Dear Spaceman Andy,

What is the most polite way to tell someone they cannot spend the night over after sex without having to say “Get your clothes on and get the f**k out – but untie me first?”

Thanks,

Ms. Hit-It-And-Quit-It in Baltimore

Dear Hit-It-And-Quit-It,

Some advice-givers would tell you to be up front and honest with those you chose to engage in sex acts with. I am not one of them. I prefer the use of elaborate trickery. Here’s my take on the situation: Your bedroom is probably too enticing. What, do you have a bed in there? Beds are unnecessary for what you want. Does your house have a basement? Throw some rags on the floor.

(Cue Martha Stewart voice) Put in a small television set and a folding chair to give the place a “lived-in” look. You could also spruce the place up with some chains and rope to taste (end Martha Stewart voice). The point here is that rags on the floor are fine for sexing, not so much for sleeping. Once the deed is done and he looks around, chances are your gentleman caller will want to leave as quickly as possible. And hey, you do have a real room, so if your conquest of the evening decides he does want to stay, you can slip away up to the comfort of your own room. You even have the option of locking the door, to ensure that nothing in your house gets stolen. Trust me, after realizing they’ve been locked in the basement for the night, he won’t be able to get out of your house fast enough! So I guess my advice is that you need to keep your bedroom for sleeping and your sex dungeon for sexing.

Or, you know, you could sleep with real men instead of boys that are going to want to cry and cuddle and talk about their feelings. I don’t know, I guess that could work. Maybe? -SpaceManAndy On a related note: Inquiring minds want to know what you’re doing this weekend. Kindly leave your phone number in the comments section.

Which is why, starting today, I’m kicking off the Clicks for Cats (and Dogs, etc.) Campaign. Every click on these dumb ads yields a few pennies, and from today until the end of next month every single virtual penny earned by ad clicks and impressions will go to BARCS, and possibly save a few animal lives.

So scroll around, click on some stuff. Who knows, you might even buy something. Let our 3rd party advertisers pave the way for some neutered dogs!

Get started with this one!

The gravity of this truth is so apparent I shouldn’t even need to make a list of bullet points regarding this fact, but then again I have at least another paragraph to blow through before displaying the photographic evidence. At any rate, Steven Q. Urkel Future Fashion Plate displays the following common characteristics seen in the modern F**king Hipster:

• Oversized Glasses
• Loudly colored apparel
• Tight, tight, tight, above-the-waist pants
• Socks that do not match
• Anything that doesn’t match at all
• Suspenders, bow ties, other laughable accessories
• Old timey shoes

…and so forth. Observe, as we admire a brief collection of those who were unknowingly inspired by Steve.

The Losers: I really liked this flick, it’s an action comedy and they come off very A-Team-esque. Chris Evans is the main funny guy, but everyone else has some good lines, and everybody is does well in general. In my favorite exchange, Stringer Bell and The Comedian are in a banana Pinto chatting: TC: What, you’re embarassed to be seen in an American classic? SB: It’s a classic piece of shit! (This is right after he blows up a bad guy SUV)

Basically, an elite team of special forces guys get betrayed by a CIA guy, they have to fake their own deaths and are demonized back home in the U.S. Zoe Saldana (hot as hell) finds them and offers them a chance for revenge/redemption. There’s lots of double crosses and cool stuff. The only issue I had was with Max the bad guy, a lot of his lines are funny but Jason Patric plays it with no underlying menace. I think Timothy Olyphant would have been an awesome guy to play that role. He did a lot of that “I’m making fun of you b/c I’m smart, but I’m also a nasty bastard,” in Die Harderest 7: the quest to prove Bruce Willis is still relevant. All in all, I might even buy this movie.

The Crazies: Speaking of Timothy Olyphant, this movie was pretty damn good. I’ve never seen the original, but this is along the lines of the Dawn of the Dead remake, but not quite that good. Basically people in this small town slowly start going apeshit, and not in a good way. Seth Bullock is a sheriff (shocking right? I think 75% of his roles are as a grizzled lawman) and he tries to make heads or tails of what’s going on. Basically, the local government and ultimately the Army get in the way as much as they can to try and save their own hides. it also becomes hard to tell who is sick-crazy and who is just losing it due to the situation. There are some good scares, and some really creepy scenes. To try and make a comparison, it’s kind of like Outbreak if instead of making you dead, the disease made you murderously insane, there is no adorable monkey, and the only cure is bullets.

