Constantly Conflicted

Anarchy Evolution

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 05:38:00 +0000

Full disclosure: I'm a Bad Religion Fan Girl. Or something. Fan Girl sounds awfully frivolous, but what else do you call it?

Fan?

OK.

I'm a Bad Religion fan. And I have been for something like 17 years. Bad Religion was a huge influence on my life and world view as a teenager. You know those years where everyone is figuring things out for themselves and starting to ask the big questions? Those were the years that I listened to and studied Bad Religion albums. And I sang along. I knew every lyric (still do) and found so much to think about. So yeah. I pretty much grew up with Greg Graffin's philosophic influence. And, not necessarily as a result, but as it happens, I'm an atheist and a monist and I find evolution in everything. I am not a scientist, but I sometimes wish I was. Pretty much I've been so influence by Greg Graffin and I've listened to and read his lyrics for so long that Anarchy Evolution is just common sense to me. I'd like to say that I think like him, but maybe it's more correct to just say that I understand what he's saying. It's what I would say if I were eloquent (OK, I wouldn't write the personal memoir-type stuff, but the philosophy/atheism/evolution stuff).

In short. I'm going to buy my own copy of this book because I want to read it again with a hi-lighter (they frown on that with library copies) and I want to hi-light the crap out it. And I want to shove my neon copy into the hands of the next person who asks me some dumb question about atheism or what I believe and say "read the yellow parts."

I don't believe in self-important folks who preach
No Bad Religion song can make yourself complete
You'll get no direction from me.

Airport Margarita

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 18:59:00 +0000

I started a Tumblr.
It's called Airport Margarita.

It's about drinking margaritas in airports, which is something I do from time to time. I think it's gonna be set up so anyone can make a submission. But I'm still figuring out this whole tumblr format, so who knows.

A Visit From the Goon Squad

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 03:50:00 +0000

Earlier this week, I was about halfway through A Visit from the Goon Squad and I went to see Social Distortion. Mike Ness is losing his hair, and I thought about how sexy he was last time I saw them play...back when I was in high school, in 1997. And then I realized that 1997 was 14 years ago. It was a 21+ show, and for maybe the first time ever, instead of looking around a show and thinking "Wow, I feel old compared to all these kids" I thought "Wow, we're ALL old".

Early in the set they played "Mommy's Little Monster" then, "Sick Boy". Those songs kicked me in the gut. Then they played "Ball and chain" and I just wanted to cry. I've known those songs and lived those songs and sang those songs and thought I had every emotional reaction to those songs before. But now, the ball and chain is the corporate job and the underwater mortgage. There is nothing punk rock about an underwater mortgage. I think I had a mid-life crisis, right there in what would have been a mosh pit 14 years ago, but was just a crowd of polite foot tappers.

Time is a goon. I think I'm going to paint my fingernails black.

Our Endangered Values

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 17:54:00 +0000

I like Jimmy Carter. Even more now that I've listened to Our Endangered Values.

I especially was interested in President Carter's discussions about fundamentalism, in religion and in politics. He defines fundamentalism in a way I'd not through of it before, but seemed dead on to me. He says that fundamentalism is the idea that we're right, and chosen and everyone else is wrong and therefor un-chosen and therefore disposable. Also that it gives power to leaders instead of to people, which leads to abuses of power. These are exactly the qualities of so many vocal religious groups that make me hostile to religion in general. Sometimes I forget that there are other kinds of religiosity. It's really rare to hear a public figure, especially a Christian public figure, standing up to the idea that some churches and church leaders have taken a selfish and corrupt path. I was preparing myself to really disagree with President Carter for the religious chapters, and I did disagree with him, especially when he talked about missionary work. But I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed what he had to say. He really shows that it is possible to separate religion and politics without being disloyal to your strongly held beliefs.

I was also so refreshed to hear him talk about religion in politics in a way that promotes peace, environmentalism and kindness, things that the most vocal religious political groups condemn. I want to give this book to all my Christian relatives who seem believe that Jesus wants them to starve the poor and bomb the middle east and all that other evilness.

I "read" this as an audio book, and I have to admit that I probably wouldn't have got through the book format. The second half or so got a big dull, but listening I could just tune out a bit without giving up entirely.

Since finishing the book, I've browsed around on the Carter Center website. They do some good stuff!

Green Books - Green Lighting

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 18:00:00 +0000

This review is part of the Green Books campaign. Today 200 bloggers take a stand to support books printed in an eco-friendly manner by simultaneously publishing reviews of 200 books printed on recycled or FSC-certified paper. By turning a spotlight on books printed using eco- friendly paper, we hope to raise the awareness of book buyers and encourage everyone to take the environment into consideration when purchasing books.

The campaign is organized for the second time by Eco-Libris, a green company working to make reading more sustainable. We invite you to join the discussion on "green" books and support books printed in an eco-friendly manner! A full list of participating blogs and links to their reviews is available on the Eco-Libris website.

This year, for the Green Books campaign, I read Green Lighting by Brian Clark Howard, William J Brinsky and Seth Leitman. The book, which I must disclose I received free through the campaign, is printed on 100% post-consumer recycled paper certified by the Forest Stewardship Council.

