If you want to know what Christ “looked” like so you can model Him, then let me point you to Galatians 5:22-23 or 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Paul gives us two clear templates of what Christ looked like and how we can imitate Him.

Repentance should not be a mystery. It should be obvious, objective, and measurable. All you or I need to do is hold up the picture of our lives to the picture of Christ. Then humbly move toward Him in authentic repentance.

And remember that you are not looking for perfection. That is not possible. However, you can look for objective evidences that would signify change from your Adamic ways to Christlike ways. Minimally, you should see objective manifestations of the fruit of the Spirit, even if in embryonic form.

How do I know change is real?

Occasionally I’m asked the question if repentance is real. This is usually when a spouse is wondering if his/her spouse is genuine and sincere in their repentance. This is a huge question that requires biblical discernment.

Some of the elements that you would observe in a repentant person are: humility, sincerity, transparency, and honesty. These character traits should accompany anyone who is sincerely seeking to live out the Christ-life.

A repentant person is a humble person. Humility is the prerequisite to receiving God’s empowering grace (James 4:6). The humble heart is the foundation and if present, it will set off a chain of events:

1. Humility opens the door to empowering grace
2. Empowering grace comes from the Spirit
3. The Spirit not only enables, but He illuminates the mind
4. Now the repentant person has the power and the clarity to identify sin and to change

This process outlined above is essential if change is going to take place. The reason it is essential is because it represents the keys that allow the Christian to live a life of repentance and on-going repenting.

Our life is progressive in nature, which is what theologians have termed progressive sanctification. Our life should resemble the “stock market,” in that we should always be trending upward, though there will be dips all along the way.

How to measure objective change

With the Spirit of God engaging the humble heart and the Word of God actively and powerfully illuminating the mind, any person can change. Though there will be imperfections in exhibiting certain manifestations of the Christ life, there should be some things that accompany anyone who has authentically repented.

The following, though it is not an exhaustive list, are some of the things I look for when addressing my own heart as well as those the Father allows me to serve:

Teachability: a humble person is a teachable person. He is a learner. He does not push back or resist your counsel, even if your counsel is not the best or even wrong.

The teachable person is not about proving his point anymore. He’s more apt to listen than disagree. Even when he feels compelled to disagree, there is discernible humility in his voice.

It’s not about him anymore, which is the exact opposite of what sin is about. Sin is all about “me,” but genuine repentance has a noticeable concern for God and others.

Open to correction: The repentant person is correctable–you can correct him. This is an amazing turn of events in his demeanor. The Gospel-centered person has nothing to protect and nothing to hide.

Personally, I don’t enjoy correction, but when I am corrected and by the grace of God receive it, then I know that God is working in me. Correction cuts against the grain of my proud heart. You will know quickly if a person is genuinely repentant. If so, then he can be corrected.

Change happens: each new encounter with a repentant person, especially in a discipleship context, should be a “step up” from the previous encounter. I’ve used the analogy of walking up steps as a metaphor regarding what change should look like when caring for others.

True repentance should look like a person walking up steps. He is getting higher with each step. He is moving forward as each day goes by. He is progressively changing. He should be changing from week to week, even if only small ways–baby stepping all the way back to Jesus.

He asks more questions and makes less statements: the repentant person is an inquiring person. He is anxious to receive from you rather than telling you why he has done this or that. The proud person talks a lot and makes many statements.

The humble person will ask more questions and seek to learn because he wants to change and grow. He is no longer interested in winning points or presenting air-tight arguments. He also has a growing disinterest in rationalizing or justifying his actions.

The light has been left on–by God: I don’t know how to explain this one except to say that a repentant person is being illuminated by the Spirit of God. He gets truth. He understands the Bible. The biblical concepts and truths you communicate to him make sense to him.

On a few occasions I’ve counseled folks who seem more like a concrete block in that they don’t get truth. Yes, I’m aware that I can be a poor communicator. I get that. But I’m also aware that the Spirit of God speaks clearly to spiritual people–in spite of me. If there is a lack of repentance in a person’s heart, then there can be dullness of hearing.

They are not resistant: I’ve talked about this above, but it needs its own category because it is so huge. The humble person does not push back from your counsel. Even if you are wrong or don’t say it exactly right they are more self-suspicious than defiant. They are open, kind, receptive, respectful, and willing to learn.

They will give you the benefit of the doubt and be quick to see the log in their own eye, while paying less attention to the speck that is in your eye (Matthew 7:3-5). The bottom line for them is that they want to change. They are less exacting and more repentant.

