As fun as this has been, I’m moving to a new hosting company this week. I couldn’t decide which one to pick, and then I saw that WP Engine‘s entire sales pitch is “we will never shut down your site for traffic.” Sold. Plus, they’re here in Austin, and I am not above chaining myself to their front door in protest if they ever go back on their no-shutdown promise.

All this is to say: If there is anything weird with my site this week, it’s because I’m switching hosts. Also, I think all my feeds will be redirected, but if you follow this blog on a feed reader and don’t see updates for a while, resubscribe to conversiondiary.com/feed.

Thanks for your patience!

Comments closed because they’d probably just get lost in the transfer.

— 1 —

I just got back from taking all six kids to a park for some mandatory frolicking.

You know what takes an incredibly long time? Getting six young children ready for a trip to the park. I had finished the five-hour process of feeding them all breakfast (didn’t time it, but that’s my estimate) and then started finding shoes and spraying sun screen and arguing with the four-year-old who insisted on wearing a long-sleeved black shirt on a 97-degree day because it had a picture of a kitty on it. Then the baby started crying, so I had to stop everything to feed him and change his diaper. By the time I got him settled down and got the four-year-old into a t-shirt and found all the shoes…enough time had elapsed that they were all hungry again.

I explained the myriad benefits of fasting and told them to enjoy the autophagy while we went to the park, because there was no way I was preparing another meal. By the time we actually got there it was 1:30, and as long as you stayed in the shade it felt comfortably like the surface of Venus. Unfortunately, all the play equipment had been baking in the sun for hours. I sat sweating under a tree for a while, listening to the sounds of laughter intermingled with cries of “OW!” any time the kids tried to slide or touch a swing. We gave up after about 20 minutes, fighting heat stroke as we trekked back to the car, and I finally got lunch served around 2:45.

I give myself an A for effort in the fun department today, and I hereby declare that it’s time for Netflix and Mommy Computer Time.

— 2 —

I’m speaking in Bismarck in the fall, which is sounding pretty good about now. I’ll be at the Thirst Conference, along with Cardinal Dolan, Scott Hahn, and a bunch of other amazing folks. You can see the whole list of speakers here. I’m not able to do much travel right now, so this will be my only speaking engagement for the rest of 2013. I’m really looking forward to it!

I actually used to live in Bismarck, and have fond memories of the city. If I recall correctly, it has very friendly people and you can leave your house without worrying about stinging insects attacking you.

Ah, memories of living in a climate that was hospitable to human life.

— 3 —

It’s Flag Day! Every time I see this holiday on the calendar I’m reminded of my plans for having a hugely successful band.

“A band?” you say. “But haven’t you said before that you have zero musical talent?” Yes. But here’s the thing: you know how radio stations will trot out songs that maybe aren’t all that great because they’re relevant to a current holiday? Like, let’s face it: New Year’s Day is not one of the highlights from U2′s impressive catalogue of work, but we always hear it five times on New Year’s Day.

My genius idea is to create a pop album that is entirely devoted to holidays that nobody has sung about yet. Who cares if all the tracks would be me singing horribly off-key over some canned music samples that came with my laptop? Radio stations would be obliged to play them to have some music relevant to the holiday. Here are some songs my debut album will include:

• Boxing Day – O Canada Remix
• Gonna Lose My Mind, It’s Daylight Savings Time
• Flag Day (Holla’)
• Crazy 4 Columbus Day
• Time to Party Like It’s Spring Equinox
• Prezident’s Day
• Summer Soulstice

It’s going to be huge.

— 4 —

Joe has been kind enough to let me sneak out in the evenings to do some writing at coffee shops so that I can hit my big deadline. Does that sound like a simple activity? Going to a coffee shop and writing something? Alas, for me, it’s not.

In order to be productive, I really need access to a plug for my laptop. Now, here’s where it gets complicated: HOW CAN YOU KNOW whether the coffee shop you’ve just pulled up to has a plug available? What if you walk in the door and see that all the tables near plugs are taken?!?!?! I mean, it’s not like you can just walk in, take a look around, and walk out. I feel like if I did that, all the employees would gasp and whisper, She was just here to use us for our electrical outlets! and my face would be put on some Most Horrible Customers list that they keep behind the counter. The other day I almost overdosed on chamomile tea because I walked into a coffee shop and saw that there were no good tables available, but I bought a tea because I felt like I had to, and then I had to buy another one at the place where I finally stayed.

Anyway, if this book never gets finished and I end up going broke from spending my money on overpriced brewed beverages, that’s why.

— 5 —

I'll be confessing the sin of envy soon.

I’m aware that part of the problem here is that I want to maintain my non-Mac-owning status more than I want to have a positive computing experience.

Pretty much every other person in the coffee shops these days has a MacBook Air, and sometimes I stare at them as I openly weep tears of envy. These people just open up their laptops, and they turn on right away! And the screens are bright and vivid!