Something you should know before reading this review: I work in the energy industry and the firm I work for was referenced in Chapter 1 of Green Lighting, (which I didn't know when I chose to read it). I review energy efficiency projects including some lighting projects, but I am by no means an expert on the subject. Lighting is a much more vast topic than most people realize and I often find myself calling colleagues with questions. As an engineer who works with lighting, I found this book to be a wonderful reference and refresher about various lighting technologies.

In general the book reads like a text book (a 101-level lighting text for non-engineers). Sure you could read it cover to cover, and it's accessible enough that some people probably do that. I couldn't get through it like that. I used it to be more of a reference. I picked around and read sections and chapters as I needed them and as they caught my attention.

The chapters on best practices and day lighting and on solar and next-generation lighting were by far the most interesting to me. They're the only chapters I would describe as page-turners and I think they have the broadest appeal. (Homeowners, are you listening? You should start at chapter 8!) There is a section on how to light various rooms in a home that should be required reading for builders and decorators.

I found the sections on florescent lights and gas discharge lights to be extremely informative and while it didn't make for captivating bedtime reading, I'll be keeping my copy of Green Lighting at work where I can pick it up the next time I need to remember the relative efficacies of low pressure sodium or metal halide lamps. (But I'll still need another more detailed reference to do any kind of rigorous calculations.) I'm not sure a typical homeowner or even commercial property manager needs that same level of detail. Of course if that homeowner happens to be an engineer, then they'll read it anyway!

In all, I'm very pleased with Green Lighting. It's a book I'll keep and come back to.

*** edited to add

I just realized that I received and read the wrong book!

At the start of the campaign each blogger chose several books. Green Lighting was one of my choices, but wasn't the book finally selected for me. I was supposed to review Solar Power for Your Home. Green Lighting, was assigned to a blog called Green Goddess and her review is here.

I'm not sure exactly how the error happened, but I'm feeling pretty guilty that I didn't notice it until now. After 5 weeks and a comedy of errors involving a mistyped email address, then signature required shipping, the package being returned to the sender while I twittled my thumbs thinking they'd try to deliver it again, then the awesome help of Eco-Libris to get it re-shipped to my office where I had to chase the delivery guy across the parking lot after I watched him walk past my office window the day I knew it was supposed to arrive (not his fault, the addresses in my building are confusing), I finally received Green Lighting. By that time, I'd forgotten which of my choices was selected and since I recognized the title, I didn't think twice about it! The books are from the same publisher and with the confusion in shipping, it could have gotten mixed up at any point.

Modern slavery is real

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 05:14:00 +0000

How you can help.

Another blog, maybe

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 03:17:00 +0000

I'm thinking about starting an energy efficiency blog.

It would be something simple with minimum writing from me. More like a scrap book than a blog, Tumblr-style maybe. It would just links to good articles and videos. Like this one.

But I'm not really sure about it though. I don't really need one more project in my life. And I am suspicious that my employment agreement prohibits any energy related work that they don't own. And I'd rather not do it than write a corporate blog. (The words "corporate blog" make me want take a nap. So I'm gonna just go to bed now.)

Recipeification

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 03:58:00 +0000

Amanda Marcotte, over at Pandagon, has a really fascinating series exploring reasons why so many people don't cook. With each post I find things that resonate with me, both in her posts and again in the comments. It's the same stuff that I try to explain when admitting that I don't really know how to cook. But she's more articulate than me, so I'll link and quote here and strongly recommend everyone go read them.

From the first piece, about how cooking is actually not an easy task and the classism in the idea that cooking is easy.

Their argument against this was seductively phrased in almost progressive-sounding terms: Jamelle is condescending, wouldn’t ya know? He thinks cooking is hard, and that’s insulting to people. It’s not hard at all! Anyone can learn how to make rice and beans or tuna salad! (Never mind that two recipes is hardly enough for a lifetime of eating.) No, it’s can’t be the cooking is hard---lower income people must simply be lazy, full stop.
(It’s the conclusion they’re working towards that demonstrates that this is not a progressive argument. Or a reality-based one.)

Reading enough of this bullshit, I had one of those great intersectional feminist moments---these guys are couching their poor-bashing comments in sexism. The unspoken assumption behind the “cooking is easy!” nonsense is, “If my mother or wife can do it, how hard can it be?”

Can I take this opportunity to admit that I can't figure out rice and beans. I've tried it. Rice + Beans = Boring on a plate. I'm sure herbs and spices are key, but I haven't tired again. What if I get it wrong? Mix and match the wrong spices and it goes from boring to inedible. I'll have wasted all the time and food.

Forcing myself to buy unusual produce and learn to cook with it is intimidating, because you fall into “failure is not an option” mode, because you don’t want to waste food. I imagine that if you have a family to feed on a small income, that pressure is even more intimidating. With cooking, you learn by doing, and that means a lot of time and energy put in to practicing and refining. Even for people who are really dedicated to it, it’s often tempting to say, “Fuck it all” and eat out, or grab some prepared food. I do it all the time.
The point is, if someone like me struggles, someone without every single advantage in the book is going to struggle. And Jamelle’s right---there are entire groups of people whose food knowledge has disappeared in a couple generations, whether we like it or not.

