Bullies frequently call their actions “just teasing.”

The main difference between teasing and bullying is that truly good-natured teasing is enjoying by everyone in the conversation and teasing is allowed in all directions. It isn’t teasing if everyone isn’t allowed to tease back without retaliation or if there’s discomfort with the give-and-take. Teasing can easily cross the line into harassment or bullying.

Work place bullying can also take the form of social snubbing, withholding of crucial information or the spreading lies and gossip.

Are You a Bully?

Check to see if the person you are teasing is “smiling with their eyes” rather than just pretending to laugh. If they are not completely enjoying your comments you have crossed the line. Do you find yourself saying things like, “I was just kidding,’ “Can’t you take a joke?” or “You’re too sensitive.” If you’ve said any one of these or similar phrases more that once a month you might benefit from coaching to find other, better ways to connect with others.

Signs of Bullying

Is bullying taking place in your organization? If so, your company is not as productive as it needs to be to meet today’s marketplace challenges.

Look for these clues:

• Those with power and influence use derogatory nicknames. Derogatory nicknames are used behind people’s backs. For example, “Glad you could join us, Princess!” “Here comes Mr. Perfect.”
• Blame is assigned to individuals without evidence or clear communication. For example, ” I bet Joe didn’t turn on the alarm system again.”
• Rumor is presented as fact. Innuendo is allowed to effect a person’s reputation. For example, “Bill had red eyes again after lunch. I bet he’s on drugs. I don’t think he can handle that promotion.”
• People are called “overly sensitive.”
• Employees get away with yelling, sarcasm and intimidation because they fill a special role, perhaps as a particularly effective salesperson, friend of the owner or holder of technical expertise. This behavior might be excused as “just being too rough.” The employee who is the roughest bully sets the tone for your entire organization or department.
• Practical jokes being played on a particular person or group on a consistent basis.
• Social gatherings that regularly exclude some employees.
• When emails are circulated with a blind cc among your employees, is the purpose to isolate, humiliate, and undermine particular staff?

If these signs are present in your organization you have a culture that’s negatively affecting your team. You are at risk to lose dedicated and talented employees and are building a staff of bullies and targets. It is time to bring in outside help that is percived as truly neutral to assist in you in the necessary culture change.

Sometimes bullying can come up so gradually that you might not think of yourself as being bullied. You know the old story about the frog in the pot of water, complacent as the temperature slowly rises; is the water boiling around you?

Signs you are being bullied:

• You are regularly yelled at.
• Your boss or coworkers talk to you with dismissive tones and looks (eye rolling). “Whatever.” “What do you expect me to do about it?”
• You have been given an unflattering “nickname.”
• You are often asked questions in a challenging tone that puts you on the defensive. “Where the hell were you?” “Do you even know what you are doing?”
• You are denied access to information or contacts you need to do your job yet are blamed for poor results. “You don’t seem to know what the clients need anymore!”
• You dread interacting with your boss and/or coworkers.

Take steps to take to eliminate bulling.

Step 1 – Reflection

Try to figure out what’s motivating the bully. Is it to consolidate or obtain power? Is it to enforce some group norm that they feel you are challenging? Are they pointing out your mistakes because they are jealous of some advantage you have such as youth, education, talent or connections? Determine the need is the bully trying to meet by their behavior. Is it a need for equality, autonomy or some other reason?

Step 2 – Evaluate the Potential of a Direct Discussion

Knowing the bully’s motivation, determine if a direct conversation from you could help change the situation.

How will this person respond to an open honest discussion from you? Is it possible that if they knew their behavior was having a negative impact they would change it?

Thoughtful preparation for this discussion can be very helpful to clarify your thinking. Being assertive without being aggressive can effectively communicate your resolve to end the bullying without fostering defensiveness in the other person. Working with an objective coach can help you to practice your approach.

Step 3 – Direct Discussion

Speak to the bully if you believe they can be open to listening to you. This is your best opportunity to end the conflict with the least amount of damage to your reputation.

In your discussion, use specific examples rather than general accusations. Explain how these examples represent a pattern you wish to change. Speak about the different behavior you seek rather than just a list of your complaints.

