Carne Cabeza and the gang talk number twos, Pedro Strop, our fantastic bullpen of late, Super Bowl Rings, and the Urban Dictionary Word of the Week. Also featuring Eutaw Street Report’s segment, “The Good, Bad, Ugly and Stacy Kiebler” as well as our very own Shout Outs and Shut Ups.

Buy Ravens Tickets!

Our first entry comes from instagrammer burd_lancaster:

Wednesday, 09:45am: Location unknown

Apparently my car is just as good as a trash can to some Tuesday night drunks! #baltimore #firstworldproblems #chinesefoodandpizza #gross

Yeah, classic Put That Wherever car food. Though this one gets bonus points for including a pizza box, bowl, what appears to be pasta, chinese food, a true World’s Pantry of food, all on one car hood. I’m actually more impressed than offended by this, it’s a very diverse menu featured on this poor car trunk.

Next up from reader Colleen:

Saturday, 10:11am: Dillon and Linwood

Good thing they used the wiper blades to hold it in place.

Super MacGuyver Dickhead points for ensuring that this empty pizza box couldn’t possibly blow away in the still (or wind) of the night. Then again, maybe it was really windy when they were trying to drunkenly smash the pizza down their pieholes (see what I did there) and were simply trying to protect their investment – and what’s a little windshield wiper pizza between friends, or strangers?

PUTTIN THAT WHEREVER

Sweet, sweet pit beef

Posted: 2013-05-21, 2:20AM EDT
Can pit beef bring us together? – m4w (Arbutus arts fest)
Message: “You were working at the Lions Club pit beef stand. I was working the event also. I thought you were really pretty. I wanted to talk to you but you seemed busy. I couldn’t get you off my mind. If by some chance you read this, email me!”

Analysis: Dude, you never had a chance. This is pit beef we’re talking about. Combine that with even a 6 placing that pit roasted goodness on a bun with a smile and any man worth his weight in boners wouldn’t be able to get her out of their mind either. I’m willing to bet this Arbutus Beauty had 40+ random dudes hitting her up an the Arts Fest — also what constitutes “Arts” in Arbutus? Exorbitant ashtray designs? Pergo sculptures? Either way good luck.

Posted: 2013-05-15, 12:32PM EDT
Sunday Morning Screening – m4w – 48 (BWI B Concourse Security)
Message:” You cut a mean figure in your green dress, and struck me from a mile away. When I found you behind me as everyone was reassembling themselves after security I felt good fortune wash over me, but lapsed on my game, stymied by the presence of my colleagues and the early morning hour. I hope you had a good trip. Reach out if you think you’d like to share a cup of coffee or grab a drink sometime.”

Analysis: This is classic Missed Connections; “Hey saw you for a nanosecond while TSA was fucking up my Christmas at 5am and despite the fact that hooking up is the furthest thing from anyone’s mind I hope you feel the same way that I did for some incredulous reason.” Also you have no evidence that this female in question is even from the area, and what the hell kind of game do you have if it’s “lapsed” due to the presence of colleagues in the early morning?

Posted: 2013-05-16, 7:08PM EDT
yellow shirt, black hair in one wide braid on circulator – m4w – 32 (Charles Village)
St. Paul St. at E. Lanvale St.
Message: “I noticed you immediately. You were running across Charles to catch the circulator at Baltimore.

You sat in the back and touched me as you passed my seat.

I was half in the aisle because of the guy next to me, so it’s not like I thought anything of it.

But I kept thinking about you back there.

I changed seats around the monument, and later someone from the back sat next to me. It was you.

I should’ve said something, but I was stunned. You smelled really good in this exact way that I never notice in anyone.

When we got off at Penn Station, you walked the same way I go, and you turned to go towards St. Paul like I usually do. I didn’t want to creep you out, so I didn’t cross to the other side of St. Paul as usual.

So, you were wearing a yellow t-shirt shirt and black, perfect fit pants, and black shoes, and your black hair was in one, wide braid, and you had giant headphones. And you had a tan leather-type bag. And you’re pretty much the cutest girl I’ve ever seen in Baltimore.”

Analysis: creep.