The changed heart

I have had the joy of counseling many repentant people through the years. They bring simultaneous joy and conviction to my soul. Joy, because I rejoice in God at His incredible grace in their lives. Conviction, because the Spirit often reminds me to be like them.

They are my heroes. I wish I could write their stories, to tell you what God has done in their lives. It’s an incredible and rewarding job I have. I’m blessed to not only know them, but to watch God work so effectively in their lives. They inspire faith in me by their humble repentance and grace motivated determination to be like my Savior.

Btw, you’re welcome to checkout my short video (10 minutes) which walks you through how to repent. I trust it will serve you in your journey with the Christ.

The most common email requests I get from people are questions regarding specific situations in their lives.

Every morning when I wake up there are emails from real people with real problems, looking for practical answers.

They are not interested in what a book says.

They don’t want to hear another sermon.

They’re looking for someone who will take the time to listen to them, understand them, and give them practicalized Bible feedback.

Even the best Christian books and well-crafted sermons cannot do what a Christian can do when he/she is sitting in front of a real person offering real answers.^[1]

This kind of vision for discipleship requires a lot. It requires the discipler to dedicate real time to a real person.^[2] It requires the one being discipled to be humble, open, honest, and vulnerable. This should not be an unusual approach to building lives.

Jesus was a dialogue guy

This is how Jesus built His team and followers. When you read the four gospels, you will notice how Jesus rarely taught in a monologue type format. Though He was a teacher, the Bible does not devote a lot of time telling us about His teaching. If you pull out the sermon on the mount you would find very little teaching (monologue method) from the Savior (Matthew 5-7).

Monologue type teaching was not His specialty. Jesus was a dialogue guy. He spent nearly all of His time in the New Testament hanging with folks, teaching them how to be like Himself.

One of the weaknesses of the modern day church is that we’ve given discipleship over to popular authors, Bible studies, podcasts, and sermons. While there is a place for this when it comes to discipling others, it should not be our primary method. This monologue discipleship model has had at least two negative side-effects on the church:

Side effect #1 - It has given rise to the biblical counseling (BC) movement–especially para-church organizations like mine. The BC movement deals with real people with real problems in a customized way–similar to the way Jesus did.

The church seems to be overly-focused on teaching (yes, I said that), but when somebody has a problem, they are tempted to refer the hurting person out because they don’t have time, resources, or the expertise to deal with sanctification problems.

Read that sentence again. Did it sound odd to you? The church seems to be preoccupied with programs and ministry demands, while naively assuming that folks are practicalizing the Gospel in customizable ways.^[3]

Side effect #2 - It has broken down community by creating more of an isolation mindset where people are feeding themselves. People are retreating to their books, podcasts, and “personal devotions” in order to find answers to their most perplexing problems.

Rather than running into the community to receive help from the community, they are more private, insecure, and guarded about their real selves. There is a growing distrust of the community.^[4]

What would Jesus do?

When you read the story of how Christ built His church or how the early church developed each other, you get a different picture. For example, take some reflective time to read this passage below about the early church. As you read this section from Acts I want you to note the feel of the passage.

It has the feel of community–all people having all things in common. It has the feel of mutual sharing, caring, and communal intrusion into each other’s lives. It does not have the lecturer and student feel. It does not have an isolationist’s feel at all. There is a sense of transparency, vulnerability, and humility that bleeds through this passage.

Gospel-centered people have nothing to protect and nothing to hide. They have one common goal in three parts:

1. We want to know more about Jesus.
2. We want to mutually experience the life of Jesus with each other.
3. We hope to share Jesus to a lost world.

And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common.

And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved. – Acts 2:42-47 (ESV)

They were into each other’s business. This has a far different sound to it than the guardedness of the average Christian today. When it comes to real matters of the heart, today’s Christian prefers getting fixed in private, only to resurface later in order to do community with fellow believers.

The New Testament Christian was not that insecure or image conscious. They came just as they were, integrated with other fellow strugglers, and mutually matured each other in Christ. They seemed to be well-aware of what was going on in the lives of those around them–including their thought lives.

Jesus lived with and “read” people

The New Testament believers learned this kind of Gospel-living and practice from the Savior’s leaders. The folks Jesus trained passed on what they learned to other New Testament Christians.

And how did the Savior do it? His primary discipleship style was living with the folks He trained. He knew He would not be able to do monologue teaching–the buckshot approach. He needed to love them, learn them, and then lead them from within their social context.

