For example:

What the shit is with this suit and no socks thing? I've seen it in GQ, Esquire, and all over TV and movies.

Or pretty much anything on American Apparel’s New and Now section:

It's a joke right? I mean, really? American Apparel is just trolling us. They have to be.

You know, cropped tees were awesome in the 90s, but we can make them better. Let's make them velvet! Nothing says modern like velvet!

And I’ll just skip the obvious ones like Uggs, Crocs, Skinny Jeans, and leggings with skirts.

BUT FEAR NOT. There is a trend out there that’s pretty fucking cool. Dressing like a cartoon!

It started when I saw this:

Mind=Blown

Yes, it’s real. it’s from a company called Jump From Paper It looks 2D, but is actually a real purse. While I thought it was cool, I don’t carry a purse. So I didn’t think much of it.

Then I saw this:

And holy crap, I had to have it! It’s so aesthetically… neat. I think neat is the only word for it. I’m not sure how functional it is, since by the time I got my paycheck and went to order it, it was sold out, and will be until March. But I just figured it would add an element of whimsy to pretty much anything I wanted to wear.

I tried to put it out of my mind, and then later this afternoon, I came across these shoes:

If you don't wet yourself a little, you have no whimsy and are dead inside.

CARTOON SHOES! I keep seeing these things and wanting to think they’re tacky, but they’re just not. Somehow these manufacturers have managed to dazzle me and ignite a spark of wonder not often seen outside of Disney World, but somehow, none of it looks too costumey. I could see myself wearing these shoes, if they actually came in sasquatch size (someone find me size 15, and yes it’s true what they say). Anyway, if you have human size feet, you can buy those shoes here, and I’ll just be a little resentful that you have them and I don’t.

“But Spacemanandy,” you say “I want to be a little more subtle, and a little more fashionable about my cartoonwear.”

Fear not, concerned citizen (sometimes I pretend I’m a superhero. What of it?). The latest issue of GQ (Feb 2012) has a piece about “Micro Wave” pattern shirts and ties that might suit your needs!

Now, is it just me, or does this:

Mmmmmmm, micro dots.

make you think of the Roy Lichtenstein style microdot art in a very updated, but classic kind of way?

What do you guys think? Am I alone in thinking how cool this is, or am I giving it more class and credit than it deserves? Comment and let me know.

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City Hall, Baltimore – A happy announcement today as 61 year old 3rd District Councilman Bobby Curran announced that he is expecting a baby boy in August of this year. In anticipation of this event, Curran has announced his child’s candidacy for the 3rd Council district in 2031, which is when Curran anticipates retiring.

“My kid’s gonna have a good legacy to run on.” Curran beamed, citing his family’s established political record in the city. “When you think Curran, you think of all the great stuff that’s happened around these here 3rd district parts. Smoking ban? That was me.”

In anticipation of his unborn child’s run for office, Bobby has announced he will form a political action committee to ensure his child’s imminent success. The PAC, known as the Baltimore Repeating Awesome Traditions Political Action Committee (BRATPAC) is committed to ensuring that the political families of Baltimore are able to continue their legacies of leadership in Baltimore and, “continue getting the free monies,” Curran stated.

“BRATPAC’s gonna have a big impact here in Baltimore. When you think of the great traditions of our political families here – Branch, Welch, Conaway, Curran – you know we’re doing big things. After all, the places where our political families live are the gems of the City.”

William “Pete” Welch – who replaced his mother, Councilwoman Agnes Welch, in 2011 – agreed with Curran’s sentiment, pointing out the work that his own family has done for the 9th district. “The ninth district is like Camelot for ma and me, know what I’m saying? When I look at how great this district’s become since momma got into power, I know Prince Pistol Pete’s done right by our peasan- I mean, folks here.” Welch then peered at a staff member who snorted for seemingly no apparent reason.

To prepare for future baby Curran’s eventual ascent to the Baltimore City Council, the editorial board of the Baltimore Sun has issued an unprecedented but lukewarm endorsement of the as yet unnamed child, noting:

Although it is true that young Curran has not done anything as of yet – and indeed, has not yet even been born – we are confident that the established leadership of Curran, combined with voter apathy, will ensure this family legacy’s continuation.