And the battery life, oh, the battery life. It is as if these devices don’t even use traditional batteries at all, but tap into a power source from some unseen dimension full of awesomeness. Last night the lady next to me slipped her weightless MacBook out of her stylish little bag and start delicately clicking away on the keyboard, and when I looked back at my own laptop I felt like I’d hauled in a mainframe computer on a forklift.

I’ve resisted getting a Mac for years. I used to use them when I worked at a newspaper, and I never could get comfortable with the interface. I watch those Mac/PC commercials and feel like they’ve captured the two cultures perfectly, and I am proudly in the nerdy PC person camp. But they’ve really got my number with the MacBook Air. I may go over to the dark (and fabulous) side after all.

— 6 —

I made the terrible, terrible mistake of having some potato chips on Monday. The kids asked for them at the store, and as I had recently had a satisfying meal, it was easy to tell myself that I would not even be tempted by these nasty Omega-6 PUFA bombs, as I choose to eat only healthful food. (Yeah. You know where this is going.)

A couple of days later, I spotted the bag of chips after I’d forgotten to eat lunch. I morphed into Hungry Cravings Jen, which is sort of like when Bruce Banner turns into the Incredible Hulk. A beefy body guard could have stood with his arms crossed in front of those chips, saying that he refused to let me have them, and I would have picked him up with one arm and tossed him through a wall. All the chips went immediately into my mouth, along with about a gallon of ranch dressing.

Right on schedule, an hour later I crashed. HARD. I don’t know if other people experience this, but when I eat junk food it doesn’t just make me feel a little bit sluggish. I am simultaneously angry and depressed and anxious and very, very, very tired. It was shocking to consider that, before I clued in with all the “saint diet” food sensitivity stuff, I used to crash like this every single afternoon. I seriously don’t know how I survived.

— 7 —

A little amusement to start your weekend: how to be an unpopular blogger.

————————-

Why am I telling you this? Because there is something about having a blog that makes you have these delusions that EVERYONE CARES when your average weekly posting rate drops by 0.7 one month, and so it makes me feel better to alert the Googlebot and whoever else might notice that if I seem to be updating less, it’s only temporary.

Now, someone might be wondering the same thing an acquaintance did the other day when she asked, “How is it possible that you could still be working on book edits? From your blog it seems like you can occasionally put together a coherent sentence, so how could it take you five years, three rewrites, and ten trillion rounds of soul-crushing feedback to get this thing right?” (paraphrasing).

I have spent many a moon asking myself the same question, and here is a list of possible answers:

1. I’m writing a memoir in the classic sense of the word. These days “memoir” is often applied to books that are basically collections of essays that are loosely in chronological order. There’s nothing wrong with that — some of my favorite reads fall into that category — but that’s not what I’m doing here. My book has a clear story arc, which makes it more difficult to put together because I have to factor in plot considerations in addition everything else.
2. It’s a tough story to tell in an interesting way. I didn’t live through a natural disaster or escape a prison camp or spend a romantic summer in Tuscany. My conversion took place in the suburbs — not exactly a hotbed of thrilling moments. On top of that, I necessarily have to verge into a few unpopular subjects. It’s a lot of work to make it a compelling, fun read while also sticking to the truth. It’s possible, but very hard. It requires a level of writing that I wasn’t even capable of a few years ago.
3. It takes years to learn how to write a good book. I have a lot of experience writing essays, but writing a book requires a much broader set of skills. It’s like the difference between being able to write good songs on your guitar versus being able to write good songs for a symphony orchestra: creating a symphony requires that you think of a dozen different things at once, all of which need to come together in harmony. It takes time to build that skill set.
4. I’m an idiot.
5. I have died and gone to Purgatory, and this Sisyphean Wheel of Book Writing is God’s way of purging me of my remaining shreds of pride.

My guess is “all of the above.”

I had to laugh (read: wept bitter, bitter tears) when I saw that blogger/author friends get to take vacations after working on their books. Sheesh, this is my vacation. I have precious little free time right now, and it’s all going to finishing up this manuscript. (Well, that and sobbing in my bathroom.) And when my writing time is over each day, it’s back to toil and Slip N’ Slides.

But I have to say, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Despite the impression that all the whining and the drama might give you, I’m actually incredibly grateful to be able to do this. Other than hanging out with my family, there’s nothing I’d rather do with my life than this.

— 1 —

I am going to make every effort to make my post peppy and cheerful to get the weekend off to a good start! Which will be quite a feat since I had a crying breakdown in my bathroom an hour ago.