“At staff meetings, you refer to me as “Princess.” This makes me feel angry because it sounds as if you think I consider myself entitled to special privileges. In the future, please refer to me by my name.”

If the bully justifies their behavior, try to find another way they can get their needs met without bullying you.

Be prepared to listen to complaints about your behavior and consider if these changes will bring an end to the bullying. Are they excuses or genuine feedback expressed in an inappropriate manner?

“So, when I’m given permission to leave early to pick up my child you think that’s unfair because you aren’t allowed to leave early? I can see how you could find that frustrating.”

Step 4 – Prepare for Future Action

Monitor and record behavior in a written record with details on incidents of bullying with dates, times, and what happened. Note other people who witnessed the event. Be as clear and objective in your recording as possible. Present the facts with a minimum of emotion. If there is a repeat of the behavior you may wish to take your complaints to a higher authority or remove yourself from the bully’s influence.

Step 5 – Seeking Allies

If you decide to take further steps, your written record will be a valuable record of the pattern of bullying.

When you meet with management or the human resources department it can be helpful if you can communicate any larger pattern that might be happening. Have other employees left the company because of the bully? How is this effecting the business in the market place? When you present your case, it is possible they might dismiss your concerns or might side with the bully. You strengthen your case if you can communicate from both a business perspective and a moral perspective.

If the bully’s actions violate the law, investigate the appropriate authority with which to file your complaint.

Step 6 – Make a Strategic Retreat

If the first five steps do not end the bullying you will need to make a strategic retreat. Everyone who leaves an abusive situation says they wish they had acted sooner. Don’t believe you deserve to be bullied.

If the bullying won’t stop and workplace culture continues to be poisonous, protect your health and reputation by finding another job elsewhere, even if it means a position with less money or prestige. Take steps to build an escape plan and enact it.

When you leave the company, document your reasons for leaving to management or HR. Leaving a trail of how you were affected may help the next person who is victimized.

Friends since law school, Ben and Jonathan achieved individual success before founding their own firm. Ben had been an associate in one of the large, downtown law offices where he developed an expertise in bankruptcy law, while Jonathan worked at another large firm focusing on patent law. It was six years ago when, each married and with growing families, Ben and Jonathan brought their expertise together and launched their company.

After an enthusiastic beginning, their partnership, now seven years old, is threatened by simmering bitterness.

Ben’s Story: Jonathan isn’t devoting enough time to make this business work. He typically strolls in the office at 9:30 and most summer nights he’s running out the door at 5:00. We used to meet at least twice a week over lunch when we first began the company. We’d talk over our dreams for the firm and would hash out business development strategies. Now he’s off on lunch meetings nearly every day, which means even more time out of the office. It makes my blood boil that he’s slacking off and I’m carrying this business myself.

Jonathan’s Story: The whole reason we launched this partnership is so that we’d be our own bosses. Right now, I feel like I’m working for Ben. He’s only happy if I’m at my desk every second of every day, always poised for his next demand. He’s always got a pile of grunt work for me to do. I’ve got a life outside of work and I’m not going to be bullied by him.

Investigation: In a joint meeting with Ben and Jonathan we uncovered each of their perspectives in better detail. Ben shared how he feels overwhelmed with the day-to-day tasks of running the business. He misses the spirit of collaboration that marked the first years of their business partnership. As the sole income earner for his family Ben’s focused on maximizing profits for the business. For his part, Jonathan explained that time spent with his children is important. His wife works so Jonathan drops off their children at school and daycare before coming to the office. In the summer, he coaches his son’s Little League team. One aspect of leading the firm that Jonathan particularly likes is forging new client relationships. His frequent lunch meetings have been his way of networking and this outreach has been a primary source for new clients.

Resolution: It quickly became clear that care for their families was the key motivator for both Ben and Jonathan in starting their business. For Ben, it’s through financial security and sustainability that he primarily contributes to his family. For Jonathan, a flexible schedule is essential. Uncovering that common value of care for family helped the two partners to better understand each other’s decisions.

Hearing the complementary contributions each make to the business helped them to better appreciate the partnership. Once Ben understood the purpose behind Jonathan’s frequent lunchtime meetings he supported the strategy.