Personally I resonate with this one a lot. I am privileged and middle class now, but I was raised by a single mom who often didn't have the time or energy to cook, let alone attempt to teach us for ourselves, or the money to introduce us to exotic fare. We did not have cumin in the cupboard.

In the next post, she focuses more on the sexism involved in this conversation. This one was speaking to the folks who lay the blame of unhealthy America on feminism.

The story trotted out by Michael Pollan, and more crudely by Gordon Ramsey, is that women got liberated and now they avoid the kitchen and spend all their time pursuing high powered careers to show off how feminist they are. Thus, they argue, everyone is fat. The problem with this formula is that it focuses the ire at those women whose class status affords them a choice between work and staying at home.* And, as we should all know by now, whether or not someone eats poorly is highly dependent on class status. The women being blamed for putting their careers before their kitchens are the women who are the least likely to be obese or have family members that are.

Reality: the people most affected by junk food culture and the attendant health problems are lower on the income scale. Not that they’re all poor, by any means---sometimes these discussions fall into the trap of assuming everyone is rich or poor, while ignoring people who aren’t on the margins but still live paycheck to paycheck---but it’s safe to say that whether or not women who work in pretty much every income bracket below the upper middle class do so because they have to.

I didn't quite agree with everything she says, because I'm just not living in a world where only women cook. But, I am a Pollan fan and am insulted when he blames women, because, hello! This is not a world where only women cook!

In my circle of friends (who are mostly unmarried and not parents, unlike the situations she's describing) the men cook as much or more than the women. Not just a few outlier cases, but honestly most of my male friends are handy in the kitchen and don't just cook as an occasional favor for their partners. Amanda claims that there is a common situation of men taking on the task of cooking with much self-congratulation and with the expectation that their wives do absolutely all of the other, less creative aspects of housekeeping. This is where I'm not in agreement with her. She is responding, I think, to a particular scenario, which I don't often see. I do often see chores divided up in the way she describes. I don't see the self-congratulation, maybe pride in a job well done, but not the "I'm such a good helper" pride that she seems to see as endemic. In my experience this has more to do with priories than my boyfriend hogging all the fun stuff. He wants well-cooked flavorful food, I just want food. I get stressed out by clutter and mess while he doesn't notice it. So he cooks and I clean. But we are only one data-point. There still may be some cultural sexism going on beneath the surface of our happy habits that point to the larger pattern. One (not the only, but one) of the reasons I like to keep a clean house is that I feel judged by the state of my home. If someone sees dishes in my sink, I'm horrified. I feel judged and guilty and ashamed in a way that I think most men don't feel. In fact, I feel judged by the state of my boyfriend's messy kitchen and I don't even live there!

OK, back on topic...

Next, she posts about how the culture of how cooking is taught is increasingly intimidating and about how we have whole TV channels devoted to recipes, but not the basics. Recipification.

What I realized is that one reason Americans don’t cook as much as we should for our health---one reason that cooking really is hard---is that the model on how to cook is so recipe-oriented. We think that “cooking” means planning a recipe, shopping for ingredients, and following the recipe closely. You really see this attitude in the CSA article. The writer is actually a little thrown initially by Mark Bittman’s more organic way of cooking, which is just to do things up simply and serve them together. She even jokes about how she’s so drawn to words like “gratin”, and that causes her to overthink stuff. I think her problem is endemic.

Not that there’s anything wrong with following recipes, of course. But the people who cook the most, I suspect, are the ones who do that only 10-20% of the time. The reason is that recipe-based cooking takes a lot more time and mental space that you need for other things, it creates leftovers, and it also often means buying more of certain ingredients than you need for the recipe. And then a lot of people don’t know how to use the extra ingredients into the future, so they get caught in this cycle of always having to buy everything for recipes, and then their cabinets get overfull and that can be overwhelming. I know, because I used to be that person.
What we need, in part, is a national move away from thinking of cooking in this orderly, painstaking fashion. Mark Bittman’s books are actually a good start.

True story: I tried to make an apple crisp last Thanksgiving and I ended up calling my sister in tears because I couldn't figure out how much brown sugar to use. I'd wanted to make it like I remember from when we were kids, but I couldn't find a basic recipe without all kinds of crazy extra things in it so I was trying to mix and match the recipes and got in over my head.

You might think from this that I am just simply uneducated. I did take a cooking class in high school, and it was terribly tedious and recipe oriented. Our final project was to make pies. They took a week to make. Day One you go through all the pie recipes in the world and pick one. Day Two you write out a list of ingredients and coordinate with other groups to figure out the correct size bag of flower (and everything) for the class to buy and make a shopping list. The next day you make an action plan of how you're going to make the pie: filling first and then make the crust during the time that the filling has to soak or whatever. Day Four we spent the class period making the pies. Then the next day, Friday we baked them. Unsurprisingly, I have not made a pie since.

I can't figure out how to cook without recipes or directions. I'm consistently impressed when people can make a dish out of what I thought was haphazard ingredients. I know there is a way to do this, I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it. And at the same time, recipes are intimidating to me because often they're overly complicated for my eat dinner by myself at 8:30 pm kind of lifestyle. Add to that the pressure I feel to eat largely organic and/or local and I get a full on case of paralysis by analysis.