I’m okay now. It was just one of those afternoons when I had to take a moment to explain to God in no uncertain terms that I can’t — CANNOT — do this anymore, “this” meaning “juggle the demands of an extremely high-needs two-year-old, a sweet but slightly fussy newborn, and four other young children.” I know that it will get better: the baby will start sleeping better soon (notice that I didn’t say I “hope” he’ll be sleeping better soon; this is something that will happen, so say The Sleep Lady and I), and any day now my two-year-old will realize that she actually doesn’t have to react to tragedies like having her shoes put on or being offered food she doesn’t like by doing her 115-decibel scream for 10 minutes at a time. Those will be glorious days indeed. But until then, I will probably have a few more melodramatic self-pity sessions in the bathroom.

— 2 —

Well, here’s something to be cheerful about: BooMama‘s book is finally out! I had the pleasure of reading an advance copy of A Little Salty to Cut the Sweet, and it was just the breath of fresh air that I needed. I’ve been enjoying her hilarious and touching stories on her blog for years, and am thrilled that her writing is finally in book form. Also, on a selfish note, I am in love with these gorgeous ceramic measuring spoons that she was kind enough to include with the book:

I’ve actually been measuring ingredients in my recipes instead of eyeballing it just because I want an excuse to use these spoons.

Anyway, congrats to BooMama on a fabulous book, and if you’re looking for a charming and delightful summer read, put this one at the top of your list!

— 3 —

Guess what! I found my life’s calling this week. It has been made clear to me that I was put on this earth to create playlists to go with workout videos.

I had been doing the 30 Day Shred but got tired of hearing Jillian growl “YOUR NECK IS NOT INVITED TO THIS PARTY!”, so I thought I’d listen to my own music instead. But because I am nerdy and analytical and never miss a chance to break out Excel, I turned it into an hours-long project where I carefully selected a playlist that is perfectly timed with the video. The results? Let me put it this way:

It was as if Jillian Michaels stepped into a time machine, came to June 2013 to listen to my awesome playlist, and then went back in time and created her workout to go with it. It is the very definition of perfection.

Also, having great music to listen to led to a huge improvement in my endurance: I did five whole crunches before collapsing as I screamed “This is absurd!!!!!”, and I even defied the laws of physics and did and entire squat (take that, haterz!)

— 4 —

I was going to avoid giving details about my first playlist since it would show you exactly what kind of songs I consider “the very definition of perfection,” but since this is such an important subject I’ll go ahead and put it out there:

1. Call Me Maybe / Carly Rae Jepsen (3:13)
2. Lose Yourself / Eminem (5:22)
3. Since U Been Gone / Kelly Clarkson (3:09)
4. 50 Ways to Say Goodbye / Train (4:08)
5. I Wanna Know You / Hannah Montana and David Archuleta (2:47)
6. The Fighter / Gym Class Heroes (3:49)
7. Miracle / Matisyahu (3:07)
8. Litany / Matt Maher (2:15)

Here’s the whole thing on Grooveshark* (hat tip to the G-Unit). And for anyone who assumed that I put the Hannah Montana song on there for the kids, thank you for your misguided charity. Anyway, start it after Jillian is done with her intro, when this title screen comes up, and you’re all set.

Now, if you would like to create your own list for any reason — i.e. if you’re afraid that my list is too perfect, and you fear that the subtle profundities contained in the music of Carly Rae Jepsen might leave you frozen in awe — here are the details: you need to start with a warm-up song that’s about 3:12, end with a cool-down song that’s about 2:10, and have about 22:15 of music in between. Or you could just wait for me to create a bunch more, since this is evidently what I was meant to do with my life.

* I threw together that Grooveshark list quickly and forgot to check whether those were the clean or explicit versions in the cases of songs that had some colorful words — FYI before you blast it with the kids around.

— 5 —

What are some blogs that have good “About Me” pages? (Shameless self promotion welcome if you’re particularly proud of your own.) I have long wanted to fix up the information dump that is my bio page and am looking for inspiration.

— 6 —

Reading what I wrote in #1 reminds me of back when I had four kids under age five, and I was doing all sorts of stuff like working on the book, contributing to other books, and hosting a Kidsave child. Quite a few people told me that they were amazed that I was doing all this, implying that I had some kind of intelligence or life skills that were making this possible. I tried to explain that I was just lucky in my circumstances, but I think that people interpreted that statement to mean that I was also very humble on top of being a supermom.

But now I have proof that, no, seriously, it was just my circumstances.

Our fourth child, appropriately nicknamed “baby Joy,” slept through the night at two weeks, and spent the next year of her life quietly smiling. My third child, who was 18 months old when baby Joy was a newborn, was a pretty laid back toddler by Fulwiler standards. My oldest two were crazy, but had started to get a little more calm once they were preschool ages. Also, I could usually get them all to nap at the same time.

So while I certainly had my hands full, it was a manageable situation. Now that I have a somewhat-high-needs newborn and an E-X-T-R-E-M-E-L-Y high needs toddler, there is no way that I could host a child from a foreign country or take on additional writing assignments; heck, I’m amazed that I’m able to change out of my pajamas in the morning.