Related posts:

1. City Leadership passes lifetime appointment bill for all local political offices
2. Your new city council districts: Or, Baltimore loves segregation
3. How to run for a city council seat in *any* district in Baltimore!
4. City Council Update 12/10/2009
5. City Council Update 04/25/2008

Word has it that the once embattled and now seemingly acceptable Tiki Barge (500 Harborview Dr., Inner Harbor) is applying to expand its operations, in order to include a lil’ ol’ thing they like to call the “Raw Barge.” Billed as a seafood restaurant, this Raw Barge has one of the most comedy-ripe names I’ve heard in quite a while, harkening back to the days of Green Cilantro and NADDs (or possibly Shirley’s Honey Hole).

The Raw Barge – a leather daddy barge? TUESDAY NIGHTS! BEAR NIGHT! GET RAW AT THE RAW BARGE! RAW DAWGS ONLY!!

Possibly a vegan-friendly barge that serves only raw foods? As we all have learned thanks to the infinite wisdom of raw foods enthusiasts, steaming a carrot DESTROYS ANY AND EVERY NUTRIENT WITHIN, and what better way to enjoy a platter of raw turnip, than on a barge?

Or possibly a barge for watching WWE’s Monday Night Raw – I know I’d be there each and every Monday!

Regardless of the name, after its initial summer of too-much-success-for-Harborview-residents and a brief flirtation with having its liquor license suspended (for the entirety of Harborview), which was fairly quickly reversed, Tiki Barge seems to have settled in this past season with little noise or discomfort (at least, until their liquor license goes back for renewal!). With any luck this seafood addition will enhance the experience and further move its initial image from “Jersey Shore reject hang out” to “Nice place to sit, eat some oysters and then get horrible cramps by swimming too soon afterward*.”

Best of luck to you, Raw Barge!

*yes I am aware that this is just something your parents tell you and isn’t based in actual medical fact, cram it

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Efforts to raise awareness of homelessness and implement urban farming tax breaks would cause a severe lack of poor people to express contempt towards, a spokesperson for Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake said.

During a weekly press conference, spokesperson Ryan O’Dougherty defended the Mayor’s decision to send National Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Week participants away from War Memorial Plaza this past November, citing the homeless population as a mental health issue.

“Homeless people are society’s Zoloft,” O’Dougherty said. “When citizens see them on TV, ignore them on the streets or tell them to get a job they feel better about themselves. If there were no homeless, citizens would find things wrong with the city. Who would want that?”

O’Dougherty also questioned advocates of a 100% tax break to urban farmers which could help solve the food desert crisis currently facing the city.

“Regarding the farming tax break, the last thing this City needs is more assistance to those well to off farmers. Did you know that they don’t even pay for the food that they’ve grown? That’s basically stealing.”

When asked about the Mayor’s empathy, O’Dougherty cited her recent donations to charity to prove she cares.

“In a time of the greatest budget crisis’s's ever, Mayor Rawlings-Blake took a bold stance by voting to give herself a raise, then giving that same raise to the needy. That’s a good precedent. Not like those urban farms, which set a bad precedent.”

O’Dougherty closed the interview, citing the urgency of having those with needs in the city.

“On her daily jaunt to City Hall, the Mayor peers upon the citizens, insuring she does not engage anyone. If there isn’t a poor or homeless person she sees, she knows something’s wrong.”

In a typed statement released to the press, City Council President Bernard “Jack” Young abstained on the matter, citing a need to “put on some pants” before saying anything.

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So I (and more than likely you too) hear a few days ago that Paula Deen, The Food Network star whose claim to fame is pretty much every dish having a very strong possibility of giving you a heart attack, was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. This should come as no shock to anyone, judging by the food made on her show and served in her restaurant. I’ve never watched her show except without sound at the gym every so often, how ironic?! I don’t believe she touts moderation, as probably a spoonful of one of her dishes would be your daily allotted amount of butter. This in and of itself doesn’t bother me, hey if she wants to cook food that will kill people, it’s their fault for making/eating it. I’m sure it’s delicious, as she is super famous.

However, as we’ve all come to learn Ms. Deen was diagnosed 3 years ago, and only announced that she has Diabetes now because she “had to get her head around it.” Well it just so happens she also has a promo deal with a drug company to shill their Diabetes drug Victoza, through a website: www.diabetesinanewlight.com.

WHAT A FUCKING COINCIDENCE.

Now i’m fine if a famous chef wants to help people with diabetes still eat tasty meals and not send themselves in a coma. What i am not fine with, is a chef who is famous for making rich, fatty, sugar filled foods that SHE HASN’T BEEN ABLE TO EAT FOR 3 YEARS, and then using her own stardom and diabetes to pimp their new drug. Anthony Bourdain recently took to Twitter to renew his hatred for Lady (of Lady & Sons) with a poignant “I should take up breaking legs, so i can then sell crutches.” She responded “get a life” (SICK BURN). He also said “her food sucks” ().