You will not get to know a person the way you should know a person by attending a safe and sterile Bible study or other assorted church meetings. I am not saying that biblical training and studies are not necessary or not effective. Actually, they are. Knowing the Bible is absolutely essential. However, growing in Bible knowledge and being Christlike are two different things.

Paul was one of the most learned students of his day. He was a Bible scholar. But poor Paul did not know how to take what he knew about the Bible and live it out biblically (Acts 22:3). Somebody had to teach him.

Nicodemus was another learned student of his day, but he stumbled all over the new birth. He knew a lot, but he did not know how to take the Old Testament, which is what he had, and practicalize it into his life. He, like Paul, needed someone to teach him (John 3:1-8).

The Samaritan woman was trained by her culture and religion. She was a hybrid in more ways than one. Her religious training was just as deficient as Paul’s and Nick’s. She needed someone to “unpack” her. That person was Jesus.

He did not send her to a Bible study or ask her to listen to a sermon. He exegeted her on the spot–at the well. He took a real person and got into her real business and customized the Gospel to her while hanging in her social environment (John 4:7-26).

Paul, Nick, and the Samaritan woman had one thing in common. They met Jesus in the milieu–in the real social environment in which they lived.^[5] Jesus met all of His “counselees” where they lived. This positioned Him to be an effective discipler.

He did not have to offer Paul, Nick, or the Samaritan woman a good book to read. He read them and then told them what He was reading. He could pull this off because He spent time with them. He really knew them.

[He] needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man. – John 2:25 (ESV)

Taking it to the streets

Too many pastors and other ministry leaders meet their people “at church” or in other environments that are ministerially sterile or artificial. They listen to their problems, offer some counsel, make a book recommendation, and send them on their way. It does not work well.

I’m in a similar boat. When people call me, they want to bring their world into my office so we can have a conversation. I’m glad they are willing to come and I’m glad to serve them in the minimal way in which biblical counseling can serve a person.

But this puts me in a dilemma because I cannot help them in the comprehensive way in which they need help. They need someone on site, in their lives, serving them, observing them, and bringing discipleship care to them.

Jesus spent time eating, drinking, and relaxing with His friends. He did life with those He developed. He knew them inside and out. He knew the nuance of their lives. What He got out of them by living with them was priceless information.^[6]

The Savior’s day-timer

The closest proximation we have in our culture today to what the Savior had in His day are variations of small group life. Jesus lived in a small group. Within that small group He proportioned His leadership development time differently.

For example, He seemed to spend more time with Peter, James, and John. As we follow P, J, & J throughout the rest of the New Testament, it seems to be self-evident why He did that. These guys were used differently and mightily in building the Savior’s church.

His leadership development and calendar space seemed to roll out like this:

1. Jesus – He spent time with the Father being refreshed, challenged, and envisioned.
2. Peter, James, and John – These guys got the top spots on His calendar.
3. Other Apostles – He then spent time developing the rest of His team.
4. Mary, Martha, and other friends – He never forgot the community. He had lots of friends and was often found with them, but not to the neglect of building the main guys who would carry the mission/vision.
5. Multitudes – He would preach to this group and occasionally bust out some bread to feed them as well as other ministry efforts. Of course, He had His team do the feeding. He did the multiplying.
6. Pharisees and other resisters – Occasionally He would do some apologetic and evangelistic work.

I think as you flip through the Savior’s day-timer, what is above is what you would see. He was a man on a mission. The mission had two primary parts: (1) Die for the sins of the world; (2) Get His main guys envisioned and equipped to carry the Gospel message to build up His church.

He did a good job. Fortunately, we only have to do one part of His mission which is found in Ephesians 4:12-14. This is one of the things we’re not doing well today: in our zeal to get the Gospel message out we’re not doing a good enough job developing our infrastructure–our core group of leaders.

We’re providing books and Bible studies, assuming they are able to practicalize the Bible into their lives. We don’t give enough thought to how this is going until we find out a decade later that a leader’s marriage is on the brink of divorce. We are perplexed as to how that happened.

• They have been attending church here for two decades.
• They have been teaching Sunday school for a long time.
• They head up our mission outreach each year.
• They are well-respected and loved in our church.
• They have counseled dozens of our folks through the years.

And then we say, “I never saw it coming.” The reason we did not see it coming was because we were not involved in their lives. We miscalculated the doctrine of sin and the doctrine of sanctification. We assumed sound preaching, good books, and other ministries would do the trick.

Jesus was not that confident. He did not leave sanctification solely up to the plain teaching of the Old Testament. He preferred to get more involved. The best discipleship is hands-on discipleship. We are two-thousand years removed from when the Savior trained His group and His method is still the best.