It’s a good lesson in not comparing yourself to others: very often when we perceive that other people are succeeding in areas where we’re not, we underestimate how much our different circumstances are a factor.

— 7 —

Please pray like crazy for Dwija, who is pregnant and facing a grave complication. Leave her a comment to let her know that you’re thinking of her, too! I know she’d appreciate it.

————————-

This is a post from 2008, but since my children are jumping up and down and begging me to get out the Slip N’ Slide today, I thought I’d run it again.

The neighbor girls wanted to play with the Slip N’ Slide today. I tried to talk them out of it, but when I realized that my argument essentially boiled down to “I would rather sit on the couch in the cocoon of my darkened house than frolic outside in the fresh summer air” I decided to just go with it.

I do not have fond memories of the Slip N’ Slide.

As a child, I recall feeling quite certain that whoever invented this device lived in a land far, far away from mine. The theory is that you lay out a long tarp across the grass, wet it, and when kids run and jump on it they’ll glide along in a splashtastic spray of water. In those yonder regions up north like Oregon, Washington, perhaps Vermont and Maine (you know, the ones that have things called “seasons”), I’m sure that this works out very well. I can just picture throwing yourself down onto the yellow slide only to be cushioned by lush, springy grass that helps you glide along as if on a cloud.

Here in Texas, that’s not how it works.

When we threw ourselves onto Slip N’ Slides, we were met with a bone-crushingly hard ground that was sparsely covered by grass that felt like old hay. As we slid down the yellow tarp for our three seconds of fun, we’d invariably experience explosions of pain as undiscovered rocks and sticks jabbed deep into our internal organs. Then we’d slide off the end into some fire ants.

The neighbor girls, however, did not seem to share my perception of this activity as abject misery, and set up the Slip N’ Slide in my front yard with unbridled enthusiasm. I tried to join in this all-American ritual of doing things outdoors in the heat and enjoying it, but I’ve been out of practice for, oh, 20 years.

I stood stiffly near the yellow tarp and occasionally forced a supportive comment about the sliding skills of the young ladies. Then my skin began to break out with unsightly red welts as it is wont to do when I spend more than 30 seconds in direct sunlight, and I thought I noticed the beginning symptoms of heat stroke. I shuffled over to some shade under a tree, and made a mental note to read a book that explains in detail how one could go about carefree summertime frolicking. When I thought of what I must look like compared to laughing, running children, I wondered if passers-by might mistake me for a statue of a sullen albino.

“Miss Jennifer! Miss Jennifer! Do you want to slide with us? It’s so much fun!” they called out to me.

“At what point, pray tell, will the fun begin?” I wanted to ask. “When my knees creak as I lower myself slowly down onto the tarp, when the ice cold water sends my overheated system into shock, or when my slide down the hill functions as a tactile tour of the various hard objects in our yard?” Instead I just shook my head, adjusted my oversized black sunglasses, and retreated further into the shade.

I had gone through the Herculean effort of wrestling my children into bathing suits so that they could join in this so-called fun. I saw that my two-year-old redheaded daughter, the only one of my children unfortunate enough to get all the Irish genes, was increasingly looking like a lobster despite being caked in SPF 45 sunscreen. People with our skin tone don’t need SPF; we need burkhas.

As all the children smiled in glee at the wonder of the Slip N’ Slide, it occurred to me that I should at least feel thankful that they were enjoying it. We’re safely removed from Austin’s fancier neighborhoods, so none of the children in our neighborhood have any idea that some kids have access to jaw-droppingly awesome water wondercastles that are basically small blow-up theme parks for your front yard. Around here, we can still get away with throwing some plastic on the ground, hosing it down, and calling it a day.

— 1 —

I got a SOLID three hours of sleep last night, which was a nice addition to the four hours I got the night before, so I am in the perfect position to write something and put it out there for everyone to read right now. Seven Quick Takes: So-Tired-I-Can-Barely-Operate-My-Keyboard Edition, let’s do this!

— 2 —

Joe took the kids to “movies on the lawn” last night, an awesome event where this friend of his sets up an outdoor movie theater on his lawn, complete with catered movie-style snacks. I wasn’t able to make it so I couldn’t take pictures, but here’s a shot from the last one, which I talked about here:

Movie on the Lawn: The Princess Bride

This is the same friend who occasionally hosts the salon dinners where everyone gets together over a meal to talk about some big issue facing society. The dinners feature a speaker to address the topic at hand and get the discussions started (for example, John Taylor Gatto came in to talk to us about education reform one time), and everyone is given a pamphlet with short bios of all the other attendees so that we can get to know one another better. These events are so fun and interesting — we need more things like this in the world!