I’m with – and you probably are too – Bourdain on this one. This is like if Sara McLaughlin suddenly started promoting depression medication in commercials that aired directly after her goddamn ASPCA commercials. This is the WORST example of synergy i’ve ever heard in my life. People emulate this dumb bitch, she has to know that. It’s so completely irresponsible of her to get famous by cooking food that likely gave her diabetes, continuing to get rich by cooking this shit, not telling anyone, and then get even more rich by dropping a “bombshell” that she has diabetes and “oh by the way, buy these chemicals that will help your diabetes.” I looked at an example recipe (looks like you have to sign up to get into the site) and there is not one goddamn pat of butter in it.

You may be saying, “she just got famous cooking that shit, nobody wants to see Paula Deen cooking healthy!” Well then maybe nobody SHOULD watch Paula Deen, ever. She can’t eat her goddamn food anymore because it gave her a disease, why should she continue to be on TV showing people how to make it? I think a lot of people watch her because it’s hilarious how unhealthy her dishes are. I bet MORE people are such dumb fatties that they think “this lady is in a league with Rachel Ray and *insert food network star*, this stuff can’t be that bad for you!” Why do we want to make someone who is encouraging people in an increasingly obese and unhealthy country to eat stuff that will most definitely kill you, famous?

Not to mention, her fucking drug will probably give you thyroid cancer.

From the Victoza site:

In animal studies, Victoza® caused thyroid tumors—including thyroid cancer—in some rats and mice. It is not known whether Victoza® causes thyroid tumors or a type of thyroid cancer called medullary thyroid cancer (MTC) in people which may be fatal if not detected and treated early. Do not use Victoza® if you or any of your family members have a history of MTC or if you have Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia syndrome type 2 (MEN 2). While taking Victoza®, tell your doctor if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, hoarseness, trouble swallowing, or shortness of breath. These may be symptoms of thyroid cancer.

Thanks Paula Deen! Have a great day killing America!

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A few dozen hours ago or so (this past Saturday) some friends and associates of mine collectively decided that we wanted to eat at a cheap Mexican restaurant that wasn’t like “Chevy’s Fancy” and certainly not “Blue Agave Overpriced” but rather “Cheap and Cheap,” and Brooklyn PARK (sorry Neal)’s El Salto (5513 Ritchie Highway) location was the answer. And so the journey began down Governor Ritchie Highway, where our dreams of $6 enchilada platters awaited us.

And so we ordered our $6 enchilada platters, some Texas Margaritas ($7 with a shot of *awful* tequila, mmmmmm) and the signature nachos of El Salto, Nachos El Salto ($7.95).

These nachos, while tasty, are utterly bizarre in every way. I don’t know how else to say it. It’s a puddle of queso sauce, a thin layer of chips, and a big ol’ pile of fajita meats with onions and peppers on top. Throw away literally everything you’ve ever thought about how a proper plate of nachos should be assembled and you’ve got Nachos El Salto. They’re good, they’re bad, they’re weird.

The good: Everything tasted pretty good. Good seasoning, hot toppings and cheesy queso. Can’t complain about that!

The bad: The chips here are totally unusable, they’ve basically become engorged with queso sauce and fajita drippings to the point that a single touch-grab-lift by human fingers would result in disaster. In fact, for a period of time we ate the toppings with forks, which is essentially a capital crime in the world of nacho consumption.

The MacGyver: Since El Salto is a cheap Mexican restaurant, they adhere to Cheap Mexican Restaurant Guidelines and Standards and present the table with a big bowl of chips n’ salsa, meaning the chips left over from the chips n’ salsa are *highly* usable for scooping up the fajita toppings on the plate of Nachos El Salto. This actually made them great, however still an egregious violation of Nacho Presentation and Consumption Guidelines and Standards. Shameful shit, but you do what you gotta do.

At the end of the day, these nachos are tasty, but they aren’t really nachos. They’re cheap and perfect for sharing, but they aren’t really nachos. Therefore, they receive no golden nachos out of five, and instead one golden donkey for effort. Kudos (?) to you, “Nachos” El Salto.