Cop Out: For the most part, you’ve seen all the funny parts in the trailers. Tracy Morgan is doing his (getting tiresome) eccentric/crazy guy schtick, and Bruce Willis is trying to keep up. There are some funny moments, like when Morgan thinks his wife is cheating on him, and Stifler (a petty thief) is mocking him about it in the back of the squad car. Stifler: Knock Knock Morgan: No… no, not gonna do it Bruce Willis: Who’s there? M: DAMMIT S: Orange M: NO GODDAMMIT don’t do it! BW: Orange who? S: Orange you glad your wife is getting DP’ed right now? M: MOTHERF-

It’s kind of hard to do this scene justice, coz they are all kind of talking over each other. But still, it was only mildly amusing, and when your movie clocks in at almost 2 hours, you need to bring more funny than that. I think the script was counting on Tracy Morgan being way more funny, and way less annoying. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. It’s not bad per se, it’s just not very good. This may have been Kevin Smith’s death rattle for directing anything with an actual budget, but you can’t really blame him, he doesn’t exactly get much to work with.

I spent a good long while at The Get Down for their grand opening this past Saturday and for the better part of two hours stared at their myriad of murals, light shows and hand-blown light bulbs (what?), featured in “The Edison Room.” If for no other reason in this world, you absolutely must hit up The Get Down and stare at their two story LED wall for a while. It’s mind boggling (see below for a lil’ taste).

Obviously myself and many of us in the city miss Fletcher’s, one of the few remaining tried and true rock bars left in Baltimore, but you know what Dylan says… the area surrounding The Get Down, with its luxury condos and Whole Foods mentality is better suited to support a club than a rock bar. Time will tell, but expect The Get Down to be around for a long, long time.

At any rate, thanks so much to Baltimore Magazine for the nod, thanks to those of you who continue to read our stuff, and thanks to all the other bloggers out there in Baltimore who continue to shape the future of local media (or something).

The Best of Baltimore issue is on stands now folks, pick it up and see how your favorite things in Baltimore stack up!

(we’re on page 177)

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of hatemail, fire bombs and generalized malaise regarding the “cats only” rule for this feature, so due to my waffling nature I’m opening the feature to all pets, and calling it Other People’s Pets (or OPP if you prefer). So get to it, citizens, and submit your pets to be featured on the sidebar. Because if you don’t, Sheila’s going right back up there.

Dear SpaceManAndy,

My daughters have gerbils. They’re very annoying. They make a lot of noise, especially at night, and they smell really, really bad. How can I get rid of them without making my daughters cry?

Thanks,
Hating gerbils in Bmore

Dear Hating, I think that this problem, like most problems can be solved combining the wisdom of sitcoms, and Pokemon. For years, sitcoms have told us that if your child’s pet dies, you can just buy a new one and hope the kid won’t notice. If it looks different, hilarity ensues. Unfortunately, tears are often involved (sitcoms often try to teach the lesson that it’s wrong to lie to children, but where’s the fun in that?).

This is where Pokemon comes in. Sometimes Pokemon Pokemons Pokemen evolve, which makes them look different. Maybe stinky, annoying, loud gerbils evolve into something fun, like shots of whiskey (they’re super effective against sobriety). How can your kids argue with that? Or just say they went to live on a farm. My mother still believes this to be true of her childhood dog.

I don’t know. I guess that could work, maybe?

-SpaceManAndy

Not only that, but apparently this summer they’re running 50% all vintage, which essentially means you’d be an idiot not to stop by and pick up a few zany shirts or sun dresses.

EDIT: And when you go, ask for Emily, who will help with your sassifying needs.

The Crylander’s power is to make a shitty situation even shittier by further adding sheer annoyance via their whining and caterwauling abilities. But there can be only one; if another person begins crying and complaining in a particular instance, they are immediately met with The Crylander’s only defense: “WHY DON’T YOU THINK ABOUT THE REST OF US?!?!” The interloper is silenced, and The Crylander remains singular.

Alternatively, The Crylander may take on other forms. He/she/it may appear after much time has passed since an event has occurred – dramatic or otherwise – and while the entire population of people affected by such an event has moved on with their lives, The Crylander remains as the sole complainer. Additionally, The Crylander may appear at a party during which everyone is having a wonderful time, with the exception of The Crylander. Telltale signs that The Crylander is in attendance include: not talking to anyone, arms folded, pouting in a corner, or checking a cell phone 99.9% of the time.

There can be only one.

The Crylander is now a part of Urban Dictionary. Give it a thumbs up and share it with your Crylander friends!