I expect a lot of people eat like me. I eat reasonably well without real cooking. I heat things up. I make 2 or 3 un-related items and call them dinner. I have a few dishes I fall back on over and over: Salads, pasta with sauce from a jar, steamed veggies, potatoes. My boyfriend taught me enough that I could whip up a stir-fry or pasta sauce from whole ingredients. But I've been a half-hearted vegetarian for over a year now, and never did find a figure out how to get protein into those dishes, so I gave up on them. Today: salad greens (pre-washed mix), Trader Joe's pot stickers (heat and serve) and a couple cubes of cheese. If I'm still hungry later I'll dip some baby carrots in some hummus.

So what is the solution? Hell if I know.

I want to know how to feed myself, but honestly, a large part of my problem is that I'm lazy. (I'm not saying that people who don't cook are lazy, I only speak of myself, with full knowledge that I do have an average amount of free time and the access to the proper tools.) It kind of makes me want to get the book she talks about. But the idea of reading a cookbook is overwhelming to me.

Really, the problem isn't me. I am an example of the problem. America can't cook. Someone needs to teach them, without the condescension of "it's really easy" and without hating on women or hating on the poor. Maybe Jamie Oliver or Alice Waters or Mark Bitterman or Alton Brown will really make a difference, it's clear they're on the right track. Lets just hope their solutions don't rely to heavily on recipe books.

Need something sweet tonight

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Fri, 21 May 2010 05:32:00 +0000

Meet the sloths from Amphibian Avenger on Vimeo.

Galileo's Daughter

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 06:38:00 +0000

I found Galileo's Daughter to be both slow and fascinating. Or rather, it lead me to several fascinating thoughts, more about the time period than the actual book/story, and mostly rage-filled.

The book itself: not a page-turner.
The topics it covered and ideas it inspired: full of enthusiasm

First, and most important: I'm really glad that it is 2010 and not 1610.
I'm really grateful that I live in the US and not a church-state. And I am really really motivated to continue supporting the separation of church and state in every single aspect of life.
I am thankful for freedom of speech. Thankful that writers and scientists and thinkers are not censored by a church or a government.
I am thankful that it is no longer deemed acceptable (although it was celebrated by the writer of this book) to imprison pre-teens in convents where they will be forced to live in abject poverty, endure malnourishment, perform unlimited manual labor, religious indoctrination, imprisonment, celibacy and sexual abuse for the rest of their lives! I don't care if that is "just what was done" or "the best they could hope for" or whatever. It is not acceptable.
I am shocked by the gall of someone who would imprison his daughters and then ask those daughters to do his damn laundry and manage his household and feel compassionate that he's on house arrest on his estate with plenty to eat and visitors and servants. And that his daughter did those things happily.
I don't understand the concept of doing someone's penance for them.
I don't understand the concept of respecting a church/organization that refuses to acknowledge the obvious just because it disagrees with something someone said once.
The conflict of science vs. religion and religious censoring of scientific education: the more things change, the more things stay the same.
I don't understand the concept of being kicked out of believing something. In fact, this idea of religion as something you can be kicked out of is a huge and interesting concept.
I don't understand the concept of taking the Bible as fact.
I am horrified by the plague.
I do not understand the dynamic of Galileo and his children's mother, not that its any of my business, but it did seem like something that would have made it into the book.
I do not and will not believe that church officials are particularly religious/good/spiritual...
What on earth were they teaching in universities before the understandings of physics that Galileo introduced? They even had complicated degree programs and credit requirements and all that stuff we have now... But they taught engineering without the concept of gravity (everyone would have failed the PE exam I took last week!), and medicine without the concepts of germs and with the nonsense of astrology! Makes you wonder what kind of bogus we're teaching each other these days.
I am amazed that anyone lived to be 70 years old when they were treating major diseases with candied oranges.
Galileo was really damn smart.

miscellaneous

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 07:05:00 +0000

Some things I'm conflicted about:

Bowling

Bowl next year, or not, don't have to decide for a while, but may influence other decisions
Use this year's bowling pay-out to buy my own ball, or not
If bowling next year: volunteer to be secretary again, or not at risk of the league disbanding because no one else wants the job.
I really enjoy bowling but the hassle of being secretary was more than I bargained for and the 32-week long season has me burned out.

The cat

The same old story

Vegetarian

I've been mostly vegetarian for more than a year, but lately I'm just not that into it. Stick with it, or not.
Need to do some deep thinking on this one.

Sister's birthday

Her gift is an event on May 1. She already knows that part because I had to verify she would be able to make it. Do I tell her at the birthday party what it is? Or make her wait until the day of.
Not sure which is better, the anticipation of the surprise, or the anticipation of the event.

Hiking blog

I'm not at all motivated to keep up with my hiking blog, PDX Day Hiker.
I could delete it. Or just stop updating. Or keep at it. Or keep at it sporadically, giving the impression that I'm someone with a hiking blog who doesn't hike that much.
As it is, I'm late on two posts from March.

Dye today?

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 04:52:00 +0000

I've been thinking lately about coloring my hair again. This time I will not be using a permanent dye that bleaches the hair first, just a temporary color to hide the grays. The orange damaged parts of my hair are almost completely gown out, I don't want to loose that progress. What could the harm be in a temporary color?