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-Coming Out in (Gay)thersberg

Dear Coming Out in (Gay)thersburg,

It takes balls to come out. Good on you. Reading this letter, I thought back on my experiences. I started to type “Well, there’s no manual for this kind of thing…” and I thought Wait, why not? So, here it is. (please read it in that Disney Goofy narration style)

So, you took the plunge. You have started telling people you’re gay. Congrats, that took some serious cajones (not surprising, since gay men statistically have larger penises than straight men [Citation Needed]). Anyway, the point is that people might start treating you differently. The fact of the matter is that you can’t control everyone, but there are some things you can do to help the situation. Here’s some of what I’ve learned, be warned, not all of this will apply to you.

Your Parents

The number one thing to remember with your parents is patience. Chances are you’ve been thinking about this a lot for a long time. They’re just finding out about this. They probably don’t know how to react. They may say some ignorant things without realizing exactly what they’re saying. My mother once said to me “If you had cancer, I’d need time to deal with that too.” I had to explain to her that there is a big difference between being happy and having a life-threatening illness. She didn’t mean to compare being gay to dying, so I cut her some slack. Not a lot, but some. Now that I’m engaged, she has a lot to deal with, so I made it clear to her that I know she needs time, so I’m giving her time. But if she can’t get happy for me, it will seriously effect our relationship. I didn’t say it angrily, just as a fact. I know not all parents are the same. Some will be totally OK with it and some will never be ok with it. But mostly, parents want you to be happy. The problem is that most parents have a specific happiness in mind which usually involves an expensive white dress and small bundles of joy.

Basically, just give them time, but make sure they know you’re giving them time, and not just avoiding the situation. It’s not going to go away.

Your Bros

Your straight male friends might have trouble figuring out how to act around you. It seems that there is a common belief among straight males that all gay men want to sleep with anyone with a penis. This is simply not true. Now, I will admit to being curious as to what everyone looks like naked, but that doesn’t mean I want to have sex with all males. I mean, if someone was like I have a picture of Rick Santorum naked, want to see? I’d say “Hell yeah!” but would I sleep with him? Wait, bad example. I totally would so I could tell the news media. But someone else, um, Daniel Radcliffe. There we go.

Anyway, back to what I was saying, straight men have a tenancy to believe their gay friends have secret crushes on them. This makes things awkward sometimes. Some straight guys will think it’s funny to flirt with you. Some will even think flirting with you is doing you some kind of favor, like it’s made your night. As soon as this starts, put a stop to it. “Dude, gross. I would’t put my dick anywhere near you. I know where you’ve been.” usually does the trick.

Other guys will go the opposite direction and not know how to talk to you at all, because they are afraid of leading you on. The irony here (like how my mother makes me feel uncomfortable by telling me how other people are going to discriminate) is that these guys will make things awkward by trying so fucking hard to not make things awkward. In this case, like in all cases, it’s best to just be yourself. Show them that they don’t have to treat you any differently because you’re not acting any differently.

OMG. Our knees are touching. If I move it he will think I'm uncomfortable with it, but if I leave it, he's going to think I want him to buttfuck me. FUCK!

The worst thing, in my experience, straight guy friends do when they find out you’re gay is the dreaded “Do you think I’m attractive?” DO NOT answer this question unless you are prepared to accept the fallout. If you say yes, they’ll think you want to bang them (Which is only ok if you’re trying to make them feel uncomfortable, which can be a usefull tool). And if you say no, they’ll get all butthurt. Usually best to avoid this question all together.

Your Chick Friends

This actually turned out to be more of a problem for me than my guy friends. A lot of women feel the need to have the kind of gay friend they see on TV. This is a problem, because they expect you to fit a stereotype. Just like you mentioned how they all want you to go shopping, etc. The problem is that these women want a gay friend in the same way they want a stylish bag. You become an accessory to them. If you EVER hear a girl say “But you’re gay, you’re supposed to…” You need to have a serious talk with that girl.

But you're gay! You can't stay home and play video games, you have to come to the vintage boutique

Look, if you come out and realize that you’ve been hiding your love for chick flicks and shoe shopping and appletinis, good on you. But a lot of guys don’t. You’re tastes don’t just suddenly change because you’re out. Be true to yourself. If a girl asks you to go shoe shopping and you want to, no one will judge you. If a girl asks you to go shoe shopping and you hate shoe shopping but have watched too much Will and Grace and say “You know it, gurrl!” Then, yeah, I’ll judge you.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that in coming out, you have the opportunity to be yourself. Please please please take it. Be yourself fully. Don’t be who TV says you should be. Don’t be who your friends and family treat you. Be yourself and the people important to you will take the hint and treat you the same way they always have. There is going to be an adjustment period, just be patient. In the end it will all be worth it. So, welcome to gaydom!