Yes, we have better technology. We have brought incredible precision to our beliefs through councils and creeds. We have written a dizzying amount of books and Bible study materials. Even with all of these things, none of them can replace or trump building relationally, one-to-one, the way Jesus did with another human being.^[7]

The functional centrality of the Gospel working practically in the lives of the local church is today’s greatest need. The way I seek to serve my church with this vision is pretty simple. There are two groups of Christian people in my life today: (1) My small group; (2) everyone else.

I know bits and pieces, more and less, and this and that about group two. The truth is I don’t know them well and have minimal impact in their lives. Then there is my small group. I cannot even begin to tell you what I know about them, what they know about me, and how we engage each other. Here are some examples:

• We have sinned against each other
• We have been angry with each other
• We have prayed for each other
• We have cried with each other
• We have laughed with each other
• We have secretly judged each other
• We have confronted each other
• We have encouraged each other
• We have said hurtful things to each other
• We have spent dozens of hours in several different contexts with each other

It is a dangerous group for the glory of God. But still after 18 months of doing life together we are not as effective as we could be and need to be. I’m okay with the progress. It took the Savior three years to get His group developed.

As you think about this article and your church, please let me know how I can serve you. This article is a “call” to the church to think through how we’re developing our fellow believers. More books and sermons are not the answers. If you would like to talk more about the content of this article, please go here.

1. ^[1] Sermons are supposed to teach, with minimal impact on change. Change comes primarily from implementing the teaching in a “One Another” context. ↩
2. ^[2] The time factor is one of the main reasons we prefer to recommend a book or a para-church ministry to help. ↩
3. ^[3] Ironically with all the Bible knowledge that we have today most Christians still have a hard time making it practical to their everyday lives. ↩
4. ^[4] One of the most often asked questions is about confidentiality, meaning, “I don’t want anyone to know what I’m going through.” They are saying in essence, “I want you to fix me so I can go back to church.” ↩
5. ^[5] This is one of the many liabilities of biblical counseling: the biblical counselor does not meet the counselee in the milieu. The biblical counselor meets the counselee in a sterile office that is far different from the life the counselee lives. I have often said that if I spent a few hours in the home of a counselee then I would learn much more than what any counseling session could give me. ↩
6. ^[6] He could be standing in a field somewhere and spot a lily or a bird and begin to practically breakdown that physical reality into a real person’s spiritual life. The reason He could do that was because He was essentially “living” with these folks (Matthew 6:25-29). ↩
7. ^[7] I cannot over-emphasize this point. I’ve written a small eBook called Small Group Life to help push this discipleship vision out to the Christian church. ↩

Terri said she never saw her parents argue.

This means: (1) she never saw her parents confess their sins;

(2) she never saw her parents pursue genuine forgiveness;

(3) and she never saw her parents repent.

Her parents were “good” Christian people and sin was something they never talked about.

Terri is a second generation Christian who happens to be married to a second generation Christian–Tom.

Tom was reared differently than Terri.

He saw his parents argue and fight all the time. However, the similarly was that he never saw them confess their sins, pursue forgiveness, or repent.

Though they came from radically different backgrounds, neither one of them knew how to argue well or to reconcile biblically. They did not know how to work through their sin occurrences and patterns because it was never modeled, discussed, or taught in their respective families.

As a teen Terri thought she was a failure because she was not able to live as righteously as her parents. She assumed they never sinned. She knew she sinned, but could never discuss it with her parents. She was partially afraid to bring it up and when she was not afraid, she did not know how to talk about her sin.

When it came to her marriage she oscillated back and forth between deep introspection for her sin and stubborn un-forgiveness when Tom sinned. All of it was frustrating to her and Tom.

For example, she would tell Tom, “My daddy never got angry.” This of course infuriated Tom–his response to sin. He felt like her parents were hypocrites and that she was holding him to an unreasonable and self-righteous standard.

The fact that he did not know how to repent and reconcile to his wife did not help matters. Neither set of parents did them any favors. Tom and Terri were ill-equipped for marriage and at a loss.

They essentially had two options:

1. Never sin again, which is really no option at all
2. Or learn how to respond to sin when it happens

Start with sin categories

Because their parents never talked about sin, neither Tom or Terri had any sin categories. Terri’s parents ignored, rationalized, justified, and occasionally said they were sorry in non-specific ways.