Instead of expecting Jonathan to take on office tasks, it would be a better use of both Jonathan and Ben’s time if they hired an office manager to handle their administrative needs. With these demands no longer a drain on Ben’s time and energy, Ben would be available to mentor and supervise the team of paralegals in their firm. Developing their talents and skills is a fulfilling role for Ben and advances his goal of sustainability of the firm.

Jonathan, reminded of the pleasure and value of the conversations he and Ben used to share, saw again the purpose of regular partner meetings as an essential element for the health of their company. The two partners now have a standing lunch meeting twice a week where they alternate discussions on day-to-day management and long-term strategy for their business.

Negotiation plays an important part in interpersonal relationships. When people are in conflict, finding the way out of anger and into peaceful resolution is a process of negotiation. As a mediator, I serve as a neutral party and bring my understanding of the elements of negotiation to help individuals and groups resolve disagreement. Through mediation, I help people to uncover their individual and common interests and to find creative solutions they all can live with.

Part of why negotiation is anxiety producing is because people typically don’t know that they should prepare and how to get ready. Taking the time before hand to examine the interests, alternatives and options of yourself as well as the other parties involved will allow you to get to a better resolution and to feel better about the outcome.

Before any negotiation consider these elements.

Interests

What are you and the other side trying to achieve through this negotiation and why? What needs are each of you trying to meet?

For example, a business owner hiring a new employee, beyond the need to increase productivity in your company, might be seeking to increase competence in a particular skill area, credibility, greater profitability, or deeper connection with your customer base. A prospective employee applying for a new job is likely seeking economic security yet may also have a need for flexibility, challenge, creativity, participation, self-respect, or connection with a like-minded community. If each party examines their own interests and discovers where they overlap with the others, agreement can be reached more easily and the agreements will have greater durability.

Alternatives

Alternatives are the choices that are away from the negotiating table.

For an employer, alternatives to hiring a particular employee might be hiring a different applicant, taking no action at this time, re-opening the search, or closing the search to shift responsibility to other departments. Alternatives for the job seeker include finding employment at another company or launching one, continuing the job search, going back to school for an advanced degree, or creating a different relationship with the employer such as consulting, contracting, partnership or franchising.

Options

Options are ideas and strategies that are put on the table that might meet the needs of both parties.

Options for a company and prospective employee might be a combination of salary and commission, company day care, flexible hours, company profit sharing, training programs, a path to promotion and growth or myriad others that provide both sides with satisfaction.

Consultation and Mediation

As a negotiation consultant and mediator, I help people prepare for negotiations by uncovering and exploring their interests, increasing their alternatives and exploring innovative options for resolution. I always offer a free initial session to begin the process to see if consulting or mediation is appropriate for your situation.

My father started our family business when he first came to this country 40 years ago. He is now semi-retired and has turned over responsibility of running and growing the business to the next generation: my younger brother, my older sister, and myself. Dad made me, the oldest son, the CEO. My brother is president and my sister is CFO.

Whenever I try to implement new procedures to improve the company my brother involves my parents in the process to try to block every change. I usually end up getting my way, but we can’t afford to have every decision take months to implement. We need to be nimble and efficient in this market. How can I get my brother to stop trying to block me at every turn?

—D.S, Norwood, MA

Dear D.S.,

Try to think of your disagreements with your brother as a negotiation rather than an argument. Instead, approach decision-making for the company as a collaborative process with your brother and sister. It can be tempting, in the drive to increase efficiency, to act unilaterally but when you add the time to settle arguments in the end reaching working to reach consensus with your brother and sister up-front will save you time and will make your company stronger.

First, look at your own interests. What are the reasons behind the changes you are trying to implement? Efficiency? Greater customer satisfaction? Clearer lines of responsibility? By making your thought process clear to your bother and sister and engaging them as your leadership team they’ll be able to understand and share your goals, contributing strategies of their own towards meeting them.

I recommend you also consider the underlying concerns your brother may have that are expressed by his reaching out to your parents. Is he worried about the effect of your decision on customers, on his own autonomy in his role in business, or his ability to contribute to the company’s strategic direction? Consider what actions might meet your brother needs as well as your own. It would also be a great idea to involve your sister and explore her interests.