— 3 —

I tried Jillian Michaels’ 30-Day Shred on Tuesday, and I’m excited to report that I am slowly beginning to regain the ability to move some parts of my body. Also, I was smart and bought it as an Amazon Instant Video, which I think I’ll do for all future exercise video purchases. I have been driven to the edge of sanity on more than one occasion when I finally overcame my unfathomably deep tendency to sloth and got all motivated to do some killer workout video, only to open the case and find the Barney Schoolhouse DVD in there instead.

Anyway, I had watched clips of 30-Day Shred on Youtube, and in a moment that screams HUBRIS ALERT!!!! MAJOR HUMBLING LESSON ON ITS WAY!!!!, I thought, That doesn’t look that hard. What’s this, some jumping jacks? A few sit-ups? Whatever. I can hang.

Let me just fast forward to the part where I realize that I cannot, in any way, hang. I have never felt so weak in my life. Frankly, after my humiliation at the hands of this DVD, I am amazed that I have the strength to pick up my toothbrush each morning. My son was doing the workout with me, and since we only had eight-pound and five-pound weights I gave him the lighter set. Halfway through I had to steal the five-pound ones from him, and after we were done I did a limp of shame over to my computer and ordered three-pound weights on Amazon.

If I don’t update my blog for a few weeks, assume it’s because I can no longer move my arms because I kept doing this video.

— 4 —

Here’s my biggest issue with all of these types of workout videos: squats. Squats are an urban legend. They are not possible. I know you might think that they are because you’ve seen people do them in exercise DVDs, but they are actually a huge practical joke being put over on us by the fitness industry. If you move into a position like you’re sitting on a chair without actually having a chair behind you, you will FALL DOWN. This is not my opinion; it’s the opinion of the LAW OF GRAVITY.

You laugh, but history will prove me right! One day someone is going to take a closer look at one of these videos and notice wires holding up the fitness experts as they do their “squats,” and the whole thing is going to come crashing down.

— 5 —

I found myself surprisingly inspired when I stumbled across this cover of Maroon 5′s song Payphone, by Walk Off the Earth (the band that did the one-guitar version of Somebody that I Used to Know):

I am so amazed that there are people in the world who can just do that, who can sit down and make music at will. This is something Joe and I talk about a lot: we love music, but neither of us can do much to create it, and we’re amazed by people who can. We have this idea that if we had musical talent, we’d basically sit in our garage every night and record awesome songs for Youtube videos, like a nerdy suburban version of Pomplamoose.

I’m sure that’s all easier said than done, but the main point I’m getting at is: if you have musical talent, USE IT!!! Very few people have been given the gifts needed to write or perform songs; if you’re one of the few, don’t let that gift go to waste. The rest of us need you if we’re going to have good music to listen to!

— 6 —

Another inspiring thing about that band Walk Off the Earth, from their Wikipedia entry:

Walk off the Earth is a Canadian indie band that formed in 2006 in Burlington, Ontario, and has gained success around the world by making low-budget music videos of covers and originals. The band built its fan base independently with no help from record labels, booking agents, or management.

That’s another thing we should all remember: here in the internet age, you don’t need an institution’s stamp of approval before you begin a new project. If you have an idea that you’re passionate about, just do it! If you can’t get an agent or a manger or a publisher or a label or whatever else you think you need, do it anyway! Create great work, put it out there, stick with it, and you’ll very likely gain traction.

— 7 —

I am now officially typing while the baby is asleep, which means that every character you see from this point on represents a millisecond that I am choosing to BLOG instead of doing that SLEEP thing that I’ve heard so much about. So, on that note, I wish you all a great weekend, and I’m going to go pass out.

————————-

Then, the next day, I wake up and count on one hand the number of hours of sleep I got the night before. I think through the logistics of getting myself and six young children out the door, and my brain starts melting around the time that it occurs to me that we’d all need shoes. Long story short, I throw some crayons and paper on the table, they spend five minutes drawing before I have to shut it down because everyone’s fighting like the rats in a cage that we are, and we end up spending another day sitting around the living room.

I did sign the kids up for some real activities like art camp and swim lessons; in fact, at one point I worried that I’d overbooked us. But then I calculated that there are approximately 60 weekdays in summer, each presenting me with a breathtaking 12 hours to fill, and realized that a couple of kids going to a couple of morning camps is not the life-saver I’d hoped it would be.

It’s all good, though, because now I have plenty of time to surf the web while pretending like I don’t hear “I’m booooooored!” over and over again in the background. Here are some of my favorite finds:

* * *

- More proof that cilantro is the most vile substance on the face of the earth: it smells like bedbugs.

- You need to read Sarah’s post about the birth of her son, who was diagnosed in utero with spina bifida. Personally, I find that the mix of profound insights and heavy profanity give the piece a refreshingly candid feel. I know that f-bombs aren’t everyone’s thing, but you won’t be sorry you read this post.

- Want to inspire your kids to clean? Try taking before and after pictures.

- Some inspiration for summer workouts: 16 fitness experts who used to be overweight.