Posted: 2013-05-17, 8:51PM EDT
Re: Immovable Object – m4w
Message: “This is for that vision with freckles that so emphatically dot the sentence that is your consummate visage; The girl that’s finer than China from Lenox. I’m certain I’d love every bit of the woman you wake up as on your worst day. While I know the reasons why, it remains so surreal to me that someone with such a natural wealth of internal and physical beauty should feel like they need to be what others want them to be to gain accepted. I’ve got just as many ways to tell you how amazing you are as you have drops of magnificence in the sea of your divinity. So…ya know, I dig you for you.

Look, I know you’re struggling and I just wanted to remind you that I’d gladly struggle with you, right now, tomorrow, monday morning, anytime, if you’d let me in. You don’t have to prep and pretend to be happy to appease anyone, simply being with you in any capacity is enough. Please don’t misunderstand me, nothing has changed I still want you, all of you, indefinitely; But I want my friend back more.”

Analysis: Hi I’m going to use as many words as possible to try to sound like a Billy D Williams salespitch for some sort of new cologne distilled from actual cheese – drops of magnificence in the sea of your divinity?

FOR SALE

One man’s junk is another man’s Picasso

Posted: 2013-05-24, 11:57AM EDT
air guitar amp – $7000 (hampden)

Message: “Mint.”

Analysis: Sold.

Your friendly, neighborhood, self-appointed Bishop here.  Today I would like to share with you the horror of my Monday night.  This terrible evening shall henceforth be known as:

THE GREAT TOILET WAR OF 2013

In the basement of the house I rent there is a free-standing toilet.  There are no walls around this toilet.  There is no curtain.  There is no stall, no door.  It stands alone, off to one side of the room.   The only person comfortable using this free-standing, porcelain throne is my four-year-old boy, who has no need for privacy.  (He’ll just drop his pants and pee any where.)

When I came home from work on Monday, I found our sump-pump had burned out sometime during the afternoon.  There was a little rain leakage in the basement, but nothing serious.  “No problem,” I thought.  “I’ll replace it tomorrow.”

This was a huge mistake.

By 8:30pm there were rivers in my basement and I was fighting to get everything not in a plastic bin up off the floor before it was ruined.  It was a battle I was winning, until my free-standing, pointless toilet decided to play Old Faithful.  With no warning, a river of rain water and sewage suddenly erupted from the porcelain throne, mocking my efforts to keep our positions safe.  The murky liquid flowed freely into my basement quickly coating the floor in with a slick paste of indescribable mess.

At first, I simply tried to minimalism the damage; but thirty minutes into the battle a foot of rain-sewage filled the room.   The stench was overwhelming.  I emerged from the basement, my feet covered in pooh-water.  First round went to the toilet.

My wife and I agreed that she and the kids should abandon ship.   We packed bags and off they went to Grandma’s house, leaving me alone to fight the good fight.

Round two began with a trip to Wal-Mart to find a new sump-pump.

I know what you are thinking.  “Bishop, a sump-pump is not going to help you this point in the war.”  In hindsight, I see this was true.  But at the time my thinking was clouded by sewage fumes.”

I wondered the aisles of Wal-Mart for while before finally finding the weapon I thought would save the day.  With a sump-pump in hand, returned home and waded back down into the murky mess, hoping to pump all the sludge away.  Rain was still coming down hard outside.   Old Faithful had been spewing for over an hour and there was a full foot and a half of shit-rain in the basement.

I sloshed my way to the hole where the burned out burned out sump-pump was located, bent over, and began feeling around for the contraption.  The hole was deeper than I expected.   Pooh-water came up over my elbows.   I grabbed all kinds of things in that hole.  Most of them were slimy.  Many dissolved in my grasp.  I’m not sure any of them were the sump-pump.

I blindly searched for another thirty minutes. The pooh-rain was up to my knees and still coming.   My eyes stung and my nose burned.  When my skin began to sting, I decided it was time to pull out.   Round two also went to the toilet.

Defeated, I climb the basement stairs and exited the side door into the slowing rain, where I was greeted by a Baltimore City firefighter.  Hope sprang in my chest.  ”With the Baltimore City Fire Department on my side, there is no way I’m going to loose round three!” I thought.

“I’m so happy to see you,” I said.  “Do you have anyway to remove sewage from a basement?  My toilet and I are at war!”