Tom’s parents were not as civil. They yelled and screamed a lot. They had categories, but most of them were profane and hurtful daggers that were tossed about their home. When I suggested that they create a comprehensive view of sin, which meant sin categories, they both said,

We have no sin categories. Sin is very unclear to us. I mean, we understand the big stuff–adultery, divorce, drugs–but that is not where we live day-to-day. We’re not equipped to help each other through even the small problems we encounter.

When Terri was a child she thought that her dad was often angry by the harsh tones in which he spoke to her mom. But he never owned his sin. He would laugh it off, make some snide comment, and walk away.

He always justified the way he talked to her. Terri and her mom would excuse his sin too. They would say, “That’s just dad.” This kind of thinking about sin eventually obliterated her sin categories.

She did not realize that her sin categories were getting murky. Then she married Tom. What went on behind closed doors in her parent’s home was in full view in her home. Terri had no idea how to live with such a blatant fellow sinner.

Tom, on the other hand, knew how to live with a sinner. He had seen sin-in-the-raw all his life. But the problem with how he lived with a fellow sinner was that he employed a fight fire with fire approach. That was his method.

The truth was that his categories for bad stuff were not biblical either. Since neither of them had any sin categories, neither one of them had any redemptive categories either. Things like forgiveness and repentance were idealistic religious jargon that people talked about on Sundays.

Introduce your friends and family to sin

When Terri and Tom came to counseling I suggested that they must not only learn sin categories, but they would need to begin teaching their children a more comprehensive view of sin. They did not have the luxury of learning for themselves and then teaching their kids later.

Their kids were already 12, 10, and 7 years old. They could not wait. They needed an immediate and effective course correction in their home regarding how they sinned and responded to sin. They needed to multitask.

The reason for this is because from the Bible’s perspective sin will not go away until we are with the risen Lord. Therefore, Tom and Terri had two options:

1. They could continue on and pretend that sin did not exist, which is no option at all
2. Or they could choose to deal with the doctrine of sin head-on

My counsel in situations like this has always been to state the obvious. Sin is very obvious in our lives. It is unwise to sugar-coat it, ignore it, or to cut the corners off of it. Sin will not respond to you in such a timid fashion.

Sin takes prisoners. If you do not fight against it with aggression, you will lose the battle. It is not possible for a dad or a mom to parent their children without sinning. You may be dead to sin, but sin is alive and active and it’s in your home.

A husband, wife, and children cannot live with each other without sinning publicly and privately. This is why it is absolutely essential for the entire family to be onboard with how they work through sin.^[1]

Parents, your home is a laboratory where trial and error, pass and fail is a common occurrence. This is a good thing if you are Christian parents. The reason for this is because Christians have an answer. We have hope.

Sin and failure is not the miserable end for us, but the victorious beginning. We can take one look to a non-descript hill and see where sin was defeated. And when He came out of the tomb it was truly finished. We have the victory over sin. It is through Jesus.

Only the unregenerate should be hiding the fact that they sin. They are the ones who have no hope or victory. Do you think it is odd for a Christian to hide or deny his/her sin? That’s like a strong man saying he has no strength.

I want my children to know that I sin. I want them to know who I really am…as much as appropriate and depending on their ages and biblical maturity. I want them to know the truth about me, the good and the bad.

But more importantly, I want them to see how I work through my sin against God, my wife, and each of them. I want them to see the power of the Gospel in my life.

I might as well want this because I can’t hide the crippling effects of my sin from them. Shoot, they live with me. They know me. To blush and ignore the truth about who I really am mocks the death of Christ.

Be honest. Be real. Be transparent. Be humble. Failing is not the end. We have Jesus. That means we can show our children and our friends the other side. That’s the side where the grace of God is.

The best part of the dark side

A family that has a Gospel-centered view of sin is experiencing something that never crosses the mind of the unregenerate person. Once you tap into the grace of God at this level, you open yourself up to some of the more special and secret places that God holds out to the humble. If you are proud the sign says, “I oppose you.” If you’re humble it says, “I give you empowering favor.” (James 4:6)

The irony is that this kind of grace cannot be experienced apart from sin. It is only because of sin that you can experience these wonderful empowering riches from the hand of our merciful Father.

Let me illustrate: we live next to a hospital. My children have never been to that hospital in order to be helped. They have passed by that hospital hundreds of times going here and there. But they are clueless as to the benefits of our neighborhood hospital.

Why is that?

They have never needed what our hospital offers. They must be sick in order to enjoy the benefits of the hospital. I trust that when their time of sickness comes, they won’t ignore, blame, rationalize, or try to justify their sickness away. My hope is that they would eagerly run to this wonderful means of grace.