The more I think about it though, the more I realize that it's not my gray hair that really bothers me. It's my total and complete lack of style. Not only do I not know how to "do" my hair each day, I don't have a particularly flattering haircut. Also, I don't know how to pick out a flattering hair cut.

I'm sick of looking like a "before" photo on a frizz-ease advertisement. And when by some miracle I get things under control I look so boring and soccer-mom-ish. Sick of it. Since I don't know how to fix those things, I am resorting to dying again because then at least my hair will look messy and young! Right? Bah.

Rather than actually buy and dye yesterday, I shopped the hair-care aisles. I bought some spray in product that promises controlled curls. When I got home I found I already had a full bottle of the same stuff in the cabinet, long forgotten. I tried it today, I think it's just water. For a moment I even toyed with the idea of buying a straitening iron. But I didn't because 1. I don't know how to use one and would probably get frustrated trying to learn and give up and 2. Even if I figured it out the chance of me waking up 20 minutes earlier each day to straiten my hair are laughable.

How did I get to be 30 without learning how to style my own hair?

I'm going to a wedding next month, maybe I'll do the temp dye then as part of my dress up.

Kitty update - still alive

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 04:31:00 +0000

We went to the vet this afternoon.

And we came back in pretty much the same state we left. Only with more drugs. It's always more drugs.

She does not think there is anything big wrong with him. He likely doesn't have bowel cancer or anything like that as there are no other symptoms. We'll be able to knock a few things from the "probably not" to the "know for sure" column when his blood and stool work get back. He may however be in some kind of more general pain, such as from arthritis and maybe he acts out to show that he's in pain. Maybe. For now we have some kitty pain killers that he's starting on today with his dinner.

If he's not a little prince after a week or so, we switch to stronger sedatives. And I have to get past the block that makes me not want to sedate a sleeping cat. It's just so counter-intuitive and seems so mean to wake him up to give him a sedative, but since they take an hour to kick in, that's what I need to start doing. Every damn day.

Is that a way to live? Stoned 12 hours a day? The only time I like him is when he's sweet and cuddly, will I be destroying that by making sure he's drugged for most of the hours that I'm home? We'll see and reassess in a few weeks.

Why is a cat like a lawn mower?

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 04:47:00 +0000

My cat is a constant source of stress and sleeplessness and conflict for me. He has medical and behavior issues that result in me scheduling my whole life around his medication schedules, spending quite a lot of money, staying up later than I'd like to almost every night and living in a home where finding poop on the floor is a regular threat. He is arguably the major reason (excuse?) why I'm not living the life I want to be living.

I often feel like a hostage to the cat. And I find myself complaining about him a lot. I hate that. I hate that I complain so much, but at the same time, I feel like it's some kind of (highly obnoxious) auto-conversation. Run out of small talk? Whine about the evil kitty...

My friends and family are sympathetic and try to offer suggestions and I find myself refusing and refuting everything they say. I can't make him and outside cat because of... I can't put him in the garage because of... I can't give him wet food because of... I can't win and don't tell me it's possible because I'll give you some excuse. I can't win. Often they encourage me to have him put to sleep. And while the idea is unbelievably tempting, I've just not been able to go through with it. He's my kitty! He cuddles with me and is sometimes sweet and sometimes funny and sometimes acts like he's enjoying his life. How could I take that away from him. But my god, he's obnoxious! Whine, whine, whine, complain, complain, complain. Feel sorry for me because I'm trapped. No one understands how horrible my life is... I'm so sick of listening to myself complain, and I'm sure everyone else is sick of hearing it too.

Now, I've realized just how much this situation reminds me of my lawn mower.

Several years ago I was given an old reel mower. I proudly used it to mow my lawn and I hated every minute of it. The mower was heavy and difficult for me to push even at the best of times. When the grass was long, the mower was very hard to use and if I let the grass get above the height of the axle (about 6 days of spring growth), it wouldn't cut at all. And if the grass was wet, nothing. It was a disaster. And I hated it and I complained about it. At length. And whenever someone suggested I just buy a normal lawn mower I'd go on some self-righteous rant about pollution and noise and why reel mowers are better for the planet. Whine, whine, whine, complain, complain, complain. Feel sorry for me because I'm trapped. No one understands how horrible my life is...

Last month I bought an electric lawn mower. It works great. While I'm still never going to be thrilled at the prospect of mowing the lawn, it's not panic inducing anymore. Sure, my green-ego took a serious hit. But I'm also relieved.

Now I'm wondering if I'd feel the same way if I just went ahead and had the cat put down. Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on? Time to stop burdening myself and stop being a complainer? Time to start taking the advice of everyone around me?

This parallel has been on my mind for a few weeks now. And today I got a notice from the vet that it's time for the evil kitty's annual blood work and vaccinations. So it's time to make a decision. I don't know what to do.

What if I go through with it, have him put to sleep, steal his life, and then my life doesn't magically get better? I wonder if I'm going to find some new thing to start complaining about. How many things have I been blaming on the cat that are really me, or other people? Will I really be better at my job if I'm not sleepy? Or will I stay awake reading all night? Will my relationships get less stressed if I'm not running across town to administer insulin 2 times a day? Or is the stress coming from within? Will I get any closer to a dream trip to Kilimanjaro or Iceland without all these vet bills? Or will I piss away my extra cash like I always have? Will I still find poo on the hallway floor? No. I have at least one definite win!