“What?” he replied.  “Um.  No.  We used to do that kind of stuff.  But not anymore.  Do you have some plywood?  Like a big sheet of it?  Maybe this big,” he said holding his arms out wide.

I stood stunned.  The rain eased my stinging skin, but not enough.  “Yes,” I said.  “In my basement.  But it’s covered in pooh-water.”

“Hmm,” he said thinking.   “Do you think I could fish it out?”

“Not without going for a swim.  Why?”

“Well…see… I kind of ran over that manhole over there with the truck,” he said pointing to the street behind him.  “And the cover broke in half and then fell down the hole.   It’s full of water and I can’t find the cover anymore.  I mean, if someone falls in there, they’re going to die.  I need something to cover it up.”

“Sorry man,” I said.  “I got nothin’.”

“Could I steal that tree limb?” he said pointing at a fallen limb in my neighbor’s yard.

“Um?  Sure?” I said.  Exhaustion was catching up to me.  My skin still stung.

The firefighter went and grabbed the limb and stuck it in the hole.  It looked like a tree was growing out of the middle of the street.  Then he put a cone in front of it.   Several other firefighters joined him around the hole to admire his handiwork.  They congratulated each other, hopped back in the truck, and drove away.

My hope for winning round three having left with the firefighters, I returned inside.  The rain had slowed to a drizzle.   I descended the stairs to view the damage.  Old Faithful had ceased his assault on my basement.  He rested quietly in the filth he had spewed.  There was a little over three feet of sewage-rain in the basement.  I went upstairs, took a shower, lathered my legs and arms in antibiotic cream, and went to sleep, defeated.

It’s taken the rest of the week to make the house livable again.  The city came and fixed the manhole on Tuesday morning.

Now CTB Family, you might think this experience would bring a Bishop down.  You might think this a depressing story; a tragic tale of woe.   But good stuff can always be found if you look hard enough.

THREE GREAT THINGS THAT CAME OUT OF THE GREAT TOILET WAR OF 2013

1) Our basement has never been so clean.  There was a ton of stuff covered in pooh we got to throw away.   Sure, some of it had sentimental value; but we weren’t using it.  Now our basement is clutter free.

2) In the end, I won the war.  After the “Restorative” cleaning crew spent 7 hours power washing and scrubbing the basement, it is cleaner than it has ever been.  And, my landlord agreed to remove the toilet.  A plug now rests in its place.  This makes me happy.

3)  Finally, I learned something.

I now know, “ If you can’t see a sump-pump, you can’t replace a sump-pump.”   It would have been nice to have learned this lesson befoe dipping my arms elbow deep into pooh-water; but even so, I feel more prepared to tackle the world after this experience.

It’s like GI Joe use to say, “Knowing is half the battle.”

It appears the other half Joe didn’t mention is wadding in sewage water up to your knees while you do battle with an evil toilet.   But I don’t blame Joe.  ”Knowing is half the battle and the other half is sloshing in shit!” wouldn’t have made  fora good cartoon ending catch phrase.

Sincerely,

The Bishop of CTB

One more week until the Shock Therapy tour comes to Baltimore, with Alice Cooper and Marilyn Manson (AND GWARRRR) melting everyone’s faces within a five mile radius of Merriweather Post Pavilion.
PLENTY OF TICKETS STILL AVAILABLE!

Now to announce our big winner from last Friday’s Facebook post!

The winner is:

Brooke Zegstroo Quillen!

Congrats! Enjoy the show.

Also not to be missed is next Tuesday’s Postal Service show, make an offer for $43 on “4-Star” seats at Merriweather& save $11.
Tickets available here!

ADAM JONES JERSEY NIGHTS

Next month! During the Orioles/Jays series the first 20,000 fans will receive a free Adam Jones jersey! First Crush Davis and now this, you might as well get three. Tickets start at just $9.
TICKETS AVAILABLE HERE.

OTHER GAMES
Orioles vs. Red Sox – June 13th-16th
O’s have an opportunity to gain the lead in the East next weekend vs the maligned Red Sox. Thursday’s game is the cheapest.
Tickets available here.

Ravens vs. Texans – Sept. 22nd
Ravens host Houston in their 2nd home game. 11,000+ tickets available, average price is currently $247. Get in for $114.
Tickets available here.

RICHARD CHEESE GIVEAWAY!