If you’re sick, run to help. That makes sense, right? The following is a short list of benefits–helps–that come to any Christian who is willing to let others know he/she is sick–that they sin. You can say it this way, The Gospel-centered sinner is…

1. Applying the Gospel to his sin.
2. Learning how to confess sin, which in time becomes his biblical habit.
3. Enjoying the benefits of being forgiven by God and others.
4. Experiencing the gift of humility.
5. Living in God’s grace, which the Father bestows on the humble.
6. Experiencing reconciliation and restoration with those he sins against.
7. Teaching his children how to live in the good and the power of the Gospel.
8. Modeling a way of escape that his children can emulate for the rest of their lives.
9. Seeing himself clearly through a biblical lens rather than a self-righteous one.
10. Being honest, transparent, vulnerable, and authentic.

This is really an amazing list. It’s for you. I talk to parents regularly who are doing these things and it is such an encouragement to hear their stories of grace regarding God’s faithfulness to them, their friends and their families.

Of course, as you might expect the opposite is also true. If you don’t introduce your family to a comprehensive view of sin then there can be many sinful side-effects. Here are a few:

Insecurity - When your children see your sin, but are not walked through your sin, they will be left with the uneasy feeling that everything is not okay in the home. Fussy parents make insecure kids, who will look for other forms of security as they grow older.

Anger - As they get older, it is possible they will walk away from God because they may interpret your Christianity as just a method to keep them out of trouble, but it had no real impact on your life. They may overtly or covertly resent you–also called anger.

Dishonesty - Your children may choose to model what you modeled for them. By ignoring or not owning your sin, you’re essentially saying sin does not exist or that it does not matter. The truth is, it does exist and it does matter. They begin to live the lie that you modeled for them.

Self-Righteousness - They will not be equipped to work through relational conflict. As adults, when sin happens, instead of repenting, they may choose the self-righteous path of justifying or blaming their sin away.

Licentiousness - Typically when a person cannot gain victory over sin they are tempted to sin more as a response to sin. This is the frustrating cycle of sin. Sin is never satisfied. Sin begets more sin. If sin is not exposed and discussed and the family is not walking out repentance, you can pretty much guarantee more sin.

Disqualified - It is possible that your children will not only resent you, but not listen to your counsel, even when you are right. Your lack of being honest about yourself will influence their perspective of you. This could functionally disqualify you as a parent.

Unleash the freedom and the power of the Gospel

The very death of Christ on the cross loudly proclaims that we are sinners. In short, we stink to the core. No Christian should seek to hide this fact. To deny sin is to deny the reason the Gospel came.

Sadly, our shame is part of the complexity of sin. Sin makes us ashamed of ourselves. And it should. However, what we ought to do instead of trying to ignore what is wrong with us, is that we should bring our shame to the cross and experience the freedom and the power that is found in the Gospel.

One of the kindest things you can do is to learn how to introduce sin to your family and friends so they can enjoy the full benefits of the Gospel. Model before them what sin is and what you are supposed to do about it. Let your friends see that you may be ashamed of your sin, but you are not ashamed of the Gospel.

If you do this, then you will begin to release an entire generation of people who will be able to sin and quickly remove it. This will also remove the lingering effects of sin that so many of us have experienced from those who have gone before us who have not done what I am calling you and me to do.

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. – 1 John 1:8-10 (ESV)

1. ^[1] You can view my short, 10-minute video called the Doctrine of Repentance on our YouTube Channel ↩

Sandra has struggled all her life with people pleasing.

She said she could not remember a time when she was free from thinking about what others thought about her.

The way she dresses, the car she drives, the technology she carries, and the house she owns are all controlled to some degree by what others think of her.

A peek into her life

• She is fanatical about working out because of her keen awareness of what a “nice looking body” should look like.
• On a few occasions she has caught herself stretching the truth. She says she spins her stories because the real story doesn’t seem as interesting.
• She is fearful of bringing a bag lunch to the office because everyone else goes out to a local restaurant to eat. She’d rather go into debt than feeling like the odd man out.
• She has a low-grade anger toward her boyfriend because he pressured her to have sex with him. She believed he would leave her if she didn’t have sex. She needs to be loved by someone. Having a boyfriend is one of her ways of feeling significant.

Her biblical counselor quickly discerned that her problem was fear of man (Proverbs 29:25). The counselor told her she needed to be more concerned with pleasing God rather than others.

From there, the counselor laid out a plan of prayer, Bible study, and service oriented activities in order for her to practice a lifestyle of pleasing God.

The mistake the counselor made was not carefully unpacking what pleasing God meant to an idolator like Sandra. Sandra is an idolator who has been living a performance-driven, people pleasing lifestyle.