Next, consider what alternatives might be available. Would the company be better served if you or your brother left the company or were in another role in it? For many family businesses separation is not a viable alternative, placing even more a priority on finding a process that allows you to function as a team rather than continuing to battle over power and control.

Because family businesses often have complex and sometimes multi-layered issues it is particularly helpful in cases like yours to have an independent and neutral professional to help you work through to resolution. A mediator can help the business to operate more like a business and for the family to better enjoy being a family.

A niche is something your business does better than your competition and highlights how you are uniquely qualified to serve a particular portion of the market. A niche gives you a clear identity in a crowded market place that enables your clients to find you easier and to recognize and value your expertise.

Why develop a niche?

By concentrating your efforts and marketing materials your clients will say, “They work with people just like me and understand my unique challenges. They have experience meeting the kinds of needs I have in my business. I care more about the best results at a good value rather than simply the lowest price.”

Why should I limit myself when I can serve so many people?

If you’re looking for an attorney to represent you in a real estate sale would you be more comfortable with a lawyer who’s handled dozens of similar property transactions or would you use a friend who is a patent attorney? What if you’re undergoing heart surgery? Do you seek out the doctor who’s an expert handling your kind of case or would you settle for any surgeon?

How does that apply to my business?

Your customers are making the same decisions every day. Customers seek out someone who can meet their specific need. People want to do business with someone experienced and competent in dealing with their exact situation.

With a well-defined niche, potential clients will recognize you as the best solution to the challenges they face. A niche is your business’ clear identity in the marketplace. It is a specialty that separates you from your competitors. So be bold. Claim your niche and proclaim it proudly to the world!

OK. I see I need to define my niche, but how exactly do I do that?

I have incorporated my experience helping businesses define their niche into a program called The Business Niche Matrix. This program allows small business owners to accurately identify and analyze their business’ core customer. By evaluating how your customers relate to your business in the three key dimensions of profitability, relationship and growth you’ll better focus your marketing efforts, increase sales and achieve higher revenue. The Business Niche Matrix provides a visual tool to reveal your business to you in a new and enlightening way.

I will be presenting a workshop on the Business Niche Matrix for small firms, solopreneurs, and freelancers on Friday, February 26 at the Design Annex in Somerville. Seating is limited. Click here for more details.

I’m out there everyday hustling for more work. To provide the number of sales I need to sustain my business and income, I’m just not realistically going to turn down any potential job I can get. If I define my niche won’t I be limiting my business and opportunities? How do I know if I defining and sticking to a niche won’t weaken my business?

T.F. Quincy, MA

Dear T. F.,

You are asking a question every business owner asks as they seek to define themselves in the marketplace. I recommend that you think of your niche as the center of a dartboard with auxiliary services or products as outer rings around that center. Each ring is supported by the expertise in the center.

Look at your core competencies, figure out who could most use them and build the outer rings in congruence with that core. It can be nearly impossible during these tough times to even dream of turning down a paying gig. At the same time, when resources are scarce its even more important to focus your energies into those marketing, networking and referral building avenues that have the greatest likelihood of turning into profitable work for today and tomorrow.

When you focus with laser like energy around your core customer and service, you’ll find it easier to uncover the right clients, rather than spending your time hustling for just any client.

I would be happy to set up a program for you that could help you develop your niche and referral based-sales with a customized version of my Business Niche Matrix that can be done in 2 -4 sessions. Please contact me for further details.