Richard Cheese & Lounge Against The Machine @ 9:30 Club on June 28th. The master of lounge himself performing all manner of loungey cover songs (my personal favorite being “Down With The Sickness” as seen in Dawn of The Dead). Wanna win two free tickets? Just comment below and say “CHEEEEEEEESE!” (or really anything at all.) We’ll pick a winner later this week. Best of luck!

Evan and Dennis are joined by Patch.com politics reporter Bryan Sears (@bpsears) to discuss the political machinery of Maryland in next year’s election. Game of Thrones indeed. Other topics include the Tiki Barge, veiled threats by Harbor Point developers, and the virtues of newfound nonprofit venture Taco In A Bag Dot Org, whose aim is to provide every child in America with a taco in a bag for lunch.

Our two part Education episode continues with Baltimore Sun’s education reporter Erica L. Green (@EricaLG) and former educator-turned-ad-man-and-curmudgeon Matt McDermott (@MMMcDermott) as they discuss AP scores, spending problems, bad hires, Alonso’s departure and oh so much more.

Support the show by checking out our Deals page and the Store. Spread the word to your friends and coworkers!

After the discovery of the first medical waste pile, a good friend explained that catheters are often stolen from hospitals and clinics in order to collect clean pee for drug testing. What!? I didn’t fully buy this explanation until I was walking Shambles on the bridge last Thursday, and there it was, on the opposite side of the bridge from the original pile, another couple of catheters and a pile of gauze discarded at the wooden foot of a road work sign. So friends, if you need clean pee for the next meeting with your parole officer I have an inside line on some unused catheters. In the meantime, just put them wherever crooked clinic employees. We’ll be sure to keep an eye on them while you’re away.

ALL MANNER OF SPORTING EVENT TICKETS! BUY THREE!

(seriously buy some, we could use the scratch)

ORIOLES

Orioles vs. Red Sox – June 13th-16th
O’s have an opportunity to gain the lead in the East next weekend vs the maligned Red Sox. Thursday’s game is the cheapest.
Tickets available here!

Orioles vs. Indians – June 24th
Offer $25 on “4-Star” tickets to Orioles/Indians on June 24th & save $30 off list price with no fees!
Tickets available here!

RAVENS

Ravens vs. Panthers – August 22nd
Average price of Ravens/Panthers preseason matchup is $164 less than the home opener. Get in for just $17!
Tickets available here!

Ravens vs. Packers – October 13th
$373 makes Ravens/Packers this season’s most expensive home game. Get in for $200, field levels $290.
Tickets available here!

Ravens vs. Bengals – November 10th
Average price of $221 makes Ravens/Bengals this season’s 2nd cheapest home game! Tickets start at $105. Field levels $163!
Tickets available here!

FULL SEASON RAVENS TICKETS HERE!

PR STUFF!

The Baltimore Bohemians have signed University of Maryland midfielder Alex Shinsky for the remainder of the 2013 season.

Shinsky played in 19 games for the Terps in 2012 as a Sophomore. Before joining the Maryland squad, he was ranked the #1 recruit by Top Drawer Soccer.

He has also made a name for himself in the US National Team program. Shinsky was a member of the U-17 National Team and scored a goal against Malawi in the 2009 U-17 World Cup in Nigeria. Along with fellow Bohemian Mike Gamble, Shinsky was a member of the U-20 National Team player pool in 2012.

Shinsky is a native of York, PA and played for Super Nova FC under former NASL and MISL star Niki Nikolic.

AND OUR BIG WINNER FOR THIS WEEKEND’S BOHEMIANS MATCHUP!

A long, drawn out process of harvesting comments and converting them to numbers was performed and selected at random. The winner, the oh so special winner of our Baltimore Bohemians giveaway, is:

JAKE BROHAWN

(honorable mention to Craig Tower for this well penned ode)

Boh-oh say can you see / Me-ee at old Ridley / With a Boh in one hand / And chicken strips in the other? And the soccer down there / My pumping fist in the air / While the Bohs put in three / Against Ocean City! Boh say do you dare give that prize to an / Other Baltimore fan? / O’er me and my rhyme / And the whack chants I’ll sing?

Congratulations, you are winnar! Shoot us an email at contests@citythatbreeds.com to confirm. If you do not, we will select a new winner!