- More inspiration for summer workouts: this website lets you pick music by the beats per minute. You can even tell it how long it takes you to run a mile and it’ll find the tunes with the perfect beats!

- Sock buns: someone who has talent with hair styling needs to try this and tell me if it works.

- There are a lot of “advice for new moms” posts out there, but this one is particularly good.

- Dude builds Stonehenge in his back yard using only primitive tools to demonstrate how the original creators might have done it (video).

- Brandon Vogt’s new project, Strange Notions, is getting a lot of buzz. It’s a forum where atheists and Catholics dialogue about life’s big questions. They did a very nice announcement video too:

* * *

That’s it for this round! I need to get back to pondering at what point “stir crazy” becomes “actually, seriously, throw-us-all-into-a-padded-cell crazy”.

— 1 —

Thank you so much for all the wonderful responses to my publishing announcement earlier this week! I’m so frustrated that I wasn’t able to reply, especially to all the kind words on Twitter. (Man, you know your life is crazy when you can’t even find time to procrastinate on Twitter.)

Things have just been so, so, so, so, so overwhelming ever since the baby came home. I can barely keep up with anything. To give you an idea: Christy wrote a perfect summary of what my days are like right now in her first take here, and I have had a tab open in my browser for a week to remind myself to leave a comment saying, “Yes, that is my life!” but I cannot seem to get to it because…that is my life.

— 2 —

When Yaya calls you and tells you that she has found a “terrifying” bug in her yard, it’s time to call an evacuation helicopter. I mean, this is the woman who knocks down wasps’ nests and then just stands there and chills while the angry insects swarm around her, before eventually crushing them with her bare hands. She’s nonchalant about being stung by poisonous arachnids while she sleeps, she threatens gang members with violence, and she finds scorpions in cups to be charming kitchen accessories.

So when I answered the phone to hear her screaming about some “terrifying” but that the kids needed to come see, I should have known that it would be as awful as this:

These insane-o centipedes are venomous, and their stings are said to be far more painful than those of scorpions. Oh, and they can cut you with their dozens of creepy little legs and inject venom into you just by walking across your skin.

I have seen one of these things on my property once (and I shared my heart about that experience here), and now I shall live the rest of my days in terror at the thought of encountering one inside the house. Enough of this useless bug spray nonsense; I need a flamethrower.

— 3 —

I’m sorry. I don’t think you understand the full awfulness of this thing. You can’t really tell how big it is from that picture, so here it is with a common object next to it to give you a sense of scale:

Well, that’s how I perceive the scale, anyway. And I need to make sure that you didn’t miss THESE, the needle-sharp dual DAGGERS at the end of its tail:

I should really stop now before I get a cease and desist letter from the legal team at the Texas Tourism Department.

— 4 —

On a brighter note, I did a juice fast this week! It’s not exactly a Perfect Health Diet thing, but I figured that juice-only fasts might avoid the risk of metabolic endotoxemia from too much fructose since you’re drinking each serving when your liver’s glycogen stores are low (which is probably stupid and wrong, but anyway…) I just bought the Naked brand of juices that my grocery store carries, and I lived on those for a couple of days.

I did it because I felt like my body needed a rest from the work of digestion to help it fight this never-ending sinus infection, and it did seem to help. Amazingly, I wasn’t hungry! Also, I felt good: my energy level was strong, despite not getting much sleep at night, and I didn’t even miss eating. I won’t go into the weight loss side, since we’re all focused on healthful diets and not vain concerns like a number on the scale, but instead will simply say that it was a good experience and I’ll probably do it again soon.

(Ha ha! Just kidding about the weight thing. I lost four pounds in two days.)

— 5 —

Speaking of health and weight and whatnot, I’m trying to get into a good fitness routine. I’m jogging again (looking as glamorous as always), and I can’t decide whether I’ll go back to Body for Life or Lindsay Brin’s Postnatal Boot Camp DVD for strength training. What I love about Brin’s DVDs is that they’re targeted at moms who have recently had babies, and all the workout ladies (or whatever the term is for the people demonstrating the moves on the DVD) are mothers themselves. Also, for whatever reason, my kids love to do it with me, which always leads to a scene more ridiculous than you could possibly imagine.

Anyway, hit me with any thoughts you have about workout routines that don’t require monthly fees and can be done in or near one’s home. Do we like Jillian or is she too crazy? Do we think that buying books about jumping rope is the very definition of absurdity, or is that just Joe? I am all ears. After feeling so bad for so long, I am extremely motivated to get back into great health.

— 6 —

The other day I got all fired up about making the perfect Cosmo. It was going to be a special treat after another grueling week; in fact, I was so motivated to do it that I actually made a special trip to the store to get cranberry juice — and let me just tell you, getting out to the store when you have six kids under age nine is NO JOKE. From the time we left until the time we returned, the trip took the better part of the afternoon.The shopping experience was deeply traumatic, in large part because there seems to be something in the air in our grocery store that sends my two-year-old into Turbo Crazy mode. I barely kept her from jumping out of the cart, shattering everyone’s eardrums with her screaming, and sweeping clear all the shelves.