I don’t know, I guess that could work. Maybe?
SpaceManAndy

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photo via Midnight Sun

In case you missed it in this week’s issue of ‘b’ (p. 41) or in today’s Midnight Sun post, check out the review for the semi-new Fells Point establishment Dogwatch Tavern, as written by …uh, me.

It’s a decent bar worthy of your attention, but that’s not the point of this post! Point of this post is, due to editorial concerns fat gets trimmed from reviews like this, including little anecdotes and additional information that doesn’t make the cut – but that’s what crappy local blogs are for, you can be as bloviated (not an actual word) as you want! Here’s some stuff that didn’t make it to print, in bullet list form for maximum efficiency:

• Shuffle Bowl. Some people have no idea what it is. Dogwatch has it, and it’s awesome. It’s basically a combination of shuffle board and bowling, and it was ubiquitously featured in every bar in the area in the late 70′s, early 80′s. Evening Magazine even did a feature on it at a bar in Pigtown known as Sid’s (in retrospect, a horrible name for a bar if the lettering were in all caps) in 1978.
• More food quips: we also tried the white chicken chili, it was a tad bland but looked pretty awesome, covered in fresh jalapeno slices and sour cream. Ended up dumping it on the loaded fries with positive results. A group next to us ordered the chicken tenders – a platter with six total for like $7 – and one of the guys described them as “amazing.” Not something you hear too often when describing something like a chicken tender.
• Granted, the football season is essentially over but their Sunday Football special is/was pretty great – $5 wings, $8 pitchers of Natty Boh and something else I can’t quite remember – either way for watching football Dogwatch’s leather couch lounge area is pretty tops.
• Apparently they also have a lot of space available for private parties upstairs as well and encourage folks to book their events with them, as far as I know it’s free to book the upstairs and terms for alcohol service are negotiable (cash bar vs. AUCD). I didn’t get a chance to check out the upstairs but it’s worth investigating!

At any rate, that’s the cutting room floor for that review, hope you enjoyed the finished product.

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Ray Rice, as viewed under an electron microscope

As we await this Sunday’s Conference Championship game in which the Baltimore Ravens face off against the New England Patriots aired on CBS, let’s take a look back at some of the commentary between announcers Greg Gumbel and Dan Dierdorf this past Sunday during the Ravens/Texans game that didn’t make the broadcast. Greg n Dan rap about Ray Rice and the secrets of his talent, as described by many other CBS announcers.

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Dan: So we of course have Suggs, Lewis, Flacco, Boldin, all superstars in their own right. And that Ray Rice, boy he sure is small. Ha, look at him, all tiny like that! He sure does try hard.

Greg: He sure does Dan, he’s so adorable I literally want to hold him in my arms and put a little acorn hat on him instead of a football helmet, that’s how adorable he is. Oh and he also plays football for the Ravens.

Dan: Actually about that, you know part of the reason Rice is so successful with running that ball is due to his small stature. At a mere three feet tall, he assume a rabbit-like speed in part because of a low center of gravity. That’s science Greg.

Greg: It’s sure is Dan and actually my understanding about that is that at his height, 27 inches, he actually begins to assume small scale laws of physics in which gravity applies less to him than the other players. This in fact allows him to run across water like some sort of water strider and climb up walls.

Dan: A valid point in and of itself. And did you know that with his frame Ray Rice actually can lift several times his own weight? His Ant Strength has been called into question by NFL officials as a possible violation, but since the NFL allowed Air Bud to play Wide Retriever back in 1998, the argument may be invalidated by precedent.

Greg: Well we’ll just have to let the officials decide on that, in the meantime let’s talk about how Ray Rice is actually composed of billions of molecular nanobots, allowing his internal systems to actually change shape and flatten themselves, which is also why he’s so strong – and because he can adjust his shape, he’s more equipped to slip through cracks in the defensive line of [the Texans], and also slide under door cracks.

Dan: I hadn’t heard that about Rice, just that he’s really really small and that’s why he’s so successful. Or maybe none of this is true and he’s just incredibly good at football?

Greg: Shut up, Dan.

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]

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Von Boomerang watches us all

@npvajda tipped me off to this magically awesome video for Pizza Boomerang, a creation put together by Barcelona-based Sofa Experience Communications who apparently do a bunch of commercials for Burger King in Spain. Beside the point. On the point, this video RULES. It has literally everything you could possibly want in a video about pizza boomerangs:

• A pizza boomerang
• Tears of blood
• Suicidal men in Christmas sweaters
• Castration
• Grilled Octopus!

I’m just going to shut up now, you should watch this video. Right Now.

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