1. Vision: How will the world be different through your life or your business? This is the big picture, your grandest dream. Maybe it’s a world without hunger, your product in every American home, to be recognized as a world leader in your field.
2. Values: What are your values and how do you prioritize them? George Bailey of “It’s a Wonderful Life” might have said Community Service, Responsibility, Love, Adventure. Through his actions George demonstrated that community service and family responsibility were higher values for him than traveling the world and education. Are you living in accordance to your values?
3. Mission: Who do you serve (who are your customers or target market)? What do you do and why? How do you do it? A clear concise mission statement is a gathering point for others to work beside you. Your company’s mission statement is what every employee is ultimately working towards.
4. Goals: Define your goals with stepping stones strategies with measurable targets to get you there. Suppose your objective is better physical health. Setting a vague goal like “get in shape” is likely to be forgotten because it isn’t specific and doesn’t have the satisfaction of accomplishment. World-class athletes can still aspire to be in better shape. More effective is to define specific goals, for example, your goal might be to lose ten pounds. Alternatively, if your objective it so increase membership in your organization, the goal might be defined as “Grow membership from 56 members to 66 members within the next 12 months.”
5. Draft an Action Plan: Once the goals and objectives are clear, brainstorm strategies to accomplish them. Involve as many partners in this process as you can – maybe it’s your staff, your membership, your family. Brainstorm without judgment to get a rich supply of innovative ideas. For losing ten pounds, strategies and targets along the way might be to jog for 20 minutes at least three times a week, to avoid the receptionist’s snack jar at work, and to substitute your daily mocha latte with caramel sauce with a piece of fresh fruit. For your organization, that objective of growing membership by 10 might inspire a networking event, an outreach newsletter, incentives to current members to recruit colleagues.
6. Evaluate, Refine & Implement Action Plan: Evaluate the ideas to determine if there’s sufficient resources to implement them. Where are the “quick wins” that require minimal effort with greatest results? Which are time wasters that might seem like a great idea but are less likely for success? Which strategies are closely in line with your values that make any special effort required worthwhile? Prioritize your strategies and define in detail what will be done, by whom and when. Tying together the detailed action steps allow staff and employees to feel energized by their work, knowing their efforts are contributing the Vision, Values and Mission of the organization.
7. Review, Reassess and Recommit: Your plan isn’t static. Review it frequently to evaluate, to celebrate your progress or energize better performance. Periodically, at least annually, review the plan as a whole. Keep the plan alive and moving forward.

The film “It’s a Wonderful Life” is more than just a holiday treat. It’s a parable on how an alignment of Vision, Mission and Values can together make for a healthy business, vibrant community and a satisfying life.

In the movie, George Bailey, played by the great actor Jimmy Stewart, gets a chance to see how his actions and leadership, throughout his life and most especially at “the old Building and Loan,” affects his family, customers and community. Guided by guardian angel Clarence, George sees how broadly the attitudes, hopes and dreams of others are shaped by his closely-held vision, mission and values.

Through more than half the film we see George demonstrate his values of hard work, contribution and honesty. He saves his brother, his first boss and the family business from catastrophe, sacrificing his health, his ambition of an engineering career and dream of international travel in the process. When the self-serving banker Mr. Potter attempts to destroy the Bailey Building and Loan by wooing George away with a big salary and a much-desired opportunity to travel, George at first wavers. But the touch as George and Potter shake hands startles the young man awake. George quickly remembers his core values of kindness, cooperation and honesty. He recognizes his mission to provide decent homes for his neighbors, to support businesses that offer decent wages and to be an essential alternative to greedy Potter and his bank.

Faced with yet another crisis at the Building and Loan, George despairs that his life is worthless. Clarence shows George and us how the world would be different without him—Bedford Falls is now the crime-ridden Pottersville, the formerly warm community is angry and desperate, loss is total as that neighborhood of homes George had built is now a graveyard.

Like that handshake with Potter that reminded him of his values, George is again startled awake, this time to his vision. He is far along towards fulfilling his ultimate vision—to make a significant impact in the world, to build things, to love and be loved. Abandoning those earlier strategies—he’s not an engineer or world traveler—George had forgotten this his broader aspiration. At the end of the film, George’s values and vision are clear. He is toasted as “the richest man in town.”

Wrapped up in the day-to-day work of life it’s easy to be like George and to lose sight of the big picture. We can become demoralized when we forget the “why” of our work. We may become less effective than as we might otherwise be when we’re not focused on our vision. Without clear values, we might be inclined to do the equivalent of working for Mr. Potter. We may be investing our precious life in a path that is not our mission, not one leading to the change we want to make in the world.

Don’t wait, like George, until a crisis. The turning of a New Year is a great opportunity for renewal and greater focus. What is your contribution to your business, community and family? Does your life make a difference?

These questions are the elements of strategic planning. Answering them for yourself, for your family and your business is more than a team building exercise. A clear and personal and collective values, vision and mission brings with it a deep sense of purpose, of connection and peace of mind.