When I got home I looked over my haul with satisfaction. I got milk and cream, some spinach, stocked up on summer sunscreen, and even remembered that new can opener that I’d been meaning to pick up for months. And then I barely restrained myself from clawing at my eyes and screaming as I realized:

I FORGOT. THE FREAKING. CRANBERRY. JUICE.

After slumping into a chair and staring at a wall in abject despair for a few hours, I decided to improvise my own recipe. The only juice we had in the house was the kids’ juice boxes, so I went with that. The resulting momtini was surprisingly delicious.

Here’s the recipe, adapted from this one:

• 1 jigger vodka
• 1/2 oz. Cointreau
• 1 tsp fresh lime juice
• 1 1/2 oz from Capri Sun or Juicy Juice box
• Lime and sugar for garnish

Mix all ingredients together in a chilled glass (preferably a martini glass if you’re fancy enough to have one). Wipe lime wedge around rim then douse with sugar for garnish. Guaranteed to make you pick up on the hidden brilliance of Barney that you’d never noticed before.

— 7 —

Hurray for three-day weekends, and God bless the men and women who have died in the service of our country.

————————-

One thousand eight hundred and twenty days ago, I started writing my book, a memoir about going from atheism to belief. After three complete, from-a-blank-page rewrites; countless feedback sessions from Joe and my agent and brilliant fellow writers, each of which left me wondering whether I should perhaps just give up on the written word altogether; revisions that made me feel like my brain was melting; a reality show; three new babies; and a pitch process that almost sent me into cardiac arrest every time I saw my agent’s name in my inbox…I finally have a publisher.

I know I use this word too much, but there is no other way to describe the pitch process other than to say it was EPIC. When Ted, my agent, first told me that we had multiple offers from great publishers, I was thrilled. My excitement quickly melted into a vague sense of dread, however, when I realized that I could only pick one. I know, I know, good problem to have. But because my writer angst knows no bounds, I had these visions of making the wrong decision and ruining everyone’s life in the process, leaving some poor acquisitions editor so scarred that she’d spit on the ground any time she heard my name.

I prayed for direction, and to my great relief my prayers were answered. God made it clear which house would be the right fit for this project, probably because he knew that I’d turn this situation into too much of a hot mess if he didn’t intervene directly this time. Ted made some calls, we all signed some papers, and now I can finally tell you:

Ignatius Press is my publisher, and my book will probably be released either this Fall or next Spring!

Ignatius? you say. Ignatius Press? The Pope’s publisher? The house that puts out all those works of theology that make you feel like you didn’t know anything about anything until you read this book? They’re publishing you? All I can say is: I KNOW!

Our bookshelves are about half full with Ignatius books, and I’m still having a hard time believing that mine will one day be among them. Let’s see, we have:

• A Brief Catechesis on Nature and Grace by Henri de Lubac
• A Refutation of Moral Relativism by Dr. Peter Kreeft
• Scandal of the Incarnation: Irenaeus Against the Heresies by Hans Urs von Balthasar

…And Jennifer Fulwiler talking about listening to Tupac on her iPod while reading the Catechism.

I keep waiting for Mark Brumley to call and tell me delicately that there’s this professor with five PhDs named Jennifer Fullwider, and, long story short, a horrible mistake has been made. But that hasn’t happened yet, and I’ve given it a few weeks, so I guess I can officially say:

Ignatius Press is my publisher!!!!

I invite you to raise a glass of your favorite beverage to celebrate this moment with me in a virtual toast. Thanks for putting up with my writer drama over the past few years (though I shouldn’t talk about it in the past tense, as if there’s not a whole lot more to come). I love sharing my story with you, and I hope you’ll continue to join me in the adventures that are yet to come!

Needless to say, when I’m in these kinds of situations, I don’t tend to make great decisions. For example, I have this stupid sinus infection that I (and Augmentin) can’t seem to kick, and the presence of constant pain in my left cheek combined with a baby who wakes me up many times per night has left me in a not-great mental state. (Yeah, I have a neti pot. Hasn’t helped, but I use it anyway because I look so glamorous doing it.) It’s easy to let times like this trigger the beginning of a downward spiral in which I decline opportunities I should probably take, give up on activities that were good and fruitful, and open up my calendar and CANCEL ALL THE THINGS.

To inject some much-needed sanity into my decision making process during these times, I often go through a checklist of questions that my old spiritual director would ask. This post is kind of a rerun since I posted this list a couple of years ago (and I also have a new and wonderful spiritual director now who also asks great questions), but I thought I’d put it up again since these ideas are helping me keep the crazy-think at bay.