When she was told that she needed to be more willing to please God than man, it was not a difficult thing for her to do. People pleasing was what she knew best. Unfortunately, she was not told what pleases God so she did what she has always done–she ratcheted up her obedience.

Who can please God?

And a voice came from heaven, You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased. – Mark 1:11 (ESV)

Christ pleases God. Anything the Son does pleases the Father. Jesus came to do the will of the Father and He completed that task perfectly. The Father received the finished work of the Son and now a way has been made for us to please the Father by accepting the Son’s work.

Without faith it is impossible to please him. – Hebrews 11:6 (ESV)

A Christian, who is living by faith in the works of the Son, is pleasing God. Pleasing God is not about what we do, but about believing in the only One who could authentically please the Father. Even on our best day, with our best works, we would not be acceptable to God.

We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. – Isaiah 64:6 (ESV)

Sandra is a Christian. However, she is not seeking to please God by trusting (faith) in Him. She is still performing, but this time she is performing for the Father, hoping to get a good grade.

Rather than accepting what is pleasing to God–the works of the Son, she tries to please Him by her obedience. For example, she says she feels more spiritual by going to church. She believes her activity for God gives her more of God. She feels more spiritual when she is doing.

She also says that if she misses her prayer time, Bible reading, or a church meeting she feels less spiritual. She will read her 4.25 chapters each day, even while brushing her teeth so she can check it off.

Sandra is convinced that if she has her morning prayer time and things go well for her during the day, then she will partially contribute God’s favor on her based on her prayer-time-obedience.

As you might imagine, if she does not have her prayer time and things do not go well for her during the day, she feels as though her lack of prayer (disobedience) caused her day to go bad. Sometimes her friends affirm her theology of legalism when they observe her bad day and say, “You must not be prayed-up today.”

As you can see, when her biblical counselor gave her a list of things to do in order to please God, Sandra initially was excited about the list. Any people pleasing, self-reliant, performance-driven person would be.

However, as time went by, she could not juggle her list of spiritual disciplines with the rest of her life. Eventually discouragement and depression set in–she could not keep up. From her perspective, God was not pleased with her–basing this on her poor performance.

According to Sandra’s functional theology she could control God’s pleasure by what she did rather than what the Son did. Her understanding of Christ’s work was limited. She believed the Gospel was for her salvation, while her obedience was the primary thing needed for her sanctification.

What about obedience?

Obedience is obviously hugely important to any Christian. However, the key is to make sure that your obedience is not an effort to please God, but a response to your faith in God. This is the context when Paul told the Corinthians that:

We make it our aim to please him. – 2 Corinthians 5:9 (ESV)

Paul was trying to get the Corinthians to understand that pleasing God was a walk by faith rather than by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). The context for the passage was Paul’s appeal to get them to trust Christ rather than the things that they could see. (See 2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

If the Corinthians were trusting Christ in the way that Paul was outlining, then they would be pleasing God too. Pleasing God is about faith. Obedience is another matter. Obedience is the biblical response from a person who is trusting Christ.

Don’t you think it pleases God when you trust (faith) Him? And because you trust Him, you obey Him. The logic would flow like this:

1. I trust God.
2. God is pleased that I trust Him.
3. Because I trust Him, I obey Him.

Sandra needs to start over. She needs to understand what pleasing God means. It means to trust Him, which she is not doing. If she trusted Him she would not be trying to please Him. Contrariwise, she is trusting her works and if her works are satisfactory, according to her estimation, then God is pleased with her.

God has a good opinion of her if she is trusting His Son for salvation. This truth must be inculcated into her brain. Because she is a Christian she is in Christ and she cannot be any more in Christ.

Being more obedient does not make her more in Christ. When she was regenerated God was pleased with her and His pleasure in her does not ebb and flow.

She must guard her heart from the subtle deception that what she does through obedience can merit a better standing before God. For Sandra this is amazingly huge. She is an insecure, people pleasing, co-dependent, performance-driven person.

Warning: If you are not daily affected by Christ’s finished work on the cross you can subtly slip into an obedience lifestyle thinking that what you do pleases God as though there is some kind of merit you can achieve through your obedience.

Obedience is born out of faith in Christ

As Paul was teaching us in Corinthians, obedience is what a person does who is trusting Christ. Obedience is not something you work at as though you need a list. Obedience comes from the ontological realities of the heart. It is the logical and expected life of a person who is born again.^[1]

James teaches us this in chapter two of his book. If you are a Christian the fruit will grow. Faith without works is dead (James 2:17). Works is an assumption and expected response for the believer.