Sigh. I just don't know what to do. Whine, whine, whine, complain, complain, complain. Feel sorry for me because I'm trapped. No one understands how horrible my life is...

I'm not as conflicted as I thought

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 02:54:00 +0000

I'm beginning to realize that my standard "I don't know" answer to many questions is not always honest. The truth is often that I'm afraid of expressing myself for fear of rejection or embarrassment.

This has been a life-long fear, manifesting at various times as shyness, taking on the opinions of people I wanted to impress, and finally simply refusing to discuss how I feel. I've corrected this bad habit on so many fronts that I thought I didn't do it any more. I will happily tell anyone I don't agree with their politics or religion. But apparently I still don't say the most important things to the most important people.

My insecurity has manifest as internal conflict, which in turn manifests in the words "I don't know." In some cases the conflict is real, my dreams and ideas often don't mesh with each other. I have to admit now that this isn't the same thing as not knowing what I want.

Sometimes, I'm so afraid of admitting my opinion and my wants that I mistake the fear for not having opinions or not wanting anything. I'm afraid to admit I have fantasies of the future because I know they may not mesh with other people's dreams or the image/opinion/emotion I want other people to have of me or even the image I have of myself. I convince myself I don't know how I feel or what I want. Really, I do know what I want. I don't know how those things will be met. I fear (not unrealistically) that they will be met with rejection and impossibility and I don't know if I want to deal with that kind of rejection. So I claim to not know anything.

And so, here I am, keeping my most important feelings and dreams a big fat secret from the people who matter most.

Poverty in the US

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 01:40:00 +0000

To all the people who leave comments and send me emails about my Same Kind of Different as Me post (both here and on Goodreads where it is cross-posted) (or on other people's Goodreads posts for that matter) saying that Same Kind of Different As Me is the most amazing book ever because it taught you that the homeless are people too:

I'm very very very happy that you've finally come around to this realization. If it took a book to make you understand that people in poverty are real people, then I'm very glad that you read the book. Now, please don't insult me or anyone else by expecting that we don't know that homeless are people.

I assure you that I do know that poverty affects real people and that people in poverty are living a struggle and they aren't in such a situation because of any defect in themselves or because they are less than. Every person has a story and a background and skills and fears and worries and pain. They do not need preaching at and they do not deserve scorn. People need access to health care, education, nutritious food, employment opportunities, shelter, safety and they deserve to be treated with respect.

The people who email me and comment tend to claim that religion is the answer to poverty and homelessness and site religious organizations and their charitable work. I agree that religious groups can and do help those in need. But I also know that many religious groups support policies that contribute to cycles of poverty. Things like: removing or preventing accessible health care, abstinence only education, anti-choice policies, ending social services, child abuse, homophobia, greed, and in general being conservatives.

For more information on groups fighting poverty in a secular way, check out http://homelessness.change.org and http://uspoverty.change.org

Atheist reading

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 04:59:00 +0000

I don't talk much specifically about being an atheist. I rarely mention it on the blog and almost never in real life unless someone else brings the topic up.

I find that I have a hard time discussing religion with religious folks, because I'm not really sure how to state my point without acting like a jerk. That's why I haven't replied to most of the comments or emails generated on the only post here that generates comments or emails. I can't seem to get too deep into a conversation without calling someone gullible or calling their religion a Ponzi Scheme or bursting into laughter when they threaten me with Hell or getting stuck when they say its only those other Christians who are disgraceful, not them.

Recently I came across writer on Alternet, Greta Christina and her gold mine of posts to help put my conflicts into words. There is a great post about just this difficulty in conversation. It lays out some of the catch-22 situations that atheists face when talking to a religious person. Here's the beginning:

I've been in a lot of discussions and debates with religious believers in the last few years, and I'm beginning to notice a pattern. Believers put atheists in no-win situations, so that no matter what atheists do, we'll be seen as either acting like jerks or conceding defeat.
Like so many rhetorical gambits aimed at atheists, these "damned if you do, damned if you don't" tactics aren't really valid criticisms of atheism.[...]
When atheists focus our critiques on conservative or extremist religions, we get accused of ignoring the tolerant progressive ones and lumping all religions together. But when we do criticize progressive or moderate religions, we're accused of mean-spirited overkill, of alienating people who could be our allies.

Why this is untrue and unfair: It doesn't make much sense to assume that the atheist critique of religion you're reading that moment is the only atheist critique of religion this writer has ever come up with. Most atheist writers who criticize religion do so many times, and from many angles. We critique extremist fundamentalism, and moderate ecumenicalism. We critique specific religious beliefs and practices, and the general belief in the supernatural. It's not "lumping all religions together" to point out the flaws and hypocrisies and evils committed by one in particular.

One such situation is the fear of being labeled intolerant. I, like most people, want to get along and be respectful of everyone. And freedom of religion and religious tolerance is built into our moral structure and society, so it's hard to criticize religion, even when really it doesn't deserve a space at the science-talk table. The same writer addresses that situation too.