6 Questions My Spiritual Director Would Ask When
I Had a Tough Decision to Make and Was Being Crazy About It:

1. Have you prayed about it?

It’s hard to believe that this question is even necessary, but with me it usually is. With embarrassing frequency I’d come to my old spiritual director, Christie, and pour out my angst about some conundrum, ending with shaking my fist at the heavens and wondering why God wasn’t helping me. There were more than a few awkward moments the resulted from her gently asking, “Have you prayed about it?”, and I had to find a way to avoid seeming like a spiritual vegetable while offering the honest answer of “no.”

2. How does it impact your primary vocation?

I can’t overstate the importance of this question. It’s brought more peace to my life than any other thought exercise. The Catholic idea of vocation is that the meaning of life is to serve others, and your vocation (e.g. married life, religious life, priesthood, etc.) is the main way that God intends for you to serve. It’s his primary path for you to find peace and fulfillment — therefore, no legitimate call from God would negatively impact your vocation. God would never call a parish priest to do something that made him feel burdened and resentful of offering the Mass on Sunday, he would never call a father to something that made him feel tied down and frustrated by his wife and kids, etc. It doesn’t mean that the only things you ever do are directly related to the duties of your vocation, but that those duties are your top priority.

Whenever I’ve started going down a path that introduced tension, resentment, or other bad vibes into the family, it’s always turned out to be the wrong decision. This isn’t to be confused with short-term sacrifices that may be difficult, like when Joe was studying for the CPA exam and it was super stressful at times but we were both ultimately on the same page about it; it’s more about choices that fundamentally put you at odds with your spouse or your kids. Over and over again, I’ve found that if a call you hear is really from God (and not just your own selfish desires doing their best imitation of the Holy Spirit), one sure sign is that it will ultimately end up strengthening your work in your primary vocation.

3. What does your spouse think?

Like with #1, I often get so caught up in analyzing things that I forget to ask for Joe’s input, especially if it’s a small matter. My spiritual director would always hone in on this question too, since the Holy Spirit often speaks through our spouses, especially when we’re not doing a good job of listening to him ourselves. (For people who are not married, an alternative might be to ask your parents, siblings, or a trusted friend.)

4. Are you taking care of yourself?

At one point I’d been in a rut and was trying to figure out how to get my life back on track, but it felt like my discernment process was going nowhere. My prayer life was nonexistence, and, worse, I found that I didn’t even really care about praying. When I came to Christie to complain about it, and she immediately asked if I was taking care of myself. I explained that if tearing through entire bags of junk food at a time, drinking too much wine, never exercising, and staying up past midnight to surf the web could be considered “taking care of myself,” then yes, I was doing a fantastic job.

She paused for a moment, then said, “I think we’ve found at least part of the problem.” Experiences of suffering can be amazing times of closeness to God…but if your suffering is self-inflicted due to obsessive attachments to the things of the world, it’s probably not going to lead you to any super spiritual experiences. Christie said that before I began looking into any deeper causes for my spiritual dryness, I needed to start taking care of myself first. Sure enough, once I started eating a better diet and getting some sleep I was able to take the first steps toward getting my prayer life back on track, which helped me in every area of life.

5. Are you making decisions based on fear?

If you hear an inner voice telling you that you need to do something because you’ll be a big huge loser failure and everyone will hate you if you don’t, it’s pretty safe to say that that is not the voice of the Holy Spirit.

Christie always had to remind me of this. For example, at one point I was discerning whether or not to homeschool, but all of my thinking was fear-based: I was tempted to homeschool because I was freaked out about something I’d heard about the local school and I had images of my kids getting bullied playing in my head over and over again. On the other hand, I thought I should send them to school because I was sure I would screw everything up and end up with teenagers who couldn’t read and had mostly imaginary friends.

Christie encouraged me to stop living in fear and start boldly asking what God wanted our family to do, to make a conscious effort to trust that he would give us what we needed when we needed it if we just followed his path. It took a while to silence all the trains of thought that were filled with fear and anxiousness, but once I did the discernment process went much more smoothly, and I quickly came to a decision that brought me a lot of peace.

6. Which path would bring you the most peace?

Similar to the above, Christie would sometimes ask me to imagine myself going through each of the various options that were before me in some dilemma, and to consider which one would bring me the most peace. Fairly often, I would find that when I actually took the time to do this, I was filled with anxiety when I thought of going the route that looked best on paper, and felt a perfect sense of peace when I considered taking the route that seemed a little crazy — and the peace-filled option always ended up being the right path.

More info

I usually get a lot of great questions when I bring up the subject of spiritual direction, so here are some additional resources:

• How to find a spiritual director.
• This spiritual direction blog is a wealth of information on discernment and the spiritual life. Definitely worth bookmarking and reading regularly.
• This post called 9 Things to Do When Needing Direction has some great tips on this topic.