Some may argue that this is quietism or passive obedience. If that is the argument, then the point has been missed entirely. That would be like saying because I am a human I will passively grow. That is silly.

You will not passively grow. You must make real obedient choices to eat if you want to grow. You must decide what to eat with discernment and wisdom if you want to grow healthy. The reason you make those real choices is because you are a human rather than a chair or stump or some other inanimate object.

The reason you choose obedience is because you are a Christian. Obedience is what Christians do, but to frame it as pleasing God is not in line with the Gospel. Paul had strong words for that when he wrote to the churches of Galatia (Galatians 1:6-9).

Gospel-motivated obedience

I like the term Gospel-motivated works as a way to define obedience. I would want to direct Sandra regarding her motive for obedience rather than merely trying to get her to be obedient.

Her counselor did not do this. She was attempting to get Sandra to switch the object of her obedience from man to God–rather than pleasing man, she needed to please God. She should have sought to help her to switch her motive for obedience.

Jesus would say, If you love me, you will keep my commandments (John 14:15). Of course you would. That is an assumption. The operative phrase is if you love me. The reason we love Christ is because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). It would breakdown like this:

1. Christ loved us
2. Therefore we love Him
3. Out of that love we obey

If you have been affected by Christ’s obedience on your behalf, then you will love Him, and because you love Him you will keep His commandments.

Sandra was relieved and encouraged to know that she did not have to please God to gain His good opinion. She began to understand that her standing before God was as secure today as it was when He first acted upon her.

However, because her life had always been wrapped up in people pleasing, she was unclear as to what Gospel-motivated obedience looked like. This kind of thinking was a complete paradigm shift for her. Her legalism lulled her into rote behavior.

Sandra was trying to break the mold, but still perplexed as to how to practically obey God just for the joy of it. This is where her new counselor began to teach her about Gospel-motiavated obedience.

That was done by looking at how the Bible writers connected practical obedience to the Gospel. Here is a short list:

Gospel Motivated Mercy - Then his master summoned him and said to him, You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you? - Matthew 18:32-33 (ESV)

There is an assumption from the Master that this guy should have remembered what happened to him in the courtroom. If he had remembered the Gospel, he would have gone out and modeled (obedience) that same kind of Gospel-mercy to the man who owed far less than what he owed. The Master was asking him a rhetorical question that could be paraphrased this way:

Because I had mercy on you through the Gospel, you should have done the same to your friend. You should have been obedient. That is what I would expect from any of my children and that kind of obedience born out of faith would please me.

Gospel-Motivated Forgiveness - Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. – Ephesians 4:31-32 (ESV)

Here Paul is teaching us that our motive for obedience is tied to the Gospel. We should not be bitter or angry or slandering because of the model we see through Christ who forgave us (the Gospel). A person who understands the Gospel rightly will forgive–a proper act of obedience.

Gospel-Motivated Love - Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… – Ephesians 5:25 (ESV)

A husband who understands the Gospel will love his wife sacrificially. He will learn her, love her, and then properly lead her. His sacrifice (obedience to God) for her would be unending and his affection for her would be unceasing. In short, he would be like our dying Savior.

Gospel-Motivated Humility - Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy. – 1 Timothy 1:15-16 (ESV)

Paul considered himself to be the chief of sinners. He was #1 in his book. He who is forgiven much is thankful much. The most thankful Christians are those who never forget that God did not get a good deal when He got them. Humility is an act of obedience, born out of a right understanding of the Gospel.

Gospel-Motivated Suffering - For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. – 1 Peter 2:21 (ESV)

Peter connected personal suffering as a thing that brings pleasure to God, particularly when our suffering is not because of our sin. It is the Christian’s privilege and opportunity to share (obedience) in the sufferings of Christ. The more we understand the Gospel, particularly the suffering aspect of the Gospel, the more we will be motivated to glorify God while we suffer.

Connecting the Gospel to obedience

For the first time in Sandra’s life she was beginning to make Gospel-connections to her practical life. She was understanding that the Gospel was not just for salvation (Justification), but the Gospel was the power she needed to live for Christ (Sanctification).

Today, she reads her Bible with a new pair of glasses as she recently said. Sometimes she gets frustrated when she thinks of all the years of cross-less Bible reading and cross-less living, but she quickly recovers by reorienting her heart back to the finished work of Christ. Sandra is free in Christ!

1. ^[1] Ontological means “state of being,” or who I really am. Because I am a Christian, I obey. ↩