Religion is not a subjective opinion, an ethical axiom or a personal perspective. (These things can be connected with religion, of course, but they're not what make its unique core.) Opinions, axioms and personal perspectives can be debated, but ultimately, they're up to each person to decide for themselves. Religion is none of these things. Religion is a hypothesis. It says, "Things are the way they are because of the effects of the immaterial world on the material one." Things are the way they are because God made them that way. Because the Devil is making them that way. Because the World-Soul is evolving that way. Because we have spiritual energy animating our consciousness. Because guardian angels are watching us. Because witches are casting spells. Because we are the reincarnated souls of dead people. Whatever. [...]
Arguing against hypotheses that aren't supported by the evidence is not anti-diversity. That's how we understand the world better. We understand the world by rigorously gathering and analyzing evidence... and by ruthlessly rejecting any hypothesis the evidence doesn't support. Was it hostile to diversity for Pasteur to argue against the theory of spontaneous generation? For Georges Lemaitre to argue against the steady-state universe? For Galileo to argue against geocentrism?
And if not, then why is it hostile to diversity for atheists to argue against the hypothesis of God and the supernatural world?

Another big topic I don't talk about much and am happy to find a post on, atheists and anger. So much important stuff on this list. I highly recommend reading it! A few examples:

I'm angry that school boards all across this country are still -- 82 years after the Scopes trial -- having to spend time and money and resources on the fight to have evolution taught in the schools. School boards are not exactly loaded with time and money and resources, and any of the time/ money/ resources that they're spending fighting this stupid fight is time/ money/ resources that they're not spending, you know, teaching. [...]

I'm angry that women are dying of AIDS in Africa and South America because the Catholic Church has convinced them that using condoms makes baby Jesus cry.[...]

I'm angry that women are having septic abortions -- or are being forced to have unwanted children who they resent and mistreat -- because religious organizations have gotten laws passed making abortion illegal or inaccessible.[...]

I get angry when religious leaders opportunistically use religion, and people's trust and faith in religion, to steal, cheat, lie, manipulate the political process, take sexual advantage of their followers, and generally behave like the scum of the earth. I get angry when it happens over and over and over again. And I get angry when people see this happening and still say that atheism is bad because, without religion, people would have no basis for morality or ethics, and no reason not to just do whatever they wanted. [...]

I get angry when believers say at the beginning of an argument that their belief is based on reason and evidence, and at the end of the argument say things like, "It just seems that way to me," or, "I feel it in my heart"... as if that were a clincher. I mean, couldn't they have said that at the beginning of the argument, and not wasted my fucking time? My time is valuable and increasingly limited, and I have better things to do with it than debating with people who pretend to care about evidence and reason but ultimately don't. [...]

So when you tell an atheist (or for that matter, a woman or a queer or a person of color or whatever) not to be so angry, you are, in essence, telling us to disempower ourselves. You're telling us to lay down one of the single most powerful tools we have at our disposal. You're telling us to lay down a tool that no social change movement has ever been able to do without.

The Universe in a Single Atom

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 00:45:00 +0000

I remember when I first heard of The Universe in a Single Atom. In fact, I'm fairly certain that reading the book jacket in Powells was the spark for my interest in Buddhism over the past year or so. For no good reason, I didn't get around to reading this, the book the started this whole line of thought, until last month. And it took me a full two months to finish it. I'm glad I didn't read it right away, I think it would have been too over my head had I not had the basic understanding of Buddhism that I have now. Yet, even so, some of the concepts were over my head. It's tough text to sit down with.

I expected this book to be amazing and change my life and finally allow me to fully understand how Buddhism and atheism can play well together. Unfortunately, I was expecting too much. It's not the book I was expecting to read. I'd describe it as HHT Dalai Lama's memoir of science and how he resolves it with traditional Buddhist beliefs.

The chapters on Buddhist psychology were the only that really interested me. The notion that there is a thing called Buddhist Psychology was a revelation to me and something I want to look into further. This might be what it is I'm actually interested with this whole topic of study.

The rest was hard to get through. Example: the concept of Emptiness and quantum mechanics complementing each other, I don't get it. Maybe because I don't truly understand either topic. Or maybe because it's a stretch to compare them. Same goes for karma/evolution. I don't see the parallel and completely and totally fail to understand how reincarnation can jibe with science.

Additionally, I think he was grasping with the descriptions of ancient Tibetan explanations of the world. All cultures have stories and explanations on topics like the origin of the universe/Earth/life and the makeup of stuff (elements). They can't all be true, even if they are the basis of The Dalai Lama's home culture. He seemed to be trying to claim that science is proving the Tibetans to be correct- another stretch. Can we admit confirmation bias here?

In all, I hate to give a bad review, because I admire the Dalai Lama so much. So I'm lets call this a moderate review. Glad to have read it, maybe even will try again if I ever get to a point where I understand the Buddhist philosophy well enough. But definitely wouldn't recommend this as casual or scientific reading.

I don't want my tax dollars spent on...

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 05:10:00 +0000

War.

Haircut conflicted

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 18:54:00 +0000

It's now been at least a year since the last time I dyed my hair. I'm not certain of the date, but it was sometime in late 2008.

I'm surprised by how dark the natural color is, especially compared to the damaged blondish-brass ends. I'm very eager to get it cut to get rid of those ugly ends- not to cut off all the previously dyed bits, just the super damaged ends. But only recently has my hair gotten to a length that can support a pony tail, and I don't want to give that up yet.

Needless Kitty Photo

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 05:27:00 +0000

This is the evil beast who keeps me up all night. Nice of him to demonstrate being cute and sweet and quiet this evening. It would be even cuter if I wasn't trying to put fresh sheets on the bed during this photo-op. Disturbing the lounging kitty is punishable by removal of hands.

I'm such a trend setter!

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 19:53:00 +0000

Turns out that gray hair is trendy. Who knew?

According to recent quips from Alex Brownsell, high-end hair stylist in the UK, grey hair is now in vogue. She states that many individuals who sought the uber-blonde look over the past few years or so have taken it a step further and are now requesting that hairdressers country-wide are taking it a step further in processing — gorgeous grey.

The Book Thief

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 18:23:00 +0000

When I think about Germany during World War II, I never think about (non-persecuted) German civilians, or even the soldiers. I only think of atrocities and evil leaders and evil officers and most of all, the victims. Sympathy for (non-persecuted) Germans doesn't cross my mind. At least it didn't until The Book Thief. This is a story about a lot of things. Most of all, for me, it's a reminder that the casualties or war not not all soldiers. Not the good guys or the bad guys. But regular people, trying to live and grow up in a war zone. This is a timeless truth.

Now, the compulsory question: Gimmicky or not? I say gimmicky.

At the beginning, the little notes seemed new and experimental. But no. Just gimmicky. And the voice of death could be edgy or even humorous if done in that tone. And seriously, this is Germany in 1943 - Death has a staring roll. But I don't think it was necessary. Just another hook.

I kind of even wonder, if the book didn't have these devices, would it have been marketed as a YA book? Or do publishers think they need to appear edgy to get teens reading? And do teens fall for it? Not that one needs to be tricked into reading The Book Thief. It's really quite a read. You don't need to gimmick people into reading, why gimmick at all?

National Day of Action Against Stupak-Pitts

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 18:53:00 +0000

Senators Hatch and Nelson are planning to introduce an amendment virtually identical to the Stupak abortion coverage ban that passed in the House bill. It would effectively ban abortion coverage for millions of women.

Please stop them: Email your senators.
More actions

Real health care reform doesn't sacrifice the medical needs of 50% of the population.

Animal, Vegetable, Miracle

noreply@blogger.com (Jackie) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 07:46:00 +0000

My grandma lived an agricultural life. In the early 30's she was bounced all over the Pacific Northwest as a foster child, which in those days was equivalent to being and indentured farm-hand. At age 27, she and her husband purchased 10 acres, where they tended vegetables, flowers, berries and an orchard, and they raised pigs and cows and 6 children. Grandma worked and lived on the farm for the last 55 years. She died there on November 18. Over the last month, I spent a lot of time at my grandma's farm. I learned quite a lot about my grandma's life and about how the farm functions.

I began reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle the day after my grandma passed. In the week that followed, I was amazed at the parallels between the lifestyle Kingsolver promotes and the lifestyle my grandma lived. It felt like a window into the world that I somehow grew up ignoring and neglecting and not helping with. I loved the descriptions of plants and animals and seasons and food. I saw my grandmother in the neighborly and generous spirit. I could seriously feel the love that Kingsolver and her family share. OK, maybe I was projecting a bit, I've been surrounded by love love love.

When my book group chose this book, I was not enthused. I fully expected to get annoyed at Barbara Kingsolver. I expected to be overwhelmed with her wealth privilege, farm-knowledge privilege or even free-time privilege or some other format of arrogance. Contrary to my fears, Kingsolver does not guilt the reader for not owning a 20 acre farm. Occasionally I did find myself thinking: "What about those of us who can't figure out what is a weed and what is spinach?" or "How does anyone these days learn how to butcher a chicken?" or "Most of us don't have the means to purchase farm land, or the knowledge of how to turn our yards into a veggie garden." Then I'd remember that my grandma did all these things and she knew these things. She would have been thrilled to teach me. She taught my father and aunts and uncles, they grew up this way. A generation later, many of my cousins garden and a few learned to butcher animals. I just never listened.

Whenever a loved one dies, we naturally regret the time we didn't spend with them. I'm also regretting the things I neglected to learn. How sad that I read gobs books about food and nutrition and sustainability and have a shelf of intimidating books on gardening that I haven't even cracked, when such a knowledgeable teacher was only a generation away.

I have vivid memories of a hot kitchen as she canned green beans over her wood-fired stove. I have no memories of helping or asking to learn. Around 10 years ago, Grandma's garden became too much for her to work alone. Family members pitched in with work parties, but I was already living far from home and only made it a few times. One chore I didn't escape was chopping firewood, but I certainly never learned to cook on the wood stove and don't even know how to use the fireplace. (The other chore I didn't escape was killing slugs with a salt shaker. Grandma had armies of salt-armed grandkids. Organic!)

At Thanksgiving, the family started the sad task of cleaning out Grandma's house, beginning with the refrigerator. I was sent home with the usual Thanksgiving leftovers and a couple jars of jelly. There was an open invitation to raid the shed, which contains shelves and shelves and shelves of canned foods.

My grandma knew how to feed her family. It's a wonder I can even feed myself.